Original subtitles

Bless you.

Bless you.

I'm not Christian.

I'm not an ordained priest or anything.

I was just being polite.

I'm the one that's not all over me because you don't know how to cover your

hole. Not a Christian.

No, you're a...

Well, at least now you know I'm not a Christian either.

Oh, hello.

How are you?

You're a good -looking crowd.

Welcome to Ursula.

This may come as no big surprise, but I get a bit worked up when people say

unnecessary shit to me.

I don't know if you're the same. Like anything can tip me over the edge.

You know when you go to pay with your card and when you go to tap, there's

always some 12 -year -old with milk around the mouth that goes, it's not

you've got to tap on the side. You go, shut the fuck up.

couple of toys. How about that? How about that? You like that?

But then I also, I'm the first one to put my hand up and say, yeah, I do

from early onset Karen.

Do you ever watch those videos and go, I don't see a problem here.

We have to go check the comments to see what this poor bitch did wrong.

Honestly, I am with those women. I am with those women a hundred percent till

they get to the homophobia and the racism. I'm like, okay, I'm out.

He's got your father's ears.

He's got your test results.

Please sit down.

No, I'm good.

I prefer standing.

These are pretty serious results.

Come on, honey, sit down.

No, and you cannot force me. It's against my will and goes against the

Convention. I know my rights.

Okay, suit yourself.

Firstly, how are the symptoms?

Excuse me, none of your business. It's a privacy issue.

As you can see, she's gotten worse.

Lots of anger, public outbursts.

We've been arguing with a lot of waiters lately.

I know. I've seen the videos online.

This is menopause. Move on.

I'm afraid it's much more serious than menopause. I'm sorry to tell you this,

but you've contracted early -onset Karen.

No. Oh, no.

How is this possible?

I'm afraid the results are conclusive.

Well, I'll tell you what. I want to talk to your supervisor.

How long do we have? Not long, I'm afraid. As you can see... The virus has

already spread throughout Ursula's internal organs.

That's a myth.

Well, this is all fine and dandy, but I don't recognise you as an authority to

diagnose me.

Look, we did your ancestry and it turns out you come from a very long line of

Karen's. Look. What is this?

Why are these women all so beautiful but all so crazy?

No.

Is this me?

Is this my future?

What happened to him? What will happen to me?

They're so beautiful.

Robust, but beautiful.

I don't know!

How's this possible?

I don't understand what's happening.

Should I be wearing a mask or something?

You should be fine. We haven't seen the disease mutate, which is lucky because

currently there's no cure.

You have to do something. Yes. Give me something right now.

Okay. Take this number.

Is it for a specialist?

No.

That's for the local council.

You'll be calling them a lot to complain about the garbage man.

Even better. Thanks.

You know, who knows? Maybe I can fight this, you know. I don't feel so bad, you

know. Don't worry, we'll get you through this.

Oh, nice, Ollie.

Thanks, lady.

Well done, you.

Oi!

Can't you hear me?

It says no skateboarding. There are children who play in this area. Somebody

could get hurt.

Oh, my God.

Sorry. She's on a period.

I'm not.

I should have punched him in the head.

It's not too late.

$10 ,000.

All right, donkey ducks.

I need a mainstream TV idea that families can watch together and that

advertisers will love, but more importantly, will keep the cashola in my

and you pack a horse or flip a pole.

So hit me with your ideas. What have you got?

I've got one.

The skin I was born in. A heartfelt...

an honest documentary about body image and beauty standards in today's society.

We follow these brave souls on their journey towards acceptance.

Wow, a show about fat people. I love it.

Well, it's more a show about body image.

Fat Fuck Island.

Oh, I love it, Bob.

Talk us through the idea.

Okay, so fat people on an island and potentially they fuck.

Oh, that's too neat.

They would.

They would do that. They would.

They try.

There's a lot of gut. Could be part of their contract.

Yeah. Must fuck.

Yeah, I mean, I... Or, take them out in the country.

Fat farmer wants a fat wife.

Oh, that's great. I think that's straying quite far from my... I've got

She's cooking now.

Married at fat site. You don't know who's coming.

You can hear them.

Fat Ninja Warrior.

Oh, my God. Try and hold on to a rope, am I right? The Fat Singer.

Who is it? They all sing opera.

OK, RuPaul's Fat Race.

The Great British Fat Horse. Fat guy for a queer guy. Dumpy, kind of dumpy. I

think we've gone a little... I've got it.

Fatty, Fatty Fight Club.

OK, hear me out.

We put a whole bunch of fatties together. All the weight that they lose

a tank, okay? And then once a week, we get two of these jumbos to fight each

other. And then the winner gets to eat cake, of course. And the loser goes into

the fat tank.

Fat tank Friday.

Yes! I love it. I love it. Great, Trish. Honestly, Trish, this was remarkable.

Well done. Great idea. This isn't my idea. That's your idea.

This is your idea. I just punched it up. Yeah.

A little bit. It was talking about a wholesome documentary to do with body

image. Yeah, and this has all of that.

Plus it has fighting and a fat tank. That's right. You should be proud of

yourself. Take this moment, okay?

Do you have any other amazing ideas, Trish?

What about at the end if there's a ball pit filled with pudding

and they have to eat their way out?

Because we're fat.

I'm so sorry that you had to hear that.

Shouldn't have said that, Trish. It's too much.

It's too much, Trish.

I mean, she said way worse than... Because I can't.

Because you're fat?

Trish, what the... Because it is my lived experience.

I have that bra extension.

You don't see me pitching ideas on your tour, do you? I'm not out here going,

hey, guys, how about we make a TV show about an ugly, skinny, hairy bitch?

Yeah, Trish.

There might be something in that, boss. I think that idea has legs.

Yes. Ugly, skinny, hairy legs. Write it down. Yes, yes, yes.

Trish's legs.

Hairy. And barren. Bitch.

Barren.

I guess don't mess with me in a meeting, is all I'm saying.

Can we just step to a more serious side? I do want to talk to you about your

health, specifically mammogram, all right? Now, ladies, we got them titties.

And, you know, you have to make... Like, I'm not judging them. That's not why

we're here. I'm not going to get you to flop them out unless you're completely

comfortable with that.

No? Okay, just checking. It's worth checking. It's worth checking.

Just run that past you, all right?

No, men, I don't know if you know this, but men can get breast cancer too. This

isn't a joke. Like, it's true. Men can get breast cancer. A lot of men don't

know that. So, boys, tomorrow morning when you're in the shower, just for a

split second, we'll take your hand off your deck and just feel, just feel that

everything's all right there, okay?

And you know what? While you're going to the doctor for a mammogram, why don't

you get yourself a little smear? And I know that is not high on the popularity

scale things to do at the doctor's. You know, you go in and they always go, just

take your clothes off and put the robe on. I'll just wait outside for you. I'm

like, no, stay.

Why would you go out?

Just stay here.

Plus, I don't take my clothes off anymore. I go, no, you're all right.

pull my knickers to the side for you.

I go, chuck it in, trust me, it'll fit.

If your doctor's not comfortable with that, then respect them, say, hey, don't

worry about it, I'll lower myself down on it.

All righty, let's take a good look down there, see what's going on. You feeling

OK? No, I feel like you're about to shuck my oyster.

Right, well, you might feel some pressure. You just scream out if it

uncomfortable at any point.

OK. OK.

Well... In we go.

Oh.

What? What's wrong?

That's interesting.

What's interesting?

Huh.

You have, in my personal and professional experience, the smallest

ever seen.

Is it?

Tiny. Oh, my God.

And quite frankly, petite.

That's amazing.

I didn't think I was going to hear that today.

Can I get a second opinion on this?

I'd love it.

This is going to make Mark's day.

Hey, Mark.

It's one of the best days ever.

Oh, whoa.

The whole gang's here. I should have sold tickets for this show.

It's extraordinary.

I know. I've never seen anything like it.

It's quite remarkable.

Oh, thank you.

What do you think?

That is officially the smallest pussy on record.

Oh, my God.

Well done.

Mine's huge.

Yeah, no, it is massive.

I can hear it. It sounds like the ocean.

Excuse me.

I've got London on the line. Hi, London.

Good Lord.

Thank you, London.

It's how big Ben is to know.

Oh, fisherman, what do you think? It's so small.

I'll kiss it and throw it back.

Has anyone actually measured it?

It's a flawless melee.

Decolor. Eye of clarity, but with a brilliance and sparkle beyond its

Wow. What do you think, designer of toys with many small moving parts?

Basically a choking hazard.

Oh, you'd better keep Pinocchio out of this. That boy tells one lie.

This is honestly the best day of my entire life.

Right, well, now let's check the anus.

Oh, we don't need to do that.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Guys, it only looks big!

This is my vagina. It's so small.

I like your hair. Thank you, Bubby.

It's gorgeous work.

Okay, lovebirds. Welcome to your wedding cake tasting.

Bon appetit. I've been waiting for this day for longer than the actual wedding

date. Gosh.

You know cake is my everything.

Should we? Yes. Let's do it.

Mmm.

That is to die for. The best. Oh, good. Thank you, ladies. Thank you. It has

been a privilege to bake for such a beautiful couple.

Oh, my God.

But now for my favourite part, the wedding cake toppers. Oh, my God.

I didn't sleep last night. Okay, first up, we have the lovely Lisa.

Oh, my gosh, I love it. And also, do you recognise that's your mum's wedding

dress? Baby, did you do that for me? I did do that.

Making this was like carving the Venus de Milo.

Oh, thank you.

Now, your bride.

I'm so nervous now.

Don't be nervous. I am. We have Ursula.

What is this?

Why is it so heavy?

It's a thing made from lead.

This is...

This thing is the hunchback of Notre Dame. It should be living under a bridge

and not be on top of a couch. Look, I think she looks beautiful.

There's nothing in this that looks like me.

Well, this thing's got lopsided tits. That's not me. Hey, I love your lopsided

tits. Look at the butt on this thing.

Kim Kardashian on this side. Harris Hilton on this side. It looks like a

bulldog. And they're a chihuahua trapped in a bag. And why is this nose this

size? It's like half the face of this nose.

And what is this white stuff in the front here?

Did a seagull shit on it before he brought it out?

This is hideous. Okay, all right. Now, listen, I've never once had a complaint.

Well, allow me to be the first.

Now, I have made a backup. Would you like to see it? Yeah, thanks. Okay.

Fantastic. I think you're going to like this one a little bit more. Oh, what do

you think of that?

We think that's you.

I wouldn't have thought so. It's got the hat. It's got the apron. It's even

holding another little cake topper in its cake topper hand.

Would you look at that?

So is.

Let's just see what it looks like.

There.

I think we can work with this.

Are you trying to muscle in on my marriage?

Oh, I see what's happening. You want to steal my bride? Take it. Have it.

Live your lives and I will steal your cake. You can't steal something you've

already bought.

Oh, babe.

I can see it now.

Enjoy each other.

We'll leave.

Did you guys watch the poo cruise?

Listen.

My heart, when people say, you should do a comedy cruise, I would rather run

full speed into a fucking wood chipper.

Why would you risk going on a cruise when the possibility exists that a crew

member will hand you a bag and go, henceforth, you'll be shitting in that.

No, Sam.

I watched that poo cruise thing and even if you haven't watched it, you can

figure it out. Poo cruise.

It's like you didn't have to watch two girls one cup. You just know it's gross.

The thing that disappointed me the most about that poo cruise documentary is the

fact that no one butch lesbian took control of that ship and went, oi, no

shitting in a bag.

Okay, we're all going to be shedding over starboard.

If you need to go for a shit, just hang your ass over the side of the ship.

It's a little trust exercise with your partner. They will hold your hands as

you're shedding over the side of the ship.

And just watch your mouth. Don't be saying stuff like, you're just like your

mother.

One of my biggest passions in life is crime documentaries.

Who loves a good crime doctor? Yes, how good. Do you hear how that's a lot of

women? I think it was even with me, like I am slowly planning the perfect

murder.

I reckon I'm about this far away from nailing it. I just need to figure out a

way to get my mother -in -law to my house without a paper trail to me.

I'm kidding, she's dead.

Just to me, she's still alive. To other people, she's dead to me.

I got a job.

Classic smash and grab.

Bank heist. And to pull it off, we need an elite team.

That's why I brought all you here.

Leo, best safe cracker in the game.

I get in, I get out.

Like a ninja.

Like a ninja.

Barker. Weapons specialist.

Anyone gets in my way?

I get an S.

Wheels.

Getaway driver.

McCain brothers.

Muscle.

And lastly, the brains of the operation.

This is Ursula.

Hello, boys.

How's it going?

Who the hell is this?

Man, I've never heard of no Ursula. Oh.

I'm the mastermind of the operation.

Popcorn, anyone?

What makes you think you're the mastermind?

Simple. I've watched every single true crime documentary ever made, so I know

how to get away with every crime.

Bullshit, you can't have seen them all. I mean, there's far too many.

Mate, I'm a stay -at -home mum. I watch it while I'm doing my chores.

Tell them what you know, Urs.

I know how to rob banks and boot diamonds and swindle women on Tinder. I

how to lead cults and run pyramid schemes and kill people on staircases.

name it. I had a consult on the London job.

Didn't those guys get caught?

Yeah, but they wouldn't have if they'd used their left hands to write the

note. Got that one from the jinx. It's my favourite.

Ursula knows everything that's going to happen before it even happens.

That's right.

Now prove it.

Easy. Usually on a heist like this, the day before, one of the members just up

and leave without explanation. You know what? The hell with this. I'm out of

here.

Told you. And then someone in the team will just turn up dead.

And the murderer is usually someone you would least expect, like a male family

member. It was him.

God, she's good.

Good? We just lost three of our men.

Who's going to be our muscle? Who's going to drive it? Bigger worry.

Who's the rat?

Rat. Good rat.

Well, on a tight group like this, one of you is normally a narc. And in this

group, I'm going to say...

It's you.

What? Walker! I say it isn't so!

I don't know what she's talking about. Hi.

He's a cop!

Really?

That's not what he looks like.

Cover's blown.

He didn't back up.

Really, Parker?

How could you?

I'm sorry.

I knew that was going to happen.

Right, so I'll kill the cop. Any advice?

Well, try not to leave any DNA at the scene. And whatever you do, do not go on

true crime docker and accidentally confess.

So embarrassing.

Thanks, Urs. You're the best.

Watch your back.

What are you doing, Leo?

Parker was my friend.

And my lover.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to say, usually at one of these things, someone always

in love.

Wouldn't you say something?

Are you kidding? This is the best part.

Put your gun down, Leo.

Yeah, put the gun down, big dang.

My gosh, best crime and wine night ever.

It's pretty exciting.

God, I could kill for a finger bang, I tell you what. One of these boys is

alive.

It'll be a whole different night.

Well, I guess what we can take away from this is make sure you get your

checkups. Go to the doctor. Go talk to your doctor. But also make sure it's not

a creepy doctor that'll bring 40 people in to look at your clacker.

But I must go now because I have to hop on a cruise so I can go join Fat Fuck

Island. You guys have been absolutely amazing.

Good night.

That's interesting.

What? You.

And I apologise if this is coming on a bit forward.

What's that?

It's the number one thing we've got to do.

Don't sniff the glove.

Now, for the cake toppers. Yes, first things first.

I love the box, Evan.

Cake toppers. Yes.

I even like the box.

We've heard.

Next up, Urschel.

Oh, my.

Sorry,

I hate myself.

I hate you too.

Urschel. Oh, my.

Stop it. It has been a privilege to bake.

I would like the privilege of baking.