All language subtitles for Silicon.Valley.S06E05.Tethics.WEB.h264-CONVOY.en

Why isn't this book about tech?

I didn't write about tech
because tech destroys worlds.

And I, I wanted to create...

May I have a token for
the restroom, please?

So, you guys are planning to build

your own external antennas to
deploy for the Hawaii test?

Why not just give away
Hooli phones for the test?

I don't wanna use Hooli shit
any more than you guys,

but this will get us to Hawaii.

MSNBC wanted to interview you about being

an "anti-tech evangelist."

What did Publishers
Weekly say about my book?

Publishers Weekly is a...

terrible magazine, sir.

Call Maddow.

It's from Gwart.

"I'm dissolving my company
and taking a job elsewhere."

I'm free to return to work with Richard.

Your position's been filled.

No, it hasn't.

Fuck yeah, right?

You see the chick in the racism car?

I banged her in the famine truck.

I-I'm sorry. What is this?

It's the trailer for my festival, RussFest.

Three days of partying, sucking,
and fucking on a plot of land

so far out even Nevada barely wants it.

I'll be serving Tres Commas exclusively.

It's gonna be like Burning Man,

except I'll make a fuckton of money.

So, Earning Man?

I literally love you, you spooky fuck.
So, we in?

- In what?
- RussFest.

There's no internet in the
middle of the desert, Richard.

Maybe that's why no one lives out there.

I don't know, I'm not an archaeologist.

All I know is they're
telling me it's gonna cost

a fucking fortune to get the
infrastructure out there.

Unless you guys do it for free.

- Why would we do it for free?
- Because it's cool.

- It's good for your brand.
- Well, Russ,

we appreciate the interest...

I like where this is going.

- But...
- Fuck!

Uh, right now, we are trying to launch

a huge pilot program in Hawaii.

Dinesh is actually heading out there

first thing tomorrow morning,
and I am about to sit down

with the network operations
president of AT&T,

trying to close this massive deal,

but that all depends on
getting Hawaii right.

There's just no way we could do both.

And you would rather do
Hawaii than RussFest?

I would rather

do my own mother than RussFest.

How come whenever you
guys wanna do some shit,

I'm always like, "fuck yeah!"

But whenever I wanna do some cool shit,

you guys piss all over it! You know what?
Gimme this.

Have fun shoving pineapples
up each other's dick holes!

And pussy holes.

You creepy fuck.

What have I been telling you, Lawrence?

Impressive. Very impressive.

- Looking forward to talking a lot more.
- Yeah.

Yeah, definitely.

- Richard!
- Whoo!

- Sorry. Um, how did it go?
- Cool.

Well, I wanna keep it on
the down-low, but, uh...

Fuck.

Is that joy?

It could not have gone better.

When they found out how
much money they could save

by using us to help
simplify their 5G rollout,

they practically shit themselves.

This could be bigger than we thought.

Monica, we could be on 100 million phones.

- Holy shit.
- Yeah.

- Okay. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
- Yeah.

- You know, focus on Hawaii, make
sure we land the plane. - Yeah.

It's weird. I actually
don't know what to do

when things are going well.
It is not natural.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Ha, ha, ha!

What's the newest killer app

coming out of Silicon Valley?

Would you believe ethics?

It's all thanks to our first guest,

a former big-tech CEO

turned responsible tech evangelist...

You know what? Not even this turd

is gonna bring me down right now.

- caution and accountability.
- Thanks for being here.

Well, I always find time for you, Gabby.

Please. No one is buying
your bullshit, Gavin.

My message invigorates me.

For too long, these large tech companies

have harvested our data, they
have violated our privacy,

they have tracked our every move.

They is you, you hypocrite. You did that.
He did that!

Starting today, I will be asking

prominent members of the tech community

to sign their name onto this.

A code of conduct, authored by me,

that pledges them to a universal ethos,

which I created, that I
call, "tech ethics,"

or, "tethics" for short.

- Oof.
- Tethics. Clever.

No. No, it isn't.

Fuck that guy. Honestly, fuck that guy.

Richard, I have your tea.

No one in town is ever gonna sign

this hypocrite's

- hypocritical garbage.
- Well, I'm sold.

Can I sign? Well, you
have to lead a corporation.

Okay. And how about you at home?

Are you tethical? Tweet us @GoodDayTheBay

and let us know where you stand.

Sure, yes, I will. Get
ready for some opinions.

Holden?

Why is the television on the news?

Jared, I don't need you
telling me my job, okay?

Holden, um,

I know things have been a bit
antagonistic between us.

We've been like, uh, Tonya
Harding and Nancy Kerrigan.

But, I've been thinking about
it, and you work for Richard,

and I want what's best for him

'cause I want him to be
happy, so from now on...

you're my friend.

You're my best friend.

Even if you make the occasional oopsie.

Are you fucking with me?

Why would I do that to my best friend?

- Love you like a brother.
- Uh...

Absolutely not.

We haven't told you what we want yet.

- Irrelevant.
- Sit down.

- Thank you.
- I'd like to talk to you

about your Piper-Pulse numbers.

I'd like that, Tracy,

because I have no idea
what the fuck that is.

Of course you do. It's the
system that Tracy created

for employees to give feedback
on senior management.

The point is, I happen to know

a lot of folks over at AT&T,

and I think it might help us

if I back-channel some of the
information I've gathered.

But before I do, I'd like to
tell you how you're doing.

I know how I'm doing.

I'm fucking killing it.

I'm building great shit out there.

Yes. Your acumen scores are excellent.

On a scale of one to 10, you're at a 9.9.

So, all 10's and...

- Dinesh.
- But, it's your

interpersonal rating I'd
like to drill down on.

It's at 1.5.

Your coworkers find you unapproachable,

rude,

and capable of great hurt

with an unsettling stare.

Okay.

We want AT&T to see a thriving company.

If you really make a concerted effort

at outreach and team building,

you could get your numbers up. Tracy.

I appreciate you wanting to participate

in the world of numbers.

I find it endearing.

But yours are horseshit.

They measure nothing. If I wanted to,

I could have all 10's
by the end of the week.

Gilfoyle, metrics like Piper-Pulse

are a widely accepted measure

of how your peers feel about you.

Speaking of, Monica, your
interpersonal is at a 2.

- What?
- Huh.

No, that's just because
Priyanka and her little...

witch's nest over at Foxhole
are bringing my numbers down.

No. Most of your lower scores

are coming from engineers,
who are 84% male.

Maybe you should try some of that outreach.

Whatever I do, I'm sure I
could do it better than you.

Two days.

All 10's.

Deal.

Aloha. Aloha to you.

Aloha. Alo...

- Oh, hey, Dinesh.
- What the fuck.

I like your beard.

Um, why are you here? Where's AJ?

Oh, AJ can't come. You wanted him

to become a certified scuba
before the trip, right?

Yeah, so we could...

fucking scuba, Gabe.

Well, he finished all his
check dives last night,

but you have to wait 24
hours before you fly,

so we decided to trade places.

- For the day?
- Uh, no.

F-for-for all of it.

- Why?
- Because it...

- it-it'd be easier?
- No.

And what are you doing in first class?

So, the pilot is from Pakistan.

I said, "Hey, I know a guy from Pakistan.
I work with him."

And then he said, "Hey, why don't you

come to the front and
sit in the big chairs."

B-but that's me. I'm the guy from Pakistan.

I told him that, and then
he... and then he put me here.

Okay, but I, the guy from Pakistan...

- Right.
- am back in economy.

Sir? You're gonna need to take your seat.

And Captain Bashir wanted you to have

these samosas his mother made.

Oh. No, thank you.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Hey, Danny? Excuse me?

- What are you wearing?
- A shirt.

- Oh my God. - I think a lot of
what Gavin is saying makes sense.

Yeah, of course it does. I've
been saying it for years.

- So, you agree with him?
- Well, no. He is full of shit.

But, you aren't, even though
you're saying the same things?

Yeah, because I mean it!
And I said it first!

That feels petty and personal,

which is against Gavin's code of tethics.

- What does that even mean?
- Hey, Richard,

- are you signing Gavin's pledge?
- Ah, what?

Because I'm getting a lot
of heat from my friends

over at Facebook for working
at an untethical company.

Okay, cool. So, Facebook
is calling us untethical.

Yeah, because they signed the pledge.

So did Google and Amazon and Twitter.

- Don't care.
- Speaking of,

even if you don't sign,

could you at least stop tweeting about it?

"Anyone who signs this Tethics
thing is a thumbass"?

- That doesn't even make sense.
- Yes, it does.

It's dumbass but with thumb.

Thumbass. It's basically perfect.

Tethics is tech ethics.
What's the thumb part?

And why are you tweeting that
from your personal account?

The Verge referred to you
as "notable tethics holdout

and amateur insult comedian
Richard Hendricks."

Andy Borowitz wrote a
pointed piece about you

- called "Doubting Richard." - Ah, see?
That doesn't really make any sense.

I mean, what's the pun? What am I
supposed to be enjoying there?

- Now, you're harshing on Borowitz?
- Well yeah,

if he's coming up with those zingers.

If you like Andy Borowitz so
much, why don't you marry him?

Says the guy who's three months
behind in child support.

A dog is not a child!

- Uh...
- Michael Eisenberg

from AT&T is on the phone.

- He says it's urgent.
- Ah, great.

Hey, Michael, what's up?

- Did you just publicly insult my boss?
- What? No.

"Anyone who signs this Tethics
thing is a thumbass."

Well, my boss just signed
Gavin Belson's pledge.

- He did? Why?
- Because

loudmouths like you got
up in front of Congress

and whined about how somebody needed
to do something about big tech.

Okay, I did that one time...

And now, Gavin has managed

to paint himself as that guy.

And we all have to fall in
line, or we'll be in PR hell.

Or worse! We'll face government regulation.

Look, have you read his pledge?

No, of course not. It's trash.

The first line says, "We, the undersigned,

promise to make best efforts
to," blah, blah, blah.

Best efforts, Richard.
It's totally toothless.

Yes. Exactly, Michael.
That's entirely my point.

It's all empty bullshit. It means nothing.

Then who the fuck cares, Richard?

Do not fuck this all up over
a pointless moral stand!

Okay. Sign the fucking pledge!

Oh, and stop tweeting about
thumbs up people's asses.

Oh. No, th-that's wordplay.

Michael?

That is one lucky mug, Holden, my friend.

- Please stop.
- Stop what?

- You're just trying to creep me
out so that I'll quit. - What?

I mean, why wouldn't
somebody be nice to you?

Are you a piece of shit?

- Oh hey, Dinesh.
- Okay, listen, Gabe.

I spent the entire flight streamlining

our setup procedure, so I am gonna take

the rental convertible and
drive tower to tower,

most of which are on pristine
beaches or scenic volcanoes

to check coverage while you sit
at the office by yourself.

- Welcome...
- Oh! No! No! I get it.

- Put it on me. I-I don't want the plastic
one. - Are you one of the first cla...

Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it...

Aloha.

Richard. To what do I owe the pleasure?

Just calling to, you know.

To what, Richard?

Sign your thing. My thing?
To sign my thing?

I sense a certain lack
of commitment, Richard.

I mean, if I suspected the only reason

you wanted to lend your name to my cause

was because of the enormous
pressure you're probably facing

as a notable holdout, well,

how could I allow you

to add your name to my tethics pledge?

That would be... untethical.

Gavin, come on. Just... can
we get this over with?

Then again, the idea of you

publicly committing to the cause,

that gives me joy.

So yes, Richard, I'd be happy
to be your moral mentor.

I guess I'll see you at the ceremony.

- What ceremony?
- The groundbreaking

- for the Institute.
- What fucking institute?

The Belson Institute of Tethics.
It's all on our website.

You and the others will all be there

to publicly commit to the pledge.

Also, I'm gonna be asking
you to say a few words.

Just a bit about how much of a fan you are,

dedicated to the cause, my
cause, maybe lead with a joke.

Be good to have you there, Richard.

Securing my legacy with you at my wing.

Wear pants you can kneel in.

Hey, Nathan!

I was, uh, perusing your
file, and I just...

Hey.

- What?
- Sorry. I just, um,

I was quickly perusing your file...

That's not what peruse means.

Peruse means to read
thoroughly and carefully.

Wow. That... that's... super helpful.

Thank you for that tip.

Um, anyway, yeah,

I was just curious to know,
like, what's it like...

growing up in Rhode Island?

Well, maybe some time when
you're working on something,

I can come interrupt your flow

and use words incorrectly
to tell you about it.

Got it.

Oh, you own a Prius?

Popular choice. Later, Daniel.

What?

Well, you win.

That is the worst case
of contact dermatitis

I have ever seen.

- The itching is so insane!
- Right.

- It's like from the inside!
- Warren!

Come here, I want you to see something.
This is Warren,

our resident. This is his first week.

Warren, I want you to notice

the violent allergic reaction

to the plumeria flowers
used in the patient's lei,

which is weird.

Normally, they just hand out plastic ones.

Just make it stop!

Well, the good news is a strong

anti-histamine shot oughta
take care of it in no time.

Oh! Great! Yeah! The shot!
Just-just gimme the shot!

Now, before we proceed, I
should warn you the shot,

it works like gangbusters,

but it does tend to cause

acute sensitivity to sunlight,

so you're gonna wanna stay indoors

- for four to six weeks.
- What?!

Warren, no!

We wait until after I've explained

all the possible complications,

and only then,

do we administer the injection.

- Did you say four to six weeks?
- Yep.

Otherwise, you're gonna be back
here for something a lot worse.

All right, well...

that was a teachable moment, huh?

- Yeah. Sure.
- Yeah.

I got next. And, uh, better watch out

'cause I am the queen of Asteroids.

- Are you trying to cut in line?
- You don't need a quarter.

It's on free play, duh.

We get it. You make more money than us.

Okay, you know what?

- Gilfoyle, you're awesome.
- Carl.

You're doin' it.

What the fuck?

My man.

"Integrity. We do the right thing.

- We are committed to the highest
ethical standards." - It's all such

banal, self-righteous, hacky bullshit.

- And I have to endorse it?
- Yeah.

It is particularly pedestrian
pablum, even for Gavin.

"Responsibility. We contribute

to the growth, joy, and enrichment

of all the lives we touch.

- Courage..."
- Wait, uh,

- what was that last one?
- Responsibility?

Uh, "We contribute to the growth,

joy, and enrichment of
all the lives we touch."

Holden!

Can you bring the menu
book in here, please?

Hi, guy!

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

Yes. You are a good boy.

Are you hungry?

I am. Holden.

Holden.

Holden.

Holden...

Ah, good. Applebee's. We were...

ordering from here the other night,

and we were all joking about
this, uh... Yes, look.

Uh, so, their mission statement

is right near their nachos,
and we were saying

that this is not-cho mission statement.

Wait, I'm sorry.

Was that a joke?

That. It's... it's a pun.

- Right.
- It's just like thumbass, you know.

It's in the same genre.

- Like what?
- Thumbass? I've been saying it a lot.

Read it, read it.

"At Applebee's, our
mission is to contribute

to the growth, joy...

and enrichment of all the
lives we touch." Wait...

That's word for word
what's in Gavin's pledge.

Yes, it is.

- You don't think...
- That's exactly what I think.

Read me another one of
Gavin's frilly sentences.

"Maintaining our uncompromising
principles while we grow."

That's Starbucks.

Okay, again.

"Enhance the quality of life for all ages."

- That's the AARP.
- Yes!

My best friend Gloria was a
charter member for 35 years

- before she passed.
- The question is...

if Gavin stole his entire code of conduct

for this stupid fucking foundation,

what else has he been stealing?

All right, I give up.

Even this stupid hair didn't work.

How are you getting these
people to like you?

I'm not getting anyone to like me.

Bullshit. I've seen you out there.

It's like you have a non-evil twin.
It's very weird.

Monica...

gaining someone's confidence is easy.

Appear open and interested

by mimicking their body language

and repeating what they say back to them.

So, you just repeat what they say?

I just repeat what they say.

I was social engineering them.

Once trust is established,

the social engineer simply
offers up information,

and the subject Pets names,

kids names, birthdays.

Then, that information is entered

into a word list generator.

Pop it with their hash
into John The Ripper,

and within minutes,

you have their passwords.

So, you're just gonna change
all your scores to 10's?

Yep.

Can you do mine, too?

I don't actually want them to like me.

I hate them. I really fucking hate them.

I just don't like having 2's.

You know,

I could raise both of our scores

and continue this charade. Or...

I could lower someone else's,

and put an end to these
shenanigans once and for all.

I like it.

Thank you.

It's quite an event, eh?

See down there? It's Facebook, Google,

even fucking Bezos sent someone.

All here to support the cause. My cause.

- You know who else showed up?
- Mm.

Starbucks.

Very good company.

Filled with smart people with bold ideas.

- I suppose.
- Also,

Anusol Plus.

Do you have hemorrhoids, Gavin?

Not currently.

Made by Johnson & Johnson,
also a good company.

Do you know what they do?

They spark solutions

that create a better, healthier world.

Just like you.

You remember writing that?

I'm a busy man, Richard.

I've lived an incredible life.

I saw a yeti one time,

and forgot for a couple years.

Well,

I ran your little pledge

through a plagiarism detection API.

What are you implying, Richard?

Well, I also looked at transcripts of

your interviews and speeches.

Your commencement speech at
Liberty University. Stolen,

from an obscure Afghan philosopher.

And also, do you see

that guy right there?

That is Rod Morgenstern,

the author of "The Nautilus of Dreams,"

the eBook you blatantly
plagiarized and turned into

"Cold Ice Cream and Hot Kisses."

Do you know how much
harder my life has been

- because I cared about ethics?
- Tethics.

I could've lost my company
a dozen different times

because I couldn't compromise

- on my ethics, and now you're
turning ethics... - Tethics.

- Tethics. - ...into some kind
of fucking vanity project.

- Tethics, Richard. Tethics.
- Stop it.

Something I came up with on my own.

Well, it sounds fuckin' dumb.

What do you want?

Ever since I turned down your $10 million,

all I ever wanted was for
you to just go away.

But, you and Hooli have tried

to fuck me over a thousand different ways.

You're a billionaire. You
can do anything you want.

You can run for president or
buy a fuckin' basketball team,

but you can't do this.

And I'm gonna make sure of it.

So, if you'll excuse me, I have to...

look over my speech.

Hey!

So, you guys raised some issues

with Piper-Pulse, so I really
started looking into it,

and it turns out, there are some...

real problems with its
reliability as a metric. So,

I'm shutting it down.

- Aw.
- Hm.

But the scores are derived
from our coworkers,

the most reliable indicator
of job performance.

Yeah, maybe we could help. You know,

- I'm sure if we took a look
under the hood... - No!

Bad system. Didn't work.

Thank you.

Oh, I guess I'm up.

Thank you.

Thank you, Elder Red Spirit,

for those profound...

sentiments.

I'm sorry.

I, uh...

I can't do this.

As humbling as it is

to have all of you sitting
here, paying tribute to me,

I have to be honest.

I have been anything but ethical.

In truth, I am a plagiarist, and a liar,

and a thief. Ironically, the very...

code of virtue I've asked
you all to abide by was,

in itself, stolen.

And perhaps, some day,

someone may

erect a foundation the likes of this.

But it will not be, and should not,

be me.

And in the interest of being truly honest,

this is not new behavior.

I have, for years and years,

practiced a parasitic and cynical brand of

predatory capitalism that
leaves nothing to be admired.

Ethics? Not a priority.

In fact, my behavior

may have bordered on criminal.

And to those I have wronged by this,

I apologize.

But apologies are cheap, aren't they?

There must be a reckoning.

Which is why today,

here in this public forum,

I call for the attorney general

of the state of California to launch

an immediate investigation

of my conduct as CEO of Hooli...

leaving no stone unturned.

The truth must finally be revealed.

I apologize

for putting you all through
this, especially...

those of you who actually lead lives of...

real virtue.

Hey, Gavin.

I know that wasn't easy.

Sure about that?

Should've taken the $10 million, Richard.

Enjoy the injunction, thumbass.

What?

Okay, Donny. Yeah, you, too,

and I appreciate it, by the way.

All right, I'll catch you on the flip side.

Okay, so, this is real.

The AG just told me they're
launching an investigation

into Gavin's price fixing and
anti-competitive behavior

while he was at Hooli,

and Gavin called it. So, obviously,

the first move is to file
an injunction against

any further merging between
Hooli and Pied Piper.

Okay. W-what does injunction mean?

- What does that mean?
- It means

until this investigation concludes,

you are prohibited from mixing any more

Hooli chocolate with the
Pied Piper peanut butter.

Well, we're in the middle
of merging our codebases.

- Yeah, unmerge them.
- Well, that's impossible.

I mean, Christ, we're using
HooliPhones in our Hawaii test.

So, by calling for an investigation

into his own behaviors, he can kill us?

Fuckin' Gavin Belson.

Fuckin' Gavin Belson.

Is this fun? I'm sorry.
Are-are you admiring him?

You gotta separate the artist from the art,

Rico. I mean, this is...

elegant, you know? This
is, this is graceful.

This is kinda like, uh...

What's the, uh, what's the name of that...

- ballerina dude?
- Baryshnikov.

- No.
- Nureyev?

- No...
- Does it fucking matter, Ron? Who cares?

We're paralyzed! We're gonna be broke!

Shit, yeah. And,

now Gavin's gonna be able to buy Pied Piper

for pennies on the dollar.

He is under investigation, right?

So, something bad can happen to him.

Worst case, they find
he acted in bad faith,

and then Hooli's gotta pay
a big fine or something.

But you own Hooli, so...

you'd have to pay that fine.

Fucking ninja!

We're dead.

Gregory Hines!

Dancer guy. He's an American treasure.

Richard Hendricks!

What's up?

Right? Right?

Read it. Get it?

- Now say it. - Look, Russ, I don't
really have time for you right now.

Or your festival, if
that's why you're here.

The Attorney General of California

just signed our fuckin' death warrant.

Yeah, I heard Belson
gaped your asshole today

- and not in that fun way.
- Cool.

Great. Well,

I've gotta go inside and
tell everyone, so...

No, you don't, you lucky fuck.

Lucky fucky. Richard,

Don Delarenta, the AG of California,

is gonna do whatever the
fuck I tell him to do.

- Why?
- 'Cause I have dirt on him.

Two years ago, he had an open-and-shut case

against a guy who committed
terrible crimes,

but he didn't prosecute him

'cause that guy bribed
him and I can prove it.

You think the fuckin' AG is
gonna wanna let the public see

that he didn't prosecute
a guy who did this?

- Oh, my God! Holy fuck!
- Or this?

- Or this? Jesus, look at that.
- Fuck me!

Hold on, wait... Is that you?

Yeah. So is this. This.
Here's portrait mode.

- There's a panoramic in here somewhere.
- I get it, Russ.

Are you the one that committed
the terrible crimes?

Yeah. And that dirtbag

let me off because I contributed
half a mil to his campaign.

Now I had told him I'd delete the photos,

but what that moron didn't
count on is that I'd forget.

So, Richard. Question.

Should I make the call?

You ready to dump Hawaii,

and join RussFest?

Ah? Ah? Ah?

You're not really giving
me much of a choice.

Ah!

Don Delarenta, please.

Tell him it's Russ Hanneman.

He'll know.

Uh, hey, Dinesh?

Oh hey, Dinesh.

Hey, Richard, what's up?

You want me to come home? Like,

leave Hawaii?

No!

Wait, for what?

So, bitches, what do you think?

It's beautiful.

Tres Commas!

Boom!

Hey, Gilfoyle. So, I've
been thinking about your AI

and its many deficits...

Your issue may be insecurity,

masked by false bravado and unisex cologne.

It's not unisex.

Richard! Russ Fest!

You told AT&T that the hologram
would be interactive, right?

Yes.

See, asshole?!

My hologram can 100 percent
dry hump festival goers

from behind.

If they ask for it. Hashtag-woke.

Well, the purchasing seems stable.

Everything is amazing.

What's it doing?

Everything was fine,

and then the network started deteriorating.

Also, his trailer was filled with ants.

What did we do?

Am I going to jail?

Hey. I can train you.