Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language

# When I hold you, baby

# Feel your heartbeat close to me

# Wanna stay in your arms for ever

# Only love can set you free... #

ALARM CLOCK BUZZES

# ..Set you free

# When we touch each other

# In a state of ecstasy... #

Hey, Stewart.

I hear you're a homosexual now.

Good on you, lad.

Thank you.

# ..Oh-ho, yeah # Oh-ho, yeah... #

Ee, I've heard you're gay, Stewart.

I'm made up for your, pet.

I hope you get yourself a bit of bum fun.

# ..Only love can set you free... #

Hello?

Hello?

That's weird.

Keith?

Keith?

ALL: Surprise!

Happy coming out party! Happy coming out party, Stewart.

Oh! Ooh!

Ah! Oh!

Sick! Ow!

Yay!

PARTY POPPER BANGS

Why?

# When I grow up Imma be a supermodel. #

How's your gammy eye, chick?

It's a bit sore, to be honest, Mam.

Why didn't you just duck out the way of the cork, Stewart?

Not really sure.

I've never known someone with such piss-poor reflexes.

Ee, remember Janice, who drove over her husband in that hit-and-run?

Oh, yeah. Well, I went to her 50th a couple of months ago.

Someone popped a champagne cork right into her ear.

It was stuck in there for a week, apparently.

She can't catch a break, can she, Janice?

Do you remember when she got wedged under that caravan

at her engagement party? Poor cow.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

The prosecco went all over the floor.

Thanks very much, Stewart. Now we've got no booze.

Hang on. I might have something in my office.

BRB.

Thank God for that. Hiya, lads. Sorry I'm late.

ALL: Hiya, Sal.

Where have you been, chick? I had to pick up Andrea.

Who the fuck's Andrea?

Oh! Oh, hello, little rabbit. Nice to meet you.

You know Mel, who played guitar for me at Pride?

Yeah. Lovely Mel. Well, she's popped to Majorca for a week,

so I said I'd look after her rabbit.

Aww. Right, who wants a drink?

DICKIE: Oh, yeah. What is it, Keith.

Home brew. I fermented it myself.

Oh, how long for? 37 years.

There you go.

Right, there...

Would your little rabbit friend like a drink?

Nah, she's teetotal, Keith.

Ah, right. There you go, son.

For my brave little gay warrior.

We're all so proud of you.

I mean, physically, you might be very, very small and terribly weak,

but mentally, you are the biggest, strongest person I know.

Happy coming out party, Stewart. Right, well,

I would just like to raise a glass

and say congratulations on becoming a homosexual, Stewart.

You know, it takes a brave man

to admit he likes to put another man's testicle in his mouth.

Well, I don't necessar... To Stewart.

ALL: Stewart!

THEY GROAN AND RETCH

Here, Stewart...

Down it.

Down it!

ALL: Down it! Down it! Down it!

Down it! Down it! Down it! Down it!

Whoo!

Christ! Is that the time?

Well, I'd better get the shop opened.

Oh, my God, that is fucking dire. No, absolutely not.

No, I can't.

Oh, that is bloody lovely.

Good morning, carpet lovers.

You've come at exactly the right time

because we've got some cracking deals on our carpets today,

so please come through.

There you go, lads. All right?

Hello.

Hey, come on. Hey. Now, listen,

them carpets won't bite you, you know.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, mate. You what?

Yeah, do you want a carpet? We've got a sale on.

Nah, mate. You what? Your carpets are shite, Keith.

Come over here and say that, you dickhead.

HE SLURPS

Mm!

What sort of things does Andrea eat, hon?

Can she have a Jammie Dodger? Nah, I think it's just lettuce and that.

Oh. Poor Andrea.

I'd shoot myself in the face if I couldn't eat Jammie Dodgers.

Where is Andrea, chick?

What do you mean?

I mean, where is Andrea?

I'm not really sure how else to say it, to be honest.

Well, she's here.

No.

That's strange.

Andrea?

What are we going to do, lads?

I can't lose Andrea. Mel's going to kill me.

Andrea!

Well, don't worry, chick, she can't have gone far,

especially with those big, stupid ears.

You see, this is the reason I don't keep livestock.

Andrea! Andrea! Andrea! Andrea! Andrea!

Andrea!

Yeah?

Oh, sorry, not you.

OK, plan.

We're going to split up into separate search parties.

Er, Lucinda, Neil and Sal, you're going to form one team.

Stewart and Dickie, you're going to come with me.

Right, let's find Andrea. ALL: Yeah!

You know, it's funny, isn't it?

What's funny, hon?

We're all about to go on a search party

for Andrea the rabbit.

But we're also on a constant search party - life.

What the fuck are you on about, Neil?

OK, let's go find Andrea.

ALL: Yay!

Greetings, carpet lovers.

I'm Keith from Keith's World of Carpets,

and I'm crackers about carpets, me.

Let me guess.

Your beautiful but overpowering wives

have sent you here to buy some thick, sturdy carpets.

Am I right or am I right?

We don't have wives.

We're actually a couple.

Oh, I see.

Oh, Christ, me gaydar must be malfunctioning.

Still, no worries, cos here at Keith's World of Carpets

you can be as homosexual as you want to be.

In fact, we're hosting a coming out party today

for a tiny little gay fella that works here.

Now, what is it you two penis enthusiasts are looking for?

Carpets, Keith. Well, you've come to the right place.

Follow me and I will show you my carpet wonderland.

HE SCREAMS

I've just remembered - I've got a sale on today.

Right, let's get stuck in.

Howay, lads!

Andrea! Andrea! Andrea! Andrea.

Does anyone else feel a bit light-headed from Keith's drink?

I wouldn't know, chick. Couldn't keep it down.

God-awful stuff.

Andrea!

Ooh! Andrea! Andrea!

Andrea. Oh! Howay, Andrea, you silly knobhead!

Why the hell anyone would want to own a frigging rabbit is beyond me.

Eh? Ugly, gormless, big-eared twats.

Oh, that reminds me, I need to pay Dickie back

for those Metallica tickets. You what?

Oh! Oh! Oh, I forgot you were with us.

No, no, I was just saying that I need to transfer over

the money for that Metallica concert we went to.

Hang on, though, what did you mean by "that reminds me"?

Huh? You were talking about Andrea the rabbit

and how gormlessly ugly she was.

What is it about ugly, gormless Andrea

that reminded you of me?

Oh, it's nothing. Just ignore me. I'm a dozy old cow.

No, come on.

Well, I just think you have certain qualities about you

that sometimes resemble a rabbit.

You're joking, aren't you? It's only little things.

Like what? Well, your teeth, your nose and your eyes.

That's basically my whole face.

I can't actually believe I'm hearing this.

I mean, I've been called names before,

but never a frigging rabbit.

Stewart, do you think I look like a rabbit?

Hmm?

Do you think I look like a rabbit?

Erm...

You know, guys, I really do feel a sense of responsibility now.

And I know it sounds weird,

but I almost feel that the hand of destiny is guiding me

down a new path to help other people in the queer community.

Get over yourself, Stewart, you annoying little rat.

Oh, no!

You're kidding me!

What's the matter?

Come on.

Oh, come on, baby, yeah.

Oh, that is so, so good.

Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh-ho-ho...

DIAL-UP MODEM CHIRRUPS

Show it to me.

Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Er... Er, what's going on?

Oh, sorry to intrude, Keith.

I needed to find a place to hide.

All right, well, erm, yeah, be my guest.

Who is it, Mam?

Paula. Paula Radcliffe?

Hey, if that Radcliffe bitch is here again

scrounging free carpet samples, I will, swear to God...

No, not Paula Radcliffe.

Paula, my ex-wife. What?!

Your ex-wife is here?

But I thought you said she'd moved to Bury St Edmunds.

She did. I've got no idea why she's back.

But if she's here,

maybe that means he's here.

Who? Ed.

- Ed Miliband? - If that Miliband twat is here...

No, not Ed Miliband.

My son, Ed.

Ah, yeah. That makes more sense.

I can't believe this is happening.

I think I'm going to frigging hyperventilate.

Right. I've got a plan.

Me and Stewart will go over and try and eavesdrop on the conversation.

If she says anything about Ed or why she's back in Boro,

we'll let you know.

Howay, Stewart.

I said, howay!

I need to get out of here, Keith.

Can you take me through the back door?

I can get you out of here, Mam...

..but it ain't going to be easy.

And then you sprinkle about 125g of mozzarella on top,

and then pop it in the oven for about 45 minutes

until it's a deep golden colour on top and crispy round the edges.

And that is the best way to cook a beef lasagne from scratch.

I don't remember anyone asking you

how to cook a beef lasagne from scratch, Neil.

How has Andrea just disappeared into thin air?

Don't stress, hon, we'll find her. She can't have gone far.

I mean, just how big is this place, anyway?

The size of two football pitches.

How the hell do you know that?

I've got freakishly good spatial awareness,

and to be honest, my depth perception's second to none.

I mean, I never need to measure a room when I buy new furniture.

Oh, Neil's the opposite. He can't get enough of measuring.

He owns 28 tape measures - don't you, Neil?

Neil?

Neil!

Where the bloody hell did Neil go?

Andrea?

Andrea?

This is like a bloody rabbit warren.

Andrea?!

Oh!

That's it, Keith. I've made it out the air vent.

What now?

Right. Now shimmy towards that roll of mousey-grey carpet

and squat down behind it.

But a warning - Paula is very close.

So how is that one different to that one?

You'll see a manhole cover.

Open it...and climb in.

Oh, bloody hell!

Cos the colours are very subtle.

I've never noticed the softness of Keith's carpet.

Shut up, Stewart, I can't hear what she's saying.

Sorry, Dickie. I mean, I just can't believe how soft they are.

We need to get closer.

I remember getting a carpet here years ago.

Must have been 1993.

The place hasn't changed a bit, has it? I wouldn't know. I'm 22.

Hey, sorry, listen to me going on at you.

You don't want my life story, do you?

It's just weird to be back in Boro after all these years.

Yeah, I've actually moved back up here, so...

Hoping to start afresh, you see.

Sorry, did you want a carpet or not?

Right. Yes. Sorry.

The carpet - of course.

There was one I saw just over this way.

HE GROANS

Did you hear that, Stewart?

She's moved back to Boro from Bury St Edmunds.

Stewart? Stewart!

What the fuck are you doing, Stewart?

And then I went to Aldi and I couldn't reach

the Shreddies on the top shelf.

So I asked a big tall lad to help me.

But instead of handing me the Shreddies,

he picks me up, puts me on the top shelf

and then just walks off.

So I was up there for three hours.

It was in that moment I said to meself,

"I am never wearing flat shoes ever again."

Sal.

Sorry, babe. I wasn't listening to a word you said there. Cheers, hon.

I'm just really freaking out about Andrea the rabbit.

Hey, Sal.

I've never seen you so hysterical.

Mel's never going to speak to me again.

And, well...

..I really like her.

Look, I wouldn't worry, hon. I'm sure we'll fi...

Hang on a minute.

Are you saying that you really like her like, "Hiya, Mel"?

Or you really like her like, "Hiya, Mel"?

It's more like...

.."Hiya, Mel."

Oh. Yeah.

But what about Danny?

I don't know, babe.

You know we're here for you, whatever you decide.

Come on.

Let's go and see if the others have had any luck.

I bet Neil's all over it.

Whoa-a-a-a...

Hold.

Hold.

Hold.

All clear.

That was a close one, Keith. Over.

You're doing brilliantly, Mam.

Hello?

Hello?!

You'd never know me artificial grass is fake.

Go on. Touch it.

Feels good, doesn't it?

It feels SO real.

Right.

Well, take your shoes and socks off

and step on it.

Go on, Neil. Step on it.

Ah! I'm free!

Woohoo-hoo!

There's so much grass!

Oh, God.

HE MOANS

HE SNORTS

Oh!

HE MOANS

Ugh!

Are you in position, Mam?

I am, Keith.

Marvellous. Now listen carefully, Mam.

In five minutes, a fellow called Dave is due back from his break.

Then he's going to push the trolley through the shop,

out the back and into the warehouse.

Now, when you feel him pushing you,

keep your head down, unless you want Paula to see you.

Then, when you're in the warehouse,

you can get out and dash out the back door.

Understand?

Loud and queer, Keith.

Good girl.

God...this is just like Vietnam.

HE SIGHS

She's just looking at carpets now.

You know, Dickie, I feel really lucky.

What are you whining on about now, Stewart?

Well, I was just thinking, even though my grandma

doesn't approve of who I am, I'm so lucky to have friends

who have showered me with love and acceptance.

Not a lot of people have that, but I do.

And so...

..well, I feel like one lucky guy.

You're doing my fucking nut in today, you.

Oh! Oh!

Get off! Oh!

Oh... Oh, for fuck's sake.

It's frickin' Tweedledum and Tweedledee.

Oh. Hiya, Harrison. Hiya, Bobby.

Oh. Hiya, mate.

Uh, yeah. Listen,

we heard what you've been through with your grandma and that.

Yeah. Sorry, Stewart. But from what everyone's said,

you've been really brave about the whole situation.

Oh. Thanks, guys.

It hasn't been the best of times,

I won't lie, but I'm really feeling the love today.

You know, not a lot of people know this but, uh,

I had a hard time coming out to my family as well.

Didn't your parents take you on a trip to London to see

Mamma Mia! the musical when you came out?

Yes, Harrison, but I wanted to see Miss Saigon!

Stewart's not the only one who's had it hard.

Well, I'll buy you a drink next time I see you

out and about to say congratulations on your bravery, mate.

Oh. Thank you, Harrison.

Boop.

Oh...

What are you two doing here, anyway?

What do you think we're doing in a carpet shop? Bowling?

We've actually moved in together,

so we're buying some flooring for the new house.

Sorry, you've what? You've what?

Are you deaf, babe? We've moved in together.

We're really excited about it, aren't we, darling?

We are, yeah. Yeah, well...

WHISPERS: Congratulations.

All right. Howay, babe. I'm bored of this.

Let's fuck off to Dunelm.

Are you OK, Dickie? Course I'm OK, Stewart.

Why wouldn't I be?

I just...I just didn't know

they were still a couple, let alone living together.

You know, Dickie, Neil had a point

when he was talking all that gibberish earlier.

We all go through life searching for different things, don't we?

And I think you're at a place in your life

where you're simply searching...

..for someone to love.

Stop touching me, Stewart, you greasy pervert!

Oh.

I look quite pretty.

Andrea.

Andrea?

Andrea?!

BIRDSONG

WHOOSHING

WHISPERS: Hey.

Hey. Agh!

Neil.

It's you.

I'm glad you're enjoying my artificial grass.

But there's someone who needs you.

Who?

Andrea the rabbit.

And only you can save her.

Only I can save her.

Go, Neil!

Go and save the rabbit.

I can't feel my legs.

Go, Neil! Andrea needs you.

I'm going to save the rabbit!

What the fucking hell are you waiting for? Go now!

Andrea.

Yeah. Then there was, uh, Karen.

She was my third wife.

Or was she my fourth? Anyway.

Anyway, she was a right bell end, her. Took me to the cleaners.

So that's all right, I'm going to start a new life.

So I went to Fiji.

But don't ask me about Fiji.

Oh, well, since you asked me about Fiji,

let me tell you about Fiji.

Fiji.

Here.

Where's Mam? Here.

She's on the screen.

Oh, my God, there she is.

But if you want to talk to her,

speak there.

Mam? Can you hear me?

MUMBLES

..ready.

Listen, not sure how to tell you this,

but she's moved back to the area.

Ugh! Evil cow!

Who the hell are you calling an evil cow?

S-Sorry. Not you.

Any luck finding Andrea? Who the fuck's Andrea?

The rabbit we're all meant to be looking for.

Oh, yeah. No luck, I'm afraid.

Oh, have a butcher's at this.

Hang on. You've got CCTV, Keith?

Oh, aye. This shop is completely covered.

No thieving bastard is going to nick my carpets and get away with it!

Maybe we'll be able to see Andrea on the cameras.

Good idea.

LUCINDA: Look, it's Neil.

What the hell is he doing?

Andrea.

Andrea.

Andrea!

Where are you going, Andrea?

For God's sake!

Curiouser and curiouser.

How the hell...?

Andrea!

Careful, Andrea. If you hop off that edge,

you'll hop to your death.

A-Andrea!

Yeah?

Uh! Oh, sorry. Not... Not you.

SHE TUTS

What's Stewart doing up there?

I can't lie, he does not look good on camera.

It's Andrea.

She looks like she's about to bunny dive off that shelving unit.

No!

Godspeed, you beautiful little weirdos.

Oh, shit. She's there.

Stewart!

Why are you trying to push Andrea off the shelving unit, Stewart?

I'm trying to save her, but she's not listening to me.

You've got to grab her. I'm too scared.

If I get too close to her, she'll hop off.

THEY GASP

We did it, Mam. You're in the warehouse and you're home free.

Oh!

HE SCREAMS

Mission accomplished, Keith. Cheers, chick.

You're joking, aren't you?

MAM CRIES OUT

Ugh! What's the frickin' point?

Stewart!

GASPS

Stewart, grab her.

Oh, I think I've got an idea!

What's going on here?!

Long story short,

Andrea's about to jump, and Stewart's making it worse.

Grab this. We need to position it underneath Andrea in case she falls.

It's all dusty.

Over there. No, you've got to get it

over there. What are you doing?! ALL SPEAK AT ONCE

Pull it, pull it. What are you doing?!

Ow!

I've got carpet burn now!

Forget it, it's not going to work.

HE GASPS

EPIC MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, my God. It's... It's Neil.

He's on a scissor lift. Andrea!

What's he doing on a scissor lift?

I'm coming to save you!

Yes, Neil! Go on, Neil! You can do it, Neil!

Oh, go, Neil, go! You can do it.

Keep going, Neil.

Oh, he's like a soaring eagle.

Go on, king kestrel.

EPIC MUSIC STOPS

SCISSOR LIFT WHIRS

EPIC MUSIC RESUMES

Go on, Neil! Come on, Neil!

Come on, chick, you can do it! Go on!

HE EXCLAIMS

Oh, heights!

We're high.

EPIC MUSIC STOPS

THEY GROAN

Oh, Neil!

Dirty chunder!

THEY GROAN

NEIL GURGLES

Oh, bloody hell, Neil.

Stewart, this is it.

Andrea's life is in your hands now.

It's all down to you.

It's all down to me.

Andrea, please don't jump.

You've got so much to live for.

Hey, look at me.

I know you're scared, but it's OK.

We're your family now.

I know what you're going through, and it's OK that you're gay.

I'm gay too.

It's time for you to live your truth, Andrea.

I mean, when you think about it,

aren't we all just lil' gay rabbits?

I've got her!

THEY CHEER AND WHOOP

Rabbit! Rabbit! Rabbit!

Hey!

Who's chucked up all over me floor?!

MUFFLED: Sorry.

You twat!

Sorry.

Wow. Dickie does look a bit like a rabbit.

Stop fucking touching me, Stewart.

# Set you free...

# Free

# Free

# When we touch each other

# In a state of ecstasy... #