Original subtitles

Willie, big news.

The Alphers won a contest.

Yeah? Well, let's see.

You want a copy of Cat Lovers Monthly?

Kind of a letdown.

No recipes.

How did you win this?

Well, I entered that publisher's sweepstakes thing.

I licked all those magazine stamps and stuck them on my entry.

You sent in all the stamps?

Well, all except Red Book.

It's still stuck to the roof of my mouth.

Just how many magazines did you win?

Check the front porch.

Oh,

you didn't win any sweepstakes?

You've subscribed to hundreds of magazines.

Well, that explains this personal thank you note from Ed McMahon.

Well, here's your cappuccino.

Where's the grated cheese?

I'll get it.

Willie, Kate, I have something to tell you.

This time the old alfers really won something.

What now?

Eleven records for a penny?

No. This time the alfers won stuff for everybody.

Pony rides for Brian.

Tennis lessons for Lynn.

Dinner and dancing for you two?

And best of all, for the old Alfer, a toaster.

I guess you didn't hear me.

A toaster!

We heard you.

Did I mention that? The toaster talks.

Oh, Alf, this is a real estate promotion. A free toaster for listening

sales pitch about the vacation home.

There may be a pony ride, but there's also a seven -hour car ride to get to

place. I'm not driving seven hours.

Sorry, Alf.

Alfer.

Alfer.

They lied to a child?

Hi, neighbor.

Oh, hi.

Got you a present.

Thanks. Won't you come in?

I noticed your garbage cans have been flowing over.

Oh, yeah, we've been throwing out a lot of magazines lately.

Yeah. These insert things are all over your porch and lawn.

I kept the perfume samples.

Wife's birthday's next week.

She'll be touched.

As am I.

Hey!

You got a letter from Rancho Estates, too.

Oh, yeah, the toaster people.

Yeah, yeah.

Raquel and me, we go to these things all the time.

Hey, you want to go together? Together?

No, no, we're not interested.

What, because of me?

No, no, I didn't mean that.

We'd love to spend a weekend with you folk, but we're not interested in a

-hour drive.

Oh, you can fly there in one hour. Yeah, sure, but who could afford it?

I'll fly you there for nothing.

My friend lets me borrow his... plane on weekends.

You're a pilot?

Yeah, I flew in Korea.

Over in China, I took some commie flack in my ribs.

You want to see the star?

Oh, how you doing, Kate?

Trevor.

Then it's settled.

See you Friday night after work at the airport.

What's settled? What airport?

Oh, thanks again for the garbage can, Trevor.

What garbage can?

This garbage can.

And Trevor wants to fly a tarantula safe.

Way to go, Mr.

O!

We don't have to see Mr. Akhmanek in a bathing suit, do we?

No, because we're not going.

Why?

It'll be fun.

What, a weekend with Yakhmanek?

Well, you know, it's not as if we have to share the same bathroom, do we? No.

Let's go anyway.

Even if you could get me in a plane with Trevor, we still have the problem of

leaving Alf all alone.

Well, now, maybe that's not that big a problem.

Alf has gone six months without starting a fire.

Dad? Please.

Gee, a vacation would be nice, wouldn't it?

Okay, let's go.

Am I going alone?

No, Alf. We're going alone.

Come on, Brian.

Which means we trust you, Alf, to stay by yourself.

I don't want to be trusted.

I want to go.

That letter was sent to me.

Alf, I'm very sorry that we can't take you, but we can.

I promise. We'll bring back that talking blender.

Toaster!

The thing you put bread into.

A blender you put cats into.

See, I need to go and teach you about small appliances.

No, it's settled, Al.

We're going and you're staying.

Oh, fine.

I'll stay here and talk to our old toaster.

Of course it won't talk back.

Yeah. Gonna be a long, quiet weekend for the old Alford.

Feel guilty.

I don't feel guilty.

Then you haven't been paying attention.

Harmonic speaking.

For those with cameras, on your left is the Tujunga toxic waste dump. I'm flying

lower so you can get a better view.

No, don't. We can see it fine from here.

I sure get a kick out of flying passengers for a change. Instead of just

Where's that smell coming from?

From the cargo hold where the pigs are.

Daddy, I feel so sick. I mean, why do we have to fly baby backwards anyway?

I guess so we can keep our eye on the pig.

There you

go.

Willie, this place is really nice. I'm kind of surprised.

Me too. The hotel is great. I keep looking for the cats.

Hello. Be the tanners. I'm Bill Lohman, sales manager for Rancho Estate. I was

expecting you.

Oh, no, Mr. Tanner. I think you were expecting the hard sell.

Well, there's no need to worry about that. Good. Because after you've seen

slideshow, you are going to be begging me to sell you a home.

Well, still, that means good day.

And at Rancho Estate, every day is a good day.

Would it be okay if we looked at this later?

Uh, when later? Much later.

Oh, absolutely.

No problem.

You know, you folks should first enjoy some tennis, some swimming, and some

fishing. And if you need me, I'll be following you in a golf cart.

You know, we expected a sales pitch. Yeah. That's no reason why we still

enjoy ourselves.

Oh! Buenos dias!

Let's clear this up.

Are you or are you not happy to see me?

I'm happy, Al.

Are those chocolates?

How did you get here?

I stowed away in Kate's suitcase.

Oh, no.

Now I'll have your hair all over my clothes.

Take it easy.

Your clothes are hair -free and hanging neatly in the closet back home.

What am I supposed to wear here?

Well, I love what you've got on now.

Perfect for every occasion.

Al, we trusted you to stay out of trouble.

I trusted you to get my toaster.

And I don't see it anywhere, let alone hear it.

But the fact is, I felt neglected.

I'm a member of this family, too, you know.

I just wanted to be with the people I love.

And get that toaster.

Hey, Tanner, guess what?

We have a joining room.

Hey, open up. Can't we shake this guy?

Uh, Brian, quick, you better hide out from the bedroom.

All right, but don't start that slideshow without me.

Looks like we're neighbors again.

You want to go catch the four show?

Actually, we were just thinking about going home.

What do you think? Would that be out of the question?

He's joking, right?

No.

The plane ride was such fun, we can't wait to fly again.

And I've got school tomorrow.

On Saturday?

Traffic school.

Well, I'm sorry.

That plane is on its way to Central America.

I can't tell you anything else.

Are you saying we're stuck here?

Yeah. Tough luck, huh?

Stuck in a resort hotel?

Come on. Let's cut a rug.

Trip the life band tactic.

Do the hustle.

Well, I'd love to, but I don't have anything to wear.

Well, what was in that suitcase of yours?

It weighed a ton.

Suntan lotion?

No. Mom tends to burn.

Well, don't worry about it.

Raquel will lend you one of her dresses.

Now don't spill anything on Raquel's dress.

I might want to wear it next.

What are you doing up so early?

I'm sorry, hon. I never got to sleep.

I spent the whole night listening to the harmonic snore.

What snore?

In a pattern.

Like a conversation.

Didn't you hear it?

Yeah, but I just thought it was the ice machine.

Alf.

Where's Alf?

Well, somebody could have seen you. No way. This place is a morgue before dawn.

I wanted to surprise you guys by serving catfish in bed.

Hey, Tanner, rise and shine.

Bedroom. Bathroom. Gotta clean the fish.

Come on, V.

Good morning, Trevor.

Good, you're already up.

Hey, we've got a bidet.

In the morning, his voice is a lot lower.

Sounds like he's shaving.

Oh, yeah. Uh -huh. Yeah.

I won't allow him to have a mustache.

That's good.

You gotta take a stand.

Listen, since we're up already, why not go for a pony ride?

Oh, thanks, Trevor. We're just gonna stay here.

Yes, it's such a great room. We don't want to waste it.

But you gotta go out.

You gotta go to the big sales presentation.

It's mandatory for everybody.

All of us?

Away from this room?

At the same time?

Yeah, what the heck? Get crazy.

Listen, the buffet starts at 7 o 'clock.

Raquel will have your dress picked out by 6 .30.

Oh, by the way, she wanted to know, did you need a bra with that?

Just the dress.

Alf, he's gone.

He's busy scaling catfish.

Catfish don't have scales.

Then I won't be needing your shaver anymore.

Neither will I.

Nice dress, Mom.

Yeah, Kate.

You look real sexy in that.

Well... Anyone would look good in there.

Trevor. Hmm? You know you're not supposed to be eating shellfish. You'll

allergic reaction.

It's a lot safer than the Mexican food Tana's eating.

Huh, Tana?

What? Oh.

I'm sorry. I was worrying about whether our room would be all right all

alone.

Our room will be fine, Dad.

It has a toaster to keep it company.

Toast.

Toast.

Toast.

Toast now.

Hello, room service.

Send another bag of bread to room 13.

Yeah, leave it outside the door again.

Quiet. I'm on the phone.

Oh, hey, and bring some tartar sauce.

Thanks.

Now let's see what you can do with catfish.

You know, your daughter is a terrific tennis player.

You know, honey, if you lived up here, you could play every day.

Yeah.

Why don't you tell your dad how much you'd like to live here?

No. Oh, go on. Tell him. No. Tell him! No!

All right, settle down, folks. We'll begin the sales presentation in just a

minute.

That's why we're here, right?

Of course, there are some people who keep coming back for the free room and

shellfish.

Last chance for second.

Trevor, you said you were only going back for salad.

I did. It's underneath the shrimp.

You didn't need a thing.

You're still worried about your room.

No.

Well, it was that.

Yes, it was.

I warned them about that Mexican food.

I can't imagine what caused that toaster to short circuit.

But I'm going to find out.

It sure stunk up the place.

It smelled like burned fish all the way to the lobby.

By the way, how's that smell back in the cargo section?

I, for one, miss the pig.

I'm sorry.

I meant to hose down a jackal.

Hey, Raquel, I feel a little woozy.

Give me a bromo, will you? I warned you about that shellfish, Trevor.

Just get it, all right? I'll get it in a second.

I have to put ointment on my shoulders.

That hotel ought to warn their guests about the sun.

Quite possibly the worst weekend of our entire lives.

You haven't stopped complaining since I burned down that room.

You. Back with the jackals.

They're hyenas.

And I don't like them.

They're jackals.

Then why are they laughing at me?

Lieutenant McIntosh.

Give me the coordinates.

We're almost over enemy territory.

What enemy territory?

What enemy territory?

What do you think that is, the Mississippi River?

Those are the bridges of Toko -Ri.

Trevor.

Trevor.

Snap out of it, Trevor. The war is over.

Boy, I did overdo the shellfish.

Willie. Willie, what's wrong?

I'm not sure, Trevor.

How serious is this analogy?

It's nothing.

Listen, would you switch on the autopilot?

Where is it? It's right down there.

I'm going to get up, move around a little, stretch for a minute, so I don't

out.

Oh. Oh, Trevor.

Oh, Trevor.

Trevor. Trevor, say something.

Oh, good, the USO.

Is he okay? My gosh, what are we going to do? Who's going to fly the plane?

Dad, you fly it. No, relax, everybody.

Nobody is going to fly this plane.

I'm the logical choice.

Oh, by the way, you were right. They're not hyenas, but they are laughing.

Al can fly a plane?

Oh, he can't even work the toaster.

Well, he did fly a spaceship.

Yeah, how different can it be?

What does this do?

block the door.

Help is on the way, Raquel.

Brian, sit down. Fasten your seatbelt. What's blocking the door?

Um, a hyena.

Well, did he figure it out? Can you fly it?

I think so.

I need to see an owner's manual.

There's not an owner's manual.

And I can't fly it.

The laws of aerodynamics are the same.

for the dress.

I don't know what I would have done without it.

What a lovely weekend. We must do it again sometime.

Okay, but only if we get the jackals.

Come on, baby.

Speak to the old Alfred.

Are they gone?

Yeah. Oh, good.

Then we could pick up where we left off.

I believe you were thanking me for saving your life.

No, I believe we had already thanked you several times.

Well, you could thank me again.

No.

Please?

All right. Thank you, Al.

We never could have made it back without you.

You're the best alien that any family... Oh, stop.

Hold that thought, will you, Willie? My catfish are ready.