Original subtitles

Thank you.

Oh shit, I can't get it in. Oh here, let me help you.

No, I want to do it myself.

Are you using both hands?

Of course.

You ever hear of anybody trying to put it in with only one?

I'm only trying to be helpful.

I got it. I got it. It's in.

I'm turning it on.

It might help if we put a little light on this.

Don't stop now.

Sorry, PG.

This is Frank. I'll have it straightened out in a second.

Damn it, Junior. Straighten up.

Denton, what the hell are you doing in there? Where's Charlie? You let Charlie

go last week. It was part of your personnel contact.

Damn, lawyers always know everything.

That's what you're paying for, Percival. Now calm down.

Someone's got to know how to run a projector around this studio.

Devin's got the thing upside down and ass backwards.

Now, now, Percival, just relax.

You know what Dr.

Stanton said.

You can't get excited.

Here, take one of these pills and calm yourself.

ready in a second, P .G.

Oh.

Honey, for Christ's sakes, will you turn on the light?

You must be crazy that Percy catches us with the lights on and our

pants down.

If P .G. gets pissed off and comes storming in here, it won't matter much

the pants. Now, turn on the damn light.

You know, P .G., the future of Uranus rests solely on the success of this

Now, if the public doesn't buy the night Mount Rushmore broke wind,

Uranus is wiped out. It can't be that bad, Steve.

Everyone knows that for years Uranus has had a reputation in Hollywood for

making only the most artistic films.

That's right.

My father, C .B., he built this place single -handedly from an old stable.

Uranus has had more Oscar nominations than any studio in Hollywood.

And someday it'll all gonna be mine.

Right, Mommy?

Yes, baby.

And soon.

What you say is true, but the films aren't making any money.

It's my opinion, P .G., that this film isn't worth finishing.

Hollywood's changed.

You have to face facts.

Something has to break.

What's the big hole up in there, Denton?

Do I have to come in there and do it myself?

Can you stop that sucker?

on the track are all right.

Price is up to movie.

Whose idea was that?

Doesn't anyone want the credit?

Tell me, um, just out of curiosity, what's it like with the old man?

Well, it's like sticking a marshmallow into a piggy bank.

I think it is.

Your ass is out of your anus.

Your ass.

How utterly ridiculous, you. You dirty.

Oh, my mouth.

Her. Women.

If that's you, Percival.

There's no need to apologize.

Your behavior has been ridiculous, and I don't want to talk to you.

Oh, my goodness.

Yes. To whom am I speaking, please?

You'll forgive my intrusion, but I really couldn't resist the temptation to

you again.

Oh, I mean Dr. Cassandra.

What?

I know you didn't mean what you just said any more than you meant it last

when you told me not to call you again. Mr. President, sir.

One moment, my sweet.

No, Mr. President.

I was not talking to you.

Ah, I see.

That is a rumor circulated by our enemies.

Goldie did not give me head.

You're welcome, sir.

I must see you, Henrietta.

Why, doctor, why are you calling me when you could have any beautiful young girl

that you want?

My dainty little dove.

Not since I met you at the club lunch and I've had nothing else on my mind.

Promise me we can meet tonight.

End this misery of mine and the other.

Have pity on me.

Why, doctor, you do have a way with words.

Surely you know I'm old enough to be your sister.

What could you possibly see in me?

I see you in everything.

I haven't slept a wink since I first laid eyes on you. I dream of you.

Your eyes, your mouth, your knees, and your elbows.

Like passionate people, that's what they are.

But most of all, here they are, your bosoms.

Just imagine if that makes me wild.

Oh, oh, it had better be tonight.

If you put me off any longer, I cannot be responsible for my actions.

Eight o 'clock.

My bliss.

Positively not, doctor.

This is sheer madness.

I'm not that kind of a woman.

I've got responsibilities.

My husband, a grown son.

What would people say?

No. It's impossible.

But, Lettie, I can explain if you don't stop crying.

Excuse me, I knew it. You don't love me anymore. No, Lettie, it's not like that

at all.

You see, this morning, there was this other woman in the projection room.

I knew there was another woman.

Please, Lettie, listen to me.

There's no one else.

Believe me.

I only had these unmentionables because I thought they belonged to you.

I thought you were cheating on me.

And I'm telling you, Griffith, I know how far behind Uranus is in the lab

payments, but how in the fuck are we going to make any money if you won't

us prints?

I told you, your payment went out in yesterday's mail.

Now, how have I ever lied to you?

Well, that wasn't a lie, just a miscalculation.

We'll take our business to someone else.

Love, love, love.

Love, love, love.

Love, love, love.

What are these things?

They look like toilet paper rolls.

They are. All the restrooms are out of toilet paper.

And the maintenance company won't deliver any more until you pay them two

back's salary.

And the employees are complaining.

Well, take a memo.

Effective immediately.

All employees will provide their own TP.

Damn unions are breaking us

Please

make

sure I'm not disturbed for a half an hour. I I've got to get my head

Yes, sir.

Oh Oh, you haven't forgotten about the staff meeting. Mr. Dartmouth calls for

Levin. Have you?

No, no, no. I have everything ready.

Yes, sir.

Love, love, love.

Take a memo to Denton.

I won't have executives fooling around with Uranus actresses. They're under

personal contract to me.

We make family films.

My employees must reflect that image.

Tell Denton to get on the account and find out what we can do to extend our

credit around town.

You ought to get some money from somewhere.

Tell them to promise them anything.

Yes, sir.

Well, I guess things can't get much worse, can they?

Is there anything in the trade they should know about?

Well, the pornos are bigger than ever.

Devil, throat, green door.

They're making a fortune.

The public wants sex.

Well, I'm with the public.

The Mount Rushmore thing isn't worth finishing.

When they want to see tits, asses, and cocks, you can't give them a bunch of

statues.

If PG doesn't get on the bandwagon, we're dead.

Mr. Denton, you must be joking. Mr. Dartmouth would never approve of sex on

screen.

Tell me, Miss Adams, have you seen Deep Throat?

Yes, I did, as a matter of fact.

For professional reasons.

What was it about?

Well it was about this girl who had this very unique sex problem.

You see, she had never had an orgasm.

Here's something, Mr. Benton.

I wonder

with Brown.

No, no, no.

Look. Oh, it's from Oscar.

Oh, well, hey, let's... Hand me that freezer plate and I'll open it.

What do you suppose he did?

I don't know.

You're setting something staple and then

Isn't

that the most fantastic thing you ever seen

Dear friend, my search for a new Garbo has taken me all over Europe, and now I

find myself in sunny Spain.

What's he doing in Spain? He's supposed to be in Sweden. Unfortunately,

I have run out of money, which caused me to sneak out of Sweden, leaving behind

a hot trail of smoldering Swedes, hurriedly hump my way across

Holland.

Fuck. my way frantically through France and silently slip into Spain at

Biarritz.

Biarritz?

In desperation, I traded my last pair of pants for

a loaf of bread.

On the outskirts of Madrid, I saw a light that looked inviting in the

I jumped off the train and headed in the direction of the welcoming light.

As I clutched frantically to the remains of my bread, I suddenly remembered I

had no pants on.

The night wind was creating an uncomfortable draft between my legs.

I thought of Ingrid, the Swedish sex pot I had left behind in Sweden, and that

warmed me up.

If only her teeth hadn't been so sharp.

Suddenly, without warning,

I now must

tell you that I am being held prisoner by two very simpática Spanish

whores for non -payment.

To pass the time, I am trying to make the best of a dreadful situation by

learning the language.

and several of the local traditions.

I must admit the girls are quite interesting and into many cultural

They both appear to be excellent prospects for the bitter grapes lead,

certain that one of them is going to emerge as the next barba.

I need money desperately.

Wire me immediately care of Casa de Amor Prohibido.

Madrid.

Hasta la vista and hello to your sister?

Oscar.

Wear them back.

Rapes? Canceled. Stop.

Uranus position precarious.

Stop.

Uranus broke.

Stop.

Hang in.

Some guys have all the luck. Stop.

Okay.

There's such magic in your dirty, dirty eyes.

Oh, Spanish ladies, your love must surely come from Hades.

Oh, Spanish sirens, you must put my love in iris.

Oh, my Spanish line, you drive my passion right to its limit.

All you sexy Mexicans!

What you do to me is tragic!

Olé!

Olé!

you Spanish bitches!

Your kisses are so full of wretches!

Oh, you Spanish wenches!

You drag my heart back through the trenches!

Oh, Spanish maidens!

Oh, sexy wenches!

Dark -eyed ladies!

Red -eyed women!

Oh, lusty bitches!

Olé! Olé! Olé!

Olé!

Oh, Spanish bitches!

Your kisses are so full of riches!

Oh, you Spanish wenches!

You drag my heart through the trenches!

Oh, Spanish maidens!

Oh, sexy wenches!

Dark -eyed ladies!

Red -eyed women!

Oh, lusty bitches!

Olé! Olé! Oy vey! Olé!

delay this any longer.

Uranus is wiped out.

We've been licked by the new sex slave that hit Hollywood.

Mommy, you promised me I could be in a movie. Now there ain't gonna be a movie.

Now get off!

I'm not in the mood for any of your tantrums.

You're a boy wonder.

I pay you for ideas.

There's no money.

There's nothing else to do.

There's no credit.

It's a damn shame when the public will pay $5 a head to see someone... Yes, and

when some silly little whore becomes a movie star overnight just because she

gets to gobble up some... Mommy, you can't let him close Uranus. It's going

be mine someday.

Get out, kid. Sit down and shut up.

Love, love, love, love, love.

Hello?

Mr. Dartmouth, there's a person -to -person call for you from the State

Department in Washington, D .C.

The State Department?

Put them on, Mabel.

Mr. Dartmouth.

Yes, this is Percival Dartmouth. Who is this?

Mr. Dartmouth, this is Horace Avery of the State Department.

Dr. Pissinger's office.

Dr. Pissinger's office?

Yes, I have some very good news for you.

Well, I could use some good news. What is it?

Arrhenius has just been awarded a million -dollar contract to film a

version of the Russian -American outer space hookup.

We leave the artistic end up to you.

I don't recall bidding on any government films.

You must be a very good friend of Dr.

Pissinger's. Pissinger?

I've never met him in my life.

Well, good luck on the film.

The money will be transferred to your bank immediately.

Well, that's okay.

He was a bit surprised, but he'll go along with it.

Well, I'll be damned.

What was that about Dr. Kissinger? I don't understand it.

Uranus has been given a million -dollar contract into some outer space thing.

Hot shit!

Uranus stayed open.

If you'll excuse me, Percival, I have to see a friend.

Junior, I suggest that you start studying acting.

Imagine my son an astronaut.

At least we have a temporary reprieve.

I don't understand it. Why us?

Isn't it simply divine?

We're going into outer space.

I don't have a thing to wear.

The idea just hit me.

If we're going to have a million dollars to work with, why don't we sidetrack

enough of it to turn out a quickie porno?

Never, never. You know my principles.

Yes, but I also know that in studying the top grossing films of the year,

broke all box office records.

She's right, P .G. If we can take enough of this government money to turn out a

quickie porno movie, we can get right on a bandwagon right along with the rest

of you.

I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know.

Maybe we should swing with the times.

The fad now is porno films and disaster films like Jaws, Earthquake, The

Towering Inferno, Deep Throat.

The Seaman and Miss Jones.

The trail up Billy's crack.

Why don't we make a sex -aster movie about a bunch of nimble mermaids? And we

could call it Deep Jaws.

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Deep Jaws. We could use mermen instead of mermaids.

Deep Jaws.

The story of a homosexual shark.

I think it's a win, P .G.

We'll do it.

Get Oscar to find a new place for Miss Deep Jaws.

Right away.

Where is Oscar?

Send him a wire. Start search for Miss Deep Jaws.

Attack, swim, and give sensational head simultaneously.

Begin shooting today.

And send him some money, Miss Adams.

Layton, you handle the government bill. Get a cheap porno crew to shoot it for

next to nothing.

I'm an attorney. I'm not a director.

Be what you think you are. Do it.

Denton, deep jaws is your baby. Shoot it cheap and fast.

Gotcha. Chaddock, you work with Denton.

Make yourself useful.

Keep your hands off the actors.

S -E -X -M -O -V -I -E. S -E -X -M -O -V -I -E.

What the hell are you mumbling about?

I heard what was going on up there. You're going to make a sex movie.

Hot shit. I want to be the star.

I don't want to be an astronaut.

Listen, kid, you go blabbing any of this to your mother and I'll... I want to be

the star of the S -E -X -M -O -V -I -E or else.

Ridiculous. You can't be the star.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll let you on the set and you can look at all the naked women.

No, I want to be the star.

Impossible.

My little Hannah, you've finally come to me.

Stop this nonsense immediately or I'll have to leave.

How can I express my delight?

How can I show my sense of emotions?

I can only stay a moment, Hans.

I've come to thank you for what you've done for my husband.

And to tell you we must stop this foolishness before it goes too far.

Ah, my passionate Petunia. Oh, what a woman you are.

Come. Let us explore the illicit delights that await us.

Oh, you little...

This is the script for the simulated space shot. It's top priority, so stop

whatever you're doing.

You're supposed to be typing deep jaws.

Fuck Layton.

PG wants deep jaws now.

Love, love, love. Not now. Out, out, out.

Christ's sake, I've got to do all the thinking around here.

How much can a guy take?

Shit, man, I don't get this script.

I mean, there's only two people in it.

And only one splash scene.

Splash scene?

Well, I guess by splash they must have, uh... They must have been a cum shot,

right? Yeah, this old shirt don't know nothing about movies, do they?

Well, you suppose we better get a hold of that fella in charge.

What's his name?

Fenton or, uh... Fenton?

Fenton.

Yeah.

Should we get a hold of him?

What for?

Well, he'd make the right changes in the script.

Oh! Fuck no.

Leave the script the way it is.

Okay, you say so.

Well, I guess the first thing we've got to do is build a spaceship.

Hey, I got the actor to play the astronaut.

And the chick.

The chick?

The chick.

You mean the one with the goat? The chick.

All right, well, give me that script. Let's see how we're going to shoot this

mother.

Okay.

Hey, you mean they only got one of them splashdown scenes and that's just the

very end?

Yeah.

Dumb fuckers.

Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, Frenchy.

Frenchy, look at that.

That's a simulated space shot.

Hey, man, this ain't no hardcore movie.

I ain't doing no movie ain't hardcore.

Oh, come on, Bucky, man. Bread is bread, right?

Oh, man, gotta have some editing sometime.

Hey, listen, we got to check. We can do something later.

Hey. You mean we'll pretend we're not going to do it and then we'll make it

hardcore anyhow? Yeah!

Fuck Leighton!

Yeah, he's teddy bear!

Oh!

Oh! Oh, God!

just about did me.

And I accused you of cheating on me.

Well, let's not talk about that now, Percy.

I forgive you.

Oh, Percy.

Oh.

There's something on my mind that I must discuss with you.

Oh, anything, anything at all, Betty. What is it?

Well, I heard that you were going to do...

A sexy movie?

Where did you hear that, Angel Lewis?

Oh, I heard it around.

Is it true?

Well, yes.

Oh, Percy, I know you wouldn't want anybody but me to star in it now, would

You want me to be happy, don't you?

Well...

Oh, yes,

but if you worked, you'd have to get up early in the morning,

go to bed early at night,

and you'd be tired all the time.

And you'd have to be naked in front of other men, and you wouldn't want to do

that, would you?

I want to push!

Let's just put it that way.

I'll see to it.

Hello, Denton.

I have the perfect young lady for this big Charles role.

Now, Miss Letty LaRue.

Oh, thank you.

And

of

course, Mr. Dartmouth Singer, when I heard the wonderful news about you going

make a motion picture, well, I said to myself,

I just know that he'll insist on his little Phoebe playing the leading lady

role. But, Phoebe, it's a sex movie.

You're too sweet, too innocent.

I'm saving you for bigger, better, more spiritual things, like a remake of

Bernadette or Fatima.

Something a little more you.

Phoebe.

My dear Mr.

Gottlieb Sr., you were not being very spiritual with me at my apartment last

Monday evening.

If you think that you can just use me and abuse me, you are very much

I am not just another dumb broad with a pretty face.

You give me the leading lady role in this moving picture, or else...

It's impossible.

Skaroo, Mr. Dartmouth.

Skaroo?

Skaroo Bernadette.

Skaroo Fatima.

Skaroo Uranus.

Skaroo Hollywood.

But I will not ever screw you again, Mr. Dartmouth.

Can you act?

be another civil shepherd. Well, the most important thing is... No, it's

impossible. You can't do it. You can't do it.

And why not, may I inquire?

Because the leading lady in Deep Jaws is a cocksucker.

Or not to be.

That is the question.

To be what, for Christ's sake? To be the lead in Deep Jaws, that's what. I've

taken swimming lessons. I'm going to read a book on acting now. I want a copy

the script of Deep Jaws.

It's out of the question, Junior.

Nothing personal.

To squeal or not to squeal.

That. He's the question.

I see.

That's blackmail, you know. It's against the law.

Father doesn't like the idea of his help screwing around with his women.

Especially Miss LaRue.

Especially in his own studio.

Practically under his nose.

All right.

You win.

Here's the script.

But you might call Miss LaRue about going over some of the hot scenes.

She's going to be your leading lady, it seems.

What would Father say?

Oh, he's all for it. I checked it out with him.

Yeah.

Now, run along. I'm busy.

Yahoo!

It says, beauty signed for deep jaws. Will arrive LAX, 2 p .m. Tuesday, Air

France.

PG has promised a part to Miss LaRue.

Oscar signed this one to a contract, and Junior insists on playing the male

lead. What the hell else could happen?

Mr. Decker's office?

Yes, sir.

It's Mr. Dartmouth.

Yes, P .G.

What is it?

Love, love.

Love, love, love.

Love, love, love.

Oh, love.

suggesting that we rehearse?

Why, I don't even think your fathers would think it was such a good idea.

Well, not that we're anything more than good friends.

It says here, okay,

lay down on the bed.

Well, just a minute. I don't need any rehearsing for that.

send it right over.

Right this way. Right this way.

Yes.

Mr. Dartmouth Sr. wanted us to meet.

I mean, for the purpose of me starring in his new movie picture.

This is his card, upon which he has inscribed a message of

a very intimate nature.

Yes, Miss... Mr. Dartmouth.

Miss, uh, Free, is it?

Phoebe. P. Free.

Until very recently from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Well, a friend of Mr.

Moe, Mr. Dardmouth, is a friend of mine, Miss, uh, Miss, uh... Free.

With a P.

Miss Phoebe P. Free.

From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Very, uh, very unusual name.

Well, Mr. Denton, I'm a very unusual type, young man.

Oh, I could tell that right off. Yes, sir.

Could you now? Yes, I could tell that right away. Mr. Denton, I really think

you'll agree that I should have the leading lady role in this movie picture.

Wow.

Wow, yes.

Mr. Denton, I can tack it too, see?

Yes,

Miss Free, Miss Free, Miss Free.

But do you fuck?

Well, not for free. However, I am here for a part in smoothing pictures.

I did not come here to screw.

Why, I am a moving picture actress.

Yes, from the first time I saw you, I said, now, there's a very

serious actress.

A girl who will go far. Oh, I hope so. All the way, I hope.

I can perceive, Miss Free, that you are a woman of great depth.

Oh, yes, I'm going to get you.

I'll make you the star of the show.

You will?

Well, cut.

I'll

give

you a one -year

contract. One year.

A five -year contract.

Mr. Denton, could you make it ten minutes? Yes, I can.

Guaranteed. Guaranteed. Aha!

I got you.

I live for life.

My goodness.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh, don't stop, Mr.

Denton. Oh, don't stop.

Oh, Mr.

Denton.

Yes, what is it? What took you so damn long, Denton?

Going around with one of those poor little actresses, I suppose.

No, no, no, sir. I'm just taking care of business.

You know, these rock songs, you can't understand what they're saying.

Anyway... Anthony, if I find out you've been screwing around with the actresses

under contract, I mean, you're fired, understand?

Yes, P .G.

Now let's get down to business.

I, uh, I haven't heard a... Get a hold of yourself.

Have you sorted out this leading lady?

French girl's coming tomorrow at the airport.

I, uh... Have you taken care of the other two yet?

I haven't found a solution yet, but I will.

Yeah Wait,

wait, you've forgotten something

Just

take your broody hands off me you I saw what you were doing You sneaky little

bastard. Now you've got to give me the lead in the film. I've got a case of

double jeopardy going against you with father.

Ciao.

Baby.

This is the most boring fuck script I've read.

Fuck. We've got to jazz it up. Wait a minute, man. I'm blanking.

Yeah, I got it. I got it, Frenchy. Listen to this. Hey, I'm a fucking

man. We'll make it into a girl -girl movie.

Yeah, we'll take the woman's lib approach.

Two lady astronauts all naked doing things together in outer space.

Oh, it'll go big in the city and it'll draw good with the night crowd.

Well, I don't understand what you're talking about half the time anyway.

The main thing in this film is to get good close -ups of the hookup.

and fantastic coverage of the splash scenes, you know?

You do understand that? Look, we can't have a fucking splashdown scene with two

chicks. Yeah, yeah, we'll work on it. With the budget we have, we can't do

anything too spectacular.

Listen, uh... What's his name?

Fenton. Uh, Benton.

Listen, Benton. Layton.

Oh, Layton.

Meet us on the set in a couple hours.

We'll have some ideas for you. You can pick one. Okay, okay. But remember now.

Good close -ups of the hook -up and splash -down. You got it. You got it,

Layton. You got it. You got it. I don't get a damn what that asshole says. I

think we ought to have a girl -girl movie. Fuck you. We got to have a

splash -down. We got to have a boy -girl movie. That was my girl -girl movie.

But they went to the fucking girl -girl movie. I like girl -girl movies. All

right. My mother liked girl -girl movies. Fuck your mother.

I already did.

And they lived happily ever after. Oh, Hansi, isn't that romantic?

Oh, Henny, we could live happily ever after.

Together. No, Hans.

I'm grateful for everything you've done for me.

But we've got to stop meeting like this.

Oh, Henny, I'll be patient with you.

To think of all the years I spent in therapy until you came into my life.

Do you know that idiotic doctor in Vienna had the nerve to tell me I was a

latent heterosexual?

Oh, Han, don't think of those things. Just suck.

We gotta shoot this turkey tomorrow.

Where the hell is Layton? Never mind Layton. He told us to use our own

discretion. Just stay within budget, all right?

Stay within the budget, shit.

Most of the budget's already gone for wine.

Well, never mind the wine, Bucky.

You know, there's something screwy about all this.

I mean, we're supposed to recreate the fucking space hookup.

That's what it says in the script.

Oh, shit.

I guess it must mean some sort of a fantasy foxing or something. You know,

fancy words about the government and all and shit.

Well, I got this dude coming over that's real well hung.

He said he'd do it for 20 bucks and he guaranteed it's a good cum shot.

Or as they say in the upper crust, a big splashdown.

Here he comes. Oh, get the actors ready.

Well, well.

Good, good.

Yes.

Yes.

Well, how's everything going, fellas?

Yeah, all right. Well, the script's still confusing as hell, but I think we

finally got it together.

What you and I's got to get straight now is exactly what you want from the red

action scene, sir.

Mike, would you send in number 22?

Action.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

No. No. No. No. No. Cut.

Send in 34.

Action.

What do you think, lady?

No. No. No.

Out.

You stay out.

We'll call you later.

This dude's going to be on the floor of the police.

Hey, uh, we got one more out.

You mean... Seventy -four!

Not me!

No,

no, no, no, no.

I think you better sit down and read the script again. Hey, where's the script?

I'm not missing anything. You have it any way you think best, okay?

Just remember,

Across upon the hookup and the big splashdown.

Across upon the hookup and the big splashdown. Across upon the hookup and

big splashdown.

Across upon the hookup...

Well, Denton, how's it going?

Mass confusion.

Who in the hell's idea was it to use the same location for both shots?

Oh, get with it, Denton. The name of the game is to save money.

What if somebody from Pissinger's office comes by to check on us? Don't worry

about it. You can handle it.

Oh, yeah, okay. I'll handle it some way.

By the way, I'm missing a mermaid.

I'm missing a mermaid. Where in the hell am I going to find a mermaid?

Listen, listen, uh, have you solved the problem with leaving ladies yet? I'm

doing the best I can, P .G. Fine, I knew I could count on it.

What the hell have you got stuffed in your pants?

It's my new image, father.

A sex symbol.

Oh, my goodness.

I must get you in the costume.

I never knew you were so talented.

Oh, come this way.

Wait till you see what I have in store for you, you lovely creature.

A new star is born!

How long has that guy been working for? I don't know.

Come on, come on, how long?

I don't know, I don't know. He ain't gonna be working... Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me, Mr. Denton.

Uh, but there's no one to pick up the French chick at the airport.

Um, can we send Brad?

Sure. You can tear him away from Junior.

Fine.

Hey, man.

I thought I was balling some foreign dude.

Ain't no way I'm balling this dude.

He gave me the clap two weeks ago.

As a matter of fact, you can just pay me and I can get the fuck out of here. I

done wasted a whole motherfucking day on here anyway. Now, come on, honey. We

already told you that Russian fella never showed up. He's the best we got.

Hey, fella.

Is it true that you got the clap?

Hey, man.

What do I know from the clap, huh?

Get this goddamn thing over with. Come on. I got another shoot to do in a

minute.

He gave me the clap, and he ain't touching me.

Okay.

Listen, man.

Go get yourself some penicillin.

It will use you in four days.

Well, Brangie, what are we going to do now?

Well, what do you think?

Come on, get into your spacesuits.

Hey, what is that fish doing off set?

You must believe me when I tell you I've never done anything like this before.

What a fallen woman you must think I am.

I love you, Henny. I want to shout it to the whole world.

Hansi loves Henny.

Hansi loves Henny.

Oh, Hansi, hush.

What if somebody hurts you?

Think of your reputation.

Oh, my bonbon.

There's so much of you to love.

I don't know where to start.

You know where to begin, Hansel.

It

is

only right that you test what you pay for. I would never pay for that.

That's not the French way. Oh my god!

Stop that!

That's ugly!

Oh! Oh no! What are you doing?

Oh don't touch that!

Oh you're not my mother! Oh god help me!

What the hell happened to the mermaid? We've got more important things to do

than worry about a mermaid now, for Christ's sake.

Boy, Miss LaRue, how lovely you look.

I thought you took care of her.

It's about the movie role.

Miss LaRue, now is not the time. Now, you run along and get into your costume.

Mr. Jock will be with you in a minute.

What are you... Junior, this little charade has gone far enough.

You are not going to be in this movie, and that's final.

Now, just stay out of everyone's way.

Mommy, he won't let me play in the picture.

Percy, I must speak to you. It can't wait.

What is it, my dear?

Mr. Denton, there's a Miss Phoebe here who says she must see you. She says she

has to leave. Not now.

Not now?

Well, what I want to say to you is that... Look, look, look. Here comes

with the French girl.

Look, run along now, my dear. We'll do it quickly.

I'll meet you out front at the gate.

You brute.

Here, gentlemen, is your new Miss Deep Jaw.

It is with the greatest of pleasure that I turn her over to you.

Have you seen Junior?

Junior!

Junior! Welcome to Uranus.

I'm Frank Denton. This is Mr.

Dartmouth. Hi, I'm Monique.

What do I start on?

Junior. Have you seen Junior?

Oh.

Junior.

I think it's going to work.

I think it's going to work.

I think it's going to work.

All right, everybody gather around here. I'll tell you what we're going to do.

Now, you see, in order to make this thing look real, I'm going to pretend

I'm interviewing you before your first real takeoff into outer space.

I need a microphone to ask. That's good.

All right, you ready now?

Roll camera.

Sound rolling.

Action! All right, here we go now.

I'm from ABS News Service, and I'm interviewing Miss...

Miss White.

You get it? Right.

Now then, Miss White, tell me, what's it like to be the first goon on the moon?

Far out.

Really far out. Hey, can you tell us a little bit about the training program

went through in preparation for this fantastic flight, Miss White?

Hey, man, what's this bullshit?

It was hard to fuck.

Not to say words.

It's going to cost you $10 extra if I've got to say words.

And this fucking suit I got on is about to burn up. Let's see what the fuck I'm

wearing this motherfucker for. I don't know if I got to get laid.

Shit.

Annie, my love.

Annie, where are you?

Your little dinner schnitzel is hungry.

What is the meaning of this?

Junior called me and told me everything.

But, Henrietta... Refusing to put your own son in a movie. But he can't do

Oh, my God!

anymore. Yes, I can.

Yes, I can.

Oh, I'm well.

Oh, I'm well.

I'm well.

Oh, P .G., how do you like your new leading lady?

Which one?

Well, not me, Percy.

Am I the father?

What about Phoebe?

Didn't you get the telegram?

Telegram? What telegram? The telegram. Telegram?

The telegram.

Oh, the telegram. Oh, yeah, here.

You read it.

Well, it says, I'm leaving for Rome to play Natasha in Brothers Karamazov in a

song called Carlo Ponte.

That's what I wanted to tell you. She can't play it either.

Well, let's get this show on the road.

Ain't no way you're going to stick that thing in me without a rubber on it.

Hey, baby, don't you expect me to give him that big splash down the scene if I

got that fucking rubber on it? That's your problem.

I got 15 more minutes and I'm done.

And I'm getting out of here and I don't care what you do.

You ain't sticking that thing. You ain't giving me the claps no more.

I can dig it, baby. Everybody hates a leaky pee -pee.

All right, Frankie, start the countdown.

Is everybody ready?

Three minus five -nine.

Hey! Three minus five -eight.

Three minus five -seven.

Three minus five -six.

Three minus five -five. Three... On your feet, Denton, on your feet.

Don't you have a problem with a missing mermaid?

Well, Henrietta has agreed to play a mermaid.

My God!

Oh, whoa! Now, you listen to the old fool, Denton.

If there's anything I know, it's how to handle women.

Now I want Henrietta in this movie.

Oh, all right, all right.

Three minus five, two. Three minus five, one. Three minus five, oh.

Three minus four, nine. Three minus four, eight.

Okay, everybody, let's get set up for the first scene.

Get Monique in position with the extras.

Fifth. is a big camera.

I am doing a small scene. I need a small camera for a small scene.

Get me a small camera. I need a small camera right there.

Right. I need a small camera. Can't you understand?

I need a small camera.

ready for Mrs. Dartmouth, see?

Mr. Denton, Mr. Denton, she won't come. She just sits there and says, Hansi

loves Hansi. Henny loves Hansi.

All

right,

quiet on it.

Stand by.

What have you done with my honey? What have you done with my bonbon?

Where's my honey?

Experts and actors report that in the pool of the A .D.

No. No.

There's no people like Joe. You're fired.

Great. There's no business like Joe.

There's no business like Joe.

There's no business like Joe.

Get in the groove.

Come on and learn a new move.

Don't be a square.

Make deep jaws.

Oh, yeah.

Get a new shtick.

Learn a new trick.

Dig a new flick.

Don't make a flop.

Get the chick. Do one with the boo.

You're fresh out of dough.

Gotta make a new show.

It's the best way to go.