Original subtitles

Just try it again. This time, I'll get it.

Okay, tell me what I'm thinking.

Okay.

You're thinking of... Florence Henderson.

I'm thinking of a fork.

But wasn't her maiden name Florence Fork?

False enough.

All right, think of something else.

Okay.

You're thinking of...

The 1927 Yankees.

I'm still thinking of a fork.

But didn't one of their pitchers throw a fork ball?

I don't know. Well, trust me, he did.

Hi, guys.

Hello.

Oh, we're okay. Don't get up.

I wasn't going to.

Guess what? Al can read our minds.

He's not reading mine at the moment.

Yes, I am.

I'm just ignoring it.

He's teaching me metal telepathy.

I think you mean mental telepathy.

Maybe it is metal. All he keeps thinking about is forks.

How to develop your psychic awareness in one afternoon.

We sent you away for it. Yeah, came with a pair of these x -ray glasses.

You wasted good money on a mind -reading kit.

We'll make it all back with our stock market picks.

Al, you come from an advanced civilization. How can you be so

You're right.

I'm ashamed.

Nice underwear, Kate.

Everyone's here.

Where's Kate?

In the shower.

Thanks.

He wouldn't.

He might.

He did.

Found her.

You don't walk into other people's showers.

I didn't walk in. I just pulled the curtain open.

That you respect my wife's privacy.

I didn't know she was going to be naked.

Don't you ever do that again.

All right, all right. We're moving on.

I need to have a family meeting here.

We'll call back.

You do that again, you're a seat cover.

Do what again?

You know...

hanging up the phone like that.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

You look a little different today.

Oh, I know. Did you used to have a mustache?

No, I got my braces off.

Yeah, but didn't you used to have a mustache, too?

Al, what do you have to say that's so important?

Today is March the 1st.

You'd better not be finished.

I wasn't.

Tomorrow... is the second.

I'm calling Mindy back. Wait, wait, wait. Come here. Come back here.

Every 75 years on March 2nd, I go through a complex physiological

and psychological transformation.

What?

I go goofy.

All Milmachians go through it. From sunrise to sunset, my personality will

change dramatically.

How dramatic is this change?

One never knows till it happens.

But expect the unexpected.

Wildly erratic behavior.

Personality shifts.

The main thing is that I'll do anything to get out of that cage and get my hands

on a cat.

Any questions?

I have one.

You and the tie.

What cage?

Oh, the cage you're going to build for me. The one with the reinforced sides.

Let me get this straight.

You're going to act strange, and you're going to eat cat.

So what's the change?

It's a matter of degree.

Imagine elf to the tenth power.

It boggles the mind.

Excuse me, Willie.

Not now, Alf. I'm trying to finish this cage. Will you talk to me later?

What would be good to tell you it's all wrong?

What's wrong with it?

Well, for one thing, it's too small.

I'm going to need much more room for writhing and thrashing.

Oh, Alf, you didn't say anything about writhing and thrashing.

I thought it was a given.

Look, I found this photo album in my spaceship.

I think there's a picture in here of the last cage we built.

Yeah, here it is.

Well, that doesn't look anything like what I built. That's all iron and steel.

Yeah, and the inside is padded.

Well, I haven't got time not to rebuild this whole cage.

Oh, look.

That's my cousin Kendall.

Step -cousin, actually.

That's him with his first car.

Al. Oh, look, here.

Here's my godson, Jed.

That must have been taken at his 100th birthday party.

That's me on the pony.

You photograph very well.

You know, I never thought so.

Look, Al, what if I just try to reinforce what I've got here?

Good idea.

He hates California.

It's cold and it's damp. Mr. Rachmaninoff.

He's on his way over. Come on, Al. Get in here. High, quick.

But I like Sinatra.

Especially the early years. Move it!

It's dark in there.

Go!

That's why the lady is a tramp.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's why the lady, that's why the lady, that's why the lady is a

tramp.

You think the chairman too, huh? Chairman? Yes. Oh, yes, of the board.

I'm quite fond of his work, especially the early years. Tell me about it.

What are you, shipping a monkey?

No, no, no, no monkey. No, no, no.

I'm just building a little storage shed because I need a little storage. Yeah.

I've been trying to get Raquel to build one for months.

Oh, hey, hey.

Hey, Trevor, can I ask you a little favor?

Sure, neighbor. Well, you know, Kate and I are having our house sprayed for...

Silverfish.

I just wondered if it would be all right if you guys could watch our cat.

Oh, well, Raquel's allergic to cats.

Her feet swell up. All the pizza sisters have it.

Oh, gee, then never mind.

You know what?

He could... with me in a bedroom, Raquel could sleep on a couch. Oh, I couldn't

ask her to do that. I could.

Don't worry about it.

You know, Raquel and I were just saying the other day, we never see you and Mrs.

T anymore. Well, Kate and I have been up to our necks with alf... alfalfa.

Alfalfa?

Yeah, Kate planted all this... alfalfa.

That's why we got all those new tools we gotta put in our new tool shed.

In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if it was the alfalfa that

caused the alfalfa fish.

Excuse me.

Is everything in there?

Yes. Pillow, owl costume, and hash brown potatoes.

You didn't drain the grease, did you?

Oh, and your Danish postcards are in there, too.

Danish postcards?

They're pictures of Danishes.

Well, I guess it's that time.

Good luck, Al.

Thanks, Brian.

Now, remember, Willie, you are not, I repeat, not to let me out of here under

any circumstances.

Is that clear?

Yes. Good.

Now let me out. I have to use the little alien's room.

Oh, sure.

What are you doing?

Are you crazy?

Didn't I say not to open this door under any circumstance?

Well, I thought... I thought you really had to go.

You have a lunatic on your hands here.

You've got to be prepared for all kinds of diabolical pricks. Okay.

Okay.

You know...

Maybe I should go just to be on the safe side.

Forget it. Good.

You're finally catching on.

Now, now let me out. I have to go.

Oh, no.

Oh!

Maybe he's in pain.

That's just another one of his tricks.

Help! Help! Fire! Somebody let me out!

He's lying.

Oh, there's a big rat in here.

Badly.

Oh, Lenny, that sounded just like you.

Wow, he's really good.

Excuse me, but this is really weird. I can't watch.

Wait for me!

Wait for me!

Did I say that?

Brian, you better go to your room, too. This could get out of hand.

This could get out of hand. This could get out of hand.

He's good. He's very, very good.

He's almost as good as Rich Little.

Can Rich Little do this? Can Rich Little do this?

It's gonna be a long night.

Yo, B, Brian!

Where you going?

To get some milk.

Oh, yeah, that would sure hit the spot.

Hey, come here.

I'm not supposed to talk to you.

Not talk to your old buddy?

You don't have to be afraid.

It's over.

I'm back to my old self.

Come on, let me out.

You said not until sunrise.

Brian, it's me, the old Alper, the guy who taught you how to read minds.

In fact, I know what you're thinking right now.

What? That you want to let your old pal out of this cage, right?

No, I'm thinking of a fork.

What's that?

Oh, it's my alarm.

It's sunrise.

You can let me out now.

But it's still dark.

Not on Melmac.

See, that's the time we go by.

Oh, I made it. Open up.

Are you sure? I'm sure, I'm sure. Open up. I'm hungry.

Okay.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, hey, would you check in that cage?

I left my hash brown bucket in there.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Mom! Dad!

Mom! Dad! Let me out!

Oh, boy, he does a good Brian.

You'd hardly know it was out.

It's me!

It's really me!

Nice try.

Honey, honey, maybe it is Brian.

But that can't be. Brian's in bed.

Brian! What?

Not you.

Brian! What?

I'll go check his room.

Honey! Honey! It looks just like Brian.

Maybe Alf can change his shape, too.

No, he can't. It's me.

All right.

All right. If you're really Brian, what's your favorite food?

Spaghetti. That's ridiculous.

his favorite food? Well, I thought it was Lynn liked spaghetti.

No. No?

No. He's not back there.

What's your favorite food?

I don't know.

White boiled potato.

I thought you liked spaghetti.

It's all right. All right? It's fine.

Willie, Willie, I'm going to open this case. No, no, wait.

What's your mother's maiden name?

What's a maiden name?

Well, you know, it's the name that she had before she was married.

Hey. No, her other name, her last name.

Oh, Brian, honey. Are you all right? What happened to Alf?

I let him go.

Oh, honey, I'll go check out back.

Brian, why?

He told me the change was over.

I'm really sorry.

Oh, honey, it's all right. But what were you doing up in the middle of the

night? I thought I wanted some milk.

Maybe it was Alf trying to call me in my mind. No, I don't think so, Brian.

The gate to the Ocmonix is wide open. Oh, no.

Lucky's over there.

I'm going to go next door and see if Alf is there.

You stay here in case he comes back.

Oh, well, you'd both better go back to bed.

I can't sleep now.

I'm hungry.

All right. All right. We'll stay up and have a snack. What would you like?

White bread and potatoes.

I'm coming, I'm coming. Keep your shorts on.

What would that be at this time of night?

It's probably the airport asking you to keep it down.

All right, all right, all right.

Hey, turn it. Trevor.

Hello, Willie. Hi, Raquel.

I'm sorry to bother you this late at night, but I just came over.

I was hoping I could get lucky.

I mean lucky, our cat.

Oh. At this time of night?

Well... We were worried about him.

It's his first night away from home.

Yeah, I had a feeling.

Raquel, get the cat.

I can't go near that cat. You know it makes my feet swell.

Oh, yeah.

Then you'll be wearing my shoes again.

I'll get the cat.

I'm sorry, Raquel.

That's all right. Willie, can I get you something?

I just bought one of those international coffees. No.

Something without caffeine.

I don't know.

No, I don't need anything from the kitchen. I can't find the little fella

anywhere.

Hey, what's going on in the kitchen?

How long do you preheat these for a cat?

Is it a toaster or is it an oven?

Why are you holding it?

Haven't you ever felt the need just to hold the thing?

I just found the strangest thing, an open can of minestrone in the kitchen.

Oh, that was probably the cat.

You can't open thin cans?

It's amazing, I know.

We're trying to get them on Letterman.

That better not be my cologne.

We're going home.

I want that cat. No.

All right.

Who needs him? There are a million cats out there. Give me your car keys. Alf,

we're going to go home right now.

No.

You broke my glass eye.

I'll buy you another one. You got that right.

Raquel, that sounds like you're riding more.

Oh, no. Hey.

my poster of it.

Unit 6, street cat at 13145 Julio Street.

What? Julio Street?

I hate this town.

Where was that again?

Uh, uh, 13145 Julio Street. Oh, no.

I've never seen that coming.

What?

Running out of a little flag.

Pete's house of pets.

Well, here's 105th and Decker. Look down. It's nowhere near Julio Street.

Alf can't be doing all those things.

Oh, you're right, of course. How far could he get on a lawnmower?

All units in the vicinity proceed to County Zoo.

Investigate the report of a missing tiger.

Oh, my gosh, Alf.

Even Alf would have more than to kidnap a tiger.

Yeah, you're right.

Lenny, let's get in the car, drive around the neighborhood one more time,

we can find him. But what if he's not the tiger?

Then he won't be hard to spot.

Hey, where are you guys off to at four in the morning?

Oh, just going out for a drive.

Keep an eye out for Raquel's lawnmower, huh?

Say, Trevor, speaking of eye out...

I'm really sorry about what happened to your... Hey, forget about it. I got a

drawer full of them.

Listen, I know we don't talk much and this may not be the right time, but...

I'm not a happy man.

No luck?

Nope. We didn't find the lawnmower, though.

Oh, good. I won't have to buy Raquel a new one.

You will if you can't get the bonsai trees out of the blade.

Anything on the police scanner?

Just a couple of domestic spats.

One of them was at the Archmonica.

Maya? Honey, you have a headache?

No, I'm thinking of a fork.

I'm trying to get Elf back.

Metal telepathy.

I'm the one who let him get away.

I've got to make him come back.

Honey, he'll come back when he can.

If he can.

When? Well, by now his 12 hours are up. I'm sure he'd come out of it and he

might not know where he is. That something terrible could have happened.

Let's just try to think positively about this, okay? I'm sure that he'll be home

soon. And he never misses Captain Kangaroo.

Excuse me, but do you good people have a fork?

Fine, we can work.

Are you all right?

Yeah, yeah, fine.

Why do you ask? We were so worried. Where were you?

Out. Do you think this thing has run its course now?

To quote Yogi Berra, it ain't over till it's over.

There's still one more stage.

What stage is that?

Quoting people.

And, as Mercutio said, all's well that ends well.

No, no, no. Mercutio said, it is not so deep as a well, but it is enough to

observe. Oh, right.

But to err is human. To forgive divine.

Plutarch, I believe.

Well, at least you're recovered.

Sort of.

Yeah. Or as Marcel Proust said, We are healed of suffering only by

experiencing it to the full.

Or was that Marcel Marceau?

No, that couldn't be right.

Marcel Marceau said...

Or

in the words of Dustin, it ill becomes us to jest at a fallen

potentate.

And still less before he has fallen.

Say, how much longer are you going to do this?

Well, if I may quote Porky Pig... That's all, folks.

And speaking of Porky... Do I smell bacon?

No. Well, I'd like to.

I thought you spent the whole night eating... Eating cat.

I don't think I did.

At least, I don't feel bloated.

But now that you mention cats, I do remember storing something in the

The garage?

You, this way.

If you've stolen any cats, they're going back immediately.

You understand?

No problem.

I'll take him back right after breakfast.