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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:12,412 --> 00:00:15,449 [audience cheering, applauding] 2 00:00:16,884 --> 00:00:22,322 Live from the Netflix is a Joke Festival, welcome to A Really Bad Idea. 3 00:00:22,389 --> 00:00:25,225 It's The Roast of Kevin Hart. 4 00:00:25,292 --> 00:00:28,629 And Philly is definitely in the house. 5 00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:33,667 Please welcome the roundest thing on tires, Shane Gillis. 6 00:00:34,668 --> 00:00:38,372 -[audience cheering, applauding] -[instrumental rendition of "War" playing] 7 00:00:57,758 --> 00:00:59,826 [music concludes] 8 00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:03,964 Welcome to The Roast of Kevin Hart, live in Los Angeles, 9 00:01:04,031 --> 00:01:06,767 -where we're… Yeah. -[audience cheering, applauding] 10 00:01:10,637 --> 00:01:12,806 {\an8}Where we're here to celebrate a guy we used to like 11 00:01:12,873 --> 00:01:15,742 -in a city that was once important. -[audience laughing] 12 00:01:16,443 --> 00:01:17,744 [Shane] Kevin will be out in a minute. 13 00:01:17,811 --> 00:01:19,947 I'm sure he's backstage fucking shadowboxing, 14 00:01:20,013 --> 00:01:22,683 or doing a group prayer or whatever the fuck he does. 15 00:01:23,450 --> 00:01:25,786 I'm your extremely white host, Shane Gillis. 16 00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:31,024 -[chuckles] Yeah. -[audience cheering, applauding] 17 00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:34,528 White hosts, yeah. [chuckles] Big applause, all right. 18 00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:37,831 I'd, uh… I'd just like to thank Netflix for choosing me 19 00:01:37,898 --> 00:01:40,067 to host this celebration of Black excellence. 20 00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:41,969 [audience laughing] 21 00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:45,072 [chuckles] 22 00:01:46,139 --> 00:01:48,342 Look, I'm not saying there's a lot of Black people here tonight, 23 00:01:48,408 --> 00:01:50,611 but backstage a production assistant asked me 24 00:01:50,677 --> 00:01:52,779 what color drank I want in my dressing room. 25 00:01:52,846 --> 00:01:55,682 -[audience laughing] -[Shane] Chose purple. 26 00:01:58,685 --> 00:02:01,655 I'm gonna be setting the tone, but to help us with the rhythm, 27 00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:04,024 please welcome Philadelphia's own, the legendary, 28 00:02:04,091 --> 00:02:06,293 Grammy Award winning, The Roots. 29 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:07,928 [audience cheering, applauding] 30 00:02:12,532 --> 00:02:15,068 Welcome, everyone, to The Roast of Kevin Hart. 31 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,270 [audience cheering, applauding] 32 00:02:17,337 --> 00:02:20,073 ["Yeah!" intro playing] 33 00:02:21,541 --> 00:02:23,043 [Usher] ♪ Yeah ♪ 34 00:02:23,110 --> 00:02:25,545 -♪ Yeah ♪ -[laughs] 35 00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:27,981 Kev, we about to roast your ass. 36 00:02:29,016 --> 00:02:32,419 ♪ Yeah, yeah, L.A. ♪ 37 00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:33,654 ♪ The world ♪ 38 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:36,556 -["Caught Up" playing] -♪ I'm the kind of brother ♪ 39 00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:38,325 ♪ Who can do it in my way ♪ 40 00:02:38,392 --> 00:02:41,928 ♪ Getting my bread for years In my career ♪ 41 00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:44,665 ♪ And every lover, y'all ♪ 42 00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:50,804 ♪ In and out my life, I've hit, love And left in tears without a care ♪ 43 00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:53,440 -♪ Until I met this girl… ♪ -♪ Met this girl… ♪ 44 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:55,075 How you doing? 45 00:02:55,142 --> 00:02:57,811 -♪ Who turned the tables around ♪ -♪ Tables around ♪ 46 00:02:57,878 --> 00:03:00,080 ♪ She caught me by surprise and I ♪ 47 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:03,150 ♪ Never thought I'd be the one breaking down ♪ 48 00:03:03,250 --> 00:03:04,518 [Usher] What up, baby? 49 00:03:04,584 --> 00:03:05,952 ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ 50 00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:10,057 -♪ I can't figure it out, I'm so ♪ -♪ Caught up ♪ 51 00:03:10,257 --> 00:03:12,592 -♪ Got me feelin' it ♪ -♪ Caught up ♪ 52 00:03:12,659 --> 00:03:16,663 ♪ I don't know what it is But it seems she's got me twisted ♪ 53 00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:18,832 -♪ I'm so ♪ -♪ Caught up ♪ 54 00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:20,967 -♪ Got me feelin' it ♪ -♪ Caught up ♪ 55 00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:24,705 ♪ I'm losing control, this girl's gotta… ♪ 56 00:03:25,172 --> 00:03:26,106 ♪ Yeah ♪ 57 00:03:26,173 --> 00:03:28,475 -[Usher chuckles] -♪ Oh ♪ 58 00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:31,778 Let's welcome… Let's welcome Kevin Hart. 59 00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:32,979 Kevin Hart. 60 00:03:37,117 --> 00:03:39,553 [chuckles] Yeah! What I'd tell you? 61 00:03:40,987 --> 00:03:42,089 -[song concludes] -[Kevin] Yeah! 62 00:03:42,155 --> 00:03:43,223 Yes! 63 00:03:43,290 --> 00:03:45,792 -Yeah! Yeah! -[Usher] I don't understand. 64 00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:48,795 -Why? -["Burn" intro playing] 65 00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:51,131 See, it's burning me to hold on to this. 66 00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:53,867 I know this is somethin' I gotta do, 67 00:03:53,934 --> 00:03:57,003 but I don't know why you chose to do this. 68 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,071 What you about to do? 69 00:03:58,138 --> 00:04:00,273 You see, your friends stand with you at your best. 70 00:04:00,340 --> 00:04:01,475 -What? -[Usher] But tonight, 71 00:04:01,541 --> 00:04:05,679 I'm gonna need you to have a seat, 'cause we gonna talk about your worst. 72 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:08,415 -You gonna go with that? Okay. -[Usher] That's right, Kevin. 73 00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:10,350 -It's time to let it burn. -Go ahead, go ahead. 74 00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:14,221 ♪ It's gon' burn for me to say this But it's comin' from my heart ♪ 75 00:04:14,287 --> 00:04:18,125 ♪ Said I watched your last stand up And not a single funny part ♪ 76 00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:22,729 ♪ I really hoped you'd work it out But the soul had left the plane ♪ 77 00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:26,733 ♪ No matter the script Every role you take, it feels the same ♪ 78 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:28,668 -What the fuck are you doing? -♪ Tell me why ♪ 79 00:04:28,735 --> 00:04:32,773 ♪ I should stay in this great friendship? 'Cause we ain't laughin', Kevin ♪ 80 00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:34,941 ♪ It keeps happenin', Kevin ♪ 81 00:04:35,041 --> 00:04:39,045 ♪ Plus, Netflix ain't always Gonna take that bail shit bullshit ♪ 82 00:04:39,146 --> 00:04:42,282 ♪ I think that you should ♪ 83 00:04:43,350 --> 00:04:46,052 ♪ Watchin' Kevin Ain't the same for nobody ♪ 84 00:04:46,153 --> 00:04:47,854 -What the fuck are you doing? -♪ When they go to commercial ♪ 85 00:04:47,921 --> 00:04:50,857 ♪ Had to do a roast 'Cause them jokes ain't crackin' ♪ 86 00:04:50,924 --> 00:04:54,795 ♪ Like they used to Look at what money does to you ♪ 87 00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:58,298 -Yeah! -♪ Let it burn, let it burn ♪ 88 00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:02,869 ♪ Deep down you know you cooked And we 'bout to roast you ♪ 89 00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:05,906 ♪ Startin' with them baby slacks And baby shoes ♪ 90 00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:09,609 ♪ Yeah, you know that you blowing When your movies do too ♪ 91 00:05:09,676 --> 00:05:12,479 -♪ Let it burn ♪ -♪ Let it burn ♪ 92 00:05:12,612 --> 00:05:13,947 ♪ Brake it down ♪ 93 00:05:15,248 --> 00:05:17,851 [Usher vocalizing] 94 00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:21,388 -[Kevin] You son of a bitch. -♪ Loser ♪ 95 00:05:21,454 --> 00:05:22,856 ♪ Can you feel it burning ♪ 96 00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:26,793 [vocalizing] 97 00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:32,065 -[Kevin] Okay. All right. Okay. -[chuckles] 98 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,302 You got some fucking balls on you, Usher. 99 00:05:35,368 --> 00:05:37,204 [Usher] Hey, this just the beginning, dawg. 100 00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:38,505 -You got some fucking balls on you, man. -Yeah. 101 00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:40,507 I said, come out here and set this shit off for me. 102 00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:42,108 Let's have a good fucking time. 103 00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,477 You come out here and do a song I've never heard. 104 00:05:44,544 --> 00:05:46,279 You can go fuck yourself for all I care. 105 00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,515 Come on, man. That's it. 106 00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:51,251 Let's do it big one time. Come on, Kev. 107 00:05:51,318 --> 00:05:53,486 What the fuck you going to do with those? 108 00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:55,755 What the fuck you about to do with those? 109 00:05:55,822 --> 00:05:57,457 I mean, you know, it's… 110 00:05:57,524 --> 00:05:59,259 Usher, if you don't get them cherries, the fuck out my face. 111 00:05:59,326 --> 00:06:02,229 Get them fucking cherries out my goddamn face, man. 112 00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:04,464 Get your ass off the stage, man. 113 00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:06,900 -No, get off the fucking stage. -Hey, hey, listen. 114 00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:10,670 Congratulations. Good luck. You gonna need it, buddy. 115 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:14,708 [audience cheering, applauding] 116 00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:20,881 Yeah, yeah, you know what, Usher? Fuck you. How about that? 117 00:06:20,947 --> 00:06:22,649 Fuck you, Usher. 118 00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:25,852 You can take whatever friendship we had and throw it in the trash. 119 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,655 Y'all make sure y'all go see my guy on tour. 120 00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:31,258 He's doing a stadium tour. Go get your fucking tickets. 121 00:06:31,324 --> 00:06:33,994 -[audience cheering, applauding] -That's my brother. 122 00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:38,732 What's going on, Los Angeles? Make some goddamn noise in this bitch tonight. 123 00:06:38,798 --> 00:06:44,337 -[audience cheering, applauding] -[Kevin] Oh-ho. 124 00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:50,110 I want to welcome y'all to the roast of him, of that nigga, me. 125 00:06:50,176 --> 00:06:52,579 That's right, Kevin Hart. 126 00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:55,181 We are about to have a good goddamn time tonight, guys. 127 00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:58,485 And you know what I love to do? I love to fucking set the tone. 128 00:06:58,551 --> 00:06:59,753 I love to make sure that the people 129 00:06:59,819 --> 00:07:02,122 inside the room are possessed with the energy 130 00:07:02,188 --> 00:07:04,024 that we need so that we can have a good fucking time. 131 00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:05,225 So I'm gonna ask you again, 132 00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:08,328 are y'all ready to have a good fucking time tonight? 133 00:07:08,395 --> 00:07:13,233 -[audience cheering, applauding] -Yeah. Yeah. 134 00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:14,434 I'm gonna tell you right now, 135 00:07:14,501 --> 00:07:16,503 this is gonna be way better than the Tom Brady roast. 136 00:07:16,569 --> 00:07:18,438 Way better. 137 00:07:18,505 --> 00:07:19,739 Way better. 138 00:07:19,806 --> 00:07:22,075 The reason why is because I'm not a bitch. 139 00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:25,412 -[audience laughing] -Tom is a bitch. 140 00:07:25,478 --> 00:07:29,182 Tom sat there the whole time with the fucking white man face. 141 00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:32,052 [imitating Tom Brady] 142 00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:33,620 Went on radio stations after that. 143 00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:36,623 [imitating Tom Brady] "Why'd they say that about me? I can't believe…" 144 00:07:36,690 --> 00:07:38,425 Shut the fuck up, Tom! 145 00:07:38,491 --> 00:07:40,994 He was a bitch. Roots, was Tom a bitch? 146 00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:42,896 -[The Roots] Yeah. -[Kevin] Yeah, goddamn right he was. 147 00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,198 He was a fucking bitch. [chuckles] 148 00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:48,735 I ain't no bitch! You bring whatever it is that you got, 149 00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:52,872 I could give two fucks. You go and say what you want to say. Say it. 150 00:07:52,939 --> 00:07:55,342 I don't give a shit at the end of the day. 151 00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:59,179 I'm Kevin motherfucking Hart. 152 00:07:59,245 --> 00:08:04,384 I'm the man up in this bitch. Yeah! Yeah! 153 00:08:04,451 --> 00:08:07,287 Y'all know what I'm talking about? 154 00:08:07,354 --> 00:08:09,489 That's right, Los Angeles. 155 00:08:11,524 --> 00:08:16,629 -Jesus do you ever shut the fuck up? -[audience laughing] 156 00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:21,368 -Have you even left the forum? -[audience laughing] 157 00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:24,938 Or have you just been here screaming into that mic the last two years 158 00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,340 waiting for Daddy to come home? 159 00:08:29,576 --> 00:08:32,879 Well, unlike your real dad, I actually showed up. 160 00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:36,916 Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. 161 00:08:36,983 --> 00:08:39,886 -And I brought you a jersey. -[Kevin] Oh, you son-- Gimme-- 162 00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:41,755 -Give me that fucking jersey. -That's newborn size. 163 00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:42,989 -Yeah, fucking jersey. -Does that fit you? 164 00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:46,393 -Give me the fucking jersey. -All right, sit down. 165 00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:49,729 -Fucking hobbit. -[audience laughing] 166 00:08:52,298 --> 00:08:55,568 {\an8}All right, this won't take long, 'cause as you guys know, I'm a busy man. 167 00:08:55,635 --> 00:08:57,537 {\an8}But I do have a few words for you 168 00:08:57,604 --> 00:09:00,407 before I return to my affairs in Las Vegas. 169 00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:02,442 Oh, wait. 170 00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:08,581 I'm talking about affairs in Las Vegas. Was that off? 171 00:09:08,648 --> 00:09:11,584 Not supposed to talk about affairs in Vegas? 172 00:09:11,651 --> 00:09:13,186 Think I broke another rule. 173 00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:16,556 Fuck it, I talked about it. 174 00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:20,527 So what was it that you were screaming at my bros? 175 00:09:20,593 --> 00:09:23,930 [imitates Kevin] "Time to get comfortable being uncomfortable." 176 00:09:23,997 --> 00:09:25,799 You at that podium. 177 00:09:25,865 --> 00:09:27,700 Those were your words, Kevin. 178 00:09:27,767 --> 00:09:29,903 Who's squirming in that little high chair now, bitch? 179 00:09:29,969 --> 00:09:31,504 [audience laughing] 180 00:09:33,973 --> 00:09:37,210 Put a pillow underneath, it'd make you look taller. 181 00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:40,914 And, Kevin, what the fuck have you done to my roast? 182 00:09:40,980 --> 00:09:44,317 Seriously, I played in the NFL for 23 seasons, 183 00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:48,822 but I've never seen anyone drop the ball like this. 184 00:09:48,888 --> 00:09:53,460 How did the GOAT roast go from me to you? [chuckles] 185 00:09:55,995 --> 00:10:01,234 -I won seven Super Bowls. -[audience cheering, applauding] 186 00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:07,006 -Kevin has been in two Ride Along movies. -[audience laughing] 187 00:10:08,374 --> 00:10:14,581 -I've won five Super Bowl MVP awards. -[audience cheering, applauding] 188 00:10:15,582 --> 00:10:19,686 Kevin, you're the third most famous person in Jumanji. 189 00:10:19,752 --> 00:10:22,822 -[audience laughing] -[Tom] That was a good movie though. 190 00:10:24,858 --> 00:10:28,495 And look at this pathetic dais. 191 00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:31,631 I guess it wouldn't be a Kevin Hart project 192 00:10:31,698 --> 00:10:33,766 if it wasn't a shitty sequel. 193 00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:35,568 [audience laughing] 194 00:10:36,870 --> 00:10:39,672 -[indistinct chatter] -[chuckles] 195 00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:43,776 You've got Sheryl Underwood. 196 00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:47,714 [audience cheering, applauding] 197 00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:50,950 Big Jay Oakerson. 198 00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:54,420 Na'im Lynn. 199 00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:58,091 -Who the fuck are these people? -[audience laughing] 200 00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:01,227 And how did they get here? I thought they shut down Spirit Airlines. 201 00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:04,764 [audience laughing] 202 00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:12,605 [laughing] That's good, that's good. 203 00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:16,509 And what happened to Nikki Glaser? She looks like shit. 204 00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:22,115 -Oh, my bad, sorry, Chelsea. -[audience laughing] 205 00:11:24,884 --> 00:11:28,955 -Draymond Green is here. -[audience applauding] 206 00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,023 [Tom] Yeah. 207 00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:33,459 Draymond's here. 208 00:11:36,829 --> 00:11:37,830 For now. 209 00:11:38,965 --> 00:11:41,968 He'll probably get thrown out in the next ten minutes. 210 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,304 You know we're not roasting Steve Kerr, right? 211 00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:50,310 And it looks like we actually have some real Eagles fans here. 212 00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:52,912 -[audience cheering, applauding] -Yeah. 213 00:11:52,979 --> 00:11:55,281 Not like Kevin, who only shows up 214 00:11:55,348 --> 00:11:57,250 at the big games when the Eagles are playing well. 215 00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:59,252 You know, Kev, we actually have a name for those people. 216 00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:03,323 -They're called Cowboys fans. -[audience laughing] 217 00:12:04,424 --> 00:12:06,159 And when I run into Eagles fans, 218 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,461 they always wanna bring up the Philly Special. 219 00:12:08,528 --> 00:12:11,431 They love to talk about the Philly Special. 220 00:12:11,497 --> 00:12:13,166 Yeah, I don't. 221 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:16,769 And I tell them, "Hey, his name is Shane Gillis, have some respect." 222 00:12:18,871 --> 00:12:19,872 You're special. 223 00:12:22,609 --> 00:12:27,046 Kevin, you took a lot of shots at my family during my roast. 224 00:12:28,047 --> 00:12:31,117 But I'm too classy to go after your beautiful wife. 225 00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:33,052 Or am I? 226 00:12:33,119 --> 00:12:36,723 -What's up, girl? -[audience laughing] 227 00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:42,128 -Ooh. -Watch your fucking step, Tom! 228 00:12:42,195 --> 00:12:44,530 You better stop! You'd better fucking cut it out. 229 00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:48,768 I know in the past, people-- you've been accused of being homophobic, 230 00:12:48,835 --> 00:12:51,271 and I really hope that's not true because you're about 231 00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:56,175 to get that teeny tiny little ass of yours reamed tonight. 232 00:12:56,242 --> 00:12:58,044 And I cannot wait to watch this. 233 00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:01,214 Payback's a bitch and so are you Kevin Hart. 234 00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:04,851 -Let's fucking go. -[audience cheering, applauding] 235 00:13:06,252 --> 00:13:07,654 ["Rock Boys (And the Winner is…) playing] 236 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,223 ♪ And the winner is… HOV, my man ♪ 237 00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:12,725 -♪ Speech! ♪ -[announcer 1] Welcome to the stage! 238 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:13,893 [announcer 2] In this corner… 239 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,562 [announcer 1, voice distorting] Kevin, Kevin, Kevin Hart. 240 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:17,797 [announcer 2] The Main Event. 241 00:13:17,864 --> 00:13:19,966 Kevin Hart versus… 242 00:13:21,567 --> 00:13:23,202 ♪ The Roc Boys in the building tonight ♪ 243 00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:25,838 ♪ Oh, what a feeling, I'm feeling life ♪ 244 00:13:25,905 --> 00:13:27,774 ♪ You don't even Gotta bring your paper out ♪ 245 00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:30,576 ♪ We the dope boys of the year Drinks is on the house ♪ 246 00:13:31,010 --> 00:13:33,179 ♪ We in the house, hou… hou… ♪ 247 00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:35,915 -♪ We in the house, hou… hou… ♪ -♪ Hey! ♪ 248 00:13:37,083 --> 00:13:39,085 ♪ Sweet ♪ 249 00:13:42,855 --> 00:13:44,223 ♪ Let that ride out! ♪ 250 00:13:47,293 --> 00:13:49,495 ♪ Bring the horns back in, yeah ♪ 251 00:13:50,196 --> 00:13:51,431 ♪ This is Black superhero music ♪ 252 00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:52,999 -♪ Right here, baby ♪ -[bell ringing] 253 00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:55,902 {\an8}[Jay-Z laughing] 254 00:13:55,968 --> 00:13:57,970 {\an8}-♪ Ow! ♪ -[song concludes] 255 00:14:03,876 --> 00:14:07,413 {\an8}-Well, that was fucking annoying. -[audience laughing] 256 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:10,817 {\an8}God, a lot of arrogant people here. Uh… 257 00:14:10,883 --> 00:14:13,753 {\an8}Now, Kevin, if you're thinking this is just gonna be a bunch of jokes 258 00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:16,456 {\an8}about you being short and annoying, that's true. 259 00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:19,025 {\an8}We will be doing that. But we're also gonna be talking about 260 00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:21,761 {\an8}how you're a shitty comedian, a star fucker, 261 00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:22,995 {\an8}and an absentee father. 262 00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,935 We're all here to honor Kevin Hart. 263 00:14:29,001 --> 00:14:31,771 {\an8}And what a better way to do that than to take a paycheck 264 00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:33,406 {\an8}while pretending to have fun. 265 00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:35,441 {\an8}[audience laughing] 266 00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:36,709 {\an8}You're a whore, Kevin. 267 00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:40,847 {\an8}Speaking of whores, hey, Chelsea. [laughs] 268 00:14:43,015 --> 00:14:44,150 Yeah. 269 00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:46,619 [audience cheering, applauding] 270 00:14:48,354 --> 00:14:52,258 {\an8}We have Chelsea Handler, middle name Penis. 271 00:14:52,325 --> 00:14:53,926 [audience laughing] 272 00:14:55,094 --> 00:14:56,562 {\an8}Penis Handler. 273 00:14:57,930 --> 00:14:59,565 {\an8}That's gonna catch on. All right, fuck you guys. 274 00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:01,667 {\an8}That was my best one. [laughs] 275 00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:06,706 {\an8}If you guys upgrade your account from standard to premium, 276 00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:08,508 {\an8}Chelsea turns into a male comedian. 277 00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:11,944 {\an8}[audience laughing] 278 00:15:12,011 --> 00:15:14,147 [Shane] Oh, this is gonna be terrible. 279 00:15:14,213 --> 00:15:17,316 If that was offensive, I'm fucked. All right. 280 00:15:17,383 --> 00:15:19,652 {\an8}[chuckles] My buddy Big Jay Oakerson is here. 281 00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:20,853 {\an8}Give it up for Jay. 282 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,655 [audience cheering, applauding] 283 00:15:23,689 --> 00:15:26,826 {\an8}Jay's the only guy in the Epstein files for actual pizza. 284 00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:29,896 {\an8}[audience laughing] 285 00:15:29,962 --> 00:15:31,798 {\an8}I don't know if you can see it, but he paints his fingernails, 286 00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:34,367 {\an8}which, you know, that's kinda weird, huh? 287 00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:36,903 {\an8}He's like a 50-year-old emo goth comedian. 288 00:15:38,037 --> 00:15:41,073 {\an8}[imitates Big Jay Oakerson] "You guys ready for crowd work? Yeah!" [laughs] 289 00:15:41,140 --> 00:15:44,811 {\an8}Anyway, Big Jay gets a new manicure every week 290 00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:48,381 {\an8}because apparently fat girl pussy juice dissolves nail polish. 291 00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:50,550 {\an8}[audience laughing] 292 00:15:54,020 --> 00:15:57,390 {\an8}What do you mean, "Jesus?" Oh, this is gonna go so bad. 293 00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:59,592 {\an8}This… I know what's gonna happen. I know how bad this is. 294 00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:02,495 {\an8}All right, fuck it. My friend Tony Hinchcliffe is here. 295 00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:03,596 {\an8}Give it up for Tony. 296 00:16:03,663 --> 00:16:06,732 [audience cheering, applauding] 297 00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:11,737 {\an8}Tony Hinchcliffe looks like he burns things in his living room 298 00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:13,940 {\an8}and waits for the firefighters to come rescue him. 299 00:16:14,006 --> 00:16:16,676 {\an8}[audience laughing] 300 00:16:16,742 --> 00:16:18,678 {\an8}When they asked Tony if he wanted to roast Kevin Hart, 301 00:16:18,744 --> 00:16:21,347 {\an8}he got so excited, he spit all the cum out of his mouth. 302 00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:23,583 {\an8}[audience laughing] 303 00:16:25,551 --> 00:16:26,652 [chuckles] 304 00:16:29,755 --> 00:16:31,457 [Shane] Hell yeah, Kev, thank you. 305 00:16:33,025 --> 00:16:35,261 {\an8}Tony Hinchcliffe is the only guy that goes to Trump rallies 306 00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,497 {\an8}just so he can dance to the village people. 307 00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:39,131 {\an8}[audience laughing] 308 00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:43,903 {\an8}Tony, uh, I've been to Tony's apartment in Austin. 309 00:16:43,970 --> 00:16:46,038 {\an8}He has… He literally has thrones. 310 00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:52,979 {\an8}For real, he sits in… Tony has a throne overlooking Austin. 311 00:16:53,045 --> 00:16:55,648 {\an8}Austin is a 19-year-old twink who lives across the street 312 00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:57,717 {\an8}and works out without a shirt on. [laughs] 313 00:16:57,783 --> 00:16:59,085 [audience laughing] 314 00:17:02,955 --> 00:17:05,024 {\an8}Sheryl Underwood is here. Give it up for Sheryl. 315 00:17:05,091 --> 00:17:08,060 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 316 00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:12,164 {\an8}Sheryl's, uh, Sheryl's a lifelong Republican, 317 00:17:12,231 --> 00:17:14,567 {\an8}and, uh, she's actually thinking about getting into politics. 318 00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:15,735 {\an8}She's running for a seat 319 00:17:15,801 --> 00:17:18,371 {\an8}in the Big Mama's House of Representatives. 320 00:17:18,437 --> 00:17:20,907 {\an8}[audience laughing] 321 00:17:20,973 --> 00:17:22,742 {\an8}Sheryl's husband killed himself. 322 00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:27,813 {\an8}Apparently, Black does crack if it's married to Sheryl 323 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,815 {\an8}and jumps off a fucking roof. [laughs] 324 00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:33,286 {\an8}[audience laughing] 325 00:17:33,352 --> 00:17:36,022 {\an8}I do it for the balcony, I do it for the upper decks. 326 00:17:36,088 --> 00:17:38,291 {\an8}Fuck all these people down here. 327 00:17:38,357 --> 00:17:40,626 [audience cheering, applauding] 328 00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:46,599 {\an8}Why would you put rich pussies down here? Look at these animals up here, yeah. 329 00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:49,535 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 330 00:17:49,602 --> 00:17:50,903 Fucking right. 331 00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:57,076 {\an8}Regina Hall is here. I think her-- Yeah. 332 00:17:57,143 --> 00:17:59,912 {\an8}Wherever the fuck she is. Hey. Hey, Regina, how are you? 333 00:17:59,979 --> 00:18:03,649 {\an8}Her husband's doing well, so we're just gonna move on from that. 334 00:18:06,052 --> 00:18:08,721 {\an8}Na'im Lynn is here, he's one of Kevin's best friends, 335 00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:10,790 {\an8}openers and writers, give it up for him. 336 00:18:13,859 --> 00:18:16,929 {\an8}Na'im's a really good writer, him and Kevin worked together 337 00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:18,064 {\an8}on The Roast of Tom Brady, 338 00:18:18,130 --> 00:18:21,968 {\an8}where Na'im came up with such classics like, "That Was crazy." 339 00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:24,837 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -[chuckles] And, "Oh, hell no." 340 00:18:26,072 --> 00:18:28,441 {\an8}And everyone's favorite, "Damn, she went there?" 341 00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:31,077 Guy's a fucking genius. 342 00:18:32,311 --> 00:18:34,614 Pete Davidson's here, give it up for Pete. 343 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:38,284 [audience cheering, applauding] 344 00:18:39,418 --> 00:18:42,221 {\an8}Pete Davidson, aka Wigger Dracula. 345 00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:43,990 {\an8}[audience laughing] 346 00:18:44,056 --> 00:18:46,459 {\an8}[imitates Pete Davidson] "I want to suck at comedy." [laughs] 347 00:18:46,525 --> 00:18:48,427 {\an8}[audience laughing] 348 00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:50,296 {\an8}Just having fun, a little fun, dude. 349 00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:53,265 {\an8}Pete recently got all of his tattoos removed, 350 00:18:53,332 --> 00:18:56,569 {\an8}so now you actually have to talk to him to find out he's a complete fucking idiot. 351 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:59,071 {\an8}-[laughs] -[audience laughing] 352 00:19:01,707 --> 00:19:03,309 {\an8}[laughs] That's all I got, dude. 353 00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:08,214 {\an8}Draymond Green is here, give it up for Draymond. 354 00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:10,516 [audience jeering, applauding] 355 00:19:13,586 --> 00:19:18,290 {\an8}Yeah, sick. Yeah, fuck him. Boo! [laughs] 356 00:19:18,357 --> 00:19:21,761 {\an8}With a name like Draymond Green, he only had a few options in life. 357 00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:25,865 {\an8}Pro athlete, pimp in a documentary, or wealthy cartoon duck. 358 00:19:25,931 --> 00:19:28,334 {\an8}[audience laughing] 359 00:19:28,401 --> 00:19:30,269 [Shane chuckles] 360 00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:31,570 {\an8}He plays… [laughs] 361 00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:34,607 {\an8}He plays for the Golden State Warriors. 362 00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:38,778 {\an8}[audience jeering, applauding] 363 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,683 {\an8}Golden State Warriors sounds like a nickname 364 00:19:43,749 --> 00:19:46,719 {\an8}they had for people who died of AIDS in the 1980s. 365 00:19:46,786 --> 00:19:48,821 {\an8}[audience laughing] 366 00:19:50,956 --> 00:19:53,759 {\an8}The Golden State Warriors logo is a bridge. 367 00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:56,262 {\an8}Don't show that to Sheryl's husband. [laughs] 368 00:19:56,328 --> 00:19:57,730 {\an8}[audience laughing] 369 00:19:57,797 --> 00:20:00,733 {\an8}Seriously, keep that bridge away from Sheryl's husband. 370 00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,639 {\an8}I called her yesterday, shut up. 371 00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:11,310 {\an8}I was really… I felt terrible about that. I had to call her. All right. 372 00:20:12,244 --> 00:20:13,212 {\an8}She was crazy about it. 373 00:20:13,279 --> 00:20:15,081 {\an8}She was like, "You gonna make fun of my husband who fell off a bridge?" 374 00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:16,515 {\an8}I was like, "Yep." [laughs] 375 00:20:19,418 --> 00:20:23,823 {\an8}And speaking of Black men who once made an impact years ago, Kevin Hart. [laughs] 376 00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:26,459 {\an8}[audience laughing] 377 00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:32,198 Here's a fun fact about Kevin. Kevin has a 44-inch vertical leap. 378 00:20:32,264 --> 00:20:34,834 And I know that because he can kiss his wife on the lips. 379 00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:36,335 [audience laughing] 380 00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:39,839 {\an8}Being 5'1 sucks, 381 00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:42,241 {\an8}but at least you can tell him apart from all the other Blacks. 382 00:20:42,308 --> 00:20:45,010 {\an8}[audience laughing] 383 00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:49,682 {\an8}Yeah, they told me to be racist. [laughs] 384 00:20:51,217 --> 00:20:52,284 {\an8}What am I gonna make fun of? 385 00:20:52,351 --> 00:20:55,154 {\an8}"Oh, you got a huge dick and you're a billionaire?" Yeah. 386 00:20:56,889 --> 00:20:59,325 {\an8}When you see Kevin stand next to all his normal sized Black friends, 387 00:20:59,391 --> 00:21:01,494 {\an8}he looks like the period at the end of a sentence. 388 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:04,463 {\an8}[audience laughing] 389 00:21:07,733 --> 00:21:10,636 Yes, yes, Kevin, thank you. 390 00:21:10,703 --> 00:21:13,105 {\an8}-[Kevin] Yeah! -This is where… 391 00:21:13,172 --> 00:21:16,509 {\an8}To really understand Kevin's origins, you have to go back to the beginning. 392 00:21:16,575 --> 00:21:20,746 {\an8}Kevin's ancestors came to America in a slave ship in a bottle. 393 00:21:20,813 --> 00:21:22,314 [audience laughing] 394 00:21:25,317 --> 00:21:26,552 -[Kevin] Yeah. -[Shane] Yeah. 395 00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:28,154 {\an8}-[Kevin] Yeah. -Yeah. 396 00:21:30,222 --> 00:21:32,057 {\an8}The bottle. 397 00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:34,360 {\an8}He grew up in Philadelphia, where his mother worked 398 00:21:34,426 --> 00:21:35,828 {\an8}at the University of Pennsylvania, 399 00:21:35,895 --> 00:21:38,063 {\an8}and his father was one of the California Raisins. 400 00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:41,233 {\an8}[audience laughing] 401 00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:43,936 I'm just joking around. He wasn't raising anybody. 402 00:21:44,003 --> 00:21:46,639 -[audience laughing] -[laughs] 403 00:21:49,408 --> 00:21:50,876 {\an8}Unfortunately, that's true. 404 00:21:52,711 --> 00:21:56,081 {\an8}Kevin's dad wasn't there for him because he was addicted to cocaine, 405 00:21:56,148 --> 00:21:58,551 {\an8}which is a lot more respectable than not being there for your kids 406 00:21:58,617 --> 00:22:01,320 {\an8}because you're filming fucking Jumanji 3. 407 00:22:01,387 --> 00:22:03,656 -[audience laughing] -[Shane] That's pathetic. 408 00:22:08,727 --> 00:22:09,895 {\an8}A lot… [laughs] 409 00:22:12,097 --> 00:22:14,834 {\an8}A lot of people say Kevin's movies are formulaic. 410 00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:17,169 {\an8}Yeah, baby formula. 411 00:22:17,236 --> 00:22:19,672 {\an8}[audience laughing] 412 00:22:19,738 --> 00:22:22,908 {\an8}[laughs] That was the best one. 413 00:22:22,975 --> 00:22:25,477 {\an8}That was… We were like, "Yo, baby formula." 414 00:22:26,679 --> 00:22:28,948 {\an8}And every time you put one of Kevin's movies on, 415 00:22:29,014 --> 00:22:32,218 {\an8}you say to yourself, "I see where this is staying." 416 00:22:34,386 --> 00:22:37,623 {\an8}Now, he wasn't always a movie star. He's had a few setbacks. 417 00:22:37,690 --> 00:22:39,959 Kevin got a DUI. 418 00:22:40,025 --> 00:22:42,394 {\an8}[laughs] Isn't that funny? 419 00:22:42,461 --> 00:22:46,432 {\an8}Just a little tiny DUI, his feet barely reaching the pedals. 420 00:22:46,498 --> 00:22:48,334 {\an8}It's a cute DUI. 421 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,603 {\an8}It was actually, honestly, it was a pretty serious accident. 422 00:22:50,669 --> 00:22:53,305 {\an8}He wrapped his micro machine around a dandelion. 423 00:22:54,340 --> 00:22:57,509 [audience laughing] 424 00:22:57,576 --> 00:23:02,181 {\an8}Anyway, things got worse for Kevin only a few years later when he got fired 425 00:23:02,248 --> 00:23:03,983 {\an8}from the Oscars for homophobia. 426 00:23:04,984 --> 00:23:07,586 {\an8}They found an old tweet of his where he said if his son was gay, 427 00:23:07,653 --> 00:23:09,722 {\an8}he would break a dollhouse over his head. 428 00:23:10,923 --> 00:23:12,992 {\an8}I know, that's crazy. 429 00:23:13,058 --> 00:23:16,128 {\an8}He used to be funny. How about that? [laughs] 430 00:23:16,195 --> 00:23:18,364 That was really funny. That was so long ago. 431 00:23:19,899 --> 00:23:22,101 {\an8}After that, after he got fired for being homophobic, 432 00:23:22,167 --> 00:23:23,802 {\an8}he went on like an apology tour 433 00:23:23,869 --> 00:23:26,005 {\an8}where he had to go around and do interviews and shit. 434 00:23:26,071 --> 00:23:30,476 {\an8}And in one of the interviews, he said, "I'm in love with the man I'm becoming." 435 00:23:33,545 --> 00:23:37,449 {\an8}Gay. [laughs] Fucking homo, dude. 436 00:23:38,584 --> 00:23:41,854 I'm gonna break a dollhouse over his head after that fucking shit. 437 00:23:44,857 --> 00:23:46,859 {\an8}I guess one of the reasons no one can afford a house in America 438 00:23:46,926 --> 00:23:48,594 {\an8}these days is 'cause Kevin keeps breaking them 439 00:23:48,661 --> 00:23:50,362 {\an8}over his son's fucking head. 440 00:23:52,831 --> 00:23:56,402 {\an8}A few months ago, Kevin performed at the Riyadh Comedy Festival 441 00:23:56,468 --> 00:23:58,170 {\an8}sponsored by the Saudi government. 442 00:24:00,072 --> 00:24:03,509 {\an8}[audience jeering, laughing] 443 00:24:03,575 --> 00:24:06,178 They actually, they offered me a ton of money to do it, but I said no. 444 00:24:06,245 --> 00:24:07,579 {\an8}Kevin said yes. 445 00:24:09,515 --> 00:24:12,251 {\an8}The reason I said no was to honor 446 00:24:12,318 --> 00:24:14,320 {\an8}the brave police officers and firefighters 447 00:24:14,386 --> 00:24:16,055 {\an8}who lost their lives that day. 448 00:24:18,757 --> 00:24:20,159 Right, Pete? [laughs] 449 00:24:20,225 --> 00:24:21,560 [audience laughing] 450 00:24:28,233 --> 00:24:30,102 Kevin actually did really well in Saudi Arabia, 451 00:24:30,169 --> 00:24:32,538 but only because they thought he was the monkey from Aladdin. 452 00:24:32,604 --> 00:24:35,374 [audience laughing] 453 00:24:37,676 --> 00:24:40,446 {\an8}Abu, they were thinking about Abu. 454 00:24:40,512 --> 00:24:41,847 {\an8}Abu. 455 00:24:41,914 --> 00:24:43,682 {\an8}Abu, which is actually coincidentally 456 00:24:43,749 --> 00:24:47,553 {\an8}what Kevin hears every time he puts out one of his dog shit specials. 457 00:24:47,619 --> 00:24:48,587 {\an8}A boo. 458 00:24:51,423 --> 00:24:53,625 {\an8}Kevin didn't just do comedy in Saudi Arabia, 459 00:24:53,692 --> 00:24:55,227 {\an8}they actually gave him a sword and a shield 460 00:24:55,294 --> 00:24:57,196 {\an8}and they made him fight a scorpion. 461 00:24:57,262 --> 00:25:00,499 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -[laughs] 462 00:25:00,566 --> 00:25:02,801 {\an8}And then at night they'd put one of those little falcon helmets on him 463 00:25:02,868 --> 00:25:04,370 {\an8}so he could go to sleep. 464 00:25:04,436 --> 00:25:06,305 {\an8}[audience laughing] 465 00:25:06,372 --> 00:25:08,240 [Shane] All right. 466 00:25:08,307 --> 00:25:12,678 {\an8}Well, look, I know this dais is full of degenerate scumbags, 467 00:25:12,745 --> 00:25:15,848 {\an8}and they're gonna be up here saying a lot of racist, terrible things tonight. 468 00:25:15,914 --> 00:25:18,017 {\an8}But, yeah, you guys like that? 469 00:25:18,083 --> 00:25:20,686 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 470 00:25:20,753 --> 00:25:24,089 {\an8}But not me. I'm not gonna be doing that. 471 00:25:24,156 --> 00:25:26,125 {\an8}I've got a nice PG short joke 472 00:25:26,191 --> 00:25:29,395 {\an8}that I'd like you guys to be a part of, okay? 473 00:25:29,461 --> 00:25:31,497 {\an8}Kevin is so short. 474 00:25:31,563 --> 00:25:33,332 {\an8}[audience] How much is he? 475 00:25:33,399 --> 00:25:36,668 {\an8}Kevin's so short that they're gonna have to lynch him from a bonsai tree. 476 00:25:36,735 --> 00:25:39,371 {\an8}[audience laughing] 477 00:25:46,478 --> 00:25:49,481 {\an8}That was three weeks of deliberation on that joke. 478 00:25:50,883 --> 00:25:54,486 {\an8}I was… Look, I understand how serious the word lynch is, 479 00:25:54,553 --> 00:25:56,221 {\an8}but bonsai is so funny. 480 00:25:58,524 --> 00:26:01,827 {\an8}Anyway, you're the fucking man, and I'm happy to be here, 481 00:26:01,894 --> 00:26:03,562 {\an8}and I genuinely love you, 482 00:26:03,629 --> 00:26:06,532 {\an8}and seriously, you're a once-in-a-lifetime talent, 483 00:26:06,598 --> 00:26:09,501 {\an8}and unfortunately, that lifetime is ours. 484 00:26:09,568 --> 00:26:11,270 {\an8}[audience laughing] 485 00:26:11,336 --> 00:26:13,172 {\an8}Let's get this fucking show started. 486 00:26:13,238 --> 00:26:15,240 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 487 00:26:18,811 --> 00:26:24,116 {\an8}And now, our first roaster of the night, the Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross. 488 00:26:24,183 --> 00:26:26,552 [audience cheering, applauding] 489 00:26:26,618 --> 00:26:30,656 ["Beverly Hills Cop" theme music playing] 490 00:26:40,132 --> 00:26:43,435 [audience cheering] 491 00:26:55,914 --> 00:26:56,915 {\an8}Wow! 492 00:26:58,584 --> 00:27:01,153 {\an8}What's up, roast fans? 493 00:27:01,220 --> 00:27:04,323 {\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding] -[music concludes] 494 00:27:04,389 --> 00:27:06,325 Look at this place. 495 00:27:06,391 --> 00:27:11,063 {\an8}Everybody's here tonight. Wow, wow, wow. 496 00:27:11,130 --> 00:27:17,903 {\an8}John Stamos, Usher, I see you, George Wallace, and Peter Dinklage. 497 00:27:17,970 --> 00:27:20,239 {\an8}Blackface is never okay. 498 00:27:20,305 --> 00:27:22,241 [audience laughing] 499 00:27:23,775 --> 00:27:24,977 Kevin Hart. 500 00:27:26,044 --> 00:27:30,182 {\an8}We've been friends a long time, but the world first fell in love with you 501 00:27:30,249 --> 00:27:33,452 {\an8}when Michael Jackson dangled you over that balcony. 502 00:27:33,519 --> 00:27:35,721 {\an8}[audience laughing] 503 00:27:42,995 --> 00:27:47,599 {\an8}Tonight, live all over the world, we celebrate the crack baby that could. 504 00:27:49,368 --> 00:27:51,603 The preemie with a dreamie. 505 00:27:52,838 --> 00:27:56,275 {\an8}The man who put the elf in Philadelphia. [laughs] 506 00:27:57,342 --> 00:27:59,545 {\an8}The great Eddie Smurphy. 507 00:28:01,613 --> 00:28:04,383 {\an8}You know, Kev, those mic drops aren't as cool when you're dropping them 508 00:28:04,449 --> 00:28:05,884 {\an8}from two feet, right? 509 00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:11,089 {\an8}Yeah, tonight I dress like your idol Eddie Murphy 510 00:28:11,156 --> 00:28:12,491 {\an8}because he's not coming. 511 00:28:12,558 --> 00:28:14,026 {\an8}[audience laughing] 512 00:28:14,092 --> 00:28:16,929 Your idol doesn't give a fuck about you, Kevin. 513 00:28:19,031 --> 00:28:21,867 No, Eddie, but we did get Donkey from Shrek. 514 00:28:21,934 --> 00:28:23,969 Say hello to Sheryl Underwood. 515 00:28:24,036 --> 00:28:27,239 [audience laughing] 516 00:28:28,373 --> 00:28:29,441 [kisses] 517 00:28:30,943 --> 00:28:33,545 {\an8}Sheryl's pronouns are hee-haw. 518 00:28:41,286 --> 00:28:43,021 {\an8}I love you, Sheryl Underwood. 519 00:28:44,856 --> 00:28:47,025 {\an8}By the way, Underwood is also where they found 520 00:28:47,092 --> 00:28:51,296 {\an8}-Pete Davidson's dad on 9/11. -[audience laughing] 521 00:28:51,363 --> 00:28:54,333 {\an8}-[inaudible] -I love you. 522 00:28:54,399 --> 00:28:57,069 {\an8}Pete's dad was a firefighter that died heroically 523 00:28:57,135 --> 00:29:00,906 {\an8}and somehow Pete gets all the pussy his dad deserves. 524 00:29:00,973 --> 00:29:03,375 [audience laughing] 525 00:29:03,442 --> 00:29:07,112 {\an8}In honor of his dad, Pete only fucks nines and elevens. 526 00:29:07,179 --> 00:29:11,016 {\an8}[audience laughing] 527 00:29:11,083 --> 00:29:14,720 -[Jeff] Hit it! -["Beverly Hills Cop" theme music playing] 528 00:29:14,786 --> 00:29:17,256 [audience cheering, applauding] 529 00:29:19,191 --> 00:29:23,595 {\an8}-[music concludes] -I love this! Comics roasting comics. 530 00:29:24,730 --> 00:29:27,733 {\an8}You don't see a lot of guys who look like Shane Gillis in L.A., 531 00:29:27,799 --> 00:29:30,435 {\an8}unless they're handcuffing a Mexican toddler. 532 00:29:30,502 --> 00:29:31,903 {\an8}[audience laughing] 533 00:29:32,938 --> 00:29:34,539 Ay, ay, ICE! 534 00:29:42,114 --> 00:29:45,717 {\an8}Jersey's finest, Chelsea Handler. I love you so much, Chelsea. 535 00:29:45,784 --> 00:29:49,388 -I do. I do. -[audience cheering, applauding] 536 00:29:49,454 --> 00:29:52,057 {\an8}Chelsea told me she's been getting into microdosing, 537 00:29:52,124 --> 00:29:55,027 {\an8}which is what she calls fucking a white guy. 538 00:29:55,093 --> 00:29:56,128 {\an8}[audience laughing] 539 00:29:57,229 --> 00:30:03,935 Congrats, Chels. I read you just bought your new house from RFK Jr. 540 00:30:04,002 --> 00:30:06,772 {\an8}[in deep voice] "Hey, do you want to see my bag of raccoon dicks?" 541 00:30:07,939 --> 00:30:11,777 {\an8}And then RFK was like, "No thanks, Chelsea, I have my own." 542 00:30:11,843 --> 00:30:14,079 [audience laughing] 543 00:30:17,649 --> 00:30:19,651 {\an8}Steph Curry couldn't make it tonight, 544 00:30:19,718 --> 00:30:22,587 {\an8}but he did carry Draymond Green all the way here. 545 00:30:23,655 --> 00:30:25,457 [audience laughing] 546 00:30:30,062 --> 00:30:33,432 {\an8}Love you, buddy. I'm not going to make fun of you because you're violent. 547 00:30:33,498 --> 00:30:35,634 {\an8}[audience laughing] 548 00:30:35,701 --> 00:30:39,538 {\an8}You've been ejected more times than a Kevin Hart DVD. [chuckles] 549 00:30:39,604 --> 00:30:43,342 [audience laughing] 550 00:30:44,810 --> 00:30:47,346 {\an8}Tony Hinchcliffe, so proud of you. 551 00:30:47,412 --> 00:30:51,650 {\an8}-Tony, I love you like a little brother… -[audience cheering] 552 00:30:51,717 --> 00:30:53,985 {\an8}…but I've had it up to here with your politics. 553 00:30:54,052 --> 00:30:56,521 {\an8}[audience laughing] 554 00:30:59,725 --> 00:31:04,730 {\an8}Everyone's here, baby. Look at this place. Everyone loves you, Kevin Hart. 555 00:31:04,796 --> 00:31:06,932 {\an8}-MGK. -[audience cheering] 556 00:31:06,998 --> 00:31:08,200 Fuck. 557 00:31:09,568 --> 00:31:12,371 For a guy who's only going to need one pallbearer someday, 558 00:31:12,437 --> 00:31:16,174 {\an8}-you sure have a lot to choose from. -[audience laughing] 559 00:31:16,241 --> 00:31:18,176 {\an8}What a story. What a story. 560 00:31:18,243 --> 00:31:22,581 Your dad was a street hustler and addicted to crack cocaine. 561 00:31:22,647 --> 00:31:25,784 So, I guess being dependent on the rock runs in the family. 562 00:31:25,851 --> 00:31:28,153 [audience laughing] 563 00:31:28,220 --> 00:31:31,656 -[Jeff] Hit it. -["Beverly Hills Cop" theme music playing] 564 00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:34,826 [audience cheering, applauding] 565 00:31:36,561 --> 00:31:40,065 {\an8}-[music concludes] -Kevin, I know your dad walked out on you 566 00:31:40,132 --> 00:31:43,635 {\an8}and then I went to see one of your movies and then I walked out on you. 567 00:31:43,702 --> 00:31:45,370 {\an8}[audience laughing] 568 00:31:45,437 --> 00:31:48,740 {\an8}Maybe you're spending too much time in the gym working out. 569 00:31:48,807 --> 00:31:52,077 {\an8}It's arm day, it's leg day. When is it script day? 570 00:31:52,144 --> 00:31:54,379 {\an8}[audience laughing] 571 00:31:54,446 --> 00:31:58,049 Do you even read these pieces of shit before you say yes? 572 00:31:58,116 --> 00:31:59,851 Come on, spell Jumanji. 573 00:32:02,954 --> 00:32:04,756 Fuck you. 574 00:32:04,823 --> 00:32:10,328 And sure… sure, Kevin went to a Diddy party. So, what? 575 00:32:10,395 --> 00:32:13,832 {\an8}They just locked him in a room and put Paw Patrol on his iPad. 576 00:32:13,899 --> 00:32:16,401 {\an8}[audience laughing] 577 00:32:21,907 --> 00:32:25,710 {\an8}Kevin always flies private. What a waste of leg room. 578 00:32:25,777 --> 00:32:29,214 {\an8}[audience laughing] 579 00:32:29,281 --> 00:32:36,254 Yes, Kev, people mock you for being short. But you know who else was short? Prince. 580 00:32:36,455 --> 00:32:38,890 Prince was 5'2'', we just don't talk about it a lot 581 00:32:38,957 --> 00:32:43,495 -because Prince was great. -[audience laughing] 582 00:32:46,565 --> 00:32:50,202 {\an8}But you, Kev, you're not just an entertainer, you're a brand. 583 00:32:50,268 --> 00:32:51,503 {\an8}You're like Martha Stewart, 584 00:32:51,570 --> 00:32:53,872 {\an8}but without the respect of the Black community. 585 00:32:53,939 --> 00:32:55,974 {\an8}[audience laughing] 586 00:32:56,041 --> 00:32:59,110 {\an8}And I can say that because I'm dressed like Eddie Murphy. 587 00:32:59,177 --> 00:33:01,379 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -Hit it, ah, never mind. 588 00:33:02,481 --> 00:33:04,483 {\an8}Play something sweet. 589 00:33:04,549 --> 00:33:07,419 {\an8}-[gentle music playing] -Today's Mother's Day. 590 00:33:08,453 --> 00:33:11,323 {\an8}-Shout out to the moms… -[audience cheering, applauding] 591 00:33:11,389 --> 00:33:13,492 {\an8}…and the motherfuckers. 592 00:33:14,693 --> 00:33:17,529 {\an8}Kev and I both lost our moms way too soon 593 00:33:17,596 --> 00:33:21,600 {\an8}and I'm sorry yours isn't here tonight to see all the love in the room. 594 00:33:21,666 --> 00:33:25,537 I know how important she was in your life. She was strict. 595 00:33:25,604 --> 00:33:27,005 One time you were acting up 596 00:33:27,072 --> 00:33:30,075 and she beat you with a Hot Wheels track, is that right? 597 00:33:31,676 --> 00:33:35,514 But Kevin being Kevin was undaunted, put the track back together, 598 00:33:35,580 --> 00:33:38,216 got in his Hot Wheels car and drove right to Hollywood. 599 00:33:38,283 --> 00:33:41,119 [audience laughing] 600 00:33:42,621 --> 00:33:45,123 {\an8}You always say, "Everybody wants to be famous… 601 00:33:45,190 --> 00:33:48,093 {\an8}-[Kevin] Nobody wants to do the work. -…but nobody wants to do the work." 602 00:33:48,159 --> 00:33:53,198 -You do the work, you're a motivator. -[audience cheering, applauding] 603 00:33:53,265 --> 00:33:57,102 And you don't know this, Kevin, but you motivated me. 604 00:33:57,168 --> 00:34:00,105 At the last roast, you said, every time you look at me, 605 00:34:00,171 --> 00:34:03,308 -I look sicker and sicker. -[audience laughing] 606 00:34:03,375 --> 00:34:05,477 And everybody laughed, and that hurt. 607 00:34:05,544 --> 00:34:08,813 But you inspired me to go and get my first colonoscopy. 608 00:34:10,282 --> 00:34:12,817 And that cancer screening was more entertaining 609 00:34:12,884 --> 00:34:15,387 than any screening you've ever invited me to. 610 00:34:15,453 --> 00:34:17,589 [audience laughing] 611 00:34:18,857 --> 00:34:22,193 They found a stage three tumor in my colon. 612 00:34:22,260 --> 00:34:25,330 But luckily, like you, Kevin, it stopped growing. 613 00:34:25,397 --> 00:34:27,632 [audience laughing] 614 00:34:27,699 --> 00:34:30,335 If you hadn't made fun of me and saved me from colon cancer, 615 00:34:30,402 --> 00:34:32,237 I wouldn't have been able to come up here tonight 616 00:34:32,304 --> 00:34:35,140 -and shit all over you. [chuckles] -[audience laughing] 617 00:34:35,206 --> 00:34:38,443 Thank you for saving my life, little buddy. 618 00:34:38,510 --> 00:34:45,016 -I love you. -[audience cheering, applauding] 619 00:34:45,083 --> 00:34:47,218 [inaudible] 620 00:34:49,588 --> 00:34:54,893 {\an8}-[audience cheering] -[music concludes] 621 00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:57,529 {\an8}The Roastmaster General, everybody, give it up for Jeff Ross. 622 00:34:57,596 --> 00:35:02,434 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 623 00:35:02,500 --> 00:35:05,870 {\an8}And how about an even bigger applause to all the Roastmaster soldiers 624 00:35:05,937 --> 00:35:07,505 {\an8}that just wrote all those jokes for him. 625 00:35:07,572 --> 00:35:10,241 {\an8}-[chuckles] -[audience laughing] 626 00:35:10,308 --> 00:35:13,011 {\an8}What you talking about, Gillis? 627 00:35:13,078 --> 00:35:15,647 {\an8}If you're wondering why Jeff is dressed as Eddie Murphy, 628 00:35:15,714 --> 00:35:17,182 {\an8}good, you should be. 629 00:35:17,248 --> 00:35:20,085 {\an8}It doesn't make any sense, and it's kind of embarrassing. 630 00:35:21,786 --> 00:35:24,255 {\an8}Jeff's face looks like it fell out of a fucking lava lamp. 631 00:35:24,322 --> 00:35:27,092 {\an8}-[chuckles] -[audience laughing] 632 00:35:28,526 --> 00:35:31,096 {\an8}-[Jeff speaking indistinctly] -[chuckles] 633 00:35:31,162 --> 00:35:33,932 {\an8}They could have used it on me. [chuckles] 634 00:35:33,999 --> 00:35:37,602 -What you talking about, Gillis? -That's good. That's good. 635 00:35:38,903 --> 00:35:41,406 {\an8}Jeff's the only guy to kiss the wailing wall and use tongue. 636 00:35:41,473 --> 00:35:43,174 {\an8}[audience laughing] 637 00:35:43,241 --> 00:35:45,910 {\an8}Lot of Jews here tonight. That's not good. 638 00:35:45,977 --> 00:35:48,980 {\an8}[chuckles] Well, I meant for the jokes, not just in general. 639 00:35:49,047 --> 00:35:51,383 {\an8}-You get it. Whatever. Fuck you. -[audience laughing] 640 00:35:51,449 --> 00:35:53,184 {\an8}"Oh, not us." Shut up. 641 00:35:54,386 --> 00:35:58,256 {\an8}[chuckles] Our next roaster is Na'im Lynn. 642 00:35:58,323 --> 00:36:02,327 {\an8}-Yeah, Na'im. -[audience cheering, applauding] 643 00:36:02,394 --> 00:36:05,930 {\an8}Na'im, that's a dumb name. It sounds like the noises a deaf guy makes 644 00:36:05,997 --> 00:36:08,033 {\an8}when he gets stuck trying to put on a turtleneck. 645 00:36:08,099 --> 00:36:13,038 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -Na'im. [chuckles] Na'im. 646 00:36:15,240 --> 00:36:17,342 {\an8}I'd say Na'im is like family to Kevin, 647 00:36:17,409 --> 00:36:19,611 {\an8}but they actually spend a lot of time together. 648 00:36:19,678 --> 00:36:22,580 {\an8}Please welcome Na'im Lynn, everybody. Give it up for Na'im. 649 00:36:22,647 --> 00:36:27,452 -[upbeat music playing] -[audience cheering, applauding] 650 00:36:33,458 --> 00:36:36,161 {\an8}-[music concludes] -Yeah, yeah, yeah. 651 00:36:36,227 --> 00:36:39,731 {\an8}Hey, everyone. I'm probably the most unrecognizable face up here. 652 00:36:39,798 --> 00:36:45,503 {\an8}-I have a TV show, but it comes on BET. -[audience laughing] 653 00:36:45,570 --> 00:36:49,674 {\an8}I've been working with Kevin for 25 years, and this motherfucker said 654 00:36:49,741 --> 00:36:52,377 {\an8}he put me in this roast because it could help my career. 655 00:36:52,444 --> 00:36:55,547 {\an8}You could have helped my career by putting me in a movie 15 years ago. 656 00:36:55,613 --> 00:36:57,949 {\an8}[audience laughing] 657 00:36:58,016 --> 00:37:00,552 You about to do Ride Along 3, and I still ain't rode along. 658 00:37:00,618 --> 00:37:05,390 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -Look at you over there, all proud, 659 00:37:05,457 --> 00:37:07,992 {\an8}like a father that finally showed up on draft night. 660 00:37:08,059 --> 00:37:09,360 {\an8}[audience laughing] 661 00:37:13,565 --> 00:37:16,134 You arrogant fuck. When Kevin first told me about the roast, 662 00:37:16,201 --> 00:37:19,104 {\an8}he said, "Tom Brady did 100 million views, 663 00:37:19,170 --> 00:37:21,573 {\an8}so I'm probably gonna do 200 million views." 664 00:37:21,639 --> 00:37:24,509 {\an8}This motherfucker think he more famous than Tom Brady. 665 00:37:24,576 --> 00:37:26,010 {\an8}[audience laughing] 666 00:37:26,077 --> 00:37:29,748 {\an8}Tom has seven Super Bowl rings. That's like seven Oscars. 667 00:37:29,814 --> 00:37:34,385 {\an8}-You're 46 with a Kids' Choice Award. -[audience laughing] 668 00:37:41,593 --> 00:37:44,863 You don't have an Oscar, an Emmy, a Tony, or a Grammy. 669 00:37:44,929 --> 00:37:49,434 -The only Grammy you had died in 1985. -[audience laughing] 670 00:37:51,069 --> 00:37:56,141 {\an8}"Oh, no, Mama. Grammy died. Where are we gonna live now?" 671 00:37:56,207 --> 00:37:58,943 [audience laughing] 672 00:38:00,245 --> 00:38:02,947 The only thing you and Tom Brady got in common, 673 00:38:03,014 --> 00:38:04,382 {\an8}you both love your career more than your wife. 674 00:38:04,449 --> 00:38:07,485 {\an8}[audience laughing] 675 00:38:07,552 --> 00:38:11,156 -[Na'im] I'm sorry, Eniko. -[audience laughing] 676 00:38:11,222 --> 00:38:13,258 {\an8}Kev, did you know you're the only second Black person 677 00:38:13,324 --> 00:38:15,126 {\an8}to be roasted in the last 30 years? 678 00:38:15,193 --> 00:38:17,462 {\an8}It's just you and your brother, Flavor Flav. 679 00:38:17,529 --> 00:38:19,597 {\an8}[audience laughing] 680 00:38:19,664 --> 00:38:22,000 This guy's a fucking scam artist. 681 00:38:22,066 --> 00:38:24,269 How the fuck you promoting fitness and tequila? 682 00:38:24,335 --> 00:38:27,639 [audience laughing] 683 00:38:32,277 --> 00:38:35,680 {\an8}You told me all these big names are gonna be up here. 684 00:38:35,747 --> 00:38:38,082 {\an8}Look at this batch of bullshit up here, man. 685 00:38:38,149 --> 00:38:40,285 {\an8}What the fuck is Draymond Green doing here? 686 00:38:40,351 --> 00:38:42,287 {\an8}[audience laughing] 687 00:38:42,353 --> 00:38:45,123 {\an8}Stupid-ass name. What the fuck is a "Draymond?" 688 00:38:45,190 --> 00:38:48,293 [audience laughing] 689 00:38:48,359 --> 00:38:49,761 {\an8}Your mother didn't know who your father was, 690 00:38:49,828 --> 00:38:52,230 {\an8}so she just combined two of the guys' names. 691 00:38:52,297 --> 00:38:54,866 {\an8}[audience laughing] 692 00:38:55,967 --> 00:39:00,338 {\an8}"Who the daddy, girl?" "Mm-mm. It's either Andre or Lamond." 693 00:39:00,405 --> 00:39:05,410 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -[chuckles] "I'ma just call him Draymond." 694 00:39:05,476 --> 00:39:09,514 {\an8}[audience laughing] 695 00:39:09,581 --> 00:39:14,586 [cheering, applauding] 696 00:39:16,621 --> 00:39:20,024 {\an8}-Your name sounds like a ugly paint color. -[audience laughing] 697 00:39:21,025 --> 00:39:24,629 {\an8}And I was thinking about making the kitchen Draymond Green. 698 00:39:24,696 --> 00:39:28,299 {\an8}[audience laughing] 699 00:39:33,404 --> 00:39:35,573 {\an8}Man, I thought The Rock would at least be here, 700 00:39:35,640 --> 00:39:37,375 {\an8}because I got some shit to say about him. 701 00:39:37,442 --> 00:39:39,644 {\an8}But actually, you know, it's good he's not here, 702 00:39:39,711 --> 00:39:42,914 {\an8}because I'd rather talk shit behind his back. I feel safer. 703 00:39:42,981 --> 00:39:47,151 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -Big J, you be The Rock, all right? 704 00:39:47,218 --> 00:39:50,655 This is the closest you'll get to being in shape, so savor the moment. 705 00:39:51,189 --> 00:39:53,191 {\an8}Rock, I'm sick of your shit. 706 00:39:53,258 --> 00:39:56,194 {\an8}Fucking sellout, always playing the white guy in movies. 707 00:39:56,261 --> 00:39:57,562 {\an8}Nigga, please. 708 00:39:58,630 --> 00:40:02,567 {\an8}-Ain't no White guys named Dwayne. -[audience laughing] 709 00:40:02,634 --> 00:40:05,637 {\an8}If you apply for a job at Target and you write Dwayne Johnson on it, 710 00:40:05,703 --> 00:40:09,040 {\an8}-that shit's going in the trash. -[audience laughing] 711 00:40:09,107 --> 00:40:12,277 {\an8}That's a DEI joke, you stupid motherfucker. 712 00:40:12,343 --> 00:40:13,845 {\an8}[audience laughing] 713 00:40:13,912 --> 00:40:16,514 {\an8}Let me chill, I don't want no smoke with rock. 714 00:40:16,581 --> 00:40:21,386 {\an8}-That's what almost killed Lamar Odom. -[audience laughing] 715 00:40:23,988 --> 00:40:27,292 {\an8}Jeff Ross is here collecting this one check for the year. 716 00:40:27,358 --> 00:40:29,460 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -[Na'im] Yeah. 717 00:40:29,527 --> 00:40:32,330 {\an8}This might be Jeff's last roast if he don't get that kidney. 718 00:40:32,397 --> 00:40:35,233 [audience laughing] 719 00:40:38,202 --> 00:40:39,404 {\an8}Jeff, you look like the only kid 720 00:40:39,470 --> 00:40:42,240 {\an8}that Michael Jackson visited in the hospital that lived. 721 00:40:42,307 --> 00:40:44,375 {\an8}[audience laughing] 722 00:40:44,442 --> 00:40:48,313 -Make a wish, motherfucker. -[audience laughing] 723 00:40:51,683 --> 00:40:55,653 {\an8}-Chelsea Handler, yeah. -[audience cheering] 724 00:40:55,720 --> 00:41:00,325 {\an8}Hey, Chelsea. I see you over there aging at the speed of white. 725 00:41:03,962 --> 00:41:05,964 {\an8}Take a picture of Chelsea now, 726 00:41:06,030 --> 00:41:08,766 {\an8}I guarantee you won't recognize her by the end of the night. 727 00:41:08,833 --> 00:41:11,035 {\an8}[audience laughing] 728 00:41:12,337 --> 00:41:16,574 Over there with all that makeup on, casket ready. 729 00:41:16,641 --> 00:41:19,777 -[audience laughing] -[Na'im chuckles] 730 00:41:20,912 --> 00:41:23,448 {\an8}I can't wait till they do a remake of Golden Girls 731 00:41:23,514 --> 00:41:25,650 {\an8}so you can get a fucking job again, all right? 732 00:41:25,717 --> 00:41:27,385 {\an8}[audience laughing] 733 00:41:27,452 --> 00:41:29,487 {\an8}You'd be like a less fuckable Betty White. 734 00:41:29,554 --> 00:41:31,222 {\an8}[audience laughing] 735 00:41:31,289 --> 00:41:35,460 {\an8}And I'm not talking Betty in her prime. I'm talking Betty right now. 736 00:41:35,526 --> 00:41:39,197 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -Yeah, Betty's dead. 737 00:41:42,367 --> 00:41:46,404 {\an8}We got one of the kings of comedy here, Sheryl Underwood. 738 00:41:46,471 --> 00:41:49,340 {\an8}[audience laughing] 739 00:41:51,509 --> 00:41:55,013 {\an8}[chuckles] 740 00:41:55,079 --> 00:41:57,482 {\an8}Sheryl, they've been talking about doing a biopic on Kev's life. 741 00:41:57,548 --> 00:42:01,753 {\an8}-I think you'd be great to play his dad. -[audience laughing] 742 00:42:04,589 --> 00:42:07,825 {\an8}Pete Davidson here. Pete is just another former SNL cast member 743 00:42:07,892 --> 00:42:13,097 {\an8}-that's gonna overdose at some point. -[audience laughing] 744 00:42:15,199 --> 00:42:18,469 {\an8}-I don't like you, Pete. -[audience laughing] 745 00:42:19,237 --> 00:42:22,407 {\an8}Where the fuck is Dave Chappelle, man? I thought, yeah, I thought… 746 00:42:22,473 --> 00:42:24,442 {\an8}[audience cheering] 747 00:42:24,509 --> 00:42:27,412 {\an8}…I thought he'd be here stealing more money from Netflix. 748 00:42:27,478 --> 00:42:28,479 {\an8}[audience laughing] 749 00:42:28,546 --> 00:42:30,882 {\an8}I know you're watching, Dave. I saw your last special. 750 00:42:30,948 --> 00:42:35,119 {\an8}-Some jokes would have been nice. -[audience laughing] 751 00:42:35,186 --> 00:42:37,722 {\an8}Hour-long speech, 20 million. 752 00:42:37,789 --> 00:42:40,958 {\an8}He's the reason the damn subscription goes up every six months. 753 00:42:41,025 --> 00:42:43,027 {\an8}[audience laughing] 754 00:42:43,094 --> 00:42:45,963 {\an8}[chuckles] By the way, Dave, Kev hates you. 755 00:42:46,030 --> 00:42:49,534 {\an8}[audience laughing] 756 00:42:49,600 --> 00:42:51,869 {\an8}He hates you more than the transgender community. 757 00:42:51,936 --> 00:42:55,039 {\an8}[audience laughing] 758 00:42:55,106 --> 00:42:57,341 {\an8}I actually don't know why the trans hate you. 759 00:42:57,408 --> 00:43:01,813 {\an8}-You're married to a Filipino lady boy. -[audience laughing] 760 00:43:06,317 --> 00:43:10,021 {\an8}Okay, they said I gotta say something nice before I go, 761 00:43:10,088 --> 00:43:10,988 {\an8}so here it goes. 762 00:43:11,055 --> 00:43:12,924 {\an8}Kev, you've not only been an inspiration to me, 763 00:43:12,990 --> 00:43:15,093 {\an8}but to all comics and Black people as a whole, 764 00:43:15,159 --> 00:43:17,929 {\an8}because you didn't stop at just being a great entertainer. 765 00:43:17,995 --> 00:43:19,931 {\an8}You became a mogul, a businessman, 766 00:43:19,997 --> 00:43:22,400 {\an8}creating generational wealth for not only your family, 767 00:43:22,467 --> 00:43:25,536 {\an8}-but other employees. -[audience cheering, applauding] 768 00:43:25,603 --> 00:43:29,607 {\an8}When slavery ended, we were promised 40 acres and a mule. 769 00:43:29,674 --> 00:43:31,609 {\an8}We didn't get our 40 acres, but we got our mule. 770 00:43:31,676 --> 00:43:34,112 {\an8}-That's you, my boy. -[audience laughing] 771 00:43:35,446 --> 00:43:38,883 {\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding] -[indistinct chatter] 772 00:43:43,955 --> 00:43:46,390 {\an8}[Shane] Keep it going for Na'im, everybody. 773 00:43:47,492 --> 00:43:49,327 {\an8}Yeah, he did great. 774 00:43:49,393 --> 00:43:53,431 {\an8}Also, Na'im, great choice there at the end to talk shit on Dave. 775 00:43:53,498 --> 00:43:55,666 {\an8}[audience laughing] 776 00:43:55,733 --> 00:43:57,602 {\an8}He'll let that go, for sure. 777 00:43:57,668 --> 00:44:00,338 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -[scoffs] 778 00:44:00,404 --> 00:44:03,141 {\an8}That was an interesting shot. [chuckles] 779 00:44:03,207 --> 00:44:07,078 {\an8}-Our next roaster is Chelsea Handler. -[audience cheering] 780 00:44:08,379 --> 00:44:10,214 {\an8}[audience applauding] 781 00:44:10,281 --> 00:44:12,884 {\an8}She loves sex. Isn't that interesting? 782 00:44:14,585 --> 00:44:17,588 {\an8}She talked about it for 30 years, you fuck. [chuckles] 783 00:44:17,655 --> 00:44:21,592 {\an8}She even released her own sex tape. Sex tape is also what she uses 784 00:44:21,659 --> 00:44:23,995 {\an8}to keep from tripping over her own pussy lips. 785 00:44:24,061 --> 00:44:26,464 {\an8}[audience laughing] 786 00:44:27,532 --> 00:44:29,066 {\an8}You can skip that part. 787 00:44:30,201 --> 00:44:34,739 {\an8}Go ahead. Go ahead. There we go. Chelsea is a Zionist. 788 00:44:34,805 --> 00:44:36,474 {\an8}[audience laughing] 789 00:44:38,476 --> 00:44:40,178 {\an8}I'm not saying that's good or bad. 790 00:44:41,445 --> 00:44:44,182 {\an8}Speaking of dead kids, she's a big fan of abortions. 791 00:44:46,551 --> 00:44:49,654 {\an8}Chelsea's been scraped more times than the grill at Benihana. 792 00:44:53,391 --> 00:44:55,993 {\an8}Speaking of tossing tiny shrimp into a child's mouth, 793 00:44:56,060 --> 00:44:59,597 {\an8}Chelsea Handler went to dinner at Jeffrey Epstein's house in 2010. 794 00:44:59,664 --> 00:45:02,033 {\an8}-[chuckles] -[audience laughing] 795 00:45:03,668 --> 00:45:06,871 {\an8}Just a fun one. You can look it up, there's articles. 796 00:45:06,938 --> 00:45:09,207 {\an8}It wasn't like a big party, there was like seven people there. 797 00:45:09,273 --> 00:45:14,612 {\an8}And it was like Prince Andrew and Woody Allen were there. 798 00:45:14,679 --> 00:45:16,814 {\an8}Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, Chelsea Handler. 799 00:45:16,881 --> 00:45:21,719 {\an8}-[upbeat music playing] -[audience cheering] 800 00:45:24,622 --> 00:45:26,624 {\an8}[music concludes] 801 00:45:26,691 --> 00:45:28,793 {\an8}Oh, my God, thank you Shane. 802 00:45:28,859 --> 00:45:30,761 {\an8}And I thought I was gonna have the best tits 803 00:45:30,828 --> 00:45:32,663 {\an8}-on this dais tonight. -[audience laughing] 804 00:45:36,300 --> 00:45:39,136 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 805 00:45:42,240 --> 00:45:43,307 {\an8}[Chelsea] When I first saw you tonight, 806 00:45:43,374 --> 00:45:46,010 {\an8}I thought, "Oh, my God, is that Druski in whiteface?" 807 00:45:46,077 --> 00:45:47,845 {\an8}[audience laughing] 808 00:45:48,479 --> 00:45:50,248 Happy Mother's Day, everybody. 809 00:45:50,314 --> 00:45:53,718 {\an8}What a beautiful way to spend Mother's Day. 810 00:45:53,784 --> 00:45:55,486 [audience cheering, applauding] 811 00:45:55,553 --> 00:45:58,222 {\an8}Shane, I feel like I could be your mother, 812 00:45:58,289 --> 00:46:02,960 {\an8}mostly because you look like you have fetal alcohol syndrome. 813 00:46:03,027 --> 00:46:05,129 {\an8}[audience laughing] 814 00:46:05,196 --> 00:46:09,567 {\an8}Hi, everybody, it's me, your resident whore for the evening. 815 00:46:12,270 --> 00:46:16,374 {\an8}Guys, I just want to clarify, I'm rich, I'm famous, and I'm hot. 816 00:46:16,440 --> 00:46:19,877 {\an8}Obviously, I'm gonna be fucking a lot of guys, okay? [chuckles] 817 00:46:19,944 --> 00:46:23,848 {\an8}-[audience cheering] -Let's get the party started. 818 00:46:23,914 --> 00:46:27,585 {\an8}I'm just glad, I'm just glad that my whore elevator 819 00:46:27,652 --> 00:46:30,154 {\an8}never stopped on any of your fucking floors. 820 00:46:30,221 --> 00:46:32,723 {\an8}[audience laughing] 821 00:46:34,659 --> 00:46:36,627 {\an8}And, Shane, just so you know, 822 00:46:36,694 --> 00:46:39,764 {\an8}Judaism and Zionism are two different things. 823 00:46:39,830 --> 00:46:44,835 {\an8}Kind of like how Chinatown and Koreatown are two different things, 824 00:46:44,902 --> 00:46:47,471 {\an8}but your favorite slur works in both places. 825 00:46:48,773 --> 00:46:52,143 {\an8}Shane has been accused of being anti-Asian, 826 00:46:52,209 --> 00:46:54,478 {\an8}which is ironic considering he has 827 00:46:54,545 --> 00:46:58,416 {\an8}the complexion and physique of a steamed dumpling. 828 00:46:58,482 --> 00:47:00,718 {\an8}[audience laughing] 829 00:47:03,954 --> 00:47:06,991 {\an8}Word on the street is that Shane's a lazy lover 830 00:47:07,058 --> 00:47:09,894 {\an8}and the only way to get him to go down on a woman 831 00:47:09,960 --> 00:47:14,365 {\an8}is to put pussy on the buffet at Golden Corral. 832 00:47:14,432 --> 00:47:15,733 {\an8}[audience laughing] 833 00:47:20,404 --> 00:47:23,107 {\an8}The first time I met Kevin was almost 20 years ago 834 00:47:23,174 --> 00:47:25,109 {\an8}and I remember thinking, 835 00:47:25,176 --> 00:47:30,581 {\an8}"What is 50 Cent's dick doing walking around all by itself?" 836 00:47:30,648 --> 00:47:32,450 {\an8}[audience laughing] 837 00:47:34,952 --> 00:47:37,188 {\an8}A lot of people think Kevin was discovered 838 00:47:37,254 --> 00:47:39,623 {\an8}during one of The Rock's colonoscopies. 839 00:47:41,192 --> 00:47:42,326 {\an8}But that's not true. 840 00:47:42,393 --> 00:47:44,628 {\an8}I was actually one of the very few people, 841 00:47:44,695 --> 00:47:47,465 {\an8}very first people, that gave Kevin a platform 842 00:47:47,531 --> 00:47:52,269 {\an8}for his "comedy" when I gave him a weekly spot on Chelsea Lately. 843 00:47:52,336 --> 00:47:55,373 {\an8}-And I had no idea… -[audience cheering] 844 00:47:55,439 --> 00:47:56,340 {\an8}Thank you. 845 00:47:56,407 --> 00:47:59,977 {\an8}I had no idea when I did this that we would be subjected 846 00:48:00,044 --> 00:48:02,680 {\an8}to three Jumanjis, two Ride Alongs, 847 00:48:02,747 --> 00:48:05,483 {\an8}two Die Harts, endless amounts of Hart to Heart, 848 00:48:05,549 --> 00:48:07,385 {\an8}and whatever make-a-wish situation 849 00:48:07,451 --> 00:48:10,020 {\an8}you have going on with the plastic fucking cup boys. 850 00:48:10,921 --> 00:48:13,190 {\an8}So first, I'm here to apologize. 851 00:48:14,058 --> 00:48:16,594 {\an8}And second, I'm here to do something we don't see 852 00:48:16,660 --> 00:48:21,866 {\an8}White people do enough of in Hollywood. Take credit for a Black person's career. 853 00:48:21,932 --> 00:48:24,935 {\an8}[audience laughing] 854 00:48:26,737 --> 00:48:30,074 {\an8}Kevin, I'm gonna circle back to you in a minute because I am really here 855 00:48:30,141 --> 00:48:33,811 {\an8}on behalf of women in America and abroad. [chuckles] 856 00:48:35,079 --> 00:48:39,417 {\an8}Welcome to tonight's episode of To Catch a Predator. 857 00:48:41,485 --> 00:48:44,722 {\an8}This is a real who's who of statutory rapists. 858 00:48:44,789 --> 00:48:46,524 {\an8}[audience laughing] 859 00:48:46,590 --> 00:48:50,227 {\an8}We're all just lucky none of you could afford an island. 860 00:48:50,294 --> 00:48:52,963 {\an8}[audience laughing] 861 00:48:53,030 --> 00:48:55,166 {\an8}Netflix assembled this panel of men 862 00:48:55,232 --> 00:48:57,168 {\an8}to remind us that there are worse things 863 00:48:57,234 --> 00:49:00,070 {\an8}than Louis C.K. jerking off in front of you. 864 00:49:01,105 --> 00:49:03,841 {\an8}Congratulations, you guys. You did it. 865 00:49:03,908 --> 00:49:07,211 {\an8}You helped sway the last election. Way to go. 866 00:49:07,278 --> 00:49:09,380 {\an8}You should be proud, boys. 867 00:49:11,515 --> 00:49:14,919 {\an8}Now that your favorite leader is making the draft mandatory, 868 00:49:14,985 --> 00:49:17,488 {\an8}I assume that all of you will be signing up to go fight in Iran. 869 00:49:17,555 --> 00:49:20,391 {\an8}Or do you tough-talking pussies only go to the Middle East 870 00:49:20,458 --> 00:49:24,829 {\an8}-for comedy festivals? -[audience laughing] 871 00:49:24,895 --> 00:49:27,198 {\an8}[audience applauding] 872 00:49:33,037 --> 00:49:35,406 {\an8}Tony Hinchcliffe is here. 873 00:49:37,675 --> 00:49:42,446 {\an8}Tony is what happens when women don't have safe access to abortion care. 874 00:49:43,914 --> 00:49:47,885 {\an8}Tony and Shane both live in Texas where abortion is illegal, 875 00:49:47,952 --> 00:49:50,788 {\an8}but on the upside, if you see one of them doing comedy, 876 00:49:50,855 --> 00:49:52,189 {\an8}there's a pretty good chance 877 00:49:52,256 --> 00:49:55,593 {\an8}your uterus will start dry heaving on its own. 878 00:49:57,561 --> 00:49:59,096 {\an8}Tony is a real guy's guy, 879 00:49:59,163 --> 00:50:01,799 {\an8}or what's more commonly known as a bottom. 880 00:50:01,866 --> 00:50:04,568 {\an8}[audience laughing] 881 00:50:07,204 --> 00:50:09,340 {\an8}Tony, you have the face of a school shooter 882 00:50:09,406 --> 00:50:12,977 {\an8}and the personality of someone who gets shot first. 883 00:50:13,043 --> 00:50:14,979 [audience laughing] 884 00:50:19,550 --> 00:50:23,554 {\an8}Look at you, you look good. You got like a little Hollywood glow up. 885 00:50:23,621 --> 00:50:26,891 {\an8}I didn't know veneers came in deli mustard yellow. 886 00:50:26,957 --> 00:50:28,759 {\an8}[audience laughing] 887 00:50:28,826 --> 00:50:31,295 {\an8}But it actually looks a little bit better in person. 888 00:50:31,362 --> 00:50:34,198 {\an8}You must be using Crest White supremacist strips. 889 00:50:34,265 --> 00:50:36,433 {\an8}[audience laughing] 890 00:50:36,500 --> 00:50:39,503 {\an8}Tony and Shane, this must be so exciting for you guys. 891 00:50:39,570 --> 00:50:40,938 {\an8}Usually on Sunday nights, 892 00:50:41,005 --> 00:50:44,475 {\an8}you just burn a cross on someone's lawn. 893 00:50:44,542 --> 00:50:47,511 {\an8}And tonight, you get to roast a whole Black guy. 894 00:50:48,946 --> 00:50:50,014 {\an8}[audience laughing] 895 00:50:50,080 --> 00:50:52,716 {\an8}[Chelsea] Well, a half of one, because it's Kevin. 896 00:50:53,817 --> 00:50:55,953 {\an8}Tony, quick question. If you're here tonight, 897 00:50:56,020 --> 00:50:58,856 {\an8}who's keeping Joe Rogan's balls warm in their mouth? 898 00:50:58,923 --> 00:51:01,725 {\an8}[audience laughing] 899 00:51:03,727 --> 00:51:05,930 {\an8}[audience cheering] 900 00:51:08,399 --> 00:51:12,002 {\an8}Big Jay Oakerson is here tonight. 901 00:51:12,069 --> 00:51:13,837 {\an8}Let's keep moving. 902 00:51:13,904 --> 00:51:17,007 {\an8}Sheryl Underwood, Regina Hall. 903 00:51:17,074 --> 00:51:19,777 {\an8}I'm not gonna use my time to insult two Black women 904 00:51:19,843 --> 00:51:22,546 {\an8}when I'm dealing with this fucking group of idiots. 905 00:51:23,514 --> 00:51:26,417 {\an8}Draymond Green is here tonight. 906 00:51:26,483 --> 00:51:30,254 {\an8}I like Draymond a lot. I like what you're putting down. 907 00:51:30,321 --> 00:51:32,790 {\an8}Draymond has achieved something many Black men 908 00:51:32,856 --> 00:51:36,961 {\an8}in the NBA have never accomplished. He married a Black woman. 909 00:51:37,027 --> 00:51:39,530 {\an8}[audience laughing] 910 00:51:40,698 --> 00:51:42,833 {\an8}[Chelsea] In preparation for this roast, 911 00:51:42,900 --> 00:51:44,668 {\an8}I looked up everybody's star signs, 912 00:51:44,735 --> 00:51:48,238 {\an8}so I found out I'm a Pisces, I know Pete is a Scorpio, 913 00:51:48,305 --> 00:51:51,976 {\an8}-and Jeff Ross has cancer. -[audience laughing] 914 00:51:57,348 --> 00:52:00,718 {\an8}Let's give it up for the least problematic man 915 00:52:00,784 --> 00:52:03,587 {\an8}on the stage tonight, Pete Davidson! 916 00:52:03,654 --> 00:52:05,589 {\an8}[audience cheering] 917 00:52:05,656 --> 00:52:09,126 Whoever thought I would say that sentence? 918 00:52:09,193 --> 00:52:11,662 {\an8}Pete is our moral compass tonight. 919 00:52:11,729 --> 00:52:17,267 {\an8}Pete recently welcomed his first child that he knows of. 920 00:52:17,334 --> 00:52:18,769 {\an8}A beautiful baby girl. 921 00:52:18,836 --> 00:52:20,671 {\an8}Congratulations, Pete, on becoming a father. 922 00:52:20,738 --> 00:52:22,873 {\an8}I can see you've turned over a new leaf. 923 00:52:22,940 --> 00:52:25,442 {\an8}I'm just glad that Tony Hinchcliffe didn't have a baby 924 00:52:25,509 --> 00:52:28,012 {\an8}and that he has a daughter now, you know? 925 00:52:28,078 --> 00:52:31,582 {\an8}If he had a daughter, her first words would be, "Me too." 926 00:52:31,649 --> 00:52:33,150 {\an8}[audience laughing] 927 00:52:38,555 --> 00:52:40,858 {\an8}And now, sorry, if you had a son. [chuckles] 928 00:52:40,924 --> 00:52:43,093 {\an8}And now, back to Kevin. 929 00:52:43,160 --> 00:52:45,329 {\an8}Kevin had a DUI in 2013 930 00:52:45,396 --> 00:52:49,967 {\an8}and then had a little dipsy doodle off Mulholland in 2019. [laughs] 931 00:52:50,034 --> 00:52:54,138 {\an8}And then had the nerve to call one of his movies Ride Along. 932 00:52:55,239 --> 00:52:58,175 {\an8}Even Tiger Woods is like, "No thanks, I'll walk." 933 00:52:58,242 --> 00:53:00,344 {\an8}[audience laughing] 934 00:53:01,679 --> 00:53:04,748 {\an8}But I do want to congratulate you, Kevin, on your tequila. 935 00:53:04,815 --> 00:53:08,318 {\an8}Kevin's tequila is called Gran Coramino, 936 00:53:08,385 --> 00:53:12,489 {\an8}which is Spanish for "Eddie Murphy said fuck no." 937 00:53:13,590 --> 00:53:16,427 {\an8}It's the only tequila brand in the world where 938 00:53:16,493 --> 00:53:20,831 {\an8}if you want to swallow a tiny shriveled up little worm, 939 00:53:20,898 --> 00:53:24,268 {\an8}Kevin will personally drive to your house and face fuck you. 940 00:53:24,334 --> 00:53:25,869 {\an8}[audience laughing] 941 00:53:25,936 --> 00:53:27,738 {\an8}[Chelsea] I do want to say this, however, about Kevin. 942 00:53:27,805 --> 00:53:30,140 {\an8}Because Kevin is one of the few male comedians 943 00:53:30,207 --> 00:53:33,911 {\an8}who's never been gross or inappropriate around me. 944 00:53:33,977 --> 00:53:38,782 {\an8}He has never been disrespectful to me or any other woman in his presence. 945 00:53:38,849 --> 00:53:42,853 {\an8}And the only time he ever said anything sexual 946 00:53:42,920 --> 00:53:46,423 {\an8}was when he was shit-faced at one of the Chelsea Lately wrap parties. 947 00:53:46,490 --> 00:53:50,227 {\an8}And you were like, he was like, "Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea." 948 00:53:51,695 --> 00:53:54,164 {\an8}"Chelsea, you fucked the wrong Black guy." 949 00:53:55,666 --> 00:53:59,069 {\an8}"You fucked the wrong Black guy." 950 00:53:59,136 --> 00:54:01,939 {\an8}And I thought that was so cute that you thought there was only one. 951 00:54:02,005 --> 00:54:04,508 {\an8}[audience laughing] 952 00:54:07,478 --> 00:54:11,014 {\an8}Na'im is actually starting to look familiar. [chuckles] 953 00:54:12,449 --> 00:54:16,653 {\an8}But the worst thing about Kevin is if you do Kevin one favor, 954 00:54:16,720 --> 00:54:19,757 {\an8}he will never stop asking you to do him more favors. 955 00:54:19,823 --> 00:54:22,793 {\an8}And the reason people say yes is because it's the only way 956 00:54:22,860 --> 00:54:25,462 {\an8}to get you to shut the fuck up. 957 00:54:25,529 --> 00:54:29,133 {\an8}And somehow you seem to think that you're the greatest negotiator, 958 00:54:29,199 --> 00:54:30,634 {\an8}"The best" is what you say. 959 00:54:30,701 --> 00:54:34,438 {\an8}And I would like to let everyone here know that the most recent favor Kevin asked me 960 00:54:34,505 --> 00:54:37,708 {\an8}to do for him was to film his TV show, Funny AF, 961 00:54:37,775 --> 00:54:40,110 {\an8}which is a very gay name, by the way. 962 00:54:41,578 --> 00:54:44,982 {\an8}It ended up being a great show. You're right, it is a good show. 963 00:54:45,048 --> 00:54:49,586 {\an8}But I was in Majorca at the time, like any other rich white woman would be. 964 00:54:49,653 --> 00:54:52,923 {\an8}So after I said no to Kevin for the 11th time, 965 00:54:52,990 --> 00:54:58,529 {\an8}Kevin chartered a private plane for me and my entire family 966 00:54:58,595 --> 00:55:03,066 {\an8}to fly from Spain to Los Angeles. 967 00:55:03,133 --> 00:55:06,804 {\an8}Except here's the truth, my family was never with me, Kevin. 968 00:55:06,870 --> 00:55:09,640 {\an8}I just said that to get you to leave me alone, 969 00:55:09,706 --> 00:55:15,646 {\an8}so you chartered a 16-seat Gulfstream for me and my dog. 970 00:55:17,514 --> 00:55:20,050 So I would like to correct the record 971 00:55:20,117 --> 00:55:23,687 from best negotiator to huge fucking idiot. 972 00:55:23,754 --> 00:55:26,123 And on a nice note, 973 00:55:26,190 --> 00:55:28,025 {\an8}since this is a roast and everyone's so disgusting, 974 00:55:28,091 --> 00:55:31,295 {\an8}I would just like to say, as a woman, I am proud to be friends 975 00:55:31,361 --> 00:55:33,831 {\an8}with a male comedian who respects women, 976 00:55:33,897 --> 00:55:37,534 {\an8}who spends time with his family, and who loves his wife, Eniko. 977 00:55:37,601 --> 00:55:39,870 {\an8}That makes me proud to be your friend, 978 00:55:39,937 --> 00:55:42,606 {\an8}so I'm gonna give you that, you little fuckin' nugget. 979 00:55:42,673 --> 00:55:45,843 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 980 00:55:58,388 --> 00:56:00,357 {\an8}It takes a lot of people. 981 00:56:00,424 --> 00:56:02,893 {\an8}Yeah, how about one more time for Chelsea? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 982 00:56:02,960 --> 00:56:05,829 {\an8}[audience cheering] 983 00:56:05,896 --> 00:56:06,864 {\an8}Fucking asshole. 984 00:56:08,866 --> 00:56:11,735 {\an8}It takes a lot of people to support the career of Kevin Hart. 985 00:56:11,802 --> 00:56:14,638 {\an8}Here to honor Kevin's stand ins and body doubles, 986 00:56:14,705 --> 00:56:17,107 {\an8}please welcome Lizzo. 987 00:56:17,174 --> 00:56:19,276 {\an8}[audience cheering] 988 00:56:19,343 --> 00:56:22,813 {\an8}[plays flute] 989 00:56:36,793 --> 00:56:39,897 {\an8}[upbeat music playing] 990 00:56:45,369 --> 00:56:46,837 {\an8}Come on. Fuck it up, baby. 991 00:56:48,939 --> 00:56:52,342 {\an8}Go, Kevin! Go, Kevin! Go, Kevin! 992 00:57:00,183 --> 00:57:01,518 {\an8}Make some noise, y'all! 993 00:57:01,585 --> 00:57:03,620 {\an8}[audience cheering] 994 00:57:05,255 --> 00:57:07,524 {\an8}Give it up for my nigglets, y'all. 995 00:57:07,591 --> 00:57:10,327 {\an8}We worked really hard on that. [laughs] 996 00:57:10,394 --> 00:57:14,531 {\an8}Well, well, well, Kevin. So this is how you're able 997 00:57:14,598 --> 00:57:18,001 {\an8}to make five shitty movies at the same time. 998 00:57:18,068 --> 00:57:19,503 {\an8}This is against union rules, you know. 999 00:57:19,569 --> 00:57:21,738 {\an8}They gonna kick you out the lollipop guild. 1000 00:57:23,073 --> 00:57:25,242 {\an8}Kevin, what's going on with this dais? 1001 00:57:25,309 --> 00:57:26,843 {\an8}I was promised real celebrities. 1002 00:57:26,910 --> 00:57:30,247 {\an8}Where are all your friends from the Diddy files? 1003 00:57:30,314 --> 00:57:31,882 {\an8}You know all of them. 1004 00:57:33,517 --> 00:57:37,387 {\an8}I feel overdressed right now. Do y'all like my outfit? 1005 00:57:37,454 --> 00:57:41,558 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 1006 00:57:41,625 --> 00:57:43,794 {\an8}-I found it in Tony Hinchcliffe's closet. -[audience laughing] 1007 00:57:43,860 --> 00:57:47,464 {\an8}-[Lizzo] Right next to Tony Hinchcliffe. -[audience laughing] 1008 00:57:47,531 --> 00:57:50,500 {\an8}Actually heard that Tony's a fan of my music, 1009 00:57:50,567 --> 00:57:52,502 {\an8}but the lyric is, "blame it on the juice," 1010 00:57:52,569 --> 00:57:55,172 {\an8}-not "blame it on the Jews." -[audience laughing] 1011 00:57:55,238 --> 00:57:57,708 {\an8}[Lizzo] What the fuck is wrong with you? [chuckling] 1012 00:57:58,575 --> 00:58:01,078 {\an8}Me and Tony actually have something in common. 1013 00:58:01,144 --> 00:58:05,849 {\an8}I played James Madison's crystal flute and he played Donald Trump's skin flute. 1014 00:58:06,683 --> 00:58:10,287 {\an8}[audience laughing, applauding] 1015 00:58:10,354 --> 00:58:13,190 {\an8}Chelsea, a flute is something you wrap your lips around 1016 00:58:13,256 --> 00:58:15,292 {\an8}-that won't leave you after you blow it. -[audience laughing] 1017 00:58:15,359 --> 00:58:17,127 {\an8}[Lizzo] Just want you to know that. 1018 00:58:17,194 --> 00:58:19,262 Shane Gillis! 1019 00:58:20,464 --> 00:58:23,033 {\an8}Thank you for that introduction. You look good. 1020 00:58:23,100 --> 00:58:25,035 {\an8}You been chasing your beer with milk? 1021 00:58:25,102 --> 00:58:28,238 {\an8}-[chuckling] -[audience laughing] 1022 00:58:28,305 --> 00:58:31,641 {\an8}Shane Gillis… [laughs] 1023 00:58:31,708 --> 00:58:35,045 {\an8}Shane Gillis looked like somebody trying to draw Buzz Lightyear from memory. 1024 00:58:35,112 --> 00:58:38,081 {\an8}-[laughs] -[audience laughing] 1025 00:58:38,148 --> 00:58:40,283 {\an8}I just made that one up on the spot. 1026 00:58:40,350 --> 00:58:43,687 {\an8}-Um… [laughs] -[audience laughing] 1027 00:58:43,754 --> 00:58:45,322 {\an8}Shane, I wrote you a song. 1028 00:58:45,389 --> 00:58:49,993 ♪ In case nobody told you today You're special ♪ 1029 00:58:50,193 --> 00:58:52,896 -[audience laughing] -[Lizzo] Thank you. 1030 00:58:52,963 --> 00:58:55,732 Save some chromosomes for the rest of us, boy. 1031 00:58:55,799 --> 00:58:57,167 [audience laughing] 1032 00:58:57,234 --> 00:59:02,439 {\an8}-Draymond Green is here. -[audience cheering, applauding] 1033 00:59:02,506 --> 00:59:05,809 {\an8}Why is everyone booing him? I'm excited to see you. 1034 00:59:05,876 --> 00:59:08,145 {\an8}Personally, I've never seen Draymond Green in person. 1035 00:59:08,211 --> 00:59:11,281 {\an8}I always thought he was just six Kevin Hart's in a trench coat. 1036 00:59:11,348 --> 00:59:12,649 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1037 00:59:12,716 --> 00:59:15,585 {\an8}So, that's fucking cool. Um, Jeff Ross. 1038 00:59:16,686 --> 00:59:20,023 {\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding] -[chuckles] Looking like my bloody tampon. 1039 00:59:21,725 --> 00:59:23,193 {\an8}Jeff got ready for tonight 1040 00:59:23,260 --> 00:59:26,363 {\an8}by spending a week floating face down in a swimming pool. 1041 00:59:26,430 --> 00:59:27,931 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1042 00:59:27,998 --> 00:59:31,168 {\an8}You know, I believe that everybody is beautiful, except for you, Jeff. 1043 00:59:31,234 --> 00:59:33,003 {\an8}-You ugly as shit. -[audience laughing] 1044 00:59:33,070 --> 00:59:38,008 {\an8}-You look like a old, white, Black woman. -[audience laughing] 1045 00:59:38,075 --> 00:59:40,343 {\an8}Okay, okay, okay, that was mean, that was mean. 1046 00:59:40,410 --> 00:59:44,047 {\an8}There's so much negativity here tonight and y'all know that's not my thing. 1047 00:59:44,114 --> 00:59:47,451 {\an8}I like to write songs that uplift and inspire women 1048 00:59:47,517 --> 00:59:51,555 {\an8}so that they don't make bad decisions like fucking Pete Davidson. 1049 00:59:51,621 --> 00:59:53,623 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1050 00:59:53,690 --> 00:59:55,892 {\an8}I'm sorry, I didn't wanna-- I would fuck you. 1051 00:59:57,928 --> 01:00:00,897 {\an8}There's more to that joke and I'm just gonna stop it right there. 1052 01:00:00,964 --> 01:00:04,868 {\an8}-[laughs] Let's keep going. -[audience laughing] 1053 01:00:04,935 --> 01:00:09,606 {\an8}-In all seriousness… [laughs] -[audience laughing] 1054 01:00:09,673 --> 01:00:10,740 {\an8}In all… [chuckles] 1055 01:00:10,807 --> 01:00:14,311 {\an8}-Oh, this is live? Okay, cool. -[audience laughing] 1056 01:00:15,812 --> 01:00:18,882 {\an8}But in all seriousness, Kevin, thank you. 1057 01:00:18,949 --> 01:00:20,851 {\an8}It's an honor to share the stage with someone 1058 01:00:20,917 --> 01:00:23,453 {\an8}who's opened the door for so many Black men. 1059 01:00:23,520 --> 01:00:25,021 {\an8}Thank you, Chelsea Handler. 1060 01:00:25,088 --> 01:00:28,291 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -Wakanda forever! 1061 01:00:28,358 --> 01:00:31,027 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 1062 01:00:31,094 --> 01:00:35,132 {\an8}Chelsea, your set was incredible and your tits are even better, babe. 1063 01:00:35,198 --> 01:00:37,968 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -[Lizzo] Whoo! 1064 01:00:38,034 --> 01:00:39,936 {\an8}Kevin and I are both mocked for our size, 1065 01:00:40,003 --> 01:00:42,906 {\an8}and we share that pain, but I can lose weight. 1066 01:00:42,973 --> 01:00:47,777 {\an8}-You can't get taller, nigga. [laughs] -[audience laughing] 1067 01:00:48,578 --> 01:00:51,081 {\an8}Ain't no Ozempic for being short and greasy. 1068 01:00:54,084 --> 01:00:57,120 {\an8}Kevin, thank you for having me here tonight. 1069 01:00:57,187 --> 01:01:00,090 {\an8}And as a thank you, I have a new album coming out… 1070 01:01:02,325 --> 01:01:06,563 {\an8}and I actually named it after you. It's called "Bitch." [chuckles] 1071 01:01:06,630 --> 01:01:10,066 {\an8}You not just a bitch, you my bitch, Kevin. I love you so much. 1072 01:01:10,133 --> 01:01:16,072 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 1073 01:01:19,809 --> 01:01:23,813 {\an8}-Give it up for Lizzo. -[audience cheering, applauding] 1074 01:01:23,880 --> 01:01:27,117 {\an8}I'd really love to make fun of her, but I met her earlier this week 1075 01:01:27,184 --> 01:01:31,288 {\an8}and she's actually pretty fucking cool. Who would have thought that? 1076 01:01:31,354 --> 01:01:35,258 {\an8}But anyway, actually, I'd still like to do it. Go back. 1077 01:01:35,325 --> 01:01:36,493 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 1078 01:01:36,560 --> 01:01:39,996 {\an8}Lizzo looks like the final boss of a Red Lobster video game. 1079 01:01:40,063 --> 01:01:44,868 {\an8}-[chuckles] -[audience laughing] 1080 01:01:47,037 --> 01:01:52,108 {\an8}People keep saying Lizzo's washed up, but I believe the correct term is beached. 1081 01:01:52,175 --> 01:01:54,244 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1082 01:01:54,311 --> 01:01:58,915 {\an8}-Nice flute, you fat fucking bitch. -[audience laughing] 1083 01:02:04,221 --> 01:02:07,224 {\an8}-We're having fun. [chuckles] -[audience laughing] 1084 01:02:08,858 --> 01:02:10,894 {\an8}I got him Lizzo, I got him Lizzo. 1085 01:02:10,961 --> 01:02:13,263 {\an8}No, come on, why you gotta get me? I've been getting a lot. 1086 01:02:13,330 --> 01:02:15,699 {\an8}-What the fuck's your problem, Chelsea? -[audience laughing] 1087 01:02:15,765 --> 01:02:18,535 {\an8}[chuckles] God damn. 1088 01:02:18,602 --> 01:02:22,606 {\an8}Guys, the next guy we're gonna talk about is Pete Davidson. 1089 01:02:22,672 --> 01:02:24,874 {\an8}Pete Davidson is here to remind me 1090 01:02:24,941 --> 01:02:27,811 {\an8}that being on SNL does not make you a better comedian. 1091 01:02:27,877 --> 01:02:29,879 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1092 01:02:29,946 --> 01:02:34,551 {\an8}Pete showed up at the Kids Choice Awards high on ketamine. 1093 01:02:34,618 --> 01:02:36,953 {\an8}I actually think that's pretty fucking awesome. 1094 01:02:38,121 --> 01:02:40,290 {\an8}At least you didn't show up to that event on Viagra 1095 01:02:40,357 --> 01:02:42,025 {\an8}like a lot of the people in this room did. 1096 01:02:42,092 --> 01:02:45,028 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1097 01:02:45,095 --> 01:02:46,830 {\an8}There's a lot of pedophiles here. 1098 01:02:46,896 --> 01:02:50,100 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -[chuckles] 1099 01:02:50,734 --> 01:02:52,836 {\an8}Pete, this is actually an intervention for you. 1100 01:02:52,902 --> 01:02:56,406 {\an8}Please start doing drugs so you can be fun and interesting again. 1101 01:02:56,473 --> 01:02:57,474 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1102 01:02:57,540 --> 01:03:00,744 {\an8}He has a new podcast on Netflix and it fucking sucks. [laughs] 1103 01:03:00,810 --> 01:03:03,380 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -I don't-- Pete's the fucking man. 1104 01:03:03,446 --> 01:03:05,615 {\an8}I love him. Make some noise. Pete Davidson, everybody. 1105 01:03:05,682 --> 01:03:08,985 {\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding] -[upbeat music playing] 1106 01:03:15,558 --> 01:03:17,761 {\an8}All right. Wow. 1107 01:03:18,928 --> 01:03:23,033 {\an8}Look at this dais. Can't call me a star fucker anymore. 1108 01:03:23,099 --> 01:03:25,201 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -[chuckles] 1109 01:03:25,402 --> 01:03:26,603 {\an8}Great job hosting, Shane. 1110 01:03:26,670 --> 01:03:29,839 {\an8}You look like you got CTE playing fantasy football. 1111 01:03:29,906 --> 01:03:32,575 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1112 01:03:35,412 --> 01:03:38,982 {\an8}Shane, you got fired from SNL. Do you know how hard that is? 1113 01:03:39,049 --> 01:03:41,084 {\an8}I tried for eight years and couldn't do it. 1114 01:03:41,151 --> 01:03:42,752 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1115 01:03:42,819 --> 01:03:46,790 {\an8}Tony Hinchcliffe is here, looking like both a child molester 1116 01:03:46,856 --> 01:03:49,826 {\an8}and the doll they give the child to show where he touched them. 1117 01:03:49,893 --> 01:03:53,163 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1118 01:03:54,597 --> 01:03:57,934 {\an8}Tony reminds me of Charlie Kirk in that he's definitely been on camera 1119 01:03:58,001 --> 01:04:02,872 {\an8}-letting a guy unload in his throat. -[audience laughing] 1120 01:04:04,174 --> 01:04:07,777 {\an8}Oh, you don't know me? You don't know me? Yeah. 1121 01:04:07,844 --> 01:04:11,648 {\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding] -Yeah. Kill Tony. 1122 01:04:11,715 --> 01:04:16,152 {\an8}-Please, someone, fucking kill Tony. -[audience laughing] 1123 01:04:17,320 --> 01:04:19,656 {\an8}Tony, nothing you say tonight will hurt my feelings. 1124 01:04:19,723 --> 01:04:23,660 {\an8}I was in a beef with Kanye, so I've taken shots from better gay Nazis. 1125 01:04:23,727 --> 01:04:30,133 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -Thank you. Yeah. 1126 01:04:30,200 --> 01:04:34,104 {\an8}-What's left of Lizzo is here. -[audience laughing] 1127 01:04:34,170 --> 01:04:36,773 {\an8}Either that or Eddie Murphy just premiered the newest clump. 1128 01:04:36,840 --> 01:04:37,974 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1129 01:04:38,041 --> 01:04:40,410 {\an8}[Pete] Hercules! Hercules! No. 1130 01:04:44,581 --> 01:04:48,818 {\an8}Lizzo mostly dates men, but identifies as LGB-B-Q 1131 01:04:48,885 --> 01:04:53,123 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1132 01:04:55,325 --> 01:04:56,659 {\an8}Chelsea Handler is here. 1133 01:04:56,726 --> 01:04:59,429 {\an8}Thanks for saying nice things about me. That was nice. 1134 01:04:59,496 --> 01:05:03,867 {\an8}Chelsea is so old that when she blew 50 Cent, he was just a nickel. 1135 01:05:05,969 --> 01:05:10,507 {\an8}-Regina Hall is here. Pass. -[audience laughing] 1136 01:05:10,573 --> 01:05:13,676 {\an8}Na’im Lynn, also pass. 1137 01:05:13,743 --> 01:05:18,348 {\an8}Hi, Jeff. Jeff, you look like the inside of a clam. 1138 01:05:18,415 --> 01:05:22,786 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1139 01:05:25,321 --> 01:05:28,892 {\an8}Jeff looks like my dad if he somehow survived 9/11. 1140 01:05:28,958 --> 01:05:32,962 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1141 01:05:37,167 --> 01:05:40,837 {\an8}The Babadook, I mean Sheryl Underwood is here. 1142 01:05:40,904 --> 01:05:43,006 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -Hello ma'am. 1143 01:05:45,542 --> 01:05:49,746 {\an8}Sheryl has a daytime Emmy, ‘cause nobody could see her at night. 1144 01:05:49,813 --> 01:05:52,482 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1145 01:05:52,549 --> 01:05:54,818 {\an8}We play hide and seek later, you're on my team. 1146 01:05:54,884 --> 01:05:58,054 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1147 01:05:59,689 --> 01:06:03,660 {\an8}[chuckles] I'm sorry. By the way, guys, Sheryl isn't smiling. 1148 01:06:03,726 --> 01:06:07,497 {\an8}She's just unhinging her jaw so she can swallow Kevin whole. 1149 01:06:07,564 --> 01:06:10,934 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1150 01:06:12,435 --> 01:06:13,770 {\an8}Big Jay is here. 1151 01:06:13,837 --> 01:06:16,906 {\an8}Big Jay Oakerson, good friend of mine. Love you. 1152 01:06:16,973 --> 01:06:20,777 {\an8}Women say Jay is like a big teddy bear, because eventually they find out 1153 01:06:20,844 --> 01:06:24,848 {\an8}-he's been recording them the whole time. -[audience laughing] 1154 01:06:26,282 --> 01:06:28,952 {\an8}Draymond Green is here. Yeah. 1155 01:06:29,018 --> 01:06:31,888 [audience cheering, applauding] 1156 01:06:31,955 --> 01:06:36,392 Why do you look blacker than usual? Is it because you got burnt by the suns? 1157 01:06:36,459 --> 01:06:39,329 -[audience laughing] -[Pete] Ooh. Ooh. 1158 01:06:40,463 --> 01:06:44,801 {\an8}-Thanks. Yeah. Yeah. -[audience cheering, applauding] 1159 01:06:44,868 --> 01:06:46,269 {\an8}Draymond's so dirty, 1160 01:06:46,336 --> 01:06:49,305 {\an8}even Magic Johnson refuses to play with him. 1161 01:06:49,372 --> 01:06:51,708 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1162 01:06:51,774 --> 01:06:54,077 {\an8}And of course, we have Kevin Hart. 1163 01:06:55,078 --> 01:06:57,680 {\an8}-Yep. I love you too, buddy. -[audience cheering, applauding] 1164 01:06:57,747 --> 01:07:01,184 {\an8}What can you say about Kevin that hasn't already been yelled out 1165 01:07:01,251 --> 01:07:06,389 {\an8}-by a guy with Tourette's at the BAFTAs? -[audience laughing] 1166 01:07:11,895 --> 01:07:16,699 {\an8}-Kevin looks like Draymond's Funko Pop. -[audience laughing] 1167 01:07:19,602 --> 01:07:24,207 {\an8}You know, I get lumped in a lot with Kevin because we both performed 1168 01:07:24,274 --> 01:07:26,009 {\an8}at the Riyadh Comedy Festival. 1169 01:07:26,075 --> 01:07:29,279 {\an8}But the difference is, Kevin went to Saudi Arabia for a day's work. 1170 01:07:29,345 --> 01:07:31,748 {\an8}Well, I've been owed that money since I was seven. 1171 01:07:31,814 --> 01:07:37,720 {\an8}-[audience laughing, applauding] -Yes, thank you. 1172 01:07:39,455 --> 01:07:41,157 {\an8}Yeah, that's all I wanted to do. 1173 01:07:42,892 --> 01:07:45,962 {\an8}[chuckles] First of all, I just want to say I love you very much. 1174 01:07:46,029 --> 01:07:49,499 {\an8}You've always been super nice to me. We actually met at the Bieber roast, 1175 01:07:49,566 --> 01:07:51,901 {\an8}which is super cool that now it's this. 1176 01:07:53,169 --> 01:07:56,773 {\an8}You're a very hardworking person, and when it's all said and done, you know, 1177 01:07:56,839 --> 01:07:59,709 {\an8}in the comedy world, what's most important is you'll be remembered. 1178 01:07:59,776 --> 01:08:03,046 {\an8}And I think that's fucking something. So, thanks for having me. 1179 01:08:03,112 --> 01:08:10,019 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 1180 01:08:12,789 --> 01:08:15,592 {\an8}Yeah, Pete, hell yeah. Give it up for Pete, he just killed. 1181 01:08:15,658 --> 01:08:20,063 {\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding] -Fuck yeah, Pete. 1182 01:08:21,564 --> 01:08:22,966 {\an8}Now, we're gonna talk about Draymond Green. 1183 01:08:23,032 --> 01:08:24,400 {\an8}Draymond Green is here. 1184 01:08:25,835 --> 01:08:27,403 Yeah, fuck him. 1185 01:08:31,140 --> 01:08:33,776 {\an8}Draymond Green has four NBA championships 1186 01:08:33,843 --> 01:08:36,546 {\an8}the way Ringo Starr has 11 number one albums. 1187 01:08:36,613 --> 01:08:41,517 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1188 01:08:41,584 --> 01:08:42,819 {\an8}Draymond's always taking credit 1189 01:08:42,885 --> 01:08:45,822 {\an8}for the accomplishments of his more talented friends. 1190 01:08:45,888 --> 01:08:49,726 {\an8}-See, Jeff? It's not just you. -[audience laughing] 1191 01:08:49,792 --> 01:08:52,762 {\an8}Draymond is the first player to make four All-Star teams 1192 01:08:52,829 --> 01:08:56,265 {\an8}-for just setting picks. -[audience laughing] 1193 01:08:56,332 --> 01:08:59,302 {\an8}Thought that would get more. Fuck you guys. You don't know ball. 1194 01:08:59,369 --> 01:09:01,938 {\an8}-[chuckles] -[audience laughing] 1195 01:09:02,005 --> 01:09:04,040 {\an8}Go ahead, make some noise. Draymond Green, everybody. 1196 01:09:04,107 --> 01:09:07,343 {\an8}-Give it up for Draymond. -[audience cheering, applauding] 1197 01:09:07,410 --> 01:09:10,179 {\an8}[rendition of "X Gon' Give It To Ya" playing] 1198 01:09:19,989 --> 01:09:21,691 {\an8}I think this is the part where I'm supposed to say, 1199 01:09:21,758 --> 01:09:25,795 {\an8}-"Fuck all of you for booing me." -[audience laughing, booing] 1200 01:09:25,862 --> 01:09:29,232 -But I actually… -[audience laughing, booing] 1201 01:09:30,767 --> 01:09:33,503 {\an8}But I actually need y'all to laugh at these jokes they wrote for me, 1202 01:09:33,569 --> 01:09:36,305 {\an8}so y'all love apologies, I'm sorry, okay? 1203 01:09:37,840 --> 01:09:40,309 {\an8}I know I probably seem a little uncomfortable up here, 1204 01:09:40,376 --> 01:09:42,078 {\an8}but I'm in the NBA. 1205 01:09:42,145 --> 01:09:44,547 {\an8}I'm not used to working around this many white people. 1206 01:09:44,614 --> 01:09:48,017 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -I feel like Hoosiers in this bitch. 1207 01:09:50,053 --> 01:09:55,725 {\an8}Kevin, you let all these white boys talk bad about us, our culture, 1208 01:09:55,792 --> 01:09:59,095 {\an8}our beautiful Black women. You fucking sell out. 1209 01:09:59,162 --> 01:10:04,233 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -Uncle Tom ain't got shit on you. 1210 01:10:05,334 --> 01:10:08,337 {\an8}And I'm putting cases on all you white motherfuckers. 1211 01:10:08,404 --> 01:10:12,341 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -Shane Gillis, look at you. 1212 01:10:13,376 --> 01:10:14,777 {\an8}Big pastry face. 1213 01:10:16,946 --> 01:10:21,884 {\an8}That mustache. You look like a 1930s baseball card. 1214 01:10:21,951 --> 01:10:26,022 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1215 01:10:27,190 --> 01:10:30,893 {\an8}If you look closely at Jeff Ross, you'll notice he has no eyebrows. 1216 01:10:32,595 --> 01:10:35,364 {\an8}They were lost when he went through Kevin Hart's windshield. 1217 01:10:35,431 --> 01:10:39,168 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1218 01:10:39,235 --> 01:10:43,473 {\an8}If Kevin Hart had a video game, they'd call it "Grand Theft-- Uh-oh." 1219 01:10:43,539 --> 01:10:47,043 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1220 01:10:47,110 --> 01:10:48,778 {\an8}Tony Hinchcliffe, what's up man? 1221 01:10:50,279 --> 01:10:52,982 {\an8}Always flexing that he grew up in the hood. 1222 01:10:53,049 --> 01:10:56,486 {\an8}Well, yeah, that's what you were to a fucking cross burning. 1223 01:10:56,552 --> 01:10:59,422 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1224 01:10:59,489 --> 01:11:01,124 {\an8}[Draymond] Pete Davidson's here. 1225 01:11:02,658 --> 01:11:08,531 {\an8}-Pete Davidson's here. Why? -[audience laughing] 1226 01:11:08,598 --> 01:11:10,133 {\an8}You fucked a Kardashian. 1227 01:11:11,734 --> 01:11:13,336 {\an8}You have those big ass lips 1228 01:11:13,402 --> 01:11:15,571 {\an8}and terrible fucking decision-making skills. 1229 01:11:16,839 --> 01:11:18,875 {\an8}You get an N word pass. 1230 01:11:18,941 --> 01:11:21,978 {\an8}It's only good for an hour, and use it wisely. 1231 01:11:22,044 --> 01:11:26,082 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -[chuckles] 1232 01:11:32,455 --> 01:11:35,491 {\an8}I'll tell you who's having a terrible Mother's Day. 1233 01:11:36,526 --> 01:11:41,297 {\an8}-Chelsea Handler's kids. -[audience laughing] 1234 01:11:41,364 --> 01:11:43,266 {\an8}Chelsea's had so many abortions, 1235 01:11:43,332 --> 01:11:46,302 {\an8}she's killed more innocent Blacks than the LAPD. 1236 01:11:46,369 --> 01:11:47,637 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1237 01:11:47,703 --> 01:11:50,373 {\an8}[audience laughing, applauding] 1238 01:11:50,439 --> 01:11:52,508 {\an8}Listen, I did not write these jokes. 1239 01:11:52,575 --> 01:11:54,877 {\an8}Chelsea, you were really nice to me. I'm sorry. 1240 01:11:57,180 --> 01:12:00,683 {\an8}In her defense, several of them were armed. 1241 01:12:00,750 --> 01:12:03,219 {\an8}[audience laughing, applauding] 1242 01:12:03,286 --> 01:12:07,623 {\an8}I should stop here. [laughs] 1243 01:12:07,690 --> 01:12:11,527 {\an8}And no, no, go back. We're not done. [chuckles] 1244 01:12:11,594 --> 01:12:13,029 {\an8}Not fucking done here. 1245 01:12:13,095 --> 01:12:17,767 {\an8}And no, I never have and never will smash Chelsea Handler. 1246 01:12:17,834 --> 01:12:20,670 {\an8}I'm Draymond Green. I don't hit threes. 1247 01:12:20,736 --> 01:12:23,172 {\an8}-[laughs] -[audience laughing, applauding] 1248 01:12:34,684 --> 01:12:37,520 {\an8}[chuckles] You might have seen that three-point shootout 1249 01:12:37,587 --> 01:12:40,323 {\an8}I did with Kevin. He was awful. 1250 01:12:41,390 --> 01:12:44,594 {\an8}Kevin, you put up enough bricks to build your dad a new crack house. 1251 01:12:44,660 --> 01:12:47,363 {\an8}-[audience laughing, applauding] -[speaks indistinctly] 1252 01:12:48,831 --> 01:12:53,236 {\an8}Just so Kevin didn't look terrible, they deliberately had me miss shots. 1253 01:12:53,302 --> 01:12:58,241 {\an8}I'm like, "Sure, anyone can blow a shot, right, Kev?" [chuckles] 1254 01:12:58,307 --> 01:12:59,909 {\an8}Like when you blew your shot at the Oscars. 1255 01:12:59,976 --> 01:13:02,345 -Oh, you son of a bitch. -[audience laughing, applauding] 1256 01:13:02,411 --> 01:13:03,746 What the fuck is your issue, man? 1257 01:13:03,813 --> 01:13:05,514 {\an8}-[laughs] -[Draymond laughs] 1258 01:13:05,581 --> 01:13:08,718 {\an8}Kevin and I are boys. We play poker together. [chuckles] 1259 01:13:08,784 --> 01:13:12,154 {\an8}When we first started playing, he didn't know anything. 1260 01:13:12,221 --> 01:13:13,890 {\an8}I had to explain. 1261 01:13:13,956 --> 01:13:16,926 {\an8}A straight flush is what you should have done 1262 01:13:16,993 --> 01:13:18,561 {\an8}with that Get Hard script. 1263 01:13:18,628 --> 01:13:20,496 {\an8}[audience laughing, applauding] 1264 01:13:20,563 --> 01:13:23,232 {\an8}[Draymond] You should have flushed that piece of shit. 1265 01:13:24,333 --> 01:13:26,402 {\an8}[chuckles] Kevin is terrible at cards. 1266 01:13:26,469 --> 01:13:29,672 {\an8}He's gotten better, but he's still fucking terrible. 1267 01:13:29,739 --> 01:13:33,910 {\an8}He plays poker the way he makes all his movies, bet it all on a flop. 1268 01:13:33,976 --> 01:13:35,544 {\an8}[audience laughing, applauding] 1269 01:13:38,948 --> 01:13:42,051 {\an8}We always clean him out, because if you pay attention, 1270 01:13:42,118 --> 01:13:44,787 {\an8}Kevin has a subtle tell. 1271 01:13:44,854 --> 01:13:46,756 {\an8}[imitates Kevin] "Oh, shit, pocket kings." 1272 01:13:46,822 --> 01:13:48,557 {\an8}-"I'm gonna beat all you motherfuckers." -[audience laughing, applauding] 1273 01:13:48,624 --> 01:13:51,093 {\an8}-"Dumb bitches, it's me, motherfuckers." -[laughs] 1274 01:13:55,564 --> 01:13:58,067 [chuckles] And you can always tell when Kevin's bluffing. 1275 01:13:58,134 --> 01:14:00,870 Like when he says how great the next special is gonna be. 1276 01:14:00,937 --> 01:14:03,806 [audience laughing] 1277 01:14:03,873 --> 01:14:05,608 I've seen all of Kevin's movies. 1278 01:14:05,675 --> 01:14:08,344 It's the only time I can go to a theater, 1279 01:14:08,411 --> 01:14:11,314 and the people sitting behind me don't mind me blocking their view. 1280 01:14:11,380 --> 01:14:13,616 [audience laughing, applauding] 1281 01:14:13,683 --> 01:14:17,586 {\an8}During Borderlands, I heard someone yell, "Up in front!" 1282 01:14:17,653 --> 01:14:19,956 {\an8}[audience laughing, applauding] 1283 01:14:22,058 --> 01:14:23,259 {\an8}They didn't write a joke for Na'im. 1284 01:14:23,326 --> 01:14:26,295 {\an8}They didn't-- The writers didn't know who the fuck you were. 1285 01:14:27,630 --> 01:14:30,433 {\an8}But I'm here for you, Kev, because we're family. 1286 01:14:31,634 --> 01:14:35,237 People don't know this, but my wife and your wife are cousins. 1287 01:14:36,272 --> 01:14:40,042 They say you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. 1288 01:14:40,109 --> 01:14:43,446 {\an8}If I could do that, I'd be at a fucking Dave Chappelle roast. 1289 01:14:43,512 --> 01:14:44,613 {\an8}-Thank y'all. -[speaks indistinctly] 1290 01:14:44,680 --> 01:14:47,516 {\an8}[audience laughing, applauding, cheering] 1291 01:14:55,524 --> 01:14:56,959 {\an8}Great job, Draymond. 1292 01:14:58,094 --> 01:14:59,228 {\an8}Way to go, Draymond. 1293 01:15:00,830 --> 01:15:02,198 {\an8}Here we go now, Draymond. 1294 01:15:04,567 --> 01:15:07,003 {\an8}-It's pretty good, fuck. All right. -[audience laughing, applauding] 1295 01:15:07,069 --> 01:15:11,340 {\an8}Uh… [laughs] …next guy is, uh, Big Jay Oakerson. 1296 01:15:11,407 --> 01:15:14,610 {\an8}-Now, a lot of people, yeah, hell, yeah. -[audience cheering, applauding] 1297 01:15:14,677 --> 01:15:16,045 {\an8}A lot of people don't know this, 1298 01:15:16,112 --> 01:15:19,048 {\an8}but Big Jay actually got his start playing banjo 1299 01:15:19,115 --> 01:15:21,684 {\an8}with the other animatronic bears on Splash Mountain. 1300 01:15:21,751 --> 01:15:23,786 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -[chuckles] 1301 01:15:24,987 --> 01:15:28,324 {\an8}Jay and Kevin were once best friends. 1302 01:15:28,391 --> 01:15:31,060 {\an8}Jay, if it makes you feel any better, if Kevin didn't abandon you, 1303 01:15:31,127 --> 01:15:33,529 {\an8}you would have just ended up like fucking Na'im Lynn. 1304 01:15:33,596 --> 01:15:35,131 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1305 01:15:36,465 --> 01:15:40,236 {\an8}All right, I thought that was pretty funny, okay. 1306 01:15:40,302 --> 01:15:43,339 {\an8}Uh, for real, I do love you and I hope this goes well for you. 1307 01:15:43,406 --> 01:15:46,609 {\an8}You're the fucking man… [laughs] …make some noise, Big Jay Oakerson. 1308 01:15:46,675 --> 01:15:49,712 {\an8}-[upbeat music playing] -[audience cheering, applauding] 1309 01:15:54,216 --> 01:15:58,287 {\an8}Oh, thank you. What's up? Thank you, Roots. 1310 01:15:59,889 --> 01:16:03,692 {\an8}Hear it for them. What, is this place falling the fuck asleep? 1311 01:16:03,759 --> 01:16:06,695 {\an8}Let's fucking go, everyone. What a crowd, goddamn. 1312 01:16:06,762 --> 01:16:12,668 {\an8}T-Pain, fucking MGK, John fucking Stamos. 1313 01:16:12,735 --> 01:16:15,738 {\an8}-Why is John Stamos at a Kevin Hart roast? -[audience laughing] 1314 01:16:15,805 --> 01:16:18,874 {\an8}He is? John Stamos is your friend. 1315 01:16:18,941 --> 01:16:20,643 {\an8}-[Kevin] Yes. -There were no Black people on Full House. 1316 01:16:20,709 --> 01:16:22,845 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1317 01:16:22,912 --> 01:16:26,248 {\an8}Shane Gillis, how good is Shane Gillis doing tonight, everybody? Come on. 1318 01:16:26,315 --> 01:16:28,484 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 1319 01:16:28,551 --> 01:16:31,220 Isn't Shane what we all thought Schwarzenegger and the maid's kid 1320 01:16:31,287 --> 01:16:33,823 {\an8}-was gonna look like? -[audience laughing] 1321 01:16:33,889 --> 01:16:36,292 {\an8}A big lummoxed body with a Mexican lady mustache? 1322 01:16:36,358 --> 01:16:38,961 {\an8}[audience laughing, applauding] 1323 01:16:39,028 --> 01:16:41,831 {\an8}Jeff Ross, the Roastmaster General is here, everybody. 1324 01:16:41,897 --> 01:16:44,233 {\an8}-[audience applauding, cheering] -[speaks indistinctly] 1325 01:16:44,300 --> 01:16:48,737 {\an8}Jeff Ross, if you're not a pedophile, God sure thought you were gonna be. 1326 01:16:49,872 --> 01:16:53,876 {\an8}Because why would he make your face look like a thumbprint cookie? You… 1327 01:16:53,943 --> 01:16:58,714 {\an8}Jeff Ross looks like he ferries people to Epstein Island in a hot air balloon. 1328 01:16:58,781 --> 01:17:01,484 {\an8}And I wrote that without even knowing how he was gonna dress tonight. 1329 01:17:01,550 --> 01:17:06,522 {\an8}[audience laughing, applauding] 1330 01:17:06,589 --> 01:17:09,525 {\an8}The queen of roasting is not here tonight, Nikki Glaser, 1331 01:17:09,592 --> 01:17:13,863 {\an8}of course, because it's Chelsea Handler's week with the substance. 1332 01:17:13,929 --> 01:17:15,931 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -[laughs] 1333 01:17:17,700 --> 01:17:20,136 {\an8}They each get one week, you can't cross over. 1334 01:17:23,606 --> 01:17:25,841 {\an8}Handler, you old bag of Botox. 1335 01:17:25,908 --> 01:17:27,910 {\an8}I feel like you're a girl that I would call by her last name 1336 01:17:27,977 --> 01:17:29,645 {\an8}if I knew you better. "Handler." 1337 01:17:29,712 --> 01:17:33,349 {\an8}You know, Handler here famously had sex with 50 Cent 1338 01:17:33,415 --> 01:17:36,352 {\an8}and Asian-American comedian Jo Koy. 1339 01:17:36,418 --> 01:17:39,922 {\an8}Damn, Goldilocks, what is your problem with regular-sized dicks? 1340 01:17:39,989 --> 01:17:42,992 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -Do you have to try them all out first? 1341 01:17:45,094 --> 01:17:47,062 -Chelsea Handler and 50 Cent sex. -[chuckles] 1342 01:17:47,129 --> 01:17:49,899 {\an8}What do you guys think that smells like? I bet you got some ideas. 1343 01:17:49,965 --> 01:17:51,967 {\an8}-I wrote a few down. -[audience laughing] 1344 01:17:54,069 --> 01:17:59,808 {\an8}Lilac and corn chips. Witch hazel and purple vitamin water. 1345 01:17:59,875 --> 01:18:03,012 {\an8}-Logan Berry and fired gun. -[audience laughing] 1346 01:18:03,078 --> 01:18:06,282 {\an8}Old hands and new sneakers. You could play at home if you want. 1347 01:18:07,750 --> 01:18:12,054 {\an8}Pumpkin spice and P Diddy rumors. #50CentHandlerSmells. 1348 01:18:12,121 --> 01:18:14,490 -[clicks tongue] -[audience laughing] 1349 01:18:14,557 --> 01:18:16,292 {\an8}Sheryl Underwood is here. 1350 01:18:16,358 --> 01:18:19,094 {\an8}-Sheryl Underwood, a comedy legend. -[audience applauding, cheering] 1351 01:18:19,161 --> 01:18:23,933 {\an8}And a beautiful Black woman, with the word "Black" in bold italics. 1352 01:18:23,999 --> 01:18:27,469 {\an8}Sheryl Underwood is as Black as the road is black. 1353 01:18:27,536 --> 01:18:31,640 {\an8}She looks like somebody made a genie wish for a puddle of mud to come to life. 1354 01:18:33,209 --> 01:18:36,712 {\an8}[chuckles] Sheryl Underwood is as Black as interstellar phenomenon. 1355 01:18:36,779 --> 01:18:38,314 {\an8}If she stood against a brick wall, 1356 01:18:38,380 --> 01:18:40,149 {\an8}the roadrunner could run right through her. 1357 01:18:40,216 --> 01:18:41,884 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1358 01:18:41,951 --> 01:18:44,687 {\an8}Sheryl Underwood is so Black, we had to bring on Draymond Green 1359 01:18:44,753 --> 01:18:46,855 {\an8}just to color-balance the fucking cameras. 1360 01:18:46,922 --> 01:18:49,225 {\an8}[audience laughing, applauding] 1361 01:18:52,895 --> 01:18:56,098 {\an8}[Sheryl speaks indistinctly] 1362 01:18:56,165 --> 01:18:57,499 {\an8}We became friends earlier. 1363 01:18:59,168 --> 01:19:01,070 {\an8}My good friend Tony Hinchcliffe is here. 1364 01:19:01,136 --> 01:19:03,072 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 1365 01:19:04,206 --> 01:19:07,076 {\an8}Tony fucking Hinchcliffe is here! Make some noise, God damn. 1366 01:19:07,142 --> 01:19:10,279 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 1367 01:19:10,346 --> 01:19:13,716 {\an8}A lot of people might not remember, but Tony actually got cancelled one time 1368 01:19:13,782 --> 01:19:18,220 {\an8}by his very own Asian opener for calling Tony a racist, yeah. 1369 01:19:18,287 --> 01:19:22,558 {\an8}And then Tony hired a new Asian opener to prove that he wasn't a racist. 1370 01:19:22,625 --> 01:19:24,994 {\an8}which I thought was the original Asian opener 1371 01:19:25,060 --> 01:19:28,530 {\an8}-because I'm a racist. -[audience laughing, applauding] 1372 01:19:32,368 --> 01:19:35,037 {\an8}How about Tony's mouth, by the way? All the mouths over here. 1373 01:19:35,104 --> 01:19:39,808 {\an8}Pete Davidson's fucking mouth is crazy. I've known Pete since he was 17 years old. 1374 01:19:39,875 --> 01:19:41,777 {\an8}I always dreamed that one day his head and body would grow 1375 01:19:41,844 --> 01:19:47,049 {\an8}-into his teeth and dick. -[audience laughing, cheering] 1376 01:19:47,116 --> 01:19:48,751 {\an8}Between Tony, Pete, Sheryl, we don't need chairs up here. 1377 01:19:48,817 --> 01:19:50,185 {\an8}We need fucking stables. 1378 01:19:51,754 --> 01:19:54,823 {\an8}Thank God we kept them all over here before they buck Handler. 1379 01:19:57,459 --> 01:20:00,362 {\an8}You know, Lizzo, how about that? How crazy is that? 1380 01:20:00,429 --> 01:20:02,398 {\an8}-Lizzo probably doesn't even know this. -[audience cheering, applauding] 1381 01:20:02,464 --> 01:20:05,301 {\an8}She doesn't even know this, but we were in a movie together. 1382 01:20:05,367 --> 01:20:08,470 {\an8}We were in the movie Hustlers where I played a strip club DJ 1383 01:20:08,537 --> 01:20:14,343 {\an8}and Lizzo very bravely portrayed a stripper, very bravely. 1384 01:20:14,410 --> 01:20:15,411 In fact, it was so brave 1385 01:20:15,477 --> 01:20:17,246 {\an8}that every time she'd come on set in her stripper outfit, 1386 01:20:17,313 --> 01:20:19,682 {\an8}I would get in trouble for starting slow claps. 1387 01:20:19,748 --> 01:20:24,153 [audience laughs] 1388 01:20:30,426 --> 01:20:32,194 {\an8}And finally, the reason that we're all here, 1389 01:20:32,261 --> 01:20:34,730 {\an8}the one, the only, my boy Kevin Hart, everyone. 1390 01:20:38,934 --> 01:20:41,170 {\an8}I've known Kevin for twenty-eight years now, 1391 01:20:41,236 --> 01:20:44,106 {\an8}and it's a strange thing because I only actually knew him 1392 01:20:44,173 --> 01:20:48,811 {\an8}for the first five years, so I know pre-famous Kev. 1393 01:20:48,877 --> 01:20:50,979 {\an8}I don't know famous Kevin at all. 1394 01:20:51,046 --> 01:20:54,083 {\an8}Famous Kevin is sitting on sixty-seven unanswered texts 1395 01:20:54,149 --> 01:20:57,653 {\an8}from me, up to and including, "Hey, Kev, 1396 01:20:57,720 --> 01:21:00,389 {\an8}super psyched for the roast, thanks for including me." 1397 01:21:03,525 --> 01:21:05,928 {\an8}I don't know the guy farting out Fabletics ads 1398 01:21:05,994 --> 01:21:07,629 {\an8}or staring down the dick hole 1399 01:21:07,696 --> 01:21:10,799 {\an8}of General Insurance hype man Shaquille O'Neal or… 1400 01:21:12,501 --> 01:21:14,636 shoving your fucking dumb tequila down our throats. 1401 01:21:14,703 --> 01:21:17,139 I know the person, Kevin Hart. 1402 01:21:17,206 --> 01:21:21,343 And I have a story I wanted to close on about Kev that means… 1403 01:21:21,410 --> 01:21:22,444 [chuckles] 1404 01:21:23,479 --> 01:21:25,547 {\an8}This is actually emotional, this is good. 1405 01:21:26,582 --> 01:21:27,916 {\an8}In 2012, 1406 01:21:32,488 --> 01:21:36,792 Hurricane Sandy devastated me. I lived in Long Island, New York. 1407 01:21:36,859 --> 01:21:40,963 I lost-- The place I was living was all fucked up and my car. 1408 01:21:43,499 --> 01:21:45,300 {\an8}I had no money. 1409 01:21:45,367 --> 01:21:48,604 {\an8}I was broke and with my wife and my daughter, 1410 01:21:48,670 --> 01:21:49,905 {\an8}and just a humiliating time. 1411 01:21:49,972 --> 01:21:52,441 {\an8}And as word started to spread that I got fucked up 1412 01:21:52,508 --> 01:21:56,645 {\an8}by this hurricane so bad, I started getting phone calls after years, 1413 01:21:56,712 --> 01:22:00,449 {\an8}from Kev, and I kept seeing his number, and I wouldn't answer. 1414 01:22:00,516 --> 01:22:03,752 I was too full of ego and pride and like… 1415 01:22:03,819 --> 01:22:05,387 [Kevin laughs] 1416 01:22:07,156 --> 01:22:08,724 I was too embarrassed to take his calls. 1417 01:22:08,791 --> 01:22:11,260 I knew he was going to try to come in and save the day and give me money 1418 01:22:11,326 --> 01:22:13,962 or something, and I was just, I didn't want to deal with it. 1419 01:22:14,029 --> 01:22:18,033 And then I got a phone call from our mentor. 1420 01:22:18,100 --> 01:22:21,870 Me and Kev had the same mentor, who is an amazing guy. 1421 01:22:21,937 --> 01:22:25,774 {\an8}The guy who helped so many comics come up and probably the reason 1422 01:22:25,841 --> 01:22:28,310 {\an8}that me and you are even standing here today, 1423 01:22:28,377 --> 01:22:30,746 {\an8}the guy who taught us everything, our mentor, 1424 01:22:30,813 --> 01:22:32,781 {\an8}the late, great Keith Robinson. 1425 01:22:32,848 --> 01:22:35,717 [Kevin laughs] No, he's still alive. 1426 01:22:38,554 --> 01:22:40,088 [audience laughs] 1427 01:22:43,225 --> 01:22:46,929 [Kevin] He's still alive. He's still alive, man. 1428 01:22:49,465 --> 01:22:50,532 [Jay] He's still alive? 1429 01:22:50,599 --> 01:22:52,801 {\an8}-[Kevin] He's still alive, Jay. -Oh. 1430 01:22:52,868 --> 01:22:54,570 He died to me after you got famous. 1431 01:22:54,636 --> 01:22:58,207 {\an8}-[audience laughs] -Hey, Keith. 1432 01:22:59,374 --> 01:23:00,375 {\an8}Well… 1433 01:23:02,110 --> 01:23:03,645 {\an8}Well, anyway, Keith called me. 1434 01:23:07,983 --> 01:23:09,852 {\an8}And I answered the phone for Keith. 1435 01:23:10,953 --> 01:23:14,857 {\an8}And Keith, in his old seventies pimp voice said, he goes, "Hey." 1436 01:23:14,923 --> 01:23:17,860 {\an8}"Answer the phone for Kev. He's trying to call you." 1437 01:23:17,926 --> 01:23:19,094 {\an8}"He wants to help you out." 1438 01:23:19,161 --> 01:23:21,864 {\an8}And I said, "No, I'm not answering the phone." 1439 01:23:21,930 --> 01:23:23,232 {\an8}"I know he's trying to give me money." 1440 01:23:23,298 --> 01:23:25,167 {\an8}"It's going to make me feel uncomfortable." 1441 01:23:25,234 --> 01:23:27,803 {\an8}"I'm embarrassed. I can't do it." 1442 01:23:27,870 --> 01:23:31,440 {\an8}And then Keith told me, he goes, "Come on, man, stop." 1443 01:23:31,507 --> 01:23:33,742 {\an8}He's trying to give you ten thousand dollars. 1444 01:23:36,144 --> 01:23:40,082 {\an8}And that, like, at the time, that was a gazillion dollars to me. 1445 01:23:40,148 --> 01:23:41,083 {\an8}It was everything. 1446 01:23:41,149 --> 01:23:43,051 {\an8}And I said, "No, I can't take it. It's too much." 1447 01:23:43,118 --> 01:23:44,786 {\an8}"I can't pay it back." 1448 01:23:44,853 --> 01:23:46,688 {\an8}And he said, "He's not trying to get you to pay it back, 1449 01:23:46,755 --> 01:23:49,558 {\an8}he wants to give it to you." And I said, "No, I can't do it." 1450 01:23:49,625 --> 01:23:51,660 {\an8}"It's insane, it's too much money." 1451 01:23:51,727 --> 01:23:57,099 {\an8}And then Keith, in his wise words, said to me, "It's insultingly low." 1452 01:23:57,165 --> 01:24:00,702 {\an8}[audience laughs] 1453 01:24:03,639 --> 01:24:06,375 {\an8}And in hindsight, he's right. Ten thousand-- 1454 01:24:06,441 --> 01:24:09,478 {\an8}He'd already done Ride Along, five, six movies, easy already. 1455 01:24:12,881 --> 01:24:14,983 {\an8}But whether it was low or not, what it did was, Kev, 1456 01:24:15,050 --> 01:24:17,920 {\an8}it got me back on my feet enough that I was able 1457 01:24:17,986 --> 01:24:22,357 {\an8}to get my wife and daughter back into our apartment. 1458 01:24:22,424 --> 01:24:24,159 {\an8}And then I was able to take the rest of that money, 1459 01:24:24,226 --> 01:24:26,461 {\an8}and in true Kevin Hart fashion, 1460 01:24:26,528 --> 01:24:28,597 {\an8}immediately leave my first family. 1461 01:24:28,664 --> 01:24:30,132 {\an8}[audience laughs] 1462 01:24:30,198 --> 01:24:32,701 {\an8}So thank you, Kev, for sending me on my way, my man. 1463 01:24:32,768 --> 01:24:34,002 I love you so much. 1464 01:24:35,404 --> 01:24:36,605 Thank you for having me. 1465 01:24:36,672 --> 01:24:39,908 [cheering and applause] 1466 01:24:43,712 --> 01:24:45,247 {\an8}Big Jay Oakerson, everybody. 1467 01:24:45,314 --> 01:24:46,548 {\an8}Keep it going for Jay. 1468 01:24:51,253 --> 01:24:54,556 {\an8}We asked Teyana Taylor to be here at the roast tonight, 1469 01:24:54,623 --> 01:24:58,927 {\an8}but she sent a letter explaining why she couldn't be here. 1470 01:24:58,994 --> 01:25:02,698 {\an8}Now to read that letter, please welcome Teyana Taylor, everybody. 1471 01:25:02,764 --> 01:25:06,134 -[cheering and applause] -[upbeat music playing] 1472 01:25:18,347 --> 01:25:20,349 {\an8}[music concludes] 1473 01:25:20,415 --> 01:25:21,917 {\an8}Thank you, thank you. 1474 01:25:27,723 --> 01:25:30,225 {\an8}[audience continues cheering] 1475 01:25:41,803 --> 01:25:47,142 {\an8}Dear Kevin, first of all, what's up, bitch? 1476 01:25:49,611 --> 01:25:52,481 {\an8}Two plus two not knowing what the fuck it is, bitch. 1477 01:25:54,182 --> 01:25:57,786 {\an8}Built like you asked for one adult ticket with confidence, bitch. 1478 01:25:57,853 --> 01:26:00,055 {\an8}-[audience chuckling] -How you doing? 1479 01:26:00,122 --> 01:26:01,556 {\an8}Kevin, I'm writing you this letter from my kitchen 1480 01:26:01,623 --> 01:26:04,660 {\an8}because one of your movies is playing in my living room right now, 1481 01:26:04,726 --> 01:26:07,229 {\an8}and my five-year-old yelled out that you was built like you came 1482 01:26:07,295 --> 01:26:09,931 {\an8}with triple-A batteries in a Barbie car. 1483 01:26:09,998 --> 01:26:12,868 {\an8}My ten-year-old asked, "Mommy if Uncle Kev is five-three 1484 01:26:12,934 --> 01:26:15,337 {\an8}and I'm four-ten, how am I still taller than him?" 1485 01:26:15,404 --> 01:26:17,139 {\an8}-And… -[audience cheering] 1486 01:26:18,473 --> 01:26:22,678 {\an8}And honestly, Kev, I couldn't answer that. Just couldn't answer that. 1487 01:26:22,744 --> 01:26:24,546 {\an8}Anyways, I couldn't make it tonight 1488 01:26:24,613 --> 01:26:26,682 {\an8}because I didn't want to show off the-- 1489 01:26:26,748 --> 01:26:28,483 {\an8}you know, I didn't want to throw off the balance of the dais 1490 01:26:28,550 --> 01:26:33,388 {\an8}by adding Oscar nominee, Time Woman of the Year, Golden Globe winner, 1491 01:26:33,455 --> 01:26:35,857 {\an8}-you know, to the lineup. -[audience cheering, applauding] 1492 01:26:35,924 --> 01:26:41,630 {\an8}That just… That just wouldn't be fair to anybody, especially you. 1493 01:26:41,697 --> 01:26:45,567 {\an8}See, I feel like roasting you is kind of beneath me, you know? 1494 01:26:45,634 --> 01:26:48,203 {\an8}I know it's kind of like a foreign thing, a foreign concept, 1495 01:26:48,270 --> 01:26:51,707 {\an8}because it's literally nothing that is beneath you, but still. 1496 01:26:51,773 --> 01:26:53,341 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 1497 01:26:53,408 --> 01:26:55,644 {\an8}I would never say something so hateful 1498 01:26:55,711 --> 01:26:57,813 {\an8}like "I starred in One Battle After Another 1499 01:26:57,879 --> 01:27:01,283 {\an8}while Kevin's career has been one bomb after another." 1500 01:27:01,349 --> 01:27:04,986 {\an8}I mean, that would just be so cruel, you know? 1501 01:27:05,053 --> 01:27:11,159 {\an8}I would never do that, Kev. That's Rotten Tomatoes' job, but unlike… 1502 01:27:11,226 --> 01:27:12,227 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 1503 01:27:12,294 --> 01:27:15,497 {\an8}But unlike those very fair and balanced critics, 1504 01:27:15,564 --> 01:27:18,066 {\an8}I actually respect you a little bit. 1505 01:27:18,133 --> 01:27:20,235 {\an8}That's why I asked you to present me with my award 1506 01:27:20,302 --> 01:27:22,204 {\an8}at Elle Woman in Hollywood. 1507 01:27:22,270 --> 01:27:24,740 {\an8}But you was fake busy, talking about some, "I tried, 1508 01:27:24,806 --> 01:27:27,375 {\an8}I tried, Jumanji doing reshoots, head ass…" Shut up! 1509 01:27:28,643 --> 01:27:32,547 {\an8}The fuck? So with that being said, why would I come to your shit? 1510 01:27:32,614 --> 01:27:36,351 {\an8}Well, to be the bigger person, obviously. 1511 01:27:37,185 --> 01:27:40,322 {\an8}Which honestly isn't really hard around you. 1512 01:27:40,388 --> 01:27:43,425 {\an8}But most importantly, 1513 01:27:43,492 --> 01:27:46,795 {\an8}Netflix paid me a lot of fucking money to write this letter. 1514 01:27:46,862 --> 01:27:48,764 {\an8}Ain't this a bitch? 1515 01:27:48,830 --> 01:27:49,898 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 1516 01:27:49,965 --> 01:27:52,100 {\an8}Be my fucking friend and be here. 1517 01:27:52,167 --> 01:27:55,971 {\an8}I'm here. I'm here. I'm here and this letter. I'm here. I'm here, here. 1518 01:27:56,037 --> 01:27:57,739 {\an8}Because I damn sure wasn't doing this shit for free. 1519 01:27:57,806 --> 01:27:58,940 {\an8}I ain't going to hold you, Kev. 1520 01:27:59,007 --> 01:28:02,911 {\an8}But for the right price, here I am with this heartfelt letter. 1521 01:28:02,978 --> 01:28:06,681 {\an8}Four-page letter. Signed it with a kiss. Sealed it with a kiss, baby shit. 1522 01:28:07,883 --> 01:28:09,718 {\an8}Um, you know what's so crazy? 1523 01:28:09,785 --> 01:28:12,454 {\an8}I remember when we first met, about 15 years ago, 1524 01:28:12,521 --> 01:28:14,089 {\an8}-at a Halloween party. -[Kevin] Yeah. 1525 01:28:14,156 --> 01:28:17,125 {\an8}I was dressed as white boy Bob from Marketing, 1526 01:28:17,192 --> 01:28:19,728 {\an8}and you were dressed as Eddie Murphy. Here's a photo. 1527 01:28:19,795 --> 01:28:21,463 {\an8}[audience laughs] 1528 01:28:21,530 --> 01:28:26,902 {\an8}[Kevin] Yeah. It's a good time. We had a good time, T. 1529 01:28:26,968 --> 01:28:30,005 {\an8}We had a good time this night, T. 1530 01:28:30,071 --> 01:28:34,242 {\an8}I remember this night. We had a good fucking time. 1531 01:28:34,309 --> 01:28:36,711 {\an8}Tell the people that we had a good fucking time. 1532 01:28:37,813 --> 01:28:39,648 {\an8}Tell them that we had a good fucking time, T. 1533 01:28:39,714 --> 01:28:41,716 {\an8}I got you. I got you. 1534 01:28:41,783 --> 01:28:45,287 {\an8}Man, we had a great time. You know, look at us. 1535 01:28:45,353 --> 01:28:47,756 {\an8}Just young and, you know, like, 1536 01:28:47,823 --> 01:28:49,858 {\an8}it was really a time-- especially at a time where, 1537 01:28:49,925 --> 01:28:52,127 {\an8}like, everybody wanted to wear the sexy costumes. 1538 01:28:52,194 --> 01:28:53,762 {\an8}Them bitches was kittens and shit. 1539 01:28:53,829 --> 01:28:55,697 {\an8}You know, and then here our dumbasses just looking 1540 01:28:55,764 --> 01:28:59,234 {\an8}like Thomas Jefferson and one of his unclaimed Black kids. 1541 01:28:59,301 --> 01:29:01,136 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 1542 01:29:01,203 --> 01:29:05,540 {\an8}Yeah. I ain't gonna front. We both got some audacity in that picture. 1543 01:29:05,607 --> 01:29:07,742 {\an8}But, Kevin, you… 1544 01:29:07,809 --> 01:29:13,515 {\an8}dressed up as an iconic, funny comedian is unbelievable 1545 01:29:13,582 --> 01:29:16,885 {\an8}and is disrespectful and is inappropriate. Don't ever do that shit again. 1546 01:29:16,952 --> 01:29:18,954 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 1547 01:29:19,020 --> 01:29:20,889 {\an8}But in all seriousness, bro, no, real shit. 1548 01:29:20,956 --> 01:29:23,225 {\an8}Bro, this is the serious part. I'm so serious. 1549 01:29:23,291 --> 01:29:27,762 {\an8}I really, truly love you. You are a fucking little icon. 1550 01:29:27,829 --> 01:29:31,066 {\an8}-And like… -[audience cheering, applauding] 1551 01:29:31,132 --> 01:29:33,235 {\an8}No, I really do. Like, you're a fucking legend, 1552 01:29:33,301 --> 01:29:35,604 {\an8}and I mean that from the bottom of my heart, 1553 01:29:35,670 --> 01:29:38,707 {\an8}which thankfully for you is still above your head. 1554 01:29:40,609 --> 01:29:42,911 {\an8}-I'm sorry. -You just said you was done. 1555 01:29:42,978 --> 01:29:46,815 {\an8}You said you were done. Be fucking sweet. Come on. 1556 01:29:46,882 --> 01:29:50,218 {\an8}Be nice to me. Come on. Fucking, we're friends. 1557 01:29:50,285 --> 01:29:54,189 {\an8}-We're real friends. Be my fucking friend. -My feelings is hurt. 1558 01:29:54,256 --> 01:29:56,658 {\an8}-My letter's over. -[Kevin] Okay. Oh, no. 1559 01:29:56,725 --> 01:29:59,194 {\an8}-Sincerely yours, T. -[Kevin] Oh, no, Teyana. 1560 01:29:59,261 --> 01:30:04,199 {\an8}No, Teyana, don't storm off. Teyana, don't storm off. 1561 01:30:04,266 --> 01:30:06,768 {\an8}-Fuck. -[audience cheering, applauding] 1562 01:30:09,170 --> 01:30:11,006 [Kevin] Make the people give some love. 1563 01:30:11,072 --> 01:30:12,841 {\an8}Hey, keep it going for Teyana, everybody. 1564 01:30:12,908 --> 01:30:15,644 {\an8}-[Kevin] Thank you, Shane. -Man. 1565 01:30:17,379 --> 01:30:21,216 {\an8}Thank God she's good looking, cuz boy, is that bitch not funny at all. 1566 01:30:21,283 --> 01:30:25,420 {\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding] -Also, Pete, Pete. 1567 01:30:28,356 --> 01:30:31,426 {\an8}Pete, you're the only one that can do it. Do it, brother. 1568 01:30:31,493 --> 01:30:33,128 {\an8}Holy shit. 1569 01:30:34,462 --> 01:30:37,132 {\an8}Just don't let her read a letter again ever. Uh… 1570 01:30:43,305 --> 01:30:46,775 {\an8}Hopefully she gets mad at me and talks to me later. [laughs] 1571 01:30:48,843 --> 01:30:52,514 {\an8}-Tony Hinchcliffe is here. Yes. -[audience cheering, applauding] 1572 01:30:54,516 --> 01:30:57,218 {\an8}Tony reminds me of a prince who studies gladiators. 1573 01:30:58,853 --> 01:31:02,357 {\an8}Look at the physique. Fuck yeah. 1574 01:31:02,424 --> 01:31:05,226 {\an8}I'm so fucking entertained right now. Fuck yeah. 1575 01:31:07,128 --> 01:31:09,230 {\an8}[laughs] I thought it was funny, dude. 1576 01:31:09,297 --> 01:31:12,634 {\an8}All right, get ready to hear some real racist jokes 1577 01:31:12,701 --> 01:31:16,237 {\an8}from a guy who truly believes them and hopes JD Vance is watching. 1578 01:31:17,806 --> 01:31:20,909 {\an8}Guys, Tony Hinchcliffe. Make some noise for Tony. 1579 01:31:20,976 --> 01:31:24,112 {\an8}-[upbeat music playing] -[audience cheering, applauding] 1580 01:31:27,415 --> 01:31:31,219 {\an8}Hell yeah. One more time for Teyana Taylor, everybody. 1581 01:31:31,286 --> 01:31:33,488 {\an8}That was amazing. This roast is so ghetto, 1582 01:31:33,555 --> 01:31:37,292 {\an8}I thought I heard a fire alarm chirp at one point during her set. 1583 01:31:39,227 --> 01:31:42,497 {\an8}Are you still watching? One more time for Shane Gillis. 1584 01:31:42,564 --> 01:31:46,534 {\an8}He looks like the type of slave owner that you can trick into buying Kevin Hart. 1585 01:31:48,103 --> 01:31:52,040 {\an8}-Uh, so, uh, he'll get bigger, right? Uh… -[audience cheering, applauding] 1586 01:31:52,107 --> 01:31:57,479 {\an8}If Kevin was a slave, his song would be, "Let My People Grow." 1587 01:31:58,747 --> 01:32:02,183 {\an8}This is a big roast. Kevin Hart is trying to fill Tom Brady's shoes. 1588 01:32:02,250 --> 01:32:04,652 {\an8}A lot of extra space. 1589 01:32:04,719 --> 01:32:09,190 {\an8}That's like Pete Davidson's dick trying to fill Kim Kardashian's vagina. 1590 01:32:09,257 --> 01:32:11,159 {\an8}Indeed, the closest Pete has come 1591 01:32:11,226 --> 01:32:13,528 {\an8}to greatness is when his dick rubbed up 1592 01:32:13,595 --> 01:32:15,597 {\an8}against some of Kanye's old cum. 1593 01:32:17,298 --> 01:32:20,502 {\an8}Nobody can name a joke or a sketch you've ever done, Pete. 1594 01:32:20,568 --> 01:32:22,437 {\an8}If your father could see how you turned out, 1595 01:32:22,504 --> 01:32:24,005 {\an8}he'd be rolling in his rubble. 1596 01:32:25,373 --> 01:32:28,376 {\an8}Regina Hall is here. She was in a hit movie, 1597 01:32:28,443 --> 01:32:32,514 {\an8}One Battle After Another, which is how Lizzo describes stairs. 1598 01:32:32,580 --> 01:32:34,516 {\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding] -Yeah. 1599 01:32:44,426 --> 01:32:48,029 {\an8}We knew Chelsea Handler would be available today 1600 01:32:48,096 --> 01:32:51,533 {\an8}-because it's Mother's Day. -[audience cheering, applauding] 1601 01:32:51,599 --> 01:32:57,705 {\an8}Chelsea is a Jew, that's why she's here. That's also the best thing about her. 1602 01:32:57,772 --> 01:32:59,174 {\an8}She once dated 50 Cent, 1603 01:32:59,240 --> 01:33:02,577 {\an8}not the first time a Jew bent over for 50 Cent. 1604 01:33:04,045 --> 01:33:06,347 {\an8}Chelsea, why so serious? 1605 01:33:07,515 --> 01:33:10,385 {\an8}[chuckles] She looks like the fucking Joker, people. 1606 01:33:10,452 --> 01:33:13,188 {\an8}She's aging like a vegetable in Lizzo's fridge. 1607 01:33:13,254 --> 01:33:14,689 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 1608 01:33:14,756 --> 01:33:18,059 {\an8}Yeah, and she fucking sucks, and always has, by the way. 1609 01:33:18,126 --> 01:33:21,296 {\an8}Her whole act is just talking about how it's stupid to have kids. 1610 01:33:21,362 --> 01:33:23,998 {\an8}We get it, your ovaries are busted. 1611 01:33:24,065 --> 01:33:26,868 {\an8}That's like if Kevin's whole act was about how roller coasters 1612 01:33:26,935 --> 01:33:30,238 {\an8}-aren't that cool anyway. -[audience cheering, applauding] 1613 01:33:31,639 --> 01:33:34,476 {\an8}But seriously, Chelsea actually had her eggs frozen, 1614 01:33:34,542 --> 01:33:37,946 {\an8}not on purpose, they're just inside of a cold, frigid bitch. 1615 01:33:40,582 --> 01:33:44,886 {\an8}Yeah. I call her Sterile Underwood. 1616 01:33:45,987 --> 01:33:50,258 {\an8}Sheryl Underwood, more like Under A Rock, who even is this bitch? 1617 01:33:50,325 --> 01:33:54,295 {\an8}You look like a grape Laffy Taffy that went through the dryer. 1618 01:33:54,362 --> 01:33:58,433 {\an8}How have you been sitting next to me and playing drums the whole night? 1619 01:33:58,500 --> 01:34:00,034 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 1620 01:34:00,101 --> 01:34:05,773 {\an8}That hair, the purple, you look like your own pussy. 1621 01:34:07,308 --> 01:34:09,944 {\an8}She was on a show called The Talk for 13 years. 1622 01:34:10,011 --> 01:34:11,946 {\an8}If you never saw it, here's what you missed. 1623 01:34:12,013 --> 01:34:18,486 {\an8}"No, no, no, hold up, let me, no, no, no, no, let me talk." 1624 01:34:18,553 --> 01:34:21,156 {\an8}Her husband committed suicide three years into their marriage. 1625 01:34:21,222 --> 01:34:23,558 {\an8}I've been sitting next to her for two hours and I have to ask, 1626 01:34:23,625 --> 01:34:25,660 {\an8}how did he last that long? 1627 01:34:25,727 --> 01:34:27,295 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 1628 01:34:28,296 --> 01:34:33,735 {\an8}Draymond Green is a naughty guy. He has paid four million dollars in fines. 1629 01:34:33,801 --> 01:34:38,173 {\an8}Did you name your daughter Cash because you plan on losing her anyway? 1630 01:34:38,239 --> 01:34:41,943 {\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding] -[chuckles] Cash, amazing. 1631 01:34:42,010 --> 01:34:46,614 {\an8}She won't even have to change her name when she gets hired at the strip club. 1632 01:34:48,683 --> 01:34:51,953 {\an8}Jeff Ross is here looking like the ghost of strawberry cheesecake. 1633 01:34:52,020 --> 01:34:54,122 {\an8}-[laughs] -[audience cheering, applauding] 1634 01:34:55,456 --> 01:34:56,457 {\an8}Yeah. 1635 01:35:00,128 --> 01:35:03,765 {\an8}Jeff Ross beat cancer this year. 1636 01:35:03,831 --> 01:35:05,934 {\an8}-My good friend beat cancer. -[audience cheering, applauding] 1637 01:35:06,000 --> 01:35:08,102 {\an8}But you know cancer is out there. 1638 01:35:08,169 --> 01:35:10,905 {\an8}Cancer's out there somewhere talking to its friends like, 1639 01:35:10,972 --> 01:35:13,775 {\an8}-"You gotta see the other guy." -[audience cheering, applauding] 1640 01:35:13,841 --> 01:35:17,111 {\an8}Jeff is so Jewish that when the hospital gave him his bill, 1641 01:35:17,178 --> 01:35:20,248 {\an8}he's like, "Can you put some of the cancer back in?" 1642 01:35:20,315 --> 01:35:22,617 {\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding] -[laughs] 1643 01:35:22,684 --> 01:35:25,286 {\an8}Kevin Hart, ladies and gentlemen, he was born nine months 1644 01:35:25,353 --> 01:35:29,557 {\an8}after his father spit a watermelon seed into his mother's vagina. 1645 01:35:29,624 --> 01:35:31,292 {\an8}[audience laughs] 1646 01:35:32,727 --> 01:35:34,062 {\an8}Yep, I did that. 1647 01:35:36,831 --> 01:35:39,367 {\an8}And then he was born, nine pounds, seven ounces, 1648 01:35:39,434 --> 01:35:41,502 {\an8}and he remains the same today. 1649 01:35:42,804 --> 01:35:47,041 {\an8}Kevin is so small, people call him the lowercase N-word. 1650 01:35:47,108 --> 01:35:49,043 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 1651 01:35:49,110 --> 01:35:52,113 {\an8}He was raised by a single mother and a stepladder. 1652 01:35:53,781 --> 01:35:56,851 {\an8}Because of Kevin's awful childhood and feelings of inadequacy, 1653 01:35:56,918 --> 01:36:00,922 {\an8}he became a workaholic to distract himself from the grief of who he is on the inside. 1654 01:36:00,989 --> 01:36:04,425 {\an8}And to make matters worse, his inner child is taller than him. 1655 01:36:06,294 --> 01:36:08,563 {\an8}But look at him now. Oh, you're not wearing a chain. 1656 01:36:08,630 --> 01:36:09,797 {\an8}I was gonna say nice chain, Kevin. 1657 01:36:09,864 --> 01:36:12,600 {\an8}It would make a great bracelet for a normal-sized black man. 1658 01:36:12,667 --> 01:36:13,835 {\an8}But you didn't wear the normal chain 1659 01:36:13,901 --> 01:36:16,938 {\an8}that you wear to overcompensate for how small you are. 1660 01:36:17,005 --> 01:36:18,306 {\an8}Kevin has so few Black friends 1661 01:36:18,373 --> 01:36:22,143 {\an8}that he started a vegan fast-food chain and nobody stopped him. 1662 01:36:22,210 --> 01:36:25,079 {\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding] -[laughs] 1663 01:36:25,146 --> 01:36:27,315 {\an8}His vegan restaurant is like his movies, 1664 01:36:27,382 --> 01:36:31,185 {\an8}because you don't have to go to know it fucking sucks. 1665 01:36:31,252 --> 01:36:34,622 {\an8}Kevin, in a town full of successful pedophiles, 1666 01:36:34,689 --> 01:36:38,826 {\an8}it's great to know that you are not one, but in fairness, if you ever tried, 1667 01:36:38,893 --> 01:36:43,197 {\an8}any fuckable ten-year-old would beat the living shit out of you. 1668 01:36:43,264 --> 01:36:45,099 {\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding] -His audience is so ghetto 1669 01:36:45,166 --> 01:36:47,935 {\an8}that his merch table has more gunfire than Charlie Kirk's. 1670 01:36:48,002 --> 01:36:49,070 {\an8}[audience groans] 1671 01:36:49,137 --> 01:36:53,141 {\an8}Kevin, if you're here, who's holding P Diddy's pocket in jail? 1672 01:36:53,207 --> 01:36:54,942 {\an8}Kevin has been so far up The Rock's ass 1673 01:36:55,009 --> 01:36:57,879 {\an8}that he can actually smell what he's been cooking. 1674 01:36:57,945 --> 01:36:59,747 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 1675 01:36:59,814 --> 01:37:05,286 {\an8}Kevin-- The Rock played Black Adam. Kevin is the size of a Black atom. 1676 01:37:05,353 --> 01:37:06,554 {\an8}He's won two Grammys, 1677 01:37:06,621 --> 01:37:10,191 {\an8}at least that's what the scale says when he stands on it. 1678 01:37:10,258 --> 01:37:11,793 {\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding] -Two Grammys. 1679 01:37:11,859 --> 01:37:15,963 {\an8}Lizzo has ate… everything that's ever been put in front of her. 1680 01:37:16,030 --> 01:37:18,433 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 1681 01:37:18,499 --> 01:37:21,169 {\an8}But Lizzo, you look great. You really do. 1682 01:37:21,235 --> 01:37:24,072 {\an8}People describing you no longer have to say the word "really" 1683 01:37:24,138 --> 01:37:26,407 {\an8}before saying the word "fat." 1684 01:37:26,474 --> 01:37:30,511 {\an8}[chuckles] She loves flutin' as much as she loves gluten. 1685 01:37:30,578 --> 01:37:32,380 {\an8}[audience cheering] 1686 01:37:32,447 --> 01:37:35,583 {\an8}You know, Kevin, they told me not to mention your kids on this roast, 1687 01:37:35,650 --> 01:37:38,353 {\an8}but I must say, you did good. 1688 01:37:38,419 --> 01:37:41,589 {\an8}They've gotten so big, they now buckle Kevin up in the car seat. 1689 01:37:43,057 --> 01:37:45,793 {\an8}It's true, he lost his gig hosting the Academy Awards 1690 01:37:45,860 --> 01:37:48,296 {\an8}because of some homophobic tweets, but you'd be homophobic too 1691 01:37:48,363 --> 01:37:50,398 {\an8}if you were eye level with everyone's cock. 1692 01:37:50,465 --> 01:37:52,200 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 1693 01:37:52,266 --> 01:37:54,669 {\an8}He got into a fist fight on a private plane, 1694 01:37:54,736 --> 01:37:57,538 {\an8}proof that no matter how much money Black people have, 1695 01:37:57,605 --> 01:38:03,277 {\an8}they're still just gonna act like ninjas is fighting. 1696 01:38:03,344 --> 01:38:05,012 {\an8}-[laughs] -[audience cheering, applauding] 1697 01:38:05,079 --> 01:38:07,882 {\an8}Like Bill Cosby, Hart is a Black comedian from Philadelphia. 1698 01:38:07,949 --> 01:38:11,252 {\an8}And like Bill Cosby, women don't know when Kevin is inside of them. 1699 01:38:12,387 --> 01:38:15,490 {\an8}You've done good, though, Kevin. The Black community is so proud of you. 1700 01:38:15,556 --> 01:38:18,359 {\an8}Right now, George Floyd is looking up at us all, 1701 01:38:18,426 --> 01:38:23,097 {\an8}-laughing so hard that he can't breathe. -[audience groans] 1702 01:38:23,164 --> 01:38:26,667 {\an8}God bless you, Kevin. God bless this room. 1703 01:38:26,734 --> 01:38:29,170 {\an8}And God bless the United States of America. 1704 01:38:29,237 --> 01:38:31,973 {\an8}-Thank you so much. -[audience cheering, applauding] 1705 01:38:41,182 --> 01:38:42,984 {\an8}[Shane] Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody. 1706 01:38:46,654 --> 01:38:51,225 {\an8}Hey, a lot of people wanted him to fail and he just fucking killed. 1707 01:38:51,292 --> 01:38:55,329 {\an8}-Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody. -[audience cheering, applauding] 1708 01:38:58,499 --> 01:39:02,703 {\an8}-Sheryl Underwood is here. Yeah, Sheryl. -[audience cheering, applauding] 1709 01:39:02,770 --> 01:39:05,406 {\an8}Sheryl got a standing ovation once on Def Jam. 1710 01:39:05,473 --> 01:39:08,075 {\an8}Now she's deaf, eats jam, and has trouble standing. 1711 01:39:10,678 --> 01:39:13,147 {\an8}Sheryl was in the Air Force, but she couldn't fly. 1712 01:39:14,715 --> 01:39:18,419 {\an8}And neither could her husband, who jumped off… [chuckles] 1713 01:39:18,486 --> 01:39:20,855 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 1714 01:39:20,922 --> 01:39:23,925 {\an8}…who jumped off a building, and he died from that. [chuckles] 1715 01:39:25,159 --> 01:39:28,196 {\an8}I swear to God, I called her before this to ask if that was okay. 1716 01:39:28,262 --> 01:39:30,698 {\an8}I would have never done that. 1717 01:39:30,765 --> 01:39:35,069 {\an8}But now she's a Christian comic, so this should fucking suck. Uh… 1718 01:39:35,136 --> 01:39:38,306 {\an8}No, she's the best. Make some noise, Sheryl Underwood, everybody. 1719 01:39:38,372 --> 01:39:41,175 {\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding] -[upbeat music playing] 1720 01:39:47,982 --> 01:39:49,283 {\an8}[music concludes] 1721 01:39:50,551 --> 01:39:51,619 {\an8}First of all… 1722 01:39:53,521 --> 01:39:58,926 {\an8}Tony, you think you hurt my feelings by talking about my dead husband? 1723 01:39:58,993 --> 01:40:00,962 {\an8}My husband only died once. 1724 01:40:01,028 --> 01:40:04,999 {\an8}You die every night with them whack-ass jokes you be telling. 1725 01:40:05,066 --> 01:40:07,168 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 1726 01:40:07,235 --> 01:40:10,304 {\an8}I love the fact that you white boy comics want to say 1727 01:40:10,371 --> 01:40:14,008 {\an8}all the words that Black comics get canceled for saying. 1728 01:40:14,075 --> 01:40:17,812 {\an8}And I'm glad that y'all brought back words like "midget" and "retard." 1729 01:40:17,879 --> 01:40:20,681 {\an8}No, Kevin, I'm not talking about you when I say "midget." 1730 01:40:22,049 --> 01:40:26,120 {\an8}But yes, Shane, I'm talking about you when I say "retard." 1731 01:40:27,555 --> 01:40:30,625 {\an8}[audience laughs, applauds] 1732 01:40:30,691 --> 01:40:34,795 {\an8}Now, I know it's some shit in that motherfucking teleprompter, 1733 01:40:34,862 --> 01:40:37,365 {\an8}but I'm glad that, Shane, your motherfucking ass, 1734 01:40:37,431 --> 01:40:39,300 {\an8}stopped that wigger. 1735 01:40:39,367 --> 01:40:42,970 {\an8}'Cause had you said anything that sound bigger, trigger, 1736 01:40:43,037 --> 01:40:45,139 {\an8}or anything that sound like nigga, 1737 01:40:45,206 --> 01:40:48,276 {\an8}you wouldn't have made it out of motherfucking Inglewood alive. 1738 01:40:48,342 --> 01:40:51,746 {\an8}[cheering and applause] 1739 01:40:51,812 --> 01:40:55,383 {\an8}You don't know where the fuck you are. 1740 01:40:57,118 --> 01:40:59,554 {\an8}You will respect us in this house. 1741 01:40:59,620 --> 01:41:04,592 {\an8}This is the fucking forum built by the Showtime Lakers. 1742 01:41:04,659 --> 01:41:07,562 {\an8}[cheering and applause] 1743 01:41:09,397 --> 01:41:13,234 {\an8}And I want to thank Netflix and Kevin Hart 1744 01:41:13,301 --> 01:41:15,603 {\an8}for bringing us all together. 1745 01:41:15,670 --> 01:41:18,906 {\an8}Freedom of speech is alive today. 1746 01:41:18,973 --> 01:41:24,812 {\an8}It shows that we can all come together and crack jokes on each other 1747 01:41:24,879 --> 01:41:28,249 {\an8}and still respect each other. 1748 01:41:28,316 --> 01:41:32,086 {\an8}-And… Hold on, hold on, I gotta say this. [cheering and applause] 1749 01:41:32,153 --> 01:41:37,124 {\an8}My ex-boo, John Stamos, is in the house. 1750 01:41:37,191 --> 01:41:39,760 {\an8}And yeah, y'all brought up when I was on The Talk. 1751 01:41:39,827 --> 01:41:43,898 {\an8}[cheering and applause] 1752 01:41:43,965 --> 01:41:49,604 {\an8}And when I was on The Talk, I got to tongue kiss John Stamos. 1753 01:41:50,871 --> 01:41:53,741 {\an8}Before he married that girl, 1754 01:41:53,808 --> 01:41:57,678 {\an8}I put my tongue all the way down his esophagus. 1755 01:41:57,745 --> 01:41:59,647 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1756 01:41:59,714 --> 01:42:02,717 {\an8}I can't say what he said after that. 1757 01:42:02,783 --> 01:42:06,387 {\an8}All I can say, he married a young bitch and took her to Disneyland. 1758 01:42:06,454 --> 01:42:09,457 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1759 01:42:12,660 --> 01:42:17,498 {\an8}Shane, you may talk some shit about me, but I know your kind. 1760 01:42:17,565 --> 01:42:19,433 {\an8}You want to hit this Black pussy 1761 01:42:19,500 --> 01:42:23,337 {\an8}harder than you hit the windows of the Capitol on January 6th. 1762 01:42:23,404 --> 01:42:26,807 {\an8}[audience laughing, cheering] 1763 01:42:30,144 --> 01:42:32,413 {\an8}[Sheryl] You know who the fuck you talking to? 1764 01:42:36,017 --> 01:42:40,154 {\an8}-I know you want to fuck me. -[audience laughing] 1765 01:42:40,221 --> 01:42:42,757 {\an8}'Cause you're tired of fucking your sister. 1766 01:42:42,823 --> 01:42:45,226 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1767 01:42:45,292 --> 01:42:46,494 {\an8}So, you want to fuck a real sister. 1768 01:42:46,560 --> 01:42:49,363 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1769 01:42:49,430 --> 01:42:51,332 {\an8}All this Black pussy in here. 1770 01:42:52,433 --> 01:42:54,568 {\an8}Shane dick getting harder and harder. 1771 01:42:56,137 --> 01:43:00,374 {\an8}-I bet you fight me to fuck Lizzo… -[audience laughing] 1772 01:43:00,441 --> 01:43:03,177 {\an8}-…and lose. -[audience laughing] 1773 01:43:03,244 --> 01:43:07,715 {\an8}But none of us are gonna fuck your pasty white-boy ass. 1774 01:43:07,782 --> 01:43:10,151 {\an8}Well, maybe… maybe I will, okay? [chuckles] 1775 01:43:11,485 --> 01:43:15,356 {\an8}I'm on a tour called "I Need a Job Tour," so, come on, motherfucker, let's go. 1776 01:43:16,691 --> 01:43:17,992 {\an8}Big Jay. 1777 01:43:18,059 --> 01:43:22,163 {\an8}Now, you cute, I… Big Jay, listen to me. You sexy, you get that pussy. 1778 01:43:22,229 --> 01:43:23,764 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1779 01:43:23,831 --> 01:43:27,401 {\an8}-Over there looking like Guy Fieri. -[audience laughing] 1780 01:43:29,336 --> 01:43:33,874 {\an8}You know we like diners, drive-ins, and dicks, so, let's go, motherfucker. 1781 01:43:33,941 --> 01:43:36,877 {\an8}You not just a snack, you a whole Thanksgiving dinner. 1782 01:43:38,379 --> 01:43:43,150 {\an8}Got that big football player body, and I know football players. 1783 01:43:43,217 --> 01:43:46,921 {\an8}-I fucked all the Philadelphia Eagles. -[audience laughing] 1784 01:43:46,987 --> 01:43:50,691 {\an8}The offensive line, the defensive line, the offensive coordinator, 1785 01:43:50,758 --> 01:43:52,493 {\an8}defensive coordinator, coaching staff, 1786 01:43:52,560 --> 01:43:55,563 {\an8}team doctor, the dudes selling the hot dogs, 1787 01:43:56,831 --> 01:43:59,934 {\an8}the motherfucker that wrote "Fly Eagle Fly." 1788 01:44:00,000 --> 01:44:01,135 {\an8}I fucked him too. 1789 01:44:02,503 --> 01:44:05,473 {\an8}-That was one hell of a party. -[audience laughing] 1790 01:44:07,374 --> 01:44:10,244 {\an8}So, Draymond, I heard you was a bully. 1791 01:44:11,679 --> 01:44:15,182 {\an8}[audience booing] 1792 01:44:15,249 --> 01:44:17,151 {\an8}Well, come on over here and beat this pussy up then. 1793 01:44:17,218 --> 01:44:20,621 {\an8}-Come on, let's go. -[audience laughing] 1794 01:44:20,688 --> 01:44:22,256 {\an8}Keep rolling your teleprompter. 1795 01:44:23,624 --> 01:44:26,761 {\an8}I would fuck you Draymond, but I'm afraid of heights. 1796 01:44:26,827 --> 01:44:28,662 {\an8}I'm only 5'2. 1797 01:44:28,729 --> 01:44:31,766 {\an8}but I'm still two inches taller than Kevin Hart, 1798 01:44:31,832 --> 01:44:33,801 {\an8}you mighty mouse motherfucker. They wrote that, they wrote that. 1799 01:44:33,868 --> 01:44:35,202 {\an8}The white people wrote it. The white people… 1800 01:44:35,269 --> 01:44:36,670 {\an8}-The white people… I didn't… -The fuck is that? 1801 01:44:36,737 --> 01:44:39,140 {\an8}I'm just saying it to get the check, motherfucker, goddamn. 1802 01:44:39,206 --> 01:44:42,810 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -Pete Davison, I just wanna know, 1803 01:44:42,877 --> 01:44:45,880 {\an8}what is in your dick that's driving these bitches crazy? 1804 01:44:45,946 --> 01:44:47,848 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1805 01:44:47,915 --> 01:44:48,949 {\an8}And whatever it is, 1806 01:44:49,016 --> 01:44:52,219 {\an8}can you put it in Chelsea Handler so she can stop fucking Black men? 1807 01:44:52,286 --> 01:44:54,522 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -[Sheryl] I'm sorry, Chelsea, 1808 01:44:54,588 --> 01:44:56,891 {\an8}I had to say that one. They paid me, they paid me. 1809 01:44:56,957 --> 01:44:59,059 {\an8}Question for the dais, 1810 01:44:59,126 --> 01:45:04,298 {\an8}who has had more Black dick in this town, me or Chelsea Handler? 1811 01:45:04,365 --> 01:45:06,600 {\an8}[audience cheering] 1812 01:45:06,667 --> 01:45:09,570 {\an8}The answer is… Tony Hinchcliffe. 1813 01:45:09,637 --> 01:45:11,505 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1814 01:45:16,877 --> 01:45:18,679 {\an8}[Sheryl] And for all of you who were thinking that, 1815 01:45:18,746 --> 01:45:21,849 {\an8}-you've won a brand new car. -[audience laughing] 1816 01:45:21,916 --> 01:45:24,018 {\an8}Now let's talk about Kevin. 1817 01:45:24,084 --> 01:45:26,453 {\an8}No, no, no, I gotta do it. For the check, Ted told me. 1818 01:45:26,520 --> 01:45:28,522 {\an8}Ted at the luncheon said, 1819 01:45:28,589 --> 01:45:31,158 {\an8}"Bitch, say this shit or you're not getting paid." 1820 01:45:32,526 --> 01:45:34,562 {\an8}I gotta do what Ted said. 1821 01:45:34,628 --> 01:45:36,230 {\an8}I gotta do what I got to say, okay. 1822 01:45:36,297 --> 01:45:37,932 {\an8}I wasn't going to say this shit, 1823 01:45:37,998 --> 01:45:41,802 {\an8}but Kevin and I hooked up once before he got married. 1824 01:45:41,869 --> 01:45:43,604 {\an8}-[Kevin laughing] -[audience laughing] 1825 01:45:43,671 --> 01:45:45,739 {\an8}Before he got married. 1826 01:45:45,806 --> 01:45:47,575 {\an8}He got stuck in my pussy. 1827 01:45:47,641 --> 01:45:49,310 {\an8}I tied a rope around his neck and pulled him out like a tampon. 1828 01:45:49,376 --> 01:45:51,679 {\an8}-Hold on. [chuckles] -[audience laughing] 1829 01:45:51,745 --> 01:45:53,747 {\an8}That's not in the prompter. I'm sorry. [chuckles] 1830 01:45:53,814 --> 01:45:58,018 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1831 01:45:58,085 --> 01:46:00,654 {\an8}Kevin Hart is packing. 1832 01:46:00,721 --> 01:46:04,892 {\an8}Kevin Hart is packing. He's packing ten inches in his pants. 1833 01:46:04,959 --> 01:46:07,394 {\an8}They're his legs, but it's still ten inches. [laughs] 1834 01:46:07,461 --> 01:46:10,130 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1835 01:46:13,701 --> 01:46:17,271 {\an8}Fucking Kevin was a lot like watching his movies. 1836 01:46:17,338 --> 01:46:20,107 {\an8}-The first five minutes are okay… -[Kevin laughing] 1837 01:46:21,775 --> 01:46:23,711 {\an8}…then you're just waiting for it to be over. 1838 01:46:23,777 --> 01:46:25,913 {\an8}[audience laughing] 1839 01:46:25,980 --> 01:46:28,282 {\an8}[Sheryl] I don't know, it could get rogue. 1840 01:46:28,349 --> 01:46:30,918 {\an8}[laughs] You gotta say it. 1841 01:46:30,985 --> 01:46:33,821 {\an8}-You gotta say it. -[Sheryl] Okay, ready? 1842 01:46:33,888 --> 01:46:35,556 {\an8}-Ready? [chuckles] -You gotta say it. 1843 01:46:35,623 --> 01:46:38,058 {\an8}You think he's loud in his movies? 1844 01:46:38,125 --> 01:46:41,528 {\an8}-When we were fucking… [chuckles] -[audience laughing] 1845 01:46:41,595 --> 01:46:45,132 {\an8}…he was hollering and screaming and shaking. 1846 01:46:45,199 --> 01:46:47,134 {\an8}I said, "Will you shut the fuck up… 1847 01:46:48,269 --> 01:46:50,537 {\an8}before somebody think I'm watching one of your movies?" 1848 01:46:50,604 --> 01:46:53,540 {\an8}-[laughs] -[audience laughing] 1849 01:46:57,478 --> 01:47:03,017 {\an8}[cheering and applause] 1850 01:47:08,489 --> 01:47:11,191 {\an8}-[Kevin] Yes, Sheryl! -All right. 1851 01:47:11,258 --> 01:47:14,194 {\an8}So, I want to say this with all the love. 1852 01:47:14,261 --> 01:47:17,197 {\an8}You have done what we asked you to do in the culture. 1853 01:47:17,264 --> 01:47:19,066 {\an8}You've represented us well. 1854 01:47:19,133 --> 01:47:21,969 {\an8}You've been a great businessman and a great performer. 1855 01:47:22,036 --> 01:47:24,571 {\an8}Today, we are proud to stand here to roast, 1856 01:47:24,638 --> 01:47:28,075 {\an8}'cause we only roast who we love, and we truly love you. 1857 01:47:28,142 --> 01:47:29,310 {\an8}-[Kevin] Fuckin' Sheryl. -Good night. 1858 01:47:29,376 --> 01:47:33,280 {\an8}[cheering and applause] 1859 01:47:45,125 --> 01:47:49,029 {\an8}-[Shane] Sheryl Underwood! -[cheering and applause] 1860 01:47:49,096 --> 01:47:51,165 {\an8}Wait a minute, wait a minute. 1861 01:47:51,231 --> 01:47:54,301 {\an8}This motherfucker hugs me and go, "Can I still get that pussy though?" 1862 01:47:54,368 --> 01:47:56,437 {\an8}-[laughs] -[laughs] 1863 01:48:00,307 --> 01:48:03,544 {\an8}-Keep it going for Bernie Smack. -[audience laughing] 1864 01:48:05,779 --> 01:48:07,181 {\an8}[Shane] Just thought of that one, let's go. 1865 01:48:07,247 --> 01:48:09,616 {\an8}Uh… [laughs] 1866 01:48:12,519 --> 01:48:14,154 {\an8}But, yeah, that was honestly… That was incredible. 1867 01:48:14,221 --> 01:48:16,690 {\an8}This is… Now, yeah. It feels good now. Now… 1868 01:48:16,757 --> 01:48:19,026 {\an8}Earlier I was like, this isn't as good as the Tom Brady roast. 1869 01:48:19,093 --> 01:48:21,395 {\an8}-Now it feels pretty good. -[audience laughing] 1870 01:48:22,529 --> 01:48:24,732 {\an8}Regina Hall is here, everybody. Make some noise. 1871 01:48:24,798 --> 01:48:28,268 {\an8}[cheering and applause] 1872 01:48:29,636 --> 01:48:33,540 {\an8}They added her last minute, so I don't really have anything for her, 1873 01:48:33,607 --> 01:48:35,642 {\an8}but here's a joke we couldn't do for Sheryl. 1874 01:48:35,709 --> 01:48:39,646 {\an8}It's something about Aunt Jemima. [chuckles] I don't know, it got cut. 1875 01:48:39,713 --> 01:48:42,349 {\an8}It was clever, you would've loved it. 1876 01:48:42,416 --> 01:48:44,651 {\an8}Give it up for Regina Hall, everybody. Make some noise. 1877 01:48:44,718 --> 01:48:47,388 {\an8}-[upbeat music playing] -[cheering and applause] 1878 01:49:02,469 --> 01:49:03,637 {\an8}Wow. 1879 01:49:08,742 --> 01:49:13,347 {\an8}[cheering, applause] 1880 01:49:14,348 --> 01:49:16,050 {\an8}Thank you, Kevin. 1881 01:49:17,317 --> 01:49:18,986 {\an8}It's very nice to be here. 1882 01:49:19,053 --> 01:49:23,157 {\an8}It's been tough, you know, I mean, having to sit here and watch you, 1883 01:49:23,223 --> 01:49:25,993 {\an8}and you haven't been able to talk back. 1884 01:49:26,060 --> 01:49:29,496 {\an8}Anyone who knows me knows I've known Kevin for twenty years. 1885 01:49:29,563 --> 01:49:32,032 {\an8}I've been to all of his shows. 1886 01:49:32,099 --> 01:49:33,200 {\an8}Well, not all of them. 1887 01:49:33,267 --> 01:49:37,538 {\an8}I've seen his movies, and despite that, I am still here tonight. 1888 01:49:37,604 --> 01:49:40,274 {\an8}[audience laughs] 1889 01:49:40,340 --> 01:49:42,609 {\an8}No, seriously, Kevin, 1890 01:49:42,676 --> 01:49:44,611 {\an8}I've been listening to all of these people, 1891 01:49:44,678 --> 01:49:47,281 {\an8}and I don't think you deserved any of those insults. 1892 01:49:48,449 --> 01:49:50,851 {\an8}I-- I'm here actually as a true friend. 1893 01:49:52,553 --> 01:49:56,090 {\an8}So I thought I would share something, this is honest, sacred, 1894 01:49:57,224 --> 01:49:59,626 {\an8}that only you and I know, Kevin. 1895 01:49:59,693 --> 01:50:02,963 {\an8}Now, Kevin and I go-- we go back, as I said, 1896 01:50:03,030 --> 01:50:06,333 {\an8}and there's one special thing that only Kevin and I know about. 1897 01:50:07,668 --> 01:50:12,272 {\an8}Kevin's mom, Miss Nancy, God rest her soul, 1898 01:50:12,339 --> 01:50:14,608 {\an8}she communicates with me sometimes. 1899 01:50:15,943 --> 01:50:18,212 {\an8}No, this is actually the truth. 1900 01:50:23,550 --> 01:50:26,386 {\an8}Many, many, many, many years ago, 1901 01:50:28,522 --> 01:50:31,792 {\an8}do you remember when I called and I told you 1902 01:50:31,859 --> 01:50:33,560 {\an8}that she said don't go to Vegas? 1903 01:50:38,632 --> 01:50:43,937 {\an8}She said, "Kevin, don't go in there and accidentally fuck that girl." 1904 01:50:44,004 --> 01:50:46,907 {\an8}She said… She said… 1905 01:50:46,974 --> 01:50:51,478 {\an8}No, she said, "Kevin, go to 1515," 1906 01:50:51,545 --> 01:50:53,881 {\an8}but I wrote it down wrong. Do you remember? 1907 01:50:53,947 --> 01:50:56,083 {\an8}Because I had been drinking that night. 1908 01:50:56,150 --> 01:50:58,185 {\an8}She knew there was a camera in that room, 1909 01:50:58,252 --> 01:51:01,288 {\an8}Kevin, and she tried. 1910 01:51:01,355 --> 01:51:05,225 {\an8}So I want to say I'm sorry, Kevin, because that was on me. 1911 01:51:05,292 --> 01:51:09,396 {\an8}That was my bad, but tonight, Kevin, I got it. 1912 01:51:09,463 --> 01:51:11,565 {\an8}I'm not gonna mess up. 1913 01:51:11,632 --> 01:51:12,633 {\an8}I'm sober. 1914 01:51:14,101 --> 01:51:17,671 {\an8}Okay, so I wrote down some other things that your mother, 1915 01:51:18,739 --> 01:51:22,209 {\an8}that she's expressed, and I'd like to read them tonight. 1916 01:51:22,276 --> 01:51:23,310 {\an8}These I got right. 1917 01:51:24,878 --> 01:51:28,649 {\an8}"Kevin, I love you, and I'm so proud of you." 1918 01:51:29,816 --> 01:51:31,985 {\an8}"You won best picture of the year." 1919 01:51:32,052 --> 01:51:33,387 {\an8}Oh, wait, no, no, that's for me. 1920 01:51:33,453 --> 01:51:34,454 {\an8}Hold on. 1921 01:51:35,989 --> 01:51:38,992 {\an8}Because you didn't win, Kevin. 1922 01:51:39,059 --> 01:51:40,494 {\an8}But thank you, Miss Nancy. 1923 01:51:40,561 --> 01:51:42,796 {\an8}Now, here we go. Here we go for real. 1924 01:51:42,863 --> 01:51:43,764 {\an8}Kevin. 1925 01:51:43,830 --> 01:51:45,332 {\an8}All right. 1926 01:51:45,399 --> 01:51:47,434 {\an8}She misses your movies. 1927 01:51:47,501 --> 01:51:50,771 {\an8}She says they don't go up there in heaven because it's heaven. 1928 01:51:54,107 --> 01:51:58,779 {\an8}Oh, oh, but she said your dad is enjoying them all down where he is. 1929 01:52:00,847 --> 01:52:01,915 {\an8}That was very sweet. 1930 01:52:03,584 --> 01:52:07,721 {\an8}She says she regrets not being there for you when your father passed. 1931 01:52:07,788 --> 01:52:11,391 {\an8}Oh, so she could watch that motherfucker die. 1932 01:52:11,458 --> 01:52:12,759 {\an8}[Kevin] Okay. All right. 1933 01:52:14,428 --> 01:52:17,164 {\an8}Tell Kevin that's a quote, okay? 1934 01:52:18,298 --> 01:52:23,403 {\an8}She says that she's sorry that she always treated your brother better, 1935 01:52:23,470 --> 01:52:26,106 {\an8}but that's only because she loved him more. 1936 01:52:28,775 --> 01:52:29,743 That's enough, Regina. 1937 01:52:29,810 --> 01:52:30,811 {\an8}Oh, wait, wait. 1938 01:52:32,112 --> 01:52:35,249 {\an8}And now she's saying I told you not to do that. 1939 01:52:35,315 --> 01:52:39,353 {\an8}Oh, no, that's about your failed vegan fast food chain. 1940 01:52:39,419 --> 01:52:40,887 {\an8}Okay. All right. 1941 01:52:40,954 --> 01:52:43,156 No, no, she just said, 1942 01:52:43,223 --> 01:52:46,126 nigga, you grew up on Philly cheesesteaks. 1943 01:52:46,193 --> 01:52:48,695 Why you ain't start a chain of that shit? 1944 01:52:48,762 --> 01:52:49,763 I'm sorry, Kevin. 1945 01:52:50,998 --> 01:52:52,099 No, no, wait. 1946 01:52:52,165 --> 01:52:53,433 {\an8}Hold on, hold on. 1947 01:52:53,500 --> 01:52:54,801 {\an8}More stuff is coming through. 1948 01:52:54,868 --> 01:52:56,670 {\an8}It's like I'm Oda Mae Brown out here. 1949 01:52:56,737 --> 01:52:57,738 {\an8}Hold on. 1950 01:52:59,072 --> 01:53:00,073 {\an8}Pete! 1951 01:53:05,212 --> 01:53:06,380 No, this is sweet. 1952 01:53:06,446 --> 01:53:07,748 {\an8}I'm only here with love tonight. 1953 01:53:07,814 --> 01:53:09,549 {\an8}No one has to worry. 1954 01:53:09,616 --> 01:53:15,489 {\an8}She says that your dad, he misses you, and he sees your success. 1955 01:53:16,490 --> 01:53:20,227 He wants to know what it was like to fuck Kate Beckinsale, 1956 01:53:21,261 --> 01:53:25,165 Emily Ratatouille, Ariana Gran-- 1957 01:53:25,232 --> 01:53:27,200 I can't name them all. 1958 01:53:27,267 --> 01:53:30,837 Ariana Grande… We'll get to it later, Pete. 1959 01:53:32,572 --> 01:53:35,442 {\an8}He also says you inherited your dick size 1960 01:53:35,509 --> 01:53:36,910 {\an8}from him and you're welcome. 1961 01:53:39,546 --> 01:53:45,652 {\an8}She says, tell Big Jay I'll see him in about three weeks. 1962 01:53:45,719 --> 01:53:47,020 {\an8}[Kevin] Oh, shit. 1963 01:53:47,087 --> 01:53:49,022 Oh, shit. 1964 01:53:49,089 --> 01:53:51,058 {\an8}Regina, that's enough. 1965 01:53:51,124 --> 01:53:52,125 {\an8}-Regi-- -Sorry. 1966 01:53:53,427 --> 01:53:58,465 {\an8}She says, oh, Chelsea, your kids are all up there and they want to say… 1967 01:54:00,834 --> 01:54:01,868 {\an8}Thank you. 1968 01:54:03,170 --> 01:54:05,038 You made the right decision. 1969 01:54:10,877 --> 01:54:15,048 {\an8}She also said, I told you Teyana might bomb. 1970 01:54:20,821 --> 01:54:21,822 I'm sorry. 1971 01:54:23,323 --> 01:54:25,225 {\an8}I'm just downloading, guys. 1972 01:54:26,760 --> 01:54:28,862 {\an8}Last thing, finally, 1973 01:54:28,929 --> 01:54:33,467 {\an8}Miss Nancy says, thank you all for being here to celebrate my son. 1974 01:54:33,533 --> 01:54:35,102 {\an8}I love you, Kevin Hart. 1975 01:54:39,906 --> 01:54:40,874 {\an8}[chuckles] 1976 01:54:42,509 --> 01:54:44,845 {\an8}Have fun on your big night. 1977 01:54:44,911 --> 01:54:46,747 {\an8}And now-- Oh. 1978 01:54:47,981 --> 01:54:50,884 {\an8}[sighs] I have to get back to Michael Clarke Duncan, 1979 01:54:50,951 --> 01:54:53,153 {\an8}who's been a deep green mile in this pussy 1980 01:54:53,220 --> 01:54:55,522 {\an8}-for the past three months. -[Kevin] What the fuck? 1981 01:54:55,589 --> 01:54:57,691 -[audience laughing] -Regina! 1982 01:54:57,758 --> 01:54:59,659 {\an8}-Regina! -[contestants laugh] 1983 01:54:59,726 --> 01:55:02,028 {\an8}The fuck is that? 1984 01:55:02,095 --> 01:55:04,264 It's Mother's Day. [laughs] 1985 01:55:04,331 --> 01:55:05,832 Sorry. 1986 01:55:07,100 --> 01:55:09,736 {\an8}She said they run trains in heaven. 1987 01:55:09,803 --> 01:55:13,206 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -[laughs] 1988 01:55:17,677 --> 01:55:20,247 {\an8}Wait, what do you mean the other heaven? 1989 01:55:21,415 --> 01:55:23,617 {\an8}Not your… [breathes shakily] 1990 01:55:25,752 --> 01:55:27,621 -What? What the fuck? -[breathes shakily] 1991 01:55:27,687 --> 01:55:30,290 -Don't! Regina, look at me. -[chuckles] I'm sorry. 1992 01:55:30,357 --> 01:55:32,092 {\an8}-Don't fucking-- Don't-- -[Regina] I didn't say it. 1993 01:55:32,159 --> 01:55:34,060 {\an8}There's hope for us in the afterlife, ladies. 1994 01:55:34,127 --> 01:55:35,362 {\an8}They're fucking up there. 1995 01:55:35,429 --> 01:55:37,230 {\an8}-All right. -[audience laughing] 1996 01:55:38,265 --> 01:55:44,037 {\an8}In closing, I just want to share a heartfelt memory that I have. 1997 01:55:44,104 --> 01:55:46,039 {\an8}And Kevin, I want you to hear this. 1998 01:55:47,073 --> 01:55:50,343 {\an8}I was doing a movie and I walked on set, everyone, 1999 01:55:50,410 --> 01:55:52,446 {\an8}not knowing what I was in for. 2000 01:55:52,512 --> 01:55:55,882 {\an8}The director told me that I needed to do an improv scene 2001 01:55:55,949 --> 01:55:59,519 {\an8}with the funniest motherfucker that he had ever worked with. 2002 01:55:59,586 --> 01:56:01,955 {\an8}He called action and it was magic. 2003 01:56:02,022 --> 01:56:05,058 {\an8}I was in awe watching this man work. 2004 01:56:06,760 --> 01:56:10,063 {\an8}So quick, so funny. 2005 01:56:10,130 --> 01:56:14,334 {\an8}His large stature was beyond his physical height. 2006 01:56:14,401 --> 01:56:18,038 {\an8}-[Kevin laughs] -[audience laughing] 2007 01:56:18,104 --> 01:56:21,942 {\an8}I will never forget how it felt performing with him. 2008 01:56:22,008 --> 01:56:25,779 {\an8}He was so great, and he still is. 2009 01:56:28,048 --> 01:56:31,218 {\an8}[Katt] I'm the last person they want in this motherfucker right here. 2010 01:56:31,284 --> 01:56:33,920 {\an8}[audience cheering, applauding] 2011 01:56:33,987 --> 01:56:36,957 {\an8}Yes, yes, Kevin. 2012 01:56:37,023 --> 01:56:39,025 {\an8}My special gift to you. 2013 01:56:40,393 --> 01:56:46,733 {\an8}[chuckles] It's the other capital motherfucking K everyone, 2014 01:56:46,800 --> 01:56:49,202 {\an8}-Katt Williams. -[audience cheering, applauding] 2015 01:56:49,269 --> 01:56:51,905 [rendition of "Shaft" theme playing] 2016 01:56:51,972 --> 01:56:54,007 [Roots singing indistinctly] 2017 01:56:59,613 --> 01:57:02,682 ♪ Kevin still looks up to you ♪ 2018 01:57:06,786 --> 01:57:10,757 ♪ The type of man that kevin hart Wished he could be ♪ 2019 01:57:15,495 --> 01:57:18,632 -[music concludes] -[audience cheering, applauding] 2020 01:57:24,204 --> 01:57:27,040 {\an8}Thank you so much, I appreciate you. 2021 01:57:31,444 --> 01:57:32,646 {\an8}Hello Kevin. 2022 01:57:32,712 --> 01:57:34,714 {\an8}[audience chuckling] 2023 01:57:34,781 --> 01:57:35,782 Hello Katt. 2024 01:57:36,917 --> 01:57:39,185 {\an8}I'm surprised they invited me. 2025 01:57:39,252 --> 01:57:41,655 {\an8}[audience laughing, cheering] 2026 01:57:41,721 --> 01:57:46,726 {\an8}That's how little star power you have. They had to start inviting your enemies. 2027 01:57:48,128 --> 01:57:49,296 I said, "I hate him." 2028 01:57:49,362 --> 01:57:51,331 -They said, "Come anyway." -[laughs] 2029 01:57:51,398 --> 01:57:54,034 [audience laughing] 2030 01:57:54,100 --> 01:57:58,872 {\an8}Very humble of me to be at your GOAT roast tonight, Kevin. 2031 01:57:58,939 --> 01:58:00,540 {\an8}I've won an Emmy Award, 2032 01:58:00,607 --> 01:58:03,877 {\an8}but this is gonna be my best acting tonight, 2033 01:58:03,944 --> 01:58:06,379 {\an8}as I pretend like you are a GOAT. 2034 01:58:06,446 --> 01:58:08,114 [audience laughing] 2035 01:58:08,181 --> 01:58:12,552 {\an8}For the people at home, you're wondering, "Why is the Katt man doing this?" 2036 01:58:13,787 --> 01:58:16,456 {\an8}-For the money, bitch. -[audience laughing, applauding] 2037 01:58:16,523 --> 01:58:20,760 {\an8}-This is my Riyadh Comedy Festival. -[audience laughing] 2038 01:58:20,827 --> 01:58:22,629 Only one with a soul. 2039 01:58:24,998 --> 01:58:26,733 Kevin, you're gonna hear some things tonight 2040 01:58:26,800 --> 01:58:28,902 that you're not familiar with. 2041 01:58:28,969 --> 01:58:31,071 Those things are called punchlines. 2042 01:58:31,137 --> 01:58:33,974 -[laughs] -[audience laughing] 2043 01:58:34,975 --> 01:58:40,180 {\an8}Is this deus the best that the industry could put together for dear old Kev? 2044 01:58:41,881 --> 01:58:43,950 {\an8}I'm not sure if the Illuminati is real 2045 01:58:44,017 --> 01:58:47,654 {\an8}or if this is the junior varsity version, but… 2046 01:58:47,721 --> 01:58:50,290 [laughter] 2047 01:58:52,525 --> 01:58:54,928 {\an8}For those of you just joining us, 2048 01:58:56,463 --> 01:58:58,632 {\an8}Kevin and I have beef. 2049 01:58:58,698 --> 01:59:00,066 {\an8}And I'll tell you why. 2050 01:59:01,201 --> 01:59:05,305 'Cause privately, this motherfucker stole everything from me. 2051 01:59:05,372 --> 01:59:09,175 {\an8}Before he saw my act, he was a six-foot-three white man. 2052 01:59:09,242 --> 01:59:10,977 {\an8}[audience laughing] 2053 01:59:18,885 --> 01:59:21,755 {\an8}I tried to tell y'all that Kevin Hart was a plant. 2054 01:59:21,821 --> 01:59:23,690 {\an8}[audience chuckling] 2055 01:59:23,757 --> 01:59:27,227 {\an8}'Cause I keep burying him, he keeps springing back the fuck up. 2056 01:59:28,294 --> 01:59:29,596 Just like a plant. 2057 01:59:31,631 --> 01:59:34,734 {\an8}Yes, I said some things I'd like to take back. 2058 01:59:36,069 --> 01:59:37,971 {\an8}Some things I said were misunderstood. 2059 01:59:38,038 --> 01:59:41,207 {\an8}I did say that Kevin was a Hollywood puppet, 2060 01:59:41,274 --> 01:59:43,043 {\an8}and I want to explain that. 2061 01:59:44,544 --> 01:59:46,513 {\an8}Because it might not be what you think. 2062 01:59:46,579 --> 01:59:51,985 {\an8}I meant that the head of Netflix literally has his whole hand 2063 01:59:52,052 --> 01:59:55,755 {\an8}up Kevin's ass and can make him do anything. 2064 01:59:55,822 --> 01:59:58,024 [audience laughing] 2065 02:00:00,760 --> 02:00:05,198 {\an8}Kevin only has one rule in his movies, no N-word. 2066 02:00:06,433 --> 02:00:08,334 {\an8}And that N word is "No." 2067 02:00:08,401 --> 02:00:09,903 {\an8}[audience laughing] 2068 02:00:09,969 --> 02:00:12,806 He's never fucking said it, never ever. 2069 02:00:12,872 --> 02:00:18,978 Scary Movie 3, Ride Along, Night School, Get Hard. 2070 02:00:19,045 --> 02:00:21,314 {\an8}I turned down all of them. 2071 02:00:21,381 --> 02:00:23,983 {\an8}Cause I was not comfortable being a coon. 2072 02:00:24,050 --> 02:00:25,685 {\an8}[audience laughing] 2073 02:00:27,987 --> 02:00:30,757 {\an8}Went right behind me for the same price. 2074 02:00:33,193 --> 02:00:35,862 {\an8}If you're gonna see a Kevin Hart movie, do yourself a favor, 2075 02:00:35,929 --> 02:00:38,832 {\an8}see it in a Black theater so you can hear words like, 2076 02:00:38,898 --> 02:00:40,834 {\an8}"I want my motherfucking money back." 2077 02:00:41,835 --> 02:00:43,636 {\an8}And "I want my money back too." 2078 02:00:44,804 --> 02:00:48,007 {\an8}Or "This is some bullshit, I want my money back." 2079 02:00:48,074 --> 02:00:50,844 [laughs] 2080 02:00:50,910 --> 02:00:53,012 Even The Rock can't save your ass. 2081 02:00:53,079 --> 02:00:54,614 {\an8}[audience laughing] 2082 02:00:54,681 --> 02:00:58,184 {\an8}Kevin and The Rock have what you call a bromance. 2083 02:00:58,251 --> 02:01:02,088 {\an8}That's when two actors secretly fuck the shit out of each other. 2084 02:01:02,155 --> 02:01:04,357 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -[laughs] 2085 02:01:09,896 --> 02:01:13,066 {\an8}But seriously, how can you not love Kevin? 2086 02:01:13,133 --> 02:01:16,836 {\an8}Only two people have done that, me and his father. 2087 02:01:16,903 --> 02:01:19,639 {\an8}-[audience laughing] -[laughs] 2088 02:01:19,706 --> 02:01:22,909 {\an8}Kevin once said if his son was gay, he would take a dollhouse 2089 02:01:22,976 --> 02:01:24,944 {\an8}and hit him over the head with it, 2090 02:01:25,011 --> 02:01:28,782 {\an8}which is arguably the gayest way to abuse a child. 2091 02:01:28,848 --> 02:01:31,151 {\an8}[audience laughing, applauding] 2092 02:01:37,624 --> 02:01:39,959 {\an8}But you cannot cancel Kevin Hart. 2093 02:01:41,060 --> 02:01:44,030 {\an8}You just can't do it. He's made of Teflon. 2094 02:01:45,365 --> 02:01:49,402 {\an8}They tried to cancel him for being homophobic and I don't get it. 2095 02:01:49,469 --> 02:01:53,139 {\an8}I'm saying the guy who's obsessed with shopping sprees and fitness, 2096 02:01:53,206 --> 02:01:55,441 {\an8}always surrounded by ten dudes 2097 02:01:55,508 --> 02:02:00,246 {\an8}and Chelsea Handler and oiled up half-Samoan bodybuilders, 2098 02:02:00,313 --> 02:02:03,449 {\an8}and a vegan restaurant and bought yoga pants. 2099 02:02:03,516 --> 02:02:07,654 {\an8}You think that guy is homophobic? That guy is a fairy, bitch. 2100 02:02:07,720 --> 02:02:09,556 {\an8}-He is not. -[audience laughing] 2101 02:02:09,622 --> 02:02:14,093 [Katt] That's the gayest man I ever met. You slay, queen. You do that. 2102 02:02:14,160 --> 02:02:15,862 {\an8}[audience laughing, applauding] 2103 02:02:19,132 --> 02:02:22,001 {\an8}They tried to cancel Kevin for the Diddy parties. 2104 02:02:23,403 --> 02:02:25,371 {\an8}They hurled allegations at him. 2105 02:02:26,372 --> 02:02:28,708 {\an8}But thanks to all the baby oil… 2106 02:02:28,775 --> 02:02:30,643 {\an8}[audience laughing] 2107 02:02:30,710 --> 02:02:32,212 {\an8}…the charges didn't stick. 2108 02:02:36,382 --> 02:02:40,954 {\an8}Kevin famously was at a brunch of-- [scoffs] A brunch. 2109 02:02:41,020 --> 02:02:42,856 {\an8}[audience chuckling] 2110 02:02:44,290 --> 02:02:47,060 {\an8}Kevin was at a bunch of Diddy parties, 2111 02:02:47,126 --> 02:02:50,663 {\an8}but in his defense, it was only 'cause Diddy thought he was ten. 2112 02:02:50,730 --> 02:02:52,765 {\an8}[audience laughing] 2113 02:02:56,035 --> 02:02:59,873 {\an8}Kevin even hosted a record release party for P. Diddy. 2114 02:02:59,939 --> 02:03:03,209 {\an8}There was a record number of releases on the bed, 2115 02:03:03,276 --> 02:03:07,714 {\an8}in the pool, on the floor, everywhere but the hoes. 2116 02:03:07,780 --> 02:03:10,516 [audience laughing] 2117 02:03:10,583 --> 02:03:15,054 But I want to be clear, just because Kevin went to Diddy parties 2118 02:03:15,121 --> 02:03:17,924 does not mean he did something wrong. 2119 02:03:19,092 --> 02:03:21,861 {\an8}The fact that he gets all quiet when you bring it up… 2120 02:03:21,928 --> 02:03:24,764 {\an8}[audience laughing] 2121 02:03:24,831 --> 02:03:26,733 {\an8}…that means he did something wrong. 2122 02:03:26,799 --> 02:03:29,736 {\an8}-[audience laughing, applauding] -[laughs] 2123 02:03:33,840 --> 02:03:37,510 Yet people give him awards. [sighs] 2124 02:03:39,646 --> 02:03:43,383 {\an8}Kevin, I have an idea for a movie where you travel back in time, 2125 02:03:43,449 --> 02:03:46,619 {\an8}and Mark Twain takes his motherfucking award back 2126 02:03:46,686 --> 02:03:49,155 {\an8}-and calls you the N-word. -[audience laughing] 2127 02:03:49,222 --> 02:03:53,092 Now, that's a good movie, so I know you'll pass on it. 2128 02:03:56,229 --> 02:03:57,697 {\an8}All right, listen. 2129 02:03:57,764 --> 02:04:01,734 {\an8}I could go on all night hating on Kevin Hart. I have perfected it. 2130 02:04:01,801 --> 02:04:04,103 {\an8}[audience laughing, applauding] 2131 02:04:05,238 --> 02:04:07,006 -[Katt] But at some point… -[laughs] 2132 02:04:08,041 --> 02:04:11,878 …you've got to look yourself in the mirror and say, 2133 02:04:11,945 --> 02:04:15,982 "Do I really want to have beef with the rabbit, Snowball, 2134 02:04:16,049 --> 02:04:18,351 from The Secret Life of Pets 2?" 2135 02:04:18,418 --> 02:04:20,420 [audience laughing, applauding] 2136 02:04:23,089 --> 02:04:24,624 {\an8}Yes, I do, Kevin. 2137 02:04:25,925 --> 02:04:26,926 {\an8}Yes, I do. 2138 02:04:28,428 --> 02:04:30,496 {\an8}Motherfucker wouldn't even play a Black rabbit. 2139 02:04:30,563 --> 02:04:34,467 {\an8}-Can you imagine the coonery? -[audience laughing, applauding] 2140 02:04:34,534 --> 02:04:37,303 {\an8}I'm out. Good night, Inglewood. Thank y'all so much. 2141 02:04:37,370 --> 02:04:40,740 {\an8}-[audience laughing, applauding] -[Kevin] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 2142 02:04:40,807 --> 02:04:43,743 Wait, Katt, Katt, wait. Hold on. 2143 02:04:43,810 --> 02:04:46,746 Just give me, give me one fucking minute. 2144 02:04:47,747 --> 02:04:51,584 Me and this man have been at odds for years on years. 2145 02:04:51,651 --> 02:04:54,587 You coming out here, quite the fucking surprise, 2146 02:04:54,654 --> 02:04:56,189 but Katt, I can sit and I can watch you, 2147 02:04:56,255 --> 02:04:59,325 I can laugh, because I'm a fucking fan first, okay? 2148 02:04:59,392 --> 02:05:02,395 -I'm a fan first. -[audience cheering, applauding] 2149 02:05:02,462 --> 02:05:06,165 Katt, we have an opportunity in real time, 2150 02:05:06,232 --> 02:05:10,269 this is live television, to put our fucking beef behind us. 2151 02:05:10,336 --> 02:05:14,474 I am offering you an olive branch of peace. 2152 02:05:14,540 --> 02:05:17,543 I wanna be a brother, I wanna be a friend. 2153 02:05:17,610 --> 02:05:19,445 Katt, I wanna move on. 2154 02:05:19,512 --> 02:05:23,049 -Can we move on, man? Can we move on? -[audience cheering, applauding] 2155 02:05:25,852 --> 02:05:27,086 Katt Williams one time, 2156 02:05:27,153 --> 02:05:28,988 ladies and gentlemen, Katt fucking Williams. 2157 02:05:29,055 --> 02:05:30,890 [audience cheering, applauding] 2158 02:05:37,630 --> 02:05:42,035 {\an8}All right, how about that? Those little tiny guys being friends. 2159 02:05:43,870 --> 02:05:45,505 {\an8}So funny, like they're gonna do something. 2160 02:05:45,571 --> 02:05:48,608 {\an8}"What are you gonna do?" Shut up. 2161 02:05:48,674 --> 02:05:53,646 {\an8}Fucking 220-pound man being like, "you wanna squash some beef or what?" 2162 02:05:53,713 --> 02:05:55,081 {\an8}Shut up. [chuckles] 2163 02:05:56,516 --> 02:05:58,551 They're so little, who cares? 2164 02:06:01,054 --> 02:06:02,822 {\an8}[chuckles] 2165 02:06:02,889 --> 02:06:07,193 {\an8}And now, to present Kevin with a very special gift from Compton, 2166 02:06:07,260 --> 02:06:10,329 {\an8}California, American Icons, Venus and Serena Williams. 2167 02:06:10,396 --> 02:06:13,166 {\an8}-[upbeat music playing] -[audience cheering, applauding] 2168 02:06:26,913 --> 02:06:29,649 -[music concludes] -[cheering, applause] 2169 02:06:29,715 --> 02:06:33,152 {\an8}Have we won a few Grand Slam titles? 2170 02:06:33,219 --> 02:06:37,123 {\an8}Forty-eight actually between us and eight Olympic gold medals. 2171 02:06:38,124 --> 02:06:40,693 {\an8}We have been called the GOATs in our own right. 2172 02:06:40,760 --> 02:06:43,229 {\an8}We have also been called to do this tonight. 2173 02:06:43,296 --> 02:06:45,498 {\an8}And we did say no three times. 2174 02:06:46,833 --> 02:06:49,669 {\an8}But Kevin is a friend, so we're here. 2175 02:06:49,735 --> 02:06:52,839 {\an8}But our question remains, what are you the GOAT of? 2176 02:06:52,905 --> 02:06:55,274 {\an8}So what awards does Kevin have? Is it an Oscar? 2177 02:06:55,341 --> 02:06:58,244 {\an8}-No, no, no. -Okay, Emmy, right? 2178 02:06:58,311 --> 02:07:00,480 {\an8}-No. -Grammy? 2179 02:07:00,546 --> 02:07:02,949 {\an8}-No, actually that's our girl, Lizzo. -Hey, Lizzo. 2180 02:07:03,015 --> 02:07:05,284 -[Serena] Hey. -[audience cheering, applauding] 2181 02:07:05,351 --> 02:07:07,420 {\an8}I thought he said he had the EGOT. 2182 02:07:07,487 --> 02:07:10,623 {\an8}He did, but as in, he ain't got no awards. 2183 02:07:10,690 --> 02:07:12,658 {\an8}[both chuckle] 2184 02:07:12,725 --> 02:07:16,796 Okay, okay. But you don't need to have an award to be a GOAT. 2185 02:07:16,863 --> 02:07:19,899 You can be a GOAT of so many things. 2186 02:07:19,966 --> 02:07:23,035 {\an8}Well, maybe he's a GOAT of freestyle rapping. 2187 02:07:23,102 --> 02:07:25,104 {\an8}No, I think that's Black Thought. 2188 02:07:25,171 --> 02:07:27,240 {\an8}[audience cheer] 2189 02:07:27,306 --> 02:07:29,609 [Serena] Okay, so maybe he's the GOAT of football? 2190 02:07:29,675 --> 02:07:31,978 {\an8}No, it's Tom Brady. I heard he already left. 2191 02:07:32,044 --> 02:07:33,880 {\an8}Honestly, I don't blame him. 2192 02:07:33,946 --> 02:07:36,816 {\an8}I guess a G does have to stand for "great," 2193 02:07:36,883 --> 02:07:38,751 {\an8}or it doesn't have to stand for great. 2194 02:07:38,818 --> 02:07:41,954 {\an8}Oh. Maybe it stands for grating? 2195 02:07:42,021 --> 02:07:44,257 {\an8}Yeah, maybe it stands for grating. 2196 02:07:44,323 --> 02:07:47,860 You know, you don't have to be great. You don't have to be great. 2197 02:07:47,927 --> 02:07:50,930 Maybe he's good. Maybe he's the goodest of all time. 2198 02:07:50,997 --> 02:07:53,232 {\an8}[chuckles] He's a good time. 2199 02:07:53,299 --> 02:07:56,736 {\an8}He's definitely a good time. Baby oil. 2200 02:07:56,802 --> 02:08:02,208 {\an8}But seriously… [laughs] …seriously, Kevin, we got nothing but love. 2201 02:08:02,275 --> 02:08:04,477 {\an8}-We love you. -We love you so much. 2202 02:08:04,544 --> 02:08:07,880 And as you know in tennis, love means nothing. 2203 02:08:07,947 --> 02:08:10,917 {\an8}[audience laughing] 2204 02:08:11,918 --> 02:08:15,588 {\an8}But since we didn't wanna leave you with nothing again, 2205 02:08:15,655 --> 02:08:17,957 {\an8}we brought you the most coveted GOAT ring, 2206 02:08:18,024 --> 02:08:20,526 {\an8}which we give to the most honorable guest. 2207 02:08:20,593 --> 02:08:21,527 Here you go. 2208 02:08:21,594 --> 02:08:23,396 Oh my God. That's a ring for me? 2209 02:08:23,462 --> 02:08:27,233 {\an8}[Venus] It's a ring for you. Come on up. Come up here. 2210 02:08:27,300 --> 02:08:29,068 {\an8}-There you go. -Oh, my God. 2211 02:08:29,135 --> 02:08:33,472 {\an8}And if you don't want it, you can pawn it two blocks from here, you know. 2212 02:08:33,539 --> 02:08:35,107 {\an8}-Yes, okay. -No, I want it. 2213 02:08:35,174 --> 02:08:36,742 {\an8}Oh, and one more thing. Can you sit down? 2214 02:08:36,809 --> 02:08:38,411 {\an8}-Yeah, sorry. -This is our moment. 2215 02:08:38,477 --> 02:08:39,812 {\an8}[both chuckle] 2216 02:08:39,879 --> 02:08:44,984 {\an8}Kevin Hart production wouldn't be complete without this one man. 2217 02:08:47,587 --> 02:08:50,089 {\an8}["We Will Rock You" rendition playing] 2218 02:08:50,156 --> 02:08:52,091 [audience cheering, applauding] 2219 02:08:53,793 --> 02:08:57,530 ♪ We will, we will rock you ♪ 2220 02:08:59,465 --> 02:09:03,636 ♪ We will, we will rock you ♪ 2221 02:09:06,872 --> 02:09:10,176 [audience cheering] 2222 02:09:12,678 --> 02:09:14,847 Finally! 2223 02:09:17,483 --> 02:09:20,152 -Daddy's home. -[audience cheering] 2224 02:09:31,797 --> 02:09:36,502 Yes. We're gonna put some kerosene on this bitch. 2225 02:09:37,837 --> 02:09:41,073 We're gonna burn this motherfucker down. 2226 02:09:43,643 --> 02:09:46,579 -What's up, Inglewood? -[audience cheering] 2227 02:09:58,824 --> 02:10:00,593 My boy, Aaron Donald. 2228 02:10:00,660 --> 02:10:02,862 This is what you're doing in retirement. That's fucked up. 2229 02:10:02,928 --> 02:10:04,263 You owe me a workout. 2230 02:10:31,991 --> 02:10:33,693 [Dwayne] Mwah, mwah, mwah! 2231 02:10:48,240 --> 02:10:53,045 {\an8}I know what JLo is thinking, thank fuck The Rock has arrived. 2232 02:10:53,112 --> 02:10:55,047 {\an8}Yes, I'm here. 2233 02:10:56,816 --> 02:10:57,817 {\an8}Finally. 2234 02:10:58,984 --> 02:11:04,056 {\an8}I've been waiting my entire life for this, where I can come to a Kevin Hart roast. 2235 02:11:04,123 --> 02:11:05,491 {\an8}-I could have fun. -[audience member] Whoo! 2236 02:11:05,558 --> 02:11:07,159 {\an8}Whoo! Thank you. 2237 02:11:07,226 --> 02:11:10,262 {\an8}And I could just talk shit. 2238 02:11:15,668 --> 02:11:19,305 {\an8}The franchise Viagra is in the house. 2239 02:11:21,107 --> 02:11:24,610 {\an8}Now this roast can go hard all night long. 2240 02:11:27,213 --> 02:11:29,248 Buckle up, Netflix. 2241 02:11:29,315 --> 02:11:31,083 Tudum, motherfuckers. 2242 02:11:33,285 --> 02:11:36,389 {\an8}Now, I know what you're all assuming is that I'm here 2243 02:11:36,455 --> 02:11:40,860 {\an8}to carry another shitty Kevin Hart vehicle. 2244 02:11:40,926 --> 02:11:43,562 {\an8}But for once, that's not the case. 2245 02:11:43,629 --> 02:11:45,498 {\an8}I'm actually here tonight because someone needs 2246 02:11:45,564 --> 02:11:48,234 {\an8}to chew up Kevin's food and spit it in his mouth. 2247 02:11:49,935 --> 02:11:53,072 Isn't that right, my little chocolate baby bird? 2248 02:11:55,141 --> 02:11:57,009 {\an8}You laugh because it's true. 2249 02:11:59,078 --> 02:12:01,247 {\an8}Hello, Kevin. Shut up. 2250 02:12:03,716 --> 02:12:05,751 Hello, anonymous non-movie stars. 2251 02:12:14,326 --> 02:12:17,897 {\an8}None of you dudes, you sons of bitches, 2252 02:12:17,963 --> 02:12:21,367 {\an8}none of you have the right to talk shit about Kevin and put him down. 2253 02:12:21,434 --> 02:12:25,237 {\an8}None of you have the right to talk shit about my little burnt Oompa Loompa. 2254 02:12:26,939 --> 02:12:28,407 Only me. 2255 02:12:28,474 --> 02:12:30,276 {\an8}I know every single guy on this dais 2256 02:12:30,342 --> 02:12:32,545 {\an8}would piss themselves if I took a punch. 2257 02:12:33,579 --> 02:12:36,482 {\an8}I know one guy who would cum if I choked him out. 2258 02:12:38,918 --> 02:12:40,920 Stop smiling, Jeff. 2259 02:12:40,986 --> 02:12:43,155 [inaudible] 2260 02:12:45,291 --> 02:12:47,259 {\an8}Jeff Ross, my friends, good to see you. 2261 02:12:48,461 --> 02:12:50,863 -Good to see you, I love you too. -Thank you. 2262 02:12:52,198 --> 02:12:56,969 You know where I come from, we have a word for guys like you, fat. 2263 02:13:01,941 --> 02:13:06,378 {\an8}How fucking gross is Jeff Ross right now in this fucking red outfit? 2264 02:13:07,680 --> 02:13:08,914 Jeff is so gross, 2265 02:13:08,981 --> 02:13:11,951 he's a sixty-year-old bachelor who's never been married 2266 02:13:12,017 --> 02:13:16,889 and no one has ever even suggested that he might be gay. 2267 02:13:21,227 --> 02:13:23,195 [inaudible] 2268 02:13:23,262 --> 02:13:25,030 {\an8}-You would fuck me? -[Jeff] Yeah. 2269 02:13:25,097 --> 02:13:28,000 {\an8}God, well I wouldn't fuck you, so sit down and shut up. 2270 02:13:29,702 --> 02:13:31,971 {\an8}And what the fuck are you laughing at, Shane? 2271 02:13:34,607 --> 02:13:35,774 I'm gonna get him. 2272 02:13:36,976 --> 02:13:40,579 Shane, why? [laughs] 2273 02:13:41,981 --> 02:13:44,683 'Cause I'm drunk and you're gonna get it, that's it. 2274 02:13:44,750 --> 02:13:48,420 Shane, if you're here tonight, then who's out in the woods 2275 02:13:48,487 --> 02:13:52,124 ass-raping canoers until they squeal like a pig? 2276 02:13:52,191 --> 02:13:56,061 [The Roots playing banjo music] 2277 02:13:58,063 --> 02:13:59,365 Oh, shut up, The Roots. 2278 02:14:01,800 --> 02:14:04,904 If you're gonna play the fucking song, play it right, from Deliverance. 2279 02:14:04,970 --> 02:14:07,706 [vocalizing] 2280 02:14:07,773 --> 02:14:09,942 {\an8}I don't know what the fuck you just played. 2281 02:14:15,114 --> 02:14:16,482 {\an8}[chuckles] He's like, no money. 2282 02:14:16,549 --> 02:14:18,751 {\an8}All right, well, fuck, that ain't my problem. 2283 02:14:21,954 --> 02:14:23,622 {\an8}You know… 2284 02:14:23,689 --> 02:14:28,394 {\an8}You know, Shane Gillis and I actually worked out together once. 2285 02:14:28,460 --> 02:14:31,864 {\an8}True story. You're smiling because it's true. 2286 02:14:31,931 --> 02:14:33,265 It happened. 2287 02:14:33,332 --> 02:14:36,468 {\an8}And he was throwing some weights around and I was impressed. 2288 02:14:36,535 --> 02:14:38,237 {\an8}You know, he was a fit guy. 2289 02:14:39,338 --> 02:14:42,942 {\an8}But not as fit, not as nearly fit as his mom. 2290 02:14:43,008 --> 02:14:46,712 No, true story. That bitch had a six pack. 2291 02:14:47,780 --> 02:14:50,449 Every night she was pregnant with Shane. 2292 02:14:56,055 --> 02:14:57,423 {\an8}You drink 'cause it's true. 2293 02:15:00,993 --> 02:15:02,995 {\an8}And one of my favorites, hello, Chelsea. 2294 02:15:04,797 --> 02:15:06,465 Whoo! 2295 02:15:06,532 --> 02:15:07,533 You look beautiful. 2296 02:15:09,468 --> 02:15:12,304 Everybody, yes, yeah. Chelsea, by the way. 2297 02:15:17,376 --> 02:15:18,644 {\an8}Don't fuck with Chelsea. 2298 02:15:20,112 --> 02:15:22,348 {\an8}Everyone's been here. They come up talking shit about you. 2299 02:15:22,414 --> 02:15:25,918 {\an8}That ain't easy to do. You hold your own. You're just a boss lady up here. 2300 02:15:25,985 --> 02:15:29,822 {\an8}I wanna come out here and I wanna give Chelsea her flowers. 2301 02:15:29,888 --> 02:15:32,157 I just want to take a minute, yes, I want to take a minute 2302 02:15:32,224 --> 02:15:34,760 to congratulate Chelsea because BET just 2303 02:15:34,827 --> 02:15:37,896 gave her poontang a Lifetime Achievement Award. 2304 02:15:39,231 --> 02:15:40,399 It's true, right, Kevin? 2305 02:15:40,466 --> 02:15:43,469 Yes. Yes, my favorite award. 2306 02:15:44,637 --> 02:15:47,640 {\an8}Chelsea recently said, marriage is outdated. 2307 02:15:47,706 --> 02:15:51,644 {\an8}But remember, Chelsea, also outdated is dying alone. 2308 02:15:58,951 --> 02:16:00,786 {\an8}Chelsea also said she can't be racist 2309 02:16:00,853 --> 02:16:02,788 {\an8}because she fucks a lot of Black guys. 2310 02:16:04,923 --> 02:16:07,493 {\an8}Which is like Tony saying he can't be homophobic 2311 02:16:07,559 --> 02:16:09,495 {\an8}because he fucks a lot of Black guys. 2312 02:16:13,499 --> 02:16:17,503 {\an8}Tony, look at you, you little sassy bigot. 2313 02:16:22,675 --> 02:16:27,479 {\an8}You look like, I'm gonna cook, you look like a plantation owner 2314 02:16:27,546 --> 02:16:29,548 {\an8}who makes his slaves perform musicals. 2315 02:16:43,295 --> 02:16:45,297 {\an8}Draymond is in the house, my guy. 2316 02:16:50,969 --> 02:16:54,106 {\an8}Wait a second, hey, Draymond, that's your name, right? 2317 02:16:54,173 --> 02:16:56,675 {\an8}That's my boy. I was thinking about this, you know. 2318 02:16:57,810 --> 02:17:00,479 {\an8}Of all the cool ass Black names you could have, 2319 02:17:00,546 --> 02:17:03,916 {\an8}that is the laziest fucking Black name I've ever heard. 2320 02:17:03,982 --> 02:17:07,419 {\an8}Because all you did was put a D in front of Raymond. 2321 02:17:09,688 --> 02:17:12,157 {\an8}Yeah. It's fucking dretarded. 2322 02:17:21,166 --> 02:17:23,902 {\an8}And on top of all that, your retarded name, 2323 02:17:23,969 --> 02:17:25,971 {\an8}your team got bounced from the playoffs. 2324 02:17:28,640 --> 02:17:32,244 {\an8}So I'm just saying, 'cause you're my boy and I love you, 2325 02:17:32,311 --> 02:17:34,213 {\an8}maybe it's time to retire. 2326 02:17:36,148 --> 02:17:37,516 {\an8}I'm sorry, to dretire. 2327 02:17:41,553 --> 02:17:45,824 {\an8}And Pete Davidson, my boy, you freaky little motherfucker. 2328 02:17:47,760 --> 02:17:50,662 {\an8}We go way back, Pete. Yes, we do. 2329 02:17:50,729 --> 02:17:54,166 {\an8}You look like a white guy doing blackface doing whiteface. 2330 02:17:54,233 --> 02:17:55,901 {\an8}What the fuck? 2331 02:17:55,968 --> 02:17:57,069 [inaudible] 2332 02:17:57,136 --> 02:17:59,338 [Dwayne] How the fuck, I love you too. 2333 02:18:03,008 --> 02:18:05,344 {\an8}And somehow you're still the best-looking guy 2334 02:18:05,410 --> 02:18:08,280 {\an8}on this dais until I showed up. It's just me and you. 2335 02:18:10,315 --> 02:18:11,316 Shut up, Kevin. 2336 02:18:12,918 --> 02:18:15,187 {\an8}And I wanna just take a moment just to give a shout out, 2337 02:18:15,254 --> 02:18:17,990 {\an8}give flowers to all the ladies up here on this dais. 2338 02:18:21,293 --> 02:18:25,364 {\an8}You all look beautiful, magnificent, sexy. 2339 02:18:29,067 --> 02:18:30,869 {\an8}You know who else looks sexy? 2340 02:18:32,538 --> 02:18:33,906 {\an8}Kevin's wife, Eniko. 2341 02:18:33,972 --> 02:18:35,073 {\an8}[Kevin] What the fuck? 2342 02:18:35,140 --> 02:18:37,042 {\an8}What do you mean, what the fuck? Just sit down. 2343 02:18:37,109 --> 02:18:39,144 I'm just giving her compliment. 2344 02:18:39,211 --> 02:18:41,780 -Okay, no, listen. -No fucking listen. 2345 02:18:41,847 --> 02:18:43,949 What the fuck are you doing? 2346 02:18:44,016 --> 02:18:46,885 {\an8}-It's my fucking wife. -I know, I'm just giving her compliment. 2347 02:18:46,952 --> 02:18:49,755 {\an8}-She looks beautiful and sexy. -[Kevin] That's not how you said it. 2348 02:18:49,822 --> 02:18:50,823 You didn't say it like that the first time. 2349 02:18:50,889 --> 02:18:52,090 How did I say it? What do you mean? 2350 02:18:52,157 --> 02:18:54,693 -You said it different the first time. -[Dwayne] I said she's sexy. 2351 02:18:54,760 --> 02:18:57,229 Don't fucking say it like that. 2352 02:18:57,296 --> 02:18:58,597 Don't do that. 2353 02:18:58,664 --> 02:19:00,799 -Don't fucking do that. -Hold on, Chelsea. 2354 02:19:00,866 --> 02:19:05,070 Don't you think it's time for your wife to have a real man? 2355 02:19:05,137 --> 02:19:06,305 What? 2356 02:19:08,340 --> 02:19:09,508 Don't you think it's time 2357 02:19:09,575 --> 02:19:13,779 for Eniko to be with somebody that is bigger than her? 2358 02:19:13,846 --> 02:19:15,280 [Dwayne] Yes. 2359 02:19:15,347 --> 02:19:16,849 I think my wife is real happy. 2360 02:19:16,915 --> 02:19:19,351 Let's ask her. Let's ask her. See if she's happy. 2361 02:19:19,418 --> 02:19:22,354 -She doesn't look happy. -I know my wife is fucking happy. 2362 02:19:22,421 --> 02:19:24,523 I don't know if she's happy. 2363 02:19:24,590 --> 02:19:26,925 [Shane] Kevin's a little humper. That's a genre. 2364 02:19:26,992 --> 02:19:28,427 Honey, are you happy with me? 2365 02:19:28,493 --> 02:19:30,395 -One hundred percent. -You know what she just said? 2366 02:19:30,462 --> 02:19:32,798 [Chelsea] Would you be happier with The Rock? 2367 02:19:32,865 --> 02:19:34,032 Or any rock? 2368 02:19:34,099 --> 02:19:36,301 [Kevin] Yeah, did you hear what she just said? 2369 02:19:36,368 --> 02:19:38,470 She just said, fuck him. That's what she just said. 2370 02:19:38,537 --> 02:19:39,905 -[Dwayne] She didn't say that. -She said, fuck you. 2371 02:19:39,972 --> 02:19:42,074 [Dwayne] Okay, well listen, I'm gonna tell you what. 2372 02:19:42,140 --> 02:19:44,309 {\an8}Of all the awards tonight, Chelsea's getting an award 2373 02:19:44,376 --> 02:19:46,712 {\an8}for her poontang, Lifetime Achievement Award. 2374 02:19:46,778 --> 02:19:51,016 {\an8}Your wife, her poontang and awards, she deserves an award, an Academy Award 2375 02:19:51,083 --> 02:19:52,517 {\an8}for pretending she likes to fuck you. 2376 02:19:52,584 --> 02:19:53,752 {\an8}-That's the thing. -[Kevin] What the fuck was that? 2377 02:19:53,819 --> 02:19:54,920 {\an8}[Dwayne] Yes. 2378 02:19:55,954 --> 02:19:59,124 -[Kevin] You son of a bitch. -And the award goes to. 2379 02:19:59,191 --> 02:20:00,359 {\an8}[Kevin] You fuck stick. 2380 02:20:01,493 --> 02:20:02,494 {\an8}You fuck stick. 2381 02:20:02,561 --> 02:20:05,664 {\an8}Okay, listen, all right, I'm not gonna do that, 2382 02:20:05,731 --> 02:20:06,932 I won't do that. 2383 02:20:08,467 --> 02:20:09,534 Hey, Eniko. 2384 02:20:13,972 --> 02:20:16,975 {\an8}I'm just gonna say, how about later on tonight, you and I together, 2385 02:20:17,042 --> 02:20:19,211 {\an8}we'll open up a bottle of tequila and we… 2386 02:20:21,813 --> 02:20:24,016 {\an8}Stop squirming, Kevin, don't look at me like that. 2387 02:20:24,082 --> 02:20:25,951 {\an8}[Chelsea] A bottle of Grand Cormino tequila. 2388 02:20:26,018 --> 02:20:28,387 {\an8}-Grand Cormino. -You and The Rock. 2389 02:20:28,453 --> 02:20:31,256 You'll throw up with that, as you usually do, listen. 2390 02:20:33,025 --> 02:20:34,860 You want Teremana, you want the good shit, 2391 02:20:34,927 --> 02:20:37,930 {\an8}you want The Rock, the good shit. Listen, they know. 2392 02:20:42,834 --> 02:20:45,370 {\an8}All right, but as you know, 2393 02:20:45,437 --> 02:20:47,906 {\an8}we'll let you watch like we always do, okay? 2394 02:20:49,274 --> 02:20:53,345 Hey, it's just jokes from the corner of the room, strapped tight 2395 02:20:53,412 --> 02:20:55,113 in your cuck high chair. 2396 02:20:55,180 --> 02:20:56,181 Listen. 2397 02:20:59,952 --> 02:21:01,420 I'm not a sick fuck. 2398 02:21:01,486 --> 02:21:03,588 All right. Well, you guys can Google what that means later. 2399 02:21:03,655 --> 02:21:06,425 {\an8}Listen. Here's the thing. 2400 02:21:06,491 --> 02:21:09,428 {\an8}I actually get why women love Kevin Hart. 2401 02:21:09,494 --> 02:21:13,465 {\an8}I totally get it. I know. Well, I'll tell you why. 2402 02:21:13,532 --> 02:21:16,168 {\an8}He's the same size and color as their favorite dildo. 2403 02:21:18,870 --> 02:21:21,106 {\an8}And the little motherfucker is twice as loud. 2404 02:21:24,276 --> 02:21:28,146 {\an8}You know, ladies and gentlemen… You laugh because it's true. 2405 02:21:28,213 --> 02:21:29,982 {\an8}But you know… 2406 02:21:30,048 --> 02:21:33,085 Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin and I actually have, 2407 02:21:33,151 --> 02:21:34,653 we have many things in common. 2408 02:21:34,720 --> 02:21:37,622 It's why the guy's my best friend and something else we have 2409 02:21:37,689 --> 02:21:41,660 {\an8}in common is, yeah, we do. 2410 02:21:41,727 --> 02:21:46,665 {\an8}And I love the guy and we also have this in common is recently, 2411 02:21:46,732 --> 02:21:47,966 {\an8}both of our dads died. 2412 02:21:48,967 --> 02:21:50,469 {\an8}-[Kevin] It's true. -It's true. 2413 02:21:51,970 --> 02:21:53,839 And I thought, well, 2414 02:21:53,905 --> 02:21:58,076 maybe I shouldn't bring this up because it's heavy, but I thought, 2415 02:21:58,143 --> 02:21:59,778 it is something that bonds us. 2416 02:21:59,845 --> 02:22:02,781 And I said, yeah, let me talk about it. 2417 02:22:02,848 --> 02:22:04,950 As many of you may know, my old man, 2418 02:22:05,017 --> 02:22:07,786 {\an8}he came here to the Forum back in the '70s. 2419 02:22:07,853 --> 02:22:09,955 {\an8}My dad, he was the "Soul Man" Rocky Johnson. 2420 02:22:10,022 --> 02:22:12,391 {\an8}He was a bad dude in the game. 2421 02:22:12,457 --> 02:22:15,427 {\an8}Yeah. And he was, I miss my dad. 2422 02:22:15,494 --> 02:22:19,197 {\an8}He was tall and strong and big. And where's he at? 2423 02:22:19,264 --> 02:22:21,633 {\an8}No, that's not him. Where's he at? 2424 02:22:23,168 --> 02:22:24,169 Somewhere. 2425 02:22:26,605 --> 02:22:29,141 He's somewhere, he looked like a superhero. 2426 02:22:30,509 --> 02:22:32,010 Where is my dad? 2427 02:22:32,077 --> 02:22:34,713 They put him out there. He's out there, okay, good. 2428 02:22:34,780 --> 02:22:36,782 Can you guys see my old man? 2429 02:22:36,848 --> 02:22:40,018 Okay, cool, there he is, yeah. 2430 02:22:40,085 --> 02:22:42,621 {\an8}He was a fucking tank, you know? 2431 02:22:42,687 --> 02:22:44,156 {\an8}Now, whereas Kevin's dad. 2432 02:22:45,724 --> 02:22:46,658 {\an8}[laughs] 2433 02:22:53,131 --> 02:22:55,500 [Kevin] You son of a bitch. 2434 02:22:55,567 --> 02:22:57,369 You son of a bitch. 2435 02:22:58,703 --> 02:23:00,472 What the fuck was that, man? 2436 02:23:02,741 --> 02:23:04,409 {\an8}You piece of, I mean, come on, man. 2437 02:23:04,476 --> 02:23:09,114 -There's a better picture of my dad. -[Dwayne] Okay, okay. [laughs] 2438 02:23:09,181 --> 02:23:12,851 {\an8}No, I just wanted to show both our dads showing their chest 2439 02:23:12,918 --> 02:23:16,388 {\an8}and what their bodies look like. Okay, look, you are right. 2440 02:23:16,455 --> 02:23:17,456 {\an8}Come on, guys. 2441 02:23:20,125 --> 02:23:22,260 {\an8}[audience laughing] 2442 02:23:22,327 --> 02:23:25,730 {\an8}There's a bitter picture of Kevin's dad. 2443 02:23:25,797 --> 02:23:27,599 That's right. 2444 02:23:27,666 --> 02:23:29,167 Whoever released these pictures are fired. 2445 02:23:29,234 --> 02:23:31,803 You're fucking fired. 2446 02:23:31,870 --> 02:23:34,106 -[laughs] -Son of a bitch. 2447 02:23:34,172 --> 02:23:38,176 There he is. That is a legit mugshot of Kevin's dad. 2448 02:23:38,243 --> 02:23:41,580 -[laughs] -And as we all know, 2449 02:23:41,646 --> 02:23:43,148 I met Kevin's dad. 2450 02:23:43,215 --> 02:23:46,184 {\an8}And as we all know, you know, Kevin's dad, 2451 02:23:46,251 --> 02:23:49,621 {\an8}Kevin's dad, he was a crackhead. 2452 02:23:49,688 --> 02:23:52,023 {\an8}-[Kevin] Yeah. [laughs] -[audience laughs] 2453 02:23:52,090 --> 02:23:54,292 {\an8}And he loved the crack. 2454 02:23:57,162 --> 02:23:59,097 {\an8}And that was before he even met Kevin. 2455 02:24:01,233 --> 02:24:04,903 {\an8}You know, Kevin realized that the only way to win his dad's love was 2456 02:24:04,970 --> 02:24:08,440 {\an8}if he too fit inside a tiny plastic bag. 2457 02:24:08,507 --> 02:24:10,642 {\an8}[audience laughs] 2458 02:24:10,709 --> 02:24:13,278 And Kevin, just like your dad, 2459 02:24:13,345 --> 02:24:16,081 {\an8}it's wild how much you need the rock. 2460 02:24:16,148 --> 02:24:17,916 {\an8}[audience laughs] 2461 02:24:17,983 --> 02:24:20,018 [Dwayne] Oh, Kevin. [laughs] 2462 02:24:22,621 --> 02:24:23,755 {\an8}It's good. 2463 02:24:25,757 --> 02:24:28,360 {\an8}Ah, my little crack baby, Kevin. 2464 02:24:29,427 --> 02:24:30,929 {\an8}My little crack baby, Kevin. 2465 02:24:30,996 --> 02:24:36,401 {\an8}You know, your dad, true story, his dad even named Kevin after crack. 2466 02:24:36,468 --> 02:24:40,672 {\an8}Yes, because he legitimately thought it was spelled with a K. 2467 02:24:40,739 --> 02:24:43,508 {\an8}True story. And what's the medical term for that? 2468 02:24:43,575 --> 02:24:46,778 {\an8}-Oh, fucking idiot. Yes. -[laughs] 2469 02:24:46,845 --> 02:24:51,583 Now, I know, you're sweating and crying. I know, I know you well. 2470 02:24:51,650 --> 02:24:54,786 I know our dads right now are looking down on us from the clouds 2471 02:24:54,853 --> 02:24:56,321 and I hope they're proud. 2472 02:24:57,455 --> 02:24:59,324 I think they are. 2473 02:24:59,391 --> 02:25:01,159 You know, I know your dad has to look a little harder 2474 02:25:01,226 --> 02:25:03,461 because you're a fucking dwarf. 2475 02:25:03,528 --> 02:25:05,530 But, but… 2476 02:25:06,898 --> 02:25:08,967 -I love you brother. -[Kevin] I love you too. Thank you. 2477 02:25:09,034 --> 02:25:11,803 I know you love me too. I love you, yes, I do. 2478 02:25:11,870 --> 02:25:13,338 I really do. 2479 02:25:13,405 --> 02:25:17,008 [audience cheering, applauding] 2480 02:25:17,075 --> 02:25:21,413 {\an8}And just to prove it, just last week I got a Kevin Hart tattoo. 2481 02:25:22,714 --> 02:25:24,316 {\an8}Yeah, whoo! On my cock. 2482 02:25:25,750 --> 02:25:27,185 {\an8}Yeah, life size too. 2483 02:25:28,787 --> 02:25:30,855 Kevin, I want to show you really quickly. 2484 02:25:32,190 --> 02:25:34,259 -Get the fuck out of here. -Okay, okay, okay. 2485 02:25:34,326 --> 02:25:36,861 -Stop it, man. -Okay, no problem, no. 2486 02:25:36,928 --> 02:25:38,930 -Eniko, I'll show you later. -[Kevin] Hey, what the fuck? 2487 02:25:38,997 --> 02:25:40,465 -I'm sorry. -[Kevin] What the fuck are you doing, man? 2488 02:25:40,532 --> 02:25:41,700 [Dwayne] I'm sorry, listen. 2489 02:25:41,766 --> 02:25:43,635 -What the fuck is that? -Okay, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. 2490 02:25:43,702 --> 02:25:45,003 It's my fucking wife, man. 2491 02:25:45,070 --> 02:25:46,304 [Dwayne] I'm kidding, she's already seen it. Listen. 2492 02:25:46,371 --> 02:25:48,873 -What the fuck is happening? -I'm joking. 2493 02:25:48,940 --> 02:25:51,042 -The fuck are you doing, man? -It's jokes. 2494 02:25:51,109 --> 02:25:53,478 It's my fucking wife, man. 2495 02:25:53,545 --> 02:25:56,915 Mwah! She's the best. I'm kidding, okay. 2496 02:25:56,982 --> 02:26:03,955 {\an8}But in all seriousness, I would like to make a toast to you. 2497 02:26:04,289 --> 02:26:05,890 Can I make a toast to Kevin? 2498 02:26:05,957 --> 02:26:07,325 -Yes. Yes. -My brother? 2499 02:26:08,360 --> 02:26:09,894 -All right. -Yes. 2500 02:26:11,096 --> 02:26:15,000 Let's do it, let's do it. Here, I'll pour myself one. 2501 02:26:15,066 --> 02:26:17,002 -You pour yourself one. -Yeah. 2502 02:26:17,068 --> 02:26:20,472 -You pour the Grand Cormino. -Yeah, I have the Grand Cormino. 2503 02:26:20,538 --> 02:26:22,841 -Okay. -I'll pour the Teremana. 2504 02:26:22,907 --> 02:26:25,277 Why would you say that about my fucking wife? 2505 02:26:25,343 --> 02:26:28,446 -I'm gonna talk to you later. -[stutters] 2506 02:26:28,513 --> 02:26:29,881 I'll talk to you fucking later. 2507 02:26:29,948 --> 02:26:31,516 But you're the one who said, "Hey, listen, 2508 02:26:31,583 --> 02:26:32,817 fucking say anything you want." 2509 02:26:32,884 --> 02:26:34,352 No, have a good time, but what the fuck was that? 2510 02:26:34,419 --> 02:26:36,454 -Okay, okay, okay, okay. -Come on, let's take a toast. 2511 02:26:36,521 --> 02:26:39,958 Okay, let's take a toast. You know what, here, let me sit down. 2512 02:26:40,025 --> 02:26:42,193 -Yeah, go, you sit down. -Let me sit down. 2513 02:26:42,260 --> 02:26:43,628 No, you sit down, let me sit down. 2514 02:26:43,695 --> 02:26:45,497 -Come on. -All right. 2515 02:26:45,563 --> 02:26:51,770 [audience cheering, applauding] 2516 02:26:51,836 --> 02:26:54,539 Um… Hey, listen. 2517 02:26:54,606 --> 02:26:57,409 -Before the toast comes, it's only right. -Yeah. 2518 02:26:57,475 --> 02:26:58,843 Come sit on my knee. 2519 02:27:01,313 --> 02:27:02,947 Yes. No, what do you mean, "Don't"? 2520 02:27:03,014 --> 02:27:04,649 -What the fuck are you talking about? -[Dwayne] No, what do you mean, "Don't"? 2521 02:27:04,716 --> 02:27:06,151 -Shut up, Shane. -I'm not sitting on your fucking knee. 2522 02:27:06,217 --> 02:27:08,353 -Sit on my knee. -I'm not sitting on your fucking knee. 2523 02:27:08,420 --> 02:27:09,387 We're gonna show brotherly love. 2524 02:27:09,454 --> 02:27:11,189 -You're gonna sit on my knee. -No, no, no. I'm live on Netflix. 2525 02:27:11,256 --> 02:27:12,724 -[Chelsea] Do it! Do it! -I'm not sitting on your fucking knee. 2526 02:27:12,791 --> 02:27:14,326 -[Chelsea] Everyone wants you to sit down. -Chelsea. 2527 02:27:14,392 --> 02:27:16,261 -I know you're gonna fucking do it. -Chelsea, shut the fuck up. 2528 02:27:16,328 --> 02:27:17,762 -Yes, yes. -No. 2529 02:27:17,829 --> 02:27:19,197 -No. Shane. -Yes. 2530 02:27:19,264 --> 02:27:21,666 Katt Williams would be right. Katt Williams would be right. 2531 02:27:21,733 --> 02:27:23,201 Shane, no. 2532 02:27:23,268 --> 02:27:24,969 -Don't let Katt win. -Do you wanna see Kevin Hart 2533 02:27:25,036 --> 02:27:26,104 sit on my knee? 2534 02:27:26,171 --> 02:27:29,240 -[audience cheering, applauding] -There you go. 2535 02:27:29,307 --> 02:27:31,009 -Okay. -Sit on my knee. 2536 02:27:31,076 --> 02:27:33,044 I got a-- I got a better question. 2537 02:27:33,111 --> 02:27:35,280 Do you guys want to go fuck yourselves? 2538 02:27:35,347 --> 02:27:37,582 -Because I'm not fucking doing it! -[laughs] 2539 02:27:37,649 --> 02:27:38,917 -No, man. -Come on. 2540 02:27:38,983 --> 02:27:41,286 -[Kevin] No, fuck you, man. -[Dwayne] I-- I-- I really mean this. 2541 02:27:41,353 --> 02:27:43,988 -No, I mean this, man. Fuck you. -Okay, well-- well, get close. 2542 02:27:44,055 --> 02:27:45,824 All right, I'll sit right here. I'll sit on this. 2543 02:27:45,890 --> 02:27:47,292 -All right, come on. -Okay. 2544 02:27:47,359 --> 02:27:48,927 -Come on. -All right. 2545 02:27:50,729 --> 02:27:54,032 -To brotherhood, to friendship. -Absolutely. 2546 02:27:54,099 --> 02:27:55,934 And I-- I am always in your corner. 2547 02:27:56,000 --> 02:27:57,135 -Fucking love you. -And I love you, man. 2548 02:27:57,202 --> 02:27:58,370 -I love you more, man. -I love you, too. 2549 02:27:58,436 --> 02:28:01,973 -Love you more. It's my brother, man. -[audience cheering, applauding] 2550 02:28:02,040 --> 02:28:03,842 Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, 2551 02:28:03,908 --> 02:28:05,944 hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. 2552 02:28:06,010 --> 02:28:09,447 That's not for you. That's good shit. Let me try this. 2553 02:28:09,514 --> 02:28:10,782 That's good shit, too. 2554 02:28:10,849 --> 02:28:14,219 Uh, this is for Daddy. This is for you. 2555 02:28:14,285 --> 02:28:17,188 -What the fuck are you talking about? -Get a good latch. 2556 02:28:17,255 --> 02:28:18,256 What? 2557 02:28:18,323 --> 02:28:20,892 My titties ain't sucking themselves, now you get down here 2558 02:28:20,959 --> 02:28:22,961 -and you suck on this tit. -Hey, man-- [laughs] 2559 02:28:23,027 --> 02:28:25,630 Come on, get up, get up, sit down, sit down. 2560 02:28:25,697 --> 02:28:27,532 Get the fuck off me, what is your fucking issue? 2561 02:28:27,599 --> 02:28:29,968 Do you wanna see Kevin latch onto this nipple? 2562 02:28:30,034 --> 02:28:32,504 Okay, all right, okay, all right, that's it. 2563 02:28:32,570 --> 02:28:34,706 -They do. Sit down. -That's it. Get the fuck out of here. 2564 02:28:34,773 --> 02:28:36,207 -What do you mean-- -Get the fuck out of here! 2565 02:28:36,274 --> 02:28:37,776 -They ain't sucking themselves. -That's it. Fuck you, man. 2566 02:28:37,842 --> 02:28:39,010 -Get d-- [laughs] -Fuck you! 2567 02:28:39,077 --> 02:28:40,512 -Get d-- -No, I'm not doing shit. 2568 02:28:40,578 --> 02:28:42,414 Oh, now you don't want to do it because it's a live crowd? 2569 02:28:42,480 --> 02:28:45,216 -I don't want to do it because I'm-- -Oh, now you don't want to do it. 2570 02:28:45,283 --> 02:28:48,286 -I've never sucked your fucking titties. -[Dwayne] You have. What do you mean? 2571 02:28:48,353 --> 02:28:49,354 Fuck you, DJ. 2572 02:28:49,421 --> 02:28:50,889 [Dwayne] Oh, now you've never cradled my balls either? 2573 02:28:50,955 --> 02:28:53,024 You know what? Okay. All right. That's it. 2574 02:28:53,091 --> 02:28:54,626 -All right. That's it. That's it. -Okay, fine, all right. 2575 02:28:54,692 --> 02:28:56,561 -You're done. You're fucking done. -Fuck this. 2576 02:28:56,628 --> 02:28:57,662 -Wrap it up. -Sit down. 2577 02:28:57,729 --> 02:28:58,997 -[Kevin] Wrap it up. -[Dwayne] Sit the fuck down. 2578 02:28:59,063 --> 02:29:00,064 Well, fuck you. Wrap it up. 2579 02:29:00,131 --> 02:29:01,366 Now you don't want to suck it. 2580 02:29:01,433 --> 02:29:02,801 -Okay, fine. -Fucking… bald-- 2581 02:29:02,867 --> 02:29:04,702 -That's all right. -Fucking piece of shit, wrap it up. 2582 02:29:04,769 --> 02:29:05,970 [Dwayne] That's all right, that's all right. 2583 02:29:06,037 --> 02:29:07,105 Jesus Christ. 2584 02:29:07,172 --> 02:29:09,007 {\an8}Eniko, you know what's coming tonight. 2585 02:29:09,073 --> 02:29:11,176 {\an8}-Okay, that's it. -[Kevin] Okay, all right. 2586 02:29:12,377 --> 02:29:16,080 {\an8}Just a little this, this, this, this, this, this all night. 2587 02:29:16,147 --> 02:29:17,348 {\an8}Listen, all right. 2588 02:29:17,415 --> 02:29:20,151 {\an8}[audience laughing] 2589 02:29:20,218 --> 02:29:21,352 {\an8}Jesus. 2590 02:29:23,788 --> 02:29:24,989 {\an8}You know… 2591 02:29:27,292 --> 02:29:29,761 This is why my jaws always hurt from hanging out with you-- 2592 02:29:29,828 --> 02:29:32,964 -What the fuck does that mean? -No, no, no. No, no. I meant-- 2593 02:29:34,199 --> 02:29:37,535 -What the fuck are you saying, man? -You know what I meant. 2594 02:29:37,602 --> 02:29:40,972 I meant 'cause I laugh so fucking hard with this guy. 2595 02:29:41,039 --> 02:29:44,609 -That's what I meant. All right? -[Kevin] Okay, well say that first. 2596 02:29:44,676 --> 02:29:47,312 -[laughs] -[audience laughing] 2597 02:29:47,378 --> 02:29:49,013 Jesus. 2598 02:29:49,080 --> 02:29:52,884 {\an8}All right, the time has finally arrived. 2599 02:29:54,018 --> 02:29:56,721 {\an8}Just one more thing for him to suck at. 2600 02:29:56,788 --> 02:30:02,193 {\an8}Clearly won't be my areola tonight, but ladies and gentlemen, 2601 02:30:02,260 --> 02:30:06,998 {\an8}it is my honor to introduce my friend, 2602 02:30:07,065 --> 02:30:11,169 {\an8}my brother, the one we are all here to celebrate here tonight 2603 02:30:11,236 --> 02:30:14,472 {\an8}and everywhere around the world watching live on Netflix. 2604 02:30:15,807 --> 02:30:20,078 {\an8}I love you, I'm fucking proud of you, and I will always have your back. 2605 02:30:20,144 --> 02:30:23,047 {\an8}Ladies and gentlemen, the GOAT, Kevin Hart. 2606 02:30:23,114 --> 02:30:28,553 {\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding] -[upbeat music playing] 2607 02:30:28,620 --> 02:30:31,089 ♪ Regardless, but this ain't no Kevin I'm heartless ♪ 2608 02:30:31,155 --> 02:30:32,724 ♪ Bitch, I'm the biggest, the largest ♪ 2609 02:30:32,824 --> 02:30:35,193 ♪ Been stepping on cheese Since my mama lived in an apartment ♪ 2610 02:30:35,326 --> 02:30:36,194 Wow. 2611 02:30:36,261 --> 02:30:37,829 ♪ But this ain't no Kevin, I'm heartless ♪ 2612 02:30:38,162 --> 02:30:39,197 [Kevin] Um… 2613 02:30:39,264 --> 02:30:41,266 -[music concludes] -[audience cheering, applauding] 2614 02:30:41,332 --> 02:30:44,302 You know, the-- the rebuttal-- the rebuttal that I have in store, 2615 02:30:44,369 --> 02:30:47,739 {\an8}I don't think is, uh… is podium friendly. 2616 02:30:47,805 --> 02:30:49,507 {\an8}So y'all can get the podium the fuck out the way. 2617 02:30:49,574 --> 02:30:54,312 {\an8}Let's-- Let's lower the fucking podium. Um… 2618 02:30:54,379 --> 02:30:56,414 {\an8}We heard a lot of shit tonight. 2619 02:30:56,481 --> 02:30:59,183 We heard a lot of shit tonight and like I told everybody on this day is, 2620 02:30:59,250 --> 02:31:01,719 I said, "I want you to go as hard as you want 2621 02:31:01,786 --> 02:31:03,421 because I get the mic last." 2622 02:31:03,488 --> 02:31:05,256 And unlike other roasts, 2623 02:31:05,323 --> 02:31:08,626 what they've never had is a polished fucking comedian 2624 02:31:08,693 --> 02:31:10,662 as such go last. 2625 02:31:10,728 --> 02:31:12,964 So what I wanna do, 2626 02:31:13,031 --> 02:31:14,966 I wanna make you guys understand, like, 2627 02:31:15,033 --> 02:31:17,535 you basically have told me you want a real nigga tonight. 2628 02:31:17,602 --> 02:31:19,070 You want a real nigga here. 2629 02:31:20,672 --> 02:31:21,873 So you're gonna get a real nigga. 2630 02:31:21,940 --> 02:31:27,345 A real nigga is what you want, then a real nigga is what you will get. 2631 02:31:27,412 --> 02:31:28,580 Okay? 2632 02:31:28,646 --> 02:31:30,448 You want a real nigga response? 2633 02:31:30,515 --> 02:31:32,517 Then I'm gonna give you a real nigga response. 2634 02:31:32,584 --> 02:31:36,020 At this point, I wanna take the moment just to talk to my sponsors, 2635 02:31:36,087 --> 02:31:38,356 my business partners, my brand partnerships, 2636 02:31:38,423 --> 02:31:40,224 and I'm gonna tell you, for the next 15 minutes, 2637 02:31:40,291 --> 02:31:42,460 put a pause on our relationships, 2638 02:31:42,527 --> 02:31:46,230 because what I'm about to do is not business friendly. 2639 02:31:46,297 --> 02:31:47,732 I'm going to be raw. 2640 02:31:47,799 --> 02:31:50,702 And when I say raw, I really mean raw. 2641 02:31:50,768 --> 02:31:54,606 I'm talking raw like the inside of Lizzo's thighs. 2642 02:31:54,672 --> 02:31:56,374 -Uh… -[audience laughing] 2643 02:31:56,441 --> 02:31:59,310 There's no skin there. There's no skin at all. 2644 02:31:59,377 --> 02:32:02,513 Raw, like the dick that Chelsea Handler takes. 2645 02:32:02,580 --> 02:32:04,248 We're gonna go raw tonight. 2646 02:32:04,315 --> 02:32:08,019 Raw like Tony Hinchcliffe's asshole when Joe Rogan finishes. 2647 02:32:08,086 --> 02:32:09,053 We're gonna go raw. 2648 02:32:10,088 --> 02:32:12,724 In order to be raw, I need my bitch. 2649 02:32:12,790 --> 02:32:14,459 Give me my bitch, please. 2650 02:32:14,525 --> 02:32:16,494 -[gun cocking] -Yeah. 2651 02:32:16,561 --> 02:32:18,796 Do me a favor, cock it again. Let me make sure it's loaded. 2652 02:32:18,863 --> 02:32:20,498 -[gun cocking] -One more time. 2653 02:32:20,565 --> 02:32:21,766 -[gun cocking] -Yeah, because I'm about 2654 02:32:21,833 --> 02:32:24,102 to take shots, okay? 2655 02:32:24,168 --> 02:32:25,770 Boy, oh boy. 2656 02:32:25,837 --> 02:32:28,773 We're going to start with Dwayne, my friend the Rock. 2657 02:32:28,840 --> 02:32:30,008 Fuck, man. 2658 02:32:30,074 --> 02:32:32,043 He shocked me. He fucking shocked me. 2659 02:32:32,110 --> 02:32:34,245 I didn't know he was going to be here, he came. 2660 02:32:34,312 --> 02:32:36,414 And it's crazy because that's my friend. Like, we're really close. 2661 02:32:36,481 --> 02:32:38,850 And, you know, a lot of people have said bad things 2662 02:32:38,916 --> 02:32:40,151 about Dwayne, and I've taken up for them. 2663 02:32:40,218 --> 02:32:43,554 A lot of people have said that Dwayne is on Ozempic. 2664 02:32:43,621 --> 02:32:46,257 They thought he was on fucking Ozempic. 2665 02:32:46,324 --> 02:32:49,060 I'm the one that said he's not on Ozempic. 2666 02:32:49,127 --> 02:32:50,762 That's not Ozempic. 2667 02:32:50,828 --> 02:32:54,132 I'm here to tell you guys tonight that what you're looking at… 2668 02:32:54,198 --> 02:32:56,267 is full-blown AIDS, okay? 2669 02:32:57,602 --> 02:33:00,071 That's AIDS. Hit him in the head one time. 2670 02:33:00,138 --> 02:33:01,472 -[gunshot] -Yeah, 2671 02:33:01,539 --> 02:33:03,141 we're gonna shoot these bitches tonight. 2672 02:33:03,207 --> 02:33:04,876 [audience laughing] 2673 02:33:04,942 --> 02:33:07,545 I'm not talking about the good stuff, not the Magic Johnson AIDS. 2674 02:33:07,612 --> 02:33:12,016 What you're looking at is Tom Hanks in the movie Philadelphia AIDS. 2675 02:33:12,083 --> 02:33:16,087 The-- The-- Yeah, the AIDS-- [laughs] 2676 02:33:16,154 --> 02:33:18,089 The AIDS that takes your body weight like that, 2677 02:33:18,156 --> 02:33:20,725 that gives you a drastic change over-fucking-night. 2678 02:33:20,792 --> 02:33:22,493 Fuck him. Do me a favor. 2679 02:33:22,560 --> 02:33:24,562 -Hit him in the head one more time. -[gunshot] 2680 02:33:24,629 --> 02:33:26,230 Yeah! 2681 02:33:26,297 --> 02:33:28,900 I'm gonna fucking shoot the fuck out of you all night, DJ. 2682 02:33:28,966 --> 02:33:30,868 -[inaudible] -No, it's not enough. 2683 02:33:30,935 --> 02:33:34,305 No, it's not, because you're starting to look weird. 2684 02:33:34,372 --> 02:33:35,873 It's starting to look bad. You look like a-- 2685 02:33:35,940 --> 02:33:38,009 You look like a ninja turtle with no shell. 2686 02:33:38,076 --> 02:33:40,812 You look like a fucking… [laughs] 2687 02:33:40,878 --> 02:33:43,114 Yeah! Shoot him again! 2688 02:33:43,181 --> 02:33:45,516 -[gunshot] -Yeah! 2689 02:33:45,583 --> 02:33:46,584 Fuck him! 2690 02:33:49,120 --> 02:33:51,022 You know, I've been talking to Sony. 2691 02:33:51,089 --> 02:33:53,491 I told Sony that we better shoot Jumanji 4 now 2692 02:33:53,558 --> 02:33:57,495 because I don't know if we have much time left with DJ. [laughs] 2693 02:33:57,562 --> 02:33:58,996 He could die soon. 2694 02:33:59,063 --> 02:34:01,132 -[chuckles] -[audience laughing] 2695 02:34:01,199 --> 02:34:03,735 I'm not gonna lie, I miss the old Rock. 2696 02:34:03,801 --> 02:34:04,802 Close friends we are, man. 2697 02:34:04,869 --> 02:34:07,205 We used to teach each other a lot of things. 2698 02:34:07,271 --> 02:34:09,640 Like, honestly, DJ told me how to do movie stunts. 2699 02:34:09,707 --> 02:34:13,244 I know how to do movie stunts because of him, right? 2700 02:34:13,311 --> 02:34:14,779 I told him things in return. 2701 02:34:14,846 --> 02:34:17,081 I taught him how to sound out words. 2702 02:34:17,148 --> 02:34:18,883 -"Sound it out." -[audience laughing] 2703 02:34:18,950 --> 02:34:20,384 "Sound it out." 2704 02:34:20,451 --> 02:34:22,720 I taught him how to point at images of fruit 2705 02:34:22,787 --> 02:34:24,922 so we could know what he wanted to eat on set. 2706 02:34:24,989 --> 02:34:27,225 [audience laughing] 2707 02:34:27,291 --> 02:34:31,729 "Papaya, got it. Pa-pa-ya, yes." 2708 02:34:31,796 --> 02:34:33,765 That's a caveman joke. 2709 02:34:33,831 --> 02:34:36,834 Shane, I bet you thought it was a monkey joke, you racist fuck. 2710 02:34:36,901 --> 02:34:37,902 I know you did. 2711 02:34:41,172 --> 02:34:42,406 You know, listen to this, man. 2712 02:34:42,473 --> 02:34:44,208 You know, most people don't know the things 2713 02:34:44,275 --> 02:34:46,344 that I know about DJ, man. The Rock is half Black. 2714 02:34:46,410 --> 02:34:47,745 I know it was mentioned tonight. 2715 02:34:47,812 --> 02:34:49,647 Uh, he is. He's half Black. 2716 02:34:49,714 --> 02:34:51,649 And a lot of people don't really know that. 2717 02:34:51,716 --> 02:34:53,785 Nobody else knows that. 2718 02:34:53,851 --> 02:34:55,920 You know who else doesn't know that? 2719 02:34:55,987 --> 02:34:57,989 Him. He doesn't fucking know it. 2720 02:34:59,390 --> 02:35:01,659 He's half Black and half Samoan. 2721 02:35:02,660 --> 02:35:04,262 You know what I wish? 2722 02:35:04,328 --> 02:35:07,865 I wish he would do some more Black shit. 2723 02:35:07,932 --> 02:35:08,933 That's what I do. 2724 02:35:09,000 --> 02:35:10,902 -[laughs] -[audience laughing] 2725 02:35:10,968 --> 02:35:13,104 I'm sick of all this Hawaiian shit. 2726 02:35:13,171 --> 02:35:15,706 All this barefoot hula hoopin' shit. 2727 02:35:17,642 --> 02:35:21,779 All this hukule, hukule, hukule, hukule shit. 2728 02:35:21,846 --> 02:35:26,083 Don't nobody wanna see your big ass with no fuckin' grass dress on, 2729 02:35:26,150 --> 02:35:28,219 hukulein' all fuckin' day. 2730 02:35:28,286 --> 02:35:31,189 Put on some Air Force Ones, nigga, I'm sick of seein' it. 2731 02:35:33,424 --> 02:35:36,127 I'ma-- I'ma take you down one by one. 2732 02:35:37,328 --> 02:35:38,462 Shane Gillis. 2733 02:35:38,529 --> 02:35:39,997 Shane Gillis tonight, man, as a host. 2734 02:35:40,064 --> 02:35:41,432 Show him some love. 2735 02:35:41,499 --> 02:35:42,600 [audience applauding] 2736 02:35:42,667 --> 02:35:45,570 [Kevin] Seriously, what a good set. 2737 02:35:45,636 --> 02:35:47,538 What a good set. 2738 02:35:47,605 --> 02:35:50,041 I'll be honest with you guys, Shane Gillis was one Bud Light away 2739 02:35:50,107 --> 02:35:52,176 from calling me a "nigger" on this stage tonight. 2740 02:35:52,243 --> 02:35:55,947 -[audience laughing] -[Kevin laughing] 2741 02:35:57,215 --> 02:35:59,050 One Bud Light. 2742 02:35:59,116 --> 02:36:00,818 "Nigger!" He wanted to say it. 2743 02:36:02,753 --> 02:36:04,822 Shane is on my Mount Rushmore of racism. 2744 02:36:06,791 --> 02:36:08,092 He is. 2745 02:36:08,159 --> 02:36:09,527 My Mount Rushmore of racism, 2746 02:36:09,594 --> 02:36:12,363 like when it comes to hating Black people, Shane Gillis, 2747 02:36:13,431 --> 02:36:14,432 Kid Rock, 2748 02:36:15,766 --> 02:36:16,901 Hulk Hogan, 2749 02:36:18,536 --> 02:36:20,972 Stephen A. Smith. Those are my four people… 2750 02:36:21,038 --> 02:36:23,341 [audience laughing] 2751 02:36:23,407 --> 02:36:25,309 …when it comes to hating Black people. 2752 02:36:28,079 --> 02:36:30,948 Shane Gillis is what happens when you let those people 2753 02:36:31,015 --> 02:36:32,583 on Love on the Spectrum fuck. 2754 02:36:32,650 --> 02:36:33,651 That's what happens. 2755 02:36:33,718 --> 02:36:35,586 -[audience laughing] -[laughs] 2756 02:36:35,653 --> 02:36:36,921 [Kevin] They make one of those. 2757 02:36:38,589 --> 02:36:39,657 Don't let them people fuck. 2758 02:36:39,724 --> 02:36:42,426 You gonna get another Shane Gillis. [laughs] 2759 02:36:44,095 --> 02:36:47,398 Shane is what happens when you give a Down syndrome baby 2760 02:36:47,465 --> 02:36:50,534 human growth hormone. That's what happens. 2761 02:36:50,601 --> 02:36:52,136 Don't rush the process. 2762 02:36:53,704 --> 02:36:54,705 Shane is autistic. 2763 02:36:56,974 --> 02:36:59,710 Shane is autistic, and Chelsea is a whore. 2764 02:36:59,777 --> 02:37:02,313 -Um… -[audience laughing] 2765 02:37:02,380 --> 02:37:04,982 They both love trains, but for different reasons. 2766 02:37:05,049 --> 02:37:06,584 [laughs] 2767 02:37:06,651 --> 02:37:09,553 -Hit him! Hit him! Yeah! -[gunshots] 2768 02:37:11,422 --> 02:37:12,590 Fuck! 2769 02:37:13,958 --> 02:37:16,894 This is a good time for me to talk to one of my sponsors, Chase Bank. 2770 02:37:16,961 --> 02:37:19,263 Cash back with every purchase you get with us. 2771 02:37:19,330 --> 02:37:21,766 -[audience laughing] -Uh… 2772 02:37:24,168 --> 02:37:25,803 Everybody's been getting on my girl Chelsea 2773 02:37:25,870 --> 02:37:27,204 all night for being a whore. 2774 02:37:27,271 --> 02:37:29,407 Everybody, stop. 2775 02:37:29,473 --> 02:37:31,275 Chelsea isn't just a whore. 2776 02:37:32,410 --> 02:37:34,845 She's also old. Chelsea's old. 2777 02:37:34,912 --> 02:37:36,681 -[audience laughing] -[Kevin] You know what you need? 2778 02:37:36,747 --> 02:37:40,785 You need lube to slide into Chelsea's DMs. [chuckles] 2779 02:37:41,852 --> 02:37:43,688 You're right, Rock, you're right. 2780 02:37:43,754 --> 02:37:45,456 Her pussy-- Her pussy was recognized. 2781 02:37:45,523 --> 02:37:47,124 She did get that BET award. 2782 02:37:47,191 --> 02:37:49,060 Um, only-- You only get that award though, 2783 02:37:49,126 --> 02:37:52,997 you only get that award if you fuck 50 Cent, and that's a fact. 2784 02:37:53,064 --> 02:37:55,299 I'm sorry, I read the prompter wrong. 2785 02:37:55,366 --> 02:37:57,468 Nope, is if you fuck 50 niggas. 2786 02:37:57,535 --> 02:38:00,071 You get that award if you fuck 50 niggas. Sorry, Chelsea. 2787 02:38:00,137 --> 02:38:02,406 That's my bad. 2788 02:38:02,473 --> 02:38:03,641 Draymond Green's here. 2789 02:38:03,708 --> 02:38:06,444 -Hey, Draymond. -[audience jeering] 2790 02:38:06,510 --> 02:38:08,145 Yeah, yeah. 2791 02:38:08,212 --> 02:38:10,581 Well, Draymond's only here because he's not in the playoffs. 2792 02:38:10,648 --> 02:38:12,049 That's the only reason why he's here. 2793 02:38:12,116 --> 02:38:13,751 -Hit him! -[gunshot] 2794 02:38:13,818 --> 02:38:15,853 Yeah, head shot. Fuck you, Draymond. 2795 02:38:19,423 --> 02:38:22,226 Everybody attacked my fucking sisters tonight. 2796 02:38:22,293 --> 02:38:24,328 A lot of Black women on this stage. 2797 02:38:24,395 --> 02:38:27,431 Sheryl, Lizzo, Regina. 2798 02:38:27,498 --> 02:38:29,433 Teyana came out here. 2799 02:38:29,500 --> 02:38:32,770 What I'm not gonna do is be a Black man and talk about my fucking sisters 2800 02:38:32,837 --> 02:38:34,905 on this stage live on Netflix 2801 02:38:34,972 --> 02:38:37,108 in front of millions of fucking people, not me. 2802 02:38:37,174 --> 02:38:38,309 I'm not gonna give you that. 2803 02:38:38,376 --> 02:38:40,644 I'm not gonna give these crackers that luxury. 2804 02:38:42,680 --> 02:38:44,915 Y'all don't know what these women have been through. 2805 02:38:44,982 --> 02:38:47,018 None of these women have a fucking man. 2806 02:38:47,084 --> 02:38:48,586 None of them. None of them. 2807 02:38:48,652 --> 02:38:50,354 -[audience laughing] -None of them. 2808 02:38:51,722 --> 02:38:53,924 They're home alone at night 2809 02:38:53,991 --> 02:38:55,926 in their giant mansions, 2810 02:38:55,993 --> 02:38:59,330 eating fucking microwavable Hot Pockets, watching TV. 2811 02:39:00,564 --> 02:39:04,101 I'm not gonna stand here in front of all these fucking white people 2812 02:39:04,168 --> 02:39:08,072 and disrespect these lonely bitches. [laughs] 2813 02:39:08,139 --> 02:39:09,840 [audience laughing] 2814 02:39:11,509 --> 02:39:15,012 I wanna thank my sisters for coming. I love you, Jean. 2815 02:39:15,079 --> 02:39:18,449 I love you. I love you, Lizzo. I love you, Sheryl. 2816 02:39:18,516 --> 02:39:20,951 We got a spades game every Tuesday. [laughs] 2817 02:39:24,288 --> 02:39:26,757 Boy, oh boy, y'all got Katt Williams to come out here, huh? 2818 02:39:26,824 --> 02:39:28,592 -[audience cheering] -Katt Williams. 2819 02:39:30,861 --> 02:39:33,330 Katt Williams came out here. 2820 02:39:33,397 --> 02:39:35,633 You know, this is the time to, like, really make everybody realize. 2821 02:39:35,699 --> 02:39:38,202 Everybody has said tonight that I can't act. 2822 02:39:38,269 --> 02:39:40,304 "Kevin cannot act." 2823 02:39:40,371 --> 02:39:42,106 What I want you to do is go back 2824 02:39:42,173 --> 02:39:44,575 and look at that moment where I shook Katt's hand and I looked him in the eye 2825 02:39:44,642 --> 02:39:46,444 and I said, "I just want us to be friends." 2826 02:39:46,510 --> 02:39:48,079 [audience laughing] 2827 02:39:48,145 --> 02:39:52,016 Some of the best fucking acting that I've ever did in my career. 2828 02:39:52,083 --> 02:39:54,285 I did not mean one word of what I said. 2829 02:39:54,351 --> 02:39:55,920 Fuck Katt Williams. 2830 02:39:55,986 --> 02:39:58,389 Fuck Katt Williams. 2831 02:39:58,456 --> 02:40:01,459 Katt Williams is a motherfucking liar. He's a liar! 2832 02:40:02,593 --> 02:40:06,297 Y'all been believing that little nigga's shit for years. 2833 02:40:06,363 --> 02:40:09,967 Katt has lied on me about so much shit. It's ridiculous, man. 2834 02:40:10,034 --> 02:40:12,203 Y'all only believe it because he uses words 2835 02:40:12,269 --> 02:40:14,205 that you haven't heard in a long time. 2836 02:40:15,473 --> 02:40:19,710 Words like "restaurant" or "amenities," shit like that. 2837 02:40:20,878 --> 02:40:24,248 Katt said that I went to Diddy parties. "Kev-- Kev been to Diddy parties." 2838 02:40:24,315 --> 02:40:28,152 "Kev always goes to Diddy parties." I ain't been to no fucking Diddy parties. 2839 02:40:28,219 --> 02:40:29,620 I went to one party, and this is the truth, 2840 02:40:29,687 --> 02:40:31,188 -I went to one fucking party. -[audience laughing] 2841 02:40:31,255 --> 02:40:33,124 I went to one fucking party, okay? 2842 02:40:33,190 --> 02:40:34,925 And the only reason why that little nigga know I was there 2843 02:40:34,992 --> 02:40:38,796 is 'cause he was there. Katt was at the same fucking party. 2844 02:40:38,863 --> 02:40:40,331 I saw him, he saw me. 2845 02:40:40,397 --> 02:40:43,801 He said… [shushes] Fuck you, nigga, tell the truth. 2846 02:40:43,868 --> 02:40:45,803 Tell the fucking truth, nigga. 2847 02:40:45,870 --> 02:40:47,571 We was at the same fucking party. 2848 02:40:49,974 --> 02:40:52,610 I ain't no snitch, I ain't no snitch, but a lot of people was there. 2849 02:40:52,676 --> 02:40:55,179 Shaq was there, Usher was there. 2850 02:40:55,246 --> 02:40:58,182 Fucking Shannon Sharpe was there, he was DJing. 2851 02:40:58,249 --> 02:40:59,250 The Roots were there. 2852 02:40:59,316 --> 02:41:01,552 Y'all didn't do nothing, but I saw y'all too. 2853 02:41:04,722 --> 02:41:06,991 He's a fucking liar! 2854 02:41:07,057 --> 02:41:08,792 Stop believing this nigga lies! 2855 02:41:09,927 --> 02:41:12,963 Katt told y'all he read 3,000 books a year. 2856 02:41:13,030 --> 02:41:17,568 He said that. He said, "I read 3,000 books a year." 2857 02:41:17,635 --> 02:41:18,569 All right, well, let's unpack it. 2858 02:41:18,636 --> 02:41:21,539 Let's talk about the books that you didn't fucking read. 2859 02:41:21,605 --> 02:41:24,108 That's what I want to talk about. What are the books that you didn't read? 2860 02:41:24,175 --> 02:41:25,042 I'll tell you what it was. 2861 02:41:25,109 --> 02:41:27,545 He obviously didn't read his probation paperwork. 2862 02:41:27,611 --> 02:41:30,981 I'll tell you that. That nigga didn't read that. 2863 02:41:31,048 --> 02:41:34,084 He didn't read, he didn't… [laughs] 2864 02:41:34,151 --> 02:41:35,986 He didn't read-- He didn't read the room 2865 02:41:36,053 --> 02:41:37,988 when that little 12-year-old choked him the fuck out. 2866 02:41:38,055 --> 02:41:40,724 -I'll tell you that. -[audience laughing] 2867 02:41:42,293 --> 02:41:44,094 I don't give a fuck how bad things get in my life. 2868 02:41:44,161 --> 02:41:46,564 I ain't never been choked out by no fucking kid. 2869 02:41:48,699 --> 02:41:51,435 You know it's bad when you start asking people where his parents at. 2870 02:41:51,502 --> 02:41:52,970 "Whose kid is this?" 2871 02:41:54,505 --> 02:41:56,941 I don't know nigga, you lost. You fucking lost. 2872 02:41:58,375 --> 02:42:00,044 "Why was he there?" [laughs] 2873 02:42:02,813 --> 02:42:05,082 Katt Williams came out here in a goddamn cape. 2874 02:42:07,117 --> 02:42:10,054 I've never seen Katt in a regular suit, not one time. 2875 02:42:10,120 --> 02:42:11,855 I've never seen it. 2876 02:42:11,922 --> 02:42:13,557 Only time I've seen him in a suit was a lawsuit. 2877 02:42:13,624 --> 02:42:16,293 That's the only time I've seen Katt in a fucking suit. 2878 02:42:16,360 --> 02:42:19,129 A double-breasted lawsuit. That nigga got a bunch of cases. 2879 02:42:19,196 --> 02:42:23,400 Katt said tonight that I took all his movies that he turned down. 2880 02:42:23,467 --> 02:42:25,469 He said that. He fucking said that. 2881 02:42:25,536 --> 02:42:29,139 You sat there and laughed at it. "Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!" 2882 02:42:29,206 --> 02:42:31,375 This must be the fucking truth. All right, well, let's unpack it. 2883 02:42:31,442 --> 02:42:32,710 Let's unpack it. 2884 02:42:33,744 --> 02:42:36,280 Katt said, I turned down all his roles. Okay, well, let's talk about it, Katt. 2885 02:42:36,347 --> 02:42:38,315 So you're telling me-- you're telling me that you turned down 2886 02:42:38,382 --> 02:42:41,619 Jumanji 1, 2, 3, Ride Along 1, 2, Central Intelligence, 2887 02:42:41,685 --> 02:42:43,787 Think Like a Man 1, 2, The Upside, About Last Night, 2888 02:42:43,854 --> 02:42:46,724 40-Year-Old Virgin, High School, Night School, Me Time, 2889 02:42:46,790 --> 02:42:48,359 Borderlands, Man from Toronto, 2890 02:42:48,425 --> 02:42:50,294 -all… -[audience cheering] 2891 02:42:50,361 --> 02:42:52,363 …so you could do a cameo in Norbit? 2892 02:42:52,429 --> 02:42:54,698 Is that what the fuck you're telling me, Katt? 2893 02:42:56,600 --> 02:42:59,036 Katt, you can't be in my fucking movies. 2894 02:42:59,103 --> 02:43:01,605 You think they want a fucking pimp in Jumanji? 2895 02:43:01,672 --> 02:43:04,074 -Is that what the fuck you think we need? -[audience laughing] 2896 02:43:04,141 --> 02:43:08,412 Ain't no hoes in Jumanji. What the fuck is Katt doing in Jumanji? 2897 02:43:08,479 --> 02:43:10,047 [imitating Katt] Hey bitch, get out the tree. 2898 02:43:10,114 --> 02:43:13,284 [in normal voice] What the fuck? We don't need that. 2899 02:43:13,350 --> 02:43:15,753 The fuck are you doing? 2900 02:43:15,819 --> 02:43:17,488 It's the big leagues up here. 2901 02:43:20,524 --> 02:43:22,426 I gotta stop. I gotta stop. 2902 02:43:22,493 --> 02:43:24,928 I gotta stop on Katt because it's not good for all these white people 2903 02:43:24,995 --> 02:43:27,197 to see two Black people fighting. 2904 02:43:27,264 --> 02:43:28,832 Two little niggas fighting. 2905 02:43:28,899 --> 02:43:31,302 -[laughs] -[audience laughing] 2906 02:43:31,368 --> 02:43:32,903 We're too small to have the beef that we had. 2907 02:43:32,970 --> 02:43:34,705 So, Katt, it's over. 2908 02:43:34,772 --> 02:43:36,307 The beef is over between me and Katt. 2909 02:43:36,373 --> 02:43:38,175 And on a serious note, I love the fact 2910 02:43:38,242 --> 02:43:40,077 that that man showed up tonight and he showed out. 2911 02:43:40,144 --> 02:43:41,712 Katt showed the fuck out. 2912 02:43:41,779 --> 02:43:45,449 [audience cheering, applauding] 2913 02:43:45,516 --> 02:43:47,618 I love that. I love that he shined, man. 2914 02:43:47,685 --> 02:43:49,586 I love that we were able to look each other in the eyes, 2915 02:43:49,653 --> 02:43:51,155 shake each other's hands. 2916 02:43:51,221 --> 02:43:52,723 And I meant what I said. I did. 2917 02:43:52,790 --> 02:43:55,659 I really did. I meant what the fuck I said, man. 2918 02:43:55,726 --> 02:43:56,593 That beef is over. 2919 02:43:56,660 --> 02:43:59,897 Me and Kat are friends from today moving forward, okay? 2920 02:43:59,963 --> 02:44:01,498 We're friends from today moving forward. 2921 02:44:01,565 --> 02:44:03,801 [audience applauding] 2922 02:44:03,867 --> 02:44:05,569 I just want to do a quick check. Uh… 2923 02:44:05,636 --> 02:44:07,938 Lizzo, blood sugar check. You okay? 2924 02:44:08,005 --> 02:44:10,207 -[audience laughing] -[laughs] 2925 02:44:10,274 --> 02:44:12,343 [Kevin] Are your feet swelled up? You okay? 2926 02:44:12,409 --> 02:44:14,545 -They are, but it's okay. -[Kevin] You want a Snickers? All right. 2927 02:44:14,611 --> 02:44:16,046 -[laughs] -[audience laughing] 2928 02:44:16,113 --> 02:44:19,183 Uh, Pete Davidson is here, ladies and gentlemen. 2929 02:44:19,249 --> 02:44:20,117 Pete Davidson is here. 2930 02:44:20,184 --> 02:44:23,487 [audience cheering, applauding] 2931 02:44:23,554 --> 02:44:25,456 Pete, the fucking thing about roasting you is bad because I like you. 2932 02:44:25,522 --> 02:44:27,291 Me and you actually get along, so it's tough to roast you. 2933 02:44:27,358 --> 02:44:29,226 I don't really have a roast. I just have questions. 2934 02:44:29,293 --> 02:44:31,128 [audience chuckling] 2935 02:44:31,195 --> 02:44:32,129 It's not even a question. 2936 02:44:32,196 --> 02:44:34,732 It's like, "Oh, I'm happy to see Pete outside." 2937 02:44:34,798 --> 02:44:37,401 You never see Pete during the daytime. Pete is weird. 2938 02:44:38,736 --> 02:44:41,772 Scared of the sunlight. [screeches, hisses] 2939 02:44:41,839 --> 02:44:43,974 [chuckles] 2940 02:44:45,642 --> 02:44:48,212 I feel like Pete wants to be Black, but he don't want to say it. 2941 02:44:48,278 --> 02:44:50,214 [audience chuckling] 2942 02:44:50,280 --> 02:44:52,549 He does. He's done a lot of Black shit. 2943 02:44:52,616 --> 02:44:54,351 Pete, let's see, let's break it down. 2944 02:44:54,418 --> 02:44:56,954 He's got a child out of wedlock. Uh… 2945 02:44:57,020 --> 02:44:58,222 He dated Kim Kardashian. 2946 02:44:58,288 --> 02:45:00,724 He grew up without knowing his father. 2947 02:45:01,792 --> 02:45:03,660 I mean, Pete, if you wanna be Black so bad, 2948 02:45:03,727 --> 02:45:07,064 just fuck Chelsea Handler and don't call her in the morning. 2949 02:45:07,131 --> 02:45:08,499 [laughs] 2950 02:45:08,565 --> 02:45:11,101 You can-- You can get away with it, Pete. 2951 02:45:13,337 --> 02:45:16,740 Jesus, Pete fucks. I mean, Pete fucks. [chuckles] 2952 02:45:17,875 --> 02:45:19,610 -You fuck, Pete. -[inaudible] 2953 02:45:19,676 --> 02:45:22,679 [Kevin] Fuck you. That's it. That's enough. 2954 02:45:22,746 --> 02:45:24,281 Edit that out, what Pete just said. 2955 02:45:24,348 --> 02:45:25,649 [audience laughs] 2956 02:45:25,716 --> 02:45:27,951 I want to go to Jeff Ross. 2957 02:45:28,018 --> 02:45:30,654 Jeff Ross is here. Jeff Ross actually… 2958 02:45:30,721 --> 02:45:33,056 -[inaudible] -He went to the bathroom. Shocker. Uh… 2959 02:45:33,123 --> 02:45:35,058 [audience laughing] 2960 02:45:35,125 --> 02:45:37,494 Shocker, Jeff Ross has a bladder problem, 2961 02:45:37,561 --> 02:45:40,731 that couldn't sit through the show. 2962 02:45:40,798 --> 02:45:43,167 Jeff Ross actually, uh, he beat cancer. 2963 02:45:44,234 --> 02:45:45,903 -[audience cheering] -Yeah. 2964 02:45:45,969 --> 02:45:47,438 Yeah. 2965 02:45:47,504 --> 02:45:49,273 Um… 2966 02:45:49,339 --> 02:45:50,908 I don't believe it. I don't believe it. 2967 02:45:50,974 --> 02:45:52,242 [audience laughing] 2968 02:45:52,309 --> 02:45:54,244 I don't believe that Jeff beat cancer. 2969 02:45:54,311 --> 02:45:56,513 I think the cancer just left. I do. 2970 02:45:56,580 --> 02:45:58,916 -[audience laughing] -[laughs] 2971 02:45:58,982 --> 02:46:02,019 I also-- I also think Jeff looked better with cancer. 2972 02:46:02,085 --> 02:46:05,222 I don't think-- I think he looks worse without the cancer. 2973 02:46:05,289 --> 02:46:07,291 This is the one time where I would ask somebody, 2974 02:46:07,357 --> 02:46:08,859 can you get the cancer back? 2975 02:46:08,926 --> 02:46:12,029 Like, can we put it back, Jeff? 2976 02:46:13,597 --> 02:46:15,132 Tony Hinchcliffe is here. 2977 02:46:15,199 --> 02:46:16,400 Tony, what a set tonight. 2978 02:46:16,467 --> 02:46:18,001 [audience cheering, applauding] 2979 02:46:18,068 --> 02:46:20,137 [Kevin] Tony, you fuckin' crushed tonight. 2980 02:46:20,204 --> 02:46:22,005 Everybody thinks Tony's gay, too. 2981 02:46:22,072 --> 02:46:26,176 Stop it. Stop the gay stuff with Tony. Tony's not gay. 2982 02:46:26,243 --> 02:46:28,712 Tony is not gay! 2983 02:46:30,147 --> 02:46:32,983 -Tony just likes suckin' dick. -[audience laughing] 2984 02:46:33,050 --> 02:46:34,751 [Kevin] It's a big difference. 2985 02:46:34,818 --> 02:46:36,920 I mean, look at that smile on Tony. 2986 02:46:36,987 --> 02:46:40,657 That's proof that Joe Rogan likes a snaggletooth blowjob. Just… 2987 02:46:42,826 --> 02:46:44,528 Tony's really not gay, though, man. 2988 02:46:44,595 --> 02:46:47,898 Like, he just fuck-- Oh, Jesus, Jeff. Goddamn. 2989 02:46:47,965 --> 02:46:49,700 Out the corner of my eye, it looked like the Kool-Aid man 2990 02:46:49,766 --> 02:46:51,034 just came out the set. 2991 02:46:51,101 --> 02:46:52,102 Jesus Christ. 2992 02:46:53,470 --> 02:46:56,206 -I mean, what the fuck was that? -I love it. 2993 02:46:56,273 --> 02:46:59,243 The fact that you thought you were sneaking just now, Jeff. 2994 02:47:00,277 --> 02:47:04,047 I've never heard leather pants make more noise in my life. 2995 02:47:04,114 --> 02:47:06,250 [squelches] 2996 02:47:07,251 --> 02:47:08,252 Fuck. 2997 02:47:11,255 --> 02:47:12,956 I just don't know where Jeff is getting the money 2998 02:47:13,023 --> 02:47:14,558 to fucking do the things he does. 2999 02:47:14,625 --> 02:47:16,727 Like, I really don't. Jeff, zip the jacket up. 3000 02:47:16,793 --> 02:47:18,929 Your fucking nipples out is nasty. 3001 02:47:21,865 --> 02:47:22,966 Je-- [laughs] 3002 02:47:23,033 --> 02:47:26,303 Jeff looks like an insect that you study in biology. 3003 02:47:26,370 --> 02:47:29,206 "So what did you-- So I got a what?" 3004 02:47:29,273 --> 02:47:30,674 "The heart is where?" 3005 02:47:32,042 --> 02:47:34,378 At this time, I just want to say, I'm sorry, Walmart, 3006 02:47:34,444 --> 02:47:36,747 you're doing amazing things, rolling back prices. 3007 02:47:36,813 --> 02:47:40,117 -Keep it going. -[audience laughing] 3008 02:47:44,621 --> 02:47:49,359 You know, guys, in this night, I wanna say some people have shined. 3009 02:47:49,426 --> 02:47:50,594 Honestly. 3010 02:47:50,661 --> 02:47:53,664 -Na’im, I'm so proud of you, brother. -[gentle music playing] 3011 02:47:53,730 --> 02:47:56,333 You came up here, you did what the fuck you was supposed to do. 3012 02:47:56,400 --> 02:48:00,237 And I just wanna say that I'm extremely… I'm extremely richer 3013 02:48:00,304 --> 02:48:02,406 than everybody that you see on this stage. 3014 02:48:03,407 --> 02:48:06,176 And my biggest fear is waking up one day 3015 02:48:06,243 --> 02:48:07,844 with any of these bitches' bank accounts. 3016 02:48:07,911 --> 02:48:10,247 I don't know how I would live. 3017 02:48:10,314 --> 02:48:13,717 I don't know how I would survive. My kids, what would we do? 3018 02:48:13,784 --> 02:48:16,820 I mean, DJ, you got money, but after you have to spend it 3019 02:48:16,887 --> 02:48:19,590 on the AIDS medicine, I just don't know how much you'll have left. 3020 02:48:19,656 --> 02:48:21,058 [audience laughing] 3021 02:48:21,124 --> 02:48:22,759 You guys wanted the real nigga up here tonight, 3022 02:48:22,826 --> 02:48:25,028 and that's exactly what you got. 3023 02:48:25,095 --> 02:48:29,700 So I'm gonna leave this stage in true real nigga fashion. 3024 02:48:29,766 --> 02:48:31,468 That's by showing off. 3025 02:48:31,535 --> 02:48:33,437 I want to give a shout out to all my partners, 3026 02:48:33,503 --> 02:48:34,805 all of my ecosystem, 3027 02:48:34,871 --> 02:48:37,207 the people that make the world of Kevin Hart go around. 3028 02:48:37,274 --> 02:48:39,276 Authentic Brands Group, I love you. 3029 02:48:39,343 --> 02:48:40,711 Burn Boot Camp, I love you. 3030 02:48:40,777 --> 02:48:42,079 C4 Energy, I love you. 3031 02:48:42,145 --> 02:48:46,316 DraftKings, Fabletics, Gran Coramino Tequila, Heartbeat, 3032 02:48:46,383 --> 02:48:51,121 JPMorgan Chase, Michelob, NBC Universal, Qatar Airways, 3033 02:48:51,188 --> 02:48:55,959 SharkNinja, SiriusXM, Sony, Swag Golf, Taco Bell, Verizon, 3034 02:48:56,026 --> 02:48:59,863 Vita Hustle, and of course, my partners here at Netflix. 3035 02:48:59,930 --> 02:49:02,799 These are words that you will never say because you guys are losers. 3036 02:49:02,866 --> 02:49:04,334 [audience laughing] 3037 02:49:04,401 --> 02:49:07,170 See, guys, I'm just a little kid from Philadelphia, 3038 02:49:07,237 --> 02:49:08,972 and I prayed for nights like this. 3039 02:49:09,039 --> 02:49:10,307 And what I want you guys to know is this. 3040 02:49:10,374 --> 02:49:13,276 If I don't celebrate myself, then who else will? 3041 02:49:13,343 --> 02:49:15,912 At the end of the day, I'm proud of myself. 3042 02:49:15,979 --> 02:49:18,115 And what you've been smelling all night is me because I'm the shit. 3043 02:49:18,181 --> 02:49:21,084 And at the end of the day, I'm him, and he is me, 3044 02:49:21,151 --> 02:49:22,719 and together we make we. 3045 02:49:23,720 --> 02:49:25,889 Philadelphia, you should stand up. 3046 02:49:25,956 --> 02:49:27,491 Happy Mother's Day. 3047 02:49:27,557 --> 02:49:29,259 Eniko, I love you. 3048 02:49:29,326 --> 02:49:32,162 And motherfucker, I'm off. Let's go! 3049 02:49:32,229 --> 02:49:33,730 ♪ I say, hold on, wait a minute. ♪ 3050 02:49:33,897 --> 02:49:35,298 ♪ Y'all thought I was finished? ♪ 3051 02:49:35,399 --> 02:49:37,834 ♪ When I bought that Aston Martin Y'all thought it was rented? ♪ 3052 02:49:37,901 --> 02:49:40,671 ♪ Flexin' on these niggas I'm like Popeye on his… ♪ 3053 02:49:40,737 --> 02:49:43,573 ♪ Double M, yeah, that's my team, Rozay the captain, I'm lieu-- ♪ 3054 02:49:43,640 --> 02:49:46,376 ♪ I'm the type to count a million cash Then grind like I'm broke ♪ 3055 02:49:46,443 --> 02:49:49,379 ♪ That Lambo, my new bitch She don't ride like my… ♪ 3056 02:49:49,446 --> 02:49:52,082 ♪ I'm ridin' around my city With my hand strapped to my toes ♪ 3057 02:49:52,182 --> 02:49:54,751 ♪ 'Cause these niggas want me dead And I gotta make it back ♪ 3058 02:49:54,818 --> 02:49:57,754 ♪ 'Cause my mama need that bill money My son need some ♪ 3059 02:49:58,789 --> 02:50:00,490 ♪ These niggas tryna take my life They fuck around, get… ♪ 3060 02:50:00,557 --> 02:50:03,393 ♪ You fuck around, you fuck around You fuck around, get smoked ♪ 3061 02:50:03,460 --> 02:50:05,796 ♪ 'Cause these Philly niggas I brought with me don't fuck around ♪ 3062 02:50:06,630 --> 02:50:09,066 ♪ All I know is murder When it come to me ♪ 3063 02:50:09,132 --> 02:50:11,902 ♪ I got young niggas that's rollin' I got niggas throwin' ♪ 3064 02:50:11,968 --> 02:50:14,738 ♪ I done did the DOA's, I done did the KOD's ♪ 3065 02:50:14,805 --> 02:50:16,707 ♪ Every time I'm in that bitch I get to… ♪ 3066 02:50:17,607 --> 02:50:20,410 ♪ But now I'm hangin' out that drop head I'm ridin' down on Collins ♪ 3067 02:50:20,544 --> 02:50:23,346 ♪ They let my nigga Ern back home That young nigga be wildin' ♪ 3068 02:50:23,447 --> 02:50:26,083 ♪ We young niggas, we mobbin' Like Batman and we're… ♪ 3069 02:50:26,149 --> 02:50:29,052 ♪ In this two-door Maybach With my seat all reclinin' ♪ 3070 02:50:29,119 --> 02:50:31,688 ♪ I say, "Real nigga, what up? Real nigga, what up?" ♪ 3071 02:50:31,755 --> 02:50:34,491 ♪ If you ain't about that murder game, then pussy nigga, shut up ♪ 3072 02:50:34,558 --> 02:50:36,460 [raps indistinctly] 3073 02:50:41,932 --> 02:50:45,068 ♪ Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up ♪ 3074 02:50:45,936 --> 02:50:46,903 ♪ Hey! ♪ 3075 02:50:47,437 --> 02:50:48,872 ♪ Hey! Hey! ♪ 3076 02:50:48,939 --> 02:50:51,708 ♪ 'Cause my mama need that bill money My son need some milk ♪ 3077 02:50:51,775 --> 02:50:54,344 ♪ These niggas want me dead But they fuck around, get killed ♪ 3078 02:50:54,411 --> 02:50:55,779 ♪ You fuck around, you-- ♪ 3079 02:50:56,880 --> 02:50:58,882 ♪ You gonna remember me ♪ 3080 02:50:58,949 --> 02:50:59,816 ♪ They gon' remember me ♪ 3081 02:50:59,883 --> 02:51:02,586 ♪ So much money Have yo' friends turn in yo' enemies ♪ 3082 02:51:02,652 --> 02:51:04,788 ♪ And when there's beef I turn my enemies to-- ♪ 3083 02:51:05,756 --> 02:51:08,291 ♪ With them bricks they go for 40 Ain't no 10 a key ♪ 3084 02:51:08,358 --> 02:51:11,261 ♪ Hold up, broke nigga turned rich Love the game like Mitch ♪ 3085 02:51:11,328 --> 02:51:14,197 ♪ And if I leave, you think them pretty Hoes gon' still suck my… ♪ 3086 02:51:14,264 --> 02:51:17,467 ♪ It was somethin' about that Rollie When it first touched that… ♪ 3087 02:51:17,534 --> 02:51:19,836 ♪ Had me feelin' like that dope boy When he first touched that brick ♪ 3088 02:51:19,903 --> 02:51:20,971 ♪ I'm gone ♪ 3089 02:51:21,037 --> 02:51:22,539 Philadelphia. 3090 02:51:22,606 --> 02:51:23,907 [audience cheering] 3091 02:51:23,974 --> 02:51:25,408 [Kevin] Stand up! 3092 02:51:25,475 --> 02:51:28,111 Meek Mill! The Roots! 3093 02:51:28,178 --> 02:51:29,679 Shane Gillis! 3094 02:51:29,746 --> 02:51:31,648 Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson! 3095 02:51:31,715 --> 02:51:34,351 Bitch! I'm Kevin Hart, 3096 02:51:34,417 --> 02:51:36,553 and you will remember me. I'm gone. 3097 02:51:39,689 --> 02:51:40,891 [music concludes] 3098 02:51:40,957 --> 02:51:44,828 [audience cheering, applauding]270654