Original subtitles

What about this one?

I drive from the east coast to the west coast…

..in a bus or a van or something…

OK.

..and I cook food and I meet people,

and it's called Easton Goes Western.

Sounds like an excuse to do a silly wordplay with your name.

Yeah, yeah.

Jamie and Gordon have pillaged every decent TV idea

and most of the crap ones.

What you need is an idea that's entirely unique to you, hmm?

Yeah.

I'm 73 today.

That's why I can spout off wise shit like that.

You're kidding?! We should celebrate.

None of us have ever celebrated one of your birthdays.

I'll get the others.

It's very…you.

We don't have to send it. If you hate it, I should redo it.

It's your grandma's birthday. We're having drinks.

Where's Brett and Denise? Asleep.

It's only 8:00.

We're about to send off Diana's new menu to Viggo.

So, this one is Tits Up,

which is, like, a marshmallowy ode

to the direction in which my life has taken lately.

And the other one is a Bacon & Egg Hanglova.

Yeah.

And we've also got Terry's Jam and Biscuits on here, too.

This is more like you - high art meets silly shit.

Thank you. You look more nervous than her.

Are you worried that a Dane won't understand

the nuances of Australian cuisine?

No, no, it's just…it's our last chance to impress Viggo.

It's good. Let's go.

OK, well, it's done now.

Let's go have a drink.

What's the opposite of being cancelled?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Elon Musk is following you! What?!

They're calling me the Waste Whistleblower.

We were…we were so stupid.

Well, what can I say?

To be reunited with my famous son

and my wonderful, talented granddaughter I didn't know I had

is the greatest birthday gift.

To June, and to the end of Easton and Diana's sentence

and for our return to London.

Up your bums!

Up your bums!

Oh, and, Grandma…

..your birthday cake.

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you… ♪

Oh, my God!

It's 3 am.

There's a goat wearing my T-shirt.

♪ Happy birthday… ♪

She's taken over our lives.

How did we not check who owned the house?

Well, how was I to know that her name was on the deed

or that she was still alive?

Diana seems to like her.

Well, we're gonna spend the whole day with Diana tomorrow

before she and Harry leave.

We'll take care of June later.

She's riding the goat.

Ride the goat! Ride the goat!

I'm going back to bed.

My hair is bashing against my skull when I move.

Oh, Mum!

Don't sniff my undies. It's really weird.

What, I've been sniffing your underwear for 20 years.

Brett and I would like to take you out, spend the day together.

OK.

Where's Harry? He was really drunk last night, Mum.

He's only 27.

That's the age everyone chokes on their own vomit

like Jimi and Janis.

Oh, my God, no.

Please, please, please don't take Harry.

What about minigolf? Harry can come if he's not dead.

Well, that's the second-worst thing I've ever seen on a pizza.

The reception here is terrible.

Mum's birthday party.

What? Mum's birthday party.

Oh, you made up, then. Good.

Easton.

Easton, have you seen Harry?!

Oh, thank God. Thank you, sweet baby Jesus.

Grandma.

There we go. There it is. Yep.

I brought you something. Come on.

Please be a bacon sandwich.

Wash your face.

I know the dishes are a little out there. Just leave it with me.

She's coming. Harry! I thought you were dead.

No, no. Calm down. Who is it?

Viggo? It's the menu.

It's fine. It's OK.

I have the right to hear it.

Yeah, I know, I know. I'll tell you.

Now. OK.

Viggo, I'm calling you back, alright? I need to call you back.

Harry!

That was a dick move.

Diana… Nup.

A donation from the Uraidla Producers' Group.

We saw your impassioned speech.

Right.

So, you are the Waste Whistleblower now.

I like it. It's very sexy.

What?

Oh, don't tell me the only thing you're blowing is hot air.

No. Good.

Then I gift you imperfect produce that supermarkets will not take.

What do you want me to do with it?

Well, I'm looking at opening some new revenue streams,

and I thought you might be able to make me something that I could sell

through my new cellar door experience.

Oh, and special boudoir access

if you can come up with anything to do with

40 barrels of smoke-tainted wine.

You didn't bring that here as well, did you?

No. I just thought you might have a brilliant idea.

You know, help a damsel in distress.

Isn't that what you men live for?

Oh, I really think we should work on this name.

You know, Whistleblower, it's a bit of an overreach.

Dr Dumpster? No.

Bin Busters? No.

Wasted West? No.

Though I don't disagree with the sentiment.

Alright, where do you want this baby?

Oh, there's just fine.

Are you sure about that? Yep.

Okey-dokey.

Call me when you got something to show me.

I need a shower, a coffee and a Chiko Roll.

I don't know what that is, but can we just talk, please?

Sure. Yeah, let's talk.

What were you guys saying about my dishes?

Just that they need tweaking. Oh, my God!

I sexted my jugs to a Nordic food God.

Look, you go have a shower,

and I'll get you your chicken roll,

and we can brainstorm how to fix it.

No, I promised Brett and Denise that I would hang with them today.

Di! It's my last day with them.

Fine. I'll think of a solution.

It'll be OK. Thank you.

Mum!

Eat, you mangy animal.

Come on, eat!

What is this? Oh, Margot dumped it on me.

I've got a TV show to pitch on Monday,

and I should be generating ideas.

How about I'm A Celebrity Chef GOAT Me Out Of Here?

Look, come on, give me an idea, you furry shit.

What about go-karting? Too hot.

The museum? Too bony.

The beach? Sandy.

Botanic gardens? Leafy.

Diana. I honestly just want a schnitzel.

We're trapped.

Oh, wonderful.

Easton!

What?

I didn't put it there.

But I can't help but feel that it is your fault that it IS here.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

So, what are you going to do with two tons of veg?

Pickles. Found some old vinegar Dad had in storage.

Yeah. Pickles are really hot right now.

I lived in Poland. They know how to pickle.

Mostly their livers, but occasionally a vegetable.

So, what are we meant to do?

Well, stay and help us. We'll make it a family day.

No, we're taking Diana out.

Not until this is empty, we're not.

Well, what about your schnitzel?

It's alright, I'm getting delivery.

-You guys want one? -Yeah, sure.

I'm getting you one, too, Mum.

We could take a taxi to the zoo.

Diana, give me a hand?

Let's just stay, Mum. I don't mind.

I knew she'd hijack our plans.

She's hijacking more than that.

I'd have a word with this Viggo guy if I were you.

I mean, the Scandis, they're arrogant.

I mean, he'd probably respect you more if you told him

to stick a well-designed bookcase up his arse.

Oh, Grandma, firstly, I don't think you can say that anymore

because it's racist.

And secondly, Harry would kill me if I did that.

If Harry's not gonna stick up for you, you have to go direct.

If you want us to make up, tell her to ask me,

nay, beg forgiveness.

No. But I will try and set up a conversation between you.

Dude, you're here to drool over her…

Oh…so don't use me as your excuse.

And hurry up, I need to pee. Are you serious?

No, sorry. Can I just finish? Thank you.

Those desserts are a representation of who I am, Viggo,

and if you're not going to allow me to express myself,

then you can shove those desserts right up your clacker.

And clacker, FYI, is Australian for arse.

How dare you…

Ha! Sorry. Just, like, work things.

You know, sometimes you've gotta crack a few skulls.

What are you guys doing here?

Uh, well, Margot's told the whole town about the waste project,

so we've brought some stuff to donate.

And we wanted to see you before you go.

Why is Nayani looking like a getaway driver in a bank heist?

Well, I was hoping you two would talk.

Wants me to grovel, doesn't she?

No.

Hey, Denise, I have an idea.

Whoa, before you start, what are we putting them in?

What? The pickles.

Jars. But he hasn't got any.

Well, I don't know.

Every jar this family ever used, Jim put into the toolshed.

Great. Mum, take Brett, go get the jars.

What? The… Let's go, handsome.

OK, TV pitch.

I take people who have absolutely no idea how to cook,

you know, the kind that ask how long two-minute noodles take to boil -

no idea whatsoever -

and I transform them into capable chefs

who can take on a shift at a real restaurant.

I call it Restaurant Rejects,

and when we shoot the pilot, you're my first guest.

No? OK.

Brett.

I've been meaning to do a clear-up in here for forever.

But Denise is sentimental about Jim's stuff.

Oh, ridiculous.

When we moved in, we slept on piles of old newspapers.

Found an old one about a Tasmanian tiger biting a kid.

I almost became part of Jim West's collection.

And, as owner of this shit,

I give you permission to get rid of his crap.

Oh, God!

Oh, my knee's locked up.

Oh, help me, Brett. Help me.

Here, come here. Come here. Help me. Ooh.

Ben's basically given me free rein to use the menu to experiment.

Yeah, it's exciting,

having people try things straightaway and feedback.

I'm very lucky.

Well, that's not luck, though, is it?

You've earned it. You're amazing.

I mean, Harry wouldn't shut up about how good your carp diem dish was.

And how are you?

I don't know. Sometimes, like, I feel like a fish, you know?

Sort of, like, constantly swimming upstream

through this river of treacle

with, like, a really bad hangover,

kind of not really knowing what sort of fish I even am anymore.

Well, I know what kind of fish you are.

You're a strong, talented fish who follows her gut no matter what.

That's why we all love you.

I'm not saying that I love you. Mm-hm.

Well, I do like…

…friends love.

Look, I've always thought that you and your food

are like an emulsion,

so if this Viggo guy doesn't get your food,

he really doesn't get you.

Oh, my God. I don't know why I just did that.

It's fine. No, it's not. It's really bad.

It's just that you were saying, like, all the right things,

like 'emulsion', and I just…

Hey, I think I should go.

Um, you and Nayani should try and talk.

No, you don't have to leave. We'll catch up next time you visit.

OK? Hey, no, Kwams…

Yeah.

Hurry up, Kwame. I'm busting.

Hi. What the hell are you doing?

Things got weird, OK? Sorry, I'm walking home.

What the fuck?

You should stay and try and talk to Di, though. She really needs you.

She needs a lobotomy.

What did she do to you?

Is that it?

Is that all you've done?

What…

I have to do everything myself.

Where have you been?

We're meant to be spending time together.

Oh, sorry. I was just… I was helping Kwame.

He just donated all this fresh produce, so I was just…

Here, take a peeler and come and sit next to me.

We'll work together. OK.

June's gammy leg's playing up.

Oh, no, Grandma! Are you OK?

I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. It just happens sometimes.

Stupid knee.

Oh, we found some jars. They'll need sterilising, though.

Oh, well, you can boil them in that bin.

Oh, Diana, we can do it.

Yeah. No, take Brett.

He, um…he can carry you and massage your leg as well.

Will I? Yes.

Yeah, good idea. Brett, you take Mum and the bin down to the fire pit -

get sterilising.

Oh, come on, June. Diana.

Are you right? Diana!

Yeah. Yeah.

Full automation.

Full…automation.

Full automation.

What did he just…

I don't know. I choose not to listen.

Hey, I've got some movement back.

You got magic hands, Brett.

Huh. Yeah.

You know, it was great getting to know Diana a bit more last night.

She's a lot like me, you know?

Is she? Oh, yeah, she's got my spirit.

Hey.

That boy's in for a bit of a shock.

What are we gonna do about the London situation?

Situation?

Yeah, you know, Diana being unhappy, no friends.

You know, the rain. She told you that?

Last night. Didn't she tell you?

No.

Oh, no, no, it's OK.

I advised her, you know, put number one first.

That's terrible advice. She's got her career, she's got Harry.

No. I told her, if you want an omelette,

you've got to crack an egg.

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la… What she needs to do…

Denise?! La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la…

Brett! What she… Brett… Denise!

Diana, I can't believe you called Viggo.

I can't believe WHAT you called Viggo.

I'm sorry. He's a name chef.

Harry, you hired me first, and you hired me to be me.

Yes, but hiring you was a risk, and risks come with terms.

What terms?

I just need you to put the restaurant first, not your ego, Diana.

Jesus Christ, Harry.

At the moment, the menu could be seen as a little parochial for London.

Parochial?

It's business. Don't make it personal.

It's Viggo. I have to take it. No, you don't.

I…

Di…

Why would she tell you all this and not me?

I'm…I'm her mother.

Who tells their mother anything?

Well, I would have liked the option.

All I said was, come home, we'll look after you.

Oh, we will, will we?

Well, it takes a village to…

You can steal our house, steal our bed,

but you sure as hell will not be stealing our daughter.

And if you had one iota of humanity left,

you'd bugger off back to whatever wretched hole you crawled out of.

I have spent my entire life

wondering what it would be like to see you again.

And somehow it's even more disappointing than I imagined.

Well, if that's how you feel… Yes.

That's how we all feel.

I'm sorry.

That was weird.

I heard what you did to Kwams.

That was an accident.

If you want an outsider's perspective…

I don't, really.

..London seems to have made you into, like, a bit of a douche.

Just saying.

See ya.

You're right. I AM a huge douche.

Yeah, you ran away and didn't talk to me for a year.

I know.

Can I just monologue for a bit? Do you mind?

OK. OK.

Kissing Kwame literally felt like I was kicking a puppy with my mouth.

I just deliberately sent off this menu with titties

and some bacon to this Nordic idiot that I knew…

..I knew he wouldn't like it, but I did it anyway, right?

And then I abused him for proving me right.

But none of that even comes close

to as bad as how I've treated you.

God, I've just, like, had this, like…

..this pain in my chestal area for, like, a whole, entire year

because I didn't know how to say sorry to you,

even though I am really sorry.

I just had my head so far out my own arse,

it's, like, not even funny.

I had that chest thing too.

I genuinely thought it was a heart condition,

so my dad made me go to his cardiologist friend

and I had to do this stress test thing

and it turns out I'm just unfit.

But my dad actually cried with relief on the way home.

But when I told him that I thought that the pain

could be from anxiety I'd manifested after breaking up with you…

..he kicked me out of the car and made me walk home, so…

I'm sorry. Sorry. No, I'm sorry.

I am sorry.

I heard your conversation with Harry.

I was peeing in a bush. You were peeing…

Look, you can't compromise your food, Di,

or this limp-dick chef will win, OK?

Zero dick policy.

The day of the dick is done. Capisce?

OK.

Love you. Love you, too.

Viggo, I'll call you back. I'll call you back.

I think I bought us more time.

These dishes look great.

Yeah, I think Viggo will really get them,

and they make much more sense for London.

Harry…

..I don't think I make sense for London.

What do you mean?

I'm so sorry.

And what goes well with pickles?

I mean, cheese? Shit.

Pickles.

My own "made with waste produce" pickles.

Oh, that's really good.

Yeah, well, try it with my sourdough made with leftover pickling brine.

And my new IPA also has a splash of it.

What?

We could use some of my spoilt wine for pickling vinegar.

Yeah, and the rest to make small-batch smoky gin.

Now, that's actually…

Genius?..quite clever.

Thank you.

I didn't tell you this morning,

I've been asked to pitch a TV idea,

and I couldn't think of anything until today.

You see where this is going? You've finally washed your socks?

Automated vegetable peeler. My own invention.

The TV concept is me at home

teaching people how to grow and cook veg, bake bread, brew beer,

upcycle, live life waste-free.

The title of the show is the Waste Warrior.

And I am the Waste Warrior.

Catchy title. I like the concept.

I just don't know why you'd want to be on television.

Well, that's the whole point.

The producers pay me to live here and do what I'm already doing.

We can use the show to advertise our pickles,

our gin, and anything else we invent.

Fame has its upside.

Very clever. I know.

Bye. Bye.

See? I told you. No need to shoot the messenger.

Oh, love. It's all for the best.

Mum.

I'm sorry I'm a dick.

You're not a dick. Yes, I am.

You're my dicks.

Did someone leave the washing machine on?

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation