Original subtitles

This organisation is not financially viable.

(ROBOTIC VOICE) How much does that cost? I'm a corporate robot.

Is that my suit?!

Did you get the email I sent you about the Pulse54 program?

RYAN: This Scott guy, you know, he's like a cult leader, basically.

He's not a cult leader. He's a gymfluencer.

Mum reckons she's getting a big star.

It's Caitlen Allard.

What?! Can you believe that?!

(HISSES) Caitlen is her sister!

(TEARFULLY) You know, I could have sold out to Hollywood.

They don't get along very well. (LAUGHS) Even better!

Let's get her in here.

(SCREAMS) FU....!

(SIGHS) So what you want to do is imagine that the voice

is flowing from the top of the body,

down and then out through the anus.

(LAUGHS) What?

This is a legitimate voice and body exercise, alright?

Can you take it seriously, please? Sorry.

OK.

And then it's as if the voice is paint

and you are painting the back wall with your anus.

(INHALES DEEPLY) Oh!

Can you feel it in your sex?

Ooh, I love a pain au chocolat.

It reminds me of the time Papa took me to Paris, right, and we were...

Morning!

I'll tell you the rest of that later, OK?

Come find me.

OK, everyone got the agenda? Mm-hm.

Then we'll get started.

I have crunched the numbers and decided to move the peasant show

into the smaller theatre.

What? Do you mean Le Payson A Moitie Enterre?

Oui. Yeah. You've only sold 15% of tickets.

But people just buy them on the night.

Yeah, it's not the '90s.

Last time you felt anything.

OK, can we just keep the personal stuff out of it, just for once?

So what are you going to put on in the big theatre instead?

Oh, let me guess. Caitlen's Off-Broadway show.

Oh, someone's been talking.

Give him a couple of white wines, he'll sing like a canary.

No. That's not true.

Your sister Caitlen has 2 million online followers.

That is how you shift tickets.

But you don't have her yet, do you?

Of course she doesn't.

Hm, I'm following a few leads.

I mean, do you ever talk to her?

I mean, obviously, I've got her personal number,

but I'm not going to give you that.

Do you have it, though?

Yes, of course I've got it.

We talk all the time.

We were talking yesterday, remember, about, um...

Sure. Yeah.

..that...some character notes for a play...film

that she's doing in... Slovakia, weirdly.

Mm. Yeah?

Yeah. Mm.

Wow.

No. Well, OK, why don't we just call her?

Let's call her! Sure.

Yeah. Margie, you don't have to.

No, no. Call her, call her, call her. You don't have to.

She loves to hear from me.

Call her. Please don't.

Hey, Caitlen. It's Margs.

Um, hey, I was thinking about that second scene.

What's his love language there?

Because that might help you to sort of, like, get into the...

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, sorry, Caitlen, I've got call waiting.

Just a moment.

Margie Argyle, Argyle Theatre.

Hi, Margie. It's Julia.

Hi, Jul... Julia, why are you calling me

while I'm on the phone to Caitlen?

'Cause I don't think you're on the phone to Caitlen.

Yes, I am.

Um, so, Caitlen... Still me.

..Slovakia. Is that...

Is that hot at this time? Let me take that.

Get off the phone. Bye, Caitlen. Bye! Bye!

She's gone.

So...

That was uncomfortable, wasn't it?

Mm.

How is Caitlen?

Ryan, you're young. How do I get online followers like this?

Like, look at Caitlen.

Content. Like what?

Anything. Songs, stories, photos, videos.

Yeah.

I mean, look at this.

(SINGING) Whoa.

Caitlen can sing. Yeah.

And look at that - 30,000 likes.

Yeah. I can sing.

I think it was always hard for Caitlen growing up

because we were both triple threats.

But then I had the looks as well,

so I was like a quadruple threat.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Mm. It must have been really rough for her.

Yeah. Yeah.

Pulse54, what's happening today?

Oh, someone's online.

I do it?

Just do it. Just do it.

(RINGS)

Oh. Shit.

Hi. This is Scott from Pulse54.

Oh, uh, hi, Scott.

It's Julia McNamara from your gym.

Oh, Julia. Hello.

Yeah, you're one of my top ten clients.

Wow. Top ten. OK, well, you're in my number one of trainers.

Sorry, I have to go. I'll call you... call you back, Scott. Bye.

Do you have the Wi-Fi password?

Uh...Shakespeare88.

Ah, thanks.

Excuse me. Who are you?

Julian Assange.

Coming to morning warm-up, J-Mac?

(SIGHS) Uh, yes, OK.

But...my anus is staying shut.

Uh...yeah. Absolutely. Mm.

You know, your body, your rules.

MARGIE: Alright, we are finally here.

The Assange Story opens this week. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I know!

Yes, it's a powerful one-man play

about exposing the truth at all costs.

Sorry, didn't Julian Assange break the law?

Um, some laws are meant to be broken.

Here we go. Lefties preaching to lefties yet again.

Oh, my gosh, Mum. So embarrassing.

Gary's going to be in the building until we open,

and he just wants to say a few words about his process.

Thank you, Gary.

I will be going full method for this role.

OK? So I'd appreciate if you would call me Julian Assange.

Or Mendax, for the trainspotters.

His dedication to the craft is extraordinary.

Mm. He did a computer science course

at TAFE for this. ..authenticity.

That means I'll be in character at all times, both on stage and off.

Yeah. Alright? I wear his clothes.

I carry his laptop. Mm-hm.

I feel his pain. Yeah.

If I seem a little angry,

or sad,

it's only because I am in exile in my heart.

Maybe we should lock Julian in the cupboard and call it Ecuador.

(SHE LAUGHS) (OTHERS GROAN)

Oh! Jeez.

Right. I have tracked down the number

for the assistant to Caitlen's LA agent's assistant.

Major breakthrough, Jmac.

Let's call America.

OK.

(PHONE DIALS)

WOMAN ON PHONE: Hello?

Hello. Julia McNamara calling,

CEO of the Argyle Theatre in Melbourne, Australia.

(CALL HANGS UP)

Oh, that's rude. They need a tariff on manners

over there.

What...what does that mean?

Because of rude and American.

Right. Sorry. Why does no one in this place have Caitlen's number?

Didn't she used to do plays here?

Isn't she supposedly Margie's sister?

Yeah. I can't work out what's going on

with this dysfunctional family.

Do you need someone to explain the family dynamic to you?

Could you? Yes, I can.

I'm going to need a whiteboard.

Give me a minute. You could have just told me.

And...

..there you go. You're all signed up.

Oh, yeah. Great.

So anyone could just sign up to as many accounts as they wanted to?

Like, you could just...

Anyone could just go, "Oh, there we go. Another one"?

If you have an email address,

yeah, you could make thousands.

And this is the Argyle's page here?

Yeah. 140 followers.

Ooh. Wow. That is fantastic.

It's really shit. Is it?

Yeah. Yeah.

But wait till I get on there, though.

It'll go through the roof.

Mm.

So Harmony is Jeremy's third wife.

Mm-hm. Also Caitlen's mother.

You got it. This relationship. Mm-hm...

..ended his relationship with Margie's mother.

Or it was the other way around. He was a bit of a pants man.

Who's this? Oh, that's wifey number one.

That was only two years. Two... How are their four children?

Glad you asked.

These three were steps with her previous marriage.

Should I get another board? Mm.

That's not a Barbara step. That's Margie's half brother with Jennifer.

Oh, my God, you're right. How does that work?

Here.

I can see a pattern emerging. Gary?

No. Julian.

Keep at it.

Hello, Jane.

Phil, welcome.

(BELL RINGS) Hello?

Hello, Lloyd.

MAN: Hello?

Hello?

(DINGS BELL MULTIPLE TIMES)

(SHE SCOWLS)

Where is everyone?

Alright, so, in summation, Harmony is Caitlen's mum.

Caitlen was born in Paris.

Margy's mum is Jennifer.

Jeremy left Jennifer for Harmony.

That should clear everything up.

There was one in Barcelona. No, there wasn't Donna.

No one's got a good word to say about Harmony.

She left her wine in my wig room once,

and I'm like, "Get your filthy chardonnay away from Lady Macbeth".

Yeah, OK. Can we focus on Caitlen, please?

Is she married?

Have you ever read a magazine.

Business Review Weekly? Yeah. Every month.

There have been eight reported proposals to Caitlen.

But they're all wasting her time.

She's married to her job. Very relatable. Right?

Mm.

What?

(BELL RINGS)

Yes? Can I help you?

Caitlen Allard, eh?

Sign here.

That signature might be worth something ome day.

You know she could sing?

(SHOUTS) Oh, why is everyone obsessed with her?!

Well, if we're listing dalliances, I suppose, you know,

couldn't hurt to...

..add one special night up onto the board.

No biggie. Just...

Get over it! Really? Christian?

We all know, Christian.

Oh, don't forget Caitlen dated Hot Props back in their 20s.

Oh, my God!

That's right. Hang on. Who's Hot Props?

Have you not been down to sets and props yet?

Why would I go there? Make sure you set aside a few hours.

Boring. Sorry.

There's someone still working here, who dated Caitlen,

called Hot Props?

MARGIE: (IN DISTANCE) Anyone can go to Hollywood, anyone!

What is going on out there? Have you been to drama school?!

I don't care.

(DISTANT SHOUTING CONTINUES)

I'm going to go find Hot Props, see if he's got Caitlen's number.

Oh, no, no, Julia, don't call him "Hot..."

Oh! (TEARFULLY) You know, everyone thinks

she's perfect, but it was MY Cabbage Patch doll, you know,

and she just took it!

Caitlen, you just took it,

you know?

And then she starts gaslighting me about it!

And of course, Papa takes her side!

Always takes her side!

But it was MY name on the birth certificate, you know?!

D-yeah, I know.

And why am I signing for couriers, Christian?!

Sorry about that. I'll be cleaning the toilets next!

You'd all love that, wouldn't you?!

Oh, no. Scrubbing away?!

No, no, no. Yeah, you will, you'd all love that!

No scrubbing, no scrubbing.

Nobody... No scrubbing.

(SHE SCREAMS) (SOFTLY) Sorry about that.

You alright? You'd never catch Caitlen doing that.

No way. Absolutely not.

Hey, can I offer you two free tickets

to a fantastic show we have coming up

of La Paysanne a Moitie Enterre?

Nah. No.

Hello?

Ah! Hot Props.

What? What did you call me?

Uh...

..they said your name was H-Hot Props.

Who's been calling me that?

No one!

No!

I...misspoke.

They said, "The guy down there makes hot props".

Well, my name is Pete, and I'm part of the team.

Yes, you are, Pete. You're a huge part of the team.

That's why I'm here to introduce myself.

Julia McNamara, new CEO of the Argyle Theatre.

Quick question - did you ever date Caitlen Allard?

You're not in trouble. It's not an HR issue.

No, I did, I did. You did?

I did. I actually just started working here when I met her.

Had you? Yeah.

Interesting. Where was I working before that?

I...don't know... Oh! (HE CHUCKLES)

I was selling paintballing in a supermarket.

Were you? OK.

Not paintballing in the middle of supermarkets.

I was selling paintballing in the middle of supermarkets.

Right. OK. Wait. Hang on.

I just said the same thing again.

I was in the supermarket, selling paintballing.

Selling paintballing... Yeah.

..somewhere else. Yeah.

So a little bit like a voucher. Ah! Yes. I get that.

Yeah. And are you still in touch?

Nope. They shut down.

With Caitlen Allard. Oh, yeah. Right.

I might have her phone number. That would be wonderful.

Let's have a look for that.

(SOFTLY) What's in that file? Just work, I think.

At the end of the day,

it's the government lying to the people.

Yeah. I'll give you an example.

Gary has 38 outstanding parking fines.

Uh, sorry. Who's Gary?

W-well, that's me when I'm not being Julian.

Oh, sorry. Yeah. No. Yeah, yeah. But that's really the state

controlling his freedom of movement,

and who really benefits from the revenue raised by fines?

Big business? Yeah. Now you're getting it.

Yeah. Right. There you are. There you are.

I need your help to go viral. Come on. Follow me.

(SOFTLY) Be careful.

It's the internet!

This is her. That's my collie cross.

Do you like dogs? Um...

..yeah. Sure. Of course you do. Who doesn't?

She's about to jump off.

Quite a long video. Shall we go to the end?

No, no, no. Just feel like if we just went...

Oh!

Just made it go back into Photos.

Maybe check in Contacts for it?

(HE LAUGHS) For my dog?!

For Caitlen Allard

that you used to date. (HE CHUCKLES)

I'm so sorry. That's right.

I think Contacts...

Contacts. Thank you.

No, I don't have it.

Ah. I don't have it.

New phone. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe, I don't know.

It might be a problem with the cloud.

I'm just saying,

it's lucky he's hot,

because I have never met anyone so boring, and I worked in a bank.

Really? Boring?

I mean, I won't deny he's a smokeshow,

but you didn't call him Hot Props to his face, did you?

Yes, I did. Thank you for the warning on that.

(HE SIGHS) (PHONE RINGS)

What's this?

God, we're getting a lot of activity on the socials today.

Really? What's going on?

A lot of people are very interested in Margie playing the lead role

in...

Actually, let's not bother reading those.

It's all brain rot online, isn't it? It's all nonsense.

(HE SCOFFS) What?

I wouldn't even b... I wouldn't even... Don't...

I can't believe you called Hot Props Hot Props to his face.

You're crazy! What are you like? Do you touch my phone like that.

What are you...?

What are you...? (PHONE BANGS)

Wow! Oh!

That's a game we play. It's called Phone Frisbee,

and it's normal that I did that.

Oh, I see.

These are about me.

"New CEO looks like a neo-liberal wet dream,

"featuring Margaret Court".

Oh, ah, pff...

Banktard?

You can't say that. What is a...?

You can't say that any more.

"The lost Kransky sister".

"Garth from Wayne's World"? Classic movie.

Schwing!

Sorry. You need to find out who's posting

these comments. Yeah, I will, I will.

Just, I don't know, call Instagram.

OK, so when I do a thumbs up, it means we're live.

Live. On what?

Just socials. Everything.

Like, everywhere? Yeah. People can just join.

We're just live, so people can join. Oh, right, yes.

Yeah, a podcast. Yeah.

OK, then let's do it.

So... Mm-hm.

Thumbs up. Yeah. So that means we're live.

Oh! So they've seen that.

Here we go!

4, 3, 2, 1.

Not needed. It's already rolling.

We've been live for 15 seconds.

Hi! I'm, I'm Margie Argyle,

and I'm the artistic director here at the Argyle Theatre.

But I'm also a storyteller.

Y'know? I'm a truth custodian.

I'm a disrupter. I'm a feminist. I'm a witch.

I'm a woman. Yeah.

OK, let's go and see what the Argyle team is up to!

Let's go. Ooh.

Is that close? Nah. You're good.

Let's continue our tour.

We are in the creative heart of the building here.

Who's feeling it today? Whoa. Energy is up in here.

If anyone feels like they just want to get up and...

do a 30-second dance party.

You know, I just say to people in this space,

you know, like, if you've got an idea,

just go with it, you know? Follow the creative flow.

(SHE SINGS) # Hey, hey! #

Whoa!

# Hey! #

# Hey, hey, hey. #

(OTHERS JOIN IN HALF-HEARTEDLY)

# Hey

# Hey! #

Oh, OK.

Little dance party, uh? # Hey, ey, ey... #

Hey, it's Julie McNamara, our new CEO.

Hello. (BLUESILY) # Hey, hey, hey. #

Hey, hey. Come on!

Why don't you go here? # Hey... # Go here.

# Hey... # Hey...

And I'll come in... # He-e-e!

# Hey... # Hey...

# Hee... No, I don't want to do that.

Yep. Really good for your fun loving reputation, Mum.

Ruined. Well, speaking of that,

who has been posting about me on the Argyle socials account?

Was it you, Ryan?

What? Me?! No! I just helped Margie get online,

that's all. Well, Christian will be

looking into it, and we will find the troll.

Don't know how to find trolls, but, yeah, add that to my list.

Everybody is under scrutiny. Don't film me.

No, put it up, 'cause you can't stop me putting stuff online.

I think that's something we can all learn from the Assange story

this week, that everyone should go online and make content,

and authorities can't come in

and control the...internet

for...who wants to go on there.

That's exactly right.

Come on, Ryan, let's go.

Let's go see... # Wigs and wardrobe. Hey! #

(HE BEATBOXES) No, no.

Me. This.

# Hey, ey, ey, eh, wigs and wardrobe... #

(KEYBOARD CLACKS)

Hello. (SOFTLY) Hi, Gary.

Julian. Yeah, sorry, Julian.

(SOFTLY) Hey,

do you ever get the feeling you're being watched?

No.

Not really.

Anyway,

someone in this office is not being honest,

and I've been given the responsibility

to find out who it is.

So tell me, Gary... Julian.

Yeah. Sorry.

Do you know anything about hacking?

OK, so... So we're going like this...

Yeah. ..and then we throw it up.

OK. Wrong arm.

Mm-hm. Throw it up again.

Up! That was the same arm. Mm-hm.

OK. Uh, I actually wanted to ask you something.

You weren't the one trolling Mum, right?

No! Of course not.

'Cause I know she's annoying,

but she's not, like, a bad person or anything.

Well, I guess the truth always comes out online, doesn't it?

Come on, let's record this.

Let's go. Let's go viral. We've got this.

Yeah. We do. (PHONE BEEPS)

Yeah. Remember??

Let's go. Alright.

Up!

Nice. OK.

Shall we go from the top?

Oh, you're still going to go? OK.

Sorry, what are you doing at my computer?

Just a bit of classified work. Classified work? Why? About what?

Oh, come on, Gary. Julian!

You can tell me. We've known each other for years.

Remember that night in Adelaide?

Gary's never been to Adelaide.

Oh, that's right, 'cause Gary was married back then, wasn't he?

Look, all I'll say is somebody's going to be exposed.

I've got what I need.

How did you know my password?

It was "Password".

Yeah. It's "Password".

I've got to change that.

I'll change it to "Margie".

Alright. So I've called this snap meeting

because there's been a dramatic increase of online activity

on the Argyle socials.

Ordinarily, that would be a good thing,

but it's actually raised quite a lot of suspicions,

'cause we, we don't normally get any activity there.

So I'm going to hand over to Gary now.

ALL: Julian.

Julian! For the 11th time.

Well, the alarm bells were first raised when I found these posts,

under this image

of Margie, in the lead role of the peasant.

Let's take a look.

"Margie Argyle?! I've been a long time fan

"and finally, it's her,

"not Caitlen". Wow!

(SOFTLY) That's nice.

"OMG, can't wait for this!

"Margie Argyle is a quadruple threat".

Spot on.

Thanks!

"Margie Argyle? She's an artistic genius!"

Oh, my God. Oh, no, Margie.

And finally,

"Big Name Brand..." No, not that one.

"Margie Argyle is a good singer.

"NOT Caitlen".

It quickly became clear that the posts were coming

from inside this very building,

and after some rudimentary hacking,

I am now able to reveal the identity of the person doing the post.

Oh, shut up, Gary! It's Julian,

and let the man speak. The truth must prevail, remember?

But what am I supposed to do?

You know, why should Caitlen get to come in here

and take everything away from me again?

I'm a big name, too!

Sweetheart.

OK. I think the board will agree that this is a fireable offence.

Maybe. But what's more alarming is the evidence of

hours and hours

of company time

being spent on a website called,

Pulse 54.

Oh, no, Mum... Huh? What is that?

Alright, shut up, Gary.

It's Julian. So embarrassing.

(PHONE BUZZES) No.

This is important information that needs to be exposed to the board

at all costs,

and you'll both be named in my report.

Oh, my God!

What have you guys done?!

I've got every conspiracy theory loon on the phone.

One of the videos you two made went viral.

Oh, that's good. Well done. That's great.

Yeah. Awesome.

The buzz is building for La Paysanne a Moitie Enterre.

It's great. It's not that.

Gary's in the background of the video,

and everyone in the comments

thinks Julian Assange is hiding out at the theatre.

Oh, Jesus. There's a bunch of media people

outside.

Oh. Show me the video.

Here. (HE CLEARS HIS THROAT)

Exhibit A. Oh!

Mm? Yeah.

Boom. Yeah. That's good.

Looks great, to me. Yeah. Thank you.

"Hashtag this is what a feminist does?"

Sorry. What's this got to do with feminism?

Oh, I'm moving my body, and I look hot,

and there's nothing any man could do about it.

There's a man right there in the video.

Yeah, I don't know. Oh.

There. Who's that? Oh, Jesus.

It's a good promo, though. Yeah.

No, it isn't. He just said conspiracy nuts are watching this.

What do we want? A theatre full of flat-Earthers?

Well, they deserve art, too. Oh, Margie, come on.

Well, just delete it!

Come on, Ryan, press delete. Let's all move on. Done.

You can't delete videos from the internet any more, Margie.

You've already been memed. You're a meme.

Well, thank you. I've got to keep him out of sight.

Julian! This way.

I didn't do the ones about your glasses, by the way.

I don't believe you. It wasn't me!

It's just actual feedback about your glasses.

Just take it on board, Mum.

You know, Gary's becoming a bit of a problem.

I think he actually thinks he's Assange.

He's lost the plot.

Do you know he has 38 outstanding parking fines?

Does he? Does he?

Wow. That's a lot.

Gee, it'd be terrible if someone called the police.

Yeah.

Would be terrible.

Look, I know this implicates both of you,

but I need to give this information to the board.

I mean, can't you see? Mm.

Even if it costs me everything. Mm.

Whatever you think is the right thing to do, you do it, Julian.

You've gotta do it. I mean, you just have to...

What the hell is this? Gary Strand?

No, it's Julian. BOTH: Oh, no!

I don't think so, mate. Look, you've got 38 outstanding parking fines,

OK? You mind coming with us, please, sir?

What? No! They're trying to silence me.

No, you've just got to stop parking on Gertrude Street, mate.

Oh, Gary... Hey! Gary!

Who called the police? Who was it?! BOTH: Oh, I don't know.

I don't know.

Somebody needs to leak that document to the board.

Yeah, I'll make sure Carmel gets that.

Deep state corruption. That's what this is.

Good luck locking ME up.

Do you want to pop that in the shredder, darling?

Thank you. Thank you.

So apparently he broke bail,

and now Gary's in Ballarat, hiding in his ex-wife's house.

He's worried if he comes back to Melbourne, they'll capture him.

Why doesn't he just download a parking app?

OK, gang. After the Gary news story,

we've finally sold enough tickets in the small theatre

to - wait for it -

break even! Oh, snap!

Yes! Tonight's already sold out. It's amazing.

Yeah, the show must go on.

I'm just glad all that social media stuff is behind us, you know?

I just feel like it promotes a distorted view of reality

and comparison culture.

I don't want anything more to do with it.

Oh, my gosh, Margie, our dancing video we did got 3 million likes.

Are you joking me?! No! Look at this!

Show me! Way more than Caitlen's ever got!

Show me.

Oh! Suck shit, bitch!

Sorry.

Hope she's seen it. Oh, Caitlen's seen it.

Everyone's seen it.

Caitlen's agent has even seen it.

How do I know? Just had her on the phone.

What? The theatre's got huge buzz now,

so Caitlen wants to talk about doing her show right here at the Argyle,

and that's all thanks to you, Margie. Well done.

Round of applause for Margie.

Come on. (APPLAUSE)

Artistic genius.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

Aren't you just a little bit curious about what my audition is?

Oh! The audition.

Everyone wants this role, you know?

I'm talking Nicole, Blanchett, everyone.

This is an anti-nepotism policy.

Oh, she's nepo. No, not nepo.

Sounds nepo. It's not nepo.

What are you doing? Security upgrade.

Margie, I'm locked in. Ow! Why is it hot?

Jesus. Oh, my God!

Christian, we're locked in! What's going on?

Margie and Julia are trapped in the prop cupboard.

I don't actually know where I am!

I don't know where I am! Donna!

Julia! Julia!

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation