Original subtitles

Kate, Kate, I got home as fast as I could.

What's the emergency?

What? Well, I have this message from the office telling me to get home as fast

as I could.

Why? I didn't leave any message.

You? I didn't say rush home.

I told them to ask you to get home as soon as possible.

You said it was an emergency?

Yeah. The TV set is broken.

What?

It's got audio but no video.

My guess is the picture tube is shot.

You got me into a panic to tell me that?

Sorry, but I began to panic when I missed Gumby.

Well, you're going to miss a lot more than Gumby, Buster, because that TV set

stays broken.

What? Willie, I'm a shut -in.

TV is my lifeline.

I just pulled the plug on it.

Apparently it was a mistake to call you.

I think we watch too much TV in this house anyway.

I think this would be a good chance to talk, to read, to catch up on some

chores.

Super. Welcome to Little House on the Prairie.

Alf, don't you have something else to do besides stare at me?

No.

Fine.

Why do you wash dishes before putting them into the dishwasher?

I'm not washing them. I'm rinsing them.

Doesn't the machine have a rinse cycle?

Yes, it's after the wash cycle.

Do you want to run that by me again?

I guess we're all a little testy without the TV.

Yo, Lynn.

Need some help with the homework.

Thanks, but it's American history.

Pre -Civil War?

Yep. Not my area.

Catching up on your reading, I see. Yeah, isn't it refreshing having no TV?

Yeah, invigorating.

I assume you have no plans to get it repaired.

No immediate plans?

Fine. I'll leave it tuned to Oral Roberts.

Maybe it'll heal itself.

Dad, I need some help.

I have to make a project for a science carnival.

Is that anything like a science fair?

Yeah, only this has clowns.

Well, what's the problem, Brian?

I don't know what to make.

No problem.

On Milmac, I was known as Mr.

Science. Oh, why can't Mr. Science fix his own spaceship then?

Because Mr.

Science isn't good with tools.

That's why I dropped out of dental school.

You went to dental school?

Yeah. It was the easiest thing I could think of. We only have four teeth.

What can we make, Alf?

Well, an electric sandwich caddy.

A machine that brings you your sandwich.

No, a sandwich that hands you your golf clubs.

Oh, that's a much better idea.

Better than a rain gauge.

How do you know about the rain gauge?

Lynn. I'm sorry, Dad. He found it in my closet.

Nifty piece of work, too.

I tried it out last month, and we apparently experienced 16 feet of rain.

There's no need for you to insult my rain gauge.

Meteorology happens to be a very fascinating branch of science.

So is taxidermy, which brings me to my next suggestion.

Let's stuff Lucky.

Let's not.

I think I'll work on my science project alone.

Thanks anyway.

Now, you see? You see what happens when you're a Budinsky?

Well, perhaps if the TV were working, I wouldn't be a Budinsky.

I doubt that.

Nice try, though.

Mind if I read over your shoulder?

TV's still on the fritz, I see. Still broken, if that's what you mean.

Here's a petition, signed by every member of this family.

It states that by hurting me, you are hurting others, and ultimately, hurting

yourself.

Alf, you signed all these names.

Yes, by proxy.

That's your copy anyway.

The original is notarized and on the way to my attorney, formerly your attorney.

Oh, Alf, I already said you could use the portable TV in the bedroom.

It's too small.

It makes everyone look like Danny DeVito.

Well, for your information, I'm sending the TV back to the factory.

The factory?

Why don't you just call a repairman?

Because it's still under warranty.

Well, how long is it going to take? Where's the factory?

The factory is in... Libya.

Libya? Is that near Bakersfield?

It's closer to Egypt.

Apparently, the guarantee is void unless the work is performed at Moammar

Electronics.

And I have to pay the shipping cost.

Well, what kind of guarantee is that?

I'd say a bad one.

All right.

I didn't read the fine print. All right.

This looks like a job for... Consumer Ed.

Consumer Ed.

Yeah. The guy on the news who fights for people being ripped off?

Last week, he helped a woman in Oxnard sue a soup company after she found a

mouth head in her minestrone.

Ow. The company said it was a garbanzo bean.

Ow, please.

Turned out to be a finger.

Excuse me. What's wrong?

Consumer Ed got the lady a year's supply of free minestrone.

I'll give the guy a call. Just stay out of this.

Come on, Brian, show them. Look at Brian's science project. It's really

And it made it without any help.

Hey, nice job.

What is it? Streetlights?

I thought they called you Mr.

Science.

It's a molecule.

Solar system.

Solar system?

Whose solar system?

Ours.

You forgot the two planets next to Pluto.

Let me guess, Mickey and Donald.

Oh, sure.

Turn it into a travesty.

Their names are Dave and Alvin.

Really? No, Brian, Al's only kidding.

I'm not kidding.

I almost hit Alvin on my approach to Earth.

It's a sharp turn.

Where'd they be on here?

Brian, they're not on here. They're not anywhere. Al, tell him the truth.

The truth is, Brian, they're right over here.

Alf, I think if there were two planets named Dave and Alvin, I would have read

about them.

You could have missed it.

After all, you let that Momar electronics thing slip by.

Dad, can I add Alvin and Dave? No, I don't think that's a good idea.

But if you don't add them, you're perpetuating lies.

I mean...

What if Galileo had listened when they told him he couldn't sail around the

world?

Galileo didn't sail around the world.

Oh, like you were there.

Alf, if Brian adds those planets, they'll laugh him right out of school.

Nobody will believe him.

Even if it is true.

Even if it is true?

That does it. I quit.

You quit what?

I don't know yet.

But when I do, just try to talk me out of it.

Brian, your project's very good. Very, very good. Just like it is.

Okay?

I hope so.

Hello? Yeah, Bob's Smoke Shop?

Do you have Prince Albert in a can?

No?

Well, can you tell me who does?

Uh -huh.

I see.

Yeah, thanks.

This isn't as much fun as I heard.

Hey, B, how was school today?

I failed my science project.

You should have added Alvin and Dave, like I said.

I did.

And you still failed?

That's why I failed. I added them because I believed you. But all my

laughed at me.

They did?

Now my teacher won't even let my project be in the science carnival.

It's all your fault.

My fault?

You lied to me. There really aren't 11 planets, are there?

Yes, there are.

Brian, your teacher's the one who needs an education.

Now I'm mad.

I'm mad.

I'm mad.

Hello, information?

Get me Brian's teacher.

Oh, wait a minute. No, uh, get me the Franklin Elementary School.

Yes, I know it's cheaper to use a directory, but I don't have any thumbs.

Well, you should be sorry.

Where is everybody?

Oh, they've, uh, they've gone to the movies.

Well, why didn't you go?

I'm fixing the TV.

Now?

Yes.

I'm going out a little later, and I decided it's dangerous to leave you

with nothing to do.

Are you referring to that chemical spill?

Chemical spill?

What chemical spill?

Nothing.

Hey, Willie, how about a game of Trivial Pursuit? I promise not to pick any

science questions.

No, thanks.

I think you should leave this for a qualified repairman. Well, Mr.

Smarty... It's Mr.

Science.

For your information, I've located the problem.

There's no power going into the high -voltage transformer.

Hey, you want power?

That would help.

Your call.

It was an accident.

An accident?

An accident?

You almost killed me, and you say it was an accident?

All right, let's call it a mistake.

You want to get that? It's probably consumer ed. You called consumer ed

asked you not to? You didn't say not to. You said stay out of this.

You should have been more specific.

I hope it is, consumer Ed, because I'm turning you over to him.

Won't that be a great story for the six o 'clock news?

I, uh, think I left the oven on.

Yeah?

Mr.

Tanner?

Yeah?

I'm Mrs. Lyman, Brian's principal.

Oh, hi, hi.

Come in. Won't you please come in?

Am I interrupting something?

No, no.

Well, I'm sorry to drop in on you like this, but your house is on my way home.

And I did want to clear up that little misunderstanding between you and Miss

Larva. Miss Larva?

Brian's teacher.

Oh, Miss Larva.

You called her this afternoon.

No, I'm sorry. I didn't call Ms.

Larva this afternoon. No.

Is Mrs.

Tanner home? No, no. I'm alone here.

Gee, that's odd. I thought I heard you yelling at someone just before I rang

doorbell.

Oh, that was probably the TV.

I don't mean, actually, the TV. I was yelling at the TV because it's broken.

I always yell at the TV when it's broken.

We could talk some other time.

Maybe with a social worker. No, I mean... No, no. No, come in, won't you?

down, please. Let's talk.

This is about my phone call, isn't it? I remember now. Of course, I remember.

What did I say?

You don't remember?

I don't. Forgive me. Please forgive me. My head just exploded.

I mean, the TV exploded, and it was on my head.

Well, you threatened to remove Brian from school. You questioned the

of his teacher, and you refused to ask him to remove the two extra planets from

his project.

The two extra planets?

Yes.

On one of which you stopped to use the restroom.

Could you excuse me just for a moment?

Oh, certainly.

What do you think?

I'll get...

to the point.

You told Brian to add those two planets to his model, didn't you? No, I didn't.

He did it on his own. Didn't you?

Well, I'll admit I was indirectly involved.

It was wrong of you to be involved at all.

But I took care of it. I called his teacher and set her straight. So I

Now the principal is here, and it's all because of these ridiculous stories of

yours.

Ridiculous?

You're going to feel a little silly when I tell you this, but I call the Mount

Palomar Observatory today, and they have no knowledge of the planet Alvin. How

surprising. They do, however, know of Dave, only they call him

Chiron.

Object go off.

Willie? Willie, snap out of it.

No, Alf.

Alf, in the late 70s, an object was spotted in space, originally called

Koa. It was later named Chiron.

And astronomers thought that could be a tenth planet, just somewhere just beyond

Pluto. Somewhere?

I'll show you exactly where.

What's this?

Rand McNally, Guide to the Stars.

I keep it in my glove compartment.

This is incredible.

You have a guide to the galaxy.

Well, it's three years old. A few of the stars have exploded.

Now, let's see.

Dave. Dave, G6.

Mileage between cities.

Melmac, San Francisco.

Oh, here it is. Dave. Right here. Dave?

And there's Alvin.

What's that little one?

Alvin Heights.

You weren't making this up.

I owe you an apology.

I'm waiting.

So is Mrs. Lyman.

Oh, say, could I get you anything?

No, no, I'm fine.

Oh, wax lips.

I have two questions for you. Yeah. First, can I have my lips back?

And second, you're going to tell her the truth about the planets?

I don't think I can.

Why not?

Show her the map.

Oh, good idea.

And when she asks us where we got it, then where will we be?

All right, all right. So you can't show her the map.

But just because you don't have any proof, that ends it?

I mean, what's with this planet?

Here's a chance to open people's minds.

Where are the free thinkers, the dreamers?

I don't know, but apparently not in Brian's school.

I'm afraid I'm just going to have to go out there and tell her this has all been

a big mistake.

In other words, you're going to lie.

Is everything all right? Yes, yes. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting so long.

Mrs. Lyman, this whole thing has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I'm so sorry that this all happened.

So am I.

We've never had any problems with Brian before.

It's just that this sort of thing upsets Miss Larva very much.

Mrs. Lyman, what if we just displayed the project?

As it is. Mr. Ted, we can't display a solar system with two planets named Dave

and Alvin.

It would make a circus out of our carnival.

Well, we wouldn't want to disgrace the clowns.

Look, I'm sure Ms. Larva would be willing to meet you halfway.

If Brian removed the extra planets, I'm sure she would let him compete with his

classmates and there'd be no harm done.

Yes.

Yes, there would be.

I... I can't ask him to do that.

Then I can't ask my teacher to change her policy. Oh, sure you could.

All right, I could.

But I won't.

Wait a minute, Mrs. Lyman. You're an educator.

Surely there's room in our system for free thinking. I mean, where would

be if there weren't dreamers? Would the Wright brothers have flown?

Would Galileo have sailed around the world?

Galileo?

Oh, never mind.

Mr. William Tanner. Yeah? Consumer Ed Bogansky, nice to meet you.

Let's start with a wide shot of the whole room. No, no, wait.

Look at that set.

Wait, wait.

Wait, wait.

We'll take care of it. No.

Hello. I'm at the home of Mr. William Tanner, who, in a desperate attempt to

fight City Hall, has summoned me, Consumer Ed, to be in his corner. Stop!

Stop. Take it easy. This will only take a minute.

There was no need to involve the media in this.

Dispute. Dispute. Ma 'am, why don't you give us your side of the question? No,

please. There's really nothing to talk about.

What's going on?

Oh, nothing.

They were just leaving.

Is this your family?

That's Consumer Ed.

Can we just stop for a minute?

You shouldn't have called me if you didn't want to talk about your

This is not about the TV, Mr. Ed. This is about the extra planets.

What extra planets?

The two his son claims exist beyond Pluto.

They do exist.

I mean, who says they don't?

Is that your son?

No. Dad!

I mean, yes, yes.

Get a shot of the kid here.

Are you putting this on TV? No, Brian, this is great human interest.

Please continue, Mr. Tanner. He has nothing to say.

Yes, I do.

My son, Brian, entered a project in the school science carnival. Is that like a

science fair?

Well, this has clowns.

But the school wouldn't allow the project to be displayed without...

proper credit to the imagination of Brian Tanner.

Excuse me?

I'm Brian's principal, and I want to say that this is what our science carnival

is all about.

Free thinking.

It is? It is now.

Not to display Brian's project would be closed -minded.

Does this mean I can enter my project?

Absolutely.

We encourage open -mindedness in all of our students.

After all, where would science be today if it weren't for free thinking?

For the dreamers.

Right, Bri?

I was just going over the phone bill, and I found... Save it for later,

This is Brian's moment.

Do you know someone made a two -hour phone call to Libya?

That might have been me.

Consumer Ed set up the call to the factory.

This was a $300 phone call.

Hey, I got your new TV out of it, didn't I?

I didn't pay $300 for the first one.

Which is exactly why it broke.

I'd like to step out of the consumer corner for a minute and share with you

interesting story I recently stumbled upon.

Look, there's my school.

I'm standing in the auditorium of the Franklin Elementary School where an

event called a science carnival takes place.

Move it, clown.

What makes this year's event so unusual?

Besides the clowns, there's a new category called the world of ideas.