Original subtitles

You know, me and my comedian friends, we all tell stories about the crazy, true

adventures they've had. You guys ready to start this?

You

know

I'm from Saturday Night Live and just an all -around amazing human being. Please

help me welcome to the stage Mr. Jim.

I'm 58 now, and I've had a nice journey, but I constantly find myself in

situations where I'm like, how did this happen?

And this is one of those stories. So my daughter is turning 16 years old.

So she comes to me, and she's like, Dad,

for my 16th birthday, I know what I really, really want.

I said, okay, what are you thinking?

And she goes, I really want to see Billy Joel at Madison Square Garden.

He plays there once a month.

I was like, what?

You want to?

I mean, I was excited.

Because normally, I have three daughters at the time. Anytime I go down that

hallway, I would never hear anything remotely close to Billy Joel.

It was like.

Angry, violent, slap it, shoot it, punch it, money, slap

it, N -word, N -word, slap it, mother effa, mother effa, punch

it, blow it, slap it, bite it, slap it, respect.

It was, never heard Billy Joel

ever.

And so I call my agent up. I said, hey, man, I know Billy Joel sells out

every Madison Square Garden show.

Is there any chance I'll pay whatever?

And he goes, Jim, he's in our agency.

I'm like, what?

I mean, he's like, I'm pretty sure I can. So he calls me up.

He goes, Jim, I got great news.

Not only can I get tickets, I got you, your wife, and your 16 -year -old

daughter. He goes, but it's the 50th anniversary of Billy Joel

playing there every month.

I'm going to tell you right now, I'm pretty sure like Springsteen might go up

Post Malone at the time said, who's, who's.

So I tell my daughter and I tell her like, you know, I don't tell her that,

agent. Gave me the tickets. I'm like, listen, no Christmas this year?

This is like two years. You don't know. This is a biggie. It's the 50th. And I

said, he said something about Post Malone. He's like, oh my God, are you

serious? And she showed me the pictures of his face.

Wow,

okay, yeah.

So now, the day of the concert, I go to New York City early. My wife and my

daughter are going to meet me in the city right across from Madison Square

Garden. Now,

I don't drink a lot.

I'll drink socially. I don't drink at my house. So I'm across the street, and I

have two vodka martinis, and I'm...

I love everyone.

I love everyone.

I'm hugging people.

I'm like, you're going to get through this, man. You're going to.

So we go in. You all right?

So we go to our seats. And the seats, they're sick.

Billy Joel is going to be right there. I got my vodka martini kicking.

And the agent comes out, this guy Dennis, right? And he goes, would you

meet Billy?

Oh, my God.

Yeah, let's, yeah. Like, you want to meet him? Yeah, let's go.

I've met, I met everyone you can imagine.

Everyone you can imagine.

But I grew up in Long Island, never met Billy Joel, so I'm still like, oh, my

God, Billy Joel!

Billy Joel!

Oh!

So we go in the back. And I know.

People still will come up to me once in a while. I know the way. I want people

to come to me. And I've been around celebrities.

I know how to act.

I lost everything. We walk backstage.

And Billy Joe's there. And I'm staring at him like a zoo animal.

Is feeding time soon? So he's sitting there, and the agent

goes up to Billy Joel. And he's on a computer.

And the agent goes, hey, Billy, Billy, I want to introduce you to one of

our clients, Jim Brewer, big fan.

And Billy's like, yeah, yeah, come on over.

So I go up to him, and I know he's sober, so I'm buzzed. I'm trying to be

I said, hey, man, nice to meet you. And he goes, so you just

bought the tickets? And I went, you know what?

My daughter's turning 16, and I have all the gifts she wanted.

She wanted to see you perform for the 50th anniversary.

He doesn't even hesitate. He goes, oh, sweetheart, you got to get a life.

I swear to God, right?

My hand to God.

So then, so I laugh.

And I'm like, she's never seen you. This is my eighth time. He goes, no, no,

your father's got to get a life.

Why would you see me eight times? Jeez, it's the same show.

So everything's cool. I'm like, yeah, this is a great moment. I don't want to

bother. It's like 20 minutes before showtime.

And all of a sudden, Billy Joel looks at me and he goes, so I heard

you do ACDC.

Now, I'm buzzed.

I wasn't expecting that question.

So I tried to impress him, like, well, yeah, no, I know the singer.

I met the singer, Brian. We had dinner with him one time. And I started telling

this stupid story, which is a true story.

I grew up loving ACDC.

And then years later, he hunted me down and called me.

And my wife's like, I think it's one of your friends. And I got on the phone,

and the lead singer.

of ACDC.

He sounds like a drunk pirate.

I'm a big fan. I'm a big fan.

I love what you're doing, son. I love what you're doing.

I'm coming to New York City with ACDC and I'd love to bring you and the family

out here with my friend.

So I got to tell a story to Billy Joel.

And he's really not impressed.

Guy's doing duets with everyone. And he goes, you want to do ACDC

tonight?

What do you mean?

He goes, you know, I'd like to go up and do a song.

A song?

Tonight?

It was, yeah, you know, I think it'd be fun. Maybe it would do, like, shook me

all night long.

I went, I don't... I don't know if that's a good idea.

You know, it's your 50th, and I don't... Shouldn't we rehearse?

You know what I mean? Like, shouldn't you rehearse? You guys got your thing.

You're at 5 o 'clock.

Can I get to level 7?

And he goes, yeah, I said, listen, I'm not sure if I'm going to remember the

lyrics. I might freeze up. And he looks to the corner where the band's like

ready to go.

And he goes, you know what?

He should have been here for a rehearsal if we were going to do this. He goes,

let me ask something.

Why don't you come back another time? We'll do the song if you're up for it.

Yeah, I like that better.

And he goes, you rehearse with the band.

And then you rehearse with me, and we'll do it that night.

Yeah, I knew it.

All right, then.

Because that gives me time to go in my basement.

I'm already, I already know I'm going to be, oh, I'm ready for this one.

And so that's what we're going to do. And we start walking back to our seats.

His guitar player, I know from Long Island.

And his name's Tommy Burns.

And he comes running up to us right before we go out in the seats. And he

bro. He's got a thick look. Bro.

What are you doing?

You're not going to do Shook Me All Night Long tonight?

I said, Tommy, are you crazy?

I'm not. He goes, I've seen you do this song.

I said, yeah, karaoke at 2 a .m. and at a wedding when I don't care who's

watching. There's 20 ,000 Billy Joel fans.

I don't think this is the night.

And so I said, listen, man, he said we should rehearse. He goes, he don't care.

He don't care.

I said, listen, listen, seriously, I'm not going to remember the lyrics. I'm

going to freeze. He goes, bro, there's lyrics everywhere.

He goes, when you look in the monitors, the lyrics are in the monitors. Every

monitor. As a matter of fact, stand there, right in the back of Madison

Garden, right in the very back, a big, big, big screen.

There's the lyrics there. Tell you what, let's say you're on stage, right? And

you forget. Go hang out with Billy like you're his buddy, right on his piano.

Big screen.

Sing me a song.

He's like, you think he remembers half these songs that he did?

So I, I, I, we should, no, I'm way more comfortable if we rehearse. He goes,

it's the 50th anniversary.

No one cares if you show up for the 53rd, 57th.

Tonight is when the press is going to talk about it.

And I went, I don't. He goes, hold on. I'll be back. I'm going to ask the band.

I went, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No.

So he takes off. And my daughter goes, Dad, please, can we get back to seats?

I'm like, yeah, yeah. Let's get out of here.

So we start heading back to seats. And Tommy Burns comes out.

And he goes, he's totally up for it. So Bill, Charlie, come here. Find out where

the Brewers are.

You're on right after this song. New York State of Mind. You're going to kill

tonight. You're going to kill it tonight.

Please! So now, the concert begins, and I can't, I don't know, one

hit after the other, all I hear is, because in my head I'm going, I got my

lyrics up, I'm like, okay, she was a fast machine, and, God,

I say to her, she was a fast, shook me all night, her lips, her saggy sips,

she's saggy, she's a saggy lip, God.

And before I can even think, the guy comes with his headphones like, Brewer,

you're next.

So I'm literally like, sorry. And my wife's like, I think you should pray.

So I'm heading up.

Now I head back to the States. Now, I very rarely get nervous for anything.

Anything.

This, I'm freaking out.

And this could potentially be a really bad, bad situation.

So now, we're behind the stage. And I'm looking for the monitors. And I'm like,

OK. So I can't really hear. And I'm talking to the guys backstage.

And I got headphones.

And the one guy's talking to me about baseball. He's like, bro, what do you

think of the new Mets manager?

He's going to go down this year.

I don't know. I don't know. Where's the lyrics?

He's like, are you nervous right now?

I'm a little nervous right now.

And he's like, oh, Miley Cyrus is here. Oh, my gosh. She needed like nine.

What is it? Jack Daniels. Nine Jack Daniels. You're like, I'm saying what a

legend. She was nervous. I'm like, oh, my gosh.

So all of a sudden, the time comes.

Now, if you ever go to a concert and someone has a special guest,

normally, it's kind of an exciting event.

You know what I mean? Like, the singer would go, hey, you guys got a special

treat tonight.

One of my good friends is here. I didn't expect it, but you guys are really

sweet. It was nothing like that.

And I'm going to tell you word for word what happened.

And you're going to think I'm exaggerating.

but they didn't go home and watch it on YouTube.

I realized I wasn't kidding.

But now you know the story that led up to the video you're going to watch.

Okay? So Billy Joel, he goes, this is how he does it. He goes, so...

We have a special guest tonight.

And the place goes nuts.

I mean, I'm there for the same reason. Like, oh, my God, Paul McCartney.

Elton John and him made up. Here we go.

And they all take the phones out.

And when I saw 20 ,000 phones like this, I was like, oh, they're going to be

real. Really disappointed.

And then he goes, he's not known as a singer.

He goes, you may know him as Goat Boy. And I'm like, Goat Boy?

Who? It was 20 years ago. What are you talking about?

And you see the people like, what are they talking about? A new band?

Gold Boy? Is that metal? What is that?

Then he goes, he looks at his guitar player, Tommy Burns. He goes,

we did this song and that's

a tough key to stay in.

He goes, please.

Welcome, Jim Brewer. Let's see if he can pull this off.

So on my life, I was prepared to

come out, and I knew I had to get the crowd riled up. So I was going to come

out, and I go, what?

It was the adrenaline.

I don't know what happened.

The song starts. Billy clearly walks like, yeah, I don't want to watch this.

You'll see the video. I'm not lying.

And the song kicks in.

And I'm convinced they thought.

I was the actual guy.

Because a lot of Billy Joel fans may not know what that guy looks like.

Because when I tell you the place went, they went nuts.

20 ,000 people.

It's different being a rocker. So I run right to the monitor, okay?

And I've been practicing to be a rock star my whole life.

That's where I really wanted to be. So I know I got to.

So I got this position going. I'm holding the mic like this because that

like a lead singer.

And I'm not going to lie to you. I'm crushing it. I'm crushing it.

Yeah, and I'm pointing to the chicks. There's women. They left all their men.

They're in the front like this.

You know, granted, they're 70 and over, but it doesn't matter.

It's a good feeling, right? So now if you watch me, I'm pointing to them like,

she wears a fast machine.

Get the motor clean.

Wears the best.

But I'm not really pointing.

What I'm doing is I'm covering my eyes, reading

the lyrics.

They don't know that. They think like, this guy's unbelievable.

And I'll tell you when you watch the clip, when you watch the YouTube clip,

you watch it, I crush it. I bring him up to the, and as I'm leaving, watch what

I do.

I was going to go to the next monitor, but I take one glance in case I don't

make it there.

You'll see.

So now I'm on this side.

And the place, I held it, right?

I didn't know I had ass hairs standing straight up.

Neck.

And, you know, then Billy was like, one more time.

Yeah, bro.

Right. So and I'm not going to lie to you.

That's an adrenaline rush.

And I start I start walking away and people are like.

And now you'll see Tommy Burns run up to me and he quicks give me a hug in the

video. And he heads back to his spot. He came up, and he goes, you crushed it.

You saved my ass. I'm not going to lie to you.

The scary part is,

the scary part is, right before I left, the roar of the crowd, I

was this close to going, you want another one?

You guys ready for the next comic?

Guys,

this is one of my first friends in stand -up comedy. We met together

legitimately my first week at the comedy store like 20 -something years ago in

Los Angeles.

One of the best storytellers in the world, one of my favorite comedians in

world. Please give it up for Mr. Steve Simone, everybody!

New York, New York, let me hear you guys!

You guys picked an amazing show to come out and see live.

Because after me, you're going to recognize, like, everybody else on this.

So I'm in Florida now.

And, like, it wasn't really planned. Like, I had one buddy in L .A. that was

Christian. He was, like, my one Jesus buddy.

Yeah, like, in a city of 10 million people, he's the only guy I met.

Outside a church that believed in God.

Wow, you guys got really quiet on that.

That's hysterical to me. You're going to hear the worst stuff in the world

tonight. Like, I kicked an old lady down a flight of steps and you're fine with

it. You're like, I bet she deserved it.

But I'm like, maybe you have a little love and joy in your heart through

You're like, hey, save it for Sunday, chubby.

It's crazy.

What happened to the world?

But I recently moved to Florida because of my buddy John.

And, like,

it's such a different culture because in L .A., there's a reason why I didn't

meet a lot of Christians because people were kind of prejudiced, dude.

They would, like, hold it against you. Being a Christian in Hollywood, that was

like being a gay guy in the 1940s. You had to keep it inside unless you really

trusted somebody, right?

But there's little signs I could pick up on if somebody was, like, a believer.

And that was my buddy John. Like, you could sort of tell.

Like, I remember how we came out of the closet together.

Okay,

I'm sorry.

Because there are little things. Like, we smile a little bit more.

We wear sweaters, you know.

It's real.

Dude, it's like you can sense it coming off of people. The Holy Spirit, it's

like, Holy Spirit, activate. When I go grocery shopping, old ladies sense it.

Old black ladies are like, God is good. I'm like, all the time.

It's amazing.

We're praying in the produce section for somebody.

So my buddy John, I was doing some charity work at Children's Hospital.

And I was just doing it on my own.

But this dude, John, ran a legit charity that could sort of help me out. And I'm

feeling the Holy Spirit come off of this dude. It's like our first meeting,

right?

And he's looking at me, and I'm like, I think he might be a believer, right?

And he's thinking the same thing, and he goes, feels good to help people,

doesn't it? I'm like, it does.

It does feel good.

It also falls in line with some of my beliefs. He's like, I do have beliefs.

Strongly held beliefs.

Some might even call it faith. I'm like, some might call it faith.

Some might call it faith and maybe a higher power. He was like, or God even.

was like, or my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

And he was like, I knew you were a Christian.

What's your favorite Bible verse? I'm like, I don't know any. I'm Catholic.

And he's like, close enough.

Close enough.

I really, I don't even know how I got to Florida. Like, I feel it changing me a

little bit. Like, I'm listening to country music now.

Dude, I grew up in Philly. I grew up on, like, Van Halen and hip -hop. I don't

know anything about country music.

I have no natural immunity to it.

Like, I didn't grow up with it, you know what I mean? It just gets me in the

feels. Like, I'm driving with my girlfriend, and she's like, are you

And I'm like, babe, this guy's just talking about what a lucky man he is.

He's got an old pickup truck and a couple dollars in a coffee can, but he's

kids and his parents are still around.

If you think about it, he really is a lucky man. It's a better way to look at

life.

Dude, that's a real song, by the way. I'm not making that up. It gets me every

time.

So I think my story is going to be about the first time I listened to country

music because it wasn't on purpose.

It wasn't. It was like 20 years ago.

And I was living in Los Angeles. And I had been there just long enough to

realize it was a mistake.

Because L .A. is a weird place. I had to leave L .A. to figure out why it's so

sad.

It's the saddest place on earth because nobody moves there happy.

People move to Los Angeles with the thought of, I'll show you.

I'll show you all. One day you're going to be happy that you're my friend.

There should be a sign at LAX that just says, whatever you're looking for, it's

not here. And you're like... And then a team of grandmas come out and just give

you a hug and cookies. Like, this is what you need? I think this is what I

All my friends were so supportive when I moved there.

They were like, go for it.

What do you got to lose, bro? Go for it.

After three years, I'll tell you guys exactly what I lost.

How about my will to live?

It was horrible.

Dude, I didn't have a car. I had to take the bus to a telemarketing job during

the day and then work at the comedy store at night. And I shared a one

apartment with a recently divorced 330 -pound -to -ex -Elvis impersonator. No

lie. You can't make that up.

5 '4", 330, and he kept the Elvis pompadour. He looked like Andrew Dice

walking by a carnival mirror like, Fat James!

And he was so annoying. Like he would listen to my phone calls like you forgot

the best part. Hold on. Give me the phone. I'm like, James, stop talking.

I was miserable. I would have quit if I had enough money. I would have quit,

dude. I was out. I'm like, forget it. But I was too poor to even leave.

And my birthday was coming up and I was so poor. I made a birthday list like an

eight year old for stuff I just needed to survive.

And my younger brother called me.

And my younger brother became the winner in my family. He's like a dentist that

started businesses.

My only shot at a good gift, right?

So he calls me. He goes, hey, bro.

I know your birthday is coming up. I'm like, it is? It is?

And he goes, I got you an amazing gift. I'm like, what is it? He goes, I don't

want to ruin the surprise.

I'm like, come on, dude. Tell me. He goes, no, it's a surprise.

I go, well, can you give me a hint?

He goes, you want a hint?

It's going to change your life. I was like, yes, my life totally needs

Thank you, bro. I love you. Right. And I was so excited.

I went down to my apartment building manager to tell her that my birthday

was coming because they wouldn't bring it up to the third floor.

I'm expecting a giant box of joy, like the leg lamp box on a Christmas story.

So I was living in an all Russian neighborhood. I remember Roxanna, the

manager. I was like, hey, Roxanna, just a heads up. My brother sent me a giant

crate for my birthday. And she's like, I'm sure.

They're not very emotional. Russian people are just like, I'm sure they are.

I'm like, okay, just a heads up. Call me when it comes in, right? So the next

day, I don't get a phone call, so I go check out the scene. I go, hey, Roxanna,

did my gift come?

Steve, there's nothing.

I called you.

This happens for like three days.

And she finally goes, Steve, please stop checking. Just, I called you. And I let

it go a day. No phone call. Now it's Saturday, the last day something can get

delivered before my birthday.

And I'm walking up the steps.

She won't even let me come in the office. She just looks at me through the

and goes, I'm sorry.

There is nothing here for you.

You're a good man.

You deserve happiness.

Do you know how sad something has to be to make a Russian woman feel like this

lady survived gulags and Stalin?

And she's like, tomorrow is a good day regardless.

I felt like Charlie in Willy Wonka when he thought he was going to get the

golden ticket. Remember when Grandpa Joe wakes him up and he's like, show us the

gold, Charlie. And he rips it open and he's like, I bet the gold makes the

chocolate taste terrible.

And I'm just leaving like, cheer up, Stevie.

I'm three steps away and I hear this, Steve, Steve, come back, come back. Your

gift, your gift, it came. And I'm like, dude.

No fooling. And I run up the steps. I go, where is it? And she just hands me a

shoebox. I go, this isn't my gift. It's a big box. She goes, this is what came.

I go, no, it's supposed to change my life. And she went, enjoy what you have.

And I'm like, that's good advice, Roxanna.

So I'm walking with this shoebox.

I'm not even down the steps yet where I go, I bet it's cash.

Because we're Italian.

That's an appropriate gift. I thought it was a box of cash from the restaurant.

with a note that said, it's time to quit. Here's enough money to move home.

was so excited that when I walked into the apartment, Fat James is elbow deep

the Costco -sized Doritos bag, and he's got a cigarette dangling from his mouth,

crushing Doritos.

He's like, what did you get? I go, cash, baby, cash.

He was like, how much?

And I remember his breath. It was a combination of coffee, cigarettes, and

Doritos, and he's breathing on my neck, right? And he goes, how much? Are you

going to split it with me? I'm like, it depends how much. And I rip open it. in

the box i reach in it's not cash it's tony robbins cds i'm not making this up

self -help guru tony robbins how bad is your life if the person that knows you

best is like i can't help you maybe tony can so

i started to do tony robbins i had no other choice dude

and i ever to uncle we call him uncle tony now uncle tony

Because he gave me life advice. I wish I had an uncle to give me, right?

So Uncle Tony said, put your shoes right next to your bed.

So as soon as you wake up, there's no thought. You just roll out of bed and

on your shoes. Because you had to start your day with an hour of power.

Where you have positive visualizations and breathing techniques.

Now if I'm supposed to get an hour workout in before work, I have to catch

by like 8 .30.

So dude, I set my alarm for like 5 .45 in the morning to go to the gym.

do you know who works out at 5 45 in the morning not us winners winners in the

game of life no lie like do you ever just see somebody by their bone

you know they know the difference between a bond and an annuity you know

people you just do you see them you're like that guy's never thought about

suicide he's like why would i my life's great right so it's just all winners at

the gym and me i'm like is this how the other half lives

So remember, I'm doing this for like a week, and I'm doing a Tony Robbins

exercise where you just have to let your brain go and visualize what your life

could be, what your biggest dreams are.

And I remember writing down on my list, I want to work with Hollywood's biggest

stars. I want to be in movies with the biggest stars in the world.

Next day, I'm at the gym.

Now I'm friends with the girl behind the counter, Suzanne.

She was a sweetheart.

I'm talking to her. She hits a buzzer because there was a door that only –

because in Hollywood, there's VIP doors to a gym, right?

So they don't have to walk around the building. She hits the buzzer.

This guy walks in wearing a Yankee hat. He stands right next to me.

And he goes, good morning, Suzanne. I look at this dude, and I'm like, that's

Denzel Washington!

Right there, 2005, man on fire, Denzel.

I wrote down, Tony Robbins, work with stars. He's standing right here. I'm

Tony Robbins is real!

Right? I remember calling my mom afterwards. I'm like, Mom, I met Denzel

Washington. She's like, you did?

I'm like, I didn't really meet him, but you could tell he was nice.

You know what I mean? He was right there.

Okay.

I'm having more fun than you guys are.

So, like, two weeks later.

I'm working out with the winners for a solid month now.

I'm talking to Suzanne. She hits the buzzer. Who walks in? That's right, man

fire himself, right? And he's smiling at me, and he was like, hey, man, I've

seen you in here a lot. You have amazing energy. What's your name? And I'm just

staring at like a little kid at Santa.

My name's Steve.

And he goes, nice to meet you, Steve.

And he goes, my name is, I go, I know who you are. And he starts, he does that

Denzel laugh, like, huh, I can't do the impression, but you know what I'm

talking about?

He's like, you do?

I'm like, yeah, I'm a big fan. You're awesome.

And he goes, that's great. He goes, well, you know what I do?

He goes, but what do you do? I'm like, I'm a comedian.

And he goes, a comedian?

He goes, I love comedy.

He goes, I'm always in movies beating people up or killing them. He goes, I

would love to do a comedy. And I go.

Why don't I write it for you? He goes, you're a writer too? I go, yeah.

He goes, well, why don't you write it for both of us? And I'm like, that's

awesome, Mr. Washington.

He goes, don't call. He goes, call me D and pumps my fist like a winner. And he

hits it. I'm like, boom, one moment in time.

I'm imagining telling this story to 2 ,000 people, to Tony Robbins. Like, it's

all real.

Conceive it. Believe it. Achieve it, right?

I'm floating for like two weeks of joy.

Now, about two weeks later, I'm on the treadmill.

There's nobody on that level of the gym.

And I was too poor to buy an iPod. This is when technology started to change.

And I used to have the old Sony Walkman, but I didn't want all the winners to

know I was poor.

Because the worst, being poor sucks.

But people knowing you're poor is worse than actually being poor.

It is, right, dude? So I was in the dollar store and they sold these little

radios. They were this big. It was a radio. And I would just put it in my

pocket. And like if anybody looked at it, I would just move my hand and slide

in my pocket. Like you don't even know what this is. This is, I'm richer than

you, right?

So I'm listening to the radio, just doing the chubby guy walk on the

It's about 6 a .m.

You know, where you're like, it's still a workout.

Okay, still counts.

Like, you know when you see, like, a soccer mom, like, walking around the

neighborhood? That's the pace I'm hitting.

Just listening to the radio. Who walks in?

Denzel Washington walks in, and he's not a creep. He doesn't get it. There's 20

treadmills. He doesn't get on the one right next to me.

He leaves two open.

And he was like, what's up, Steve?

And I'm like, what up, D?

Boom. So he's walking. I'm walking.

He starts to jog. I'm like, I'll start to jog.

You know what I mean?

And then he starts to pick up the pace.

And I'm like, sweet baby Jesus, send me a good song.

At that time, Van Halen, Panama comes on the radio right then. You guys might

not believe in God, but that's all the evidence I need.

He's a God of little miracles. You know what I mean? It's a song on the radio, a

parking space, right? And I'm like.

Ma, right? And now he's running, and he's starting to throw punches. I don't

know how to punch. I'm throwing punches, right? Like, I'm your sidekick, bro.

I'm your sidekick.

But now it's all commercials on the radio. It's commercials, commercials.

I'm like, God, send me a good song.

And I land on the country music station, and I hear the sound of, like, the

steel guitar. It's the saddest sound I've ever heard.

And this guy starts pouring out his heart.

I found out later the name of the song is called Remember When by Alan Jackson.

It's the saddest song ever. It's about falling in love with his wife, and she

broke his heart, and he broke her heart.

And I'm trying not to cry because there goes the movie deal. You know what I

mean? Like, you can't have a crybaby sidekick.

So I'm biting my lip and digging my nails into my hand. And then he sings

lyric. He goes, and the sound of little feet was music.

And I go, what's he talking about? And I go, he's talking about his babies. And

I don't cry. I made this sound. I went.

like that and Denzel goes hey man are you okay I go yeah I'm just listening to

country music and he starts to laugh and he goes be careful to do that to you

but

the truth was I wasn't okay

my life got worse until I started to go back to church

See how quiet you guys get now?

I don't think it's any coincidence we're doing this on this very special night.

Because God's real.

God's real and he loves you. He loves you.

And the only thing you have to do to change your life is accept that love.

just wants to give you a hug. I say take it. I love you New York. God bless you

guys.

You guys were awesome. God bless you.

See, when you brought up Pat James, it made me remember him.

God rest his soul.

God rest his soul.

He was the first person who died that I was happy about it.

Well,

this is how he became my friend.

I've never told this story. So we used to work the door at the comedy store

before somebody got shot.

And then they brought in real security. We were the bouncers, right?

Us.

Mitzi Shore, $25 little dude for stage time.

One time I had to throw somebody out. It was Rogan on stage. He was like going

back and eventually like, you got to get out of here. And I went over there. The

door, the bouncer was like, hey, you got to go. And this guy goes, no.

All right, I'll talk to somebody else.

This is how I became friends with Pat James.

Remember Eddie Griffin would do those marathon shows?

Do like three, four, five hours. Yeah, instigate the audience sometimes. So

there was a big like trucker dude who was getting angry at Eddie Griffin. He's

like, I'll crack you one, right?

So I keep on telling the guy to calm down, to relax.

Well, at one point the guy goes towards the stage and I was so angry at the

time. I'm like, finally.

And I kicked the guy. He was a big guy, but I kicked him behind the knee and he

buckled. And I got him in a pro wrestling move. I don't know how to

watched a lot of wrestling as a kid. And I got him in the Ken Patera swinging

neck breaker.

But then all of his buddies started to jump in and I'm like trying to figure

what's going on.

Then a force of nature came in. He goes, I got your back, brother.

I got your back. And Fat James came in like juggernaut and started crushing

people. And I walked him in the dean's office. I go, give that kid a chance.

shirt wow yeah i forgot he was a marine yeah

please please tell them the story i know james isn't having laughing about this

tell the story about the meanest thing i ever saw at an open mic the meanest

thing i've ever seen at an open mic the impression of fat james yes by the way

you've called him fat james to his face he was happy with it It was like a

gangster name. So we saw him.

Oh, that's James. That's James.

Yeah, he was like, hi, I'm James.

He had a pinky ring. He had a convertible car and the license plate

-Wop. Yeah. He was tremendous.

He had a purple suit. He did two episodes of It's Always Sunny in

He was the greatest.

More than any of us, really.

My career is still not as good. So we saw a picture of him as a Marine. He was

just cut up with the same pompadour hair.

And we found out what happened is he came home and found his wife or his

girlfriend. His wife. He found his wife in bed with his friend.

His best friend. His best friend. And then after that, they broke up, and then

he gained all the weight. Here's my impression of Fat James the day after

fighting.

His wife in bed with his best friend.

I already did that

right after Fat James left the stage.

You're so cruel.

Buddy, I love you. Stay out of your mama.

Team Simone, one more time, you guys. Get rid of them boys.

He has a unique credit that no one else in the world has. He's the only man on

earth to do, in one week, both Skank Fest.

and host Saturday Night Live.

A feat that will never be toppled.

He is one of the greatest comics in the country, in the world, and you guys love

him. Please help me welcome my friend, Mr. Nate Bargatze, everybody!

All right,

this is it.

It's, you know...

Ari's one of the more difficult people to be friends with.

It's crazy.

I, as a guy, I'm a Christian, and I would like to say that after you heard

speak.

It's insane.

He should be in jail. He's filming it.

He's filming it to show other people so everybody sees it. So I

don't associate.

You know, I think I'm.

The hard part of being a Christian is you're supposed to hang out with the

of that.

You're not supposed to judge, and you're like, but you don't, you know, have you

talked to him? Have you been around him? That's what I would like to ask Jesus.

Have you seen him? Have you been paying attention to what he's doing, though?

I think I've been somewhat prepared to be. I mean, I do. When I came up in New

York, all my closest friends all gang fester. It's all people that do the

opposite. If you're not familiar with my comedy, I'm doing just the exact

opposite of what he's doing.

But I've always worked.

I always had a job. I tried to go to college, and it didn't work out. I never

was going to have a real job.

And so all the jobs I could go back to, like none of them has changed.

It's all just like lifting objects.

I could show up tomorrow to every job I've had and just be like, are we still

lifting with our legs?

And look, when I was doing it a long time ago, people still were lifting with

their backs.

You might be.

and think it's obvious legs.

But I was right in the mix.

Like, still a lot of back guys.

And the younger was like, I think it's knees.

So I worked for my buddy Hunter's Delivery Service.

And it's not around anymore.

He's a great guy, Jimmy Hunter. And so he...

He was just a dude that would, like, get any job. He had trucks, and he would go

deliver for Lowe's and Home Depot or just be moving people. We just almost

didn't really know what we were ever going to go do.

So the people that go work that kind of job are, you know, it's like people that

are, I don't know, you're just fine with chaos a little bit, almost like a

comic. You live like that. You don't know where your next check is going to

come. You're just kind of waking up and seeing what's happening.

So we delivered a refrigerator to this old lady.

So she was probably in her 80s, very, very old. And so we go and bring the

refrigerator in. When we would bring it in, we would always remove the

refrigerator. When you move it, that's when you get to see, like, no one cleans

behind their refrigerator.

And everybody's like, oh, well, we just did it.

Everybody acts like, I just cleaned it. I can't believe it got crazy.

And you have a refrigerator for 50 years. Like, it's not.

So usually they would go back. So I remember we delivered this one. We're

the refrigerator back out. And this woman, she has a dead cat.

Yeah. Yeah.

Behind the refrigerator.

And wasn't like even didn't really react too much.

She she goes, she was like, oh, like, and you could.

It's like you could tell, like, she did not know where that cat went.

And I saw relief. I thought there was real relief of just,

you know, a question that was answered that looked like 10 to 15 years. She's

wondered.

Where has that cat been?

There it is. She's like, okay.

Just seeing her go, okay.

You know what? That makes sense now.

And so we would always, you know, while we went to get the new one, they would

use a clean it. But she was an older lady and did not clean it. And so we

the new refrigerator back on the cat.

You know, that's one of those things, what are you going to do? You've got to

draw the line somewhere.

We're not cat movers as well. You know, you've got to be like, all right, I

don't, you know, she's fine with it.

So we then, we turn around, it was like a dead -end street.

And then we, like, so we go down and we turn around and we come back and another

car passes us down.

And this was the exact same street.

It seems like you're going to see what?

We turn.

We're driving. I hear sounds like firecrackers going off.

And I'm like, I don't know what it is. I see a kid in the road. He takes off

running. There's a drive -by shooting happening behind us. Not her house, but

just another house.

So they're just shooting up this house.

So then we're like, I can't believe it's happening.

And we're kind of like, you know, it's not a wide road. And we're in a...

big box truck.

So we kind of swerved, and then they shoot at our truck.

And so they shoot two at our truck, and then we get out of the way, then they

take off, and then they turn right, and whatever happened, nothing, you know,

nothing ever happened. They just went, like, what's going on? I don't know if

you can call the police.

Even if you're in the house, you'd be like, there was a drive -by.

Who did it? Who knows? Who knows?

That's the point of the whole idea, that type of shooting.

That type of shooting works out because you're using the car.

And I didn't even think, like, let's get a look,

you know.

So we looked. So I had a bullet actually went about this far above my head.

It went all the way through the truck window.

And it was an insane experience, insane day.

And the guy who was with me, he's like, are you shot?

And I feel like we're in the, you know, the movies where you're, because you see

people get shot.

in the movies and they're like, I think I'm fine. And they're like, their

shirt's red.

And you're like, maybe they don't feel it, dude. Like, so I thought that, like,

you know, guys walk around for a couple weeks and they're like, dude, I was, I

am shocked. I just found out.

It seems like it's not that big of a deal until you notice it. Then it's

one of the worst things that could happen to you.

So, I, everybody was fine.

Now, the reason he was asking me that, the guy that was driving the truck, his

name's Jamie.

Jamie has been shot in the face before.

Yeah.

The first day I worked with him, my buddy Jimmy, he goes, Jamie's been shot

the face.

Don't bring it up.

That's what he told me.

And I'm 19.

And I got in the truck, and I mean, within 30 seconds.

I was just like, you ever been shot in the face before? I just brought it.

I just try to say it like this is just a normal. These are the questions I ask.

You know, that's crazy that you have.

So, Jamie, we were he I mean, he didn't have a license. There's all this stuff

like you're with people that, you know, I was growing up. You have some idea of

the law.

And you have IDs and all that. And then he's just like, oh, I'll go to jail if a

cop even hears I'm out driving around.

So we delivered to one house. It was this old house. I have a ghost story.

is all kind of crazy.

I have my one ghost story. So we're delivering to this house.

It was in Nashville.

And this time we're delivering mattresses. We've moved on from

We're in the mattress game now.

I would stand on the back of the truck, and Jamie would go knock on the door to

see if the person was home.

So Jamie's knocking on the door, and no one's coming to the door. Where I'm

standing, I can see inside the house.

And I'm like watching the guy walk around, like kind of the silhouette of a

And he's just going back and forth. And so I'm like, dude, he's right there.

And Jamie's like, you know, he's ringing the doorbell, knocking the door. He's

not coming. I was like, dude, I'm staring at like this dude is just

around like it's crazy.

So we start, keep banging, nothing.

So we're like, all right, whatever. We go to leave.

Jamie, before we could get a little bit from the.

door a guy runs downstairs he's got a towel on no shirt soaking wet and he

i'm sorry i was upstairs in the shower i didn't hear you and it's already like

kind of a weird you're like all right well i was watching you walk around so

whatever so you just go with it you don't even get you just go okay this

out of his mind uh here's your mattress and but he tells us the house was on

unsolved mysteries

And he said, there's a pretty active ghost that lives in that house.

So I think it was a ghost.

That's, like, pretty fun.

I told Jamie, he was like, no, I don't think it is. He does not believe in

ghosts. And he goes, I don't think it is. And I go, I think it was.

I think, because here's what, the only things it could be.

Either, it's either a ghost or that guy walks around.

Where you can see him.

And he's got a towel on.

Waiting for this.

Waiting for you to knock on the door.

Let you knock to the point of frustration.

And then as you leave, he pours water on his head.

And then just lies to your face.

And to be honest, I don't even know which one I would want it to be.

I...

I like both of those things.

I would love to see a ghost, and I'd love to meet a guy that would go through

all that.

So that's my story. Thank you, guys, very much.

And I don't know if you understand what cold, it's like the devil. Yeah.

He doesn't feel cold.

Because, I mean, people are shivering. It's like, it's the most like this.

When I get to hell, the devil will be like, now do you miss it?

Yeah. Do you think you would feel it? Yeah, I think. There's literally one fat

guy in here and that's it.

Why are we setting it for them? You look like the.

Like the devil's nephew.

Like it's where you're like, ugh.

Like it's not, he's not a son, but he acts like it. He's like, no, it's my

nephew. You know.

And then he's like.

Like son, I'm the same kid. And he's like, I don't know. He doesn't even have

all the power. Can he do stuff? He has no powers. He has no powers.

But he just walks around like he has all the power, but he doesn't. I'll tell my

uncle. I'll tell my uncle. I don't want to say.

This guy literally does where basketball teams play.

We just got the AC right here. I used to until this comes out.

I love you.

I love you too, buddy. I would be here for you any day. I appreciate it, buddy.

Thanks, bro.

Hope you had a good time.

I'm your host, Ari Shaffir. Thank you very much for coming.

Enjoy your evenings. Make your own stories. Have a good night, everybody.

Joe, Joe Lentz, come here for a second.

We just discovered this tonight.

Come here.

Joe Lentz, everybody.

Hey, Joe Lentz.

Ari wants me to come back. I don't know what to say other than I was there that

night.

It was March 28th, 9 .49 p .m. It's not a great photo, but you can see Jim

ripping it up, ladies.

And you can see him like this. Yeah.

It was killer. But I will corroborate, I was in the crowd like eighth row, and I

was like, Springsteen, here we go.

And I was like, oh, all right, all right, Jim Brewer, okay, sure, yeah.

No, it was awesome. He ripped it, and it was great. And that's all I have to

say. I don't know what else to say.

How's it going, guys?

I left a wallet there.