Original subtitles

SHAW BROTHERS (HK) LTD. A SHAW STUDIOS PRODUCTION

TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR

PRESENTED BY RUN RUN SHAW

ART DIRECTION BY JOHNSON TSAO

SPECIAL EFFECTS BY CHUA LAM

PRODUCED BY MONA FONG

DIRECTED BY ALEX CHEUNG

My wife is as thin as a bone

Other people's wives are full-figured

What's this?

Am I dreaming?

No! Stop kidding around!

Stop! Help!

My god! What a mess! Get the people out of here!

- Tell these people to leave. - Yes, sir.

This is categorized as a dangerous area! Please leave at once!

This is categorized as a dangerous area! Please leave at once!

You two, stay. You, go there.

Check it out.

- Dr. Lo has arrived, over. - Copy, over.

Dr. Lo has arrived.

- What's the situation? - Dr. Lo, the weather's bad, and it's windy.

We won't be able to find anything.

- Where's the witness? - Over there.

- Hi. - Hi. This is the witness.

Sir...

What did you see last night?

It was so bright. I was scared to death.

It must've been the appearance of the Lord Buddha!

It looks like a burn injury, probably from infrared rays.

What's going on?

The detector's reacting. There's probably an unknown object approaching.

There's a UFO!

Look!

Lord Buddha!

Halt!

Hey, you have so many lights. Are you pretending to be a flying saucer?

They say there's a UFO. We just came to check it out.

- What's your name? - My name is Yee Din.

- What's your name? - I'm K0 Lun-boum.

That's the name of an inspector.

- We're in the same line of work. - Where's your ID?

My mom remarried a guy with surname Hung.

Just call me Ah-hung.

Hung Lun-boum?

What's so funny?

We're private eyes.

Private eyes...

We just catch cheats or collect bad debts.

We have to collect debts for Loan Shark King this time.

Boss, we just do it in order to survive.

Ng Fat. Pay up! Stop!

Stop!

He got away.

- Shit! Are you all right? - I'm fine.

Do you know how to drive?

9h, my god! Jesus!

Why didn't you watch where you were going?

He)', you, too!

What? You just hit someone!

- You... - What?

- You think you're so good? - What?

Thank goodness you're here, Constable.

You call me Constable instead of Officer?

- Well, he... - He drove into my cart.

He...

It's you, Mr. Kwok, isn't it?

I've seen him in the newspapers.

It was his cart's fault. It scratched my front bumper.

- But, Officer, he hit... - But what, eh?

The major road has the right of way over the minor road.

Which is the minor road? Which is the major road?

Have you measured it with a ruler? Stand aside.

Who owns the cart?

- I do. - Driver's license, please.

I need a driver's license for a cart?

A license is required for all things with wheels on the road.

- Even wheelchairs? - Quiet. Driver's license, please.

I don't have one.

- I don't. - What about ID?

Here.

This looks nothing like you!

That was before my plastic surgery. Nice, right?

She's beautiful!

- Wow! - Watch it, you idiot!

Is my vision blurry?

It's Marilyn Monroe!

Fire!

Incredible!

She's gorgeous.

- Where's that pretty girl? - Here.

She's stunning.

You're too late.

Hey, I want Sophia Loren's lips,

Goldie Hawn's eyes, and Barbara Streisand's nose.

Make me look at least 90 percent similar.

Ma'am...

Miss...

You can't get that kind of make-up here. I can recommend another place.

- Is it free? - You don't need to pay, your family will.

How come?

Also, you can get Lin Dai's eyes, Lam Fung's nose,

Loh Ti's mouth, and Renee Pai's figure.

- We like the sound of that! - Damn you!

Are you kidding me? They're all dead!

Stop it.

The Boss Lady is here! Let's go!

Hey, what are you all doing? Don't you need to work?

Do you still want to get paid? This is ridiculous!

You're distracting them from work! I'll fire you if you continue!

- It's not my fault. - Isn't it?

Such a pretty girl.

No one's working here! I don't want my make-up done anymore. This is crazy!

But, Miss...

Look at you. You chased away that customer. Happy now?

You're such a beauty.

What's with your eyes? Are you trying to seduce my husband, too?

Out of the way!

You're still winking? Stop winking. Stop it!

What's wrong?

Sir! Sir!

What's happened? What's wrong?

You vixen! This is all because you made eyes at him!

Don't come back to work tomorrow!

Somebody help! Somebody help!

We have to carry him out.

Be careful. Careful.

Why did you fire me?

Why?

Miss, you'll find work elsewhere.

Why am I so unlucky in life?

I lost in the Miss Hong Kong competition.

Then the store who sponsored me shut down.

Now, I can't even do make-up for a living!

Things always go wrong. Cheer up.

I just want to die!

- Hey! You won't die from drinking this. - Don't be stupid.

- What are you doing? - Fragrance is a euphemism for death.

If I die from drinking perfume, I'll leave my good reputation behind!

- Even insects want to live! - Give it to me!

- You mustn't die! - Stop!

- Just let me die! - Hey.

I just want to die!

- He finished it off! - Give it to me.

Why are you doing this?

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star!

Miss, why are you so sad?

Quietly I ask who made his eyes

Like a 10,000-pound powerful bomb

Staring at him excites me

Making me want him for breakfast

Like heat rising and falling in my heart

I swing round, unable to stop

His gaze strikes my heart

Sending me all in a panic

The sky and earth shine bright, making me happy and crazy

His eyes shine brightly in my pretty face

Making me rush toward the sweetness

And I suddenly become all coquettish

The mountains and paths are bright, hiding their dark secrets

His eyes glow at me, I feel like I'm on a trampoline

The earth feels so hot

And my forehead streams with fragrant sweat

Quietly I run towards him

It makes me feel so giddy

His gaze stirs my heart

My heart bubbles like boiling soup

Like a heatwave running wildly through my heart

I feel confused, my vision blurred

Then our eyes suddenly meet

Setting off a thousand fireworks

The sky and earth shine bright, making me happy and crazy

His eyes shine brightly in my pretty face

Making me rush towards the sweetness

And suddenly I become all coquettish

The mountains and paths are bright, hiding their dark secrets

His eyes glow at me, I feel like I'm on a trampoline

The earth feels so hot

And my forehead streams with fragrant sweat

The sky and earth are bright, making me happy and crazy

His eyes shine brightly in my pretty face

Making me rush towards the sweetness

And suddenly I become all coquettish

The mountains and paths are bright, hiding their dark secrets

His eyes glow at me, I feel like I'm on a trampoline

The earth feels so hot

_ el HOW? ' | do!

Let's meet my father tomorrow. I'm sure he'll like you.

Sure!

What's wrong? Why do you look so sad?

I feel very happy.

But when I'm happy, something sad always happens.

Father, this is Miss Tin-chun.

Please...

"Miss Li Tin-chun, 18 years old.

"Vital statistics: 34-24-36.

"IQ..."

What is it?

What is it? Tell me!

- I don't know. - Forget it, then.

Miss Li, I want to test your IQ.

What's that?

What are you laughing at? How undisciplined!

How impertinent!

Miss Li, let me ask you a question.

If a person locked himself in an empty house,

and hung from a beam with his feet almost six feet from the ground,

and there's only water on the floor with nothing to put his feet on,

how did he successfully commit suicide?

He peed his pants.

How can he hang himself by peeing his pants?

_ He knows Qinggong- - Wrong!

So, he doesn't know Qinggong...

Ah! He stood on top of a pig!

What's with all the noise? Wrong!

- He licked something. - Wrong!

- He was electrocuted. - Wrong!

- He marched. - Wrong!

- He nodded. - Wrong!

- He shook his head. - Wrong!

- He waved his hands. - Wrong!

He stretched.

- He yawned. - Wrong!

- Wrong! Wrong! - Well, I... Ouch!

Father, she got it right, she said snow.

The person who hanged himself used some snow that melted into water.

- Right! - Did I ask you?

Miss Li, what exactly did you say?

I just said, "Ouch!"

- No, you said the answer before. - Stop talking and shut up!

What exactly did you say?

- Snow. - Say it!

- Snow. - Yes! Great!

- Quiet! - Snow!

If you don't keep quiet,

I'll shoot all of you, you fools!

Another question!

Dad, you...

Are you a virgin?

Tell me!

Tell me!

Can you give me a clue?

She's so stupid!

I did it!

Calm down now. Let me give you some.

This'll be good.

After drinking this, you'll become like the Incredible Hulk.

Your adrenaline levels will increase, and you'll have more hormones.

And then, you'll be hornier, so only drink a little.

Let me have a drink to celebrate first.

It's fine.

Luckily, it's all fine.

Did you...?

Who am I like now?

You're like the private eye, Sherlock Holmes.

You fool. We catch cheats or collect bad debts. Do I look like him?

Such is the life of a private eye in Hong Kong.

Sherlock Holmes? As if!

- Who are you looking for? - Move!

He's here.

- Stop! - Stop!

Stop! Stop!

- What do you think you're doing? - I was gonna jump off the building.

Why?

I can't pay the debt, so I was gonna jump off the building.

Why borrow money from a loan shark if you can't pay, man?

Be fiercer.

Why borrow money from a loan shark if you can't pay?

- But that's why we got a loan! - Please, have pity.

Loans must be paid back.

We'll figure out a way to pay.

- We don't have any money. - You don't?

We really don't. It's all gone.

We don't have any.

You won't when I take it!

Got it!

I knew you'd have it.

- You can pay back the I.O.U., then. - Thank you so much.

I.O.U.

Oh, no! I'm doomed!

- This time I'm doomed! - Stand up.

- I have 15 children to feed. - We do!

- And my wife is pregnant. - Ooh!

And my parents have just swam over. Look.

Take a look.

- Rock, paper, scissors! - Rock, paper, scissors!

And I have Vietnamese relatives here, too.

Win or lose.

Hello, cousin. I'm here.

You've come here, cousin? But it's going to be 1997 soon.

Now another one has arrived.

Look, if you don't give me the money back, I'm dead.

- We're doomed. - We're dead.

- You said you have 15 children. - Yes.

If you can find six of them, I won't make you pay.

- But they're in school. - Yes, they are.

- Then the deal's off. - Well...

Go and find them! Go and find them!

All right, I'll go find them now.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six... Hey! Why is she so dark?

Well, she was born in the middle of the night.

- That's right. - She was born in the middle of the night?

- Can I go now? - Just wait.

- She really was. - Boss...

You have to keep your word. Give him back the money.

- Mind your business! - Yes.

Please give us back the money.

- Please. - Do us a good deed.

- Please. - Fine! I'll give you this back.

- But remember to pay next time. - Of course.

Why are you always here?

Come home right now!

- Please stay. - No, it's time to go home.

- Bye.

- Let me explain. - Are you trying to fool me?

- Give me the money back! - But I have 15 children!

- Please! Don't go! - What are you doing?

- Get lost! - Ah-Fat! Ah-Fat!

You're evil people!

- Listen... - I always see stars just flying by.

What kind of stars are they?

- They're called... - Shooting stars.

Right!

Foreigners say that if you hold a pocket corner

and make a wish when you see a shooting star, your wish will come true.

How nice!

I hope we see a shooting star later and I can make a wish.

You're having a physical examination with the doctor tomorrow.

But afterwards, the report will be handed to my father.

Then we can get married.

But there's something I want to ask you.

What is it?

Are you...

What is it? Tell me.

Say it!

What is it? Tell me.

Are you a virgin or not?

Of course not!

I'm not Virgin. My English name is Virginia.

Why are you laughing at me?

That scared me! That's not what I'm asking.

I'm asking if you've ever been... kissed.

Gosh.

How can you ask such a dirty thing?

You're bad. I'm going to tell your father.

I think she still is.

A shooting star!

Pocket... I don't have a pocket. I'll borrow your pocket corner.

I hope I grow up quickly and become smart.

And become more beautiful.

No! She hasn't had her examination!

If you do that now, your father won't let you marry her.

Go for it! She's yours sooner or later!

No! Your father won't like it, and neither will God.

God's a Buddhist. He doesn't care either way!

Don't!

- Do it! Do it! - Don't!

- Go for it! - Don't!

- Do it! - Don't do it!

- What do I do? - Do it!

- Stop or I won't play nice. - Eh? Angels don't get violent.

But demons can get violent. Do it!

She's all yours!

Gosh. I bumped my head.

Why are you asleep?

It's gone.

It's gone.

How come?

Why is that?

What is this? Why is the sun here?

Help!

No!

Why is this happening?

Why?

- Miss Li Tin-chun! - Miss Li!

- Where are you? - Miss Li!

- Miss Li Tin-chun! - Miss Tin-chun!

- Can you hear us? - Tin-chun!

Where did she go?

- Miss Li! - Tin-chun!

Miss Li!

Hey, I found something!

- Where is she? - Here.

Tin-chun, are you okay? I couldn't find you after I opened my eyes.

Talk to me, Tin-chun!

Calm down, sir. Let us ask her.

Miss Li, where did you go last night?

I saw a big sun.

A big sun?

Eh? How come?

The weather report said there were dense clouds last night.

Yes, so she couldn't have seen the sun.

Why are you discussing the weather?

Let's ask her again.

Miss Li, what did you see after seeing the sun?

The sun lifted me up.

- A close encounter of the third kind. - An encounter?

- Tin-chun, then what happened? - Tell us.

They said they came from another planet.

Because of air pollution, they're becoming extinct,

so they travelled to Earth in order to mate.

So, aliens raped you...?

Could it be a close encounter of the fourth kind?

A close encounter of the fourth kind?

-So... -So...

-So... -So...

So, she's not a virgin!

It just so happens that she's having a physical examination,

and she's had a close encounter of the fourth kind.

- How ridiculous. Are you kidding me? - Father...

I believe in Tin-chun. I love her.

Just forget that aliens raped her...

Anyway, I love her. I need her.

My love for her remains unchanged. Nothing will change that.

You're such a failure!

The Kwok family never use second-hand goods.

No second-hand hats!

No second-hand clothes!

We built this house.

Nothing in this house is second-hand.

But this is second-hand!

You idiot! If you're so good, go find an ancient well as valuable as this antique!

Father, in this age, a space shuttle has already been to space and back.

Are you talking back at me?

Father, your way of thinking is obsolete. It doesn't work in today's society!

We must break the yoke of old-fashioned thinking

and fight for freedom in love.

China's in decline because of people like you!

You're only interested in profit and care nothing about other people.

You think money is everything. You're wrong! Money is evil.

You crazy idiot! I don't want to talk to you.

Stop! Listen to me.

We don't need money. We just want dignity!

We want rights!

We want a happy life!

You are shameless, unkind, tawdry, despicable, and cheap.

You live in isolation and know nothing about technological progress.

Our society won't advance because of too many people like you!

It's fine for you to obstruct my marriage.

But there are many Chinese people, and you can't stop all of them!

Bravo! Bravo!

Bravo! Bravo!

But you still can't use second-hand goods.

This is a real second hand!

- Second hand! - Second hand! Second hand!

Damn it.

Move!

- Back! - Quick!

This is the first hand!

The chopped off one is the second hand!

What he's holding is the third hand.

I don't like anything second-hand, so I chopped it off!

You little brat! You disobedient son!

Second-hand! Second-hand!

Second-hand! Second-hand!

I'll let you choose now, between something cheap or gold?

Cheap is this second-hand girl. Gold is all my assets.

I'll count to ten. You decide now.

- One, two, three, four, five, six... - Gold!

That's a good son.

- Who is it? - I don't know. I can only see a big ear.

It's Big Ear Lung.

Mr. Lung.

Count it.

Exactly 10,000 HKD, no more, no less.

Mr. Lung, the boss is good, right?

What? He's good?

You crazy fool. Don't you accept payment? Don't I pay you?

Don't you want money from me? Don't you want me to pay you?

Won't you take money from me now? You crazy fool.

You must give us credit. We caught TB from collecting money.

We get paid so little for such a big job. Is that reasonable?

If I didn't look after you, how come you have such a beautiful office?

That's because...

Money talks.

- If you won't do it, other people will. - Mr. Lung...

Mr. Lung, how much does Ng Fat owe you?

Why do you ask?

He borrowed 800 HKD from me.

He paid back 10,000 HKD for 800 HKD? You're ruthless.

Ruthless? I went easy on him, considering the interest.

Fried dough sticks were 50 cents then. It's one dollar now.

Boss, it's one dollar fifty on the corner.

Shut it.

I do things properly. Here's 300 dollars.

This is yours. Take it.

- Thank you, Mr. Lung. - There's more.

I have your tips, too. You deserve this.

- Oh, good. - What's so good? Don't I feed you?

Let's go.

If I use this money, it'll bring me bad karma!

Boss, you'll get bad karma if you waste it, though.

I'll pick it all up.

Sherlock Holmes, Charlie Chan, and Charlie's Angels!

They're all private eyes.

Why do they have such prestige and I don't?

Boss... those are just in the movies.

Then let's make movies, too.

I wonder who that is.

Who is it?

- Could the lens be broken? - Who is it?

- It's Ng Fat, but in black and white. - You're co-lour blind.

- Then his co-lour must have faded. - Just open the door.

- Hey, what's going on? - Move, murderer!

What's going on?

What are you doing? What's going on, Mrs. Ng?

You evil man, I brought all 15 children for you to see.

- Why are you dressed like this? - See for yourself!

"Committed suicide to escape punishment for embezzlement."

- Let's go! - Let me explain.

This has nothing to do with me. Let me explain.

- You evil man! - Let me explain.

There's no need to explain!

- You're an evil man! - But...

Boss.

Including that one on her back, there are really 15 children.

Why?

Why? Other private eyes work on behalf of the people, while I harm people!

- Why? - Boss, stop!

- Why? - Stop!

Boss, stop. Don't do this.

Just let me die!

I want to die! I want to die!

- I'll hit my head against the wall. - Don't.

- I'll hit my head against the wall and die! - No! No!

Ng Fat! Ng Fat!

How can I go and explain it to Ng Fat?

If he won't forgive me, I really don't want to live anymore.

When you see Ng Fat, you'll want to live.

You can't be considered a human anymore.

- Do you want to kick me to death? - It's you?

It's you? What a coincidence.

- Are you committing suicide? - Yes.

- You, too? - Me, too.

Let's do it together, so we can accompany each other.

I don't know how to tie this.

How troublesome. You don't even know how to commit suicide.

Let me do it.

I haven't died before.

Lift your leg.

Why are you committing suicide?

I've been unlucky all my life.

I've never been lucky.

A rich guy wanted to marry me,

but I didn't expect that aliens would...

So you're the one in the newspaper?

You're worse off than me.

You should die then.

Eh? You two want me to die?

You're so cruel!

So why are you two committing suicide?

After a decade of being a private eye, I never did anything good.

And someone died because of me.

I think I should just die.

You two caused someone to die, then you deserve to die!

She said we deserve to die.

You're a private eye.

If you help her find out what happened with the aliens,

your grievance can be redressed.

My grievance can be redressed?

Right.

Then you'll break a strange case, make a big contribution,

and do something good.

Break a strange case?

Then we don't need to die!

Sherlock Holmes... you have a successor now.

The train's coming!

- Get me off! - I'll help you!

Quickly!

We're doomed! Hurry!

- We're doomed! - I'm untied!

Come and help!

It's broken.

It won't work. Take off your pants.

HGIp me!

- Help us! - I'm old. I can't do anything.

We're okay.

Ah! The train ripped off my pant leg!

Oh, it looks pink.

Why did you pick that up?

Are you cleaning up Hong Kong?

You pick up everything.

Just pick up any suspicious or space-related things.

- Yes, sir. - Get to work.

We've been searching all day...

...and we've found nothing.

This is hopeless!

Keep searching. Maybe we'll find a clue.

- I got something! I got something! - What have you found?

- What is it? - I found a space...

- A space what? - A space suit!

You think that's funny? Carry on searching.

Crazy idiot!

You have no sense of humor, none at all.

Let's stop.

It's a waste of effort.

It's hopeless to continue searching.

No.

Since we're here, we mustn't stop till we find something.

Hey! Having fun?

It's cute, so I thought I'd play it.

Is this the time?

You won't even let me play it?

No sense of humor and no musical sense, either.

My shoelace...

- What's going on? - That's scary!

It's all fallen out.

What are you trying to do?

You've just thrown away everything we worked hard to pick up!

- Are you kidding me? - It wasn't intentional.

Big head, small brain! Do you want a scolding?

Listen, if you don't want to pick things up, then don't bother!

I told you not to mess around.

It's dark now. And we didn't find anything.

You deserve a scolding.

Are there many aliens in this world?

Are there many aliens?

You believe anything people say.

But no one believes me.

- I should just die! - Stop!

Ah-hung!

Ah-hung!

Ah-hung! Ah-hung!

My dear journalists, this unknown object we're introducing today

mainly proves that aliens once came here.

At the same time, it further proves that Miss Li Tin-chun

really had an encounter with aliens.

Let me blow your minds and show you one half of this object.

The other half has already been sent to NASA's Space Center in Houston.

This unknown object emits strong levels of radiation.

- Get down! - Get down!

Don't be frightened.

We've prepared protective gear for you,

namely these anti-radiation glasses.

Please put on the glasses.

- Are you ready? All okay? - Yes, we are.

Hey, wait, wait!

- What the hell? - What are you doing?

Wow, it's so bright!

- What light? Where? - You're crazy!

- Isn't it very bright? - Shut up!

How come it's not shining? This is bad. It's lost its light.

- It was really bright. - There's no light!

Quiet!

You said aliens had an encounter with her.

But it was probably you!

Let me explain. It was very bright when we discovered it.

- It was! - It was like a flyer saucer, really.

What? A flyer saucer? More like a paper plate! Fly!

You can play around, but don't mess with me!

Fly!

It's raining.

You even bully the blind? You're out of line!

I'm not blind! I have one eye!

- He's blind, too? - You're sick.

- Throw it at him! - Stop!

- Goodness me! - Hey, calm down. Stop!

This isn't right!

- No, stop! - Hey!

Bring it on!

This isn't right!

Stop this! Stop!

A moon cake!

Hello?

You're asking about...?

Why didn't you call Directory Enquiries?

Wow, something inside!

"Uprising In Mid-Fa||."

Stop that!

It's delicious.

They don't believe me, I should just die!

- Stop it! - Please don't die.

Let me die!

Why would you kill yourself, madame?

Even if you did, it wouldn't help the situation.

Why don't I use my status and reputation to prove your innocence?

MIDDAY NEWS

A close encounter of the fourth kind with aliens has been proven...

Space scientist Professor Lo attests that...

Midday News: Professor Lo testifies that Miss Li Tin-chun...

Filmmakers competing to interview Miss Li Tin-chun...

Miss Li Tin-chun becomes sex symbol of the year!

People are all looking

To see how pretty I am

Glowing all over

Like a thousand rockets colliding

No wonder people are excited

Everyone wants to applaud me

Charge! Charge! Charge! Charge! Let the stars in space vibrate!

It feels like I'm riding a platinum elevator

Straight to the top

Performing on the moon and the stars of the universe

And the Earth jumps in fascination

Brightness all around

My smile shines out

Glowing! Glowing! Glowing! Glowing!

Until the darkness loses all faith

It feels like I'm flying up in the clouds

Looking down through drunken eyes

I can fly without a flying carpet, no training required

It feels like I'm riding a platinum elevator

Straight to the top

Performing on the moon and the stars of the universe

And the Earth jumps in fascination

Performing on the moon and the stars of the universe

And the Earth jumps in fascination

This house is so small, Godfather. Why don't you get a bigger one?

You spoilt brat! Come on, let's drink.

It's nice weather this evening.

The environment's good, the air's clean. Living here is good for the spirit...

As if! I work day and night. I'm so exhausted.

I barely sleep, but I do have dreams sometimes.

That's because you're a big star.

But it's all thanks to you.

If not for you, I'd still be working in the department store doing make-up,

or as an extra in movies...

I might even be dead!

I wonder why I was so stupid back then.

Right, Godfather?

Is it raining?

Strange. It's not raining...

Godfather...

Stop!

Stop!

Godfather!

Don't come near me!

Godfather!

Don't come near me!

Stop! Stop!

Stop!

No, Godfather! No!

No, Godfather!

No...

No...

No...

Stop, Godfather! No!

Stop, Godfather!

Go away!

Tin-chun! What's going on?

|1I'S you?

Why are you dressed like that?

- How rude! Get changed. - Why am I dressed like this?

- What happened? - He wanted to violate me.

- Who? - Freeze!

- Tell us what happened! - He molested me.

- What's going on? - Professor Lo?

- Yes. What's going on? - Someone molested her.

Who molested you?

- Tell us. - Tell us.

It was...

The one who made you famous and earned you a lot of money?

- Who exactly was it? - Was it him? Did he hurt you?

- Yes! - It was nothing to do with me!

- Tin-chun! - No...

- You charlatan! - No! Tin-chun!

You can't be bailed out if you get arrested again.

Tin-chun is so famous now, why would she bother with us?

How strange.

What's strange?

There's something... fishy... going on.

Good.

Are you talking to me?

There's nobody here. What the hell are you talking about?

Okay.

Boss, there are so many women around.

This is where Tin-chun had her encounter.

Many girls would like an alien encounter like hers,

then they'd become rich and famous.

But I think something fishy is going on, so I had to investigate.

There's even an ATM machine here. How advanced!

I don't know if this is Women's Heaven or Men's Paradise.

This place is full of women.

Goodness!

I can't stand her!

We can't stand her, either!

They think you're ugly.

They think they're pretty?

- How come you're so endowed? - It's good to be endowed, no?

Let's drink.

Crazy man!

- Get out! - Out, you idiot!

Out!

- You're a wolf in sheep's clothing. - No, I'm a sheep in a tiger skin!

- Don't argue! - Go!

The weatherman will now forecast tonight's weather.

Help!

- The Wind's too strong. - It's suddenly risen up. What the hell?

Wait for me! Wait for me!

Save me!

Wait for me!

Nice.

- Come on! - But my money!

- My money! - Miss, here's your money.

Granny, come on!

You're the granny! What's so scary about a little wind?

I'm not moving!

I'm \eav'\ng\. I'm \eav'\ng\.

- What a strong wind. - Ah-hung!

- Ah-hung, come here! - I'm a bird.

Come here, Ah-hung.

I am Superman!

- Ah-hung! - I am Superman!

- Ouch. That hurt. - Come here, Ah-hung!

Ah-hung!

It's raining.

Are you okay? Boss, let's go.

No way!

We have a strong will, tenacity, and an indomitable spirit.

We must overcome all difficulties!

We must persevere until we reach our goal.

- I'm really scared. - Don't be!

If there's an evil spirit, eliminate it.

If there's a demon, exterminate it.

We'll see better days if we persevere.

We must not be afraid of hardship.

Fight and work hard!

- Fight, work hard! - Fight, work hard!

Fight!

It's so cold, I need to pee.

Go and pee, then.

- You really think you're a woman? - Oh, right.

Not here, go over there!

Why does it quake whenever you pee? Incredible.

Are you peeing or pooping?

Ah-hung!

Ah-hung!

Ah-hung!

Ah-hung!

I'm done for! Help!

HGIp me!

Where am I? Where is this place?

Where am I?

Is anybody there? Hello? Anybody?

Where am I?

What is this?

Don't press down on me! Don't press down! I'm going to die!

I'm going to die.

A Copier?

What do you want?

Distorted hands, upright body.

Congratulations, we've chosen you

to be an agent for reproduction of our next generation.

Me?

Don't be too pleased yet.

To ensure the next generation's quality,

we invited you here for an experiment to see if your functions are good.

If you don't pass, you will become like her...

...and automatically self-destruct.

The experiment begins now.

Why did you pick me?

Left eye is nearsighted, -5.

Right eye is nearsighted, -5.

Eyesight is normal.

Ideal and firm chest, very fit body. A fine breed.

Congratulations.

If you can pass the next test,

you may have a chance to join the Miss Interstellar Contest

and become the new Queen Mother of our next generation.

Me?

I can't, I lied about my age.

Final experiment. Down.

Confirming function now.

Malfunction.

Malfunction.

Malfunction. Sorry, the computer was too excited.

There's a secretion line obstruction.

The test indicates that she hasn't had sexual relations with men.

Our ambassador will conduct the breeding task with you later.

I'm doomed!

China...

Cut! "China has a history of 5,000 years.

"The Chinese inherited the fine traditions of their ancestors,

"and attach great importance to the concept of time."

What's wrong with you?

What the hell's going on?

Quiet! Quiet! Talk to the producer if you need anything.

Silence, please.

- What's going on? - What the hell?

Silence, please.

What the hell's going on?

Who placed a blade at my back?

Don't be scared. I'll fix it.

- It's okay now. - It's fine now. Absolutely fine...

I don't want things to be difficult for you.

Who wants Li Tin-chun?

Sir, there are 20,000 people waiting for her to make the ceremonial first pitch.

So you want her to wrap filming? It's going a bit slow.

Fine! I'll ask her to wrap! No problem!

Okay! I'll ask her to wrap filming!

No need for that, the game's at night anyway.

There's no big rush.

You're very understanding.

You're being so nice.

And I value good friendships.

You respect me, I respect you more!

After this scene, she'll wrap filming.

It'll be only a few minutes.

Only a few minutes, yes. No need to wait a few hours.

- Of course. - No problem.

Show yourself if you dare!

I... I'm not scared of you!

You're really appearing?

You're big and domineering.

I'm doomed!

I won't do it again!

I really won't do it again!

Please! It's my fault!

Freeze!

Gotcha now, right?

Let me see if you're a real ET or a fake.

If you're not an ET, I'll hit you until you become one.

Stop or I'll shoot!

I'm doomed. I'm out of bullets. I'm in big trouble.

Out of bullets.

Die!

I won't do it again. I promise, I won't do it again.

Die!

You think you can hide?

As a detective, I don't believe you're an alien.

That's why I'm disguised as a woman as bait.

You think you're good?

Surrender now!

If you don't come out, I'll shoot the door off.

Coming out or what?

Fine.

Wait...

There's no need to kill each other.

Stop.

Help! Help me!

Save me! Don't hurt me!

Don't chase me! Help! I'll hide if you come after me!

Don't chase me! Don't come after me! Help me!

Please stop.

Stop! You're going to kill me!

I'm bleeding.

You bastard.

No, not you. Really.

What is this, poking in my back?

Now, you're gonna die.

This time...

Let's... fight!

I'm gonna beat you so badly! I'm gonna beat you, no matter what!

Bring it on. Come on.

I've used up a lot of force? Why has only half of it come out?

I'll kill you!

I'm gonna kill you!

Just stop tormenting me and kill me.

Don't torture me, just kill me.

Why is it so short and not longer?

Just kill me.

Please, just grow longer!

No!

Thank goodness.

You wanna kill me?

Help! Save me! Help!

Help me! Help me!

Help!

Help! Help!

Open Sesame! Open the door!

Abracadabra! Open up!

Help! Save me!

Help me, Mom!

Save me!

HGIp me!

Open the door!

Open up! Open the door!

Please. Don't kill me.

I'm begging you, don't kill me.

Kill me! Kill me!

Kill me! I don't care anymore!

Kill me! Come on, kill me!

Kill me! Kill me! Kill me!

Kill me!

Kill me! Come on, kill me!

Kill me! Kill me! Kill me!

Why's that?

They said it was a strong battery.

Stop! Stop!

You're gonna die! Die!

You're gonna die!

Replace her!

Replace her! Replace her!

- Director, come up first. - Sir.

- What's going on? - What is it?

- Let's wrap. - Come on...

Why did you turn off the lights?

Where did you guys 90'?

Why have you all disappeared?

"Modern 'Sherlock Holmes' Yee Din captures locally produced alien."

So it's Professor Lo!

Do you know what a real detective does?

He doesn't catch cheats or collect bad debts.

Do you know what he does?

He bravely destroys Space City.

I'm a real detective!

Now that the truth is revealed, everyone is happy.

Let this real detective offer you a roasted leg of lamb.

So good!

Let me slice it for you.

Where's the knife?

The knife, the knife, the knife...

Where could it have got to?

What are you doing?

- I'm going to kill you! - It's a knife!

You destroyed my future, my hopes, and my career.

- I'm going to destroy you, too! - No, don't!

- Don't! - I'll kill you!

No, don't!

He's dead.

I've got my revenge.

I'm still alive.

Stop it!

I just wanted to help you, and now you want to kill me?

- You wanted to harm me! - I didn't want to harm you!

- Die! - Calm down! Calm down! Calm down!

Are you crazy?

Everyone is so unforgiving.

My friends are ignoring me.

My family doesn't pay me any attention.

Society won't accept me.

No one wants me now!

You still have me!

Mr. Yee Din and Miss Li Tin-chun are united

in holy matrimony before God.

Miss Li Tin-chun, are you willing to take Mr. Yee Din as your husband?

Hold it!

- Don't marry him! - You can't marry him!

- Don't marry him! - Hey, you can't do this!

Miss Li Tin-chun, you can't get married!

What are you doing?

Miss Li, the report from Houston's Space Center is out.

- They said there's... - Miss Li.

Miss Li, on the night of the incident, the US confirmed that there was a UFO.

A real flying saucer.

After Professor Lo realized the truth, he created a fake story.

Miss Li, sign with me!

- Sign here. - Don't sign!

Miss Li!

- I'll offer you three million dollars! - Sign!

As if I'd sign! Get lost!

Get lost!

Scram!

Just go away!

Damn you all!

You evil people! Go! Get lost!

Jesus!

All right, let's continue.

Miss Li Tin-chun,

are you willing to take Mr. Yee Din as your husband?

- Don't go anywhere! - Tin-chun! Tin-chun!

Women!

Yee Din!

Yee Din!

Yee Din, what are you doing out here?

Didn't you leave me to sign a contract?

I just gave back his pen.

- Honestly? - Honestly.

That's the one...

CONGRATULATIONS

It's congratulating us.

You're so bad! What the hell is this?

- It's wedding cake. - Wedding cake? Eat it, then!

JAMES YI LUI, CHERIE CHUNG

DAVID LO, TAM TIN-NAM, LEUNG TIN

SCRIPTWRITERS: MANFRED WONG, SANDY SHAW, LAURENCE CHENG

CINEMATOGRAPHY BY ALEX CHEUNG

COSTUMES BY LIU CHI-YU MAKE-UP BY LAY GAI-SING

MUSIC BY DANNY CHUNG SOUND EFFECTS BY LI YI-CHIH

FIGHT CHOREOGRAPHY BY CHING SIU-TUNG

PRODUCTION MANAGER: SIMON YIP

Everyone wants to applaud me

Charge! Charge! Charge! Charge! Let the stars in space vibrate!

It feels like I'm riding a platinum elevator

Straight to the top

Performing on the moon and the stars of the universe

And the Earth jumps in fascination