Original subtitles

Rochester.

Rochester.

Will you call me, Mr. Temple?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Rochester. I didn't mean to disturb your nap.

Oh, that's all right, boss.

I can get right back to where I was in no time.

Well, while you're up, I'm going to let you in on a little secret.

Somebody's been ringing that doorbell, and I'm getting awfully curious about

it can be.

How do you think you might find out? Oh, yes, sir, Mr. Bob.

You know, even under the Wagner Act, it's the butler who answers the door,

the employer.

Beg pardon, a radiograph for Mr. Temple, sir.

Say that again?

Radiograph for Mr. Temple.

Boy, what an accent you got.

Hey, I played that pretty well, didn't I?

Uh, it's a radiogram for you, boss.

Well, open it. It might be important.

And I still say I played her pretty well.

Well?

Surprise! We beat it by a day. Try to meet us at boat train arriving 5 .30.

Love from your entire cast and me to Diana. Diane.

P .S. Hey, give me that.

P .S. How about tickets for two for good musical comedy tonight?

Rochester, you know what this says?

Sure I know. It says the show has arrived. The show has arrived. You

whole thing. It says she loves me. Who loves you? Diane, Miss Wilson.

Can I see that again, boss? Sure, go right ahead.

It says love from your entire cast and me too.

That don't mean nothing.

Is that so? Send the entire cast so she wouldn't look too forward?

I'm afraid you don't know much about women, Rochester.

Well, I certainly knows the difference between I could go for you and how are

you. Oh, yeah?

Well, how about her wanting to see a show with me the very first night she's

town? Doesn't that prove anything?

Sure. Proves she wants to see a show.

Go get me my hat and coat.

Yes, sir. And it's the last time I sign a butler to a seven -year contract.

A great comedian, a great manager, and a great friend.

Why don't you knock before you come in?

What are you doing, keeping a diary?

And, Rochester, I want dinner served for two in this room at 7 o 'clock.

Yes, sir. What shall I order? The regular dinner?

Regular dinner?

Use a little imagination, Rochester. What would you order if you wanted to

an impression?

Well, how about fish and chips and a couple of bottles of gin?

Fish and chips and a couple of bottles of gin.

Rochester, I want to make an impression on a girl, not a bunch of sailors.

Well, uh... Now, look it. I want the caviar.

Uh, champagne, tell the waiter it must be at least a year old or it goes right

back. Yes, sir. A lobster, grenadine, a beef, and a nice green salad.

I'll order the dessert later.

And I think you'll admit it's a little bit better than fish and chips.

Okay, Mr. Bob, you live your life and I'll live mine.

That's a deal.

Good evening, Mr. Temple.

Good evening. I'd like to get two good seats for the casino review tonight.

Certainly, sir. I'll have them for you. Fine. First row center, if possible.

Yes, sir. How's the weather outside?

Oh, the fog's lifting, sir. Well, that'll be something. You know, I've

London two weeks and haven't seen the sun yet.

Where do you keep the sun here, in the British Museum?

It's rather unusual weather.

You should have been here last year.

I know. They give me the same talk in California.

Will you get me a taxi right away, please?

I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to wait a bit. There aren't very

running on account of the fog, sir.

Why? They told me inside that the fog had lifted.

Only up to the ankle, sir.

Oh. Then I won't need my rubbers. No, sir.

Is it much of a walk to the station I have to meet the American boat train?

about a mile, sir. Straight ahead.

Oh. Then all I have to do is follow my nose.

If I can find it.

Can you tell me how far it is to the station? About a mile straight ahead.

Oh, it's you, sir.

Yes, it's you, too.

Oh, so it's still a mile, eh? Yes, sir. Well, at least I haven't lost any

ground.

So this is London.

Well, I guess there's no use waiting, Ted.

Bob probably couldn't get through the fog.

Lucky I kept those cabs.

All right, everybody, let's get in these cabs. Remember...

The Royal Hotel.

Pardon me, which way is the railroad station?

Straight ahead, sir. About three miles.

Three miles?

How do they ever move it in this fog?

Thank you, Rochester.

He ought to be here any minute, Miss Diana.

I guess he lost you in that fog.

I suppose Mr. Temple's been quite busy these last couple of weeks. Oh, me and

him's been powerful busy.

Mighty lucky we've come on ahead.

We've had to arrange for the theater and get the labor licenses.

I still don't see why we ever brought the show over here.

We was doing all right in the USA of America.

I know, but it's certainly worth taking the chance to be internationally famous.

Money isn't everything, Rochester.

You must have heard that before.

Oh, I've heard it before, but I still ain't convinced.

Has there been any publicity on the show, Rochester?

Oh, no, Miss Diana. Nothing in the papers.

Just word of mouth.

I mentions it to Mr. Bob and he mentions it to me.

Well, that's something.

Diana!

Bob!

Gee, you look wonderful from down here.

A gentleman always rises when there's a lady in the room.

Yeah.

Hey, you want to know something?

You look wonderful from here, too.

You don't look bad yourself.

I've got half an ocean to kiss you.

Well, I got the other half.

Hey, were my lips way up there?

Gee, I'm sorry you missed us at the train. I'm sorry, too.

I had an awful time not getting there.

Oh, by the way, I've got those two tickets for the casino review tonight.

First row center.

Thanks. Ted and I are just dying to see an English show.

Oh, you had planned on going with Ted?

You wanted us to get some English atmosphere, didn't you, for the show?

Well, yes, yes, and that's very thoughtful of you.

And Ted, too.

You know we'd do anything to help you put this show over.

Oh, I didn't know I was so popular with my cast.

I don't see why not.

You know, Bob, you're really a pretty grand person.

In fact, sometimes I wonder why I don't fall in love with you.

Yeah, you know, I kind of wondered about that myself.

Oh, but we'd never make a go of it.

I'm silly and romantic, and you're so solid and respectable.

Oh, but look, Diana, I don't have to be so respectable.

Bob, you couldn't be anything else but.

Rochester.

Uh, did you want me to pick this hat up, boss?

No, Rochester. I like it just where it is.

Yes, sir.

Hello, Rochester.

Why, Mr.

Ted. Hiya, Bob.

Welcome to Mary England.

How's the big impresario? Oh, fine, fine. Did you have a nice trip? Did I?

whole days on the boat with the most beautiful girl in the world.

And that's not all. Tonight you're going to take her to a great show. I got you

those tickets.

Yes, I've got them right here. Well, thanks. That's swell. How much do I owe

you? Oh, no, no. This one's on me.

What time do we start rehearsals? Tomorrow afternoon, right after lunch.

And it's a dress rehearsal.

Don't forget, we open next Monday.

Good. So long, Bob.

So long.

Have a good time.

Don't stay out too late.

Good evening, sir. Where shall I arrange the table, sir?

The tables?

Oh, the tables.

The tables, yeah.

Right over there.

Ah, dinner for two.

Is she nice, Bob?

Who? Oh, she. She, yes. She's lovely. Lovely. Remember, I won't let anything

serious happen unless I approve of her. Let him alone. Any girl is safe with

Bob. So long.

So long.

See you tomorrow.

Shall we wait and serve, sir?

No, my man will serve.

Very good, sir.

Rochester, who told you to order all of this?

You did, boss.

Since when are you taking orders from me?

Brought me everything but the girl.

Two million dollars' worth of caviar. Put that in the vault.

Sure gonna be a shame to waste all this good food.

Yeah.

Maybe I could kind of go for some of this myself. Get away from there.

I'll find somebody to eat with me.

Solid and respectable. I'll show her.

You better show her fast, boys, or this stuff's going to get awful stale.

Hey, wait a minute. We've got chorus girls on this show, haven't we? You

going to feed all this food to a chorus girl and me standing here practically

starving, are you?

Wait till I get one of those good -looking babies up here. Maybe that'll

her up.

Hello?

Operator, connect me with Miss Susan Hayes, please.

She's probably not in, I hope.

Hello? Oh, hello, Susie.

All right, this is Bob.

How about coming up and having dinner with me?

Lobster, champagne, caviar, the whole works.

Well, I'd love to, Bob, but I'm awfully tired. Really, I am. That was a long

trip, you know.

Oh. Well, of course, I understand.

How about one of the other girls?

Well, I'll see.

And if you kids want to have dinner, champagne, caviar, and lobster.

Sure. Who is it? Bob Temple.

Oh, that's like going out with your Aunt Tilly. And with a chaperone, yes.

I'm sorry, Bob, but they're all out to dinner, except Myrtle, and she's asleep.

Hmm.

Well, all right.

Some other time, maybe.

Well, what are you waiting for? Why don't you sit down?

Yeah, man.

Too solid and respectable. Just because I was brought up like a gentleman.

I'll show her I can be just as big a cat as anybody else.

If I wanted to pick up a strange girl...

Why,

Lady Trumbly, how are you?

I said, Lady Trumley, how are you?

Oh.

I'm sorry, but I think you all must have made a mistake.

Not Lady Trumley.

Don't tell me there could be two women as beautiful as you.

I'm sorry, but... Oh, I beg your pardon.

You see, I'm Bob Temple.

Not the Bob Temple.

Well, I suppose you could call me the Bob Temple.

You see, I met Lady Trumley when she was in America last year.

Lake Plissett, I believe.

Oh, that couldn't have been me. I went in Palm Beach.

Oh, Palm Beach. Well, you've got quite a burn.

Tell me...

Have you ever considered going on the stage, Miss, uh, Miss, uh...

Hmm.

No, I haven't, and you flatter me to death.

Well, you know, the stage needs women like you, Miss Marshmallow.

You interest me, Mr. Temple. Won't you sit down and rest your dogs?

How vulgar.

Well, how was I, Rochester?

You can't miss, Mr. Temple.

Boy, that was a performance.

Oh, no, that was just a rehearsal.

Tonight I'm going out and give a real performance.

You mean I got to eat all this by myself?

Yes, but I don't envy you.

Because when you're dining alone, I'll be having fish and chips with a strange,

beautiful lady.

So long, Marshmallow.

Good luck, boys.

Well, if I got her, I got her.

It's time to get up, Mr. Bob.

It's almost lunchtime.

Looks like you had a great night, boss.

Yeah. Did you meet that strange, beautiful lady?

I sure did.

And did you go over and give her that sales talk?

I sure did.

You are now looking at a broken -down Romeo as of last night.

Lady Trumley, how are you?

My, my.

Are you sure it was a woman who done that, boss?

It was either a woman or a truck, Rochester.

And I don't remember trying to pick up any trucks last night.

Now my little black cupid if you run my bath for me, I'll go downstairs and get

a bite to eat. Yes Your dames dimple I have a table for you Are

you

all right

Oh, perfectly.

I'm very sorry. It was exceedingly clumsy of me.

It certainly was.

Yes, wasn't it?

The telephone operator took this message for you, Lady Arrington.

Would you care to order?

No, thanks.

Oh.

Oh, good heavens.

I didn't know that you'd hurt yourself.

Well, it was a rather nasty spill.

Yes, indeed.

Well, you should put some beefsteak on that right away.

I should?

That's a nasty looking eye.

Oh, my eye.

I don't know what you must think of me being so rude to you.

Oh, no. I thought you were positively charming.

You see, I was a little upset. I waited half an hour for my luncheon date, and

now I find that it's called off. Oh, how fortunate.

Now, my luncheon date was called off, too. Perhaps we could... Oh, no, no, no,

no. I'm afraid not.

Now, look, I'm solid and respectable, and you're probably hungry. So why not?

You see, I... Yes.

Yes, why not?

Oh, fine.

Look at Bob.

He's doing all right.

Gee, this is fun.

Yes. Well, I am hungry, and I didn't want you to get too bad an impression of

England at the temple.

Oh, I see you know my name.

Oh, yes. I heard the waiter mention it when you stumbled.

Oh. And I am Lady... Frumley?

Oh, no. No. Lady Arlington.

Oh.

Oh, hello, folks.

Hello, Bob.

Hello.

by any chance jealous, are you?

Jealous of Bob?

Don't be silly.

But I'd hate to have him fall into the clutches of a certain type of blonde.

What will you have, Mr. Temple?

Fish and chips and a couple of bottles of gin.

Oh.

Good afternoon, Lady Arlington. Good afternoon. Is my husband in? I'm sorry.

Sir John left explicit orders not to be disturbed.

A very important meeting. Oh, yes. I'm sure it must be. It can't be much

Sir John hasn't lunched yet. I know. I know. The room is all over town.

And remember, if one word of this leaks out, I'll fire the whole organization.

And that goes for you, too.

Yes. I want to see my attorneys this afternoon.

Hello, darling.

Hello. You keep me waiting an hour for lunch, then you calmly send word that

can't make it, and all you have to say is hello?

Well, I said hello, darling.

Darling squares everything, I suppose.

Excuse me, dear, I'm getting Canada.

You know, Canada and North America.

Hello? Yes, I'll wait. I sometimes wonder why you ever married me. Because

desperately in love with the sweetest... Hello?

Are you getting them, operator?

This is what you're in love with.

You spend all your life here.

Hello, Canada?

No, no, I want to talk to Jared.

Yes. Oh, by the way, my dear, I invited the French industrialist Henri Dubois

and his wife up for the weekend.

That's splendid.

I've never met them, but don't let that bother you.

Well, I can't help it. Oh, hello?

Hello, Jared, Sir John.

Well, will you give me the daily figures for this month?

What were you saying, dear?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

I'll save it for tonight.

You, uh, you will be home tonight, won't you?

No, no, I've got to spend the night in town to work with the lawyers.

Hello? $28 ,646 .22.

You go ahead, dear. I can hear what you're saying, and I'm terribly sorry

that lunch. I had lunch with a very charming young man.

Oh, that's fine.

I always said the royals serve the best ten -shilling lunch in town.

He was an actor, an American actor.

Yes? What?

All right, skip the second and give me the third. You go ahead, dear. Tell me

what you had for lunch.

An actor in a large bowl of soup.

Ah, what kind of soup?

I don't remember, but he was very charming, very attractive. He made

love to me, and furthermore, I encouraged him.

That's $32 ,322 .84.

Is that right?

How about dessert?

Oh, for dessert, I shot him.

Did you really?

Tea or coffee?

I don't remember, but one of these days I'm going to shoot you, too.

Oh, that's fine.

Go on, dear, tell me, who was the lady you had lunch with?

Is that the same one, or did you get a refill?

It's the same one, Rochester. But if you must know, I had lunch with a strange,

beautiful lady.

You did?

Congratulations. Who was she?

Said her name was Lady Arlington.

Lady Arlington.

That's a good one.

Who'd you say you was?

Prince Charming, Smarty.

Did you get her phone number?

Rochester, you never ask a title lady for her phone number. We just had lunch.

Man, that's like reading one page and throwing away the book.

Sorry I'm late, folks, but I was detained at lunch.

And very pleasantly, too.

You were doing all right in the restaurant, Bob.

Where's the blonde?

She's probably still eating.

Very good, Miss Wilson, very good.

Now, going from my personal affairs to your career, how about running through

your song for me?

All right, play it again.

Madame, may I suggest escargots de Bourgogne?

No, merci.

Then perhaps coquilles Saint -Jacques au naturel?

No, I don't think so.

Well, how about some lobster?

Lobster? No.

Thank you. I don't see anything there that I really want.

I'm hungry for something, but it seems so far away.

sandwich that we shared one day

you're hungry for something nothing fancy

You know, I'm hungry for something.

Like one of those terrific dinners at the Ritz.

Hey, two coffees and one sandwich.

Yes, sir. Take it easy.

We only got two beds.

You know, I'm hungry for something.

Like a big filet mignon en champignon and a bit of biscoffier, too.

One ham on white.

Look.

Cut it in half. It's for two.

Broke though we are, there's a charm that sees us through, dear.

Broke though we are, I can feast my eyes on you, dear.

You know, someday we'll remember.

When we're wealthy.

Yes, and doing fine.

That sentimental sandwich.

That was yours and mine

Gee,

we were poor And though fate has changed our scenery

That was sure realistic.

Speaking of soulful looks, who was that lady you had lunch with today?

Oh, that really was a lady, and I'm glad you recognized it. She's Lady Arlington

of the English aristocracy.

If she's a member of the aristocracy, I'm Napoleon.

Well, stick your hand in your vest, because she is.

Anyway, she was attractive.

Didn't you think so, Diana?

I really didn't get a very good look at her.

Oh, you didn't?

I thought you were counting her eyelashes.

Where do you get that Lady Arlington stuff? You couldn't get near the English

aristocracy. Oh, I couldn't, eh?

Well, it might interest you to know that right now my tailor is making me a coat

of arms.

And with two pair of pants.

Oh, Rochester.

Rochester, I'm expecting a phone call from Lady Arlington.

Yes, sir. I'll let you know directly as she calls.

Listen, Rochester, I want you to go back to the hotel, call me up, and say

you're Lady Arlington.

Lady Arlington?

Shall I put a dress on?

No, don't bother. I'll use my imagination.

Now hurry up.

You mean I got to miss the rest of the rehearsal?

Boss, you're ruining my professional career.

Well, I'm afraid you'll have to choose between being my valet and being an

actor. Yeah, I know, boss, but I don't get no applause for shining your shoes.

Rochester, if you don't make that phone call immediately, you're going to enjoy

the unique distinction of looking for two jobs at the same time.

Okay, boss. Lady Arlington.

I'm afraid tonight will be a little dull, but tomorrow or the other weekend,

guests will be here, and it'll be much livelier.

My dear Lady Arlington, please do not worry about us. No, you mustn't. Here we

come, interrupting all your plans.

Oh, but you haven't, really.

I beg your pardon.

Monsieur Dubois has wanted on the telephone, Sir John's office.

Oh, vous permettez. M 'il vous plait.

I'll be but a moment.

You will be but a moment, or I will come and drag you back by the whisker.

You know.

I have Henri on an allowance.

One moment for business, two moments for me.

Really? When I was first married, Henri is always away with the business, you

know? Oh, yes, indeed, I know.

So, one day when Henri come home late, he find me dancing with a charming young

man. So, after that, Henri, he come home early.

Yes, but your husband is French.

Inside, they are all jealous. I show you. He's coming here for the weekend.

Somebody, you could make him jealous with me.

I'm afraid not.

Can't think of anybody.

Don't you know any poets?

Poets are always good.

The only poet I know is Shakespeare.

Oh, no, no, no, no. He is no good.

He is dead.

Ah, well.

No poet.

Let's see. Do you have a good master?

No, I don't use one. Oh, no poet, no master.

An actor. They are always good.

No, I don't know an actor either.

Yes, I do.

I know one.

One is enough.

Oh, but no. I'm afraid I can't ask him. I don't know him very well, and my

husband's never met him. Well, all the better.

Ask your actor here.

And if you cannot use him, I can.

Come, my child.

Let us telephone him at once.

Hey, Admiral.

Admiral, come here a minute. I want to talk to you. What do you want?

I don't like this at all.

A lot of old stuff. We've got to have something new.

This good act, we do this 20 years.

Well, I don't like it.

Oh, you don't like it?

No.

Why you don't like it?

Well, because it's old. Gee, you said yourself you've been doing it for 25

years. I say 20 years.

Oh, 20 years.

Oh, well, that's different. I thought you said 25.

Hey, what am I thinking of?

Say, you know, that's a pretty good act when you get close. Yeah, you were too

close.

you, Mr. Temple.

I wish you wouldn't interrupt me when I'm busy.

Who is it? Lady Arlington.

Oh, Lady Arlington. Well, why didn't you say so?

Well, she can be calling me up for it this hour. Well, you never know.

Hello, darling.

Why, yes, this is Lady Arlington.

I know that you're going to think this is awfully presumptuous of me, but...

Come down tomorrow for the weekend?

Why, I'd love to.

Oh, that would be delightful.

No, no, I've never met the Duchess.

I'll bet $50 there's something phony going on around here. I'd bet another

but I don't think we'd have any takers.

I'll take both bets. How could you prove it? You'd show up Monday and say you

were at Lady Arlington's and met a Duchess.

On the 510?

Oh, I'm sure I can make it.

Oh, Lady Arlington, would you like me to bring a couple of people from the show?

They sing, you know.

They might amuse the guests.

That would be marvelous.

You sure they don't mind?

No, not at all. It'll be a pleasure. And you won't have to worry about them.

They can eat with the servants.

Thank you very much.

Goodbye, Lady Arlington.

Well, folks, you've all been so good that tomorrow morning we're going to

final rehearsal and you can have the weekend off.

Gee, the weekend off.

Now, remember, tomorrow on the 510.

And, Ted, for heaven's sake, when I introduce you to the Duchess... Please

say, hello, duchy.

Goodbye, everybody.

Well, I'm beginning to think that we're out $50 apiece. Me too, but I'm going to

find out.

Lady Arlington, the duchess. Is Mr. Temple gone?

Yes, he just left. Who wants him? Lady Arlington.

Lady Arlington? Hey, give me that.

Hello, Lady Arlington?

Yep, this is me, boss.

Lady Arlington is still.

Baby, we're in $100 and a million laughs.

Well, it won't be long now.

I hope you brought that $100 with you, Ted. You know, I always like to tip the

servants handsomely. Oh, I got it all right. But you don't mind if I don't

it over till the last second, my Yankee blood, you know.

Well, I can wait, I guess.

Oh, thank you very much. That's perfectly all right.

Bob, I'm afraid I misjudged you. I didn't realize that in your own quiet

were a good bit of a ladies' man.

Well, I never like to brag about those things.

Naturally. Tell me, is this thing serious?

Do you expect to marry the girl?

Oh, I hadn't thought of marriage.

After all, a fellow can't be expected to marry every girl he goes out with, can

he? No, I guess not.

If I did that, I'd have been arrested for a bigamy a long time ago.

In fact, I could have been in prison at the age of 12.

I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I heard what you said about committing

bigamy at the age of 12.

That's a good one, isn't it?

Oh, but that's not so funny about him.

He's probably the greatest heartbreaker in three continents.

Oh, Diana.

Yes, sir. This man has probably broken up more homes than Contract Bridge.

Oh, he doesn't look it.

That's what's so funny about it.

Yes.

Well, I'm glad I've been warned.

I'll never let you come into my house, young man. I'm too fond of my wife.

You're very lucky not to know it. Why, tonight he's seeing a lady that... Well,

if her name ever came out, it would be the biggest scandal England ever had.

It might mean war.

I wouldn't be surprised.

You wouldn't be surprised.

Well, I'm glad to have seen all of you.

Especially this scoundrel here.

Doppler? Say, this is Doppler. Come on.

Here you go, kid. Thank you.

A beautiful country here, isn't it? Yes.

Well, I've certainly got to hand it to Bob. He's kept up this bluff longer than

I thought anybody could.

I don't like his confidence. If I hadn't heard Rochester on that phone... Oh, so

you're getting off here, too? Yes.

Well, I hope you'll enjoy it here. I'm staying over at Lady Arlington's.

I beg your pardon. Did you say Lady Arlington's?

Why, yes. Do you know her? She happens to be a very intimate friend of mine.

I'm going up there for the weekend.

Oh, are you?

What an odd coincidence.

I happen to be going there myself.

Well, say, that's swell.

I beg your pardon. My name is Temple.

Mr., uh, Mr., uh... Arlington. Sir John Arlington.

I'm Lady Arlington's husband.

Oh.

Oh! Oh! Well, I'll... I'll be seeing you. Yes.

Ted. Well, Romeo, ten more minutes and the beautiful lady will be in your arms.

She will not.

Why, Bob, are you getting tired of your latest conquest already?

Dan, I want you to meet a friend of mine. That's the trouble with you, Clay,

boys. Women are just like toys to men like you. Beautiful countryside here,

isn't it? Yeah. Why, not less than an hour ago, you were telling me... Well,

I'll be darned. Look, a cow with a monocle. There is not. There is two, and

leave it to Sir John Arlington, Lady Arlington's husband.

in a spot like this in my life.

And all because you had to blow your mouth off. Me? What did I say?

You practically said that no woman was safe if I was anywhere in the vicinity.

Well, it was really you that said that. I just repeated it.

And to whom did you repeat it?

To him.

To her husband.

Maybe you can lie out of it. Tell Sir John that there's never been anything

between you and Lady Arlington.

What do you mean, lie?

Are you implying that there has been anything between us? Well, I thought

Oh, never mind what I said.

I hardly know the woman.

At one right, she had to call me up anyhow.

She knew she was married.

It's blackmail.

Blackmail? Of course. Her husband is probably in cahoots with her.

Well, that settles it.

What are you doing?

Getting out of here. That's what I'm doing.

You can't do that, Bob. If you run out now, you're admitting you're guilty.

when Arlington kills you, there's no jury in the world who'll convict him.

if Arlington kills me, I really won't care whether they convict him or not.

Don't lose your nerve, Bob. We'll bluff it out. Yeah, how can we bluff it out

with everything you've said? I don't know what I've said. I've said so many

things. Yeah, and the most important thing you said was that the girl was

to be here tonight at this party.

All right, there'll be a lot of people here. Pick out a girl, play up to her.

Arlington doesn't know what girl we're talking about. Pick out a girl, eh?

with my luck, she'll be married, and then her husband will kill me, too.

No matter how you figure it, I'm a dead pigeon.

Hello?

Yeah, this is me, boss.

Is that you?

How are you making out at the party?

I'm making out fine. I'll tell you all about it when I get back.

But right now, you've got to do something for me. Get the car and bring

those showgirls up here.

Well, I sort of plan on using the car myself.

Oh, I just hate to ruin your weekend, Rochester, but I need the car, and

besides, it happens to be mine.

Well, it also happens to be out of gas.

Out of gas?

Well, it was full when I left.

Yeah, I know.

But them termites will drink anything.

Never mind about the termites. Now get one of those showgirls and drive up here

as fast as you can.

Well, I don't know if I can get a hold of one of them showgirls, boss.

You know, you told them they could have the night off.

Well, say I've changed my mind. Say there's a special rehearsal. Say

but get the girl.

Okay, boss, I'll try.

Don't say you'll try, Rochester. You've got to do it. It's a matter of life and

death.

Is you in the jam, boss?

I certainly is in the jam.

And if you don't hurry out here, it might be too late.

You know, you're giving me a terrible case of curiosity.

Don't you want to give me no hint even?

Yes, I'll give you a hint.

Unless you're here with a girl inside of an hour, you're fired.

You want a better hint than that, do you?

No, sir.

Oh, in Rochester?

Yes, Mr.

Bob. Put back that cigar.

Yes, sir.

Well, that was about the best dinner I've ever had.

It was?

I was too nervous to eat anything.

Every time I raised my fork to my mouth, I saw Arlington with his eyes on me.

Hey, did you ever notice those cold, steely eyes on a man? That guy's a

How could you see his eyes? You were sitting about 40 feet from him.

I used field glasses and shot up.

Well, are you enjoying yourself, gentlemen?

Yes, indeed, Sir John. Yes, yes.

Oh, that's fine.

What I always say is enjoy yourself today, because tomorrow you may be dead.

Well, that's a good way to feel, eh, Bob? Oh, it certainly is. You know, you

have quite a place here, Sir John.

Yes, it is rather a nice place.

And very convenient for business, too. Of course, it doesn't compare with our

place in Scotland.

But then we only go there for the shooting season.

You shoot well?

I don't like to brag about it, but...

That's one thing I really can do.

I remember in America once I hit a deer that was a quarter of a mile away from

me.

Is something the matter?

Oh, no, no, no. I get these attacks occasionally.

Well, I'd watch out for that if I were you. A friend of mine had the same

Died very suddenly, the poor fellow.

Am I making you nervous? Oh, no, no, no. I was just trying to get the cup off of

the saucer, you know.

Yes, this poor fellow died without making a will and had a lot of trouble

lawyers.

By the way, have you made yours yet?

What's the matter? Won't I have time?

You never can tell. Here today and gone tomorrow. That's what I always say.

Yeah, I say it too.

I say it.

So, John, I think we should do a little work now, eh? I'll be with you in a

moment. Well, I'll see you later. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed this

little chat.

Me too.

And take it easy.

You're a long time dead, you know.

Bob, you're shaking like a leaf.

Shaking like a leaf? What's a leaf got to shake about?

Temple! Yes?

Your chauffeur is held on.

Rochester. Now, who'd think I'd ever be happy to see him?

Lead on, my friend.

Please. What do you think this is, Hyde Park?

Hey, what's the meaning of this?

Well, I hunted iron low, boss, and this is all of our show people I could find.

Come here, Rochester. I want a quiet word with you.

Yes, sir.

Listen, I asked you to bring me one girl, one.

And you bring me a dozen of them and those six musical pool players.

Well, that's all I started to bring one girl, but none of them would come.

So I told them, like you said, it was a rehearsal at Lady Arlington's. Then they

all wanted to come.

Rochester, that was a stroke of genius.

Yes, sir.

Is there anything the matter?

I know I shouldn't have done this, Lady Arlington, but I thought your guests

might enjoy hearing some American swing music from our company.

Practically our entire company.

I think that would be wonderful.

Oh, what a pleasant surprise, Mr. Temple.

Yes, wasn't it?

Yes.

Do have them come in.

Hotchkiss, see that they're made comfortable, will you?

Very good, my lady.

Thank you. I'm sure you'll enjoy it.

While you take care of these people, I will take care of your actor.

Then I turn him over to you, and you do the rest.

It's France and England together again, defending the home. You won't mind if I

flirt with him a little myself.

You know, my husband is in the study, too.

I promise you, I won't be jealous.

Bob, why should I pretend I'm in love with you?

Never mind why.

Just pretend for the night, and I'll raise your salary $5 a week.

I'm not that good an actress. Not for a small raise like that.

Look, if I wanted a good actress, I'd get Helen Hayes.

How about $10?

$10?

Would I have to kiss you?

Well, later on, in front of everybody. You know, as though you couldn't resist

me. You'd be surprised how I could resist you for a $10 a week raise.

Well, then what do you want?

A dancing specialty beside my song.

A dancing special, you can't dance that well.

I know I can't, but it's either that or you don't get kissed.

Oh, all right.

There goes my show.

Ah, Mr. Temple.

Lady Arlington says I am to take care of you.

Take care of me? Why, am I in danger? Yes, you are in big danger.

In big... from whom?

For me?

Oh. I am a very dangerous woman. Yes. Come, I will show you how dangerous I

Well, look, does your husband allow you to walk with strange men like this? Oh,

no, no, no. He absolutely forbids it. But from what I hear, you are not afraid

of husbands, eh?

Well, yes and no.

You know, this is about the most romantic place in the whole garden.

Yes, it's very nice here.

Won't you?

Well...

Yes.

Then what do you say to redeeming my preferred stock for 104?

No, 104 is too high.

You're still too high.

104 is too high.

Well, I don't want to bargain.

You know, if a man wanted to steal a kiss, this would be the ideal place.

Nobody could see it.

Don't say anything, my friend.

Are you angry?

Oh, no, no.

Of course I'm not angry.

Why should I be?

Well, if you think 103 is too much.

103 is a fair price. As a matter of fact, it ought to be 104.

No, no, no. 104 is too much. I think 103.

Well, let's split it. 103 and a half. You sign the contracts first, and I'll

sign them after you.

You are not very impulsive, Mr. Temple.

Are you? Oh, yes, I am. That's why I watch myself so carefully.

Oh, there's our hostess.

And now, if you will sit.

All right.

How about the common stock? Is that in your wife's name? Oh, no, that is my

You know, this is really the most secluded spot in the garden.

So I've heard.

What do you think would be a fair offer?

No, no, no. You're selling. You name it.

Well, what do you say?

Well, I'm still waiting.

Mr. Dubois, is anything the matter?

Just good fun, eh?

Yes, yes.

You didn't see where the girl was by any chance? Oh, no, no, no.

Let's not look. It wouldn't be cricket, would it? That's right. It would not be

cricket.

to our wives and sweethearts. Yes, to our wives and sweethearts. What we don't

know about them won't hurt us, eh?

Right -o.

Come in.

What is it, Hotchkiss?

The music has already begun, sir.

I suppose we might as well go down and face the music. Oh, we promised.

That hangs around the bandstand all night long He's wacky, he's goofy, he's

dizzy He goes slightly crazy when they play his favorite song Who is he? I ask

you, who is he?

It's fidgety George Doesn't care to dance or sing But when those swing hats

start to swing He's beating out the rhythm blow by blow That's fidgety

Shakes his head from side to side When Mr.

Trumpet takes a ride Don't ask him what he's doing, he don't know He says music

sends him, sends him out of his head But there's nothing that sends him home to

bed He's the whole show Can't read notes, he's not that smart But he knows

lick by heart The great Stokowski of the second row There he sits, throwing fish

He doesn't care to dance the thing.

But when those swing cats start to swing, he's beating out that rhythm blow

blow.

Bitchy Joe just shakes his head from side to side when Mr. Trumpet takes

that ride. Don't ask him what he's doing. He don't know.

Bye.

Kiss. A deal's a deal, you know.

Goodbye, darling.

Don't forget my name and lights.

Goodbye.

You little crook.

Goodbye.

Oh,

just a moment.

Do you do that with everybody?

Why, I'm surprised at you, Sir John, asking such a question.

That young lady happens to be my fiancée.

You remember, I was talking about her on the train.

Fiancée? Yes.

I wonder if that little girl knows what she's getting into.

Well, Mr. Temple, Monsieur Dubois would like to see you in Sir John's study

upstairs.

Dubois? What does he want to do, kiss me too?

I wouldn't know, sir.

Is your name Rochester?

Yeah, man, that's me.

What an odd -looking person you are, aren't you?

Well, I wouldn't talk, brother.

You're the only man I ever saw that looked like he was sucking a lemon and

wasn't.

Follow me to your quarter, sir.

I understand you're a meaning over.

Oh, that's fine.

I ain't weekended in the country for some time.

Say, this is a nice place you got here. It's not mine.

I'm Hotchkiss, the butler.

Well, what do you know?

That's my racket, too.

Racket? Yeah.

How long you been doing this?

I've been employed in this honorable profession for a number of years, as was

father before me and his father before him.

My, my.

Your family sure is in a rut.

You saw?

I saw, but that is not all. It is like you conjugate a verb. I saw, you saw,

he saw.

He saw.

Need I say more?

Time flies.

Well, time has nothing on me. Thank you, my friend. Once more, America's

indebted to France.

I shall always remember a brave man under the husband's very nose.

Well, if you ever get under a husband's nose, don't hesitate to call on me.

Oh, a peeping Tom.

Oh, but Diane.

Hey, thank you.

They promised they would be here in time for the show, did they not?

What's a promise among husbands?

Well, I hope we're off to a good start. Keep your fingers crossed, Rochester.

Can't. I'm hanging on to my rabbit's foot.

Well, for goodness sake, where'd you get that?

I bought it.

I figured if one rabbit's foot makes Lady Luck smile, one more to make her

hysterical.

Hey, give me a foot. I'm going to need it right now.

Good luck, Diana.

Thank you.

Guess I had the wrong foot.

Well, you invite her up to a strange place and sneak out on her.

I don't want to hear another word about what happened at Lady Arlington's.

As far as I'm concerned, she's in the dim, dark past.

As far as I'm concerned, she's in the front row center.

What?

You couldn't pray that rabbit in for a black cat, could you?

There's a breeze like sandalwood

enchantment in my heart.

This will cost only a diamond ring, a mink coat, and about four nights' means.

There we are.

Any more, Gibson?

No, Sir John.

That's the last one.

Well, we are partners at last. Partners at last.

Oh, I didn't realize we'd gone through this bottle.

Oh, thank you and good night, Gibson.

Good night, Sir John.

A toast, Andre.

Now that we are partners, may we have no troubles from our enemies and no

secrets from each other.

Excellent. I agree to that.

I don't think I've been quite fair with you.

So, John, what do you mean?

Oh, I didn't realize. Here we are, partners. There must be no secrets.

I have something to confess.

Well, first let me tell you.

I have kept secrets from you, too.

No, no, your confession comes later. This was my idea, and I'm going to come

clean first. No, you do not even dream this. This concerns that American, that

actor. Bob Temple.

I know whom he kissed on that bench.

You know?

No, I saw.

You saw?

With my own eyes. Oh, I was afraid of that.

What do you intend doing? What can I do? If it were just some girl, I would keep

my mouth closed. But a wife. Yes, a wife, of course.

And whose wife?

Whose wife?

My partner's.

What did you say?

Oh, I know this will hurt you, my friend. But I must tell you, I saw this

kiss your wife.

You laugh.

You are hysterical. You must control yourself.

But you do not blame me for telling you. If it were my wife, you would tell me,

no?

Forgive me.

But that's what I was about to confess to you.

What? I saw him kiss your wife. My wife? Yes.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, too. My wife is a brunette. This lady is a blonde.

A blonde?

Now, I saw him kiss your wife.

As you wish, but I saw him kiss your wife.

Wait a minute. Are you positive?

Beyond a doubt.

Well, I... Hmm, hurry.

This man has been kissing both our wives, don't you see?

But of course.

We can't do this to us. I will cut his throat from ear to ear.

Easy, easy.

We're due at the theater, aren't we? And our wives are there. Maybe being kissed

by him. Come.

Yes.

And we'd like you to see at least part of the second act.

Yes, we'll be right down, my dear.

Your choice.

I take this one.

They are loaded?

Of course.

I have not shot for a long time.

Pardon?

By all means.

And now to the theater.

Oh, Diana.

Yes? We're ahead.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

You look lovely tonight, Diane.

Thanks.

Diane, I swear, Lady Arlington never meant anything to me.

I only did... Look out. She might hear you. She's sitting in the front row, as

you probably know.

I don't care where she's sitting. Will you listen to me? In a word, no.

Then will you listen to her, Lady Arlington? How can I? She and I don't

in the same set.

Well, look, if I get her backstage after the show, will you listen to her?

Maybe I listen, but I don't promise to believe.

Here, give us that lady in the front row.

The blonde filly?

Yes, and she's not a filly. Her name's Lady Ollie.

Sultan Suleiman the Ridiculous.

My loyal subjects, fellow countrymen, gentlemen, and, uh, and, uh,

who are these girls, Allie Rochester?

Them? Them's your wives.

My wives?

Well, looks like I hit the jackpot.

Hello, girls.

Hello, Sultan.

Very nice.

Very nice.

That's only the freshman team. The varsity's out scrimmaging.

Oh, you mean there's more?

Well, well, here comes the varsity team.

No, there's nothing like a quiet evening at home.

Hey, what's the meaning of this?

Your Majesty, we're two of your most loyal subjects.

Well, thanks very much, boys.

Now, what's on your mind?

If it's not too much trouble, I want my wife back.

Why, of course.

Who's got your wife?

You have, Your Majesty.

Oh.

There she is. The second from the right, sir.

Oh, you mean that cute one there?

Yes, her name is Toots.

Well, that's fine. Suppose all husbands wanted their wives back. Where would I

be?

Take these men out and have them shot.

All right, Sergeant, you've got us. But I warn you, some husband is going to

kill you very soon.

Is that so?

On with the dance. I shall have no more interruptions.

I'm not afraid of any husband in the world.

I beg your pardon, sir.

Lady Arlington?

I must call my broker.

What's the

matter, boss?

Something happen?

Sir John is out hunting, and it's not for grouse.

My, my, what are we going to do? I don't know, and I'd better do it quick.

Hey, Musselman, come here. I want to see you in my dressing room a minute.

What's about? I'm going to give you a big job. I'm going to make you my

bodyguard. Bodyguard?

What is a bodyguard? What do you think of it? Somebody that guards a body. A

dead body?

I don't know yet. I'm waiting for the inquest. Come on.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

What are you doing here?

Why, you invited us here.

I know, but your husband's...

Who y 'all want?

Is that you, Rochester?

Yeah, Miss Diana, that's me.

Is Mr. Temple there?

No, he all ain't in.

Y 'all got a message for him?

Yes. Tell Mr. Temple that I just saw Rochester leaving the theater.

I sure got back here fast, didn't I?

Come on, Bob. Open the door. You said you wanted me to listen to some

explanation.

Later, Diana.

I can't let you in now. I'm changing my clothes.

If you're changing your clothes, don't you think you ought to send those two

ladies outside while you do it?

It's your last chance. I'm going.

Diana.

I stumbled.

You've met Miss Wilson, and of course you've met your wives.

If you ladies will step outside a minute.

Oh, no, please.

This conference was called especially for me. For you?

Yes. All right, Bob, let's have your explanations.

Well, if everybody will stop acting like two -year -olds, I can settle this

whole thing with one simple little question.

Lady Arlington, tell them, have I ever made love to you?

As no woman was ever made love to before.

There you are.

What?

From that very first day in the restaurant, when you rushed over to my

swept me off my feet.

Who, me?

And then when I told you that I was happily married, you threatened to kill

yourself at my feet.

I did?

Then what then?

What then?

After all, he was too young to die.

Too young to die.

No, he isn't.

Excuse me. Mrs. Temple?

Junior's been crying for you.

Oh, thank you, Rochester.

Mrs. Temple?

Junior?

Baby or no baby, I'm... Quiet.

Now look what you've done. You've awakened Junior.

And after all, you can't make an offer out of this poor little child.