Original subtitles

Is it going? Yes.

Okay.

Leave a message for Irving's Esplanade.

You fucking mutt. You're fixing the penguin, dude.

I don't give a fuck how old you are. You come to Crazy Fish and I will fuck you

up.

Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville. Welcome to Jackass.

You didn't go.

Irving Zistman was created in 2001 for the Jackass TV series.

It was Spike who introduced us to makeup artist Tony Gardner.

Spike originally contacted me saying, we want to take himself and Knoxville and

turn them into old guys.

I met Tony Gardner because I did Three Kings. We actually knew somebody that

knew what they were doing.

And we got really professional makeup for our very unprofessional production.

We start on the TV show and,

yeah, we would just get old and go to Glendale, basically.

The funny shit, though, it always ended up be like, all right, go play golf.

It's not working. Fall down.

The falling down was what got the reaction.

The makeup has evolved so much. If you look at the

early days, it used to be almost like a mask that they'd put on. It was like a

whole hood piece and then facial pieces.

And it was thick. And the way we put the mask on it.

It didn't really react with your face that well. You look at our first version

of Irving, and then our second version of Irving, and our third version of

Irving, the makeup keeps getting better and better, and it has to be better. I

mean, like, we could not have done this movie with the first incarnation of

Irving, you know?

Now it's all individual little pieces, so each little thing moves. His throat

moves, his cheeks move, his eyebrows, and everything has expressions.

For a show like this, definitely you want something that people...

Face -to -face are going to believe his skin.

What we would do is start with the bald cap and flatten down his eyebrows, put

on the nose, and then work our way into the larger pieces, and then eventually

finish with the paint job and the hair work.

They're real artists.

You know, they're amazing.

I was nose -to -nose with people pranking them, and no one ever

makeup, ever.

And... Steven Prouty and all the guys did such an amazing job, we got

for an Academy Award.

The

golf

course was the first thing we shot for that grandpa.

I was so mad sitting in the makeup chair that morning because I was still in my

I'm pissed about makeup mood.

God, 59 more days of this.

That's what I was thinking that first day.

Got the right idea.

Whoa, my goodness. That's a utility car.

The golf course gave us the best idea.

They said, you know what would really bug people is when they're on the green,

go and move the hole.

Oh, come on. Get out of there.

Who the hell are you anyway?

Oh, man.

Where are you going?

We're putting the hole.

You can't do that.

You can't change a hole right in the middle of your plan, Danny. No, you just

did.

All right.

Got you a brand new one right here, fellas.

Well, we already hit those.

You guys don't play by the rules?

No, we do.

Well, it doesn't look like it. The rules are we got to play from the hole. Fat

bastard. Pardon me?

You changed the fucking hole after we hit. Hey, Sammy Davis, I don't need to

hear anything from you. Hey, you kissed my ass, motherfucker. You kissed my ass.

You don't want none of this.

You want a little of this?

You want a little of this?

No, no, no.

I'm just kidding, guys.

You're kidding my ass.

What'd you say to me?

We got nine groups that got to play the same hole.

Well, that ain't my problem.

Keep it up, motherfucker.

You keep what? What's going to happen? I'll kick your ass. Oh, yeah?

Pick on somebody your own size and your own age. Fuck you. Fuck you. How old are

you? Mature. How old are you? I'm older than your mother.

You kicked my ass.

I'm 86 years young. You want to see 87?

Oh, that's funny. I don't know if I'd open with it, but that's funny.

Irving was definitely being a dick.

He was trying to get punched. I think on the first day he wanted a good

beatdown. You guys I like.

They're pricks.

Who do you like?

Oh, it matters who I like. I have feelings.

Don't deny me my feelings. You're going to be fired anyway, man. Fired, hell.

Hell you're not. Oh, who are you going to tattle to?

Whatever it takes. Oh, yeah?

Tattle tell?

Well, that's right.

Early on in the movie, especially the first trip, Irving hadn't settled into

the... lovable old poonhound that he ended up being. He was kind of the

dour old poonhound in the beginning.

He was a little tonally off.

They shouldn't have got so damn excited. I don't know what the hell. You know,

we're just here to have fun. I know.

Yeah, I'm sorry this has affected you personally.

My wife, she's been sick. She won't give me anal anymore.

Sure. Hey, I've been through a lot of shit in my life. I'm 82 years old.

Oh, God bless you.

Working in construction.

We can't hold this up anymore. They're going to have the food. We're not going

to be there. Let's go.

All right. All right, John, you take care of yourself.

Okay, you too. All right.

Thank you. You're a good man.

I'm going to think about overreacting from now on, so I appreciate it.

Hey, Tubby, lay off of it, huh? I'm talking to John.

Goodbye, John.

Don't mistake my kindness for weakness.

We shot

all

day long, and we had those people on the hook all day long. And I think that's

what got me excited.

Whose clubs are these?

I think they're with your group.

I took one of their carts.

I'm so sorry.

If we can keep 50 people on the hook all day long, then we can do this.

I think it was a great first day.

Really great.

How does it feel bringing Irving back?

Well, at 4 a .m. this morning, not so good. But now I feel much better.

Day one of success.

Day one of success.

How many more days to go?

Only 59 more fucking days.

Hey,

can I borrow a smoke from you, man?

Please.

Oh, thank you.

Why would you put that in your body, huh?

Why would you do that to yourself?

You're a big, strong man. Why would you smoke?

Huh? What are you doing?

Oh,

yeah? You think you do a lot of talk just because I'm old?

I used to box.

I almost got my ass beat by those two guys.

They went inside and thought about me stomping out their cigarette.

and came back out with the cigar like this long and just put it right in my

face, begging that I would take it. You're smoking again?

Now you're smoking cigars. God damn it.

How much money you got in your pocket?

How much money?

I got a lot.

Why? You want to make a bet on something?

I'm looking for that money you broke my cigarette for.

Oh. No, no, no. That was a favor for you.

Huh? You were talking.

You were talking.

Yeah, yeah.

Huh?

I'm always ready.

Well,

I'm a little down on my back right now.

Otherwise, I would.

You hear this guy, man? Huh?

You hear this guy, man? Come on, come on. Did you see that fucking hot chick

you're walking by?

Fuck that chick. What am I fucking with a cigarette, buddy? What are you talking

about? I'm talking about chicks. You're talking about cigarettes.

We got a whole different way of looking at things.

I bet you won't knock that. I bet you won't knock that cigar out of his hand.

See, he's trying to start fights.

Yes,

yes, you are.

Which I like. I like that.

You're a shit starter. You're a shit starter. I like that.

I was doing, he's a handsome man. Why would he smoke?

And I wanted to do him a favor.

Jeez Louise.

Now I'm the bad guy.

Sitters was a form of Mark that we would.

used pretty frequently because it would just be like, if we wanted someone to be

sort of a captive audience,

you know, I could find somebody where it's like, hey, my grandpa just sits at

this fountain. I know he's so lonely.

Could I have you just like go up and act like you weren't hired by me to go just

talk with him and just sit and talk with him for like an hour or something?

Well, hello, good looking.

How you doing?

I'm doing good.

I lucked out getting the only drive bench in the park, it seems.

If we hired a babysitter to babysit Irving, I could talk to that person as

as I want and say whatever I wanted. Because they had to be there. They were

paid. I'm no different than any other man.

Two arms, two legs, and 14 -inch balls.

Right, right, right.

Throaty smell.

Deeper. I'd like to hog -wrench that patooly.

I should be eating at the nappy kitchen every night. I mean, you're exactly

right. But the problem with the babysitters was you kind of got this

stilted... These people felt unnaturally staying there. They weren't giving...

big enough reactions, because they were sort of unnaturally there. I was the

Robin Hood of Poontang.

Friar fuck.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

But we did do some funny things with the babysitters.

We thought, while I'm getting out story points about the movie with this

babysitter, how about if we have Charlie run by... Charlie's our

stunt coordinator.

And he's...

playing an actor. She doesn't know him. I do.

And I challenge him to a foot race.

And in the midst of the foot race, I trip him and steal his wallet. And she

to help me conceal that I'd stolen the wallet from him and anybody else.

You shouldn't have tripped him. Look at this.

I got his wallet.

I got his wallet.

Yeah.

Yes, I got it.

Yeah. You have to give it back to him.

We need money for the road.

You gotta give that back to him. Oh, if he's here, it'd be cool.

So, uh... You guys didn't see a wallet, did you?

Nope.

How can you do that? How can you have that on your conscience?

It's not on my conscience.

You know?

Look. Do you know how valuable that is?

It's just 90 bucks.

How did you do that?

See, now you're making me feel guilty. You should.

You should feel guilty.

I'll give... Let me look.

Hey!

We found it over there in the bush.

Where?

It was right over there in that bush.

There you go, buddy.

Have a good day, son.

Way to cover.

Way to cover. I'm upset.

Come on. Don't leave me hanging.

Look, look, look. We still got the money.

Oh, you're a good girl.

Oh.

Just be cool.

Where's the money?

Huh? No.

I don't have the money.

Who has the money?

She's got it. She took it.

No, I don't have it. It's right there.

I don't have the money.

Where's it at? There it is.

He, you know what, he put your money in there. Oh, really?

He did.

You know, I should call the cops on you guys. This is what I should do.

Would you let her, just, she, she barely has ever done this, so.

I'll tell you what, you should be ashamed of yourself.

I didn't do it. She did it.

I don't care who did it, both of you. I did not.

Keep walking, bird legs.

This isn't good.

I think I better start walking. You seem like a nice guy.

Oh, shit.

What? All right, we should split up.

What? Because there's a cop.

You see the cop?

Yeah. Remember, you didn't see nothing.

Oh, shit.

Hi, idiot.

Hi, asshole.

Hi, idiot.

Hi, idiot.

Don't call Grandpa an idiot. Hi,

idiot.

Might get this for Gloria.

Hmm.

About her size.

You should get one of these for Mrs. Claus.

And what is that?

Maybe Donner and Blitzen, too.

Okay. I bet they would ruin it.

Hey, Billy, you want to see Santa?

Yeah.

Hey, Billy, before you go over, ask Santa for something for Grandpa.

Okay,

we'll wait until you use the restroom until after we do it, all right?

What's that?

Oh, just ask him.

Hi, Billy.

Hi, Santa Claus. How old are you, buddy?

Good. How old are you?

Eight. Are you eight years old now? Gosh, you're getting so tall.

He's a big boy. Yeah.

Look right up there, Billy, and take your hands out and say, Cheeseburger!

Cheeseburger!

Aw.

Now, what do you want for Christmas, Billy?

I want a fishing rod, tackle, and bait.

Okay. My mom to get out of jail.

Okay.

And a rusty trombone for my grandpa.

A rusty trombone for your grandpa, huh?

Yep. Oh, I'm cold.

You are?

How can you be cold?

Do you think I'm giving you the shivers?

Santa gives a lot of kids the shivers because I come from the North Pole.

Hope that's all he gives them.

But anyway, Billy, do you know what snowmen eat for breakfast?

What? Frosted plates.

Hoo -ha!

You know why Santa Claus doesn't have any children?

He only comes once a year and it's down a chimney.

Hoo -ha!

All right, you be a good boy, okay?

Uh, Grandpa, I think I pissed myself.

You did?

Oh, you didn't think you did. You really peed.

Uh -oh. Oh, sorry, Santa. That's okay, buddy.

Sorry. You be good, okay? Jesus.

Sorry about the pee -pee. That's okay, buddy.

Oh, no. No harm done. What'd you do?

Okay, we're gonna have to take a break.

Can you help me? I'm so sorry.

Is there some staff around?

Yeah, we just went to get help.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry. It's okay. If you stand in there, he's going to get help.

Okay. Thank you.

Can you help me?

They're going to get their stuff out. You're a good boy.

You're fine.

When you're doing pranks, every now and then you'll come across someone who's

absolute gold, and that was the penguin guy.

You ran over the penguin. I brought a penguin in my spot.

You ran over the penguin. What are you talking about?

Well, you don't have to yell at me. We cut the bit to two and a half minutes,

but it could have easily been 15 minutes.

He just kept generating footage.

You're fixing this fucking penguin, dude.

Nah. What happened to it?

He put it right in my spot. What are you, your spot? You ran it over. You

have to yell.

You ran the fucking penguin over, you fucking... You're still yelling.

Jesus Christ.

Did you work at this restaurant?

Don't worry about where I work at, dude. You know you work at Fish City across

town, you said. Crazy Fish.

Crazy Fish.

Get that right, Crazy Fish. Crazy Fish. With a K.

With a K? If you did that to my fucking place, I'd whip your goddamn ass. Sounds

exotic. So George didn't even work at that restaurant. He worked at somewhere

across town, which he kept... kind of half -promoting while he was yelling at

me. Bro, come up to my fucking restaurant right now, Crazy Fish. You

there. Crazy Fish with a K?

Yeah, right up the street over here, man. I'll meet you over there and I'll

your fucking ass in the back, dude.

What's your best item on your menu?

Don't worry about it. It's called Whip Ass.

Whip Ass?

Yeah.

Is that an entree or a side?

It's gonna be fucking both.

At good prices? I like value.

You're going to fix this fucking penguin, dude.

He ain't leaving, dude, until he fixes this fucking penguin, dude. I'm sorry.

He's hyper -focused on the penguin. I ain't fucking, listen, old man. You

shouldn't be driving to begin with.

If Irving was driving and hit something, the lawyers wouldn't allow Billy to be

in there. So we had a dummy in his place.

And at one point, George finds it. I'm taking this guy on the call.

I don't know what he's thinking at that point. It had to look like this weird

little sex toy or something for this dirty grandpa.

There you go.

That's your fucking partner in crime.

That's your leverage?

All right, you fucking mutt. You're fixing the penguin, dude.

You're fixing that penguin, dude.

Fix the fucking thing, dude.

Fix it.

Fix it.

Dude, you and I are going to go to town, bro. And in his defense.

You know, I yelled at him early on, and it got him emotional, and then he became

irrational, and when people become irrational, everything is real to them,

know?

They're completely on the hook. All over this stupid penguin.

Dude, fuck, leave the penguin alone, bro.

Anybody know this fucking guy?

Anybody know this fucking guy?

He's on my nerves two, three times already.

Go fuck yourself.

Motherfucker.

There you go.

You kind of throw like a girl.

I'm gonna fucking throw you in a second.

Atomic elbow.

Atomic elbow.

I did a little wrestling myself in my younger days.

What?

Atomic elbow?

Oh, come on.

Ooh, I took it.

Oh, do me again. Do me again. Get me again.

With eye contact. With eye contact. Get me again.

Come on.

With eye contact. Get me again.

Oh, come on.

He was really on the hook, and that's about as fun as it gets for me. And he

also had a nice sense of humor about it when it was over.

How come you didn't take a swing?

Because he's a fucking old man, dude. I was fucking waiting for the cops or

something. I was going to fuck him up, dude.

I can't believe that. What am I going to decide, man?

So we first shot Irving's balls on jacket number two, and Johnny Knoxville

having those prosthetic balls on. So as we were writing ideas, we knew we were

going to bring back the balls.

You have the balls readily available?

But Knoxville specifically wanted two

sets made. He wanted the more believable, which I think are the 12

balls.

But then he thought it would be hilarious to shoot a bit where his balls

actually tucked into his black socks that are pulled up real high. So he had

make an 18 -inch dangling set of balls.

So we thought it would be funny to prank a bunch of delivery guys.

How are you, son?

How are you doing, sir? Good, good.

What do we got?

This one? All right.

Thank you.

This one? Yes, sir.

It's never as simple as it appears.

I answer the door, my boxers, my balls are tucked in the sock. You'd think they

would see it, but sometimes they don't see it, and so we have to figure out a

way to get their eyes down there.

Oh, oh, Jesus.

That was just the plate.

Oh, okay.

I'm sorry, can you get that for me, son? I can't really... No problem.

$73 .97, sir.

Oh, God.

All right.

There you go, son. Thank you so much.

Keep the change. I appreciate it. Thank you very much. Thank you. Have a good

night, sir. You too.

I didn't tip him for shit.

Did he see? Did he look?

It was one of those days where we'd never done a prank before, and we

it like shit.

We called the same delivery place over and over, having them send drivers over.

Yeah. All right.

Of course, word's going to get out amongst the drivers.

Hi, how are you?

Yes, sir. Good to meet you.

We're still not that good at what we do.

So we were going to film this very simple matching shot of me making a U

It was the decision.

for me to go back and get Billy at the bar.

Okay, yeah, I'll put it in the floor.

We had filmed the exterior of the U -turn.

Now we were filming the interior of the U -turn.

And all I needed to know, Sean, was, is the window up or the window down?

You're filming this window has to be up, okay?

Okay. Thanks, bud.

And the best thing is...

I'm going to go shoot a scene where I have to kind of get a little worked up.

It's an emotional scene. The director, Jeff Tremaine, comes up to me right

before we shoot and goes, Hey, can I stay back and color this sign while you

go shoot this?

I'm like, yeah, of course, Spielberg. You stay back and color. I'm going to go

shoot a dramatic scene. No sweat.

Joe, can you tell me to roll my window up right before we shoot? It's too hot

here to keep it.

Up for now.

Copy that.

Remember, the only time that has to be down is when he actually pulls the

U -turn.

I was so confused.

What the hell was going on?

You know I wasn't there for that. That's not my fault. That was Tripp and Joe.

Did he really blame me for that? He blamed me for the window up, window

Uh...

Tripp, you said the only time the window has to be down is when I make the U

-turn?

You make the U -turn is when you make the U -turn. Other than that, it's up.

PJ, the whole time it's up for continuity. The only time after you come

the montage the window is down is when you pull the actual U -turn to go back

the bar.

I just went through all the frame grabs and that's how it is.

So I make the U -turn and then roll my window down?

I am not following.

Look, do I have to touch my window the whole time?

You should not.

The window is down for your comfort right now.

Your driver's side window is up.

Don't even touch it until we get to the U -turn, and then Joe will come out and

open your window.

I've showed that to people, and they just can't believe it happened.

I'm like... It happens.

Continuity's sake, the only time your window is down is when you actually pull

the U -turn in the cut.

All right, so let's bring your window up so it's up now and we'll start rolling.

But the longer it went on, I thought, you know what? Maybe everyone's fucking

crazy.

We work some days at a really high level.

And then other days, it's like we've never seen a camera before in our life.

Good job, Rick. That made all the difference.

To make it less daunting, it was easier just to wrap your head around right

funny scenarios for Irving. That's what we always did for the Jackass movies.

Rick.

What? Put tap dance shoes on and tap dance.

It's like... Stay still.

Can you sit up, please?

Can you adjust the cameras?

Jesus Christ.

Can you hear it? Shut the fuck up.

Look at all the shit you've got.

Rick, you're doing great, kid.

You're doing great. Don't change a thing.

He's got two sets of keys, and he's fucking... All right, all right. Camera

hides.

Oh, my God.

It's almost like they made these boxes for it.

What are you doing in here?

Making camera high.

On our first trip, we didn't have it figured out at all.

I thought we had, but no.

It's a prototype, but, you know, it's a starting point.

I remember walking on the set in, was it Columbus?

We were at a cafe, and we had, like, a camera.

I mean, it wasn't much different than a camera.

Like, bag like this with a hole right there and the guy just sitting there

holding it.

And I was so fucking pissed.

The family sees, uh, saw that camera with the girl in the bag.

This might be a bust before it even begins.

You see him looking at the camera guy and walking away?

After the first trip, we rallied and...

All the things that were wrong as a production, we all talked and we fixed

for our next trip out to Cleveland, I think it was. So our camera hides and

were much better.

What camera?

Those are baby carriage.

If I couldn't be trusted with a real baby, got me ladies in bed.

We had birdhouse hides.

We had a shopping cart. We had two shopping carts.

There was a helmet that we shot through.

It's a video camera.

It's like an old photo camera.

It's a video camera.

You never know where the best reactions are going to be. You really want many

cameras. Kind of making a circle around the whole location.

I had a button that came on.

We had a port -a -potty.

And sometimes people would come up and try to use it, so the camera gets

because someone's trying to get in there to boop. We had a funny trash can hide.

The most comfortable hide I've been in yet, actually.

Oh, yeah, and then the soda machine.

It looked like a soda machine, and there's a cameraman shooting through it.

That's actually one of the stars of the movie.

Push,

push, push, push!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, yeah, I felt sorry for the cameraman.

I really did.

I have a bad problem with claustrophobia, so I was really feeling

They're just stuck there behind their camera shooting for, I mean, sometimes

was six, seven hours.

I mean, they had to have a little pee bottle with them in there.

We never gave them a poo bottle, but I don't think anyone ever pooped. Should I

take a shit before or after I go in there?

Look at the little bucket.

I'll use the bucket.

That's what it's there for. There's a bucket. There is really a bucket, just

case. But if someone has to use that, you're screwed.

Most of the time on the street, we'd shoot out of vehicles with the bigger

cameras. Here's one of our shooting vehicles.

I would never let Cossack go out because I think Cossack's too recognizable. So

he was always stuck in the van with me shooting out of a tinted window. So I've

always got Cossack farting in the backseat of where I am.

Excuse me?

You farted all the time.

I'm telling the story here, Rick, not you.

Your story is not legit.

You farted a lot.

Bullshit! You farted as much as me.

Seamus, explain to me what's going on here.

It's for the wireless microphone.

You have better reception.

You can be far away.

Not only do we have to hide our cameras, but we have to hide our mics.

So Seamus would...

Wrap his little mics in, you know, trash or like a coffee cup and just place it

where the action would be.

And we constantly have to stop people from like picking up our equipment.

Well, this is where my wife wanted to be buried.

Buried? Buried.

Kept Amos busy for a while.

I'm a recent widower.

If you weren't married, I think we'd have a pretty good shot.

We had all the cameras fed to one place, and that was the control van, where we

had the director, myself, Tripp, just watching everything.

We could see exactly what's going on from every camera and make adjustments

we went along.

This is how I talk to Irving.

This is how I talk to Billy.

And I get confused all the time, and I tell them the wrong thing.

Where'd Billy go?

Yes, but I wasn't talking to you. I was, like, acting like I was looking for

Billy.

As Irving kept striking out through the movie, we thought it'd be funny to hire

these, there's these love guru guys, these pickup artists, you know, that you

can hire these guys that will give you gain, you know. We thought these guys

have to be great characters.

What do you do exactly?

First of all, I like to work with people. I like to get you to the point

you feel comfortable talking to women again.

And then I also work on things like your fashion.

My fashion? Like what kind of stuff? You might want to soften it up a bit. Right

now, you look good, but you're a little outdated.

Yeah? Yeah, a little bit. Yeah?

A little bit. We wanted this guy to just be this misogynistic, womanizing...

Prick basically, but what we got was this very very sweet Genuine guy like

must have kicked Wilt Chamberlain in the ass sleeping like with a number of

women You're not numb no no no yeah, I always thought it's disrespectful to

count

Let me hear. Let me hear.

You really want it out? Yeah.

Seven. Oh!

Oh! Oh, my God.

Seven. Seven at once.

Seven at once.

He slept with seven women at once.

That's what he just said. He slept with seven women at once.

That's true.

That is true!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I don't know if I can do this.

Hi, Bridget.

My name's Irving.

You're very beautiful.

This is my friend Cedric. He banged seven women in one night. Tonight?

No, not tonight.

But this man has set a record.

All right.

Cheers. Oh, cheers, cheers, cheers, cheers, cheers.

Cheers, fellas.

All right.

Here's to seven women in one night.

Go, Cedric.

Woo -hoo.

If Irving starts drinking, he gets excited.

I need another shot of tequila.

Yes, I do.

But it's good when Irving drinks because sometimes, you know, I get a little

more loose.

I will throw myself on the grenade. Which one's the grenade?

I will take one for the team. Just show me.

But sometimes when I drink, it's not so good.

All right, Cedric, let's cut the shit. I'm hitting a massage parlor.

You're a masseuse?

Are you?

Are you?

Oh, you like a massage?

Whip over.

Come on. Come on.

You're a masseuse?

Thank you, Jesus.

And the longer the bit takes, the drunker your star is going to be.

And that's just the truth.

I'm drunk as fuck.

Thank you, Cedric. You're a good man. What a sweet man. Seven women in one

night! Seven women!

My hero, Cedric!

This is Johnny Knoxville, and we are shooting a movie.

We shoot this whole strip club thing, and the stripper guys were so cool. They

were so funny and just had great spirit. I was hoping one of you guys was going

to knock me out tonight.

He's the boxer. He's the boxer.

I'm 0 -83 lifetime in fight, so I've been 0 -84 after tonight.

So after we pranked the strippers, we thought it would be funny if they chased

Irving through the street, you know, in their... Various states of undress

trying to freak people out

I'm sorry.

This is Baptist.

What's your name again?

I'm your husband, Irving Z. Smith.

You're my wife. I love you.

Spike knew Catherine Keener from way back. He just basically pulled favors.

Keener's amazing at improvisation. She's obviously an amazing actor. And so we

kind of... wrangled her into it like i don't think she's ever shot with like

way we shoot is chaos there's no like she's like okay what's the scene about

what are what what's the direction director well i didn't want to talk to

about my character before we started but i loved you okay i mean all i knew is

that i was ultimately going to be the corpse i had no idea where the cameras

were i had nothing you mean you really walk into it completely

without any perspective on what's real and what isn't when you're doing it. We

had the idea that after Ellie died, the movie would end on her body being thrown

off a bridge.

Well, we'd need to motivate that. We'd need to show where did that idea even

come from. Or it just looks like you're ditching a corpse at the end. So we

figured we'd shoot a prank with a funeral planner where the idea of

Ellie's body off a bridge first popped up.

I really think you...

Should consider burial instead of cremation. I'm not interested in this.

we have to make plans. I'm not interested in this. I don't want

I don't want to be buried. I don't want to be cremated. I don't want to make a

plan. I want him to take me. I want him to throw me off a bridge. Do whatever

you want. Of course he cannot be thrown off a bridge.

No. That's what I want.

But even if you go over the bridge, something needs to happen to your body,

right? Look, I have this beautiful crib.

He blames me for his unhappiness.

He blames me.

He blames me. We haven't had sex in 12 years, so... That's not a lot.

I can see that you've been married for a long time.

What is that?

Stop it. God.

I'm sorry.

That's not funny.

It's not funny.

Oh, please kill me.

You know, he can't wait for me to die because he wants to have sex with people

like you.

I'm not kidding you.

I'm not kidding. That's the truth.

If I die, please don't take his calls.

You're not going to take my calls.

You want some gefilte fish?

No, I don't think I know what that is. Oh, it's so good.

I just want you to know that we have wonderful payment plans.

Is this another price list?

No, actually, each burial is... Oh, I'm... You okay?

What is it?

What are you... Okay.

Honey?

Tony, that's cat food.

Look at that. Look at it.

With chicken and gravy.

Here,

have some water.

If you go...

After she does, if she does pass on before me, is it cool if I do call you

afterwards? Yeah, of course you can call me. I'm going to give you my card.

Sweet.

Almost every scene we shot, we shot multiple times with multiple different

people. You know it's going to take a half hour each time or an hour each

and you just stack the day up because you never know what you're going to get.

A funny thing happened with the last lady we saw. She came in, and she was

teacher. We were the pupils, and she just took control of the situation.

Maybe they would give me half off since she already embalmed me from the waist

down. Irving, here's what I want to say to you, and I want to say it as a

person, not as a professional.

Yes, ma 'am. If you refer anymore to your sexual deprivation, then I'm going

have to leave because that's not why I'm here. Okay, I understand.

Thank you.

And it's funny how her energy just kind of made us behave.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

And I apologize.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

After we revealed the prank to her, she was such a good sport about it.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. You're a bad man. I'm sorry.

Here's the deal. Isn't he terrible? Let me just tell you something about you.

The deal with you is that you really sold it. It's not that you didn't sell

No, I know. I was terrified. What?

An F.

You're not too far from the truth, actually.

A couple weeks later, the lady sends an email to our field producer, Jared, and

it was the funniest email recounting how she perceived that whole prank.

Driving back on the 405, happy to live in a town where the ordinary can become

the extraordinary in an instant, where normal life can be interrupted by

surprise, and where for a moment, if we're paying attention...

We can be lifted out of the repetition of the routine into a creative act that

could be hidden in every moment.

She really put a happy face on that prank.

We

are

making an erection device.

Kostic, can you take it up low?

Ooh, there's Kostic in his gym shorts.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Look at him. He's working out.

Oh, he put a robe on.

When you're not in short range, the default position for the device is with

the erection straight out. As soon as we got outside the building, out of the

range... I just had the biggest erection.

And there was nothing to cover it with. And it was sticking really far out.

One of Hollywood's greatest actresses, Catherine Keener, is helping me conceal

this erection the whole time around the building.

I'm sorry, Catherine.

Okay, who's the last person who cut the card?

I'm too old to cut the cars, but I can still flop the queen if you know what

saying. Okay.

I'm sorry, ma 'am. It's my wife and my 50th anniversary. I'm feeling a little

frisky tonight. Happy anniversary, baby.

She got me a compass, which is really sweet. I don't know how to open the

goddamn thing. There we go. Is there some reason she gave you a compass? So I

can find the bottom of her vagina.

Stop it, goddammit.

Okay. You also need some longitudinal and latitudinal coordinates, I think, to

help. Or maybe some, like, mossy trees.

She's got a mossy tree.

But, I mean, your wife's Japanese, so you get that. Yeah.

He said his wife's Japanese. She's got a hairy winter.

Well, baby, can I tell you in a second, baby?

What'd you get me? What'd you get me?

Baby, let's play this play. Okay, what'd you get me? What'd you get me? Baby,

let's play.

Okay, four is tough. I can't tell you what I got.

Okay.

Yes,

you can.

Good,

good, good, good, good. That's going to be very good for you.

Yeah, good luck.

Give me your hand.

Okay, okay.

This is my baby girl right here.

I'll leave you, I'll leave you. What are you doing?

It ate my heart.

Yeah, yeah, that's great. That's wonderful.

She got me a golden compass.

I took two Viagra tonight.

That's your gift, baby.

She got me a compass. I got her a teepee. Oh, my God.

Stop it.

Stop it.

I don't think it's that funny. Baby.

Baby, come here.

Baby.

You guys are fucking crazy.

Oh, my God. With that couple, you couldn't have gotten better marks.

They were so sweet. Please stop.

Somebody told us to stop.

We're telling everyone right now.

Do we have to go back out? No, no.

This job, I fucking hate you.

This is Handsome Jack Harts, Rob.

He's going to be our corpse for the day. This is our hearse. We're going to ride

around in cars.

This is the second funeral that you've done with us on the TV show.

On the TV show, Jack was playing her part in falling out of the back of the

hearse. Wait, wait. How do we know this thing's not going to flip over, though?

No.

We have no idea.

We have no idea. We don't know it's not going to flip over. If it flips over,

try to come out as dead as possible.

Because if you break your fall, it's not going to look very good for a dead guy

to break his fall.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Your face was all whitish green.

It was white because Blake goes, oh, I'm a makeup artist, and he just took baby

powder and slammed it in my face.

He's a makeup artist.

What is he doing?

How's the bike spread?

Is that it?

Cutting through that baby powder, that's for sure.

Insufficient funds might cook us.

I am very sorry about all of this.

But you have institution funds. What else can we do?

I'll tell you what you can do. You can kiss my tucket.

I don't want you to bury her anyway.

Mr. Zisman.

Get out of my sight.

Get it.

Can you believe that, Yahoo?

How are we going to do this?

Push her close.

Watch out. Watch out.

Oh, God.

Oh,

God.

Get in the car.

Are we shooting here today?

We have.

Smelly Ellie. Smelly Ellie.

We're going to get someone to try to help bury her in the backyard.

We thought it'd be funny to hire a guy to come over and dig a hole in the

backyard, thinking it's for a tree or something, and then spring it on them

that, no, actually, this is for my wife, and would you carry the body out from

the house and drop it in the hole and bury her?

I had a terrible time at the funeral home trying to bury my wife.

I was wondering if I could...

pay you a little money to help me bury her in her favorite spot.

I can't do that, no.

I can give you an extra $60.

I don't think that's legal, and I don't want to be getting into trouble.

We tried this in Columbus, and people wanted nothing to do with it.

No, we can't do that.

Can you help me just carry her outside to bury her?

No, I can't.

Please help.

Please help an old man.

So basically, we did not get the bit in Ohio, so we moved it to North Carolina

because that's where our next location to shoot was.

This is the second time trying to get someone to help me bury the body.

And I'm feeling kind of confident today that it's going to happen.

I think the vibe I was putting out last time wasn't one

of... positivity today and would be a little more positive in trying to get

to help me do it.

I was telling you my wife passed away a couple days ago and she

requested a home burial and we are going to put her

in that hole and put a dogwood tree on top of her and I was wondering if you

could

Help me carry her out there and put her in the hole, please.

Okay.

We just... Okay.

Here we go.

You know, just throw her in there, huh? Yeah, yeah. Well, I... Let me... Okay.

All right. One. Leave her go. Leave her go? All right. Bye. Oh, my goodness.

Oh. How much do I owe you?

225. I don't really, uh...

know about the legality of all this. So, uh, 325?

Yeah. All right.

I'll give you an extra hundred.

That day I had two different people help me

bury a body in the backyard.

Uh, let's see.

We'll just, I mean, we're just going to drop her in, all right?

Okay, one, two, three. Oh, shit.

Jeff just completely discounted someone was going to put it in the ground.

Lord, please take my Ellie girl into the palace

of Elysium.

She's a good girl.

Makes it kind of sugar -coating that little.

She was always earplugs, son.

She was always kind of a bitch, Lord.

Wouldn't give me...

any poo in the last 10 years of our marriage, and not even OTPHJ.

That's an over -the -pants handjob.

And then we got rid of that whole idea altogether and decided to take the body

on the road.

I think it went amazing. We had three different sets of people help me dispose

of a body.

Two into a shallow grave dug in the backyard, and one just... Help me put

the trunk.

So Gloria should be coming in town next week, right?

Yeah, there's your tits and vagina hanging in that closet over there.

Ew. Look at that beat -up old pussy.

Well, Gloria is someone that we've shot with before. It's really just Spike

dressed as an old lady doing crazy stuff. That was, you know, what we shot

Jackass No. 2. That's where Gloria was born.

I'm Irving. And I'm Gloria.

And we're a dirty old couple.

In the second one, I was Gloria. I was this old lady, and she was very, very

forward. Probably pretty promiscuous and maybe even a slut.

Gloria,

since last we met her, I think she's evolved a lot.

Gloria can be very up to earth and up and at one with herself and nature and

universe. And she can share her pussy with everyone.

Steve, can I get some hand sanitizer, please? Well, here's our new dispenser.

I'll take a little of that.

Oh, yeah.

Do I look prettier than I ever have before? Yeah, you do.

That was all I wanted. I just asked them to make me look pretty this time

because I was so gorgeous.

I still look really pretty, right? You have great skin.

You do as well.

Gloria, it's tricky because, okay, the nice way to put it is I have very strong

features. I have a big nose. Spike has very strong features.

To make strong features feminine is a really rough battle because the makeup

an additive process.

Gloria was always the tough one to crack.

Gloria, you ready for the day?

I don't know.

I mean, yeah, of course. My whole reason for bringing Gloria back in this movie

was to shoot a sex scene with Irving and Gloria. That's all I wanted to do. I

wanted those two to...

to be full body makeup and have to do a sex scene because neither of them wanted

to do that they hated that idea and he kept coming back to he's like you got

what if you guys we go to san diego and you guys have sex in front of a ship

like things that didn't make sense so gloria in the story for bad grandpa

was we thought she was going to be the old high school sweetheart that Got away

from him. We decided we'll just meet her in a restaurant, but we'll already have

a date there with her that we were going to get off Craigslist.

Oh, yeah, man, your email responses were just off all night long. Like, oh, I

got, like, 50 responses.

50, I got 50 dates. Yeah, yeah.

It's all these guys are answering this ad. Some of them are legitimate, like,

you know, older guys themselves, but some of them were just creepy.

There was a guy that would only come if he was promised mutual masturbation.

And we said yes.

I had a lot of, you know, a lot of firsts that week in North Carolina where

found myself like...

Like getting like the man who wanted to give me like nude massages And

another

man that Wanted me to talk like to dominate him

and Ricky and so naughty.

Oh, you just shut up. You do not talk about your feelings because I don't give

fuck about your feelings.

No, you don't say it. Or you say, yes, ma 'am.

Or I'll smack the fuck out of you.

And then Spike felt weird because he thought the guy may have been taking

of himself while he was talking to them.

Are you touching yourself?

You don't like being... You just think about that for 25 seconds,

okay? You're a bad boy. You're going to the corner.

He's never going to be on camera. He won't even go in the restaurant.

I mean, I had mixed feelings about this situation.

But, you know, we got to make a movie, right?

Bottom line is, it's so poorly thought out because... Well, who the hell is

going to sign a release form?

After the fact like like they're gonna come out looking like oh my god. I was

just out there trying to Hook up with an 85 year old freak show

You're coming on to me, and I thought you

were kind of coming on tour I was not It seemed that way when I came in

shouldn't seem that way yeah

That part when you told me about how good my Kundalini was.

Why are you talking about her Kundalini?

You showed him your Kundalini?

No, but I think he could imagine.

I met a man named... We're going to have to beat that, though, because he wanted

to fuck me and me.

I mean, oops.

I don't know.

A lot of them wouldn't sign the releases, let's put it that way.

Nice to meet you.

Where are you going?

I got here early, and I got another appointment to go to. I tried to call

And do you have the five minutes?

No, I need to go to work.

Oh, that's okay.

I'll just get some coffee. Okay.

Okay. Thanks.

One other thing.

Do you think we could meet later on tonight?

No.

Maybe a little booty call around midnight?

No.

Okay. Thank you. Have a good night.

I got stood up.

A lot of more funny ones wouldn't sign releases.

Like one guy showed up and he wanted to eat. He wasn't very nice to me. He just

wanted to eat and fuck, basically.

And, you know, I wanted a little conversation.

He showed up and he was just angry.

You know, he just sat down angry. Of course he was angry.

Yeah, you know what? I'm, uh, let, let... Whoa!

Whoa!

Jesus! You didn't have to go and slam me to the ground.

But the nice thing is, like, I did feel vulnerable, but I felt like, you know,

you guys had my back, basically. You weren't gonna let me get raped.

Except Jeff. Jeff would've let me get raped.

No, I gotta go.

What's this?

I'm talking to too many weirdos.

The first day got a little bit dark, so we retilled the ad, made it a little bit

softer, and the next day we met Javier, who was just a guy in a new town and

just looking to meet new people.

And that poor guy stayed and was nice enough to sign a release at the end.

Javier?

Hi.

How are you? Gloria, it's so nice to meet you. You too.

How was your drive?

It was fine.

Good, good. The traffic died down?

Yeah, it's nice and light. Good,

good. Well,

let me see your energy.

Now breathe into your chest with me.

Oh, good. Okay, now breathe into your stomach.

Oh, good, good. That's nice. Now breathe into your Johnson with me.

Okay, that's interesting.

I've never been asked to do that third one before.

Yeah, it helps with your energy.

Oh, Irving. Hey, Gloria.

What are you doing here tonight? Hi, Gloria. Nice to meet you. I'm Billy.

Oh, Billy. Nice to meet you. He's my grandson.

This is my new friend, Javier.

Javier. Hey, man. Como estas?

How are you doing? Good, good. How are you?

Hey, let me in, Javier.

Oh, no.

I apologize.

Where's the waitress? I need a coffee.

You need a coffee?

You look really stoned.

Maybe.

Ma 'am, can I get some cream?

Certainly. Can I get some cream?

I'm sorry. There's some cream right here. No, no, no, no. You don't want

cream. You don't want this cream. This is a... That has a lot of chemicals in

it.

I want you to have my milk.

Okay. Oh, dear Lord.

I have a gift.

The Lord has given me this gift since I was a young woman.

It's amazing. I've never had children, but I feel like to to this day, and I

don't know how and why.

Here, try this. Did that just happen?

Good. It has a lot of protein.

It doesn't smell bad, right?

No, it's okay.

Let me tell you something. Here, scoot over.

I just need to sit closer to Javier. Scoot over, Julio.

Can I get a little more cream?

Oh, sure.

But not in my coffee.

Javier likes it when I show him my mother's milk.

Back here?

Oh, sure.

Javier, do you want some?

No, it's okay. You want some? I'm okay. Does that turn you on when I do that?

Look at me in the eye.

Make eye contact.

No. I like that.

Oh, he's making eye contact with me, or me?

Okay,

can I go to the restroom, please?

Thank you.

Talk about a cock block.

Javier, I apologize.

No, I think he's going to run for the border.

He jumped out the bathroom window and ran away.

Luckily, Gooch caught him.

And then he signed.

Did he take off out the back door or something?

I mean, he did.

Yeah, he's out of here.

He's gone.

Spike and I have a ball when we shoot.

But he also enjoys pushing my buttons a little when we shoot.

Oh, boy.

She's a feisty one today.

Oh, boy.

That was tongue in my ear. Look at me. Don't look at her.

You're getting a little feisty, baby.

Look at my eyes.

You're so pretty.

Oh, boy.

I had to make out with Spike. That was terrible.

He really lingers when you're kissing.

He's not like a get it over and, you know, he lingers after he kisses.

Terrible. As soon as I realized that Knoxville was getting uncomfortable and

try and kiss him, then I, of course, couldn't stop. I was like, every chance

could, I'd try and make out with him.

You ever, like...

Why are you so nervous?

Why are you so nervous?

Let me see what you got down there.

What's wrong, PJ?

PJ, you dropped character.

Come here, son.

No,

no, God.

Please stop. Please stop.

Come on, come on.

Come on, you're getting me all hot -bothered. You can't just turn me on

that and make me go home empty -handed.

Okay, I'm done.

Hi,

sir. Can you help me get these beers to my car? I'm so sorry.

Not a problem. How are you doing today?

I'm doing good. How about you?

Well,

I've been better.

You know, my wife just died recently, so I'm working myself through it.

Honey, I'm so sorry.

I apologize.

Is it a dad cracking in your trunk?

It's my wife, Ellie.

Ernie! I'm going to get my grandson now. God bless you.

y 'all people where is he you have you have eyebrows uh glued on you and

everything like what is wrong with y 'all what do you what do you mean he's

riding around with the dead person in the trunk oh that's his wife why is he

riding around the dead person in the trunk oh because she died okay why is

not being buried oh because he had an issue at the funeral home she's he's

bury her her himself but we're going to florida right now we're going to To the

Florida Keys together.

We're lovers.

Y 'all are lovers?

Yeah.

Well, he just left. I called the police. Is he on his way back to pick me up?

No, you're going to get in trouble.

But is he coming back to pick me up? No, he's not coming back.

I told him I was calling the police.

Actually, you know what? Maybe don't call the police.

Yeah, I'm calling the police.

Maybe if you don't call the police?

Yeah, I'm calling.

What if...

What if you just stop calling the police?

No,

you're being silly.

We should call it. She's getting too worked up.

Okay.

Somebody come over.

Can I tell you something, ma 'am?

We're making a movie.

We're making a movie.

Ma 'am, I'm so sorry. I'm not even a woman.

I'm a man.

I'm so sorry.

Please forgive me. You were so nice.

What's your name?

I'm Spike.

So nice to meet you. Thank you. Thank you.

She's too nice.

So we have a tantric sex lady coming in.

I do?

Yeah, you know what tantric sex is, right? Yeah. You fuck with a lot of eye

contact.

Of course.

I read about it in a pamphlet at my church.

Yeah, the sex therapy, I think it was Spike's idea. He wanted to get these,

like, spiritual healers to help him, um, finally break through so Irving

can have sex with him, her.

Yeah, does any of this newfangled voodoo -insky, uh, they're gonna loosen her up

in the old bungles thing?

This might heal you a little bit. A little in pink.

How's that feel?

It feels like you're rubbing a rock on my face. Stop it.

I'm going to just put it over here. This feels nice here.

Cool. Well, I kind of need it here for the reading.

Okay. But you can hold it until we get to that point.

Okay. And I put it there because it is for love. Yeah.

See, we already found some stuff you can do. Go up to the portal, get some rose

quartz. The portal?

The portal.

Where you can get these rocks. Can I see this one again?

Not if you put it in your crotch. It cannot go in your crotch. Why?

It could fit in there. This is my rock.

Oh, you use this in your crotch? No, I do not. And I don't want you using it on

your crotch. She uses that one.

I don't use any of these on my crotch. But you can. They can be used on your

crotch. No, these are for healing. No, you'd never do that. You'd buy a

vibrator. You wouldn't use one of these. Where do we get a vibrator? At the

porthole. Okay, why are you saying that? It's the portal. What is the portal? P

-O -R -T -A -L.

It has nothing to do with the hole.

You can think of this as you. This would be your head.

This would be your body. There's your poontang right there.

The magician.

My flower is what I like to call it. She doesn't like your term. She

prefers the term flower.

Okay. Make him say that. Make him say it. I heard you say you don't like the

term poontang.

And I agree with her. And okay, okay, you prefer flour.

I would like to eat your flour, honey.

Okay, we'll work on that.

Tell him how to say that nicer.

Okay, I would relish the cheese. I would like to put relish on your flour,

honey. Okay, that's close enough because you have to eat it up.

I don't want relish on my flower. No, no, no. I said he would relish, as in

really enjoy.

Oh, boy.

Relish as in really enjoy the opportunity.

Won't that sting?

It's very spicy. No, no, no. We're not putting relish on you anywhere.

And your ultimate outcome card, if you can learn to use your words differently.

Right. And to not be aggressive.

This is the best part.

This is the best part.

Everything's going to work for you.

I get anal.

That's what she said. That is what she said?

Yes. I'm not saying... Oh, no, no, not you, the car.

They're not saying that you should have anal, okay?

What are they saying?

They're saying that you're going to have a better relationship, that you're

going to be happier... And they're implying anal.

I think what they're suggesting is that... Oh, I'm sorry, they're

anal. Yeah, I can never say do this or don't do that.

And if you tell him that you don't like it, he will stop.

But if you like it, it's... We met the lady with the crystals

who was very funny, and then we struck gold with the card reader.

We've just come in, we've reached in contact with each other again, and he

like to take our relationship further, but myself... I want to get him fixed

before we do that because I don't want him bringing his negative juju into my

energy, my sexual energy field.

Do you want to fix him?

So I can knuckle up on her pilaf and slip her the old butterfinger.

Um, well, whatever, um, you know.

Very lewd. He can be a very lewd man.

Well, he's a man.

That's the way they are.

Tell her what you said you wanted last night.

I told you that your pubic dandruff is not doing my schmeckleheimer no favors.

That's what I told you. That's what he said.

Well, are you a Jewish gentleman?

Well, I wasn't.

I was an accountant.

So I changed my name to this man.

To drum up more business, you know? It just smelled like money.

Oh, so you do have a little Jewish in you. I'm trying to put a little Jewish

her.

Well, I'm... You'd like for her to get nasty.

You'd like for her to get nasty, wouldn't you? I would love for her to

nasty. What does that mean?

He wants to... show you physically...

Throw it in your pickle schmear.

What is the pickle smear?

That's just his lingo.

Oh, okay.

It means the back door.

Oh, okay.

Now, I don't know where you're going. I don't know why you need to go there.

Where? To the back door.

So when I got up to go to the bathroom, the card reader had a real quiet talk

with Spike trying to determine if... He was a transvestite. You have a very

feminine side, and you have a very... You can do things that men can

do, too. Really? Like what?

Basically, what she implied was, was I a man?

And Gloria's very sensitive about that.

Gloria doesn't want to be... Gloria's very proud of her femininity, and even

she has certain traits that are very masculine...

Like her dick? Like her dick.

He talks about big butts a lot, and I'm going to try and be light about that,

but it certainly upsets me sometimes.

I'm tired of magazines saying flat butts are the thing.

You know, you can do side bends or sit -ups, but just don't lose that butt.

Well... Some people just don't have one.

So, you know, that doesn't mean that we can't love them anyway.

My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon.

Hmm.

He... What did you say to me last night?

I said, ladies.

Yeah?

Ladies. Yeah?

If you want to roll in my Mercedes. Yeah?

Turn around mm -hmm and stick it out. Yeah, and even white boys got a shout

Babies got back That just seems offensive to

me though, you know No

Irving Irving Irving Ezra pound

You want to bring out her softness? Yeah. Well, you have to appeal to that

softness. Yes.

And then you'll get what you want.

Yes. You don't get it with piss and vinegar.

I'm not into water sports.

No, no, no. You sound, you know, your approach sounds... I need to be more

smooth.

Exactly.

I think you fixed him. I think you cured him.

And I think if you want me to, and only if you want me to, I will open up my

back door.

Well, if you feel comfortable with that, then go for it.

I'm scared, though.

Enjoy the ride.

Okay.

Oh, that's a nice hat.

Look at this!

I gotta

wax my bunghole?

Every morning.

It's not a hangover anymore. Now it's just a morning.

Cremation sounds actually good for her. You get a little spark around that dried

-out old crotch of hers, and it'll go up like a firework stand.

What'd I say?

You okay, Javier?

Oh!

He's laying a deuce!

Javier's laying a deuce!

Karen, she's doing it.

I need some poontang. All of the above.

It's hammer time.

Do you know what time it is?

I said it's hammer time.

Grandpa!

What?

Let me put these back in.

Let me put my nuts in my butt. One second. Alright.

Nice to meet you. Are you 21?

Yes.

You've been smoking those left -handed cigarettes, Javier? No, no, I haven't.

You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

It's tickling.

You okay?

All right.

What happened? Fuck you.

So Amanda is terrified of spiders. Thank goodness I just found a spider.

I mean, this is a big old...

is helping me staying dry from the rain.

Am I going to be on TV with this?

No, it's a movie.

It's a... Hey,

stick with me, honey. You'll be farting through silk.

My name is Roger.

Who's D? Do I got an S to get another drink around here?

I don't know. What's the next?

Sorry about that, Sandy Claus.

Lindsay, where's D?

This is working.

Where's D?

Where's Lee going later?

It's really gross.

That feels good too

Go, go, go, go.

That's fine.

You're not going anywhere, dude.

All right. You ain't going anywhere. All right. Okay.

All right. You're not going anywhere.

There's the cops right now.