All language subtitles for Baby Bump 2015 par Kuba Czekaj avec Agnieszka Podsiadlik, Andrzej Mastalerz (vo) sx

Where have your tickles got to?

I'm not ticklish.

Since when?

When?

When? When?

Nice?

Neatly squared away.

Like three cubes of sugar.

Once, two, three.

Is that so hard to remember?

Once, two, three.

Once, two, three.

My little sugar lump.

Mine, mine, mine.

You're all mine.

What're you doing?

Umm... standing here...
And having a drink.

So drink! Drink, drink, drink!

I like you.
I'll show you my tits.

You can have a look.
But it'll cost you marshmallows.

And no grabbing.

Gotta go pooh. No wiping.
See ya'. Sayonara.

- Move.
- Move forward.

What's going on?

I haven't got anything! Really.

Look.

Stinks like fuck.

What's new with you mummy?

She's a hot bitch, ain't she?

I don't know.

You don't know?

But I do.

Your ma's a red-hot mama.

I'd give her one.

- Massage!
- Fuck off!

My fingers are hurting.

Hey! See how my skin's all dry.

Haven't you got any oil?
Or, I dunno... gloves with a fleecy lining?

Have you lost the fucking plot?
That's scalding!

You got it?

Tomorrow.

What d'you mean, tomorrow?

Today.

Today and I'll have it tomorrow.
I'm working on it.

Fucking ace.

And what if the pigs know
more than they're saying?

What about?

Watch it.

That I've got some fucking residue
between my fingers. And blisters.

You morons even fucking know
what blisters are?

The pigs just make like
they know something.

They don't know dick.

Lie down.

Leave him be.
He's an eco-hero.

Saved half the school. Eats eco-lettuce,
eco-cabbage and eco-carrots

and takes a fucking bath in liquid shit.

You done?

Just wanted to be nice.

OK.

Tomorrow, before the bell.
Same place as always. Right?

Yes.

Here. Buy yourself some cucumbers.

Some cheese.

Or some eco.

Or some bio.

Shouldn't you be in class?

I'm going for a pee.

Fill it. Sign it.
Give it to the nurse.

Signed?

This yours?

Say hello to your mum.

Tell her “Hey, there!”.

- "Hey there?"
- "Hi.

Or, how about... "ciao".

Watch it.

Do you have an appointment, sir?

Will you help me pin it?
l won the poster competition.

How many marshmallows
can you fit in your mouth?

I can do ten.

You heard this one?

What stinks of cunt and arse,
and cheesy feet and all?

Mickey Houses tighty whities,
rolled up tightly in a ball.

Not quite the joke of the year,
but LOL, right?

Look.

What've they arrested him for?

Grass or something.

Give me Fly Algaric.

It fucks my head up good,
but it makes me sweat like a pig.

Will he end up in court?

Come off it. No.
They'll bang him up at once.

He's the first. They'll do the
whole make-an-example shit.

They're turning everyone
inside out now.

Where d' you buy your rubber johnnies?

That shop on the corner.

Where they've got that
Italian week at the moment.

No?

I don't believe it.

He's split your ciabatta?

Stuck his pepperoni in, but farted on
that I stung him like a lemon.

Lemon?

Yeah, really got to me, too.

Got snitty and hadn't even
got his rocks off.

Pebbles, more like.

Plenty of rampant undergrowth at base camp,
but had trouble pushing on to the peak.

Shrimp.

We need more rubber johnnies.

I've got some rubbers. Me! Me!

You said you had some drawing pins.

It's all happening, right?
And I'm recording the lot! Everything!

Homo. Gay. Queer. Queen.

I didn't want to say
a queer, a queen, or a gay.

Just a real man.
Remote and inaccessible.

You're looking great.
How're you doing?

I'm doing great. I did great yesterday
and the day before yesterday.

I'll be great tomorrow
and all week.

We see each other every day.
Can we get started?

Well, what do you fancy?

The vaginal cream.

Want to rub it in?

You bet.

I'm just dreaming of creaming it on.
It's the max.

Seriously mega.

Come on. Make a bit of an effort.

20 € for 30 minutes viewing
and an opinion. That's good money.

It's a nice colour.

OK, it looks like chocolate whip.

I can even believe it's rich-tasting.

But only in the dispenser. On the finger
it looks like shit, shit, shit.

Can you really eat it?

Apply it to your vagina
and then lick your fingers?

It's gross.

Can't I put it in a mail to you?

No you can't. You know very well that
we're interested in direct contact

and a direct relationship
with the potential customer.

You're spontaneous...

and emotional.

- Want to add anything?
- Must I?

20 €.

- The close-ups.
- Like them?

No.

Shit, shit, shit,
everlastingly dripping onto that finger.

It looks like someone wiped
their backside with their hand.

Let's talk about something nicer.

Sanitary towels.

Date me.

OK. I'm OK.

OK, OK, OK.

- What?
- Money.

Hunt.

Hunt. Hunt. Hunt.

You didn't give me a goodbye kiss.

Or a good morning kiss.

And you left without a word.

That's three kisses as a punishment.

Here. Here.

And here.

What's wrong?

I'd give her one.

Knee pads?

Want a... a banana?

You glued your ears down again.

I've asked you not to. It hurts.

Open the door.

Come on! Open the door!

Where've you been?

You'll catch a cold.
Get those filthy rags off.

Please! Please!

I'll never do it again!

Mum, I'll never do it again! Really.
Really and truly, Mum.

Mum, I'll never do it again!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry! Mummy!

I'm sorry.

I told you to get out of
those soaking wet rags.

Didn't I?

Promise that you'll never
get on a scooter again.

I swear.

And?

And I promise.

Where's the ciabatta?

Go get some rolls. I'll make us
pepperoni ciabatta for supper.

On the billboard.
At a reduced price.

Come here! Quickly!
Something's bitten me!

Right.

Congratulations.

It's begun.

My little zitikins.

- Can't we meet? Please.
No. I don't want to.

That's all we ever do.
Can't we just see each other?

Go somewhere, anywhere.
Sit, stand. Please.

No. No, I don't want to.
OK, wait a moment. Don't cut me off.

Are you there?
You're there. OK.

Is this what you're looking for?
Glue, glue, glue?

Yes, yes, yes!

Give it to me!

There'll be no more of this!

Give it to me. Mummy! Please!

How am I supposed to go to school?

Since when do you like going to school?

I don't like it.
But I have to.

You have to look after me.

I'm sick.

I don't feel well.

How's the knee?

Mega knee!

Do you have an appointment, sir?

They've started coming away
and getting son of longer.

For several days now, I've been feeling...
and hearing, something crunching.

And there's the constant pain.
The lack of sensation. The scar.

There's even been some bleeding.

The wound hasn't
healed completely yet.

Two weeks after the procedure
is a bit early for caressing...

breasts.

Are you there?

I can hear you.

You haven't flushed the toilet
and you're writing with soiled fingers.

I should report you.

Failing to carry out your employer's
instructions is a serious transgression.

Do what I say.

Turn on the camera.

I want to see your hair.

Short.

Dirty.

You've had a cold.

For a week.

Shabby track suit.

Crisps. Cheap.

Own-brand from a supermarket.

Greasy fingers.

Show them to me.

Show me how you do it.

Show me how you rub yourself.

You like it.

You tan. You screwing slut.

You grab the vibrator.

Swallow the cum.

Just turn the fucking camera on.

Turn on that fucking camera.

Good afternoon.

Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Is your son at home?

My son's at school.

- At school?
- At school. Where else?

At home...
what's your home situation like?

Normal.

Do you live with your husband?
Does your son have contact with his father?

We're getting divorced.

It must be very difficult for you.
I'm getting divorced, too.

Everyone's getting divorced these days.

There are more serious problems
than that.

Such as?

What?

Drugs.

That's not our problem.

Until it affects those dearest to us.

I'm not with you.

Drugs.

What are you getting at?

We're running urine tests at the school.
At the principal's request.

Urine?

The parents were notified at a meeting.
Didn't you know anything about it, ma'am?

- I knew. l work long hours.
- Where?

In urine... from home.
What's this, an interrogation?

Take it easy, please.

We're carrying out a routine check on the
presence of drugs in the pupils' urine.

It's nothing major.

But the most curious thing is...

that the results
of the tests coincide.

The samples come from one person.

What're you suggesting?

We suspect that someone's using
the situation and dealing in...

urine?

Just a few pupils
haven't handed in a sample.

- Your son's one of them, ma'am.
- My son's a good boy.

Polite, obedient,
doing well at school.

He doesn't cause trouble and
he doesn't get into fights.

Here's my card.
For your collection.

If you decide you want to add something.
Or if, for instance, you feel...

Loneliness and yearning?

Should such a need occur.

Good bye.

Did you want to give me a cuddle?

Right now, I'd like you to take this.

For the urine sample.

And keep an eye on your son.

Would you like a cup of tea?

I expect you're hungry.

I'll make a pepperoni ciabatta.

Nice, thick slices.
No cheating.

Well, Officer?

I'm running on empty.

Haven't had so much
as a lick of a lollipop.

Neither have I.

Excuse me, but you're Officer...?

Lieutenant.

Mr. Lieutenant.

Lieutenant will do.

Come in, Mr...Lieutenant.

I thank you.

What?

A bit of thread.

I sewed up the hole in the knee.

What's happened to the lock?

It kept on jamming,
so I unscrewed it.

Here. Go on. Take it.

Give it here.

- Come on, give it here!
- No.

Lollipop! Come here, sugar lump.

Come and wash my back for me.

There's bubbles. There's loads
of foam, like always.

Come on, sugar lump.

Nice?

No.

That'll do.

Where are you getting the money from?

What money?

What money? The money in the drawer.

My drawer, my money.

You will sign this neatly.

You will take it into school tomorrow.

And you will put a stop to it.

To what?

You know very well what.

What're their names?

Whose names?

You know very well whose.

You will sign it. You will hand it in.

And you will stop.

What you've been doing.

Signed?

Mr. Lieutenant.

I've come to check the latest
results of the urine tests.

Say hello to your mum.
And take care of her.

She's under a lot of stress.

She's sleepy and, you know...

She's hypersensitive.

She doesn't eat properly.

I'll make a pepperoni ciabatta.

Arsehole!

Watch it.

I'm late coming on.

You're lucky it's not dripping
out of you.

Like happened to me,
all over those swivel chairs in IT.

When I had a lesson a week later,
the stain was still there.

And the boys saw
sanitary towels in my backpack.

I remember! They pulled it out
and started mucking around with it.

I thought I'd wet myself.
Serious shit.

Serious shit.

Serious shit.

That's real problems.
That's real life.

I think I'll be a journalist.

Wanna share a drink with me.
From the same straw?

It's all chemicals.

The chemistry's between you 'n me.

They look OK with the chewing gum.
Not so flattened.

Oh! It's Jerboa Mouse.

If it shrieked, it wouldn't get eaten.

It did shriek.

Not loudly enough.

What're those leaves for?

We're having bouillon.

The dog ate it.

And what's "dog" in English?

Stop it!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

A towel. Gimme a towel.

A towel. No, no, not a towel.
It'll leave a stain. Traces. Spoor.

These things happen to us boys.
Get the iron.

Get it yourself.

I've got a few more interventions.
They've gotta be dry.

See you on the chat...
to finish what we've started?

You're looking good.
How're you doing?

I'm doing great.
I'm spontaneous and I'm emotional.

Not even 20000 € would be enough
for looking at you in that state.

There's this boy
who posted this video on the Internet.

Of him getting
10 marshmallows into his mouth.

And I can get 11 in.
I've beaten his record.

I've got new footage.

People like atrocity.

They looked weird stuck down.

I've managed to get used to
them sticking out. And you?

Kind of.

So when are you having
the operation?

You're doing it, right? I heard
it hurts hideously. I'd never do it.

I've heard that if you don't have
an operation, they get even bigger.

You know what? I like you. Really.

We've had our ups and downs,
but I can show you.

I'll show you for nothing.
I'm doing a special offer. For free.

But here and now. You can touch them.
Jiggle them. Want to?

Everyone wants to. Don't worry.
You just need to freeze them.

The ears. Not the tits.
They fall off by themselves.

No pain and no blood.
Here you are.

Use to cut off the flow of water
by freezing it.

That's what it says on the can.

Since it freezes pipes,
it'll freeze ears, too.

Take it. From me to you.
A gift. A helping hand.

Take it. I saved up. Earned.
Bought it for you.

I love you.

And there's this, too.

It's magic.

Bon appétit.

Where d'you get that piss?

The piss. Who d'you buy it from?

It's mine.

From my bladder.

Pregnant, are you?

Yes.

Yes.

You cook up. You smoke.
You swallow. And chase and snort.

What is it and who's it from?
Out with it. Come on!

Syrup from my mum.
Sedative.

I haven't overdosed.
I'm not hallucinating.

I feel great. My hearing's fine.

When I get worked up, I can't pee.
And I get worked up a lot, get it?

I didn't want any trouble, so I asked a
girl, 'cos none of the boys are my friends.

Can I go now?

You're a zit, a blackhead, shit,
runny poop, a big, hard turd.

A stinking dick! A hairy pepperoni!

Smell that?

You're not here.

You're not here.

And you never were.

You don't exist.

Get back to the television!

Giddy up!

Onwards! Onwards!

What're you doing?

Nestling it, because it's cold.
Incubating it. Hatching it.

Someone has to. Something has to
hatch out of it. See how happy it is.

- It's mine!
- It likes it. The egg likes it.

- No it doesn't!
- It does.

You like covering up under 2 quilts
when you go to sleep. So does the egg.

- No it doesn't.
- Yes it does.

- It does!
- No it doesn't.

- Does! Does! Does!
- Doesn't! Doesn't! Doesn't!

Does that feel good?

Shut up.

Stop talking to me.
Shut your face!

Good morning.
I've got a broken window pane.

Can you replace it?

OK. I'll be waiting

Hello. On today's programme we're answering
questions from our telly-viewing girlies.

My guests are experts.
Real women.

Question:

My tits aren't getting any bigger.
They're lazy. I'm trying so hard.

I measure them every day.
I'm gonna kill myself. Cheers.

Dear Telly-Viewer Girl, eat loads of ham.
And buy yourself a push-up bra.

Scarf down bananas. Mega-masses of them.
And make a banana mask.

An egg yolk, a banana
and three tablespoons of milk.

Mash it all together and slap it on.

And, like, drink loads of milk, too.

Don't forget to slather your boobs
with olive oil. Like, every day.

That's what I did and just get
a load of these melons.

Wrong. Bananas. Bananas are just
s-o-o-o crucial, I'm telling you.

Thank you. This was me,
your journalist and my guestie-westies.