Original subtitles

One second.

Get in the car.

He's getting in the car.

He's freaking gone.

One second.

Yeah, mate.

Here we go. This is progress.

This is the slowest I've ever seen anyone.

Is he going to thank me for that? Where's my wave?

And there it is. He's waving.

No, Daniel has a hand on a mirror.

What kind of animal raised you that you don't give a wave? Do you know the

danger you've put us in now that I have to aggressively overtake you just to

flip you off?

Wave! I'm going to get out of this car, rip your head off and shit down your

lungs. Stick your hand in the air!

Oops!

No,

no, you're all right, mate, you're all right.

Oh, he's lovely, isn't he?

to the straight people. I'm an ally. Make some noise if you're heterosexual.

Yeah. Put your hand down.

I'm an ally.

I am with you guys. Both my parents are straight, so I feel you in my heart,

okay?

Listen, it's tough for us too, okay? We have to do our own research. And I want

you to know, when I came out of the closet, I was 26 years old.

This was back when Jesus was a boy.

There were two. There were the gays who were the guys.

And then there were the lesbians who were us.

And we had no work for each other. We never talked.

We kept to ourselves. And then one day, the gays came up to us and they went,

hey, lesbians. And we went, what?

And we took off our tool belts.

And then the gays said to the lesbians, hey, lesbians.

Look at that.

And we're like, what is that?

And the gays went, those are bi's.

And we went, bi what?

Bi now, gay later.

And you know what we did? Because we didn't understand what they were. We

understand what bisexuality was. So we went over to them and go, so who do you

guys do?

And they explained it to us. And we're like, all right, come on. Let's start an

alphabet.

This is a very soft trigger for people. People are like, you know, I don't

understand the alphabet. You know, the alphabet mafia.

Alphabet mafia. You guys are taking the whole alphabet. I go, yeah, bitch, we're

coming for the numbers next.

Actually, I just found out there is a number in there now. There's two.

There's a number two in there.

I'm as surprised as you are whenever I see it. I go, holy shit.

And I have to think about LGBTQIA plus two.

Does your husband never get around to fixing that crooked shelf?

Is your house falling apart?

Because he never fixes what he sees all fixed.

Yeah.

You need to hire a lens.

That's me as an animation.

Hi, I'm Lesley Beyond, CEO of Hira Les, the largest and fastest growing all

-female home maintenance company in the world. We're also the only one. Let's

face it, your husband is terrible at DIY and he will get lost in your Bermuda

Triangle. But not our highly trained Lesbitarians.

They're great at both of those things.

Our services include, but are not limited to...

Hinge repair, men's repair, painting, installing smoke detectors, fingering,

repairing drywall, fixing, baking, plumbing, hammering, and slow down

constant craving by Katie Lang.

But don't just take my word for it. Listen to all these satisfied customers.

She was thorough.

Very thorough.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

So thorough.

Hire a lesbian ruined my life.

The house looks great, though.

I release today.

Satisfaction guaranteed.

Honey, can I come back in?

Are you guys watching the cricket?

What's the score?

She was a regular woman dealt a life -altering diagnosis.

You've contracted early -onset Karen.

This is the life of a Karen.

Our Karen now finds herself here, the Karen Clinic.

This is perfect for you, isn't it? Yeah, they've got Fox News running all day.

It is freezing in here.

Well, hello, ladies. Welcome to the Karen Clinic.

How can I help you today?

I'd like you to explain what's colder than which is Ted in here.

It's my auntie. She's been diagnosed with early -onset Karen.

I understand.

We have a lot of ladies like her here. The doctor says it's terminal and I

really want to take care of her myself.

It's just been really hard.

You're doing a fantastic job. Well done. It's not easy.

Hi, I'm Dr. Madison Emerson Addison.

What a horrible name. Poor bitch.

How do you feel about a little look around?

What we're finding is these days more and more of our loved ones are becoming

Karen. It's why we built this amazing state -of -the -art facility.

So these middle -aged white women have somewhere to go to complain and argue

just be angry, free range.

Hey, why are you so loud?

You're causing noise pollution.

Sorry, this is frightful. I'm going to phone the council. This is nonsense.

Yeah, I've got someone here with a terrible haircut and a moose knuckle.

I'm filming you. I'm watching you. This is going on the internet.

I have to get off the phone. I need to record something.

Don't worry about it.

We have expert staff that intercept every call on the property.

This is our telephone interception reception where we take all of our

These guys will role play any complaint line from local council to police to the

shopping centre.

Hello, this is your husband speaking.

I'm an arsehole.

Tell me more.

This is incredible.

What do you think?

Listen, I found your secret stash of Kit Kats in the garage, you filthy truffle

pig. Yes, I am a truffle pig. I'm putting you back on the 5 -2 diet. I

good for your health.

I'll get a salad next time.

You're just like your father.

She's doing really well.

What I'm most proud of is our rehabilitation program.

All right.

Everybody ready?

A young person.

On a bike, on the ground.

How does this make you feel?

I'm fine.

A jeep parking too close to your RAV4.

No. No big deal.

Your niece turning up to a Christmas lunch with her chuzzies hanging out.

Oh, God!

Jeez. It's a family event. Put some clothes on. What did you have for

That is inappropriate.

Okay. That is inappropriate.

No one else is dressed like that. It's Christmas. It's inappropriate. That is

inappropriate. Warning.

Tear.

Not again.

It's inappropriate. No, no, no.

In with the breath.

Out with needing to see the manager.

I really don't know if I'm ready to let her go. Like, what if she hates it here?

Well, then she'll complain.

That should really cheer her up.

Look, she's already settling in.

Thank you, Doctor.

What I find fascinating, the female form.

The woman's body is just such a mysterious place, isn't it? And I think

talk to men, it just really brings home how little you fucking know about stuff.

I talk to my brother and some of my male friends, very little, but I do, and I

say to them, what do you know about the female form? And they go, it can grow a

baby, and it gets very aggressive when it gets its period.

I've got news for you boys.

Wait till it stops.

You might get five minutes a day of clarity and the rest of the time is fuck

time.

But at least science is on board and they've provided us with HRT patches.

Are you familiar with HRT patches? Yes.

So you get this little patch and it's got estrogen. You put it on you. And

when someone comes up to you and they say some unnecessary shit or they look

you or, you know, they breathe. And then that patch goes, oh no, she needs

estrogen. Give it to her now.

Sometimes it's not enough and you have to rip it off and chew it a bit.

But then...

We're at the nightmare where globally there was an HRT shortage last year

we could not get the patches.

Only women my age and up knew how many times a day your life was in danger.

I go to my doctor, I go, do we have patches yet? Is it back?

And she goes, no, but I do have Viagra.

Wouldn't you take Viagra if Viagra couldn't tell the difference between a

and a breast?

Wouldn't you? If you go, you know what, I'm going out on Saturday. I don't want

to wear a bra.

And then you pop two Viagras and both your tits are... Yeah, of course, once

you're over the age of 50, you walk into a room like you're in a zombie film.

Morning, Detectives.

So, I hear you've got yourself a new partner.

Yeah, some hotshot from the city. Detective Biggs or something.

The Detective Biggs?

She brought down the media cartel. They say she's brilliant, but unconventional.

Much like this guy.

Move, nutsack!

Shit, sorry.

You must be Detective Biggs.

And you must be in my way.

I'm giving you batteries for my next fan. I'm melting over here.

You're sweating.

It's like three degrees Celsius.

Yeah, it's gorgeous today.

This is a male.

Thank Christ.

32 years old, time of death 11 .30pm last night.

Looks to be death by a sharp object.

Probably that axe.

Well, well, well, the only thing sharper than this axe is you, detective.

Obvious. Must have been top of your class at police college, eh?

Hmm, washing folder.

That's weird.

Typical. At this stage, murder remains unclear.

Is it?

You got a theory?

Yeah, I have one or two. Maybe the victim was really fucking annoying and

kept droning on and on and on.

It's hardly a motive for murder.

Oh, it is.

It just doesn't make any sense.

Look, I know it must be hard to multitask, what with breathing, blinking

keeping your mouth shut, but there was clearly struggle, and with another man.

You can't know that.

There's no DNA evidence.

Oh, there's DNA evidence. Look at this. A whole pile of washing folded but not

packed away.

Only a man would get this deep into a task and not complete.

The towel on the door. This is not where it goes. It's supposed to be in the

bathroom. Only a man would hang it here and go, this is helpful.

My God.

You smell that?

Oh, yeah. Fresh skid marks, just as I suspected.

Someone's had a poop and didn't use the brush. And then they put the fan on and

didn't spray. You need to spray. If you don't spray, you can literally paste the

shit in this bathroom.

Classic male behavior.

Wow. Stop breathing.

Can you hear that?

Someone's breathing like a fog on. It's getting on my tits so bad.

The killer's still here.

It can't be. We searched the whole house. There's no one here.

There he is. Come and get him, boys.

Let me get it.

You had a bit of a man look.

That was beautiful to watch.

I bet you liked to watch.

Maybe.

Want to go for a drink sometime?

Me and you?

Yeah.

No, thanks.

As soon as you asked me, my vagina just went...

Optimize your life.

Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Optimize Your Life.

Now, last episode, I was lucky enough to interview the author of The Let Them

Theory. Incredible interview. Check it out if you haven't already. But that

has already sparked a new wave of self -help books. And my next guest is the

latest to jump on that craze, Zyla Carlson. Am I saying that right,

Yeah. Welcome to the show. Thank you so much for sharing space with me and

giving us some of your wisdom.

Can I just say that I think self -help books are bullshit?

Sorry, you can just sit back from the mic. You can just sit naturally like

and it picks it up. So your book was inspired by the let them theory, wasn't

If by inspired you mean hated every moment of it, yeah.

Wow, okay. Can you speak to that?

I'm saying the let them theory is putting a bitch back by about 90 years.

Because we've been training these junior bitches up saying, hey.

Stand up for yourself.

Now, this book goes, no, someone's mean to you, let them.

Your kids are out of control, let them.

At work, they're being suck -asses, let them, let them, let them, let them. I'm

not about that life.

Wow. Fascinating.

Fascinating. Now, tell us about your book. What is it called?

My book is called Headbutt, a Motherfucker in the Mouth.

Yeah. Okay, there is an evocative title, isn't it? And let is not in there. No,

it's not. Wow. Can I have a little?

Hold of that. There she is.

Break down the theory for us. How does it work?

Well, it's quite simple. You're out. You identify a mofo in the wild and you hit

butt them right in their stupid mouth. So give me some examples then of how I

could implement the H -A -M -F -I -T -M theory in my day -to -day life.

You're in a coffee shop. The person in front of you takes agents to order.

There's a queue behind.

Okay. Right? So now you've identified them.

as a mofo, just pull your head right back and you headbutt them straight in

their mouth.

Wow. You know, it's provocative, but yet very simple.

This must have taken you quite a long time to write.

Yeah, but a part of three hours.

Three hours a day.

I mean, that's... No, no, three hours.

I mean, there's 182 pages of photos of all the motherfuckers that I've

headbutted in the mouth.

Can we break down this moment here?

Oh, that's Crystal.

That's my neighbour Crystal and her dog, Otto.

I had to headbutt her in the mouth because she kept putting shitty nappies

bin. And I think the thing that made me so angry is she doesn't have a kid.

Now, Izala, I obviously didn't want to have to bring this up, but you will be

aware, obviously, that the London -based writer Harriet Twipple has made claims

that you have stolen her idea from her book, Flick a Bitch on the Tits.

Do you want to respond to that?

No, I don't, because I clearly didn't. One is about flicking pits, so it's not

the same.

Okay. You deny that you were inspired.

You and Harriet can eat my arsehole. Well, I'm starting to feel a lot of

aggression coming my way, so I'm just going to wrap us up. It's been another

fascinating episode of Optimize Your Life.

Can I just have my book back? You can have your book.

Optimize Your Life!

I don't know how to tell you guys this, but I'm single now. I know. I know.

I know. I know some of you would have been following me for a while and gone,

thought you was married.

I was.

But I found a way out.

Turns out it's not a hostage situation.

You can leave. It costs slightly more than the wedding.

But fuck, is it worth it?

Well, you know what?

Because we're lesbians, so we're still best friends, right? We actually still

lived together for a few years, and then we finally got divorced. And I did

repartner, but I had to break up with her.

Because, you know what?

She's one of those people who like to shower together, and I don't like that.

I don't like that at all.

I tell you what, apart from the fact that you don't wash your arsehole the

you're supposed to when you're in the shower with someone.

Well, you don't. You're in there with somebody, it's like half a square to

shower, and that's it. When you're in there by yourself,

you've got to wash that thing properly.

It goes through a lot of shit.

But also, I didn't want to be with her anymore because of the shower thing,

because I've got a little... corner shower you know one of those little

triangular ones with the curved doors that when you open it it only opens that

wide i need to run up in a prayer to get into that shower in the first place and

it's got a dome on it to keep the moisture in because if you don't i live

auckland you can hear your clothes molding in the covers i'm like no and i

there the day the guy put it in it said shower for one person so we're already

breaking the rules with the two of us being in there And it wouldn't be so

but she's one of those annoying adults who like to wash her feet, and you don't

need to wash your feet.

You're an adult. What are you, running barefoot through the paddock? You're

fine. Just squirt a bit of shower gel on the one foot, and the other foot can do

that and that.

But no, she's up there lathering up a face cloth. Really?

So how was your day?

Oh, so you enjoyed that?

Guess what's happening with me while she's doing that?

against that curved door, and because it's curved, the one tit is up here, and

the other tit is down here, and my possum is trying to escape through the

in the door.

You know what's my biggest worry? Because I have children, so you know one

them's going to come in and ask me something stupid like, do bunnies have

And then they see me, and they're like, ah!

I can't believe you're 49.

How was your birthday? No, I told you, I had the best birthday ever.

Any cheeky prezies?

The best. I got the best prezies. And then I got this invite to what I assume

an orgy. I can't really put my finger on it. In a church or something?

Oh, you saw them mix.

Tell you what, they say 49.

I say 45.

We are here today to ruin the lot of Ursula Carpenter's two gay years.

What the hell?

This looks like a terrible orgy. I've been coerced.

Like so many horny women before her, Ursula became a cougar on her 40th

when she entered her sexual prime.

But today, on her 49th birthday, that cougar is officially deceased.

And she's now just some invisible middle -aged lady taking up space in a post

office machine.

Let's hear from some loved ones.

Hi, I'm Jill.

I hooked up with Ursula last year.

I'm really glad I got in just in time, right before she passed over to the

side.

It was middle age.

And I should have seen the signs.

Because right after we did it, she offered me a boiled sweet.

I'm sorry, I can't.

Because I was seething on your throat.

Hey, I don't think we need to listen to anyone else.

I've always found Ursula very sexy.

I know, go, let's hear this one out.

I'd see her walking down the street sometimes, and much as I hate to see her

I love to watch her leave. You know what I mean?

Yeah. But now she's a 49 -year -old crone.

Now when I see her walking down the street, I just worry she's going to have

fall. I'm not going to have a fall. I'm still spry as hell.

I mean, fuck you, but thank you.

Join us now as we farewell Ursula's sexy underwear.

Hey, that one actually still fits.

My favourite nipple rings. My mum left me those in her will. Now the ceremonial

transition to more age -appropriate undergarments.

Nomine patrie, lingerie, cactus.

That looks like a parachute.

Why do they already smell like potpourri?

Hey, guys!

I'm 49, but I'm still hot.

Hot flushes don't count.

I'm a swinger.

Yeah, a mood swinger.

No, I'm still adventurous.

Like eating dinner after 5pm.

Hey, zip your slit.

What I'm saying is I'm still a cougar and I'll prove it. I will shag any one

you right now, right here. Who wants some of it? Come on. How about you?

How about you, Father? It must be lonely in that monastery.

It's so sad. I just want to let go.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Perky boobs to saggy butt. We will remember

Okay, so now that I turn 49, none of you want to do me anymore?

Oh, no, no, honey.

That's just the end of your cougar years.

You've got a much more exciting era ahead of you. What's that?

Welcome, Ursula Carlson, to your gilf era.

Gilf, eh? Mm -hmm. And who are these?

Granny chases.

I can work with that, ladies.

Ow.

Since we've started filming this, I just got some word that the LGBTQIA, we've

added three letters in this 27 minutes and an exclamation mark.

And the exclamation mark is just for people who are sick of everyone's shit.

So if you identify as an exclamation mark, there we go. We've got a brand new

member in the front here. We'll add you to the email group.

Thank you. You have been amazing. Good night.

Honestly, you knew we were going to use your car and this is what you're leaving

us? Imagine what you took out.

Come and help.

Hi, ladies. Welcome to the Karen.

Have we started yet?

Oh, yes. I bet you like to watch.

Now, give me that. My mouth's dry. The dead thing goes. I knew I couldn't do

Hello,

everyone, and welcome back to Aftermath.

I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. Please do it.

Optimise your... Three, two... Optimise your life!

It's not me, it's Ursula.

Break that moment down for me, the moment that you saw Crystal putting

nappies into your bin. I think the thing that made me so angry about Crystal is

I know she doesn't have a baby.

Where's the nappies, Ursula?