All language subtitles for Crazy.Ex-Girlfriend.S01E12.Josh.and.I.Work.on.a.Case!.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.Rus.Eng_TeamHD_track5_[eng]

Previously on
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

Just wanted to be
a little less lonely,

make some friends.
Well,

you made one.

(smooches)

Later, bro.

Someone broke
into your apartment?

Throw the rock
through the window!

(Scott screams)

Why don't we go back
to your place,

and I'll make sure
it's all okay.

This is your rock?
There's got to be

another explanation...

Wait, wait, wait,
please-please don't explain.

Uh, I got to go.

Moments ago he held me
in his arms,

and then just now he could
barely look me in the eye.

All of my dreams

may have just been shattered.

* I was working hard
at a New York job *

* Making dough
but it made me blue *

* One day I was crying a lot

* And so I decided to move

* To West Covina, California

* Brand-new pals
and new career *

* It happens to be
where Josh lives *

* But that's not why I'm here

* She's the crazy
ex-girlfriend *
What? No, I'm not.

* She's the crazy
ex-girlfriend *

That's a sexist term.

* She's the crazy
ex-girlfriend *

Can you guys stop singing
for just a second?

* She's so broken inside *

The situation's a lot more
nuanced than that.

* C-R-A-Z-Y *

Okay! We get it!

* Crazy ex-girlfriend. *

REBECCA: He hasn't called.
He hasn't texted.

He hasn't Snapchatted.
He hasn't Vibered.

He hasn't Facebook
messaged me.

He hasn't liked any of my
Instagram posts, including...

the other day

I posted a picture of a baby...

penguin...

surfing.

Look, I know it's been tough...

No, no, no, Paula.

With all due respect,

you did not see his face

when he left my apartment
that day.

I was dead to him, like,
he didn't want to spend

any more time with me, and, oh,
we were getting so close.

You know?
And you will again.

I promise you,
I'm gonna fix this.

By the end of day

tomorrow,
Josh will have asked

you out to dinner.

What?

What, tomorrow?

Dinner?

What are you...
that's impossible.

Impossible?

Rebecca,
we put a man on the moon.

"We"? Did you have something
to do with that?

No, not at all,

but I have been watching
Apollo 13 a lot.

I got the Blu-ray

at a garage sale, and oh, my...

(sighs) Ed Harris.

Ed Ha... do you-do you remember,
with the glasses?

I mean, come on, he... he
brought those Americans home,

just like I'm gonna bring
that buff Filipino bro home

to... you.

Like Ed says,

"Failure is not an option."

I have no idea what you're
talking about right now,

but you seem really confident,

and you're talking
about space, so...

I'm gonna go with your plan.

What's the first step?

Smog check.

(pneumatic tools whirring)

PAULA: Go to the auto body shop
on East Cameron

at exactly 2:00 p.m. tomorrow.

Do precisely
what I tell you to do,

and most of all...

stay relaxed.

I am relaxed.

I have soupy bones.

Hey.

Oh.

Hey, dude, good to see you.

Rebecca, uh, what are you...

Uh, just getting
an old smog check.

Don't you have a brand-new car?

You're always talking about it,

listing all the features
of your Hyundai

as if you were
in a commercial or something.

(laughs)
Uh, what happened to your car?

Uh, it got dinged.

PAULA:
Step two,

apologize quickly.
REBECCA: Hey, Josh...

I'm super sorry for, like,

misunderstanding
a couple weeks ago.

PAULA:
And step three...

move on to the someone
you're seeing.

Yeah, the whole thing's
so embarrassing.

I was telling Trent
about it recently...

Who's Trent?
Oh.

I'm sorry, you don't know Trent.
Trent's the new guy I'm seeing.

Oh, you're, uh, seeing someone?

Yeah, yeah, I knew him
back in college.

He went to Harvard?

Yes, indeed,
Ye olde Harvard.

PAULA:
Fake boyfriend from Harvard.

All we need is
some random guy

who went to Harvard
at the same time you did,

and lives in Los Angeles.

Ooh, what about this guy?
Trent.

Oh, that's a perfect name
for a fake boyfriend.

Huh. That's awesome
you met someone.

Yeah, we're really happy.

Miss Bunch,
you are all set.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, here you go.

There you are.

PAULA:
And then you close

with a coupon.

Uh, ma'am,
we don't take coupons.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I have that in my wallet.

I've been meaning to use it.

It's a coupon for free drinks

at Jalapeno Jack's.

Hold up, free drinks?

And appetizers.

That's a pricey place.

How can they afford that?

I don't know.

I don't make the coupons.

Oh, man, it expires tonight.

Oh, I kept meaning to use it.

I wanted to take Trent,

but he's working late tonight.

Here, you want to take it?

Uh, take Valencia.

Oh, thanks.
Yeah.

That'd be great.

(gasps)
Thursday night.

She has back-to-back classes.

Oh, no,
she's also working tonight.

Okay, well, this'll go unused,
no harm, no foul.

Good-bye, coupon.

Wait, hold up.

If your date is busy

and my date is busy,

and the coupon
expires tonight...

...should we
just go together?

Oh. Oh, I hadn't
thought of that.

Um, yeah, that sounds good.
Yeah.

REBECCA
Houston, this is Apollo.

Jalapeno Jack's is a go.

Repeat, Jalapeno Jack's
is a go.

(sighs)

And that's how you land a plane.

REBECCA:
We did it, we did it!

(cheering)

(squealing)

We did it.

Oh, we did,

and it was pretty easy.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Yay, we did it.

You have a dinner plan.

Now you and Josh

can get back on track.

Get back to where you were
a couple weeks ago,

when you were practically
about to bone.

Oh, it's gonna be so romantic,

just the two of you,

in a cozy corner booth

snuggling over a pitcher
of margaritas.

(popping)
Ooh.

Ooh.
Ooh.
Nice.

This looks like fun.

What are we fêting?

And speaking of fêting,

and, uh, feeling good

and other words that start

with the letter "F,"

um, like fitness...

Rebecca, how well do
you know White Josh?

Uh, I barely know him.

I was just wondering, um,

do you think he would
be open to new...

...clients?

At the gym, I mean?

'Cause, uh, I need a trainer.

Darryl,
I literally know nothing

about White Josh.

Why don't you just
ask him yourself?

Okay, okay,
I just thought I'd ask around

before I got in bed
with a new person.

(Darryl chuckles)

Gym, that is.

(laughs)

A gym bed,
is what I meant.

You know, there are
no beds in gyms.

Yeah, I think
there should be.

Okay, well, I got to take off.

(banda music plays)

(bell jingles, door closes)
Uh, hi, two.

Oh, sorry.

WOMAN:
We'll have it ready
in about 15 minutes.

REBECCA:
Water conspiracy?

Water Truthers?

You're nuts, Bert.

Thank you.
(hangs up phone)

Hello, so I have a couple
questions about the menu, um...
Mm-hmm.

The El Potato Soupo, is that,
like, a mashed potato dish?

It's soup.

Cheesy soup, has a lot of,
like, cheese in it.

Okay, good to know,
that's maybe a little heavy.

Now, what about the
Quesadilla Saladita.

What happens there?

Um, it's a salad with,

like, stuff on it.

Okay. Okay, good to know.
That's on the list.

Uh, now, eventually

at the end of the meal,
we're gonna want

the passion fruit soufflé,
but I have a query.

Could I get mango

instead of passion fruit?
Because my friend

who's joining me,
he really loves mango.

Um...

Also, hold that answer

for one second,
I think

we're probably
gonna want to start out

with the Margarita Mas Grande,

with salt on the rim,
but only half of the rim,

because too much salt
makes my friend bloat.

I'm gonna give you
a few more minutes.

Okay, great.

(banda music plays)

(chuckling)

I can't believe
this is free.

Yeah, I know, right?
Oh.

So, as you were saying
about your apartment...

Oh, yeah, I haven't had
hot water in, like, weeks.

I'm showering
with freezing cold water.

No hot water, that's terrible.

You should complain.

Yeah, I don't like
to complain about stuff.

Valencia is better
at complaining...

...and since she's not
on the lease,

she can't give the landlord
a hard time.

Wait, Valencia's
not on the lease?

She has bad credit.

She took a loan out
to sell diet supplements,

and it turned out
they were rat droppings.

(laughs)

Yeah, gross.

(laughs)

Man, it's really good

to catch up.

I've, um, I've been kind of
lonely lately.

Oh, but you're seeing someone...

Right. Right, right, right,
right, right, Trent.

Trent. Yes.

I've been lonely,
save for Trent.

No, Trent's amazing.

Trent and Rebecca,

we have the greatest
couple name, actually.

Trebecca.
Oh.
Yeah.

I want to get it monogrammed
on a towel.

Yeah, that sounds romantic.

Uh, yeah,
it's-it's pretty romantic.

(door opens, bell jingles)

Oh, no, Hector's here.

Huh?

Yo.

I mean, aw, nah, it's Hector.

What's up?
What's up, dude?

It's so weird that
you guys are here.

(door opens, bell jingles)
(grunts in confusion)

Yeah.
Huh.

What? Oh, my God,
more people here.

Oh, oh, oh.

White Josh,

and some other guys

I don't know.

Hello.

Such a coinky, yo.
Can we join you guys?

Uh, you know, I just think
this table won't fit...

Of course! Come on, man.

(men laughing)

Oh, look at that.
The tables move.

You guys just knew that.

Oh, um, um,

the coupon doesn't limit
the amount of people, right?

Nope, whoever made it
did not think that through.

Cool.

Oh, sorry, I'm so rude.

Um, Becks, you haven't met
Ken and Beans yet, have you?

Nope.

Um, Ken, Becks,
Beans, Becks.

Becks, Ken,
Becks, Beans.

Hi. Okay.
Oh, wait, Rebecca,

you went to Beans' party, right?

You know what, yeah, I did,
first week I was in town.

Uh, you have a
lovely casa, Bernard.

Oh, I don't go by Bernard.

I prefer Beans.
It sounds racist,

but I didn't get the name
'cause I'm Mexican,

it's 'cause I organize
meet-and-trades

for Beanie Babies.

HECTOR:
Whoa, I'm so excited
about this coupon.

Let's get the margaritas
that come in a sombrero.

(men whooping)

I'm gonna drink until I die.

MEN (laughing):
Yeah!

Time to get drunk!

(whispering):
Um, hey, hey, Josh...

(overlapping chatter)

(whispering):
So, I just-I just thought
this was gonna be

you and me, hanging out.

(shouting):
What?
(shouting):
I just thought this was gonna

be you and me hanging out...

(men continue
chattering loudly)

I-it's fine.

It's fine.

Continue. This is fun.

This is fun.
It's fine.

Dude,
can you believe this?

*

* The night was going perfectly,
mi amor *

* We were having a romantic
Mexican meal *

* Or Cali-Mex

* Cali-Mex-Italian

* I don't really know what
this food is *

* But our time together was cut
short by the enemy of romance *

* La, la, la, la, la

* It was a group hang

* Group hang
you're so far away *

* In a group hang

* A group hang,
group hang *

* Do we really need
all these nachos? *

* It was an intimate date,
just you and me *

* At a magical place
where refills are free *

* Then your buddies showed up

* And tore us apart,
they're forces of evil *

* A knife through my heart

* Salsa, burritos, taquitos

* Guacamole pizza

* A group hang,
group hang *

* You're just out of reach
in a group hang *

* A group hang

* Group hang

* I'm so afraid of horses

* Now you're telling a story
about some dude named Jeffwad *

* And the time he "sprooshed"

* Whatever that means

* Feeling left out,
so I jump in and say *

I had a friend named Jeff once.

He took bad mushrooms and jumped
off the roof of our dorm.

* It was a group hang,
group hang *

* It just got weird
in this group hang *

* Group hang,
group hang *

* It makes me so sexy sad

Oh, the guac is so spicy.

Hey, want to grab a drink
at the bar?

Oh, uh, okay.

Great.

* Spanish, Spanish,
Spanish, Spanish, español *

* Arriba, Spanish, Spanish,
Spanish, Spanish, español *

* Arriba Spanish, Spanish,
Spanish, Spanish *

* Español, arriba,
Guadalajara, Sicily *

That's not in Mexico.

* Corned beef enchilada,
pickle taco *

* Salsa verde cheesecake,
bacon tamale *

* Root beer margarita,
taco stew *

Does the chef know
what Mexico is?

* A group hang,
group hang *

* What's this smoky
tortilla soup thang *

I mean, really, am I-am I crazy?

There are--
I know there are people

of Hispanic descent
working at this restaurant.

* A group hang,
group hang *

How are they not offended

with the bastardization
of their culture?

Is it just me?
Maybe it's just me.

* You're so far away
in a group hang *

If... I just...
I feel-I feel like

I'm being gaslighted
by this restaurant.

* A group hang,
group hang... *

There you go.

*

I forgot
my wallet.

BEANS:
I only had the nachos.

KEN:
I only had, like,
one stuffed mushroom.

WHITE JOSH:
Uh, Hector's paying
for me actually,

'cause he uses
my Netflix account.

I'll... Guys, guys,
I got it, I got it.

Don't worry.

Oh, come on.
What, no...

Give me that...
You ain't got
to do all of that.

No, Ken, Ken,
it's really fine.

I-I-I got it.

KEN:
good thing
the drinks are free.

Hmm, you really saved a ton
with that coupon, huh?

Yeah.

Oh, man, that was good.
Yup.

Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm.
(inhales)

Congratulations.

What are you... doing?

Anyone who spends over $600

gets their picture
taken for the wall.

No... (sighs)

JOSH:
Hey, thanks for coming, man.

HECTOR:
Are you kidding?

I had dieciséis
margaritas.

(Josh laughs)
HECTOR:
It was awesome, right?

Yeah, I just still feel kind
of weird after what happened

at Rebecca's apartment
the other day.

So, after I mentioned dinner,
I kind of freaked,

and that's why I called
you guys for backup.

HECTOR:
Yeah, dude, don't
worry about it.

Say queso.

Queso.

*

I'm sorry, honey.

I'm sorry the rocket
exploded on re-entry.

Yeah, so, I think we're done

with the Apollo 13 references.

Okay.

I just want to spend time
with him.

(sighs)

I want so badly to go back
to the way things were.

* Romantic moments you had

* That he didn't know
were romantic *

(Josh grunting)

* Or maybe he did a little

* We're not really sure

*

* But most likely not

* Ooh...

But now I freaked him out.

God, I am so afraid
that it's over,

that things will never be normal
between us ever again.

Josh just doesn't want

to spend time
with me anymore.

Oh, I was so close,

and now he won't even
be alone with me.

God, I am never alone.

This client requires
so much handholding,

it's like we're married.

Last week we go to
Fresno for a hearing.

The hotel's overbooked,

so we get a room
with one bed,

and then I'm between the sheets

with his body pressed
against mine.

Oh, last week
I saw more of him

than I did
my own wife.

And I mean literally,

because I saw him naked,
like, eight times.

That's genius.

We make him a client.
Client.

All we need is a case.

I love it.

Wait, also...

I love that we all had

the same idea at the same time.

It's like we're on each other's
mental cycle.

Totally.

So, what do we do?

Uh, what case

can you help Josh with?

Or do we just get him arrested
and then go from there?

No, come on.

I'm a member of the bar,
I swore an oath.

Also, I lied to Josh once...

Once?

...okay, I got caught once
and it was the worst feeling,

and I'm never doing it again.

So, no made-up cases.

Fine, okay,
we don't make up anything,

we find something.
Something legit.

Something you can
actually help him with.

Exactly.

How...

do... we...

do... that?

Okay, you don't want
to lie to him.

Can we hurt him?

Just a little bit.

Like, scalding coffee

from a takeout place.

Or...

Ooh! He works at that
radiology lab.

Oh, come on, that place looks
like a cancer factory,

surely he has a tumor somewhere.

What do tumors cause?

Water on the brain...

Water.
Wait, I know a real thing.

WHITE JOSH:
Okay, focus, focus.

Stay focused,
you got three more.

Keep your eyes on me.

Oh, I am.

All right. Two.

Are you breathing?

I feel like you're
not breathing at all.

I'm not breathing?
You're not breathing.

You know what, let's,
uh, let's take a break.

Doing great.
Okay.

I'm gonna-I'm gonna
put these down.
Okay.

Take 60 seconds.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

So, when was the last time
we saw each other?

At your house, the fight.

Yeah, yeah, well, that-that
was the general event,

but the specific event was...

When I kissed you on the cheek?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, that was, uh, funny.

(laughs) I mean, was that,
like, a European thing,

or was that something
Hector put you up to?

No, dude, I'm gay.

You were being cute, so...

You're gay?

No one's ever mentioned that.

Uh, well, everybody knows.

It's not a big deal.
Oh.

Okay, it's just...
maybe your nickname

should be Gay Josh
instead of White Josh,

because then people
would know what's up.

Why?

We don't call Greg,
Straight Greg.

We don't call you,
Old Gay Darryl.

Whoa, what?

I am not old gay.

I am not... or gay.

I'm... divorced.

I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean

anything by that, you just...

No, no.
...gave me the vibe.

No. What-what vibe?
The gay vibe.

But I don't understand
why there would be a vibe.

I like women.
I like sleeping with women.

I like the way
they smell,

and I like the
way that they...

the-the feel
of their skin,

I like their
bird-like voices.

I mean, does that sound gay?

Nope.

Sounds like a serial killer,

but a straight one, for sure.

Yeah, a straight ser...
What? No.

You know what, I think
this is enough right now.

Okay.
Because you
know what,

I actually have
to return a call
Yup.

to my ex-wife,
Sure.

who's a girl.
Uh-huh.

You know?
No problem.

We actually
reproduced together.

Okay.

Cool.
That's-that's not
something you can do solo.

That's... a good point.

That's teamwork.

(door closes)

VALENCIA:
So, what is this
stupid meeting about?

Well, I'm here to dis...

Oh, this is the
boyfriend, huh?

JOSH:
Uh, Trent.
His name is Trent,

and he went to Harvard.
REBECCA:
Yes.

Great picture.

Where was it taken?

Palm Springs.

Ah, hm, we just had to spa.

Okay, let's start this meeting,
shall we?

Great.

Valencia,

tell me something.

Does your ass feel weird
right now?

Joshy, what is she
talking about?

Because you, my friends,
are sitting on a gold mine.

You remember
the other night,

at that really fun group hang,

you were telling me about
the lack of hot water

in your apartment.
Yeah.

Well, did you know that's
not only an annoyance,

but it's also a violation

of your contractual
tenant rights?

Get to the point, Harvard.

My point is,
we can sue your landlord

for all of the back rent
that you've paid

since you moved in,
plus damages.

Whoa, that would be, like,
thousands of dollars.

Wait a minute.
Hold on.

What's in it for you?

It's purely a business decision.

I wouldn't charge you a fee,
I would take a percentage.

You make money, I make money.

That's...

really nice of you.

We could use the cash, babe.

Well, great.

Let's set you up here.

All I need is both
your signatures

where it says tenant.

Um, there's a problem.

Oh right, I'm-I'm sorry,
my mistake,

Josh mentioned that you, uh,
weren't on the lease.

Josh, you told her?

You know how sensitive
I am about the lease.

It's-it's okay.

We can just make Josh

the sole plaintiff, no biggie.

A-And then we can make

thousands of dollars.

R-right, Rebecca?

Yes, at least.

No.

No, no.

We're not doing this.

I don't trust you
as far as I can throw you,

which is not far,

because you eat bagels
after 8:00 p.m.

Come on, Josh.

I'm sorry, that was rude.

Okay, fine.

Enjoy your cold showers!

Yeah,
and don't underestimate

the joy of a
midnight bagel.

Thank you.

Okay, we did it your way.

Can we now scald him

with gas station coffee?

Man, a settlement
could mean

a lot for me
and Valencia.

She has all this stuff
she wants to buy,

and I want a hoverboard,
obviously,

but I also want to
invest in our future.

Buy a stock.

Or two stocks.

How many stocks
do people have?

I don't know, I'm just a kid.

All I know is,
tech is overvalued right now.

All right, shh.

It's Serrano. Okay,
don't tell him any of this.

He's got lots of opinions
and he's very judgmental.

Oh, I already told him.

What? How?

I've been texting
under the table

the whole time we were talking.

I'm a digital addict.

I diagnosed myself online.

GREG:
What are you doing?

Hey, Greg.
You're doing some lawsuit

with Rebecca about water
or something?

All right, I haven't decided,

but I can make
the decision myself.

I'm not dumb.

Dude, this time that's

not what I'm saying.

I haven't said anything
because I know

you like Rebecca,

but I've had some serious doubts
for a while now,

and I just don't want you
to get mixed up in anything...

Dude, she went to Harvard

and she thinks Valencia and I
could get a lot of money.

That's what
Satan told Faust.

Oh, you guys didn't know?

My school went charter.

Chan,
you're a nice guy.

You always see things
in the best light,

but Valencia is right.

Rebecca is into you.

She always has been.

She just wants to
spend time with you.

Why can't anyone see that?

The whole case
is just a pretext.

A pretext.

Is that like when a little text

comes out before the real text?

I learned about that
in health class.

A-alright, I got to go.
I have to think.

I want you to protect yourself,
Josh.

Rebecca is not
what she seems to be.

That thing with
the broken glass?

She was up to something.

She's too smart.

She will outsmart you.

Dude, I can take care of myself.

I've got a lot of black belts.

She's not trying to fight you.

I said I have to think about it.

I haven't decided
what I'm gonna do,

and I know she has issues,

and maybe she's
a little into me,

but, you know,
most girls in town are.

Word.
Thanks.

And why are you
lecturing me, Serrano?

You're the one that kept
trying to go out with her.

I know, I did,
but I know better now,

and I'm with Heather,

and it's so great not thinking

about Rebecca's insanity.

Okay, nope, you're wrong.

I just hung with her
and I got to say,

she seems like
she's in a good place.

She's keeping her car
in great shape,

and she's even got a boyfriend
who went to Harvard,

and has a name that sounds
like a newscaster.

Connie Chung?
Wait.

She has a boyfriend?
Well...

someone she's seeing.
Trent.

Their couple name
is Trebecca.
Since when?

Trent?

That's the perfect name
for a fake boyfriend.

Stop it.

Look, even if
you think Rebecca is,

whatever you think she is,

you know she's
an excellent lawyer,

really on top of her game.

PAULA:
Oh, I just love
mixed race babies.

I don't know.

I still think Jewish
and Filipino is the best mix.

All right, Paula, come on,
we got to get back to work.

I mean, Nigerian and
Greek is a close second.

Oh, God, that's
a beautiful baby.
Baby.

(in baby voice):
Oh, look at the baby.
Aw, they're so nice.

With that little face.
Oh, my God, I want that,
like, in my womb.

PAULA:
You know, there are places
that will do that.

Paula!

What!
Whoa.

Oh, you okay?

You're fine.
Yeah, nope,
good, good, good.

Okay, I found...
What?
I found something.

Call Darryl right now.

This will get Josh back
on board the case,

then we can spend
more time together.

(pounding on door)
Josh.

Oh.

W-w-w-w-w-wait, I-I-I have news.

Where is Josh?

Josh isn't here,

and it doesn't
matter anyway.

I'm on to you now.

I know you're full of it,
and now I have proof.

Huh, what are you
talking about?

Hey, Greg.
What do you mean, proof?

Tell her, Greg.

I, um, I looked it up,

and I read some
stuff online

about local tenant laws
capping settlements.

Okay, I don't really
understand all of it.

Dude, are we not
friends anymore?

Like, are you mad at me?

Because, and correct me
if I'm wrong,

it seems like you're scheming
behind my back with Valencia.

Wow.

I'm sorry,
don't you have a life?

Don't you have a girlfriend?

I just think there's
something... not right.

There's a
wrongness here.

(Josh panting)

JOSH:
Whoa.

what's everyone
doing here?

Oh, my God, what
are you doing here?

Oh, we just went
on a run, dude.

Will someone tell me

what's going on here?

(all talking at once)

Joshy. Joshy.
Josh, Josh.
Don't listen to her.

(all talking at once)

What?

(shouting):
Everyone, listen to Cookie!

She-she calls me Cookie.

Okay, so...

I figured out if I can switch
the case to a county court,

I can take advantage
of a tax loophole

in the assessment tax codes.

Let me sum it up.

If you get your
whole building to sign up,

I can get you a crap ton
of dough.

PAULA:
She's right.

In a suit like this,

the payout can be huge.

In Arizona,
the tenants got

$10 million in an asbestos
liability dispute.

Or we can call
one plumber

and no one has
to go to court.

Shut up, Greg.

Josh, listen,

I need your help to get everyone

in this building onboard.

We can do this.

This is your moment.

This is your decision.

What do you say?

Please, at least
just discuss it.

There is nothing
to discuss.

Okay, we don't
even know our neighbors,

and they clearly
are not interested

in making any money.

Don't you get it?

We're just not interested.

(sighs)

Josh, if I get everyone else
in the building to sign up,

will you join?

Don't do it.

Josh, I...

Bye.

Wow, that is
a big bummer.

No.

Not a bummer at all.

Come on, guys.

Yeah, but she said
the neighbors won't...

You are Darryl Whitefeather.

And your people

have been through a lot worse

than some emaciated
yoga teacher, am I right?

What do you mean, my people?

Chippewa, Darryl.

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Those people.
Right, right, right.

Follow my lead.

(baby jabbers)

Hello, ma'am, my name is
Rebecca Bunch, Esquire,

and these are
my legal associates.

Hello.

Tell me, is your
hot water out?

Yeah, but they said
they're going to fix it...

May I speak to you
for a moment

about an
important issue?

A serious problem
threatening

your right to
life, liberty

and the pursuit
of happiness.
Um...

She's right.

It's a big-ass problem.

Okay, sure.

Wonderful.
*

* There's nothing
I love more in life *

* Than a scalding
hot shower *

* It's the symbol
of human dignity *

* That separates us
from the chimps *

* Helps you scrub
off the sleep *

* And scrub on the day

* Or scrub off the day,
and scrub on the sleep *

* Don't know if you're morning
or night shower people *

* Whatever floats your boat

* But where are your toddlers
gonna float their boats *

* If all you have
is cold h20? *

* That's two parts
hydrogen, one part oxygen *

* And zero parts justice

* Now I know
you're thinking *

* "What are you
talking about? *

* Go away, this is
private property" *

* Well, before we leave,
ladies and gents *

* Allow me to set
the scene: ima... *

Yeah, I don't live here.

Oh.

* Imagine your kids

* Taking a shower
before they go to school *

* They douse their skin
with ice cold water *

* A huge shock to their
little systems *

* At first it's downright
unpleasant, but then *

* It gets them wired
in a way they've never felt *

* And they think to themselves,
"That shower felt great" *

* "Maybe I'll
try cocaine" *

* So your son's on coke,
your daughter's pregnant *

* And your husband's probably

* Having an affair,
apocalypse *

* Just like the movie
I Am Legend *

* But not like
that at all *

* No hot water

* Which means cold showers

* Next thing you know,
your kids will be on crack *

* No hot water

* Which means
cold showers *

* Which everyone knows

* Is the gateway drug to crack

* Crack, crack, crack

* Crack, crack, crack, crack *

Now, it's not just about
the hot water, folks

* Crack, crack, crack, crack *

If this landlord isn't taking
one measly hour

out of his day
to fix your showers,

then what's
this scumbag doing

with all your
hard earned cash?

He's taking it and blowing it
* Crack, crack, crack, crack *

in a hand of Pai Gow

at the Indian casino.

(all gasp)
* Crack, crack, crack *

He's fat-catting it

at fancy restaurants
like The Olive Garden.

(all gasp)
* Crack, crack, crack, crack *

And Red Lobster.

(all gasp)
Gasp is right.

* That's gasp with
an uppercase "G" *

* That ends with "P"
the first letter in pool *

* No hot water *

* No hot water

* Which means cold showers *

* Next thing you know

* Your kids will be on crack

* This makes sense *

* No hot water *

* Means cold, cold showers *

* And cold showers are *

* The gateway drug *

* to crack *

* Cold water is drugs *

* Yeah! *

Let's make ourselves a case,
folks!

(cheering)

Can I get one of these?

DARRYL:
Absolutely, here you go.

(people chattering)

(sighs)

Josh, I got
everyone on board.

What do you say?

Don't let her
manipulate you.

Yeah, you're too
smart for this.

Is he?

(singsong):
Josh and I are gonna spend
a lot of time together today.

(Rebecca humming)

Josh is here.

Oh.
Josh is here.

Okay.
Here, no,
let the girls out.

There we go.

Okay, fluff them up.

Oh, okay.
Get-get them up there.
Oh, God...

See, people think they're fake,
but when you get up close,

you realize no human
could design these.

Oh, thank you.

People think they're fake?

Gym business.

Ah.
White Joshua,
I just wanted to inform you

that I am not going
to be training with you anymore.

In the future,

my fitness will be coming here,

courtesy of the
cardio mambo class.

Here, we leave our sneakers and
our assumptions by the door.

Well, near the door.

In the little cubbies.

Cool, cool, cool.

No better way to prove
to yourself you're straight

than a barefoot,
cardio mambo class.

Nothing to prove.

Tanya, want to stretch?

Last time, guys.

*

Right.

Getting sweaty, guys.

And squeeze.

*

Squeeze, and squeeze, and hop.

And... squeeze.

And squeeze, again.

Big finish.

Now, pose.

Oh, my God, could I be...

WOMAN: Bye.
WOMAN 2: Bye.

MAN: Bye.
MAN 2: Bye.

Bye.
Bye.

You're bi, Darryl.

What?

I said, yerba maté tea.

Mmm, I want one.

(laughs softly)

Oh, my gosh, you can
draw that upside down?

Isn't that weird?

That's like really good.
I'm like-I'm like amazing.

Oh, thank you
very much
Oh.

Josh, would you like
flat or bubbles?

Oh, uh, no bubbles.

Uh, they give me dem burps.

(Rebecca laughs)

(both laugh)

Oh...

Anyway, we should get, um,

back to the zoning ordinances.

So, uh, the next
thing to do

is file this paperwork
with the city.

But more importantly,
we have to decide what

we're eating for dinner tonight.
I'm starving.

All right, let's see...

So, yesterday we
had Middle Eastern,

this morning we had
boba delivered--

I liked that a lot--

And then we had Ethiopian...

Yeah, this case
is gonna make us very...

well-rounded.

(laughs)

(both laughing)
Well-rounded,
I love that.

You like that?

I'm having the best time.

(laughing):
Yeah.

Sorry, um, Rebecca,

you have a call on line five.

Hey, Paula, where's a good
Italian place around here,

something, like, Northern.

It's the landlord
from Josh's building.

Oh. Oh, he must
be running scared.

Okay, watch this, Josh.

I'm gonna put
on my lawyer voice.

Well, well, well,

the day of reckoning
has arrived.

Your reign

of terror will soon be over,

Mr. Edward B.
Greyson, and...

What?

(whispering):
What's wrong?

(whispering):
Shh.

(whispering):
Did we lose the case?

(whispering):
We haven't been to court yet,
Pun'kin.

(quietly):
Oh.

Uh, I'm gonna have
to get back to you.

He, um, he wants to settle.

DARRYL:
Take it.

Take it, take it, take it.

Wha... how did you hear me?

Oh, well, I had the little glass
against the wall.

How much?
How much? How much?

I mean, the amount
doesn't really matter.

Uh, yeah, it does.
(laughs)

Fine, he-he was willing
to settle for a million.

A million dollars?

We each get $1 million?

No, Pun'kin,
it's got to be spread out

amongst all the litigants,

but still, it's-it comes
to comes to, like,

10,00 bucks
each, right?

Huzzah!

This case is over.

Yeah, I'm gonna turn it down.

What?
What?

What?

George.

Oh.
We talked about this.

Sorry.

I know.

Guys, don't worry,
I know exactly what I'm doing.

Just let me think
about this for a second.

Paula, come into my office.

Paula, this case
can't be over,

because Josh and I
are having the best time.

Like, today we put popcorn
in the microwave,

and then he showed
me how to put

parmesan and garlic
flakes on it,

and we made, like,
an Italian popcorn thing,

and it was, like,
the best thing I've ever had, so

I'm gonna figure something out,
I'm gonna figure something out.

Okay, babe, babe, babe,
you're spiraling.

(inhales and exhales loudly)

(whispering):
Let me think, let me think.

That landlord would not
have ponied up

such a big settlement offer

if there wasn't something
under this.

Something's going on.

Something with the water
in this city.

And I'm going to
figure out what it is.

How are you going to do that?

(echoing):
Water conspiracy, water
conspiracy, water conspiracy.

Where in town can I buy
fly-fishing equipment?

What?
Just answer me.

Purely Sports on East Cameron.

Great.

I really have to talk to you.
We're not gonna settle?

What are we going to do?

Rebecca, we really
need that money.

I'm going to make
you more money.
What?

Darryl, how does your ass feel?

What?

Come with me.

I don't know why we had
to meet in a garage.

I need your help.

You're the only one

who sees through Rebecca
like I do.

What do you want me to do?

I can't prove she's lying.

That's okay.

I have evidence
that she's lying.

Look at this.

I'm telling you.

That bitch cray.

Tell him, Bert.

The Los Angeles
county water system

is a complex creature.

Now, we're surrounded by water,
of course,

but until those Israelis learn
out how to desalinate,

we're up crap's creek,

scrabbling around buying
water from Colorado.

You look confused,
let me explain.

So, Bert is a...

disgruntled...
ex-utility employee,

Very much.
who's the leader
of a group

of water
conspiracy theorists

known as the Water Truthers.

I dismissed him at first,

as I do most
conspiracy theories,

but I looked into it,
and, well...

his theories hold water.

Damn straight
they do!

We're here.
Where?

This manhole here is a
secret, central entrance

which leads down
into the entire system.

Watch your toes.
Ooh.

(Bert grunting)

So, this is like...

the vagina of the system.

It's a manhole.

So, this manhole
is a vagina.

You're saying a lot
of crazy stuff.

Now come on,
let's see how

the corporate illuminati
control liquid.

This here is
the central

switching station
for West Covina.

Now, as you can see,
some of these pipes,

like this one here,

is being siphoned off.

That means that there's
a lack of water pressure,

which causes water heaters
to underperform,

since they're
only triggered

at a certain
pound-per-square-inch number.

It's the age-old trick.

You steal a little bit
from everybody,

nobody notices...

except ol' Bert here.

These pipes were

designed to supply water
throughout the county,

so they go both ways.

Both ways.
Interesting.

Yeah, but as
you can see from

this gauge right here,
the water's being forced

to go only one way.

Well, that's not fair.

Exactly.

The water in these pipes
want to go every which way.

Yes, yes, it does,
and it has every right to.

You're really into this water,
Darryl.

Well, I'm fascinated.
Okay.

The water is being diverted away
from the San Gabriel Valley

and towards Los Angeles.

Wait, but who
would do that?

They're called
Greater City Water,

a conglomerate
of utility companies,

reservoirs and aqueduct owners

working in cahoots
with local landlords.

S-so, you're saying...

I'm saying that it's not
just about one landlord,

it's about the entire

San Gabriel Valley
being exploited

by a corporation worth billions.

And if they're
worth billions,

then they can be
sued for billions.

Yes.

(chuckles)

And if they can be
sued for billions,

then that means Josh and I
are gonna eat Peruvian,

and Sicilian pizza

at the poutine place.

Ooh, at the Greek place,
at the mac and cheese place.

There's a rib place,

there's also a
good poke place.

Anyway, oh, I should go.

Me, too.

Cool, I'm just gonna go

back in my hole
and eat some rats.

Uh, here we go.

Hi.
Whoa, what are
you wearing?

Fly-fishing gear.

What are you wearing, dude?

Oh, uh, fly-fishing gear.

Okay, so, I found something out.

I found something out.

So did I.

Trent?

Now, it's true, I'm not gay.

I, Darryl Whitefeather...

I like both sexes.

I'm a both sexual.

Oh, God, it feels so good
to just say that out loud.

The term is, uh, bisex...

Mm.

Bisexual.

That was fun.

Oh, Rebecca,
perfect timing.

Trent just got here

five seconds ago.

Trent, baby.

It's so good to see you.

(squealing):
Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

(Rebecca laughs awkwardly)

(laughter)

Okay, let's hear it
for window washer...

ALL:
Gossip Fridays.

Oh, wait, who has got
the biggest scoop

from their work this week?

Mm.
Oh, there's a prostitute

breaking up marriages
all over town.

Okay, well I've got more news
about Rebecca and Josh.

Oh, my God, you mean
the crazy chick?

Excuse me, where do you
get off calling her crazy?

When Jerome broke
up with you,

it wasn't
exactly Sane City.

You left streaks
on every skyscraper in Burbank.

(laughs)

You said you'd never
mention that again.

Guess not.

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