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[MUSIC PLAYING]
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[CHATTER]
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DAVID SEDARIS: I consider
myself very fortunate
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that I can rewrite a story
and edit a story in front
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of an audience.
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Rose, we know each other.
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When did we last see each other?
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You know, you can't count on
your friends to be honest.
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You can pretty much count
on an audience to be honest.
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They're not going
to laugh if they
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don't think something's funny.
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You're 58?
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I absolutely don't believe that.
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It's an honor to meet you.
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Now have you ever eaten horse?
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I have no interest,
thank you very much.
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What if I snuck it by you?
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You're sitting in a dark room.
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They know you can't see them.
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They're under no obligation
to have that [INAUDIBLE]
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of pleasure on their face
the way that they would
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if you were in a
brightly lit room.
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ANNOUNCER: Please welcome
to the stage, David Sedaris.
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[ANNOUNCER]
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I was in Baton
Rouge in late May 2013
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when a woman approached
saying before I had a chance
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to throw her off balance you
got me to put my bra back on.
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[LAUGHTER]
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I set down my pen.
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I beg your pardon?
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I take it off the second
I get home from work,
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and that usually means it's
off for the night she told me.
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Means I'm not going
anywhere for any reason.
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Then a friend called and told me
you were here, so I put it back
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on and dashed over to see you.
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[LAUGHTER]
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Well, thank you I said.
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I repeated the woman's story the
following evening in Atlanta,
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thinking it might
get a nice response.
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It did, but the laughs
were ones of recognition
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rather than surprise.
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Do you take your bra off the
moment you return from work
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I asked the first
person in line.
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That particular diary
entry, I read it
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on stage a number of
times, and I really
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liked the way that it worked.
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And then I mentioned
it the next night.
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And women came up and said I
take my bra first thing I--
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when I come off work,
and it means I'm not
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going anywhere for any reason.
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And all these women came
forward with these stories.
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And I met women who
said I take my bra off
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on my way home from work.
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And I said you pull over.
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And they say, no, I
do it while driving.
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And they explained
how that happens.
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And I just thought it was
funny because I grew up
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with four sisters and
a mother, and I never
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knew this was going on.
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So that was kind of
a theme for the tour.
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And then on another
tour, the theme
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was people defecating in stores.
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People do it all the time.
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They go to the dressing
room at the Gap,
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and they defecate on the floor.
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And it happens every store.
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You talk to anyone who
works in a clothing store,
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and it has happened there.
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So that was a theme.
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Sometimes you can take incidents
and stitch them together
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and make a story, make
an essay that way.
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And I guess I just think of
them as kitchen sink essays.
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I mean, you've got all
these things lying around,
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and you just find a way to
assemble them and connect them
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so that they have meaning.
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[CHATTER]
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On my next book tour,
the theme was monkeys,
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and on the latest
one, it was items
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men shove inside
themselves and later have
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to go to the emergency
room to have extracted.
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This started when
an ER nurse told me
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about a patient she
had seen earlier
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in the week who had pushed
a dildo too far up his ass.
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The door shut behind it.
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[LAUGHTER]
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So he tried fishing it
out with a coat hanger.
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When that proved the
wrong tool for the job,
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he snipped it with
wire cutters then
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went after both the
dildo and the cut
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off hanger with a
sturdier fresh hanger.
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You hear this from doctors
and nurses all the time.
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Their patients
shove light bulbs up
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inside themselves, shampoo
bottles, votive candles.
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And they always concoct
some incredible story
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to explain their predicament.
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I tripped is a big one.
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I mean, OK, I'm pretty clumsy.
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I trip all the time.
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But I've never gotten back on
my feet with a pepper grinder
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up my ass.
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[LAUGHTER]
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Not even a little bit.
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I'm pretty sure I
could tumble down
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all the stairs in the
Empire State Building
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naked with a greased up
pepper grinder in each hand
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and a box of candles
around my neck
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and still end up in the
lobby with an empty rectum.
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[LAUGHTER]
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So I got all these really
great stories about things
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that men have shoved
up their asses, and--
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but that doesn't
make an essay, right,
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unless let's say I were to
start shoving things up my ass
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and I could--
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then I could turn
it into an essay.
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But I didn't know what to do
with all these great stories,
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and so I collected them
and then I stitched it
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to another theme that
developed over on my book tour.
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So I've got to try to go back
and forth so I can kind of have
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sustained laughs instead of,
oh, the first half was funny
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and the second half
people coughed.
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People coughing is the deadly--
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you know, that's the last
thing that you-- that's
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the audience telling
you that if they
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were reading this on paper,
they would be skimming now.
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So I made notes on
everything I read tonight.
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I got an idea of how to
join them together again,
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and I jotted it
down on my paper.
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And I'm going to go
back to the room,
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and I'm going to hope I
can read my handwriting.
9439
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