All language subtitles for 1 1 The End 2026 S01E05 Not All Heroes Wear Capes 1080p

to the end.

Nice, everybody.

Welcome to the end, everybody. It's a
storytelling show. Me and my comedian

friends, we're all telling true and
really terrible stories.

You guys ready to start the show?

You know this next comic from his hit
special, Jew, and his podcast, You Be

Trippin'. Please have a welcome to the
stage, Mr. Ari Shaffir, everybody!

This story is about my downstairs
neighbor, Thatcher.

Thatcher is gay in a very specific way.
I'm not sure if you guys know all the

different styles of gay.

It's a great time to be gay. There's so
many.

When I was growing up, it was really
just bears and twinks.

Yeah, what a terrible time to be a young
gay.

To be like, I'm gay. I'm like, all
right, right or left.

You know, it's a real two -party system.
Bear, twink, fit in.

But now, the scene has exploded with
flavors.

Bears, twinks, seals, otters, cubs,
foxes. There's probably none.

Animal ones that I'm not aware of?

So many.

Asian twink. Have you ever heard of
Asian twink? There's a name for it.

Twink.

I'm sorry. I'm legitimately retarded.

Anyway,

Thatcher is none of those. He's one of
one.

He's somewhere in the ages of 30 and 50.

No one can tell.

When he was 19, he completed the rare
task of fucking every man in Manhattan.

And at 22, he overdosed on semen and got
frozen that way.

And now he's got this reverse vocal fry
I've never seen in any other human.

Instead of going up, it goes down at the
end.

He always feels like he did acid like
two days ago.

Whenever I see him, he's like, how are
you doing?

Good.

He always talks to him when he's outside
smoking cigarettes.

He's wearing one piece of leather just
to keep it real.

Never goes to full leather on weekdays,
but either leather pants or if he's got

jeans on, then a leather strap
underneath his sweatshirt.

Something.

Hates white women, by the way. Fucking
hates you guys.

Yeah, woo girls, he calls them. He barks
at them when they walk by.

Yeah, yeah. Bark is also, that's not a
figure of speech. Like, he legitimately

barks at white women when they walk by.

Yeah, we'll be talking. He's like, oh my
God, I found the best new jungle room.

It was like, went to like 6 a .m.

Excuse me one second.

And they jump and run, and he laughs
with glee.

Thatcher rules. He's so fucking cool.

Here's who he is, if you want to get a
sense of him. One day I was walking home

late night from the Comedy Cellar, and a
fire truck passed me with the sirens

on. And I was like, ooh, somebody's in
trouble.

And then 10 minutes later, I turn onto
my block. The fire truck is in front of

my building.

Which, yeah, that's never a good thing.

I was like, oh, shit.

And I get up there, and I look. There's
no smoke coming out. So I'm like, all

right, it's not a fire, I don't think.
And then Thatcher's out there. He's

smoking, looking at it. I was like, hey,
Thatcher, what's going on in there? He

goes, somebody's ODing in my apartment.

I'm like, what?

He goes, they're, like, dying or
whatever.

And the fire, I looked at there, banging
on his door, trying to get in. Like,

open up. Open up the fucking door. One
of them comes over. He's like, what did

he take?

And Thatcher's like, GHB.

And they go, how much do you take? He
goes, fucking all of it.

So the fire department got serious.
Like, fuck. One of them goes, we got a

for sure.

I'm like, what the? And they go get a
battering ram to knock his door down.

Guys, for three in the morning, I was
going to watch an episode of Severance.

This was so much more exciting than
anything on any television program.

And I'm like, and they start banging on
the door. And I go to Thatcher. I'm

like, I mean, who's in your apartment?
Like, what's the story? What's going on

here? And he goes, he leaves. And he
goes, nobody's in there.

What? What do you mean?

And he goes.

Yeah, I guess he called the locksmith,
and it was like $100.

And he was like, no fucking chance.

That's so much drugs I could buy with
$100.

I'm not spending $100 again on my own
home. No.

I'll think of another way.

And he did.

And they knocked his door down.

They banged it. It didn't pop open. The
whole thing fell.

And five firemen ran in there to find
what I knew they were not going to find.

And I'm just like, like... And then I
waited. They came out, like, 20 seconds

later, a mixture of, like, relief and,
like, sadness, I guess.

And they go, hey, nobody's in there. And
Thatcher just goes, what?

And then he walked over his door and
went to sleep.

He had no door for, like, six days.

Like, the super hates him. He's like,
I'm not in any rush to help you. You're

always a problem.

Yeah, I come home and I just see him on
his bed. I'm like, hey, Thatcher. He's

like, eh.

Just open door.

He fucks, too, like a lot.

And he doesn't change his fuck schedule
for no door.

Yeah, you guys probably fuck at night.
Thatcher fucks whenever a fuck presents.

So I heard he was getting railed at like
2 .10 p .m.

Yeah, he lives on the ground floor.

Like, you have to pass his door to get
to any other apartment in the building.

And he's just getting bent over and
split open by some guy.

And fucking people are walking their dog
and they're coming home. It's coffee

hours still.

They're like, close the door. And he's
like, I can't.

Fair.

Anyway, here's what I want to tell you.
I need your opinion on it.

One day, do you guys have a homeless guy
in your neighborhood that you

recognize?

Isn't that wild? We all live in
different neighborhoods.

Every neighborhood has, like, a mayor
homeless.

Mine just smiled.

I have a homeless guy in Tompkins Square
Park.

Well, there's two, actually. There's a
female homeless guy.

That I recognize, because I saw her when
she started. That's when I noticed her.

Because she was hot. She was, like,
legit hot. She was hotter than you,

than you, hotter than you.

Hotter than all of you. This is not an
attack on any one of you. I'm just

saying. She was legit hot.

You will be happy to know she is no
longer hotter than any of you.

Heroin did what it was supposed to.

The last time I saw her, she was
reaching into her pants and going like

going, ugh.

And then like walking and then reaching
in again and going, ugh.

If you just kept doing that, I want to
be like, lady, that ain't just going to

clear up.

If you got pussy rot, you got to treat
that.

That says that in every farmer's
almanac.

But this other guy, he just smiles, sits
in the eastern corner of Tompkins

Square Park.

Never got his name. Those are the
people. You don't give them money. You

just go, how are you doing today? And
you're like, I'm a good person.

Even though I could desperately use a
dollar.

It's not a relationship.

Anyway, he just sits there and smiles,
and he's not bothering anybody, but I

like him. He's actually the first person
I see most mornings when I walk my dog,

and it's nice. It's nice to see him. If
I'm in a bad mood, I'm like, I'll do

this and this, and there's some homeless
guy like, like, all right, maybe I

should be in a better mood then.

Anyway, one day, I was coming
downstairs. My elevator opens. It's

hallway, front door, Thatcher's
vestibule, I guess. No, I don't know

would call a place without a door.

And then some other guy lives here who
fucking hates Thatcher.

He's got to share a recycle bin with
him, and I would not want to do that.

Anyway, I thought the door had been
fixed. It was like two weeks past, but

anyway, came down, elevator opens. That
smiling homeless guy is in my building.

Somebody buzzed him in.

If you're a homeless guy, you get access
to a building, and the first door you

see, has no door.

You must be like, yeah!

This is a dream!

And so I go up there to tell him no, you
know, to be like, hey, get out of here.

Like, I'm mostly coward, but like, the
level of hero I have in me is I'll be

like, hey, no.

That's about as much as I can give.

If there's a homeless guy about to rob
an apartment in my building, I can say,

don't.

And if they're like, I'm still gonna, I
go, well, I tried. I don't know.

It's up to you.

So I go up there to be like, hey, hey,
don't. And as I go up there, I see the

door is fixed, but it's open. And
Thatcher's in there.

And he's talking to him. And he's
smiling, too.

And then he takes a wad of crumpled up
bills, shoves it at the guy, and says,

Get the fuck out of my apartment
already.

Question for you guys.

What preceded that?

What do you think was going on in
Thash's apartment while I was putting my

and shoes on for the day?

I know what I don't want it to be.

You got any guesses?

You don't want to say it.

Okay, let's stay positive.

Maybe it's not what we're all thinking.
That definitely happened.

I don't want to live in that world. I
don't want to be in a world where

someone's... Hold on. Let's not even say
it yet.

Fucking the homeless.

That's a line.

Would you run out of home full people to
fuck?

I mean, what is the gay world where
you're like, I wish there was an

market of single dudes I'm just not
looking at?

Maybe it's not. Maybe it's something.
Okay, let's not.

Let's not. Okay, maybe, huh, maybe
Thatcher was commissioning him to paint

mural in his apartment.

Maybe someone was fucking or sucking.

But then that leads to more questions.
Who's fucking whom?

Is it just sucking? Is it a
relationship?

But how do you ask somebody that?

If I'm wrong, it's an insulting
question.

You know, like, hey, you fucking the
homeless?

What?

You know, it's not like, hey, did you
park outside? Like, no, I parked around

the corner.

Not an issue.

Are you fucking the homeless? Wait,
wait, what did you think?

There's certain questions you ask that,
like, the answer's going to be no,

whether it's true or not.

You know? What's your name?

Maria. Let's say I found out you were
stealing money out of the collection

at church, which is, I think, rules, but
society does not agree.

And if I was like, are you stealing
money out of the collection plate,

You'd go, no.

And that means no or yes.

So you got to phrase it right. You got
to phrase it just right.

You know, maybe we're out getting beers.
I'm like, wait, $16? I thought it was

$14. Fuck, I'm $2. Maria, how much did
you get out of the collection plate

today?

Maybe you can get it. Oh, I got $12. I
fucking knew it, you bitch.

So I had to ask Thatcher what was going
on with this smiling homeless guy.

Every time I tried to get him in a good
mood, he'd be outside talking and he'd

be throwing shoes over the... Trees in
front of my apartment. That's one of his

favorite pastimes.

Yeah, it's not his shoes. He goes out
some days to find shoes to throw over

branches of the trees in front of my
house. You can find my apartment if you

look hard enough.

And every time I'd be about to ask him,
you know, suddenly, yeah, see,

you jumped. You jumped.

It works. I jump.

White chicks jump when you bark at them.

Every time I'd be about to ask him, some
fucking white bitch would walk by and

make him angry.

And I'm like, I can't ask him now. He's
in a bad mood.

I couldn't figure out how to ask him.
And then one day I was leaving my

apartment. Elevator door opens, right?
I'm about to come out. There's another

homeless guy in my building, sleeping on
the floor in the hallway, like blocking

the whole hallway. By the way, guys, I
should tell you at this point.

I actually do well.

I'm fine financially. I know this story
involves a lot of homeless people in my

building. Actually, that's almost all
the characters. But I'm telling you,

is out of the ordinary for how I live.

So I'm like, what the fuck? Anyway, so I
go, like, what happened to my fucking

building? So I go to, like, step over,
and it's Thatcher.

He's laying next to his door with the
keys and his phone in his hand, just

out, sleeping.

Like, I don't know what drugs you did
all night, but you came home at 6 in the

morning and was like, close enough.

It was so hard to get. We've all been
drunk. I just got to get home.

And you're like, through the front door
of the building. I'm like, that's fine.

I'll call it.

You're right near your bed.

And I'm like, what the fuck? And I
looked down, but there was some blood on

wall by the floor.

Yeah, and he was kind of like shaking,
and there was some fucking shit coming

out of it, some like white bile in his
mouth. Yeah, I think he fucking

and bashed his head, and he was like
choking on it.

He was like, like Breaking Bad. Remember
when that girl died?

Yeah, it was like that.

Yeah. And just like Breaking Bad, I
briefly considered doing nothing.

Briefly. Less time. Less time than
Walter White.

It was like a millisecond. I was like,
well, maybe don't get in the way of

nature.

But, well, no.

There was also cameras in the hallway,
and that's a pretty bad look.

You know?

If they're like, Thatcher died. Did you
see anything? Like, no. Didn't see

anything.

Really? There's footage of you going...

That's not going to help me sell
tickets. So I bent down and I turned him

There's blood everywhere. Blood. I
wasn't wearing this outfit, but blood

over me. And then the fucking vomity
shit comes out. He's still shaking,

unconscious. Right then, the other guy
who lives downstairs came out of his

apartment, saw it, and goes, ugh.

And then just fucking shuts the door.

Anyway, 911 called them. They got there
pretty fast. White neighborhood.

Sorry.

And a male and a female paramedic, they
show up, they fucking, they cleared his

mouth. He was completely unconscious.

It was fucking wild. The guy never stops
entertaining.

And they put him in a gurney and then
the male goes, hey, what drugs does your

friend take?

And I'm like, first of all, do not write
friend down on that piece of paper.

That is very official.

That is a guy who lives in my building.

His name is Thatcher, I think.

And he goes, did he take drugs? I'm
like, yeah, Thatcher always takes drugs.

rules.

They're like, what drugs did he take?
I'm like, whatever you got, he's down.

He's not going to stop a party.

Thatcher takes everything.

He's legitimately maybe the coolest guy
I've ever met in my life.

And they go, okay. And they put him in
the gurney. And then the female

goes, hey, just so we know, if he
regains consciousness, is he going to be

danger to us?

Because that's their job, I guess. And I
was like, I mean, physically, no.

But, lady, I'm looking at your haircut
right now.

He's going to light you up.

She was like, I'll be fine. I'm like,
you don't know Thatcher. I would let the

man wheel him in.

Anyway, so that's it. They pulled him
away, and I didn't hear anything. Three

days later, I passed the other guy who
lived in the building.

As I pass him, he goes, you know he
survived.

I'm sorry, dude. What do you want me to
do? There's cameras in the hallway.

And then I saw Thatcher. I saw him like
a week after that.

And he was outside throwing shoes over
the branches.

You know, at full recovery, I guess.

By the way, I just found out what his
favorite television show is of all time.

You're not going to guess. The View.

But not just his favorite. Like, he's
been to ten tapings.

Anyway, so he's up there fucking trying
to chuck shoes over the telephone wire

or the branches.

And he sees me. Somebody told him what
had happened. He goes, oh, my God, Ari,

you saved my life.

And I was like, it was nothing, man.

Meaning his life was worth.

No, I'm joking. I'm joking. He is the
fuck is so unique and interesting.

He's made my life better by being a part
of it. I love that guy.

But I go, don't worry about it. It's
fine. He goes, no, you know, you saved

life. If there's anything I can do to
repay you, I'm like, you don't have to.

You would have done the same for me.
There's cameras in the hallway.

And he goes, there's nothing you want?
I'm like, no. Oh, actually, though, yes.

There is something that I would like to
know.

I have a question for you.

And I would like an honest answer.

And I believe saving your life warrants
one answer.

That's honest to one question.

And he goes, sure, whatever.

I was like, okay. You know that smiling
homeless guy that sits in the corner of

Tompkins Square Park?

And he goes, Danny?

Yeah, I don't know, maybe.

I never got his name.

He goes, the one I pay to blow me?

Yeah, we're probably thinking about a
thin guy. Yeah.

And he's like, what's your question? I'm
like, I actually don't have any

questions.

Thank you very much everybody.

We're going to have a fun time tonight.
You guys ready to party?

There we go.

This next guy is literally my oldest
friend in comedy. When I first started,

hired me at the comedy store.

He was like, put in an application. I'm
sure we can make room for you. And I've

known him for 25 years. He's the most
creative man in comedy.

The host of the Duncan Trussell Family
Hour. Please give it up for Mr. Duncan

Trussell, everybody!

Thank you so much.

Man, it is so cool to be back in New
York. I used to live in Park Slope, and

the last time I was here, I was single.

But now I am a breeder. I am a full -on
breeder.

I have three beautiful kids, and I love
it so much. And I don't mean to

get cheesy at the beginning of this
thing, but I definitely...

the best thing that has ever happened to
me. Like, it is the most incredible

experience. Like, you know, like, I'm
sure, hopefully your parents said this

you, when, like, my mom, my mom, when
she

was a few chardonnays deep, would say
things like, you can never understand

the love.

I feel for you. The love a mother feels
for her kids.

And you would be like, when is she going
to shut the fuck up?

You took my weed this morning, lady.

But it's true.

That's it's real. That's like it blows
your heart open. Don't get me wrong.

everything you've heard about it in the
negative is true. Like I'm exhausted

right now. The kids have been keeping us
up for the last week, like on the hour,

every hour. They just wake us up. And
let me tell you, as a parent, the third

time you hear your door creak open in
the night, you're

like.

Please, God, let it be a home invader.
Please, God, just blow my fucking brains

out, man.

I just want to sleep.

But, you know, it is incredible.

And one of the most amazing things about
it is that you end up going places you

normally would never have gone.

And I took my entire family.

to the Taylor Swift concert film when it
came out. Are there any Swifties here

tonight?

Just a couple of tepid Swifties in the
back.

Yeah.

You didn't really cheer loud enough for
her. You kind of betrayed her just now,

you know?

Don't worry.

We're afraid of you more than you're
afraid of us.

No, Swifties are terrifying.

Swifties are the ISIS of fandom. They
will fuck you up. And the story that I'm

going to tell tonight, it's essentially
a suicide note. Like when this comes

out, I'm done. They're going to take me
out for real.

They will take you out. Look at Donald
Trump's tweet.

The day of his second assassination
attempt.

I hate Taylor Swift.

Three hours later, there's a dude at his
golf course with an assault rifle and

friendship bracelets. Like, I'm about to
show you a blank space, Mr.

President.

Regardless, when I decided to take my
family to see the Taylor Swift concert

film, I didn't really know much about.

taylor swift like obviously i knew who
she was because if you live on the

right now you have to know who she is
because there's really no escape from

i'm sure there are there there are
people in caves in the appalachian

that if you went to their cave and asked
them you know taylor swift is right

they'd be like yeah people walk by you
hear fucking music there's no escape in

her she's insidious and everywhere but

I only knew, like, songs that I'd heard
on the radio.

And one thing I definitely didn't know
about the Taylor Swift concert film or

Taylor Swift is that the movie itself is
two hours and 40 fucking

minutes long.

My wife didn't tell me that until we
were in the movie theater, and she

whispered that to me.

And, yeah, I want...

I disassociated at that moment.

Because, you know, when I strapped in,
when I agreed to go, I had very good

intentions. Because when you become a
parent, you know, when you become a dad,

you really want to live up to the way
your kids see you. And more than

I want to be a good dad. I want to be a
good husband, you know. I want to prove

my mistress wrong.

show her that the things she says about
me are not true. People can change. I'm

not a piece of shit.

So... Yeah.

And, you know, my wife is a Taylor Swift
fan.

And, you know, my kids are a Taylor
Swift fan. Like, I'm sure you've heard,

is kind of dark to say during this show,
but it's sad. Sometimes a pregnant

doesn't know that she has... venereal
disease like chlamydia gonorrhea

and she gives birth and she passes the
disease on to the

newborn you see this is what my wife has
done musically to my children

She's infected them, and there's no way
out now. Like, the kids love Taylor

Swift, and they wanted to go see this
movie. So I agreed that I would do that.

Now, before I continue, out of respect
for my wife, I must say that when I told

her the story I was going to tell, she
said, Duncan, you will

not call Taylor Swift a succubus.

So, okay.

I'm not going to call Taylor Swift a
succubus, but I do think she's a

I do.

I do. And I mean that. Like, I actually
think that Taylor Swift was here

before any of us were born.

And she's going to be here long after
we've died. And I...

Now... Look, I understand.

When someone makes the vampiric
accusation, you should be skeptical. But

if you are questioning what I'm saying,
if you don't believe she's a vampire,

then I would invite you to go and stream
the Taylor Swift concert film. You

don't have to make it through the entire
film.

You just have to make it through the
first three minutes. Now, watch. After

Taylor Swift, the girl next door
descends from a sinister obsidian

cube, like a Saturnian cube, an occult
cube, like the kind of

cubes that are no doubt all over Jeffrey
Epstein's island. Just a weird,

unnecessary black cube.

She then...

points to sections of the audience and
they cheer.

Now, I know this isn't remarkable.

This happens at any show.

But this isn't normal cheering.

This is the sort of cheering you might
expect from a mob of cultists

gathered at the base of a dark pyramid
in some

cursed forest where...

At the top, a robed figure was driving a
dagger into a toddler's face.

This is terrifying.

I knew nothing. I didn't know that this
was part of the Taylor Swift fandom. I

didn't know there was some H .P.
Lovecraft, Eldritch, demonic fucking

had no idea.

So I'm watching this, and then I realize
what I'm seeing.

And watch this, because maybe for the
first time in 4K, you can

watch a vampire.

You see her drain their energy. You see
it. She

gets

bigger.

She inflates or something.

You know, at this point, as I'm taking
all this data in, as I'm...

sort of reconsidering everything,
thinking about late -stage capitalism,

thinking about the Kali Yuga, thinking
about the Book of Revelation, thinking

about, oh, my God, it's true. It's all
true. Like, this is the apocalypse that

I'm living inside of.

As I'm taking all that in, I'm also, you
know, for the first time, listening to

a lot of her songs in a row.

And I realized that Taylor Swift doesn't
sing.

a bunch of different songs. Actually,
Taylor Swift sings one very long

song. It's the same song.

And the song goes, worked out,

but it didn't work out. Then it worked
out, but it didn't work out. Worked out,

but it didn't work out.

Worked out, but it didn't work out.

Worked out, but it didn't work out.

Worked out, but it didn't work out.

Champagne, but it didn't work out.

On and on and on and on.

Relentless. And that's when I thought,
Taylor Swift is

not pop music.

Taylor Swift is death metal.

This guy is pop music.

death metal that's what she's doing it
really is the most insidious form of

satanic rock and roll that has ever
existed because she might as well be up

there going i

am

a 15 000 year old

disguises herself as the girl next door
so as not to alienate my female fans

and to make the men in the audience
think they could

fuck

maintain stable relationships.

And when I crush the hearts of my
lovers,

I turn their sorrow into money.

I made it through the whole thing.

It was a quiet car ride home.

And then the next day, in the morning, I
gathered the family together.

And I told them that because of that
movie, I realized that

Satan was far more deceptive than I ever
imagined.

In my mind, Satan was someone who
paraded around in dark robes. You know,

always pictured Satanism as a bunch of
billionaires wearing animal masks,

fucking in some mansion in front of
candles.

But then I saw Satan is, in a very
subtle way, inundated the mainstream.

And I had a Bible out. I read some
verses from the Bible.

Yeah, it was that moment I gave my heart
to Jesus Christ. And I moved the

whole family up to a survival shelter in
Oregon where we're currently living. I

get visited by an angel, a silver angel
that has shown me that in the year 2027,

civilization as we know it will cease to
exist. New York City will be no more.

And the real reason I did this show was
to warn you guys, you should get out of

here fast.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Thank you.

Praise Jesus.

Jesus is my savior.

Tucker Trostle, one more time,
everybody.

Thank you.

Praise Jesus.

He's mocking my religion.

Praise Jesus.

I'm just giving it up. It's a beautiful
dress.

It's not a dress.

Oh, whatever.

Outfit. It's blasphemy.

I love how it's easily belittling.

Please don't do that. Please don't. No,
please don't do that.

All right. Sorry.

2027. If you're going to stay, there's a
lot you should get.

If you're going to stay, you're going to
die.

Why would you have that on?

Do you remember we set a crowd at a
comedy store?

Every set he would do, he would end his
show. This is when we were open micers.

He'd go, thanks, that's it for me. By
the way, there's going to be a major

earthquake this week.

Eventually, you're right.

Once a year it was. And you knew
everyone in that audience was like,

did that guy know?

But that was before I found Jesus. And I
mean this now.

You got to get out of New York. It's
coming. Watch this, guys.

Tucker Struth one more time, everybody.

You guys ready for the next comedian?

Nice, nice.

You know him as half of the We Might Be
Drunk podcast, and to the story, and my

friend from Protect Our Parks, one of
the funniest guys in America, Mr. Mark

Norman!

Hey, hey.

Comedy, huh?

Alright, how about R .E. Krishna?

Huh? Okay.

Sorry, I've been sitting on that for
about six hours.

All right.

Okay. All right.

This is cool. What a room. This is fun.

It's good to be here in New York City.
What a day.

I should preface. I'm from Louisiana
originally.

I'm from, like, Louisiana.

I really New Orleans it up. I got a DUI
when I was 13, which is, that's like our

bar mitzvah over there.

Yeah. It's going to cost a lot of money
from the family, and it'll make a man

out of you.

But, you know, we lived it up. It's a
fun town. It's a drinking town. It's

Vegas with culture. I always say New
Orleans is like a dad who does drugs and

sells drugs but doesn't drive you to
school.

Your friends are like, hey, this is
awesome. I'm like, yeah, but you don't

here. I could use a hug and a vegetable.

But I grew up in the 90s, and so I made
friends with all these kids.

And white people...

in the 90s were pretty wild you know you
remember that remember white boys how

fucking nuts they were like you see
white boys now and they're all like

did a lot of stuff and i have to
acknowledge my privilege and i'm toxic

white boy we didn't know about any of
that so we just did acid and vandalized

shit we drank and drove and like fucked
with old people it was it was a real

heyday for the honky back in the 90s We
had a good time. I'm not saying it was

all good, but you see like Shia LaBeouf
or fucking Mel Gibson have a meltdown,

and we were like, that's crazy. I'm
like, that was like a Tuesday for my

Chris.

Just get drunk and do GHB and go nuts at
a grocery store, and we would just

laugh. Yeah.

Kanye, he's like, oh, he's wearing a
Klan hood and a swastika. I'm like, my

friend did that every Halloween.

That was nothing.

Nothing.

But it was a different time.

The 90s, baby.

So me and my jerk -off buddies, we got
together, and that was 1999.

The millennium.

Y2K.

Remember that?

That was big.

Y2K, that was a scare.

You know, New Year's was coming up.
Everybody thought the world was going to

and all the computers were going to shut
down. It was this ominous, scary,

uncertain time.

So we said, hey, look, we're from New
Orleans.

It's 1999.

We're all going to die tomorrow. Let's
go to Bourbon Street and live it up.

So me and five guys went down to Bourbon
Street, and two of my friends just got

fake IDs.

So they're like, hey, we're going to go
get drunk and buy booze, and it'll be

fun. And me and my other two friends
were like, ah, we're going to look at

tits. That's the New Orleans thing on
the balconies.

Women just flash.

And this is pre -pornhub, so this was
like HD, you know?

We're going to just plant it right here
and look at these cans.

And we're 16.

What the fuck do we know? We've been
beer drinking all night and really pre

-gaming. So my two friends leave. This
is kind of before cell phones. They left

and it wasn't like, hey, where are you
at?

They were just gone. I still haven't
talked to them. I don't know where they

are. No idea what they're doing now.

I'm walking out with my two buddies.
We're pretty sloppy.

I just see this woman on a balcony with
jeans on, no shirt, and a leather

jacket, just open.

And she's just walking around, and she's
an older lady, pretty hot.

And I was like, oh, man, look at that.
Holy shit. So I was just glued to this

woman. My friend's like, come on, let's
go. And I'm like, look at this lady.

She's hot. She's old. She looks like
Jennifer Aniston after a fist fight, I'd

say.

She'd seen a few winters. I'd say 55,
something like that.

But, yeah, I just couldn't stop staring
at her. And she caught me. She caught my

eye. And she was like, what's up with
you? And I was like, oh, nothing. I'm

scared. It's an adult, you know.

And I'm just some retarded kid like, oh,
don't mind me, you old bag, you know.

So she kind of goes, hey, you guys want
to come up? And we were like, oh, my

God, this woman is talking to us. This
is crazy. It was the Ramada Hotel.

I'll never forget.

So we go, yeah, we want to come up. So
we go to the hotel. They're like, well,

you can't come in.

You're children.

We don't know who you are.

And we're like, ah, shit, that's a good
point. So then we went back, and I'm

like, they won't let me up. I'm sorry.

She goes, well, I'm coming down.

So we're like, oh, my god, this lady's
going to come down and talk to us. She's

got tits. This is wild.

So she comes down, and she goes, hey,
you kids want to come up and throw some

beads? And she was being very maternal.
And I was like, oh, this lady doesn't

want to do anything.

jackets open and flapping in the wind.

And I don't know what came over me.

Y2K, the world's going to end. I had a
few Michelobes, and I put my hand on her

shoulder, and I go, I don't want to go
into 2000 and Virgin.

And she goes, well, I won't let you.

So I've already came.

Yes, that was enough for me. I'm rock
hard. I'm freaking out.

Heart's pumping. I'm dry mouth. I'm
going nuts.

So I was like, oh, okay, all right. So
she walks us into the hotel. She goes,

I'm going to get some ice.

You guys go up to room 239. I'll never
forget.

So we're like, oh, my God, okay. So we
get in the elevator. Right when the

close, we're all like, what the fuck is
going on?

Holy shit, we're freaking out.

And we get to room 239. We wait there.
We wait there. Finally, she shows up.

She's got the ice.

She puts the key in the door.

opens it up the door swings open there's
an old man with a white beard a harley

davidson hat and a leather jacket
sitting staring at the door and i was

well we're gonna get fucked then killed
that's it we're done there we go we're

dead here we go but what's the 90s what
else are we doing let's see what happens

with this old piece of shit so he goes
all right all right uh let's see which

one is it and she points to me And he
goes, all right, you two, out on the

balcony. I got a cooler of beer out
there, some liquor. Let's get drunk.

My friends are like, all right, let's do
it.

That's all it took.

So they go out on the balcony.

He closes the two French doors.

The woman goes up, hits the blind.

And now I'm in the room with her, just
me and her. I'm freaking out.

Meanwhile, it's winter. I'm wearing
jeans, a sweater, a button -down, a

She's like, why don't you get more
comfortable? And I was like, all right.

So I took off the jacket.

Yeah.

And she goes, how do you want to do
this?

And I go, well, I'm trying to be cool,
you know. I'm like, well, I'll take a

blowjob first.

And she goes, well, I don't give
blowjobs.

And I remember thinking, you fuck kids
off the street, but you don't give

blowjobs?

That was the first thought I had, and
then I realized, shit, I think I said

out loud.

So that was bad.

She goes, all right, I'm going to go
powder my nose or whatever, whatever

said in the 30s. I don't know.

So she leaves. She's like, I'm going to
get more comfortable. You get

comfortable. And I was like, all right.
I took the jacket off, took my shoes

off, took my pants off. But I got a
sweater on and boxers. She comes out

completely naked.

She looked great. Holy shit, I'm
freaking out. She goes, do you have a

And I go, you're damn right I have a
condom. I'm a goddamn adult male.

Open my wallet. I pull out a piece of
fucking taffy from the Reagan era. I

this thing was yellow and wiggly.

So she's like, Jesus Christ, hang on.
She opens the drawer. She's got lube,

plugs, ticklers, you know, vibrators,
dildos, you name it, whips, whatever.

So she takes out a condom, and she goes,
all right, I'll put it on you. And I

was like, okay.

And I was so nervous, I just put my dick
through the boxers. I couldn't get

naked. I was too scared. I don't know
why. I couldn't pull my pants down.

So my balls and pubes are hidden. I
don't know. It felt better that way.

I'm a child, goddammit.

So I was like, oh, boy, all right. So we
had sex for a while. We really went at

it. And, yeah, I think she really wanted
to get pounded because she's with this

old geezer. And, you know, he probably
can't get it up. But I'm, you know, a

little boy.

So I was good to go, baby.

So we really went at it, and a couple
hours went by, and I remember we

She's laying next to me, and a
commercial came on with a family, and I

thinking about my parents, and what the
hell am I doing? I'm sitting next to

this old geriatric hooker. What the fuck
is wrong with me? She's smoking, and

I'm like...

I just had a wave of shame. It's like,
oh, I've got to get the fuck out of

What have I done?

So I go, oh, I'm going to get out of
here. We've got to go, blah, blah, blah.

And she's like, what? We should do this
again. Let's keep in touch.

And I was like, ah, you know, this is a
one -time thing. She's like, no, let's

keep it here. Here, take my number. And
I was like, all right, I'll take your

number. I don't want you having my house
phone, you know.

So, yeah, I'll take your number. All
right, there you go. Really cool. Nice

lady. Very nice lady.

I don't like Trump there for a second.
Very nice. Nice lady.

So I put my pants on. I'm getting
dressed real quick, and I open the

doors, and my friends just fall in. They
are shithouse. They've been drinking

for hours, doing shots, chugging beers.
So my friends are like, I got sloppy

seconds. I'm like, we're getting the
fuck out of here. I jazzy Jeff his ass

right into the hallway.

We get the hell out of there. We get a
cab, cab home to my friend's mom's

apartment. Phone rings at like 7 a .m.

It's the other guys.

They called the house or the apartment,
and my friend answered.

And the guy goes, you're not going to
believe what happened to us last night.

And I go, give me that fucking phone.

You're not going to believe what
happened to me last night. And they go,

got you beat. I was like, no, no, we got
you beat.

And he goes, we met two college chicks
and fingered them.

And I go, that's nothing. I got raped.

Statutory, baby.

Come on.

I love that story because it's the best
losing your virginity story ever in my

life. Oh, thanks. Yeah, she was a real
catcher's mitt.

She was weathered.

I mean, thank God she's dead.

Oh, yeah.

Definitely, definitely dead.

Gotta be.

If you're out there, lady, don't call
me.

We were talking about it once. We were
on the street.

COVID or something. You were telling me
this. And we were like, oh, a lot of

people think, like, your whole, like,
sexual, like, existence has been formed

this moment.

Maybe it really affected you. And you're
like, hmm.

Well, no one cares about, like, a female
pedophile.

You know? Like, male pedophiles, we got
it down. Like, burning hell. Female

pedophiles, we're like, ah.

Where was that when I was younger? Yeah.

I'd like to say that I do care about
female pedophiles.

All female pedophiles' lives matter.

But don't you feel like every time you
turn on the news, there's some gank in

Tampa, fucking an eighth grader. Yeah.

And we all go, hey, look at that.

It's always Tampa, too. Always Florida.

Always. Florida really runs the thing.
And they never show the kid.

I want to see that kid.

I've seen the kids. It's always like
they have that little early mustache.

And you're like, yeah, they could pass.
They could pass the 22.

All right. All right. Thank you, sir.
Mark Norman, you guys. Thank you very

much.

I left a wallet there.