Original subtitles

Goodbye, my friend.

All things must end.

Is that the way you mean to say

goodbye?

The things we had, were

they so bad?

I won't regret and won't forget

the way you smile,

the way you walk.

Please stay away.

Is all I'm asking for And if you feel you still

must go Then leave me with it

The

way you smile

The way I

feel Come here to me

I know you'll see

That breaking of me

Hold me

Right there.

Your favorite chair.

I'll close the door and we can talk again.

Once more.

Once more.

Case history number 2310.

Marion. Left home at 17.

after an incident with her stepfather, whom she claims insisted on tucking her

up every night, even though he knew that she liked to sleep in the nude.

Eventually, of course, the inevitable happened, and tucking turned into sexual

intercourse.

She first came to see me two months ago. Since the incident with her stepfather,

she's been unable to enjoy a normal sexual relationship.

On her previous visit, she's been morose and somewhat reluctant to discuss the

matter openly.

Today's appointment is for 3 .30 p .m.

You seem much more relaxed today, Marion.

I feel it.

In fact, I feel marvellous. Good.

Does that account for your clothes?

Oh, I hope you don't think... No, no, you look extremely attractive today.

In fact, you have a beautiful body.

Thank you.

And now, are you learning to use it?

To attract men, do you mean? Yes.

Does that thought excite you? Of course.

Well, I always used to do it with David.

Your stepfather?

Yes.

He took a great interest in my netball practice.

I was on the team and he was my coach.

He'd spend hours making me bounce around the courts.

To improve your game?

No, to watch my boobs bobbing. Oh, I see.

So did David eventually.

One day I didn't put on a bra and, well, as you can see, I'm fairly... Quiet?

Yes. Well, I always take a hot shower after practice and I ran into the shower

room. Took off my clothes and there was David already under it.

It was a terrible experience.

He attacked you?

No, he was having a cold shower.

We eventually warmed it up together, of course.

Oh, that sounds awful, doesn't it? Not at all.

The relationship developed from there? Yes, he became my tutor in many things.

When did your mother notice?

Not at first.

She still thought of me as a little schoolgirl.

And David was a loyal, loving husband.

Well, he never went out.

Well, he didn't need to, really. It was two women under one roof, did he?

When did she find out?

Well, David used to come to my room at night to help me with my homework.

Mum used to watch the telly downstairs, and this particular night we told her we

were doing geography.

Quite fitting, really.

Well, anyway, this particular night we were making more noise than usual,

Well, just as I came, David came.

Then Mum came, if you see what I mean.

Into the room?

Yes.

Well, David said that we finished the geography and moved on to biology.

She wasn't having it.

Well, it was an awful scene.

David ended up saying that I'd led him on.

And Mum telling me to leave home.

This had a severe effect on your sex life.

It had a severe effect on my whole life.

I had nowhere to live.

Yes, I realise that, but it made you sexually reticent.

Yes. I just couldn't get it together with anyone after that.

Why was that, do you think?

When you get thrown out of your own house for having sex there, it makes you

bit shy of having it anywhere, doesn't it?

Well, when I eventually found a flat and the landlord suggested a little

something in advance...

Well, I slapped his face. All he wanted was the rent.

But other men tried.

Oh, yes. I had lots of boyfriends.

Oh, we'd go out dancing or out to dinner.

The first couple of dates were okay, but eventually, of course, they expected me

to supply the dessert.

When it came to it, I just froze.

Well, it sounds a bit dramatic, doesn't it?

No, not at all.

Anyway, they all thought I was just a frigid tease and I lost them all.

You wanted sex without involvement?

Yes.

I had a dream.

Well, not a dream, really, since I used to think about it more during the day.

No, more of a fantasy, I suppose, that I would meet a man, a beautiful man,

and at that first meeting, without knowing anything about him and the

possibility of never meeting him again,

Having really great sex with him.

I can see from the look on your face, Marion, and from your mood today, that

this has happened.

Would you like to tell me about it?

Well, I answered an advertisement in the newspaper for a secretary to a company

director. My shorthand and typing speeds are very good, and so I was invited

along for an interview. Mr. Johnson was his name, and I went to see him last

Wednesday.

Miss Parsons? About the vacancy, sir. My replacement.

Oh, yes, of course.

Send her in.

Come in.

To say the least, he wasn't quite what I've been used to meeting at these

interviews.

I just stood there, speechless.

How do you do, Miss Parsons?

Hello. Do come in. Sit down. Let me take your coat.

Right,

well, I'll just jot down some particulars.

Yes, I soon realized that he had more in mind than how many words I could type

in a minute.

He asked me all the usual questions about qualifications and previous

but I could tell that he was thrown off balance by me.

You felt that you'd sexually aroused him?

I knew it.

He couldn't keep his eyes off me.

And you encouraged this?

Oh, yes.

Well, I did lean over the desk a little to point out a particular line in a

reference from a previous employer.

His face turned as red as beetroot. His hands started to tremble ever so

slightly while he was writing.

Were you attracted to him immediately?

Oh, absolutely.

He was lovely. His eyes were as brown as Omar Sharif's.

At what point did you realise you might live out your fantasy with this

particular man? When his tongue started to lick my nipples.

What? Oh, my little joke.

Please continue.

He decided to give me a shorthand test.

Well, I'd already thought how nice it would be to give him a lovely longhand

test. He gave you a shorthand test?

Yes. Now, Miss Parsons, it won't be difficult.

I, um...

Promise to go slowly for you.

If you could just take down whatever I say.

Of course.

Anything, Mr. Johnson.

Sir, further to your letter of the 12th Inc., this is to inform you that the

consignment of ball bearing has not yet arrived.

Full stop.

Complications will arise in the manufacturing process if we do not take

immediately.

Your contract is to provide...

Good balls.

Where was I?

You had just got to... Good balls.

Yes, to provide good balls by the 10th of this

month.

You have a good deal of duty to honour this contract.

Et cetera, et cetera. That'll do.

Now, if you could just type that up for me, please. Yes.

Oh, where do I find the paper?

Oh, it's in the bottom drawer.

Here, let me.

I've got some.

You certainly have.

Yes? Your wife on the line, sir.

Oh, uh, tell her I'm in an important meeting at the moment and can't be

disturbed. Her credentials must be good.

That's why I'm firing her.

Now, uh, how are we doing?

Oh, it's all right. I can move quite easily from there.

That was really the moment I knew when I felt his warm hand on my shoulder.

Were you nervous?

Oh, I was trembling.

Not from nerves, more excitement.

And the letter?

Oh, I'd made a complete ball for that, if you'll pardon the pun.

Instead of good deal of duty, I'd typed... God, I feel fruity.

I have no idea that my... Innocent typing error was going to have quite

dramatic effect on him.

He seemed to be lost for words for a moment, then started to undo all of my

work.

It became obvious that there were just a couple of points he wanted a closer

look at. Good deal of duty.

I felt that he was getting very excited by this and thought I ought to loosen

his tie before he got out of control.

He seemed that it wasn't just his tie that needed loosening. His shirt

disappeared as well.

Then he decided to show me his office and obviously thought I would appreciate

it more without my clothes on.

I didn't object. I thought it was all part of the interview.

Uh -uh. My turn.

Fair is fair.

If you intend to run a nudist camp, you must expect to dress like the guest.

I hope you've got a knife for that.

Then you put your finger on my health spot.

Do you want to pull them off?

What?

Do you want to pull them off?

Oh.

I'd better answer it. It might look odd if I don't.

It looks pretty odd when you do.

Yes? It's your wife again, sir. She says she must speak to you. I am sorry to

disturb you.

Okay, put her through.

Hello?

Oh, Moira.

Yes.

Well, I know I promised to ring you, but I've been extremely busy.

I've got a deal that I must sit on till it comes off.

Yes, all right, all right.

I have thought about it, and the answer is still no.

I don't care if your mother ties herself to the railings of Buckingham Palace.

She's not coming on holiday with us.

Hmm?

Moira, I must go.

Something's just come up.

Board meetings should be ready by then, sir, in order to catch the messenger.

Sir? What about it?

Would you like to give it to me now?

I'm getting it already. Oh, the memorandum. Yes, what was the subject?

A memo to all staff about making personal phone calls on the firm's time.

Yes, to all heads of departments. The habit of staff wasting company time on

personal matters such as phone calls must be discontinued.

The abuse of company time is appalling, and furthermore, it has... Furthermore,

it has come... Furthermore, it has come...

Furthermore, it has come...

It's come!

It's come!

You've reached a climax.

quickly, too.

Oh, it was incredibly exciting.

Because he was a good lover?

Oh, not just that.

It was the feeling that we might have been caught at any moment.

Of course. That would be an added stimulus, since your whole fantasy was

upon the idea of illicit sex in a chance meeting situation.

Oh, I don't think I like the word illicit.

Well, we can go into that further next time. Oh, by the way, did you take the

job? No.

No, of course not.

Well, that would have spoiled everything.

I don't want to work for a firm that won't let me make personal phone calls.

Do I?

Case history number 2420, Victoria.

Port of the Fourth Earl of Stockbridge.

Educated and exclusive public school for girls, followed by two years in a Swiss

finishing school.

The Society debutante had one of the last coming -out parties of any

significance. However, since coming out, she's done very little of it.

The former member of the so -called Jet Set, she spent most of her time being

taken round the world by some very eligible admirers. Or as she puts it,

viewing and screwing.

An interesting observation for a future counter.

She's now turned her back on that particular scene and has retreated to

father's country seat, spending all of her time at home.

Her father is concerned about her, and she refuses even to meet any of the men

that he has in mind for her as a potential husband.

He seems extremely anxious to marry her off to somebody with a great deal of

money.

Look for the file.

Check that Lord Stockbridge's account is fully paid up to date.

His appointment is at four o 'clock.

No, no, please, go right ahead.

Is it a help?

No, it's a hash.

Oh, I thought you was giving all that up.

See me? Of course I have.

Oh, this is just a good old cough -your -heart -up tobacco.

Honestly. Do you need it?

Well, one must have some pleasures in life.

But you could have, did have, all the pleasures that anyone could ask for. You

gave all those up.

Yes, I know, but that was different.

In what way?

Well, it was all so pointless.

Samaritz in the winter, Saint -Tropez in the summer, and St.

Albans in between.

St. Albans?

Oh, didn't Daddy tell you about St. Albans? I am surprised.

No, he didn't mention it, actually. Why don't you tell me about it?

Well, St. Albans is where you will find the country seat of the Right Honourable

Rodney... Harrington Harrington. Is he connected with the Harrington Harrington

Bank? Oh, darling, he is the Harrington Harrington Bank.

Or at least his father is.

Rodney is more of a branch at the moment, just waiting to take over head

And you visit him in St. Albans? Is he a boyfriend or a lover?

Oh, heaven forbid. No, I don't visit. I go on an annual pilgrimage.

Only for Daddy's sake, not mine.

I don't understand.

Well... Daddy knows that Rodney is crazy about me, and he's been trying to marry

me off to him for years.

Yes. Unfortunately, Rodney Harrington Harrington is also incredibly boring

boring, and I can't stand him.

Then why do you go?

Why don't you? For Daddy's sake.

You see, Daddy banks with Rodney's father, and to be honest, his account is

never really very healthy.

So I keep up this pretense of romance with Rodney just to avoid any...

Embarrassment. I figure that we can be in bed if I'm in his bed.

Poetic justice, don't you think?

What are you writing?

Oh, nothing, nothing. Just a note from my file.

Now, where were we?

Oh, yes, you were in bed with Rodney Harrington.

Harrington.

Harrington.

How long did you spend with him each time?

In bed?

No, no, on each visit.

Oh, just long enough to tire him out.

About half an hour, I suppose.

Could we be serious, please?

Yes, I'm sorry, sir. Of course, sir.

About two weeks, sir.

Really, is this going to be too much for you? I'm sorry, I didn't really mean to

mock. Actually, it really was about two weeks.

But really, I don't see the relevance of all this. Well, did you feel cheapened

by having to do this?

Selling yourself?

Oh.

It's so self -deprecating. With a chauffeured Rolls Royce, my own maid and

butler, well, that was hardly a piccadilly pick -up. Oh, no, I never

cheapened. With Rodney and his father talking about millions of pounds worth

share transfers over the pheasant, that was hardly possible.

Did you ever consider marrying Rodney Harrington?

Harrington? Harrington.

Oh!

At the beginning, when we first went to bed together, purely for the fun of it.

What happened?

It was awful.

Rather like a banking transaction, really. You know, putting it in when

managed to raise it and withdrawing it just when you need it.

With Rodney, it was always a short -term loan.

Of course, it did have its compensations.

The moments of solitude were immensely enjoyable.

when I was able to escape from Rodney for an hour or two.

Unfortunately, they were few and far between.

Victoria!

Victoria!

Gosh, there you are. I've been looking for you everywhere.

Sorry, Rodney. Didn't you get my note?

Oh, yes, I got it. It's all right. I found it on your pillow. I guess

didn't understand it, that's all.

To HRH.

Gone for a walk, so F you.

Be back for more later, V.

D.

To handsome Rodney Harrington.

Gone for a walk, so follow up.

Be back for more later.

Victoria, darling.

There, easy.

I see.

I say that's jolly clever, Victoria. It's sort of...

Speaking in shorthand. Hey, listen to this.

You're like this.

A chap came into my bank the other day. Now, he had been at the RAC having a

large G &T with his MP, who's an RC and a sort of BBC ITV VIP who was always on

the TV about the OPC.

And he suggested that he see me about buying 40 ,000 shares BP on HP on the

QT. And? I said.

N -B -G -M -Y -O -B -G -I -G -I -G.

Get it? Got it? Good.

Rodney, where's your father today?

Oh, I didn't think it was that bad.

Oh, well, he had to go up to town. There's something brewing about a big

takeover bid in the city.

Oh, really?

Why don't you tell me about it? You know how ignorant I am about these high

-powered financial dealings that you're so clever at.

Oh.

Oh.

Do you really think so?

Of course, Father helps a bit, too.

Oh, yes.

Oh, he does, my little tiger. But I'm sure it's you who really makes the big,

important decisions.

Now, tell me, who is taking over whom?

Oh, no, Victoria. I couldn't possibly tell you that.

I mean, the shares of the companies involved are going to rocket up when

information comes out.

It's all undercover at the moment.

Well, why don't we go upstairs and talk about it before dinner?

Undercover.

Come on, Victoria, don't be such a tease. Kiss me.

In a moment, Rodney.

First of all, tell me the names of the companies you were talking about

downstairs. No, Victoria, I can't do that.

In that case, you can't do that.

Oh, Victoria, please.

Please?

Names.

Oh.

All right.

International carpets and consolidated bedding.

second name.

Give it to me again, Rodney.

Oh, give it to me again.

No, I mustn't. I shouldn't have done it before. You're jolly naughty, Victoria.

Oh, come on, Rodney. Just once more.

Give it to me again.

Oh, all right.

But you mustn't do anything silly with it.

Of course I wouldn't do anything silly with it. If I would, I would tell Daddy

what stocks and shares were. Now, give me the names.

International carpets are taking over consolidated bedding.

Well, that should make for some interesting leaves.

Wait!

Oh, this'll be tasty, Governor.

Wilkins, please don't call me Governor.

What is it?

Oh, sorry, Governor. Just said it's eight o 'clock and grub's up, isn't it?

mean dinner is served?

If you like, yeah.

Thank you, Wilkins.

Hey, sir.

Madam, got a dress for dinner? Of course.

Pay.

Oh, Wilkins is new, isn't he?

What happened to your old butler?

Oh, he died, poor chap.

Dashed unfortunate circumstances, too.

Just before the savoury. Had to pour my own brandy that night.

How did you find Wilkins?

Ah, well, that was jolly lucky. His former employers, the Seymour Orphans,

bankrupted by my father. So they had to get rid of their staff, and we grabbed

Wilkins. I think I might.

Do what, Victoria?

Oh, nothing.

I think, look, let's have dinner.

Do you know, after all that exercise, I could eat a horse.

Fly.

Oh, yes, I do.

What did you say?

What did she say?

She said she loves you.

Good.

She said it looks like rain.

Looks like rain? What's she talking about?

Don't ask me, mate. I'm only the butler. I don't get paid for interpreting.

Mr. Harrington, Harrington tells me that...

You unfortunately lost your job with your previous employees.

That is correct, madam. Matter of fact, I was previously an employee of Lady

Seymour Hoffit.

Offit? Seymour Offit? Not from where I'm standing.

Come on.

Oh. Oh.

Well, Wilkins, what about the next course?

What?

Cock -o -van.

Oh, I thought the van was excellent, but as usual, I could have done with a

little more... I'll see what I can do, madam.

Did she like it?

I think she's after a bit more, sir.

Well, give it to her if she wants it.

Thank you, sir.

I said to him, I said, look, old chap, an investment in blue chip

government stock will yield 8 % compounded,

impounded.

Compounded. Compounded over five years' term, which is...

Where was I?

You were writing out my check for Daddy. Thank you.

Is it?

Yes, you knew. To help with the fees for my missionary school. Oh. Oh, yes.

Well, look, um... Is it I?

I don't think I... I don't, um... I don't think I approve of this, um...

of yours.

And to me, it takes you away.

I think of you all the time.

Another nod, darling.

Is it just another little nod?

should ensure a nice, even content.

Wait. Oh, well, the thing is, I was brought up potter, see?

Me mum always said that with a lady, you've got to take your time knocking.

How immensely perspicacious of her.

Yeah. I thought you might be needing this tonight.

Yes, I just might.

The right honourable gentleman won't be moving.

He'll be there till breakfast time.

It's, uh...

Is there anything else you fancy tonight?

Anything else I fancy tonight?

Really, your terminology is curious for a butler in such a well -run household.

How did you get the job?

Oh, well, I was a bit lucky there. Like these nibs said, my boss was bankrupt

and I was out of a job.

Your Rodney heard about it. He offered me this position.

But you're no more a butler than I am. Of course I'm not. That's where the luck

comes in.

See, I was working in the kitchens, weren't I?

Well, wine cellars, really.

Dishing out the bottles of wine for them at dinner time.

Yeah. Well, when Rodney HH asked me what I'd done, I told him that I was a

butler.

Next thing I knew, he's offered me this job, and here I am.

Oh, butler. Oh, how like Rodney.

Well, as you're here, you can bottle me.

You'll find one in the wardrobe.

I think you've scored it, son.

Tonight, you could be laying more than the table.

And now I shall have to squeeze some juice from you.

Eh? Because it must be fresh.

What?

Orange juice.

For Buckfeet.

For Feet?

You knew.

Champagne and orange juice.

Orange juice? I don't think we've got none.

We'll try to teach you.

They're not the only things.

Well, go on.

Squeeze them.

Cheers.

Push it in the bucket.

I've never had a real liking for one.

So you continued this practice because of your father.

What made you eventually stop?

Well, I saw the futility of it. There was I getting all this credit for Daddy

just so that he could send me off wherever and whenever I wanted.

And it was ridiculous.

So you gave it all up, including Rodney?

Oh, of course.

And you spend all of your time at home?

That's right.

What do you do?

I read.

That's all?

I spend all of my time in the library, studying the history of the Stockbridge

family. That doesn't bore you?

My ancestors were a lot of things, but never boring.

Reprehensible, possibly.

Rapacious, probably.

Romantic, certainly. But boring, never.

Romantic?

Incredibly romantic.

The first countess was abducted by the count on the eve of her impending

to a certain Lord Carson.

They eloped to Devon in a carriage drawn by four white horses.

Oh, that's when I would love to... Yes?

Do nothing.

Please continue.

Well, that's when I would love to have been alive.

That's the era I often...

Dream about.

Do you see yourself as a noble woman?

Of what period?

Elizabethan? Oh, no.

Not nearly romantic enough.

George and the daughter of the Duke of Stockbridge in the reign of George II.

That's my fantasy.

Fantasy? Tell me about it.

Well, it was a period of rakes and scandals.

Of opportunities and opportunities.

Soldiers of fortune and soldiers of war.

I'm soon a countess, of course, but I dream that my family is still immensely

wealthy. And men come wooing me for my money rather than the other way

around.

Dearest lady, tell me the truth.

My heart is dying every moment you today.

Is there another man which would love as much as me?

Of course not, you silly cuckoo.

That you should ask such a question.

Was he a suitor? A passing fancy?

Not that.

I cannot believe that, Victoria.

One so deserving of love. One so worthy of any man's affection.

Many women are worthy of affection, Lord Woodbridge.

Particularly yours.

But why do you question me so?

Because my heart is empty without your love.

You say that there's no one else. Yet you refuse to show me any affection.

You let me court you, but you don't let me touch you.

I'm the happiest of men when I'm away from you and thinking of you. Yet the

unhappiest of men when I'm with you and cannot have you.

I believe you, Lord Woodbridge, but what would you have of me?

A gift.

Nothing else.

My dearest, dearest love.

That's no one else.

I know it to be true.

Have I your hand?

What? A mere kiss?

I know it. Oh.

Oh.

I realize it's all a violent passion idea, but be careful with your nails.

coat was very expensive.

How dare you?

Lady Victoria, you seem to be having a little difficulty.

Oh, let me give you a hand.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, Victoria.

Oh, Lieutenant Crenshaw, and I thought you were a gentleman.

Sorry, old habits die hard.

Lieutenant Crenshaw?

So you mean to say you know this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this,

this, oh, Victoria.

I thought he was a common highwayman.

Well, there wasn't much happening on the common, so I thought I'd try my luck in

the hills.

Yes. And what does he mean, old habits die hard?

Yes, well, I'm... Lord Woodbridge, allow me to present to you

Left Hen and Cranshaw of the Fifth Dragoons.

Lord Woodbridge, Left Hen and Cranshaw.

Left Hen and Cranshaw is an old...

The acquaintance of mine, whom I thought to be still abroad, risking it all in

foreign parts, never to return.

Obviously.

Wounded in battle and returned home.

Oh, my poor, poor love.

No, no, it is nothing. We must all make some sacrifices for our country. Eh, my

lord?

Where did you return?

I landed this two days since I came straight to you, my love.

You, sir, are a cad and a scoundrel. This lady has promised to me.

You jest.

She's been spoken for for years.

Victoria has promised to me.

Oh, dear.

What a situation.

It seems to me that there is only one...

Now, gentlemen, whosoever wins this duel should also win my hat.

Well, to be honest... And, of course, all that is behind it.

Right. Right.

Seven, eight,

eight,

eight, nine, ten.

Now, you shall each have the opportunity of firing once.

You shall, of course, not fire at the same time, but must wait for the other

let off his shot first.

Now, who is to fire first?

Lord Woodbridge, you made the challenge. Therefore, you, Lifting of Crenshaw,

should have the first fire.

Pretty gentlemen.

Look, there must be another way.

Couldn't we just dole out for you?

Certainly not.

A noble coward, as I thought.

Lord Woodbridge, are you ready to receive Lieutenant Cranshaw's file?

Lieutenant Cranshaw?

No wonder we're losing the war.

My shot, I believe.

Look, you're right.

We should draw lots for her.

Whoever's got the longest one gets Victoria.

Well, that's what I'm hoping for.

Well, come on, gentlemen, get on with it.

Lord Woodbridge.

Oh, she takes a long time.

Oh!

Oh!

32 misses, isn't that?

It's your turn, I think, Cantor. Oh, no, boy, I just shot the groom, remember?

Oh, yes, of course you did.

This is ridiculous.

You're not trying, either of you.

Have you forgotten the prize?

Is it not a prize worth fighting for?

A prize worth dying for?

It is your shot, I believe, Lord Woodbridge.

The telegram, sir.

Kiss me. Kiss me.

John.

John. I can't wait any longer.

Oh, John.

John. Toria. John.

John.

John.

Where is it?

Well, as I told you, I was wounded in battle and... John Woodbridge?

John Woodbridge?

Lord Woodbridge?

Lord Woodbridge?

Lord Woodbridge, are you not too seriously wounded?

Why the anticlimax? Oh, but that's half the fun.

Keeping the lady's honour intact. It means that she's always available as a

pure, innocent creature when the Marquess comes along.

Who? The Marquess of Mittenberg. You see... Yes, yes, of course. We can go

that more fully next time. Thank you, Victoria. Please come again.

Case mystery number 2527, Sandra.

An extremely interesting subject.

Although she desperately wants to be accepted as an ordinary middle -class

housewife, she has in fact never been married.

Consequently, she's invented a husband and a family, and has now come to the

stage where she cannot separate fact from fiction.

My research shows that she was jilted by her lover on the eve of their wedding,

and that he ran off with the best man.

We've never been able to come to terms with this.

And in her own mind, the wedding took place, and they have two children, a

in Surbiton, and a cocker spaniel.

actually for their mother in Watford.

It is essential to treat the existence of her husband as a reality in order to

get her to continue her treatment.

Today's appointment, our eighth visit, is at 3 .30 p .m.

early today.

I hope that's all right. Yes, yes, that's fine.

Gives us more time together.

Do sit down.

I won't keep you a moment.

Been shopping?

Oh, I was just looking at these things. I thought all you young women of today

wore tights. Oh, we do.

I saw these in the window of one of those shops in Soho, and I don't know

plucked up the courage, but I went in and bought them.

They're not for me, though. Oh, I see. No, they're for Colin, my husband.

Your husband likes to wear women's clothes?

Of course he doesn't.

But he does like to see me wearing things like this.

Colin's always hated tights, and I promised him that on my next trip to

I would get a pair of nice silk.

Stockings. Look, they've got themes.

How deliciously decadent.

Why does your husband like stockings so much?

Oh, come on now, you must be joking.

I mean, haven't you ever run your hand up a stockinged leg?

May we talk about you?

Oh, yes, I'm sorry.

It's all right. Your husband finds them stimulating.

Oh, yes, I suppose he must do.

Not that he ever needs stimulating. He never thinks of anything else.

I'm in the kitchen, for instance, bending over the oven to see if my

puddings have risen, and he comes in.

Next thing I know, he's got both his hands up my skirt and he's putting them

Your husband is highly fixed.

You say that again.

Not that I'm complaining.

Well, then why the suspenders?

Ah, well, you see, they are going to be an anniversary present for him to remind

him of the day he proposed to me.

Ah, I see.

Would you like to tell me about that?

Well, yes, you see, I first met Colin when I joined a large pharmaceutical

manufacturing firm.

Colin was a research chemist, and I joined as a trainee.

Mr. Foster, come and look at this chemical group.

Even then he was more interested in biological groping than chemical

And you objected to this?

Well, of course I did.

I mean, I had only been there for two days.

Anyway, the girls had all warned me against him.

Well, go on.

Well, every time he came anywhere near you, he had one hand here, the other

there, the other hand somewhere else. The handsome chemist, we used to call

And did you continue to reject his advances?

Yes, I did.

Then he stopped.

I got quite offended, so I decided that the next time he tried, I would change

my tactics.

He had asked me to stay behind one evening to do some overtime on a project

was working on.

Unfortunately, he couldn't stay for as long as he hoped.

Yeah, well, where has this lecture taken place?

Are you sure that nobody else can do it?

Oh, no, right.

OK, sir, I'll do it.

Thank you. Bye -bye.

Bloody hell.

I'm sorry, Sandra. I've wasted your evening by asking you to work late

Professor Langton is due to give a lecture at Manchester University and he

make it. So he's asked me, no correction, all of me, to go in his

sorry.

Good night, Richard.

Good night.

Oh, never mind.

I'll work on for a bit anyway.

Yeah, and I'd work on you for a bit too if I thought it might do some good.

You don't want to be late for your lecture, do you?

Oh, no.

What's the subject?

Oh, I forgot to ask.

No light. Nobody's nickens anyway.

Good night, then. Good night. See you in the morning.

I remember that it was a very hot summer that year and I couldn't bear to wear

even a thin blouse under my uniform.

I decided to freshen up before going home.

So I went to one of the sinks for a quick wash.

You frightened me to death.

I didn't hear you come in.

No, I could see you were busy, so I thought I wouldn't disturb you.

I thought you were in a hurry.

Oh, I am. I forgot my papers.

I just remember what the subject was.

What? The effects of the naked female body on the fibres of Y -fronts. Oh,

I'm crazy about you.

I love you, my love.

Oh, me too, Colin.

Really? Do you love you?

You? I love you, silly.

on the bench. What?

I know I'll work at this bench. I dream of having you off with me.

Please get up.

Was that your lecture?

Let him wait, let him wait.

Sandra, will you marry me?

What?

I thought you just wanted a quick session.

I do, I do, but I thought you might say no.

Do I not like the reluctant virgin?

No, we can have it both ways. A quick one now and a wedding later.

Arm in two places.

Hence the stockings.

On every date after that, he would always check before we went out by

his hand up my leg to see I wasn't wearing tights.

I fooled him one night, though. I didn't put on anything underneath.

What happened?

We didn't go out.

This practice stopped after you were married, I take it?

Well, no, not at first.

I mean, it was our little game, you see. But later on, after the first baby was

born, well, then I went back to wearing tights. After the first baby? Mm.

Did this have any effect on your husband's feelings towards you?

How do you mean? Well, did he still make love to you as often?

Oh, well, of course he did.

I mean, whatever I wear doesn't make any difference.

I'm sure that he thinks that having it off will be an Olympic event one day and

that he just keeps in training.

He sees me as a sort of a walking, no -lying -down version of the marathon.

I wouldn't mind, but I don't have to do anything, you see.

understand. Well, I don't have to encourage him in any way.

Get him all worked up. Get him panting for it.

And you would like to?

Oh, yes.

I mean, take last week, for example.

I spent over an hour in the bath. I put on new perfume and a new nightie and

then...

cleaning up the boiler, and Colin comes home unexpectedly.

There I was, filthy dirty with my head stuck up the flue pipe, and pow, he's at

it again.

I mean, it makes no difference, you see. He just uses my body.

And you feel that you're losing your femininity?

Oh, exactly.

Oh, you do understand a woman, don't you? Yes, may we continue? How would you

like the problem to be resolved?

Well, I would like to see the roles reverse.

Get me to turn Colin on.

Give him the hots for me.

Make him wild with passion before he even got anywhere near me.

Describe it to me.

Well, I imagine that everything starts off very normally and I work

up to it.

Well, would you like it?

On the table as usual, love.

Now, that would normally be enough on its own.

That looks nice.

I hope you like it.

I've made a bit of a cock -up of it, I'm afraid.

That's all right to me.

Oh, pass the sauce, please, love.

Would you like a bit of mine?

If you're not hungry, love, waiting up, want not.

Would you like another plate?

No, this one's fine.

Too long, sir.

You've got too long, sir.

Well, you take them there to the cleaners. You know that I need it next

Hello.

Oh, big boy.

How do you like to make a lady happy?

Careful, love. You'll crease me trousers.

Or if you want to forget the happy, how do you like to make a lady happy?

Do you fancy a game of card?

What do you want to play?

How about a game of poker?

Sandra, you can't play poker.

Come on, what shall we play?

Snap. Snap?

Yes.

All right.

Ready?

Snap.

Oh, dear.

I lose that one, don't I?

What are you doing?

Well, I may not be able to play poker, but I can. Tripsnap.

Oh, come on. Don't be a spoilsport.

All right.

Come on, it's Snap again.

Look, this is ridiculous. You're not even trying, are you? You haven't won

hand yet.

Why, what's wrong?

Well, it's snap again.

Snap again!

All right, I win.

Come on, it's time for bed.

Turn the light out before you go.

Here am I. We can't let this chance go by.

Let this chance go by. Cause I must have my baby's you.

I must come, you must stay. Cause I must stab it away.

Must stab it away. Cause I feel like a nice lonely

soul.

I must take it.

Remove this.

And now this.

You would like to take my clothes off?

Okay, lie down.

When I told you not to move, I meant it.

When I told you to lie down, I meant all of you.

Oh!

I see you have raised a protest.

Then you must take the full punishment.

Oh, no.

No. If anybody's going to take the punishment, it's you!

It still ends with him making love to you.

Oh, of course it does.

I never intended to deny him.

Just to tease him.

Well, yes, it's, like you said, femininity.

You did say I was very feminine, didn't you?

Yes, that's right, I did.

Well, then, that's that.

What shall we talk about next?

Well, actually, you've overrun your time already. I'm sorry.

You want me to go, don't you?

You don't like me?

Of course I do, Sandra. It's just that I do have other people to see.

Please come again next week.

Oh!

Oh, yes.

I'll get my husband to look after the two children.

Nurse, are you there?

Yes, sir. Ah, good morning.

Come in, will you, please? Yes, sir.

Come in. Oh, good, you're ready for those notes.

Fine. Sit down, will you?

Right? Yes.

The psychological effect on emotionally unstable women that can be caused

by men in a position of trust.

The relationship...

Between a doctor and a patient.

Excuse me, sir. You haven't forgotten your appointment with Marion, have you?

Marion? Marion? Case 2310.

Sexual relations with relations.

A depressive... Yes, thank you, nurse. Oh, is she here now? Oh, yes. Oh, right.

Send her in, will you? We'll finish this up later.

Marion.

Marion, come in. Sit down.

Well,

how are we today?

Oh, okay.

Just okay? You seem rather elated.

I've come again.

I can see that. You're here.

No, no. He put it in again.

I'm sorry. I'm lost. Who put what in again?

Mr. Johnson.

Mr. Johnson?

Yes. He put the advert in the paper again, and I answered it again.

And the same thing happened.

Marion, have you seen your mother recently?

He decided to give me a shorthand test. I think we ought to talk about your

mother, but where are you living now? But I could tell he fancied me.

It was those eyes.

Rather like yours, they were.

Of course, he couldn't resist me.

And we did it again.

Under the desk.

Under the desk.

Nurse! Nurse!

In here, quick!

It was wonderful.

I'm going again next week.

Uh, Marion, you must control yourself.

Marion, please.

Now, now, Marion, we mustn't get carried away, must we? After all, we don't want

him struck off, do we? For taking advantage of pretty young patients.

Right, Marion, see you next... Yes, fine, thank you.

I think she's improving.

Huh? Now, look here, nurse, don't get the wrong impression.

She's just very, um, very... Pretty.

Yes, pretty.

Good heavens, nurse, what do you think I am?

Who's next?

Oh, Lady Stockbridge.

Case number 2420.

Ancestral problems.

I ought to mention... Thank you, nurse. I can remember some cases, Tristan.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Oh,

you've

fallen for me.

How sweet.

Lady Victoria, sorry, I'm somewhat thrown. And I'd forgotten that I'd had

couch moved.

It doesn't look as if it's been moved to me.

Are you all right? Yes, yes, I'm fine. Would you like to sit down?

Tell me, why are you wearing those clothes?

Balls.

Well, that was a perfectly civilized question.

Oh, no, I mean fancy dress balls.

I've been advised to one this week, and I've just been to the costumist to hire

my gown.

Do you like it?

Yes, yes, most becoming.

So you're getting out and about. Well, that's good.

Tell me, who is escorting you to these functions?

Oh, a dashing military man.

You'd like him.

Lifton and Crenshaw.

Lieutenant Crenshaw?

He's awfully good -looking.

And I do hope he's a good dancer as well.

Tell me, Victoria, have you seen your father recently? I imagine he's

frightfully good at the military.

Two -step.

How's your two -step?

Look, Victoria, we haven't got time for all this. Listen.

Lieutenant,

tell me, is your wound any better?

Listen, Victoria, I am not Lieutenant Crenshaw. I am your psychiatrist.

Well, in that case, I've got something to show you.

Look. Oh, my God.

Now, look, Victoria.

Please be careful.

It's not loaded, is it? Of course not.

Let me see.

Well, anyway, you'd better give it to me. I knew it's not your shop. Victoria,

give me the gun.

I'm sure he won't miss it.

Oh, but I do.

Oh, John.

John. John.

Oh, John.

John.

John.

We are having problems today, aren't we?

If we could manage to keep our hands off the patients, it would help. But you

don't understand, nurse.

She shot it off.

Well, perhaps that will slow you down a little.

Might I suggest a cold towel wrapped firmly around the head for an hour or

to cool you off?

Now, look here, nurse. I will not be spoken to.

Can we ask for any more patients today?

Please cancel all other appointments.

Yes, sir.

I think that would be advisable.

Today does appear to have been something of a struggle for you.

Go home and sleep it off.

Yes. Thank you, nurse.

Cooley! It's only me.

I just remembered something I wanted to tell the doctor. I'm afraid the doctor

can't see you, Sandra.

But I've come back specially.

I'm very sorry, Sandra.

No, no, that's all right, nurse. I'll see Sandra, but no one else. Understood?

I'm not sure I understand anything anymore.

You've been shopping again? No.

Oh, good.

No, I was only just going to be... The coat!

You brought the coat.

You expect me to wear this, don't you, eh? I want to put it on. Well, I won't,

do you hear? I won't.

You'd like me to make an exhibition of myself, wouldn't you, eh?

I count on little fantasies for you. Well, I refuse, do you hear? I

refuse. I will not play these silly games with you. Well, no, I mean, I was

going to... You want me to expose myself, don't you, eh?

Act out the little perversions. Well, I won't do it.

That's what you want, isn't it?

No.

I was just going to take you to the cleaners.

I'm sorry, Sandra.

I don't know what came over me.

I must apologise.

Don't leave just yet.

No. I don't want to stay here with you.

I'm going back to my mum.

These people are normal in Watford.

I think you ought to see a doctor.

Sir,

now we're exposed. Losing ourselves to patients.

My, my, Doctor, this sexual therapy isn't having a very good effect on you,

it? Perhaps you should take up chiropody and work your way up.

After a while, you'll reach the knees, and then you can move on to higher

things. Now, look, Nurse. Oh, come, Doctor.

I'm not silly.

I know why you wanted to cancel those appointments.

It's me, isn't it?

You've always desired me. You've always wanted me. Just a minute.

My glasses.

What are you doing?

Nurse Addison here.

That's right, Dr. Boyd's nurse.

Could I make an appointment for him to see you on Monday?

I... I think he needs a little... help.

The way I feel Come

here to me I know you'll see

That breaking up means only breaking

up.

Just sit right there, your

favorite dinner.

I'll close the door and we can talk about it once more.