Original subtitles

Did I disturb you? I should scream.

I shan't give you a moment.

Don't do that. You might disturb the neighbors.

I must compliment you on your good taste, by the way. You have such

objects.

I particularly like the Picasso lithographs in the hall.

However, of all the beautiful objects, I must say you are by far the most

beautiful.

I shall scream.

Later.

It was awful.

Sorry about that. I caught it off the wife.

Nothing more you can think of that might be of any help, Mrs. Barron?

Oh, it was awful, seeing him standing there like that.

If only I'd been here to protect you.

I'm on night this week, you see.

I do voluntary social work, looking after inadequates.

Yes, I see.

Now, if I can just recap.

I was awakened at about 2 .30 a .m. by a noise. I got up to investigate. I went

into the dining room and switched on the light. I saw a man standing there by

the window going through the silver.

That's right.

I didn't know what to do.

Then we come on to your description of the man.

He wore a small black velvet mask, ginger hair, height about six feet four,

stocky build, shallow complexion, age somewhere between 40 and 50, spoke with

Russian accent.

He pushed past me, seized my jewel case, and ran out of the flat.

Please, Constable, my wife's recovering from a very nasty shock.

Right, then.

Your husband's given me a list of your jewelry.

I dare say you'll be hearing from us pretty quick.

In the meantime, if you do happen to remember anything else, you know where

are.

Good day, madam.

Every description different.

These jewel robberies.

It must be a gang operation.

Or a master disguise.

Well, who could disguise himself as a club -footed, coloured midget one week

a six -foot -six Russian with a hair lit the next?

High -to -work actor, maybe?

Seven burglaries in three months, almost the same trademark, and yet seven

totally different descriptions.

The old man's doing his nut in the identity kit, boys aren't even talking

They think I'm having them on.

So what do you want me to check on?

Multiracial gangs or out -of -work actors?

I'll check myself.

The latest victim.

What's her name?

Mrs Barrow?

Yeah.

Well, come on!

I do have this latest consignment of dodgy magazines to check, sir.

We're in the middle of a bloody crime wave and they keep pinching my men for

pornography squad.

Can't you just leave that for a moment?

The plinth!

Would you be with me, sir? I could always work on it in the car.

Oh, it was awful, awful.

I kept protesting, of course, but he just kept saying, Niat, Niat, and that

dreadful grating accent.

What makes you think it was Russian, Mrs. Barrow?

Oh, I couldn't be sure. I mean, he could have been Serbo -Croat or something, or

even Icelandic, but he gave that, well, impression.

Yes.

I do hope I'm being helpful.

Oh, yes, yes.

Tell me, you did say it was 2 .30 a .m. this happened.

Tell me, why didn't you call the police before six in the morning?

Oh, was it that long?

I mean, I was distressed. I was fraught.

And that's when my husband came home.

Yes. I do social work at night, you see.

Looking after inadequates.

I see.

And that's when you felt sufficiently recovered from the shock to focus.

Exactly.

Thank you, Mrs. Barrow.

Mr. Barrow, that's all we need to know for now.

I might need to question you again later.

Yes, of course. I'll do anything I can to help. They're a beast to put behind

bars. Well, from what you've told us, he may be the subject of an extradition

order.

We'll see. Sergeant Plinth?

Sir? I don't think we'll get much more from Mrs. Barrow.

Is the insurance investigator here?

Yes, sir. I left her out in the hall with the reporter.

I think I'll have a word with her.

Yes, sir.

All right, you can come in now.

Inspector Smith's finished.

The inspector'd like to work with you.

Not bad for an insurance investigator, eh?

She could settle my claim any time.

You reporters, you're all the same, aren't you?

Sex mad.

Go on, if you want to finish your interview.

Thanks.

That's not bad, either.

Well, you couldn't blame anyone for snatching her ring, could you?

Sorry for that interruption, Mrs. Barrow.

Must let the guardians of the law get on with their work, mustn't we?

Right. Now, where were we? Ah, yes. You were saying how you thought pornography

and violence on television was encouraging this sort of thing.

I thought you said that.

Well, it's the same thing these days, Mrs. Barrow.

It's all violence.

You know, you were very lucky he only took your jewellery.

It didn't harm you in any way. Well, he was in such a rush, you see.

There was an emerald necklace, for example, valued at over £11 ,000. Mrs

I really don't think it's wise to have that sort of information printed in a

newspaper. Oh, come on.

I insist it's printed. I don't want him to think he's got away with everything.

I mean, well, it'll be a comfort to anyone who reads it to think that

don't take everything.

That's the only reason I want it printed, I assure you. She's asking for

trouble, you know, saying things like that to the press, especially Guy

Not much I can do if she wants to invite another burglary.

Have you found anything?

Same as all the others, not a single clue.

No progress at all? No.

You?

Let's drown our sorrows, shall we?

It's costing the insurance company a small fortune.

Five out of the seven burglaries have been our clients.

Yeah, I remember you thinking there might be a connection.

One of my more inspired ideas.

Not that it came to anything other than upsetting half the star.

Didn't exactly please my boss either.

You know, if I don't come up with something positive soon, I'm going to be

of a job.

You know, Miss Marvin... Please, call me Judy.

Judy, if I don't solve this case quickly, I'm going to be in trouble too.

I hear them all whispering now how old Pratt he would have sold it.

I took Pratt's place when he retired.

Inspector Pratt. Yes, he was quite famous, wasn't he?

Right.

This is my chance to really prove myself.

I can't even find a single clue.

Not one.

Not even half a clue.

Never mind, Inspector.

Robert.

No, thanks. I'm afraid I do mind.

I'm sure something will turn up.

You know, Judy...

There's something about you I really admire.

Tits.

I'm a big tit man myself.

No.

Arses and thighs, that's me.

I had dreams at night about them. Oh, don't mistake me. I mean, I like arses

thighs too, but tits. You know, great big ones.

That's really something.

Tell you, when I first joined the force, I asked to go with the vice squad, but

it's such a long waiting list.

I suppose you must get access to some pretty hot stuff up there. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, photos and things.

Most of it's under lock and key, of course, but... No, and again, you

get a quick glimpse.

I'll tell you, the other day, a couple of boys from the flying squad, they

seized a batch of real hardcore porn stuff.

I'm trying to smuggle it in through customs.

Yeah. Well, there was one.

I'll tell you, I've never seen anything like it before.

There was this on...

What you came for is under here with me.

It's all insured. Good.

Then we'll both get something.

But if you don't mind, I won't stay. I'm very tired.

I do hope you haven't worn yourself up breaking and entering. But if you want

them, you've got to take them. No, really, thank you. I mustn't be too late

back. I have to be up early in the morning and... You understand?

I'm sure the police would understand. But, of course, they might not let you

sleep either.

Good morning.

My usual carnation, please.

Just the one, sir. Oh, yes, thank you.

That'll be 10p.

Thank you very much. Good day to you.

God bless.

Ah.

Is he up yet?

Had a late night of it. Dead to the world when I arrived.

Yes, but is he up? Just about.

Would you like coffee?

No, I wouldn't mind.

Well, I'm glad to hear he's working again.

Grant always writes his best stuff at night.

It's all right for you.

I have to transcribe it while he sleeps all day.

Oh, as long as he brings the work in on time, I don't care when he sleeps.

What about the latest?

Has it got a title yet?

The Dirty and the Dying, I think.

Hasn't made his mind up yet.

What about the proof of the new cover design? Has that come through?

No, not yet.

Well, it should have done. It was posted on Friday.

Well, as far as I know, it hasn't arrived.

Unless Grant's got them and forgot to tell me.

Oh, hello, Jacobi.

Thought I heard your dulcet sweet tones.

Hey, listen, did you get those cover designs through for Virgin Vengeance?

Virgin Vengeance? No. No? Why?

Oh, bloody Arnold, he was supposed to have posted them on... Hello?

Mr Riddle.

Jackaby here.

Hello, Arnold.

Where the hell have those bloody cover designs got to?

Yes, I know. You told me you posted them on Friday.

No. No, well, of course I'm sure. I'm sitting right here with them now.

Fire and get yourself another one.

If you're going to screw them, screw one that's efficient.

later this afternoon. He's sending them round by hand.

Right.

So how many chapters have you got for me?

As your publisher, I'd say that's definitely a bestseller.

With a nice advance in royalties, don't you think?

What it is to be a creative artist.

out to join the club, might have resigned.

Well, I had a letter to the secretary written out already.

I say, isn't that Grant Henry, the right affair?

Yes,

thank you.

Did you know him?

No. I don't go in for reading much. I browse the Financial Times, and that's

about all. Do you know him, Freddie?

Well, actually, yes.

We went to school together.

Can't remember him as very brave, you know, I must say. For a chap that writes

books. I see.

Does one actually earn money from that kind of thing? No idea.

If he always seems to have money, he probably gets vast sums for film rights.

That's what they say.

I've got an uncle who writes books.

Mainly about pigs.

Don't suppose anybody wants to make a film about them, no?

He was a jolly good athlete, I remember that.

My uncle?

No, no.

Grant Henry.

Grant, how are you?

Really? Do jealous.

Do you know Lord Prescott?

No, I don't know.

Talking to us. And Ian Wesley, dear. Oh, how do you do?

I've heard about you. You write thrillers, don't you?

Yes. Ah, how jolly thrilling.

You know, I once knew a man who knew Ian Fleming.

Really? Yes, he was a writer too.

So I believe.

Yes, and he played golf frightfully well. At least, that's the story I

from the man I knew who knew him.

Yes. Well, my dear chap, how's the world treating you? Oh, can't complain.

You know, I see your paperbacks on railway bookstores frequently.

Gathering dust, I'm afraid.

Oh, come on.

Well, you write as own fortunes. It's the film rhyme. I say, have you ever met

Sophie Loren?

No. Or Jane Fonda?

No.

Oh, pity.

I'm afraid I haven't sold any of my books to films yet.

When you do, be sure to have them both in it.

Yes, yes, I'll try.

They're jolly good.

Yes.

My wife, Farinda, reads a lot.

Books and magazines.

I must tell her, I admit to you, she'll be thrilled.

She reads.

Writing, you know.

It's the best thing to do with it.

Are you still living in the country?

Oh, yes. Well, we all do.

Came up to town tonight with Ian and met Porky.

We go wrestling together.

You wrestle?

No, no, we watch it.

All over the place.

Shoreditch Town Hall tonight. A frightfully amusing spot.

Then Ian and I will drive back.

But you're staying.

Yes, we have a small place in town. Don't keep staff or anything like that.

At Pierre d 'Arterre. You must pop round sometime.

Florinda would love to meet you. She loves actors and writers.

That sort of person.

They're not wrestlers.

She prefers to watch it on the telly.

High Park Place.

You must pop round.

Penthouse. Numbers in the book.

I just might do that.

I say, we've got a spare ticket if you'd like to come along.

You're more than welcome.

Thanks again. But I have to work tonight.

I promised my publisher I'd have something for him in the morning.

I mean, you don't have to do that kind of thing in public.

Well,

quite, darling. I certainly won't go down there for the weekend again.

I know.

It's when they start doing it in front of the children that I object.

Not that the oldest is his, anyway.

If he was mine, I certainly wouldn't let him behave like that. Well, not in

front of the guests, at any rate.

You know me, darling. I'm the last one to be pussy about, well, things like

that. But when you're at a formal dinner party and suddenly he gets it out and

starts stirring the soup with it... Darling,

I, for one, find it most off -putting.

What, honey?

I did believe that story anyway.

I mean, he's much too good a swimmer.

Do you remember that weekend down at Harriet's?

No, Rodney's Harriet.

That's the one who ran away with the lesbian waitress from Fortnum's.

That's right.

They ended up in the south of France just after Stephanie's third abortion.

Fourth, was it?

for the weekend, just after Christmas.

Yes.

Yes, well, anyway, Clive was there.

That is, assuming that she is his mother.

Well, darling, after what Cynthia Garnett Lovell told me at Tony's 21st.

Bridge, darling, not birthday.

My husband's downstairs.

I've only got to make the slightest sound and he'll come running.

I can't believe any husband could allow such a beautiful woman to go

to bed alone.

The neck is so beautiful, so white, so firm.

This is madness.

You're a handsome burglar.

I'm an unhappily married woman.

Yes, it is madness.

But you, so exquisite, make me mad.

My husband wouldn't like it.

Your husband's not going to get it.

That's something to go on.

Anything.

I tell you, Sergeant, this man's harder to catch than Jack the Ripper.

Don't worry, sir. He'll make a mistake.

They always do.

It's not right, you know.

There's no pictures.

There ought to be pictures.

I mean, how else is he supposed to know what he's on about?

Marvin here.

Hello. I'm afraid our birthing friend struck again last night.

Or one of them. I'm beginning to think it must be a gang.

Does your company handle insurance for Lord Prescott?

No, thank God.

I just had a rocket from my boss, too.

If I don't come up with something positive soon, I'm going to be out of a

Would it help if I gave him a ring, had a word with him?

That's very kind of you, Robert, but I don't think it would have any effect.

You never wanted a woman in the job in the first place. Now it's...

We seem to be in the same boat.

Well, don't worry. This thief, he'll make a mistake. They always do.

Well, I only hope he makes it before the end of next week.

So where's the baton? This is London, baby, not Rome. Now, come on.

Isabel, will you stop doing that? Why? They're my clothes, for Christ's sake.

Well, you better start taking better care of them, baby.

They may have to last you quite a while.

So I get myself another movie. I'm a star, ain't I?

Sure you're a star.

It's just you can't act.

Listen, boot face.

I got real good notices for Hot Pants Broad.

They said I was a great performer.

Well, they weren't talking about your acting, for Christ's sake. If I got...

feature movies.

Of course, you were being screwed by the head of Empire Films. That's how.

I told you, baby, you should never have walked out on that guy.

Like I said at the time, who needs him?

You for one and me for another. Who else will give us work? Right now, I can't

even get you publicity, let alone a goddamn movie.

Listen, why were there no photographers when I arrived?

I always have photographers.

Sure, you always have photographers.

Don't I know?

Are you making illusions?

I ain't doing nothing. All I'm saying is make my life a lot more easy if you

weren't always screwing with photographers.

What good were they for you?

What good did you ever do for me and you're supposed to be my agent?

Listen, just because I happen to like one or two photographers, what call is

there for you to bitch?

when you get publicity.

A good agent makes publicity for his clients.

Listen, the only things that are making headlines over here right at this moment

are these goddamn jewel robberies. Now, maybe if you get yourself foiled or

something, you might hit the papers.

Guido, baby, I wouldn't have believed it, but you've come up with something.

with genuine mink all the way around. That was only worth $5 ,411.

Miss Lorraine, could you tell us just how it all happened?

Oh, well, it was awful. My goodness, it was awful.

I was in the bathroom taking a bath, you know, with lots of bubbles because they

make me suffer.

Well, suddenly, I heard this noise in the other room, the bedroom.

Well, I thought it was my agent, you know.

Then I remembered he said he was going to have an early night.

I went to investigate.

Were you wearing any clothes, Miss Lorraine? Sure I was wearing clothes. I

this bathrobe on.

Anyhow, I went into the bedroom, and my goodness, there he was.

Well, I nearly fainted. I mean, he was enormous.

Could you describe him again for us, please?

Tall. Very tall.

With black hair all over, but with ginger streaks in it, and he was going a

bald as well.

But some of the descriptions in the past have said he was very small.

Well...

What I meant was he was very tall when he straightened up and he had this black

mask all over and he was just, well, he was just unbelievable.

It was just like out of that movie I did with Tony Ann and he said so, where I

did the scene in the bath and he suddenly came in dressed like he was

Davis and shot me up with an ice pick.

Well, I mean, you know, I don't know if you remember this scene, but we had an

awful lot of trouble shooting it because... Miss Lorraine, did this man

you at all?

Well, sure he threatened me. Chompy up with an ice pick, I already told you. I

meant last night.

Oh, yeah. Well, sure, sure he threatened me. I mean, he was enormous, this guy,

like I told you. He was maybe 190, maybe 200 pounds, and I was all on my own.

And he had a gun.

Yeah, he had a gun this night, and he threatened me with it.

Said he'd shoot me if I didn't do everything he asked me to. You know,

him all my jewelry.

And then... And then he raped me.

Yeah.

It was terrible. It was like a nightmare. You've no idea.

He pointed this gun at me and forced me to undress.

Well, you can imagine how embarrassed I felt. I mean, it's one thing to do it

for a movie camera, and another entirely when you're with some strange burglar

wearing a mask, you know?

Anyhow, he looked at my naked body hungrily, and he said how I was his

movie star, and how in hot pants broad I fitted the title perfectly.

Well, then he got this rope...

And he forced me to lie down while he tied me up like a chicken.

He trussed my naked body up like a chicken, and then he raped me seven

times, one for each of my movies.

Jesus.

Yeah, he'd seen every one of my movies, wanted to know what my next one was

going to be. Well, I told him I was still looking for the right part.

Of course, Empire Films desperately wanted me to go back, but, well, I'm

of doing these kind of things. Sexy parts. What I'm looking for now is

that'll stretch me.

Have you ever heard such a ridiculous story?

Sounds more like a plot of a film to me.

Pretty lurid plot, too, wasn't it?

Seven times.

That's one hell of a rape.

It's one hell of an insurance claim she's putting in for, too.

I don't know what I'm going to say to my boss.

So obviously a put -up job for publicity.

Tomorrow I'm going to go back there and go right through that list and check out

everything she claims was stolen.

She's making use of the situation.

That press conference of hers looks like it's due to go on the whole day.

I was thinking, if it is all a put -up job for publicity, I wonder what the

burglar's reactions are going to be tomorrow when he picks up the morning

and reads that he's supposed to rape one of the screen sex symbols seven times.

How's my little Angie this morning? World's best secretary.

Morning, Mr. Jacoby.

You're early. How come?

New chapters.

What else?

Morning, Grant. I gather you've got quite a lot for me this morning.

How about some coffee, dear?

Seven times.

It's a good job Angie doesn't have out your little hobby at nights. Nor yours.

It's just as well you're a good fence because you're a lousy bloody publisher.

There's no money in books.

Unless you've got a sensation.

Now, you write your memoirs, my boy. We can all go straight if last night's a

fair example.

Oh, don't be an idiot.

It's all a pack of bloody lies.

Oh, Grant, baby, you can tell me.

Look, I told you, I never boggled anybody last night. I was at the theatre

Angie. You're joking.

And there was I, rushing over here, thinking you'd have all that lovely

for me. It's all lies.

Some stupid bloody publicity stunt.

What a pity.

Reads like there's some nice stuff there, too.

Sapphire rings, diamond necklaces.

Coffee?

Morning.

I'd like to buy a Smith & Wesson revolver.

Forty -five caliber, heavy duty, with a spin chamber.

Yes, sir. With percussion cap.

Uh, no, thank you. I don't want to make a bang.

A water pistol, then?

Yes. Yes, now that would rather not be.

Who's the standard?

Who's the standard?

Cheers. I'm sorry I'm late. I got held up in the traffic.

That's all right.

Have you, uh, have you got them?

Yeah, the one underneath, that's very good. Yeah?

Yeah. No, no, not that one. The one where she's... These are bloody

Roy. Listen, you can't get hold of any in colour. I mean, try.

I mean, you may have to sit the boys out with something. No, it's no problem.

Oh, what?

These are really good.

Christ. How did you manage that?

Jesus, just look at the sun.

Can't stay long. I'm supposed to be keeping an eye on Miss Lorraine

Can't be bad.

Not for me. I don't fancy being the subject of the next press conference.

You're dead right.

You hear the story about the guy who wrote Applause writing a new musical for

her? No.

Yeah. It's called Clap.

Thank you.

Cheers Roy.

Do I seem to have been here before?

This can hardly come to you as a surprise.

Now then, first things first.

Your jewels.

I ain't got none of it.

There's a false back on it, but there isn't all I said there was.

I had to sell most of it before I left the States.

Perhaps you should cast your mind back to what happened last night.

Oh, my God!

Please, Mr. Red.

Your robe.

I don't think we'll really be needing that.

Now for the hard part.

I'm sorry, sir.

It's gone closing time.

There you go, seven times.

She must have had a plank across his... Where are you going?

He's one of us.

One of us.

Come on, I know this little place.

Get this.

Hold on, look.

I know, I know.

That's the same. Come on, let's go.

We can drink all night.

They're all topless here.

Bottomless, pitless, everything here.

Everything's less the price as well. Come on, 18 of them. They're all naked

they dance.

You can have a look inside. Come on, don't cost you anything until you get

in. Then it's a knicker and you see 18.

Here you are.

18 beautiful birds here, all naked, and they dance.

Non -stop titillation for a knicker. Come and have a look.

Only a knicker.

Non -stop titillation.

BOO!

Miss Lorraine, I've already heard that story, thank you, all day yesterday and

the day before.

Well, how come when it only happened?

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Silly of me.

It's the shock. It makes me lose all sense of time.

I guess you could call it a late reaction, you know.

We were talking about your insurance.

I've already spoken to customs, and according to them, the jewels you claim

stolen never entered the country.

Listen, babe.

Why don't we leave this till some other time?

Jezebel's tired right now.

That business about the jewels, it's all genuine stuff.

But she needs time to work and to recover.

The way he raped me like that.

He just never stopped.

It was awful, you can't imagine.

He was so young and strong.

Call it women's intuition if you like, but it's certainly a possible reason why

all the descriptions of the burglar differ from one another.

Well, it's better than being a gang, isn't it?

Well, all the victims were women, remember?

Yeah. Okay, I'll be right over.

I was just looking for something. I left here last night. Is it important?

Yes, it is. Listen, I want you to come with me to see Inspector Smith.

But I'm innocent.

I didn't know what was in that envelope. It was handed to me by a complete

stranger. Guy, I don't know what you're talking about, but the Inspector and I

need your help.

You do?

What for?

To catch a cat.

What? A cat burglar. Come on. A cat burglar?

All right, Judy, assuming you're right, and all his victims deliberately lied

because he seduced them, all we can do is to, um...

revisit the complainants and try to wring a confession from one of them.

No?

No.

What we need is some kind of plan where we can catch the burglar in the act.

Which act?

Guy, we'll need newspaper coverage. That'll be your department.

As for the bait, leave that to me.

You'll come with me, Robert, all right?

Oh, yes, yes, yes, of course.

Where? It's an unusual request, but naturally, Inspector, I'll only be too

pleased to cooperate.

Although I do suggest we take a few special precautions.

After all, we don't want any little mishaps, do we?

Do you have any ideas?

£6 ,000.

£50 ,000. £7 ,000. £8 ,000.

9 ,500 pounds.

9 ,500 pounds.

Wilson and Tate. And now we

come to lot 36, an emerald and diamond necklace created in 1831

for the diamond jubilee celebration of the crown prince of Poland, specially

made for his German mistress.

Helga von Gotterdammerung. The piece contains 327 small emeralds, the

centerpiece being the famous 16 -carat Waleska diamond, which was added to the

necklace in 1903.

The bidding will commence at 50 ,000 pounds.

50 ,000 pounds.

And five, 60, 70.

80, 90, 100. 100 ,000 pounds.

10, 20, 30, 40,

150 ,000 pounds. 150 ,000 pounds.

And 10, 160 ,000 pounds.

70.

80 and 5, 90

and 5.

195 ,000 pounds.

Do I hear any other bid?

195 ,000 pounds.

Can't stay long.

I've got to write up a piece about the auction so I can make the evening

editions.

Everything run according to plan, then?

195 ,000 it ended up at.

That's not bad for a piece of paste or glass or whatever you call it.

Do you know, I could see the auctioneer's face getting worried as the

going up. Judy just kept bidding higher and higher until she got it. Yeah?

Where's Judy now?

She's gone on a shopping spree hoping the thief will follow her.

Christ, I hope she doesn't lose him and cock up the whole case.

Which reminds me.

a couple of them.

They're not bad.

Oh.

Well.

You should be able to flog this lot off easily enough. Yeah, well, don't lose

this hit a lot like you lost the last.

Have you been served?

Lemon tea, please.

Oh, I wouldn't mind those for breakfast, I can tell you.

I had a friend who was a cameraman once, and I asked him about those shots. You

know those shots when they get white?

Oh.

Anything else?

Anyway, I have no trouble getting rid of that lot.

This Danish stuff, you know, it's really good. I mean, it's refined.

I mean, they give a minge class, don't they?

I wish you could remember where you left that bloody envelope.

Look, I tried the hotel. Nobody had handed it in.

Well, they wouldn't, would they?

I mean, supposing someone takes a look inside and then goes straight to the

police, then what happens?

Then we'll get it back again, won't we?

As long as no one recognises it at the yard, I'll really be in for it if that

happens.

I suppose you realize you've been parked on a double yellow line for the past

three -quarters of an hour.

Oh, really?

I've been watching you.

I would have thought a pretty girl like you would have had something much better

to do with it.

Right.

I'll get that thing in before it's too late.

Then I'll see about getting rid of that little lot.

You know, if they're good, you should get a fair price for them.

all right?

Perfectly. Now, as long as Guy does his part okay, we should get results, and

soon.

Judy, I'm worried.

Why?

Well, the idea of using a bait to attract this thief is one thing, but

you alone in this house, well, that's too much.

I mean, supposing your assumption is correct, supposing he does fall for the

bait, and breaks in tonight, or tomorrow after he's read about the auction.

Well, what can we lose, even if something goes wrong?

Phony necklace that isn't worth a cent.

It wasn't the necklace I was thinking of.

I was thinking of you.

I know I'm only an inspector at New Scotland Yard, and my name isn't

more than plain Smith, which isn't much to offer anybody, I must admit.

But I may be just another ordinary kind of person, but I do get very concerned

about you, and it worries me because I think you're just about the most

wonderful insurance investigator I've... ever met and uh if anything happened to

you i i don't know what i'd do because i think you're so um nice and uh well

you're a wonderful girl judy at least uh i think you're wonderful and rape me

i beg your pardon rape me well you know what rape is

yes it's um

Rape, yes.

Well, if you're so worried about me being raped by this burglar, you do it.

Oh, for God's sake, Robert, will you please rape me?

Look, I'm not very good at this sort of thing. Robert!

You know, I was educated at the kind of school where we didn't get much

opportunity to... get much practice at...

I shouldn't have done that.

You should never do that to a police officer.

Remember, we're all trained in unarmed combat. It's a complete instinct to

anyone in the force. Well, your instincts are a bit slow, then.

I may look mild, but when I want to be, I can get really rough.

All right, go for me again.

I don't want to hurt you. You won't.

I might forget myself and... Look, just go for me again, will you? Now, go for

me as if you were going to rape me.

Still worried about tonight.

By the way, didn't like to mention it at the time, but I'm also a black belt at

karate.

You're late back.

Feeling better?

There's something wrong somewhere.

Feels wrong.

Having trouble with one of your plots?

Just tired.

Perhaps too tired.

For what?

To make an important decision.

I'll get the stimulator.

Just relax.

It was really weird this afternoon.

I was walking along when suddenly this car hit this man carrying a suitcase as

he crossed the road.

Well, he went up in the air and so did the suitcase.

And all the contents splattered out.

And what do you think they were?

Ladies' underwear.

No. Blue movies.

How's that?

Better.

Just relax.

Let yourself go limp.

Don't worry. I feel limp.

Why don't we go upstairs? I could perform much better on the bed.

Oh, it's too much effort to go up the stairs.

We'll be all right here.

Bye.

It's me, Jacoby. What the hell's going on in there? Turn that damn thing off.

Grant, you can't stop now. Let's wait.

Let who wait? Turn it off. I can't hear myself speaking. I can't hear myself

here.

Look, Jacoby's waiting on us. Let's fuck him off. Jacoby, can you hang on for a

few minutes? We're just in the middle of something. Don't be silly. You can't

stand out there while we're in the middle of... Just a few minutes isn't

to hurt him. Angie, go and let him in. No, you let him in. I can't. I'm not...

Well, for Christ's sake, neither can I, not with... Look, Grant, what is going

on in there?

Let me in for God's sake.

And about time, too. What the hell do you want?

Scotch, and I'll pour it myself. Am I getting lost, Angie?

Charming.

The trouble with women is they're not self -sufficient.

It's none of the ones that I've ever met.

Yes, never mind about your sex life.

Let's talk about your business life for a moment.

Have you read the paper?

No, it's a fever.

Now, this is Rockefeller.

Did you see that she's... I'm ahead of you, Jacoby.

She keeps all the jewels in her safe in a house in Kensington.

She goes to bed early and she lives alone.

I found all this out this afternoon after the oxen.

The necklace looks very nice. She looks even better.

The house looks as if it's wide open waiting for me to go in, which is what I

don't like.

I don't know, it seems too easy. It smells wrong.

What the hell are you talking about?

Money, that's what it smells of.

get a hundred grand for the Galesa diamond alone.

Never mind what else she's got stashed away in that safe of hers.

Well, you read what she said in the papers. She doesn't trust banks.

That means she's got it all there.

Oh, come on, Grant, you've got to do her.

Look, we can all leave the country afterwards, go away on a long vacation.

What the hell, with a hundred grand we can all retire.

I could certainly do with a holiday.

Right, right.

And I certainly have been overdoing it recently.

Definitely.

And it's only just after midnight.

Angie, love.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to go out.

are you two doing here?

Supposing a burglar sees you? The inspector insisted I call round and see

you're all right.

Well, don't mind me. I'm just going to wire a couple of speakers up in the

bedroom. So the second he touches the combination lock on the blooming stage,

you'll be able to hear. That's if he hasn't been frightened off already by

Told you I'd be perfectly all right on my own, Robert.

Now, will you please stop fussing and sending your sergeant round to check up

me?

Well, of course he looks like a policeman. He's got those kind of feet.

If I need any help, I'll call you, all right?

Look, it's after midnight. I don't know what Guy's doing upstairs.

Wiring up some speakers, so you'll know. Right, then.

We'll leave you in peace.

All finished up, though?

Yeah, don't worry.

The second anything happens, it'll start up.

Of course, I could always disguise myself.

I do a very good postman.

At one o 'clock in the morning...

Here.

I know that fellow from somewhere.

No one I know. And I never forget a face.

Well, we're especially trained to remember them, you see.

I swear I've seen him somewhere, and recently, too.

Now, if he got big tits, I'd remember him, even if I'd never seen him before.

Thighs, mate, that's what's best.

Great big juicy thighs and lovely squeezy bums.

Nah, give me a pair of tits any day. They wouldn't suit you, dear.

Great big bums.

Thighs.

Tits. Thighs.

Tits. Arses.

Tits.

Why don't you try three to the right, two to the left, and one to the right

again?

Sorry, that's all there is in there.

Well now, Mrs. Rothfeller, where do you keep the rest?

In your bedroom?

Oh, there's nothing up there, I assure you. But you're welcome to have a look

while I call the police.

This looks cheap compared to your beauty.

And you are very beautiful.

I know all about your techniques with the ladies you burgle.

So the...

Really no need.

You needn't bother.

Just to set the record straight, my name's Judy Marvin. I'm an insurance

investigator and this entire evening has been an elaborate charade in order to

bait you because you've nearly cost me my job the way you've been going on the

last few months.

And I sincerely hope that you don't compare me to this little trinket.

It's only a bit of paste and glass run up for the occasion.

I must read one of your books upstairs.

Oh, did you like it?

No.

Oh, now you know why I have to make my living as a jewel thief.

Yeah, not just a jewel thief, I might add. I think it's high time you had a

taste of your own medicine.

Bye.

Who are you calling?

Inspector Smith.

What are you talking about?

You're going to turn me in after a... Of course. What did you expect? That I was

all weak and helpless like the others?

Look, just because you screwed me doesn't alter the fact that you just

burgle me.

Bloody hell! And if you don't want to be permanently damaged, you'd better shut

up.

Hello, Robert.

Yes, it's me.

I'm fine.

He's right here.

Yes, right beside me. Do you want to word with him?

Right.

No, I told you I'm fine.

See you in a bit. Oh, by the way, there's no need to hurry.

I've got him under control.

I estimate that should give us just enough time.

But you better make it a good one, because it's going to be the last you'll

for a while.

You know, Judy, you really are quite a girl.

There's plenty to be said in your favour as well.

God knows how long they'll put me away for.

When I get out, how about teaming up with me?

I mean, just think.

With my skill and your contacts, we could make a fortune.

We'd certainly make a pretty formidable team, I must admit.

I've got a crummy boss anyway.

How about it, then?

Is it a deal?

I'd even be willing to offer marriage if you were willing.

And I can assure you, you're the first girl I've ever said that to.

told them not to hurry to.

I don't want to see you again.

About six months, I should imagine.

Well, I don't suppose any of your other victims will dare give evidence against

you, so that leaves just me.

And what can they convict you of other than simple housebreaking?

What do you mean?

Well, you haven't stolen anything.

Nobody can prove you're the jewel thief without evidence or witnesses.

And by the time I've heard my little piece in court, I should think they'll

you off with a small fine.

Imagine

it.

Grant Henry, the jewel thief.

You've certainly got yourself a story there, haven't you, Guy?

Indeed I have, Inspector.

Listen, I think I'll just whip upstairs and dismantle the equipment.

You know, the speakers and things.

I'll leave that for a couple of my men to do.

Say, is that bothering you? Oh, no, it's no bother. No bother at all.

Of course, they'll still have to prove he's the jewel thief, won't they?

I mean, it won't be so easy.

Well, that's somebody else's problem.

At least we brought him in. As far as I'm concerned, that's all there is to

Whatever happens next, I don't care.

Looks like everything turned out rather well, then.

There's just one question of us,

Jodie.

Sergeant Plinth, could you... Yes, sir, did you want something?

Just make sure everything's all right outside.

Yes, Robert.

Judy, I find you very attractive, you know that.

Thank you, Robert.

As for the way you captured the thief, well, I think you're just wonderful, and

I wondered if you'd be asking too much if I were to ask you if you'd mind if I

asked you to marry me.

Of course not.

I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that.

What you said, uh...

I said, of course not.

I'm sorry, I still... I'm not quite sure whether you... I'm not actually sure

whether you mean yes or no.

I mean, of course I don't mind you asking me to marry you, and I'd love to

accept.

But I've just recently got myself engaged to someone else, actually.

Very recently, in fact.

Oh.

Everything's fine out there, isn't it?

Right, well, we'll be on our way then.

If you should change your mind, or if he should change his mind, you know,

whoever he is, then, you know, perhaps you'd give me a call.

I'll just go and give Guy a hand upstairs, then.

Can't wait to see what he's like.

I mean, you must have been bloody good to keep all those women quiet.

Never mind that.

It's like the money we're going to get flogging the prince.

I hope he kept the light on while we're at it.