Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I have a sister named Tiffany who committed suicide.

And my sisters and I--

we weren't necessarily thinking of her as mentally ill.

We thought of her as difficult, really difficult,

and unpredictable, and volatile.

But after she died--

I have a guide to my diary, so I have all the diaries numbered.

And I don't have everything on the guide that's in the diary,

because most of what's in my diary

is boring and really, to tell you the truth,

I'm just writing it down because I'm

compelled to writing it down.

But now and then, something happens, and I think,

oh, that's pretty good, and I put it in my diary guide.

So after Tiffany died, I was together

with my brother and sisters and I put Tiffany

into the search engine.

And what came up was a portrait.

April 6, 1979, Tiffany shows up at dad's birthday party

with a black eye.

Tiffany spent Halloween on an army base.

Tiffany in a car accident driving somebody else's car

with no license.

Tiffany thrown out of her apartment in Harlem.

When you read it all together, it was a portrait.

I don't know that you could find a better portrait of a mentally

ill person.

And so it's interesting to go back through that diary guide.

And then I did the same with my sister Lisa, who I adore,

and I think she's terribly funny.

And it's funny, just with just little short snippet, three

or four word not even sentences, the accurate portrait that

was formed over 40 years time.

And another great thing about a diary

is it really is going to help you win arguments,

because you can say, really?

That's not what you said on July 17.

On July 17, you said you didn't want to buy another house.

And now you're saying you do?

A diary is good for me.

I always write down everything I give everyone for Christmas

and how much it cost and then what they gave me.

So come Christmastime, I can look and I can say,

well, this is how much money I spent on her,

and then she gave me three paper flowers,

so maybe we need to re-evaluate for this Christmas.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I've had so many people come up over the years

and say, well, your poor family, and I wouldn't

want to be your friend.

You'll just write anything about people.

And that's not true at all.

It's such a balancing act when you're

writing about a real person.

Everybody has their secrets, and I do not

want to expose anyone's secrets.

A lot of times, when people are inclined to say, well,

that's not true, that didn't happen,

if you were able to explain in your essay

that this person was an alcoholic, or a drug addict,

or a schizophrenic, people would think, oh, that makes sense.

But maybe you don't want to expose them,

so you leave that out, so you've got somebody who's

sort of behaving erratically.

And the reader will think, gosh, what's up with that?

This is obviously a troubled person.

Why didn't he mention that?

But again, it's I don't want to make it hard for anybody

at their place of business.

I don't want to embarrass anybody.

Whenever I write about someone in my family,

I give it to them first.

And I say, is there anything you want

me to change or get rid of?

And I feel like I have a pretty good understanding

of what they would object to.

But every now and then, I'm taken by surprise.

Every now and then, somebody will say, oh,

I don't really want anyone knowing

that I used to wear glasses.

It can be something that small, and I'll say, oh, OK.

I'll take that out.

An exception is my father.

I did an interview for "The New York Times"

when my last book came out, and the journalist

said, Well, you said some things about your dad

in the book that seem pretty rough.

What does he think?

And I said, I thought he'd be dead by the time the book came

out.

He's 96.

It's a reasonable expectation.

But when I write about them, too, people in the audience

will laugh and they think they're laughing at,

let's say, my brother Paul, but they're not.

My brother Paul--

I'm quoting him saying funny things.

He's not an idiot.

He knows those things are funny.

Those are his laughs.

And it bothers me sometimes that people

think that it's otherwise.

So when I'm writing about people I know,

I feel like I'm trying to celebrate them

to the best of my ability.

I've written a lot about my mother over the years.

My mother died in 1992.

She was 62 years old.

And I feel like my duty as a writer

is to make everybody see how wonderful my mother was.

I want people in Korea to like my mother.

I want people in Turkey to like my mother.

And all those languages that the books come out in.

That means a lot to me, that people could see her

the way that I did.

And as a writer, you have that power.

But when you first start off, when

you're writing about someone you know,

especially if you're going to be slightly critical of someone

you know, it's pretty common to say,

oh, she's really beautiful.

She's so beautiful, and so funny.

Too bad she's a kleptomaniac.

But it just reads as you flattering the person

before you get to the real heart of the issue.

And I've seen that a hundred times, a thousand times.

So you have to be really careful of that.

So many people have come up and said, gosh, you

really hate your family.

And I think I love my family and I

think it's written on every page, but I never say--

I've never written that I love my family.

But to a lot of people, unless you say that--

I love my family--

you don't love them.

But there's nothing I can do about that because I'm not

going to say I love my family to show you that I love my family.

And you can show people that you love your friends.

You can make a reader feel about someone the way

that you feel about that person.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

CREWPERSON 1: All right.

Picture's up.

And roll sound.

Roll camera.

CREWPERSON 2: 204, take one.

Apple charlie common mark.

Take a mark.

Wasn't that disappointing, like, you know what to expect?

CREWPERSON 1: Quiet on the set.

I'm often asked, what does your family feel when you write

about them, or how do you write about someone

who you're close to?

And so I thought I would bring my sister, Lisa, here,

who I've written about quite a few times,

and find out from her.

Well, I don't mind it when you write about me anymore

because usually, I've done something questionable

and you write about it, and I can't stop laughing at myself.

And one of the examples of that is in "Naked," "I Like Guys."

And when we went to Greece, I completely

abandoned you when we got off the flight,

and started parting my hair on the side, covering my eye,

and instantly had a terrible Brooklyn accent.

And I just abandoned you, and you had such

an emotionally difficult time.

But all I could do was laugh at myself.

And that's pretty much what I do when you write about me,

is I just laugh.

But you, I think of all of us in the family,

have the best sense of humor about yourself.

I think it depends on how it's delivered.

If somebody were to say to you, hey, thanks a lot

for abandoning me in Greece, then you'd be like, ugh.

But if I say, gosh, remember the time, and all of sudden

you were speaking with this New York accent,

and you changed your hairstyle even,

then you're like, oh, my god.

That's so--

[LAUGHS]

I don't know.

You can kind of step back in a way, so a lot of times

when people say to me, I tried writing about my sister

and she got furious at me, I always

think, well, what did you write?

Another thing I didn't think about when I started

writing about the family--

and I know you told me about this years ago,

that you'll go to a dinner party, and people will say,

I know all about you.

I know everything about you.

But if you said, OK, what do you know?

They know you have a parrot.

They know that we went to a firing range together.

It's not like they know intimate details about your life.

Well, just one.

In "Naked," when you wrote about the US Open,

you and I were someplace and you had done a reading.

And after the reading, everybody got together

and they were playing this game.

And so somebody said, when did Lisa Sedaris become a woman?

And somebody said, the golf course.

And then you were in shock.

And then he said, well, what hole?

14th hole.

And you looked at me and you apologized.

You said, I had no idea that this was going to happen.

But it was a trivia contest that the book store

was holding.

It was a trivia--

exactly.

Because I wrote that essay, the "Women's Open,"

about you had your first period on the golf course.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because I know someone put together a book--

it was like an anthology--

of menstrual stories.

And I think they approached me to ask

you to write a story about it because they were angry at me

that I would have broken your menstrual--

that I would have told that story.

But that's something I never anticipated.

And I know what happens with Paul a lot,

because Paul loved to be written about.

But then he became trapped in amber, in a way.

And people are like, do the rooster.

Say this, say that.

And that story that I wrote, maybe it

came out in like 2001 or something, that story

about Paul.

And as you know, Paul's changed a lot since then.

And I can see how irritating it would be.

He'd want to say to people, can I grow?

Do you mind if I change a bit, that I

don't remain the person who you insist that I was?

And that's something I had never anticipated.

I like the fact that sometimes, you'll send me

stories in the mail to read.

You know, what do you think about this?

A lot of times, it'll have me in it,

and you'll be concerned about did I get this right

or whatever.

So I appreciate that.

And then there have a been couple times

where you surprised me.

And the last time you came to Winston-Salem,

you surprised me with a story that

started off with Starbucks.

And then I later told you did I had a problem with something

in there.

And even though I don't think you got why I had a problem,

you changed it.

Yeah.

It didn't occur to me.

I know there are certain things that we've never necessarily

talked about it, but I'm just assuming

there are things you don't want me writing about.

Right, exactly.

But this was something that just surprised me

because I wrote this essay, and "The New Yorker"

said, can you get into it a little quicker?

And I thought, oh, here's an easy way.

And it didn't occur to me that it was something

that you were sensitive about.

Right.

But you still changed it.

Yeah, I changed it.

I feel like it's corrupt to then try to say, well,

it's not like people--

it's not like that many people you know are going to read it,

or it's not like--

because it's possible.

It would be possible for me to break you down.

Do you feel self-conscious when we're together?

Do you worry that anything you say is fodder for--

do you hold back?

Well, you usually give me a signal.

And that is, we'll be taking a walk,

and you'll start laughing and pull out your notebook.

Then once you pull out your notebook and make a notation,

I say to myself, oh, boy.

What did I say?

Where is it going to turn up?

But yeah, so I'm usually aware when you're going

to write something about me.

But do you always feel dread?

That's an interesting question.

I don't think so, not anymore, because you

are gentle with your descriptions of what's

happening and I don't have to be afraid

that you're going to hurt me in your writing.

Like I say, most of the time you make

me take a really good look at myself and I crack up.

And I did buy you a beach house.

And you did buy us a beach house,

and you got a book out of that.

Yeah, I did get a complete book out of the beach house.

[LAUGHS]

Sorry.

I did.

But when people say that, like when

they say, how can your family stand it when you write?

I say, I bought them a beach house.

But I feel like every time we get together

at the beach as a family, there's a story there--

every time.

And sometimes, I can't write that story

because it would hurt somebody.

But it always bothers me when people

act like I'll write about anything because I would have

written those stories if it was true

that I'd write about anything.

Sometimes when you look back on a beach trip or a get-together,

there's a glaring theme to it.

But it's not anything that you could--

Write about?

Write about.

Luckily, there's always a subtheme, a comic subtheme.

But like when we go to the beach,

Amy organizers those spa nights.

My favorite thing.

And we've got someone doing our toes, and we've got--

Japanese masks.

Yeah, and we've got towels wrapped on our heads.

Cucumbers.

And I always wanted to write about that because I always

think about that when people say,

your family's so dysfunctional.

It's like, we get spa treatments together at home at the beach

house.

How could that possibly be-- that's such a beautiful thing

to me--

It is.

--because we've got cucumbers on our eyes,

and we've got towels over our heads,

and I just like how it's almost like beach blanket talk to me.

It's that kind of lazy, drifting.

The things that are said are just

so loose and so unexpected.

And Amy's so funny.

That's Amy's night.

Yeah.

Amy is funny, like weapon-grade funny.

When Amy's around, you laugh until you hurt

and you're sore the next day.

And it can just--

On our final evening at the beach over the Thanksgiving

weekend, Amy and my niece, Madeline,

usually host a spa night.

They dress in uniforms and let it be known beforehand

that clients are expected to tip, and generously.

Facials are given and Kathy offers foot massages.

The treatments feel great, but the best part

is listening to Amy, who plays the role of the supervisor.

This year, while massaging clay into my father's face,

she asked him if he was alone this evening

or with his gay lover.

I know that a lot of men, such as yourself,

also like their testicles waxed, Amy said.

If that is of any interest to you,

sir, I can get my trainee, Madeline, right on it.

Maddie, are you up for this?

And so subversive.

Not just insisting that our father is gay,

but that his 12-year-old granddaughter might want

to rip the hair off his balls.

Before the clay is rubbed into our faces,

we're outfitted in shower caps.

And afterward, while it dries, we

lie back with cucumber slices on our eyes.

It's easier to write about people that you love.

That said, relationships can be complicated.

And it's harder to write about something

when it's complicated.

The one thing I regret writing--

if I could take it back--

I wrote an essay about my French teacher in Paris.

Oh, right.

And she would throw chalk at people, and mocked them,

and she poked a Korean girl in the eye with a pencil

and told her to wake up or go back to Seoul.

And but I didn't write that we adored her because I was lazy

and it would be too complicated.

I thought, well gosh.

How do you say all that and say that we loved her?

And so I thought, well, I'll just leave that part out.

And that's why I regret it because it would

have been such a richer story.

And they're always richer when you can add

that element of complication.

It's hard to talk about the complication, but I don't know.

It's really important, and ultimately, really, I

think it makes the essay more relatable.

Like when dad said, she was my mother and I loved her,

that's not telling us anything.

And I know, also, dad got mad when I wrote that story

about mom's drinking.

But I think what he didn't understand

was that people still love her.

It's not like you say--

and I'm not saying even that's a bad thing.

But you discuss one fault, and then people

are going to think like, ugh, I don't like that person.

I think it makes her more complicated

and but it doesn't diminish her in any way, I don't think.

No.

And I've heard from so many people

after that essay came out.

And a woman came up to me in a book signing and said,

I'm the woman you described in your essay.

She said, I'm a late-in-life alcoholic.

And when you read that essay tonight, I thought, oh, my god.

That's how my children see me.

And but I've heard from a number of--

and it's not like you're writing like,

oh, my mother was an alcoholic, and she abused us,

and blah, blah, blah.

It wasn't that.

Lots of really good people are alcoholics.

They're really good people, but they just

can't seem to stop drinking.

I don't know.

I just wanted, when I wrote that,

to insist that she's still a loving person.

She's still a wonderful mother.

It's just, she had this problem.

And one of the things I regret was that we couldn't help her

with it.

Right.

Well, it feels weird to have a conversation on stage

like this, but I can't think of anybody I'd rather

talk to this afternoon.

Thank you so much.

Well, thank you.

I feel the same way.

CREWPERSON 1: Thank you so much.

All right.

CREWPERSON 1: That was wonderful.

Well, it was fun.

CREWPERSON 1: Yeah.

David said I would have fun.

CREWPERSON 2: Cut.

I was with Lisa at a Starbucks in the airport in Las Vegas,

and I left her alone for, I don't know, 20 seconds.

And I came back, and the person behind the counter said,

My gynecologist told me the exact same thing.

And I'm thinking, what on earth?

What on earth were you two talking about?

She can get into it really quickly with somebody.

I so admire her skill as a conversationalist.

And she's genuinely interested in people,

and I think people can tell that it's genuine.

And so when they respond to her, they're warm

and they're really giving of themselves.

She's a wonderful person to spend time with.

And Lisa is the kind of person who makes essays happen.

I've written so many essays about being with her.

And every time I've gone to visit her,

or when we get together at the beach,

I just always feel like there's enough there afterwards

to write an entire essay.

And it's effortless.

It's effortless.

My-- go out of my way to make people

think that I'm fond of her.

I think it's very clear that I am,

and I've been a very fortunate person, that I'm

fond of everybody in my family.

It's much easier to write about people

you're fond of than it is people who you don't like.

And I published a book, my diary book that came out,

and I ran into somebody from Chicago.

And they said, I couldn't believe

you mentioned so-and-so.

You didn't mention so-and-so.

And I said, well, I don't want to run

into somebody who I've said horrible things about in print.

I don't want to have to worry when I walk into a room

that there's going to be somebody there angry.

I don't like to write about people

who I don't like until they die, and I'm

delighted when they die.

I talked to somebody a while ago and they

said, Isn't it just awful when people are living?

And I knew exactly what they meant.