Original subtitles

? It seems today that all you see ?

? Is violence in movies and sex on TV ?

? But where are those good old-fashioned values ?

? On which we used to rely? ?

? Lucky there's a family guy ?

? Lucky there's a man who positively can do ?

? All the things that make us ?

? Laugh and cry ?

? He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ?

Ha! What is this? It's incredible.

It's-it's, like, I mean, one must presume

the car was on the way to eat at home, but, you know,

because restaurants have a reputation

of convenience and deliciousness,

the driver was forced to veer away,

putting other drivers at risk.

But that just underscores

how much better restaurants are than home.

That's what makes it funny.

That's why we're all laughing.

Have you never seen a meme?

A meme? What the devil is that?

People take an image and put some stupid little text on it

and think they're funny.

Memes are basically Mad Libs for personality.

Ah, take it easy. They're free.

No, they take zero thought or effort.

Like movies for Kevin Costner.

Okay, so your character's in a cowboy hat,

looking way off in the distance.

What if it's just kind of off in the distance?

Uh, sure. And you're having a really hard time.

What if it's just kind of a hard time?

That should work.

Oh, and the leading lady is young,

but I'm guessing you prefer kind of young?

Nah, I won't push back on that one.

? ?

Uh, never gonna have a better opportunity.

Excuse me, sir?

Okay, you're out on the water.

Settle a bet between me and Cleveland.

Is the Little Mermaid Black?

I don't know about that, but I'm a Navy SEAL.

So, I'm legally required to inform you

that I killed bin Laden.

If that's true, what's his first name?

Osama.

This guy's the real deal.

Do you think whales ate him by now?

Actually, based on where we dumped him,

and the way the ocean historically moves,

he could be near Quahog.

Wait a minute.

Guys, if we got a boat and found bin Laden,

we could charge people five bucks to kick him in the balls.

Or the butt!

Yeah, sure, balls or butt. Who's in?

-In! -In! -In!

-Thank you for your service. -Oh, I'm not a sailor.

I'm just a Brazilian guy in my everyday clothes.

Oh, then, thank you for your outside dancing.

It's nothing! I'll see you outside.

? Samba, samba, samba! ?

Hey, Bri, are vegans known for, like,

always talking about being vegans?

Uh, yeah, I guess.

[laughs] Click on that.

This makes zero sense.

No, because vegans are always, like,

telling you they're vegan, right?

-Okay. -And see, it says "Nobody,"

because, like, nobody asked, right?

But this guy, our protagonist, he doesn't care.

Oh, no. He doesn't care about the nobody.

He's just gonna jump on in there and give you his two bits.

But, like, nobody asked, right?

That's why it says "Nobody" up top.

Isn't that hilarious?

Yeah, I'm trying to work.

Yeah, I-I should get back to work, too.

Forwarding memes isn't work.

Well, the Internet begs to differ.

I'm getting a lot of likes on my posts.

They're not "your" posts. You're not doing anything original.

Says the guy writing a script called Barbie 3.

Yeah, because somebody's probably

already doing Barbie 2.

Yeah, I think we're doing the same level of original.

[laughing] Look at this one!

It's-it's based on the game "rock, paper, scissors."

That's why it's funny. But this baby...

Like, I'm already laughing. Can you even?

-[sighs] So this was your idea? -No.

-But you found the pictures? -No.

Well, you must have come up with the text?

No. But I knew the perfect time to hit "send."

-That's what it's all about. -You didn't do anything.

No, no, Brian, it's like this.

The meme is the plane, and I'm the pilot, right?

So sometimes the plane goes on autopilot,

but I'm still at the controls, drinking Diet Cokes.

So, you're the autopilot of comedy?

I get you from Not Laughing, Rhode Island

to Laughing, Rhode Island.

It takes one hour to drive diagonally

across the entire state.

Aw, I should have said Texas.

You know, Lois said it's stupid to look for bin Laden's corpse

'cause a drunk guy at a bar said to, but look at us!

I'm getting kind of hungry.

What did you bring for eats, Peter?

Wheat Thins and Costco muffins.

That's all guys need.

-Peter, that is a home run! -Out of the park!

I was smiling as soon as you said it.

Lois looked sad when she saw the food.

Oh, it's good food. You did really good.

Wives just want us to do what they want.

Say less, king.

You know, it's so easy and fun with you guys out here.

Sometimes I wish the world was just guys.

[thunderclap]

Oh, my God! We've been struck by lightning!

I think I possibly took the brunt of it.

[all yelling]

[all yelling]

[gasping for air]

Oh, my God, the boat!

Yeah, we might be out here for a while,

so someone needs to carry the conversation.

Did you guys know that "Triscuit" is short

for "electric biscuit"?

Also, there are no raccoons in Alaska.

Let's just all drown quietly to ourselves.

? ?

I'll start.

Joe was a true friend.

I'm gonna miss him so much.

And we should probably start sorting out

who's going after Bonnie-

Nice try, weisenheimers.

Joe! How'd you make it in?

My chair floats. How about you guys?

We clung to old graduation balloons

and one turtle who was caught in the ribbon.

A little help with the ribbon?

We're not supposed to touch you

because then your mom won't take you back.

My mom died before America was formed.

Oh, yeah, you guys live a long time, huh?

Yeah, I was in the Turtle Brigade in the Civil War.

-Which side- -Don't ask which side.

Does anybody's phone work?

-No. -Nope. -Negative.

We need to find shelter for the night.

Oh, my God! A house!

Whoa.

It looks like a villain's lair.

Yeah, it's, like, RoboCop's beach house

from the '80s future.

Word of caution.

If you run around in socks in this place,

you are definitely slipping, my friends.

I'm zonked. I'm gonna crash.

Yeah, me, too. I call the master bedroom!

It's called a "primary bedroom" now.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'll be in the bedroom primary-bating.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

Coming up: one side

of a local news station falling into a sinkhole?

But first: wreckage from a Quahog boat

was just spotted a few miles off the coast

of famous gay party spot, Fire Island.

[gasps] I wonder if that's Peter's boat!

Damn. Right to voicemail.

Hey, this is Pete, single and ready to mingle.

-[beep] -[Lois sighs]

There we go. That ought to break someone's ankle this summer.

Dogs and holes- name a more iconic duo.

-I'll wait. -What?

No, I'm just saying, this is a mood.

How-how is this a mood? Elaborate.

No, I'm just saying, I was today years old

when I learned dogs are vindictive.

Why are you talking like that?

I'm in my meme phase, Bri.

When I can't see 'em, I talk like 'em.

My man talks like a Internet now.

Well, stop it. It's stupid.

Cranky writer upset at friend's fun.

Didn't have that on my 2026 bingo card.

[laughing] Bingo card?

So good.

What-what... what bingo card? Show me the card!

Well, it's more about what's not on the bingo card, so...

Yeah, it's what's not on there, Brian.

Also, don't bingo cards just have numbers

and not entire phrases?

Yeah, you kind of... you kind of have to be funny to get it.

All right, I'm going in. You're making no sense.

I think what you mean to say is, "The math ain't mathin'."

Period. Full stop.

Yeah, you don't... you don't have to say "full stop."

That's... that's what a period is.

Yo. We talkin' about periods?

Let me let you in on a little toothbrushing secret.

Crest.

How is Crest a secret?

Shh.

This was all there was in the closet.

Yeah, same here. Do we look chic?

What's "chic"?

OMG. Look at all us chic-ass boys.

I'll check on our phones.

Still nothing. I can't believe this.

-[upbeat dance music playing] -Wait. Do you hear that?

? ?

-[lively chatter] -[dance music continues playing]

These must be the island natives.

They clearly have a proud culture

of music, dance and flavored vodka.

Wow. Everybody's just doing what they like.

Those hefty bearded guys are watching the Mets game.

And those shiny, little, jacked guys

are playing underwear volleyball.

Yeah, and everybody else is drinking, dancing

and horsing off in the pool.

Is it possible this is Kokomo?

It's checking too many boxes.

[gasps] Wait. Don't you see?

On the boat, I wished for a world that was just guys,

and then we got struck by lightning.

I manifested this place into existence!

Come on, we got to fit in with the locals.

? ?

Hi. I'm Peter. Our boat crashed here,

and we slept in a future house

with black toilets and white couches.

Julian. We all get to the island in our own way,

but you're here, and you belong.

Are there any women on the island?

Just one. Her name is Molly,

and she sits in your mouth.

Say, "Hello, Molly."

Hello, Molly.

My God, it feels like Christmas morning!

On Fire Island, every day is Christmas.

? ?

[to "Deck the Halls"] ? Spike the drinks ?

? With pills of Molly ?

? Fa-la-la-la-la, la-Bowen Yang ?

? Midler, Bette, and Parton, Dolly ?

? Fa-la-la-la-la, la-Bowen Yang ?

? Don we now our gay apparel ?

? Fa-la-la, la-la-la, Bowen Yang ?

? Might just roofie Colin Farrell ?

? Fa-la-la-la-la, la-Bowen Yang ?

? With the ladies we don't bother ?

? Fa-la-la-la-la, Bowen Yang ?

? Give us Dua Lipa's father ?

? Fa-la-la-la-la, la-Bowen Yang ?

? Bravo is our only cable ?

? Fa-la-la-la-la-la, Bowen Yang ?

? Eight mimosas for the table ?

? Fa-la-la-la-la, la-Bowen Yang. ?

And Pete Buttigieg.

Hey, Stewie, what- what is all this?

My memes have been getting so much attention

-that I got a book deal. -What?

You just forward other people's pictures and words.

Yes, the biggest reward

for winning new media is getting to do old media.

"Drake meme here,

"Boston Cop Slide meme here,

Willy Wonka here, Kermit sipping tea here."

This is ridiculous. You're not an author!

Well, that's not what HarperCollins thinks.

[phone dings]

Either Harper or Collins just sent a clip from my audiobook.

We used Morgan. Don't you just love Morgan?

[Morgan Freeman] "Chapter Two.

"We see Will Ferrell with a mustache.

"The caption reads: 'Me shopping with my wife.'

It looks to me like he'd rather be anywhere else"

[lively chatter]

What a day. Riding bikes in town,

being so loud at restaurants that people leave,

sending food back before we even saw it.

Thanks for taking us in.

Of course. We're a community here.

Everyone pulls weight and helps in their own way.

A lot of us don't feel supported in our regular lives.

That's exactly how I feel.

-[phone ringing] -[gasps] My phone works!

Peter! You're alive!

Not only alive, I'm thriving on a magic island

I wished for that's just guys who are nice!

I want you to meet Timothy, Michael and Robert.

Uh, hi, Tim, Mike and Rob.

No! For some reason, we only use full names here.

It's, like, the only thing we get mad about.

You're on Fire Island, Peter.

It's just a place for Wall Street guys

and regional weathermen to be gay.

Lois, you're embarrassing me.

None of these guys' wives are calling 'em.

Peter, enough. You need to come home.

No! It's too fun here.

When dessert comes out, we say we'll only have a bite,

but we have more than a bite.

Then we call Chef Mario a devil.

You know what happens when you tell our secrets, Peter!

Don't do it. Don't do it, Timothy!

I'm gonna tickle you!

[Peter laughing]

[both laughing]

I'm starting to think Chef Mario's not the devil.

You are, Timothy! [laughs]

Peter's having a great time.

He's definitely not being tickled too much. [laughs]

I'm alive, I'm fine, and I'm staying.

-Got to go, Lois. I'm thriving. Bye! -[beep]

Um, Dad's safe! He's on Fire Island!

We haven't paid for anything yet.

Can we chip in for brunch?

Robert is tallying the weekend costs,

so you can settle up all at once.

Oh. Okay.

-$5,000 each should do it. -[Pete and friends gasping]

I'm-I'm sorry. $5,000?!

I didn't even have a bed!

Yeah, slobs sleep on couches.

[gasps] Aah!

You guys owe $5,000, too?

No. I'm hot, so I don't have to pay.

I thought this was a community

where everyone takes care of each other.

Yeah, uggos pay for hotties.

Why should hot people pay? That's gross.

Do you not have $5,000?

-No. -Why?

Because I have a wife.

[all] Ew!

Perhaps there's another way we can pay.

Well, my house does need a new roof.

Perhaps something... else?

Okay, I cut our debt in half,

but we got to get the hell off this island!

? ?

I hope you have an escape plan, Peter.

Don't worry. We just got to think outside the box.

That's how those guys came up with the log flume ride.

All right, Madsen, I need a new idea for a ride,

or you're fired.

Got it. Have you ever taken a bath

and wished you were going slowly uphill?

I think everyone has.

And you know how people love to get soaking wet,

and then not be able to go home for five hours?

-Yeah. -And don't you think

the second word in a ride should be a word

you've never heard before in any other context?

Maybe. What's the word?

Flume.

Madsen, we're gonna be rich!

Thank you all for coming.

Sorry you had to watch me whisper-fight my publicist

for getting the wrong tea.

[whispering loudly] Too late, Tiffany!

All right, chapter one.

So, women take a long time to get ready,

but this guy takes it way further.

This skeleton, who starts, presumably,

as a regular human guy, thinks his wife is almost ready.

Cut to him being a skeleton and all of us laughing.

I love how he called the guy a "human guy."

Very quirky. Very funny.

[clapping]

This isn't clever, and it's not comedy.

Brian, this is comedy now.

No, it's a shortcut for people

who aren't actually funny to seem funny.

Well, I like to think I'm capturing a relatable feeling

and sharing it with-

You forward reheated, sound-bite leftovers

to idiots doing the same thing!

You're all idiots!

Congrats on your stolen comedy valor!

Uh, sir, this is a Wendy's.

[laughter]

That's from online!

[low growling]

And... this guy's done adulting.

[laughter]

So good. So good.

Okay, so the plan is, when they use the blender, we move.

Put on these rollerblades.

Next blender, we're through the gate.

Those freeloaders are getting away!

? ?

Beach Gays, activate!

[Peter grunts]

[Quagmire grunts]

[Cleveland grunting]

My blades!

[men grunting]

Eh.

Ow.

[boat horn blowing]

Let's try to catch that ferry!

Weren't you trying to get away from us?

[laughs] Julian! I meant the boat.

Sorry. I'm twisted.

YMCA occupation gays, activate!

[grunting]

[Peter groaning]

Aah. Peter, the deer!

I already got bit by ticks.

[boat horn blowing]

That's the last ferry of the day!

It's too far!

Wait. Peter, do you still have that cocaine locket

that Julian gave you?

Yeah, but I wanted to save it for a special night

-with my family. -Peter!

[inhales]

[all yelling]

Oh, my God. We made it!

-[boat horn blowing] -Bye! Have a fun trip!

Aren't you mad at us?

We're guys. We get over stuff fast.

[sing-songy] Come back next summer for our PJ Party!

We'll bring our families!

[sing-songy] No, don't! Don't bring them!

[Brian] Morning, Stewie.

[grunting] What is this? What are you doing?

Well, I can't get you to stop doing memes,

so this exorcism will rid you of them.

-[groaning] -I won't recycle images from The Office

and add my own text to it.

-[whimpering] -I won't recycle-

Oh, Bri, you sweet summer child. This isn't going to work.

We have... other ways.

Chris? But I thought you were on my side.

Well, I'm Gen Z and loyal to no one.

Bet you didn't have that on your bingo card.

What? [groans] What is that?

You're getting a loboto-meme.

When I flip the switch, all memes will rush

into your brain and explode out of you.

-No! Please! -[electrical hissing]

[groaning]

-It's working! -[groaning]

[in deep, distorted voice] First World Problems.

Cringe.

Weird Flex But Okay.

[yelling]

Stewie, can you talk as yourself?

Am I... am I doing it?

Oh, thank God, you're back.

I wonder where all those memes went?

-[whooshing] -[explosion]

[bland uncle] And this is why we can't have nice things.

[bland aunt laughs]

[bland aunt] Where do you come up with this stuff?

Home again, home again, giggity-gig.

Peter, I'm so happy you're home!

Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry.

I guess I learned that both men and women are pretty bitchy

when money is involved.

That-That's what you learned?

And that I'd rather get yelled at by a woman

than get yelled at by a guy.

Oh, a thousand percent. It's safer.

I love you, Lois.

Oh, Peter, I love you, too.

I'm glad you're home.

I thought you'd be more mad at me.

Oh, I could be mad and have a dozen unopened jars,

or forgive you, have you open the jars,

and start my soup.

Start with the big Rao's one.

I will, Lois, even though that one always hurts my hand.

I'm just so happy to be back in a world with women.

Good, because I had the craziest dream last night,

and I'm gonna tell you all about it.

Okay, so follow me here. It's complicated.

Here's $5,000. I want back in.

Sorry, Stewie. I just need to make sure

all that meme nonsense is done.

[phone dings]

See, he's smirking because he's so proud of himself

for ordering a pizza. Funny, right?

No. Not-not funny or clever.

Ah, good to have you back, buddy.

Said no one.

[beep, whoosh]

It's funny 'cause it's just, like, ordering a pizza.

That expression is certainly too big

for just ordering food to a place you usually wouldn't.

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