Original subtitles

Meanwhile on Con Man

I have the script. It's a western! Clint Eastwood!

Hush it down!

-No one can know about this. -I'm Karen.

-The convention sent over a personal assistant. -She's dressed just like me.

I just came to get my lucky pen back.

-Is that his pen? -No, it is not.

You are insinuating that Mr. Nerely is a petty thief. Leave the line now!

Is that the script? That was in my pocket.

Yeah, so was your wallet.

I needed to get some cash so I could make extra copies.

I think Clint wouldn't mind if I rehearsed with you.

Ok. Hush. Hush, please.

Oh perfect.

Oh great. This is wonderful.

Lights, camera, action.

You sit here. So, let me just sort of set

the stage for you. Alright.

Now, the wagon train has been attacked by Indians.

Yeah, I know.

Okay there are dead bodies everywhere thrown

around like dirt!

This way, that way, they're all over, they're spread apart.

Ok…and we're tired. And we're very thirsty.

We're scared. But we're still alive!

And…Go!

Buzzards.

Do you think they know what we don't?

It's been days Tucker.

-What should we do? -Nothing. Not 'til Cody…

He's dead.

Everyone is dead. No, Cody made it out. Cody made it out!

-Tucker I can't see. I can't see. -Be still.

-I can't see anything. -Be still. -Is that you?

Be still! Be still.

You're bleeding again.

You smell that? That's my wound that's infected.

Stop it! Bobbie! What are you doing?

You're supposed to be playing an old man. A dying old cook.

Well, I thought cookie was a sassy prostitute.

Where are you getting that? Crusted chili baked into his beard.

That is…it is not in the line.

No it's not always in the lines. It's what's behind the lines.

Yeah. I got that tip on the set of Kojak

from Mr. Telly Savalas. That wasn't the only tip

that he gave me that day. He is big tipper.

Ok. I wanna wanna… I wanna work on this alone now.

Oh, really, ok. Well, let me give you a little lesson. Alright?

Acting is half reacting. Watch my snuffs.

Oh you've got to be kidding me!

How the…Bobbie!

I rip out your heart and show it to your dying eyes!

Die human!

Jerry Jerry, Jerry, stop it man!

Oh I got you so good! You were so scared.

-I was not. -Yes, you were.

I knew it was you. It was that character you did for that video game.

-Hey, missed you in Vegas. -Screw Vegas.

This thing stinks!

Yeah, it's a little bit steamier than the Mo-cap suit

but it smells like wolf urine and brie.

I kind of like it.

Ow ow ow. Oh I'm broken.

Oh it's the back? I got something for that.

You dick! I have to record an audition this… Oh hey!

Can you help me record an audition this weekend for a movie

for Clint Eastwood western.

Why are you whispering?

Because it's top secret and nobody can know about it.

Does Clint know?

Cures what ails you.

I don't know man. Is it strong?

Naw. Unless, you're drinking.

Well, I'm not drinking.

I'm going to be doing a little

cross species breeding this weekend.

That requires a lot of booze.

Oh, see you in about 20 at that thing with those people, right?

Yeah, give me a little bit.

Ow! Hey!

-Hey buddy! -Hey buddy, how's it going man?

Oh I'm bored.

I finally have a day off and relaxing feels like failure.

Why aren't you here man? You cancelled.

No, my assistant cancelled. He's not working out.

I wish I was there with you.

I wish I was there. Hey man, I have an audition

for Clint Eastwood. For a Western.

And I was wondering if you knew him.

I don't know. Maybe put in a good word for me?

All famous people don't know all the other famous people, Wray.

But yeah I know him.

He borrowed my lawn mower. He owes me a favor.

Seriously dude, thank you so much!

I still can't find the lawn mower.

Si, I love poker. You know I speak English. I went to USC.

We'll see. I'm going to win some free landscaping off these Chilangos. Let's go.

-Thank you, thank you man. -You bet.

These are the platinum members.

Talk to each table for 15 minutes.

When the bell rings switch tables.

I'm not that interesting.

People are here to have fun Wray. Be fun.

Remember Lieutenant be who they think you are.

No, that didn't work.

Then just be yourself.

Be myself. I can do that. Thank you. Be myself.

Thank you.

Smile.

So, anybody have any questions? Yeah.

Are you guys ever going to make a Spectrum movie?

God, I hope not. Any other questions?

Nothing?

So, after Spectrum,

what's your favorite sci-fi project that you've done?

Oh, Galactic Justice, that one blew. Um uh.

Time Jackers that one sucked. Infant One sucked.

Infant Two sucked even more.

But they didn't suck anywhere near as bad as the prequel

Into the Womb: Back to the Fetus.

The alien baby was awesome.

I bet you think that about all babies because you're

about to have one.

One what?

One what?

If you could do any movie what superhero would you be?

If I could do any movie, it wouldn't be a superhero movie.

I would do a Cohen brothers movie.

I would do a Wes Anderson movie.

You don't like sci-fi?

Let me be honest with you.

I hate sci-fi.

Nerely! Who's ready for some hard stuff?

It's unanimous.

Lose the flask Bilbo.

Let's do this!

Oh my God! Oh my God!

Have you…have you seen her?

This is the best Belaran costume I've ever seen.

Ever since we went off the air, I've never seen a Belaran.

The scariest race in Spectrum.

I'm sorry. I've made you some bourbon balls.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

-That is very nice of you. -I hope you like it.

How do you put bourbon into balls?

Carefully.

-She's shy. -Yeah ok.

-Alright. -No nope.

What are you doing with my bourbon balls?

I'll keep these for you.

Then let's just drink some bourbon!

Yes! Bourbon for Mr. Nerely.

Come on everybody!

You are a crazy man!

You look just like that fuckin' guy who's at the other bar!

Andy Serkis. What's so great about Andy Serkis?

Circus is where clowns live.

You know what I've never seen at any circus?

And I've been to circuses all over the world.

You know what I haven't seen at any circus?

Your penis?

You know it's the corporatization of America.

Then they come in, all the studios are corporations now.

They are retarding art.

Exactly!

Retardin' it all up.