All language subtitles for 1 1 The End 2026 S01E04 Alternative Medicine 1080p

Welcome to the end!

What's up, everybody?

You guys ready to start this show?

Oh,

I can't wait. We got a fucking great
lineup here. How about you guys in the

balcony? There we go.

There we go. There we go.

The hat, nice.

Fucking amazing for me. I'm so glad to
be doing this. You guys are going to

everybody here.

Let me bring up the first comedian.

One of the true legends of the show, and
I'm lucky to have her here, and you

guys are lucky to see her. She's a true
queen of comedy.

You know her from her great
autobiography, Rabbit. Please help me

stage, Miss Pat, everybody!

All right, white people, let me get this
shit started.

So, um, I, my family think I'm the saver
of them now. I think they think I got

some money, and I do, just not enough
for them.

Like, they calling me with dumb shit. My
sister been on crack for over 30

-something years, y 'all.

Yes, ever since, you know, y 'all
dropped it in the black community.

Don't tighten your asshole up now. We
just got started.

I'm your DEI of the night.

Come on, white dude. You can laugh a
little harder than that.

So my sister's a crackhead. She been
smoking crack for over 30 years. And she

just called me out of the blue the other
day. And she was like, Pat, I need to

talk to you. I'm like, what do you want,
mate pop? Pay attention, white people.

It's going to be a bunch of nicknames.

I'm like, what do you want? She said, I
don't know if you know this, but I'm

homeless. I say, tell me more.

She said, well, I need you to cash out
me $30.

I'm like, you are a fucking fool.

I'm not giving no crackhead no money.

And I don't know if y 'all really know
what a crackhead is, but it's like if

it's a meth head in your family.

You don't fucking know.

All the ones on fentanyl, you know the
problems that y 'all having.

Crack is our problem.

So I'm like, what do you need $30 for? I
want to get me some food. I said, well,

I'm not going to send you no money
because I'm from the streets like you.

I know what you want to buy, some dope.
I said, but I will send you some Uber

Eats. She said, well, how the fuck am I
going to get some Uber Eats, Pat, when

I'm homeless?

That's a good question.

I said, well, go to Walmart. They take
packages.

Take your ass to Walmart, and I will
send you some Uber Eats. She was like,

it. I'll call you back when I get my own
address.

An hour later, she called me back, and
she said, well, I have an address.

Can you send me some food? I said, sure.
What would you like? She said, well,

I'm feeling like a seafood boy.

No, the fuck you not. You smoke crack.

Bitch, you feeling like Popeye's with a
pepper and a large soda.

Never going to sell my shit in the hood
for half price.

And I know y 'all think I'm cruel, but
I'm not. I love my sister, but she on

crack. And I've tried to get her on
crack, but I don't know what's in crack

just keep a nigga on crack.

But I told her, I said, I know what
you're fighting against, because I'm

fighting against the same shit with
Chick -fil -A. So if they got the same

ingredients, we fucked up.

So I don't talk to her much. At the top
of this year, she called me again. She

was like, I pick up the phone, and she
called me by my nickname, Rabbit, and

just screaming in the phone, Rabbit!

I'm like, what the fuck you want, man?
Pop, what's wrong with you?

She say, Papa just died.

Now, that was a husband of 25 years.

Even though my sister was a crackhead
and sold pussy, she had a husband.

bitches out here losing.

I don't know how a crackhead can stay
married and sell pussy at the same time,

but my brother -in -law respected my
sister's side job.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank God for you.

I think I'm scaring these people right
here.

So I asked her, I said, well, why are
you calling me? She said, he done died.

I said, well, do we have life insurance?

She said, no. I said, well, hold on,
because they think I got some money. I

said, don't y 'all come calling me to
bury you niggas, because I ain't in.

Shut the fuck up. Loosen your asshole.
I'm going to say the N -word.

I'm the only one that can say this shit
tonight.

I'm not talking directly to you. I'm
talking to everybody. I'm just looking

you. I got diabetes.

My equilibrium is stopping me at you.

I got to give y 'all a chance. She got
so offended by that shit.

So, I asked her, I said, do we have life
insurance?

She said, no, and I want to know if you
can help me bury myself. I'm not in the

business of burying niggas. I'm sorry.

You niggas know you're going to die, so
you need to get your die package

together.

Get your shit together, because if I
start burying one of you motherfuckers,

got to bury all y 'all.

I said, so look, he ain't got no life
insurance, right? She said, yes. I said,

okay. Thank God.

I got a friend that owns a funeral home.

So I go up and I call my friend. I say,
look, my brother -in -law just died.

Is there any type of special you got
going on?

This is the shit black people ask when
they ain't got no life insurance.

Pay attention. You need this shit too.

So I said, is there any type of package
you got for people who ain't got no life

insurance? She said, for you, Pat, we've
been friends for over 25 years. I show

the fuck do. She said, for you, I will
cremate your brother -in -law on a

Tuesday for $1 ,400.

Because every Tuesday is my Black Friday
sale.

Now, let me explain something to y 'all.

I told my friend, I said, we will take
that fucking Black Friday sales and two

large Coca -Colas.

Now I'm a little bit in Hollywood, so I
don't do the same shit my family used to

do, you know.

I got a little money, so shit doesn't
change for me. But no matter how much my

life change, y 'all, when I go back and
deal with my family, I got to come back

as the same motherfucker I left. They
don't want to hear this Hollywood shit.

They don't want that fancy shit. They
want it just like when you left.

And let me explain something to y 'all.
If you don't know my background, I come

from a very talented family.

My sister sold pussy. She smoked crack.

My brother imitated the police.

My other brother was a fat cat burglar.

My other brother liked to steal white
people bikes at Georgia Tech.

And I myself was a professional check
forger at a drug dealer. And I call

a professional check forger because I
was forging checks when you had to write

in cursive.

Thank you, grown people.

Young people looking like, what the fuck
is in person?

So I come from a very talented family.
And one thing they don't want, and we

dropped out of high school. I don't even
know if we made it to high school. So

no matter what, I can't go back around
my fucking family using no fancy word

like cremation.

That shit is too big.

So I go home and I tell my sister.

I say, look, Maypop.

They gonna barbecue your husband on
Tuesday.

Because everybody like a good barbecue.

And we raised the money. We raised the
$1 ,400 to get my brother

-in -law barbecued.

Come Monday. day, y 'all, and I'm not
making this shit up. This is a true

fucking story.

Do you know my sister wanted to stop the
fucking barbecue?

She called me and said, my rabbit, I
don't want to do, I don't want to burn

husband up. And I'm like, why not?

I said, I know he happy as fuck he dead.
He finally out of this fucked up

relationship with you.

I'm like, why don't you want to burn
your husband up? She's like, I was

thinking, if I burn my fucking husband
up, what the hell am I going to do with

his ashes?

I said, bitch, don't you got a Ziploc
bag at the house?

That shit keep everything dry.

So I talked my sister into getting the
barbecue back on, right?

And they barbecued my brother -in -law.
My friend did. Yes, she did. In the

middle of the cremation, y 'all, and I'm
not making this shit up, she called me

very upset. She was like, Pat, I need to
talk to you. My friend, who run the

funeral home, I was like, what the fuck
wrong, girl? She said, girl, I had to

stop your brother -in -law cremation.
I'm like, why?

She said, because he had so much skin on
the bottom of his feet.

The more we burned him, it kept turning
into pork rinds.

fuck are you on for, sir? That's very
fucking funny.

Don't think about it. Just laugh. It's
funny.

If you feel it's hard for me, write me a
check. We can cry together.

Crack is a serious fucking thing.

It really is.

So I told my friend, I said, let him
cool off. My sister gonna come back up

there and send him back down in the
budget.

I know, it's funny to me.

My sister smoke crack. She's never going
to watch this show.

Before her husband passed away, my
sister, and this is why I tell

white people, especially y 'all, if you
got any family member that does fit and

all, and I know that's a problem in your
fucking community.

It's killing your nanny, your side
bitches, your kids, your uncles, your

grandmamas. Take your white relatives
off fentanyl and put them on crack.

Crack don't kill. They might suck a dick
for $4, but they will not die.

And I'm approved till your crack don't
kill.

It really don't. You never heard anybody
OD 'ing from crack. It does not kill.

And let me tell you why I know crack
don't kill. Because my fucking sister,

I'm talking about, sell that pussy and
smoke crack for 30 years. Do you know

that this bitch was hitting the pipe one
night? She was smoking the... I assume

that's how it sounds.

And in the middle of fucking hitting the
pipe, y 'all, she had a brain aneurysm.

And it popped. But thank God she was
smoking crack.

nigga not tonight and

it saved her fucking life they cut my
sister from ear to ear y 'all it

saved her life and do you know she had
her fucking stitches from one side of

head to the other after her husband died
she put on a little red wig back out

there on the corner selling pussy to my
back

dick and your whole head fall open like
a pocketbook bitch.

Get your people off Fentanyl and put
them on crack.

I'm telling you, you ain't got to worry
about Barry if they live forever.

I'm telling you because my cousin, you
know, my cousin Pumpkin came to me.

I told you it was going to be a fucking
bunch of nicknames.

My cousin Pumpkin came to me this year,
and she said, Pat, I'm going to get off

crack. And I said, don't do that,
Pumpkin.

I said, why would you want to get off
crack? She said, because I want to walk

with the Lord. I said, you already hold.
The Lord don't want to walk with you.

Do you know she got off crack, y 'all?
And honest to God, my cousin got off

crack. The next month, her sister called
me and told me she died.

I said, I told that bitch not to get off
crack.

crack was keeping her alive.

So I asked my cousin, that's her sister,
I said, well, do she have life

insurance? She said, no. I said, well,
my friend is running a Black Friday

She's picking niggas on Tuesday for $1
,400 and putting them in Ziploc bags.

So we take the bag.

me and my cousin, we take the body over
to my friend, you know, for the Black

Friday sale.

Well, it's six of them.

So that other sister and brother got mad
to my, y 'all ain't about to burn up

Pumpkin. And I'm like, why not? To my,
Pumpkin want to walk with the Lord. I'm

like, she was a hoe. He ain't walking
with her.

Go on, let's do this thing.

Do you know my family, they went and got
her body, y 'all, and took it to

another funeral home and had her
embalmed? And when they got the bill and

realized they ain't have no fucking
money, they went back up there and asked

them people to onion bomb pumpkin.

Now pumpkin just slow roasted.

Thank y 'all.

This is my wife right here. This is,
uh... We have led such different lives.

Oh, yes, the fuck we have.

Miss Pat called me when I was in trouble
for, uh... Racism?

Motherfucker, I always run into his
white fucking Jewish mouth.

I'm like, shut the...

getting in trouble. Hey, that
motherfucker racist.

I got to tell y 'all this story. I
didn't know who the fuck Ari Shaffir was

because I'm not a internet person. I'm
much older than him. And so I lived in

Plainfield, Indiana in an all -white
neighborhood that looked just like this

room. And I walk in on my son one day,
little big old little fat black boy in

this all -white neighborhood, and he got
like five of his little white friends

in there.

And they watching Ari pick up Mexicans
and take them to the fucking, take them

to immigration.

And I'm like, what the fuck are you
looking at?

This shit ain't funny. Who is that
stupid ass cracker?

A couple years later, I told my son, he
said, oh my God, I'm a fan. I said, no,

the fuck you're not.

When I met her kids, I walked into their
house. It really is a way nicer

neighborhood than I live in.

And when the Uber driver dropped me, he
was like, is this it? I'm like, I doubt

it. But maybe.

I really doubt it. If you say that's
something, you need to see me now, God

it. Oh, man, you're moving up. But I
went in there, and her kid was like, oh,

God. I said, I've been fanning yours for
a long time. Miss Pat just fucking hit

him.

She goes, go get me some Taco Bell.

Oh, how many white people ever went to
your house?

Huh? How many white comics ever went to
your house? How many white comics? Yeah.

It was just you and what's the one that
had the accident who died?

Bob Saget.

How you know?

You know, Bob Saget went to my house,
and I didn't think he was going to come.

did his podcast. He said, oh, I want to
come to your house. I was like, my

house? My black ass house? We black.

And he was like, yeah. So I wouldn't
tell my family Bob Saget because they

wasn't going to believe me anyway. So I
just tell my son, somebody famous coming

to the house. Cook.

And we, we thought, you know, black
folk, we throw the fuck down. We cook

fucking thing. And I just say, well, he
been in Hollywood all his life. He's

never going to eat this fucking pork and
beef and all of this fat shit.

Y 'all, when I tell you, Bob Saget ain't
like a nigga at my house.

To the point where I had to say, hold
on, nigga.

How many plates you going to eat in this
motherfucker?

know white people y 'all ain't got no
manners we invite you in y 'all scratch

your nuts and go straight and fix your
plate i'm gonna fix your plate bob

going to set the fuck down he ate like
three food it's so fucking good i said

damn you're starving you're too rich to
be eating like this bob says

miss pat everybody

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm excited to
bring on the next comedian. She's

absolutely hilarious, and she's led one
of the most interesting lives of any

comic you'll see up here.

Please, help me welcome to the stage,
Miss Jessica Reed, everybody!

Let her in!

I

once

carried a dead owl around for two weeks.

Oh, sorry. Hi.

All right, so this is about 20 years
ago.

There's a few things you need to know to
set this up.

Number one, this takes place several
years into a methamphetamine bender, as

do most stories about befriending dead
animals.

Number two, about one year into said
meth bender, I had a near -death

where I woke up in a blue ball of light,
which told me that reality is some sort

of immersive video game, and that within
my lifetime, things were going to get

crazy as we switched from one video game
to another video game.

And then I was introduced to some
aliens.

Is this pretty relatable so far?

This changed my life, obviously, and the
impression that I got from this

experience is that I must have been
chosen to assist humanity in this video

situation since I had my life so figured
out.

What if that is it, though? What if
aliens just do things completely

than we do? They exclusively hire people
on meth?

I had a purpose for the first time in my
life. So as soon as I woke up, I hit

the ground running to figure out what
that purpose is.

So the next night I went to the club
where everyone goes the day after they

dead.

And when they turned the lights on at
the end of the night, there was a

on the floor by my foot.

And on one side of the pendant was the
goddess Athena.

And on the other side was an owl.

And this pendant is how I figured out
that I was the god Osiris reincarnated.

Now, I do not have the time nor the meth
to connect those dots for you.

You will simply have to take my word for
it that henceforth, owls were

significant.

The last piece of context is that I was
not a criminal, at least not the kind

that makes money.

I think in order to get away with
committing crimes while high on drugs,

need to be able to pass as someone who
is not on drugs.

And unfortunately, my teeth to psychosis
ratio was

a barrier to entry for that.

My friends were all criminals.

I'm not sure why they liked me.

Clearly a liability.

I assume they enjoyed that I was
naturally very confusing for the police

with.

Without even trying.

Just being authentic.

I was often the first one the cops would
come in contact with after kicking open

the door. I'd be down on the floor
rifling through papers.

Doing research on my own supernatural
abilities.

Cross -referencing RH negative blood
type with the ability to smell music.

The music thing turned out to be autism.

Did not find that in my research.

I'd have like 15 pigtails in my hair, no
teeth, glitter where my eyebrows used

to be.

And the cops would be like, jackpot.

She's going to think like a bird.

You want to tell us what's going on
here?

And I was like, I would love to tell you
what's going on here.

So I was sent by the collective
consciousness.

To awaken a tribe of higher dimensional
beings who seeded themselves into the

human existence, which you're not going
to fucking believe this, is a video

game.

The cops are like, all right, you can
go.

It's too late, though. The info dump has
already been initiated. I'm on a roll.

I'm drawing pictures of 12 -strand DNA.

Cute little alien feet. I'm like, no,
you don't get it.

They don't have feet.

They paper off at the bottom, which
makes sense if you think about it, you

because they don't walk like this. They
glide.

I've successfully hypnotized the cops
into a psychedelic fever dream.

Affording my friends plenty of time to
flush drugs down the toilet.

Shred a little paper.

Could be handy to have around.

This, however, is a tale of a time that
someone should not have taken me with

them to commit a felony.

This is me and my roommate Tom.

By roommate, I mean guy who let me sleep
in his kitchen.

We're driving 10 pounds of weed up from
Mexico.

It's back before you could buy it at the
grocery store.

We stop at a rest stop in Northern
California, and Tom parks cartoonishly

away from the bathroom, I assume because
he's paranoid.

I go into the bathroom, nothing weird.

When I come out of the bathroom, there
is a king -size bed pillow on the curb

with an owl laying on top of it, same
size as the pillow.

Biggest owl you've ever seen.

So I reach down and touch it, like any
of you would, with

my bare hands, and it's, like, warm.

And I thought, oh, my God.

Is this still alive?

Oh.

Do owls, like, hibernate?

And that's what the pillow is for.

And then I realized, no, wait, oh, my.

This is definitely for me, so I scoop up
the owl.

I grab the pillow for good measure, and
I start the half -mile hike back to the

car.

I come walking up to the car with my new
best friend, who will obviously be

joining us.

Didn't even occur to me to ask
permission.

And Tom is like,

um, what is that?

And I said, oh, it's an owl.

I think it's dead, but it's really warm.
Do you know if owls hibernate?

And Tom's like, Yeah, we're not going to
bring a maybe alive owl into

the car with us, Jessa.

And I said, oh, no, we have to.

It's for me.

And he's like, right, right.

Well, here's the thing.

So the talons are the size of my hand,
and we have 10 pounds of weed in the

trunk.

And I was actually hoping not to get
arrested today after being mauled by a

in my own car.

To which I replied, It's fine, dude,
relax, I got

it. So I took the owl, I put it inside
the pillow, tied off the pillowcase, put

it in the back seat.

Little does Tom know, owl's talons
cannot penetrate linen.

I hop in the car.

He knows better than to fight me, so he
just succumbs to it, spends the next

three hours watching the owl in the
rearview mirror.

Our first stop is Eugene, Oregon, the
house of a 40 -year -old stoner dad,

like a dork that smokes weed.

I need you to understand for what's
about to happen, this man was basically

square who happened to get high.

You know, he's got like a wife and kids
and a day job. The house is in the

suburbs. He's fashioned himself a little
man cave in the garage. You know, he's

got a fantasy football team.

He's got a little weed habit. His wife
hates the weed habit, so he buys some

extra so he can sell his friends so she
can't bitch about the money. You get the

archetype? Many of you are the
archetype.

He did not like us.

People don't like tweakers. I don't know
if you knew that.

He was also upset because we were kind
of late.

It was like 1 o 'clock in the morning.

We were supposed to be there at 6.

So he's shuffling us through his house
so we don't wake up his kids, and we get

to the man cave, and he's got a
horseshoe of couches.

And he sits on the center couch, and Tom
and I sit across from each other.

And then weed dork pulls out a big old
goofy yellow midlife crisis

bong, loads it with a full bowl of weed,
and then smokes it all by himself,

which I'm sure he lived to regret once I
got started.

I then smoke a little bowl of meth.

Because we got a long road trip, and
energy drinks make my belly hurt.

And once I got a little bit high, I
remember that I have an owl.

And I go, Tom, where's the keys? I need
to find the owl.

And Tom's counting money, and he goes,
please don't go

get that owl right now, Jessa.

And I was like, um, I have to. What, am
I going to wait until Portland? That

doesn't make any sense.

Give me the keys, I need the owl.

And Tom goes, I swear to fucking God,
Joseph, you go get that goddamn owl

now.

And Weed Dork is just kind of ping
-ponging back and forth, listening to us

bicker. I assume trying to figure out
what owl is code for.

It's like something they smoke out of.

You know, this dude was definitely not
like, oh, I bet she found a dead owl at

rest stop.

And now she thinks she's going to
reanimate it with meth.

Because she's Osiris.

So I go out to the car. I get the owl.

I come back in. Weed dork has loaded a
second bowl.

I walk in carrying.

A pillowcase passed him, like a
briefcase, because I had business to

here.

It's got an owl talon coming out of the
top of it.

I walk over to the couch.

I take the owl out of the pillow, put
them both on top of the couch, take a

little hit of meth, and then I shotgun
meth smoke

into the owl's beak.

I don't know if any of you have ever
shotgun mess smoked into an owl's beak

before.

Right.

Well, in case you never get a chance to
try it, I'll give you the scoop.

It's crazy.

It's fucking nuts.

That's all connected.

I didn't know that. The faith is all
one.

The beak and the eye, it's all one
apparatus.

I don't know.

When I would blow the smoke into the
beak, the eyes would open and the smoke

would come out of the eyes.

It looked like if a Furby was vaping.

And then since the eyes opened, I
thought I had just, like, crushed this

first try, and I was like, oh, shit, got
it.

But then they kind of closed, so I went
in again, and then they opened, and I

was like, oh, yep, nope, nope, okay.

I was going back and forth between that
and kind of rifling under the feathers

looking for where to do chest
compressions.

Anyway, I gave this bird, like, a half
-teener.

They do drugs.

And it didn't work, but I was feeling
optimistic.

You know, I felt like, I don't know,
maybe it just needs to marinate.

Like, it's not over yet.

So I took it, and I did put it back in
the pillowcase just in case it was

extended release mess.

Would hate for Tom to get mauled.

And I pack it up, and I'm just sitting
there kind of waiting to go.

And I hear Tom in the hallway talking to
Weed Dork like,

Yeah, man, I mean, she didn't have the
owl when we left the house, you know.

Obviously, wouldn't have let her bring
it here.

I just, like, found it at a rest stop. I
thought, oh, she fucking stole it? I

don't know, she got something to fill it
with.

It's just every fucking day, you know.
She thinks she's Osiris because she

doesn't know what a fucking Greek yacht
is.

Anyway, man, I'm just, I'm sorry. It
won't happen again.

Tom running some solid customer
retention.

We get home and I weekend with Bernie's
this owl for the next 14 days.

It never, like, went bad.

You know, it never, like, decomposed or
whatever. I don't know if I just, like,

embalmed it with meth or what.

I had actually forgotten this story for,
like, a decade.

Which I think is sort of a testament to
how I'm just kind of like this.

This didn't stand out as one for the
book.

And it wasn't until about seven years
ago I did a somehow worse meth story on

Comedy Central and all my old friends
from back in the day came out of the

woodwork to exchange memories on my
Facebook page that one of them was like,

Jess, I remember that time you carried a
dead owl around for two weeks and gave

it all of our meth.

And I thought, oh yeah, that would be a
good story to tell.

You might find me a husband with that
one.

So I told my friend who was sitting
right with me in that moment.

And once I told it at that point in
hindsight, I was like, oh, it's actually

really embarrassing that I fell for what
happened next.

So one night I left Tom to babysit the
owl while I drove some friends around to

run errands. And by that I mean steal
lawn furniture.

We were not gone long.

And when I got back, Tom was like, oh my
God, you're never going to believe it.

An owl shaman came by.

Now, in my defense, this is 2004.

So this is before social media,
spirituality,

tech bros doing ayahuasca. This is a
decade before the white shaman epidemic

the 20 teens. You know, we didn't have
that word yet.

For him to even know that word, he had
to have like read it in one of my books

or something.

So he's like an owl shaman came by and
she needed the owl.

So I gave it to her and she left you
these owl incense.

And at the time I was so out of my mind,
I was like, oh, my God, what a

synchronicity.

Amazing. Obviously why I found the owl,
you know.

But upon recalling that story as someone
with, like, 14 years clean, I realized,

oh, Tom definitely chucked my owl in the
dumpster.

Jack and the Bean stalked me with some
gas station incense.

And then that was it. That was the last
time I saw my owl best friend.

I think of him often.

Now that I remember him.

And I think we can all agree that the
moral of the story here is that reality

subjective.

It's up to Reed, everybody.

All right,

guys, you guys ready for the part
comedian?

Please have a welcome to the stage. He's
one of my best friends here in New

York. He's half of the History of Hyenas
podcast.

You guys will absolutely love him. Mr.
Chris DeStefano, everybody!

Hello!

My story tonight, it's about my very
first day as a physical therapist.

This is a 100 % true story. This
happened the way I'm telling you.

It happened.

And a lot of people don't know that I
used to be a physical therapist. I

actually still technically am a licensed
physical therapist. My license lapsed.

I started doing comedy. Then I didn't do
therapy for 10 years. And then the

pandemic happened. And Governor Cuomo at
the time just gave everyone a health

care license who had it that lapsed. He
just gave it to us again.

So I just woke up one day and had an
email and said, you're back.

I was like, oh, okay, I haven't
practiced physical therapy in 10 years.

And they were like, get out there and
save these people on ventilators.

And I was like, all right, should I just
massage their elbows? I don't know what

to do. I forgot. I genuinely forgot.

I was just at the Des Moines Funny Bone.
What?

So I technically am a licensed physical
therapist, but this is.

Back, you know, when I first started
2010, okay, I become, you have to get a

doctorate degree to become a physical
therapist, which is the craziest. You're

not like a real doctor, but you have to
get the doctorate. I went to the New

York Institute of Technology.

It's like, dude, stop.

But my school is right next to an
Arby's.

Stop.

But I am a legitimate.

still didn't say licensed physical
therapist thank you Cuomo so so 2010

my very first day day number one my mom
you know big night the night before my

mom's so proud of me my son's a doctor
and she's a doctor and you know she's

gonna save people I'm like I'm legit a
physical therapist

But she irons my dockers, right? I had
my khakis on. I had my little polo shirt

I bought at the Queen Center Mall. Shout
out Woodhaven Boulevard.

Are you Queen? Right, yeah, we got some
trash in here.

Yes, we got some people who grew up near
bus stops. Yes, so you know, Woodhaven.

Shout out to Q55 right down Myrtle
Avenue.

And so I pumped, right?

And I was working at an outpatient
orthopedic clinic in Syosset, Long

the man who hired me.

Jim, Jimmy, right? That's the name. Now
he's a physical therapist, but I think

he got the license, you know, when you
didn't even really have to go to school.

Like they just, in the 70s, he was a
real, like a sciatica scumbag. Like this

guy, 1000%, you know, during the
pandemic was selling fake vaccine cards.

Like just a real, like one of those
guys, definite, you know, malpractice,

he was just Jimmy. And you know, this is
my first job. So I get there.

Day one, excited, an hour early, driving
my Saturn.

And so I show up and I walk in and he
goes, I was like, hey, how are you? You

know, ready to go. He goes, who are you?

And I was like, oh, I'm the guy, you
hired me.

Last week, he was like, you starting
today?

I was like, yeah, that's what you said
for me to start today. He goes, all

right, I got a job for you.

I was like, yeah, that's why I'm here.

My mom ironed my khakis.

I'm here, I'm a licensed physical
therapist.

I have a doctorate degree from New York
Institute of Technology in Old Westbury.

And he goes, yeah, he goes, the job's at
my house.

And I was like, oh, okay.

I thought maybe there was a patient at
his house. You never know with this guy,

maybe he hurt somebody and he wants me.

So I'm thinking, okay.

So I said, nobody, the patient isn't
here. He goes, no, he's at my house.

go to my house. Give you my address.

Just go there. You got to figure this
out for me. And I was like, oh, all

So maybe 830 in the morning.

So I drive to his house and his wife is
outside.

And she's like hysterical, like going
crazy, you know, big Long Island hair,

like, you know, like Karen from
Goodfellas, like just that kind of lady.

name was Janet, I assume.

And so it's one of those things.

She goes, are you the guy? Are you who
Jimmy said?

I was like, yes, yeah.

She goes, you got to come in the back.
You got to help me. And I was like, OK,

well, show me where to go. She was like,
what do you do?

And I was like, what do you mean, what
do I do? She's like, what do you do?

do you do for work? I was like, I'm a
licensed physical therapist.

What do you mean? She was like, well, my
husband's got all these different

companies, so I hope he sent the right
guy.

And I was like, OK.

So I go back into the yard, OK, and I
see.

They had a giant tortoise, like a
Galapagos Island tortoise,

and a dog, okay? And the dog, I guess,
was messing with the tortoise and went

go bite the turtle's head, and the
tortoise retracted its head and brought

dog's face with it into the shelf.

So this is 8 .45 a .m.

My first day as a licensed physical
therapist from the New York Institute of

Technology.

This is problem number one.

She said, my dog is dying.

The face is stuck in the shell.

She goes, you got to figure it out. You
got to do something.

So I'm thinking, did I ever learn
anything about this in school? Was

there ever a moment that I...

And so I don't know what, because that
dog's face is stuck in that shell. That

is in there. And I'm saying, I'm looking
around, and I'm saying, what do I do?

What do I do? And I see, I see there's a
stick on the floor. Like, you know,

we're in our backdrop. So I see a stick,
and I say, okay, let's figure this out,

Chris. So I can see a little bit of the
turtle's head.

So I say, maybe I'll poke the turtle in
the head, and then that would let the

dog go.

And let's try that. So I'm poking,
nothing.

nothing nobody's moving there's turtles
you know an ancient tortoise it's got

not gonna just from a stick for me it's
not gonna work dude and the dog is like

panting i'm like oh no so then i say you
know what i remember when i was my last

year of school they talked a lot about
vibration therapy and how that's calming

and soothing everyone's tense right now
maybe i just got to get a little

vibrations going

through the turtle, and then it'll come
down and release the dog. So I say,

turtles, you know, this thing is made
out of, so it's like bulletproof, this

thing, it's a turtle shell. So I start
banging on that shell to create what I

think is a good idea of vibration
through the atmosphere, through the

I'm like, this is yoga.

It's good.

Nothing's working.

Janet starts screaming at me. She's
like, you're going to kill my, you're

to kill it. You're going to, I said,
what animal do you want me to save?

I don't know what to do, lady.

So I start then really panicking, and I
start to walk around, like just do laps

around. That's what I used to do when I
was in school. When I couldn't find an

answer, I would just put my hands on my
head and just walk in circles. I'm

probably on the spectrum.

So I would just walk around like this,
asking for chicken nuggets.

And I'm doing these laps around this
problem, right?

And I'm really panicking. I'm like, this
is day one. It's not even 9 a .m. yet.

And I can't believe it. This is what. So
I look and I go around the back of

the issue.

And I see from this angle, because I was
standing in front of it the whole time

and to the side. But now I'm looking at
it from a different angle. And sometimes

you've got to do that in life. You've
got to see things from different ways.

And I said.

Looking at it, and the turtle's laying
down. It's got the dog's face in its

shell. And I notice just perfectly, ever
so perfectly, the turtle's laying down,

and its butthole is just right there.

So I'm looking at the stick.

I'm looking at the butt.

And I'm saying, you know, I know what
would get me to jump out of my shell.

So I say, Janet?

Turn around.

So, I lick the stick.

I slowly put this stick, I swear to God,
inside this

turtle's beautiful prehistoric butthole.

I get it in. I must get it in half an
inch, which is pretty deep for turtle

I get it in. Turtle's head, arms, legs
shoot out of the shell, releases the

The dog...

Starts running, you know, is finally
free, runs in a few circles, runs out of

the yard, across the street, gets hit by
a car.

Right away.

Drilled by a car immediately.

So now the dog is laying there with a
broken leg, and I'm saying, you know,

that, I actually do know what to do.

I'm trying to start to massage its
hamstrings.

I got the stick. I'm like, maybe I got
to calm this guy down too.

Janet comes running over. She says, get
away from my dog. Get away from my dog.

And I'm like, I'm so sorry. You know, I
know it's one problem to another. She's

like, just get the hell out of here. So
I get back in the car and I drive back

to work. It's nine o 'clock in the
morning.

I drive back to work and Jim's standing
there and he goes, What happened?

And I was like, well, what happened was,
is I got, I did get the turtle

to release your dog.

I said, but then your dog got hit by a
car because, you know, it just happened.

And he goes, so you killed my dog. I was
like, I don't know that I killed it.

It's alive right now. I'll tell you
that. It doesn't have broken legs.

I don't know. He goes, you're fired.

Fired. So it's 9 .05 in the morning.
Fired. My very first day at the job, I

it one hour.

Fired. So now I'm like, please, sir. I
tried this. He goes, you're fired. Get

out of my office.

So I leave, right? And I'm driving down
the Long Island Expressway.

And I'm saying, what am I going to do? I
mean, day one, literally, I made this.

I have four years in school, doctorate
degree. I'm fired on the first hour.

So I'm almost back home.

And I get a call from him.

And he goes, hey, come back.

Come back. I spoke to my wife.

She said, you tried real hard. She
thinks you're on the spectrum.

So I can't fire a kid like, it's no
good. You know, you'll be all right,

buddy. Just come back.

So I said, for real? He goes, come back.

So I go back, okay?

I go back.

I get there about 10, 15, 10, 30.

He goes, all right.

Now you're going to treat a real
patient.

I was like, thank God. This is when I
know what to do.

So this guy comes in, tall, good
-looking guy, suit, comes in, and he has

pain. Right. And, you know, we don't
know. Back pain can be from a million.

It's one of those things. Everybody has
it, but it has a million different

causes. And we learn, you know,
different tools as physical therapists.

to reproduce your pain to see where it's
coming from. And based off these

different tools that we have, I can tell
you, oh, it's from this injury from

that. We'll do this modality that.

So I can't reproduce.

this guy's pain i don't know where it's
coming from at all and i'm like a fresh

out of the box physical therapy student
so i'm i'm like a go -hard i'm like i

ain't l7 you know like i'm just like
looking at things like it could be your

lumbar spine maybe it's retract like i'm
just you know like a nerd and so jim

comes in he goes what's what's going on
i said i i can't figure out where this

guy's pain's coming from and he goes all
right so he says to the guy he goes oh

anything you want to tell us And he
goes, shut the door.

So he shuts the door. He goes, listen to
me. This is the patient. He goes,

listen to me.

He goes, everything's confidential in
here, right? Even though you guys are

physical therapists.

And he goes, yeah, everything's
confidential. It's the medical office.

I'm not a criminal.

And so he goes, all right. He goes,
listen.

He goes, could my back pain be coming
from my pelvis?

And we said, yeah, that's possible.

He goes, all right.

He goes, let me ask you guys a question.
Do you think this is an issue? Pulls

down his pants.

He had maybe every STD that's ever
existed. I mean, absolute Vietnam.

It was unreal.

I was like, scurvy?

I mean, he had them all.

So he goes, listen, this guy now, okay,
and now this is year, this is 2010.

He was one of, at the time, Donald
Trump's lawyers.

So this is years before the president.
He goes, listen, I'm one of Donald

Trump's lawyers. He goes, I pay
prostitutes extra money to have sex with

with no condom.

He goes, now, do you think that could be
causing my back? He goes, could an STD

cause my back pain? I said, 100%. I want
to say it's take your pick from

chlamydia, herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS,
whatever it is, it's in your back.

And he goes, well, listen, I got a high
-profile job, okay?

By the way, this is 1045 in the morning.

He goes, I got a high -profile job.

You know, people can't know about this.

And he says to me, he goes, how old are
you?

And I said, I'm 26.

And he goes, yeah. He goes, you got a
family or anything?

I was like, no.

He was like, and then he says to Jimmy,
he goes, hey, how about this? He goes,

how about I pay the kid whatever he
wants.

You get me the STD medicine, but you
send it in his name to his house, and

everything's through him, and then I'll
come to your house, and I'll pay you for

the STD meds.

And I said, well, you know, that's
medical fraud.

I just got my license yesterday.

I can't do that.

And then Jimmy goes, you're not going to
do it?

And I said, no.

It's the wrong, I shouldn't do that,
right? He goes, you're fired.

So I got fired twice in two hours.

On my very first day of my physical
therapy job, and I swear to God, I drove

home that day, and as I'm sitting in
bumper -to -bumper traffic on the LIE,

first of all, I went into the Olive
Garden. I felt so bad about myself. I

I'm going to disrespect my mother right
now and go into the Olive Garden and eat

unlimited breadsticks because that's the
last thing an Italian kid from

Woodhaven is ever supposed to do.

We're never allowed to do that.

And I said, I'm going to do it. And you
know what I did? I sat in that Olive

Garden and I Googled on my little BS
phone that I had. I said, what are some

other career paths outside physical
therapy? And for whatever reason, the

career path that popped up was stand -up
comedy.

And I've done that ever since. And that
was my very first day and my last day as

a therapist.

All right, guys. Thank you very much.

Dude, that's so fucking funny. Yep, day
one. I remember when I started here in

New York, they're like, if you have a
legit medical problem, ask Christy. Let

tell you something right now.

I started this in 2010, physical therapy
and then comedy.

Every comedian you've ever heard of
that's went on to sell at arenas now,

seen the inside of their penis.

Because nobody had health insurance back
then. And, you know, we all started the

same. And everybody, it was the same.
Hey, I heard you're a physical

Are you kind of like a doctor? Yeah, I
am.

I like that. He goes, more or less.
Yeah, and then you think, oh, it's a

it's an elbow. Same thing. Oh, I had sex
with this girl yesterday.

Is this a disease? And every time I
would say I'm not legally, medically

qualified to answer. that. I actually
cannot do that. But what I will tell you

is to go to the hospital because it
looks bad.

It looks like one of Trump's lawyers.

But, dude, when, you know, everyone
always says they write a book one day.

wrote a feed dicks, I'm going to write a
book on dicks that I've seen.

Dude, all we do as comedians is ask our
other comedian friends if there's any

level of expertise. Like, what do you
think?

Right. Yeah, and listen,

when you start in comedy, one of the
main things to do to begin is you hand

flyers or, you know, you bring four or
five people to get stage time. I would

get stage time by if somebody had a
show.

Hey, listen, how about I just give you
health care for a week and you give me

five minutes?

And it was literally me just, you know,
telling comedians like, look, it's not

it's not it's not AIDS.

It's not AIDS. It's going to it's like
strep throat for your dick. It is

chlamydia, but it's antibiotics.

That's all you got to do. Seven days.

All right.

I left a wallet there.