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00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:03,571
Previously
on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...
Let's delve into your childhood.
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00:00:03,604 --> 00:00:05,339
Oh, I was afraid you'd say that.
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00:00:05,373 --> 00:00:07,641
I used to like her.
You still do.
4
00:00:07,675 --> 00:00:09,443
I don't want to be
your back-up plan.
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00:00:09,477 --> 00:00:11,179
I am bi-sexual!
6
00:00:11,212 --> 00:00:13,514
I'm going for drinks
with this gay man
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00:00:13,547 --> 00:00:14,615
whom I have a crush on.
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00:00:14,648 --> 00:00:16,717
This could be the biggest case
the county's ever seen.
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00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:19,653
I must find in favor of the
defendants-- Greater City Water.
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00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:21,255
I'm from the metro
desk at the paper.
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00:00:21,289 --> 00:00:22,390
This should help
get you started.
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00:00:22,423 --> 00:00:23,457
These are e-mails that clearly
13
00:00:23,491 --> 00:00:24,425
expose a cover-up.
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00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:26,260
You tried really hard today.
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00:00:26,294 --> 00:00:27,695
I wanted you to
be proud of me.
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00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:30,531
I didn't know
you thought about me that much.
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00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:35,536
* I was working hard
at a New York job *
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* Making dough
but it made me blue *
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00:00:37,405 --> 00:00:38,839
* One day I was crying a lot
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* And so I decided to move
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00:00:40,308 --> 00:00:41,742
* To West Covina, California
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00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:43,244
* Brand-new pals
and new career *
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00:00:43,277 --> 00:00:45,513
* It happens to be
where Josh lives *
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00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:48,082
* But that's not why I'm here
25
00:00:48,116 --> 00:00:50,218
* She's the crazy
ex-girlfriend *
What? No, I'm not.
26
00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:51,685
* She's the crazy
ex-girlfriend *
27
00:00:51,719 --> 00:00:52,686
That's a sexist term.
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00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,455
* She's the crazy
ex-girlfriend *
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00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:55,523
Can you guys stop singing
for just a second?
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00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:58,326
* She's so broken inside *
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00:00:58,359 --> 00:00:59,627
The situation's a lot more
nuanced than that.
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00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:01,695
* C-R-A-Z-Y *
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00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:03,331
Okay! We get it!
34
00:01:03,364 --> 00:01:05,699
* Crazy ex-girlfriend. *
35
00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:07,735
*
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00:01:14,775 --> 00:01:15,843
(sighs)
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00:01:17,645 --> 00:01:18,779
(sighs deeply)
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00:01:24,252 --> 00:01:25,586
(laughs)
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00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:28,622
(giggles)
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00:01:28,656 --> 00:01:31,592
(mutters quietly)
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(sniffles)
Okay...
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00:01:37,565 --> 00:01:39,567
What happened?
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00:01:45,406 --> 00:01:47,875
Dude, bro, what happened?
44
00:01:47,908 --> 00:01:50,644
God, it was such
a magical kiss.
45
00:01:50,678 --> 00:01:53,281
Oh, my gosh, it transported
me to a different world,
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00:01:53,314 --> 00:01:56,584
like where they shoot the
fun parts of Game of Thrones.
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00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:58,752
Okay, so, so why are you at
my house? I mean, I watched it
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00:01:58,786 --> 00:01:59,820
happen, and I took off,
'cause I figured
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00:01:59,853 --> 00:02:01,855
you two would be having
stand-up sex in the shower
50
00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:03,357
of a very nice
bed-and-breakfast by now.
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00:02:03,391 --> 00:02:04,492
I don't... I don't know.
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00:02:04,525 --> 00:02:07,895
Uh, he just bailed.
He said he had to go somewhere.
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00:02:07,928 --> 00:02:09,663
I don't know where he is
or what he's thinking.
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00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:10,631
JOSH:
After the kiss, I just bailed.
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00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:12,366
I'm riddled
with guilt.
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00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:13,701
It's killing me!
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00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:15,703
I'm in a committed
relationship, FB.
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00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:17,771
I live with Valencia.
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00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:19,807
What do I do?
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00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:22,210
Bro, do you remember,
in the second grade,
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00:02:22,243 --> 00:02:24,545
when we had that
class bunny, Carrots?
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00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:26,780
Um... yeah?
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00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:29,817
Okay, yeah, well, when it was
my week to take care of her,
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00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:32,753
I, um... I accidentally
dropped her in the toilet.
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00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:35,489
And, uh, I freaked out so much
that I panicked,
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00:02:35,523 --> 00:02:38,492
and then, I flushed.
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00:02:38,526 --> 00:02:39,693
But, uh, you know,
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00:02:39,727 --> 00:02:41,295
her baby bunny body
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00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:42,930
just clogged that toilet up.
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00:02:42,963 --> 00:02:45,199
Um, and then,
here comes my dad
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00:02:45,233 --> 00:02:47,201
with the plunger,
and then up comes the corpse.
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00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:48,702
(sighs)
So, I told everybody
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00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:49,603
that my brother Eric did it.
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00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:51,272
He was only four years old,
you know,
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00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:52,740
so, like, everybody believed me.
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00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:54,642
It was so easy. It...
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It was the perfect crime.
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00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,345
Yeah.
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00:02:57,378 --> 00:02:59,747
I blamed my baby brother
for that baby bunny body.
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00:03:00,748 --> 00:03:01,749
(snickering)
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00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:06,754
Dude, are you
stoned right now?
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00:03:06,787 --> 00:03:09,323
(sniffles, sighs)
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00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:10,358
Yeah.
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00:03:10,391 --> 00:03:12,426
Oh, bro...
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00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:13,694
I got a bad back.
It's awesome.
(sighs)
86
00:03:13,727 --> 00:03:15,629
Listen, Josh, would you
just focus for a second?
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00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:18,732
I was consumed by guilt
for years because
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00:03:18,766 --> 00:03:20,968
that was the first step
in my baby brother becoming,
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00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:22,870
like, a hardcore
heroin addict, you know?
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00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:24,872
And then one day,
I realized
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00:03:24,905 --> 00:03:27,441
I had to ask for forgiveness.
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00:03:28,776 --> 00:03:30,678
And that was hard...
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00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:34,248
because that cult was
on an island.
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00:03:34,282 --> 00:03:36,650
But I did it, I found him,
and I confessed,
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00:03:36,684 --> 00:03:39,953
and much like the Madonna--
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00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:42,456
he forgave me.
97
00:03:42,490 --> 00:03:44,825
And that's why
I'm a priest, man.
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00:03:46,694 --> 00:03:50,298
Go to the person you have
wronged, my son, my brah.
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00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:53,701
Perhaps they will forgive.
100
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:56,704
Dude, we're talking
about Valencia.
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00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:58,706
Mm... Yeah, you're screwed.
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00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,441
Sorry.
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00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:06,347
We have to celebrate.
Your first kiss!
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00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:07,715
I think I have...
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00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:10,784
sparkling apple cider
somewh-- aha!
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00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:14,388
Expires... 2012.
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00:04:14,422 --> 00:04:16,690
Perfect. Should be
alcohol by now.
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00:04:16,724 --> 00:04:18,559
(laughter)
This...
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00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:20,761
is my favorite part
of a romantic comedy.
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00:04:20,794 --> 00:04:25,633
It's like you're Kate Hudson,
and Josh is this British actor
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00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:28,602
that, like, no one's ever
heard of, but is super cute,
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00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:31,405
and Valencia is the skinny bitch
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00:04:31,439 --> 00:04:33,541
who ends up getting
just what she deserves.
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00:04:33,574 --> 00:04:35,676
I kind of saw it
as a fairy tale
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00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:36,910
where I'm the spunky princess,
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00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:39,680
Josh is the handsome prince
who gets turned into a stone,
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00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:42,716
and Valencia is the witch
who turned him into that stone.
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00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:45,018
You have put a lot of thought
into this narrative.
I have.
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00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:46,887
(ringtone plays)
Hmm. Oh!
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00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:49,390
Crap. Hold on.
121
00:04:49,423 --> 00:04:52,426
Hi, Dr. Akopian.
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00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:54,762
Okay, yes, I'm aware we
have an appointment tonight,
123
00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:57,365
and I have to cancel.
124
00:04:57,398 --> 00:04:59,099
I know there's a
cancellation fee.
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00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,369
I will pay it,
I will reschedule.
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00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:03,471
I'm so sorry. Bye.
Have a good night.
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00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:04,872
Ew. I feel bad.
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00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:06,340
I keep cancelling
with my shrink.
129
00:05:06,374 --> 00:05:07,841
I just don't have any time.
130
00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:09,577
God knows why you have a shrink
in the first place
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00:05:09,610 --> 00:05:11,579
when you have me.
I give such great advice.
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00:05:11,612 --> 00:05:13,747
Now let's drink
this old expired apple juice.
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00:05:13,781 --> 00:05:15,115
(inhales, exhales)
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00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:17,685
Paula, it's weird;
I haven't heard
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00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:18,819
anything from Josh.
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00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:20,020
Maybe I'll call him just once,
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00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:21,489
or, like, send him,
like, a flirty text.
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00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:24,525
No. No. Oh, God, God, no.
139
00:05:24,558 --> 00:05:26,394
Have you never seen
a two-and-half star movie?
140
00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:28,962
Right now,
he has to come to you.
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00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:30,964
The most important thing
is that you don't call,
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00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:34,902
you don't e-mail,
you don't reach out in any way.
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00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:36,804
Okay, fine.
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00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:40,508
I have a lot of work
to do anyway.
Good. Cheers.
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00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:42,843
(sighs)
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00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:45,746
REBECCA:
"Client agrees to keep the land
147
00:05:45,779 --> 00:05:47,981
in accordance
with all policy..."
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00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:49,149
Bored!
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00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,584
Oh, boy.
150
00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:51,919
This is a dilemma.
151
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:54,422
Josh loves red pandas
so much, and this one...
152
00:05:54,455 --> 00:05:56,690
I mean, if I don't send it,
it's almost mean.
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00:05:56,724 --> 00:05:57,858
You know, I think even
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00:05:57,891 --> 00:05:59,760
Paula would understand.
I have to send this to him.
155
00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,495
Oh, what am I talking about?
I shouldn't.
156
00:06:01,529 --> 00:06:02,530
He's probably already seen it!
157
00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:03,697
Because everyone knows
he likes red pandas.
158
00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:07,935
You know, and he's probably
gotten this photo a lot.
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00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:09,470
Aah! What if he hasn't?
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00:06:09,503 --> 00:06:10,904
Oh, and it's the cutest one.
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00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:13,441
Then I'm the jerk.
Then it's on me.
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00:06:13,474 --> 00:06:15,509
Maybe I'll print it out
and mail it anonymously?
163
00:06:15,543 --> 00:06:16,944
I gotta stop. I gotta stop.
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00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:17,978
I have to think
about something besides...
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00:06:18,011 --> 00:06:19,413
(knocking on door)
JOSH: Rebecca?
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00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:20,648
It's Josh!
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00:06:20,681 --> 00:06:23,951
Oh, my God, it worked.
168
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,653
I'm coming! I'm coming!
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00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:26,754
Yup!
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00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:32,059
Do you have a minute?
171
00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:33,594
(sighs)
172
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:39,900
I feel overdressed.
(laughs)
173
00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:41,902
(laughs)
174
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:44,872
Those pajamas are cute.
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00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:47,007
I like the little sushi on 'em.
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00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:48,008
Oh. (laughs)
177
00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:50,644
Arigato.
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00:06:50,678 --> 00:06:51,879
Oh. (laughs)
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00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:54,147
It's... (laughs)
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00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:58,185
Oh... So, look, uh, we have
to talk about that kiss.
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00:06:58,218 --> 00:07:00,120
Yes, yes. Yes, we do.
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00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:01,955
I... (sighs)
183
00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:04,124
Yes.
I...
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00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:07,595
...can't stop thinking about it.
185
00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:09,997
Me, neither.
I mean, it was...
186
00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:11,565
Yeah, no. It-it was.
187
00:07:11,599 --> 00:07:14,568
Rebecca, I feel something
for you.
188
00:07:14,602 --> 00:07:17,070
Oh, my God, yes, yes. Wow.
189
00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:19,473
We obviously have
some kind of connection.
190
00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:22,042
No, we absolutely have a
connection, Josh, and I feel...
191
00:07:22,075 --> 00:07:23,511
Aah! I feel so many things.
192
00:07:23,544 --> 00:07:25,078
But kissing you was wrong.
193
00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:27,915
Sorry. What?
194
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:30,584
I have a girlfriend,
you have a boyfriend.
195
00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:33,521
Who? Oh, uh, no.
196
00:07:33,554 --> 00:07:35,055
No, no, no, no, no.
We-we broke up.
197
00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:36,924
Wait. Trent? Tonight?
Because of me?
198
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:40,060
No. He's tall. He...
It doesn't matter. He's dead.
199
00:07:40,093 --> 00:07:41,962
Just don't think about him.
Keep talking.
200
00:07:41,995 --> 00:07:44,031
But I-I shouldn't
have cheated. I...
201
00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:46,099
Now there's only
one thing to do.
202
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:48,836
Follow your heart...?
203
00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:49,970
I have to tell Valencia.
204
00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:53,006
And if I tell her,
she's definitely
205
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,108
gonna break up with me,
like, definitely.
206
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:57,110
She will?
207
00:07:57,144 --> 00:08:02,215
Our kiss will end
everything between me and V.
208
00:08:02,249 --> 00:08:05,719
Well, uh, that's, uh...
209
00:08:05,753 --> 00:08:08,021
You know, that's terribly sad.
210
00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:11,058
Telling her is the
right thing to do.
211
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:14,862
Even if it means ending
the relationship.
212
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:16,864
Wow.
213
00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:20,901
So, uh, so then...
so then, what happens?
214
00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:22,169
Oh, well, then I go to Hawaii.
215
00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:24,271
What?
Hector's
216
00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:27,074
in a surf competition,
and some of us are coming along.
217
00:08:27,107 --> 00:08:28,976
Oh, thank God.
218
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:31,211
The drama happens,
then I get to just
219
00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:35,082
get away for a while, hop on
flight 425 to Maui on Thursday.
220
00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:37,017
Then I'll be
in Hawaii just
221
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:41,221
watching the sunset,
wondering about the future.
222
00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:43,156
Right, um...
223
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,926
your future.
224
00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:48,996
I'm sorry, Rebecca.
(groans)
225
00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:52,633
I, I-I shouldn't have done
what I did, any of it.
226
00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:55,002
I shouldn't have grabbed you,
227
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:57,037
or squeezed you, or...
228
00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:59,607
put my hand on the
nape of your neck,
229
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:02,610
or run it through
your hair.
230
00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:06,113
What else?
What else did you do?
231
00:09:07,615 --> 00:09:09,149
I-I have to go.
232
00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:12,853
(groans)
233
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:17,157
(sighs)
234
00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:19,059
What happens next?
235
00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:21,729
What happens next
in-in your stupid movies?
236
00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,897
Uh, I think it's obvious.
237
00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:27,635
You go bikini shopping
and try on floppy hats.
238
00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:28,969
Why?
239
00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:31,304
Because you're going
to Hawaii, you idiot!
240
00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:33,674
Ladies, hey,
you two chatty Cathys.
241
00:09:33,707 --> 00:09:34,975
It's time for the staff meeting.
242
00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:36,076
Okay, hold on, Darryl.
Darryl...
243
00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:39,079
God. Rebecca, listen,
244
00:09:39,112 --> 00:09:40,881
you are at
the grand gesture moment.
245
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,750
It is the best part
of any rom com.
246
00:09:42,783 --> 00:09:44,017
Okay, it's the...
it's the...
247
00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:45,753
get up on stage
and sing the song,
248
00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:47,087
and-and run through the rain
249
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,321
and show up
and object at the wedding,
250
00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:50,123
and-and... and race
to the airport
251
00:09:50,157 --> 00:09:51,692
before he leaves for Kazakhstan.
252
00:09:51,725 --> 00:09:52,860
Wait. No, he's
going to Hawaii.
253
00:09:52,893 --> 00:09:54,862
Rebecca, go to your office,
254
00:09:54,895 --> 00:09:57,364
get a ticket
on that flight right now.
255
00:09:57,397 --> 00:10:00,400
I don't know-- are you
sure this is a good idea?
256
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:01,969
Yes, I know these things.
257
00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:05,205
I am your funny best friend
with all the answers, okay?
258
00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:07,975
I'm your Judy Greer, your
Rosie O'Donnell, your-your...
259
00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:10,210
(gasps)
your Joan Cusack.
You know what?
260
00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:12,012
In my narrative,
I'd picture you
261
00:10:12,045 --> 00:10:13,180
as, like, the funny
singing raccoon.
262
00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:15,215
Of course you did.
That's not an insult.
263
00:10:15,248 --> 00:10:17,751
You have the breakout
song of the whole movie.
Just go get the ticket!
264
00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:20,120
Okay, I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it!
(both laughing)
265
00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:22,155
You know what?
As the kids say,
266
00:10:22,189 --> 00:10:24,024
I'm gonna YOLO before I FOMO.
267
00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:26,359
Is that yogurt?
What is that?
I saw it on a meme.
268
00:10:26,393 --> 00:10:27,160
I have no idea what that...
269
00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:28,395
Nor do I care.
Go get the ticket.
270
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:42,042
(exhaling deeply)
271
00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:44,411
Hi, honey.
272
00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:46,079
Nothing's wrong. What?
273
00:10:46,113 --> 00:10:47,948
(sighs) You've been acting
all weird today.
274
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:48,949
What's wrong?
275
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:51,251
I-I-I don't know
276
00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:52,853
what you're talking about.
(scoffs)
277
00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:54,187
You already worked out
this morning,
278
00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:56,156
and now you're going
to the gym again?
279
00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:58,391
A man can't go to CrossFit
for six hours?
280
00:10:58,425 --> 00:10:59,927
Big things are happening there.
281
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,228
We're doing the Murph today.
282
00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:02,863
Okay.
283
00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:05,332
(sighs)
284
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:09,269
Actually, um,
285
00:11:09,302 --> 00:11:10,403
there is something I wanted
286
00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:12,305
to talk to you about.
Maybe we should...
287
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,307
talk after your evening class.
288
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:15,976
Oh, honey,
I'm gonna be late tonight.
289
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:17,377
I'm doing
that cryotherapy thing.
290
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:18,912
We'll talk
about it tomorrow, then.
291
00:11:18,946 --> 00:11:19,913
That's even better. Good!
292
00:11:19,947 --> 00:11:20,914
That's even better. Good!
293
00:11:20,948 --> 00:11:22,816
No kiss?
(door shuts)
294
00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:24,351
Hmm.
295
00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:26,754
(gasps)
I wonder what's going on.
296
00:11:26,787 --> 00:11:29,156
(squeals)
297
00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:32,459
Okay, people...
298
00:11:32,492 --> 00:11:34,127
no beating around the bush.
299
00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:36,263
Let's get to why we're here.
300
00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:38,365
Um, hi, everyone.
301
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:40,500
Uh, since this is
my first staff meeting,
302
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:42,836
I thought I'd give everybody
a big hello.
303
00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:44,171
My name is Maya.
304
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,473
I'm the new
administrative assistant.
305
00:11:46,506 --> 00:11:48,075
And a little about me--
306
00:11:48,108 --> 00:11:51,111
um, I love online shopping
and kale salads and...
307
00:11:51,144 --> 00:11:53,113
Maya, this is not the time.
308
00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:54,381
This is not about you.
309
00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:55,415
Okay?
310
00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:56,449
Please.
311
00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:58,218
Is everybody onboard? Great.
312
00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:00,520
I want you all to listen
really hard now.
313
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,055
I mean, really listen.
314
00:12:02,089 --> 00:12:03,090
Like, with both your ears.
315
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:04,424
Okay, Darryl, spit it out.
316
00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:05,893
Okay, well,
I'm sure you've noticed
317
00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:07,194
that I've been going
through a lot lately.
318
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:08,962
And I know
you've often wondered:
319
00:12:08,996 --> 00:12:11,364
"Who is Darryl, really?"
320
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:12,165
Nope, never.
321
00:12:12,199 --> 00:12:13,166
Darryl, until February,
322
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,234
I thought your name was Jasper.
323
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:19,807
Okay, pre-purchase Wi-Fi
to save seven dollars, yes.
324
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,474
Dietary restrictions.
325
00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:23,343
You betcha.
326
00:12:29,382 --> 00:12:30,818
DARRYL:
You know,
327
00:12:30,851 --> 00:12:33,020
there are times when I look
out these windows,
328
00:12:33,053 --> 00:12:34,354
and I know you're all thinking,
329
00:12:34,387 --> 00:12:36,356
"What makes the measure
of this man?"
330
00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:38,358
Oh, my God,
you'd better be dying!
331
00:12:38,391 --> 00:12:40,828
Look, I called you all here
332
00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:43,030
to tell you,
333
00:12:43,063 --> 00:12:45,933
with pride and excitement...
334
00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:47,434
and a lot of pride,
335
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:50,503
about the new and improved
Darryl C. Whitefeather.
336
00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:52,505
Jim, give me a beat.
337
00:12:52,539 --> 00:12:54,574
Sorry, what?
338
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,409
When somebody asks for a beat
you just, you don't ask
339
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:57,677
a lot of questions.
You just get down on it.
340
00:12:57,710 --> 00:13:00,413
Oh, you want, like, a syncopated
thing or, like, a vibey thing?
341
00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:02,149
Just do it. Hmm?
342
00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:07,487
('80s pop rock song plays)
343
00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:13,827
* I don't know how
344
00:13:13,861 --> 00:13:15,462
* I don't know why
345
00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:17,330
* But I like ladies
346
00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:18,598
* And I like guys
347
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,467
* I realize
348
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,602
* It's a surprise
349
00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:24,571
* But now I see that
that's just me *
350
00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:26,473
* It's not like I even try
351
00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:30,110
* So if you ask me
how I'm doing *
352
00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:32,079
* Here is my reply
353
00:13:32,112 --> 00:13:33,947
* I'm g-g-g-g-gettin' bi
354
00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:36,483
* I'm getting bi
355
00:13:36,516 --> 00:13:39,186
* Oh, yeah,
I'm lettin' my bi flag fly *
356
00:13:39,219 --> 00:13:41,488
* Not gonna hide it
357
00:13:41,521 --> 00:13:42,956
* Not gonna lie
358
00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:45,192
* I'm a bi kind of guy
359
00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:47,060
* There's no reason
to be shy *
360
00:13:47,094 --> 00:13:48,528
* My, oh, my
361
00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:50,630
* It's a fact I can't deny
362
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:53,833
* I'm bi, bi, bi,
until the day I die *
363
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:58,571
* Now some may say
364
00:13:58,605 --> 00:14:00,240
* Are you just gay?
365
00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:03,276
* Why don't you just go gay
all the way? *
366
00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:05,578
* But that's not it
367
00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:06,947
* 'Cause bi's legit
368
00:14:06,980 --> 00:14:09,016
* Whether you're a he or a she
369
00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:10,650
* We might be a perfect fit
370
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:12,519
* And one more thing
371
00:14:12,552 --> 00:14:14,421
* I tell you what
372
00:14:14,454 --> 00:14:17,590
* Being bi does not imply
that you're a player or a slut *
373
00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:19,059
* Sure, I like sex
374
00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:20,193
Please make him stop.
375
00:14:21,328 --> 00:14:22,662
* But I'm no ho,
I take things slow *
376
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:25,098
* Until I feel at ease
377
00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:29,636
* So if you ask me
how I'm doing *
378
00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:32,305
* I'm feeling peppy,
sprightly, spry *
379
00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:34,207
* I'm g-g-g-g-gettin' bi
380
00:14:34,241 --> 00:14:35,943
* I'm gettin' bi
381
00:14:35,976 --> 00:14:39,279
* And it's something
I'd like to demystify *
382
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:41,581
* It's not a phase
383
00:14:41,614 --> 00:14:43,316
* I'm not confused
384
00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:44,584
* Not indecisive
385
00:14:44,617 --> 00:14:46,419
* I don't have
the gotta-choose blues *
386
00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:50,257
* I don't care if you wear
high heels or a tie *
387
00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:52,092
* You might just catch my eye
388
00:14:52,125 --> 00:14:53,927
* Because I'm definitely bi
389
00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:54,694
* Big man!
390
00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:57,164
(instrumental interlude)
391
00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:03,971
* I'm gettin' bi
392
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:05,672
* I'm gettin' bi...
393
00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:07,474
* I'm gettin' bi
394
00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:09,209
* I'm gettin' bi...
395
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:10,310
* I'm gettin' bi
396
00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:12,579
* I'm gettin' bi...
397
00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:14,581
* It doesn't take
an intellectual *
398
00:15:14,614 --> 00:15:16,516
* To get that I'm bisexual.
399
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:24,057
(song ends)
400
00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:26,659
Any questions?
401
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,730
Oh, come on.
You guys aren't weirded out
402
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:32,365
because I'm bisexual, are you?
403
00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:34,467
No, we're weirded out
by the fact that our boss
404
00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:36,169
just called a meeting
to tell us that.
405
00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:36,703
MAYA:
Um...
406
00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:38,571
Hi, everyone, again.
407
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,073
I know that this is
408
00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:41,975
a little personal
for my first week here,
409
00:15:42,009 --> 00:15:43,743
but I'm also bisexual,
410
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:47,114
and I am so glad that
this office is so open...
411
00:15:47,147 --> 00:15:48,248
Does anyone else have
any other questions
412
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:50,383
besides Maya, who seems
to think that every meeting
413
00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:52,252
is about her for some reason?
414
00:15:53,253 --> 00:15:54,387
Jim.
415
00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:55,455
Are you sure
you're not just gay?
416
00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:56,556
Oh, my God.
417
00:15:56,589 --> 00:15:57,724
Did you not hear what I said?
418
00:15:57,757 --> 00:15:59,292
Come on!
419
00:15:59,326 --> 00:16:01,561
Guys, this is important.
420
00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:02,762
Are there any other questions?
421
00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:03,763
JIM:
Whoa.
422
00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:04,764
This is weird.
423
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,466
Hey, guys, look at this.
424
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,369
I don't believe it.
425
00:16:09,402 --> 00:16:10,703
Bunch is some kind of hero.
426
00:16:10,737 --> 00:16:12,505
(laughing):
Oh, my God!
427
00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:13,406
This is perfect.
428
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:17,210
Now she can lip-sync
on a parade float!
429
00:16:17,244 --> 00:16:19,346
So, we're moving on
from my stuff, then.
430
00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:21,381
Cool.
431
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,488
(footsteps approaching)
432
00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:31,158
Wow, you are really having
the best day ever!
433
00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:32,792
You know that evidence you gave
to the reporter?
434
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:33,760
It's touched off a landslide.
435
00:16:33,793 --> 00:16:35,295
Have you seen this?
436
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:40,700
What's wrong?
437
00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:42,269
Um, okay, uh, what's wrong
438
00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:43,803
is I was trying to buy
the ticket for Hawaii,
439
00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:45,138
and so I tried
440
00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:46,206
all of my credit cards,
441
00:16:46,239 --> 00:16:47,407
and then I tried my debit card,
442
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:48,275
and then I checked
my bank account--
443
00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:49,309
which according
to the welcome screen,
444
00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:52,412
I haven't done since 2011--
and now I'm seeing
445
00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:55,148
my balance, and, Paula,
guess what's in there. Guess.
446
00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:56,649
It's a negative number, Paula.
It's negative a lot.
447
00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:57,784
(sighs)
448
00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:59,452
Holy Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Paula.
449
00:16:59,486 --> 00:17:00,487
Am I broke?
450
00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:13,066
How could you be broke?
451
00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:14,301
You're rich.
452
00:17:14,334 --> 00:17:15,302
That's what I thought.
453
00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:17,370
Yo, Bunch.
454
00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:18,805
Guy from the Mayor's Office
is here for you.
455
00:17:18,838 --> 00:17:19,906
It's the mayor.
456
00:17:19,939 --> 00:17:21,808
He wants to give you the key
to the city or something.
457
00:17:21,841 --> 00:17:23,243
Uh, yeah, okay.
458
00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:24,411
I'll be right there.
459
00:17:24,444 --> 00:17:26,179
Okay.
460
00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:27,580
I don't understand this.
461
00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:29,316
How am I broke?
I can't be broke.
462
00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:30,750
I mean, all right, sure,
since I moved here,
463
00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:32,652
maybe I've spent a little money
here and there.
464
00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:33,853
So I got this treadmill desk.
465
00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:35,855
That was, like, $2,000 mistake?
466
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,357
I pledge $1,000.
467
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:38,858
And it's really fine.
468
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:41,161
I-I-I got it.
MAN: Good thing
the drinks are free.
469
00:17:41,628 --> 00:17:44,097
Here you go.
470
00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:45,665
I'm gonna go to the bank,
withdraw $10,000
471
00:17:45,698 --> 00:17:48,401
and plant it
in your wife's suitcase.
472
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:51,504
Well, you had a huge salary
in New York.
473
00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:53,173
What about your savings?
474
00:17:53,206 --> 00:17:55,675
(groans)
I never worried about saving.
475
00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:58,111
You know what, I keep forgetting
that you are so smart
476
00:17:58,145 --> 00:17:59,779
and so not smart!
477
00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:01,181
I just never had to think
about money.
478
00:18:01,214 --> 00:18:02,782
You don't think about money.
479
00:18:02,815 --> 00:18:05,152
Wow, that must free up
some time.
480
00:18:05,185 --> 00:18:06,153
Paula?
481
00:18:06,186 --> 00:18:07,820
I can't go. There's no running
to Kazakhstan.
482
00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:10,657
Hawaii is out.
What?
483
00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:13,126
No. Okay, Rebecca, let me
explain something to you.
484
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,594
You have a window,
485
00:18:14,627 --> 00:18:17,764
and that window is Hawaii!
486
00:18:17,797 --> 00:18:19,466
I can't afford to go
to Hawaii right now.
487
00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:21,368
I can't even afford
to buy a pack of Skittles!
488
00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:22,735
Okay, look,
I would give you the money,
489
00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:23,870
but I don't have any money.
490
00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:24,837
(knocking)
JIM: Rebecca.
491
00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:25,772
The mayor doesn't have all day.
492
00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:27,574
Or maybe he does.
Yeah, he probably does.
493
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:28,908
But he's out here.
494
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:30,677
(sighs)
495
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:34,181
Here she is right now.
496
00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:35,482
Rebecca.
497
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,918
You are an inspiration,
a model citizen,
498
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:41,188
and we would be thrilled
to give you the key to the city.
499
00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:43,590
Oh, wow.
500
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,892
That, what, that's great.
501
00:18:45,925 --> 00:18:47,560
Key to the city.
502
00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:49,429
Uh, question,
is there a cash prize
503
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:50,863
associated with that?
504
00:18:50,897 --> 00:18:52,532
No.
505
00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:53,933
Sorry, okay.
506
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:55,868
I don't know how things work.
507
00:18:57,304 --> 00:18:58,871
CHRIS: She's looking
sharp in that suit.
508
00:18:58,905 --> 00:19:01,874
It really highlights her brains
and tactical thinking skills.
509
00:19:01,908 --> 00:19:03,643
(sighs)
Is she still single?
510
00:19:03,676 --> 00:19:04,811
Who cares? Who knows?
511
00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:06,746
I don't even think
about that anymore.
512
00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:08,681
Why not?
Didn't you go all the way to LA
513
00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:09,882
just to tell her you dig her?
514
00:19:09,916 --> 00:19:11,284
Yes, I did, Chris.
515
00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:13,853
And it did not work out.
516
00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:16,589
'Cause life isn't
a two-and-a-half-star movie.
517
00:19:16,623 --> 00:19:17,924
I made a grand gesture,
518
00:19:17,957 --> 00:19:19,626
I made a fool out of myself,
519
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:23,196
because that's what happens when
you emulate stupid rom coms.
520
00:19:23,230 --> 00:19:25,298
So you and Heather split up
for no reason?
521
00:19:25,332 --> 00:19:26,566
Ouch.
522
00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:28,968
And now you have to
work together?
523
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,403
I might take my root beer to go.
524
00:19:30,437 --> 00:19:32,639
It's gonna be a bloodbath
when she shows up.
525
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:33,940
What? No.
526
00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:35,242
There's not gonna be any drama.
527
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:36,809
She broke up with me.
528
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:38,745
Besides, Heather is chill,
529
00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:39,979
mature, tattooed.
530
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:41,581
She's gonna be totally cool
about it.
531
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:43,283
Hit the deck.
532
00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:45,818
Hey, dude.
533
00:19:46,819 --> 00:19:47,920
'Sup, girl?
534
00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:49,589
See?
535
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:52,325
That's how two adults
handle the post-breakup.
536
00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:54,193
Watch and learn.
537
00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:57,730
Okay, Mom.
538
00:19:57,764 --> 00:19:59,266
Love you. Bye.
539
00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:01,668
What was that?
540
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,470
I don't know if she's having
a stroke or something,
541
00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:05,972
but she said she saw
the articles about me online,
542
00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:08,007
and she loves me.
543
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,008
(gasps)
544
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,443
And she's proud of me.
545
00:20:10,477 --> 00:20:12,412
Oh!
And she's sending me
a present.
546
00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:13,546
(gasps) Yay.
547
00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:14,647
I mean,
it's probably rugelach.
548
00:20:14,681 --> 00:20:15,882
Gesundheit.
549
00:20:15,915 --> 00:20:17,016
Come on, you know
what rugelach is.
Nope.
550
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,885
What?
No, what is it?
551
00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:20,453
It's amazing.
It's, like, a dessert.
552
00:20:20,487 --> 00:20:21,554
Oh, all right.
Anyway,
553
00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:23,290
I mean, she's not gonna
be proud of me
554
00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:24,624
now that I'm a pauper.
555
00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:26,493
Okay, you're gonna get
a paycheck next week, right?
556
00:20:26,526 --> 00:20:28,495
I get a paycheck next week?
Wait, for how much?
557
00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:29,962
You don't know how much
you earn?!
558
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:31,498
I'm a lawyer, not an accountant.
559
00:20:31,531 --> 00:20:32,532
Oh...
MAYA:
Everyone.
560
00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:33,566
There's a car
561
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:34,934
right outside the office,
562
00:20:34,967 --> 00:20:36,002
and it's being repossessed.
563
00:20:36,035 --> 00:20:37,470
They're towing it right now.
564
00:20:37,504 --> 00:20:38,938
Does anyone here own
565
00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:41,408
a 2015 Hyundai Sonata?
566
00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:42,041
No!
567
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:43,042
Oh, my God!
568
00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:44,344
Oh, my God, I can't watch.
569
00:20:44,377 --> 00:20:45,612
I can't watch. I can't watch.
570
00:20:45,645 --> 00:20:47,280
My poor little Hyundai.
571
00:20:47,314 --> 00:20:49,282
Oh, my gosh, with its
roomy interior and sporty feel.
572
00:20:49,316 --> 00:20:50,216
Did you pay your lease?
573
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:51,951
I mean, my lease is set
to autopay, but...
574
00:20:51,984 --> 00:20:52,952
You didn't pay your lease.
575
00:20:52,985 --> 00:20:54,587
You know what, unless you have
a time machine,
576
00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:55,588
comments like that
aren't helpful right now.
577
00:20:55,622 --> 00:20:56,923
What do I do?
578
00:20:56,956 --> 00:20:57,757
Uh, maybe I can sell the car.
579
00:20:57,790 --> 00:20:58,925
(stammering)
580
00:20:58,958 --> 00:20:59,926
Wait.
581
00:20:59,959 --> 00:21:01,561
What? Do I not own my car?
582
00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:03,496
Do I not own my car anymore?
583
00:21:03,530 --> 00:21:04,631
Paula?
584
00:21:04,664 --> 00:21:06,299
Paula?
585
00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:07,334
Paula? Paula?
586
00:21:13,072 --> 00:21:15,041
MAN:
Miss? Miss?
587
00:21:15,074 --> 00:21:16,909
Miss, can you help me?
588
00:21:16,943 --> 00:21:18,911
I ordered a vodka
a while ago.
589
00:21:18,945 --> 00:21:20,580
Okay, well, you
made me lose count,
590
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:23,049
so now I have to
start over. Thanks.
591
00:21:23,082 --> 00:21:24,584
Uh, I'll count
them for you.
592
00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:26,052
Just make me a drink?
593
00:21:26,085 --> 00:21:27,587
Hey.
594
00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:28,688
How's it going over here?
595
00:21:28,721 --> 00:21:30,357
I'm just touching
all the cherries.
596
00:21:30,390 --> 00:21:31,758
They feel like eyeballs.
597
00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:32,892
It's so slow
here today.
598
00:21:32,925 --> 00:21:34,894
I have, like,
nothing to do.
599
00:21:34,927 --> 00:21:36,896
This is nice.
600
00:21:36,929 --> 00:21:39,566
Us being cool,
working side-by-side.
601
00:21:39,599 --> 00:21:41,100
Yep.
602
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,102
A lot of people would think
this would be awkward between us
603
00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:44,737
because we used to...
604
00:21:47,039 --> 00:21:48,541
You know what
we used to do.
605
00:21:48,575 --> 00:21:49,909
But it's totally fine.
606
00:21:49,942 --> 00:21:51,778
Oh, yeah.
607
00:21:51,811 --> 00:21:54,447
Besides, it's not like we were,
like, serious or anything.
608
00:21:54,481 --> 00:21:55,748
We were just having fun, right?
609
00:21:55,782 --> 00:21:57,384
Yeah.
610
00:21:57,417 --> 00:21:58,718
Yeah.
611
00:21:58,751 --> 00:21:59,919
So what happened
with you and Rebecca?
612
00:21:59,952 --> 00:22:01,921
Oh, it's...
(sighs)
613
00:22:01,954 --> 00:22:04,457
Didn't work out, but...
614
00:22:04,491 --> 00:22:06,025
Cool.
615
00:22:06,058 --> 00:22:08,695
Cool.
616
00:22:08,728 --> 00:22:10,630
Well, you'll get her someday.
617
00:22:11,998 --> 00:22:12,965
Rooting for you.
618
00:22:12,999 --> 00:22:14,000
Yeah.
619
00:22:16,002 --> 00:22:18,004
See? That wasn't awkward at all.
620
00:22:19,972 --> 00:22:21,841
Chris?
621
00:22:30,617 --> 00:22:32,552
It's a little awkward.
622
00:22:32,585 --> 00:22:33,886
I'll get it. I'm gonna get it.
623
00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:35,888
(chuckles)
624
00:22:35,922 --> 00:22:38,558
Mmm. That's good.
625
00:22:38,591 --> 00:22:40,026
Whoops.
626
00:22:40,059 --> 00:22:41,828
This place is nice.
627
00:22:41,861 --> 00:22:44,030
I've never been to a place where
they give you your own jacket.
628
00:22:44,063 --> 00:22:45,565
Do I get to keep this?
629
00:22:45,598 --> 00:22:47,500
(laughs)
No.
630
00:22:48,535 --> 00:22:49,502
No?
631
00:22:49,536 --> 00:22:50,503
So listen...
632
00:22:50,537 --> 00:22:52,672
I told everyone at work
about my new situation,
633
00:22:52,705 --> 00:22:54,574
and they were all very excited.
634
00:22:54,607 --> 00:22:56,743
That's great.
To meet you.
635
00:22:56,776 --> 00:22:58,878
Really?
Mm-hmm...
636
00:22:58,911 --> 00:23:01,448
You want me to meet
your coworkers?
Mm-hmm.
637
00:23:01,481 --> 00:23:04,584
You know, that's not a stage
in anyone's relationship.
638
00:23:04,617 --> 00:23:05,918
Oh, what are you talking about?
It'd just be something informal.
639
00:23:05,952 --> 00:23:07,119
Just, like, a little
dinner party.
640
00:23:07,153 --> 00:23:10,890
Uh, honestly, it'll be, like,
what, seven courses, tops.
641
00:23:10,923 --> 00:23:14,427
Look, Darryl, I am really happy
for you coming out,
642
00:23:14,461 --> 00:23:16,062
but I think you need
to relax, kind of.
643
00:23:16,095 --> 00:23:18,064
Relax? I... (scoffs)
I am relaxed.
644
00:23:18,097 --> 00:23:20,900
Why would you think
that I'm not relaxed?
645
00:23:20,933 --> 00:23:22,769
Uh, well, this is
kind of our first date,
646
00:23:22,802 --> 00:23:24,437
and this is the restaurant
where my parents came
647
00:23:24,471 --> 00:23:26,005
for their silver
wedding anniversary.
648
00:23:26,038 --> 00:23:29,008
I think we can just hang out,
you know? No strings.
649
00:23:29,041 --> 00:23:32,445
Maybe go someplace
that's flip-flop friendly.
650
00:23:32,479 --> 00:23:34,847
No strings.
Mm.
651
00:23:34,881 --> 00:23:37,517
Does that mean
you're dating other people?
652
00:23:37,550 --> 00:23:40,019
Well, I'm... I'm not not
dating other people.
653
00:23:40,052 --> 00:23:42,021
(sighs) Double negatives
always stress me out.
654
00:23:42,054 --> 00:23:43,155
I don't know what that means.
655
00:23:43,189 --> 00:23:44,156
Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
656
00:23:44,190 --> 00:23:45,692
I... I just think we should act
657
00:23:45,725 --> 00:23:47,994
like two normal people
who have kissed twice.
658
00:23:48,027 --> 00:23:50,062
You know, you can do
a little exploring,
659
00:23:50,096 --> 00:23:51,163
get on a dating Web site
or something,
660
00:23:51,197 --> 00:23:52,198
see what else is out there.
661
00:23:53,766 --> 00:23:56,736
Okay. Okay.
662
00:23:56,769 --> 00:23:59,238
I feel so much more
relaxed now. Thank you.
663
00:24:03,109 --> 00:24:04,511
May I?
664
00:24:07,580 --> 00:24:10,016
REBECCA: Anyway, I just
really need money right now.
665
00:24:10,049 --> 00:24:12,118
I'll give you ten.
666
00:24:12,151 --> 00:24:14,253
Ten thousand?
667
00:24:14,286 --> 00:24:16,122
Oh, my gosh, that's amazing.
668
00:24:16,155 --> 00:24:17,256
You won't be sorry.
The guy at the store said
669
00:24:17,289 --> 00:24:18,991
it had, like, smart
cushioning or some...
670
00:24:19,025 --> 00:24:20,192
No, ten dollars
671
00:24:20,226 --> 00:24:22,962
And if you lie down naked on it,
I'll give you an extra 25.
672
00:24:22,995 --> 00:24:24,964
I don't even need to be here,
I'll step out.
673
00:24:24,997 --> 00:24:27,233
I just need to know
that it happened.
674
00:24:27,266 --> 00:24:29,201
Okay, buddy,
just leave. Get out.
675
00:24:31,704 --> 00:24:33,205
And come back in a minute.
676
00:24:33,239 --> 00:24:35,074
Being naked's not
a problem for me.
677
00:24:35,107 --> 00:24:37,109
*
678
00:24:50,122 --> 00:24:51,190
(scoffs)
679
00:24:51,223 --> 00:24:54,193
Well, at least I still have
the rugelach from Mom.
680
00:25:03,570 --> 00:25:05,104
Hmm?
681
00:25:08,975 --> 00:25:10,943
No.
682
00:25:10,977 --> 00:25:12,945
*
683
00:25:12,979 --> 00:25:14,681
The Garfinkel ring.
684
00:25:16,182 --> 00:25:18,685
I think my mom is
about to give me...
685
00:25:18,718 --> 00:25:20,687
the Garfinkel ring.
686
00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:23,222
It's been passed down
in my family for generations.
687
00:25:25,124 --> 00:25:27,259
REBECCA: So how much you think
I can get for this?
688
00:25:27,293 --> 00:25:30,262
Oh, also I should mention
that it was used
689
00:25:30,296 --> 00:25:31,798
in conjunction with an ox
690
00:25:31,831 --> 00:25:34,200
to purchase
my great-great-grandmother.
691
00:25:34,233 --> 00:25:36,335
Yeah.
692
00:25:36,368 --> 00:25:38,170
Oh, and just so you know,
I'm gonna come back for it.
693
00:25:38,204 --> 00:25:40,206
I'm only selling this to
you for a couple weeks.
694
00:25:40,239 --> 00:25:41,207
Yeah, sure, great.
695
00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:42,709
I hear that all the time.
696
00:25:45,177 --> 00:25:47,279
So what is it, huh?
What is it?
697
00:25:47,313 --> 00:25:51,150
I mean, what's a pretty showered
girl like you doing here?
698
00:25:51,183 --> 00:25:52,418
It's nothing shady.
699
00:25:52,451 --> 00:25:54,654
I'm just trying to go to Hawaii
with someone else's boyfriend.
700
00:25:54,687 --> 00:25:56,122
That came out wrong.
They're breaking up.
701
00:25:56,155 --> 00:25:57,223
It's a long story.
702
00:25:57,256 --> 00:25:59,759
All's fair in love and war.
703
00:25:59,792 --> 00:26:01,928
But there a casualties in both.
704
00:26:01,961 --> 00:26:03,930
Wow, thank you, Confucius.
705
00:26:03,963 --> 00:26:05,231
Give me the cheddar.
(snaps)
706
00:26:07,266 --> 00:26:08,367
Good luck, princess.
707
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,369
Thank you.
708
00:26:10,402 --> 00:26:12,371
I am a princess.
709
00:26:12,404 --> 00:26:14,373
And I'm also Kate Hudson.
710
00:26:14,406 --> 00:26:16,375
Paula and I didn't settle
on a metaphor.
711
00:26:16,408 --> 00:26:17,910
Never mind.
You don't know Paula.
712
00:26:17,944 --> 00:26:19,078
I'll be back for that.
713
00:26:19,111 --> 00:26:19,879
No. No, you won't.
714
00:26:19,912 --> 00:26:21,147
REBECCA: I'll be
back after Hawaii.
715
00:26:26,052 --> 00:26:27,153
(sighs)
716
00:26:33,225 --> 00:26:34,193
(sighs)
717
00:26:34,226 --> 00:26:35,728
Ooh.
718
00:26:35,762 --> 00:26:37,730
I'm gonna get doughnuts
at the Chinese place.
719
00:26:37,764 --> 00:26:39,065
Yeah.
720
00:26:39,098 --> 00:26:41,400
VALENCIA: Mom, Mom,
this is so exciting.
721
00:26:41,433 --> 00:26:42,769
I am so excited.
722
00:26:42,802 --> 00:26:44,236
I think it's finally
gonna happen.
723
00:26:44,270 --> 00:26:45,772
'Cause Joshy told me
724
00:26:45,805 --> 00:26:47,306
that we were gonna have
a big talk tonight.
725
00:26:47,339 --> 00:26:51,043
I think he's gonna propose, Mom.
726
00:26:51,077 --> 00:26:53,345
(Valencia laughs excitedly)
727
00:26:53,379 --> 00:26:54,881
I'm so excited.
728
00:26:54,914 --> 00:26:56,048
Ugh, I'm so relieved.
729
00:26:56,082 --> 00:26:58,184
I've been getting worried
that something was going on,
730
00:26:58,217 --> 00:27:01,187
but now I realize that
he was just acting nervous
731
00:27:01,220 --> 00:27:03,222
because he was buying me a ring.
732
00:27:03,255 --> 00:27:04,957
(Valencia laughs excitedly)
733
00:27:04,991 --> 00:27:06,793
Yeah, Joshy knows that I have
engagement rings on hold
734
00:27:06,826 --> 00:27:08,127
in every jewelry store in town,
735
00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:09,261
so I know he'll get
the right one.
736
00:27:09,295 --> 00:27:12,098
Josh and I are finally
getting engaged!
737
00:27:12,131 --> 00:27:13,165
I'm gonna celebrate
738
00:27:13,199 --> 00:27:15,234
by smelling the doughnuts
at the Chinese place.
739
00:27:15,267 --> 00:27:18,270
Okay. Love me more. Bye.
740
00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:22,241
God, what have I done?
741
00:27:27,213 --> 00:27:28,815
Okay, you want these shoes
or these shoes
742
00:27:28,848 --> 00:27:31,417
for the key ceremony?
743
00:27:31,450 --> 00:27:33,920
Paula, did you hear
what I just said?
744
00:27:33,953 --> 00:27:36,122
Valencia thinks
she's gonna get proposed to.
745
00:27:36,155 --> 00:27:38,290
And instead she's gonna find out
that she got cheated on.
746
00:27:40,459 --> 00:27:42,428
Um, suddenly I don't
feel so good.
747
00:27:42,461 --> 00:27:44,731
Well, I told you not to get
doughnuts at the Chinese place.
748
00:27:44,764 --> 00:27:46,265
It's not that.
Okay, look.
749
00:27:46,298 --> 00:27:48,901
She is not right for him.
750
00:27:48,935 --> 00:27:50,903
You know this.
751
00:27:50,937 --> 00:27:52,371
She is mean to him.
She doesn't respect him.
752
00:27:52,404 --> 00:27:54,040
She treats him terribly.
753
00:27:54,073 --> 00:27:56,909
Yeah, but they've been
together a long time.
754
00:27:56,943 --> 00:27:58,244
Yeah, too long.
755
00:27:58,277 --> 00:27:59,311
Long enough.
756
00:27:59,345 --> 00:28:01,748
Okay, you have nothing
to feel badly about, okay?
757
00:28:01,781 --> 00:28:03,215
He kissed you.
758
00:28:03,249 --> 00:28:05,117
He is clearly
unhappy.
759
00:28:05,151 --> 00:28:07,854
If you put it in your
fairy tale metaphor,
760
00:28:07,887 --> 00:28:10,857
this is the part where the funny
singing raccoon comes along
761
00:28:10,890 --> 00:28:12,191
and says, "You're the princess,
762
00:28:12,224 --> 00:28:15,461
and you get to rescue
the prince from the tower."
763
00:28:15,494 --> 00:28:17,129
You're right. You're right.
764
00:28:17,163 --> 00:28:18,464
Thank you.
You're right.
765
00:28:18,497 --> 00:28:19,966
It's not a good relationship.
766
00:28:19,999 --> 00:28:21,167
So put some shoes on.
767
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:22,168
(snaps)
Let's go.
768
00:28:22,201 --> 00:28:24,837
I... I gotta text Josh.
769
00:28:24,871 --> 00:28:26,305
And I gotta tell him
not to tell Valencia.
770
00:28:26,338 --> 00:28:27,506
It's just the right thing to do.
771
00:28:27,539 --> 00:28:29,375
What?! Are you insane?!
772
00:28:29,408 --> 00:28:30,376
Give me that.
773
00:28:30,409 --> 00:28:31,310
(both talking at once)
774
00:28:31,343 --> 00:28:32,678
Give me back my phone!
775
00:28:32,711 --> 00:28:35,014
No! Give it back to me!
Uh, now, listen, you
are not gonna stop him
776
00:28:35,047 --> 00:28:36,082
Give it here!
telling her
about the kiss.
777
00:28:36,115 --> 00:28:38,084
We want them
to break up.
778
00:28:38,117 --> 00:28:39,051
I swear to God I will...
779
00:28:39,085 --> 00:28:40,319
Ha-ha! Got your phone.
780
00:28:40,352 --> 00:28:41,821
Ha-ha! Got your car keys.
What?
781
00:28:41,854 --> 00:28:45,057
Meet you at the ceremony.
Take a cab. I'll pay you back.
Are you k...?
782
00:28:45,091 --> 00:28:48,761
This never happened
to Rosie O'Donnell.
783
00:28:48,795 --> 00:28:50,396
*
784
00:28:57,804 --> 00:28:59,839
(Josh and Valencia
talking, muffled)
785
00:29:01,507 --> 00:29:04,210
JOSH (muffled): I should've
known better-- I kissed Rebecca.
786
00:29:04,243 --> 00:29:07,179
You did what? You kissed her?!
787
00:29:07,213 --> 00:29:09,081
I-I feel terrible. I...
You feel terrible.
788
00:29:09,115 --> 00:29:10,316
I got caught up
in the moment in court.
789
00:29:10,349 --> 00:29:12,418
I-I don't know what
happened; I'm sorry.
790
00:29:12,451 --> 00:29:16,388
I've never... been more
sorry in my life.
791
00:29:16,422 --> 00:29:18,290
(sighs)
792
00:29:18,324 --> 00:29:19,959
Oh...
793
00:29:23,595 --> 00:29:25,798
*
794
00:29:31,570 --> 00:29:33,772
Say something, please.
795
00:29:35,908 --> 00:29:37,977
Oh, wow, I mean, I... wow.
796
00:29:38,010 --> 00:29:41,313
I-I did not expect this
conversation to go like this.
797
00:29:41,347 --> 00:29:42,982
I expected something
so different.
798
00:29:43,015 --> 00:29:46,318
I thought that you were
gonna ask me to...
799
00:29:46,352 --> 00:29:49,288
Never mind.
I feel so stupid, I...
800
00:29:49,321 --> 00:29:50,890
JOSH:
I never meant to hurt you.
801
00:29:50,923 --> 00:29:53,092
Uh, this... this will
never happen again.
802
00:29:57,163 --> 00:29:59,498
I guess you want me
to move out, so...
803
00:29:59,531 --> 00:30:01,133
when I come back
from Hawaii...
804
00:30:01,167 --> 00:30:02,468
I didn't say that.
805
00:30:06,305 --> 00:30:08,307
Do you love her?
806
00:30:12,178 --> 00:30:13,379
No.
807
00:30:13,412 --> 00:30:16,382
JOSH:
God, no.
808
00:30:16,415 --> 00:30:18,417
*
809
00:30:33,132 --> 00:30:34,233
Josh...
810
00:30:34,266 --> 00:30:37,569
I am really, really hurt,
811
00:30:37,603 --> 00:30:41,107
but, God, I... I knew
something was going on.
812
00:30:41,140 --> 00:30:44,576
I mean, she's (sniffles)
smart and... and different
813
00:30:44,610 --> 00:30:47,346
and (chuckles) interesting.
814
00:30:47,379 --> 00:30:49,048
So I get it.
815
00:30:50,316 --> 00:30:52,318
You're not mad at me?
816
00:30:58,290 --> 00:31:00,259
You forgive me?
817
00:31:00,292 --> 00:31:03,429
Of course I forgive you, Joshy.
818
00:31:03,462 --> 00:31:05,364
I have to.
819
00:31:05,397 --> 00:31:09,435
You mean everything to me.
820
00:31:09,468 --> 00:31:11,503
I love you.
821
00:31:23,315 --> 00:31:26,352
No, I'll be here when you
come back from Hawaii,
822
00:31:26,385 --> 00:31:29,355
and we'll start over again.
823
00:31:29,388 --> 00:31:31,023
Honey, I'm not going anywhere.
824
00:31:31,057 --> 00:31:32,658
Uh, I'm staying here with you.
825
00:31:32,691 --> 00:31:34,360
I don't deserve you.
826
00:31:34,393 --> 00:31:36,395
You're beautiful and
827
00:31:36,428 --> 00:31:38,497
perfect like Madonna.
828
00:31:38,530 --> 00:31:40,599
The Bible Madonna.
829
00:31:40,632 --> 00:31:42,301
Not the buff Madonna.
830
00:31:42,334 --> 00:31:44,103
(both chuckle)
831
00:31:46,572 --> 00:31:49,575
*
832
00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:56,648
(thunder rumbles)
833
00:32:02,054 --> 00:32:05,958
* I try to be good to others
834
00:32:05,992 --> 00:32:09,661
* Treat my fellow men
like brothers and sisters *
835
00:32:09,695 --> 00:32:12,031
* That's the story
I'm the hero in *
836
00:32:12,064 --> 00:32:13,665
* So how come I can't zero in
837
00:32:13,699 --> 00:32:17,369
* On why this song
sounds so sinister? *
838
00:32:19,238 --> 00:32:21,240
Oh, my God.
839
00:32:23,475 --> 00:32:26,445
* I'm the villain
in my own story *
840
00:32:26,478 --> 00:32:29,381
* I'm the witch in my own tale
841
00:32:29,415 --> 00:32:33,352
* Though I insist
I'm the protagonist *
842
00:32:33,385 --> 00:32:37,056
* It's clear that
my soul is up for sale *
843
00:32:37,089 --> 00:32:40,059
* I'm the villain
in my own story *
844
00:32:40,092 --> 00:32:43,462
* The bad guy in my TV show
845
00:32:43,495 --> 00:32:45,364
* I'm the "who"
in the whodunit *
846
00:32:45,397 --> 00:32:46,732
* When I go to hell
I'll run it *
847
00:32:46,765 --> 00:32:49,768
* As Satan's CFO
848
00:32:49,801 --> 00:32:51,570
He needs someone
to do the books.
849
00:32:51,603 --> 00:32:53,039
Actually I shouldn't do that.
850
00:32:53,072 --> 00:32:54,273
I'm terrible with money.
851
00:32:54,306 --> 00:32:55,541
* But wait
852
00:32:55,574 --> 00:32:57,443
* How am I a villain?
853
00:32:57,476 --> 00:33:00,379
* I give annually to UNICEF
854
00:33:00,412 --> 00:33:04,116
* And just last week I helped
a lady cross the street *
855
00:33:04,150 --> 00:33:07,753
* Who was super old and deaf
856
00:33:07,786 --> 00:33:09,088
Wait, where am I?
857
00:33:09,121 --> 00:33:10,556
Aah, a bird!
(caws)
858
00:33:10,589 --> 00:33:14,226
* I'm the villain
in my own story *
859
00:33:14,260 --> 00:33:17,229
* I'm the bitch in the corner
of the poster *
860
00:33:17,263 --> 00:33:18,697
* I'm the figure
in the doorway *
861
00:33:18,730 --> 00:33:20,532
* Or the Kraken up in Norway
862
00:33:20,566 --> 00:33:23,669
* God, who is
this song's composer? *
863
00:33:23,702 --> 00:33:25,537
It's, like,
ridiculously sinister.
864
00:33:25,571 --> 00:33:29,475
Like, ri-dunk-culously sinister.
865
00:33:29,508 --> 00:33:31,810
(cackling)
866
00:33:31,843 --> 00:33:33,812
Well, well, well.
867
00:33:33,845 --> 00:33:36,748
Looks like I've
got you now, Valencia!
868
00:33:36,782 --> 00:33:39,485
What do you want to do with me,
you evil witch queen?
869
00:33:39,518 --> 00:33:41,620
I am but a humble
yoga instructor.
870
00:33:41,653 --> 00:33:44,356
Oh, what I want is...
your boyfriend!
871
00:33:44,390 --> 00:33:45,624
(gasps)
Not Prince Josh!
872
00:33:45,657 --> 00:33:47,526
Anything but Prince Josh!
873
00:33:47,559 --> 00:33:49,095
Why are you doing this?
874
00:33:49,128 --> 00:33:50,462
I'm Kate Hudson.
875
00:33:50,496 --> 00:33:51,730
We're doing the witch
and the princess thing.
876
00:33:51,763 --> 00:33:52,764
Okay?
Just go with it.
877
00:33:52,798 --> 00:33:55,467
Okay, so, fine,
I'm the princess.
878
00:33:55,501 --> 00:33:58,204
Why, why are you
doing this to me?
879
00:33:58,237 --> 00:34:00,739
Because I'm jealous
of you and your life!
880
00:34:00,772 --> 00:34:03,242
You're so skinny
and Josh is so perfect!
881
00:34:03,275 --> 00:34:05,744
And I want to take it
all for myself!
882
00:34:05,777 --> 00:34:07,579
No.
And now,
883
00:34:07,613 --> 00:34:10,416
I'll cook you into the
traditional dish of dinuguan,
884
00:34:10,449 --> 00:34:12,684
and serve it to Josh's family!
885
00:34:12,718 --> 00:34:14,186
(laughing)
886
00:34:14,220 --> 00:34:15,521
No!
887
00:34:15,554 --> 00:34:17,289
(laughing continues)
888
00:34:17,323 --> 00:34:20,092
No! No!
889
00:34:20,126 --> 00:34:21,093
(cackling)
890
00:34:21,127 --> 00:34:22,361
MAN:
Hey, shut up!
891
00:34:22,394 --> 00:34:25,264
* I'm the villain
in my own story *
892
00:34:25,297 --> 00:34:29,535
* My actions have
gone way too far *
893
00:34:29,568 --> 00:34:32,738
* I told myself
that I was Jasmine *
894
00:34:32,771 --> 00:34:36,608
* But I realize now I'm Jafar
895
00:34:36,642 --> 00:34:40,279
* We're told love conquers all
896
00:34:40,312 --> 00:34:44,450
* But that only
applies to the hero *
897
00:34:44,483 --> 00:34:48,754
* Is the enemy
what I'm meant to be *
898
00:34:48,787 --> 00:34:51,523
* Is being the villain
899
00:34:51,557 --> 00:34:56,662
* My destiny?
900
00:35:00,799 --> 00:35:02,801
(indistinct chatter)
901
00:35:07,539 --> 00:35:08,807
What time is it?
What time is it?
902
00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:11,677
(speaking indistinctly)
903
00:35:11,710 --> 00:35:12,444
Where is she?
904
00:35:12,478 --> 00:35:13,879
Oh, there she
is right there.
905
00:35:13,912 --> 00:35:15,314
(gasps)
Oh.
906
00:35:15,347 --> 00:35:17,683
Okay.
907
00:35:17,716 --> 00:35:19,651
Tell me you didn't do it.
Please tell me you're still
908
00:35:19,685 --> 00:35:20,619
going to Hawaii.
909
00:35:20,652 --> 00:35:22,554
And the moment
we've all been waiting for,
910
00:35:22,588 --> 00:35:24,356
the woman of the hour,
911
00:35:24,390 --> 00:35:25,691
Rebecca Bunch.
912
00:35:25,724 --> 00:35:27,326
(applause)
913
00:35:29,728 --> 00:35:31,730
*
914
00:35:40,239 --> 00:35:42,241
(sighs)
915
00:35:46,712 --> 00:35:48,714
Ew.
916
00:35:53,619 --> 00:35:55,354
Okay, that's it.
917
00:35:55,387 --> 00:35:57,556
What's going on?
With what?
918
00:35:57,589 --> 00:35:59,591
Look, I'm not stupid.
919
00:35:59,625 --> 00:36:01,460
I think you're mad at me.
920
00:36:01,493 --> 00:36:03,729
Yeah, 'cause you're so smart.
921
00:36:03,762 --> 00:36:05,231
Okay, but what did I do?
922
00:36:07,633 --> 00:36:09,701
You broke my heart,
923
00:36:09,735 --> 00:36:12,638
you dumb idiot jerkface!
924
00:36:12,671 --> 00:36:14,606
(groans)
925
00:36:25,251 --> 00:36:28,220
Okay, I probably shouldn't
dwell on particulars,
926
00:36:28,254 --> 00:36:29,721
but y broke up with me.
927
00:36:29,755 --> 00:36:30,656
You told me to run
after Rebecca.
928
00:36:30,689 --> 00:36:32,491
You did a whole song and dance.
929
00:36:32,524 --> 00:36:34,993
That was a test, you moron.
930
00:36:35,026 --> 00:36:37,696
And you were supposed
to say, "Oh, no.
931
00:36:37,729 --> 00:36:38,764
"That's ridiculous.
932
00:36:38,797 --> 00:36:40,532
"I couldn't possibly be
with her,
933
00:36:40,566 --> 00:36:42,668
"because I'm dating you
and you make me happy.
934
00:36:42,701 --> 00:36:44,236
And you're really hot."
935
00:36:44,270 --> 00:36:45,671
Oh, a test.
936
00:36:45,704 --> 00:36:48,507
God, I always fail the tests.
937
00:36:49,641 --> 00:36:51,810
I'm a jerk.
938
00:36:51,843 --> 00:36:53,612
Look.
939
00:36:53,645 --> 00:36:56,448
The mature rational side of me
940
00:36:56,482 --> 00:36:57,716
knows that you're not a jerk.
941
00:36:57,749 --> 00:37:00,786
You just don't feel the same way
about me that I do about you.
942
00:37:00,819 --> 00:37:03,589
But, so the emotional side of me
943
00:37:03,622 --> 00:37:06,392
wants to spear you
through the eye with this dart.
944
00:37:06,425 --> 00:37:07,659
Okay, I see.
945
00:37:07,693 --> 00:37:09,728
What can I do?
946
00:37:09,761 --> 00:37:11,597
What would make this better?
947
00:37:11,630 --> 00:37:15,334
You are just gonna have
to live with the uncertainty.
948
00:37:17,068 --> 00:37:19,638
'Cause I'm gonna be
sad and angry,
949
00:37:19,671 --> 00:37:21,873
and you're just gonna
have to live with it.
950
00:37:21,907 --> 00:37:24,510
Because I'm not
quitting this job.
951
00:37:24,543 --> 00:37:25,777
Not this time.
952
00:37:25,811 --> 00:37:27,479
'Cause I love it
953
00:37:27,513 --> 00:37:29,415
and I'm, like,
really good at it.
954
00:37:29,448 --> 00:37:30,782
You're...
955
00:37:30,816 --> 00:37:32,784
Yeah, you are.
956
00:37:34,553 --> 00:37:36,755
Heather, I'm sorry.
I messed up.
957
00:37:36,788 --> 00:37:38,790
Yeah.
958
00:37:38,824 --> 00:37:40,826
But that's, like, what you do.
959
00:37:44,530 --> 00:37:46,832
Everyone, let's get a round
of applause for our hero,
960
00:37:46,865 --> 00:37:49,801
the most wonderful woman
in West Covina,
961
00:37:49,835 --> 00:37:51,069
Rebecca Bunch!
962
00:37:51,102 --> 00:37:53,839
(crowd cheering)
963
00:37:53,872 --> 00:37:56,475
(distorted):
She is a true inspiration
964
00:37:56,508 --> 00:37:59,778
and the champion
of our community.
965
00:37:59,811 --> 00:38:01,813
Oh, yeah.
(crowd cheering)
966
00:38:07,819 --> 00:38:11,490
Sir, everything's
going, um, wobbly.
967
00:38:11,523 --> 00:38:13,859
Excuse me?
968
00:38:13,892 --> 00:38:16,395
I think my life is a giant turd.
969
00:38:16,428 --> 00:38:18,430
What?
970
00:38:20,899 --> 00:38:22,100
REBECCA:
He doesn't love me.
971
00:38:22,133 --> 00:38:24,002
He doesn't
love me.
972
00:38:24,035 --> 00:38:26,838
I'm broke, I'm broke.
I hate my life.
973
00:38:26,872 --> 00:38:28,374
I'm the villain.
I hate my life.
974
00:38:28,407 --> 00:38:29,541
I'm the villain.
I'm broke.
975
00:38:29,575 --> 00:38:31,076
What's wrong with me?
Why doesn't anyone love me?
976
00:38:31,109 --> 00:38:32,844
He doesn't love me.
I hate my life.
977
00:38:32,878 --> 00:38:34,913
Why doesn't anyone love me?
He doesn't love me.
978
00:38:37,783 --> 00:38:39,785
Um...
979
00:38:41,820 --> 00:38:43,822
Thanks.
980
00:38:47,693 --> 00:38:48,927
We got a runner!
981
00:38:48,960 --> 00:38:51,463
Have fun in Kazakhstan!
982
00:38:51,497 --> 00:38:53,499
(Paula whoops)
983
00:39:03,542 --> 00:39:07,413
I am so happy
we worked everything out.
984
00:39:07,446 --> 00:39:08,847
Like, I'm soy proud of us.
985
00:39:08,880 --> 00:39:11,650
Yeah, I thought for sure
you were gonna throw me out.
986
00:39:11,683 --> 00:39:13,151
That's the old me.
987
00:39:13,184 --> 00:39:16,388
The new me is very
mature and evolved.
988
00:39:16,422 --> 00:39:19,057
(laughs)
989
00:39:19,090 --> 00:39:20,726
I'm hungry.
990
00:39:20,759 --> 00:39:22,461
Should we get dinner?
991
00:39:22,494 --> 00:39:23,795
Okay, great.
992
00:39:23,829 --> 00:39:25,831
Uh, th-there's a new Indian
place on East Cameron.
993
00:39:25,864 --> 00:39:27,165
They have really good...
Joshy!
994
00:39:27,198 --> 00:39:29,501
You know Indian makes me gassy.
995
00:39:29,535 --> 00:39:31,637
Right, right.
Mm-hmm.
996
00:39:31,670 --> 00:39:34,172
Uh, you should choose.
997
00:39:34,205 --> 00:39:35,306
Give me the phone.
998
00:39:35,340 --> 00:39:38,410
Okay, well, delivery probably
is gonna take forever,
999
00:39:38,444 --> 00:39:40,446
so you should, you know,
you're gonna get it.
1000
00:39:40,479 --> 00:39:42,481
(indistinct chatter)
1001
00:39:44,550 --> 00:39:45,684
Hey, man.
Oh!
1002
00:39:45,717 --> 00:39:46,752
How are you?
1003
00:39:46,785 --> 00:39:48,086
I haven't heard
from you in a while.
1004
00:39:48,119 --> 00:39:50,121
Oh, wow, I'm good.
Yeah?
1005
00:39:50,155 --> 00:39:51,723
Actually, you know what?
I'm great.
1006
00:39:51,757 --> 00:39:53,525
I-I took your advice,
1007
00:39:53,559 --> 00:39:56,528
and it's been
really interesting.
1008
00:39:56,562 --> 00:39:58,464
I bet.
1009
00:39:58,497 --> 00:39:59,531
Yeah, I went out
with a girl named Charlie
1010
00:39:59,565 --> 00:40:00,566
and a guy named Dana
1011
00:40:00,599 --> 00:40:03,068
just to make things
as confusing as possible.
1012
00:40:03,101 --> 00:40:06,171
(both laughing)
1013
00:40:06,204 --> 00:40:08,874
I don't want to say I don't
like anyone as much as you,
1014
00:40:08,907 --> 00:40:10,576
but...
1015
00:40:10,609 --> 00:40:13,445
I think I just said it.
1016
00:40:13,479 --> 00:40:15,547
Hmm.
1017
00:40:15,581 --> 00:40:18,083
That's, uh,
1018
00:40:18,116 --> 00:40:19,451
that's really sweet.
1019
00:40:19,485 --> 00:40:21,920
It is?
1020
00:40:21,953 --> 00:40:23,121
Yeah.
1021
00:40:25,757 --> 00:40:27,459
You know what, Darryl?
1022
00:40:27,493 --> 00:40:28,994
Why don't we start over?
1023
00:40:29,027 --> 00:40:30,729
Wipe the slate clean.
1024
00:40:30,762 --> 00:40:32,130
Keep things simple.
1025
00:40:32,163 --> 00:40:33,231
Can I buy you a boba?
1026
00:40:33,264 --> 00:40:34,933
Sure.
1027
00:40:34,966 --> 00:40:35,801
Actually I cannot.
1028
00:40:35,834 --> 00:40:37,503
'Cause I left my wallet
in that blazer.
1029
00:40:37,536 --> 00:40:39,037
(laughs)
1030
00:40:39,070 --> 00:40:39,905
I can spot you.
1031
00:40:39,938 --> 00:40:42,474
But you still have to
get in the line.
1032
00:40:42,508 --> 00:40:44,910
Oh, sorry, okay.
1033
00:40:44,943 --> 00:40:46,945
(indistinct chatter)
1034
00:40:51,950 --> 00:40:53,952
(sighs)
1035
00:41:05,230 --> 00:41:07,533
Dr. Akopian.
1036
00:41:09,668 --> 00:41:10,702
Can I have another seat?
1037
00:41:10,736 --> 00:41:12,270
I-I also would like
another seat.
1038
00:41:12,303 --> 00:41:13,605
WOMAN:
Ladies, I'm so sorry,
1039
00:41:13,639 --> 00:41:16,474
but today's flight
is completely sold out.
1040
00:41:24,115 --> 00:41:27,786
So we're stuck together
for the next five hours.
1041
00:41:27,819 --> 00:41:29,588
You want to give it a go?
1042
00:41:29,621 --> 00:41:30,922
Do some therapy?
1043
00:41:30,956 --> 00:41:33,291
Okay.
1044
00:41:33,324 --> 00:41:35,694
Yeah, let's do this.
1045
00:41:35,727 --> 00:41:37,863
Okay.
1046
00:41:37,896 --> 00:41:42,067
For starters, I was
conceived on a cruise ship.
1047
00:41:42,100 --> 00:41:45,270
I think my mom must've had some,
I don't know, bad lobster.
1048
00:41:45,303 --> 00:41:48,106
Because the second she felt
the sperm enter the egg,
1049
00:41:48,139 --> 00:41:49,541
she got sick.
1050
00:41:51,877 --> 00:41:52,878
In my narrative,
I pictured you as,
1051
00:41:52,911 --> 00:41:53,945
like, the funny
singing raccoon.
1052
00:41:53,979 --> 00:41:55,581
If you've got love problems,
1053
00:41:55,614 --> 00:41:58,249
then listen to me,
Paula the raccoon.
1054
00:41:58,283 --> 00:42:00,652
* Love is like digging
through a trash can *
1055
00:42:00,686 --> 00:42:03,855
* Searching
for old banana peels. *
1056
00:42:06,257 --> 00:42:09,294
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
1057
00:42:09,327 --> 00:42:11,529
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
72732
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