Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[cheers and applause]
4
00:00:55,017 --> 00:00:56,845
THANK YOU.
5
00:00:56,845 --> 00:00:58,151
[laughter]
6
00:00:58,151 --> 00:01:00,022
WHEN I SAY HEY,
YOU SAY HO.
7
00:01:00,022 --> 00:01:01,023
HEY.HO!
8
00:01:01,023 --> 00:01:02,807
HEY.HO!
9
00:01:02,807 --> 00:01:04,505
THAT'’S BASICALLY HOW HITLER
ROSE TO POWER.
10
00:01:04,505 --> 00:01:08,422
[laughter,
soft piano music plays]
11
00:01:15,472 --> 00:01:17,822
♪ MY SHOW
IS A LITTLE BIT SILLY ♪
12
00:01:17,822 --> 00:01:20,521
♪ AND A LITTLE BIT
PRETENTIOUS ♪
13
00:01:20,521 --> 00:01:23,567
♪ LIKE SHAKESPEARE'’S WILLIE ♪
14
00:01:23,567 --> 00:01:26,179
♪ OR NOAM CHOMSKY
WEARING A STRAP-ON ♪
15
00:01:31,401 --> 00:01:33,838
♪ IT'’S ALSO A LITTLE BIT GAY ♪
16
00:01:33,838 --> 00:01:36,406
♪ AND A LITTLE BIT OFFENSIVE ♪
17
00:01:36,406 --> 00:01:39,627
♪ LIKE THANKSGIVING DAY ♪
18
00:01:39,627 --> 00:01:42,456
♪ OR NOAM CHOMSKY
WEARING A STRAP... ON ♪
19
00:01:47,591 --> 00:01:49,550
♪ SO PUT YOUR CELL PHONES
TO VIBRATE ♪
20
00:01:53,336 --> 00:01:56,165
♪ AND PUT YOUR VIBRATORS
TO CELL-PHONE MODE ♪
21
00:01:58,211 --> 00:01:59,690
♪ AND WELCOME TO THE SHOW ♪
22
00:01:59,690 --> 00:02:01,910
♪ IT GOES A LITTLE BIT
LIKE THIS--JOKE ♪
23
00:02:01,910 --> 00:02:03,433
♪ EXACTLY,
WELCOME TO MY FLOW ♪
24
00:02:03,433 --> 00:02:05,218
♪ IT FLOWS A LITTLE BIT
LIKE THIS ♪
25
00:02:05,218 --> 00:02:06,828
♪ WITH A RAP AND A DISS ♪
26
00:02:06,828 --> 00:02:08,917
♪ THEN A SWIFT RAP ON THE WRIST
A RAP AND A KISS ♪
27
00:02:08,917 --> 00:02:10,658
♪ LIKE HERSHEY'’S WRAPPIN'’
A KISS, SHIT ♪
28
00:02:10,658 --> 00:02:12,225
♪ I GOT A SHOW
THAT'’LL TEST YOUR KIDS ♪
29
00:02:12,225 --> 00:02:13,617
♪ AND I'’D ASK ONE QUESTION,
AND THE QUESTION IS ♪
30
00:02:13,617 --> 00:02:15,402
♪ WHAT'’S FUNNY? ♪
31
00:02:15,402 --> 00:02:17,143
♪ WHAT'’S FUNNY,
WHAT'’S FUNNY, WHAT'’S FUNNY? ♪
32
00:02:17,143 --> 00:02:18,970
♪ WHAT'’S FUNNY,
WHAT'’S FUNNY, WHAT'’S FUNNY? ♪
33
00:02:18,970 --> 00:02:20,233
♪ FUNNY, FU-FUNNY ♪
34
00:02:21,451 --> 00:02:23,236
♪ WHAT'’S FUNNY ♪
35
00:02:23,236 --> 00:02:25,194
♪ WHAT'’S FUNNY, WHAT'’S FUNNY,
WHAT'’S FUNNY? ♪
36
00:02:25,194 --> 00:02:26,804
♪ WHAT'’S FUNNY, WHAT'’S FUNNY,
WHAT'’S FUNNY? ♪
37
00:02:26,804 --> 00:02:30,112
♪ FUNNY, OH, YEAH ♪
38
00:02:30,112 --> 00:02:34,072
♪ HUMOR IS OFTEN LINKED
TO SHARED EXPERIENCE ♪
39
00:02:34,072 --> 00:02:35,683
♪ LIKE A GUY GETS UP AND SAYS
HAVE YOU NOTICED ♪
40
00:02:35,683 --> 00:02:38,076
♪ THAT PUBLIC RESTROOMS HAVE
REALLY INEFFICIENT HAND DRYERS ♪
41
00:02:38,076 --> 00:02:40,078
♪ OH, MY GOD,
YES, I HAVE ♪
42
00:02:40,078 --> 00:02:42,080
♪ HA HA HA,
REALLY GOOD POINT ♪
43
00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:44,126
♪ THEY SHOULD FIX THAT ♪
44
00:02:44,126 --> 00:02:47,173
♪ IT'’S GOOD TO KNOW
THAT SOMEBODY FINALLY GETS ME ♪
45
00:02:47,173 --> 00:02:48,957
♪ '’CAUSE MY WIFE DIVORCED ME
WHICH SUBCONSCIOUSLY FORCED ME ♪
46
00:02:48,957 --> 00:02:50,828
♪ TO LOSE ALL SENSE OF SELF ♪
47
00:02:50,828 --> 00:02:53,135
♪ SO IT'’S NICE TO THINK
ABOUT HAND DRYERS ♪
48
00:02:53,135 --> 00:02:54,919
♪ AND NOT THAT CHEATING WHORE ♪
49
00:02:54,919 --> 00:02:58,445
♪ BECAUSE STAND-UP COMEDY
IS ACTUALLY PRETTY EASY ♪
50
00:02:58,445 --> 00:03:01,274
♪ IF YOU'’RE AN ASIAN COMIC
JUST GET UP AND SAY ♪
51
00:03:01,274 --> 00:03:03,232
♪ MY MOTHER'’S GOT
THE WEIRDEST FUCKIN'’ ACCENT ♪
52
00:03:03,232 --> 00:03:05,452
♪ THEN JUST DO
A CHINESE ACCENT ♪
53
00:03:05,452 --> 00:03:07,497
♪ '’CAUSE EVERYBODY LAUGHS
AT THE CHINESE ACCENT ♪
54
00:03:07,497 --> 00:03:09,717
♪ BECAUSE THEY PRIVATELY THOUGHT
YOUR PEOPLE WERE LAUGHABLE ♪
55
00:03:09,717 --> 00:03:11,501
♪ NOW YOU'’VE GIVEN THEM
THE CHANCE ♪
56
00:03:11,501 --> 00:03:12,415
♪ TO EXPRESS THAT IN PUBLIC ♪
57
00:03:14,809 --> 00:03:17,638
♪ OH, YEAH,
IF YOU'’RE A MUSICAL COMIC ♪
58
00:03:17,638 --> 00:03:20,336
♪ JUST GIVE '’EM A LITTLE WEIRD
VOICE INFLECTION ♪
59
00:03:20,336 --> 00:03:21,990
♪ THEN TAKE A VIAGRA ♪
60
00:03:21,990 --> 00:03:24,079
♪ AND SLAP '’EM
WITH A ROCK-HARD MISDIRECTION ♪
61
00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:25,863
♪ OH, WHAT'’S FUNNY? ♪
62
00:03:25,863 --> 00:03:27,691
♪ WHAT'’S FUNNY, WHAT'’S FUNNY,
WHAT'’S FUNNY? ♪
63
00:03:27,691 --> 00:03:29,432
♪ WHAT'’S FUNNY, WHAT'’S FUNNY,
WHAT'’S FUNNY? ♪
64
00:03:29,432 --> 00:03:31,129
♪ FUNNY, FU-FUNNY ♪
65
00:03:31,129 --> 00:03:33,697
TOURETTES!
♪ WHAT'’S FUNNY? ♪
66
00:03:33,697 --> 00:03:35,612
♪ WHAT'’S FUNNY, WHAT'’S FUNNY,
WHAT'’S FUNNY? ♪
67
00:03:35,612 --> 00:03:37,353
♪ WHAT'’S FUNNY, WHAT'’S FUNNY,
WHAT'’S FUNNY? ♪
68
00:03:37,353 --> 00:03:39,050
♪ FUNNY, OH ♪
69
00:03:39,050 --> 00:03:41,357
♪ AND THE AUDIENCE SAYS,
WHEN I WAS A BABY ♪
70
00:03:41,357 --> 00:03:44,317
♪ MAYBE I LAUGHED AT PEOPLE
JIGGLING KEYS ♪
71
00:03:44,317 --> 00:03:46,884
♪ NOW I'’M OLDER
AND BOLDER AND JUST GET MAD ♪
72
00:03:46,884 --> 00:03:48,799
♪ '’CAUSE I NOTICE THAT THE KEYS
ARE TO A HUMMER ♪
73
00:03:48,799 --> 00:03:50,888
♪ FUCK MY LIFE,
I DON'’T FUCK MY WIFE ♪
74
00:03:50,888 --> 00:03:52,934
♪ SO FUCK MY WIFE
AND FUCK MY LIFE ♪
75
00:03:52,934 --> 00:03:55,023
♪ AND MY SON IS GAY,
BUT NOT SITCOM GAY ♪
76
00:03:55,023 --> 00:03:56,329
♪ DAUGHTER'’S A WHORE
LIKE ANOTHER GIRL ♪
77
00:03:56,329 --> 00:03:58,026
♪ THAT USED TO BE YOUR MOTHER ♪
78
00:03:58,026 --> 00:03:59,897
♪ BUT THE MARRIAGE
MADE HER MISS MARY AMERICANA ♪
79
00:03:59,897 --> 00:04:02,073
♪ I WANNA TEAM WITH
THAT SCREAMIN'’ PRIMA DONNA ♪
80
00:04:02,073 --> 00:04:05,338
♪ BUT THE RADICAL FEMINISTS
MADE MY WIFE A MAN ♪
81
00:04:05,338 --> 00:04:08,079
♪ OH, AND IF I DIE HAPPY
THE SITUATION ♪
82
00:04:08,079 --> 00:04:10,952
♪ WILL BE AUTOEROTIC
ASPHYXIATION ♪
83
00:04:10,952 --> 00:04:13,563
♪ I HATE MY LIFE
AND IT HATES ME BACK ♪
84
00:04:13,563 --> 00:04:15,086
♪ AND MY FRIEND IS BLACK ♪
85
00:04:15,086 --> 00:04:17,524
♪ BUT I DON'’T KNOW
WHAT TO CALL HIM ♪
86
00:04:17,524 --> 00:04:19,613
♪ SO I JUST CALL HIM ♪
87
00:04:19,613 --> 00:04:21,441
"WHAT UP, JAMAL?"
88
00:04:21,441 --> 00:04:23,269
[laughter]
89
00:04:23,269 --> 00:04:25,227
♪ EVEN THOUGH HIS NAME
IS STEVE ♪
90
00:04:25,227 --> 00:04:26,489
♪ I HATE MY JOB,
I HATE MY LIFE ♪
91
00:04:26,489 --> 00:04:28,274
♪ HATE MY KIDS,
I HATE MY WIFE ♪
92
00:04:28,274 --> 00:04:29,797
♪ JEWS DON'’T I KNOW I DO IT,
JUDAS BEAT ME TO IT ♪
93
00:04:29,797 --> 00:04:33,017
♪ I'’M SLOWLY SLIPPING
INTO A SOLIPSISTIC COMA ♪
94
00:04:33,017 --> 00:04:35,106
♪ AND I MASTURBATE
'’CAUSE I'’M THE ONLY ONE ♪
95
00:04:35,106 --> 00:04:37,195
♪ WHOSE STANDARDS
ARE LOW ENOUGH TO FUCK ME ♪
96
00:04:37,195 --> 00:04:40,286
[laughter]
97
00:04:40,286 --> 00:04:42,331
[cheers and applause]
98
00:04:56,389 --> 00:04:58,173
♪ WHAT'’S FUNNY? ♪
99
00:04:58,173 --> 00:05:00,175
♪ WHAT'’S FUNNY, WHAT'’S FUNNY,
WHAT'’S FUNNY? ♪
100
00:05:00,175 --> 00:05:01,916
♪ WHAT'’S FUNNY, WHAT'’S FUNNY,
WHAT'’S FUNNY? ♪
101
00:05:01,916 --> 00:05:03,526
♪ FUNNY, FU-FUNNY ♪
102
00:05:03,526 --> 00:05:06,399
[pops] IT'’S A BOY.
♪ WHAT'’S FUNNY? ♪
103
00:05:06,399 --> 00:05:08,270
♪ WHAT'’S FUNNY, WHAT'’S FUNNY,
WHAT'’S FUNNY? ♪
104
00:05:08,270 --> 00:05:10,054
♪ WHAT'’S FUNNY, WHAT'’S FUNNY,
WHAT'’S FUNNY? ♪
105
00:05:10,054 --> 00:05:12,709
♪ FUNNY, YEAH ♪
106
00:05:12,709 --> 00:05:14,450
♪ HOPEFULLY THIS ♪[plays finale]
107
00:05:14,450 --> 00:05:16,278
[raspberry]
THANK YOU.
108
00:05:16,278 --> 00:05:18,280
[cheers and applause]
109
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:30,858
THANK YOU.
110
00:05:30,858 --> 00:05:32,860
MY EX-GIRLFRIEND
HAD A REALLY WEIRD FETISH.
111
00:05:32,860 --> 00:05:34,818
SHE USED TO LIKE TO DRESS UP
AS HERSELF
112
00:05:34,818 --> 00:05:37,168
AND THEN ACT LIKE
A FUCKIN'’ BITCH ALL THE TIME.
113
00:05:37,168 --> 00:05:38,866
[laughter]
114
00:05:42,826 --> 00:05:45,002
BUT YOU KNOW,
THEY SAY IF YOU WANNA KNOW
115
00:05:45,002 --> 00:05:46,656
WHAT A GIRL'’S GONNA LOOK LIKE,
LOOK AT HER MOTHER,
116
00:05:46,656 --> 00:05:48,832
YOU KNOW, SO I'’M SO GLAD
I BROKE UP WITH HER,
117
00:05:48,832 --> 00:05:51,269
'’CAUSE SHE WOULD'’VE BEEN,
YOU KNOW...
118
00:05:51,269 --> 00:05:52,880
DEAD.
119
00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:55,796
[laughter and groaning]
120
00:05:55,796 --> 00:05:57,667
[woman]
I WANT YOUR BABY!
121
00:05:57,667 --> 00:05:59,103
I'’M KEEPING HIM.
122
00:06:02,411 --> 00:06:05,588
GUYS, I'’M A REALIST!
I'’M A REALIST.
123
00:06:05,588 --> 00:06:08,243
I TRY NOT TO ROMANTICIZE
REALITY.
124
00:06:08,243 --> 00:06:10,114
YOU KNOW, LIKE WHEN LIFE
GIVES YOU LEMONS,
125
00:06:10,114 --> 00:06:12,378
YOU PROBABLY
JUST FOUND LEMONS.
126
00:06:14,423 --> 00:06:15,903
BUT AT THE SAME TIME,
127
00:06:15,903 --> 00:06:18,122
I DON'’T DENY THE BEAUTY
IN THE WORLD
128
00:06:18,122 --> 00:06:20,255
'’CAUSE THERE IS SO MUCH BEAUTY,
BECAUSE LIFE
129
00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:22,039
CAN BE SO SYMMETRICAL,
130
00:06:22,039 --> 00:06:24,259
IT GIVES BIRTH TO THIS
ALMOST SILENT POETRY,
131
00:06:24,259 --> 00:06:27,088
YOU KNOW, LIKE A HERMAPHRODITE
PLAYING THE KEYTAR,
132
00:06:27,088 --> 00:06:28,742
OR A YOUNG AMISH BOY TRYING TO
BLOW OUT THE LIGHT BULBS
133
00:06:28,742 --> 00:06:30,831
ON HIS BIRTHDAY CAKE,
134
00:06:30,831 --> 00:06:33,834
OR A GIRL--A GIRL
WHO'’S TERRIBLE AT GRAMMAR
135
00:06:33,834 --> 00:06:35,923
SAYING, "MAMA,
YOU RAISED ME GOOD."
136
00:06:35,923 --> 00:06:39,230
AND THEN BEING PUSHED
DOWN A WELL.
137
00:06:39,230 --> 00:06:40,057
SYMMETRY.
138
00:06:42,451 --> 00:06:45,193
HERE'’S SOME RACIAL HUMOR
FOR YOU.
139
00:06:45,193 --> 00:06:47,543
WHITE PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS--
"EH."
140
00:06:47,543 --> 00:06:49,197
BLACK PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS--
"WHA."
141
00:06:49,197 --> 00:06:52,069
WE'’RE DESTINED TO FIGHT FOREVER.
BLOOD IN THE STREETS.
142
00:06:52,069 --> 00:06:53,941
[laughter]
143
00:06:57,945 --> 00:06:59,468
IF I HAD A DIME--HA!
144
00:06:59,468 --> 00:07:01,775
IF I HAD A DIME FOR EVERY TIME
A HOMELESS GUY
145
00:07:01,775 --> 00:07:04,125
ASKED ME FOR CHANGE,
I'’D STILL SAY, "NO."
146
00:07:04,125 --> 00:07:04,995
[laughter]
147
00:07:04,995 --> 00:07:06,823
NO. NOPE.
148
00:07:11,654 --> 00:07:13,221
YO'’ MAMA SO FAT!
YO'’ MAMA SO UGLY!
149
00:07:13,221 --> 00:07:14,788
YO'’ MAMA SO STUPID!
150
00:07:14,788 --> 00:07:16,224
YOUR MOTHER'’S BREASTS SAG
WITH SUCH SEVERITY
151
00:07:16,224 --> 00:07:18,618
THAT THE LATE GREAT
SURREALIST ARTIST SALVADOR DALI
152
00:07:18,618 --> 00:07:20,620
MISTOOK THEM FOR CLOCKS.
153
00:07:21,795 --> 00:07:23,492
[laughter and applause]
154
00:07:32,370 --> 00:07:34,111
UM, THANK YOU.
155
00:07:34,111 --> 00:07:37,637
I--I BELIEVE--
156
00:07:37,637 --> 00:07:40,727
I BELIEVE FIRMLY
THAT WOMEN ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.
157
00:07:40,727 --> 00:07:42,729
[cheers and applause]I DO. I DO.
158
00:07:45,732 --> 00:07:47,821
OH,
I SHOULD REPHRASE THAT.
159
00:07:47,821 --> 00:07:49,953
I, UH...
160
00:07:49,953 --> 00:07:50,911
DON'’T.
161
00:07:54,654 --> 00:07:56,438
♪ MEN AND WOMEN ♪
162
00:07:56,438 --> 00:07:58,396
THIS SONG IS CALLED
"MEN AND WOMEN"!
163
00:08:00,790 --> 00:08:04,794
♪ MEN ARE LIKE VOWS ♪
164
00:08:04,794 --> 00:08:06,361
♪ '’CAUSE THEY'’RE
EASILY BROKEN ♪
165
00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:07,623
♪ OH, YEAH ♪
166
00:08:10,626 --> 00:08:15,109
♪ WOMEN ARE LIKE COWS ♪
167
00:08:15,109 --> 00:08:17,154
♪ '’CAUSE THEY BOTH HAVE
VAGINAS ♪
168
00:08:20,810 --> 00:08:24,335
♪ MEN ARE LIKE MUZZLES ♪
169
00:08:24,335 --> 00:08:26,337
♪ BECAUSE THEY'’LL
TRY TO SHUT YOU UP ♪
170
00:08:26,337 --> 00:08:27,164
♪ OH, YEAH ♪
171
00:08:30,907 --> 00:08:33,083
♪ WOMEN ARE LIKE PUZZLES ♪
172
00:08:33,083 --> 00:08:37,523
♪ '’CAUSE PRIOR TO 1920,
NEITHER HAD THE RIGHT TO VOTE ♪
173
00:08:37,523 --> 00:08:40,700
♪ PUZZLES STILL DON'’T ♪
174
00:08:40,700 --> 00:08:43,137
♪ OH,
A MAN IS AN EAGLE ♪
175
00:08:43,137 --> 00:08:46,357
♪ YEAH,
A WOMAN IS A DOVE ♪
176
00:08:46,357 --> 00:08:49,447
♪ WOMEN CAN FAKE ORGASMS ♪
177
00:08:49,447 --> 00:08:53,321
♪ BUT MEN CAN FAKE LOVE ♪
178
00:08:53,321 --> 00:08:54,757
[cheers and applause]
179
00:09:02,983 --> 00:09:07,161
♪ WOMEN ARE LIKE FINGERS
AND TOES ♪
180
00:09:07,161 --> 00:09:09,293
♪ '’CAUSE THEY'’RE EASY
TO COUNT ON ♪
181
00:09:09,293 --> 00:09:11,165
[audience aws]IT'’S CUTE.
182
00:09:11,165 --> 00:09:13,471
[laughter]
183
00:09:13,471 --> 00:09:17,345
♪ MEN ARE LIKE RAVENS
AND CROWS ♪
184
00:09:17,345 --> 00:09:19,913
♪ '’CAUSE THEY HATE
USING CONDOMS ♪
185
00:09:19,913 --> 00:09:21,610
[laughter and applause]
186
00:09:21,610 --> 00:09:24,178
WHAT?
187
00:09:24,178 --> 00:09:27,877
♪ WOMEN ARE LIKE YAHTZEES,
OH, YEAH ♪
188
00:09:27,877 --> 00:09:31,315
♪ '’CAUSE I RARELY GET THEM ♪
189
00:09:31,315 --> 00:09:33,709
I DON'’T.
190
00:09:33,709 --> 00:09:38,366
♪ MEN ARE LIKE NAZIS ♪
191
00:09:38,366 --> 00:09:41,717
♪ '’CAUSE THEY BOTH CAUSED
THE HOLOCAUST ♪
192
00:09:41,717 --> 00:09:43,501
IT'’S TRUE.
193
00:09:43,501 --> 00:09:44,938
♪ OH, YEAH ♪
194
00:09:44,938 --> 00:09:46,679
♪ FOR EVERY DOLLAR
THAT A MAN MAKES ♪
195
00:09:46,679 --> 00:09:48,985
♪ A WOMAN MAKES 70 CENTS ♪
196
00:09:48,985 --> 00:09:52,075
♪ THAT DOESN'’T MAKE SENSE,
THAT'’S NOT FAIR ♪
197
00:09:52,075 --> 00:09:54,687
♪ THE MAN'’S ONLY LEFT
WITH 30 ♪
198
00:10:00,257 --> 00:10:01,824
♪ MEN AND WOMEN ♪
199
00:10:04,697 --> 00:10:08,396
♪ OH, MEN AND WOMEN,
IT'’S BLACK AND WHITE ♪
200
00:10:08,396 --> 00:10:10,703
♪ WITH AN AREA OF GRAY
FOR HERMAPHRODITE ♪
201
00:10:10,703 --> 00:10:12,705
♪ OH, YEAH ♪
202
00:10:12,705 --> 00:10:16,056
♪ OH, WELL, YEAH ♪
203
00:10:16,056 --> 00:10:18,580
♪ MALE STRIPPERS ♪
204
00:10:18,580 --> 00:10:20,756
♪ ALWAYS LOOK LIKE
THEY'’RE APPLYING LOTION ♪
205
00:10:20,756 --> 00:10:23,585
♪ AND FEMALE STRIPPERS WHEN
THEY'’RE DANCING ON THE POLE ♪
206
00:10:23,585 --> 00:10:25,631
♪ JUST LOOK LIKE ♪
207
00:10:25,631 --> 00:10:27,241
♪ CONFUSED FIREMEN ♪
208
00:10:29,591 --> 00:10:30,853
THANKS.
209
00:10:30,853 --> 00:10:32,855
[cheers and applause]
210
00:10:40,341 --> 00:10:42,299
THANK YOU.
211
00:10:42,299 --> 00:10:43,257
[man]
PICK THAT WEDGE!
212
00:10:43,257 --> 00:10:45,259
[mocking laugh]
213
00:10:45,259 --> 00:10:48,523
[laughter]
214
00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:50,220
[audience member
wolf whistles]
215
00:10:53,310 --> 00:10:55,182
I'’M 19 YEARS OLD.
I'’M A YOUNG COMEDIAN.
216
00:10:55,182 --> 00:10:56,574
I HATE THAT TERM
"YOUNG COMEDIAN."
217
00:10:56,574 --> 00:10:58,794
I PREFER "PRODIGY."
218
00:10:58,794 --> 00:11:01,667
AND PEOPLE PIGEONHOLE ME,
219
00:11:01,667 --> 00:11:04,757
YOU KNOW, AS A COMIC,
WHICH IS SO DISINGENUOUS.
220
00:11:04,757 --> 00:11:06,454
'’CAUSE I'’M NOT A COMEDIAN.
I'’M AN ARTIST.
221
00:11:06,454 --> 00:11:08,804
AND I DON'’T DO COMEDY SHOWS.
I DO ONE-MAN SHOWS.
222
00:11:08,804 --> 00:11:12,329
I'’VE BEEN DOING THEM--
1998 WAS MY FIRST ONE-MAN SHOW.
223
00:11:12,329 --> 00:11:14,984
IT WAS A SHOW ABOUT JEWS
IN NAZI GERMANY
224
00:11:14,984 --> 00:11:16,899
CALLED
"UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS."
225
00:11:16,899 --> 00:11:19,859
[light laughter]NO, NO, NO,
WATCH AND THEN JUDGE.
226
00:11:19,859 --> 00:11:22,078
THIS IS A SCENE
FROM "UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS."
227
00:11:22,078 --> 00:11:23,210
[clears throat]
228
00:11:23,210 --> 00:11:24,428
HEY.
229
00:11:24,428 --> 00:11:27,867
SHH!
230
00:11:27,867 --> 00:11:30,217
THEN IN '’99--[laughter and applause]
231
00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:39,574
'’99, I DID A PIECE CALLED
"THE CATHOLIC ORGASM."
232
00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:41,794
I'’LL DO A SCENE FROM THAT.
233
00:11:41,794 --> 00:11:44,492
[moans, sobs]
234
00:11:46,407 --> 00:11:50,585
2000...UM...
235
00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:56,460
2000, I DID A PIECE CALLED
"THE INAPPROPRIATE MUSICIAN."
236
00:11:56,460 --> 00:11:58,724
MIKE...
237
00:11:58,724 --> 00:12:01,074
MIKE, BACK OFF THE LEDGE,
MIKE.
238
00:12:01,074 --> 00:12:02,075
MIKE,
THINK ABOUT YOUR KIDS.
239
00:12:02,075 --> 00:12:03,772
YOU WANT THEM TO GROW UP
WITHOUT A FATHER?
240
00:12:03,772 --> 00:12:05,905
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, MIKE?
MIKE, PLEASE, LISTEN TO ME!
241
00:12:05,905 --> 00:12:08,385
I'’M YOUR FRIEND! MIKE!
MIKE, NO, MIKE!
242
00:12:08,385 --> 00:12:10,257
NO, MIKE!
243
00:12:10,257 --> 00:12:13,521
[plays descending note]
244
00:12:13,521 --> 00:12:16,002
[plays ascending note]HE'’S SAVED.
245
00:12:16,002 --> 00:12:19,483
AND THEN IN, UM, 2001,
246
00:12:19,483 --> 00:12:21,834
I DID JOHN STEINBECK'’S
"THE GRAPES OF WRATH,"
247
00:12:21,834 --> 00:12:23,183
EXCEPT I ADAPTED IT
INTO A STORY
248
00:12:23,183 --> 00:12:25,185
ABOUT AN INTERGALACTIC SEXUAL
PREDATOR
249
00:12:25,185 --> 00:12:26,795
CALLED "THE RAPES OF GRATH."
250
00:12:26,795 --> 00:12:30,277
[laughter]
251
00:12:30,277 --> 00:12:31,887
2002, I DID A PIECE--
252
00:12:31,887 --> 00:12:33,976
IF YOU'’RE FAMILIAR WITH
THE PIECE "THE ELEPHANT MAN"
253
00:12:33,976 --> 00:12:36,413
I DID A PIECE BASED OFF THAT
CALLED "BULLDOG MAN"
254
00:12:36,413 --> 00:12:39,808
AND I'’LL DO A MONOLOGUE
FROM THAT RIGHT NOW.
255
00:12:39,808 --> 00:12:41,810
[laughter]
256
00:12:52,386 --> 00:12:55,519
2000, UH...[cheers and applause]
257
00:12:55,519 --> 00:12:58,653
2000--THANK YOU.
THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.
258
00:12:58,653 --> 00:13:01,221
I GOT A DANZA NOMINATION
FOR THAT.
259
00:13:01,221 --> 00:13:04,267
IT'’S RIGHT AFTER THE TONYS.
2000--
260
00:13:04,267 --> 00:13:05,834
2003 I DID A PIECE
261
00:13:05,834 --> 00:13:08,228
CALLED "THE NATIVE AMERICAN
IN THE MAGIC SHOW."
262
00:13:08,228 --> 00:13:10,447
HOW?
263
00:13:10,447 --> 00:13:12,101
[laughter]
264
00:13:12,101 --> 00:13:18,020
2004, I DID A PIECE CALLED
"SMEAGOL FROM LORD OF THE RINGS
265
00:13:18,020 --> 00:13:20,762
HAVING SEX WITH A BLACK GIRL.
266
00:13:20,762 --> 00:13:22,503
[imitates Gollum]
OH! PRECIOUS.
267
00:13:22,503 --> 00:13:24,722
[laughter and applause]
268
00:13:24,722 --> 00:13:26,724
TWO THOU...
269
00:13:33,383 --> 00:13:36,038
2005, I DID A PIECE CALLED
270
00:13:36,038 --> 00:13:37,779
"CHARLIE BROWN
GETTING MOLESTED."
271
00:13:37,779 --> 00:13:41,043
[clears throat]
272
00:13:41,043 --> 00:13:43,480
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HELLO, IS ANYBODY HERE?
273
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:45,482
[imitates "Charlie Brown"
adult speech]
274
00:13:45,482 --> 00:13:47,615
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
LET GO OF ME!
275
00:13:47,615 --> 00:13:49,356
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
276
00:13:49,356 --> 00:13:53,273
[rhythmically imitates
"Charlie Brown" adult speech]
277
00:13:53,273 --> 00:13:54,578
GOOD GRIEF!
278
00:13:54,578 --> 00:13:57,451
SO, 2000, UM..
279
00:13:57,451 --> 00:14:01,890
[cheers and applause]THANK YOU. YEAH.
280
00:14:01,890 --> 00:14:03,936
THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.
281
00:14:03,936 --> 00:14:06,547
2005, 6? 5?
282
00:14:06,547 --> 00:14:08,244
DOESN'’T MATTER.
I'’M LYING.
283
00:14:08,244 --> 00:14:12,770
2000--[laughter]
284
00:14:12,770 --> 00:14:16,862
2006, I DID A PIECE CALLED
"THE FIGURE SKATER'’S FATHER."
285
00:14:20,474 --> 00:14:22,215
MY SON?
WHAT DOES HE DO?
286
00:14:22,215 --> 00:14:23,346
HE'’S A, UH...
287
00:14:26,872 --> 00:14:30,136
HE'’S AN ATHLETE.
288
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:32,007
WHAT KIND OF ATHLETE?
289
00:14:32,007 --> 00:14:33,052
HE'’S A, UH...
290
00:14:37,230 --> 00:14:38,840
HE'’S A F--
291
00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:40,102
HE A--
292
00:14:40,102 --> 00:14:42,496
HE'’S A F--
293
00:14:42,496 --> 00:14:44,150
[women scream]
294
00:14:44,150 --> 00:14:46,152
2000...[laughter]
295
00:14:49,024 --> 00:14:53,159
2007, I DID A PIECE CALLED
"THE JUGGLER'’S WIFE."
296
00:14:53,159 --> 00:14:56,379
"PLEASE STOP JUGGLING!"
297
00:14:58,991 --> 00:15:01,950
2008...
298
00:15:01,950 --> 00:15:05,040
I DID A DARK PIECE THAT CAUSED
A LOT OF CONTROVERSY
299
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:06,650
BECAUSE I PLAYED A SLAVE
IN THE 1780s,
300
00:15:06,650 --> 00:15:08,783
BUT I DIDN'’T WEAR MAKEUP,
'’CAUSE AS AN ARTIST,
301
00:15:08,783 --> 00:15:10,785
I FEEL I'’M QUALIFIED
TO TELL ANY STORY.
302
00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:14,049
AND IT WAS
A PIECE CALLED "WHIPLASHES,"
303
00:15:14,049 --> 00:15:16,965
AND IT'’S RAW, HARD ART,
SO IF YOU'’RE AVERSE TO THAT,
304
00:15:16,965 --> 00:15:19,098
YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOOK AWAY.
305
00:15:19,098 --> 00:15:21,013
BUT THIS IS THE CLIMACTIC SCENE
FROM "WHIPLASHES."
306
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:29,021
YOU'’LL HAVE TO ANSWER
TO GOD FOR THIS.
307
00:15:31,849 --> 00:15:33,677
[imitates whip crack]OW.
308
00:15:33,677 --> 00:15:35,375
[laughter]
309
00:15:44,819 --> 00:15:47,953
YOU'’RE A DICK.
310
00:15:47,953 --> 00:15:51,391
AND THEN, UM...
311
00:15:51,391 --> 00:15:54,002
2009,
WHICH IS THE FINAL PIECE
312
00:15:54,002 --> 00:15:56,787
BEFORE THE PIECE
I'’M DOING CURRENTLY, UM...
313
00:15:56,787 --> 00:15:58,702
I DID
A REALLY EMOTIONAL PIECE.
314
00:15:58,702 --> 00:16:01,053
IT MEANS A LOT TO ME,
SO FORGIVE ME IF I BREAK DOWN,
315
00:16:01,053 --> 00:16:02,880
BUT IT'’S CALLED
THE "THE BOY AND HIS DOG."
316
00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:04,447
IT GOES LIKE THIS.
317
00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:09,757
GET OUT OF HERE, ALL RIGHT?
GO, PLEASE.
318
00:16:09,757 --> 00:16:11,802
I CAN'’T AFFORD TO KEEP YOU
ANYMORE, I JUST CAN'’T.
319
00:16:11,802 --> 00:16:14,849
JUST...DON'’T MAKE THIS HARDER
THAN IT HAS TO BE.
320
00:16:14,849 --> 00:16:16,242
JUST--I HATE YOU.
321
00:16:16,242 --> 00:16:17,939
IS THAT WHAT YOU NEED
TO HEAR FROM ME?
322
00:16:17,939 --> 00:16:19,462
I HATE YOU, OKAY?
I HATE YOU.
323
00:16:19,462 --> 00:16:21,160
[voice breaks]
I HATE YOU!
324
00:16:24,946 --> 00:16:26,948
AND IT'’S JUST NOT ME.
325
00:16:29,342 --> 00:16:31,126
MY DOG HATES MEXICANS,
TOO.
326
00:16:31,126 --> 00:16:34,956
[laughter]
327
00:16:34,956 --> 00:16:37,263
[cheers and applause]
328
00:16:50,798 --> 00:16:52,930
OH, GOD.
GOTTA LOVE IRONY.
329
00:16:52,930 --> 00:16:54,932
I, UM...
330
00:17:01,983 --> 00:17:03,941
I BELIEVE IN THE ZODIAC.
331
00:17:03,941 --> 00:17:05,769
I DO, I DO, COMPLETELY.
332
00:17:05,769 --> 00:17:07,771
I'’M A LEO.
I LOVE "TITANIC."
333
00:17:07,771 --> 00:17:11,384
BUT THIS IS SOMETHING
A LITTLE BIT MORBIDLY IRONIC.
334
00:17:11,384 --> 00:17:14,039
MY GRANDMOTHER,
SHE WAS A CANCER,
335
00:17:14,039 --> 00:17:16,302
AND SHE
WAS ACTUALLY KILLED
336
00:17:16,302 --> 00:17:18,434
BY A GIANT CRAB.
337
00:17:18,434 --> 00:17:19,653
[laughter]
338
00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:23,744
THIS IS A SONG
ABOUT THE IDEA OF IRONY.
339
00:17:23,744 --> 00:17:27,356
SO STRAP IN.[lively piano music plays]
340
00:17:27,356 --> 00:17:29,793
♪ MY DOG'’S STOMACH
WAS VERY UPSET ♪
341
00:17:29,793 --> 00:17:32,448
♪ SO I PUT HIM IN THE CAR,
AND WE WENT TO THE VET ♪
342
00:17:32,448 --> 00:17:34,668
♪ AND ON OUR WAY TO THE VET ♪
343
00:17:34,668 --> 00:17:36,148
♪ I KILLED A CAT ♪
344
00:17:36,148 --> 00:17:38,715
♪ HEY,
I SAID ISN'’T THAT IRONIC? ♪
345
00:17:40,543 --> 00:17:43,372
♪ I ADOPTED A CHILD
FROM OVERSEAS ♪
346
00:17:43,372 --> 00:17:45,722
♪ TO RESCUE HIM
FROM CHILD-LABOR FACTORIES ♪
347
00:17:45,722 --> 00:17:47,681
♪ AND ON HIS
VERY FIRST BIRTHDAY ♪
348
00:17:47,681 --> 00:17:51,163
♪ WE WENT
TO BUILD-A-BEAR WORKSHOP ♪
349
00:17:51,163 --> 00:17:53,513
♪ ISN'’T THAT IRONIC? ♪
350
00:17:53,513 --> 00:17:56,211
♪ ISN'’T THAT I-R-O-N-I-C ♪
351
00:17:56,211 --> 00:18:00,085
♪ I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C ♪
352
00:18:00,085 --> 00:18:02,435
♪ WATER PARK
IS BURNED TO THE GROUND ♪
353
00:18:02,435 --> 00:18:05,307
♪ AND A TOW TRUCK
HAS BROKEN DOWN ♪
354
00:18:05,307 --> 00:18:07,918
♪ I ALWAYS USED TO CRY
WHEN I LAUGHED ♪
355
00:18:07,918 --> 00:18:10,530
♪ AND THEN I WAS RAPED
BY A CLOWN ♪
356
00:18:10,530 --> 00:18:12,009
[laughter]
357
00:18:15,578 --> 00:18:17,014
♪ ISN'’T-- ♪
358
00:18:19,191 --> 00:18:22,063
♪ I WAS WATCHING AL GORE
ON CNN ♪
359
00:18:22,063 --> 00:18:24,761
♪ HE WAS TALKING AND TALKING
AND TALKING AND THEN ♪
360
00:18:24,761 --> 00:18:29,375
♪ OUT OF BOREDOM MY PET
POLAR BEAR SHOT HIMSELF ♪
361
00:18:29,375 --> 00:18:30,854
♪ ISN'’T THAT IRONIC? ♪
362
00:18:32,639 --> 00:18:35,598
♪ I DATED
AN ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVIST ♪
363
00:18:35,598 --> 00:18:37,992
♪ AND ONE DAY
SHE GOT REALLY PISSED ♪
364
00:18:37,992 --> 00:18:41,952
♪ BECAUSE I WAS EATING VEAL
THAT WAS WRAPPED IN PITA BREAD ♪
365
00:18:41,952 --> 00:18:43,780
PETA? FUCK IT.
366
00:18:43,780 --> 00:18:45,739
[laughter]
367
00:18:45,739 --> 00:18:48,394
♪ ISN'’T THAT I-R-O-N-I-C ♪
368
00:18:48,394 --> 00:18:52,441
♪ I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C? ♪
369
00:18:52,441 --> 00:18:55,618
♪ YEAH,
I'’M A STAND-UP COMIC ♪
370
00:18:55,618 --> 00:18:57,968
♪ AND I ALWAYS SIT
AND SLOUCH ♪
371
00:18:57,968 --> 00:19:00,884
♪ AND I GOT
MY GIRLFRIEND PREGNANT ♪
372
00:19:00,884 --> 00:19:04,540
♪ ON MY STERILE UNCLE'’S
PULL-OUT COUCH ♪
373
00:19:04,540 --> 00:19:08,022
[chuckles]
374
00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:11,286
♪ ISN'’T IT IRONIC?
I-R-O-N-I-C ♪
375
00:19:11,286 --> 00:19:14,811
♪ YEAH, IF EVERY DAY YOU PLAY
THE BOARD GAME RISK ♪
376
00:19:14,811 --> 00:19:18,075
♪ YOU'’VE PROBABLY NEVER TAKEN
A RISK IN YOUR LIFE ♪
377
00:19:18,075 --> 00:19:21,078
♪ AND MONOPOLY
HAS FAR FROM A STRANGLEHOLD ♪
378
00:19:21,078 --> 00:19:22,906
♪ ON THE BOARD GAME MARKET ♪
379
00:19:22,906 --> 00:19:25,170
♪ A LITTLE KID DIED
FROM SUFFOCATION ♪
380
00:19:25,170 --> 00:19:28,042
♪ WHEN HE CHOKED ON A GAME PIECE
FROM OPERATION ♪
381
00:19:28,042 --> 00:19:30,479
♪ AND I CAN'’T GROW A BEARD ♪
382
00:19:30,479 --> 00:19:31,654
♪ THAT ONE'’S NOT IRONIC ♪
383
00:19:31,654 --> 00:19:33,482
♪ THAT ONE'’S JUST SAD ♪
384
00:19:33,482 --> 00:19:35,180
[laughter]
385
00:19:37,878 --> 00:19:42,926
♪ YEAH, BOB BARKER
GOT ALL OF MY PETS PREGNANT ♪
386
00:19:42,926 --> 00:19:44,624
[laughter]
387
00:19:50,586 --> 00:19:53,415
♪ MY GRANDFATHER
HAD ALZHEIMER'’S ♪
388
00:19:53,415 --> 00:19:55,983
♪ AND ONE DAY, WE WERE ♪
389
00:19:55,983 --> 00:19:59,116
[laughter]
390
00:19:59,116 --> 00:20:00,814
[cheers and applause]
391
00:20:06,298 --> 00:20:09,475
[man]
TAKE IT OFF, BIG BOY!
392
00:20:09,475 --> 00:20:11,303
THANK YOU,
IT'’S A MEDIUM.
393
00:20:11,303 --> 00:20:14,436
UM...[laughter]
394
00:20:14,436 --> 00:20:17,787
WE LIVE IN A BINARY REALITY.
WE DO.
395
00:20:17,787 --> 00:20:18,962
IT'’S A WORLD OF BLACK
AND WHITE.
396
00:20:18,962 --> 00:20:21,835
THERE'’S ONLY TWO TYPES
OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD,
397
00:20:21,835 --> 00:20:23,532
YOU KNOW,
THOSE WHO CAN FINISH LISTS...
398
00:20:23,532 --> 00:20:27,101
WHAT IS ART?
WHAT IS ART?
399
00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:29,973
IS ART SOMETHING GAY PEOPLE DO
TO GET BACK AT THEIR FATHERS?
400
00:20:29,973 --> 00:20:32,062
COULD BE.
WHAT IS AN ARTIST?
401
00:20:32,062 --> 00:20:34,500
WHAT MAKES A GREAT ARTIST,
GREAT ARTISTS LIKE MYSELF,
402
00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:36,066
LIKE THE GREAT DIRECTOR
MICHAEL BAY.
403
00:20:36,066 --> 00:20:38,155
LIKE THE GREAT IRISH ACTOR,
SHAQUILLE O'’NEAL.
404
00:20:41,463 --> 00:20:45,554
WE ASK QUESTIONS, YOU KNOW?
405
00:20:45,554 --> 00:20:48,775
QUESTIONS NOBODY ELSE
DARES TO ASK.
406
00:20:48,775 --> 00:20:51,778
QUESTIONS LIKE...
407
00:20:51,778 --> 00:20:53,954
WHERE ARE ALL
THE SOUR PATCH PARENTS?
408
00:21:00,526 --> 00:21:02,267
QUESTIONS LIKE
IF MICKEY'’S A MOUSE
409
00:21:02,267 --> 00:21:03,790
AND MINNIE'’S A MOUSE,
AND DONALD'’S A DUCK,
410
00:21:03,790 --> 00:21:05,226
AND DAISY AND GOOFY,
IF THEY'’RE ALL ANIMALS,
411
00:21:05,226 --> 00:21:09,796
AND THEY CAN TALK,
WHY IS PLUTO JUST A FUCKIN'’ DOG?
412
00:21:09,796 --> 00:21:13,147
WHY--DID THEY JUST FORGET TO
ANTHROPOMORPHIZE HIM, OR WORSE,
413
00:21:13,147 --> 00:21:15,715
IS MICKEY KEEPING A MENTALLY
HANDICAPPED DUDE AS PET?
414
00:21:15,715 --> 00:21:17,847
I'’M NOT MAKING LIGHT OF IT.
THAT'’S FUCKED UP.
415
00:21:17,847 --> 00:21:20,154
HOW DOES IT FIT INTO
THAT UNIVERSE, THAT PARADIGM?
416
00:21:20,154 --> 00:21:22,374
GOOFY'’S A DOG. HE'’S TALKING.
THIS ONE, CRAWLING AROUND.
417
00:21:22,374 --> 00:21:26,029
[laughter]
418
00:21:26,029 --> 00:21:29,642
GUYS, I WOULD NEVER BASH DISNEY.
I WOULD NEVER BASH DISNEY.
419
00:21:29,642 --> 00:21:32,122
I THINK DISNEY TEACHES
YOUNG KIDS
420
00:21:32,122 --> 00:21:33,472
SUCH IMPORTANT LESSONS.
421
00:21:33,472 --> 00:21:35,300
THE PRINCESS FAIRY TALES
TEACH YOUNG GIRLS
422
00:21:35,300 --> 00:21:37,171
SUCH IMPORTANT LESSONS.
423
00:21:37,171 --> 00:21:38,564
YOU KNOW, LIKE CINDERELLA,
424
00:21:38,564 --> 00:21:40,305
IT DOESN'’T MATTER
WHERE YOU COME FROM
425
00:21:40,305 --> 00:21:43,133
OR HOW POOR YOU ARE AS LONG
AS YOU'’RE INCREDIBLY HOT.
426
00:21:43,133 --> 00:21:45,353
[laughter]
427
00:21:45,353 --> 00:21:49,488
SNOW WHITE, YOU KNOW, WHICH
ENCOURAGES CHILDREN TO,
428
00:21:49,488 --> 00:21:51,446
YOU KNOW,
GIVE MIDGETS NICKNAMES.
429
00:21:58,453 --> 00:22:00,150
SLEEPING BEAUTY,
YOU KNOW,
430
00:22:00,150 --> 00:22:02,849
WHICH ENCOURAGES, UH...
431
00:22:02,849 --> 00:22:04,677
DATE RAPE.
432
00:22:04,677 --> 00:22:06,243
MAYBE NOT--
MAYBE NOT THAT ONE.
433
00:22:09,159 --> 00:22:11,771
I WAS DOING A SHOW RECENTLY
ON THE BORDER
434
00:22:11,771 --> 00:22:13,990
OF HANNAH, MONTANA,
AND SOUTH DAKOTA FANNING.
435
00:22:13,990 --> 00:22:16,863
AND A GUY CAME UP TO ME
AFTER THE SHOW,
436
00:22:16,863 --> 00:22:18,734
AND SAID, "BO, WHY DON'’T
YOU EVER TELL STORIES
437
00:22:18,734 --> 00:22:20,214
ABOUT PEOPLE COMING UP TO YOU
AFTER THE SHOW?"
438
00:22:20,214 --> 00:22:21,824
AND I SAID,
"'’CAUSE THEY'’RE NEVER FUNNY."
439
00:22:21,824 --> 00:22:24,784
[light laughter]
440
00:22:24,784 --> 00:22:27,656
[man]
I WOULD FUCK YOU.
441
00:22:27,656 --> 00:22:29,789
[mocking laugh]
THIS IS A LISTENING SHOW.
442
00:22:29,789 --> 00:22:32,226
[laughter]UM...
443
00:22:32,226 --> 00:22:35,795
[light applause]
444
00:22:35,795 --> 00:22:37,536
YEAH.
445
00:22:37,536 --> 00:22:42,018
BE QUIET, AMERICA DOESN'’T
WANT TO HEAR YOU CLAP.
446
00:22:42,018 --> 00:22:43,759
DO IT, THOUGH,
WHEN I NEED IT.
447
00:22:43,759 --> 00:22:45,021
[scattered clapping]WHEN I NEED IT!
448
00:22:45,021 --> 00:22:47,763
[laughter]
449
00:22:47,763 --> 00:22:50,287
I'’VE ALWAYS WANTED
A BLACK GIRLFRIEND,
450
00:22:50,287 --> 00:22:52,246
NOT AS JOKE,
JUST '’CAUSE LIKE,
451
00:22:52,246 --> 00:22:56,076
THEN WHEN WE 69,
I CAN CALL IT "YIN YANGING."
452
00:22:56,076 --> 00:22:58,078
[audience groans, applause]GUYS, SEE--
453
00:22:58,078 --> 00:23:00,907
EASY, LOOK,
IT'’S 21st-CENTURY RACISM.
454
00:23:00,907 --> 00:23:03,170
IT'’S RACISM
IN LIGHT OF ITSELF.
455
00:23:03,170 --> 00:23:05,172
THE ONLY REASON I'’M MAKING THESE
CLAIMS IS BECAUSE THE STIGMAS
456
00:23:05,172 --> 00:23:08,088
ABOUT RACE ARE ALREADY THERE
AND I'’M JUST PLAYING OFF THAT.
457
00:23:08,088 --> 00:23:10,830
'’CAUSE I THINK RACISM ITSELF
IS SO RIDICULOUS,
458
00:23:10,830 --> 00:23:12,527
AND THEY UNDERSTAND THAT,
SO IF AFTER THE SHOW,
459
00:23:12,527 --> 00:23:14,007
YOU SEE A BLACK GUY
BEATING ME UP,
460
00:23:14,007 --> 00:23:16,879
HE'’S DOING IT IRONICALLY.
461
00:23:16,879 --> 00:23:17,880
OKAY?
462
00:23:25,540 --> 00:23:27,237
[audience members shouting]
463
00:23:29,326 --> 00:23:30,893
[laughter]
464
00:23:30,893 --> 00:23:33,461
[woman]
I'’LL SLEEP WITH YOU!
465
00:23:33,461 --> 00:23:34,897
[laughter]
466
00:23:34,897 --> 00:23:36,856
[woman] WE ALL WILL!
467
00:23:36,856 --> 00:23:38,553
[audience members shouting]
468
00:23:43,079 --> 00:23:44,385
YA DONE?
469
00:23:44,385 --> 00:23:47,736
[laughter]
470
00:23:47,736 --> 00:23:50,304
OF COURSE ALL THE WOMEN THAT
SAID THAT WERE IN THE DARK.
471
00:23:50,304 --> 00:23:53,176
I, UM...[laughter]
472
00:23:53,176 --> 00:23:55,570
NO, I BET YOU'’RE GORGEOUS
IN THE DARK.
473
00:23:55,570 --> 00:23:57,964
UM...
474
00:23:57,964 --> 00:24:00,401
OKAY.
475
00:24:00,401 --> 00:24:03,230
[slow piano music plays]
476
00:24:14,371 --> 00:24:16,330
[tempo increases]♪ I'’M A FEMININE EMINEM ♪
477
00:24:16,330 --> 00:24:18,550
♪ A SLIM SHADY LADY BUT NICE
'’CAUSE I TEXTED HAITI ♪
478
00:24:18,550 --> 00:24:20,334
♪ 90 LADY COPS IN THE ROAD ♪
479
00:24:20,334 --> 00:24:22,292
♪ AND I'’M ARRESTED
FOR DOIN'’ 80 ♪
480
00:24:22,292 --> 00:24:24,730
♪ LIKE HAMLET, I'’M ABOUT WORDS,
WORDS, WORDS ♪
481
00:24:24,730 --> 00:24:26,601
♪ DIVIDE A WHOLE INTO THIRDS,
THIRDS, THIRDS ♪
482
00:24:26,601 --> 00:24:28,168
♪ I'’M A GAY SEA OTTER ♪
483
00:24:28,168 --> 00:24:29,735
♪ I BLOW OTHER DUDES
OUT OF THE WATER ♪
484
00:24:29,735 --> 00:24:32,128
♪ I'’M THE MAN-MUFFIN
DIVIN'’ MUFFIN, ♪
485
00:24:32,128 --> 00:24:33,608
♪ COLD AND FLY
LIKE AN ARCTIC PUFFIN'’ ♪
486
00:24:33,608 --> 00:24:35,610
♪ PUFFIN'’ WACKY-TOBACCY ♪
487
00:24:35,610 --> 00:24:37,438
♪ HATIN'’ OTHER RAPPERS
LIKE I'’M HUGGIN'’ PATAKI ♪
488
00:24:37,438 --> 00:24:39,614
♪ AND I'’VE BEEN ROCKIN'’ THIS MIC
BEFORE ELECTRICITY ♪
489
00:24:39,614 --> 00:24:41,747
♪ WAY BACK IN 1,000 B.C.E. ♪
490
00:24:41,747 --> 00:24:43,836
♪ THAT'’S BEFORE
THE COMIN'’ ERA-- ♪
491
00:24:43,836 --> 00:24:45,620
[imitates record scratching]
492
00:24:45,620 --> 00:24:47,274
♪ OH, GOD, CAN'’T BE STOPPED ♪
493
00:24:47,274 --> 00:24:49,058
♪ FLOW SO SICK
THAT IT SHOULD BE MOPPED UP ♪
494
00:24:49,058 --> 00:24:50,843
♪ CHICK'’S GOT A DIXIE CUP ♪
495
00:24:50,843 --> 00:24:52,758
♪ I GOT A DICK FULL OF HELIUM,
I'’LL FUCK YOU UP ♪
496
00:24:52,758 --> 00:24:54,760
♪ A BOY, A GIRL,
A MIDDLE-AGED BITCH ♪
497
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:56,979
♪ BOTOX IN THE THIRD PERSON ♪
498
00:24:56,979 --> 00:24:58,720
♪ I GAVE THE PERSPECTIVE
A SWITCH AND ♪
499
00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:00,635
♪ BOTOX IN THE THIRD PERSON ♪
500
00:25:00,635 --> 00:25:02,202
♪ OH, JUST RELAX ♪
501
00:25:02,202 --> 00:25:03,899
♪ IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ME
HERE'’S TWO FACTS ♪
502
00:25:03,899 --> 00:25:06,685
♪ I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES ♪
503
00:25:06,685 --> 00:25:08,687
♪ AND I'’M A HYPOCRITE ♪
504
00:25:08,687 --> 00:25:10,993
[laughter]
505
00:25:10,993 --> 00:25:14,649
♪ SAID I HATE
CATCHY CHORUSES ♪
506
00:25:14,649 --> 00:25:16,303
♪ AND I'’M A HYPOCRITE ♪
507
00:25:16,303 --> 00:25:17,739
YEAH!
508
00:25:17,739 --> 00:25:20,133
♪ MET A GIRL NAMED MACY ♪
509
00:25:20,133 --> 00:25:21,656
♪ I HAD SEX WITH HER
ALL DAY ♪
510
00:25:21,656 --> 00:25:23,136
♪ BUT SHE WAS DYSLEXIC ♪
511
00:25:23,136 --> 00:25:25,573
♪ SO I ENDED UP
DOING THE YMCA ♪
512
00:25:25,573 --> 00:25:27,053
♪ WE BALL IN ASIAN ♪
513
00:25:27,053 --> 00:25:29,577
♪ WE BOWL IN PROSTATE CANCER
SEMICOLON ♪
514
00:25:29,577 --> 00:25:31,666
♪ FIND THAT HOLE
LIKE I'’M STEPHEN HAWKING ♪
515
00:25:31,666 --> 00:25:33,755
♪ ATTICUS FINCH,
KILLING, MOCKING ♪
516
00:25:33,755 --> 00:25:35,191
♪ CRY LIKE A CHILD WOULD ♪
517
00:25:35,191 --> 00:25:36,889
♪ YOU RAPED MY CHILDHOOD ♪
518
00:25:36,889 --> 00:25:38,760
♪ JUST STROLLIN'’,
ROLLIN'’ YOUR POLE IN ♪
519
00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:40,501
♪ TO ROLY-POLLY
OLLY'’S COLON ♪
520
00:25:40,501 --> 00:25:42,503
♪ TO RELAX THE MIND ♪
521
00:25:42,503 --> 00:25:44,287
♪ I TAKE A WALK BY THE CLOCK,
AND I PASS THE TIME ♪
522
00:25:44,287 --> 00:25:46,159
♪ AND RHYMIN'’
MATHEMATICAL TIMING ♪
523
00:25:46,159 --> 00:25:47,856
♪ SYNTAX IMPACTS
THE INTACT TIMIN'’ ♪
524
00:25:47,856 --> 00:25:49,858
♪ I'’M AN INTERNET PROVIDER ♪
525
00:25:49,858 --> 00:25:51,730
♪ CAME FROM THE WEB
LIKE A HORNY SPIDER ♪
526
00:25:51,730 --> 00:25:53,558
♪ KISSED A GIRL
IN AN APPLE ORCHARD ♪
527
00:25:53,558 --> 00:25:55,037
♪ THEN SLIPPED IN CIDER ♪
["inside her"]
528
00:25:55,037 --> 00:25:56,691
♪ I THOUGHT AIDS
WAS A BUTT VIRUS ♪
529
00:25:56,691 --> 00:25:59,172
♪ LIKE CONJUNCTION JUNCTION
CONJUNCTIVITIS ♪
530
00:25:59,172 --> 00:26:01,957
♪ I SPIT GOLD BARS '’CAUSE I WAS
MOLESTED BY MY UNCLE MIDAS ♪
531
00:26:01,957 --> 00:26:04,656
♪ GAY DADS BLOW POPS,
ANOTHER SUCKER ♪
532
00:26:04,656 --> 00:26:06,266
♪ OEDIPUS
WAS THE FIRST MOTHER FUCKER ♪
533
00:26:06,266 --> 00:26:08,834
♪ I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES ♪
534
00:26:08,834 --> 00:26:10,531
♪ AND I'’M A HYPOCRITE ♪
535
00:26:10,531 --> 00:26:12,794
♪ HUNGRY,
HUNGRY HYPOCRITE ♪
536
00:26:12,794 --> 00:26:15,710
♪ I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES ♪
537
00:26:15,710 --> 00:26:17,494
♪ AND I'’M A HYPOCRITE ♪
538
00:26:19,801 --> 00:26:21,368
♪ WE THE PEOPLE OF USA ♪
539
00:26:21,368 --> 00:26:23,718
♪ JOSE, WE'’RE NOT TALKING
TO YOU, ESSE ♪
540
00:26:23,718 --> 00:26:25,415
♪ WE GOT A BORDER IN ORDER
TO KEEP YOU OUT ♪
541
00:26:25,415 --> 00:26:27,200
♪ IT'’S WHAT MY NYU ESSAY
IS ABOUT ♪
542
00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:29,115
♪ '’CAUSE WE'’RE SOUTH OF HEAVEN,
NORTH OF HELL ♪
543
00:26:29,115 --> 00:26:30,812
♪ BUY, BUY, BUY, BUY,
BUY, BUY, SELL ♪
544
00:26:30,812 --> 00:26:32,640
♪ WE GUARD THE BORDER
AND WE GUARD IT WELL ♪
545
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:34,686
♪ BUT SOME SLIP THROUGH THE
CRACKS OF THE LIBERTY BELL ♪
546
00:26:34,686 --> 00:26:36,601
♪ DID I SAY LIBERTY?
I MEANT TACO, PACO ♪
547
00:26:36,601 --> 00:26:38,167
♪ HEY, YOU BETTER
LET THAT ROCK GO ♪
548
00:26:38,167 --> 00:26:39,865
♪ '’CAUSE IN REAL LIFE,
GOLIATH WINS ♪
549
00:26:39,865 --> 00:26:41,388
♪ SELLS ALL THE SILK
THAT THE WIDOW SPINS ♪
550
00:26:41,388 --> 00:26:43,259
♪ YEAH, ONE MORE TIME ♪
551
00:26:43,259 --> 00:26:46,262
♪ I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES ♪
552
00:26:46,262 --> 00:26:48,221
♪ AND I'’M A HYPOCRITE ♪
553
00:26:48,221 --> 00:26:50,658
♪ SAID A HUNGRY,
HUNGRY HYPOCRITE ♪
554
00:26:50,658 --> 00:26:53,095
♪ I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES ♪
555
00:26:53,095 --> 00:26:55,750
♪ AND I'’M A HY-Y-POCRITE ♪
556
00:26:55,750 --> 00:26:57,317
YEAH.
557
00:26:57,317 --> 00:26:59,711
♪ BITCHES AND HOES,
BO'’S HOES ♪
558
00:26:59,711 --> 00:27:01,451
♪ YEAH,
BITCHES AND HOES ♪
559
00:27:01,451 --> 00:27:04,324
♪ YEAH, I SAID BITCHES,
HOES ♪
560
00:27:04,324 --> 00:27:05,847
♪ BITCHES AND HOES
DON'’T EXIST ♪
561
00:27:05,847 --> 00:27:08,023
♪ BECAUSE THE HOES KNOW
BO'’S A FEMINIST ♪
562
00:27:08,023 --> 00:27:09,634
♪ BITCHES AND HOES
DON'’T EXIST ♪
563
00:27:09,634 --> 00:27:11,157
♪ BECAUSE THE HOES KNOW
BO'’S A FEMINIST ♪
564
00:27:11,157 --> 00:27:13,725
♪ SO TAKE YOUR BRAS
AND BURN '’EM ♪
565
00:27:13,725 --> 00:27:15,422
♪ YOU CAN LET ME BURN '’EM ♪
566
00:27:15,422 --> 00:27:16,989
♪ TAKE OFF YOUR BRAS
AND BURN '’EM ♪
567
00:27:16,989 --> 00:27:18,817
♪ OH, YOU CAN LET
BO BURNHAM BURN '’EM ♪
568
00:27:18,817 --> 00:27:21,080
♪ TAKE YOUR BRAS
AND BURN '’EM ♪[cheers and applause]
569
00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:22,690
♪ YOU CAN LET ME BURN '’EM ♪
570
00:27:22,690 --> 00:27:24,431
♪ TAKE OFF YOUR BRAS
AND BURN '’EM ♪
571
00:27:24,431 --> 00:27:26,346
♪ BURN '’EM, YOU CAN LET
BO BURNHAM BURN '’EM ♪
572
00:27:26,346 --> 00:27:28,087
[cheers and applause]
573
00:27:47,976 --> 00:27:49,325
WHAT THE FUCK?
574
00:27:49,325 --> 00:27:51,327
[laughter]
575
00:27:59,814 --> 00:28:02,077
LET US PRAY.
576
00:28:02,077 --> 00:28:03,688
DON'’T FEEL LIKE
YOU CAN'’T PARTICIPATE,
577
00:28:03,688 --> 00:28:05,211
BY THE WAY,
IF YOU'’RE NOT CHRISTIAN,
578
00:28:05,211 --> 00:28:08,518
'’CAUSE THIS IS A PRAYER
FOR ALL FAITHS, SO...
579
00:28:08,518 --> 00:28:10,520
DEAR JESUS OF NAZARETH...
580
00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:12,435
[laughter]
581
00:28:12,435 --> 00:28:14,437
FIRST OF ALL,
I'’D LIKE TO THANK YOU
582
00:28:14,437 --> 00:28:16,309
FOR CALLING YOURSELF
JESUS OF NAZARETH.
583
00:28:16,309 --> 00:28:18,354
IT'’S SORT OF LIKE THE LORD
OF THE RINGS OR SOMETHING.
584
00:28:18,354 --> 00:28:22,054
"I AM JESUS OF NAZARETH,
SON OF ORFLEK, THE BUTCHER."
585
00:28:22,054 --> 00:28:25,666
WE KNOW, LORD, THAT YOU SO
LOVED THE WORLD FROM JOHN 3:16,
586
00:28:25,666 --> 00:28:28,843
YOU SO LOVED THE WORLD
THAT YOU SENT YOUR ONLY SON
587
00:28:28,843 --> 00:28:32,064
TO DIE FOR US, YOUR ONLYSON,
BUT AT THE SAME TIME,
588
00:28:32,064 --> 00:28:33,805
WE'’RE ALL YOUR CHILDREN,
SO IN YOUR EYES,
589
00:28:33,805 --> 00:28:35,284
WE'’RE A BUNCH OF GIRLS.
590
00:28:35,284 --> 00:28:37,286
[laughter]
591
00:28:40,202 --> 00:28:41,943
SO HELP US AS WE STRUGGLE
592
00:28:41,943 --> 00:28:43,684
WITH THE TEMPTATIONS
OF LESBIANISM, AMEN.
593
00:28:43,684 --> 00:28:45,991
I, UH...
594
00:28:45,991 --> 00:28:48,515
PEOPLE COME TO ME ALL THE TIME--
ALL THE TIME,
595
00:28:48,515 --> 00:28:50,560
THEY SAY THE SAME THING,
YOU KNOW,
596
00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:52,649
"BO, YOU'’RE AN ARTIST.
HOW DO WE FIX AFRICA?"
597
00:28:52,649 --> 00:28:54,564
[laughter]
598
00:28:57,611 --> 00:29:02,398
I READ RECENTLY THAT THERE ARE
OVER 22 MILLION PEOPLE
599
00:29:02,398 --> 00:29:04,444
LIVING WITH HIV AIDS
IN SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA.
600
00:29:04,444 --> 00:29:08,230
YEAH.
IT WAS A SNAPPLE FACT.
601
00:29:08,230 --> 00:29:10,711
HOW DO WE FIX IT?
HOW DO WE FIX IT?
602
00:29:10,711 --> 00:29:12,452
THIS.
603
00:29:12,452 --> 00:29:14,671
BECAUSE LAUGHTER...
604
00:29:14,671 --> 00:29:16,848
LAUGHTER
IS THE BEST MEDICINE,
605
00:29:16,848 --> 00:29:18,632
YOU KNOW,
BESIDES MEDICINE.
606
00:29:22,549 --> 00:29:24,029
YOU GUYS LIKE IMPRESSIONS?
607
00:29:24,029 --> 00:29:25,682
[cheers and applause]
608
00:29:25,682 --> 00:29:29,208
[clears throat]
WHY?
609
00:29:29,208 --> 00:29:30,644
THAT WAS SOCRATES.
610
00:29:32,472 --> 00:29:34,822
WE'’VE DONE A LOT OF LAUGHING--
LOT OF LAUGHING.
611
00:29:34,822 --> 00:29:37,477
GREAT FOR A COMEDY SHOW.
HEY, BREAK THE FOURTH WALL.
612
00:29:37,477 --> 00:29:39,784
MA'’AM.
FIFTH WALL--MA'’AM AT HOME.
613
00:29:39,784 --> 00:29:43,309
WE'’VE DONE A LOT OF--
WE'’VE DONE A LOT OF LAUGHING.
614
00:29:43,309 --> 00:29:45,528
BUT WE HAVEN'’T DONE A LOT
OF THINKING.
615
00:29:45,528 --> 00:29:47,487
AND I'’D LIKE TO DO THAT NOW,
AND WHAT BETTER
616
00:29:47,487 --> 00:29:50,011
TO STOP COMIC INERTIA THAN
A LITTLE BIT OF POETIC FRICTION?
617
00:29:50,011 --> 00:29:51,708
I'’VE WRITTEN SOME HAIKUS.
618
00:29:51,708 --> 00:29:54,233
HAIKUS ARE JAPANESE POEMS
CONSISTING OF 17 SYLLABLES,
619
00:29:54,233 --> 00:29:56,148
3 LINES, 5, 7, 5.
620
00:29:56,148 --> 00:29:59,412
I FIND THEM TO HAVE A CERTAIN
CLEARNESS IN THEIR COGENCY,
621
00:29:59,412 --> 00:30:01,501
SORT OF A SOUNDNESS IN THEIR
SIMPLICITY, IF YOU WILL.
622
00:30:01,501 --> 00:30:04,417
SO WHAT WE'’LL DO NOW HOPEFULLY
IS READ THESE HAIKUS,
623
00:30:04,417 --> 00:30:06,027
THINK FOR A LITTLE BIT,
AND THEN WE'’LL GO BACK
624
00:30:06,027 --> 00:30:07,681
TO THE JOKES AND THE LAUGHING
625
00:30:07,681 --> 00:30:10,205
AND WE'’LL HAVE BENEFITED
FROM THE TIME WE TOOK TO THINK.
626
00:30:10,205 --> 00:30:12,599
SO IF COULD JUST,
YOU KNOW,
627
00:30:12,599 --> 00:30:15,297
PUT UP WITH THESE,
THINK FOR A BIT, HOPEFULLY,
628
00:30:15,297 --> 00:30:17,212
AND THEN WE'’LL GO BACK
TO THE JOKES,
629
00:30:17,212 --> 00:30:18,910
BUT THESE ARE MY HAIKUS.
630
00:30:28,136 --> 00:30:30,791
I SAW A RAINBOW
ON THE DAY MY GRANDMA DIED.
631
00:30:33,446 --> 00:30:34,926
FUCKING LESBIAN.
632
00:30:34,926 --> 00:30:36,623
[triangle dings,
laughter]
633
00:30:45,458 --> 00:30:49,941
FOR 15 CENTS A DAY,
YOU CAN FEED AN AFRICAN.
634
00:30:49,941 --> 00:30:51,899
THEY EAT PENNIES.
635
00:30:51,899 --> 00:30:53,901
[triangle dings,
laughter]
636
00:30:59,472 --> 00:31:01,517
OLD PEOPLE'’S SKIN SAGS
637
00:31:01,517 --> 00:31:04,390
BECAUSE IT IS BEING
PULLED TOWARDS THE UNDERWORLD.
638
00:31:04,390 --> 00:31:07,088
[triangle dings, laughter]MISSED THAT.
639
00:31:14,748 --> 00:31:17,925
A KID INSULTED MY MOTHER
SO I SAID,
640
00:31:17,925 --> 00:31:20,232
"YOUR MAMA IS SO BLACK!"
641
00:31:20,232 --> 00:31:22,016
[triangle dings,
laughter]
642
00:31:29,763 --> 00:31:33,071
"DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD
HAVE THEM DO TO YOU."
643
00:31:35,638 --> 00:31:37,510
SAID THE RAPIST.
644
00:31:37,510 --> 00:31:39,033
[triangle dings,
laughter]
645
00:31:47,085 --> 00:31:52,264
MY AUNT USED TO SAY,
"SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE."
646
00:31:55,049 --> 00:31:57,312
SHE DIED IN A FIRE.
647
00:31:57,312 --> 00:31:59,053
[triangle dings,
laughter]
648
00:32:05,407 --> 00:32:08,062
THOSE IN GLASS HOUSES
SHOULDN'’T THROW STONES
649
00:32:08,062 --> 00:32:11,196
OR MASTURBATE
IN THE DAYTIME.
650
00:32:11,196 --> 00:32:13,459
[triangle dings,
laughter]
651
00:32:13,459 --> 00:32:15,156
IT'’S TRUE.
652
00:32:19,204 --> 00:32:21,684
EVEN IF HE IS YOUR FRIEND,
653
00:32:21,684 --> 00:32:24,861
NEVER, EVER CALL
AN ASIAN PERSON.
654
00:32:24,861 --> 00:32:26,951
[triangle dings,
laughter]
655
00:32:34,567 --> 00:32:36,308
AND FINALLY...
656
00:32:36,308 --> 00:32:38,571
BONO, IF YOU WANNA HELP
POOR PEOPLE,
657
00:32:38,571 --> 00:32:41,269
SELL YOUR TINTED SHADES,
YOU CUNT.
658
00:32:41,269 --> 00:32:42,967
[triangle dings,
cheers and applause]
659
00:32:54,761 --> 00:32:56,328
THANK YOU,
THIS NEXT PIECE--
660
00:32:56,328 --> 00:32:59,113
THIS NEXT PIECE IS CALLED
"SONNET 155"
661
00:32:59,113 --> 00:33:00,680
OR "IF SHAKESPEARE
HAD WRITTEN A PORN."
662
00:33:00,680 --> 00:33:02,899
AND IT GOES LIKE THIS.
663
00:33:02,899 --> 00:33:05,511
I SAW THE MORNING DEW
BETWIXT THINE THIGHS
664
00:33:05,511 --> 00:33:07,556
AS I REMOVED MY SOURCE
OF GRECIAN POWER.
665
00:33:07,556 --> 00:33:10,429
AS IF KING MIDAS
DARED TO TOUCH THE SKIES,
666
00:33:10,429 --> 00:33:12,779
UPON THY BODY FELL
A GOLDEN SHOWER.
667
00:33:12,779 --> 00:33:15,956
[audience groans]
668
00:33:15,956 --> 00:33:18,959
THY BODY'’S TEMPLE'’S
TWO CHURCH BELLS HAD RUNG.
669
00:33:18,959 --> 00:33:21,396
UPON THY CHEST,
A ROLL OF PEARLS BESTOWED.
670
00:33:21,396 --> 00:33:24,530
THE SUN HAD SET,
THY SET WITH WEARY HUNG.
671
00:33:24,530 --> 00:33:28,621
I THOUGHT, HOW BLACK A NIGHT,
AND BLEW A LOAD.
672
00:33:28,621 --> 00:33:30,318
[audience groans]
673
00:33:32,668 --> 00:33:34,931
I SAID WHAT LIGHT THROUGH YONDER
BEAVER BREAKS?
674
00:33:34,931 --> 00:33:36,846
IT IS THE YEAST.
675
00:33:36,846 --> 00:33:39,110
[audience groans,
scattered cheering]
676
00:33:44,898 --> 00:33:46,726
AND NOW MY BELLY'’S YELLOW.
677
00:33:46,726 --> 00:33:49,424
MY POLE GIVES CAUSE
TO STORMS AND EARTHY QUAKES,
678
00:33:49,424 --> 00:33:52,688
BUT '’TIS NOT MASSIVE,
I AM NO OTHELLO.
679
00:33:52,688 --> 00:33:55,517
AND WHEN THAT FINAL MOMENT
CAME TO PASS,
680
00:33:55,517 --> 00:33:57,780
LIKE CHRIST,
I CAME A-RIDING ON AN ASS.
681
00:33:57,780 --> 00:33:58,999
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
682
00:33:58,999 --> 00:34:01,045
[cheers and applause]
683
00:34:07,790 --> 00:34:11,055
THANK YOU,
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE...
684
00:34:11,055 --> 00:34:13,144
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
WAS A VERBAL CONTORTIONIST.
685
00:34:13,144 --> 00:34:14,319
HE CAN BEND HIS WORDS
686
00:34:14,319 --> 00:34:15,798
THE WAY A CONTORTIONIST
BENDS HIS FRAME,
687
00:34:15,798 --> 00:34:17,104
AND I WOULD HOPE THAT HE COULD
688
00:34:17,104 --> 00:34:18,540
WITH A NAME
LIKE WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.
689
00:34:18,540 --> 00:34:19,759
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE--
SOME OF YOU SEEM LOST.
690
00:34:19,759 --> 00:34:21,543
LOOK, SAY YOUR NAME
WAS ROBERT FROST,
691
00:34:21,543 --> 00:34:22,762
AND YOU COULDN'’T WRITE,
THAT WOULD SUCK.
692
00:34:22,762 --> 00:34:24,807
WELL, I GUESS YOU COULD ALWAYS
GO AS BOBBY FROST
693
00:34:24,807 --> 00:34:26,722
AND OWN AN ICE CREAM TRUCK.
694
00:34:26,722 --> 00:34:29,725
HE WAS BALANCED LIKE A SIMILE
AND COULD STACK METAPHOR FIVE,
695
00:34:29,725 --> 00:34:31,118
SIX AT A TIME AND RHYME
696
00:34:31,118 --> 00:34:32,989
INTO THE VERY LAST LINE
OF A SOLILOQUY
697
00:34:32,989 --> 00:34:34,774
WHICH FINALLY SAID OUTRIGHT
WHAT THE PREVIOUS 77
698
00:34:34,774 --> 00:34:36,254
WE'’RE ONLY HINTING AT.
699
00:34:36,254 --> 00:34:37,690
HE HAD PUNS AND QUIPS
AND TONS OF TRIPS
700
00:34:37,690 --> 00:34:38,995
WITH SONS WITH SHIPS,
701
00:34:38,995 --> 00:34:40,649
WITH NUNS WITH HIPS
AND BUNS AND LIPS,
702
00:34:40,649 --> 00:34:43,565
BUT I HAVE SOMETHING
THAT SHAKESPEARE NEVER HAD.
703
00:34:43,565 --> 00:34:45,437
PENICILLIN.
704
00:34:45,437 --> 00:34:47,439
[laughter]
705
00:34:47,439 --> 00:34:49,484
SEE, IT HADN'’T BEEN
INVENTED YET.
706
00:34:49,484 --> 00:34:52,008
BACK THEN, THEY ONLY HAD
QUILLICILLIN, HEY-OH!
707
00:34:52,008 --> 00:34:53,575
SORRY, IT'’S NOT THAT HARD,
BARD.
708
00:34:53,575 --> 00:34:54,837
I'’M SORRY, I GOT A BONE
TO PICK WITH YOU, WILLIAM.
709
00:34:54,837 --> 00:34:57,013
SO IF YOU COULD JUST
LISTEN UP HERE
710
00:34:57,013 --> 00:34:58,885
AND LISTEN TO THIS THEATER
QUEER'’S THEATER QUERY HERE
711
00:34:58,885 --> 00:35:00,234
AND MAYBE ACT LIKE A REAL ARTIST
FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.
712
00:35:00,234 --> 00:35:02,018
SAY VAN GOGH AND,
"LEND ME YOUR EAR."
713
00:35:02,018 --> 00:35:03,803
YOU'’RE NOT A WRITER.
714
00:35:03,803 --> 00:35:05,674
YOU'’RE A WRITER LIKE
HULK HOGAN'’S A STREET FIGHTER.
715
00:35:05,674 --> 00:35:08,024
YOU WRITE THESE DRAMAS,
YOU ACCUMULATE YOUR WEALTH,
716
00:35:08,024 --> 00:35:11,463
YOU HOLD NATURE
AS T'’WERE MIRROR OF YOURSELF.
717
00:35:11,463 --> 00:35:12,942
JUST '’CAUSE YOU'’RE MESSED UP
DOESN'’T MEAN WE ARE, TOO.
718
00:35:12,942 --> 00:35:14,553
JUST '’CAUSE YOU WANNA BANG
YOUR MOM
719
00:35:14,553 --> 00:35:15,858
DOESN'’T MEAN
THAT DANISH PRINCES DO.
720
00:35:15,858 --> 00:35:17,469
WHAT? WHO? HAMLET, SHAKESPEARE.
YEAH, THAT'’S RIGHT.
721
00:35:17,469 --> 00:35:19,079
THE YOUNG PRINCE
WHOSE FATHER DIED
722
00:35:19,079 --> 00:35:20,820
AT THE HANDS OF HIS UNCLE
WITH WHOM HIS MOTHER LIED.
723
00:35:20,820 --> 00:35:24,128
SOUND FAMILIAR?
IT'’S THE FUCKING "LION KING"!
724
00:35:24,128 --> 00:35:26,956
[laughter and applause]
725
00:35:26,956 --> 00:35:30,308
YOU STOLE FROM A DISNEY MOVIE,
YOU ANDROGYNOUS DOUCHE.
726
00:35:30,308 --> 00:35:32,701
WHAT'’S NEXT,
THE STORY OF A FRENCH KING
727
00:35:32,701 --> 00:35:35,356
ON A QUEST
TO FIND HIS LOST SON NEMO?
728
00:35:35,356 --> 00:35:37,967
[laughter]
729
00:35:37,967 --> 00:35:40,840
OH, AND BY THE WAY, POETIC
TALENT IS REALLY EASY TO FAKE
730
00:35:40,840 --> 00:35:44,931
WHEN THY SENTENCES
DOTH NO FUCKING SENSE MAKE.
731
00:35:44,931 --> 00:35:47,847
[laughter]
732
00:35:47,847 --> 00:35:50,980
"TO BE OR NOT TO BE?"
THAT IS THE QUESTION.
733
00:35:50,980 --> 00:35:53,809
WHETHER '’TIS NOBLER
IN THE MIND TO SUFFER
734
00:35:53,809 --> 00:35:55,550
THE SLINGS AND ARROWS
OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE,
735
00:35:55,550 --> 00:35:58,118
OR TO TAKE ARMS AGAINST
A SEA OF TROUBLES,
736
00:35:58,118 --> 00:36:00,903
AND BY OPPOSING END THEM,
TO DIE...
737
00:36:00,903 --> 00:36:02,992
TO SLEEP NO MORE,
AND BY A SLEEP,
738
00:36:02,992 --> 00:36:05,952
TO SAY WE END THE HEARTACHE
AND THE THOUSAND NATURAL SHOCKS
739
00:36:05,952 --> 00:36:08,259
THAT FLESH IS HEIR TO.
740
00:36:08,259 --> 00:36:10,304
'’TIS A CONSUMMATION DEVOUTLY
TO BE WISH'’D.
741
00:36:10,304 --> 00:36:13,742
TO DIE, TO SLEEP,
TO SLEEP, PERCHANCE TO DREAM.
742
00:36:13,742 --> 00:36:17,137
AYE, THERE'’S THE RUB,
FOR IN THAT SLEEP OF DEATH,
743
00:36:17,137 --> 00:36:19,357
WHAT DREAMS MAY COME
744
00:36:19,357 --> 00:36:21,054
WHEN WE HAVE SHUFFLED OFF
THIS MORTAL COIL?
745
00:36:21,054 --> 00:36:23,230
MUST GIVE US PAUSE.
746
00:36:23,230 --> 00:36:25,014
[scoffs]
LIKE, WHAT?
747
00:36:25,014 --> 00:36:26,277
[laughter]
748
00:36:34,720 --> 00:36:37,853
THIS NEXT SONG
IS ABOUT QUANTUM MECHANICS.
749
00:36:37,853 --> 00:36:39,159
THIS NEXT SONG--
750
00:36:39,159 --> 00:36:41,205
[laughter]
751
00:36:44,208 --> 00:36:46,427
I WAS RAISED VERY WELL,
YOU KNOW, LIKE A FIELD OF CORN.
752
00:36:46,427 --> 00:36:48,429
I WAS ALSO RAISED
VERY CHRISTIAN,
753
00:36:48,429 --> 00:36:49,648
LIKE THE CHILDREN OF THE CORN.
754
00:36:49,648 --> 00:36:51,606
AND CHRISTIANS GET ANGRY AT ME,
THEY DO,
755
00:36:51,606 --> 00:36:53,521
BECAUSE I SAY THINGS LIKE,
756
00:36:53,521 --> 00:36:55,567
"WHY THE LONG NOSE,
POPE-NOCCHIO?"
757
00:36:55,567 --> 00:36:58,439
THEY THINK
I'’LL GONNA GO TO HELL.
758
00:36:58,439 --> 00:37:00,180
TRUTH IS,
I'’VE BEEN TO CHRISTIAN HELL,
759
00:37:00,180 --> 00:37:01,268
AND I WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.
760
00:37:03,879 --> 00:37:06,752
♪ HITLER WAS THERE,
AND SO WERE ALL THE JEWS ♪
761
00:37:06,752 --> 00:37:09,450
♪ YEAH, SO IT GOT
A LITTLE AWKWARD ♪
762
00:37:09,450 --> 00:37:10,930
[laughter]
763
00:37:24,248 --> 00:37:26,641
I WAS SURROUNDED BY CATHOLICISM
AT A YOUNG AGE
764
00:37:26,641 --> 00:37:28,861
AND I WAS ALSO IN A GARAGE BAND
FOR 20 MINUTES.
765
00:37:28,861 --> 00:37:31,037
THIS IS THE PRODUCT OF THAT.
HIT IT.
766
00:37:31,037 --> 00:37:32,952
[electronic music plays]
767
00:37:37,348 --> 00:37:43,092
[laughter]
768
00:37:43,092 --> 00:37:45,181
[violin riff plays]
769
00:37:47,096 --> 00:37:51,275
[cheers and applause]
770
00:37:51,275 --> 00:37:53,407
♪ ALL THE SEATS
AT THE SUNDAY MASS IS ♪
771
00:37:53,407 --> 00:37:55,453
♪ FILLED WITH THE MASSES'’
MASS OF ASSES ♪
772
00:37:55,453 --> 00:37:57,585
♪ CLASSES PASS AS FAST
AS MOLASSES ♪
773
00:37:57,585 --> 00:37:59,370
♪ CEREMONIAL READING GLASSES ♪
774
00:37:59,370 --> 00:38:01,546
♪ READ A LITTLE BIT
OF LEVITICUS ♪
775
00:38:01,546 --> 00:38:03,722
♪ ALL THE KIDS ARE A LITTLE
TOO LITTLE FOR THIS ♪
776
00:38:03,722 --> 00:38:05,332
♪ ALL THE PARENTS NOD
IN AGREEMENT ♪
777
00:38:05,332 --> 00:38:07,639
♪ "I THINK I CAN VAGUELY
SEE WHAT HE MEANT" ♪
778
00:38:07,639 --> 00:38:09,205
♪ IT'’S TOO EARLY
IN THE MORNING GLORY ♪
779
00:38:09,205 --> 00:38:11,251
♪ TO READ ANOTHER
ALLEGORY STORY ♪
780
00:38:11,251 --> 00:38:13,035
♪ THE FATHER
READS A LITTLE BIT FARTHER ♪
781
00:38:13,035 --> 00:38:15,255
♪ ASSURING THE ASSURED
THAT THEY NEED NOT BOTHER ♪
782
00:38:15,255 --> 00:38:17,213
♪ WHEN GOD, IN VERSE 45 ♪
783
00:38:17,213 --> 00:38:19,215
♪ SAID THAT SLAVES
ARE OKAY TO BUY ♪
784
00:38:19,215 --> 00:38:21,348
♪ HE MEANT THAT PEOPLE
ALL FROM THE START ♪
785
00:38:21,348 --> 00:38:23,655
♪ EACH HAVE SLAVES
WITHIN THEIR HEARTS ♪
786
00:38:23,655 --> 00:38:25,178
♪ THINGS THAT WE HAVE SOLD
OR BOUGHT ♪
787
00:38:25,178 --> 00:38:27,180
♪ AND THEN ARE FORCED TO PICK
OUR MORAL COTTON ♪
788
00:38:27,180 --> 00:38:29,269
♪ GOD CALLS US
TO SET THESE FREE ♪
789
00:38:29,269 --> 00:38:31,227
♪ FREE OUR HEARTS
FROM SLAVERY ♪
790
00:38:31,227 --> 00:38:33,142
♪ AND THEN AS GOD GOES ON
TO EXPLAIN ♪
791
00:38:33,142 --> 00:38:36,929
♪ THE LOGISTICS OF BUYING
AND SELLING SLAVES ♪
792
00:38:36,929 --> 00:38:38,191
[music stops]HE WAS MESSIN'’ AROUND.
793
00:38:38,191 --> 00:38:42,021
HE'’S--HE--
JESUS IS SORT OF LIKE--
794
00:38:42,021 --> 00:38:43,762
[music continues]
795
00:38:43,762 --> 00:38:45,894
♪ IN THE BACK,
I SIT AND I NOD ♪
796
00:38:45,894 --> 00:38:47,679
♪ TO THE BEATS THAT
ARE BUMPIN'’ FROM MY iPOD ♪
797
00:38:47,679 --> 00:38:49,376
♪ MY GOD,
THEY'’RE STARTING TO PRAY ♪
798
00:38:49,376 --> 00:38:51,378
♪ AND OVER THE MUSIC,
I CAN HEAR THEM SAY ♪
799
00:38:51,378 --> 00:38:53,075
♪ DEAR GOD, DEAR LORD ♪
800
00:38:53,075 --> 00:38:55,687
♪ DEAR VAGUE MUSCULAR MAN
WITH A BEARD OR A SWORD ♪
801
00:38:55,687 --> 00:38:57,471
♪ DEAR GOOD ALL-SEEING BEING ♪
802
00:38:57,471 --> 00:38:59,647
♪ MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY
YAHWEH ♪
803
00:38:59,647 --> 00:39:01,345
♪ THE BLUE-BALLED
ANTI-MASTURBATOR ♪
804
00:39:01,345 --> 00:39:03,434
♪ THE GREAT ALL-LOVING
FAGGOT HATER ♪
805
00:39:03,434 --> 00:39:05,218
♪ I LIKE TO THANK
YOUR HOLY MIGHT ♪
806
00:39:05,218 --> 00:39:07,612
♪ FOR MAKING ME BOTH RICH
AND WHITE ♪
807
00:39:07,612 --> 00:39:09,396
♪ AND THOUGH THIS IS YOUR DAY
OF REST ♪
808
00:39:09,396 --> 00:39:11,137
♪ I COME TO YOU
WITH ONE REQUEST ♪
809
00:39:11,137 --> 00:39:13,313
♪ THERE'’S SO MUCH PAIN
BEYOND THIS STEEPLE ♪
810
00:39:13,313 --> 00:39:15,402
♪ WARS AND DRUGS
AND HOMELESS PEOPLE ♪
811
00:39:15,402 --> 00:39:17,404
♪ SADNESS
WHERE THERE SHOULD BE JOY ♪
812
00:39:17,404 --> 00:39:19,493
♪ HATE AND RAPE
AND SOULJA BOY ♪
813
00:39:19,493 --> 00:39:21,365
♪ A WORLD IN DARKNESS
NEEDS YOUR LIGHT ♪
814
00:39:21,365 --> 00:39:23,105
♪ SO I'’M SURE YOUR SCHEDULE'’S
PRETTY TIGHT ♪
815
00:39:23,105 --> 00:39:24,846
BUT MY DOG
JUST HAD LEG SURGERY.
816
00:39:24,846 --> 00:39:26,892
IF YOU COULD FIX THAT FIRST?
817
00:39:26,892 --> 00:39:30,156
JESUS?
818
00:39:30,156 --> 00:39:33,377
♪ DEBRA MESSING'’S FINGERS
IN A HOLY PLACE ♪
819
00:39:33,377 --> 00:39:35,291
♪ HAIL MARY
FULL OF GRACE ♪
820
00:39:38,991 --> 00:39:41,733
♪ OBAMA, COULD YOU PASS
SOME HOPE TO THE POPE? ♪
821
00:39:41,733 --> 00:39:43,212
♪ I KNOW A COUPLE DUDES
WHO WANT TO ELOPE ♪
822
00:39:43,212 --> 00:39:45,389
♪ SEE, THE CHURCH SAID NOPE,
SO THE BROS CAN'’T COPE ♪
823
00:39:45,389 --> 00:39:47,608
♪ BROS CAN GROPE,
BUT THE BROS CAN'’T COPE ♪
824
00:39:47,608 --> 00:39:49,436
♪ THEY'’VE BEEN IN LOVE
AND THEY'’VE BEEN ADDICTED ♪
825
00:39:49,436 --> 00:39:51,830
♪ WHO SAID THEY SHOULDN'’T?
BENEDICT DID ♪
826
00:39:51,830 --> 00:39:53,092
♪ '’CAUSE IN THE HOLY LAND
OF THE LORD ♪
827
00:39:53,092 --> 00:39:55,747
♪ HE'’S THE HOLY LANDLORD
AND DICKS ARE EVICTED ♪
828
00:39:55,747 --> 00:39:57,096
♪ '’CAUSE YOU CAN BE A BENEDICT ♪
829
00:39:57,096 --> 00:39:59,185
♪ IF YOU BEND A DICK
UNDER BENEDICT ♪
830
00:39:59,185 --> 00:40:01,535
♪ BUT YOU CAN'’T
HAVE BENEDICTS ♪
831
00:40:01,535 --> 00:40:03,842
♪ BECAUSE THERE'’S ONLY ONE POPE
WITH ONLY ONE DICK, WHAT? ♪
832
00:40:03,842 --> 00:40:05,321
♪ YEAH,
A DICK ON A POPE IS ♪
833
00:40:05,321 --> 00:40:07,367
♪ JUST LIKE A SOAP ON ROPE ♪
834
00:40:07,367 --> 00:40:09,456
♪ '’CAUSE IT'’S POINTLESS
UNLESS IN PRISON ♪
835
00:40:09,456 --> 00:40:11,719
♪ THROW UP YOUR BIBLES,
CHRIST HAS RISEN ♪
836
00:40:11,719 --> 00:40:13,068
♪ HALLELUJAH,
NOW IT'’S RAINING MEN ♪
837
00:40:13,068 --> 00:40:15,331
♪ BECAUSE THE GENDER RATIO'’S
ONE-TO-TEN ♪
838
00:40:15,331 --> 00:40:17,203
♪ WINOS AT
THE EUCHARIST STATION ♪
839
00:40:17,203 --> 00:40:19,727
♪ TRANSGENDERED
SUBSTANTIATION ♪
840
00:40:19,727 --> 00:40:22,121
♪ JESUS WASN'’T THE MESSIAH,
GET BACK ♪
841
00:40:22,121 --> 00:40:23,296
♪ I'’M A HERETIC,
AND I'’M ON FIRE ♪
842
00:40:23,296 --> 00:40:25,298
♪ IT WAS OEDIPUS,
THOSE HOLY KNIGHTS ♪
843
00:40:25,298 --> 00:40:27,256
♪ THE HOLY MOTHER FUCKIN'’
CHRIST ♪
844
00:40:27,256 --> 00:40:30,521
♪ I'’M A BLASPHEMER POST-KATRINA
CRUISIN'’ THE MARINA ♪
845
00:40:30,521 --> 00:40:33,828
♪ ON A CRUSADE TO CRUISE AIDS
AND BLAST FEMA ♪
846
00:40:33,828 --> 00:40:36,396
♪ YOU'’RE TOO LATE, WE'’RE FUCKED,
WE DON'’T NEED YOU, AMEN ♪
847
00:40:36,396 --> 00:40:39,268
♪ IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER,
SON, AND HOLY GHOST ♪
848
00:40:39,268 --> 00:40:41,270
♪ HEAD, SHOULDERS,
KNEES AND TOES ♪
849
00:40:41,270 --> 00:40:43,185
♪ TURN UP YOUR NOSE,
STRIKE THAT POSE ♪
850
00:40:43,185 --> 00:40:44,970
♪ HEY MACARENA ♪
851
00:40:44,970 --> 00:40:47,712
[record scratch,
cheers and applause]
852
00:41:01,421 --> 00:41:03,292
I WANTED TO BE A PHYSICIST
WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,
853
00:41:03,292 --> 00:41:04,859
AND I ALSO WANTED TO BE
A COMEDIAN,
854
00:41:04,859 --> 00:41:06,339
BUT ONLY ONE OF THOSE
SORT OF WORKED OUT.
855
00:41:06,339 --> 00:41:08,689
I'’D LIKE TO TRY TO DO BOTH,
THOUGH NOW
856
00:41:08,689 --> 00:41:10,778
IN A BIT THAT I CALL
"THEORETICAL DICK JOKES."
857
00:41:10,778 --> 00:41:12,214
GOES LIKE THIS.
858
00:41:12,214 --> 00:41:14,173
[laughter]
859
00:41:14,173 --> 00:41:16,175
MY PENIS IS SO SMALL
I OFTEN HAVE TROUBLE FINDING IT
860
00:41:16,175 --> 00:41:18,046
BECAUSE IT'’S SO GRATEFULLY
INFLUENCED BY
861
00:41:18,046 --> 00:41:20,179
QUANTUM MECHANICAL FLUCTUATIONS
IN THE FABRIC OF SPACE-TIME.
862
00:41:20,179 --> 00:41:22,442
AND WHEN I'’M HAVING INTERCOURSE
WITH A WOMAN,
863
00:41:22,442 --> 00:41:24,357
SHE CAN ONLY KNOW WHERE MY PENIS
IS OR HOW FAST IT'’S MOVING
864
00:41:24,357 --> 00:41:26,054
'’CAUSE IT'’S SMALL ENOUGH
AND LIGHT ENOUGH TO BE FULLY
865
00:41:26,054 --> 00:41:27,969
GOVERNED BY THE HEISENBERG
UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE.
866
00:41:27,969 --> 00:41:29,362
I'’VE GOT AN EATING DISORDER.
867
00:41:29,362 --> 00:41:31,625
YEAH, MORE LIKE
NUTRITIONAL ENTROPY.
868
00:41:31,625 --> 00:41:33,584
SO...[light laughter]
869
00:41:33,584 --> 00:41:35,673
NEVER SAID I WAS FUNNY, OKAY?
SO STOP STARING AT ME.
870
00:41:38,763 --> 00:41:40,242
SEGUES ARE WEIRD.
871
00:41:40,242 --> 00:41:42,984
HOW OLD IS TOO OLD
TO STOP BELIEVING IN, LIKE,
872
00:41:42,984 --> 00:41:45,247
THE TOOTH FAIRY,
LIKE, 12?
873
00:41:45,247 --> 00:41:49,251
I HAVE A COUSIN
WHO IS 18, YEAH.
874
00:41:49,251 --> 00:41:50,992
STILL BELIEVES
IN GAY MARRIAGE.
875
00:41:50,992 --> 00:41:52,690
IT'’S LIKE...[laughter]
876
00:41:55,997 --> 00:41:57,433
I KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS
ARE THINKING--
877
00:41:57,433 --> 00:42:00,045
"OH, BO, YOU TACKLE
SUCH TABOO SUBJECTS.
878
00:42:00,045 --> 00:42:01,699
YOU KNOW,
"IS THERE ANYTHING OFF-LIMITS,
879
00:42:01,699 --> 00:42:03,570
"ANYTHING
YOU DON'’T FIND FUNNY,
880
00:42:03,570 --> 00:42:05,920
ANYTHING YOU THINK
IS TOO SACRED TO LAUGH AT?"
881
00:42:05,920 --> 00:42:08,227
AND THE TRUTH IS,
THERE IS.
882
00:42:10,795 --> 00:42:11,926
WHITE PEOPLE.
883
00:42:11,926 --> 00:42:13,928
[laughter]
884
00:42:13,928 --> 00:42:18,019
[cheers and applause]
885
00:42:18,019 --> 00:42:20,282
I THINK WE'’VE BEEN
THROUGH ENOUGH.
886
00:42:20,282 --> 00:42:21,588
[laughter]
887
00:42:25,157 --> 00:42:27,159
I FIND NUMBERS
TO BE FASCINATING
888
00:42:27,159 --> 00:42:29,248
AND MORE SPECIFICALLY
THAN NUMBERS, I FIND STATISTICS
889
00:42:29,248 --> 00:42:31,859
TO BE PARTICULARLY ENLIGHTENING,
THOUGHT-PROVOKING EVEN.
890
00:42:31,859 --> 00:42:33,774
I'’VE GATHERED SOME HERE.
THESE ARE ALL 100% TRUE.
891
00:42:33,774 --> 00:42:36,037
WHEN YOU LEAVE THIS THEATER AND
ENTER THE WORLD DEVOID OF ART,
892
00:42:36,037 --> 00:42:37,561
YOU CAN CHECK THESE,
AND THEY WILL COME BACK
893
00:42:37,561 --> 00:42:39,127
'’CAUSE THEY ARE TRUE.
894
00:42:39,127 --> 00:42:41,173
I DON'’T WANT THEM
TO BLOW YOUR MIND,
895
00:42:41,173 --> 00:42:43,349
BUT MAYBE YOU'’LL HEAR
ONE OF THESE AND GO,
896
00:42:43,349 --> 00:42:45,003
"OH, MY GOD,
NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT."
897
00:42:45,003 --> 00:42:47,396
SO THESE ARE MY STATISTICS.
[clears throat]
898
00:42:47,396 --> 00:42:49,573
[light laughter]
899
00:42:49,573 --> 00:42:52,227
APPROXIMATELY 33.33%
900
00:42:52,227 --> 00:42:54,403
OF THE JONAS BROTHERS
HAVE DIABETES.
901
00:42:54,403 --> 00:42:56,231
[laughter]
902
00:43:01,019 --> 00:43:03,282
ONE OUT OF EVERY FOUR KIDS
WITH THE INITIALS A.D.D.
903
00:43:03,282 --> 00:43:05,414
ACTUALLY HAS IT,
AND FOUR OUT OF FOUR KIDS
904
00:43:05,414 --> 00:43:07,503
WITH THE INITIALS A.D.H.D.
HAVE AN ANNOYING,
905
00:43:07,503 --> 00:43:09,418
SELF-RIGHTEOUS MOTHER WHO
WOULDN'’T JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP
906
00:43:09,418 --> 00:43:11,072
AND TAKE HER HUSBAND'’S
LAST NAME.
907
00:43:16,687 --> 00:43:18,602
HERE'’S A FUN ONE.
908
00:43:18,602 --> 00:43:21,822
ONE OF THE EVERY 44
U.S. PRESIDENTS CAN DUNK.
909
00:43:26,479 --> 00:43:28,742
IT'’S MILLARD FILLMORE,
YOU RACISTS.
910
00:43:31,440 --> 00:43:35,401
THE AVERAGE CHILD OF SARAH PALIN
HAS 46.2 CHROMOSOMES.
911
00:43:35,401 --> 00:43:37,185
[audience groans]
912
00:43:37,185 --> 00:43:39,100
IT'’S A FACT!
913
00:43:39,100 --> 00:43:41,102
I'’M NOT MAKING LIGHT OF IT.
IT'’S NUMBERS.
914
00:43:41,102 --> 00:43:43,104
[laughter]
915
00:43:43,104 --> 00:43:45,846
ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS ARE OFFENDED
BY THAT ONE,
916
00:43:45,846 --> 00:43:47,848
YOU'’RE DEFINITELY GONNA BE
OFFENDED BY THE NEXT ONE.
917
00:43:47,848 --> 00:43:49,676
BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND
SOMETHING--
918
00:43:49,676 --> 00:43:52,331
I AM, TOO.
919
00:43:52,331 --> 00:43:54,768
I THINK THIS IS FUCKED UP.
920
00:43:57,075 --> 00:44:00,687
.27% OF ALL JENGA GAMES
ARE PLAYED ON 9/11.
921
00:44:00,687 --> 00:44:02,210
NOW--[audience groans]
922
00:44:02,210 --> 00:44:03,995
IT'’S FUCKED UP!
STOP PLAYING JENGA ON 9/11.
923
00:44:03,995 --> 00:44:06,258
STOP IT. STOP IT.
924
00:44:06,258 --> 00:44:09,435
STOP PLAYING JENGA...
925
00:44:09,435 --> 00:44:11,437
[laughter]
926
00:44:11,437 --> 00:44:13,831
THAT WAS AWKWARD.
927
00:44:13,831 --> 00:44:17,530
THIS NEXT ONE BLEW MY MIND.
BLEW MY MIND.
928
00:44:17,530 --> 00:44:19,750
AND YOU'’RE NOT GONNA
BELIEVE THIS WHEN YOU HEAR IT.
929
00:44:19,750 --> 00:44:22,230
BUT GO HOME, CHECK IT.
I SWEAR TO GOD IT'’S TRUE.
930
00:44:22,230 --> 00:44:25,190
THE AVERAGE PERSON...
931
00:44:25,190 --> 00:44:27,496
HAS ONE FALLOPIAN TUBE.
932
00:44:27,496 --> 00:44:28,802
[laughter]
933
00:44:36,462 --> 00:44:38,333
THE AVERAGE PENIS LENGTH
IS 5 1/2 INCHES.
934
00:44:38,333 --> 00:44:40,553
AND FINALLY, THE AVERAGE
PENIS LENGTH OF A MAN
935
00:44:40,553 --> 00:44:42,990
WHO GOOGLES "AVERAGE
PENIS LENGTH" IS 3 1/2 INCHES.
936
00:44:42,990 --> 00:44:44,122
THANK YOU.
937
00:44:44,122 --> 00:44:45,819
[cheers and applause]
938
00:44:50,171 --> 00:44:51,956
YEAH, BO!
939
00:44:51,956 --> 00:44:53,435
YEAH, BO!
940
00:44:53,435 --> 00:44:55,568
[audience members shouting]
941
00:44:55,568 --> 00:44:58,049
YEAH.
942
00:44:58,049 --> 00:45:00,051
THANK YOU.
943
00:45:00,051 --> 00:45:03,576
I WENT TO THE MOVIES THE OTHER
DAY BECAUSE I WENT TO SEE
944
00:45:03,576 --> 00:45:06,448
THE 20th ANNIVERSARY
OF "SCHINDLER'’S LIST" IN 3-D.
945
00:45:06,448 --> 00:45:08,494
[rimshot]
946
00:45:08,494 --> 00:45:11,366
AND I WENT INTO THE GIRLS'’
BATHROOM TO LOOK FOR MY CAMERA.
947
00:45:11,366 --> 00:45:13,368
[rimshot]
948
00:45:13,368 --> 00:45:17,764
AND I SAW A CONTAINER THAT
SAID "SANITARY NAPKINS ONLY."
949
00:45:17,764 --> 00:45:19,505
LADIES...
950
00:45:19,505 --> 00:45:21,899
[drumroll]
951
00:45:21,899 --> 00:45:23,944
DON'’T PUT ALL YOUR EGGS
IN ONE BASKET!
952
00:45:23,944 --> 00:45:25,772
THAT'’S A JOKE![laughter and applause]
953
00:45:41,919 --> 00:45:43,921
[laughter]
954
00:45:52,668 --> 00:45:55,715
THIS SONG--
955
00:45:55,715 --> 00:45:58,631
THIS SONG ISN'’T FUNNY AT ALL,
BUT IT HELPS ME SLEEP AT NIGHT.
956
00:46:10,730 --> 00:46:13,864
♪ ART IS DEAD ♪
957
00:46:13,864 --> 00:46:16,736
♪ ART IS DEAD ♪
958
00:46:16,736 --> 00:46:19,652
♪ ART IS DEAD ♪
959
00:46:19,652 --> 00:46:22,524
♪ ART IS DEAD ♪
960
00:46:22,524 --> 00:46:26,006
♪ ENTERTAINERS
LIKE TO SEEM COMPLICATED ♪
961
00:46:26,006 --> 00:46:28,356
♪ BUT WE'’RE NOT COMPLICATED ♪
962
00:46:28,356 --> 00:46:31,751
♪ I CAN EXPLAIN IT
PRETTY EASILY ♪
963
00:46:31,751 --> 00:46:35,711
♪ HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO
A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR CHILDREN ♪
964
00:46:35,711 --> 00:46:38,540
♪ AND ONE OF THE CHILDREN
WON'’T STOP SCREAMING ♪
965
00:46:38,540 --> 00:46:41,282
♪ '’CAUSE HE'’S JUST A LITTLE
ATTENTION-ATTRACTOR ♪
966
00:46:41,282 --> 00:46:44,198
♪ WHEN HE GROWS UP
TO BE A COMIC OR ACTOR ♪
967
00:46:44,198 --> 00:46:47,071
♪ HE'’LL BE REWARDED
FOR NEVER MATURING ♪
968
00:46:47,071 --> 00:46:49,638
♪ FOR NEVER UNDERSTANDING
OR LEARNING ♪
969
00:46:49,638 --> 00:46:52,641
♪ THAT EVERY DAY
CAN'’T BE ABOUT HIM ♪
970
00:46:52,641 --> 00:46:55,644
♪ THERE'’S OTHER PEOPLE,
YOU SELFISH ASSHOLE ♪
971
00:46:55,644 --> 00:46:58,212
♪ I MUST BE PSYCHOTIC,
I MUST BE DEMENTED ♪
972
00:46:58,212 --> 00:47:00,998
♪ TO THINK THAT I'’M WORTHY
OF ALL THIS ATTENTION ♪
973
00:47:00,998 --> 00:47:03,827
♪ OF ALL OF THIS MONEY
YOU WORKED REALLY HARD FOR ♪
974
00:47:03,827 --> 00:47:06,873
♪ I SLEPT IN LATE WHILE
YOU WORKED AT THE DRUGSTORE ♪
975
00:47:06,873 --> 00:47:09,484
♪ MY DRUG'’S ATTENTION,
I AM AN ADDICT ♪
976
00:47:09,484 --> 00:47:12,661
♪ BUT I GET PAID
TO INDULGE IN MY HABIT ♪
977
00:47:12,661 --> 00:47:15,403
♪ IT'’S ALL AN ILLUSION,
I'’M WEARING MAKE-UP ♪
978
00:47:15,403 --> 00:47:19,277
♪ I'’M WEARING MAKE-UP,
MAKE-UP, MAKE-UP, MAKE-UP ♪
979
00:47:19,277 --> 00:47:21,279
♪ ART IS DEAD ♪
980
00:47:21,279 --> 00:47:22,541
♪ SO PEOPLE
THINK YOU'’RE FUNNY ♪
981
00:47:22,541 --> 00:47:24,543
♪ HOW DO WE GET
THOSE PEOPLE'’S MONEY? ♪
982
00:47:24,543 --> 00:47:26,980
♪ I SAID ART IS DEAD ♪
983
00:47:26,980 --> 00:47:30,766
♪ WE'’RE ROLLING IN DOUGH WHILE
CARLIN ROLLS IN HIS GRAVE ♪
984
00:47:30,766 --> 00:47:32,246
♪ HIS GRAVE ♪
985
00:47:32,246 --> 00:47:35,075
♪ HIS GRAVE ♪
986
00:47:35,075 --> 00:47:38,078
♪ I SAID THE SHOW HAS GOT
A BUDGET ♪
987
00:47:38,078 --> 00:47:40,602
♪ THE SHOW HAS GOT A BUDGET ♪
988
00:47:40,602 --> 00:47:43,475
♪ AND ALL THE POOR PEOPLE
WAY MORE DESERVING ♪
989
00:47:43,475 --> 00:47:46,173
♪ OF THE MONEY
WON'’T BUDGE IT ♪
990
00:47:46,173 --> 00:47:48,872
♪ '’CAUSE I WANTED
MY NAME IN LIGHTS ♪
991
00:47:48,872 --> 00:47:51,570
♪ WHEN I COULD HAVE FED
A FAMILY OF FOUR ♪
992
00:47:51,570 --> 00:47:54,573
♪ FOR 40 FUCKING FORTNIGHTS ♪
993
00:47:54,573 --> 00:47:56,880
♪ 40 FUCKING FORTNIGHTS ♪
994
00:47:56,880 --> 00:47:59,491
♪ I AM AN ARTIST,
PLEASE, GOD, FORGIVE ME ♪
995
00:47:59,491 --> 00:48:02,189
♪ I AM AN ARTIST,
PLEASE, DON'’T REVERE ME ♪
996
00:48:02,189 --> 00:48:04,800
♪ I AM AN ARTIST,
PLEASE, DON'’T RESPECT ME ♪
997
00:48:04,800 --> 00:48:07,673
♪ I AM AN ARTIST,
FEEL FREE TO CORRECT ME ♪
998
00:48:07,673 --> 00:48:10,241
♪ A SELF-CENTERED ARTIST,
SELF-OBSESSED ARTIST ♪
999
00:48:10,241 --> 00:48:13,331
♪ I AM AN ARTIST,
I AM AN ARTIST ♪
1000
00:48:13,331 --> 00:48:15,811
♪ BUT I'’M JUST A KID,
I'’M JUST A KID ♪
1001
00:48:15,811 --> 00:48:19,424
♪ I'’M JUST A KID, KID,
AND MAYBE I'’LL GROW OUT OF IT ♪
1002
00:48:19,424 --> 00:48:22,122
[cheers and applause]
1003
00:48:28,476 --> 00:48:30,870
OLD COMICS--
OLDER COMICS FROM, LIKE,
1004
00:48:30,870 --> 00:48:34,308
THE '’80s AND THE '’70s,
THEY THINK THAT MY ACT IS HACKY
1005
00:48:34,308 --> 00:48:36,223
BECAUSE IT RELIES
ON MUSIC AND OTHER THINGS,
1006
00:48:36,223 --> 00:48:37,703
AND THEY'’RE SUCH
COMEDY PURISTS,
1007
00:48:37,703 --> 00:48:40,488
AND THEY DON'’T THINK MY COMEDY
CAN STAND ON ITS OWN,
1008
00:48:40,488 --> 00:48:42,882
WHICH ISN'’T TRUE BECAUSE,
RIGHT,
1009
00:48:42,882 --> 00:48:44,536
I AM A COMEDY PURIST
AT HEART,
1010
00:48:44,536 --> 00:48:46,842
AND I CAN DO COMEDY
WITHOUT THE GIMMICKS.
1011
00:48:46,842 --> 00:48:49,367
AND IT CAN STILL BE GOOD.
I'’LL SHOW YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.
1012
00:48:49,367 --> 00:48:52,500
WHAT DO YOU CALL A KID
WITH NO ARMS AND AN EYE PATCH?
1013
00:48:52,500 --> 00:48:54,763
NAMES.
1014
00:48:54,763 --> 00:48:56,461
[laughter and applause]
1015
00:49:08,429 --> 00:49:12,129
I'’M NOT A TRADITIONAL STAND-UP,
UM, BUT I'’D LIKE TO BE.
1016
00:49:12,129 --> 00:49:14,653
I LOVE TRADITIONAL
STAND-UP COMEDY,
1017
00:49:14,653 --> 00:49:17,308
AND A LOT OF MY HEROES
ARE TRADITIONAL STAND-UP COMICS,
1018
00:49:17,308 --> 00:49:18,700
AND I'’VE BEEN WATCHING
A LOT OF IT,
1019
00:49:18,700 --> 00:49:21,573
AND I THINK I'’VE SORT OF
FIGURED OUT THE TRICK TO IT.
1020
00:49:21,573 --> 00:49:24,663
SO I'’LL GIVE YOU MY TRADITIONAL
STAND-UP ACT NOW.
1021
00:49:24,663 --> 00:49:27,144
IT'’S IN ITS INFANCY
SO PLEASE BE GENTLE.
1022
00:49:27,144 --> 00:49:29,668
UH...
1023
00:49:29,668 --> 00:49:31,626
MY WIFE, RIGHT?
1024
00:49:31,626 --> 00:49:35,630
[laughter]
1025
00:49:35,630 --> 00:49:38,198
WE NEVER HAVE SEX, LIKE, EVER,
WHICH IS FUNNY.
1026
00:49:38,198 --> 00:49:40,200
SOMETHING ELSE IS I NEVER KNOW
WHAT SHE'’S SAYING.
1027
00:49:40,200 --> 00:49:43,682
YOU KNOW, SHE'’LL SAY SOMETHING,
AND I'’LL BE, LIKE...
1028
00:49:43,682 --> 00:49:46,728
SOMETHING ELSE IS, SHE'’S, LIKE,
CONSTANTLY EMASCULATING ME,
1029
00:49:46,728 --> 00:49:48,556
AND I'’M MAKING HER RESENT
HERSELF FOR GETTING OLDER,
1030
00:49:48,556 --> 00:49:51,559
SO WE'’RE LOOKING INTO A DIVORCE,
WHICH IS FUNNY.
1031
00:49:51,559 --> 00:49:53,344
SOMETHING ELSE
IS SHE CAN'’T DRIVE.
1032
00:49:53,344 --> 00:49:55,433
THE ONLY THING SHE CAN DRIVE
IS DRIVE ME CRAZY!
1033
00:49:55,433 --> 00:49:57,217
YOU KNOW, WHEN SHE BACK-TALKS,
I HIT HER.
1034
00:49:57,217 --> 00:49:59,045
[laughter]
1035
00:50:04,181 --> 00:50:06,183
I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED
THE SHOW.
1036
00:50:06,183 --> 00:50:10,752
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING,
AND IF YOU DIDN'’T, YOU KNOW...
1037
00:50:10,752 --> 00:50:13,973
WHEN LIFE GETS YOU DOWN...
1038
00:50:13,973 --> 00:50:15,627
MAKE A COMFORTER.
1039
00:50:15,627 --> 00:50:17,629
[laughter]
1040
00:50:23,852 --> 00:50:27,117
I FEEL LIKE HIP-HOP...
1041
00:50:27,117 --> 00:50:31,295
USED TO BE A VOICE
FOR THE VOICELESS, YOU KNOW?
1042
00:50:31,295 --> 00:50:33,210
AND NOW IT'’S BECOME,
AT LEAST IN THE MAINSTREAM,
1043
00:50:33,210 --> 00:50:36,996
A SYMBOL OF MISOGYNY...
1044
00:50:39,694 --> 00:50:41,087
GAY PANIC...
1045
00:50:43,394 --> 00:50:46,223
FISCAL IRRESPONSIBILITY,
YOU KNOW?
1046
00:50:46,223 --> 00:50:49,922
SO I FIGURE...
1047
00:50:49,922 --> 00:50:51,402
IF YOU CAN'’T BEAT '’EM,
JOIN '’EM.
1048
00:50:51,402 --> 00:50:53,273
♪ HITTIN'’ THE CLUB UP
V.I.P. ♪
1049
00:50:53,273 --> 00:50:55,014
♪ I'’VE GOT A FAKE MUSTACHE
AND A FAKE I.D. ♪
1050
00:50:55,014 --> 00:50:57,973
♪ I LOOK LIKE WOOLY WILLY
WITH A REALLY WOOLY WILLY ♪
1051
00:50:57,973 --> 00:50:59,671
♪ AND I BYPASS THE BOUNCER ♪
1052
00:50:59,671 --> 00:51:01,455
♪ PASS BY AN EX, AND I FLEX
AND BOUNCE HER, WOWSER ♪
1053
00:51:01,455 --> 00:51:03,196
♪ LOOK AT ALL OF BO'’S HOES ♪
1054
00:51:03,196 --> 00:51:04,893
♪ LOOKING FOR A RIDE
ON BO'’S HOSE ♪
1055
00:51:04,893 --> 00:51:06,765
♪ AND I SPOT A LITTLE LATINO ♪
1056
00:51:06,765 --> 00:51:08,245
♪ BOOTY SO BIG,
CALL IT OPRAH'’S EGO ♪
1057
00:51:08,245 --> 00:51:09,463
♪ WE GO DO IT THROUGH IT ♪
1058
00:51:09,463 --> 00:51:11,900
♪ SHE SAYS,
"DIOS MIO, MI AMIGO" ♪
1059
00:51:11,900 --> 00:51:14,903
♪ WHEN WE WERE DONE, SHE SAID,
"HEH, IMMA AYA" ♪
1060
00:51:14,903 --> 00:51:17,645
♪ SWALLOW, BITCH, THERE'’S PEOPLE
STARVIN'’ IN AFRICA ♪
1061
00:51:17,645 --> 00:51:19,647
[laughter]
1062
00:51:24,261 --> 00:51:25,566
♪ SINGLE EVERY SINGLE DAY ♪
1063
00:51:25,566 --> 00:51:27,307
♪ DO IT EVERY SINGLE WAY ♪
1064
00:51:27,307 --> 00:51:28,917
♪ MAKE THE SINGLE LADIES SAY ♪
1065
00:51:28,917 --> 00:51:30,919
♪ OH, BO ♪
1066
00:51:30,919 --> 00:51:33,531
♪ AND IF I WERE GAY,
THOUGH I SWEAR I'’M STRAIGHT ♪
1067
00:51:33,531 --> 00:51:34,836
♪ I'’D MAKE THE FELLAS SAY ♪
1068
00:51:34,836 --> 00:51:36,621
♪ OH, BO ♪
1069
00:51:36,621 --> 00:51:38,057
♪ I SAID, OH, BO ♪
1070
00:51:38,057 --> 00:51:39,841
♪ OH, BO ♪
1071
00:51:42,105 --> 00:51:44,150
♪ YOU'’RE AN ICE CREAM SUNDAE
WITH A CHERRY ON TOP ♪
1072
00:51:44,150 --> 00:51:45,499
♪ BUT CAREFUL, CHERRY,
'’CAUSE I'’M THE KING OF POP ♪
1073
00:51:45,499 --> 00:51:47,284
♪ POP,
POP GOES THE WEASEL ♪
1074
00:51:47,284 --> 00:51:48,415
♪ HAVE YOU LOOKIN'’ LIKE
JACKSON POLLACK'’S EASEL ♪
1075
00:51:48,415 --> 00:51:50,287
♪ YEAH, MY SUGGESTION IS ♪
1076
00:51:50,287 --> 00:51:51,940
♪ YOU DON'’T BLOW TILL YOU KNOW
WHAT CONGESTION IS ♪
1077
00:51:51,940 --> 00:51:53,725
♪ SWALLOW WHEN YOU KNOW
WHAT DIGESTION IS ♪
1078
00:51:53,725 --> 00:51:55,640
♪ FOLLOW BO,
THE ONLY QUESTION IS ♪
1079
00:51:55,640 --> 00:51:56,858
♪ HAVE YOU BEEN SPLATTERED
BEFORE ♪
1080
00:51:56,858 --> 00:51:58,251
♪ BY THE MAD HATTER MATADOR ♪
1081
00:51:58,251 --> 00:52:00,210
♪ CAKE BATTER NEVERMORE ♪
1082
00:52:00,210 --> 00:52:01,689
♪ IT DON'’T MATTER
WHETHER YOU'’RE ♪
1083
00:52:01,689 --> 00:52:04,518
♪ SPANISH, FRENCH, SWEDISH,
OR CAMBODIAN ♪
1084
00:52:04,518 --> 00:52:07,956
♪ I'’LL SLIME YOU SO HARD
YOU COULD BE ON NICKELODEON ♪
1085
00:52:07,956 --> 00:52:10,959
[cheers and applause]
1086
00:52:10,959 --> 00:52:12,178
♪ SINGLE EVERY SINGLE DAY ♪
1087
00:52:12,178 --> 00:52:13,745
♪ DO IT EVERY SINGLE WAY ♪
1088
00:52:13,745 --> 00:52:15,573
♪ MAKE THE SINGLE LADIES SAY ♪
1089
00:52:15,573 --> 00:52:16,965
♪ OH, BO ♪
1090
00:52:16,965 --> 00:52:18,706
♪ AND IF I WERE GAY ♪
1091
00:52:18,706 --> 00:52:20,099
♪ THOUGH I SWEAR I'’M STRAIGHT ♪
1092
00:52:20,099 --> 00:52:21,535
♪ I'’D MAKE THE FELLAS SAY ♪
1093
00:52:21,535 --> 00:52:23,233
[scattered shouting]
1094
00:52:27,411 --> 00:52:30,153
♪ OH, BO,
I SAID, OH, BO ♪
1095
00:52:30,153 --> 00:52:33,286
♪ I SAID, OH, BO ♪
1096
00:52:33,286 --> 00:52:35,419
♪ YOU THINK
THAT YOU CAN HANDLE ME ♪
1097
00:52:35,419 --> 00:52:37,072
♪ GIRL,
DON'’T MAKE ME LAUGH ♪
1098
00:52:37,072 --> 00:52:39,727
♪ MY JUNK IS BIPOLAR,
IT'’LL SPLIT YOU IN HALF ♪
1099
00:52:39,727 --> 00:52:41,468
♪ I SAID,
AND IF YOU'’RE LUCKY ♪
1100
00:52:41,468 --> 00:52:43,862
♪ I MIGHT JUST BRING YOU HOME,
AND I'’LL HAVE YOU GOING DOWN ♪
1101
00:52:43,862 --> 00:52:45,907
♪ LIKE YOU'’RE GROWING
AN EXTRA CHROMOSOME ♪
1102
00:52:45,907 --> 00:52:47,953
♪ AND WHEN YOU LOVE ME,
DON'’T GRAB ME BY MY BUNS ♪
1103
00:52:47,953 --> 00:52:52,262
♪ '’CAUSE I GOT A BAD CASE
OF THE RU-U-NS ♪
1104
00:52:52,262 --> 00:52:53,611
♪ I GOT THE RUNS ♪
1105
00:52:53,611 --> 00:52:56,483
♪ I GOT THE RU-UH-UH-
OH, OH ♪
1106
00:52:56,483 --> 00:52:58,093
♪ SINGLE EVERY SINGLE DAY ♪
1107
00:52:58,093 --> 00:52:59,443
♪ DO IT EVERY SINGLE WAY ♪
1108
00:52:59,443 --> 00:53:01,053
♪ MAKE THE SINGLE LADIES SAY ♪
1109
00:53:01,053 --> 00:53:02,794
♪ OH, BO ♪
1110
00:53:02,794 --> 00:53:04,709
♪ AND IF I WERE,
OH, SO THAT I WERE ♪
1111
00:53:04,709 --> 00:53:06,319
♪ YEAH, AND IF I WERE ♪
1112
00:53:06,319 --> 00:53:08,408
[music softens]
1113
00:53:08,408 --> 00:53:12,673
LIKE TO BREAK IT DOWN
FOR Y'’ALL.
1114
00:53:12,673 --> 00:53:14,806
I CAME FROM THE STREETS
WITH NOTHING.
1115
00:53:14,806 --> 00:53:17,287
[light laughter]
1116
00:53:17,287 --> 00:53:20,203
NOW I'’M MAKING HIT RECORDS.
1117
00:53:20,203 --> 00:53:23,075
FOR MY PEOPLE STILL LIVING
IN THE STREETS,
1118
00:53:23,075 --> 00:53:24,468
STILL LIVING IN POVERTY,
1119
00:53:24,468 --> 00:53:27,645
I WANNA TELL YOU,
I'’M DOING THIS FOR YOU.
1120
00:53:27,645 --> 00:53:30,474
MY SUCCESS...
1121
00:53:30,474 --> 00:53:32,606
IS YOUR SUCCESS.
1122
00:53:32,606 --> 00:53:34,782
AND YOU MAY BE THINKING, "HEY,
IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT,
1123
00:53:34,782 --> 00:53:36,480
"WHY DON'’T YOU USE
SOME OF YOUR MONEY
1124
00:53:36,480 --> 00:53:38,308
"TO HELP
REBUILD THE NEIGHBORHOOD
1125
00:53:38,308 --> 00:53:40,788
INSTEAD OF PUTTING SPINNING RIMS
ON A GOLD JETSKI?"
1126
00:53:40,788 --> 00:53:43,965
[laughter]
1127
00:53:43,965 --> 00:53:46,403
AND TO THAT I SAY...
1128
00:53:49,406 --> 00:53:50,798
UH-OH,
CHORUS IS COMING UP.
1129
00:53:50,798 --> 00:53:52,322
♪ SINGLE EVERY SINGLE DAY ♪
1130
00:53:52,322 --> 00:53:53,584
♪ DO IT EVERY SINGLE WAY ♪
1131
00:53:53,584 --> 00:53:55,281
♪ MAKE THOSE SINGLE LADIES SAY ♪
1132
00:53:55,281 --> 00:53:56,978
♪ OH, BO ♪
1133
00:53:56,978 --> 00:53:59,111
♪ AND IF I WERE,
OH, SO THAT I WERE ♪
1134
00:53:59,111 --> 00:54:01,635
♪ YEAH, AND IF I WERE ♪
1135
00:54:01,635 --> 00:54:03,507
♪ YOU GOT A FUME LIKE A TUNA ♪
1136
00:54:03,507 --> 00:54:05,248
♪ I'’LL SMELL YOU LATER ♪
1137
00:54:05,248 --> 00:54:08,512
♪ I MET A FAT CHICK AND I
FUCKED HER IN AN ELEVATOR ♪
1138
00:54:08,512 --> 00:54:10,688
♪ IT WAS WRONG
ON SO MANY LEVELS ♪
1139
00:54:10,688 --> 00:54:13,212
[laughter]
1140
00:54:13,212 --> 00:54:15,693
♪ '’CAUSE I SAID IT WAS WRONG
ON SO MANY LEVELS ♪
1141
00:54:15,693 --> 00:54:17,738
♪ I SAID IT WAS WRONG ON ♪
1142
00:54:24,571 --> 00:54:26,269
[cheers and applause]
1143
00:54:55,994 --> 00:54:57,952
OH...
1144
00:55:04,481 --> 00:55:05,395
OKAY.
1145
00:55:15,056 --> 00:55:18,016
♪ I DON'’T KNOW
IF ALL BOY SCOUTS ARE GAY ♪
1146
00:55:18,016 --> 00:55:19,496
♪ THEY COULD PROBABLY
TIE THE KNOT ♪[cheers and applause]
1147
00:55:19,496 --> 00:55:21,672
♪ IN LIKE FIFTY DIFFERENT-- ♪
I'’M DYING INSIDE!
1148
00:55:21,672 --> 00:55:24,109
♪ I GOT A SAFE FULL OF CHERRIES
'’CAUSE I POP IT AND LOCK IT ♪
1149
00:55:24,109 --> 00:55:25,763
♪ A GIRL'’S LIKE A FRIDGE, ONCE
A WEEK YOU SHOULD STALK IT ♪
1150
00:55:25,763 --> 00:55:27,112
♪IF YOUR INTO RIMMIN, IT'’S ONLY
SAFE IF YOUR SWIMMIN'’ ♪
1151
00:55:27,112 --> 00:55:28,809
♪ GIRL,
DON'’T SIT ON THAT COUCH ♪
1152
00:55:28,809 --> 00:55:30,115
♪ '’CAUSE I TREAT MY OBJECTS
LIKE WOMEN ♪
1153
00:55:30,115 --> 00:55:32,291
♪ I SPIT FIRE
LIKE I JUST BLEW A DEMON ♪
1154
00:55:32,291 --> 00:55:34,249
♪ MY SHIT'’S SO HOT I'’LL LEAVE
YOUR TOILET BOWL STEAMIN'’ ♪
1155
00:55:34,249 --> 00:55:36,208
♪ I'’M GONNA TEAR IT
LIKE THE CARDS OF THE GYPSIES ♪
1156
00:55:36,208 --> 00:55:38,515
♪ YOU'’LL BLEED FOR SO LONG
YOU'’LL GET MONTHLY ELLIPSES ♪
1157
00:55:38,515 --> 00:55:40,517
♪ IF YOUR PANTS ARE LOOSE,
I'’LL REPLETE YA ♪
1158
00:55:40,517 --> 00:55:42,257
♪ YOU'’RE A FIRST TIME VEGAN,
AND IT'’S NICE TO MEET YA ♪
1159
00:55:42,257 --> 00:55:44,390
♪ I'’M BO, YO,
I'’M THE GREATEST RAPPA EVA ♪
1160
00:55:44,390 --> 00:55:45,870
♪ AND I'’LL WEATHER YOUR WEATHER
WHETHER YOU THINK I'’M CLEVER ♪
1161
00:55:45,870 --> 00:55:47,132
♪ OR NOT, THINK YOU'’RE BETTER,
YOU'’RE NOT ♪
1162
00:55:47,132 --> 00:55:49,700
♪ DON'’T NEED A SWEATER,
I'’M HOT ♪
1163
00:55:49,700 --> 00:55:51,702
♪ I'’M A REAL G THAT CAN REALLY
FIND YOUR G SPOT ♪[audience clapping to beat]
1164
00:55:51,702 --> 00:55:55,270
♪ OH, YEAH,
YOU'’RE NOT A FUCKING METRONOME ♪
1165
00:55:55,270 --> 00:55:57,577
[laughter and applause]
1166
00:55:57,577 --> 00:56:00,363
YEAH.
1167
00:56:00,363 --> 00:56:03,366
♪ GO TO A VAGINA ORCHARD,
COUNT 1, 2, 3 ♪
1168
00:56:03,366 --> 00:56:05,106
♪ SPIN THAT PLANT AROUND,
YOU GOT A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY ♪
1169
00:56:05,106 --> 00:56:07,108
♪ NO, THAT'’S RIGHT,
CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED ♪
1170
00:56:07,108 --> 00:56:08,719
♪ I'’M OFFENSIVE AND CREATIVE
LIKE HANDICAPPED PORN ♪
1171
00:56:08,719 --> 00:56:09,850
♪ YOU'’RE PLAYING
WITH YOUR BREASTS ♪
1172
00:56:09,850 --> 00:56:11,852
♪ EXCUSE ME,
CAN I TRY IT MA'’AM? ♪
1173
00:56:11,852 --> 00:56:13,637
♪ YOUR PUSHIN'’ '’EM TOGETHER
LIKE A TITTY VENN DIAGRAM ♪
1174
00:56:13,637 --> 00:56:15,378
♪ LOOK AT THAT CRACK,
EXCUSE ME CAN I BUY A GRAM? ♪
1175
00:56:15,378 --> 00:56:17,423
♪ RIGHT BELOW YOUR DIAPHRAGM,
ASS LOOKS LIKE YOUR HIDIN'’ HAM ♪
1176
00:56:17,423 --> 00:56:19,338
♪ FIRST BASE,
WERE MAKING OUT ♪
1177
00:56:19,338 --> 00:56:21,253
♪ MOTHER FUCKER, SECOND BASE,
I'’M GETTING FAKED OUT, YO ♪
1178
00:56:21,253 --> 00:56:23,298
♪THIRD BASE,
I'’M GETTING TAKE-OUT ♪
1179
00:56:23,298 --> 00:56:25,213
♪ AND I TRY TO TAKE IT HOME
IF I KNEW I'’D TAKE IT OUT ♪
1180
00:56:25,213 --> 00:56:27,694
♪ BUT I JUST DON'’T KNOW
I SAID I JUST DON'’T CARE ♪
1181
00:56:27,694 --> 00:56:30,131
♪ MY FLOW'’S SO COLD I NEED
A TAMPON FROM A POLAR BEAR ♪
1182
00:56:30,131 --> 00:56:32,177
♪ AND YOU CAN SPELL
AND SMELL MY STINK ♪
1183
00:56:32,177 --> 00:56:33,613
♪ '’CAUSE B.O. LINGERS
AND IT MAKES YOU THINK ♪
1184
00:56:33,613 --> 00:56:35,572
♪ I'’M BO, YO,
I'’M THE GREATEST RAPPA EVA ♪
1185
00:56:35,572 --> 00:56:37,443
♪ AND I'’LL WEATHER YOUR WEATHER
WHETHER YOU THINK I'’M CLEVER ♪
1186
00:56:37,443 --> 00:56:38,749
♪ OR NOT, THINK YOU'’RE BETTER,
YOU'’RE NOT ♪
1187
00:56:38,749 --> 00:56:40,315
♪ DON'’T NEED A SWEATER,
I'’M HOT ♪
1188
00:56:40,315 --> 00:56:42,143
I'’M BAD AT SEX.
GET IT?
1189
00:56:42,143 --> 00:56:43,754
[laughter and applause]
1190
00:56:46,191 --> 00:56:48,280
YEAH, WHAT?
1191
00:56:48,280 --> 00:56:50,282
♪ '’CAUSE GIRLS ARE LIKE DONUTS
WHEN I BE BUSTIN'’ BO NUTS ♪
1192
00:56:50,282 --> 00:56:52,284
♪ I CAN MAKE '’EM CREAM-FILLED
OR GIVE THEM A LAYER OF GLAZE ♪
1193
00:56:52,284 --> 00:56:54,155
♪ I'’M LIKE DOUG'’S FRIEND SKEETER
WHENEVER I MEET HER ♪
1194
00:56:54,155 --> 00:56:55,287
[audience singing]
♪ '’CAUSE I SKEET HER SO HARD ♪
1195
00:56:55,287 --> 00:56:56,984
♪ PEOPLE CALL HER PATTY
MAYONNAISE ♪
1196
00:56:56,984 --> 00:56:59,291
YEAH, THAT'’S SAD.[cheers and applause]
1197
00:56:59,291 --> 00:57:02,076
♪ YEAH, WHAT, UH ♪
1198
00:57:02,076 --> 00:57:04,252
♪ YEAH, '’CAUSE THERE'’S
AN INVERSE RELATIONSHIP ♪
1199
00:57:04,252 --> 00:57:06,211
♪ BETWEEN RESPECT AND SECTS ♪
1200
00:57:06,211 --> 00:57:07,473
♪ I'’M TALKING ABOUT RELIGIOUS
SECTS LIKE A MORMON SECT ♪
1201
00:57:07,473 --> 00:57:08,866
♪ THAT SAYS YOU CAN'’T HAVE SEX ♪
1202
00:57:08,866 --> 00:57:10,389
♪ WITH MEMBERS
OF DIFFERENT SECTS ♪
1203
00:57:10,389 --> 00:57:12,217
♪ BUT YOU CAN'’T HAVE SEX
WITH MEMBERS OF THE SAME SEX ♪
1204
00:57:12,217 --> 00:57:13,827
♪ THE SECTS CAN'’T BE DIFFERENT,
SEX CAN'’T BE SAME ♪
1205
00:57:13,827 --> 00:57:16,221
♪ THE ONLY SEX LEFT
IS SOME LEFT-HAND SHAME ♪
1206
00:57:16,221 --> 00:57:17,918
♪ GIRL, I LEFT YOU
'’CAUSE YOU LEFT THE GAME ♪
1207
00:57:17,918 --> 00:57:19,659
♪ AND IF THAT DON'’T FEEL RIGHT
THEN YOU CAN WRITE MY NAME ♪
1208
00:57:19,659 --> 00:57:21,835
♪ '’CAUSE I'’M BO, YO,
I'’M THE GREATEST RAPPA EVA ♪
1209
00:57:21,835 --> 00:57:23,489
♪ AND I'’LL WEATHER YOUR WEATHER
WHETHER YOU THINK I'’M CLEVER ♪
1210
00:57:23,489 --> 00:57:24,925
♪ OR NOT, THINK YOU'’RE BETTER,
YOU'’RE NOT ♪
1211
00:57:24,925 --> 00:57:26,057
♪ DON'’T NEED A SWEATER,
I'’M HOT ♪
1212
00:57:26,057 --> 00:57:28,451
♪ OH, GEE ♪
1213
00:57:30,453 --> 00:57:34,065
[cheers and applause]
1214
00:57:34,065 --> 00:57:35,806
♪ MY JUNKS SO LONG
THAT IT HANGS AND SWINGS ♪
1215
00:57:35,806 --> 00:57:38,156
♪ AT THE NUDE BEACH PEOPLE THINK
I'’M LOOKIN'’ FOR LOST RINGS ♪
1216
00:57:38,156 --> 00:57:40,375
♪ PLAY THE SKIN FLUTE,
YOUR BIG BOY SINGS ♪
1217
00:57:40,375 --> 00:57:42,160
IF YOU WANT TO TAKE IT ALL
WEAR AFRICAN NECK RINGS.
1218
00:57:42,160 --> 00:57:45,468
'’CAUSE, LIKE, MAN.[laughter]
1219
00:57:45,468 --> 00:57:47,034
♪ HATERS CALL ME GAY,
BUT THAT AIN'’T HATIN'’ ♪
1220
00:57:47,034 --> 00:57:49,036
♪ '’CAUSE I'’M NOT HOMOPHOBIC,
MY MORALS ARE STRAIGHT ♪
1221
00:57:49,036 --> 00:57:50,951
♪ AND IF I'’M IN THE CLOSET
THEN YOU ARE BELOW ME ♪
1222
00:57:50,951 --> 00:57:52,736
♪ TAKIN'’ THE B-A-T
OUT OF "BASEMENT," HOMEY ♪
1223
00:57:52,736 --> 00:57:55,042
SPELLS "SEMEN."
1224
00:57:55,042 --> 00:57:57,001
♪ '’CAUSE I'’M BO, YO, AND
I'’M THE GREATEST RAPPA EVA ♪
1225
00:57:57,001 --> 00:57:58,829
♪ AND I'’LL WEATHER YOUR WEATHER
WHETHER YOU THINK I'’M CLEVER ♪
1226
00:57:58,829 --> 00:57:59,960
♪ OR NOT, THINK YOU'’RE BETTER,
YOU'’RE NOT ♪
1227
00:57:59,960 --> 00:58:01,396
♪ DON'’T NEED A SWEATER,
I'’M HOT ♪
1228
00:58:01,396 --> 00:58:03,790
THIS SONG'’S GONNA END
REALLY AWKWARDLY.
1229
00:58:03,790 --> 00:58:06,053
THANK YOU.
I'’LL DO ONE--
1230
00:58:06,053 --> 00:58:07,707
THANK YOU GUYS
SO MUCH FOR COMING.
1231
00:58:07,707 --> 00:58:09,796
I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT NIGHT,
AND YOU'’RE THE BEST.
1232
00:58:09,796 --> 00:58:12,364
SEE YOU, BOSTON!
WHOA, BOSTON!
1233
00:58:12,364 --> 00:58:13,626
RED SOX.
1234
00:58:13,626 --> 00:58:15,628
[cheers and applause]
1235
00:58:18,283 --> 00:58:20,372
GO, MO VAUGHN.
1236
00:58:20,372 --> 00:58:23,331
[scattered cheers]
1237
00:58:23,331 --> 00:58:26,378
♪ I LOVE YOU
LIKE KINGS LOVE QUEENS ♪
1238
00:58:26,378 --> 00:58:30,469
♪ LIKE A GAY GENETICIST
LOVES DESIGNER GENES ♪
1239
00:58:30,469 --> 00:58:32,558
♪ I NEED YOU LIKE NEW ORLEANS
NEEDS A DROUGHT ♪
1240
00:58:32,558 --> 00:58:35,256
♪ LIKE HITLER'’S FATHER
NEEDED TO LEARN TO PULL OUT ♪
1241
00:58:35,256 --> 00:58:37,084
♪ AND I WANT YOU, YEAH ♪
1242
00:58:37,084 --> 00:58:39,522
♪ LIKE A LAWYER/MATHEMATICIAN
WANTS SOME KIND OF PROOF ♪
1243
00:58:39,522 --> 00:58:41,480
♪ AND I WANT YOU, YEAH ♪
1244
00:58:41,480 --> 00:58:43,656
♪ LIKE JFK WANTED ♪
1245
00:58:43,656 --> 00:58:45,179
♪ A CAR WITH A ROOF ♪
1246
00:58:47,660 --> 00:58:50,663
IS HE HERE?
1247
00:58:50,663 --> 00:58:53,231
♪ BECAUSE LOVE
IS TAKING A DIVE ♪
1248
00:58:53,231 --> 00:58:54,754
♪ THEN GETTING
REALLY COMFORTABLE ♪
1249
00:58:54,754 --> 00:58:56,060
♪ AND PEEING IN THE POOL ♪
1250
00:58:56,060 --> 00:58:58,149
♪ AND LOVE IS
A REAL-LIFE PORN ♪
1251
00:58:58,149 --> 00:59:00,281
♪ MINUS ALL THE STUFF
THAT MAKES PORN COOL ♪
1252
00:59:00,281 --> 00:59:02,283
♪ AND LOVE IS A HOMELESS GUY ♪
1253
00:59:02,283 --> 00:59:04,242
♪ SEARCHING FOR TREASURE
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RAIN ♪
1254
00:59:04,242 --> 00:59:06,766
♪ AND FINDING
A BAG OF GOLD COINS ♪
1255
00:59:06,766 --> 00:59:09,247
♪ AND SLOWLY FINDING OUT THEY'’RE
ALL FILLED WITH CHOCOLATE ♪
1256
00:59:09,247 --> 00:59:11,249
♪ AND EVEN THOUGH
HE'’S HEARTBROKEN ♪
1257
00:59:11,249 --> 00:59:13,033
♪ HE CAN'’T COMPLAIN '’CAUSE HE
WAS HUNGRY IN THE FIRST PLACE ♪
1258
00:59:17,777 --> 00:59:19,736
♪ I LOVE YOU
LIKE DORA LOVES MAPS ♪
1259
00:59:19,736 --> 00:59:22,521
♪ LIKE THE POPE'’S TOILET LOVES
HOLY CRAPS ♪
1260
00:59:22,521 --> 00:59:24,697
♪ I NEED YOU
LIKE A VOYEUR NEEDS A BRANCH ♪
1261
00:59:24,697 --> 00:59:26,220
♪ LIKE BOYS TOSSING SALAD ♪
1262
00:59:26,220 --> 00:59:27,874
♪ NEEDS A LITTLE BIT
OF NEVERLAND RANCH ♪
1263
00:59:27,874 --> 00:59:29,659
I WROTE IT BEFORE!
I'’M FINE.
1264
00:59:29,659 --> 00:59:31,486
♪ AND I WANT YOU, YEAH ♪
1265
00:59:31,486 --> 00:59:33,184
♪ LIKE ALL THE GOTHIC KIDS
THAT LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME ♪
1266
00:59:33,184 --> 00:59:35,229
♪ NEVER WANT TO CONFORM,
WHAT? ♪
1267
00:59:35,229 --> 00:59:39,190
♪ AND I WANT YOU
LIKE ANNE FRANK WANTED ♪
1268
00:59:39,190 --> 00:59:41,584
NOBODY TO READ
HER FUCKING DIARY.[cheers and applause]
1269
00:59:41,584 --> 00:59:43,803
♪ '’CAUSE A DIARY'’S A COLLECTION
OF SECRET THINGS ♪
1270
00:59:43,803 --> 00:59:45,109
♪ NO ONE'’S SUPPOSED TO READ ♪
1271
00:59:45,109 --> 00:59:46,414
♪ THAT'’S THE WHOLE POINT
OF A DIARY ♪
1272
00:59:46,414 --> 00:59:48,329
♪ MILLIONS OF PEOPLE
HAVE BREACHED ♪
1273
00:59:48,329 --> 00:59:49,896
♪ THIS LITTLE GIRL'’S PRIVACY
AFTER SHE WAS CHASED BY NAZIS ♪
1274
00:59:49,896 --> 00:59:51,855
♪ KICK HER WHILE SHE'’S DOWN ♪
1275
00:59:51,855 --> 00:59:54,335
♪ AND IF WE MET
IN 10,000 BC ♪
1276
00:59:54,335 --> 00:59:56,729
♪ I WAS YOUR CAVEMAN,
YOU WAS MY CAVELADY ♪
1277
00:59:59,340 --> 01:00:00,864
♪ IF WE GOT HOT,
WE'’D START A-RUBBING ♪
1278
01:00:00,864 --> 01:00:03,083
♪ IF WE GOT HUNGRY,
WE'’D GO CLUBBING ♪
1279
01:00:03,083 --> 01:00:05,390
♪ THERE'’S WOOLLY MAMMOTHS,
BUT I WILL PROTECT US ♪
1280
01:00:05,390 --> 01:00:07,392
♪ YOU'’RE MAKING ME DEVOLVE
TO A HOMO ERECTUS ♪
1281
01:00:07,392 --> 01:00:08,698
YEAH, HOMINID TREE.
1282
01:00:08,698 --> 01:00:10,351
♪ AND IF WE MET IN 1780 ♪
1283
01:00:10,351 --> 01:00:12,832
♪ I WAS A WHITE SOUTHERN
ARISTOCRATIC PLANTATION OWNER ♪
1284
01:00:12,832 --> 01:00:17,141
♪ AND YOU WERE MY DARK-SKINNED
SERVANT LADY SLAVE ♪
1285
01:00:17,141 --> 01:00:19,883
♪ WHENEVER I COULD GET AWAY
FROM THE MISSUS ♪
1286
01:00:19,883 --> 01:00:21,972
♪ I'’D GO TO YOUR SHED,
AND THEN I'’D STEAL YOU KISSES ♪
1287
01:00:21,972 --> 01:00:23,626
♪ BUT LET'’S BE SERIOUS ♪
1288
01:00:23,626 --> 01:00:25,410
♪ I'’D STILL WORK YOU
FULL-TIME AS A SLAVE ♪
1289
01:00:25,410 --> 01:00:26,759
♪ THERE'’S A DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN ROMANTIC LANGUAGE ♪
1290
01:00:26,759 --> 01:00:29,588
♪ AND COMPLETE DISREGARD
FOR SOCIO-ECONOMIC TRENDS ♪
1291
01:00:29,588 --> 01:00:32,678
♪ SO IF WE MET IN 1941 ♪
1292
01:00:32,678 --> 01:00:35,159
♪ I WAS A NAZI,
YOU'’S A GYPSY ON THE RUN ♪
1293
01:00:35,159 --> 01:00:36,639
♪ THAT'’S A LITTLE REDUNDANT ♪
1294
01:00:36,639 --> 01:00:37,640
♪ THAT ♪
1295
01:00:41,600 --> 01:00:43,907
♪ PROBABLY WOULDN'’T
HAVE WORKED OUT, OKAY ♪
1296
01:00:43,907 --> 01:00:47,084
♪ YEAH, BECAUSE LOVE
IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD ♪
1297
01:00:47,084 --> 01:00:49,390
♪ FOR EVERY BREAKFAST,
LUNCH, AND DINNER ♪
1298
01:00:49,390 --> 01:00:52,045
♪ AND LOVE IS THE HOLOCAUST
IF YOU DON'’T DIE QUICK ♪
1299
01:00:52,045 --> 01:00:53,699
♪ AND YOU DON'’T GET THINNER ♪
1300
01:00:53,699 --> 01:00:56,267
♪ AND LOVE IS BEING
THE OWNER OF THE COMPANY ♪
1301
01:00:56,267 --> 01:00:58,835
♪ THAT MAKES RAPE WHISTLES,
AND EVEN THOUGH ♪
1302
01:00:58,835 --> 01:01:00,097
♪ YOU STARTED THE COMPANY
WITH GOOD INTENTIONS ♪
1303
01:01:00,097 --> 01:01:01,881
♪ TRYING TO REDUCE THE RATE
OF RAPE ♪
1304
01:01:01,881 --> 01:01:03,448
♪ NOW YOU DON'’T WANT
TO REDUCE IT AT ALL ♪
1305
01:01:03,448 --> 01:01:05,232
♪ '’CAUSE IF THE RAPE RATE
DECLINES, ♪
1306
01:01:05,232 --> 01:01:07,365
♪ YOU'’LL SEE AN EQUAL DECLINE
IN WHISTLE SALES ♪
1307
01:01:07,365 --> 01:01:13,719
♪ YEAH, WITHOUT A RAPIST
WHO'’S GONNA BUY YOUR WHISTLE? ♪
1308
01:01:13,719 --> 01:01:17,462
♪ BECAUSE LOVE IS ♪
1309
01:01:17,462 --> 01:01:18,942
♪ LOVE IS ALL ABOUT WHISTLES ♪
1310
01:01:21,031 --> 01:01:22,728
[cheers and applause]
95886
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