Original subtitles

[ Light laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Welcome back.

Welcome back, Mr. President.

That was quite a journey you took.

-Yep. I did what every doctor recommends for an 80-year-old --

a two-day whirlwind trip to China.

I just flew home from China, and, boy, are my legs swollen.

-[ Chuckles ] Very, very good, sir.

-That doesn't look good at all. -No.

-What are you talking about?

-That's bad. -Mm-hmm.

-You know what?

I'm sorry I didn't take you with me to China, JD.

I would have, but I didn't want to.

But I brought you a present that President Xi Jinping gave me.

-Oh.

A finger trap. Uh, it's very nice.

Did you -- What did you give him?

-Taiwan.

Now, JD, I need some time to relax

and to not be around you.

-Okay. Do you -- Do you want me to leave?

-Is the Pope Catholic? -[ Chuckles ]

Not enough for me!

[ Laughter ]

-Well, it's time for one of my patented mid-work naps.

Just gonna rest my head on this gold bar

that Switzerland gave me as a straight-up bribe

and sleep the sweet sleep of an addled, jet-lagged mind.

♪♪

-Donald. Doooonaaald. [ Metallic clinking ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Who's that? Who's in here?

-Don't worry, Donald.

It's me -- your best friend, Jeffrey Epstein.

[ Laughter and applause ]

-Jeffrey?! But I-I thought you were dead.

-I am, remember?

I killed myself -- wink!

[ Laughter ]

So, how you doing, Donny Baby?

-Not so good, Jeffie.

My approval rating's in the 30s.

-Oh, the 30s? Gross.

Call me when it hits 17.

[ Laughter ]

-Dark. Very dark. It's a dark situation.

So, what are you up to these days, Jeff?

How's Heaven?

-It's really, really hot.

[ Laughter ]

But you know me -- I keep busy.

Mahjong every Wednesday with Stalin and John Wayne Gacy.

[ Laughter ]

That guy has stories. What else?

Oh, I just wrote for the Kevin Hart roast.

Had some fun zingers in there.

What about you, Donny Baby? Any fun summer plans?

-Well, you know, we've got the World Cup,

a UFC fight on my lawn like I'm white trash on WorldStar,

and we're also doing the Patriot Games,

where high-school athletes come from all over the country.

-Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

[ Laughter ]

-Give me some. -You know what?

This time, I'm gonna leave you hanging.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Audience ohhs ]

-Wow. -Wow.

-Wonderful. -Wow. Yeah.

-Tremendous.

-Man, we had some fun times together, didn't we, Donny?

-Yeah.

-We should have taken more pictures.

-[ Laughs ] No, it's really bad that we took any.

-Damn it. I miss you, homie.

In case you're curious, like all ghosts,

I have the power to show you visions of the future.

-Wow! I'm surprised there is one.

[ Laughter ]

-First, let me show you

to where Kristi Noem is at in six months.

-My fellow Americans,

I know exactly what we need to transform this country.

-Oh, good. She's back in politics.

-Not exactly.

-It's the Shark Wand Vacuum Cleaner.

And for only $129.99, it's the best way

to clean up that mess your dog made...

besides a gun.

And it can even handle balloon scraps left over

from when your husband's giant balloon breasts pop.

-Oh, wow, I completely forgot

about her husband's "balloobies" thing.

-Yeah. Hey, that's a credit to you, buddy.

Your administration's so crazy,

secret balloon tatas were only a one-day story.

-[ Chuckles ] That's actually worrisome.

You know what else about -- What about Pete Hegseth?

-Oh, let me show you Pete six months from now.

[ Liquid pouring ]

-Well...

I guess that's the last of it.

-Wow! He gave up drinking.

-Oh, no, he's not pouring it down the sink.

That's a giant beer bong.

-[ Laughs ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah.

Whoo! -[ Spitting ]

-Yeah, baby! Come on! -Whoo!

Welcome back

to "The KaaaaashCast with Kash and Pete."

Shoutout to our sponsor, my own personal line of cologne --

Incompetence for Men.

[ Laughter ]

Every bottle is full of my forehead sweat

from my many Senate grillings.

A smell so strong, it'll cross your eyes.

[ Laughter ]

-And I've got an ad to read, too, so listen up, buttwads!

You want people to think you're drinking water,

but you're actually getting wasted?

Then reach for Poland Sprung.

It's the first ever hard water.

So when everyone around you tells you to stop,

that's when you know you gots to get Sprung.

[ Laughter ]

-Well, if Pete's podcasting,

I guess that means that the war in Iran is over.

-Yep. We came in second.

[ Laughter ]

But, Donny, just remember --

no -- no matter how many wars you start

or how -- how bad you tank the economy as a distraction,

people will always associate you with me.

And that, my dear close friend, that is a beautiful thing.

-Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

♪♪

-♪ Cause, darlin', when the morning comes ♪

-Oh!

-♪ And I see the morning sun ♪

♪ I wanna be the one with you ♪

-♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ We can make it if we try ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

[ Falsetto ] ♪ Just the two of us ♪

[ Normal voices ] ♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ Building big castles way up high ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ You and I ♪

And live from New York, it's "Saturday Night"!