Original subtitles

Hey, why are you pounding nails in our front door? To keep the sign from

falling. Don't you know anything about gravity?

Give me the hammer.

Thanks for offering, but the job's already done.

Morning. Morning, Dad.

Have you practiced the poem?

Yes, Alf, but I... But nothing.

Let's hear it.

Goodbye, Grandma.

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

Goodbye, Grandma.

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

Maybe another goodbye in there.

What's this stuff in this bag?

I prepared a little flight kit. Nothing special, just a few travel necessities.

I emphasize the word travel.

Magazines, Kleenex.

Rough mints, antacids, and a moist towelette.

If she stops for anything, she might miss her plane.

I'm very thoughtful of you. And of course, the bag will come in handy in

turbulence.

Or if they show Howard the Duck.

Guess what?

I'm not leaving.

Why not?

Now, don't be rude.

Why not, Dorothy?

I could just kill Estelle.

She's decided to spend a few more days with her daughter. Now, where does that

leave me and all my plans?

Honestly, I hate doing this, but, well, I'm going to have to stay here a little

while longer.

You know, there's a nice motel down the street.

Just a thought.

thinks it might be Jeremy because of the fake bracelet incident with Nina on

Devil's Island.

What are

you watching?

Right now, your rear end.

I can't believe you're actually watching Midwest General.

What's wrong with Midwest General? Total flea.

All you see is violence, revenge, murder.

That's not true.

Gomez just entered a short story contest.

Hey, what do you think you're doing? Turning on a good soap opera.

One world to hope for.

That's not a soap opera. That's a sleeping pill.

Quiet. I don't see what's happening.

I'll tell you what's happening. The same thing that was happening a year ago.

The show needs a plot transplant.

Butch, I really want you to know how proud we are of what you did in that

farmhouse.

But Mom, that was almost a year ago. No kidding.

forget. The very next day, I conceived Allison.

I was wrong.

It was two years ago.

Boring!

Give me that back.

What do you see in this thing?

I see love, compassion, warmth, concern for humanity.

Incidentally, when are you leaving?

Soon. I'm leaving soon.

You were supposed to leave last week.

You can see my bags are packed, ready to go.

I'm leaving when I'm leaving.

Well, I'm glad we narrowed it down.

No wonder you can't appreciate one world to hope for. You see, the people on

this show, they care about each other.

That's because they share a common bond.

Bad scripts.

Lucky can write better than that.

I could write better than that.

You write? When would you find time? If you're not stuffing your snout, you're

watching television.

Al! What?

You know what? I want to see the x -rays! No! Let me guess.

Arguing about the television again.

Well, Kate, you know how much I love One World to Hope for.

The orange bath mat here won't let me watch.

Orange bath mat?

Listen here, you Bronx giraffe.

My mother is a guest in this house. I want you to treat her like one.

Well, thank you, Kate.

Guest? Isn't there a statute of limitations on that word? Al.

Kate, the woman doesn't respond to subtle hints.

Al, my mother is welcome to stay here as long as she wants.

However long that may be.

As a matter of fact, Mom, why don't I put your suitcases in the closet?

Oh, sure, honey, if you feel they're in the way.

Dust off the cobwebs first.

You

feel

like going out?

Yeah. Let's party.

Gee, I wish she wouldn't let it get to you.

You know where she is right now?

She is at the market buying a decent tile cleaner.

Decent tile cleaner?

This should be gone in a couple of weeks. Sure.

First she said a few more days, then she said another week, now she says two

more weeks. She didn't know that Estelle was going to sprain her ankle, you

know. What is a woman Estelle's age doing on a skateboard?

And why does Mother have to wait for her anyway? She's a grown woman. She can

fly by herself.

She's a grown woman.

You're going to put that bag down, honey. You're going to cut off your

That's what I'm trying to do.

You've got to try and pin her down, Kate.

Good idea.

I'll get the pins.

We'll handle this.

We'll handle this. That's right. She's my mother.

There's the word mother capitalized.

Say, what are you writing down over there anyway?

Oh, me?

No, the man in the moon.

Oh, Fred.

I don't know. He never writes. He never calls.

Hurry up. The show's about to start.

I can't believe you're actually forcing me to watch One World to Hope For. Well,

this is a very special episode.

Now sit in the middle here, Dottie Kins. Best seat in the house.

Yesterday you said the fireplace was the best seat in the house. That was

yesterday.

Look, there's Alf's name.

Written by Alf Shumway? You wrote a TV script?

Yes, I wrote it.

What, all you have to do is write a script and they'll put it on the air?

Well, you have to send it in first.

Oh, it's starting.

It's your mother, isn't it?

Yes.

She's been here forever.

Well, what is she talking about? That character doesn't even have a mother.

She's driving me crazy.

Do you know where she is right now?

At the market.

Buying a decent tile cleaner.

Put the bag down, Monica. You'll cut off your oxygen.

That's what I'm trying to do.

I have to stir the cheese.

Sit still, Kate. The cheese can wait.

Why don't you just pin her down and ask her when she's going to leave?

Good idea.

I'll get the pens.

My mother's here.

Back with the tile cleaner.

Hello, Mother.

Hello, Dorothy.

Her name is Dorothy?

Yeah, but that's not the right tile cleaner.

Why are you staring at me like that?

You look like you want to ask me something.

Well, actually, I do.

So? Go on, ask me.

When are you going to leave already?

Leave? You want me to leave?

No, I want the man in the moon to leave.

Yes, I want you to leave. I want you to go home and live with your friend, Crazy

Miriam.

Mom, wait.

Thanks a hell of a lot.

Worked for me.

How can I write dialogue if nobody's going to talk?

Come on, people.

I've got a deadline.

You've got a poison pen, is what you've got.

Turning our private conversations into a public spectacle. How insensitive can

you get?

Hey, would you mind if I taped this?

There will be no tape recording and no writing.

Kate, that's dangerously close to censorship.

You are dangerously close to being evicted. Point made.

Look, I realize what I did was wrong, but I'm going to make it up to you in

new script.

Well, I'm glad somebody cares about my feelings.

Oh, Mom, I care about your feelings. I'm sorry that I hurt you. It's okay.

Listen, maybe I should leave.

I'll call Estelle. I'll go home today.

I thought Jo had a sprained leg.

Uh... It wasn't her leg.

It was her ankle.

And I made it up.

What?

Well, I made it up. I made up the whole story about her ankle because I didn't

want you to know that I couldn't stand my best friend anymore.

I mean, she was impossible to live with, so I left.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you telling me that you...

Moved out of Estelle's house?

Yes.

Well, you can't stay here.

How would you like to become a sweater?

Have Dorothy burst into flames.

Why didn't you tell me about you and Estelle before?

Well, you would just feel sorry for me, and then you'd ask me to stay.

Good, good. Work it out.

I don't have to feel sorry for you to ask you to stay in my house.

Are you asking me to stay?

I'll get the phone.

Yeah, then leave it off the hook, will you? We're on a roll.

Hello?

Who?

Oh.

Yes.

Yes.

It's for you. The head writer on One World to Hope For wants to know where

script is. Says they're shooting it tomorrow.

Oh, good.

And I don't have squat.

Hello, Trish, doll.

Yeah. Yeah, oh, I know I said I'd have it in your hands today, but I had to

a few changes.

Yeah, oh, it's a much better script now.

I thought you didn't have squat.

Uh, Trish, quick thought.

How do you feel about having a cat on the show? A speaking part?

Yeah, you're right. Two sitcoms.

Well, anyway, here's the new ending I decided to go with.

See, I think we need to put more warmth and likability into these characters.

You all right?

Oh, yeah.

Everything's fine.

Why?

Why do you have those clothespins attached to your head?

It's a form of acupressure.

On Melmac, we use it to relieve writer's block.

Still in trouble with the script, eh?

Read it yourself.

Scene one, interior living root.

Interior living root.

It's a typo. I mean, give me a break. I've only got eight fingers. I'm sorry.

Monica enters.

She says, good morning.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Willie, there's no one else in the room with her.

I've got the woman talking to chairs.

I'll never have this finished by tomorrow.

Listen, you ought to try to relax, Alf.

Relax? Sure, relax.

I've got a deadline.

I mean, I promised to put likability and warmth into these characters.

You know, I had a case of writer's block once.

I was writing a term paper for my art history class.

Or was it my comparative religion class?

What are you, dictating your autobiography?

I'm trying to help here.

Well, you're not. Well, look, why don't you just start writing? Write anything

that comes into your head. Just put down the first thing that pops into your

head. Fine.

I have writer's block.

Monica wouldn't say that. See, Monica wouldn't say that.

Don't panic.

Don't be so nervous.

Nervous? I've had 50 cups of coffee. I'm so wired, I had to strap myself to this

chair. Is that my belt?

If you're not going to help, go back in the house.

I can't go back in the house. There are two women in there who aren't speaking

to each other, or to me, or to you, in fact.

Alf, you've written us into this mess.

Now you've got to write us out.

All right. All right. I will.

Put on another pot of coffee.

And get some more clothespins.

You're all going to love this episode. I promise.

This script is so full of love, compassion, and understanding that...

You'll throw up.

That's good.

Oh, hi. I'm sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything?

Just lunch.

Oh, I needed some blintzes on a plate near the stove. Oh, those were for him?

We still have the plate.

I don't eat, don't wear.

Unlike some people.

Look, look, there's the mother. How about that, huh? They even dressed her

nicer.

Good morning.

Mother.

Does this mean you're speaking to me again?

Monica, you're my daughter, not some alien from another planet.

I wrote that as a joke. They left it in.

Mothers and daughters are bound to have their little quarrels and conflicts.

It's part of this whole wonderful thing we call life.

You're right. It is nauseating.

I think it's sweet.

I mean, it lets us know that just because a person says a few unkind

about someone, it doesn't mean that they don't love them.

So, by the same token, I hope you'll be able to forgive me when I tell you

what an ungrateful, self -centered little tramp you are.

Self -centered little tramp?

Just who do you think you're talking to, you bossy, loud -mouthed freeloader?

Tram?

Freeloader? They changed my script.

Now, calm down, Monica. She's not worth it.

Ha! That's not what you said when you left my bedroom last night.

They changed the script.

She's lying.

I never went anywhere near her bedroom.

And she's done nothing but lies since the moment she walked into this house

told us she'd only be here a few days.

I am not going to sit here and eat toast and listen to this.

Alf, how could you?

I'm telling you I didn't.

They were hugging and kissing in my script.

I had nothing about toast.

When did you see that centerpiece?

I mean, who's doing props over there? Rip Taylor?

Well, I am sick. Think of having this entire visit shoved in my face.

Where are the famous suitcases?

Mom, I don't want you to go.

Well, once again, you've brought harmony to our household.

That's not what I wrote.

Here. Here. This is what I wrote. Read it.

There's not one word of violence in there.

And I cut out all the sex, too.

Sex? What sex?

Who had said?

It's gone, I said.

You know, I think I was telling the truth.

Thank you.

I mean, about the fight, anyway, there's no fight in here.

But you do use a lot of you knows.

I know.

Well, I'm just going to pack the rest of my things.

Come back here. You're not going anywhere.

I mean, not until you read the scene I really wrote.

You could at least give me that.

But you just give me one good reason why I should.

Okay, I'll give you one reason.

Kate.

Now, come on. Turn to page 18.

Let's all read it out loud.

Kate, you be Monica.

Dorothy, why don't you be Dorothy?

Mom, it's not that I don't want you to live here. It's just that I'm a married

woman.

I have a life of my own, you know.

This is so silly.

Come on, come on. Just read it.

You're right. It was wrong of me to impose.

But, you know, I just couldn't help it. I tried. But, you know, I couldn't.

You do use a lot of you knows.

They're calling a drop -off.

Say, doesn't the father have any lines?

Willie, sometimes less is more.

Monica?

You feel a little lost since Dad died, don't you?

It's not easy living alone.

That's why I moved in with Miriam, crazy as she is. It was someone to talk to,

you know?

Now that one worked.

I like to be with people.

I like to take care of them.

Maybe I go too far sometimes. That's because I care too much.

Miriam asked you to move out, didn't she?

Yes.

Estelle asked you to move out?

That's why your mom came here.

She didn't want to be alone again.

How did you know?

Writer's intuition.

I also called Estelle.

And by the way, you're right. She is crazy.

Estelle told me that I was bossy and meddlesome and she couldn't stand

day living with me.

I don't care what Estelle said.

You're my mother and I love you.

I don't know what to say.

Right there, middle of the page.

The script.

Oh.

You know what, Monica?

My best friend didn't kick me out.

My best friend is right here.

Oh, Mom.

No, no, no. First you open the champagne.

Then you hug.

Nobody reads stage directions.

She's a baby.

Dating? I know.

Hi, honey.

Hi, guys.

Willie.

Willie.

Willie, are you all right?

Yeah. Yeah. Say, Dorothy.

Are you sure you don't want me to store these up in the attic?

No, Willie.

Listen, I plan to find a place of my own as soon as possible.

Well, you know, you're more than welcome to stay here as long as you like.

Now, I know that, kids, but Alf is right.

I've got to try... Wait a minute, how do you phrase that?

I've got to start to make a life of my own.

Alf told you that?

Well, not exactly.

It's in his new script.

New script?

Alf, would you come out here? We'd like to talk to you for a minute.

Make it quick, Kate.

Things have just started to flow again.

Alf, I thought that you gave up script writing.

Yeah, I thought you were so upset with the rewrites you were never going to

write another script again.

I wasn't. So what happened?

The check came.