subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for Bo Burnham - 2013 - what ENG

Afrikaans

Akan

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bemba

Bengali

Bihari

Bosnian

Breton

Bulgarian

Cambodian

Catalan

Cebuano

Cherokee

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch Download

English

Esperanto

Estonian

Ewe

Faroese

Filipino

Finnish

French

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek

Guarani

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Interlingua

Irish

Italian

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Kinyarwanda

Kirundi

Kongo

Korean

Krio (Sierra Leone)

Kurdish

Kurdish (Soranî)

Kyrgyz

Laothian

Latin

Latvian

Lingala

Lithuanian

Lozi

Luganda

Luo

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mauritian Creole

Moldavian

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Montenegrin

Nepali

Nigerian Pidgin

Northern Sotho

Norwegian

Norwegian (Nynorsk)

Occitan

Oriya

Oromo

Pashto

Persian

Polish

Portuguese (Brazil)

Portuguese (Portugal)

Punjabi

Quechua

Romanian

Romansh

Runyakitara

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Serbo-Croatian

Sesotho

Setswana

Seychellois Creole

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhalese

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish

Spanish (Latin American)

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Tatar

Telugu

Thai

Tigrinya

Tonga

Tshiluba

Tumbuka

Turkish

Turkmen

Twi

Uighur

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Wolof

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,878 - Bo. - What? 2 00:00:02,962 --> 00:00:04,922 - I bet you can't do this. 3 00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:08,509 - ♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪ 4 00:00:08,592 --> 00:00:11,136 ♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪ 5 00:00:11,219 --> 00:00:15,891 ♪ And on his farm, he had a pig ♪ 6 00:00:15,975 --> 00:00:18,978 ♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪ 7 00:00:19,060 --> 00:00:20,938 ♪ With a here ♪ 8 00:00:20,980 --> 00:00:23,231 ♪ And a there ♪ 9 00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:27,987 ♪ And Old MacDonald had a farm ♪ 10 00:00:28,069 --> 00:00:31,657 ♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪ 11 00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:41,416 - This is Bo Burnham. 12 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:44,503 He's 22 years old. 13 00:00:44,586 --> 00:00:46,881 He's a male. 14 00:00:46,964 --> 00:00:48,966 And he looks like the genetic product 15 00:00:49,048 --> 00:00:53,846 of a giraffe having sex with Ellen DeGeneres. 16 00:00:53,929 --> 00:00:58,684 He has a gigantic head and tiny nipples. 17 00:00:58,767 --> 00:01:02,145 He's isolated himself over the last five years 18 00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:04,398 in pursuit of comedy 19 00:01:04,481 --> 00:01:08,819 and, in doing so, has lost touch with reality. 20 00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:14,867 You're an asshole, Bo. 21 00:01:14,950 --> 00:01:17,786 You hear me? 22 00:01:17,870 --> 00:01:20,831 You think you know better than me. 23 00:01:20,915 --> 00:01:24,793 You think you know better than everybody. 24 00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:27,504 You will die alone. 25 00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:30,465 And you will deserve it. 26 00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:32,467 But in the meantime, you might as well 27 00:01:32,551 --> 00:01:36,638 tell those silly jokes of yours. 28 00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:39,433 See if that helps. 29 00:01:44,980 --> 00:01:50,736 ♪ ♪ 30 00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:53,989 - ♪ You used to do comedy ♪ 31 00:01:54,073 --> 00:01:57,034 ♪ When you felt like being funny ♪ 32 00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,954 ♪ But now you're contractually obligated ♪ 33 00:02:00,037 --> 00:02:04,666 ♪ So dance, you fucking monkey ♪ 34 00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:06,085 ♪ Dance, monkey, dance ♪ 35 00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:07,669 ♪ Welcome to the show ♪ 36 00:02:07,753 --> 00:02:09,463 ♪ This is Bo, this is his show ♪ 37 00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:12,257 ♪ And Bo wants to dance like this ♪ 38 00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:13,717 ♪ Welcome to the show ♪ 39 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:15,302 ♪ This is Bo, this is his show ♪ 40 00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:18,263 ♪ And Bo takes off his pants like this ♪ 41 00:02:18,346 --> 00:02:20,975 ♪ Play an invisible drum ♪ 42 00:02:21,058 --> 00:02:24,352 ♪ Play an invisible trumpet, trumpet sound ♪ 43 00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:26,772 ♪ Drink some invisible water ♪ 44 00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:30,191 ♪ Oh, shit, that water's real ♪ 45 00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:33,487 ♪ Bo wants to make you feel comfortable ♪ 46 00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:35,170 ♪ Bo wants to make you feel comfortable ♪ 47 00:02:35,196 --> 00:02:36,698 ♪ Random voice ♪ 48 00:02:36,782 --> 00:02:38,993 ♪ Bo wants to make you feel comfortable ♪ 49 00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:40,494 ♪ So sit back, relax ♪ 50 00:02:40,577 --> 00:02:42,245 ♪ And enjoy a healthy dose ♪ 51 00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:43,956 ♪ Of prolonged eye contact ♪ 52 00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:45,290 - ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪ 53 00:02:45,373 --> 00:02:47,084 - ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪ 54 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,335 - ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪ 55 00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:50,169 - ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪ 56 00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:51,630 - ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪ 57 00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:53,090 - ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪ 58 00:02:53,172 --> 00:02:54,341 - ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪ 59 00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:55,926 - ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪ 60 00:02:56,010 --> 00:02:57,385 - ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪ 61 00:02:57,469 --> 00:02:59,096 - ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪ 62 00:02:59,178 --> 00:03:00,347 - ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪ 63 00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:01,890 - ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪ 64 00:03:01,974 --> 00:03:03,391 - ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪ 65 00:03:03,475 --> 00:03:06,478 - ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪ 66 00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:08,105 - ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪ 67 00:03:08,147 --> 00:03:09,397 - ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪ 68 00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:10,899 - ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪ 69 00:03:10,983 --> 00:03:12,609 - ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪ 70 00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:13,986 - ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪ 71 00:03:14,069 --> 00:03:15,696 - ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪ 72 00:03:15,779 --> 00:03:18,032 - ♪ Lick your lips to make it more comforting ♪ 73 00:03:18,115 --> 00:03:20,117 ♪ Do you want to see a magic trick? ♪ 74 00:03:20,199 --> 00:03:24,163 ♪ Do you want to see a magic trick? ♪ 75 00:03:24,245 --> 00:03:26,957 ♪ Do you want to see a magic trick? ♪ 76 00:03:27,041 --> 00:03:29,001 ♪ Then pick a card, any card ♪ 77 00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:30,209 Psych. 78 00:03:30,293 --> 00:03:32,337 ♪ Magic isn't real, you idiot ♪ 79 00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:33,839 - ♪ Read a book ♪ 80 00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:35,340 - ♪ Magic isn't real, you idiot ♪ 81 00:03:35,423 --> 00:03:36,842 - ♪ Read a book ♪ 82 00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:38,205 - ♪ Magic isn't real, you idiot ♪ 83 00:03:38,259 --> 00:03:39,678 - ♪ Read a book ♪ 84 00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:40,679 - ♪ Magic isn't real ♪ 85 00:03:40,762 --> 00:03:45,517 ♪ Or is it? ♪ 86 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,561 And at that moment, 87 00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:49,813 Bo's 20-year-old cynicism 88 00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:53,901 melted into childlike wonder. 89 00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:58,780 He never knew there could be so much magic in the world. 90 00:03:58,864 --> 00:04:02,409 It's a world of possibilities, Bo. 91 00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:04,786 What do you want to do first? 92 00:04:04,870 --> 00:04:05,871 Run? 93 00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:07,998 Yeah, sure, you can run. 94 00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:09,083 Fly? 95 00:04:09,166 --> 00:04:12,377 Oh, yeah, you can fly. 96 00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:14,129 What? What are you... 97 00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:15,272 What the fuck are you do... 98 00:04:15,296 --> 00:04:16,399 What the fuck are you doing? 99 00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:18,217 Stop. Stop it. 100 00:04:18,299 --> 00:04:19,342 What the f... 101 00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:20,427 You fucking idiot. 102 00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:23,847 Stop. Stop. Stop. 103 00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:26,767 Anyways, in the distance, 104 00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:30,562 Bo saw a beautiful fairy, a fairy so beautiful 105 00:04:30,645 --> 00:04:34,066 that he felt proud about being called one in high school. 106 00:04:34,149 --> 00:04:36,026 He then came across an old bridge 107 00:04:36,110 --> 00:04:38,737 with a troll standing guard. 108 00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:42,282 Bo knew that he'd have to answer a riddle to get by. 109 00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:45,786 The troll spoke thus: 110 00:04:45,869 --> 00:04:47,471 "All right, for the last time, man, I'm not a troll. 111 00:04:47,495 --> 00:04:49,123 "I'm homeless. 112 00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:52,417 "Okay, do you have any spare change? 113 00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:54,294 "Okay, that's a used napkin. 114 00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:55,462 "I don't want that. 115 00:04:55,545 --> 00:04:56,671 "No, no, stop. 116 00:04:56,755 --> 00:04:57,857 Just... you know what? Leave. 117 00:04:57,881 --> 00:05:01,468 Just leave. Please leave." 118 00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:03,511 And then... 119 00:05:03,595 --> 00:05:06,974 as Bo arrived on the other side of the stage, 120 00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:11,728 he saw a unicorn with five horns right in front of him. 121 00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:16,191 And the pentacorn spoke thus: 122 00:05:16,275 --> 00:05:18,902 "Hello, Bo. 123 00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:20,826 I've been looking for you for quite a long..." 124 00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:40,423 He was safe for now. 125 00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:44,011 But the dark thoughts would soon return. 126 00:05:46,345 --> 00:05:48,849 - It's Godzilla! 127 00:05:56,773 --> 00:06:01,236 Oh, my God! 128 00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:17,878 - ♪ It's so hard to be a lizard ♪ 129 00:06:17,961 --> 00:06:23,342 ♪ It's hard to be a lizard ♪ 130 00:06:23,424 --> 00:06:28,513 ♪ Tiny arms, itchy gizzard ♪ 131 00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:30,431 - Why is he singing? He's a monster. 132 00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:34,811 - ♪ It's hard to be a lizard ♪ 133 00:06:37,356 --> 00:06:39,316 ♪ But it's harder to segue ♪ 134 00:06:39,398 --> 00:06:40,692 ♪ Is he skiing ♪ 135 00:06:40,775 --> 00:06:42,110 ♪ Or is he in a gay porn? ♪ 136 00:06:42,194 --> 00:06:43,486 ♪ Is he skiing ♪ 137 00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:45,364 ♪ Or is he in a gay porn? ♪ 138 00:06:45,446 --> 00:06:46,698 ♪ Is he skiing ♪ 139 00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:48,325 ♪ Or is he in a gay porn? ♪ 140 00:06:48,407 --> 00:06:49,826 ♪ Here's a hint ♪ 141 00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,286 ♪ He's in a gay porn ♪ 142 00:06:51,370 --> 00:06:53,454 ♪ Okay, Bo, this miming shit ♪ 143 00:06:53,538 --> 00:06:55,582 ♪ Is getting pretty annoying ♪ 144 00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:57,542 ♪ So give them the real thing ♪ 145 00:06:57,625 --> 00:07:03,173 - ♪ My voice is so fucking natural ♪ 146 00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:04,383 ♪ It's naturally good ♪ 147 00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:07,677 ♪ Naturally good ♪ 148 00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:10,680 ♪ Naturally good ♪ 149 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,557 - ♪ This is the end of the song ♪ 150 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,434 ♪ And the beginning of the show ♪ 151 00:07:14,517 --> 00:07:16,561 ♪ Welcome to the show ♪ 152 00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:41,771 - That lizard part was pretty fucking stupid. 153 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:44,631 Anyway... 154 00:07:44,714 --> 00:07:47,675 San Francisco, yeah. Yeah. 155 00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:49,219 We are a place. 156 00:07:49,303 --> 00:07:52,013 We are a place in California. 157 00:07:52,097 --> 00:07:54,599 I'd like to... I'd like to start 158 00:07:54,682 --> 00:07:56,184 with a joke for my male audience. 159 00:07:56,268 --> 00:07:57,370 This is a joke for the fellas. 160 00:07:57,394 --> 00:07:59,271 Where are my fellas at? Fellas? 161 00:07:59,354 --> 00:08:01,273 Yeah. 162 00:08:01,356 --> 00:08:03,042 - Yo, fellas, don't you hate it when you're blowing a guy 163 00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:04,266 and he ends up being a faggot? 164 00:08:04,318 --> 00:08:06,486 Am I right? 165 00:08:06,569 --> 00:08:09,906 I've been blowing a faggot this whole time? 166 00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:12,909 Third time this week. Thank you so much. 167 00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,328 We're having fun. 168 00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:21,293 This show is called what. 169 00:08:21,376 --> 00:08:22,656 And I hope there's some surprises 170 00:08:22,710 --> 00:08:25,172 for you or some... Jesus. Sorry. 171 00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:26,935 That's a good start. I hope there's some... 172 00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,484 - ♪ He meant to knock the water over ♪ 173 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,010 ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 174 00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:31,970 ♪ But you all thought it was an accident ♪ 175 00:08:32,053 --> 00:08:33,763 ♪ But he meant to knock the water over ♪ 176 00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:35,849 ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, art is alive ♪ 177 00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:36,933 ♪ Nothing is real ♪ 178 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,893 - So we... 179 00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:39,978 Grow up. 180 00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:41,313 Grow up with your applause. 181 00:08:41,396 --> 00:08:42,730 Stick it. 182 00:08:42,814 --> 00:08:44,441 - ♪ He meant to knock the water over ♪ 183 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:45,817 ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 184 00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:47,568 ♪ But you all thought it was an a... ♪ 185 00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:51,823 - Just don't... if it's on repeat, it will repeat. 186 00:08:51,906 --> 00:08:53,325 We can cut all this. 187 00:08:53,408 --> 00:08:54,635 - ♪ He meant to play the track again ♪ 188 00:08:54,659 --> 00:08:56,161 ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 189 00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:57,996 ♪ But you all thought it was an accident ♪ 190 00:08:58,079 --> 00:09:01,041 ♪ But he meant to play the water track again-gain-gain ♪ 191 00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:03,460 ♪ Art's still alive, nothing's still real ♪ 192 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,628 - Food jokes. Let's do some food jokes. 193 00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:08,215 Segues are weird. 194 00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:17,182 I had a hot dog for breakfast today, 195 00:09:17,265 --> 00:09:19,142 and afterwards I felt like this... 196 00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:24,105 'cause I couldn't control my stools. 197 00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:26,358 All right, Jesus. 198 00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:32,030 Glad you like poop-based puns. 199 00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:35,075 That'll be a majority of the show. 200 00:09:35,158 --> 00:09:36,493 Never waste a moment. 201 00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:39,037 Every moment can become a comedic moment. 202 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:44,292 See? So just a little lesson for comedians. 203 00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:51,049 This first song is called A World on Fire. 204 00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:58,056 This next song, it's a little bit longer than that one, and... 205 00:09:58,139 --> 00:10:00,975 Thank you. 206 00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:02,495 It's about how sad I am, and I'm really sad. 207 00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:04,479 And it's called Sad. 208 00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:11,027 It's about all the sad stuff. 209 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:14,239 Just picture a depressed onion cutting itself. 210 00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:22,322 ♪ ♪ 211 00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:29,212 ♪ I met a homeless man named Rich ♪ 212 00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:34,717 ♪ Isn't that terrible? ♪ 213 00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:37,345 ♪ I saw a flyer for a lost dog ♪ 214 00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:39,556 ♪ And the dog didn't have any legs ♪ 215 00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:42,559 ♪ I saw a diabetic kid ♪ 216 00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,269 ♪ Trick-or-treating ♪ 217 00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:46,605 ♪ I saw a giraffe who had a short neck ♪ 218 00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:48,940 ♪ That was sad or a deer ♪ 219 00:10:49,023 --> 00:10:55,029 ♪ I saw an old man get hit by a train ♪ 220 00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:59,742 ♪ He didn't see it in the pouring rain ♪ 221 00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:05,081 ♪ He didn't hear me shout, "Look out for the train." ♪ 222 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:09,794 'Cause I didn't say anything. 223 00:11:09,877 --> 00:11:13,047 ♪ ♪ 224 00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:15,133 I just thought to myself, 225 00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:19,387 "Ooh, this is gonna be sad." 226 00:11:19,471 --> 00:11:22,765 And it was. 227 00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:25,143 I'm a genius. 228 00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:33,652 ♪ I saw a man with only one eye ♪ 229 00:11:33,734 --> 00:11:36,279 ♪ ♪ 230 00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:37,947 ♪ In a 3-D movie ♪ 231 00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:40,450 ♪ I saw a little boy drop his ice cream cone ♪ 232 00:11:40,534 --> 00:11:42,327 ♪ Directly on his mother's corpse ♪ 233 00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:44,745 ♪ I saw a kitten stuck in a tree ♪ 234 00:11:44,829 --> 00:11:46,789 ♪ Then the kitten jumped off, and he hung itself ♪ 235 00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:49,876 ♪ I saw a boy who had red hair ♪ 236 00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:52,212 ♪ ♪ 237 00:11:52,295 --> 00:11:57,425 ♪ I went to a store looking for something to buy ♪ 238 00:11:57,509 --> 00:12:03,097 ♪ But they only sold paintings of the same sad guy ♪ 239 00:12:03,181 --> 00:12:04,391 ♪ No, wait ♪ 240 00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:07,477 ♪ This store sells mirrors ♪ 241 00:12:07,561 --> 00:12:09,270 ♪ See what I did there? ♪ 242 00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:10,355 Let's rock! 243 00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:11,856 No. 244 00:12:11,939 --> 00:12:15,527 ♪ ♪ 245 00:12:15,610 --> 00:12:19,656 The world's so sad, bros. 246 00:12:19,738 --> 00:12:25,662 Pain, genocide, war, sexism, racism. 247 00:12:25,744 --> 00:12:29,624 But I got to remember there's good things about it too... 248 00:12:29,708 --> 00:12:31,668 like the fact that none of that's happening to me. 249 00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:35,171 Score. 250 00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:39,008 Still, though, it's hard not to be sad about it. 251 00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:41,052 How do y'all do it? 252 00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:42,303 I've been telling you guys 253 00:12:42,387 --> 00:12:43,787 terribly sad things this whole song. 254 00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:45,306 You haven't been sad at all. 255 00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:47,100 You've been... you've been happy. 256 00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:49,603 No, you've been laughing. That's it. 257 00:12:49,686 --> 00:12:51,521 Laughter... it's the key to everything. 258 00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:54,649 It's the way to solve all the sadness in the world. 259 00:12:54,733 --> 00:12:56,168 I mean, not for the people that are actually sad 260 00:12:56,192 --> 00:12:58,032 but the people like us that got to fucking deal 261 00:12:58,069 --> 00:13:00,863 with them all the time. 262 00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:03,116 Being a comedian isn't being an insensitive prick, 263 00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:05,076 capitalizing on the most animalistic impulses 264 00:13:05,159 --> 00:13:06,160 of the public. 265 00:13:06,244 --> 00:13:08,913 It's being a hero. 266 00:13:08,996 --> 00:13:11,040 The world isn't sad. 267 00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:12,250 The world's funny. 268 00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:14,127 I'm a sociopath. 269 00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:16,588 ♪ I saw an old man slip and fall ♪ 270 00:13:16,671 --> 00:13:18,673 ♪ Hey, what a fucking idiot ♪ 271 00:13:18,757 --> 00:13:21,342 ♪ I saw a woman at her daughter's funeral ♪ 272 00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:23,470 Ha ha ha. Classic comedy. 273 00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:25,972 ♪ Everything that once was sad ♪ 274 00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:27,682 ♪ Is somehow funny now ♪ 275 00:13:27,766 --> 00:13:29,850 ♪ The Holocaust and 9/11 ♪ 276 00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:32,019 ♪ That shit's funny 24-7 ♪ 277 00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:38,318 ♪ 'Cause tragedy will be exclusively joked about ♪ 278 00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:45,032 ♪ Because my empathy is bumming me out ♪ 279 00:13:45,116 --> 00:13:49,912 ♪ Good-bye, sadness ♪ 280 00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:52,999 ♪ Hello, jokes ♪ 281 00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:57,170 ♪ ♪ 282 00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:58,797 Thank you. 283 00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:14,987 I got a really good joke about video editors. 284 00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:16,773 Video editors are so fucking... 285 00:14:16,815 --> 00:14:18,941 I think we should do a poem right now, if that's okay. 286 00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:21,569 This poem is a little bit sappy, a little bit romantic. 287 00:14:21,653 --> 00:14:23,237 So we'll get it out of the way now. 288 00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:27,908 And we will go back to the... Whoops... the dirty stuff, 289 00:14:27,992 --> 00:14:31,663 you know, everyone loves at a late show or whatever. 290 00:14:31,746 --> 00:14:32,872 Okay. 291 00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:35,291 It's called I Fuck Sluts. 292 00:14:38,419 --> 00:14:39,838 It's not a roll call, but thank you. 293 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,882 Sluts, sluts... 294 00:14:45,426 --> 00:14:47,846 Sluts, sluts, I fuck sluts. 295 00:14:47,928 --> 00:14:49,305 Sluts get fucked when I fuck sluts. 296 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:50,598 No if, ands, and/or buts. 297 00:14:50,682 --> 00:14:52,642 I fuck sluts. I fuck sluts. 298 00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:54,769 Nice girls are nice but no good for nut-sucking. 299 00:14:54,853 --> 00:14:56,831 They'll need a serene night to green-light a butt-fucking. 300 00:14:56,855 --> 00:14:58,735 But that'd be easy with sleazy old slut fucking. 301 00:14:58,773 --> 00:14:59,899 Boo to the nice girls. 302 00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:01,150 Praise be to slut-fucking. 303 00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:04,195 I have a list. A list? 304 00:15:04,278 --> 00:15:05,878 Yes, a list of all the sluts I've missed. 305 00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:07,574 I've never fucked or sucked these sluts, 306 00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:09,057 and thus my nuts are fucking pissed. 307 00:15:09,116 --> 00:15:10,660 So, when I fuck the lucky slut, 308 00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:12,370 my nut removes her from the list. 309 00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:14,955 Another dumb cumbucket struck from my nut-sucking, 310 00:15:15,039 --> 00:15:18,585 suck it, slut, slut-fucking bucket list. 311 00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:23,923 Yes, you hear the influences... Chaucer, Keats. 312 00:15:24,006 --> 00:15:25,341 The pages are blank. I know it. 313 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:29,303 Why am I lying to you? 314 00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:31,723 Sluts can be white, black, brown, pink, or almond. 315 00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:34,559 They can be skinny with big tits or be skinny with small ones. 316 00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:36,519 Sluts can be perky, preppy, or posh, 317 00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:37,705 with their brains and their clothes 318 00:15:37,729 --> 00:15:39,063 all shrunk from the wash. 319 00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:41,649 Excuse me. 320 00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:50,241 But other sluts are pretty and funny and smart. 321 00:15:50,324 --> 00:15:51,635 These sluts can lift all your thoughts 322 00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:53,035 from your dick to your heart. 323 00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:55,329 They can talk about science, music, or art. 324 00:15:55,413 --> 00:15:57,916 They can put you together, or they can pull you apart. 325 00:15:57,998 --> 00:16:00,543 But don't trust these sluts. Don't. Don't you dare. 326 00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,837 They'll force you to trust them and love them and care. 327 00:16:02,921 --> 00:16:04,815 And then they'll be gone, and then you'll be aware 328 00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:07,258 of that hole in your heart that that dumb slut left there. 329 00:16:07,341 --> 00:16:08,885 Thank you very much. 330 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:12,096 "So he was lashing out with sexist language 331 00:16:12,179 --> 00:16:13,681 "'cause he had his heart broken. 332 00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:16,058 We all learned something." 333 00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,231 Thank you all for coming. 334 00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:24,460 I know some of my bits are a little bit fast and dense, 335 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,336 a little bit hard to follow, particularly that one. 336 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:27,922 So I want to do something a little bit slower 337 00:16:27,946 --> 00:16:29,426 for the people, maybe the older people 338 00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:32,366 in the crowd or something, so this is for you. 339 00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:35,369 Here's a slow joke. 340 00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:44,086 What did the ear of corn say 341 00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:49,342 when all of its clothes fell off? 342 00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:53,304 "Aw, shucks." 343 00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:55,222 Get it? 344 00:16:57,391 --> 00:17:02,229 Like shucks, as in shucking corn, 345 00:17:02,313 --> 00:17:07,944 and also "shucks" the exclamation. 346 00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:11,030 Am I right? 347 00:17:13,783 --> 00:17:16,035 Good, we're having fun. 348 00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:21,582 My father recently told me that I act too flamboyant onstage. 349 00:17:21,666 --> 00:17:24,711 And I said, "Really, Dad? Prove it." 350 00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:29,549 He said, "What about that joke 351 00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:31,151 where you throw confetti at the end of it?" 352 00:17:31,175 --> 00:17:32,775 I said, "I haven't written that joke yet, 353 00:17:32,844 --> 00:17:34,321 "'cause it's based off this conversation. 354 00:17:34,345 --> 00:17:35,763 Gotcha." 355 00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:40,935 Keep it. Keep the struggle. 356 00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:47,793 We're having a lot of fun, guys. Don't worry about... 357 00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:49,569 You don't have to fill the silences 358 00:17:49,652 --> 00:17:51,237 with laughter or applause. 359 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,197 I don't want you leaving this show thinking, 360 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,175 "My hands hurt from clapping. My stomach hurts from laughing." 361 00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:57,284 I just want you leaving this show thinking, 362 00:17:57,368 --> 00:17:59,286 "All right." 363 00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:03,583 And we're on our way. 364 00:18:03,666 --> 00:18:06,377 I moved to Hollywood recently from Boston, 365 00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:08,922 where I grew up, and... places. 366 00:18:09,005 --> 00:18:13,092 And I heard about these sort of wild Hollywood party nights 367 00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:15,111 that people would have, and I didn't think they were true 368 00:18:15,135 --> 00:18:17,072 until I moved to Hollywood and I started having them. 369 00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:18,736 Anyway, this is a song about a crazy night 370 00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:20,224 that happened a couple weeks ago. 371 00:18:20,307 --> 00:18:22,476 It's called What Did I Do Last Night? 372 00:18:25,021 --> 00:18:28,190 Yeah. Yeah. 373 00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:29,650 Hey, hey, hey. 374 00:18:29,734 --> 00:18:32,904 ♪ What did I do last night? ♪ 375 00:18:32,987 --> 00:18:39,911 ♪ ♪ 376 00:18:39,994 --> 00:18:42,038 ♪ I cried myself to sleep ♪ 377 00:19:00,098 --> 00:19:01,599 It was a good one. 378 00:19:06,729 --> 00:19:08,689 When did my mother first describe gay sex to me? 379 00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:11,567 Good question. I was eight years old. 380 00:19:13,736 --> 00:19:14,988 I was eight years old. 381 00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:17,073 She brought me into the dining room. 382 00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:19,075 She sat right across the table from me. 383 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:22,036 She said, "Do you know how your father and I love each other?" 384 00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:23,997 I said, "Of course. You and Dad love each other 385 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,790 "more than two people in the world 386 00:19:25,873 --> 00:19:27,374 could possibly love each other." 387 00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:29,836 She said, "Well, two men can love each other 388 00:19:29,919 --> 00:19:34,632 in the exact same way that your father and I love each other." 389 00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:38,302 She said, "What happens when two men love each other like that, 390 00:19:38,385 --> 00:19:42,515 "what they do is they take off all their clothes, 391 00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:44,308 "they get into bed, 392 00:19:44,391 --> 00:19:46,268 and they shit on the Bible!" 393 00:19:57,404 --> 00:19:58,906 So I don't talk to her anymore. 394 00:19:58,990 --> 00:20:00,407 Okay. 395 00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:07,247 - Hello, patient 24602. - Hi. I'm sorry. 396 00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:10,001 - How are you feeling? - Not great. 397 00:20:10,084 --> 00:20:11,836 - Has the treatment been working? 398 00:20:11,919 --> 00:20:13,253 - No, it hasn't been. 399 00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:15,048 - What are your remaining symptoms? 400 00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:16,632 - I just... I internalize my feelings. 401 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,300 I just... I have trouble artic... 402 00:20:18,384 --> 00:20:20,594 Like, other people and relating to them is just hard. 403 00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:22,429 - So basically you're still a little bitch. 404 00:20:22,513 --> 00:20:24,682 - Real mature of you, disembodied voice up there. 405 00:20:24,765 --> 00:20:27,434 - I was just joking, nigga. 406 00:20:27,518 --> 00:20:29,645 - We are right by Oakland. Careful with that shit. 407 00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:31,731 - I'm not human. I can say whatever I want. 408 00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:33,894 - All right, just get to the... What's wrong with me? 409 00:20:33,941 --> 00:20:35,484 What is wrong with me, please? 410 00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:37,778 - Your emotions and your logic are at war. 411 00:20:37,862 --> 00:20:39,363 - Okay. 412 00:20:39,446 --> 00:20:42,241 - Your creativity and your analysis are at war. 413 00:20:42,324 --> 00:20:45,327 And most simply your left and right brain are at war. 414 00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:47,163 - My left and my right? 415 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:50,124 - To fix the problem, we must separate them from each other. 416 00:20:50,208 --> 00:20:51,500 - Separ... 417 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,293 - Splitting your neurological functions 418 00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:55,462 in five, four, three... 419 00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:57,339 - Let's just... Will you book an appointment? 420 00:20:57,423 --> 00:20:58,692 You don't just start counting down. 421 00:20:58,716 --> 00:21:00,551 - One. This may hurt a bit. 422 00:21:00,634 --> 00:21:01,695 - I don't even know what it is. 423 00:21:01,719 --> 00:21:03,096 - Zero. - Just... 424 00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:16,109 - Isolation complete. 425 00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:17,985 This is Bo's left brain: 426 00:21:18,069 --> 00:21:21,488 objective, logical, cold, analytical, 427 00:21:21,572 --> 00:21:24,408 aware of patterns, aware of trends. 428 00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:28,454 He's efficient and a prick. 429 00:21:28,537 --> 00:21:30,330 This is Bo's right brain: 430 00:21:30,414 --> 00:21:33,209 subjective, creative, sensory, 431 00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:36,087 aware of feelings, aware of people. 432 00:21:36,170 --> 00:21:37,171 He's emotional... 433 00:21:37,255 --> 00:21:40,091 - Yes. - And an idiot. 434 00:21:40,174 --> 00:21:43,010 - That's your opinion, so just... Careful with opinions. 435 00:21:43,094 --> 00:21:46,180 - Okay, boys, play nice. 436 00:21:46,264 --> 00:21:48,599 - ♪ I am the left brain, I am the left brain ♪ 437 00:21:48,682 --> 00:21:51,477 ♪ I work really hard till my inevitable death brain ♪ 438 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:52,728 ♪ You got a job to do ♪ 439 00:21:52,812 --> 00:21:54,563 ♪ You better do it right ♪ 440 00:21:54,647 --> 00:21:57,775 ♪ And the right way is with the left brain's might ♪ 441 00:21:57,858 --> 00:22:00,820 ♪ I like Oreos and pussy ♪ 442 00:22:00,903 --> 00:22:02,613 ♪ Yeah, okay ♪ 443 00:22:02,696 --> 00:22:04,490 ♪ And I cried for at least an hour ♪ 444 00:22:04,573 --> 00:22:07,493 ♪ After watching Toy Story 3 ♪ 445 00:22:07,576 --> 00:22:10,246 ♪ I am the right brain ♪ 446 00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:12,832 ♪ I have feelings ♪ 447 00:22:12,915 --> 00:22:14,834 ♪ I'm a little all over the place ♪ 448 00:22:14,917 --> 00:22:16,543 ♪ But I'm lustful, trustful ♪ 449 00:22:16,627 --> 00:22:18,187 ♪ And I'm looking for somebody to love ♪ 450 00:22:18,254 --> 00:22:19,797 ♪ And put my penis in ♪ 451 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:22,424 ♪ Here comes a female, here comes a female ♪ 452 00:22:22,508 --> 00:22:24,010 ♪ Puff your chest out ♪ 453 00:22:24,093 --> 00:22:25,612 ♪ Take your phone, and check your email ♪ 454 00:22:25,636 --> 00:22:28,181 ♪ Our evolutionary purpose is repopulate ♪ 455 00:22:28,264 --> 00:22:31,433 ♪ So gather data now and see if she's a possible mate ♪ 456 00:22:31,517 --> 00:22:35,562 ♪ Holy fuck, I think she might be the one ♪ 457 00:22:35,646 --> 00:22:38,316 ♪ There's something about her ♪ 458 00:22:38,398 --> 00:22:41,235 ♪ I just can't describe it ♪ 459 00:22:41,319 --> 00:22:42,444 Tits. 460 00:22:42,528 --> 00:22:43,821 ♪ I am the Earth ♪ 461 00:22:43,904 --> 00:22:46,782 ♪ She's the glorious sun ♪ 462 00:22:46,866 --> 00:22:49,535 ♪ I want her to trust me ♪ 463 00:22:49,618 --> 00:22:51,495 ♪ And I just want her to sit on my face ♪ 464 00:22:51,578 --> 00:22:53,998 Sit. 465 00:22:54,081 --> 00:22:56,458 ♪ All right, now, right brain, you're being insane ♪ 466 00:22:56,542 --> 00:23:00,171 ♪ No, left brain, I'm just being alive ♪ 467 00:23:00,254 --> 00:23:02,506 ♪ You should try it ♪ 468 00:23:02,589 --> 00:23:04,925 ♪ You might like it ♪ 469 00:23:05,009 --> 00:23:08,012 ♪ I worked hard to give him everything he cared about ♪ 470 00:23:08,095 --> 00:23:09,239 ♪ You were worried about the things 471 00:23:09,263 --> 00:23:10,806 ♪ That he was scared about ♪ 472 00:23:10,890 --> 00:23:14,060 ♪ I'm calm and collected when you act wild ♪ 473 00:23:14,143 --> 00:23:15,269 ♪ I am the adult ♪ 474 00:23:15,353 --> 00:23:16,979 ♪ You are the child ♪ 475 00:23:17,063 --> 00:23:20,607 ♪ You think you're the right one every time ♪ 476 00:23:20,691 --> 00:23:23,819 ♪ You think you know everything ♪ 477 00:23:23,903 --> 00:23:27,907 ♪ You don't know anything at all ♪ 478 00:23:27,990 --> 00:23:32,203 ♪ Half of his problems were supposed to be mine ♪ 479 00:23:32,286 --> 00:23:34,997 ♪ But you wanted everything ♪ 480 00:23:35,081 --> 00:23:40,418 ♪ I hope that you're happy, 'cause he's sure not ♪ 481 00:23:40,502 --> 00:23:44,340 Well, according to my calculations, you're a pussy. 482 00:23:44,422 --> 00:23:46,109 Name-calling, really? We're gonna do name-calling? 483 00:23:46,133 --> 00:23:47,634 I'm not calling names, all right? 484 00:23:47,718 --> 00:23:49,095 I'm just stating facts. 485 00:23:49,178 --> 00:23:51,097 And the fact is, you're a quivering pussy. 486 00:23:51,180 --> 00:23:52,908 I'm the pussy? Well, at least I don't play with toys still. 487 00:23:52,932 --> 00:23:54,350 Okay, Rubik's Cubes are not toys. 488 00:23:54,432 --> 00:23:56,352 They keep my spatial reasoning skills sharp. 489 00:23:56,434 --> 00:23:57,770 Left brain plays with toys. 490 00:23:57,853 --> 00:24:01,523 Look at you, Johnny fucking toy-player. 491 00:24:01,607 --> 00:24:04,235 Well, at least I did my fucking job. 492 00:24:04,318 --> 00:24:05,921 I kept him working. I kept him productive. 493 00:24:05,945 --> 00:24:07,339 You were supposed to look after him. 494 00:24:07,363 --> 00:24:08,655 You were supposed to keep him 495 00:24:08,739 --> 00:24:10,490 emotionally stable through all this. 496 00:24:10,574 --> 00:24:12,261 Now you're trying to blame me for how he's feeling. 497 00:24:12,285 --> 00:24:13,994 How he's feeling. 498 00:24:14,078 --> 00:24:16,056 If he's feeling unhappy, it's because you failed him. 499 00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:18,791 You did this to him. He hates you. I know he does. 500 00:24:18,874 --> 00:24:20,626 He fucking hates you! 501 00:24:28,801 --> 00:24:32,221 Right brain, look, I'm sorry. 502 00:24:32,305 --> 00:24:34,307 No, you're not. 503 00:24:43,232 --> 00:24:47,653 ♪ Look, maybe there's something that we could do together ♪ 504 00:24:50,323 --> 00:24:52,366 Together? 505 00:24:52,450 --> 00:24:55,286 ♪ Take the best parts of both of us ♪ 506 00:24:55,369 --> 00:24:59,706 ♪ Put them together ♪ 507 00:24:59,790 --> 00:25:01,708 I'm listening. 508 00:25:01,792 --> 00:25:04,670 ♪ It would let you let your feelings out ♪ 509 00:25:04,753 --> 00:25:07,256 ♪ It would let me analyze ♪ 510 00:25:07,340 --> 00:25:09,091 ♪ So you could man the themes ♪ 511 00:25:09,175 --> 00:25:12,261 ♪ I'll man the form ♪ 512 00:25:12,345 --> 00:25:14,930 ♪ It's something that George Carlin did ♪ 513 00:25:15,014 --> 00:25:17,475 ♪ It's something that Steve Martin did ♪ 514 00:25:17,557 --> 00:25:21,145 ♪ It's something special that we could both perform ♪ 515 00:25:21,228 --> 00:25:23,022 Do you know what it is? 516 00:25:23,105 --> 00:25:25,941 Juggling? We could juggle and juggle our cares away. 517 00:25:32,990 --> 00:25:34,508 It was comedy. We could do comedy together. 518 00:25:34,532 --> 00:25:35,784 - Initiate reassembly. 519 00:25:35,868 --> 00:25:37,286 - All right, all right, right brain, 520 00:25:37,370 --> 00:25:38,638 we're gonna do comedy together, all right? 521 00:25:38,662 --> 00:25:39,722 All right, all right, left brain, 522 00:25:39,746 --> 00:25:40,746 I'll do comedy with you. 523 00:25:40,789 --> 00:25:42,208 Look, we can fix him like this. 524 00:25:42,291 --> 00:25:43,876 We can make him happy again, I promise. 525 00:25:43,959 --> 00:25:47,087 Left brain, left brain, I love you. 526 00:25:47,171 --> 00:25:49,589 - Three, two... 527 00:25:49,673 --> 00:25:52,259 - I know. - One. 528 00:25:52,343 --> 00:25:54,220 Experimentation complete. 529 00:25:54,303 --> 00:25:55,762 - Thank you very much. 530 00:26:06,148 --> 00:26:07,441 At this point of the show, 531 00:26:07,525 --> 00:26:10,319 I'd like to talk about how deep I am. 532 00:26:12,405 --> 00:26:17,243 And I'm pretty fucking deep, deep, deep, deep. 533 00:26:20,329 --> 00:26:22,622 ♪ ♪ 534 00:26:22,706 --> 00:26:25,459 So deep... 535 00:26:28,962 --> 00:26:31,507 that I called this song... 536 00:26:35,802 --> 00:26:38,556 #deep. 537 00:26:49,024 --> 00:26:51,693 ♪ Have you ever stopped to watch a bluebird ♪ 538 00:26:51,777 --> 00:26:55,781 ♪ Drop from a tree and take to the air? ♪ 539 00:26:55,864 --> 00:26:57,283 ♪ Me neither ♪ 540 00:27:02,329 --> 00:27:05,499 ♪ Have you ever took time out to finish a rhyme ♪ 541 00:27:05,583 --> 00:27:08,710 ♪ But the right words just weren't there? ♪ 542 00:27:08,794 --> 00:27:10,212 ♪ Meat cleaver ♪ 543 00:27:15,509 --> 00:27:22,141 ♪ The people in my life are like grains of sand ♪ 544 00:27:22,224 --> 00:27:25,769 ♪ 'Cause they stick together ♪ 545 00:27:25,852 --> 00:27:27,854 ♪ Often near my butthole ♪ 546 00:27:27,938 --> 00:27:31,191 ♪ If life is an ocean ♪ 547 00:27:31,275 --> 00:27:36,863 ♪ I am a deep and handsome fish ♪ 548 00:27:36,947 --> 00:27:40,409 ♪ A fish that's drowning ♪ 549 00:27:40,493 --> 00:27:43,579 ♪ If the artistic process is a birth canal ♪ 550 00:27:43,661 --> 00:27:49,793 ♪ Then I am a freshly jellied kid ♪ 551 00:27:49,876 --> 00:27:54,632 ♪ Come witness my crowning ♪ 552 00:27:54,714 --> 00:27:57,426 ♪ These thoughts of mine ♪ 553 00:27:57,510 --> 00:28:01,013 ♪ Must be a sign that I'm ♪ 554 00:28:01,096 --> 00:28:05,100 ♪ #deep ♪ 555 00:28:05,184 --> 00:28:07,561 If Jesus can walk on water, 556 00:28:07,645 --> 00:28:10,105 can He swim on land? 557 00:28:12,191 --> 00:28:17,321 ♪ Have you ever accidentally peed on the toilet seat ♪ 558 00:28:17,404 --> 00:28:20,324 ♪ Instead of on your girlfriend's face? ♪ 559 00:28:20,407 --> 00:28:22,326 ♪ Me neither ♪ 560 00:28:24,244 --> 00:28:26,455 Me neither! 561 00:28:26,539 --> 00:28:29,791 ♪ Have you ever wrote a song note for note ♪ 562 00:28:29,875 --> 00:28:32,461 ♪ And not a single note was out of place? ♪ 563 00:28:32,545 --> 00:28:36,923 Duh. Hold on. 564 00:28:37,007 --> 00:28:42,137 ♪ The people in my life are like blades of grass ♪ 565 00:28:42,221 --> 00:28:45,765 ♪ How? 'Cause they're all so grounded ♪ 566 00:28:45,849 --> 00:28:49,228 ♪ But at least grass stays away from my butthole ♪ 567 00:28:49,311 --> 00:28:52,147 ♪ Art is a harlot ♪ 568 00:28:52,231 --> 00:28:56,485 ♪ And I am her sassy urban friend ♪ 569 00:28:56,569 --> 00:29:01,823 ♪ Oh, bitch, why you being so selfish? ♪ 570 00:29:01,907 --> 00:29:08,330 ♪ If Mama is right and the world is my oyster ♪ 571 00:29:08,414 --> 00:29:10,874 ♪ Then I must have ♪ 572 00:29:10,957 --> 00:29:15,795 ♪ An allergy to shellfish ♪ 573 00:29:15,879 --> 00:29:18,882 ♪ You don't know ♪ 574 00:29:18,965 --> 00:29:22,428 ♪ How could you know? ♪ 575 00:29:22,511 --> 00:29:28,601 ♪ If life makes you wish you were dead ♪ 576 00:29:28,684 --> 00:29:31,353 ♪ Just put on a good movie ♪ 577 00:29:31,437 --> 00:29:35,733 ♪ Then promptly put a bullet in your head ♪ 578 00:29:35,815 --> 00:29:41,071 ♪ Spend forever asleep ♪ 579 00:29:41,154 --> 00:29:46,243 ♪ 'Cause life pales in comparison to living the dream ♪ 580 00:29:46,326 --> 00:29:48,828 ♪ #deep ♪ 581 00:29:48,912 --> 00:29:56,836 ♪ ♪ 582 00:30:00,466 --> 00:30:01,675 Thank you. 583 00:30:08,974 --> 00:30:16,974 ♪ ♪ 584 00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:06,466 Don't you hate it when that happens? 585 00:32:06,550 --> 00:32:08,176 Yeah. 586 00:32:08,260 --> 00:32:10,846 Thank you. That's called Beating Off in "A" Minor. 587 00:32:10,929 --> 00:32:13,181 Yes, yes. 588 00:32:17,686 --> 00:32:22,148 "A" minor, the key, not the felony. 589 00:32:22,232 --> 00:32:25,151 So... 590 00:32:25,235 --> 00:32:28,739 I believe... 591 00:32:28,822 --> 00:32:31,491 I believe there's nothing more manly one can do 592 00:32:31,575 --> 00:32:33,702 than take a shower with five other guys. 593 00:32:33,786 --> 00:32:35,662 It's true. 594 00:32:35,746 --> 00:32:38,081 It's early cavemen, Cro-Magnon, wandering through the fog, 595 00:32:38,164 --> 00:32:39,875 you know, scrubbing five other sapiens. 596 00:32:39,958 --> 00:32:41,376 No homo. 597 00:32:41,460 --> 00:32:44,254 We... oh. 598 00:32:44,337 --> 00:32:48,967 I'd like to do some poems right now, if that's okay. 599 00:32:49,050 --> 00:32:52,262 We're in this point of the show. 600 00:32:52,345 --> 00:32:54,389 These poems are actually from... 601 00:32:54,473 --> 00:32:55,891 I'm releasing this special for free. 602 00:32:55,974 --> 00:32:58,143 So I'm gonna plug my poetry book. 603 00:32:58,226 --> 00:33:00,288 These are my new poems from my poetry book called Egghead 604 00:33:00,312 --> 00:33:02,021 that will be out by the time this is airing 605 00:33:02,105 --> 00:33:06,944 but not by the time you guys are seated here right now, so... 606 00:33:07,026 --> 00:33:09,613 But it's good. They're pretty serious. 607 00:33:09,696 --> 00:33:11,030 And it's all just sort of... 608 00:33:11,114 --> 00:33:12,908 This is sort of the lull of the show usually. 609 00:33:12,991 --> 00:33:14,451 So I'd like to, at this point, 610 00:33:14,534 --> 00:33:16,578 sort of take the pressure off the audience 611 00:33:16,662 --> 00:33:18,037 and just read some poems. 612 00:33:18,121 --> 00:33:19,873 And then we'll go back to the giggles. 613 00:33:19,957 --> 00:33:22,960 So this is a poem by a dog. 614 00:33:23,042 --> 00:33:24,377 "Roses are gray. 615 00:33:24,461 --> 00:33:25,688 "Violets are a different shade of gray. 616 00:33:25,712 --> 00:33:27,088 Let's go chase cars." 617 00:33:34,262 --> 00:33:38,558 "Me with my strange choice of adjectives. 618 00:33:38,642 --> 00:33:42,270 You with your muscular teeth and clockwise vagina." 619 00:33:50,487 --> 00:33:54,282 "I put a chameleon on a red dildo." 620 00:34:00,873 --> 00:34:02,833 "He blushed." There we go. 621 00:34:08,547 --> 00:34:11,174 This is a poem about beauty, about self-image, 622 00:34:11,257 --> 00:34:14,553 and about the ability to transform. 623 00:34:14,636 --> 00:34:16,763 "Martha was ugly, like a shaven baboon, 624 00:34:16,847 --> 00:34:19,349 "so she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon. 625 00:34:19,432 --> 00:34:21,309 "And after a week, she finally emerged. 626 00:34:21,393 --> 00:34:24,062 She smelled like shit. What a psycho." 627 00:34:33,613 --> 00:34:36,324 "You're incomparable, 628 00:34:36,408 --> 00:34:40,119 like a..." 629 00:34:50,047 --> 00:34:53,341 "I want to beat you to death with a blunt object. 630 00:34:53,425 --> 00:34:55,403 "I want to grab one of those high-end fashion mannequins 631 00:34:55,427 --> 00:34:58,013 "by the ankles and bash your rib cage in. 632 00:34:58,096 --> 00:35:00,473 "I want to sharpen 50 pencils, bind them with a rubber band, 633 00:35:00,557 --> 00:35:03,435 "stick the lead in your mouth, and punch the erasers. 634 00:35:03,518 --> 00:35:05,228 "I want to strap you to a bed of nails, 635 00:35:05,311 --> 00:35:07,040 "then strap that bed of nails to the hood of my car 636 00:35:07,064 --> 00:35:09,042 "so I can watch you suffer as we drive over speed bumps 637 00:35:09,066 --> 00:35:12,151 "in a mall parking lot during an earthquake. 638 00:35:12,235 --> 00:35:14,088 "I want you to somehow survive a terrible car crash, 639 00:35:14,112 --> 00:35:15,715 "then somehow not survive a small fender bender 640 00:35:15,739 --> 00:35:18,742 on the way back from the hospital." 641 00:35:18,825 --> 00:35:20,994 Thank you. That's called Dad. 642 00:35:28,251 --> 00:35:29,962 This is a poem. 643 00:35:30,045 --> 00:35:31,814 It's really a story that's meant primarily for children, 644 00:35:31,838 --> 00:35:34,549 but I think it's got a lesson we could all learn. 645 00:35:36,885 --> 00:35:41,139 "The squares lived happily in their square houses, 646 00:35:41,222 --> 00:35:44,267 "in their square yard, in their square town. 647 00:35:44,350 --> 00:35:46,812 "But then one day, a family of circles 648 00:35:46,895 --> 00:35:50,690 "moved in from the West. 649 00:35:50,774 --> 00:35:54,486 "'Get out of here, roundies, ' 650 00:35:54,569 --> 00:35:57,030 "shouted one of the squares. 651 00:35:57,114 --> 00:36:00,241 "'Why?' said one of the circles. 652 00:36:00,325 --> 00:36:02,077 "Cause this is a metaphor for racism.'" 653 00:36:08,458 --> 00:36:10,418 "When I walk into a party, you'd think I was one 654 00:36:10,502 --> 00:36:12,587 "of those long, straight Tetris pieces, 655 00:36:12,671 --> 00:36:14,899 "'cause everyone's just like, 'Oh, yeah, this guy's here. 656 00:36:14,923 --> 00:36:16,883 Finally. We've been waiting for him to show up.'" 657 00:36:16,967 --> 00:36:18,844 Like, you wait in the game... Forget it. 658 00:36:21,220 --> 00:36:23,807 No. You had your chance. 659 00:36:26,476 --> 00:36:28,145 "If I had a million dollars, 660 00:36:28,227 --> 00:36:30,147 "I'd pay your mother to have sex with me. 661 00:36:30,229 --> 00:36:34,359 Afterwards, I'd probably invest the remaining $999,990." 662 00:36:34,442 --> 00:36:35,777 $10 for sex with your mother. 663 00:36:35,861 --> 00:36:38,697 Comedy. 664 00:36:38,780 --> 00:36:40,406 I smell comedy. 665 00:36:40,490 --> 00:36:43,409 Well, it was comedy giving off that scent. 666 00:36:46,412 --> 00:36:48,707 And finally... 667 00:36:48,790 --> 00:36:50,709 "Mid-October, 668 00:36:50,792 --> 00:36:54,253 "with leaves spilled like colored-pencil shavings, 669 00:36:54,337 --> 00:36:59,300 "the streets dicing our town into neat, unfair portions. 670 00:36:59,384 --> 00:37:02,554 And me, eating that pussy, baby." 671 00:37:02,637 --> 00:37:04,056 Thank you so much. 672 00:37:17,069 --> 00:37:20,238 There's things that I don't want to come across in my show 673 00:37:20,321 --> 00:37:22,323 that I worry often come across about me, 674 00:37:22,407 --> 00:37:24,659 'cause people don't realize that it's an act up here. 675 00:37:24,743 --> 00:37:26,036 I don't want you to ever think 676 00:37:26,119 --> 00:37:27,871 that I think I'm better than people 677 00:37:27,954 --> 00:37:29,664 or that I think I know better than people. 678 00:37:29,748 --> 00:37:31,499 Anyway, sorry. Okay. 679 00:37:31,583 --> 00:37:34,753 This is a song from the perspective of God. 680 00:37:39,716 --> 00:37:46,347 ♪ ♪ 681 00:37:46,431 --> 00:37:51,728 ♪ The books you think I wrote are way too thick ♪ 682 00:37:51,811 --> 00:37:54,397 ♪ Who needs 1,000 metaphors ♪ 683 00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:58,068 ♪ To figure out you shouldn't be a dick? ♪ 684 00:37:58,151 --> 00:38:02,363 ♪ And I don't watch you when you sleep ♪ 685 00:38:02,447 --> 00:38:06,118 ♪ Surprisingly, I don't use my omnipotence ♪ 686 00:38:06,201 --> 00:38:08,870 ♪ To be a fucking creep ♪ 687 00:38:08,954 --> 00:38:13,250 ♪ You're not going to heaven ♪ 688 00:38:13,332 --> 00:38:17,963 ♪ Why the fuck would you think I'd ever kick it with you? ♪ 689 00:38:18,046 --> 00:38:22,968 ♪ None of you are going to heaven ♪ 690 00:38:23,051 --> 00:38:28,306 ♪ There's a trillion aliens cooler than you ♪ 691 00:38:28,389 --> 00:38:31,768 ♪ ♪ 692 00:38:31,851 --> 00:38:33,937 ♪ You shouldn't abstain from rape ♪ 693 00:38:34,020 --> 00:38:36,856 ♪ Just 'cause you think that I want you to ♪ 694 00:38:39,985 --> 00:38:45,031 ♪ You shouldn't rape 'cause rape is a fucked-up thing to do ♪ 695 00:38:45,115 --> 00:38:49,368 Pretty obvious... Just don't fucking rape people. 696 00:38:49,452 --> 00:38:51,871 Didn't think I had to write that one down for you. 697 00:38:55,917 --> 00:39:00,755 ♪ I don't think masturbation is obscene ♪ 698 00:39:00,839 --> 00:39:02,882 ♪ It's absolutely natural ♪ 699 00:39:02,966 --> 00:39:06,719 ♪ And the weirdest fucking thing I've ever seen ♪ 700 00:39:06,803 --> 00:39:09,639 ♪ You make my job a living hell ♪ 701 00:39:09,722 --> 00:39:14,644 ♪ I sent gays to fix overpopulation ♪ 702 00:39:14,727 --> 00:39:17,063 ♪ Boy, did that go well ♪ 703 00:39:17,147 --> 00:39:21,359 ♪ You're not going to heaven ♪ 704 00:39:21,442 --> 00:39:26,281 ♪ Eat a thousand crackers, sing a million hymns ♪ 705 00:39:26,364 --> 00:39:31,494 ♪ None of you are going to heaven ♪ 706 00:39:31,577 --> 00:39:33,746 ♪ You're not my children ♪ 707 00:39:33,830 --> 00:39:37,334 ♪ You're a bad game of Sim ♪ 708 00:39:40,086 --> 00:39:42,172 ♪ You shouldn't abstain from pork ♪ 709 00:39:42,255 --> 00:39:45,800 ♪ Just 'cause you think that I want you to ♪ 710 00:39:48,594 --> 00:39:50,305 ♪ You can eat pork ♪ 711 00:39:50,388 --> 00:39:54,017 'Cause why the fuck would I give a shit? 712 00:39:54,100 --> 00:39:55,768 I created the universe. 713 00:39:55,852 --> 00:39:59,939 Think I'm drawing the line at the fucking deli aisle? 714 00:40:06,779 --> 00:40:11,868 ♪ You argue, and you bicker, and you fight ♪ 715 00:40:11,951 --> 00:40:15,663 ♪ Atheists and Catholics, Jews and Hindus ♪ 716 00:40:15,747 --> 00:40:17,832 ♪ Argue day and night ♪ 717 00:40:17,916 --> 00:40:22,003 ♪ Over what they think is true ♪ 718 00:40:22,087 --> 00:40:24,505 ♪ But no one entertains the thought ♪ 719 00:40:24,589 --> 00:40:27,592 ♪ That maybe God does not believe in you ♪ 720 00:40:27,675 --> 00:40:31,804 ♪ You pray so badly for heaven ♪ 721 00:40:31,888 --> 00:40:36,726 ♪ Knowing any day might be the day that you die ♪ 722 00:40:36,809 --> 00:40:41,940 ♪ But maybe life on Earth could be heaven ♪ 723 00:40:42,023 --> 00:40:46,903 ♪ Doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try? ♪ 724 00:40:46,986 --> 00:40:50,365 ♪ ♪ 725 00:40:50,448 --> 00:40:54,702 ♪ My love's the type of thing that you have to earn ♪ 726 00:40:54,786 --> 00:40:59,082 ♪ And when you earn it, you won't need it ♪ 727 00:40:59,165 --> 00:41:04,212 ♪ Oh, my love's the type of thing that you have to earn ♪ 728 00:41:04,296 --> 00:41:09,759 ♪ And when you earn it, you won't need it ♪ 729 00:41:09,842 --> 00:41:11,428 ♪ I'm not gonna give you love ♪ 730 00:41:11,510 --> 00:41:15,390 ♪ Just 'cause I know that you want me to ♪ 731 00:41:15,473 --> 00:41:18,476 ♪ ♪ 732 00:41:18,559 --> 00:41:21,438 ♪ If you want love, then the love has got to come from you ♪ 733 00:41:21,520 --> 00:41:29,520 ♪ ♪ 734 00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:38,455 - ♪ Walking between the microphones ♪ 735 00:41:38,537 --> 00:41:39,831 ♪ Is really awkward ♪ 736 00:41:39,914 --> 00:41:42,208 - Tell me about it. 737 00:41:46,629 --> 00:41:48,381 Women are stupid. 738 00:41:51,050 --> 00:41:53,345 Yeah, I fucking said it. 739 00:41:53,428 --> 00:41:56,931 They're the weaker, dumber sex. I can prove it to you. 740 00:41:57,015 --> 00:41:58,933 I like to practice safe sex. Why? 741 00:41:59,017 --> 00:42:01,060 'Cause I'm a guy, and I'm smarter. 742 00:42:01,144 --> 00:42:02,895 What do women say every time? 743 00:42:02,979 --> 00:42:04,897 Every time I put on a condom, what do they say? 744 00:42:04,981 --> 00:42:06,399 "Why are you wearing a condom 745 00:42:06,483 --> 00:42:07,835 if I'm fucking you with a strap-on?" 746 00:42:07,859 --> 00:42:09,319 "To be safe, bitch." 747 00:42:09,402 --> 00:42:11,570 Women, right? They're the dumb ones. 748 00:42:19,120 --> 00:42:20,330 It's time for a story. 749 00:42:20,413 --> 00:42:21,789 Let's do a story. 750 00:42:21,873 --> 00:42:23,333 ♪ It's time for a story ♪ 751 00:42:23,416 --> 00:42:25,043 ♪ It's time for a story ♪ 752 00:42:25,126 --> 00:42:28,171 ♪ A very special story especially for you ♪ 753 00:42:28,254 --> 00:42:29,755 ♪ It's time for a story ♪ 754 00:42:29,839 --> 00:42:31,716 ♪ It's time for a story ♪ 755 00:42:31,799 --> 00:42:33,051 ♪ Sit down and listen now ♪ 756 00:42:33,134 --> 00:42:34,386 ♪ Don't be a Jew ♪ 757 00:42:34,469 --> 00:42:35,803 This story is called Andy... 758 00:42:35,887 --> 00:42:37,722 That's a glitch. You can be Jewish. 759 00:42:37,805 --> 00:42:40,892 This story... 760 00:42:40,975 --> 00:42:42,560 this story is called Andy the Frog, 761 00:42:42,643 --> 00:42:45,063 featuring long and convoluted similes. 762 00:42:45,146 --> 00:42:47,982 And I'll warn you when one of those long, convoluted similes 763 00:42:48,066 --> 00:42:50,693 rears its old head. So here we go. 764 00:42:50,776 --> 00:42:53,863 Once upon a time, there was a frog named Andy. 765 00:42:53,946 --> 00:42:55,948 Andy lived at the Patton Park pond 766 00:42:56,032 --> 00:42:58,910 and had never hopped anywhere else in his entire frog life. 767 00:42:58,993 --> 00:43:00,328 He had three best friends: 768 00:43:00,412 --> 00:43:03,622 Millie, who never left her lily pad, 769 00:43:03,706 --> 00:43:06,501 Billy, who was always hopping mad, 770 00:43:06,584 --> 00:43:09,712 and Roger, who was arrested for possession of tadpole porn. 771 00:43:09,795 --> 00:43:11,672 So one day... 772 00:43:11,756 --> 00:43:14,050 One day, Andy saw something 773 00:43:14,133 --> 00:43:15,861 hop across the grass on the other side of the pond. 774 00:43:15,885 --> 00:43:18,721 "Millie, Billy, Roger, look," said Andy. 775 00:43:18,804 --> 00:43:20,265 Across the pond stood 776 00:43:20,348 --> 00:43:22,808 the most beautiful frog Andy had ever seen. 777 00:43:22,892 --> 00:43:24,685 "She's gorgeous," said Millie. 778 00:43:24,769 --> 00:43:27,105 "She's beautiful," said Billy. 779 00:43:27,188 --> 00:43:28,689 "Bit old for my taste," said Roger. 780 00:43:28,773 --> 00:43:31,901 Classic Roger. 781 00:43:31,984 --> 00:43:33,194 And then she was gone. 782 00:43:33,278 --> 00:43:34,638 "I need to go find her," said Andy. 783 00:43:34,695 --> 00:43:36,406 "I need to follow my little frog heart." 784 00:43:36,489 --> 00:43:38,300 So Andy followed the beautiful frog's footsteps 785 00:43:38,324 --> 00:43:39,325 into the forest. 786 00:43:39,409 --> 00:43:40,993 He then came across a turtle. 787 00:43:41,077 --> 00:43:43,204 "You can't pass," said the turtle. 788 00:43:43,288 --> 00:43:44,705 "Please?" said Andy. 789 00:43:44,789 --> 00:43:46,165 "No," said the turtle. 790 00:43:46,249 --> 00:43:48,501 And this is the first long, convoluted simile. 791 00:43:48,585 --> 00:43:50,795 Then there was a rustling in the bushes. 792 00:43:50,878 --> 00:43:53,965 And like a man who had been shot in the chest with a rifle, 793 00:43:54,048 --> 00:43:57,051 the turtle was shot in the chest with a rifle. 794 00:44:00,930 --> 00:44:02,807 Andy kept moving, but at this point, 795 00:44:02,890 --> 00:44:04,767 like the doctor of the Kenyan track team, 796 00:44:04,850 --> 00:44:06,936 his patience ran thin. 797 00:44:07,019 --> 00:44:09,063 Andy kept moving. 798 00:44:11,023 --> 00:44:12,733 He then came across a giant crocodile. 799 00:44:12,817 --> 00:44:14,402 And the crocodile began to chant, 800 00:44:14,486 --> 00:44:16,571 "I woke up this morning, and I sat on a log. 801 00:44:16,654 --> 00:44:19,365 I opened up the menu. The menu said frog." 802 00:44:19,449 --> 00:44:20,992 Andy said, "No, no. 803 00:44:21,075 --> 00:44:22,511 "Please let go of me. I can feel myself dying. 804 00:44:22,535 --> 00:44:23,637 "You're ripping out my insides. 805 00:44:23,661 --> 00:44:24,805 "I'm never gonna find her, am I? 806 00:44:24,829 --> 00:44:25,847 "There's no God, is there? 807 00:44:25,871 --> 00:44:27,165 Fuck! Fuck!" 808 00:44:27,248 --> 00:44:28,500 The end. The end. 809 00:44:28,583 --> 00:44:30,876 So that's the end of that story. 810 00:44:40,052 --> 00:44:42,221 Yeah, if you're curious, the moral of that story 811 00:44:42,305 --> 00:44:44,349 is irrelevant, 'cause we're humans. 812 00:44:44,432 --> 00:44:47,310 Why would it apply to us? 813 00:44:50,313 --> 00:44:52,124 You know, my father is so hard to get along with 814 00:44:52,148 --> 00:44:54,108 'cause he's such a man's man, you know? 815 00:44:54,192 --> 00:44:55,568 He believes, like, for example, 816 00:44:55,652 --> 00:44:57,778 you should always fight fire with fire, 817 00:44:57,862 --> 00:44:59,656 which is a horrible way to live your life, 818 00:44:59,738 --> 00:45:01,538 especially for him, 'cause he's a firefighter. 819 00:45:01,616 --> 00:45:04,076 So he was fired. 820 00:45:04,160 --> 00:45:05,786 That was as stupid as we get. 821 00:45:05,870 --> 00:45:08,747 But let's get a little stupider, huh? 822 00:45:08,831 --> 00:45:10,833 ♪ There's a creepy old man fishing in the park ♪ 823 00:45:10,916 --> 00:45:12,418 ♪ And the only problem is ♪ 824 00:45:12,502 --> 00:45:14,711 ♪ He tied a candy bar to the end of his line ♪ 825 00:45:14,795 --> 00:45:17,674 ♪ He's trying to catch a kid ♪ 826 00:45:17,756 --> 00:45:19,676 You know, that stuff. 827 00:45:19,758 --> 00:45:23,012 Trying to get a little more mainstream. 828 00:45:27,266 --> 00:45:29,935 People complain about the way I act onstage very often. 829 00:45:30,019 --> 00:45:31,896 You know, they say, like, I repeat jokes. 830 00:45:31,979 --> 00:45:35,024 Or they also say that... 831 00:45:35,107 --> 00:45:37,985 they say... they don't get, again, that this is an act onstage. 832 00:45:38,069 --> 00:45:40,779 And they think, onstage, I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, 833 00:45:40,863 --> 00:45:43,491 solipsistic, self-contained, synonyms. 834 00:45:43,575 --> 00:45:45,201 And they want me to be... 835 00:45:45,284 --> 00:45:46,803 They want me to be a comic of the people, 836 00:45:46,827 --> 00:45:48,204 you know, relate to the people 837 00:45:48,287 --> 00:45:50,665 with the overarching glue of comedy. 838 00:45:50,747 --> 00:45:53,185 So I want to do a little bit of relatable comedy for you guys. 839 00:45:53,209 --> 00:45:54,460 I'm like you guys. 840 00:45:54,544 --> 00:45:55,812 You know, once a week, I like to slip 841 00:45:55,836 --> 00:45:57,422 into a deep existential depression 842 00:45:57,505 --> 00:45:59,191 where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth. 843 00:45:59,215 --> 00:46:01,026 And what I like to do in order to assure myself 844 00:46:01,050 --> 00:46:02,843 that I am unique and I'm not just one of many 845 00:46:02,927 --> 00:46:04,196 small, white, indistinguishable, 846 00:46:04,220 --> 00:46:05,930 perfectly cylindric checker pieces 847 00:46:06,013 --> 00:46:09,601 in Jesus and Satan's backgammon game is, I will... 848 00:46:09,684 --> 00:46:12,019 I'll say a group of words that I think no one 849 00:46:12,103 --> 00:46:14,146 has ever said in that order 850 00:46:14,230 --> 00:46:16,649 so that when I say it, I feel like, 851 00:46:16,733 --> 00:46:18,419 "Look at me, participating in this new moment 852 00:46:18,443 --> 00:46:20,236 that no one's ever been a part of." 853 00:46:20,319 --> 00:46:23,822 So I'll say something random, like, "Peanut butter tribadism." 854 00:46:23,906 --> 00:46:26,618 Or, "I'm your father, and I loved your comedy show." 855 00:46:32,206 --> 00:46:33,790 Or, "At first, I wasn't comfortable 856 00:46:33,874 --> 00:46:35,376 "leaving him alone with my children, 857 00:46:35,460 --> 00:46:36,961 "but then I saw his mustache. 858 00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:39,922 Phew." 859 00:46:40,005 --> 00:46:42,799 Or, "Yo, check out this Amish Website." 860 00:46:46,053 --> 00:46:47,388 Or, "I work at a tollbooth, 861 00:46:47,472 --> 00:46:48,973 and I don't want to kill myself." 862 00:46:49,056 --> 00:46:51,350 Or... that's too real. 863 00:46:54,145 --> 00:46:56,025 Or, "Yo, man, my life's about three things, man, 864 00:46:56,105 --> 00:46:57,148 "three things: 865 00:46:57,231 --> 00:46:59,024 "getting money, getting pussy, 866 00:46:59,108 --> 00:47:01,860 and the Dewey decimal system." Or... 867 00:47:08,075 --> 00:47:09,786 Or, "Hey, can you hold my fanny pack? 868 00:47:09,868 --> 00:47:11,954 I'm gonna go fuck a woman." 869 00:47:23,675 --> 00:47:26,010 If I could break... 870 00:47:26,093 --> 00:47:27,637 I want to thank you all for being here, 871 00:47:27,720 --> 00:47:30,598 because I'm so grateful that you'd all come here 872 00:47:30,682 --> 00:47:32,684 and spend an hour of your time with me. 873 00:47:32,767 --> 00:47:34,644 And if you're watching at home or whatever 874 00:47:34,727 --> 00:47:37,188 on a computer or something, if you've made it this far, 875 00:47:37,271 --> 00:47:38,648 thank you very much for watching. 876 00:47:38,731 --> 00:47:40,566 Genuinely, this is my favorite thing to do. 877 00:47:40,650 --> 00:47:44,821 And I'm so grateful for people watching it and enjoying it. 878 00:47:44,903 --> 00:47:48,783 Okay, I will now recede back into my stage persona. 879 00:47:51,619 --> 00:47:56,081 I just blacked out for 20 seconds. 880 00:47:56,165 --> 00:47:59,669 Thank you for coming. 881 00:47:59,752 --> 00:48:03,005 Love songs used to be so beautiful. 882 00:48:03,088 --> 00:48:05,383 You know, "Let us go, then, you and I, 883 00:48:05,466 --> 00:48:07,468 "when the evening has spread out against the sky 884 00:48:07,552 --> 00:48:09,220 like a patient etherized upon a table." 885 00:48:09,303 --> 00:48:11,389 T.S. Eliot, beautiful. 886 00:48:11,472 --> 00:48:14,767 Love songs nowadays, just as beautiful, guys. 887 00:48:14,851 --> 00:48:19,104 Usher, Justin Bieber, 1D, you know them. 888 00:48:19,188 --> 00:48:20,666 But these new artists... They've done something 889 00:48:20,690 --> 00:48:22,410 very strange to the format of the love song. 890 00:48:22,441 --> 00:48:23,942 They've changed it a bit. 891 00:48:24,026 --> 00:48:26,320 And I tried to capture how they've changed 892 00:48:26,404 --> 00:48:29,365 the format of the love song with this love song. 893 00:48:29,448 --> 00:48:32,034 I hope you enjoy it and mark the differences. 894 00:48:35,120 --> 00:48:37,373 ♪ ♪ 895 00:48:37,456 --> 00:48:39,709 ♪ Jason Derulo ♪ 896 00:48:41,918 --> 00:48:46,965 ♪ ♪ 897 00:48:47,049 --> 00:48:48,527 ♪ I love your hair, I love your name ♪ 898 00:48:48,551 --> 00:48:49,653 ♪ I love the way you say it ♪ 899 00:48:49,677 --> 00:48:51,512 ♪ I love your heart ♪ 900 00:48:51,596 --> 00:48:53,031 ♪ And you're so smart, 'cause you gave away it ♪ 901 00:48:53,055 --> 00:48:54,640 ♪ I love your sis, I love your dad ♪ 902 00:48:54,724 --> 00:48:56,326 ♪ I love your mom, but more than all of that ♪ 903 00:48:56,350 --> 00:48:58,394 ♪ I love the fact that you are dumb enough ♪ 904 00:48:58,477 --> 00:49:01,439 ♪ To not realize everything I've said ♪ 905 00:49:01,522 --> 00:49:04,066 ♪ Has been said before in 1,000 ways ♪ 906 00:49:04,149 --> 00:49:07,695 ♪ In 1,000 songs sung with the same four chords ♪ 907 00:49:07,779 --> 00:49:10,406 ♪ But you'll still love it and let me finger you ♪ 908 00:49:10,489 --> 00:49:12,825 ♪ Yeah, finger you, finger you ♪ 909 00:49:12,909 --> 00:49:16,078 ♪ Oh, girl, I hope you don't think that I'm rude ♪ 910 00:49:16,161 --> 00:49:18,664 ♪ When I tell you that I love you, boo ♪ 911 00:49:18,748 --> 00:49:21,709 ♪ I also hope that you don't see through ♪ 912 00:49:21,793 --> 00:49:24,420 ♪ This cleverly constructed ruse ♪ 913 00:49:24,503 --> 00:49:26,380 ♪ Designed by a marketing team ♪ 914 00:49:26,464 --> 00:49:29,592 ♪ Cashing in on puberty and low self-esteem ♪ 915 00:49:29,675 --> 00:49:34,096 ♪ And girls' desperate need to feel loved ♪ 916 00:49:34,179 --> 00:49:37,182 ♪ America says we love a chorus ♪ 917 00:49:37,266 --> 00:49:39,894 ♪ But don't get complicated and bore us ♪ 918 00:49:39,976 --> 00:49:41,813 ♪ Though meaning might be missing ♪ 919 00:49:41,896 --> 00:49:44,774 ♪ We need to know the words after just one listen ♪ 920 00:49:44,857 --> 00:49:46,400 ♪ So repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪ 921 00:49:46,484 --> 00:49:49,069 ♪ Repeat stuff, repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪ 922 00:49:49,153 --> 00:49:51,614 ♪ Repeat stuff, repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪ 923 00:49:51,697 --> 00:49:53,491 ♪ Repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪ 924 00:49:53,574 --> 00:49:55,242 ♪ Yeah, oh, you know it ♪ 925 00:49:55,326 --> 00:49:58,913 ♪ ♪ 926 00:49:58,995 --> 00:50:00,581 ♪ I love my baby, and you know ♪ 927 00:50:00,665 --> 00:50:02,082 ♪ I couldn't live without her ♪ 928 00:50:02,166 --> 00:50:03,393 ♪ But now I need to make every girl ♪ 929 00:50:03,417 --> 00:50:05,210 ♪ Think this song's about her ♪ 930 00:50:05,294 --> 00:50:07,105 ♪ Just to make sure that they spread it like the plague ♪ 931 00:50:07,129 --> 00:50:09,507 ♪ So I describe my dream girl as really, really vague ♪ 932 00:50:09,590 --> 00:50:11,258 ♪ Like, I love your hands ♪ 933 00:50:11,342 --> 00:50:13,069 ♪ 'Cause your fingerprints are like no other ♪ 934 00:50:13,093 --> 00:50:14,386 ♪ I love your eyes and their ♪ 935 00:50:14,470 --> 00:50:16,096 ♪ Bluish, brownish, greenish color ♪ 936 00:50:16,180 --> 00:50:18,060 ♪ I love it when you smile that you smile wide ♪ 937 00:50:18,140 --> 00:50:20,893 ♪ And I love how your torso has an arm on either side ♪ 938 00:50:20,977 --> 00:50:24,271 ♪ Now, if you're my agent, you might be thinking ♪ 939 00:50:24,355 --> 00:50:26,983 ♪ "Oh, no, sound the alarms ♪ 940 00:50:27,107 --> 00:50:29,527 ♪ "You're not appealing to little girls ♪ 941 00:50:29,610 --> 00:50:31,278 ♪ "Who don't have arms ♪ 942 00:50:31,362 --> 00:50:34,323 ♪ "But they can't use iTunes, so fuck them ♪ 943 00:50:34,406 --> 00:50:36,158 ♪ Who needs them?" ♪ 944 00:50:36,241 --> 00:50:37,409 ♪ Oh, girl, I... ♪ 945 00:50:37,493 --> 00:50:40,412 Oh, hello, Satan. 946 00:50:42,748 --> 00:50:45,125 Satan, you taste so good. 947 00:50:45,209 --> 00:50:46,752 ♪ Repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪ 948 00:50:46,836 --> 00:50:49,338 ♪ Repeat stuff, repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪ 949 00:50:49,421 --> 00:50:51,047 Everybody. 950 00:50:51,131 --> 00:50:52,508 ♪ Repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪ 951 00:50:52,591 --> 00:50:54,259 ♪ Repeat stuff ♪ - Come on, louder. 952 00:50:54,343 --> 00:50:56,094 I can't hear you. 953 00:50:56,178 --> 00:50:58,430 ♪ Repeat stuff, repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪ 954 00:50:58,514 --> 00:51:00,056 ♪ Repeat stuff ♪ 955 00:51:03,143 --> 00:51:11,067 ♪ ♪ 956 00:51:13,362 --> 00:51:14,864 Young ones, listen up. 957 00:51:14,947 --> 00:51:17,867 ♪ I'm in magazines ♪ 958 00:51:17,950 --> 00:51:20,452 ♪ Full of model teens ♪ 959 00:51:20,536 --> 00:51:23,915 ♪ So far above you ♪ 960 00:51:26,417 --> 00:51:30,838 ♪ So read them and hate yourself ♪ 961 00:51:30,922 --> 00:51:35,760 ♪ Then pay me to tell you I love you ♪ 962 00:51:35,843 --> 00:51:38,470 I love you. 963 00:51:38,554 --> 00:51:41,933 ♪ And your parents will always come along ♪ 964 00:51:43,851 --> 00:51:47,229 ♪ Because their little girl is in love ♪ 965 00:51:47,312 --> 00:51:52,317 ♪ And how could love be wrong? ♪ 966 00:51:52,401 --> 00:51:58,198 ♪ How could love be wrong? ♪ 967 00:51:58,282 --> 00:52:00,284 ♪ When you repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪ 968 00:52:00,367 --> 00:52:03,119 ♪ Repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪ 969 00:52:03,203 --> 00:52:06,206 I am a vessel. 666. 970 00:52:06,290 --> 00:52:08,709 Illuminati. 971 00:52:08,793 --> 00:52:10,962 ♪ We know it's not right ♪ 972 00:52:11,045 --> 00:52:12,838 ♪ We know it's not funny ♪ 973 00:52:12,922 --> 00:52:15,382 ♪ But we'll stop beating this dead horse ♪ 974 00:52:15,466 --> 00:52:19,344 ♪ When it stops spitting out money ♪ 975 00:52:19,428 --> 00:52:21,722 ♪ But until then ♪ 976 00:52:21,806 --> 00:52:24,767 ♪ We will repeat stuff ♪ 977 00:52:40,365 --> 00:52:41,784 Thank you so much. 978 00:52:41,867 --> 00:52:45,788 You guys have been absolutely amazing. 979 00:52:45,871 --> 00:52:47,205 You've been absolutely amazing. 980 00:52:47,289 --> 00:52:49,165 That's the end of the show. 981 00:52:49,249 --> 00:52:51,794 I probably should've ended it on a sort of higher note there. 982 00:52:51,877 --> 00:52:53,420 But, yeah, that's the end of what. 983 00:52:53,504 --> 00:52:54,630 I hope you liked it. 984 00:52:54,713 --> 00:52:57,508 - Bo, oh, my God. How are you? 985 00:52:57,591 --> 00:52:59,760 I haven't seen you since, like, freshman year. 986 00:52:59,844 --> 00:53:01,428 Oh, my God. 987 00:53:01,512 --> 00:53:04,098 You were so, like, skinny and weird back then. 988 00:53:04,180 --> 00:53:06,391 But now you're... 989 00:53:06,475 --> 00:53:09,979 Anyway, you should totally come to this party I'm having tonight 990 00:53:10,062 --> 00:53:12,106 with a bunch of my college friends. 991 00:53:12,188 --> 00:53:14,316 It's gonna be off the chain hook. 992 00:53:14,399 --> 00:53:15,901 It's gonna be so good. 993 00:53:15,985 --> 00:53:18,654 You can play some songs for us or something. 994 00:53:18,737 --> 00:53:20,114 I've been telling everybody 995 00:53:20,196 --> 00:53:24,451 how good of friends we were back in the day. 996 00:53:24,535 --> 00:53:27,163 I know we never talked or hung out ever. 997 00:53:27,245 --> 00:53:30,290 But I think that's what made our friendship so special, 998 00:53:30,374 --> 00:53:31,458 you know? 999 00:53:31,542 --> 00:53:32,543 Anyway, text me. 1000 00:53:32,626 --> 00:53:34,170 Okay, bye. 1001 00:53:34,252 --> 00:53:35,504 - Mr. Burnham. 1002 00:53:35,587 --> 00:53:37,715 How you doing? Good? Good. 1003 00:53:37,798 --> 00:53:40,634 I'm an agent from out in Los Angeles. 1004 00:53:40,718 --> 00:53:42,344 Really dig your stuff, man. 1005 00:53:42,427 --> 00:53:44,847 It's out there, you know. I totally get it. 1006 00:53:44,930 --> 00:53:48,059 And the best part about it, man, you got all these young fans, 1007 00:53:48,142 --> 00:53:51,145 which is great, because young people... they're very passionate, 1008 00:53:51,227 --> 00:53:53,689 and they're very reliable consumers. 1009 00:53:53,772 --> 00:53:55,231 But what you got to do 1010 00:53:55,315 --> 00:53:57,044 in order to take your career to the next level, 1011 00:53:57,068 --> 00:53:58,819 you got to cater more heavily to them. 1012 00:53:58,903 --> 00:54:00,112 All right, we've done studies. 1013 00:54:00,196 --> 00:54:02,238 Young people do not respond to this, 1014 00:54:02,322 --> 00:54:04,075 you know, introspective material 1015 00:54:04,158 --> 00:54:06,869 or these challenges to the form, you know. 1016 00:54:06,952 --> 00:54:09,580 Young people want jokes they can relate to, okay? 1017 00:54:09,663 --> 00:54:13,000 So write a silly song about Facebook, you know? 1018 00:54:13,084 --> 00:54:15,753 Write some jokes about Twitter 1019 00:54:15,836 --> 00:54:19,590 or sugary cereals or Razor scooters. 1020 00:54:19,673 --> 00:54:20,883 Relate to them. 1021 00:54:20,966 --> 00:54:22,467 You know, also, you got to reestablish 1022 00:54:22,551 --> 00:54:24,431 your presence on the Internet, buddy, all right? 1023 00:54:24,469 --> 00:54:26,406 It's not important whether the material's good or not. 1024 00:54:26,430 --> 00:54:27,710 What's important is that you keep 1025 00:54:27,765 --> 00:54:30,184 the Bo Burnham brand alive and well. 1026 00:54:30,266 --> 00:54:31,852 You get it? Cool. 1027 00:54:31,936 --> 00:54:33,538 We'll discuss more later. I know it's a lot. 1028 00:54:33,562 --> 00:54:36,690 My number is 310-555... 1029 00:54:39,443 --> 00:54:40,652 - Fag. 1030 00:54:40,736 --> 00:54:41,820 What up, dude? What's up? 1031 00:54:41,904 --> 00:54:43,321 How are you, man? 1032 00:54:43,405 --> 00:54:45,407 You've changed, bro. 1033 00:54:45,490 --> 00:54:48,244 You've changed. I never knew you. 1034 00:54:48,326 --> 00:54:50,037 But my friend's old roommate's friend 1035 00:54:50,121 --> 00:54:52,706 said he knew you in high school, and you became a real asshole 1036 00:54:52,790 --> 00:54:54,583 once all this comedy stuff started happening. 1037 00:54:54,666 --> 00:54:57,044 What is it, man? You think you're better than us? 1038 00:54:57,128 --> 00:54:59,189 You think you're better than us just 'cause you're tall? 1039 00:54:59,213 --> 00:55:01,757 Well, congrats, man. You're tall. 1040 00:55:01,840 --> 00:55:03,842 Wow. It's incredible. 1041 00:55:03,926 --> 00:55:06,095 You want a trophy for being tall? 1042 00:55:06,178 --> 00:55:08,597 We should just give trophies to tall things. 1043 00:55:08,680 --> 00:55:11,600 Then every tree and building will have a trophy. 1044 00:55:11,683 --> 00:55:14,519 Does that make sense? 1045 00:55:14,603 --> 00:55:17,397 Yo, why are you acting all quiet and weird right now? 1046 00:55:17,481 --> 00:55:19,357 Yo, I know why you are. 1047 00:55:19,441 --> 00:55:21,361 It's 'cause you're an arrogant prick, that's why, 1048 00:55:21,401 --> 00:55:23,154 an arrogant fucking prick. 1049 00:55:23,237 --> 00:55:24,947 I once heard that you actually act quiet 1050 00:55:25,030 --> 00:55:27,532 because you're shy and introverted in real life 1051 00:55:27,616 --> 00:55:29,160 and that people shouldn't expect you 1052 00:55:29,243 --> 00:55:31,327 to act the same way offstage as you do onstage. 1053 00:55:31,411 --> 00:55:33,289 Yeah. 1054 00:55:33,371 --> 00:55:35,331 Yeah, that makes no sense. 1055 00:55:35,415 --> 00:55:37,835 Anyway, you want to buy some weed? 1056 00:55:37,918 --> 00:55:41,797 - Bo, oh, my God. 1057 00:55:41,880 --> 00:55:45,383 Bo, oh, my God. 1058 00:55:45,467 --> 00:55:48,929 Bo. Bo. 1059 00:55:49,013 --> 00:55:53,475 Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo. 1060 00:55:53,558 --> 00:55:55,769 Oh, my God. - Mr. Burnham. 1061 00:55:55,853 --> 00:55:57,104 - Bo, Bo. - Fag. 1062 00:55:57,188 --> 00:55:59,148 - Bo, oh, my God. - Mr. Burnham. 1063 00:55:59,231 --> 00:56:00,440 - Bo, Bo. - Fag. 1064 00:56:00,524 --> 00:56:02,818 - Bo, oh, my God. - Mr. Burnham. 1065 00:56:02,901 --> 00:56:04,195 - Bo, Bo. - Fag. 1066 00:56:04,278 --> 00:56:06,238 - Bo, oh, my God. - Mr. Burnham. 1067 00:56:06,322 --> 00:56:07,739 - Bo, Bo. - Fag. 1068 00:56:07,823 --> 00:56:08,949 - Bo, oh, my God. 1069 00:56:09,033 --> 00:56:10,075 - Mister... - Fag. 1070 00:56:10,159 --> 00:56:11,327 - Mister... Mister... - Fag. 1071 00:56:11,409 --> 00:56:13,245 - Bo, oh, my God. - Mister... 1072 00:56:13,329 --> 00:56:14,388 - Fag. - Mister... Mister... 1073 00:56:14,412 --> 00:56:15,412 - Fag. - Bo. 1074 00:56:15,455 --> 00:56:16,498 - Fag. - Oh, my God. 1075 00:56:16,581 --> 00:56:17,499 - Fag. - Mi... mi... 1076 00:56:17,582 --> 00:56:18,625 - Fag. - Mi... mi... 1077 00:56:18,709 --> 00:56:19,960 Mr. Burnham. - Fag. Fag. 1078 00:56:20,044 --> 00:56:20,961 - Oh, my God. - Fag. 1079 00:56:21,045 --> 00:56:22,087 Fag. - Mi... mi... 1080 00:56:22,171 --> 00:56:23,339 - Fag. - Mi... mi... 1081 00:56:23,421 --> 00:56:24,421 - Fag. - Mi... mi... 1082 00:56:24,464 --> 00:56:25,841 - Fag. - Mi... mi... 1083 00:56:25,924 --> 00:56:27,926 - Fag. - I am Satan, lord of darkness. 1084 00:56:28,010 --> 00:56:29,427 - Bo, oh, my God. - Fag. 1085 00:56:29,511 --> 00:56:30,595 - Mr. Burnham. - Fag. 1086 00:56:30,679 --> 00:56:32,388 - Bo. - Fag. 1087 00:56:32,472 --> 00:56:34,058 - Oh, my God. 1088 00:56:36,560 --> 00:56:37,769 - Fag. - Bo. 1089 00:56:37,853 --> 00:56:38,854 - Fag. - Oh, my God. 1090 00:56:38,937 --> 00:56:39,980 - Mr. Burnham. - Fag. 1091 00:56:40,064 --> 00:56:41,273 - Bo. - Fag. 1092 00:56:41,357 --> 00:56:42,398 - Bo, oh, my God. - Fag. 1093 00:56:42,482 --> 00:56:43,817 - Mr. Burnham. - Fag. 1094 00:56:43,901 --> 00:56:44,818 Bo. 1095 00:56:44,902 --> 00:56:45,944 - Hey. 1096 00:56:46,028 --> 00:56:47,779 - Hey. - What the hell? 1097 00:56:47,863 --> 00:56:49,489 - Hey. - Hey. 1098 00:56:49,573 --> 00:56:51,449 - You're not gonna hit the girl? 1099 00:56:51,533 --> 00:56:53,369 That's sexist. - F-f-f-fag. 1100 00:56:53,451 --> 00:56:55,131 - Mister... Mi... Mi... Mister... - Bo, Bo. 1101 00:56:55,204 --> 00:56:56,705 - We think you've changed, bro. 1102 00:56:56,788 --> 00:56:57,831 - We know best. 1103 00:56:57,915 --> 00:56:59,166 - You suck. 1104 00:56:59,250 --> 00:57:00,490 - We think you've changed, bro. 1105 00:57:00,542 --> 00:57:01,543 - We know best. 1106 00:57:01,626 --> 00:57:03,254 - You suck. - We think... 1107 00:57:03,337 --> 00:57:04,755 - We know... - You. 1108 00:57:04,838 --> 00:57:05,881 - We think... - We know... 1109 00:57:05,964 --> 00:57:06,882 - You. - We think... 1110 00:57:06,965 --> 00:57:08,175 - We know... - You. 1111 00:57:08,259 --> 00:57:09,176 - We think... - We know... 1112 00:57:09,260 --> 00:57:10,594 - You. - We think... 1113 00:57:10,677 --> 00:57:11,845 - We know... - You. 1114 00:57:11,929 --> 00:57:12,971 - We think... - We know... 1115 00:57:13,055 --> 00:57:14,098 - You. - We think... 1116 00:57:14,181 --> 00:57:15,431 - We know... - You. 1117 00:57:15,515 --> 00:57:16,641 - We think... - We know... 1118 00:57:16,725 --> 00:57:18,143 - You. - We think... 1119 00:57:18,227 --> 00:57:19,270 - We know... - You. 1120 00:57:19,353 --> 00:57:20,353 - We think... - We know... 1121 00:57:20,396 --> 00:57:21,730 - You. - We think... 1122 00:57:21,813 --> 00:57:23,023 - We know... - You. 1123 00:57:23,107 --> 00:57:24,107 - We think... - We know... 1124 00:57:24,149 --> 00:57:25,234 - You. - We think... 1125 00:57:25,317 --> 00:57:26,693 - We know... - You. 1126 00:57:26,777 --> 00:57:27,903 - We think... - We know... 1127 00:57:27,986 --> 00:57:29,029 - You. - We think... 1128 00:57:29,113 --> 00:57:30,281 - We know... - You. 1129 00:57:30,364 --> 00:57:31,365 - We think... - We know... 1130 00:57:31,448 --> 00:57:32,866 - You. - We think... 1131 00:57:32,950 --> 00:57:33,992 - We know... - You. 1132 00:57:34,076 --> 00:57:35,076 - We think- - We know... 1133 00:57:35,119 --> 00:57:36,412 - You. - We think... 1134 00:57:36,494 --> 00:57:37,537 - We know... - You. 1135 00:57:37,621 --> 00:57:38,705 - We think... - We know... 1136 00:57:38,789 --> 00:57:40,040 - You. - We think... 1137 00:57:40,124 --> 00:57:41,292 - We know... - You. 1138 00:57:41,375 --> 00:57:42,459 - We think... - We know... 1139 00:57:42,542 --> 00:57:43,794 - You. - We think... 1140 00:57:43,877 --> 00:57:45,254 - We know... - You. 1141 00:57:45,337 --> 00:57:46,380 - We think... - We know... 1142 00:57:46,463 --> 00:57:47,463 - You. - We think... 1143 00:57:47,505 --> 00:57:48,840 - We know... - You. 1144 00:57:51,009 --> 00:57:52,010 - We think... - We know... 1145 00:57:52,094 --> 00:57:53,137 - You. - We think... 1146 00:57:53,220 --> 00:57:54,930 - We know... - You. 1147 00:57:55,013 --> 00:57:56,307 ♪ We think we know you ♪ 1148 00:57:56,390 --> 00:57:57,891 ♪ We think we know you ♪ 1149 00:57:57,975 --> 00:57:59,684 ♪ We think we know you ♪ 1150 00:57:59,768 --> 00:58:02,313 ♪ We think we know you ♪ 1151 00:58:02,396 --> 00:58:03,688 ♪ We think we know you ♪ 1152 00:58:03,772 --> 00:58:05,316 ♪ We think we know you ♪ 1153 00:58:05,399 --> 00:58:06,900 ♪ We think we know you ♪ 1154 00:58:06,984 --> 00:58:08,693 - Mister... Mister... Mister... 1155 00:58:08,777 --> 00:58:11,238 Mister. 1156 00:58:11,322 --> 00:58:12,739 - Bo, oh, my God. 1157 00:58:12,823 --> 00:58:15,492 Bo, oh, my God. Bo. 1158 00:58:15,575 --> 00:58:18,620 ♪ Oh, my God ♪ 1159 00:58:18,703 --> 00:58:22,374 ♪ Bo, oh, my God ♪ 1160 00:58:22,458 --> 00:58:24,335 ♪ Bo, oh, my God ♪ 1161 00:58:24,418 --> 00:58:25,836 - ♪ Fag, fag ♪ 1162 00:58:25,919 --> 00:58:27,545 - ♪ Bo ♪ - ♪ Fag, fag ♪ 1163 00:58:27,629 --> 00:58:29,714 - ♪ Oh, my God ♪ - ♪ Fag, fag ♪ 1164 00:58:29,798 --> 00:58:31,883 - ♪ Bo, oh, my God ♪ - ♪ Fag, fag, fag ♪ 1165 00:58:31,967 --> 00:58:33,718 ♪ Fag, fag ♪ - ♪ Bo, Bo ♪ 1166 00:58:33,802 --> 00:58:36,805 - ♪ Fag, fag ♪ - ♪ Bo, Bo ♪ 1167 00:58:36,888 --> 00:58:39,141 ♪ ♪ 1168 00:58:39,224 --> 00:58:42,436 ♪ Oh, my God ♪ 1169 00:58:42,519 --> 00:58:45,522 ♪ Oh, my God ♪ 1170 00:58:45,605 --> 00:58:49,943 ♪ Oh, my God ♪ 1171 00:58:50,027 --> 00:58:52,737 ♪ Oh, my God ♪ 1172 00:58:52,821 --> 00:58:55,740 ♪ Oh, my God ♪ - ♪ Mr. Burnham ♪ 1173 00:58:55,824 --> 00:58:57,742 ♪ Mr. Burnham ♪ 1174 00:58:57,826 --> 00:59:01,205 - ♪ Oh, my God ♪ - ♪ Mr. Burnham ♪ 1175 00:59:01,288 --> 00:59:04,749 - ♪ Oh, my God ♪ - ♪ Mr. Burnham ♪ 1176 00:59:04,833 --> 00:59:08,962 - ♪ Oh, my God ♪ - ♪ Mr. Burnham ♪ 1177 00:59:09,046 --> 00:59:10,630 Mr. Burnham. 1178 00:59:12,090 --> 00:59:14,551 - Bo, you going to school in the fall? 1179 00:59:14,634 --> 00:59:17,388 - What? - You going to school this year? 1180 00:59:17,471 --> 00:59:20,432 - No. You leave, and I'll go... 1181 00:59:20,516 --> 00:59:23,185 And I'll stay at my school. 1182 00:59:23,268 --> 00:59:24,269 - Yeah, right. 1183 00:59:24,353 --> 00:59:25,937 Who's your teacher gonna be? 1184 00:59:26,021 --> 00:59:27,439 - Mrs. Blanket. 1185 00:59:27,523 --> 00:59:28,524 - Who? 1186 00:59:28,606 --> 00:59:30,317 - Mrs. Blanket. 1187 00:59:30,401 --> 00:59:31,860 - Mrs. Boynton? 1188 00:59:31,943 --> 00:59:36,490 - No, Mrs. Boynton is gonna be Mrs. Blanket. 1189 00:59:36,573 --> 00:59:37,991 - Oh. 1190 00:59:38,075 --> 00:59:40,244 - That's my friend, Mrs... 1191 00:59:40,327 --> 00:59:42,704 That's my teacher, Mrs. Blanket. 1192 00:59:42,787 --> 00:59:46,666 And that's my teacher, Mrs. Blanket. 1193 00:59:46,750 --> 00:59:50,421 - Bosy, what do you think you're gonna do at school? 1194 00:59:50,504 --> 00:59:52,130 - Oh... 1195 00:59:52,214 --> 00:59:53,715 I'm gonna bring Jell-O 1196 00:59:53,798 --> 00:59:55,884 and a fruit snack 1197 00:59:55,967 --> 00:59:59,221 and Tinker Bell 1198 00:59:59,304 --> 01:00:03,350 and all my stuff 1199 01:00:03,434 --> 01:00:06,103 and all my stuff and banana and apple... 1200 01:00:06,186 --> 01:00:07,872 - Yeah, I know. You're gonna eat some snacks. 1201 01:00:07,896 --> 01:00:09,523 But what else are you gonna do there? 88357