All language subtitles for The.Final.Girls.2015.720p.BluRay.x264-@lubokvideo

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NARRATOR: Welcome to Camp Blue Finch,

where romance in the sun
can turn deadly!

- Best summer ever!
- (CHEERING)

This is the summer
that's going to change your life.

NARRATOR: Where the days are warm...

Hey, Nance,
that guitar is choice.

Thanks, Blake.
Bitching hair.

...the girls are cool...

Did I miss the Kumbaya circle?

...the nights are always hot.

And evil lurks
around every corner.

Gosh, you startled me.

So, I just go down
that path all the way?

A guy like you can go
anywhere he wants.

(CHUCKLES)

NARRATOR: And any
moment, Billy can strike.

(SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

(SCREAMING)

They won't be singing Kumbaya.

- They'll be screaming Kum Ba No!
- (SCREAMING)

Pack your bags
for Camp Bloodbath...

You just messed
with the wrong virgin.

...where the only marshmallow

that will roast is your sanity.

(CHUCKLES FAINTLY)

(SIGHS)

Well, they'll let me know.

You know you're too good
for this crap, right?

The casting director was all like,
"I know you from somewhere."

And I went, "Really?
Oh, it's probably

"my arc on CSI as
a bipolar mistress."

And he's like,
"No, I got it. Camp Bloodbath. "

(GROANS)

Am I ever going to
live that movie down?

I mean, it was 20 years ago.

Honestly, if you
ever become an actor,

don't ever do a slasher flick.

You wouldn't catch me dead in a movie.
You're the actress here.

Damn straight.

And I'm no actress.
I'm a movie star.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(SIGHS)

Mel's?

Mel's.

- (GEAR STICK CLICKS)
- Let's rock and roll.

MAX: So, we owe
the electric company

$174.88 by next Monday...

You remember Frank?

He told me he was
going to take me

to Palm Springs this weekend.

No message.
No text.

No surprise.

You know, it's just
he said we were exclusive.

Well, he said it,
he doesn't act like it.

Whatever.
What do I know?

You must think I'm a total zero.

Screw him, Mom.

And screw his shady
hotel in Palm Springs.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Oh, my God.

Look at you taking care of me.

What happened to
that little girl

I used to dance with
in the backyard?

She grew up and is
trying to figure out

where this $174
is gonna come from.

What are you doing?
Are you crazy?

(GASPS) Our song!

(TURNS VOLUME UP)

Mom. We need to
figure this out.

- (MOUTHING)
- ♪ Her hair is Harlowe gold ♪

♪ Her lips sweet surprise ♪

♪ Her hands are never cold ♪

You're such a dork.

♪ She's got Bette Davis eyes ♪

Everything in my life, I got wrong.

But you,
I got you right.

I love you.
You know that, right?

♪ She's pure as New York snow ♪

♪ She's got Bette Davis eyes ♪

What?

Nothing.

Nothing.

- (TURNS VOLUME UP)
- ♪ She'll unease you ♪

- (MOUTHING)
- ♪ All the better just to please you ♪

♪ She's precocious and she knows just ♪

- (MOUTHING)
- ♪ What it takes to make a pro blush ♪

♪ She got Greta Garbo stand off sighs ♪

♪ She's got Bette Davis eyes ♪

- (GASPS)
- Max, those are really expensive...

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(ALARM BLARING)

(ALARM TURNS OFF)

AUNT PEARL: Gertie's here.

Coming, Aunt Pearl.

So, when Chris asked you to study,
was he like,

"I want you to come study"?

Or was he like,
"I want you to come.

"Study."

Please. I'm only going,
so I don't flunk Classics.

Come on, you know that he
broke up with Vicki last week, right?

And she is a mess.

Have you seen the veiled
suicide note/poem

she posted on her Facebook page?

(CHUCKLING)
It's so hilarious.

I read it out loud to myself.

A lot.

Hmm.

Hey, just keep on keeping on.

What does that even mean?

Something my therapist
tells me all the time.

You have a therapist?
Mmm-hmm.

Does that help you deal?

Mmm. No, not really.

She's a physical
therapist, so...

(HORN BLARES)

CHRIS: Okay. So, the
myth of Persephone.

Max, you want to take this one?

Sure.

She's the daughter of Zeus

and she eats pomegranate seeds,

and then Hades kidnaps her
to the underworld.

Yeah. Okay, good.

So, they go back
to the underworld

and Persephone is freaking out,

and Hermes is like,
"It's okay, it's okay.

"Just keep looking forward,

"or we'll be
stuck here forever."

Max, do you want to jot
any of this down or...

Oh, no, it's okay, Max.
I've already got a copy.

You can copy from me later

or I can give it to you
if you... If you want.

I'm gonna stop talking.

(CHRIS CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, shit.
Max, hey, wait.

Did you not get my messages?
Duncan. No.

Please, come on. Please.

Seriously, no.

The Bath-maticians
were so excited when I told them

that Amanda Cartwright's
daughter was my sister's best friend.

Step-sister.

Why would you say that?
That's so hurtful.

Please, Max,
I promised that you'd be there.

I am the assistant
general manager

of the varsity.
Think of my reputation.

Wait. What are
"Bath-maticians"?

Uh, Camp Bloodbath fans.

It's kind of our
awesome nickname.

Did you know that a nickname
immediately becomes uncool

when you give it to yourself?

You know what, Gertie?

When my dad told me that I was
going to get a sister, I cried

because that's all
I'd ever wanted.

But not like this.
Not like this.

Don't.

Look, Camp Bloodbath
is like the granddaddy

of all campsite
slasher films, okay.

Amazing production design,

insane music,
over-the-top acting.

It's a cult classic.

Max's mom plays Nancy,

this sort of
shy girl-next-door

who gives up her butterfly
to some dumb jock,

and Billy Murphy comes along

(IN AN ACCENT)
and chops her ass up on a waterbed.

(SCOFFS) Sorry, Duncan.

Tell your cult, maybe
I'll see them next year.

I'll do all your
Classics assignments

for the rest of the year.

Papers, your homework,
all of it.

Gertie told me that
you were failing.

Please, Max, what do you say?
You wanna graduate, or not?

- Max!
- (GASPS)

Gertie!
Oh, you scared me.

Well, this will be fun, huh?

Being trapped in a movie theater
with a bunch of nerds.

Yeah, sure.

You know what was fun, though?

Watching Chris today,
ogle over you.

Shut up.

What? That's a word, right? Ogle?

He likes you so much,
it's so cute.

Gertie. Get real.

He's like a giant, okay?
So, imagine us together.

Hey!
I'd need stilts to kiss him.

Hey!
Hi.

What are you doing here?

I figured you needed
some, uh, moral support.

Why, should I go?
Because I can if this is weird...

No, don't be crazy, Christopher.

We're so happy you're here.

I'm going to go popcorn up,
see you inside.

(CHUCKLES)

Wow. Your mom
was gorgeous.

I'm sorry. That's a weird
thing to say, isn't it?

Kind of.
(CHUCKLES)

It's kind of cool we get to honor her
memory this way, right?

Um...

Today's the anniversary
of her death.

I, uh...

I don't know what to say.

Me neither.

At least,
I get to see her,

even if she is being chased
by a psycho with a machete.

(CHUCKLES)

- (HORN HONKING)
- GIRL: Stop, stop, stop.

Oh, great.

Hey! What a coincidence!

This is Tyson.
We've been hanging out

(CHUCKLING)
and he's so funny.

My abs are like shredded
from laughing so hard.

Anyway, Tyson wanted
to come here tonight

and I was like, "Oh, my God, no."
But here we are.

So, you win, Tyson.

So, you didn't see my post about it,
or anything?

No, I don't go on
your stupid Twitter,

which, by the way, has lost
three more followers today.

Anyway, see you
guys inside, okay?

(CHUCKLES) Go.

I'm so wiped from
all these applications.

Even my safety schools,
Stanford and Cornell,

I'm not gonna just
half-ass them, you know.

It's just not my style.

I am lucky that
I even made it out tonight at all.

Thank you, Adderall.

Where'd Terry go?

Terry? Tyson?
Tyson.

Oh, yeah, he just
got like super-sick super-fast.

Mmm.

Oh, no, not the
super-sick super-fast.

Max, are they doing this
because it's, you know, the anniversary?

Yeah, I'm here
for an appearance.

I didn't think you'd...

Come on, Max.
Of course, I would remember.

I have really good memory.
It's not just the Adderall.

Hey, do you want anything?

I'm gonna go get a popcorn

and then we can
dump M&M'S into it.

That way, every handful is,
like, kind of suspenseful?

Sure.

Hey, Chris, I'm just
gonna have a Diet Coke

and a child-size popcorn,

but make sure to dump
half of it into the garbage.

You remember, right?

You know what,
I'm just going to come with you.

She is the worst.

- (SCOFFS)
- She's like a living nightmare.

I can't believe
you used to be friends with her.

Look, she's probably
gonna pee on him

just to mark her territory.
Gertie!

Max!

Hey, hey, you came.
Oh, God.

- All hail, Max!
- (CHUCKLES)

Sorry, I don't know why
I worshipped you then,

I'm just excited to see you.

You're also really weird.
You're very strange and weird.

I can put you down
for the Q&A, right?

After the show, do a little Q.

No.

And a little A

I'll put you down as a maybe.
Okay, glad you're here.

Oh!

(CHANTING INCOHERENTLY)

All right. (GROANS)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine ♪

♪ You're so fine you blow my mind ♪

Hey, guys, we're here!

- Whoo!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

KURT: Someone wake up
Sleeping Beauty back there.

(SIGHS)

Are we there yet?

(CHUCKLES)

You okay?

Yeah.

NANCY: It all
happened so long ago.

Little Billy Murphy
went to camp here decades ago.

And he was always picked on
for being different, ugly.

And then one summer,
the hottest one on record,

the counselors decided
to play a little prank on him.

No one really knows
how Billy was

before it happened.

The counselors hated him,

and the other kids
bullied him mercilessly.

Stop! Go away!

BOY #1: Billy, open up.

BOY #2: I know how to get him out.

- (FIRECRACKERS BURSTING)
- (AUDIENCE GASPS)

(BILLY SCREAMING)

(SIGHS)

Soak this moment in, babe,

because you're always
gonna remember me.

What does that tattoo mean?

It was given to me in juvie.

I was caught stealing cherries.
I'm a... I'm a cherry thief.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Neat. (CHUCKLES)

Oh.

Nice legs.

What time they open?

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Kurt?

- Kurt?
- (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

I'm going to get some air.

(NANCY SCREAMING)

(AUDIENCE SHRIEKING)

(MAX GASPS)

(AUDIENCE CLAMORING)

(GRUNTS)

The exits are blocked!

Duncan, is there an exit
behind the screen?

Yes. Yes.

MAX: Come on!
Go, go, go.

(AUDIENCE SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

CHRIS: Go, go, go.

(BIRDS TWITTERING)

(COUGHING)

(COUGHING)

Max! Oh, God!
What happened?

Where the hell are we?
I don't know.

Did the theater burn down?

That was the scariest
thing I have ever seen.

You're alive!
Oh, thank God!

What does poison ivy look like?

Because I think I got...

Help me.

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

Guys, somebody's coming.

♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine ♪

♪ You're so fine you blow my mind ♪

♪ Hey, Mickey Hey, Mickey ♪

♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine ♪

♪ You're so fineyou blow my mind ♪

♪ Hey, Mickey Hey, Mickey ♪

Hey, do you guys know
the way to Camp Blue Finch?

- Tina!
- Yeah?

♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine ♪

♪ You're so fine you blow my mind ♪

♪ Hey, Mickey ♪

Oh, my God.

I'm having a psychotic episode.

We all saw
the same thing, right?

Maybe it's a dream.
A collective dream.

If this is a dream,
then there's a very strong chance

that my dad's going
to come up to us naked

and offer us some pecan pie.

But don't take any.
It is not pecan pie.

- (VOMITING)
- Oh.

Maybe we're dead
and this is heaven.

This can't be heaven.

Max is here and she's Jewish.

Oh, right.

Well, maybe it's Jewish heaven.

Look!

♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine ♪

♪ You're so fine you blow my mind ♪

♪ Hey, Mickey Hey, Mickey ♪

♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine ♪

♪ You're so fine you blow my mind ♪

♪ Hey, Mickey ♪

Hey, do you guys know
the way to Camp Blue Finch?

(SHUDDERS)
Uh, yeah.

Just keep going
the way you're going.

Oh, wow, okay.
Thanks so much.

We're not dead.
We're insane!

No, we're not.

And I don't think we're
in the Valley anymore.

(WATCH BEEPS)

Is anybody getting any bars?

ALL: No.

- Eight, seven...
- (MAX AND VICKI SIGHS)

...six, five...

(WATCH BEEPS)

♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine ♪

♪ You're so fine you blow my mind ♪

♪ Hey, Mickey Hey, Mickey ♪

Hey, do you guys know
the way to Camp Blue Finch?

Yeah, actually we're counselors,

and we can show you
if you'd just give us a ride.

Oh, rad! Yeah, hop in.

Tubular!

Dude, what are you doing?

Do we have a choice?
We're kind of stuck.

Let's go.

GERTIE: Max.

(SIGHS)

Come on, guys.

You guys coming?

♪ Hey, Mickey ♪

TINA: I can't believe
you guys are counselors, too.

We've never had
this many before.

When the kids
get here next week,

they're gonna be so pumped.

KURT: Hey, where are
you guys' suitcases?

Because, honestly, your clothes,

they're disgusting.

Says the guy in the crop top.

What's up?

Are you guys poor people?
Are you guys poor?

- Uh, we packed light. Yeah.
- Mmm-hmm.

What did you pack, Tina?

The basics, bikini, mouthwash, diaphragm.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Hell, yeah, you did.

'Cause they're
gonna get so naked.

How did you know?

Spring break, forever.

Hey, guys, we're here!

- Whoo!
- (CHUCKLES)

KURT: Someone wake up
Sleeping Beauty back there.

(NANCY SIGHING)

Mmm.

Are we there yet?

(NANCY YAWNS)

Oh, hi!

I'm Nancy.
What's your name?

(VOICE BREAKING) Max.

First time away from home?

It's okay.

It's hard to be away
from your parents, huh?

- Best summer ever!
- (CHEERING)

(CROW CAWING)

Oh! Yes.

Whew.

Well, kiddo, this is the summer

that's going to
change your life.

No kidding.

Hey, Nance,
that guitar is choice.

Thanks, Blake.
Bitching hair.

- Ah.
- (CHUCKLES)

Okay. So, we're
in the movie.

Uh-huh. How do we get outta here?
Yeah, I like that question.

That's a really,
really good question.

Duncan, can you answer
that question, please?

What are you talking about?

It's 1986!

Our homes don't exist yet.

They're probably just
landfills waiting to be

turned into crappy subdivisions.

We don't exist yet.

I know for a fact my
parents haven't met

because I was
an unplanned child.

Anyone wanna help me
pick some strawberries?

No, but I'll give you a hand
with those melons.

Talking about her boobs!
You guys get me, right?

(CHUCKLING) Yeah, we do, brother.

(CHUCKLING)

Kurt is insatiable.

Um, okay,
so Mimi's in the woods,

that means everything
is right on schedule.

She hooks up with that hiker.

But then she gets killed, right?

Yeah, exactly.
Everyone who has sex in this movie dies.

It's awesome.

(CHUCKLES)
I got into bodybuilding big time.

Yeah. Oh, my God,
can I touch it?

Yeah, touch it.
Oh, wow.

The backside's just as hard.

Touch the backside.

That's right. Everyone.

I'm with Gertie on this one.

Let's just take
their van and bail.

What do we have to lose?

Yeah, did I say that?
I did? Okay.

We actually probably
shouldn't talk to them.

Oh! What's up, funbags?

Funbags. Right.
Yay, feminism.

Listen, we need to borrow
your van for a little while.

Is that okay? Yeah?

I don't know. (EXHALES)
What's in it for me?

How about my friends
don't kick your ass?

(LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY)

(LAUGHING)

Oh! This guy's your friend?

- Yeah, right.
- You want to go?

- No, no. God, no.
- Bicep, smash.

And that would kill you.
That's a karate technique.

- No, I don't.
- I've never actually

fought anyone before in my life.

Yeah, well, I have.
So many times.

Seven times.

Hey, this is so weird.
Do me a favor and just zing me. Just get me.

Fine. How about
you go suck a turd?

(SNICKERING)

The writing is so bad.

Okay, tell you what.
You find the keys and the van's yours.

Oops.

Really?

(GROANS)

I'm glad that you die.

- What?
- DUNCAN: Nothing!

What she meant to say was,
that we all die eventually.

Technically, we start dying
the moment we're born.

Yeah, right.

- Yes, but not to overwhelm you...
- Okay

I liked you when you were
laughing at my jokes.

Now, I just think you're weird.

Okay, let's just go get the...

Sorry. Let's go
get the keys.

(DUNCAN CHUCKLING)

Oh, hey, you wanna
give me a hand?

Sure.

All right.
Let's rock and roll.

Oh, my God.
It really is you.

- What?
- Nothing.

KURT: Whoo!

All right!
Push-up time!

So, um...

Kurt told me he
wants to do it later.

Wow. Just like that?

I know! (CHUCKLES)

And it's like, I can't
stay a virgin forever, you know?

And he's been
with a lot of girls,

so he can probably, like,

I don't know, help me along.

You shouldn't have sex!

Why?

Because I heard
that sex can kill you.

Max. Sex isn't
anything to be afraid of.

I mean, Tina's already
done it twice today,

and look at her,
she's totally normal.

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

She says the best
feeling in the world

is getting stoned and
doing it on a waterbed.

Don't hang around Tina.

No, but I told myself
that I was going to

lose my virginity this summer.

Get drunk!
Not necessarily in that order.

Please, just trust me.

You sound like my mom.

Right back at you.

Hello, hi.

Uh, we have to go get everyone.
Let's go.

We will pick this up again.
Is that understood?

In the meantime,

just stay away from Kurt
and keep your shorts on.

Okay.

CHRIS: What are you doing?

Dibs on the one that looks like
Ricky Schroder.

Their hair's so flat.
It's making me sad.

That girl with the freckles
is sort of cute.

You know, none of them

are on the counselors' roster.

Where did they come from?

We are never gonna
find these keys.

Not with that attitude,
we're not.

Though,
you are correct.

(MIMI HUMMING)

Let's go back. Now.

Shh.
It's happening.

- CHRIS: We have to warn her.
- DUNCAN: No. No.

Just think of them as animals

on a nature preserve, okay?

Our duty is not to disrupt,
but to observe.

(GASPS) Oh!

Oh, gosh,
you startled me.

MAN: Sorry,
I'm looking for town.

So, I just go down
that path all the way?

- (MOUTHING)
- MIMI: A guy like you
can go anywhere he wants.

I can't believe we're just gonna

casually watch
someone get murdered.

What is this, Detroit?

(CHUCKLES) Mmm.

(DISTORTED ECHOING)

What is that noise?
It's Billy. He's coming.

Let's get out of here then.
No, no. Stay, stay.

(MOANING)

(GASPS)

Did you hear something?

Baby, I didn't hear a thing.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Give me a second.
Go over there. Get ready.

- (BONES CRACK)
- (BODY THUDS)

Okay! Where's the beef?

- (SCOFFS)
- (LEAVES RUSTLING)

Come on, man!
I said, where's the...

(SHRIEKS)

(GASPS)

(CHOKING)

(CRACK)

(ALL EXCLAIM)

(GASPS)

Run!

Go, go, go, go!

DUNCAN: Guys, guys,
wait, wait, wait.

Duncan!

What are you doing?

Duncan.

It's okay.
He won't hurt us.

He would've
killed me by now, okay?

I think it's because we're not
actually part of the movie,

he doesn't really
know what to do with us.

Isn't that right, Billy Boy?

Man, you are big and scary.

I wonder if all this blood
is just corn syrup, you know?

Like these characters
are walking around

with just corn syrup
in their veins, you know?

Let's give it a shot here.

(GROANS)

- Oh, God.
- No, that is, um... That is not corn syrup.

That is...
Oh, God, that's blood.

(SIGHS)

All the more reason for us
to get the hell outta here.

No, no. Look,
everything in this world

is running exactly on schedule.

Besides, to leave,

we probably have to wait
until the movie's over, or something.

Well, when is that
going to happen?

Okay, look, movies like this end

when the final girl
kills the main bad guy

and the credits roll.

It's actually
pretty sick in this one.

She kicks up the sword and
she kills him with his own machete

- and she's like...
- (MIMICS MACHETE STRIKING)

- And Billy's like...
- (VOCALIZES) It goes right through his hands.

Like... (VOCALIZES)

Head splits open. Pfft!
Punches it. (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Brain goes out...

- CHRIS: Duncan!
- Ugh.

Anyway, this smoking
hot girl called Paula,

she arrives in the next reel,
she's the final girl.

Oh, yeah, she is the only one
in this movie who doesn't die.

All we've got to do
is stick with her

and we're going to have
the best seats in the house.

Trust me, this last battle
will blow your minds.

- Okay, selfie time.
- GERTIE: Duncan!

(DUNCAN SHUDDERING)

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

(ALL SIGHING)

I think I almost
just pissed my pants.

You did piss your pants.

What? No, I didn't.

- (MACHETE SWISHING)
- (ALL GASP)

(GASPS)

(GROANS)

(ALL SCREAMING)

CHRIS: Let's get out of here!

Wait! Where are you going?

You're gonna miss
the slumber party.

You came back! Yay!

(ALL PANTING)

This way!

Wait! Where are you going?

You're gonna miss
the slumber party.

You came back! Yay!

What is happening?

Wait! Where are you going?

You're gonna miss
the slumber party.

You came back! Yay!

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

I don't think
Billy's the only problem.

It's the movie.

The movie won't let us leave.

♪ Michael, row your boat ashore ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Michael, row your boat ashore ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Sister, help to trim the sails ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Sister, help to trim the sails ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Jordan's river is deep and wide ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Got a home on the other side ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

Come on, everyone.
Sing along!

(SOFTLY) Duncan is dead.
We have to warn them.

Please. They're morons.

I wanna know where
they keep the hardware in this dump.

I want chainsaws and I want big-ass
knives, and I want them now.

What am I gonna
tell our parents?

I don't want to die here, guys.

- Me neither.
- There's got to be a way to get home.

- (HORN TOOTING)
- (TYRES SCREECHING)

Did I miss the Kumbaya circle?

Paula, you're just in time

to start setting up
for the slumber party.

Yeah, we took a vote
and you get to share my sleeping bag.

Thanks, Kurt.
But I'm saving myself

for someone who
doesn't have a needle dick.

Yeah right, it's like

a hammer dick, if anything.

It's a sledgehammer.

Uh, who are they?

NANCY: Oh, they're
the new counselors. They're super nice.

We don't have new counselors.

Well, now we do.

All right, guys,
let's split up into groups and get busy.

Whoo!

MAX: That's her.
That's Paula.

She's the final girl, right?

She's the one that kills Billy.

We just have to stay with her
till the end of the movie.

I'm sticking to that bitch
like white on rice.

Okay. Now, we just have
to keep Billy away from us.

MAX: It's just
like Duncan said.

The moment a top comes off,
Billy shows up.

- Vicki, stick with Paula and Tina.
- VICKI: Mmm-hmm.

Gertie, you take Blake.
Chris, take Kurt.

No, I want Chris
to stick with me.

No, we have to cover everyone.

I'll stick with my mom.

You know that's
not your mom, right?

CHRIS: Vicki!
Don't defend her.

This delusional shit
is gonna get us all killed.

(MUTTERS)

Ooh! Whoa!

Look at the pair on her!

I would just motorboat
those for hours.

Yeah, but look
at those articles,

I could read those
all night long.

What are you, a fag?

You don't like some
nice big hoots?

Hooting!

My dads are gay.
So, shut the hell up.

Yeah, right!
Gay guys can't have kids.

They're too busy going to discos

and having sex with each other.

It's actually
a pretty cool lifestyle.

(WHISTLING)

Oh!

- Hi.
- Hey.

I really like your pin.

Oh, thank you.

Where'd you get yours?

My friends gave them to me.

Where'd you get yours?

Um, I made it, actually,

at this, like, prison
pen-pal convention thing.

Oh, that's awesome!

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Hey, what's up
with this cassette?

There are no holes in it.

Give me that.

- What are these?
- No, no. Bad!

Not for you. Very bad!

(SIGHS)

It's too bad all the girls
are so busted, huh?

The only way you or I
are going to get any

is with angel eyes over there.

What? Are you nuts?

No, no, no. These girls
are slamming, my man.

And I am going
to do all of them.

(GRUNTS)

Yum! By the way,
what's with you and Max?

Are you guys...

Are you guys having sex?

Because if not,
I wouldn't mind

bench pressing her
with my dumbbell.

Oh! (GRUNTS)
Listen, brah,

you're not bench pressing
anyone with your dumbbell.

If I so much hear your dumbbell
took a Pilates class...

What?
...I'm gonna cut it off.

I swiped a whole
case of this stuff

from my uncle before coming.

I'm gonna need it
if I'm stuck here for the summer

instead of souping up
this bitching firebird I found in...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, great.
Where do they keep the chainsaws here?

What?

We might want to find out, right?
Where they keep them?

Because you never know

when you might need a chainsaw.

Why do we need a chainsaw
for a slumber party?

I know what's going to
go down at this camp,

and it's not pretty.

Uh, so, where's that
other guy you came with?

Uh...

- My brother.
- Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, he's, uh...

He's napping somewhere.

- (TWIG CRACKING)
- (GASPS)

Okay, let's go.
You want to go?

Yeah, let's.
You got all the wood you need.

(DISTORTED ECHOING)

Mom, no!

(SIGHS)

- Get dressed. Now.
- Oh, my God, Max!

What are you doing here?
Get out!

Nancy, if you go
through with this,

you're going to get hurt.

Kurt said he liked me, okay.
He said it.

Yeah, they always say it,
they just don't act like it.

God. You must think
I'm a total zero.

(SIGHS)

I just wanted to feel
grown-up, special.

- You are special.
- (SCOFFS)

I'm the shy girl with the
clipboard and the guitar.

Special to who?

Special to me.

Who are you, Max?

(DOOR OPENING)

Soak this moment in, babe,

because you're always
gonna remember me.

Oh, shit.

Ooh!

Two for the price of one.

You babes just couldn't wait,
could you?

We're leaving.
Too late.

Genie's already out of the bottle.
Make a wish.

Ew.
Ew.

(DISTORTED ECHOING)

Where's Max?

I don't know.
Do you hear that?

(DISTORTED ECHOING)

(BREATHING SHAKILY)

What'd I say, huh?
Leave her alone!

(GERTIE SCREAMING)

Lock the windows!
Shut the curtains! He can see us!

Who is he?

Max. You have to
tell them about Billy.

Oh, God. He's here.

Not Billy Murphy?
I mean, he's just a legend.

Oh! I love legends.

Loch Ness, Bigfoot,
Bon Jovi. All of them.

It all happened so long ago.

Little Billy Murphy went
to camp here decades ago.

And he was always
picked on for being...

Um, guys?

...different, ugly.

And then one summer...
This is bad.

...the hottest one on record,

the counselors decided
to play a little prank on him.

What's happening?

Oh.

This is...
What, are we home?

Oh, God, why am I colorblind?
Am I having a stroke?

I think we're in a flashback.

♪ Lollipop, lollipop ♪

♪ Oh, lolli, lolli, lolli ♪

♪ Lollipop, lollipop ♪

♪ Oh, lolli, lolli, lolli ♪

♪ Lollipop, lollipop ♪

♪ Oh, lolli, lolli, lolli ♪

♪ Lollipop ♪

NANCY: It started as
just another ordinary day.

But little did they know...
What the hell is that voice?

...something was about
to go horribly wrong.

No one really knows
how Billy was

before it happened.

The counselors hated him,
and the other kids bullied him mercilessly.

Stop!

Where'd you get
these clothes, huh?

Guys, that's Billy.
Come on, Billy.

Hey, what are you
little idiots doing?

Billy's in there,
and he's been in there forever.

NANCY: Billy locked
himself in the outhouse,

thinking he'd be safe,
but he was wrong.

Billy.
Billy, open up.

I know how to get him out.

- (FIRECRACKERS BURSTING)
- (BILLY SCREAMING)

NANCY: Billy had third-degree
burns all over his body

because of
the counselors' prank.

And the only thing that could
distract Billy from his terrible pain,

was thinking about
what had been done to him.

And during those long,
agonizing nights in the burn ward,

Billy's fear was slowly
replaced by something else.

(GASPS)
Hatred.

His face would
never be the same.

And so, he made a mask

to hide his scars
on the outside,

but his anger
grew on the inside.

All Billy wanted was
to make everyone as afraid

as he was
on that terrible day.

He started his reign of terror

by returning to
exact his revenge.

(GASPS)

He killed
eight counselors that night.

One for every month
he spent in that hospital bed.

And legend has it
Billy still lives

in these woods
in his own little shack,

waiting for new counselors
to cross his path,

waiting to get revenge
again and again.

(ALL BREATHING HEAVILY)

(KURT SCREAMING)

The car! The car!

Guys, you can't leave!
Literally!

(SHRIEKS)

(TINA GRUNTS)

Get up! Get up! Stop!
Don't come any closer.

Okay, just listen.
We can explain.

You can't leave.
None of us can.

Not until he's dead.

Until who's dead?

- Billy Murphy.
- What?

- (REVVING)
- (SCREAMING)

Drive! Drive!

Look, I'm just
trying to save you.

Why? Why are you
trying to save me?

Well, because you're my...

My first friend here.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Help me.
I'm not dead!

Duncan!
You're alive!

- (SCREAMING)
- (SHRIEKS)

(GASPS)

No, you killed Duncan!

Let's just go to a hotel
and just relax for the night

and maybe we can
get into something.

(ALL EXCLAIM)

Oh, my God, Kurt!
Oh, my God!

Paula! She's alive!

Paula, don't move!

(ALL EXCLAIM)

Shit!

- (EXPLOSION)
- (SHRIEKS)

I can't believe
they're all dead.

They were never alive.

They weren't real.
Neither are you.

Because this is just a movie,

and Paula was the only one
that could kill Billy.

We're screwed.

(CROW CAWING)

What does she mean, "just a movie"?

So, we're in a movie?

But this is a horror movie,

and Billy Murphy's
really after all of us.

Why do I have to wear
all this stuff again?

Because you're scripted

to do a striptease
at the slumber party,

and when you take your top off,
Billy comes running.

But why does he hate my boobs?

Because they're not big?

So, wait,
is new wave real?

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

But I'm not real.

You're only real in the movie.

So, yeah, you're real here.

Oh, cool.

Guys, we just wanna get home.

But, okay...

But you said Paula was the
only one who could kill him.

And she just died.

Exactly. Which is why
we need to nominate a new final girl.

And I'm willing to be it.

(CHRIS CLEARS THROAT)

(CLEARS THROAT)

- What?
- Well, you're not a virgin.

I am, too, a virgin!

I technically am that...

Whatever, what does it matter?

Because it just does, Vicki.

You have to be
a virgin in this movie

in order to kill Billy, okay?

And the only
true-blue virgin here is Max.

I'm not the only virgin.

(SOFTLY) Gertie,
you're a virgin.

- No. Not anymore.
- (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

Last summer,
with that guy Gerry.

He had the like weird mustache

and he, like, winked, remember?

Isn't he autistic?

Yeah. Yeah, he is.
But he's also very romantic.

Damn, superfreak.
I like!

Okay, let's make a plan.
Yeah.

CHRIS: We need to
get Billy's machete.

The one he's holding?

Yeah. Duncan said
that's the only way to kill him.

Everything else
just slows him down.

So, we're supposed to
just pry it from his hands?

Well, we don't really have
any other options. Okay?

Look, we just have to get
his machete into Max's hands

so she can chop his head off,
end the movie,

and we can all go home.

No. No way!
I can't do this.

See? She's even saying
that she can't do it.

Vicki! Enough! Jesus!
Can you just shut up for a second?

God! I can't believe
I put up with you for so long.

- Max, you got this.
- No.

Max. You can do this.

If it wasn't for you,
we'd all be dead

burning in the theater
right now.

Yeah, and look where I got us.

I can do it. I can
be the final girl.

I'm a virgin, too.

I didn't sleep with Kurt.

So, now I guess I'll
be able to save myself

for George Michael after all.

I wouldn't hold
your breath, honey.

Why?

It doesn't matter. Nancy,
you can't be the final girl.

It's not in your DNA,
or whatever.

You're the shy girl with the
clipboard and the guitar.

You get laid
and then you die.

You're just part
of the body count.

No offense.

(SOBBING)

That came out wrong.

Thanks a lot.
Max.

VICKI: I was just
trying to help.

(CRYING)

Nancy?

Am I really gonna die?

Yeah.

So, I guess I never grow up,

or fall in love or have kids.

I had this dream that
when I graduated college,

I would meet a guy.

And we'd have
a baby. A girl.

And if she ever needed me,
I would do anything for her.

Anything.

I would've made
a really great mom.

The best.

(CHUCKLES)

God, this totally sucks!

It's so bogus!

I should have known
something was up with this place.

I mean, think about it.

What the hell kind of
summer camp has waterbeds?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

What do we do now?

We fight.

All right, guys.
No more junior varsity bullshit.

We gotta lead with
a pro-style offense.

Something Billy
won't see coming.

We have to use everything
we have at our disposal.

I was thinking the best
opportunity for an ambush

would be the slumber party,
with a few tweaks.

That means it's
just a question of

luring him here at
just the right time.

How are we going to do that?

I think I have an idea.

GERTIE: "Operation Booby Trap?"

CHRIS: Yup. And Tina's
going to be the bait.

(CRACKING)

(VICKI SNIFFLES)

Vicki, are you crying?

I'm fine.

Gertie, I'm sorry for
that time in junior high

when I told everyone to start
calling you "Ba-chunk-adunk."

And then I covered
your locker in bacon.

That was so crappy.

And I'm so sorry.

I'm such a bad person.

You're not. It's okay.

If it makes you feel better,

last summer, I'm the one
who spread the rumor

that said you had
a weird disease

where you're
always on your period.

Wow. That's evil.

Thank you.

Hey, Max, if I'm
going to die tonight,

then I don't want to die
without telling you

that when your mom died,
you shut down completely.

And just cut me
out of your life.

And I missed you.
I missed our friendship.

And then you two
became best friends

and, I don't know,
I got jealous.

And so, I did
some really bad things

and I'm not proud of them.

Vicki.
No, no, no, just let me finish, okay.

I know that I've become a...

A bitch?

Yes, thank you.

But the thing is, Max,
I've always looked up to you

because you were
always the brave one.

So, be brave again.

Vicki, you don't have to die.

I'm the mean girl in
the '80s horror movie.

And we're past the mid-point,
so, you know,

I'd say that I've
overstayed my welcome.

(SIGHS)

(VICKI SOBBING)

(GASPS) Ooh!

Oh, no, no, no!
Uh-uh. No. No, Tina.

Tina, hey. Yeah. No.

You know not to take off
any of your clothes until we say so, right?

Yeah? No sex.

(SCOFFS) How could anyone
think about sex

when I have this rad gadget?

What is this thing, anyway?

It's a phone.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah. Please,
I'm not that gullible.

Um, hello, operator? Yes,
I'm trying to make a call

but I can't

because my phone's
not plugged into anything.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my God, kill me.

Guys, it's almost time.
Let's get ready.

VICKI: Okay.

How you holding up?

Been better.
How about you?

I'm really scared.

Uh...

Uh, are the arrows ready?

Yeah, I'm on it.

(GASPS)

"Adderall."

(CHUCKLES)

God, your parents must be
freaking out right now.

You've been gone for hours.

They must be
so worried about you.

Not really.

I never knew my dad.
And my mom's away.

What's she like?

She, uh... She was so
beautiful and funny.

She never knew
how awesome she was.

How'd she die?

I never said she died.
You said "was."

So, I just figured.

It's okay. You don't
have to tell me.

Here, I want you to have this.

It's a friendship bracelet.
So, you don't forget me.

How could I ever forget you?

You know,
if this all works out,

I'm really gonna miss you.

When you go home, I mean.

Oh, God, I sound totally molded.

I know we just met,
it's silly for me to say that.

It's just...
I guess it's like,

who am I going to
talk to after you leave?

You know? Tina?

(SOFTLY) She's not very smart.

Maybe you don't have to.
I don't?

I mean, I carpool
with her to camp,

it's kind of inevitable.

No, I mean, maybe you
don't have to stay here.

Look, I know in the movie,
you're supposed to die,

but that doesn't mean
you have to, right?

Right.

And if you don't die,

then that means
you'll be around at the end of the movie,

when we leave.

Right.

So, then who's to say
you can't just come home with me?

Oh, my God.

- Where's home?
- The Valley.

The Valley.

(SIGHS)

I don't know, Max, I don't know.

You're just... You're kind of
blowing my mind right now.

No, think about it!

If you come home with me,

you can be whoever you want.

You don't have to be
the shy girl

with the clipboard
and the guitar.

You could be...
I could, like, go to college.

And drive a convertible.
Right. Totally!

An go shopping at the mall.

Actually, people
don't really shop

at malls anymore.
They shop online.

What's online?

Never mind, I made that up.
Just keep going!

Okay! I wanna shop online
and I wanna start over.

You know, I could be
different in the Valley.

What if I don't make it, Max?

This time, you will.

VICKI: Hey, guys.

Hi. So sorry to interrupt,

but, um, we have
a bit of a situation.

(MUMBLING)

Tina, are you...
I'm great! I'm amazing!

She ate your Adderall?

Tina, hey. Eyes here.

Hmm.

Yes.

How many of my, um,
Tic Tacs did you have?

They're not Tic Tacs!
And I had, um, three.

No, 10 or 30!

It was 30!
Maybe we need to re-strategize.

No, no, no.
I got this. I got this.

Tina.

Are you sure you can...

Look, man, I got
this, all right?

I got this!
I so got this.

VICKI: She'll be fine.

I really think
she's more focused now.

- Right, Tina?
- Yes!

(FLY BUZZING)

Guys. Let's start.

(MAX SIGHS)

All right, guys.
This is it. Sound off. Ready.

Ready! Ready! Ready!

CHRIS: Totem pole?

BOTH: Ready!

- CHRIS: Stereo?
- Ready.

- CHRIS: Arrows?
- BOTH: Ready!

All right then, Nancy,
unleash the beast.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Wow! ♪

(SINGER LAUGHS)

♪ Well, swinging on the front porch,
swinging on the lawn ♪

♪ Swinging where we want
'cause there ain't nobody home ♪

♪ Swingin' to the left
and swingin' to the right ♪

♪ if I think about baseball
I'll swing all night ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Huh! ♪

♪ Swingin in the living room,
swingin' in the kitchen ♪

♪ Most folks don't 'cause
they're too busy bitchin' ♪

♪ Swingin' in there 'cause
she wanted me to feed her ♪

♪ So I mixed up the batter
a' And she licked the beater ♪

♪ I scream, you scream,
we all scream for her ♪

♪ Don't even try 'cause
you can't ignore her ♪

♪ She's my cherry pie ♪

♪ Cool drink of water
Such a sweet surprise ♪

♪ Tastes so good
make a grown man cry ♪

- ♪ Sweet cherry pie ♪
- (ULULATING)

♪ She's my cherry pie ♪

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, he's coming. He's coming!

He's coming!
Not yet. Wait to move!

No, no! He's so close!

(SCREAMING)

NANCY: Tina!

Cut the rope!

(SQUISHING)

- Gertie.
- Yeah?

I love you.

Oh, screw it.

- (GRUNTS)
- (GERTIE SCREAMING)

Everybody in the kitchen!
Now! Now! Go now!

It's okay.
It's gonna be fine.

(GERTIE GASPS)

Gertie, come on.
Hurry up!

MAX: Go!

CHRIS: Go, go, go! Go!

Come on, Nancy. Come on.

(GASPS)

(BUCKET RATTLES)

Shit!

It's stuck!

We're stuck!
We're stuck!

- (GROANS)
- No!

Max, it's okay.

Just go.

CHRIS: Go.

(WHIMPERING)

(GRUNTS)

(IN SLOW MOTION)
What's happening?

It's slow motion.

- (IN SLOW MOTION)
- MAX: Jump!

(ALL GASPING)

- Flashback! Flashback! Flashback!
- NANCY: What?

Just say the words!
What words?

Billy Murphy was a kid
who went to camp here years ago.

Tell me the
story again! Hurry!

He was always picked on
for being different, ugly.

CHRIS: Keep going.
Don't stop!

And then one summer,
the hottest one on record,

the kids decided to play
a little prank on him.

(ALL SIGHING)

Where the hell are we?

A flashback!
A flashback!

Does that mean we're safe?

(GASPS IN TERROR)

♪ Lollipop, lollipop
Oh, lolli, lolli, lolli ♪

♪ Lollipop, lollipop
Oh, lolli, lolli, lolli ♪

Holy crap, this thing is heavy.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

NANCY: Guys, where's Billy?

NANCY: Billy locked
himself in the outhouse,

thinking he'd be safe,
but he was wrong.

Oh, my God, that's me!

Ugh.

That's what I sound like?

- (FIRECRACKERS BURSTING)
- (BILLY SCREAMING)

- Look at him run!
- MAX: Wait.

Where's Billy going?

Wait.

I don't know that part of camp.

I've never seen
that cabin before.

- (GASPS)
- (NANCY SHRIEKS)

Shit! End the flashback! End it!

Just skip to the end!

Legend has it Billy
still lives in these woods

waiting for new counselors
to cross his path,

waiting to get
revenge again and again.

Did we leave him there?

I wouldn't count on it
Let's move.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God!
Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

NANCY: (SCREAMING) Max!

(SOBBING) Max!
No!

Let me go! Let me go!

She's gone, Max.
No! She's alive! She's...

Max, she's gone.

No. She's not.

(THUNDER CRACKING)

(CHRIS GROANING)

MAX: Come on.

(GRUNTS)

Keep pressure on it.
Don't move, I'll be back.

Max, she's dead.

She's supposed to die,
just like the rest of them.

No, she's lived
this far into the movie,

longer than she ever has before.

She's not real.

None of this is real.

Yes, she is!

Max, wait.

I don't wanna die alone.

Listen to me.
You're not gonna die.

Nobody else is dying tonight.

(SHUDDERING)

I know exactly where
he's taken her.

(DOOR CREAKING)

(THUNDER CRACKING)

(DOOR CREAKING)

(THUNDER CRACKING)

Hey, Nancy.

Max? Max!

(NANCY GASPS)

He was right there.

(GASPS)

(GRUNTING)

(NANCY GRUNTING)

(CHOKING)

No!

(GRUNTING)

Get up!

Come on, let's get out of here.

Come on, come on.

MAX: Chris.

NANCY: Max, over here.

Sit down.

Am I dying?

No. I know how to fix it.

You're not the
final girl yet, Max.

Because of me.
I'm still alive.

- No.
- Yes.

No! I'm already dying,
so you could survive!

You can be the final girl.

No, Max. No.

That's not who
I'm supposed to be, remember?

I'm just the shy girl
with the clipboard and the guitar.

Yeah, but you wanted
to change that.

Honey, let me do this.

No.

Max, I'm not afraid.

I wanted to save you.

Oh, Max, you did.

You did, Max.

Just by letting me
be here with you.

I've never felt more real
or more alive ever before.

No.

No, Mom, you belong
at home, with me.

Look, your name is Amanda Cartwright,
and you live in Encino,

and you love
Bette Davis Eyes and Mel's Diner.

And you wanted to be
the biggest movie star,

more than anything in the world.

(VOICE BREAKING)
And you had a daughter.

You have a daughter.

(SOBBING)

I'm not going back without you.

I don't wanna lose you again.

Max.

I'm not lost.
I'm right here, all right?

You'll always know
where to find me, okay?

But you have to let me go.

You have to let me go.

(SOBBING)

(SNIFFLES)

Bye, Max.

I love you.

That's what
I never got to tell her.

Don't worry.

Wherever she is, she knows.

You were right about
one thing, you know?

What?

I'm a movie star.

(CHUCKLES)

♪ Her hair is Harlowe gold ♪

♪ Her lips sweet surprise ♪

♪ Her hands are never cold ♪

♪ She's got Bette Davis eyes ♪

♪ She'll turn her music on you ♪

♪ You won't have to think twice ♪

♪ She's pure as New York snow ♪

♪ She got Bette Davis eyes ♪

♪ And she'll tease you ♪

♪ She'll unease you ♪

♪ All the better just to please you ♪

♪ She's precocious and she knows just ♪

♪ What it takes to make a pro blush ♪

♪ She got Greta Garbo stand off sighs ♪

♪ She's got Bette Davis eyes ♪

(THUNDER CRACKING)

♪ She'll let you take her home ♪

♪ It whets her appetite ♪

♪ She'll lay you on her throne ♪

♪ She got Bette Davis eyes ♪

♪ She'll take a tumble on you ♪

♪ Roll you like you were dice ♪

♪ Until you come out blue ♪

♪ She's got Bette Davis eyes ♪

(THUNDER CRACKING)

You just fucked
with the wrong virgin.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(MACHETE THUDS)

(BIRD CHIRPING)

(CREAKING)

(EXHALES)

It's over.

What is happening?

I don't know.

(WHIRRING)

Hold on tight!

(GRUNTS)

- (WHIRRING INTENSIFIES)
- (GRUNTS)

(WHIRRING STOPS)

(MAX MOANS)

GIRL: This food is so disgusting.

BOY: Speak for yourself, girl.

This tapioca pudding
is incredible!

GIRL: You've had like 15 of
those in the last 30 minutes.

I counted them, 15!

BOY: Little known fact,
I can't stand tapioca pudding.

GIRL: Then why
did you eat 30 of them?

BOY: Let me eat my
feelings in peace.

(GASPS) Max!
Hey!

You're awake!

(SIGHS)

When you get a second,
(SOFTLY) try the pudding.

Wait, where are we?

We're home.

But was it a dream or...

No, not at all!

- Remember?
- Ugh.

That is a machete wound,

poorly stitched
by an incompetent doctor.

I'm actually more
concerned about tetanus

because the machete
had a bit of rust on it,

and I did not see
the doctor give me a shot.

Duncan, I love you
and I'm so happy you survived,

- but do you hear yourself when you say things?
- DUNCAN: God.

Do you hear the words
in your head first?

DUNCAN: And she's back.

(FAINTLY) I feel like
the jock at high school

just gave me his promise ring.

(DISTORTED ECHOING)

Doctor, stop.
Oh, come on.

DOCTOR: My shift's
almost over.

NURSE: I have to do my rounds.

And what beautiful
rounds they are.

Oh, my God.
Of course.

Of course, what?

The sequel!

This is so great!

The sequel is
so much cooler than the original.

(GRUNTS)

Mark.

(SIGHS)

Let me just wipe my sweat off
with this tampon.

- (MAN LAUGHING)
- MAN #2: Blooper!

How about you go suck a turd?

That's perfect,
so perfectly bad.

Like that's Bad. Michael Jackson Bad?
That guy's talented.

- King of Pop.
- Yeah.

Wasn't expecting that.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(BUCKET RATTLES)

- No!
- Shit.

- (WOMAN LAUGHING)
- It's broken!

Oh, God, you killed Duncan.
You smell great, by the way.

Oh, you killed him!

I promise I won't tell the cops

if we just go have sex!

Right now! Now!

- (SCREAMING)
- (SHRIEKS)

I'm not even scared.

Oh, God, Jesus.

- Oh. (BLEEP)
- Chris.

One more time!

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

I've only had sex one time

and it was with
my cousin Heather!

Honestly, that
wasn't your fault,

and I won't
tell the cops if we have sex.

Let's (BLEEP)

(MAN LAUGHING)

Look, Chris, you and I
don't know each other well.

So, lose the familiarity.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

What a rude little
girl you're being.

She's not like this at home.
She's just showing off.

You guys have to learn
how to not break.

DUNCAN: I'm scared.

Oh, I get it, because
you've only had sex with one person

and I'm freaking
double-digits slayer over here.

You probably don't
even know this move.

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

(MAN CHUCKLES)

I feel like I'm
walking out like Kramer.

Jerry.

(MAN LAUGHING)

Well, all my bones are broken
except for the one.

(STUTTERS) I'm actually
talking about this arm.

My penis is severely injured.

It's like split in
three different parts.

(MAN LAUGHING)

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

Okay, okay,
people are dying.

- (SCREAMING) Oh, my God!
- (SCREAMING)

(MAN LAUGHING)

It's not "Ew."

(SEDUCTIVE LY)
It's not "Ew."

Too sexy?
Was it too sexy?

MAN: Impossible.

Ever since I was a little boy,

I've dreamed of being
the final girl. (LAUGHING)

(MAN LAUGHING)

I want you to come study.

(BLEEP)

One more time.

Well, Vicki, you're a virgin.
No, you're not, you're a slut.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

GERTIE: He had, like,
the weird mustache.

(CHUCKLING)
Yeah, right!

A phone that I can
put in my mouth?

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

- Oh!
- (CHANTING INCOHERENTLY)

From the movie.

Oh, Jesus!

(BLEEP)

Ow! (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

All right, see you in there.

- (GROANING)
- (MAN LAUGHING)

(SCREAMING)

That's a cut!