Original subtitles

[whooshing]

He's too fast!

We need to slow that Rainbow Rider down

if we have any hope at all of barding it.

Slow-mo darts should do the trick.

[electronic hum]

[screaming]

Oh! Oh, no! Watch out!

[speaking in slow motion] Oh, no!

Get the Rainbow Rider!

Yeah, yeah, I get it, the Rainbow Rider!

Stop the crazy fast guy we can't see.

[screams]

Smoking boots...

that are actually smoking.

Sweet.

Good job.

Oh, man.

Now we've got to wait here with him for an hour

for the spell to wear off

or carry his butt back to HQ.

Uh, we'll meet you back at the HQ.

Come on. We can go mess around with Wyatt's laptop.

It'll take him forever to get there.

Not my laptop!

[Wyatt] You owe me a new hard drive,

and you're not keeping the boots.

That is completely and totally unfair.

I barded the Rainbow Rider.

These boots are my loot.

Okay, we all battled the Rider, one.

And two, those boots are booty,

and all booty belongs in the booty box.

[laughing]

Booty.

Would you two stop laughing

if I called it the loot locker?

[laughs] Locker.

Look, you're just hating because it took you an hour to walk over here.

[slow motion] Wait up.

Not my computer.

I just think we should be safe

and keep this stuff under lock and key.

We don't want it ending up in the wrong hands.

Like mine?

You don't trust me, do you?

Do you trust you?

Of course I don't.

That's deep, man.

Takes a big boy to admit he doesn't trust himself.

- Thanks. - Okay, close your eyes.

- Dante-- - What do you expect? We just went over this.

- Eyes. - Okay. Go.

So sad.

I found out that Rainbow Riders

are harmless creatures from the Deltoid Delta,

just super fast sprites

who are more mischievous than dangerous.

- We're done for. - What?

- New leak? - Worse.

The school has just disbanded the JV Street Luge Team.

- What? Why? Who? - Street Luge Team?

I didn't even know there was a Street Luge Team.

- What? Who? - And I did not know Wyatt has panic attacks.

Snap out of it, muchacho! Okay?

Wyatt and I joined the team to get out of going to P.E.

- How? What? - [together] Aah!

Technically, the Street Luge was cancelled a year ago

when Coach Cocky missed the turn at Breakneck Corner

and luged into a wrought-iron fence.

But thanks to some clever hacking,

we were able to keep it alive on paper until now.

[sobs] Here's your lock.

Which means that we're going to have to go to--

[both whimper]

...gym class.

What's the big deal with P.E.?

What's the big deal with P.E.?

Wyatt.

If we're to believe everything we see in movies,

and we do, P.E. is nothing but

a barrage of wet towel beatings

and dodge-ball related head trauma.

And running, lots of running around the track.

- It's a circle, folks. - It's a circle.

You end up right where you started.

Okay, they shoved him in a locker.

That is five shoved in a locker,

scene seven-- dodge-ball massacres

and too many rope climbs ending in being pants to count.

Why are you doing that?

You're just going to work yourself

up a Wyatt what-why-who frenzy.

I'm developing a strategy, see?

If I get locked in a locker,

at least nobody can pull down my pants.

Okay, here's the only thing

you need to be thinking about gym class,

two words-- lay-dies.

Oh, you're right. Now I have to worry about the way girls

are going to pick on me.

No, think about it.

You're going to be locked in a room

with girls wearing cute shorts

and their hair pulled back in interesting ways,

beauty in its purest form.

They don't really lock you in a room in gym class, do they?

That would be a fire hazard.

If you can't focus on the Bettys and Veronicas,

then let me give you the only other piece of advice you'll need.

Best way to avoid being a target

is to prove that you're not the weakest link.

Just act all bat-poo crazy,

and people'll back off and leave you alone.

At least I'll have Dante with me.

He's naturally bat-poo crazy.

[chuckles]

Hugginson, hey.

Your big game, your gigantic poster,

you're tall, you hang it.

I would but I can't risk paper cuts before the big game.

This is our year to take down those jerks at Crosstown High

and their stupid mascot Conroy the Cougar.

That cramp used our long jump pit as a litter box.

- Oh, no. - [Coach] Hugginson.

I've got some bad news.

- Take a knee. - Coach, we're in the hallway.

Right. I'm going to let it go this time.

Kowalski, our number-one receiver, your go-to guy,

the guy's going to win the game for us on Friday?

- Yeah. - Yeah, he's hurt.

- What? - Some kind of butt injury.

- I don't know the details. - I don't want to hear the details.

Some kind of accident in the bathroom.

I wish I could unhear that.

Anyway, count on losing the game on Friday

and the Friday after that.

Season is a wash, people.

It's a wash!

Good pep talk. [chuckles]

[Wyatt groaning]

- What? Why? - [student passes gas]

Do you really think telling the team they're going to lose

is the best way to get them psyched for the big game?

Hey, I'm a truth teller. I tell it like it is.

When I heard Kowalski backed into a radiator

at home after a shower, I knew we were done for.

Radiator? I heard he went down a waterslide with no water,

and the friction melted his shorts right to his buttocks.

[chattering]

[screaming]

- Coach, I'm not kneeling! [chuckling] - [whistle blows]

Dante, Coach Farber wants to talk to you.

[buzzer sounds]

Continue.

Listen, I'm more of a visual learner

than a verbal learner,

so if you're going to say something,

I probably won't understand it.

- Son, take a knee. - Visual.

[clears throat]

I'm sure you heard about Kowalski's butt burn.

It's all anyone's talking about.

Kowalski's butt burn.

Awesome band name.

With speed like yours on Friday night,

we will destroy Crosstown High.

Destroy? You said we were going to lose.

Hey, I'm an all-or-nothing guy.

You want me on the football team? [laughs]

I'm more of a guy

who eats dropped hot dogs under the bleachers

during football games.

Well, now, you are going to be on the field.

Uh, I'm not so sure--

If you are on the team,

you don't have to take...

gym class.

I am right here.

Take me with you, please.

[laughing] Yeah.

- [whistle blows] - Yeah.

[laughing]

What I want to know

is why Kowalski was bare-butting at the aquarium. Hut.

Aquarium? I heard Big Joe Chalms made him eat

a triple dose of chili buffalo wings.

I mean, he got them down, but the next morning,

let's just say there was an exit wound.

And then he sat on a bee hive.

Ooh.

Gentlemen, our disaster is over.

You remember that speech I gave before practice

about not having a chance on Friday?

You're not going to give it again, are you?

Because I can't try no more, Coach.

I'm all dried up.

You're not going to have to, son

because of this young man.

Dante Ontero is here to save the day.

You work him in as receiver.

Shut the front door.

Coach Farber said that you guys

were little birdies with broken wings

and that you needed a pterodactyl like me

to fly this team to the victory volcano.

- Coach said that? - Yeah.

You're just playing football

so you don't have to go to P.E., aren't you?

What about Wyatt?

Wait, Lyle, you know this shrimp?

Uh, no. I mean, I've seen him around

with that other guy that I don't know-- Wyatt.

Look, Dante, this isn't goofing off at the skate park.

This is football, a real sport,

with cheerleaders, amusing animal mascots,

and electrolyte punishing sports drinks,

stuff that matters.

You can't just step upon the grid iron

and expect to become a receiver.

Really? Because I just did. [warbling]

Okay, I think you're doing this as a big joke,

and I'm calling your bluff.

- Go long. - Yeah? Yeah?

I'm going to catch. I'm going to catch this bluff.

Ready for me to catch "zee" bluff?

Let's do it, yeah. Come on.

Hut!

Whoo!

What's up? [hooting]

Where's my sports drink?

Oh, yeah!

[grunting]

[weeping]

Are you crying again, man?

Tears of joy, man. Tears of joy.

We're going to crush Crosstown High.

[sobs]

[grunting]

Yeah! What up, Lyle?

Have you seen Dante?

He's about this tall,

smiles like he's either off the deep end

or having a great time.

Face forward, meat.

[chuckles]

Find something else to focus on.

Ladies, those are some interesting hairstyles--

ponytail, bun, ooh, la la, French braid.

Ugh, Angie.

Who taught you how to hit a shuttlecock, your grandma?

Looking solid out there, Prietto.

The way you play, they should call it "goodminton."

Uh, kind.

Heads up, meat!

- Goal! - [cheers]

I did it. I did it.

I'm on your team, neuron.

You. Two minutes for fighting.

What? No, no, he started it.

Don't give me that, Wyatt. You just went berserk.

Into the penalty box. You sit out for two minutes.

Sit out for two minutes?

[teacher blows whistle] Continue.

[Angie] How's gym class?

Horrible until I figured out

that if I'm bat-poo crazy,

I'll be okay.

- What? - You'll see.

♪ This morning I woke up

- [growling] - [whistle blowing]

[laughing]

[whistle blows]

♪ And it felt kind of strange ♪

[whistle blows]

♪ There's something going on here ♪

- [whistle blows] - Oh. No problem.

♪ Or I'm just crazy insane

♪ Come on, come on

♪ Get up, get up

♪ Let's go, won't you follow me? ♪

♪ Let's go, won't you follow me now? ♪

♪ Won't someone follow me now? ♪

Pretty clever, Mr. Penalty Man.

Not as clever as what Dante did to get out of gym class entirely.

That guy cannot be trusted.

So those are...

The very ones.

Which means you found the...

- Totally. - Where?

Plane cockpit.

I was a ninja stealth.

He'll never know.

Right.

You know, Wyatt said they were hidden

in plane sight.

Why did he even give us a hint?

He's a gamer. He can't help it.

[class bell rings]

- Yikes, I've got to jet. - Whoa.

[chuckles] Dante, you're cool.

You should get some fries and gravy with us

at Bear Superstar Diner.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, sure, you should.

Well, tomorrow's the big day, boys.

Crosstown High and that smug little mascot of theirs

is finally going to get what's coming to them

thanks to that magical combination

of Ontero and Hugginson.

- [barks] - Uh, Coach.

I think you mean mostly Hugginson, right,

and a little bit of Ontero, my man.

Hey, we're all equals here, okay?

Well, except for me. [laughs]

And let's face it, Ontero is pretty amazing.

Hoo-ra.

Here's your uni.

Oh, uh,

I'm probably more comfortable

wearing my own shoes

rather than these spiky things.

It's not a fashion show, okay?

You gotta wear regulation gear.

Coach, but, see, the thing is

these are Dante's lucky shoes,

so we were thinking

that maybe we could figure something out

so that he could wear them.

Look, you want to put a rabbit's foot down your pants,

eat a four-leaf clover,

you knock yourself out, okay?

But the ref is not going to let you on the field

without regulation cleats.

Huh?

You thinking what I'm thinking?

That we're totally borked?

Supercalifraga-borked.

[whimpers]

[students chattering]

Hey, everybody, let's hear it for Dante.

[cheering]

Or not. I haven't played yet.

You never know about these things.

Ah, buddy, Dante!

[all chanting] Dante, Dante...

[retching]

What's up?

Nothing.

Just Barbara's soy sausage surprise for brekkie again.

How's gym class?

I'm surviving, no thanks to you.

Nice boots,

or should I say nice paint job

on ill-gotten boots.

I thought the boots

would keep me from getting my butt kicked in gym.

And what about me and gym?

You were very clear

you didn't want to use any of the stuff

from the booty box.

I was very clear

I didn't want any of us

using the stuff from the booty box.

Well, maybe you--

[retches]

...should have been clearer about that.

Okay? I didn't think the boots

would land me on the football team.

I just thought they'd keep me

from getting pummeled in P.E.,

and they saved your face, right?

I guess so. P.E.'s not actually that bad.

I'm the most penalized player in floor hockey history.

I'm sitting more than I do in science class.

- Hope you're happy. - I'm miserable.

I just found out I can't wear the boots

during the game.

See? These things always lead to trouble.

Oh, I wish I'd turn back time so you never took those boots.

Wish? Stop wishing and start enjoying this.

I'll run around the world at super speed,

reverse the Earth's rotation,

and turn back time.

That is not going to work.

That's what they said to Abraham Lincoln,

and he traveled back in time.

That is why you're failing history

and science.

- You wanted to talk, Mr. Black. - [gasps]

You know, I didn't think it was possible

for anyone to fail physical education,

but you may be the first.

What?

You spend more time in the penalty box

than you do playing.

I grade on participation,

not relaxitation.

An F will put a serious dent in my perfect GPA,

which will completely destroy my 20-year plan,

and then I'll never be a fireman on the moon!

Okay, I made that plan when I was six,

but I'm sticking to it.

What do I have to do to get an A?

[groans]

- Get over it, Wyatt. - Do I get extra credit for extra pain?

[groans]

- Hey, you seen Dante? - He's running around the Earth trying to turn back time.

Well, he better be doing something to fix this.

[whooshes]

[gasps] I did it.

I did it. I ran around the Earth.

- What year is it. - You did not time travel.

You just missed an hour of school.

Oh, yeah?

Well, if it is the future,

then what did I have for breaky yesterday?

That makes no sense.

Oh, man! I didn't go back in time.

Curse you, Abraham Lincoln.

Also not making sense-- the people you blame it on.

- [class bell rings] - [exhales]

I guess I'm going to have to try my best

without these shoes.

Translation-- I'm going to get mutilated on the football field.

I just got mutilated in gym.

Mutilation club? What's up, yeah?

[groans] Next time you run around the world, wear socks.

And for his display of Trojan fighting spirit,

we dedicate this game

to Kyle Kowalski,

who taught us all a lesson

about zip-lines and porcupines.

[audience applauding]

Hey, stay on your side, Cougar!

Kowalski's never getting a date

from anyone at the school ever again.

Get out there, boys! Go!

Get out there!

Go! Get in there!

Get rough! Yeah!

[whistle blows]

Yep.

Oh, look, they're all huddled in some sort of meeting circle.

All right, Ontero, this is it.

You're up. Bring it home, son.

You snap right, tiger left.

Get 'em in there.

No, I'm not sure that's the best idea, Coach.

I'm not paying you to think.

I'm paying you to play football.

You're not paying me at all.

Get in there!

- Get! - [whistle blows]

- [cheering] - Yeah!

All right, boys, let's hold it down.

Dante, get out of here.

Go back and sit down.

What are you doing?

- Get in there! - [stammers]

Oh.

Come on!

All right, guys, let's try a 36 toss.

What are you doing back here? I told you, just go.

The coach said I had to come back.

I don't get it. Dante's our guy, remember?

We all chanted his name in the hallway.

That doesn't happen by accident, you know.

- All right, 34 power, on one, ready? - [sobbing]

Break!

[whistle blows]

- [growling] - [stammering]

I'm warning you. I scream like a little girl.

- [growls] - [whimpers]

W-W-Whoa.

- Get off the field! - [whistle blowing]

[audience groans]

- What's that? - The Crosstown High Cougar's out of control!

What--

Is it over?

Am I dead?

It's me, Wyatt.

What? What? What are you doing?

You saved my butt in gym class.

I'm saving yours on the football field.

Thanks, man,

but where is the real Crosstown Cougar?

Help! Let me out of here! It really smells!

Okay, when I get up, chase me

and pretend you sprained something.

Okay. Hey, how'd you learn to tackle like that, my friend?

Just something I picked up in gym class.

Okay, let's do it. Let's go.

[groaning]

I sprained this part of my leg.

This game is forfeit.

Daventry wins due to mascot interference.

Yeah!

Whoo!

Yeah!

Kill that cougar!

We did it!

I mean, not like I thought we would,

but a win's a win.

Where's Wyatt?

That's him.

I bet he's glad I took those boots now.

He's going to love my foot fungus.

[moans]

No more magical footwear.

These blisters are killer.

But this foot bath feels amazing.

Hey, how come it smells like soup?

Because it is soup, chicken noodle.

It cures everything.

It cures colds, you neuron.

You're supposed to eat it.

All right.

Mm.

No!

Good. [slurps]