All language subtitles for Rivals S02E01 (2026)

And we're live in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Welcome to the naughtiest show on
television. Coming to you live from

Corinium Studios.

Uncensored. Tonight we'll be bringing
you the stories they don't want you to

hear. We name the breakfast television
presenter who's been staying up late

Ladies of the Night.

And as rumours circulate about a famous
pop star's homosexuality, our celebrity

panel wonders.

You are the poofs of pop.

But first, love and prayers from
everyone at Carinium for our beloved

Lord Battingham. Fuck you!

Everyone at Carinium has been shocked
and saddened by his tragic accident.

Lord Battingham, Tony, wasn't just our
boss. He was our family.

But it takes more than a little bump to
the head to keep Tony batting him down.

Help me.

All I needed was the love you gave.

All I needed for another day.

And all I ever...

How long does this drive?

Oh, my God.

Look at the size of this place.

Welcome to Bella Vista.

Val's had a ride. on this since we moved
to Green Lawns. It's nice though, being

right here in Penscom, near Rupert and
you lot. We've brought us some new

costumes. Ah, well Val's got some rules.

No running, pushing, ducking, bombing,
or skinny dipping.

What about heavy petting?

Go for your life. I'll just keep the
cosies on.

Here they are.

I invited the polo team there for some
swimming.

Well, it's a bloody circus.

You all right, lads?

Ready?

Sebi and Dom Carlisle. People call them
the Heavenly Twins, although they're not

identical. Sebi is Tora, and apparently
Dom is... Oh.

Where's the pool, Mr Jones?

Follow me.

Welcome to Bella Vista.

We called it Bella Vista because it
means nice view.

It's so wonderful to be able to stand at
the bottom of one's drive and not be

able to see one's house.

Right, if you'd like to go through.

Shoes off, everyone, please.

Who's that having a go?

One of Baz's stick chicks. I tell you
what, Patrick, only let beautiful people

play polo.

Where'd they let you play then? I'm the
patron of the Joneses Jets.

Patron? Is that how polo people say it?
Yeah, I just give them a load of money

to sponsor the team and then they stick
me on a pony and they set me up to score

goals and look good.

We're finally where we belong, aren't
we, Fred Freds?

Hello.

It's so nice to have a man around the
house.

Oh, so nice to have a man around the
house.

Someone sweet who's glad he found you,
who will put his arms around you, and

kisses just astound you. It's so nice.

Oh, a house is just a house without a
man.

He's a necessary evil in your plan.

There are many things about him you just
cannot do without him. Though it's just

a constant game of cat and mouse.

It's so nice to have a man around the
house.

Tacky? Hey, McAwee.

Uh, yes.

Prick me with a fork?

I'm done.

Brian. Ed.

Venture meeting.

Jacuzzi. Let's talk polo.

It's our first chance of making TV.

We're going to film the match, vlog the
footage to the BBC, and show everyone

that Venture can cover sport.

Do people really want to watch polo? I
love watching polo. It's the Russia Cup.

This has been held on the estates since
1874.

You sure you want me on telly on a
horse?

Pony. What?

Anyway, with no bloody Rupert, our
team's a man down.

Still no word from him. Or Cameron.

Not even a bloody phone call. It's
pandemonium at Carinium. No, Cameron.

Tony's still off work after his
accident. I'm in charge of everything.

But you're very strong.

I'm double -agenting Henry, remember.

Oh, yes.

Sorry, Charles, I hate to admit it, but
I was under the impression we had

already won the franchise, huh? We won
the right to compete against Perineum.

Jesus, Henry, it's a good thing I'm
hiring proper staff. The Prime

really quite ticked off. The general
election's days away and nobody's heard

from him. But last time he got himself
lost in a sex marathon, he didn't come

for air for a month.

Devil take your holiness.

Thank you.

Lady Hampstire? Why not, Mrs Jones? Oh,
no, please.

Call me Marcy.

Oh, have we told you that Wayne is
starting Eton in September?

We're very proud of him.

How did he get in? Did Freddie donate a
computer there?

Well, now he passed exam.

No!

war polo

I really didn't want to see my brother
completely naked, but I saw the Carlisle

twins fit, so I'm taking that as a win.

I thought Sebby's really was nicer.

Have you thought I heard anything more
from your Seb, Tag? Oh, he was never my

Seb. His letter was lovely and his new
job sounds amazing. Dumped you in a

letter? What a shame.

Have you heard from Cameron since she's
been off shagging Rupert? Dick, dick.

Tag? What's the matter?

Um...

Rupert kissed me.

Fucking fuck! What?

Where? In the kitchen.

No, I meant where did he kiss you?

Oh, on the mouth.

He said such lovely things and then the
next day he just disappeared.

Oh, Doug.

He couldn't breathe without me.

I just don't believe he would say that
and then just disappear.

It doesn't make sense.

Something awful must have happened.

I mean, bringing me here, keeping me
safe.

That's just good manners.

Rupert, be serious for a moment.

I promise I'll protect you.

And I will.

Will you hide me here forever?

Well, we don't have to stay in Devon.

We're friends all over the world.

We keep moving.

Stay ahead of the game. Stay ahead of
the game.

Really well, Dad.

We thought you were dead.

It'd be dark, Miller. Very invincible.

Thank you, Beatrice.

If you patch your belongings for school,
the car will be waiting to take you

back, girls.

Archie, you'll go by train.

Listen to your mother.

Why, she'd thank you, darling.

You really don't remember anything.

No, I got to the police. It was a
complete blight.

And she'd school me, you know.

No, it's very kind of you. Thanks for
your answer.

Yes,

it's certainly very nice to be home.

I know, I know, I know. Quite the end of
a serious cliffhanger.

Thank you.

Thank you so much. It's splendid to be
back home with the family.

You too, Lady Gorsley. Thank you. Good
night.

You should be heading up the wooden hill
to Pepperture, Tony.

I'll redress your wound for you.

Let me look up down there.

No cigars.

Come on, dog.

I didn't play that.

I think she's gone back to America.

She's gone to Rupert Campbell Black.

And let me tell you.

From the moment he met Maude, he was
infatuated.

Words started pouring out of him.
Everything he ever wrote was for her.

This hugely magnetic woman who
constantly rejected him.

Anyone would think this was your
biography, Declan. That's why it has to

who tells the Yates story.

Documentaries are normally so dry.

No offence, Mike.

Maude Gaughan married someone else just
to get a rise out of Yates. What does

Yates do?

Tries to seduce her daughter.

Sounds like EastEnders.

EastEnders did get 28 million viewers
last month.

Documentaries aren't presented by
celebrities.

Whatever next? Joanna Lovely on
plumbing.

Listen, we really do want your face back
on the b -ball, boy.

Would you consider hosting Breakfast
Time?

Frank Ball's on his way out. Right on to
the mornings.

Can I say, Jeremy, this is exactly what
the BBC Documentary Department are

looking for.

New formats bringing the wonders of the
world to a wider audience.

Declan O 'Hara, Irish God, and British
National Treasure. And who got his big

break at the BBC?

Look. It's relevant.

It's noisy. It's informative.

But gripping. Homework becomes
entertainment.

A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine
go down in a most delightful way.

Your love is king Crown you in my heart
Your love is king Your love is

king Your love is

king I blink and you miss me,

right?

I mean... You don't have to be kind,
Declan.

I really appreciate you coming.

House falling apart without me, is it?
It's quite, sir.

Hey!

I mean, the kids seem okay.

Sure, why wouldn't they be?

You're doing a play. We're all very
happy for you.

They've offered me the tour.

Right.

But, couldn't you?

But I really want to come home once
we've finished in London. Oh, thank God.

But I meant what I said, Dylan.

I need to keep working.

Understood.

Are you dancing?

You ask him.

Never stopped us before.

Making me dance Inside

Touching the very part of me

It's making my soul sing Tearing the
very heart of me I'm crying out for

more

I had a meeting with Jeremy Bonnington
earlier.

The BBC are interested in turning the
Yates biography into a documentary.

What? I really want to film it in Sligo.

And I'm playing Walt Garn, right?

If you were a wet dance star now, I
couldn't afford it. Stay, you have more

do than me.

Oh, my God, the Christmas tree.

I like the Christmas tree.

What do you think of the new ending?

Hmm.

Yeah. I mean, it was sacrilegious, but
it gave a new meaning, I suppose. You

fucking bullshitter!

The only thing that producers haven't
changed is the ending. She still leaves

her husband and children for a better
life, but you wouldn't know that. Just

you didn't know, the Christmas tree fell
over tonight because you didn't watch

the play.

Maud. Get out.

Listen, the meeting has ran over. I had
every intention of going to... Don't

fucking get out! Maud. Get out! Come on!
Please, don't.

Just get out! Just fucking get out!

Maud.

Maud.

Ladies.

Is that Terry Wogan?

Sorry I'm late, darling.

I've had a terrible headache.

the fuck is this?

I'm giving you a choice.

A choice?

I tried to kill you, Tony.

Well, because I hurt you and you were
defending yourself, we both got a little

carried away.

I lay in that hospital bed and wondered
what this meant for our relationship.

I could have you punished.

Sent you to prison.

Can't imagine America walking back after
that.

But then I thought of the alternative.

And that is?

Forgiveness.

I've already told the police. I don't
remember anything. If you stay with

Corinne, stay with me, I'll remember it
was a simple accident.

I love you, Cameron.

No, you don't love me.

You just want to be Rupert.

Rumours of my demise have been greatly
exaggerated.

Which one of you greased the front
steps?

Seriously, do be careful entering and
exiting the building. My little slip

have been far, far worse.

Thank goodness for Miss Madden.

Joyce, I can almost trust you to catch
me when I fall.

I would like to welcome back Cameron
Cook, who's been taking time away to

the opposition.

Her first -class espionage means we are
now fully abreast.

of Ventura's plans and are ready to
knock them out of the competition.

Thank you, Miss Cook. There are no
lengths you won't go in order to keep

Carinium, this franchise bid, and all
our livelihoods safe.

Let us make no mistake.

We are under attack.

Ventura, led by Rupert Campbell Black.

And Declan O 'Hara will continue to
solicit employees from our ranks to

confidential information.

Those Venturer gangsters have no
scruples.

So be on your guard.

Trust no one.

Charles, where's Charles Fairbairn?

Here, Tony.

Charles has done a fantastic job
covering Cameron's role whilst he's been

so thank you, Charles.

Now! Beatty and Sarah's Uncensored is
demolishing the competition.

The teams are gearing up to shoot Series
3 of Four Men Went to Moe in September.

Master Dog will be back, bigger and
parkier than ever, with James Verica

presenting duties.

1987 is a franchise year, ladies and
gentlemen, and we are at war.

An eye for an eye.

We'll take their fucking heads off!

Rupert. Sorry, Tag, not now.

Battingham found out about Cameron and
me.

She thought he was going to kill her, so
she walloped him. Shame she didn't

succeed. That's why we had to get away.

She was in danger. I had to protect her,
but he found us.

So why has she gone back to him? I don't
know. She just got into the helicopter.

Doesn't seem like Cameron.

She's such a tough cookie.

She was scared of him.

We've... We've got to get her out of
there.

Well, she's a big girl.

She's gone back to him. Then we've got
to accept her.

No, it's not like that. There's got to
be something else going on. You're

Rupert. She's definitely Team Carinium.

She's back at Tony's side as if nothing
ever happened.

And there's something else.

Tony says that we're now filming the
polo match on Sunday.

No, we're filming the polo match on
Sunday. Sorry, Declan, it's all set.

Carinium are filming the polo too.

Well, let's get ready for a fight.

Morning. Hello.

Hmm.

We've become a blog. Welcome to Venture.
Mike Maples. Oh.

Excited to be here.

You ready? Well, I left behind regular
hours and a BBC pension to work for my

Broadcasting Heroes renegade production
company.

I've never been so poor or so happy.

Okay? Make the work done right away.

Cameron.

Beautiful day for it.

Let's have a fair fight.

Let the best team win.

You can make television without being a
cunt, Tony.

It's not really so much fun, though, is
it?

Go on, Cameron.

What are you doing? I'm staying ahead of
the game.

Come on, lads.

It's time for David to pick a lie at
that.

Put on your red shoes and dance the
blues.

To the song they're playing on the
radio.

If you say run, I'll run with you.

If you say hide, we'll hide.

Because my love for you would break my
heart in two.

We'll be right back.

What?

This is my new favourite sport.

There's no one actually here to watch
polo, they're here to watch each other.

Has Rupert said anything?

I don't say he wants to get Cameron
back.

Well, there's complicated men to fall in
love with.

Polo Polo, the sport of kings.

Four players per team, four chukkas per
game, seven minutes per chukka. Look at

all the pretty horses.

Let's horse around. Horse play.

Par for the horse.

Ponies. Can I get some water, please?

What? They're called ponies, Jim.

I thought ponies were baby horses.

Apparently not.

Stupid game.

Stand by to record.

Floor standing by.

Waiting for shot to clear. We ready?

Chukka, chukka, chukka. Chukka car,
chukka car. Okay, on camera one and

Did you know, James, that polo is the
oldest ball sport in the world, dating

back to 600 BC?

Yes, Sarah, I did.

Now, viewers at home will be wondering
why you're wearing that rather fetching

jumpsuit. Are you auditioning for
Treasure Hunt?

Yucky!

I'm so sorry, oh my God.

Polo Ralph Lauren! We have BC standing
by to take over.

Did you strip James off?

Oh, she's already on it.

Not all my trousers.

Maybe in the van.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the
final of the Russia Cup at the estate of

Lord and Lady Hampshire.

We have four -time winners and last
year's champions, the Remington

playing against newcomers, the Jones
Jets.

The match is about to start.

Stand by.

Let's rock and roll!

Go on, buddy!

Go on, buddy!

What on earth is that woman doing?

Her high heels are stuck in the mud,
Gwendolyn.

She looks as though she needs to go to
the moon.

I'll get you some champagne.

It's wonderful to see you out and about
again, Monica.

Tony's accident must have been very hard
on you.

We're all soldiering on now.

Do let Hermione and me know if we can
help at all.

We'll come out, big girls. Look out for
one another.

Well, I must say, Mrs. Stratton looks
ready for action in her boiler seat.

Ah, Sarah has a surprise for us after
the final chukka, Reverend Penny. Enjoy

that. Ooh, what's the surprise?

It wouldn't be a fucking surprise if I
told you, would it?

Now let's enjoy these fools getting
beat.

We're right back in it now, pushing
hard.

We like to play from the trees, but
Johnny has said it, half in between each

other.

That's one.

That's one.

That's it.

And that's a goal.

With the score now at one goal apiece,
it makes it even Stevens at the end of

the second chucker.

My lords, ladies and gentlemen, please
take to the pitch for David Snappy.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

Come here.

Sorry. He just loves telly.

Which play do you want?

Uh, Carinium.

Hello. I'm Carinium. Ah.

Is Master Dog coming back?

Of course.

Are you thinking of entering?

Oh, no.

David does not enjoy the spotlight.

I like having my belly rubbed in front
of Knott's Landing.

Don't we all, David?

David Balwawi, if you please.

Would you like to watch the filming with
me?

Could we?

That's awfully kind of you.

Charles, there they are.

Murphy, short for Caroline.

Sweaty work.

back to mine and have a long shower.

Who with?

Me or my brother?

We know you've been bonking both of us.

Don't play a player, mate.

It's like West Side Story.

The two different sides coming together.

Yeah, I guess it is.

Do you go both ways then?

Oh, I just...

Like that.

A lot. Oh.

I haven't done it yet.

I really want to, though.

All set for the big surprise, team?

Ready for the grand finale?

Mm -hmm.

I can't wait to come and see you
tonight.

Tonight can't come soon enough.

Is Rupert the daddy or is it James?

We've been running to the ladies at
work.

The men around you may not have
realised, but that's men.

Right.

Ready for launch.

Sarah's so excited she could burst.

Smile. We're going to be in Tatler.

No, come on, crack it. Little distance.

That's enough, thank you.

Let's get you up then, Sarah.

We discussed it. It's really very
simple.

You jump out of the plane, the parachute
pops open. You just float like a little

butterfly. Thrilling. Down into the
field, everyone on the floor is lovely

lonely.

No problem. No.

Come on.

We'll look after her. Good luck.

Tony, I'm pregnant.

Ah, speak up, woman.

I'm pregnant.

Oh, you are the face of two primetime
television shows. This is huge.

Well,

we'll have to start auditioning for
replacements on Monday, don't you agree?

Come along, then. Let's get you off on
the plane.

No, I can't.

Tony, I can't.

I have four camera crews, 12
photographers, the whole of Russia

fucking surprise.

Who's going to jump out of the bloody
plane, then?

They can't do it. They're struggling to
get hold of him and he's still there.

Campbell back, going right back, he's
going to have the ball, he's got to go,

he's got to do it.

And a lager for Mr Jones, please.

He looks thirsty.

Can you put it in there for me?

I can't stop thinking about you.

Me too.

It's like a beautiful dream.

Didn't he do well?

He was wonderful.

Well played, Freddie.

Oh, I worried he was too tubby for polo.
Hey, that poor Oggs.

Could you take a picture of this? Give
the camera to Mrs. Vericar.

OK. I'm not great with these.

Let's go.

Thank you.

Cheers. Cheers.

Love, love.

Come on. Sharon.

Lizzie. No, no, Freddie.

You've walked off without a camera.

Oh, God, sorry.

I think it's best we keep away from each
other.

It's going to be quite hard.

Us being neighbours now and everything.

It's hurting my heart.

My lords and ladies and gentlemen, for
some quiet, please.

We are delighted as ever to host you all
here in the grounds of our humble home.

And this year with even more joy in our
hearts than usual, because... The day

Hermione and I thought would never
arrive is finally on the horizon. After

sterling work for the spastics and
rebuilding that school in Ghana, our

Caroline is getting married.

We are delighted.

To announce the engagement of our
daughter, Caroline Margaret.

Yes.

To Mr.

Gerald Middleton. Come up, Gerald.

To Gerald and Muffy, everyone.

Well, personally, may I say how fabulous
it is to have you back at the helm,

Tony. Stronger than ever. And the worst
for my little adventure.

Ah, yes. And before Carinium's big
surprise today, just to confirm for some

concerned viewers at home, this was an
accident. It wasn't due to any foul

I slipped on the steps outside Carinium
entirely my own fault.

Perhaps I should wear trainers instead
of brogues. Well, thank you for putting

all our minds at rest. And cut.

Terrific, Tony. Well done. Excellent.
Thanks,

Tony.

Glad we got the truth on record.

No threat of police for me.

No public scandal for you.

Win -win, right?

You stayed ahead of the game.

I did.

There it is.

Mikey,

Mikey, shoot it. Right.

Roll on the parachute.

And the behind -the -scenes fiasco Tony
Baddingham didn't want you to

see. As a Carinium employee humiliates
himself.

after crash -landing his parachute into
a tree.

Poor chap. I hope he's all right.

In the ITV franchise battle between
television titan Carinium and the newly

formed Venturer television, it was
Venturer who won the day.

What?

May I speak with you, Tony?

Oh, this is getting extremely dull,
Sarah.

If you want to keep your job, your
little inconvenience needs to be flushed

away. It's yours.

It's your baby, Tony.

Long day.

Long day, darling.

What's for dinner?

I have to admit, today was embarrassing.

Oh, darling, I'm sorry.

Not for me.

For you.

You let her humiliate you in front of
our friends, in front of your children.

I defied my father and my whole family
when I agreed to exchange this house for

your surname, Tony. There will be no
more lies.

Or I will hurt you.

Far more than any mistress ever could.

You want to win so badly.

You make yourself very easy to beat.

Come on, dog.

Why didn't you

tell me you were Jerry's chum? I just
can't believe it. There's going to be a

proper little gang, the three of us.
Well, the four of us.

This must be what love does to you. I'd
completely forgotten about David.

I'm just not mounting Gertrude in the
garden.

You should have told me she was Henry's
daughter. Sorry, Charles, I wanted to

speak to you first.

And tell me you're into Muffy.

I like her.

You think it'll work?

Our plan.

Worth a try, isn't it?

They're very exciting, the last two
chuckers. I've played some chuckers in

life.

Thank you, Angel.

We did it.

You did it.

Where did you manage to hold your nerve?

I held on to Rupert and waited until
Tony publicly absolved me.

If he goes to the police now, he'll just
look foolish.

Tony would never let that happen. We
better be careful. He'll be out for

Glad you got out alive, though.

Well, I got out alive, but without my
car or my apartment.

Well, you're coming to live with me.

Penscom Court.

You mean that?

Cool. You know what, I'll just, um... Be
back in a sec.

Need to explain.

Cameron came to me for protection.

I had to get her away quickly, keep her
safe from Tony, do the right thing.

I'm trying to behave honourably.

Did you sleep with her immediately or
did you honorably hold off for one

I was already sleeping with Cameron
before I kissed you. Well, then you

shouldn't have kissed me. No, I
shouldn't have kissed you.

Drew, what everyone says about you, you
aren't capable of love.

Terry. Please, get out of my kitchen.

People say that life isn't a fairy tale,
that happy ever after doesn't exist.

But what if you just haven't found the
person who'll give you your happy

It's up to you to give yourself the love
you deserve.

However, be prepared, with love may also
come war, and every war has its

casualties.

What's peculiar?

Dogs?

Get the fuck out of my house.

You know it's only a matter of time
before he did Shishi Cameron.

Six days, six weeks.

He might even keep you six months to
venture off finally.

Don't get the franchise, then he'll kick
you out like all the rest.

Why are you here, Tony?

I brought you a housewarming present.

I don't need evidence to punish you.

The retribution I had planned will be
far more painful.