Original subtitles

Welcome to the end!

What's up, everybody?

You guys ready to start this show?

Oh,

I can't wait. We got a fucking great lineup here. How about you guys in the

balcony? There we go.

There we go. There we go.

The hat, nice.

Fucking amazing for me. I'm so glad to be doing this. You guys are going to

everybody here.

Let me bring up the first comedian.

One of the true legends of the show, and I'm lucky to have her here, and you

guys are lucky to see her. She's a true queen of comedy.

You know her from her great autobiography, Rabbit. Please help me

stage, Miss Pat, everybody!

All right, white people, let me get this shit started.

So, um, I, my family think I'm the saver of them now. I think they think I got

some money, and I do, just not enough for them.

Like, they calling me with dumb shit. My sister been on crack for over 30

-something years, y 'all.

Yes, ever since, you know, y 'all dropped it in the black community.

Don't tighten your asshole up now. We just got started.

I'm your DEI of the night.

Come on, white dude. You can laugh a little harder than that.

So my sister's a crackhead. She been smoking crack for over 30 years. And she

just called me out of the blue the other day. And she was like, Pat, I need to

talk to you. I'm like, what do you want, mate pop? Pay attention, white people.

It's going to be a bunch of nicknames.

I'm like, what do you want? She said, I don't know if you know this, but I'm

homeless. I say, tell me more.

She said, well, I need you to cash out me $30.

I'm like, you are a fucking fool.

I'm not giving no crackhead no money.

And I don't know if y 'all really know what a crackhead is, but it's like if

it's a meth head in your family.

You don't fucking know.

All the ones on fentanyl, you know the problems that y 'all having.

Crack is our problem.

So I'm like, what do you need $30 for? I want to get me some food. I said, well,

I'm not going to send you no money because I'm from the streets like you.

I know what you want to buy, some dope. I said, but I will send you some Uber

Eats. She said, well, how the fuck am I going to get some Uber Eats, Pat, when

I'm homeless?

That's a good question.

I said, well, go to Walmart. They take packages.

Take your ass to Walmart, and I will send you some Uber Eats. She was like,

it. I'll call you back when I get my own address.

An hour later, she called me back, and she said, well, I have an address.

Can you send me some food? I said, sure. What would you like? She said, well,

I'm feeling like a seafood boy.

No, the fuck you not. You smoke crack.

Bitch, you feeling like Popeye's with a pepper and a large soda.

Never going to sell my shit in the hood for half price.

And I know y 'all think I'm cruel, but I'm not. I love my sister, but she on

crack. And I've tried to get her on crack, but I don't know what's in crack

just keep a nigga on crack.

But I told her, I said, I know what you're fighting against, because I'm

fighting against the same shit with Chick -fil -A. So if they got the same

ingredients, we fucked up.

So I don't talk to her much. At the top of this year, she called me again. She

was like, I pick up the phone, and she called me by my nickname, Rabbit, and

just screaming in the phone, Rabbit!

I'm like, what the fuck you want, man? Pop, what's wrong with you?

She say, Papa just died.

Now, that was a husband of 25 years.

Even though my sister was a crackhead and sold pussy, she had a husband.

bitches out here losing.

I don't know how a crackhead can stay married and sell pussy at the same time,

but my brother -in -law respected my sister's side job.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank God for you.

I think I'm scaring these people right here.

So I asked her, I said, well, why are you calling me? She said, he done died.

I said, well, do we have life insurance?

She said, no. I said, well, hold on, because they think I got some money. I

said, don't y 'all come calling me to bury you niggas, because I ain't in.

Shut the fuck up. Loosen your asshole. I'm going to say the N -word.

I'm the only one that can say this shit tonight.

I'm not talking directly to you. I'm talking to everybody. I'm just looking

you. I got diabetes.

My equilibrium is stopping me at you.

I got to give y 'all a chance. She got so offended by that shit.

So, I asked her, I said, do we have life insurance?

She said, no, and I want to know if you can help me bury myself. I'm not in the

business of burying niggas. I'm sorry.

You niggas know you're going to die, so you need to get your die package

together.

Get your shit together, because if I start burying one of you motherfuckers,

got to bury all y 'all.

I said, so look, he ain't got no life insurance, right? She said, yes. I said,

okay. Thank God.

I got a friend that owns a funeral home.

So I go up and I call my friend. I say, look, my brother -in -law just died.

Is there any type of special you got going on?

This is the shit black people ask when they ain't got no life insurance.

Pay attention. You need this shit too.

So I said, is there any type of package you got for people who ain't got no life

insurance? She said, for you, Pat, we've been friends for over 25 years. I show

the fuck do. She said, for you, I will cremate your brother -in -law on a

Tuesday for $1 ,400.

Because every Tuesday is my Black Friday sale.

Now, let me explain something to y 'all.

I told my friend, I said, we will take that fucking Black Friday sales and two

large Coca -Colas.

Now I'm a little bit in Hollywood, so I don't do the same shit my family used to

do, you know.

I got a little money, so shit doesn't change for me. But no matter how much my

life change, y 'all, when I go back and deal with my family, I got to come back

as the same motherfucker I left. They don't want to hear this Hollywood shit.

They don't want that fancy shit. They want it just like when you left.

And let me explain something to y 'all. If you don't know my background, I come

from a very talented family.

My sister sold pussy. She smoked crack.

My brother imitated the police.

My other brother was a fat cat burglar.

My other brother liked to steal white people bikes at Georgia Tech.

And I myself was a professional check forger at a drug dealer. And I call

a professional check forger because I was forging checks when you had to write

in cursive.

Thank you, grown people.

Young people looking like, what the fuck is in person?

So I come from a very talented family. And one thing they don't want, and we

dropped out of high school. I don't even know if we made it to high school. So

no matter what, I can't go back around my fucking family using no fancy word

like cremation.

That shit is too big.

So I go home and I tell my sister.

I say, look, Maypop.

They gonna barbecue your husband on Tuesday.

Because everybody like a good barbecue.

And we raised the money. We raised the $1 ,400 to get my brother

-in -law barbecued.

Come Monday. day, y 'all, and I'm not making this shit up. This is a true

fucking story.

Do you know my sister wanted to stop the fucking barbecue?

She called me and said, my rabbit, I don't want to do, I don't want to burn

husband up. And I'm like, why not?

I said, I know he happy as fuck he dead. He finally out of this fucked up

relationship with you.

I'm like, why don't you want to burn your husband up? She's like, I was

thinking, if I burn my fucking husband up, what the hell am I going to do with

his ashes?

I said, bitch, don't you got a Ziploc bag at the house?

That shit keep everything dry.

So I talked my sister into getting the barbecue back on, right?

And they barbecued my brother -in -law. My friend did. Yes, she did. In the

middle of the cremation, y 'all, and I'm not making this shit up, she called me

very upset. She was like, Pat, I need to talk to you. My friend, who run the

funeral home, I was like, what the fuck wrong, girl? She said, girl, I had to

stop your brother -in -law cremation. I'm like, why?

She said, because he had so much skin on the bottom of his feet.

The more we burned him, it kept turning into pork rinds.

fuck are you on for, sir? That's very fucking funny.

Don't think about it. Just laugh. It's funny.

If you feel it's hard for me, write me a check. We can cry together.

Crack is a serious fucking thing.

It really is.

So I told my friend, I said, let him cool off. My sister gonna come back up

there and send him back down in the budget.

I know, it's funny to me.

My sister smoke crack. She's never going to watch this show.

Before her husband passed away, my sister, and this is why I tell

white people, especially y 'all, if you got any family member that does fit and

all, and I know that's a problem in your fucking community.

It's killing your nanny, your side bitches, your kids, your uncles, your

grandmamas. Take your white relatives off fentanyl and put them on crack.

Crack don't kill. They might suck a dick for $4, but they will not die.

And I'm approved till your crack don't kill.

It really don't. You never heard anybody OD 'ing from crack. It does not kill.

And let me tell you why I know crack don't kill. Because my fucking sister,

I'm talking about, sell that pussy and smoke crack for 30 years. Do you know

that this bitch was hitting the pipe one night? She was smoking the... I assume

that's how it sounds.

And in the middle of fucking hitting the pipe, y 'all, she had a brain aneurysm.

And it popped. But thank God she was smoking crack.

nigga not tonight and

it saved her fucking life they cut my sister from ear to ear y 'all it

saved her life and do you know she had her fucking stitches from one side of

head to the other after her husband died she put on a little red wig back out

there on the corner selling pussy to my back

dick and your whole head fall open like a pocketbook bitch.

Get your people off Fentanyl and put them on crack.

I'm telling you, you ain't got to worry about Barry if they live forever.

I'm telling you because my cousin, you know, my cousin Pumpkin came to me.

I told you it was going to be a fucking bunch of nicknames.

My cousin Pumpkin came to me this year, and she said, Pat, I'm going to get off

crack. And I said, don't do that, Pumpkin.

I said, why would you want to get off crack? She said, because I want to walk

with the Lord. I said, you already hold. The Lord don't want to walk with you.

Do you know she got off crack, y 'all? And honest to God, my cousin got off

crack. The next month, her sister called me and told me she died.

I said, I told that bitch not to get off crack.

crack was keeping her alive.

So I asked my cousin, that's her sister, I said, well, do she have life

insurance? She said, no. I said, well, my friend is running a Black Friday

She's picking niggas on Tuesday for $1 ,400 and putting them in Ziploc bags.

So we take the bag.

me and my cousin, we take the body over to my friend, you know, for the Black

Friday sale.

Well, it's six of them.

So that other sister and brother got mad to my, y 'all ain't about to burn up

Pumpkin. And I'm like, why not? To my, Pumpkin want to walk with the Lord. I'm

like, she was a hoe. He ain't walking with her.

Go on, let's do this thing.

Do you know my family, they went and got her body, y 'all, and took it to

another funeral home and had her embalmed? And when they got the bill and

realized they ain't have no fucking money, they went back up there and asked

them people to onion bomb pumpkin.

Now pumpkin just slow roasted.

Thank y 'all.

This is my wife right here. This is, uh... We have led such different lives.

Oh, yes, the fuck we have.

Miss Pat called me when I was in trouble for, uh... Racism?

Motherfucker, I always run into his white fucking Jewish mouth.

I'm like, shut the...

getting in trouble. Hey, that motherfucker racist.

I got to tell y 'all this story. I didn't know who the fuck Ari Shaffir was

because I'm not a internet person. I'm much older than him. And so I lived in

Plainfield, Indiana in an all -white neighborhood that looked just like this

room. And I walk in on my son one day, little big old little fat black boy in

this all -white neighborhood, and he got like five of his little white friends

in there.

And they watching Ari pick up Mexicans and take them to the fucking, take them

to immigration.

And I'm like, what the fuck are you looking at?

This shit ain't funny. Who is that stupid ass cracker?

A couple years later, I told my son, he said, oh my God, I'm a fan. I said, no,

the fuck you're not.

When I met her kids, I walked into their house. It really is a way nicer

neighborhood than I live in.

And when the Uber driver dropped me, he was like, is this it? I'm like, I doubt

it. But maybe.

I really doubt it. If you say that's something, you need to see me now, God

it. Oh, man, you're moving up. But I went in there, and her kid was like, oh,

God. I said, I've been fanning yours for a long time. Miss Pat just fucking hit

him.

She goes, go get me some Taco Bell.

Oh, how many white people ever went to your house?

Huh? How many white comics ever went to your house? How many white comics? Yeah.

It was just you and what's the one that had the accident who died?

Bob Saget.

How you know?

You know, Bob Saget went to my house, and I didn't think he was going to come.

did his podcast. He said, oh, I want to come to your house. I was like, my

house? My black ass house? We black.

And he was like, yeah. So I wouldn't tell my family Bob Saget because they

wasn't going to believe me anyway. So I just tell my son, somebody famous coming

to the house. Cook.

And we, we thought, you know, black folk, we throw the fuck down. We cook

fucking thing. And I just say, well, he been in Hollywood all his life. He's

never going to eat this fucking pork and beef and all of this fat shit.

Y 'all, when I tell you, Bob Saget ain't like a nigga at my house.

To the point where I had to say, hold on, nigga.

How many plates you going to eat in this motherfucker?

know white people y 'all ain't got no manners we invite you in y 'all scratch

your nuts and go straight and fix your plate i'm gonna fix your plate bob

going to set the fuck down he ate like three food it's so fucking good i said

damn you're starving you're too rich to be eating like this bob says

miss pat everybody

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm excited to bring on the next comedian. She's

absolutely hilarious, and she's led one of the most interesting lives of any

comic you'll see up here.

Please, help me welcome to the stage, Miss Jessica Reed, everybody!

Let her in!

I

once

carried a dead owl around for two weeks.

Oh, sorry. Hi.

All right, so this is about 20 years ago.

There's a few things you need to know to set this up.

Number one, this takes place several years into a methamphetamine bender, as

do most stories about befriending dead animals.

Number two, about one year into said meth bender, I had a near -death

where I woke up in a blue ball of light, which told me that reality is some sort

of immersive video game, and that within my lifetime, things were going to get

crazy as we switched from one video game to another video game.

And then I was introduced to some aliens.

Is this pretty relatable so far?

This changed my life, obviously, and the impression that I got from this

experience is that I must have been chosen to assist humanity in this video

situation since I had my life so figured out.

What if that is it, though? What if aliens just do things completely

than we do? They exclusively hire people on meth?

I had a purpose for the first time in my life. So as soon as I woke up, I hit

the ground running to figure out what that purpose is.

So the next night I went to the club where everyone goes the day after they

dead.

And when they turned the lights on at the end of the night, there was a

on the floor by my foot.

And on one side of the pendant was the goddess Athena.

And on the other side was an owl.

And this pendant is how I figured out that I was the god Osiris reincarnated.

Now, I do not have the time nor the meth to connect those dots for you.

You will simply have to take my word for it that henceforth, owls were

significant.

The last piece of context is that I was not a criminal, at least not the kind

that makes money.

I think in order to get away with committing crimes while high on drugs,

need to be able to pass as someone who is not on drugs.

And unfortunately, my teeth to psychosis ratio was

a barrier to entry for that.

My friends were all criminals.

I'm not sure why they liked me.

Clearly a liability.

I assume they enjoyed that I was naturally very confusing for the police

with.

Without even trying.

Just being authentic.

I was often the first one the cops would come in contact with after kicking open

the door. I'd be down on the floor rifling through papers.

Doing research on my own supernatural abilities.

Cross -referencing RH negative blood type with the ability to smell music.

The music thing turned out to be autism.

Did not find that in my research.

I'd have like 15 pigtails in my hair, no teeth, glitter where my eyebrows used

to be.

And the cops would be like, jackpot.

She's going to think like a bird.

You want to tell us what's going on here?

And I was like, I would love to tell you what's going on here.

So I was sent by the collective consciousness.

To awaken a tribe of higher dimensional beings who seeded themselves into the

human existence, which you're not going to fucking believe this, is a video

game.

The cops are like, all right, you can go.

It's too late, though. The info dump has already been initiated. I'm on a roll.

I'm drawing pictures of 12 -strand DNA.

Cute little alien feet. I'm like, no, you don't get it.

They don't have feet.

They paper off at the bottom, which makes sense if you think about it, you

because they don't walk like this. They glide.

I've successfully hypnotized the cops into a psychedelic fever dream.

Affording my friends plenty of time to flush drugs down the toilet.

Shred a little paper.

Could be handy to have around.

This, however, is a tale of a time that someone should not have taken me with

them to commit a felony.

This is me and my roommate Tom.

By roommate, I mean guy who let me sleep in his kitchen.

We're driving 10 pounds of weed up from Mexico.

It's back before you could buy it at the grocery store.

We stop at a rest stop in Northern California, and Tom parks cartoonishly

away from the bathroom, I assume because he's paranoid.

I go into the bathroom, nothing weird.

When I come out of the bathroom, there is a king -size bed pillow on the curb

with an owl laying on top of it, same size as the pillow.

Biggest owl you've ever seen.

So I reach down and touch it, like any of you would, with

my bare hands, and it's, like, warm.

And I thought, oh, my God.

Is this still alive?

Oh.

Do owls, like, hibernate?

And that's what the pillow is for.

And then I realized, no, wait, oh, my.

This is definitely for me, so I scoop up the owl.

I grab the pillow for good measure, and I start the half -mile hike back to the

car.

I come walking up to the car with my new best friend, who will obviously be

joining us.

Didn't even occur to me to ask permission.

And Tom is like,

um, what is that?

And I said, oh, it's an owl.

I think it's dead, but it's really warm. Do you know if owls hibernate?

And Tom's like, Yeah, we're not going to bring a maybe alive owl into

the car with us, Jessa.

And I said, oh, no, we have to.

It's for me.

And he's like, right, right.

Well, here's the thing.

So the talons are the size of my hand, and we have 10 pounds of weed in the

trunk.

And I was actually hoping not to get arrested today after being mauled by a

in my own car.

To which I replied, It's fine, dude, relax, I got

it. So I took the owl, I put it inside the pillow, tied off the pillowcase, put

it in the back seat.

Little does Tom know, owl's talons cannot penetrate linen.

I hop in the car.

He knows better than to fight me, so he just succumbs to it, spends the next

three hours watching the owl in the rearview mirror.

Our first stop is Eugene, Oregon, the house of a 40 -year -old stoner dad,

like a dork that smokes weed.

I need you to understand for what's about to happen, this man was basically

square who happened to get high.

You know, he's got like a wife and kids and a day job. The house is in the

suburbs. He's fashioned himself a little man cave in the garage. You know, he's

got a fantasy football team.

He's got a little weed habit. His wife hates the weed habit, so he buys some

extra so he can sell his friends so she can't bitch about the money. You get the

archetype? Many of you are the archetype.

He did not like us.

People don't like tweakers. I don't know if you knew that.

He was also upset because we were kind of late.

It was like 1 o 'clock in the morning.

We were supposed to be there at 6.

So he's shuffling us through his house so we don't wake up his kids, and we get

to the man cave, and he's got a horseshoe of couches.

And he sits on the center couch, and Tom and I sit across from each other.

And then weed dork pulls out a big old goofy yellow midlife crisis

bong, loads it with a full bowl of weed, and then smokes it all by himself,

which I'm sure he lived to regret once I got started.

I then smoke a little bowl of meth.

Because we got a long road trip, and energy drinks make my belly hurt.

And once I got a little bit high, I remember that I have an owl.

And I go, Tom, where's the keys? I need to find the owl.

And Tom's counting money, and he goes, please don't go

get that owl right now, Jessa.

And I was like, um, I have to. What, am I going to wait until Portland? That

doesn't make any sense.

Give me the keys, I need the owl.

And Tom goes, I swear to fucking God, Joseph, you go get that goddamn owl

now.

And Weed Dork is just kind of ping -ponging back and forth, listening to us

bicker. I assume trying to figure out what owl is code for.

It's like something they smoke out of.

You know, this dude was definitely not like, oh, I bet she found a dead owl at

rest stop.

And now she thinks she's going to reanimate it with meth.

Because she's Osiris.

So I go out to the car. I get the owl.

I come back in. Weed dork has loaded a second bowl.

I walk in carrying.

A pillowcase passed him, like a briefcase, because I had business to

here.

It's got an owl talon coming out of the top of it.

I walk over to the couch.

I take the owl out of the pillow, put them both on top of the couch, take a

little hit of meth, and then I shotgun meth smoke

into the owl's beak.

I don't know if any of you have ever shotgun mess smoked into an owl's beak

before.

Right.

Well, in case you never get a chance to try it, I'll give you the scoop.

It's crazy.

It's fucking nuts.

That's all connected.

I didn't know that. The faith is all one.

The beak and the eye, it's all one apparatus.

I don't know.

When I would blow the smoke into the beak, the eyes would open and the smoke

would come out of the eyes.

It looked like if a Furby was vaping.

And then since the eyes opened, I thought I had just, like, crushed this

first try, and I was like, oh, shit, got it.

But then they kind of closed, so I went in again, and then they opened, and I

was like, oh, yep, nope, nope, okay.

I was going back and forth between that and kind of rifling under the feathers

looking for where to do chest compressions.

Anyway, I gave this bird, like, a half -teener.

They do drugs.

And it didn't work, but I was feeling optimistic.

You know, I felt like, I don't know, maybe it just needs to marinate.

Like, it's not over yet.

So I took it, and I did put it back in the pillowcase just in case it was

extended release mess.

Would hate for Tom to get mauled.

And I pack it up, and I'm just sitting there kind of waiting to go.

And I hear Tom in the hallway talking to Weed Dork like,

Yeah, man, I mean, she didn't have the owl when we left the house, you know.

Obviously, wouldn't have let her bring it here.

I just, like, found it at a rest stop. I thought, oh, she fucking stole it? I

don't know, she got something to fill it with.

It's just every fucking day, you know. She thinks she's Osiris because she

doesn't know what a fucking Greek yacht is.

Anyway, man, I'm just, I'm sorry. It won't happen again.

Tom running some solid customer retention.

We get home and I weekend with Bernie's this owl for the next 14 days.

It never, like, went bad.

You know, it never, like, decomposed or whatever. I don't know if I just, like,

embalmed it with meth or what.

I had actually forgotten this story for, like, a decade.

Which I think is sort of a testament to how I'm just kind of like this.

This didn't stand out as one for the book.

And it wasn't until about seven years ago I did a somehow worse meth story on

Comedy Central and all my old friends from back in the day came out of the

woodwork to exchange memories on my Facebook page that one of them was like,

Jess, I remember that time you carried a dead owl around for two weeks and gave

it all of our meth.

And I thought, oh yeah, that would be a good story to tell.

You might find me a husband with that one.

So I told my friend who was sitting right with me in that moment.

And once I told it at that point in hindsight, I was like, oh, it's actually

really embarrassing that I fell for what happened next.

So one night I left Tom to babysit the owl while I drove some friends around to

run errands. And by that I mean steal lawn furniture.

We were not gone long.

And when I got back, Tom was like, oh my God, you're never going to believe it.

An owl shaman came by.

Now, in my defense, this is 2004.

So this is before social media, spirituality,

tech bros doing ayahuasca. This is a decade before the white shaman epidemic

the 20 teens. You know, we didn't have that word yet.

For him to even know that word, he had to have like read it in one of my books

or something.

So he's like an owl shaman came by and she needed the owl.

So I gave it to her and she left you these owl incense.

And at the time I was so out of my mind, I was like, oh, my God, what a

synchronicity.

Amazing. Obviously why I found the owl, you know.

But upon recalling that story as someone with, like, 14 years clean, I realized,

oh, Tom definitely chucked my owl in the dumpster.

Jack and the Bean stalked me with some gas station incense.

And then that was it. That was the last time I saw my owl best friend.

I think of him often.

Now that I remember him.

And I think we can all agree that the moral of the story here is that reality

subjective.

It's up to Reed, everybody.

All right,

guys, you guys ready for the part comedian?

Please have a welcome to the stage. He's one of my best friends here in New

York. He's half of the History of Hyenas podcast.

You guys will absolutely love him. Mr. Chris DeStefano, everybody!

Hello!

My story tonight, it's about my very first day as a physical therapist.

This is a 100 % true story. This happened the way I'm telling you.

It happened.

And a lot of people don't know that I used to be a physical therapist. I

actually still technically am a licensed physical therapist. My license lapsed.

I started doing comedy. Then I didn't do therapy for 10 years. And then the

pandemic happened. And Governor Cuomo at the time just gave everyone a health

care license who had it that lapsed. He just gave it to us again.

So I just woke up one day and had an email and said, you're back.

I was like, oh, okay, I haven't practiced physical therapy in 10 years.

And they were like, get out there and save these people on ventilators.

And I was like, all right, should I just massage their elbows? I don't know what

to do. I forgot. I genuinely forgot.

I was just at the Des Moines Funny Bone. What?

So I technically am a licensed physical therapist, but this is.

Back, you know, when I first started 2010, okay, I become, you have to get a

doctorate degree to become a physical therapist, which is the craziest. You're

not like a real doctor, but you have to get the doctorate. I went to the New

York Institute of Technology.

It's like, dude, stop.

But my school is right next to an Arby's.

Stop.

But I am a legitimate.

still didn't say licensed physical therapist thank you Cuomo so so 2010

my very first day day number one my mom you know big night the night before my

mom's so proud of me my son's a doctor and she's a doctor and you know she's

gonna save people I'm like I'm legit a physical therapist

But she irons my dockers, right? I had my khakis on. I had my little polo shirt

I bought at the Queen Center Mall. Shout out Woodhaven Boulevard.

Are you Queen? Right, yeah, we got some trash in here.

Yes, we got some people who grew up near bus stops. Yes, so you know, Woodhaven.

Shout out to Q55 right down Myrtle Avenue.

And so I pumped, right?

And I was working at an outpatient orthopedic clinic in Syosset, Long

the man who hired me.

Jim, Jimmy, right? That's the name. Now he's a physical therapist, but I think

he got the license, you know, when you didn't even really have to go to school.

Like they just, in the 70s, he was a real, like a sciatica scumbag. Like this

guy, 1000%, you know, during the pandemic was selling fake vaccine cards.

Like just a real, like one of those guys, definite, you know, malpractice,

he was just Jimmy. And you know, this is my first job. So I get there.

Day one, excited, an hour early, driving my Saturn.

And so I show up and I walk in and he goes, I was like, hey, how are you? You

know, ready to go. He goes, who are you?

And I was like, oh, I'm the guy, you hired me.

Last week, he was like, you starting today?

I was like, yeah, that's what you said for me to start today. He goes, all

right, I got a job for you.

I was like, yeah, that's why I'm here.

My mom ironed my khakis.

I'm here, I'm a licensed physical therapist.

I have a doctorate degree from New York Institute of Technology in Old Westbury.

And he goes, yeah, he goes, the job's at my house.

And I was like, oh, okay.

I thought maybe there was a patient at his house. You never know with this guy,

maybe he hurt somebody and he wants me.

So I'm thinking, okay.

So I said, nobody, the patient isn't here. He goes, no, he's at my house.

go to my house. Give you my address.

Just go there. You got to figure this out for me. And I was like, oh, all

So maybe 830 in the morning.

So I drive to his house and his wife is outside.

And she's like hysterical, like going crazy, you know, big Long Island hair,

like, you know, like Karen from Goodfellas, like just that kind of lady.

name was Janet, I assume.

And so it's one of those things.

She goes, are you the guy? Are you who Jimmy said?

I was like, yes, yeah.

She goes, you got to come in the back. You got to help me. And I was like, OK,

well, show me where to go. She was like, what do you do?

And I was like, what do you mean, what do I do? She's like, what do you do?

do you do for work? I was like, I'm a licensed physical therapist.

What do you mean? She was like, well, my husband's got all these different

companies, so I hope he sent the right guy.

And I was like, OK.

So I go back into the yard, OK, and I see.

They had a giant tortoise, like a Galapagos Island tortoise,

and a dog, okay? And the dog, I guess, was messing with the tortoise and went

go bite the turtle's head, and the tortoise retracted its head and brought

dog's face with it into the shelf.

So this is 8 .45 a .m.

My first day as a licensed physical therapist from the New York Institute of

Technology.

This is problem number one.

She said, my dog is dying.

The face is stuck in the shell.

She goes, you got to figure it out. You got to do something.

So I'm thinking, did I ever learn anything about this in school? Was

there ever a moment that I...

And so I don't know what, because that dog's face is stuck in that shell. That

is in there. And I'm saying, I'm looking around, and I'm saying, what do I do?

What do I do? And I see, I see there's a stick on the floor. Like, you know,

we're in our backdrop. So I see a stick, and I say, okay, let's figure this out,

Chris. So I can see a little bit of the turtle's head.

So I say, maybe I'll poke the turtle in the head, and then that would let the

dog go.

And let's try that. So I'm poking, nothing.

nothing nobody's moving there's turtles you know an ancient tortoise it's got

not gonna just from a stick for me it's not gonna work dude and the dog is like

panting i'm like oh no so then i say you know what i remember when i was my last

year of school they talked a lot about vibration therapy and how that's calming

and soothing everyone's tense right now maybe i just got to get a little

vibrations going

through the turtle, and then it'll come down and release the dog. So I say,

turtles, you know, this thing is made out of, so it's like bulletproof, this

thing, it's a turtle shell. So I start banging on that shell to create what I

think is a good idea of vibration through the atmosphere, through the

I'm like, this is yoga.

It's good.

Nothing's working.

Janet starts screaming at me. She's like, you're going to kill my, you're

to kill it. You're going to, I said, what animal do you want me to save?

I don't know what to do, lady.

So I start then really panicking, and I start to walk around, like just do laps

around. That's what I used to do when I was in school. When I couldn't find an

answer, I would just put my hands on my head and just walk in circles. I'm

probably on the spectrum.

So I would just walk around like this, asking for chicken nuggets.

And I'm doing these laps around this problem, right?

And I'm really panicking. I'm like, this is day one. It's not even 9 a .m. yet.

And I can't believe it. This is what. So I look and I go around the back of

the issue.

And I see from this angle, because I was standing in front of it the whole time

and to the side. But now I'm looking at it from a different angle. And sometimes

you've got to do that in life. You've got to see things from different ways.

And I said.

Looking at it, and the turtle's laying down. It's got the dog's face in its

shell. And I notice just perfectly, ever so perfectly, the turtle's laying down,

and its butthole is just right there.

So I'm looking at the stick.

I'm looking at the butt.

And I'm saying, you know, I know what would get me to jump out of my shell.

So I say, Janet?

Turn around.

So, I lick the stick.

I slowly put this stick, I swear to God, inside this

turtle's beautiful prehistoric butthole.

I get it in. I must get it in half an inch, which is pretty deep for turtle

I get it in. Turtle's head, arms, legs shoot out of the shell, releases the

The dog...

Starts running, you know, is finally free, runs in a few circles, runs out of

the yard, across the street, gets hit by a car.

Right away.

Drilled by a car immediately.

So now the dog is laying there with a broken leg, and I'm saying, you know,

that, I actually do know what to do.

I'm trying to start to massage its hamstrings.

I got the stick. I'm like, maybe I got to calm this guy down too.

Janet comes running over. She says, get away from my dog. Get away from my dog.

And I'm like, I'm so sorry. You know, I know it's one problem to another. She's

like, just get the hell out of here. So I get back in the car and I drive back

to work. It's nine o 'clock in the morning.

I drive back to work and Jim's standing there and he goes, What happened?

And I was like, well, what happened was, is I got, I did get the turtle

to release your dog.

I said, but then your dog got hit by a car because, you know, it just happened.

And he goes, so you killed my dog. I was like, I don't know that I killed it.

It's alive right now. I'll tell you that. It doesn't have broken legs.

I don't know. He goes, you're fired.

Fired. So it's 9 .05 in the morning. Fired. My very first day at the job, I

it one hour.

Fired. So now I'm like, please, sir. I tried this. He goes, you're fired. Get

out of my office.

So I leave, right? And I'm driving down the Long Island Expressway.

And I'm saying, what am I going to do? I mean, day one, literally, I made this.

I have four years in school, doctorate degree. I'm fired on the first hour.

So I'm almost back home.

And I get a call from him.

And he goes, hey, come back.

Come back. I spoke to my wife.

She said, you tried real hard. She thinks you're on the spectrum.

So I can't fire a kid like, it's no good. You know, you'll be all right,

buddy. Just come back.

So I said, for real? He goes, come back.

So I go back, okay?

I go back.

I get there about 10, 15, 10, 30.

He goes, all right.

Now you're going to treat a real patient.

I was like, thank God. This is when I know what to do.

So this guy comes in, tall, good -looking guy, suit, comes in, and he has

pain. Right. And, you know, we don't know. Back pain can be from a million.

It's one of those things. Everybody has it, but it has a million different

causes. And we learn, you know, different tools as physical therapists.

to reproduce your pain to see where it's coming from. And based off these

different tools that we have, I can tell you, oh, it's from this injury from

that. We'll do this modality that.

So I can't reproduce.

this guy's pain i don't know where it's coming from at all and i'm like a fresh

out of the box physical therapy student so i'm i'm like a go -hard i'm like i

ain't l7 you know like i'm just like looking at things like it could be your

lumbar spine maybe it's retract like i'm just you know like a nerd and so jim

comes in he goes what's what's going on i said i i can't figure out where this

guy's pain's coming from and he goes all right so he says to the guy he goes oh

anything you want to tell us And he goes, shut the door.

So he shuts the door. He goes, listen to me. This is the patient. He goes,

listen to me.

He goes, everything's confidential in here, right? Even though you guys are

physical therapists.

And he goes, yeah, everything's confidential. It's the medical office.

I'm not a criminal.

And so he goes, all right. He goes, listen.

He goes, could my back pain be coming from my pelvis?

And we said, yeah, that's possible.

He goes, all right.

He goes, let me ask you guys a question. Do you think this is an issue? Pulls

down his pants.

He had maybe every STD that's ever existed. I mean, absolute Vietnam.

It was unreal.

I was like, scurvy?

I mean, he had them all.

So he goes, listen, this guy now, okay, and now this is year, this is 2010.

He was one of, at the time, Donald Trump's lawyers.

So this is years before the president. He goes, listen, I'm one of Donald

Trump's lawyers. He goes, I pay prostitutes extra money to have sex with

with no condom.

He goes, now, do you think that could be causing my back? He goes, could an STD

cause my back pain? I said, 100%. I want to say it's take your pick from

chlamydia, herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, whatever it is, it's in your back.

And he goes, well, listen, I got a high -profile job, okay?

By the way, this is 1045 in the morning.

He goes, I got a high -profile job.

You know, people can't know about this.

And he says to me, he goes, how old are you?

And I said, I'm 26.

And he goes, yeah. He goes, you got a family or anything?

I was like, no.

He was like, and then he says to Jimmy, he goes, hey, how about this? He goes,

how about I pay the kid whatever he wants.

You get me the STD medicine, but you send it in his name to his house, and

everything's through him, and then I'll come to your house, and I'll pay you for

the STD meds.

And I said, well, you know, that's medical fraud.

I just got my license yesterday.

I can't do that.

And then Jimmy goes, you're not going to do it?

And I said, no.

It's the wrong, I shouldn't do that, right? He goes, you're fired.

So I got fired twice in two hours.

On my very first day of my physical therapy job, and I swear to God, I drove

home that day, and as I'm sitting in bumper -to -bumper traffic on the LIE,

first of all, I went into the Olive Garden. I felt so bad about myself. I

I'm going to disrespect my mother right now and go into the Olive Garden and eat

unlimited breadsticks because that's the last thing an Italian kid from

Woodhaven is ever supposed to do.

We're never allowed to do that.

And I said, I'm going to do it. And you know what I did? I sat in that Olive

Garden and I Googled on my little BS phone that I had. I said, what are some

other career paths outside physical therapy? And for whatever reason, the

career path that popped up was stand -up comedy.

And I've done that ever since. And that was my very first day and my last day as

a therapist.

All right, guys. Thank you very much.

Dude, that's so fucking funny. Yep, day one. I remember when I started here in

New York, they're like, if you have a legit medical problem, ask Christy. Let

tell you something right now.

I started this in 2010, physical therapy and then comedy.

Every comedian you've ever heard of that's went on to sell at arenas now,

seen the inside of their penis.

Because nobody had health insurance back then. And, you know, we all started the

same. And everybody, it was the same. Hey, I heard you're a physical

Are you kind of like a doctor? Yeah, I am.

I like that. He goes, more or less. Yeah, and then you think, oh, it's a

it's an elbow. Same thing. Oh, I had sex with this girl yesterday.

Is this a disease? And every time I would say I'm not legally, medically

qualified to answer. that. I actually cannot do that. But what I will tell you

is to go to the hospital because it looks bad.

It looks like one of Trump's lawyers.

But, dude, when, you know, everyone always says they write a book one day.

wrote a feed dicks, I'm going to write a book on dicks that I've seen.

Dude, all we do as comedians is ask our other comedian friends if there's any

level of expertise. Like, what do you think?

Right. Yeah, and listen,

when you start in comedy, one of the main things to do to begin is you hand

flyers or, you know, you bring four or five people to get stage time. I would

get stage time by if somebody had a show.

Hey, listen, how about I just give you health care for a week and you give me

five minutes?

And it was literally me just, you know, telling comedians like, look, it's not

it's not it's not AIDS.

It's not AIDS. It's going to it's like strep throat for your dick. It is

chlamydia, but it's antibiotics.

That's all you got to do. Seven days.

All right.

I left a wallet there.