Original subtitles

Look at that speed.

Damien.

He's clocking at 9 miles per hour.

Ooh! Let's get his info.

Paris team is looking good.

They were the laughingstock of the Hospitality Olympics

last year, but they've really turned things around.

They've got a strong anchor.

Mm.

She's quick, but I worry about precision.

We're only staffing the best of the best at the Diva.

Ooh, is that what you're calling the casino?

Mm-hmm.

The Diva. I like that.

Diva.

Ooh! Look at that little one.

He lets the suck of the vacuum pull him.

He'll be less prone to injury.

Smart.

Okay. Done.

- I like his passion. - No. Can't do it.

- Horrible at trivia. - Call it. Call it, ref.

Yes! Who do you think you are?

I am.

I am Ray, motherfuckers!

Pretty good.

Come on, let's go. It needs to be perfect.

Work for this. Work for this.

This is where a hotel succeeds or fails--

a well-made bed.

That's almost all there is.

Look at him in the vest.

I like the way he handles the top sheet.

Go, Sophie! Go! Go!

I did not wanna bring you tonight.

Prove me wrong!

He's a surgeon.

Quick but measured, efficient but not careless.

Fold that top!

Hospital corners!

We went over this, Sophie!

Jesus Christ!

Check, check.

Whoo! Yes!

I am the best bedmaker in the world!

Okay, girl, I see you.

- I'm buzzed, buzzed. - Moment of truth.

Buzzed, buzzed.

- Good girl! - See? I'm on your side, girl.

Oh.

You know what I miss? Go Fish.

Mom! Mom!

Hi, guys.

Mom, I need you.

Oh, no, honey. Is Aidan leaving you?

This is what men do.

They leave.

Okay, you gotta make sure that all the vehicles

- are in your name. - No.

- Are they? - No, no, no, no.

- Are they? - Mom!

They're finally doing "Celebrity Amazing Race"!

- Oh. - Remember?

You said that you would go on it with me

- if they ever made it? - Oh.

Oh, yeah.

No, DJ, you know that I'm gagged.

I can't do any TV.

No performing for months.

Nice try. I called your lawyer.

- You called Stewart? - Well, that's what you get

for suing me for criminal negligence

for breaking Grandma's teapot, okay?

Stewart and I have developed a lovely working relationship,

and he says you're in the clear,

as long as this season airs after the non-compete expires.

- And it does! So suck it! - No.

You are not allowed to do a reality show.

That has always been our rule.

Mom, this is really important to me, okay?

You know it's important to me.

"Amazing Race" got me sober.

Excuse me, I think $400,000 worth of rehab got you sober.

Nope, that failed.

Episodes of "The Amazing Race" got me through

some really dark times, okay?

Phil Keoghan is my higher power.

And you promised me that if I got sober,

we would go on it together.

Okay. Okay.

You're right. I'll think about it.

Yeah, think about it.

But I need an answer by 5:00, okay?

Plus, if we win, we get a million dollars,

which covers my allowance for the year.

Well, honey, I think all that money goes to charity.

Oh, fuck! Really? Ugh.

That's so stupid. You know what?

I'm sure there's a workaround. I still wanna do it.

I'm gonna go practice driving on the wrong side of the road.

- Christ. - Yeah.

Look, I don't think it's the worst thing

in the world for you to go on a reality show.

I mean, there'll be a big announcement revealing

the cast, and you can get them to plug

MSG in the press release.

You know, she's right.

Reality shows do give celebrities fresh relevance.

That's true.

But the problem with reality shows is,

you cannot control the narrative.

I mean, that's why I've turned down Andy Cohen

more than every twink on Fire Island.

And they can make you look however they want.

I mean, don't worry about me, but I mean, they could really

make DJ look like a fool.

I mean, she doesn't seem too worried to me.

Yeah.

And having her as my teammate,

we'd probably be out in the first leg.

I could be home in a week.

You do need to sell tickets.

Well, I guess it looks like I'm doing "The Amazing Race."

Whoo!

Girl, I cannot wait to watch your ass.

Gonna be great.

Oh, that's bad too.

Food waste is so depressing.

You know this is the fourth blackout we've had this year?

It's the sixth.

Two happened during separate 12-hour naps you were taking.

Not sleeps, naps.

And you slept those nights too.

That's even worse.

Thank God I'm such a good napper or I'd be even more

stressed out about the climate crisis.

And don't monitor my sleep.

It's private.

But it's fascinating.

- Jimbo! What's up? - Hey.

So I just finished lunch with Jessica Duncan,

and I have great news.

She loves the "Who's Making Dinner" idea.

- She wants to hear it. - Are you serious?

Yeah, she flipped out.

- Are you peeing? - What?

Call me back if you're peeing.

I can talk to you in a second.

No, I'm making coffee, although I have peed

while we were on the phone before.

Okay.

Anyway, I wanna get you and Deborah in a room with her.

Is Deborah excited?

Because this could be really big.

Um, I have not yet--

I haven't talked to Deborah yet.

Well, you need to ASAP.

Also, I do need to flag one issue with the rights.

Apparently, when Frank died, he left them to Kathy.

Please tell me you mean Najimy.

Why would I mean Kathy Najimy?

No, Kathy, her sister, the one who hates her.

I even tried to grease the wheels.

I gave her a call today, but she wanted

to get off the phone because she said I was, quote,

"an enabler of her abuser." - Whew.

Which I think is unfair, but you know what?

We all have our narratives, so whatever.

Whatever to her.

She's a fucking bitch.

Okay, well, uh, I'll--

I'll talk to Deborah.

Let me know what our girl says.

And if she is not happy, don't tell me.

Just internalize it.

I think you're packing too much stuff.

Do you really have room for six rolls of toilet paper?

Oh, you can't just downgrade

your toilet tissue out of nowhere.

I haven't had time to build up any kind of a tolerance.

It's a shock to the system.

I mean, you can go to the hospital.

Totally.

Um, hey, while I have you...

so you know how I have that blind script deal?

Mm-hmm.

Well, I figured out what I wanna do.

I wanna reboot "Who's Making Dinner?"

- Oh. - Um, yeah.

It would take place in the same house,

but instead of a young couple, it would follow

some Gen Z friends who have to all

live together to afford it.

I could pitch it, and then you could just,

like, totally rewrite it if you wanted to.

Like, just whichever version works for you,

I feel like, yeah, down with.

But I just wanted to run it by you, because--

I--I really don't wanna do a reboot

of "Who's Making Dinner?"

Okay.

But you should.

No, no.

No, no, I--I wouldn't wanna do it without you.

No, no, no, I'm moving forward with the Garden,

but I give you my blessing.

Are you sure?

I mean, I know it's, like, triggering for you

when people rewrite your story.

Well, I would trust you to do it.

Thanks.

I won't let you down.

I know.

But you know, I don't have the rights.

So I can't help you with that.

Well, maybe you can.

Look at that headshot.

It's at least 20 years old.

We have two offers already, and two others are writing.

So if you're interested, I suggest

- you come in aggressively. - Okay, great, thanks.

What the hell are you doing here?

Nice bones, Kathy.

Not you, the house.

How did you find me?

Do you still have that PI following me?

PI? What PI?

He died.

Is there somewhere we can sit?

If we must.

I was surprised you weren't at the christening.

- What? - We--we both were.

I'm AJ's godmother.

I am AJ's godmother.

Oh, God.

DJ must have had two christenings.

You wanna alternate months?

So, listen--

I know why you're here.

I talked to Jimmy against the advice of my healer.

Deborah, you are not getting the rights to that show.

The thing is, they're not-- they're not for Deborah.

- They're for me. - Ha, sure.

No, really, they are.

What are you going to do with them?

Nothing.

Well, you don't know that.

I journal.

So what's your price?

You obviously need the money.

I don't remember you having a passion

for selling real estate.

You weren't even good at playing house.

Well, you always made me be the maid.

Well, you were a natural.

I'm surprised you could remember anything at all.

I read that you had a psychotic break live on air.

No surprise there. Hope you're getting help.

Just like you got help in the '90s with Prozac?

How did you--

I had DJ go through your trash like a good little girl.

Okay, my sisters, let's turn the volume down.

Kathy, is there anything we could do to change your mind?

Well, there is one thing.

- No. No. Let's go. - What?

When we were little, our mother had these

- salt and pepper shakers. - Do not waste your breath!

They were cherubic, porcelain little blonde girls.

She used to say they looked exactly like us.

We loved them.

That's why we started shaker collections of our own.

Then when Mom passed, Deborah stole them from me.

I never stole them!

Mom said she always wanted me to have them.

I'll give you the rights if you give me back the shakers.

Which is never gonna happen. See?

She's deliberately crushing your dreams.

It's sadistic, really. This woman is sick.

This woman is sick!

- Let's leave. - Sorry.

Don't even think about coming back without those shakers!

Oh.

Window's cracked. Candles are lit.

There's mold. Run. Run.

Hello.

I'm sorry.

I would pay anything.

I just can't--

- I can't do that. - I get it.

I get it. That's okay.

Thank you for trying.

"Amazing Race" contestants, take your places, please.

Oh, my God, this is the best day of my life.

Thank you so much for doing this.

Well, you're welcome, sweetie.

But just remember our deal, okay?

- You're representing the family. - Yeah.

- So when on camera... - Mm-hmm.

- No swearing. - Right.

- No unladylike behavior. - Mm-hmm.

No talking back.

Okay, I mean, when in doubt, ask yourself, WWMD?

- What Would Mommy Do? I know! - Yes, What Would Mommy Do?

- I understand. - Don't talk back.

I didn't. I talked with.

- We said the same thing. - Okay.

- Hey, everyone! - Yes, Phil!

I would officially like to welcome you all

to "The Amazing Race."

Now, since this is our first celebrity race,

why don't we just talk a little bit

about why you are taking part.

Drew and Jonathan, what inspired you to be here today?

Well, we love to compete, so not if, but when we win--

- Very confident. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Okay.

We're gonna be donating our prize money

to the Alzheimer's Association.

We have a family member who died from Alzheimer's.

So we're going on this journey for the patients

and doctors who are running the much harder race,

- the one for a cure. - Okay.

That's a great cause. Great cause.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, JR and Richard.

We are playing for the United Negro College Fund,

who also support HBCUs throughout the country.

Yeah, and the million dollars that we are going to win...

- Absolutely. - Correct.

That's just a fraction of the $26 million

that the United Negro College Fund donates

every single year to scholarships.

Awesome. Another great cause.

Now, what about you, Deborah and DJ Vance?

I'm here to promote my comeback show

at Madison Square Garden, September 11th.

Okay.

How about we get this race started, everybody?

Yeah!

Are you ready for your life-changing adventure?

- Yes, we are. - Let's do it!

- Let's go. - Good luck.

Travel safe.

Go!

- Go, go, go, go! - Come on!

Oh, this is gonna be interesting.

Go, go, go, go!

Grab it, grab it, grab it!

Okay, drive yourselves to LAX and fly to Oaxaca, Mexico.

When you land, make your way to Campo, Los Molinos.

You have $50 for this leg of the race.

- All right. Bag, bag, bag! - Okay, okay.

I'm sweating. I already stink.

Oh, no, no, no, no, honey, we have talked about

a razorback cut on your shoulders!

Stop it! Get in the car!

They'll be expecting us. Get to--

- Right there! - Right there, yeah.

Your next flight to Oaxaca, Mexico, please.

Hola.

We want the same flight they're getting!

Yes, please, please. Hi, Deborah.

I'm like--I'm-- I love you so much.

- I have to say... - Aw, thank you.

I went as you for Halloween all of middle school.

Got the fucking shit kicked out of me.

Worth it!

No, I'm obsessed with you.

Jordan just told me you do comedy too.

He had to tell you that?

Well, now that I know, I'm obsessed.

We should totally work together,

the blonde comedy girls.

- You're a comedian? - Yeah!

Well, I can also talk really, really, really fast.

And what else? Oh!

I can do ASMR.

Do you feel that?

Do you feel it on the back of your neck?

She's major. She's generational talent.

And this is online comedy?

Well, I've also done Broadway and the Hollywood Bowl.

Yeah, she sold out in like, under two seconds.

Yeah, it was super fun.

So should we make this official?

- Alliance, allianciana? - Allianciana!

We could call ourselves the Funny Honeys.

I don't--I don't--

I don't think so, thanks.

Wait, no, Mom. Mom, no, no.

Alliances are a huge part of the race.

Yeah. Okay, so listen.

What if there's a puzzle and we can't figure it out?

Don't you want them to give us a hint on their way out?

That happens literally all the time.

Absolutely not.

She says we're both comedians.

How dare she compare herself to me?

Oh, God.

They will get last and we will win this race.

Come on. Let's go.

Get out of my way!

Don't be afraid to shove! Don't be afraid to shove!

Move it, move it, move it, move it!

Okay, miss, this is not YouTube.

Okay, I got it. I got it. We gotta go. I got it.

No, no, no! Deborah!

- Deborah! - Get out of it.

- Get in the goddamn cab! - You're gonna steal the car?

You know what? Hang on.

- I'm sorry. - I get it.

It's good TV. It's good TV.

What can I say?

We need to go there.

Are you paying "atten-see-on?"

This is very important.

We are in a race for 1 million "doleros."

Rapido! Rapido!

Let's go!

Oh, damn it.

I was hoping they'd be stranded and abducted.

Where are the kidnappers from Sinaloa drug cartel

- when you need them? - Ooh, it's a Roadblock.

That means only one of us can complete the challenge.

Okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay.

Who's the big cheese?

Oh, this one's addressed to me.

Mom, every single contestant is a celebrity, okay?

I can't open it!

What's wrong with your finger?

Okay, yeah!

I understood every word of that.

Transport a wheel of cheese down the hill

using a traditional antique cheese rack.

Once there, you will receive your next clue.

- Ha, okay. - Okay, all right.

Okay, now this sounds complex. I think I should do this one.

- No. No, no, no, no, no, no. - You're not that coordinated.

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.

Hopefully we can complete this quick

and catch up to the other teams.

Wait, honey, honey, your flyaways.

- Stop! - Okay, all right.

Can she take that again?

What are you doing? Are you tying it?

Just tie the cheese.

Trish.

That's it, DJ!

I wanted to say before, um,

I know you got canceled, smear campaigned and everything.

I just wanted to say, like, from cancel queen

to cancel queen, like, it hurts the soul, helps the wallet.

So if I could give you any advice,

you know--who am I to say?

I'm, you know, 19.

Okay, baby!

You got this!

That's it, girl. Come on, honey.

No, no.

Plan every footstep but don't hunch.

You're on camera.

Steady, steady.

Trisha, where are you?

Oh, there she is. You got this, Trish.

Okay, okay.

Oh, my God!

Oh, she's rolling.

Oops.

- Shit, shit, shit! - Oh, my God!

Oh, my ankle!

Honey, stop whimpering. Stop whimpering.

It shows weakness.

All right. Sweetie, one more thing.

You're gonna have to get back up and grab the cheese

and finish the challenge, okay?

Fuck!

She's good.

She's good.

- Ava. - Ooh! Oh, hey.

- What are you doing? - Me? Just me?

- Yeah. - Oh, nothing.

Or I just came down to get a midnight snack,

but then by the time I got here,

I was not hungry anymore 'cause the house is so big

and it took me so long to get down here.

- Totally. - What's up with you?

What are you doing up?

- Just walking the dogs. - Okay.

At this hour? That's curious.

Well, when Deborah's out of town, they get super anxious

and just like, shit everywhere.

Sorry. I'm so tired.

Oh.

I gotta go to bed.

But yeah, it was good to see you.

- Good night. - I'm gonna go.

This is me. I'm headed this way.

- My room over here. - I know. Good night.

Okay, good night.

Good night, Damien.

Okay.

Now I kind of want a snack.

Ah! Ah.

- My God, honey, be careful. - Okay.

This--that's the last clue.

- That means we're the last team. - No!

Oh, I have to beat that idiot woman.

We can still make up time. Okay? We can make up time.

Because in this race, the game's not over

until you're standing on that mat

and Phil says you're eliminated.

Right, it's another Roadblock.

"Who's got milk?" - Ooh.

Okay now, sweetie, why don't you sit this one out?

- What? What? No! - Rest your ankle.

But Mom, what if it's a food challenge?

We both know you are not gonna be caught dead

eating full-fat dairy on camera,

- so I will be doing it. - Well, that's true,

but you didn't do so well in the last Roadblock.

I--I--I did fine!

Mom, this is my dream, all right?

And I said I would be doing the Roadblock,

so the rules say that I have to do the Roadblock.

- Okay? - All right.

- Milk a goat... - Milk a goat.

Until you have two quarts.

When you think you have completed this task,

present your milk to the goat farmer

- to receive your next clue. - No problem.

Okay, all right, this way.

To the right, to the right, to the right.

Okay, there it is. There it is.

You got it. You got it.

Just grab the goat.

Jesus, she really is multi-talented.

Aren't these goats so cute?

Let me get like, six or seven when I get home.

I don't like them. They're demonic.

Why are their eyes so far apart?

- I'm done. - Oh, we're done.

Yay.

Okay, good to see you.

Hey, hey, don't, don't.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

You gotta go over there.

- Get your boobs easy for me. - DJ?

DJ, why don't you watch the nice man do it

for a minute before you try?

I don't need to watch the man, okay?

Don't you remember when I had that past-life

regression therapy and I found out I was a milkmaid

who was secretly a princess? I got this.

Sure.

You have to hold it.

Okay, well, she's being a bitch.

That's not-- that's not my fault.

Pinch the top of the teat, DJ, the top of the teat.

Oh, Mom? Hey, Mom?

If you could shut up for a second, that would help.

You're distracting me, okay? The top of the teat?

What does that mean? Which end is the top?

Just--just-- just watch the guy.

Watch the guy, and then do it the way he's doing it!

Don't yell at me. Shut the fuck up.

I don't need to watch the guy.

Deborah, it's a Roadblock.

You cannot help your partner.

I know, Elise!

Gotta relax into it.

Oh.

Huh? Huh?

You gotta relax into that past life.

Oh, my God.

Egads.

- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! - Calm down!

It doesn't work, but I will hit you with it.

And don't you dare touch anything in this shop,

you harlot.

I remember you.

You threatened to smash a Limoges vase

to strong-arm me into selling to Deborah Vance.

I did. I did do that.

I was in a desperate situation.

And I am once again in a desperate situation,

but I come in peace.

I need your help, just some information.

Ha! Go straight to hell.

I'd never help you.

Oh, that's too bad to hear.

Seems like you've got a lot of inventory around here.

And I did happen to notice some items on your website

are heavily discounted.

Maybe times are tough?

Your generation doesn't understand antiques,

but it'll come around.

It's always cyclical.

Well, if you wanna wait for that to happen, be my guest.

But what if I told you that I could take half your inventory,

right now, at market value?

I wouldn't believe you.

You're a lying piece of shit.

That's wise.

I can't, but I know someone who can.

Marcus!

Tim.

Mr. Vaughan. You're looking fit.

Thank you.

I'm decorating and furnishing an entire new casino

with all vintage pieces.

If you help my friend here, I'm sure we can make a deal.

- What's the style? - Art deco.

- Where? - The old Paradiso.

Fabulous.

I need someone who can make me an exact replica of these.

Why would you ask an antiques dealer

where you could get a fake?

Well, I seem to remember a certain psychotic bitch

telling me that you once fooled her

with a counterfeit Georges Jouve sconce.

I remember because she called it

the worst betrayal of her life.

Mind you, her husband porked her sister.

So I need to know who your forger is,

because he's obviously very good.

Well, lucky for you,

you're looking at him.

God, I love this town.

Can I use your bathroom?

No.

I don't see anything.

Well, are you looking?

- Of course I'm looking. - I don't know, Mom.

You think I'd still be running if I saw it?

- Okay, don't be sassy. - Wait, down there.

It's down there. Look, look, look.

There it is, God, finally.

Come on.

Okay, ready?

This will be it. This will be the one.

- This will be the one. - This is it.

- This will be the one, okay. - Okay, Detour.

All right, break or dance?

Break--enter a room filled with 10,000 Mexican ceramics

and smash them on the floor until you

find one containing a clue.

Dance--put traditional clown makeup on each other

then learn a clowning dance from a demonstration.

Once you successfully complete the dance

to your judge's satisfaction,

you will receive your next clue.

- Okay. Okay. - Okay.

I think we should do the pottery.

What?

I mean, that's--it's simple, something any idiot can do.

- Why are you gesturing at me? - I'm not.

I'm gesticulating. I'm Italian.

You're not Italian. No.

Mom, that'll take forever.

- We are already coming in last. - I know.

We've got to make up time.

If we get the clown dance on the first try,

we can pass somebody.

We're not gonna get it on the first try.

- Why? Let's just try. - We're just not.

We're--look, look at--

I'm not gonna put on clown makeup

and do a silly little dance with you.

I--I will look stupid.

No, you're worried that I'm gonna look stupid.

You think I'm going to embarrass myself, don't you?

Well, yes, I do. I do.

I don't think you're gonna learn a clowning routine.

And I don't think that you were a milkmaid in a past life.

- Okay? - A princess...

- There it is. - Who chose to be a milkmaid.

What about your leg?

You cannot dance with that ankle.

What are you talking about?

I just got that steroid shot from the Mexican street doctor.

My tits itch, but my ankle is feeling great.

Do you want a chance at beating that girl?

- Yes. Yes. - Do you?

Well, we're not gonna do it standing around

smashing pottery for hours.

Yeah, well, think about Grandma's teapot.

You were pretty good about breaking that.

Shut up about Grandma's teapot.

Let's go.

And Charlie, and Charlie,

and Chaplin, and Chaplin, and body roll.

- You know how. - Well, I don't know.

Hold on a second. You gotta be a clown.

Do you look--how's this?

Oh, finally.

Took us like, eight tries, y'all.

It's hard. Good luck.

Roll, down, up.

Hi, we're so fun and nice. Let's go. We're done.

Okay, let's get it. That was great.

- That was great. - Thank you, señor.

What? That was so fast. Come on.

We gotta--you, we'll take you. Just do it.

Oh, God. This is--

Uno, dos, tes, boom, ta, ocho.

- Okay. - We got the clue!

We got the clue!

- Oh, that was so much fun. - What?

The judges were like, getting emotional watching us.

- It was really sweet to see. - Done already?

- Mom, we gotta go. We gotta go. - What?

- We gotta go. - We don't know the dance.

Well, we just have to try.

- We can do it one more time. - Listen to me.

- We are in last place. - I know that.

If we can get this on the first try, we have a shot.

Mom, look at me. Let me try, please.

Let's go, go, go, go!

Sorry, I--I didn't throw it. I didn't throw it.

That's my bad. That's my bad.

- All right. - Go again. Go again.

It's the--I um, I did the wrong foot.

- We're good, yeah. Yeah. - You got it?

- You know where you went wrong? - Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Why? I kicked it on four!

I kicked it on four.

She kicked it on four. That--I saw it.

Start over. Start over.

Go, quick.

- Can I help? - I've--I've got it.

I've got it.

Stop!

Stop!

No! Oh, shit. Fuck.

Oh!

Come on!

It's okay.

What?

No, I really thought I got it that time.

- Felt good to me. - What was it?

Deborah and DJ?

No, Phil, no.

No, no, no, no! Not Phil.

- No Phil, come on. - Oh, oh, honey.

- No, no. No. - Shh, shh.

Come on. Oh, come on.

Obviously, I'm here for a reason.

Ah!

I know it's been a hard couple of days,

and DJ, you've had your injury,

and then you've been struggling with this

- clown challenge and-- - I mean, a little bit.

- You've been here four hours. - I know.

And all the other teams have checked in to the Pit Stop.

Oh.

Deborah and DJ, I'm really sorry to tell you

that you've been eliminated from the race.

We didn't do it.

But you know what we didn't do, actually, Phil?

We didn't quit.

So you can hold your head high.

- Yeah. - You gave it everything.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah?

I know you're upset, but are you pleased

you came on "The Amazing Race"?

It's the best thing that I've ever done in my whole life.

Honestly, Phil, this race, it challenges

every single part of you.

That's what I wanted.

- You know, I got to milk a goat. - Yeah.

I got to see two different cities in Mexico.

But most of all, I--

I got to spend more time with my mom than I have in years.

And that's really all I wanted.

You feel like you're really bonded with your mom?

Yeah.

It was beautiful.

You feel the same way, Deborah?

Yeah, same.

Um, Phil, can I ask a favor?

I can't get you back on the race.

No, no, no, I understand. We're eliminated.

But if I could just take one more crack at this dance,

- I know I can nail it. - Are you serious?

I'm serious.

We got so close this last time.

I don't know if you were watching, but we got so close,

- didn't we? - We did. We did.

Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, give it another shot.

Actually, Mom, this one's for us.

- Okay? - Okay.

Okay, we can do this. We can get through it.

We could do this.

Okay.

Oh, fuck me.

Fuck! Shit.

Just forget it. Just fuck it.

You know what? I don't even care.

I never cared. I don't care, Phil.

Stop fucking filming me. It's done.

It's over.

No!

Aw.

Yeah.

Oh, my.

Oh, they're just how I remember them.

Good.

I can feel her.

I can feel Mommy in the pepper shaker.

Oh, she's in there.

Oh, thank you, Ava.

Thank you so much.

But how did you convince her?

She doesn't know.

I stole them.

I don't know what Deborah's gonna do

when she realizes you stole them.

I don't wanna know.

Yeah, physical probably.

You must really, really want those rights.

Yeah, yeah I do.

So, do we have a deal?

Yes, yes, you've earned them.

I'll have my lawyer call Jimmy in the morning.

Welcome home, guys.

Aw.

Now boarding group one.

Oh!

Oh, I remember boarding groups.

Fun.

They never let Aidan and me pre-board

'cause they don't count MMA as military service.

Fucking bullshit.

I'm sorry we lost.

It's my fault.

If you had done the Roadblocks, we would have won.

No, you're kind of good at everything.

And it's super annoying.

No, that's not true.

I've never been good at failing and moving on.

I'm proud of you.

No, you let things roll off your back.

During this race, you just threw yourself into everything.

You didn't even care how you looked.

Oh, thanks so much, Mom.

No, no, that's good.

That's good.

You're tougher than me.

You are.

I mean, I've always cared too much about what people think,

'cause I know how hard it is when people make fun of you

or call you crazy

like they're doing to me right now.

Yes.

I think that's why I tried to protect you from all that

and why I didn't let you try trapeze or, you know,

release your reggae album or--

Go on QVC?

Yes.

I over-corrected.

I didn't let you try enough,

'cause you could have handled it.

You're right--you do care what the world thinks.

But I've only ever cared what one person thinks.

Who?

Phil.

No, no, no, no, no. Tell me again.

Tell me again.

She really said, I can feel Mommy?

Stop laughing.

I feel really bad.

She cried.

This is the best.

- It's not funny. - Oh, my God.

Well, you are an evil bitch.

I've never felt closer to you.

Well, let's just hope I make you proud

and make a good show so it was worth it.

Even if you don't,

recently, I have warmed up to the value

of falling flat on your face and embarrassing yourself.

Okay, maybe just say you're gonna do great.

Oh, you're gonna do great.

Thank you.

God.

And live in five, four, three, two, one.

Welcome back, folks.

Okay, I am thrilled because we have

an amazing new designer here with us today.

Please welcome Deborah Junior Vance!

Okay, how many times has your baby reached for your earrings

and almost pulled your entire ear clean off your skull?

So many.

Well, it's never gonna happen again.

- Thank goodness. - Do you wanna know why?

Detachables.

- Oh, my God. - Because they detach.

Ah, look at them.

That's right, no more bloody lobes.

Moms get it.

Amazing.

Wow, these are flying off the shelves.

They are going fast.

So if you want your own DJewelry,

you better call in now.

Oh, and I think we're getting a call right now...