Original subtitles

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[Michael] All right, Jim,

your quarterlies look very good.

How are things going at the library?

[Jim] Oh, I told you. I couldn't close it, so...

So you've come to the master for guidance?

[Chinese accent] Is this what you're saying, Grasshopper?

Uh, actually, you called me in here.

But, yeah.

All right, well, let me show you how it's done.

Yes, I'd like to speak to your office manager, please.

Yes, hello. This is Michael Scott.

I am the regional manager

of Dunder Mifflin paper products.

Just wanted to talk to you manager amanager.

All right, done deal!

[British accent] Thank you very much, sir!

You're gentleman and a scholar.

[normal voice] Oh, I'm sorry.

Okay. I'm sorry.

My mistake.

[clears throat]

That was a woman I was talking to, so...

She had a very low voice.

Probably a smoker.

So... [clears throat]

So that's the way it's done.

I've, uh, I've been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years.

The last four as regional manager.

Uh, if you wanna come through here.

Ah, see, we have the entire floor.

So this is my kingdom, far as the eye can see.

Ah, this is our receptionist, Pam.

[imitating Bamm-Bamm] Pam, Pam, Pam!

Pam Beasley.

Uh, Pam has been with us, um...for...forever.

Right, Pam?

Well, I don't know.

If you think she's cute now,

you should have seen her a couple of years ago.

Reow, reow.

What?

Uh, any messages?

Um...yeah. Just a fax.

Oh.

Pam, this is from corporate.

How many times have I told you

that there's a special filing cabinet

for things from corporate?

You haven't told me--

It's called the wastepaper basket!

[laughs]

Look at that!

Oh, look at that face.

People say I am the best boss.

They go,

"God, we've never worked in a place like this before.

"You're hilarious.

And you get the best out of us."

Um...

I think that pretty much sums it up.

I found it at Spencer Gifts.

♪ Shall I play for you ♪

♪ Pa rum pa pum pum ♪

[imitating drums]

♪ I have no gifts for you ♪

♪ Pa rum pa pum pum ♪

[imitating drums]

I'm Jim Halpert. I'm a sales rep.

Um, and that means that--

My job is to speak to clients, um, on the phone,

about... uh, quantities

and, uh, type of... copier paper.

You know, whether we can supply it to them,

whether they can, uh...

pay for it.

And, um...

[clicks tongue]

[laughs]

I'm--I'm boring myself just talking about this.

But it's a very important job.

Without me, dozens-- literally dozens--

of small businesses would go paperless.

They'd have to write on their hands

or bedsheets or who knows, you know?

Total chaos. Total chaos.

I mean, or they could get their paper somewhere else.

Staples, maybe. I don't know.

Dwight Schrute.

Dwight Schrute.

Schrute.

When I get up in the morning, I say,

"Dwight Schrute, you are going to assist

in the managing of the region."

That's a large geographical area.

So I hit the phones at 9:00.

It's all about selling

enormous amounts of paper products.

Wassuuuup?!

Wassuuuup?

I still love that after seven years.

Whasuuuup?

Whasuuuup?

Whasuuuuuuuuuup?

Whassup?

Ohh.

[groans, exhales]

You okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Played a little b-ball in the park last night.

Pick-up game.

Still paying for it today, though.

Can you even walk, Schrute?

Yeah.

Yeah? Did he tell you?

No. Oh, man.

No, it was awesome.

We were there, you know, we were warming up,

little give and go.

And these two guys come up,

and one of them's very urban, you know?

You know what I'm talking about.

African Americans.

And they're looking at us, thinking,

"Hey, these guys are in great shape, you know?

They're in their early 30s. Let's take 'em on."

Doh! On them.

Listen, I'm in there, I'm under the boards.

My elbows are just, like, "Pow, pow!"

No way, you can't get out.

Just flailing around.

This guy is, like, sweating--

he is some sort or crazed animal.

Just sweat pouring down--

Not in my house!

Screaming obscenities in their faces.

Five minutes, and they're like, "No way.

Man, we're outta here."

Sucka. [laughs]

It was classic.

It was classic. It was classic.

So good.

[exhales, groans]

What?

Nothin'.

Okay, all right.

See you later.

All right.

Take care.

Back to work!

[Jan] Just try to reach him sometime today.

Um, I don't know, just before lunch.

That would be great.

[Michael] Corporate really doesn't interfere with me at all.

Jan Levinson-Gould--

Jan! Hello!

I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Right? Not to her face, because, uh--

Well, not because I'm scared of her...

because I'm not.

But, um, yeah.

All right, was there anything

you wanted to add to the agenda?

Mmm...me no get an agenda.

I'm sor--what? I'm sorry?

I didn't get any agenda.

Well, I faxed one over to you this morning.

Really? 'Cause I didn't--I didn't--

Did we get a fax this morning?

Uh, yeah, the one--

Then why--why isn't it in my hand?

Because a company runs on efficiency of communication.

Right? [imitates gun firing]

Um, so what's the problem, Pam?

Why didn't, uh, why didn't I get it?

You put it in the garbage can

that was a special filing cabinet.

Yeah! Uh, that was a joke.

That was a joke that, uh,

was actually my brother's.

And it was-- [laughs]

it was supposed to be with bills,

and it doesn't work great with faxes.

Do you wanna look at mine? Yeah.

Yeah, I would. Thank you.

Okay, since the last meeting,

Alan and the board have decided

that we can't justify a Scranton branch

and a Stamford branch. Oh, okay.

Michael, don't panic--

No, no, no, no. This is good.

This is good. This is fine.

Michael, listen, okay? Don't panic.

Although alarm bells are kinda going

ringy dingy dingy! We haven't made any decisions yet.

I've spoken to Josh in Stamford.

I've told him the same as you,

and it's up to either you or him to convince me

that your branch can incorporate the other.

Okay, no problem.

This does, however, mean there's going to be downsizing.

Me no wanna hear that, Jan.

Because downsizing is a bitch.

It is a real bitch.

And I wouldn't wish that on Josh's men.

I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men.

Or women, present company excluded.

Sorry, uh...

Is Josh concerned about downsizing, himself?

Not downsizing himself,

but is he concerned about downsizing?

[laughs]

Question: How long do we have to act--

[telephone rings]

Oh, Todd Packer. Terrific rep.

Do you mind if I take it?

Go right ahead.

Packman.

[Todd] Hey, you big queen!

Oh, that's not... appropriate.

Hey, is old Godzillary coming in today?

Um, I don't know. I don't know what you mean.

Look, I've been meaning to ask her one question.

Does the carpet match the drapes?

Oh, my God.

Ohh!

That's...horrifying.

And horrible.

Horrible person.

So do you think we could keep a lid on this for now?

I don't wanna worry people unnecessarily.

No, absolutely.

Under this regime,

it will not leave this office.

Just...like that.

[whispering] So what does downsizing actually mean?

Well...

[whispering] You guys gotta update your résumés,

just like I'm doing.

I bet it's gonna be me.

It's probably gonna be me.

Yeah, it'll be you.

But you're late a lot.

My name is Angela, and I'm in charge

of the accounting department.

There are three of us: Kevin and Oscar.

Not very worried about downsizing right now

because I think you've met Kevin,

and, um...

I don't wanna be laid off.

This is a good job for me.

'Cause I need my nights free.

I'm in a band.

Oscar is, uh...

Oscar--how do I describe him?

He's like a stapler.

Do I need a stapler? Yes.

But I'm still the one that has to push it down.

I don't wanna get laid off.

This place is, like, five minutes from my house.

I have an important question for you.

Yes?

[laughing] Um, are you going to Angela's cat party on Sunday?

Yeah--stop. That is ridiculous.

[Michael] Am I gonna tell them?

No, I'm not going to tell them.

I don't see the point of that.

As a doctor, you would not tell a patient

if they had cancer.

All these people are walking around,

and they're happy,

and their lives are just going along,

and ignorance is bliss.

But if they knew what was lurking

on the other side of that fence,

that furry monster-- "I'm gonna get you downsizing!"

No, they wouldn't-- they'd freak.

And I'm not gonna play God.

They look to me for support,

and they look to me for guidance and leadership,

and I think, if I can lie to them

and it serves them, then that's what I'm gonna do.

I think better to be a happy idiot

than a, um--

than someone who knows the truth.

What you don't know--

well, it can hurt you,

but if you don't know it won't hurt you,

then you can just be happy for a little while, at least.

Hey!

Hey! This is Mr. Scott.

Guilty! Guilty as charged.

Ryan Howard from the temp agency.

Uh-huh.

Daniqua sent me down to start today.

Howard, like Moe Howard, Three Stooges.

Watch this, this is Moe.

Nyuck! Nyuck! Nyuck! Nyuck! Nyuck!

Meeeeh!Ha ha!

Ah, right here. Three Stooges.

High five!Oh, Pam.

It's a guy thing, Pam.

I'm sort of a student of comedy.

[laughs]

Watch this. Check it out.

[shouting in faux German]

[guffaws]

I'm Hitler!

Adolf Hitler.

[speaking in faux German]

I don't think it would be the worst thing

if they let me go.

Because then I might--

I just--I don't think it's many little girls' dream

to be a receptionist.

Um, I like to do illustrations.

Um, mostly watercolor.

A few oil pencil. Um...

Jim thinks they're good.

I, uh... I just--

I don't know the next step to take with that.

Um, I would like to, I just--I don't--

I guess I just expect someone to call up and be like,

"We need 1,000 reams of copier paper, envelopes,

and someone to illustrate a children's book."

Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.

These are the salespeople.

They make us lots and lots of money.

Right, guys?

Here's accounting. The numbers dudes.

Do not let the job description fool you.

They are all completely crazy.

Especially that guy. He is a mental patient.

Not literally, of course. That wouldn't work.

Last place you want somebody like that is accounting.

Very interesting, but stupid.

Arte Johnson. [laughs]

So, well, it's a crazy place.

Sure--uh, Mr. Davis, let me call you right back.

Yeah, something just came up. Two minutes.

Thank you very much.

Dwight, what are you doing?

What? What are you doing?

Just clearing my desk. I can't concentrate.

It's not on your desk.

It's overlapping.

It's all spilling over the edge.

One word, two syllables: demarcation.

You can't do that.

Why not?

Safety violation.

I could fall and pierce... an organ.

We'll see.

[phone rings]

See, this is why the whole downsizing thing

just doesn't bother me. Downsizing?

Downsizing?

Yeah, I have no problem with that.

I have been recommending downsizing

since I first got here.

I even brought it up in my interview.

I say bring it on.

If I have to work another day with him,

I will... [clicks tongue]

I will slit my throat.

Yeah, but that's not how you're gonna do it.

Take the knife, insert behind the trachea,

and pull.

[imitates blood gushing]

You just still have these messages from yesterday.

Relax, everything's under control.

Uh, yeah, uh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's important.Right.

Oh, this is so important I should run to answer it.

Sha-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!

Sha-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!

Sha-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!

Sha-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!

Sha-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!

Sha-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!

Sha-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!

Sha-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!

Sha-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!

What?

Come on!

Six Million Dollar Man!

Steve Austin!

Actually, that would be a good salary for me,

don't you think?

$6 million?

Memo to Jan: I deserve a raise.

Don't we all?

I'm sorry?

It's nothing.

If you're unhappy with your compensation,

maybe you should take it up with HR, okay?

Not today, okay?

Pam, just... be professional.

[sighs deeply]

What upsets me about my job?

Wasted talent.

See, corporate could come down here,

and they could say, "Excuse me, Michael.

"How do you do it?

"How do you get a team to work so well together?

How do you make people so happy and so efficient?"

They could ask me that.

Um, but they don't ask me anything.

And that's the tragedy.

[vocalizing softly]

[clears throat]

I don't like acting like a kid.

Know what I mean?

But he's just--

What are you doing? He's kind of...

Uh, to be honest, Dwight,

I don't wanna have to look at you, so...

You can't do that.

Uh, why not?

Health and safety regulations.

Health and safety reg--

Um, I'm not sure where you're going with that.

Crushed by cardboard or...

No.

Number one, blocking out light.

[whispers] That's good.

Number two...

misuse of company files.

Misuse of company files.

Well, I paid off my student loans, so that's good.

And then I wanted to buy a new car--

not used, but, you know, new car

by the time I was 25, and I did that.

Accomplished that.

Since then, I haven't gone back to school.

I haven't gotten married.

I haven't written a book,

or I haven't had kids or anything,

but--you know what?

But my car is almost five now.

And that thing is smart as a whip.

Real smart.

Knight Ridersmart.

I wanted to talk about my father.

I learned a lot from my father.

The main thing, the main lesson he taught me:

pain.

I can hold my finger in the flame of a match

for 11 seconds.

Could I get a price on matte-coated SRA-1?

Uh, if I can't see you, I can't hear you, Dwight, so...

Just tell me.

No, I can't hear you, so if you want--

I'm right here. You can just tell me right now.

No, if you wanna speak to me, just give me a call, okay?

[phone ringing]

It's in voice mail.

Yeah, just leave a message.

Hi, it's me, Dwight.

Uh, I need a price on matte--

God, this is stupid.

You're right, this is stupid.

Ugh, sorry about that, man.

This--I'm sorry.

What did you ask me?

Okay. Good.

I need a tonnage price on matte-coated SRA-1.

Now, I've got 360 down here.

I know that can't be right.

I was speaking to Dave earlier about...

I know you're not there.

And so you can't hear

what I'm currently saying,

but I'm not talking to myself, because they're filming.

People respond to the human touch,

and that's what I give them.

I can look at a client, and I can say,

"Hello, how are you?

How's business been going?"

And we can go back and forth for some time,

and then I'll say,

"How much-- how many reams do you want?"

And they'll order it,

and then I'll take care of all the sales.

I'll make sure that they get that paper.

And they appreciate that.

Heya, heya.

What's that?

Wired. Oh, John Belushi.

Wild and crazy guy.

Ooh, freaked myself out this morning.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Thought I found a lump, you know?

I check the, uh-- check the jewels every month.

This time, you know, it's a little different.

It was fine. It's fine.

But freaky, man, you know?

Testicular cancer? God.

Cancer of the ol' testicles, so...

What--what you eating?

A smoked turkey. Oh.

Oh, place from the corner?

Mm-hmm. Nice.

Okay, see you later.

I think I'm a role model here.

I think I garner people's respect.

Attention all Dunder Mifflin employees, please.

We have a meeting in the conference room, ASAP.

[Michael] People I respect, heroes of mine, would be...

Bob Hope.

Um... Abraham Lincoln.

Definitely.

Bono.

Uh, and probably God...

would be the fourth one.

And I just think all those people

really helped the world

in so many ways

that it's, um...

it's really beyond words.

[mispronouncing] It's really incalcalacable.

Now, I know there are some rumors out there,

and I just kinda wanna set the record straight--

I'm assistant regional manager. I should know first.

Assistant tothe regional manager.

Okay, um, can you just tell me, please?

Just tell me quietly. Can you whisper it in my ear?

I'm just about to tell everyone.

Can't you just tell us-- Please!

Okay? Do you want me to tell them?

You don't know what it is.

[chuckles]

Okay, you tell them. With my permission.

I don't need-- Permission granted. Go ahead.

Corporate has deemed it appropriate

to enforce an ultimatumupon me.

And Jan is thinking about downsizing

either the Stamford branch or this branch.

I heard they might be closing this branch down.

That's just...

That's just the rumor going around.

This is my first day. I don't really know.

Yeah, but, Michael, what if they downsize here?

Not gonna happen.

It could be out of your hands, Michael.

It won't be out of my hands, Stanley, okay?

I promise you that.

Oh, can you promise that?

On his mother's grave.

Well...

No!

Well, yeah, it is a promise.

And, frankly, I'm a little bit insulted

that you have to keep asking about it.

It's just that we need to know.

I--I know. Hold on a second.

I think Pam wanted to say something.

Pam, you, uh...

had a look that you wanted to ask a question

just now.

I was in the meeting with Jan,

and she did say that it could be this branch

that gets the axe.

Are you sure about that?

Look, Pam...

Uh, maybe you should stick

to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings.

Pam, information is power.

So...

[Stanley] So you can't say for sure

whether it's gonna be us or them, can you?

No, no, no, no.

Stanley, no.

You did not see me in there with her.

I said if, uh, if corporate

wants to come in here and interfere,

then they're gonna have to go through me.

Right?

You know, you can go mess with Josh's people.

But I'm the head of this family,

and you ain't gonna be messin' with my chillun'.

Stanley, listen.

This is my ship, and I am the captain,

and you're just gonna have to trust me, okay?

Everybody's gonna be fine.

Look, Michael, it's not a question of trust.

[Michael] Yeah, it is.

It is a question of trust,Stanley.

And, um... do you trust me?

I mean, yes or no?

Yes, Michael. I trust you.

Okay, he does. So meeting adjourned.

[Dwight] Good, it was an excellent meeting.

[Michael] Thank you very much for coming.

I would've conducted an--

can I just ask how many of you trust me?

Can I get a show of hands, how many of you trust me?

[Michael] Dwight, you don't have to do this.

Phyllis, put your hand down, please.

[Dwight] Uh, you asked them.

I'm assistant regional manager.

Assistant to the regional manager.

Thanks for coming in. You're welcome.

Do you trust me? No.

If I left, what would I do with...

all this useless information in my head?

You know?

Tonnage price of manila folders?

Um, Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt?

Which is mixed berry.

[Pam] Jim said mixed berries?

Oh, well, yeah, he's onto me.

Um... [laughs]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Watch out for this guy.

Dwight Schrute in the building.

This is Ryan, the new temp.

What's up? Nice to meet you.

Introduce yourself. Be polite.

Uh, Dwight Schrute, Assistant regional manager.

Assistant tothe regional manager.

So, uh, Dwight, tell him about the kung fu

and the car and everything.

Uh, yeah, I got a '78 280Z.

I bought it for 1,200, fixed it up.

It's now worth three grand.

That is his profit.

Yeah, uh, new engine, suspension.

I got a respray. I got some photos.

Oh! Damn it!

Jim! I--

Hold on, hold on. Judge is in session.

What is the problem here?

He put my stuff in Jell-O again!

[Pam laughing]

That's real professional. Thanks.

This is the third time, and it wasn't funny

the first two times either, Jim!

It's okay here.

Uh, but people sometimes take advantage

because it's so relaxed.

I'm a volunteer sheriff's deputy on the weekends.

And you cannot screw around there.

It's sort of one of the rules.

[laughing] What is that?

That's my stapler.

No, no, no, no! Do not take it out.

You have to eat it out of there,

because there are starving people in the world,

and, which I hate,

and it is a waste of that kind of food.

Okay, you know what? You can be a witness.

Can you reprimand him, please?

How do you know it was me?

[Dwight] It's always you.

Are you gonna discipline him or not?

Ooh, discipline, kinky!

All right, here's the deal, you guys.

Thing about a practical joke is that you have to know

when to start as well as when to stop.

And, yeah,

Jim, now is the time

to stop putting Dwight's personal effects

into Jell-O.

[clears throat] Okay.

Dwight, I'm sorry, because...

I have always been your biggest flan.

[laughs]

Ho ho ho, nice!

That's the way it is around here.

It just kind of goes round and round and round.

You, uh, you should have put him in "custardy."

Oh, hey! Yes!

New guy! And he scores.

Okay, that's great.

I guess what I'm most concerned with

is damage to company property.

That's all.

Pudding.

Putting.

I'm trying to think what other dessert to do.

[Jim] My dream job?

Part-time astronaut? You know?

And that would leave time to do something

having to do with music, because, I mean,

I think the best way to get a girl is with the music.

And the best way to really impress a lady

is to say that you weekend on the moon.

Right? Is that just me?

[both chuckle]

Do you like going out

at the end of the week for a drink?

Yeah.

Well, that's why we're all going out.

So that we can have an end-of-the-week drink.

So when are we going out?

I don't know. Tonight, hopefully.

Okay, yeah.

Hey, man.

Hey! What's going on?

Hi, baby. Hey.

Uh, Roy is my fiancé.

We've been engaged about, um...

about three years.

And, uh, we were supposed to get married in September,

but I think we're gonna get married in the spring.

Roy is a good...

sized guy.

You know, he's big.

I mean, he's great. He must be--

he must be great, you know?

But, uh, he's big.

[Pam] Roy proposed on Valentine's Day.

Well, he didn't actually do it in person.

He did it through one of the little Valentine ads

in the paper, and it said--

it must've cost money by the word, because it only said,

"Roy love Pam marriage?"

Which I think is great, because it's not every day

that you get something that's both romantic and thrifty.

Do you mind if I go out for a drink with these guys?

Uh, no, no, come on.

Let's get out of here, go home.

Okay, um, I'm gonna be a few minutes, though.

It's only 20 past 5:00.

I still have to do my faxes, so...

You know what? You should come with us.

Because, you know, we're all going out,

and it could be a good chance for you to...

see what people are like outside of the office.

You know, I think it could be fun.

No, it sounds good.

Oh, no.

Seriously, we gotta get going.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um...what's in the-- what's in the bag?

Just tell her I'll talk to her later.

No, definitely. All right, dude, awesome.

Will do.

Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding?

I love Roy because he's, um...

he's very protective.

He's, um, a good provider.

That's what my dad says.

Strong.

Um... I--

I just--I know I love him

because of how much my family loves him.

So, uh, have you felt the vibe yet?

We work hard, we play hard.

Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard.

Right?

Um, I guess the atmosphere that I've created here

is that I'm a friend first

and a boss second.

Probably, uh-- [knock on door]

entertainer third.

Just a second! Right?

Oh, hey, do you, uh,

do you like The Jamie Kennedy Experiment?

Yeah. Punk'd and all that kind of stuff?

Okay, um...

you are gonna be my accomplice.

Just go along with it, okay?

All right. Just follow my lead.

Don't pimp me, all right? Come in!

So, uh, corporate just said that I don't want to-- You got a fax.

Oh, thank you, Pam.

Pam, can you come in here for a sec?

Just have a seat.

I was gonna call you in anyway.

Um, you know Ryan.

Um, as you know,

there's going to be downsizing.

And you have made my life so much easier

in that I am going to have to let you go first.

What? Why?

Why? Well, theft.

And stealing.

Stealing?

Mm-hmm.

Um, what am I supposed to have stolen?

Post-it notes.

Post-it notes? Yeah.

What are those worth, like, 50 cents?

50 cents, yeah.

You steal 1,000 Post-It notes at 50 cents apiece,

and, you know, you've made a profit...margin.

You know, gonna run us out of business, Pam.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I, um...

Um, what-- I can't believe this.

I mean, I've never even stolen as much as a paper clip,

and now you're firing me.

And the best thing about it is that, uh,

we're not gonna have to give you any severance pay.

Because that is gross misconduct, and, uh...

So just clean out your desk. I'm sorry.

[sobbing]

You've been "X'd," punk!

Surprise! It's a joke!

We were joking around!

[laughs] See?

Okay, he was in on it.

He was my accomplice.

And it was just kind of a morale booster thing.

And we were showing the new guy around, kind of--

kind of giving him the feel of the place.

So you sh--

God, you were-- We totally got you--

You're a jerk!

Ah, I don't know about that.

[door slams]

What is the most important thing for a company?

Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory?

Nuh-uh.

It's the people.

The people.

My proudest moment here

was not when I increased profits by 17%.

Or when I cut expenses

without losing a single employee.

No, no, no, no, no.

It was a young Guatemalan guy.

First job in the country, barely spoke English.

Came to me and said,

[Spanish accent] "Mr. Scott,

would you be the godfather of my child?"

[normal voice] Wow. Wow.

Wow.

Didn't work out in the end.

We had to let him go. He sucked.

[sniffles]

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

How are you? Good.

I thought you were going out for a drink with--

Oh, no, no.

Just going to, uh...

How's your headache?

It's better. Thanks. Good.

Good, that's great.

Is, uh-- Yeah?

Um, are you, uh...

Am I walking out?

Yes.

Yes. Do you wanna?

Yeah. Great.

Let me just-- [car horn honking]

Oh, Roy. Yeah.

Listen, have a nice weekend.

Yeah, definitely. You too.

Enjoy it.

[door closes]

[sighs]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Tell you about Michael Scott? Me?

Moi? Michael Scott?

[car horn honks]

Uh...

It sounds like the lunch cart is here.

We're trying to shoot something up here!

Do I need to speak up?

Hello?

This is directly in a blind spot,

so I'm trained to respond negatively

to something right above my head.

This camera stuff is great.

This now, I have an eye on, you see.

It's in my periphery, and if I needed to

block it, attack it, stop it somehow,

I could come right out.

I mean, I know you're doing your job,

but I'm doing my job.

Look how big that gets.

[toy imitates flatulence]

It's like smarty pants, but I call it farty pants.

So a guy called and he thought that--

he literally thought that our ad said opiate paper.

Opiate paper.

And he bought a fair amount of opiate paper.

I did correct him once. I said "copier paper."

And he just didn't hear me, so...

But it was a good month.

Can I just say one thing?

Um, my friend is Jewish, Eric Geller.

And a couple years ago, he, um...

showed me how to-- I can plant a tree in Israel,

so I planted a tree.

So--you know, 'cause--

yeah, we work in paper, but, you know,

I try to give back.

I want people, when they come in here,

to just know that it's not all business.

It's mostly business, but it's not all business.

It's business, but it's kind of--

there's the fun side of business.

A lot of people have some complaints

about Michael being too tough of a boss.

I don't think Michael's a tough boss.

I like discipline.

I like being told what to do.

I get off on it.

I know what people say about me,

that I don't have a sense of humor.

But that's just not true.

I find a lot of things funny.

Um, monkeys are funny.

They're very funny.

I guess my main philosophy is this.

I know how to kill you,

but that doesn't necessarily mean that I will.

Hello, I'm Michael Scott.

I'm the best boss in the world.