Original subtitles

Hold it. I haven't had my dessert.

Oh, gross. What is that?

It's a slime ball.

Ow. I know what you're going to say.

I shouldn't bring treats to the table unless I have enough for everyone.

Well, we're in luck.

No, we're not.

You sure?

There's a surprise in the center.

Alf, where did you get those?

Melmac. I usually buy wild cherry, but all they had left was slug. Oh.

What's the surprise in the center?

I'll give you a hint.

In wild cherry, it was a cherry.

We'll pass.

Okay. More for me.

You know, it's a lucky thing I found these when I was cleaning out my

A couple of more months and they would have gone bad.

Oh, no.

Well, they're not that stale. No, it's a rose.

Roach! Well, I think someone's been slacking off on her housekeeping.

It came from your bag.

Well, needless to say, that's the last time I shop at Ed's Bakery.

It ran under the bag. Somebody step on it.

There it goes.

Oh, look, it has blue eyes.

Of course it does.

It's a roach.

Al, roaches don't have blue eyes. They have... I don't know what they have.

Well, on Melmac, their eyes are blue.

Haven't you ever heard the expression, her eyes were as blue as a roach's?

Could somebody just squash it?

Wait a minute, Kate. This thing came all the way from Melmac.

It's a unique specimen.

We already have a unique specimen from Melmac.

You're comparing me to a cockroach?

I'm going to get the spray.

Answer me!

But, Mom, wait!

I want to take it to Chantel.

It will be just as interesting dead.

Would you have to kill it? I mean, couldn't you just... I don't know, like,

it loose in the backyard?

No, no, here's what we should do.

We should catch it.

I'll build a little box. We'll put a piece of donut right in the middle. Then

you guys make sure that Alf doesn't get to the donut before the roach does.

Then I'll... Never

mind the box.

You mentioned something about a donut?

Mom, you didn't have to kill it.

Roaches are filthy, disgusting creatures that carry disease.

I thought we were talking about donuts.

There is no donut.

Can we get the roach a funeral?

We shouldn't bury it. We should keep it for study.

I'm just curious.

What kind of donut would it have been?

Plain. Plain?

With all the choices they have nowadays?

Can we forget about this donut?

Well, you got me going.

Al, we are trying to figure out what to do with the roach.

Why? It's gone.

What? Look, it's not there anymore. Where did it go?

Maybe you didn't spray it enough.

I used half a can.

I'll be right back.

Where are you going?

I'm going to call a donut place that delivers.

Come on, everybody.

We are going to find that Roach.

Kate, calm down. Calm down.

There is a space roach loose in our house.

Well, maybe it went somewhere to die with dignity.

Willie!

Yeah, all right, Alf.

You can order the donut.

I already did, but that's not why I said... Oh, why did you say... Just come

out here!

What is all this secrecy about?

I didn't want to upset Kate.

What is it that would upset Kate? I believe a foot -long cockroach would

Kate.

Old Blue Eyes is back.

Come on, you guys. I told Grandma we'd be at her place in

ten minutes.

cockroach come with us?

Brian, I think you're missing the point of this trip.

Just get packed, please. Let's get in the car.

Mom, why do we have to take so much? I mean, we're coming back.

We are coming back, aren't we?

Yes. When the cockroach is killed.

But it was killed before.

This time, I want to see a body.

Good news!

It's dead?

Well, let's just say it's got three feet in the grave.

The exterminator's on his way over.

We don't need an exterminator. We need Sigourney Weaver.

Kate, unpack your bags. Alf, cancel the exterminator.

I've killed the roach.

Honey, that's wonderful.

Tell us how you killed the roach. Yeah, how'd you kill Rodney?

You named it?

After my brother?

I can't help it.

How did you kill the roach? I used the spray.

Did you actually see the body? I saw it hit the floor. And then?

Then I came in here.

So we're talking about an unconfirmed kill.

Technically.

Let's go, kids.

Come on. Wait, Kate, I emptied a whole can of spray on it. I tell you, it's

dead.

You call me when he gets your mother's?

Keep in touch, Willie.

Let's go, Kate.

You're not going anywhere.

That's your roach.

It was my roach when it was an inch long.

Now it belongs to the world.

Stay right where you are.

I'll call you when the exterminator leaves. Goodbye, honey. Be careful.

Bye, Dad. Bye, Rodney.

Rodney. Bye, Daddy.

Listen, if it goes into my room, I don't want to know about it.

Bye, Al.

Listen, what's that exterminator plan to use on this thing?

I don't know.

Spray.

Hmm.

Hmm, what?

Well, maybe nothing, but we started with a roach this big.

Kate sprayed it. A minute later, it was big enough to wear a sweater.

Then you sprayed it again.

Now... I hate to extrapolate, but Al, what happened when you sprayed roaches

Melmac? We didn't have spray on Melmac, which in retrospect seems like a pretty

good thing.

What's it doing back there?

Anything it wants to.

You better hide in the kitchen.

Oh, great.

The one place roaches always go.

Would you rather hide back there?

If you need me, I'll be on top of the refrigerator.

Exterminator. Oh, right.

Where are they?

In the bedroom.

But actually, there aren't really all that many. Actually, there's just one.

One roach?

Just the one, yes.

What are you, some kind of phobic?

Phobic? Yes.

All right.

I'll go kill the roach.

Wait, wait just a minute, please.

You can't use that spray.

Why not?

Because who knows what effect it'll have on the roach.

Well, if history's any teacher, the general effect will be death.

Ideally, yes.

But this is a special roach.

What is it, pet?

Don't use the spray.

Fine. I won't.

I don't believe you.

Give me the tank.

What, my tooth grew so I don't step on it?

I was hoping you might be able to suggest some more scientific way to kill

Oh, I'm sorry. I left my heat -seeking missile in the car.

Oh, now you're making fun of me.

Yes, I am.

I'll just take a magazine and whack it.

Oh, wait, wait.

Take this instead.

Did you warn him?

Yeah, but I don't think he believed me.

Maybe you better open the front door.

Let me out of here!

I've got to see this for myself.

You want me to hold the door open?

How big did it get?

Well, that depends.

Do you measure the shoulder or the head?

Let's go, Willie.

We're all packed and I started the car.

We're not running away from this roach.

You didn't hear me. I said we're driving away from this roach.

Oh, I'm not getting up.

I'm going to find something to kill it. Well, may I suggest the National Guard?

I prefer a method that would keep us off the six o 'clock news.

All right, I'll see you later. Deep stands for drive, right?

Al, look, panicking is not going to help anything.

Yeah, right.

Let's just sit around and read.

This is not reading. This is research.

I'm going to solve this problem with a calm, clinical approach.

That's exactly what those guys in Detroit said.

Then one morning they woke up and found themselves infested with Jaffies.

Jaffies? Yeah.

Blood -sucking maggots that take the shape of their host.

Detroit.

Michigan.

You amaze me.

You think that's the only Detroit in the universe?

Where's the other one?

On Melmac.

A lot of good R &D groups came out of there.

Thank you, Alice.

Thank you.

But if we can stick to the problem, we're supposed to be finding a way to

roaches. I thought of one, but you didn't like it.

I don't have a harpoon.

Whose fault is that?

I mean, you can't expect me to take care of everything.

I think I may have discovered a less violent solution.

Now, all these books say that the best way to kill roaches is with boric acid.

Oh, yeah.

That's what they used on the Jaffys.

Did it work?

Let's put it this way.

Detroit became known as Jaffytown.

Maybe they didn't have the right concentration. Fortunately, I have

all the latest scientific research.

McCall's?

They did an article on poison, okay?

Lieutenant, you're next.

It's out.

Under the counter.

It's crawling with spiders back there.

Cool. Well, can I at least take something to read?

Steve Allen's World of Bugs.

Great. I've already read it.

Hi, Tanner. Hi, Trevor.

I saw the exterminator leave your house in such a hurry, he dropped his tank.

Bugs? Oh, yeah, we have a little cockroach problem.

Ah, yeah, cockroaches.

Blatela germanica, our little prehistoric friend.

You know, cockroach fossils have been found that are over 300 million years

That's nice, Trevor.

I'll never forget the cockroach problem we had back in Korea.

They were everywhere.

You took a step, it was like walking on crackers.

Isn't that interesting?

There's more.

I'm sorry, please go on.

We used to have to go to sleep with our boots on.

Because you know the oriental ones?

When they bite, they secrete this weird saliva.

Kind of like meat tenderizer.

Yeah.

You get enough of that in your system, forget it.

They showed us a movie about it.

David Niven was brilliant.

Well, I'll see you.

Oh, by the way, I took the liberty of spraying around your house.

You what?

Yeah. I noticed the exterminator forgot to do it.

So I dosed it up for you. Real good.

No charge.

Oh, no.

I said no charge.

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm going to the drugstore. I'm going to buy all the boric acid they've

But you heard Trevor.

What if you come back and I've been tenderized? I won't be gone long. I'll

be gone five minutes.

Take me with you.

You know I can't.

Well, throw me in the trunk.

There's no air. You'll suffocate.

I'll wear scuba gear.

That'll give me 30 minutes.

Plus, if you drive off a bridge...

I'll survive.

I haven't got time to argue.

All right, go.

First Kate and the kids, now you.

I feel like the pretty little virgin.

The what?

You know, the apple -cheeked maiden that the cowardly townspeople feed to the

dragon.

Don't you read fairy tales?

This is a discussion that we're going to postpone.

I'm leaving.

Fine. I'll just toddle off into the kitchen and sauté myself.

Oh, Alf.

You know I wouldn't leave you if I had any other choice.

Then hug me.

What? I want a hug.

Why?

Well, because we may never see each other again.

And we've never taken the time to, you know, hug.

Now tell me you love me.

All right, all right.

Just hurry back, okay?

And don't stop for anything.

Except maybe some more donuts.

Jelly!

All right.

I should take it easy.

I mean, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

Whoever said that must have had a lot of bodyguards.

Be strong.

Be strong.

Be afraid.

Be very afraid.

Listen, you don't want to eat me. I'm pure gristle. My whole family has an

aftertaste. If you can hold out, there's donuts on the way.

Good idea.

Put some coffee on it.

I should have guessed.

It probably likes gristle.

Now I feel like a tease.

Hello, operator.

This is an emergency.

Give me the fire department or the police or the paramedics. Somebody. I

care. You decide.

Hello?

Fire department?

Well, I need you to come out here. There's a giant... cockroach trying to

me.

All right, then. I'm a cat and I'm stuck in a tree.

Whatever it takes.

Operator, make it the paramedics.

Whoever builds the doors on this planet ought to be horse whipped.

Occupied!

All right, the party's over.

I've got a 357, and I know how to use it.

No one's ever told me where these things lead.

Oh, you want to use the bathroom?

Is that it?

Look, you're angry at the world.

I understand that. You probably didn't get enough love as a larva.

But I've got an idea. We could sit down, talk, have a nice cold glass of boric

acid. You know, we could deal with it.

What do you think about that? Ever see one of these?

Take that!

I was only kidding.

Joke, joke. Yeah, you know what? I've got the number of a good psychiatrist

friend of mine. He deals with... Psychopathic ants and roaches. Here,

Yeah, you'll smell good, too.

Alf. Alf, are you okay?

Oh, hi, Willie.

Did you get the donuts?

Alf.

What did you do?

Nothing much.

Watched a little TV.

Killed a bug.

How did you kill it?

Cheap cologne.

That's perfume.

I bought that for Kate on her last birthday.

You had roach problems then, too?

How did you know to use this?

Well, I analyzed the list of ingredients.

And based on what I know about the physiology of Melmacian cockroaches...

I lucked out.

I can't believe you took this roach on all by yourself.

You could have been killed.

When it comes to defending my home, I'm an animal.

That's just the way I'm made.

Oh, I want to, uh... I want to drag this outside before Kate gets back.

No, don't rough it up.

Once they dry out, they get brittle.

What difference does that make?

Are you kidding?

I planned to have that guy stuffed and mounted ASAP.

Thought it would look good over the fireplace.

We're getting rid of it.

Hello? Oh, hi, Kate. I was just about to call you.

I've got some good news about the roach and some bad news about your birthday

present.

Hey, Brian, how about a bedtime story?

I'm too tired to tell you one tonight.

No, I'll tell you one.

Oh, okay.

What do you want to hear?

Baa Baa the Elephant?

The Princess and the Pea?

Or Brave Alf and the Giant Cockroach?

I'll go with the princess.

Fine. Read it yourself.

What'd you do with the cockroach?

We found a dump that doesn't ask questions. Too bad they don't give a

the weirdest garbage.

Alf, did you check your spaceship to see if there were any more cockroaches?

Consider it roachless.

But you sprayed everything with perfume just in case.

Well, everything but my gym bag.

I don't want to get funny looks if I ever go back to my health club.

What is this plant?

Looks kind of like a Venus flytrap.

It is.

From Venus.

I want that out of this house.

Why? It's just a plant.

It brightens up the room.

Gives off oxygen.

It eats insects.

And pencils.

I'll get the perfume.

I'll call and see if the dump is still open.

I'll take back the boric acid and get some defoliant.

You people are getting good at this.