Original subtitles

No, David, you can't sleep over here because, um, uh, um... Tell him the

has been painted.

I told him that last time.

Tell him the basement's flooded.

The basement's flooded.

Okay? Fine. The basement's flooded?

Why didn't somebody tell me? No, the basement's fine. David wanted to sleep

and Brian was telling him why he can't.

Brian, you shouldn't lie.

Hello? Is the doctor in?

Hello?

Unless, of course, the truth has an arrow through his head.

I just want you to know how I feel about lying.

Dad's always been against it.

Even though there are certain situations in which lying is not as wrong as it is

in other situations, I want you to know that lying is always wrong.

You understand what I'm saying?

Do you?

I'm working at it.

Hey, Willie, look at this.

It's a squirting flower.

Am I working it right?

I think you got the basic idea.

Where'd you get that?

I sent away for a whole box of this stuff.

That Taiwan must be the most fun place on Earth.

Oh, Alf, you better go to the kitchen.

But I didn't show you the fake vomit.

Save that for dinner.

Of course.

Where's my mind?

Don't even think about it.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Uckmanick.

You should really answer the door more quickly. I was getting ready to leave.

I'm so sorry.

You're all wet.

Is the basement flooded again?

Dad was squirted by a flower.

Oh, Trevor wanted to buy one of those things.

I just put my foot down.

Good for you.

I knocked myself out. Would it be all right if I stayed here till Trevor came

home? Well, uh, I don't know.

Can I ask you something? Why is there always hair on your couch?

Well, we, uh, we had a dog, and then he ran away.

Years ago.

Before we knew you.

That must be the pipe acting up again. Oh, that pipe.

That pipe. I think I'll go wrap it in tape.

One of the dog's old toys.

What is it?

What?

229 years old.

And that's what you think is funny.

Can we talk about this some other time? I have to make number four.

How am I supposed to get rid of Mr. Zuckmanek?

I don't know.

Tell her about that interesting fishing trip you went on with your father.

That'll do it.

Oh, hey, Willie.

Come here.

Yeah.

It might kill me.

You're all wet again.

Yeah, I... Did another pipe burst?

Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah.

Oh, Mrs. Ekmanek, would you mind facing the door just for a moment, please?

Why?

Oh, I don't know.

I think I'll wait for Trevor by the curb.

Never mind. The moment has passed.

What are you doing?

Well, I was sleeping till you woke me up.

Since when do you sleep standing up?

Since I started sleeping with that box on my head.

You look ridiculous.

Well, not everyone sleeps like you.

Mouth open, drooling on the pillow.

How do you know how I look when I sleep?

I go into your bedroom at night and watch you and Kate.

I don't like you doing that.

Well, hey, you were watching me.

I couldn't sleep.

I came out to get a glass of milk. I heard you. Oh, good.

It works.

They're attacked on the floor.

It's my alarm system.

In case a burglar shows up.

Getting one of your headaches again?

You know what's good for that?

Jogging. I've been doing a lot of it lately.

I don't think jogging is the answer.

You've been jogging?

Yeah. You could really see the definition in my thigh muscles.

You actually go outside in the street where people can see you?

I jog at night.

And I wear a dark headband.

Um, uh...

I'm going to go back to bed and drool.

Did you get your milk?

No. I'm going to step on the tack.

Do these things ever get to you?

No, I usually wear slippers.

Talking about the things Alf does.

You know, packs on the floor, jogging, hair on the couch, squirting flowers,

fish in the dryer.

When did he put fish in the dryer?

He hasn't.

Yet.

You know, you could talk to someone about Alf.

I thought I was.

No, no, no. I mean someone outside the family. Somebody who's not so close to

the thing. But that's just the point, Kate. I can't tell anyone about Al.

How about Larry?

He's a psychologist.

A psychologist, Kate. No, no, no. I mean you can trust him. He's not allowed to

tell anyone.

Oh, I don't know.

I'll think about it.

We gotta get some sleep now. I gotta get up early in the morning, get a tetanus

shot.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you guys would be asleep.

I guess it wouldn't hurt to give Larry a call.

What are you looking at?

Well, Mr. O 'Hara, I'll see you next week, okay?

And on your way home, keep telling yourself over and over, there's no such

as a space creature.

Hi, Willie.

Hi, Larry.

I'm next.

You still have ten minutes before your session. Come on in. I don't want to

up any of your time.

You mean my time.

Come on in.

In nine minutes, I'm coming in there.

Hey, Willie. Whoa, whoa. What's that?

Hey, come on. What's that?

Hey, what brings you to these parts, huh? Oh, I don't know. Nothing much. I

happened to be in the neighborhood.

Gosh, I thought all psychologists had couches.

Well, I used to have one, but I kept falling asleep on it.

Well,

I guess I'll be going.

No, why don't you wait outside? I'll finish the session and we can have lunch

together.

Hey, Willie, is everything all right? Yeah.

Anything on your mind? No, no.

No problems at home? No, no, just the usual, you know, nothing major, nothing

really out of... I have a creature from outer space

living with me.

Al, there's a lot of that going around. Sit down.

This is Al.

It's not really a very good picture.

I know I should be... I should really be thrilled having someone as

extraordinary as that living with me, but believe me, it has its drawback.

He's got some wonderful qualities, I admit that, but he...

He can be, well, irksome.

You know, one minute he's explaining the mysteries of the universe, and the next

minute he's putting fake vomit on my pillow.

I don't know anymore, Larry.

As a friend, what do you think?

I think I want my couch back.

Well, Larry, there's really no need for you to come over. I want to help. I want

to help. I'm a psychologist.

Anyway, I want to meet this thing.

All right, but don't call him a thing.

He's really very sensitive.

You're talking about me, aren't you?

No, we weren't. No, we weren't. I figured.

Nobody ever talks about me, Dr. Dykstra, except me. And I have to pay you to

listen to it.

Oh, Brian, would you get Alf? I think he's in the garage.

Okay.

I wanted to sort of prepare Alf a little before Larry gets here.

I think that Alf will like Larry. Well, I bet Larry will like Alf.

This isn't a blind date.

Larry's coming over here to observe and to make suggestions about how we can

better deal with Alf.

Oh, look.

Another fly in the ice cube. Al's really getting his money's worth out of this

joke kit.

Can you make this fast?

I'm in the middle of drying fish.

Where?

Out on the back porch. Why?

I was just wondering.

Al, we have a little surprise.

Don't tell me you're serving Lucky for dinner.

Because if you are, I want to rent a tux.

No. Al, for having a guest over.

Oh, I get it. And the surprise is, I have to stay hidden all evening.

No, actually, the guest is coming here to see you.

Uh -huh.

I see.

You do?

Oh, sure.

You never let anyone see me before, and suddenly you invite someone over.

It's obvious what's happening.

This guy's from the alien task force.

You people are turning me in.

Al, no, the man's an old friend of mine. He's a psychologist.

I assure you, you have nothing to worry about.

Okay, let's see.

No, no, I want it to wait until Larry gets here.

Well, is this guy always late?

No, he'll be here. He'll be here any minute.

You're going to have to chew with your mouth closed tonight.

All right, but on my planet... That's considered very rude.

People think you're hiding something.

Al, um, do you know what a psychologist is?

Sure. I know all about psychology.

I used to watch the old Bob Newhart show.

So why is this guy Larry coming over?

He's going to observe things.

Observe things?

Like what?

Well, like how the family...

How the family interacts, how we get along together.

What's he going to do? Put me under a microscope?

Analyze everything I say?

Ask me questions about my childhood?

Oh, no!

Al, calm down.

Right, right, calm, calm.

I'm calm.

Yeah, yeah, Larry's not going to think... I'm the crazy one.

Hi, Larry.

Hi, Willie. How are you? Hey, you're looking great.

Hi, Kate.

Oh, my God.

I take it he's the alien?

Hiya, Larry.

Nice firm handshake I've got there, huh?

Good sign, right?

No.

Don't kiss off.

Lenny, why don't you go check the pork chops?

Okay. Come on, Bri.

So, uh, what do you think of our planet?

Oh, I like it a lot, Larry.

I just wish there was more love and less war.

Not something a psychotic would say, right?

Oh, Al.

What?

So, uh, what's new in your life, Larry?

Oh, nothing.

Still packing them four deep on the couch.

Four deep on the couch!

I think we got the point, Alf.

Dinner's ready.

Oh, good.

After a hearty laugh like that, it's time for a hearty meal.

Every meal is a hearty meal for Alf.

At least this guy eats.

Why don't we let our guest sit at the head of the table?

My, aren't we polite all of a sudden.

Well, everything looks lovely, Kate. You've outdone yourself again.

Thank you.

Excuse me, but can someone please pass me the white boiled potatoes?

Did Alf say please?

Did Alf say pass?

Come on, Larry.

Chow down.

Alf loves to chow down.

I have a healthy appetite.

Nothing wrong with that, is there? No.

See, Willie?

I didn't say anything was wrong. I was just making a comment.

People don't just make comments.

They mean things by them.

Right, Lair?

Oh, gee.

Just making some room for the meal?

That's not something one does at the dinner table.

I'm sorry, Larry.

Where are my manners?

You don't have any manners.

Well, you know, in some countries it's considered a compliment if you burp

eating. Oh, yes, yes.

Sometimes Alves can be very, very complimentary.

So, Lair, what do you think about this Nicaragua thing?

Alves, why are you talking about Nicaragua?

We always discuss politics at the table.

No, we never discuss politics at the dinner table.

We discussed hair and the food. We discussed what appliances you've broken.

sorry, Larry, this is really, this is not at all the way Alf normally behaves.

Oh? How do I behave?

Well, generally, you do disgusting, gross things.

Go on, then, show them. Do something disgusting.

Yeah, make milk come through your nose.

Brian's an encourager.

Would you like some more potatoes?

They're very tasty. He doesn't care about potatoes.

Show him the vomit.

Willie, please.

I'm trying to eat.

Honestly, Larry, it isn't always quite like this.

I have a little exercise that might work, guys. It's called road reversal.

Now, Willie, you become Alf, and Alf becomes Willie.

That sounds like a good idea.

Oh, I don't think so.

Afraid of a little personal growth, perhaps?

I'm not afraid. I just... I think it's silly.

Come on, Willie. Give it a try. Larry knows what he's doing.

Yeah, come on, Dad. Alistair's a great impression of you.

Oh, all right. We wouldn't want to miss that.

Okay, since we're at the dinner table, let's just act like we would at the

dinner table, and we can start off by you, Willie, being out.

Food! Food! Give me more food!

I haven't had a meal in, oh, half an hour.

Oh, no, Alf. No, no.

No food for you.

You already ate last month.

No, no, no.

I don't sound like that. Come on, Willie. You're doing fine. I don't. Come

Keep going.

All right.

I finished my meal. I guess I'll watch TV while everybody else does the dishes.

I think we watch enough TV in this house. No. We should do something more

stimulating.

I know.

Let's conjugate verbs.

No, how about... How about we just break things?

Oh, no, no. That would be wrong.

Wrong. Wrong.

All right, then. How about if we, um... How about if we eat the cat, then?

How you doing, Lucky?

Sorry.

Household rule number 856, subsection D, paragraph 2. We do not eat

the cat.

A rule smooth.

I hate rules. I like... I like anarchy.

Well, I don't believe in anarchy. It's much too spontaneous.

Oh, look. Look how late it's getting.

And I still have to lay out my clothes for the rest of the year.

That's it. This isn't helping. I quit.

I win.

Al, there are no winners in this thing.

Well, I was ahead on points. That's not true.

Well, I think I've heard enough. I mean, you guys obviously don't get along,

okay? I think Al should move out.

Move out?

Move out? What does he mean, move out?

Are you saying that Al should get a place of his own?

That's crazy.

Do you know what rents are?

What am I talking about?

You can move in with me. I've got an extra room.

Alf, you're not going anywhere.

Why not?

Because people would find him out. Why do you care?

Well, I don't want anything to happen to him.

Aha, you do care what happens to Alf.

Of course I care.

I always did.

I just think that sometimes it seems that...

That Alf doesn't care a heck of a lot about me.

Not care?

Not care about the guy who's protected me and provided for me for all these

months?

You appreciated all of that?

Of course I appreciate it.

Hey, if you got a problem, let's talk.

I mean, if fake vomit's not your cup of tea, I'll lose it.

Yeah, I'd appreciate that.

And in return, I'll really try to be

more flexible.

Hey, see what a little communication can do?

Well, I think we've all become a little closer here. We should toast this

occasion.

That's a good idea.

Yeah, come on, Dad, make it tough.

Well, uh, all right, uh, to...

To... Communication.

Communication.

And to dribble glasses.

Hi, Elf.

Hi, Willie.

Night, Elf.

Night, Willie.