Original subtitles

[gentle music]

[playful music]

[wardrobe crashes]

- Hey.

- Jesus Christ!

- Why are we throwing out all Pop's stuff?

He loves these mags.

- Why are you dressed like you're on

a day trip to Chernobyl?

- Yeah, but what changed his mind, though?

'Cause the other day there was no way he was gonna

let us have the restaurant here.

- Well, I talked to him.

He really loves you, you know.

- Mm-hm.

- And, uh,

he'll do whatever it takes to make your dream come true.

- Bless the bipolar old bastard.

- Actually, it's probably lucky you have that suit on.

Pretty sure whatever's sticking those pages together

has a half-life of 25,000 years.

[dolly rattling]

Okay, get out.

This room's ours now.

- I'm not moving anywhere.

- You lost all human rights after lying to me

about my mother for the past 40 years.

Now, get out of that armchair

or you're going in the skip with it.

We agreed that you can't sleep in the armchair anymore.

You've got a perfectly good bedroom down the hall

that you can die miserable and alone in.

- It was her bedroom.

And I didn't agree,

actually.

- Hey, Diana,

remember how Pop told you that Grandma died tragically young

and he lovingly buried her in the back yard?

Well, actually, he didn't.

Actually, he won't even tell me whether she's alive or dead.

For all I know, he actually drowned her in the dam.

So for your own safety,

it's better that you don't see him again.

Actually.

- You wouldn't!

- Saved you the Zulu edition, Pop,

since it's the least damaged.

- Diana, I've got something to tell you.

- Oh!

- Yeah, what?

- We have a dining room.

- Okay.

Yeah.

Perfect.

Yeah, our diners will hardly notice

the 25 year old smell of an old man whacking himself off.

[aerosol spraying]

[playful music]

- Excuse me.

I'm looking for a case of La Moulineux.

Preferably the 2009 or else the '15.

- A case?

Must be a very special occasion.

- I'm recreating a Michelin starred menu

from my first restaurant.

La Moulineux was on that menu,

so yeah, I'd say it's a special occasion.

- Oh, right.

You're, uh...

- In a hurry, yeah.

- Yeah.

- I'm assuming if I pay cash we have some wiggle room?

- [Salesman] Yeah, yeah, we can work something out.

- It's Easton West, celebrity chef.

Hello, handsome.

- I'm hardly a celebrity chef.

I work for a living.

- Ah, all cashed up, I see.

God, it was just a few days ago

you were pimping yourself out for free rent.

- I got blown by the winds of fortune, what can I say?

- Somebody actually bought your

born-again feminist bullshit?

Well done.

- No, they bought my watch.

Elton John gave me a Rolex when I got my first star.

I think he fancied me.

- Hmm.

You would have made a cute couple.

- It's allowed me to turn my father's estate

into my new restaurant.

- Hm.

- Getting back to my roots, celebrating family,

regional cuisine.

- Oh, Diana's idea.

I like that concept.

- Well, it was more of a family decision,

but nobody needs to know that.

Diana should get all the credit.

- Why are you telling me, then?

- Just clarifying.

- Right.

Well,

now that you can pay with more than your rugged charm

and your moderately impressive penis,

I'd be happy to supply you with wine.

Don't get more regional than me.

- I haven't set the menu yet,

but when I do, I'll let you know.

- You're in luck.

I've got an unopened case of the 2015.

It's one of Bordeaux's finest.

$870 a single, I'll see what I can do for cash for a dozen.

- A dozen?

- Yeah, well it's just a

little gift to myself.

- [chuckles] Right.

Well, when you finish guzzling your $10,000 worth

of vintage sulfur dioxide all on your lonesome,

I look forward to a call.

Dave, that's the new Cleanskin.

- Thanks, Margot.

Okay, so,

how much wiggle room were you thinking?

- I'll give you half.

- So Nan's gateau plus iced VoVo equals...

No.

[pen scribbling]

[door shuts nearby]

[Easton sighs]

French wine?

I thought we were sourcing local.

- [Easton] Don't you start.

- Yeah, but regional and like,

our family story, that's our whole shtick.

- Bordeaux is a region

and the only family food story I'm seeing

is you stuffing your face when you should be working.

- I'm researching.

Mum's holding my gear ransom.

I can't do anything without it.

- Well, go and get it.

- Well, I will, it's just, you know...

Bit tense at the moment since I ran away to live here.

Hey, is there enough money left over for my ingredients?

- No.

- Seriously?

Dude, that is so...

[gasps] Amazing!

Oh, my god, my first set of whites!

- Curb your enthusiasm, kid.

You only get those once you create

a world class Michelin level dessert

by this evening.

- This evening?

- I have my entree and main.

We lock the menu tonight.

- Okay.

Well, um, I've been looking through

Grandma June's recipe book and

I have found a few good ideas--

- Get out of my kitchen.

- Our kitchen.

- The answer's in the real world,

not in that fucking book.

Now, go.

Get some incredible ingredients, get inspired,

and just get out.

[Easton exhales]

[Easton sighs]

Go!

[playful music]

[woman chattering nearby]

[playful music]

- What the actual?

My room...

Oh, my god.

[playful music]

Oh!

You arse-bucket.

- [Brett] What do we do if she changes her mind,

comes home, sees all her stuff gone?

- Well, she moved out, Brett.

We're doing her a favor boxing up her things.

- Ah.

- And we're teaching her a valuable life lesson.

- Really?

What's the lesson, Denise?

- Well, I think it's pretty obvious.

- Right.

- So, grab that blue thing.

Whatever that is.

- It's a dough scraper, doofus.

- I think it's a dough scraper.

Why don't I just take all her stuff

and drop it off to her?

- [Denise] Because.

- Oh, yeah, wouldn't want to spoil the lesson.

- No, it...

Excuse me.

- It'd be nice to have the house to ourselves

for a bit, eh?

- Mm.

- Finally get to walk around naked

and scratching my...

You...

- You know what?

You can keep my shit.

Yeah, I'm sure it'll come in handy.

Oh!

That's right.

You can't cook.

You cock-womble.

- You are not a cock-womble.

[playful music]

[table bangs]

- [breathless] Okay, one...

Fucking ridiculous.

[piano plonks]

[playful music]

[gate creaks]

[TV playing]

[ladder bangs]

- Hey!

Hey!

- I'm taking the shed.

You can have your valuable crap back.

- Nah!

I gave you my lounge room!

You're not having my shed!

- Yes, I am, actually.

And until you tell me where Mum is,

you can stay in there.

- Put it back!

[pounds wall]

Ah!

Listen...

I did nothing to your mother, you silly little sod.

Who do you think I am?

Blaming me for everything.

Anyway, if we played happy bloody family,

you'd never have run away and become mister big dick

whoever you think you are, so show a little gratitude and

[pounding wall]

put the ladder back!

Oi!

Jimmy!

- Di, where have you been?

I've had the worst day

and I've literally been needing to pee for hours.

I thought about peeing in my KeepCup.

- Ew.

Well, I've had a fuck-tangular day, too.

Easton wants me to come up with, like,

this Michelin star dessert by tonight.

I've got no ingredients, no gear, and like,

complete, total baker's block.

- So that's why you're here?

- Please help me?

Please?

- Don't do that baby thing.

It's humiliating for both of us.

- You always know what to do.

Please, I need your big, beautiful, rational brain.

Please.

[keys jangle]

- The baking gear's at the back of my mum's car.

Summertime the cemetery has blackberries.

Start there.

- Thank you so much.

I love you.

Thank you, thank you.

- Di.

You know the only reason I do this hot buns thing

is to hang out with you, right?

So if you're just gonna bail on me,

what's the point?

- Oh, my god.

I just had the most rad idea.

You come work with me at June's.

Then we'll be together literally all the time.

- Um, I don't know.

All the time is a lot--

- Done!

You are hired!

Congratulations!

You just became our first unpaid employee-slash-volunteer!

Yay!

- Di, please stop squeezing me.

I'm about to pee myself.

- Yay! - Hey, excuse me.

Sorry to interrupt.

Uh, we're giving away free tastings

of our hot cross bell buns.

- I've literally been waiting my entire life

to hear those words.

[he laughs]

- The bun is actually injura.

- Thank you, Jesus, for this African-Asian fusion.

[he laughs]

Amen.

- I'm Kwame.

- I know who you are.

- So, do you like it?

- It reflecteth the maker.

Hot, spicy, and I want it in my mouth.

[Kwame laughs]

- Quite the seal of approval, Kwams.

- Ah.

- I had no idea it was culinary royalty

selling cakes to our customers.

Not that being related to Easton West's

anything to brag about, I guess.

You're brave working for him.

- Oh, no, actually, I um,

I don't work for him, I'm...

He doesn't do pastry,

so I'm sort of heading up that section, actually.

- Clever.

- Mm.

- You're perfect.

Young, female, family.

Haven't assaulted anyone with a pig.

- Oh, yet!

- Ah! - Ah! [laughs]

- Where are you setting up shop?

- Oh, my Pop's place, actually.

Yeah, um, we're sort of going for this, like,

radical chef's table-y kind of thing.

Seasonal, experimental.

Super personal food.

Yeah.

You should come to the opening.

- I wouldn't miss it.

- [Diana] Awesome.

- These are on for Monday.

Well done.

- Seriously?

- Good luck, Diana.

- [Diana] Thanks.

- You'll need it.

- You.

[Kwame scoffs]

I mean, I wasn't gonna bring it up, but

you sorta owe me big time, I mean,

I definitely just got your buns in his oven.

- Whatever I can do.

- You like cemeteries?

[playful music]

- [Brett] This stuff over here.

- Why'd you let him out?

- Ah!

- He was stuck inside a giant bin.

[Easton sighs]

- From you, sir, I will take satisfaction.

- Really?

[chairs bang]

- Referee's baton.

- Referee?

- No biting, no kicking, no gouging.

First man square on his back loses, agreed?

- Agreed.

- Uh, no, no, no,

I'm just here to drop Di's baking gear off.

I'm not refereeing.

- Denise used to ref, but in her absence, it's you.

- Referee, call engage.

- Engage?

[upbeat music]

- Oh, Fuck!

Ref, that's against the rules.

- Mate, I'm not refereeing.

Youse two should cut it out, youse are grown men.

- You just watch him, he's a liar and a cheat.

- Yeah, toughen up, you little turd.

- Engage.

[upbeat music]

- Ah, you really got your knickers in a knot.

- [Easton] And you're a lying old bastard!

- [Jim] Ah, you poxy whelp!

- [Easton] Where is she then?

- [Jim] No idea!

Oh!

[upbeat music]

[Jim shouting]

- Whoa!

- I win.

Ow!

What the fuck?

Why'd you hit me with the stick?

- Well, what's it for?

- Landed on my side, ref.

Doesn't count.

- Ah, for...

- Yeah, it was his side.

That's enough the pair of youse.

I don't know what this bullshit is about,

but I call it a draw.

- No such thing as a draw.

- Yes, there is.

[upbeat music]

[both growling]

Oh, what the fuck?

- I didn't kill her!

She walked out on me!

And you!

- Liar!

- Oh, you selfish little turd,

you think you're the only one she hurt?

- I don't understand!

Ah!

[Easton grunts]

- I win!

Ah!

- Jesus!

- Oh...

- I have no idea what this is about,

but you two should be bloody ashamed of yourselves.

It's a testament to Denise

that she turned out the way she did

with you two as role models.

I should've left you in the bin.

- Oh!

- [Brett] And make sure Diana gets her stuff.

- I bet you didn't think you'd end up in the boneyard today.

- My mum's buried here, actually.

- Oh, shit, I'm so sorry.

I don't know why I said...

[Kwame laughs]

That was a dick move!

I kinda liked it.

- So you could do a clever tea with those blackberries?

- Yeah.

I mean,

my clever tea will make you smile,

but I kinda want something that'll make you squeal.

- I wonder who they all were.

- Mm, this person was a school principal.

They were 46.

- Beloved wife, 81.

- Mother of eight.

Geez.

52!

My god, imagine putting your vagina through all that,

then dropping dead.

Uh-uh, no thanks.

Being a woman sucks.

- We really don't have long, do we?

- Sorry, I got overcome with carpe diem and shit.

I think I need something other than blackberries

for this dessert.

[playful music]

- [Denise] Where have you been?

- [laughing] You know where I've been.

- God, why are you undermining me?

- Oh, god...

- I'm her mother.

- And who am I, her orthodontist?

You know, I've picked her up, dropped her off,

made her dinners.

I've cheered through every minute of her

year 11 netball team season of 22 straight losses.

I know I'm not her real dad,

he wasn't around for any of that,

but I've parented her plenty.

Far out, Denise.

- Doesn't excuse what you've done.

- You are just like your father and brother.

As they say, rise above.

- I am not like them.

- Okay, good.

- And who says "rise above?"

- I don't know.

Pole vaulters.

Astronauts.

High jumpers.

[table scraping]

- I'm gonna fix that up and use it.

- No, it's mine, you can't have it.

- You can't live in the shed.

It's unhygienic.

- Oh, but it's all right for a dining room, is it?

- You have a bedroom.

- Her bedroom!

- Where is she?

For God's sake, the least you can do

is tell me if she's still alive.

- Don't know.

You were just kids.

I couldn't tell you the truth.

- Well, what is the truth?

- I told you.

She packed up and left.

She hated all of this.

The trees, the birds, the wind, me.

Being a mother.

And she fucking hated cooking,

so I don't know how you got that idea in your head.

The woman never cooked a meal in her life.

- What are you talking about?

She loved cooking.

You gave me her recipe book,

the one that Diana's got.

- I bought that recipe book at a garage sale.

I've no idea whose it was.

Didn't have the heart to tell you or Diana.

- She was my mum.

- She was my wife.

I suppose I better find a new bedroom.

[chair bangs]

[Diana laughing]

- Okay, wait, I can't get it.

Hold it, okay.

Have you ever done that before?

- No.

You?

- Only with a shower head.

Dude, we totally just popped our cherries.

- Popped our cherries?

- Sorry, um...

Bumped our uglies?

- That doesn't quite capture the magic

of what just happened.

- Okay, how about...

How about voted my hymen off the island?

- Much more romantic.

- God, they make sex in cars

look way easier in the movies, eh?

- Huh.

- Speaking of being rooted, I have to explain to Easton

why I didn't do my homework 'cause I was

waylaid by a handsome stranger.

- Don't mention my name to him, please.

- You'll be my little secret, Kwams.

[Diana sighs]

[upbeat music]

[pages rustling]

[flames crackling]

Um, wow!

Holy shizz-balls!

Dude, this is amazing.

This is way better than the living room.

This is exactly what I imagined, but better.

- Tell me you had a breakthrough.

- You could say that.

Marie Antoine Creme

is gonna creme her goddamn pants.

- His pants.

History's greatest pastry chef was a man, Diana.

- Not anymore.

This is my dessert.

This is the story of me losing my virginity today.

Well, this afternoon, actually.

I wasn't expecting it, it just,

I don't know, it just happened.

- Why?

- Well, I mean, it had to happen sooner or later.

So this is a hills fruit tart

with a fruity croup cereal creme anglaise on the side

and you put it in the hole on top

and that symbolizes,

well, you know. [laughs]

- Is this some kind of a joke?

- Uh...

No.

This is

a coming of age story, you know,

moving from child into adulthood, um--

- I asked for something original,

not some crass millennial confessional vulgarity.

- No, this is original.

I've never seen anything like this.

- Yeah, and no one ever will.

This is the culinary equivalent

of drawing a cock and balls on your school desk.

- Oh.

Okay.

The...

The pastry is your mum's recipe.

I just thought we were doing this radical--

[bangs table]

- We are a fine dining restaurant!

- Yeah, okay.

Sorry.

- You honestly thought

you could just put on chef whites

and become a professional chef, didn't you?

It takes a fucking lifetime

of dedication, sacrifice, and hard work.

- I will...

I'll do better, I--

- If you really want to take it to the next level,

you need to stop fannying around

and start listening to me, got it?

Say yes or no.

- Yes, Chef.

- Good.

Go.

[plate bangs]

[Diana sobs]

[Diana cries]

[head bangs]

- Ow.

[gentle music]

[TV playing]

[bottle pops]

- To June West.

You horrible old cow.

[gentle music]