Original subtitles

Meanwhile on Con Man

-Shit. You're Jack Moore. -That's right.

Man I gotta tell you I am a much bigger fan of Spectrum.

-Aw. -You don't say.

Oh shit what is that like a reunion? Heeey Wray Nerely, best pilot ever!

-Wray's here? -Wray you're here!

-This is Jack's new assistant. -You showed me pictures of your kids.

Because I have twins now. I, I'm married.

-Yup. -Married…

-Where's Wray? -Ow, ow. Help!

Help! Stutter! Get off. Get off!

I am so worried about you.

Worry about yourself.

Is that a cake server?

I couldn't find the knives.

Do you trust me Wray?

You tied me up.

Did you used to trust me?

When?

Do you trust me? Just say no.

No.

Well I trusted you!

But then you mouthed off

and told everybody about my private life!

Private life… come on.

It's not like I outed you for being gay.

I wish I was gay!

I knew that. I knew that.

Because of you, I'm a pariah in this town.

Casting directors pretend they don't know me.

Okay, I mean, just for the record I never

specifically told anybody that you were a Republican.

You told a Variety reporter that I voted

twice for George W. Bush!

Bush.

I'm sorry, that's reflex. I mean it's, it's abs- it's reflux.

But I experience it reflexively.

Now the only actors that return my calls are

Seagal, Danza, Baldwin.

Alec?

Steven.

-Wray? -Faith?

Don't come in.

The door's booby trapped with a spray-cheese bomb.

Is that what that is?

Stutter.

You are the worst house guest!

Untie him.

I want an apology.

I am sorry.

That's not enough. I want more.

What do you want?

I, Stutter Dawes,

want a Howitzer…

No.

Fine. Then I want a haircut.

Since I've been outed, as a Republican in Hollywood,

there's not a hairdresser in town

that'll give me an appointment.

Okay. Okay I think I can actually help out with this.

I know a born-again Christian hairdresser.

Really?

Untie him.

I mean even if he isn't a Republican,

he'll forgive you for being one.

Thank you.

This, this too, this too please.

Oooh ow! Ow!

I'll, I'll do this, I'll do this part myself.

So tell me about this hairdresser.

Uh, his name is Juan Carlos.

Carlos? Better not be an illegal.

Did they say how a 10-year-old girl

managed to climb down 100 feet into a crevice?

I was trying to figure out why they're all so friendly.

Aren't the Sesii and the Enthans supposed to be at war?

Ah I can't see anything through this black.

I wish I knew how much further it was.

Cash?

It's about 20 feet.

Mattress! Mattresses! Mattresses! Everywhere!

What is it missing? Whoooores!

I'm Crazy Bruno, Amsterdam's

number one wholesaler.

Announcing our annual wholesale,

at the whorehouse warehouse.

We got the white sale, the black sale, all colors, all body

types, on sale. We're making room for next year's models…

Oh my God.

Is this a whorehouse commercial?

-Ugghh… -Is Stutter in here?

-Oh no the thing went off? -Wray!

-Wray, we need to make a movie. -When did you get here?

Is that, is that spray cheese? What is that?

Uh, yeah, I, you know I'm just gonna go wash it off.

Start this without me.

Where'd the whores go?

How'd we do it? Well, we cut out the middleman

unless you want him in there, he can work the camera!

We cast no aspersions, on your perversions.

You like rock bottom prices? This guy's name is Rock.

And he's a bottom. Come and get a good price!

We offer Mexican Hair Lips!

Tank Slapping! Pancake Press!

Hobbit Bobbit!

Gravy Sores!

Chode-A-Phil! Skin Tags!

And, Butt Johns!

Wha! Spa! Wackitasatah!

Crazy Bruno hahahaha!

Wray, we can't do this movie without Jack.

This bathroom is gorgeous I hate him.

Brenda. I could have been doing anything in here.

I mean not anything but, ya know. Pooping…

He listens to you.

Cashmere? That doesn't even make sense!

Brenda, look,

this movie's not gonna happen.

It has to. I owe some very scary people a lot of money.

What, who like the mob?

Worse. Pounders Weight Loss Center.

When I signed up to be their spokesperson last year

I didn't read my contract carefully.

It was "$10,000 for every pound I lost". I didn't realize

I would owe $10,000 for every pound I gained.

Okay.

I gained 115 pounds. Uuuuh.

-Wow okay then… -Yea, mhm.

I, um, well yeah okay.

But, making a movie out of a cancelled TV show,

that is not gonna fix this.

Wray. Wray Wray Wray, baby, come on, Wray.

Of course, it's gonna fix it. You son of a bitch!

-Brenda. -Sorry.

What the hell?

I, I'm becoming one of them. Oh gosh. I'm sorry.

But, we're gonna make this movie

you son of a bitch!

I did it again. I need focus.

Brenda said we're making a movie.

Tiffany, you have a job.

Aren't you on "So You Think You Can Judge?"

Yeah. But I'm not one of the regular judges.

They judge us as judges. Well we

judge the contestants who are competing to become judges.

-Tiffany… -Don't judge me.

I wish our lives were as easy to change as a channel.

Press a button, you're a kid again, back on your first show.

Look you're, you're young.

You can do anything you want.

It's harder to become anything you want once you start actually

becoming who you are.

Kid.

Oh my God, you're breaking my heart.

So embrace a new now with shine and bounce.

Stupid…

Tiffany! Hey!

Ugh, I'm thirsty.

Can I have a little privacy please?

Did Brenda tell you that we're making a movie?

A movie? No! Wow!

Wray?

Nope. Dawn. I'll be out in a minute.

It's Faith.

I love you.

Okay Faith, you love me, well I love you, baby.

It's so good to hear.

I know you have feelings for her.

Dawn don't do this. Please don't do this.

Listen,

God, that is so disgusting, that is all preservatives.

What are you doing?

-You got my message? -I didn't get your message.

-You came. -No, no…

Do you yearn for me sexually?

No, I didn't listen to the message.

-You always listen. -And you never do.

You have a husband.

He thinks I'm needy.

Hold me.

No, God. No God. No God. No God, listen to me. Listen to me.

-Yes? -You just had twins.

I don't even think one of them's mine.

What? That doesn't even make any sense!

Dawn, Dawn Dawn Dawn what are you doing?

You know what this reminds me of?

Don't say it.

Vegas.

Screw Vegas.

-Open inner door. -Computer: Opening airlock

Close airlock. Get rid of that trash.

Computer: Closing airlock.

How did you do that? You couldn't see, you couldn't hear.

How did you aim your gun?

I knew the general vicinity.

That's quite a hit you took.

You okay?

The Scion is safe. I am more than okay.

We'll be fine. Thank you, Captain.

I have some new questions for you.

Where's Bree?

She's gone.

That, thing, killed Bree.

You could have saved her.

-It wasn't his fault. -Yes it was!

Blame the Null.

You know what? If that's not good enough, yeah you go ahead.

You blame me. Blame everyone. But that includes you.

And when you're done,

I'll see you on the Bridge.

And I will see you in hell.

Evacuate the airlock!

Computer: Hull breach is imminent.

Hull breach is imminent.

Evacuate cargo pit.

Hull breach is…

The Null can't be stopped. Every galaxy, every planet,

will be gutted and harvested like your Earth.

Your deaths will not be quiet or quick.

Enough.

Computer: Airlock clearing.

We're changing course. Earth is no longer our

intended destination. It's the past.

Our future, is with the Scion.

Jack! Jack's calling! Answer.

-Guys? -Hey Jack!

Hey, I'm almost there you guys, I'm almost home

but I could not wait to tell you.

I just got off the phone with the man himself, PJ Haars.

I got the rights.

Who wants to make a movie!?

-I do, I do! -What kind of movie?

-How much does it pay? -I'm in.

Alright! I don't know how much

PJ's gonna be involved but he seems very excited.

I'm talking to a couple studios already.

Everybody's on board, this is going to happen.

The Internet is…

Looks like we're gonna be working together again.

Okay!

Faith, open up my schedule we're gonna juggle some stuff around.

I don't know what you guys are like right now, your schedules,

-Yes! -Yes!

We're gonna make this work you guys.

This is gonna be great!

See you on set!

Wray?

I'll see you.

In Hell.