Original subtitles

Nipple Aid - a charity football match.

Semi-professionals versus celebrities.

The celebrities include Cher, Prince Harry,

Liza Minelli, Elton John

and Stevie Wonder.

QUIETLY: They're lookalikes.

Be there.

# When I grow up Imma be a supermodel... #

This programme contains strong language

Ooh, I love the ripe stench of a football ground.

Sniff it in. Mmm!

Smells a bit funky, Mam. Oh, beautiful, isn't it?

Reminds me of my days managing in the big leagues.

Oh, God, I miss it.

You're managing a team today, though.

I know, chick, but managing celebrity lookalikes

in a charity match, it's hardly the Riverside Stadium.

Oh, dear.

# We're number one and we're the team

# The greatest thing you've ever seen. #

What the bloody hell have you two come as?

I'm glad you've asked, Mam, as it's a fascinating story.

So remember when we all went to Yarm Fair last year? Oh, yeah.

Well, me and Lucinda popped and got our fortunes read.

Yeah, and she told us both separately that we were going to

marry a footballer and become wags.

'Ere, was it Gypsy Rose Pam?

That's her. Oh, my God, yeah.

I love that bitch.

She actually told me the same thing.

Eee, no way!

I can't believe there's going to be three wags in our friendship group.

Have you maybe thought that she tells the same shit to everyone?

Gypsy Rose Pam wouldn't do that.

Anyway, as you know, we don't frequent football matches very much,

so there's a very good chance this is the day we meet

our footballer husbands.

Ooh! So we thought, best dress for the occasion.

Yeah, and this outfit is also very good for my

signature picking up lads move.

Oh, yeah? What move is that?

I'll show you.

You place a brick near the lad you fancy.

And then ...

Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ouchie!

Who put that brick there?

And then the lad'll help you up,

and it starts a conversation about the brick. Mm...

Oh! Stewart's here!

Hiya. You all right?

Oh, he's looking a bit better than usual.

Has he had a bit of Botox?

Argh!

What's with the stomach-churning costume, Stew?

Well, I'm Ozzy the Octopus!

Ho-ho-ho-ho! He's the mascot for the charity match.

I pulled a few strings to get him in.

It's something I've always wanted to do.

I'm proper buzzing!

WHISTLING

Now then, Mam.

Ooh, Owen, chick! Mwah, mwah!

# Baby, it's true

# You're the one that I've been here waiting for

# Cos you know it... #

So good to see you. Oh, you, too. Am I going to see you

in the players' lounge later, yeah?

Absolutely, chick.

Class. In a bit. Yeah, in a bit.

Watch that brick, will you?

Um, who was that, Mam?

That was Owen Shenington.

Oh, he's a very talented player.

Very sturdy thighs.

Adam's apple out to here.

He's playing for the semi-pros today.

Gypsy Rose Pam was right.

It was love at first sight.

Dickie Shenington.

Eee, it's got a ring to it!

Um, this is a bit awkward, hon, but I think that one was for me.

What? Um ...

Sorry, I think you're mistaken, Lucinda.

He was very much looking at me.

Want to bet?

Yeah, I do, actually.

Tenner says he's the love of my life.

Make it 20. Make it 50, bitch. Deal! Deal!

Hola, Mam. Hola, Pablo!

THEY SPEAK SPANISH:

Er, Mam?

Who was that?

Pablo Corzello.

Lovely Spanish fella. Very good in defence.

What are yous all staring at?

I don't know how to tell you this, babe,

but you and Pablo Corzello are the spit of each other.

Eee, now you come to mention it, there is a bit of a similarity.

A bit?!

Haway, then. Let's go to the players' lounge.

Your mother needs a sherry.

Yay! Yay!

Oh, me brick.

All right, Mam?

Hiya, chick. How are you getting on? Are you still with Kelly?

She dumped me. Oh, fuck her. It's her loss.

Sorry, hon. We're just with her.

Only people involved in the charity match are allowed

in the lounge today.

Oh, er, we are involved in the charity match.

Oh, apologies.

So how is it exactly that you're involved?

Um... Well, er, I'm actually the spouse of one of the players.

You probably know him.

Er, Owen Shenington.

I'm... I'm Dickie Shenington.

Oh, aye? So what position does he play?

Come again? Well, if you know Owen so well you'll be able to tell me

what position he is.

Yeah. Um...

Versatile?

Lads, I don't think we're getting in here.

Let's just go to the bar in the stands.

I'm gagging for a bev.

I'm not missing my chance to become Teesside's number one wag, hon.

You do you, babe.

SOUTHERN ENGLISH ACCENT: Listen, I get that you don't want to

let scum like that in,

but I'm a classy girl.

I recently got back from...

..Balmoral.

Not today, love.

Haway, dickhead.

Welcome, charity match fans.

My name's Jeff Stelling.

I'm here with the incomparable Chris Kamara

and the unsurpassable Steph McGovern.

We're down here live at pitch-side for this year's charity game

in support of Nipple Aid.

That's right. Your donations will help people

across the globe who are born

with extra nipples.

A charity close to my heart - literally.

I have a third nipple just here.

Kammy, how many nipples have you got?

Just the one, Jeff!

Nipple Aid - not everyone has two.

Ooh, hiya, chick.

Where are you all at? There is a lovely spread on in 'ere.

Mam! This jobsworth on the door isn't letting us into the lounge.

Is Owen in there?

Er... He is, chick.

Can you just tell him from me that

I miss him, and that we'll be together soon.

Oh, the quality of these sarnies.

It's better than frigging Marksie's.

You what?

Hello? Oh!

Mam? Oh!

Well? What did she say?

Summat about sandwiches.

But I'm sure that when word reaches Owen that the love of his life is

stuck in the corridor he'll come straight out.

Do you really think I'm the love of his life?

I was talking about me, Lucinda!

God, you're really getting on my tits today.

Yeah, well, you're really getting on my tits.

Ozzy, lad. How are you doing? Get yourself in there.

Look! He's just let Stewart in!

Oi, it's Ozzy! Hey-hey!

We need to somehow get that octopus costume.

That's the only way we're going to get in this pigging lounge with

that shit-rag bouncer.

Yeah, but how are we going to get the costume? Stewart's wearing it.

Follow me.

Sal!

Oh, hiya, Mel, babe.

Didn't expect to see you here.

Oh, I never miss a charity match, me.

Do you mind if I join? Yeah, of course.

You're looking amazing, Sal.

You're, like, proper glowing. Have you got a new skincare routine?

Nowt different than my usual soap, water and margarine.

I do feel different, though, to be honest.

Kind of like a weight's been lifted.

Oh, that's good.

Is there any reason?

Yeah, actually.

I broke up with Danni. Oh.

Oh...

I've never done this before,

but would you maybe like to...?

I don't know, go out for a drink some time?

Babe, you were so right to bring me to this place.

What a shithole!

I'm going to be able to get so much content.

Oh, it's you.

Sorry, I forgot to mention, Arabella's here.

Room for a little one? Mmm!

You know, now that we've starting seeing each other now,

I think that I'm going to start saying that I'm working class.

It's probably going to get me more work. Am I right?

Oh! "I have limited opportunities!"

SHE GIGGLES

Do you know, now you lot have said about Lucinda

and Pablo Corzello looking like each other, I can't un-see it.

Elton John, Liza Minelli, she'll shoot off down the wing

without the ball...

It's proper uncanny, isn't it? Oh.

Cress mayonnaise. Oh!

KNOCKING

Huh?

THEY MOUTH

What?

THEY MOUTH

Emergency?

Quickly!

Why the hell weren't you answering your phone, Stewart?

I'm working, Lucinda.

It's in my locker.

What's the emergency?

We've got something really important to tell you. Oh!

What is it?

Not here.

Tell me what's going on. You're scaring me.

We need your octopus outfit, hon.

But why? I'm Ozzy the Octopus.

It's the only way we can get into the players' lounge.

Why do you need to go to the players' lounge?

My future husband is in there. No, my future husband is in there!

Eh! Stop it! Right, come on.

Come on, Stewart! No! It's best if you don't struggle.

Come on! Stop it! You two have lost the plot!

Give it back! Dickie, that's my head!

It's mine!

Well, if you've never watched a charity match before, I suppose

we'd better explain a little about what you can expect today.

Steph? Yeah, it's dead simple, Jeff.

It's basically semi-professional footballers

versus celebrity lookalikes, and they have a big old game of footy.

Kammy, are you excited about today's game?

No, not really.

Eee, hello, Sir Elton John.

How's your husband, David Furnish?

Ah, no, it's actually me.

It's Neil!

Eee, I would never have known.

Well, I did hear on the grapevine that you're managing

us lookalikes today, Mam. I am indeed.

I didn't know you impersonated Sir Elton.

I mainly do the earlier hits.

# I'm Elton John, I'm Elton John

# And I think I'm going to eat a scone. # Mmm!

You're such a selfish prick!

Oi! Get off.

Dickie, give me my costume back.

I was really looking forward to being the mascot today.

Oh, keep your hair on, Stewart.

I'll get it back to you before the match starts.

Don't believe you.

Give it back! Stewart, get off me!

Dickie, no! Back in a tick, Stewart.

Dickie! Time to get my man. Dickie!

CHUCKLING

Dickie Shenington, here I come!

Fucking hell.

KNOCKING

Dickie? Hello?

I'm a size six. I know, I'm a bit of a minx.

Ooh. Stupid tentacle!

How are you getting on, Stewart?

My, you've grown.

'Ere, you've got to try these sarnies.

Oh!

Ooh. There he is!

Mam, I was just wondering, is Lucinda here?

She's here somewhere, aye.

Well, I might see if I can find her.

See if she'll hear me out.

Don't be too long, Neil.

I've got to give all you weird celebrity lookalikes

a pep talk before the game starts.

Listen, that is not Elton John.

He's just an oddly passive man.

Hiya, Owen!

Oh, pork pie! Mmm!

Mmm!

OK.

Ah! Oh!

Ouchie!

Sake.

Excuse me? I need your football kit.

Yeah, piss off, you paedo.

I'm not a paedo. Then why do you want me to take my clothes off?

It's hard to explain, but basically it's a beautiful,

romantic story, involving prophecy, destiny,

and, above all, love.

Yeah, see you later, you paedo. I'll give you 50 quid.

Yeah, go on, then.

Here you go. Thank you.

What the actual fuck? That is not Merlot.

That's all they had, babe. No, sorry. Impossible.

Excuse me.

Sorry about her.

So, you two are a proper...?

Yeah.

It all happened quite quickly.

Well, I'm really happy for you.

I can't believe it, you were right.

Honestly, fuck this place.

And you know the worst thing?

They didn't even have any olives.

I mean, like, what kind of dystopian nightmare are these people

living in round here?

Right, Deliveroo.

Olives, olives, olives...

Time to get my man!

Can you believe, Owen, that some people

don't know what the offside rule is? I know what it is.

It's my favourite rule, actually.

Oh!

Ouchie!

Pablo, man, what are you doing? You all right?

Fuck's sake! Thanks.

I know it's you, Lucinda!

Stop trying to steal my moves!

And stop trying to steal my man, you home-wrecking harlot!

Yeah, well, it's not stealing when he already belongs to me! Grr!

Grr! Right, semi-pros!

Let's get you all down to the changing room for a pre-match

chat, please.

Come on, Pablo.

And I think you'd better be getting down to the pitch, mate.

All the kids'll want to see Ozzy the Octopus.

Shit! Haway, Pablo.

Fuck's sake! Ah! Fucking hell.

May the best Mam win. Go on.

Kiss it.

Boop! Break a leg, lads.

KNOCKING

Hello? Let me out!

MAN CHANTS: Steph McGovern! Steph McGovern!

You can really feel the excitement as we edge closer to kick off here.

Have you got a prediction of the result, Steph?

Yeah, I think the celebrities might do well here, you know,

because I've seen Cher play at a charity match in Swansea.

She's got a fantastic aim, so don't write them off.

And, Kammy, have you got a prediction?

I think AI will take over the planet

and DESTROY THE HUMAN RACE!

PHONE: This car park is too full.

This car park is too full.

DUOLINGO JINGLE

Lucinda!

We need to hash this out once and for all.

Come 'ere!

Lucinda!

Stay there!

No! No!

Why are you still in here, Stewart?

You locked me in here.

And give me back my costume.

You know, you've really got a nerve, Lucinda!

I can't hear what you're saying with this thing on my head.

You sound Spanish, for fuck's sake.

Yeah, I don't think this is Lucinda, Dickie.

I don't even know what language you're speaking, Stewart.

Hey! No!

Stop!

Time for me to get my wag on.

Hey! Not again!

Hola.

Are we all clear on the strategy?

Well, let's get out there

and take down those fake celebrity wankers

and get the win!

Yeah! Yeah!

So, are you doing anything after this?

Listen, Pablo, I think you've got the wrong idea, you know, mate.

I'm cool with everyone being who they want to be and all that,

but I'm not actually gay, mate.

No, wait, I think you've got the wrong idea.

This isn't... Right, lads. Time to go.

Bring it in. Bring it in!

Come on! Are you ready? One, two, three. Yeah! Yeah!

Help! Hola?

PABLO SPEAKS SPANISH

The car park is too full! The car park is too full! We're in here!

Please! Please! Hello!

Ah, finally.

Thank you, Sir Elton John.

Where the hell is Dickie with my costume?

Lucinda. Wow, you've really gone all out for this match.

Look, I know that sorry is a proper hard word,

but I am truly sorry.

But, Lucinda... Lucinda, please don't be like that!

How did you get out of the cupboard? What are you on about?

Never mind. Listen, where's Owen?

I just need to have a quick word with him to confess my undying love.

He's about to go onto the pitch, Dickie,

and I'm sorry to tell you this, hon, but he's not gay.

Oh! Wow.

What a homophobic thing to say.

Now, I know you're all worried about the semi-professionals,

and it doesn't surprise me.

They've got the talent. They've got the physical strength.

But what is it you've got that they haven't?

A slight resemblance to an A-list celebrity.

So forget about their ripped Adonis bodies

and their fast, athletic legs.

Get out there and crush 'em!

SINGING: Yeah!

Yes, Stevie Wonder?

Anybody know where our team captain Sir Elton John is?

Ooh?

I'm team captain Sir Elton John and I'm locked in a cupboard!

Please!

CHANTING: Nipple Aid! Nipple Aid!

Argh! Fucking hell, mate! What's the matter?

No, no, no, I'm sorry! I tried, but I...

This is absolutely not for me. Nipple Aid!

Excuse me.

Nipple Aid! Nipple Aid!

Nipple Aid! Nipple Aid!

Nipple Aid! Nipple Aid!

And another thing, I know it was you who took my Dairylea Dunkers.

Grr! Don't walk away from me, Lucinda.

Let's discuss this like adults.

I am not having this conversation

while you're dressed as Ozzy the fucking Octopus!

Hey, Kammy, that Cher, I wish I'd had the name

and address of her plastic surgeon.

Unbelievable, Jeff!

And I tell you what I'm looking forward to -

Owen Shenington on the pitch.

There's a lot of talent in that lad.

You've always done this to me.

What are you even on about? Tried stealing the lads I like!

Are you actually joking me?

When have I ever stolen a lad from you?

Er, Ryan Jones. Oh, come off it.

You weren't ever serious with Ryan.

And anyway, he was the one who asked me for a blowie in H&M.

Grr!

What are you doing, you crazy bitch? That's my head!

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh!

Give it back, dickhead! No, no, over here, please.

Thank you, thank you.

Knobheads!

How the fuck has Steph McGovern got a commentating job here?

What does she know about football? The brown-nosing cow!

Do you know what? Why don't you put that finger

where the sun doesn't fucking shine?

Go on. Come out here. We'll talk about it out here.

Yeah? You're scared in your little box, aren't you?

Er, are you OK, Steph?

Just give us a minute, Kammy.

Give it back!

What? Have I got something on my face?

I know I shouldn't, and...

..this is probably the wrong time.

But...

MUFFLED: What were you saying, Mel?

Oi! Corzello!

You're about to go on the pitch, for Christ's sake! What?

In you get!

What have you got that for?

Bloody modern footballers.

Ladies and gentlemen, the players are in the tunnel.

Put your hands together

and make some noise and welcome our two teams onto the pitch.

Come on, semi-pros. Let's have you! Get out there!

Let's give it to 'em! Come on!

It's semi-pros versus celebrities

and back in the number 9 shirt today for the semi-pros

is Pablo Corzello. Pablo!

Go on, onto the pitch. That's it.

We're thrilled about what promises to be a fantastic charity

football match, all in support of an incredible cause.

Pablo Corzello's warming up.

I think he looks a bit unsure, you know.

I think he's slaying.

Let's make it a match to remember, and most importantly,

let's make a difference.

Stevie? Stevie, it's that way.

Oh, OK.

WHISTLE BLOWS

That's it, pass it. Oh, great pass. Well done.

And Corzello's called a time out?

That's not even a thing in football.

I love it! Go on, lad!

SQUEALING

Gentle. No, no hard tackles, come on.

Get me off, get me off, get me off!

Minelli! Liza Minelli, come on! Get in the game.

Should have got Streisand!

Liza Minelli's in great form today.

Yeah, you're not wrong, Jeff.

She's created some cracking moments there.

SHE WAS SPECTACULAR IN CABARET!

Liza! Liza!

Pass... Pass it to Cher!

What the hell was that? Oh, you moron!

She was open there.

You told me you were good!

Pass to Prince Harry.

Don't wave! Prince Harry? You look nothing like him!

You're just a lad with ginger hair! No, no!

No, no! Back pass!

WHISTLE BLOWS

You're bloody useless,

the lot of you! Useless.

Argh!

Hiya, chick. You all right, love?

Argh!

Stop throwing my head around, you fucking monsters!

Dickie! Give me my octopus costume back!

Owen! Owen!

Call me! What are you doing, man? Haway!

No. Owen, call me!

Dickie! Give me Ozzy!

MUTTERING

Pablo!

The game's that way!

Oh! Dickie! Dickie!

Eee, it looks like Ozzy the Octopus is on the pitch now.

I'm not talking to you! I'm not talking to you either!

And he's being chased by some tiny little gay fella.

Give me my octopus back!

Maybe I should go to Specsavers, guys,

because there appear to be two Pablo Corzellos on the pitch.

Impostor!

Is there? I must have missed that, Jeff.

What the hell are they doing?

Owen! Owen! Come back! Oi! Get off that pitch

before I frigging batter you!

Come 'ere! Are these all mates of yours?

Yeah. Well, what are they doing on there?

You leave 'em alone! I won't leave 'em alone!

Ah, you think you're hard, do you? Oh, you're a big boy, eh?

Right! Have some of this! Argh!

You like that? Ha-ha-ha!

Are your friends normally like this?

As a matter of fact, they are, yeah.

Owen! Owen! Owen!

I know, it's embarrassing, isn't it?

What are you apologising for? Ha!

It's class!

Owen! Owen! Owen! Owen! Owen!

Fuck my life. Owen! Owen!

You're the love of my life, Owen! Please!

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

PANTING

Um, what the actual fuck? I thought you were following me.

I've just been sat in the car for ages.

Shit. Sorry, babe.

The windows were literally up.

Ta-ra, Ozzy.

Fuck it.

Wait for me, lads!

Come on!

Either of you ever seen anything like this?

Only in the Boro, Jeff.

You don't have to be mad to live here,

but I'll tell you what, Jeff, it fucking helps!

# I'm Elton John, I'm Elton John

# And I think everyone has gone. #

# I people-watch on the way back home

# I people-watch on the way back home... #