Original subtitles

(applause on television)

Hey, what are you watching?

(voice breaking): Uh, Oprah.

(sobbing): This woman adopted 17 kids.

Then her husband died

and Oprah...

(high-pitched): ...bought her a house.

Give me the damn tissue.

She is just killing me.

Wow,

I haven't seen you this emotional since yesterday

when Oprah paid for surgery for the turtle lady.

You didn't tell me about the turtle lady.

Barb, the woman looked like a turtle.

I didn't think you could handle it.

I do not care for people

who look like things that aren't people.

(sniffles)

God, I love Oprah.

She is so happy and generous

and successful.

You know what makes her different from me?

You just listed three things.

N-N-No.

She doesn't let little things bother her.

You know, she believes there's an infinite amount

of happiness in the world

and the more you give, the more you receive.

I'm gonna start being more like Oprah.

This isn't going

to be like the time when you decided

to be more like Andy Rooney?

Because that got real annoying real fast.

No, no,

although I did think I made

some very interesting observations.

Why a CD cases so hard to open?

Anyway, you know what? This is gonna be good for me

'cause I've been thinking about this for a while.

I'm gonna let go and give back to the universe.

Hey, can you start by giving me back

the $100 you borrowed last week?

Yeah, take it up with the universe.

(door opens)

Hey. Hey, what's going on?

Nothing.

Just stopped by to say hi.

And while I'm here I was wondering

if I could take our old couch out of the garage.

I'm thinking about moving into a new place.

Sure, go ahead.

When are you thinking you might move?

I don't know.

Tomorrow.

Oh.

You found an apartment already?

I don't know.

Bought a house.

You bought a house?

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

What?

What are you sorry for?

That's great. Congratulations.

I don't know why you're making a big deal

of the fact that we bought a house.

W-Wait, wait a... wait a minute. "We?"

Yeah, me and New Christine, we're moving in together.

Why are you freaking out?

I'm not. Stop yelling at me.

I'm not.

It's just that it's big news.

I can't believe you didn't tell us before.

Oh, my God.

You told everyone except you didn't tell me?

I didn't tell you because I didn't think you'd take it well.

I know how other people's happiness can upset you.

Richard, just because I enjoy other people's unhappiness

doesn't mean that I can't be happy

when other people are happy.

Besides, that was old Christine.

You are Old Christine.

No.

I mean I've decided to let things go.

There's enough happiness out there for both of us, Richard.

What's your game?

There's pee on that couch, isn't there?

No, no game, no pee.

I'm giving the couch to the universe.

So... I can't have it?

No, take it.

Oh, because when you said you were giving it

to the universe, I didn't know if you meant...

Okay, yeah, go, go, go.

Cool, thanks.

I wonder if Oprah has to deal with dumbasses all day.

Hey, does Richard know we're coming?

No, I thought I'd surprise them

with a batch of freshly baked cookies.

That's what Oprah would do.

That's nice.

What'd you put in the cookies?

Nothing. I'm nice now.

Yeah, I'm still not eating a cookie

until I see you eat one.

(scoffs)

God, I love this neighborhood.

The trees are so big; everybody keeps their lawns so nice.

You know, my favorite house is around here somewhere.

Richard and I used to drive by it all the time.

Had this big front porch and a swing

and beautiful windows and this charming walkway.

Mm.

I ovulated every time I saw it.

Oh.

Right there. Right there.

What? What?

MATTHEW: This is it.

Richard and New Christine's house.

No, this is my dream house.

Richard and New Christine bought your dream house?

You have got to be freakin' kidding me.

Let's just go.

Th-This house isn't that great.

What's that smell?

Night-blooming jasmine.

Oh, look it, they hung a seasonal flag.

Oh, right, for people who want to pledge allegiance to cute.

Let's get out of here.

No, we're not going anywhere.

Are you going to kill him and bury him under the jasmine?

No, I am not going to do anything.

I think she had a stroke. See if she can smile.

I can smile.

I can't tell.

Make her say the alphabet.

That's going to be a tough one, too.

Look it, I am fine.

alright?

That dream was a thousand years ago and I am letting it go.

Besides, I've got a new dream now.

It involves being evacuated to a Red Cross shelter

with Jake Gyllenhaal.

Wait,

what's the difference between him and Joaquin Phoenix?

One of them is Joaquin Phoenix.

(door opens)

Hey. Hey.

What are you guys doing here?

If I'd have known you were coming

I'd have flown the welcome flag.

Cute.

We wanted to welcome you to your new beautiful home

and I baked these cookies.

Oh, you didn't have to do that.

Yeah, it's for the universe.

So...

Oh, for God's sakes, just take the cookies.

(gasps)

Wow, this is quaint.

What's that smell? Is that food?

Yeah, New Christine is always baking something.

So what do you think?

Do you like it?

Yeah, of course I like it.

You know I like it.

It's my dream house.

Thanks for the tour. We got to go.

No, it's okay.

What, what are you talking about?

(scoffs): I'm talking about when we first got married.

Remember, you used to drive me to work

'cause we only had one car

and we used to go pretend house shopping?

And this is the house that I pretend bought.

Remember, you used to say to me, "Someday, baby,"

and then I used to stick my hand down your pants

while you were driving?

I remember the hand.

A-And I remember crashing into the mailbox.

Oh, shoot.

Oh, this is that house.

Right.

Oh, Christine, I completely forgot.

Don't be mad. No, I'm not.

You're furious. Oh, man.

No, no, I'm happy for you.

Seriously?

Yep.

Enjoy.

Oh, Richard, why didn't you tell me

we had company?

I was just in the yard picking some fresh herbs.

If you need chervil, don't buy it.

We have so much.

It's working already.

You put out the goodness, you get back some chervil.

Richard, why don't you hang the chervil up to dry

and I'll give our guests a tour?

Can you believe this?

I have a place to hang the chervil.

In my old apartment I didn't even have a place

to hang my clothes.

Sorry this place is such a mess.

I've barely had time to arrange the fresh flowers

and put out the pictures.

Well, you know, your home is lovely, and the couch seems

to fit in perfectly.

Oh, thanks so much for giving it to us.

All it took was a nice throw

and a couple of accent pillows.

Once we got the pee smell out, it all came together.

So, uh, where do you hide the TV?

Oh, no, this is the family room.

No TV in the family room.

But it's such a nice room.

Don't you want people to sit in it?

We do other things.

We talk, we tell stories,

play games, read-- family things.

You know you have an outlet right there.

Hi, Mom.

Oh, hi, darling.

You got to see my room.

It's awesome. Really?

I got bunk beds, and last night I slept in the top bunk,

and Dad says next time, if I want,

I can sleep in the bottom bunk...

Ah. ...and then next time after that

I can switch back and sleep in the top bunk, and then I can...

Yeah, yeah, I know what bunk beds are, darling.

Oh, I love it here.

Oh, of course you do.

I'm gonna open up some wine.

I'll get a bottle from the cellar.

You grab her legs, I'll grab her arms.

We'll try to throw her on the lawn before she explodes.

Guys, stop it. I'm fine, really.

You heard her say they had a wine cellar.

Yeah, and that's wonderful.

There's enough happiness and wine cellars

out there for everyone.

Oprah wouldn't freak out. I'm not going to freak out.

Oprah doesn't like wine as much as you do.

Ernest and Julio Gallo don't like wine as much as you do.

Well, you know what?

I'm not going to let it bother me.

It's actually kind of a relief

to be able to enjoy somebody else's good fortune

without hoping that they get heart disease.

I never did that, but I know somebody else who did.

I can't believe she's got all her pictures up

and everything already.

I haven't even put my wedding pictures in an album yet.

(clicks tongue)

Guess there's no rush there.

Oh, there's her dad.

(chuckles)

Slept with him.

Richard-- slept with him.

Is that her brother?

Boy, he looks familiar.

What the hell is this?

BARB: Looks like a family portrait.

With my family.

Just give it to the universe.

Sorry it took so long.

I had to cut the cheese.

Richard, not every time.

We have to go.

You just got here. Yeah?

Well, we're leaving, and it turns out

I just remembered I'm going to need that couch back.

You said you weren't using it.

Yeah, well, I was wrong.

I am going to be using it in my house

per my new decorating plan.

You're not the only one who gets to have a nice house, Richard.

Why are you doing this?

Was it the "cut the cheese" joke?

No, it was not.

Barb, Matthew, come on.

Ritchie, we're leaving!

How are we going to get this back to your place?

Just do it!

(grunts loudly)

You have a lovely home.

Come on.

Come on!

(grunting): Son of a...

I think it's stuck in the door.

No, it... is... not...

stuck... in... the...

Damn it!

Is this where you wanted it?

Yep.

Perfect.

Welcome to my dream house.

(strained grunting)

We probably should have used those double doors

to bring it in.

It got through their door.

Their door is bigger.

Of course it is.

Stupid tiny door.

(grunts)

(strained screams)

You stupid house!

(screams in frustration)

God, I hate this place!

(screaming in frustration)

(shouting and screaming)

(screaming in frustration)

I don't watch her show as much as you do.

Does Oprah do this kind of stuff a lot?

Well, she's never been through the kind of adversity

that I have been through.

Oprah grew up a poor black girl in rural Mississippi

in the '50s with no parents.

Yeah, well, I grew up in the '70s with my parents,

and I have a couch jammed in my door.

I guess it's a tie.

(sighs)

I tried to be the bigger person.

You saw me. I tried to let it go.

I was wonderful.

But then I saw that picture of her and Ritchie and Richard

as this perfect little family, and I couldn't do it.

I know, it's a bummer.

No, it's more than a bummer. It's a lie.

That picture makes it look as if she is Ritchie's mother,

and she is not. (slapping hand on ground)

You don't see me taking pictures

of myself and Ritchie and my boyfriend.

You don't have a boyfriend.

Oh, God, I'm so lonely.

Look,

I'm not saying you're wrong.

And I think you've handled yourself with great dignity.

But they could have a long life together,

with a lot of pictures.

Their faces are going to be on Christmas cards,

screen savers, and now they can even get stamps made.

Oh, maybe they'll go to Knott's Berry Farm

and get one of those old-timey photos.

Those are great.

I'm not a big fan of the old-timey photos.

They make me uncomfortable.

The worst part is,

is that they do have the perfect little family.

They have that dream house

with a family room and the...

fresh-made food and a place to hang the gerbil.

(mouthing)

No wonder Ritchie loves it there.

Who wouldn't?

Hey, come on, there's enough happiness for everyone.

No, there isn't.

Of course there is.

If Richard and New Christine can live the dream, you can, too.

I don't even know anyone who knows Jake Gyllenhaal.

But you're right.

I know. If Oprah can make her dreams come true,

then I can make my dreams come true, too.

(motor idling) I have a lot to be grateful for.

(blower whirring)

(motor idling)

Yeah, you have a gardener.

We are going to be the kind of family

Ritchie can't wait to come home to.

Look at this, Matthew. We built a bed.

No, I built a bed and you bossed me around.

As a family.

Sorry I'm late. Did Oprah start yet?

Oh, my God, what happened?

We built a bunk bed.

No, where's the TV?

Oh, we got rid of the TV.

I'm making this more of a family room

where we do family things:

we're going to read and tell stories

and eat homemade meals.

Christine,

where is the TV?

Barb, I'm committed to making this house

more, you know... homey.

I'm not your homey.

I want to watch TV.

You know

what I'm talking about.

I think it looks better already.

And look, we had our family portrait done.

(screams)

Who did that to you?

I took it. That's as comfortable as they get

in front of a camera.

Okay, let's get this bunk bed up to Ritchie's room.

I want it to be there when he gets home.

After this can we watch TV?

(grunts)

No, after this I'm getting my guitar out.

Oh, come on!

Come on, guys. Give me a break.

I learned a new chord.

This is going to be so great.

We are going to be one big happy family.

(bed scraping on wall)

It's not going to fit.

What?

Hmm. I think you got a problem, homey.

Ritchie, dinner.

Thanks for my new bed, Mom.

Oh, you're welcome.

What are we doing?

We're eating dinner.

Where are we going?

We're eating here.

Where did you order from?

I made it.

What are we doing? Okay, just sit down.

You'll understand as soon as it starts happening.

Okay, you know what?

Before we eat,

I thought we could go around the table

and everybody could say why they are thankful

to be a part of this family.

Amen.

Okay,

let's eat.

Oh, what the hell is this?

It's shepherd's pie.

Except I didn't have potatoes,

(strains): so I... used macaroni.

I didn't have meat, so I used,

uh... tuna.

Can you explain the raisins?

Well, I can explain that they are not raisins.

Uh...

Ritchie...

why don't you get your jacket...

and, um... Uncle Matthew and Aunt Barb

are going to take you out to dinner.

Yay! Yay!

Well, this was a disaster.

And worse news, now the raisins are gone.

Well, I thought there was enough happiness

out there for everyone, but there isn't.

Richard's got it all.

Well, at least he has heart disease in his family.

Christine.

I'm not saying

I hope he gets heart disease, okay?

I'm just saying that if he does get it, that would be fair.

Ah, who am I kidding? Life's not fair.

You have a great life.

I mean, yeah, you don't have a boyfriend or a wine cellar

or a nice house or the ability to cook or depth or morals.

But?

Oh, yeah, you have a big butt.

Okay, I'm ready.

Where are we going?

Some place with a TV.

Christine, you coming?

No.

Somebody's got to stay here.

The door is always open.

Why don't you put that picture out front

with the shepherd's pie? I think you'll be safe.

You guys go ahead. I'll be fine, really.

Why don't we go out the back door?

Oh, you can't. The TV is jammed in there.

Hello?

CHRISTINE: No one's here.

Oh. Wait, what?

I'm not really in the mood for company right now.

Okay.

I just brought your cookie plate back,

with a homemade pear and berry galette.

It's Martha Stewart's recipe.

You have to blanche the pears and make a simple syrup.

The secret ingredient is freshly grated nutmeg.

You can really tell the difference.

(sobs)

I'll just leave it.

Wait. What's happening?

Nothing.

I'm just having a hard time.

Yeah, well, I'm not doing that great either.

I'll go.

What?

I'm so tired.

Oh, uh, you know what?

I should probably tell you that we had a lot of leftover parts

when we built this bed,

so if you hear a creak

you better jump off of there right away.

I don't care.

Let it crush me.

What is the matter with you?

I just can't do it.

The pressure is killing me.

I've been getting up at 4:00 in the morning

to bake and clean and decorate and marinate.

I don't know how much longer I can keep it up.

What?

I thought you liked doing all that stuff.

Sometimes I think it would be great to just lay around

and do nothing like you. No offense.

Oh, none taken.

I was trying to be like Martha Stewart.

And then Richard really liked it, so I couldn't stop.

I just wish I lived in a crap hole like this place.

No offense.

Oh, none taken.

I just want to make Richard happy.

I don't want to run him off like you did. No offense.

Okay, you know what? That was your last one.

Besides, we ran each other off.

It doesn't take much to make Richard happy.

Okay, just take him for a drive once a week,

put your hand down his pants,

you got him for at least 12 years.

I love him so much.

Or that.

You know what?

Forget about Martha Stewart.

You can't live your life like someone on TV.

That is a lesson I learned...

five minutes ago.

You can't look at what someone else has.

You have to be grateful for what you do have.

Why don't we both go around

and say what we're grateful for.

Well,

I'm grateful for a wonderful relationship,

parents who love me,

a great sex life, and a beautiful home.

Amen.