Original subtitles

[engine revs]

The Founders Day pancake breakfast

is very important to the town.

Yep, making pancakes by the hundreds is what you do

to show something's important.

And what's important to Daventry Hills

should be important to you, Max:

its most famous and important citizen.

Can you just donate a gift basket so I don't have to deal

with the stupid required donations?

I'm in.

[both] Yeah.

Ooh.

- What! Uh! - Wow!

What a great start

- to a great gift basket. - It's moist.

Start? That's the whole enchilada, my good man.

That shirt has never been washed.

Ugh!

[screams] Ack!

[Max] Should go for thousands of dollars to some fanboy

who wants to feel closer to my genius by...

- Ew. - Smelling my genius sweat.

So genius sweat smells like old fried onions.

Good to know.

[sniffs] Who's frying onions?

Ah, I wish I could donate more,

but I am really strapped for cash.

- Strapped for... - How?

- How does that... - Looks like it.

Anyway, I'm off to watch my butler race motorcycles

against other billionaires' butlers.

Hate to think what he makes the gardeners do.

No? Nobody?

- No. - All right

We'd race them ourselves,

but it's really dangerous.

Let's do it!

[engine revs]

Aah!

[all] Oh!

See? Dangerous.

Aah!

[Barbara] Dante?

I've been robbed. Call the police.

There is a burglar out there, with 20 peanut butter jars

and my Jack and the Beanstalkstorybook.

No, no, no. You said I could take your junk

to give to the rummage sale to raise money

for the Founders Day pancake breakfast.

There is a difference

between junk and treasure, Barbara.

In my treasure was the finely-illustrated

children's book of Jack and the Beanstalk.

It meant everything to me.

If it were so important, where was it when I found it?

- In... - Uhh?

In my place I keep important things.

You are taking my childhood and profiting off it, Barbara.

It was a storybook, Dante.

You know if you want, we can act it out like we used to.

[low voice] Fee-fi-fo-fum

I smell the armpits of a Dante son.

No?

[breathing quickly]

That's when it hit me.

Barbara is my evil giant.

I'm her own Jack.

Losing that book is like losing my soul.

That's too bad.

I got the comic book store

to donate some superhero comics with funny animal sidekicks.

My favorite is Captain Starlock and the Astrodillo.

I'm in pain here, Wyatt.

Oh, you tend to yell a lot.

So I thought we were just sharing

how our day was going.

Sorry, Dante. Bummer, man.

You know you can just download that book to your phone, right?

Shut the screen door.

Uh, yeah, it's super easy to get you books online.

Hey, it's even easier

than getting one of Max Ross's stinky T-shirts.

Yeah if I bid on that shirt,

it's just because I feel sorry for the fundraiser.

Not because I...want it.

It has to be exactly the same version

as this finely-illustrated children's book.

Boom! Done! Magic of the Internet.

[laughs]

Take that, Barbara.

Man, getting books online.

What are they going to think of next? Maps?

Hey! These ribbons

aren't gonna curl themselves, people.

Once upon a time, there lived a poor woman and her son,

in a cottage in a land far, far away.

Her son, named Jack,

she spoiled even though they were very poor.

Spoiled-- oh, I wish.

Barbara, you can learn something from this.

[Wyatt] A leak.

[sighs]

[Dante talking in sleep] Peppermint fink.

I want a gumdrop kingdom.

Barbara!

What?

Wow. How long have you been there?

- Hmm? - Never mind.

My socks aren't scattered under my bed

where I normally keep them.

More innocent victims of you

taking everything I love.

Now you might want to check your sock drawer.

You put my socks in my sock drawer?

- Mm-hmm. - Then where's my bug collection?

Oh, where it belongs. The trash.

[both gasp]

Worst mom in all of history.

[both gasp]

Why must you be a constant disappointment to me?

Including this conversation.

I'm okay with that.

Knock, knock, knock.

No one answered the door, so I let myself in.

Yeah?

Wyatt.

One of your friends.

Hmm. No scars.

No visible tattoos. I like him.

Start influencing him. Okay, Wylie?

Wylie?

Got a leak situation.

Why haven't you been answering your phone?

It's frozen on Jack and the Beanstalk.

I fell asleep reading it last night.

Come on. We got to leave.

Okay, hold on. Let me grab my jacket.

Oh, dookie!

She took my Princess Kay collage, too.

At least this whole place isn't disorganized.

You like that?

She tossed my dead bug collection.

It will take me years of leaving the screen door open

with food on the table to build it up again.

And that is why I never go to your house.

Can we stop looking for the leak

and start fixing my phone?

[whining] I feel like I've lost

Jack and the Beanstalk twice in a week.

[loud thuds]

Fee-fi-fo-fum.

I smell you, Englishman.

I think we might have found out

what's wrong with your phone, Dante.

And also, we just saw a giant.

[loud thuds]

[car alarm]

See? That is not a coincidence.

That giant leaked from your

Jack and the Beanstalk e-book, man.

Come on, man. You expect me to believe that some--

Excuse me, but...

you wouldn't have seen a huge giant.

About yea high, growly and sort of terrifying.

He makes me feel funny in me inside jelly pot.

Shut the back door. It's Jack!

I think he gets it.

Good. And now we got one half of the leak.

Jack is not a leak.

He's a hero.

Do you skate? We should skate.

I'm ever so sorry.

I don't understand the word skate, but, but

might be because of the sheer terror I'm feeling.

Which I'm also ever so sorry for.

This guy, he's great. He's sorry he doesn't skate.

I don't see you guys being sorry you don't skate.

Don't worry. I'll teach you.

And you can teach me about destroying giants.

And Barbaras.

[growls]

I can smell you, Jack.

Looks like you've made some friends.

More for me to eat.

Projectable basketball!

[shouting]

Raah!

[all] Aah!

Okay, let's get out of here.

Jack, want a lift?

- Lyle, I'm jumping on. - What?

No, use your own legs, Curly.

Aah!

You can get down now. There's no giant in here.

He doesn't seem like someone who'd be your hero.

Okay, he looks like he bathes.

And he hasn't spit food on me.

Beg your pardon, milady.

Could you point me to the nearest latrine?

I have to make water.

- Make water? - Hum?

Jack's gotta take a gee-whiz.

[laughs]

That you laugh at.

Really nice of Jack to pick up the giant's wallet.

He must have dropped it when he was chasing us.

Woo, big, tall and beautiful.

I like it.

[laughs] Look at the size of this thing.

If we chopped this up, we could-- we--

We could have $1 million.

Man, this giant's wallet is so big,

I wish he bought it at a half-off sale

because then it would be half the size.

Or half as heavy.

Who's with me? Okay, just me.

- Look, we've got to bar Jack. - Yep.

And we got to bar that giant

before he goes all fee-fi-fo-fum on everything.

No, no, no, no. Jack is awesome.

Dante, Jack is a leak. He's got to go.

Not anymore I don't.

What are you chaps doing?

I rather like that grand display of fireworks.

Go on, shoot some more.

Okay, so none of our weapons work on him.

Maybe it's because Jack and the giant aren't from the game.

They're from an e-book.

Or because fate has smiled upon us on this grand day

and bestowed on us a second chance

to employ Jack the giant killer.

You know what? Maybe we can use Jack.

In the story the giant says he can smell Jack, right?

I smell the blood of an English...man.

So we just wait here, and the giant will come to us.

Good idea. In the meantime, I think I know a way

I can hack the book and send him back.

It's going to take a little time.

Well, as long as our giant bait is here,

we know the giant will come after us

and not stomp through Daventry Hills.

Bam!

And they're gone.

You guys go find Jack and Dante.

Just make sure you find them before the giant does.

I am gonna go start crunching some code.

I already raised money having a rummage sale,

so I'm just going to eat and get out of here.

Umm, sounds nice.

Teachers aren't allowed to leave.

Or eat.

This might be the new story with you.

But I'm your sidekick.

We'll just steal some food, then we'll go giant hunting.

Uh, did you steal Angie's wallet?

No, of course not.

That would be wrong.

I snuck it.

Snuck it?

You know, sneak it away from them,

and then later we sneak it back to them.

It's a game.

Oh. Sneaking's fun.

- Dante? - Hi.

Jack, this is my Barbara.

Please to meet you, ma'am.

You're much too pretty and young looking to be someone's Barbara.

Dante, I have to say, first Waylon and now Jack,

I am liking your new set of friends.

Good.

Pleased to meet you, Barbara.

[laughs]

No, you can't. It's my pancakes.

Just one pancake.

- Who raised you? - Just one.

Okay, there's free food for parents and students.

So Dante and Jack got to be around here somewhere.

We better find Jack before that giant does.

Hold up. That basket was supposed to have all the DVDs

of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson movies.

Who would be so horrible that they'd steal

Dwayne Johnson DVDs from a charity event?

[whistling]

Has anybody seen my state volleyball championship jacket

and the other half of my sandwich?

Great!

Is it this much fun when you sneak it back?

Oh, of course. It's the most fun part.

Perfect.

I left Angie at the fundraiser looking for Jack and Dante.

How's it going in here?

Check the news. No giant sightings yet.

But I'm keeping tabs on all the big and tall stores

'cause they're having a giant sale, ah?

- [groans] - Anything me? No? Nothing? Okay.

I think I figured out a way to put them both back

in the e-book once we find them.

Check it.

- Stand back. - Wait, hold on.

If we're going to do a test example, can it be a cute one?

I thought we were in a hurry.

You make time for beauty.

[sighs]

Yeah.

Okay.

Ooh.

Hooray. Even more dwarves.

I'll call you Brainy.

And I'll call you...

Friday night.

- Hey. - Ah.

Okay, back she goes.

Hey man, it just started to get interesting.

Dante is out there with Jack who is being chased by a giant.

We have to help them!

I just want to get advice from someone else.

Hmph.

Appears to be the warehouse headquarters

of a band of young adventurers

in the early 21st Century.

Whoa.

Dude is smart.

So, to save your friend Jack from the giant once and for all,

you need to put him into a different story in place

of another Jack character.

Or write a new story.

Of course that brings up all sorts of other problems.

But no worries. I can solve those for you as well.

You're going to need a humungous windmill

and a lot of radiation, then when we --

All right, whoa. We're kind of in a hurry.

So can we walk and talk? Guys, huh?

Perfect. All right.

You see, Holmes, all I have to do is press this button,

and then Jack and the giant will be sucked back into

the auxiliary port of Blastaton.

Fascinating.

And then they'll be back in the e-book

where they belong.

Equally fascinating is that tree over there,

which I'm going to hide behind

as I've deduced from your story that there's a giant

in the woods that likes to eat Englishmen.

[clucking]

Jack! Dante!

Go away. We're not here.

Oh, really.

Oh, no. It's Sherlock Holmes.

We can't outsmart him.

His hat has two fronts.

[giant] Fee-fi-fo-fum.

Time to eat!

[echo] eat, eat, eat...

Put me back.

I'll send Watson in my place.

He's plump and delicious.

Get that dude out of here.

He's getting on my nerves.

Fine, maybe you're right.

Later, Holmes!

You know what else I smell?

Another small child who doesn't bathe often.

Oh, just like Barbara.

Okay, Jack. Go get that giant.

Just like you always do.

Tally-ho!

Here we go.

[groans]

What?

Hey, was there a mugging in the book?

Oh, boy.

That giant is going to be so mad.

[crying] Why?

Uh...

Oh.

The giant is crying?

Shouldn't he be smelling our blood and trying to eat us?

Hey.

Ah, Mr. Giant, sir.

Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

I'm sick and tired of the Jack boy terrorizing me all day.

Wyatt! Wyatt!

Get over here.

You are making friends with the enemy.

Everybody thinks I'm the bad guy.

Look at the facts.

Some guy I don't know climbs up to my neighborhood

and breaks into my house.

That mini cramp.

- Hey Jack! - Yeah

Not so nimble, are we?

[snaps]

[Lyle] - Let's go. - No.

Steals my golden harp and my golden goose.

Made me reconsider having so much gold in my house.

- [laughs] - Then I wake up this morning,

and my wallet is gone.

Don't listen to him. He is the bad guy.

Jack is the good guy.

Um, I don't know about that.

Look at what the good guy did.

Stole the skull cracker.

- Snuck it. - Hey.

[Angie] Oh. Snuck it.

[screams]

You weren't going to sneak any of this stuff back, were you?

[growls] Fee-fi-fo-fummit! We'll never catch him.

Wyatt, you happen to have an e-book

of Little Red Riding Hood on your phone?

- No. - Come on.

- Yes. - Yeah.

Do you want me to bring out

a girl in a red hood to chase Jack?

Not exactly.

Aah!

[vicious growl]

Man, for a famous beanstalk climber, that is embarrassing.

Should I suck up the wolf now?

Let him sweat a little longer.

[scream]

[all] Do it now!

Whoo!

I thought Jack was a good guy

and the giant was evil.

Makes you think.

About?

Isn't it obvious?

No.

Sometimes the people you think are the bad guys,

are the good guys and the good guys are the bad guys.

Yes, that's why you should never judge a book by its cover.

Even an e-book.

[giant] Laughs.

[Wyatt] Finally, somebody with my sense of humor.

Time to get you guys back right where you belong.

[Dante] No, no, no. Wait, wait.

If we send them back now,

Jack will just keep tormenting the giant over and over again.

And we will not have righted the wrong being committed.

Fine, but hurry it up.

You know, it's my first night closing,

and you guys shouldn't even be in here.

Now, before we send you back into the book,

I'm giving you these therapy foam bats.

Either of you feel frustrated, you can use them

to take out your aggression in a safe way.

Hey!

[Jack] Okay.

Aah!

All right.

Dinner and a show.

You're cleaning that up!

Can't beat that with a foam bat.

Huh?

[laughs]

[Lyle] Angie, they're breaking stuff.

Whoo!

[Wyatt] Okay.

Show's over.

[Barbara] Dante!

Aha!

Aha you.

Caught you.

Doing what? Reading a book?

Well, that's not very like you.

Yeah, well sometimes the good guys are the bad guys,

and the bad guys are the...

good guys.

That's it. I'm checking under your bed.

No, no. I did not fish my dead bug collection

out of the trash and hide it under my bed.

[gasps] You...

No, no, no.

What's that smell?

It's me. It's always me.