Original subtitles

Thank you so much for coming.

Welcome to the end.

Every one of these guys is amazing. I know you guys love them, so when they

up here, give them all the love in the world and go with it. Don't judge them.

mean, judge them horribly, but fucking enjoy it while you're there. We're all

a fucking sweet, iconic place, so let's do this.

Ladies and gentlemen, you know I'm as half

of the...

Tuesdays with Stories podcast.

One of my best friends, Mr. Joe Lentz, everybody!

Give her a round of applause!

I used to have a serious drinking

problem. That's crucial for this story.

This is a story about one time when I had a girlfriend, a very serious

girlfriend. I thought it was serious. She didn't think it was that serious,

evidently. We lived together, and then she broke up with me, and I tried to get

back out there. That's what you got to do. You got to go, you know what I mean?

Find some other fish.

I wasn't confident. I was never good at getting laid. Like, I was like, nobody

told me that I could get laid, or maybe you're thinking you couldn't, whatever.

Like, one time I was on a date with a woman, and I farted. I didn't know that

was a big deal.

Like, we were chatting, and I was like, ah, and I just farted.

And then she went, oh, try harder.

And I was like, if I try harder, I'm going to shit my pants. But I'll do my

best. I don't want to... So I had this girlfriend. I had a girlfriend that

I was madly in love with. I thought she was in love with me, whatever.

Did you ever have this in a relationship where everything was going great and I

felt like, oh man, she loves me. And she left her Gmail open one time. So I was

like, let me search my name to see what she's been saying about me. And you guys

are already like, that's a fucking horrible idea.

think we weren't together that long i didn't think it would be like anything

because we were so madly in love and then i found a conversation that

we were in love it was her and her best friend talking and she's talking to her

best friend she said i just met this guy he's the funniest guy i've ever met i

mean folk right she said he's so sweet unattractive but just a great guy

that's what i read so she thinks i'm ugly and i was like fucking this is sort

horrible

Then she came home and she's like, how you doing? You look great.

And I was like, fucking do I, bitch?

Do I look great?

And so I was obviously heartbroken, but I didn't want to bring it up to her

because I didn't want her to know I was looking at her shit, you know? And I was

telling my buddy, my buddy's like, dude, you got to break up with this woman.

Like, this is awful.

She doesn't find you attractive. And I'm like, well, this isn't a great time to

break up and go hit the scene. Like, I'm not. bring me confidence after i found

out the love of my life describes me as unattractive that's not like a great

time to be like fuck you bitch i'm going out there you know so anyways it was

bad but then she ended up moving away she moved to uh argentina she was one of

those women that's like i'm just going for it first she was like i'm moving to

argentina and i was like what's that upstate

It's in South America. It's a whole thing. So she left, and I was

very heartbroken. But I was like, you got to meet someone, find someone, go

laid, whatever.

And I didn't like anybody. You know, I was, like, heartbroken. But then I

at a comedy club here in New York City that's now gone, but it's called

Caroline's. I don't know why I'm hiding the – yeah, fucking – all right.

Well, there was a woman that worked at the door. If you remember, you remember

the club.

Upstairs, there was like a little window where the ticket lady worked, and I had

kind of a nice rapport. I'm a very charming guy. I'd be like, hey, could

this in half for me? And she'd be like, ha -ha, whatever, you know.

And I thought, maybe this could be the girl.

She's way better than that bitch that I'm in love with who thinks I'm ugly.

So anyways, one time we were...

All the comics were talking. We're like, well, we'll just invite her out in a

group, which is better than a date, you know, because you don't have to ask the

person out. You get to show off your personality.

So we had a big group hang going.

And I went out and I was like, I got to pregame a little bit. And long story

short, I did a bunch of shots and beers and got a good glaze, like a nice 15

drinks before the hang, you know.

Then we all met up. We went to this old bar called Barcelona Bar. I don't know

if you guys ever went there. It's in New York City. I think it's still there,

maybe. Is it still there?

It's a great bar. It's a shot bar. They specialize in shots. Like, they have a

big menu. Like, there's a Harry Potter shot, and they put a hat on, and they

light shit on fire and say, woogly -doo, or whatever. I don't know.

Despite my look, I've never actually seen or read Harry Potter. I don't.

I look like I'm in the fucking thing. I don't know anything about it. And then

there's like a Top Gun shot and they play like, it's a great bar. Go, leave

in. Plug it, plug away for Barcelona Bar. There's a full metal jacket where

put on a helmet and call you a faggot or something. It's like really like,

they're like, you motherfucker, get down. You're like, ah, it's a fun place.

And we used to go, and I used to do, my favorite shot was the Golden Girls shot

because I love that song. It's like my favorite song ever. The fucking, thank

you for being a friend.

And so I would order that. They don't do anything. They don't put on wigs or

make any funny jokes.

They just play the song.

So anyways, I thought it'd be, I'm like, give me, I kept lining up Golden Girls

shots. And then after a while, I was like just visibly in a blackout because

love Golden Girls theme song.

And I was like, one more round.

of fucking Golden Girls, because that's how I thought you get laid. You show off

your love for the Golden Girls theme.

And then I went to the bathroom and just threw up in the sink, which is

hilarious also, by the way. You guys probably already are like, that's a

place. Because there's a toilet, and I was like, I'm going sink. It's a little

higher.

And then somebody went in and was like, somebody threw up in the sink. And I was

like, fucking sons of bitches.

What the hell?

And I just, yeah, I was like, who the fuck would do that?

Anyways.

Then after I had thrown up, I was like, let me get another round of Golden

Girls. You guys want to hear the song?

And finally the bartender went, you know, we could just play the song if you

want. You don't have to drink the shot. And I was like, really? And he's like,

yeah, just put on the fucking song for this guy.

Anyways, at this point I should let you know, the next day, this is on a, I

forget, it doesn't matter what night of the week, maybe a Sunday or something.

And the next day I was flying to Seattle, Washington, which is a long

you're not familiar with the country.

We're here in New York. This was in New York City. And I was flying, and I was

going to Seattle for one full month. There's a Seattle comedy competition.

like a legendary contest. It's a month long. So I was about to fly across the

country for 30 days, hadn't packed, and I had a 10 .30 a .m. flight, and it's

like 2 in the morning.

And they're like, we're going downtown to 13th Step, which is the bar. I'm just

plugging all the bars. Oh, yeah, you know that one. All right. Okay, great.

So we went down there. My friend is a bartender there, Jason Cantor, wonderful

comedian. He was the bartender, and I was like, he can hook us up. And I keep

thinking, I'm going to get laid. They know I love the Golden Girls.

They know I'm fun.

Now they're going to see me getting hooked up at a bar. I got friends in

places, you know.

So we went down there, and now it starts to get a little hazy. We're playing

beer pong. I'm, like, kind of brown out. At one point, I remember I was sitting

talking to this woman at the bar. Finally, I had some one -on -one time,

was this kind of drunk. I kept telling her, like, I was like, you hate me. You

know those people that's like, you fucking hate me. I can tell. I suck. I

like that guy.

And then she went to the bathroom, and my buddy was the bartender, and he's

like, dude, you got to stop saying that. She likes you. That's why she's talking

to you.

And I was like, that's fucking, that's a great point, man.

And then she came back and I went, you fucking love me. You're fucking in love

with me.

It's so obvious.

And so that was kind of where I was as a drunk. And then I realized, oh my God,

I got to fly to Seattle. And I had about 15 friends there, friends and then

friends of friends.

And so I said, I got to go. I got a big flight. We got each other's number.

Great night.

You fucking, thank you for being my friend. And then I left.

And now I don't know what happened the next hour and a half, but evidently I

showed back up at the bar like 90 minutes later. It's now like 3 .30 in

morning, and I just walked in.

And this is only, I'm telling you from people that have told me, and then I

walked in. They were like, I thought you left.

And I went, I did.

And then I just went to the bar.

So I don't know where I went. I was gone for 90 minutes in the East Village

somewhere, but I showed back up.

Eventually, my friend, another friend, a comedian, he was like, we all lived in

Astoria, Queens, these two women and me and my buddy. And so we said, we're

going back to Astoria. Somehow I was charming enough to get invited back to

these women's house.

So then we're outside of a bodega right outside of their apartment, like

downstairs. And now I kind of came to, I'm buying beer, which is hilarious

because I've already been throwing up and I'm barfing.

Outside in front of the apartment, my buddy was, like, slapping me. He's like,

hey, man, you got to get your act together. We're going upstairs.

And I was like, all right, I got it. Let me get some beers.

So we go up. The last thing I kind of remember is sitting on their couch

watching TV, possibly Golden Girls. Hard to know.

I remember this song in my head.

Anyways, I woke up, and it's about, I don't know.

I have a 10 .30 a .m. flight. I wake up.

It's about 9 .45 a .m.

And I'm about 45 minutes from the airport. I wake up, and what I remember

distinctly is I had to piss so bad. Like, you know when you have 58 beers,

you're just like, I am going to piss my pants. And I was in a woman's bed. I

just knew I was in a bed, in my underwear, and I couldn't find my

glasses wearer, Harry Potter. I couldn't find them, and I was like, I'll find

them later, because if I piss in this woman's bed, I'll never get another

So I found the bathroom.

And I just remember urinating for about, oh, 10, 15 minutes straight. One of

those pisses.

And thinking through the night, like, where am I? How did I get here?

What's going on? I don't feel great.

I have a flight soon. I haven't found my phone yet. I finish pissing, and then I

walk through the living room, and the table is just destroyed.

Like, just Chris Farley. Like, the legs are broken.

It's smashed.

There's grass. And I don't know if you ever had this when you were drinking,

where you see something, and you're like...

That was me. I feel like that was me. Like, you know that?

I don't know what happened here, but that's got my fingerprints all over it.

That feels like it might have been. And now I'm starting to get this feeling. I

think this might not have gone my way.

But I'm like, it doesn't matter. I got to get the fuck out of here because I

haven't packed.

And my flight leaves in 11 minutes and I live an hour from the airport.

So I go back into the bedroom. I retraced my steps, which was easy to do

there was footprints leading back.

And the footprints consisted of human shit.

Yeah, which is another one of those, I think this might have been me, too. So I

just saw a little brown speckle through the kitchen and went, oh, boy, they

probably got a dog, surely, I bet. And then I walked in to the bedroom where I

had been, and there was a pair of high -top Nike sneakers with about an 8 -inch

spiky shit just sitting on the top.

Just hanging on the shoe.

I'm the bad guy in the story. I know that. I don't want you guys to think.

And they were also right next to that. The shoes were together like this. Very

neatly put together. Big shit sticking out. It had broken off on top because I

walked through it, of course.

And then there was a big round puddle of piss. And it was the same thing of

like, well, that was me also, I feel like.

So I found my glasses, found my phone. I realize it's about 10 .15. I'm in big

trouble. Immediately, I text the woman. I go, oh, my God, I'm so, so sorry.

I will kill myself. That's my promise to you.

I'm a piece of shit.

And then I put the phone away and start trying to clean up the shit. But I'm

also in a hurry because I've got to catch this flight by God.

So I took my socks and I put them on like a puppet and kind of, I picked up

biggest pieces I could find, like a little, like a shit -eating sock puppet,

know.

I turned the sock inside out, tossed that in the trash, their trash, and I

to wipe it off the floor, but it was pretty in there, you know.

I did what I could.

And then as I'm getting ready to find my stuff and leave, I hear, and it's a

text, and I open the phone, and it's from the woman, and she wrote back,

worry about it.

We all get a little crazy sometimes, and I thought, this fucking girl parties.

This lady's hardcore. All right, so I'm off the hook. I put the phone in, run to

my house, pack, go to the airport. Obviously, I missed my flight. And now

is where comedians are both great friends and horrible friends.

Because I texted one comedian, and I was like, I shit all over this girl's shoe

in a first date.

And he wrote, dude, I've done that like six times.

So you're like, oh, all right, maybe that's not so bad. And then you guys

probably know Nate Bargatze, good friend of mine.

Well, he had been there earlier in the night, and I called him, and he...

laughed harder than I've ever heard anybody laugh. For like 25 minutes

just belly laughing, crying.

And between these two calls, I'm like, maybe I'm not such a bad guy. I'm

hilarious.

So I fly across the country. It's a six and a half hour flight. I'm in a middle

seat, by the way. Haven't showered.

But I'm kind of relaxed. Back then, you had to be on airplane mode. There was no

Wi -Fi. So I'm kind of relaxing. The woman didn't seem too mad.

Nate thinks it's hilarious.

My other buddy's done it a few times himself, so I'm relaxing it. I fold my

over like this. There's shit all the way up my jeans.

So I just kind of quietly put it back down, just like, huh.

And then I had to kind of pretend I was farting. Like, I was like, oh, my belly,

boy. I didn't want them to be like, this guy has shit on him. So I was kind of,

oh, jeez, wow.

I land, turn my phone off. Remember back in those days when you turned your

phone off airplane mode, it would take a few minutes to get your text.

So I was sitting there, and I'm like, well, nobody's text. About five, ten

minutes passed.

Open my phone. It says, oh, my God.

We had no idea how bad this was.

Jesus. Because now it's like 530, in which I realize I must have done this at

like during working hours. Like these women had left their apartment with me

just. quietly sleeping, and at like 9 .45 a .m., sun out, I just took a shit

a sneaker.

But she was like, we didn't realize how bad it was, and at that moment I was

like, this makes more sense. That's the appropriate response.

It's a long story. I felt fucking horrible, obviously, and I went. I was

Seattle for a month. By the way, I did a show that night. I couldn't shower

because I had to go straight to the venue because I missed my flight.

So I went straight to the contest, did a set with shit on my pant leg, came in

first place that night. Great set.

Set of my life.

That's now my lucky thing. Whenever I have a big show, I shit on my pant leg a

little bit. Sorry, ladies.

Do the show. I went home. I took the best shower ever. Unless you've been in

and hidden under a dead body for a couple days, you've never taken a shower

good as shit on your own pants flew across the country.

Had to pull shit out of my leg hair and stuff it into the drain at my friend's

house.

Then I was like, I got to make amends here. I got to solve, I got to, you

come up with something. So I sent like a long Facebook message just being like,

I tried to find it, but she's off of Facebook. She's probably maybe dead now.

have no idea.

I sent a long apology, and she wrote back, it's okay.

By the way, these girls were like 22 years old, which helped me. If they were

40, I would have been shot. I think at 22, you're like, whoa, that's a fun

story.

And so I got like a birthday card because it's the only card I could get.

time, I was broke, and I put $300 in cash. That was all the money I had, and

put $300 in cash and wrote, I'm so sorry.

Hope this buys you a new pair of sneakers.

And then before I sent it, I was like, it's $300?

Like, high? That feels, is that crazy?

So I called my friend Nate Bargatze, and I go, do you think $300, is that going

to be weird? Because I'd like to have another date with this woman.

And he just said, I don't think there's an amount that's too high after you shit

at somebody's shoe.

So I sent her the $300. We never went on another date, but it was quite cordial

after that. She thought it was funny. I hope she still does. I don't know where

she is, but...

I'm sober and married now, so it's all as well that ends well.

Thank you guys so much. This was so much fun.

Thanks a lot.

Show this, everybody.

Ladies and gentlemen, this next young woman is so fucking funny. She's going

be massive. She's going to be a fucking huge name. Please, don't look at the

stage. Miss Jordan Jensen, everybody.

My story, I got arrested.

That's my story.

Bye.

No, I used to be a kleptomaniac. Thank you so much.

And I was also a contractor.

I'm not gay. I'm just very cool. And this is for you, baby girl.

No, but if you're a woman, you can go into like any Home Depot and leave

carrying like a full table saw.

They, you can take whatever you want and they'll hold, they're like, they do it

for you, mother.

It's crazy.

I actually recommend trying it. So my racket was, I would be like, okay, I'll

build you a porch for five grand, two grand in materials. And you'd be like,

that's a steal. That's only three grand for the porch. I'd be like, I know,

little did you know, it was a steal. And I would steal, I would steal all of the

lumber and then I would keep your 2K. You know what I mean?

And the other money also, I guess.

And I didn't care. Like, I had been to jail multiple times. I had been arrested

multiple times.

I had been not in jail. I'd been in, like, the holding. What's that called?

Drunk tank?

Drunk tank?

Multiple times. Like, it didn't frighten me. And I think the reason why I wasn't

afraid of, like, authority is because I had crippling OCD.

So I had my own authority.

You know what I mean?

Does that make sense? Like, I would be carrying huge amounts of stolen

merchandise, like thousands of dollars. But then I would be, like, going to my

truck, tiptoeing over cracks, being like, I have to have a positive thought

about my mommy.

Oh, she's going to be a big trouble.

Um, and my big OCD thing at the time was I was, I was worried that I

was going to bite people.

And the reason why, here's the thing. I still have this a little bit. Okay. Like

the other day I went to, I was at a dinner with famous people and Laura Dern

there and I got, I started having a panic attack because I thought I was

to bite.

laura dern what happens then what happens then then i'm the person who bit

dern you know what i mean so i was really scared about that and it was like

was just starting before this trip and my big fear was that on airplanes i was

going as soon as it took off i was going to start biting people that was my big

fear i don't know why man i think it's weird that they airplanes are bizarre

they lock you in a tube and they're like, see y 'all in six hours. Nobody be

weird. Bye.

It's a little crazy.

When they put me next to the emergency don't pull this lever sign, I'm flop

sweating. I am freaking out.

So.

I was like going to cancel the trip because I was like panicking every day

leading up to it. And then my mom was like, I'm going to get you a hefty dose

Xanax so that you can go on this trip, which is very nice. That's how my mom's

that type of nice. You know what I mean?

She'll buy the liquor so you don't have to hate mister.

And then so I bought, so she got me the Xanax and I zonked out for the whole six

hour flight, which was sick. And then I landed and I was going to visit my best

friend in Olympia.

And we were having so much fun. It was me, her, and her very gay friend, Chad.

And Chad was like, you know the sad, the sad, like, 2010 gay?

You know what I mean? Like, not the jacked gay, but, like, the twinkie,

chews on their hoodie string.

You know what I mean? A lot of stripes.

A lot of, like, pulling their hoodies up over their hands.

You know what I mean? K plus 8 haircut.

Painted nails.

So, Chad was like that. So, Chad was like...

I was a thief in the way that I'm, like, an entitled white bitch. You know what

I mean? But he was a thief in, like, he might have needed to steal stuff. You

know what I mean?

And so he was like, here's what we're going to do. We went out. We had fun. I

bought new cowboy boots. Big mistake.

Guilty. And he was like, we're going to go to the liquor save.

Or the liquor save. The ShopRite.

ShopRite. There it is. Thank you so much. I'll be here all night.

ShopRite. And we were going to go in there. And he was like, what you do is.

I'm going to take the liquor, and I'm going to put it in your backpack, and

you're going to walk out, which I know is a mistake, right? I've been stealing

my whole life. You never conceal, right? I would conceal in, like, eighth grade

when I'd stuff all the earrings in my hoodie, and then I'd walk out, and

be like, no, and I'd just have to shake, and it would all come out.

I know not to get, this is how you steal. I will tell you how to steal

now, and you can pay me for this. You go into Whole Foods, okay? You wear, like,

a peat coat or something. You look okay, all right? First of all, you have to be

white. Just remember that, okay?

Keep that in mind.

And then you fill up a bag, like a tote bag full of stuff that's like locks,

smoked trout, fancy cheese, like stuff that is really expensive in the store,

but if you steal it, it's like no money at all. Like that, okay?

And then you put that in a bag, and then you take a seltzer, and you go to ring

that up, and the cashier will be like...

Oh, you're just buying the seltzer? And you go, yes. And they go, did you

already buy all that stuff? And you go, yes, I did. And they go, okay, great.

And you go, I love you. And they go, I love you too. And that's it.

And you walk out and it's totally fine. I stopped stealing from Whole Foods. You

can't steal. I stopped stealing after the pandemic. I almost gave up stealing

before, but then they were like, everybody, I demand that all people wear

disguises.

That was crazy, dude. Going into Whole Foods and then be like, not so fast. And

I was like, what?

And they're like, you got to put the mask on. And I was like, oh, I almost

forgot.

That's crazy.

So, basically what happened is he puts the liquor bottle in my backpack, he

it up, and then I just walk out. And then I, you know, I, usually what

is if somebody, the guy caught me, right? He goes, stop right there, right?

Which usually means I take the bottle out, I hand it to him, I go, here's, you

know, they bring you into a little room, you pay $500 or something, some

ignorant amount of money to them, and then you leave. You hit up your mom, you

go, can you put $500 in my account? She does, and you're fine, okay?

but this guy was like he was one of those guys you know when you like you

when somebody has such a bad job and there's such a fucking cunt about it and

like it's like you'll be checking out and you'll have like a bag that has like

four fujis and one macintosh and you're walking through and you're like just let

it go you fucking narc right

And you're like, is this what you wanted to be when you grew up? Is this what

you dreamed of as a child? He was one of those guys.

And I was just letting him have it. He's like shaking me. He's shaking me. He's

holding the backpack and me above the ground and shaking me like this, okay?

And I'm being like, yes, you're a good boy. Yeah, you did such a good job. Oh,

my God, I've been married. And just waiting for him to put me down so that I

be like, here we go. Let's get this over with.

But then fucking Chad ran at a dead sprint out of nowhere.

comes in flies across flies across me like this grabs the guy they tumble to

ground while chad is screaming unhand her okay i'm so mad at this point i'm

we just went from fucking you know petty larceny to assault dude you're i was

pissed he went from gay to i was like you're a fag dude i'm sorry you're out

dude i'm i'm done with you so i was really mad at chad

and then i did have to run because i felt bad i was like chad's gonna take

l i should just at least try and run but i just bought those cowboy boots they

hurt very bad i made it like two steps and i was like nope absolutely not and

then the cop car pulled up so fast and over the loudspeaker was like get on the

ground which is great i was like i'm not gonna get i did not get on the ground i

was like i'll get right into the cruiser thank you and i just opened the door

and got it i was like i would love to sit down take me away so they took me

chad to jail and they put me in the they they separate me and chad which was

really unfortunate because they're like we have to put chad in the men's section

and chad was like i can't go and i was like you'll be fine and he was like no

nails are painted and i was like oh my god you can't go i was like i was like

put me in the men's put him in the women's don't do i mean he'll die dog

And they're like, no. So they separated us and they put me in this room, which

is a weird feeling when a human being locks you in a cage. It's very if it was

like a giant Terminator grabbing me and throwing me in a cage, that would make

more sense. But it's like somebody a little shorter than me.

You know what I mean? I'm like, you're I'm a homo sapien. You're a homo sapien.

We're the same, dude. What are you doing?

You're a monkey. I'm a monkey. And they're like, no, no, no. You've been a

monkey. Get in there. It's really it's very weird.

And then, so I go in there and there's all these women, like so many women. It

was like 12 women.

Each one had their own bunk. I had no bunk. They gave me a Tupperware

on the floor, which was crazy.

Really weird.

And all of the women are in there and they're all like really angry and really

scary. And they're like, probably like.

pretty much all around 50 right and i fucked up i walked in and i was just

trying to make friends i was like so what what is everybody in here for i

you're not supposed to ask that at all so they were all like fuck you bitch and

i was like oh god oh god oh god and then i was like i have to call my mommy and

they're like okay you can call your mom but you have to do it from the phone in

the jail cell which is brutal because what happens is you pick up the phone

you go to call your mom and a robot talks to your mom first right you can't

don't have time to go hey mommy

okay right a robot picks up and goes would you like to accept a call from

you know 727 jordan jensen at whatever the fuck county jail right so it narcs

you immediately that sucks that's like if i went to call my ex -boyfriend and a

robot picked up and was like do you want to talk to jordan she's a little day

drunk and oh yeah she just googled the word narcissist are you into it that's

crazy it's so fucked up

Anyway, my mom picked up and I thought she was not there. I thought she was so

angry that she had hung up, but she wasn't. There was no sound because she

laughing so hard.

As soon as she picked up, she was paralyzed with laughter. And I was like,

stop laughing at me. And she was like, are you wearing a jumpsuit? And I was

like, yes. And she was like, and I was like, mom, listen, they made me wear

flops that aren't mine. And she was like, stop it. Stop it.

And I was like, you have to bail me out. And she was like, fuck you. No, I'm not

bailing you out. And I was like, why not? And she was like, I'll tell you

And then she hung up. I have no more calls, okay?

I have no more calls.

And then I turn around and I'm crying. Remember, I was going out. So I have

hair, makeup.

I look like this, the toddler in tiara, okay?

I turn around, and all the women are like, you fucking crybaby pieces. And

like, no, I'm going to die.

And then one woman stood up. This is bizarre. One woman stood up and goes,

you're only being mean to her because she reminds you of our children because

was so young.

And then all of the women, this was crazy, went, and all burst into tears,

sobbing uncontrollably. And I was like, what's happening? What's happening? And

they're like, my baby.

And I was like, oh, oh.

your baby i'm not your baby it was so weird dude and then the the security

came over and was like rattling and was like go get the klonopin and they all

like lined up like it was so weird and i was like can i have klonopin and

they're like no fuck you and then they gave it to all these women and then it

became the best slumber party they were braiding my hair we were making snacky

snacks out of the wet beans that they give you wet wet beans we were having so

much fun at one point my favorite person in the world was released in there with

us her name was little bit and she was four feet tall she was a little latino

like she looked like rufio kind of and she was a little tank and she like they

pushed her in and she was like and i was like whoa

And then she was like, I just got caught with a speedball, which I guess is

heroin and speed mixed together.

And I was like, whoa, that's what you're in here? And she was like, yeah, but

don't worry. I plunged the needle right before I got in here. And I was like,

what does that mean? And she was like, I'm about to be fucked.

And she was going crazy.

Me and her were, because I wasn't on Klonopin. So me and her were fucking, we

were running laps around these Klondike bars, dude. The women were like, yeah,

yeah, yeah.

And we were making slingshots out of shit. We made a ball out of the plastic

they give you for water and we're playing dodgeball and it was just

Klon girls in the face. It was so fun. And then, a crazy thing. This is

Okay.

There was a woman in the corner the whole time who I thought was just passed

like drunk style, like drunk tank style. But she was not.

She was not drunk.

Okay. She was highly lucid.

And she stood up at one point and she was really scary. She had neck tattoos.

She was like huge. She was probably like 6 '2". She was huge.

And she goes and walks. And all the women are like.

And I was like.

And she walks over.

This is crazy. And she pulls her pants and underwear down and sits down on the

toilet, which is right by my Tupperware bed, mind you. And she sits down on the

toilet and then just starts having, which has no walls around it. The toilet

can't have walls. And she started having explosive diarrhea. Okay.

Like full frontal.

Like not, not watery, not watery, like chilly.

Okay. Just like that.

Endless. Okay.

all of the women were like, dude, dude, dude, Jordan, Jordan, don't look at her,

do whatever you, rule number one, you don't look at her, and I was like, well,

rule number one of OCD, if you tell me not to do something, I have to do it,

like, this is a huge, like, if I'm on the subway, and there's a dude jerking

off, I'm locked in, dog, I'm fucking locked, I can't look away, they don't, I

don't want to look at them, they don't want me, they're like, I gotta come, cut

it out, and I'm like, just come, just come already, brother, we gotta get this

over with, it's very, if you have OCD, you know what I mean, it's like, if

there's a button, you must touch it, okay?

And so I was locked in on Linda. I could not look away.

And she was pissed, dude. She was like, as soon as I'm done shitting, I'm going

to fucking rip your head off. I'm going to fucking kill you. And I was like, I'm

so sorry. I don't want to. I was like, I'll try. I can't. I can't. I apologize.

And I couldn't look away.

And then this really crazy thing happened because she was shitting like a

scary amount.

You know what I mean? Like, you've had this. It was like rough, okay?

And I get, like, there's only so long you could be scary when you're losing

much.

poop okay like it was her insides were coming out and she was looking at me

i'm gonna fucking kill you and then she like slowly because i didn't look away

she kind of just was like like the look was like help i want this to be over

and i just stayed locked in i was like dude i know that must be so fucking bad

you're gonna get through this you're gonna get through this and she just and

then at the end of it she got up and i was like she's for sure still gonna kill

me but then she walked over and she was like what are you guys doing and we were

like sit down big linda and then we all had a great time so then it was time for

me to leave jail which i was really upset about because i loved all of them

had made so many friends we were so close and i was so excited an

thing is i did get out and chad said that not one man in the entire in his

entire jail cell the whole 24 hours said one word to one another that's crazy i

went through a metamorphosis in mine that's nuts and he was just sitting

like

You know, that's why.

So then I get out of jail and I call my mom and my mom's like, how was it? And I

was like, mom, it was actually amazing.

Like I made all these friends. I learned how to play dodgeball. I was like, I

learned how to do, you know, wall sit -ups. And I was like, there was a woman

who like didn't want you to look at her. But then in the end, she just wanted to

be seen.

And I was like, but why didn't you bail me out?

And she goes, let me ask you something. In the full 24 hours you were in there,

with no escape, did you bite one of those women? And I was like, I didn't.

Okay, that's my story. Thank you, guys.

Yay, I did it.

this next comic one of the funniest men in america legitimately for like at

least 10 years now he is a former host of a show called this is not happening

comedy central please give it up for mr roy wood jr everybody

this

is a nice show this is a nice show i can't wait to steal

this one too

Whatever he hosts, I'm stealing, baby. I'm coming right behind him and taking

that shit.

I'm learning a lot about parenting these days.

I have an eight -year -old, and I just think one of the most important skills

you will develop as a parent is when it comes to trying to solve your kid's

problems, knowing when it is your time to shut the fuck up.

My first crush in fifth grade was a girl named Olivia Calhoun.

Oh, man, she was gorgeous.

1985, 86, Birmingham, Alabama.

Olivia Calhoun was gorgeous, man. Just like sitcom next

-door neighbor.

Just long, flowing hair, beautiful fucking dark skin, and just legs.

Just like and it was perfect when you had a crush at this age because this was

public school. So 30 of us in the class, there's only four textbooks. So we got

to share.

And when it's time to share and read the book together, God bless you if you got

the desk next to Olivia Calhoun, because she'd lean in close to you, you'd lean

in close to her, and you'd lean in and you'd read the passages together, and

had this bubblegum lip gloss, and her breath would carry that bubblegum lip

gloss, and that shit would dance across your nostrils and rock hard for two

weeks.

Just gorgeous.

Just gorgeous.

Kept that shit in my back pocket for months.

Wasn't until the last two weeks of school where I finally got up the

say something to Olivia. I finally got the courage up. I did what any grown man

should do.

I wrote it down on a sheet of paper.

None of this DM shit.

I wrote it down on paper. Do you like me, bitch? Yes or no? Yeah.

And you can't dodge that.

You can't turn off your read receipts. I'm looking at you. You're reading it

right now.

I gave her the paper and I ran off. You know what you put on the paper. Do you

like me? Yes. No. I put maybe. Gave her an out.

Next day.

Next day at school, Olivia Calhoun comes back with the note and she.

Meets me at the locker that morning. She hands me the note like that. That's how

I knew it was good news, because she gave me the note like that.

When they hand you the note the way your grandmama give you a $20 bill, I was

like, yeah, that's... Hey, Ron.

I was like, it's good. And I opened it up. Sure as shit. Do you like me? Yes,

no. She checked yes.

Damn right.

So that day at lunch, I bought her an ice cream sandwich to seal the deal.

That's what ballers do. You drop 50 cent on these girls.

Bought her an ice cream sandwich, and I told her at lunch, I said, you know, I'm

on safety patrol now, so I've got to work my shifts.

But after school, when everybody's bored at the school buses and I'm done

crosswalking, you know, you come check in with me. I'll walk you home.

And that's a big deal in the South.

In the spring. Like, it's 94 degrees. And you are volunteering to walk a girl

home and carry the books.

Like, you know, books, like, in the, like, sick -ass textbooks.

That's a serious dedication right there. 101 Heat Index. And it's me and Olivia

Calhoun, and we just skipping down a sidewalk.

And it was beautiful.

She gave me her phone number.

I go home. I call her. I wait.

A little later, not too late, but, you know, late enough to let her know, you

know, I wasn't thinking about you right away.

Can't call no girl right when you get home. I got shit to do. I got to watch

DuckTales. I got to watch... I got an agenda.

A little tailspin. A Disney afternoon is happening.

And I call her.

And she didn't answer the phone.

It's a mean, growling voice.

It was her older sister, Titi.

Titi was in the eighth grade. Now, I don't know if you know about, if you

remember fifth grade, but if you was in the fifth grade and you were talking to

somebody in the eighth grade, you may as well be talking to a grown woman.

This is a 30 -year -old woman I'm talking to.

She got a briefcase and a mortgage.

She got a pap smear tomorrow. I can't hear.

Dealing with this grown -ass eighth grader.

And T .T. did not like anybody talking to Olivia.

T .T. grabbed the phone out of Olivia and said, who is this?

This is Roy, you fathead -ass motherfucker.

Better not call my goddamn sister no more. I'll stab you in your

head, you fatass nigga.

And I don't know how to reply to that.

And even if I could, I don't have the guts because also, T .T. is in Gangster

Disciples. And that's a serious street gang. And I know everybody's talking

about Crip and Blood. Let me tell you something right now. Down South,

Gangster Disciples run supreme.

And if you are a woman in a street gang, oh, you have whooped a lot of ass.

She was a Disciple Queen.

That's what they called them, black women that was in Disciple. They called

Disciple Queens.

So I ain't going to mouth off a TT. I said, you got a TT?

Hung up.

Now, my mama has heard all of this.

Because, you know, mamas be eavesdropping when you're on the phone.

My mama couldn't make out what was said to me, but she knew it wasn't cool. She

go, what was that shit?

I go, I was calling Olivia because I like Olivia and Olivia's sister.

And I said, is that who was cussing at you? I go, yes, ma 'am.

Call that bitch back. I'm like, no.

I said, mama, you can't call her back.

She is a gangster disciple. I'm a disciple of the Lord.

And I'm like, I don't even think God messed with GD's choice.

You got to know when to leave this alone.

You got to know when to shut up.

And I was able to defuse the situation.

Next day, I see Olivia at school.

have to come over to her and i'm like oh it's just don't worry about tt tt was

just doing that to tease you women never know when they got a crazy motherfucker

and they missed you always try to make the man but don't worry about him he

got 90 guns he ain't gonna shoot

She said, I want you to walk me home again.

And I said, you know what? You damn right. You damn right, Olivia.

I'm going to walk your ass home. Not only did I walk her home, I held her

I ain't finna be intimidated by no damn TT. And we was skipping down the

sidewalk. And it was beautiful. I never saw the brick coming.

But there was a brick.

And this brick.

It's like, like, like, it hit like, like, I got hit with pre -brick first.

Because, like, it wasn't a regular rock. It was like asphalt or cinder block.

Like, you know how certain rocks break up upon launch?

Like an asteroid. You know how in the asteroid movies, the pre -asteroid hits

before the main asteroid. And they go, oh, shit, go get Bruce Willis. This is a

big asteroid.

So we're walking and just fucking skipping along. And I'm there with my

grade crush.

And life is perfect.

And I felt this just sprinkle.

And I turned.

And before I could turn all the way around, a piece of Birmingham asphalt

in the face. And I fell slow motion like black people in them civil rights

movies.

And I'm picking rock out of my eye.

And I can make out from across the street, it's T .T.

What the fuck I told you?

What I told you, fat -ass nigga?

I'll stab you in your motherfucking head, fat -ass nigga. And she start

the game signs and shit.

And ain't much you can do after that. I looked up at Olivia. I said, listen,

we're going to have to start seeing other people.

that you can get this T .T. situation under control.

So, of course, I go home.

You can't show up at the house with wounds with a black mama.

I would assume all mamas matter, is what I'm saying.

Let's not make it a race.

Mama, she said she gonna stab me in the head.

Ain't nobody gonna stab you in the goddamn head.

I'm driving you home from school tomorrow.

And for the rest of the week, my mom drove me home from school, which makes

look even more like a bitch.

So that was it.

That was it.

You can't call her no more because you know T .T. on the prowl.

And that day after school, that was the last time I talked to old Olivia

Calhoun.

Fast forward 2015,

I get the daily show.

And I moved to New York City, and I have a child on the way.

And this is all happening all at the same time.

And life is very crazy. So me and my sons, mom, and we're all moving to New

York, and we're trying to find childcare.

And in New York City, you got to screen people.

Because it ain't like the South, where it's just a friend from church or a

daughter from somebody you know that you can trust to watch a kid. Like, New

York, it's too many people that are too anxious to watch children.

And I don't like that. Like, the optimum childcare is someone who doesn't want

to do child care.

I need you to hate children just a little.

To teach them, you got to love them. But to watch them, you got to kind of be

like, I don't know.

You don't want nobody too anxious to watch a baby. Like, I don't want to see

baby. Yeah, like, nah.

So to make sure that we were hiring the right person.

Me and my son's mom, we got a subscription to a background check

don't want to scare you all, but for $40 a month, if I know your full name and

at least one state you've lived in, I can track down your criminal history,

driving history, your employment history, social media, any liens, any

bankruptcies, everything good or bad you've ever done simply from your name

a place you've lived. And so that's how we started checking.

The references for child care, just to see who was crazy.

We hire a babysitter. We still have about four days left on the

And I go, fuck it.

Let me just start checking up on random people.

Because you see everybody on Facebook talking about how they live their life,

and I'm a life of a baller. No, you don't. I can see the bankruptcies right

here.

And I'm just looking up old friends, college coaches, just anybody you can

of, celebrities, just whoever I want to just know your business, I'm going to

just know your business.

And then just on a whim one night, I was like, you know what?

I wonder how Olivia Calhoun's doing.

Typed it in, pulled it up, and there it was.

Couple college degrees, couple kids, got a husband. Life turned out pretty good.

And it's every possible means to reach out and contact this person if you want.

Your life's not as private as you think it is.

But I wasn't here to intrude. Her life became her life. My life became mine.

I have a beautiful family. I'm thankful for where I am career -wise. And I

wouldn't have wished it to happen any other way. But it was a good feeling to

just know that somebody, somebody saw what I saw.

I was treating it good.

A little further down in the results page from the site, there's also a link

known siblings.

I had to know.

And I clicked that shit.

And there she is. There's T .T.

In and out the military.

A couple of liens, a couple of bankruptcies, a divorce.

Scroll a little further, and there it is. There's a link to the Alabama

Department of Corrections.

OPP got locked up, did 15 years.

Well, I got to know what for.

And I click on the link, and it pulls up her mugshot and her arrest history, and

sure as shit.

T .T. Calhoun got arrested in 2003 and did a 15 year bid for

stabbing somebody in the head.

They lived, but they were stabbed in the head.

And I printed that Department of Corrections sheet and I mailed it to my

And I said, sometimes you need to know when to shut the fuck up.

Good night.

Roy Wood Jr., everybody.

Can we tell the story about how I took over your show and then was unfairly

accused of stealing your fucking show from your moronic ass fans who

love you so much that they couldn't believe anything other than the black

stole it by the way.

Here's what I feel like is understated about you Ari.

is that this entire story, televised storytelling culture that you've created

was birth number one from a show you did in L .A.

decades ago because you just cared about the long -form art of this craft. And

then you create this space for performers who don't always get chances

the other late -night bullshit to come and be discovered and be who they are

authentically. So I get a call from Comedy Central. They go, hey, Ari

out. As host of this, it's not happening.

Do you want to host?

We start taping in two days.

It happened faster, guys. I got mad.

I sold my special to a startup network called Netflix.

And they were pissed.

Comedy Central was pissed.

And the way that it just felt, it felt slimy, if I'm being honest. It was like,

this feels weird.

Does Ari know? Have you all informed Ari? So before I call agents and

I call you. Gentlemen, right from the start, call me and say, hey, what do you

want? They're telling me this. What do you want to do?

Yeah. And you said, I think in so many words, correct me if I'm wrong, you

basically said, if you don't host the show, they're going to cancel the

production. And there's 40 to 50 comics who will not have an opportunity to be

on television this year.

And I think you had sent them names of people. Because I was not the first

choice. Let's just start there.

He's bigger now than he was. No, but motherfuckers was mad like I was the

choice. Like, no, I was like fucking 40th on the list.

They went down the line of who to call. Because so many people said no to you

out of respect to you.

I know, but then we had to say people's jobs, too. There were all these people.

Yeah, also crew.

There's like 90 motherfuckers with lights and fucking cameras and cords and

shit. Yeah.

And if you cancel something two days out, good job with the courts.

If you accept work is crude, you've turned down other work so you don't get

fucking bread. So if the show doesn't happen, and you told me. They said we're

going to.

get rid of this, two days out, all your crew that have been working with your

family at this point for three years on your show, they'll be out of work, two

days out, good luck paying their rent.

Or, here's Roy.

And I was like, yeah, Roy, for sure.

And so, I knew that nobody, like the conversation

you and I had that day, I knew that that could never become public.

Because you were going to have your grievances with the network.

Turn that off.

No.

Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.

But then I asked Ari, and in a very roundabout way, I asked Ari, I go, all

right, man, now you know when they announce me as the host, your fans

are going to have some questions.

Right, yeah.

And I don't, it doesn't feel like you're prepared to address this publicly,

which means I'm going to be out on a vine. On an island.

by myself, dealing with that shit.

And in a way, I was asking you, and I never directly asked you, but I think

I was trying to ask you was, would you mind saying something to the effect of,

hey, it's not, don't be mad at Roy, which you said,

I can't say anything right now.

Just know that my fans love me a lot.

And it's not much I can do to control them.

That's true.

I don't want to be like, no, it's all cool. I was like hurt. I'm like, it's

cool, but he's not the problem.

Yeah, but you didn't even say that.

But I was happy to do it because, you know, it's comics that are going to get

television. It's crew that's going to eat. I'll take those arrows in the back.

It's fine. Fuck it. I don't care.

So I did it. And I got to give your fans credit as furious as they were about

the transition of hosts.

Nobody call me nigga.

Not a single racist tweet.

Furious.

But they never brought race into it.

That's a cool fan base. Yes.

You raise them right.

Good goddamn fans.

Yeah, I mean, there were a lot of people that really wrote for you, though.

There were a lot of comments. I should have protected you better.

A hundred percent. But there's nothing you were going to be able to do to stop.

Yeah. Because it was your baby. This is your baby. This is what you've created

within the zeitgeist of entertainment. So it was right. It would have been

for you to be the one to continue ushering it in. I'm happy that you got

new shit and you deserve it, man.

There were a couple of comics that declined to tape.

Like their names were on the run sheet and motherfuckers just didn't show up.

Yeah. Yeah, they were like, fuck it, I'm not doing that. Yeah, and I still have

a lot of respect for those guys.

I don't know how they all feel about me.

One was Ralphie Mae. We can call him right now.

Hey,

Ralphie.

So I say all of that to say that this is how full circle shit goes, and this is

why you need to be nice to people.

I hope this is not happening.

A couple of years later, Kobe Bryant passes away.

I kind of remember that.

And so Kobe Bryant passes.

And while the wreck.

It's still smoldering.

I mean, the wings of the helicopter, the puck and whatever, were like still.

Ari is on Instagram Live trying to make jokes about it.

I'm not even repeating.

I'm not rehashing.

But niggas was on you.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, they were not stoked on Ari Shaffir that day.

Kobe, so the crash happened. You post something trying to be funny. When did

first death threat come in?

18 minutes later.

I mean, immediate.

I got toxic within an hour.

When black people organize, nothing can stop them.

They was on him. Like, I was getting calls from, like, my grandma and shit.

is this Ari boy?

Tell them about Kobe.

It's so bad he has to cancel comedy shows that week in the city because

saying they closed the club. Every club I went to got bomb scares.

Literally. So I would post them.

Little known, I would post on my website that I'd be performing at a club that

never passed me just to get death threats to them.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Kobe dies.

Kobe dies.

Ari's dealing with death threats from black people.

A week later, it's the Super Bowl.

Our friend Sal Vacano. Yeah, what's up, Sal? A graphical joke. Sal Vacano has a

yearly Super Bowl situation.

We get invited to the situation.

I walk in the party.

This is my first time seeing Ari since he's pissed off Black America.

And just, you looked like, your energy was just so fucking, like, you, like,

I felt like that was the first time you were even in public.

Shit hit the fan for you.

I've never seen anybody sad at a fucking Super Bowl party.

And he sees me, and I'm for sure the first black person he's seen that week.

haven't seen no black people.

Everyone I saw, I'm like, no.

He fucking comes over.

Hey, man.

How you doing, Roy?

I don't suppose there's anything you can maybe say?

About my character.

Let people know.

Which I told Ari, I don't know much about Kobe's fans.

But they are very dedicated.

And they love him a lot.

Good luck.

You should have had my back, bro.

I love you, man. I love you, too, buddy.

Roy Wood Jr., everybody.

I left a wallet there.

Yo guys, check this out!

Meow.