All language subtitles for Hacks.S05E05.1080p.WEB.h264-GRACE[EZTVx.to]_Subtitles01.ENG

Look at that speed.

Damien.

He's clocking at
9 miles per hour.

Ooh!
Let's get his info.

Paris team is looking good.

They were the laughingstock
of the Hospitality Olympics

last year, but they've
really turned things around.

They've got a strong anchor.

Mm.

She's quick, but I worry
about precision.

We're only staffing the best
of the best at the Diva.

Ooh, is that what you're
calling the casino?

Mm-hmm.

The Diva. I like that.

Diva.

Ooh! Look at that little one.

He lets the suck
of the vacuum pull him.

He'll be less prone to injury.

Smart.

Okay. Done.

- I like his passion.
- No. Can't do it.

- Horrible at trivia.
- Call it. Call it, ref.

Yes! Who do you think you are?

I am.

I am Ray, motherfuckers!

Pretty good.

Come on, let's go.
It needs to be perfect.

Work for this. Work for this.

This is where a hotel
succeeds or fails--

a well-made bed.

That's almost all there is.

Look at him in the vest.

I like the way
he handles the top sheet.

Go, Sophie! Go! Go!

I did not wanna
bring you tonight.

Prove me wrong!

He's a surgeon.

Quick but measured,
efficient but not careless.

Fold that top!

Hospital corners!

We went over this, Sophie!

Jesus Christ!

Check, check.

Whoo! Yes!

I am the best bedmaker
in the world!

Okay, girl, I see you.

- I'm buzzed, buzzed.
- Moment of truth.

Buzzed, buzzed.

- Good girl!
- See? I'm on your side, girl.

Oh.

You know what I miss? Go Fish.

Mom! Mom!

Hi, guys.

Mom, I need you.

Oh, no, honey.
Is Aidan leaving you?

This is what men do.

They leave.

Okay, you gotta make sure
that all the vehicles

- are in your name.
- No.

- Are they?
- No, no, no, no.

- Are they?
- Mom!

They're finally doing
"Celebrity Amazing Race"!

- Oh.
- Remember?

You said that you
would go on it with me

- if they ever made it?
- Oh.

Oh, yeah.

No, DJ, you know
that I'm gagged.

I can't do any TV.

No performing for months.

Nice try.
I called your lawyer.

- You called Stewart?
- Well, that's what you get

for suing me
for criminal negligence

for breaking
Grandma's teapot, okay?

Stewart and I have developed
a lovely working relationship,

and he says you're
in the clear,

as long as this season airs
after the non-compete expires.

- And it does! So suck it!
- No.

You are not allowed
to do a reality show.

That has always been our rule.

Mom, this is really important
to me, okay?

You know it's important to me.

"Amazing Race" got me sober.

Excuse me, I think $400,000
worth of rehab got you sober.

Nope, that failed.

Episodes of "The Amazing Race"
got me through

some really dark times, okay?

Phil Keoghan
is my higher power.

And you promised me
that if I got sober,

we would go on it together.

Okay. Okay.

You're right.
I'll think about it.

Yeah, think about it.

But I need an answer
by 5:00, okay?

Plus, if we win,
we get a million dollars,

which covers my allowance
for the year.

Well, honey, I think
all that money goes to charity.

Oh, fuck! Really? Ugh.

That's so stupid.
You know what?

I'm sure there's a workaround.
I still wanna do it.

I'm gonna go practice driving
on the wrong side of the road.

- Christ.
- Yeah.

Look, I don't think
it's the worst thing

in the world for you
to go on a reality show.

I mean, there'll be a big
announcement revealing

the cast, and you
can get them to plug

MSG in the press release.

You know, she's right.

Reality shows do give
celebrities fresh relevance.

That's true.

But the problem
with reality shows is,

you cannot control
the narrative.

I mean, that's why
I've turned down Andy Cohen

more than every twink
on Fire Island.

And they can make you look
however they want.

I mean, don't worry about me,
but I mean, they could really

make DJ look like a fool.

I mean, she doesn't
seem too worried to me.

Yeah.

And having her as my teammate,

we'd probably be out
in the first leg.

I could be home in a week.

You do need to sell tickets.

Well, I guess it looks like
I'm doing "The Amazing Race."

Whoo!

Girl, I cannot wait
to watch your ass.

Gonna be great.

Oh, that's bad too.

Food waste is so depressing.

You know this is the fourth
blackout we've had this year?

It's the sixth.

Two happened during separate
12-hour naps you were taking.

Not sleeps, naps.

And you slept those nights too.

That's even worse.

Thank God I'm such a good
napper or I'd be even more

stressed out about
the climate crisis.

And don't monitor my sleep.

It's private.

But it's fascinating.

- Jimbo! What's up?
- Hey.

So I just finished lunch
with Jessica Duncan,

and I have great news.

She loves the
"Who's Making Dinner" idea.

- She wants to hear it.
- Are you serious?

Yeah, she flipped out.

- Are you peeing?
- What?

Call me back
if you're peeing.

I can talk to you in a second.

No, I'm making coffee,
although I have peed

while we were
on the phone before.

Okay.

Anyway, I wanna get you and
Deborah in a room with her.

Is Deborah excited?

Because this
could be really big.

Um, I have not yet--

I haven't talked
to Deborah yet.

Well, you need to ASAP.

Also, I do need to flag
one issue with the rights.

Apparently, when Frank died,
he left them to Kathy.

Please tell me
you mean Najimy.

Why would I mean
Kathy Najimy?

No, Kathy, her sister,
the one who hates her.

I even tried
to grease the wheels.

I gave her a call today,
but she wanted

to get off the phone because
she said I was, quote,

"an enabler of her abuser."
- Whew.

Which I think is unfair,
but you know what?

We all have our narratives,
so whatever.

Whatever to her.

She's a fucking bitch.

Okay, well, uh, I'll--

I'll talk to Deborah.

Let me know what
our girl says.

And if she is not happy,
don't tell me.

Just internalize it.

I think you're
packing too much stuff.

Do you really have room
for six rolls of toilet paper?

Oh, you can't just downgrade

your toilet tissue
out of nowhere.

I haven't had time to build up
any kind of a tolerance.

It's a shock to the system.

I mean, you can go
to the hospital.

Totally.

Um, hey, while I have you...

so you know how I have
that blind script deal?

Mm-hmm.

Well, I figured out
what I wanna do.

I wanna reboot
"Who's Making Dinner?"

- Oh.
- Um, yeah.

It would take place
in the same house,

but instead of a young couple,
it would follow

some Gen Z friends
who have to all

live together to afford it.

I could pitch it,
and then you could just,

like, totally rewrite it
if you wanted to.

Like, just whichever
version works for you,

I feel like, yeah, down with.

But I just wanted to
run it by you, because--

I--I really don't
wanna do a reboot

of "Who's Making Dinner?"

Okay.

But you should.

No, no.

No, no, I--I wouldn't
wanna do it without you.

No, no, no, I'm moving
forward with the Garden,

but I give you my blessing.

Are you sure?

I mean, I know it's, like,
triggering for you

when people rewrite your story.

Well, I would
trust you to do it.

Thanks.

I won't let you down.

I know.

But you know,
I don't have the rights.

So I can't help you with that.

Well, maybe you can.

Look at that headshot.

It's at least 20 years old.

We have two offers already,
and two others are writing.

So if you're interested,
I suggest

- you come in aggressively.
- Okay, great, thanks.

What the hell
are you doing here?

Nice bones, Kathy.

Not you, the house.

How did you find me?

Do you still have
that PI following me?

PI? What PI?

He died.

Is there somewhere we can sit?

If we must.

I was surprised you
weren't at the christening.

- What?
- We--we both were.

I'm AJ's godmother.

I am AJ's godmother.

Oh, God.

DJ must have had
two christenings.

You wanna alternate months?

So, listen--

I know why you're here.

I talked to Jimmy against
the advice of my healer.

Deborah, you are not getting
the rights to that show.

The thing is, they're not--
they're not for Deborah.

- They're for me.
- Ha, sure.

No, really, they are.

What are you going to do
with them?

Nothing.

Well, you don't know that.

I journal.

So what's your price?

You obviously need the money.

I don't remember
you having a passion

for selling real estate.

You weren't even good
at playing house.

Well, you always
made me be the maid.

Well, you were a natural.

I'm surprised you could
remember anything at all.

I read that you had
a psychotic break live on air.

No surprise there.
Hope you're getting help.

Just like you got help
in the '90s with Prozac?

How did you--

I had DJ go through your
trash like a good little girl.

Okay, my sisters, let's turn
the volume down.

Kathy, is there anything we
could do to change your mind?

Well, there is one thing.

- No. No. Let's go.
- What?

When we were little,
our mother had these

- salt and pepper shakers.
- Do not waste your breath!

They were cherubic,
porcelain little blonde girls.

She used to say
they looked exactly like us.

We loved them.

That's why we started
shaker collections of our own.

Then when Mom passed,
Deborah stole them from me.

I never stole them!

Mom said she always
wanted me to have them.

I'll give you the rights if
you give me back the shakers.

Which is never gonna happen.
See?

She's deliberately
crushing your dreams.

It's sadistic, really.
This woman is sick.

This woman is sick!

- Let's leave.
- Sorry.

Don't even think about coming
back without those shakers!

Oh.

Window's cracked.
Candles are lit.

There's mold. Run. Run.

Hello.

I'm sorry.

I would pay anything.

I just can't--

- I can't do that.
- I get it.

I get it. That's okay.

Thank you for trying.

"Amazing Race" contestants,
take your places, please.

Oh, my God, this is
the best day of my life.

Thank you so much
for doing this.

Well, you're welcome,
sweetie.

But just remember our deal,
okay?

- You're representing the family.
- Yeah.

- So when on camera...
- Mm-hmm.

- No swearing.
- Right.

- No unladylike behavior.
- Mm-hmm.

No talking back.

Okay, I mean, when in doubt,
ask yourself, WWMD?

- What Would Mommy Do? I know!
- Yes, What Would Mommy Do?

- I understand.
- Don't talk back.

I didn't. I talked with.

- We said the same thing.
- Okay.

- Hey, everyone!
- Yes, Phil!

I would officially
like to welcome you all

to "The Amazing Race."

Now, since this is
our first celebrity race,

why don't we just
talk a little bit

about why you are taking part.

Drew and Jonathan, what
inspired you to be here today?

Well, we love to compete,
so not if, but when we win--

- Very confident.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

We're gonna be
donating our prize money

to the Alzheimer's Association.

We have a family member
who died from Alzheimer's.

So we're going on this
journey for the patients

and doctors who are
running the much harder race,

- the one for a cure.
- Okay.

That's a great cause.
Great cause.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, JR and Richard.

We are playing for the
United Negro College Fund,

who also support HBCUs
throughout the country.

Yeah, and the million dollars
that we are going to win...

- Absolutely.
- Correct.

That's just a fraction
of the $26 million

that the United Negro
College Fund donates

every single year
to scholarships.

Awesome.
Another great cause.

Now, what about you,
Deborah and DJ Vance?

I'm here to promote
my comeback show

at Madison Square Garden,
September 11th.

Okay.

How about we get
this race started, everybody?

Yeah!

Are you ready for your
life-changing adventure?

- Yes, we are.
- Let's do it!

- Let's go.
- Good luck.

Travel safe.

Go!

- Go, go, go, go!
- Come on!

Oh, this is gonna be
interesting.

Go, go, go, go!

Grab it, grab it, grab it!

Okay, drive yourselves to LAX
and fly to Oaxaca, Mexico.

When you land, make your way
to Campo, Los Molinos.

You have $50 for
this leg of the race.

- All right. Bag, bag, bag!
- Okay, okay.

I'm sweating. I already stink.

Oh, no, no, no, no, honey,
we have talked about

a razorback cut
on your shoulders!

Stop it! Get in the car!

They'll be expecting us.
Get to--

- Right there!
- Right there, yeah.

Your next flight to
Oaxaca, Mexico, please.

Hola.

We want the same flight
they're getting!

Yes, please, please.
Hi, Deborah.

I'm like--I'm--
I love you so much.

- I have to say...
- Aw, thank you.

I went as you for Halloween
all of middle school.

Got the fucking shit
kicked out of me.

Worth it!

No, I'm obsessed with you.

Jordan just told me
you do comedy too.

He had to tell you that?

Well, now that I know,
I'm obsessed.

We should totally
work together,

the blonde comedy girls.

- You're a comedian?
- Yeah!

Well, I can also talk
really, really, really fast.

And what else? Oh!

I can do ASMR.

Do you feel that?

Do you feel it
on the back of your neck?

She's major.
She's generational talent.

And this is online comedy?

Well, I've also done Broadway
and the Hollywood Bowl.

Yeah, she sold out
in like, under two seconds.

Yeah, it was super fun.

So should we
make this official?

- Alliance, allianciana?
- Allianciana!

We could call ourselves
the Funny Honeys.

I don't--I don't--

I don't think so, thanks.

Wait, no, Mom. Mom, no, no.

Alliances are a huge part
of the race.

Yeah. Okay, so listen.

What if there's a puzzle
and we can't figure it out?

Don't you want them to give us
a hint on their way out?

That happens literally
all the time.

Absolutely not.

She says we're both comedians.

How dare she compare
herself to me?

Oh, God.

They will get last
and we will win this race.

Come on. Let's go.

Get out of my way!

Don't be afraid to shove!
Don't be afraid to shove!

Move it, move it,
move it, move it!

Okay, miss,
this is not YouTube.

Okay, I got it. I got it.
We gotta go. I got it.

No, no, no! Deborah!

- Deborah!
- Get out of it.

- Get in the goddamn cab!
- You're gonna steal the car?

You know what? Hang on.

- I'm sorry.
- I get it.

It's good TV. It's good TV.

What can I say?

We need to go there.

Are you paying "atten-see-on?"

This is very important.

We are in a race
for 1 million "doleros."

Rapido! Rapido!

Let's go!

Oh, damn it.

I was hoping they'd be
stranded and abducted.

Where are the kidnappers
from Sinaloa drug cartel

- when you need them?
- Ooh, it's a Roadblock.

That means only one of us
can complete the challenge.

Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, okay.

Who's the big cheese?

Oh, this one's addressed to me.

Mom, every single contestant
is a celebrity, okay?

I can't open it!

What's wrong
with your finger?

Okay, yeah!

I understood every word
of that.

Transport a wheel of
cheese down the hill

using a traditional
antique cheese rack.

Once there, you will
receive your next clue.

- Ha, okay.
- Okay, all right.

Okay, now this sounds complex.
I think I should do this one.

- No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
- You're not that coordinated.

I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it.

Hopefully we can
complete this quick

and catch up
to the other teams.

Wait, honey, honey,
your flyaways.

- Stop!
- Okay, all right.

Can she take that again?

What are you doing?
Are you tying it?

Just tie the cheese.

Trish.

That's it, DJ!

I wanted to say before, um,

I know you got canceled, smear
campaigned and everything.

I just wanted to say,
like, from cancel queen

to cancel queen, like, it hurts
the soul, helps the wallet.

So if I could give
you any advice,

you know--who am I to say?

I'm, you know, 19.

Okay, baby!

You got this!

That's it, girl.
Come on, honey.

No, no.

Plan every footstep
but don't hunch.

You're on camera.

Steady, steady.

Trisha, where are you?

Oh, there she is.
You got this, Trish.

Okay, okay.

Oh, my God!

Oh, she's rolling.

Oops.

- Shit, shit, shit!
- Oh, my God!

Oh, my ankle!

Honey, stop whimpering.
Stop whimpering.

It shows weakness.

All right.
Sweetie, one more thing.

You're gonna have to get
back up and grab the cheese

and finish the challenge, okay?

Fuck!

She's good.

She's good.

- Ava.
- Ooh! Oh, hey.

- What are you doing?
- Me? Just me?

- Yeah.
- Oh, nothing.

Or I just came down
to get a midnight snack,

but then by the time
I got here,

I was not hungry anymore
'cause the house is so big

and it took me so long
to get down here.

- Totally.
- What's up with you?

What are you doing up?

- Just walking the dogs.
- Okay.

At this hour? That's curious.

Well, when Deborah's out of
town, they get super anxious

and just like, shit everywhere.

Sorry. I'm so tired.

Oh.

I gotta go to bed.

But yeah, it was
good to see you.

- Good night.
- I'm gonna go.

This is me.
I'm headed this way.

- My room over here.
- I know. Good night.

Okay, good night.

Good night, Damien.

Okay.

Now I kind of want a snack.

Ah! Ah.

- My God, honey, be careful.
- Okay.

This--that's the last clue.

- That means we're the last team.
- No!

Oh, I have to beat
that idiot woman.

We can still make up time.
Okay? We can make up time.

Because in this race,
the game's not over

until you're standing
on that mat

and Phil says
you're eliminated.

Right,
it's another Roadblock.

"Who's got milk?"
- Ooh.

Okay now, sweetie,
why don't you sit this one out?

- What? What? No!
- Rest your ankle.

But Mom, what if it's
a food challenge?

We both know you are not
gonna be caught dead

eating full-fat dairy
on camera,

- so I will be doing it.
- Well, that's true,

but you didn't do so well
in the last Roadblock.

I--I--I did fine!

Mom, this is my dream,
all right?

And I said I would be
doing the Roadblock,

so the rules say that
I have to do the Roadblock.

- Okay?
- All right.

- Milk a goat...
- Milk a goat.

Until you have two quarts.

When you think you have
completed this task,

present your milk
to the goat farmer

- to receive your next clue.
- No problem.

Okay, all right, this way.

To the right, to the right,
to the right.

Okay, there it is.
There it is.

You got it. You got it.

Just grab the goat.

Jesus, she really
is multi-talented.

Aren't these goats so cute?

Let me get like,
six or seven when I get home.

I don't like them.
They're demonic.

Why are their eyes
so far apart?

- I'm done.
- Oh, we're done.

Yay.

Okay, good to see you.

Hey, hey, don't, don't.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

You gotta go over there.

- Get your boobs easy for me.
- DJ?

DJ, why don't you watch
the nice man do it

for a minute before you try?

I don't need to
watch the man, okay?

Don't you remember when
I had that past-life

regression therapy and I
found out I was a milkmaid

who was secretly a princess?
I got this.

Sure.

You have to hold it.

Okay, well,
she's being a bitch.

That's not--
that's not my fault.

Pinch the top of the teat,
DJ, the top of the teat.

Oh, Mom? Hey, Mom?

If you could shut up for
a second, that would help.

You're distracting me, okay?
The top of the teat?

What does that mean?
Which end is the top?

Just--just--
just watch the guy.

Watch the guy, and then do
it the way he's doing it!

Don't yell at me.
Shut the fuck up.

I don't need to watch the guy.

Deborah, it's a Roadblock.

You cannot help your partner.

I know, Elise!

Gotta relax into it.

Oh.

Huh? Huh?

You gotta relax
into that past life.

Oh, my God.

Egads.

- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- Calm down!

It doesn't work,
but I will hit you with it.

And don't you dare touch
anything in this shop,

you harlot.

I remember you.

You threatened to smash
a Limoges vase

to strong-arm me into selling
to Deborah Vance.

I did. I did do that.

I was in a desperate situation.

And I am once again
in a desperate situation,

but I come in peace.

I need your help,
just some information.

Ha! Go straight to hell.

I'd never help you.

Oh, that's too bad to hear.

Seems like you've got a lot
of inventory around here.

And I did happen to notice
some items on your website

are heavily discounted.

Maybe times are tough?

Your generation
doesn't understand antiques,

but it'll come around.

It's always cyclical.

Well, if you wanna wait for
that to happen, be my guest.

But what if I told you that I
could take half your inventory,

right now, at market value?

I wouldn't believe you.

You're a lying piece of shit.

That's wise.

I can't, but I know
someone who can.

Marcus!

Tim.

Mr. Vaughan.
You're looking fit.

Thank you.

I'm decorating and furnishing
an entire new casino

with all vintage pieces.

If you help my friend here,
I'm sure we can make a deal.

- What's the style?
- Art deco.

- Where?
- The old Paradiso.

Fabulous.

I need someone who can make
me an exact replica of these.

Why would you ask
an antiques dealer

where you could get a fake?

Well, I seem to remember
a certain psychotic bitch

telling me that
you once fooled her

with a counterfeit
Georges Jouve sconce.

I remember
because she called it

the worst betrayal of her life.

Mind you, her husband
porked her sister.

So I need to know
who your forger is,

because he's obviously
very good.

Well, lucky for you,

you're looking at him.

God, I love this town.

Can I use your bathroom?

No.

I don't see anything.

Well, are you looking?

- Of course I'm looking.
- I don't know, Mom.

You think I'd still
be running if I saw it?

- Okay, don't be sassy.
- Wait, down there.

It's down there.
Look, look, look.

There it is, God, finally.

Come on.

Okay, ready?

This will be it.
This will be the one.

- This will be the one.
- This is it.

- This will be the one, okay.
- Okay, Detour.

All right, break or dance?

Break--enter a room filled
with 10,000 Mexican ceramics

and smash them
on the floor until you

find one containing a clue.

Dance--put traditional
clown makeup on each other

then learn a clowning dance
from a demonstration.

Once you successfully
complete the dance

to your judge's satisfaction,

you will receive
your next clue.

- Okay. Okay.
- Okay.

I think we should
do the pottery.

What?

I mean, that's--it's simple,
something any idiot can do.

- Why are you gesturing at me?
- I'm not.

I'm gesticulating. I'm Italian.

You're not Italian. No.

Mom, that'll take forever.

- We are already coming in last.
- I know.

We've got to make up time.

If we get the clown dance
on the first try,

we can pass somebody.

We're not gonna
get it on the first try.

- Why? Let's just try.
- We're just not.

We're--look, look at--

I'm not gonna
put on clown makeup

and do a silly little
dance with you.

I--I will look stupid.

No, you're worried that
I'm gonna look stupid.

You think I'm going to
embarrass myself, don't you?

Well, yes, I do. I do.

I don't think you're gonna
learn a clowning routine.

And I don't think that you
were a milkmaid in a past life.

- Okay?
- A princess...

- There it is.
- Who chose to be a milkmaid.

What about your leg?

You cannot dance
with that ankle.

What are you talking about?

I just got that steroid shot
from the Mexican street doctor.

My tits itch, but my ankle
is feeling great.

Do you want a chance
at beating that girl?

- Yes. Yes.
- Do you?

Well, we're not gonna
do it standing around

smashing pottery for hours.

Yeah, well,
think about Grandma's teapot.

You were pretty good
about breaking that.

Shut up about
Grandma's teapot.

Let's go.

And Charlie, and Charlie,

and Chaplin, and Chaplin,
and body roll.

- You know how.
- Well, I don't know.

Hold on a second.
You gotta be a clown.

Do you look--how's this?

Oh, finally.

Took us like,
eight tries, y'all.

It's hard. Good luck.

Roll, down, up.

Hi, we're so fun and nice.
Let's go. We're done.

Okay, let's get it.
That was great.

- That was great.
- Thank you, señor.

What? That was so fast.
Come on.

We gotta--you, we'll take you.
Just do it.

Oh, God. This is--

Uno, dos, tes,
boom, ta, ocho.

- Okay.
- We got the clue!

We got the clue!

- Oh, that was so much fun.
- What?

The judges were like,
getting emotional watching us.

- It was really sweet to see.
- Done already?

- Mom, we gotta go. We gotta go.
- What?

- We gotta go.
- We don't know the dance.

Well, we just have to try.

- We can do it one more time.
- Listen to me.

- We are in last place.
- I know that.

If we can get this on
the first try, we have a shot.

Mom, look at me.
Let me try, please.

Let's go, go, go, go!

Sorry, I--I didn't throw it.
I didn't throw it.

That's my bad. That's my bad.

- All right.
- Go again. Go again.

It's the--I um,
I did the wrong foot.

- We're good, yeah. Yeah.
- You got it?

- You know where you went wrong?
- Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Why? I kicked it on four!

I kicked it on four.

She kicked it on four.
That--I saw it.

Start over. Start over.

Go, quick.

- Can I help?
- I've--I've got it.

I've got it.

Stop!

Stop!

No! Oh, shit. Fuck.

Oh!

Come on!

It's okay.

What?

No, I really thought
I got it that time.

- Felt good to me.
- What was it?

Deborah and DJ?

No, Phil, no.

No, no, no, no! Not Phil.

- No Phil, come on.
- Oh, oh, honey.

- No, no. No.
- Shh, shh.

Come on. Oh, come on.

Obviously,
I'm here for a reason.

Ah!

I know it's been
a hard couple of days,

and DJ, you've had your injury,

and then you've been
struggling with this

- clown challenge and--
- I mean, a little bit.

- You've been here four hours.
- I know.

And all the other teams have
checked in to the Pit Stop.

Oh.

Deborah and DJ,
I'm really sorry to tell you

that you've been
eliminated from the race.

We didn't do it.

But you know what
we didn't do, actually, Phil?

We didn't quit.

So you can hold
your head high.

- Yeah.
- You gave it everything.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah?

I know you're upset,
but are you pleased

you came on "The Amazing Race"?

It's the best thing that I've
ever done in my whole life.

Honestly, Phil,
this race, it challenges

every single part of you.

That's what I wanted.

- You know, I got to milk a goat.
- Yeah.

I got to see two
different cities in Mexico.

But most of all, I--

I got to spend more time with
my mom than I have in years.

And that's really all I wanted.

You feel like you're
really bonded with your mom?

Yeah.

It was beautiful.

You feel
the same way, Deborah?

Yeah, same.

Um, Phil, can I ask a favor?

I can't get you
back on the race.

No, no, no, I understand.
We're eliminated.

But if I could just take
one more crack at this dance,

- I know I can nail it.
- Are you serious?

I'm serious.

We got so close this last time.

I don't know if you were
watching, but we got so close,

- didn't we?
- We did. We did.

Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, give it another shot.

Actually, Mom,
this one's for us.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Okay, we can do this.
We can get through it.

We could do this.

Okay.

Oh, fuck me.

Fuck! Shit.

Just forget it. Just fuck it.

You know what?
I don't even care.

I never cared.
I don't care, Phil.

Stop fucking filming me.
It's done.

It's over.

No!

Aw.

Yeah.

Oh, my.

Oh, they're just
how I remember them.

Good.

I can feel her.

I can feel Mommy
in the pepper shaker.

Oh, she's in there.

Oh, thank you, Ava.

Thank you so much.

But how did you convince her?

She doesn't know.

I stole them.

I don't know what
Deborah's gonna do

when she realizes
you stole them.

I don't wanna know.

Yeah, physical probably.

You must really,
really want those rights.

Yeah, yeah I do.

So, do we have a deal?

Yes, yes, you've earned them.

I'll have my lawyer
call Jimmy in the morning.

Welcome home, guys.

Aw.

Now boarding group one.

Oh!

Oh, I remember boarding groups.

Fun.

They never let
Aidan and me pre-board

'cause they don't count MMA
as military service.

Fucking bullshit.

I'm sorry we lost.

It's my fault.

If you had done the Roadblocks,
we would have won.

No, you're kind of
good at everything.

And it's super annoying.

No, that's not true.

I've never been good
at failing and moving on.

I'm proud of you.

No, you let things
roll off your back.

During this race, you just
threw yourself into everything.

You didn't even care
how you looked.

Oh, thanks so much, Mom.

No, no, that's good.

That's good.

You're tougher than me.

You are.

I mean, I've always cared too
much about what people think,

'cause I know how hard it is
when people make fun of you

or call you crazy

like they're doing to me
right now.

Yes.

I think that's why I tried
to protect you from all that

and why I didn't let you
try trapeze or, you know,

release your reggae album or--

Go on QVC?

Yes.

I over-corrected.

I didn't let you try enough,

'cause you could have
handled it.

You're right--you do care
what the world thinks.

But I've only ever cared
what one person thinks.

Who?

Phil.

No, no, no, no, no.
Tell me again.

Tell me again.

She really said,
I can feel Mommy?

Stop laughing.

I feel really bad.

She cried.

This is the best.

- It's not funny.
- Oh, my God.

Well, you are an evil bitch.

I've never felt closer to you.

Well, let's just hope
I make you proud

and make a good show
so it was worth it.

Even if you don't,

recently, I have warmed up
to the value

of falling flat on your face
and embarrassing yourself.

Okay, maybe just say
you're gonna do great.

Oh, you're gonna do great.

Thank you.

God.

And live in five, four,
three, two, one.

Welcome back, folks.

Okay, I am thrilled
because we have

an amazing new designer here
with us today.

Please welcome
Deborah Junior Vance!

Okay, how many times has your
baby reached for your earrings

and almost pulled your entire
ear clean off your skull?

So many.

Well, it's never
gonna happen again.

- Thank goodness.
- Do you wanna know why?

Detachables.

- Oh, my God.
- Because they detach.

Ah, look at them.

That's right,
no more bloody lobes.

Moms get it.

Amazing.

Wow, these are flying
off the shelves.

They are going fast.

So if you want
your own DJewelry,

you better call in now.

Oh, and I think we're getting
a call right now...