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♪ It seems today
That all you see ♪
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00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:08,174
♪ Is violence in movies
And sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,512
♪ But where are those
Good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:14,306
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:17,768
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,393 --> 00:00:21,605
♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,730 --> 00:00:23,148
♪ All the things
That make us ♪
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00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:25,066
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:30,280
♪ He's a family guy! ♪
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00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:38,913
{\an8}Okay, now remember, Lois,
the school likes to blame
11
00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:40,999
{\an8}the kids' bad grades
on trouble at home.
12
00:00:41,124 --> 00:00:43,209
{\an8}So when we get in the
parent teacher conference,
13
00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:45,545
{\an8}it can't seem like there's any
cracks in our marriage.
14
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:47,630
{\an8}Peter, this isn't
a parent teacher conference,
15
00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:49,549
{\an8}- it's a fundraiser--
- Here we go again!
16
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,509
{\an8}Let me punch
your shrew card, Lois.
17
00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:53,552
{\an8}Because the tenth nag is free!
18
00:00:53,553 --> 00:00:57,348
"Welcome to an hour
of squeaks and echoes in the gym."
19
00:00:57,349 --> 00:00:58,976
Gym, gym, gym.
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00:00:59,434 --> 00:01:01,936
{\an8}Huh, I guess they're selling
all the music department
21
00:01:01,937 --> 00:01:04,189
{\an8}instruments to raise money.
Typical.
22
00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:07,650
{\an8}They always cut
the arts programs but never any sports.
23
00:01:07,651 --> 00:01:09,569
{\an8}Actually, they canceled
field hockey.
24
00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,195
{\an8}See? They're selling
the old uniforms.
25
00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:12,655
{\an8}And what vintage is this one?
26
00:01:12,656 --> 00:01:15,575
{\an8}A 2022 Junior Varsity, sir.
27
00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:16,909
{\an8}Mm. Excellent year.
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00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:21,123
{\an8}Sir, I'm gonna have my team
cut it up and turn it into dinner napkins.
29
00:01:21,248 --> 00:01:24,041
{\an8}Oh, Giuseppe,
you are a wizard.
30
00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:27,211
{\an8}Hello! I'm Mr. Campanale,
the music teacher.
31
00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:30,548
{\an8}Welcome to my "going-out
of-business" woodwind sale.
32
00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:32,551
{\an8}Everything must blow!
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00:01:32,676 --> 00:01:34,970
{\an8} Uh-ha, yes,
that's very good.
34
00:01:37,264 --> 00:01:39,307
{\an8}Uh, tell me,
does your saxophone come with
35
00:01:39,308 --> 00:01:42,101
{\an8}the George Michael classic
"Careless Whisper" on it?
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00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:45,646
{\an8}With enough practice, this saxophone
will play anything you like.
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00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:46,814
{\an8}Sweet! I'll take it.
38
00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:48,775
{\an8}Great!
How will you be paying today?
39
00:01:50,986 --> 00:01:52,904
{\an8}Are you sure
you should spend that?
40
00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:56,408
{\an8}Oh yeah, there's still plenty in there
for Meg to pay for online college.
41
00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:00,077
Have you ever dreamed
of learning calculus
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00:02:00,078 --> 00:02:01,787
on a crowded
rush hour subway...
43
00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:04,957
Or pushing that thing IVs hang
from around the hospital...
44
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:08,044
Want to hug an old man
at an ethnic family picnic?
45
00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:09,378
{\an8}Whatever the dream...
46
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:12,048
As long as it's not
going to real college...
47
00:02:12,049 --> 00:02:14,467
Online college
is here for you.
48
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:15,760
{\an8} Online college!
49
00:02:15,761 --> 00:02:18,055
{\an8}If you had another choice,
you'd make it.
50
00:02:21,558 --> 00:02:23,059
All right, everybody shut up.
51
00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:24,143
The masked singer
52
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:27,063
is about to reveal who the big
Gatorade-Bottle-Of-Pee is!
53
00:02:27,064 --> 00:02:30,358
They're really scraping
the bottom of the barrel for new costumes.
54
00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:34,570
{\an8}And your masked singer is...
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00:02:34,571 --> 00:02:36,280
{\an8}Wait, who'd they say?
56
00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:39,492
{\an8}It's another D-Lister
nobody can recognize my face alone.
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00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:42,370
{\an8}Damn it, Peter! Do you know
how many hours of Ken Jeong
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00:02:42,371 --> 00:02:45,164
{\an8}and his tiny jackets
I tolerated for that moment?
59
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:48,919
{\an8}Sorry. In the future, I'll try not to
be so... ...careless.
60
00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:55,091
{\an8}God,
he never thinks about others.
61
00:02:55,092 --> 00:02:57,051
{\an8}Remember when he totally
ruined our family
62
00:02:57,052 --> 00:02:58,719
Thanksgiving football game?
63
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:00,805
Okay, we gotta go
all tush-pushes.
64
00:03:00,806 --> 00:03:03,849
Hot niece I'm not related to by blood,
you're the center.
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00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,812
The rest of you, shove me
into her as hard as you can.
66
00:03:08,230 --> 00:03:10,189
So,
I put the bottle down.
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00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,733
But even though her family
forgave me,
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00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,486
I'll never forgive myself.
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00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:24,245
{\an8}Bravo!
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00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:27,039
{\an8}I knew these AA stories
would be the perfect set-up
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00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,500
{\an8}for the guilty pain
of "Careless Whisper".
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00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:30,876
{\an8}Okay, let's take it
from the top
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00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:32,169
{\an8}with the guy
who can only have
74
00:03:32,170 --> 00:03:34,256
{\an8}supervised Panera visits
with his kid.
75
00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,704
I'm so sorry for your loss.
76
00:04:06,705 --> 00:04:09,165
Now, this screen
is gonna ask you a couple of questions.
77
00:04:09,166 --> 00:04:10,416
You want a tip?
78
00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:12,293
Add 35%?
79
00:04:12,294 --> 00:04:14,713
You have to pick it
'cause it's the button in the middle.
80
00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:38,986
What the hell, Peter?
81
00:04:38,987 --> 00:04:42,573
This is the fifth night in a row
you woke me up with that damn song.
82
00:04:42,574 --> 00:04:44,283
Your house
is where the streetlight is.
83
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:45,409
It's not my fault.
84
00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:46,702
Yeah, well, thanks a lot.
85
00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:48,996
I was only having
the best dream ever.
86
00:04:48,997 --> 00:04:51,081
Oh yeah? One of them
that ends wet?
87
00:04:51,082 --> 00:04:54,335
No. Get this, I'm returning
the lawn mower to Home Depot.
88
00:04:54,336 --> 00:04:56,713
The workers were wearing blue
but I still knew it was
89
00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:57,922
a Home Depot,
90
00:04:57,923 --> 00:04:59,257
dreams are weird like that.
91
00:04:59,382 --> 00:05:02,384
Anyway, they offer me cash
instead of store credit.
92
00:05:02,385 --> 00:05:06,680
So I ask, "Are you sure? It's covered
in grass, and I don't have a receipt."
93
00:05:06,681 --> 00:05:08,349
And then you know
what Bud said--
94
00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:09,725
That was the guy's name, Bud,
95
00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:11,310
which is also
my Dad's name so.
96
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:14,438
Sir Carl Jung would have a field...
...field day with that one.
97
00:05:14,439 --> 00:05:15,940
Anyway, you know what he said?
98
00:05:15,941 --> 00:05:17,650
- No.
- Me neither!
99
00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:20,778
Now go play inside
so I can get back to sleep
100
00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:23,073
and see how this roller coaster ends.
101
00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:28,203
And before you go to bed, this screen
is gonna ask you a couple of questions.
102
00:05:31,414 --> 00:05:33,374
Good game. Good game.
103
00:05:33,375 --> 00:05:35,376
Good game.
Hey, nice assist back there.
104
00:05:35,377 --> 00:05:36,545
Good game. Good game.
105
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,254
Hey, Quagmire,
you got a minute?
106
00:05:38,255 --> 00:05:41,174
Sure, let me just violently
wave my door a couple of times...
107
00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:43,926
Come on in.
108
00:05:43,927 --> 00:05:45,469
What am I gonna do, Quagmire?
109
00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:48,055
Peter's driving me nuts
with that saxophone.
110
00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:50,140
Joseph, I realized
a long time ago,
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00:05:50,141 --> 00:05:52,059
you can't fight
Peter's antics.
112
00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:53,769
The harder you resist
the shenanigans,
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00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:55,271
the shenannier they become.
114
00:05:55,272 --> 00:05:56,856
So what I did was put together
115
00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,649
the Peter Griffin
Survival Kit.
116
00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:01,444
It's everything you need
to make being his neighbor tolerable.
117
00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:04,613
I've got a variety of these
different sized plugs--
118
00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:06,199
To put in your ears
when he's loud?
119
00:06:06,324 --> 00:06:07,950
Yeah or, you know,
anywhere they fit.
120
00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:09,451
And this tracks
Peter's heart rate,
121
00:06:09,452 --> 00:06:11,371
so I can avoid him
when he's overstimulated.
122
00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:15,082
That spike is when he found
a frog the other day.
123
00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:17,126
Do you have anything
to help me sleep?
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00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:21,714
That doesn't involve putting
your orifice plug in my ear, ideally.
125
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,090
As a matter of fact, I do.
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00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:26,051
These are powerful,
unregulated sleeping pills.
127
00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:27,177
I got them in the Navy.
128
00:06:27,178 --> 00:06:29,889
They give these to all the guys
who commit atrocious massacres
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00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:31,932
and then have
trouble sleeping.
130
00:06:31,933 --> 00:06:34,393
A caterpillar in March?
131
00:06:39,983 --> 00:06:41,483
I'm coming!
I'm coming!
132
00:06:41,484 --> 00:06:44,403
Angrily tying a bathrobe...
'cause I got woken up...
133
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:47,282
Thanks again for those
sleepy pills, Mr. Q.
134
00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:50,743
Front row tickets
to the blanket show, baby.
135
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:53,204
"Mr. Q?" What are you--
Oh my God!
136
00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:54,663
Joe, you're walking!
137
00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:58,417
Walk it like I talk it
and talk it like I walk it.
138
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,002
Wait, are you.
139
00:07:00,003 --> 00:07:02,087
You're asleep!
How is this possible?
140
00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:06,467
Well, I could tell you,
but who needs a long, boring story.
141
00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:08,385
You're walking and self-aware?
142
00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:09,471
It's a miracle!
143
00:07:13,892 --> 00:07:15,017
What happened?
144
00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:16,645
What happened is you walked!
145
00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:18,229
Oh my God, you're right!
146
00:07:19,648 --> 00:07:20,940
I beat my record.
147
00:07:27,530 --> 00:07:28,656
All right, what do we got,
148
00:07:28,657 --> 00:07:30,659
four middle-aged guys
at the same appointment?
149
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,534
I don't need to know
how it got up there.
150
00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:34,286
Just tell me who I'm
taking it out of.
151
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:35,454
No, no! Doc, it's Joe!
152
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:38,917
He took a super strong
sleeping pill last night and sleepwalked!
153
00:07:39,042 --> 00:07:42,336
Well, people do display
odd behavior under the influence of drugs
154
00:07:42,337 --> 00:07:45,214
like Ambien.
Let me get somebody better suited to help.
155
00:07:45,215 --> 00:07:47,425
I got a code
TB12 in room three.
156
00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:50,511
Hi, I'm pseudo-science expert
and Tom Brady face-thinner-outer
157
00:07:50,512 --> 00:07:52,513
Doctor Alex Guerrero.
158
00:07:52,514 --> 00:07:54,181
Now, how can I
help you gentlemen?
159
00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:55,557
I've been in a chair
for years,
160
00:07:55,558 --> 00:07:58,727
but I took one
of these last night and started walking.
161
00:07:58,728 --> 00:07:59,978
Interesting.
162
00:07:59,979 --> 00:08:02,439
Well, there must be a
neurological explanation.
163
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,067
So to get to the bottom of it,
we'll have to use...
164
00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:07,236
- An MRI?
- ...our imaginations!
165
00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:10,197
I think these pills put you
in such a deep state of sleep,
166
00:08:10,198 --> 00:08:12,783
the damaged part of your
spinal cord went offline.
167
00:08:12,784 --> 00:08:13,951
Then to compensate,
168
00:08:13,952 --> 00:08:18,331
an undamaged neural pathway
activated allowing you to walk.
169
00:08:18,456 --> 00:08:20,749
So as long as
Joe takes those pills,
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00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:22,000
he can walk again, right?
171
00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:23,336
Yes, and no.
172
00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:25,921
His legs might work,
but in that state,
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00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:28,465
he'll have no access
to his waking memory
174
00:08:28,466 --> 00:08:31,677
or the personality he's developed
over the course of his life.
175
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:35,014
So technically,
it won't really be Joe who's walking.
176
00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:37,474
Well, now that you mention it,
he was acting strange.
177
00:08:37,475 --> 00:08:40,019
He was super laid back
and kind of cool!
178
00:08:40,145 --> 00:08:42,688
Well, during sleep,
we're not preoccupied with the stress
179
00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:44,314
of our day to day lives.
180
00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:47,359
So for him to be very relaxed
makes a lot of sense.
181
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,445
Yeah, but does it though?
182
00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:52,448
If you want my opinion--
and I cannot stress enough
183
00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:56,201
how uninformed it is--
Joe should stay away from these pills.
184
00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:59,288
There's no telling what sort of
negative side effects they might have.
185
00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:01,623
Well, guess
it's back to my chair.
186
00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:03,167
Thanks for seeing me.
187
00:09:03,168 --> 00:09:05,502
My pleasure.
Oh, you can make the co-pay out
188
00:09:05,503 --> 00:09:07,546
to "Guerrero
Shipping Solutions, LLC,"
189
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:11,551
and if anyone asks, this all took place
in the state of Delaware.
190
00:09:14,471 --> 00:09:17,264
Coming up this month
on Turner Classic Movies.
191
00:09:17,265 --> 00:09:21,770
Get a hold of yourself!
192
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,479
{\an8}Turner Classic Movies,
193
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:26,940
{\an8}if a woman gets slapped in
black and white, we've got it.
194
00:09:26,941 --> 00:09:29,526
So, I was choring it up
last Friday,
195
00:09:29,527 --> 00:09:31,404
buying new batteries
for the smoke detector--
196
00:09:31,529 --> 00:09:32,696
Ho-- Hold on, Joe.
197
00:09:32,697 --> 00:09:34,949
This anecdote sounds like
it's turning into a story.
198
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,658
Oh, it's a story alright.
199
00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:38,203
- Quagmire, story clock.
- On it.
200
00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:40,913
Okay, you got 60 seconds, Joe.
201
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,956
Come on, is that thing
really necessary?
202
00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:44,209
You're using
your time, Joe.
203
00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:45,834
Okay. Okay. Where was I...
204
00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:47,461
batteries
for the smoke detector.
205
00:09:47,462 --> 00:09:49,421
So I get to the store
and I'm like, "Shoot.
206
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:52,007
There's A batteries,
C batteries, and D batteries."
207
00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:54,802
And that got me to thinking
where the heck are the B batteries?
208
00:09:54,803 --> 00:09:56,553
Did they really skip B?
209
00:09:56,554 --> 00:09:59,098
I don't buy it, so I start digging.
210
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,933
- Time!
- Oh, that's not fair.
211
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:03,436
Joe, if you talk any more,
you're gonna put us all to sleep.
212
00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:05,605
Wish Joe was asleep.
He was way more interesting.
213
00:10:05,814 --> 00:10:08,565
Yeah, Joe, why don't you take
another one of them sleeping pills?
214
00:10:08,566 --> 00:10:10,026
Maybe you'll sleepwalk again.
215
00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:11,443
What the hell.
216
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:13,113
I guess one more time
won't hurt.
217
00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:25,625
Uh-uh, hell no!
This ain't part of God's plan.
218
00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:30,838
Holy crap, that's amazing!
219
00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:32,131
That was my credit he played,
220
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:33,841
and I'm not a huge
Bob Marley guy,
221
00:10:33,842 --> 00:10:35,759
but otherwise, holy crap,
that's amazing!
222
00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:38,470
So I'm thinking I'll have.
a summer solstice party.
223
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:41,516
Send the old' girl in the sky
a big 'preesh for the vitamin D.
224
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,016
You guys should check it out.
225
00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:44,768
And if you have any trouble
getting in,
226
00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:48,438
just tell 'em you're with...
Joey Goodtimes.
227
00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:50,483
- Can I bring a date?
- No.
228
00:10:51,693 --> 00:10:53,194
Bring two.
229
00:10:54,028 --> 00:10:56,281
Man, sleepwalking Joe
is awesome.
230
00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:58,991
That was my beer for which
I've been waiting quite some time.
231
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:01,119
But otherwise,
sleepwalking Joe is awesome!
232
00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:07,082
Hey, some party, Joe!
233
00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:09,085
It's "Joey."
Who's up for some food?
234
00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:12,921
Great. Nothing like
the Joe Swanson special,
235
00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:16,341
a supermarket vegetable
platter warmed by the sun.
236
00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:19,595
Here we are, gents.
Bowl of Ruffles, two liter bottle of Coke.
237
00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:21,096
Pizza's on the way.
238
00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:22,431
- Wow!
- No way!
239
00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:24,725
Donna says Cola
makes me jumpy.
240
00:11:24,726 --> 00:11:27,854
Did y'all meet Bon-fire?
I call her that 'cause she's smoking hot.
241
00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:33,984
Peter, give me a nickname
that tells people I'm hot.
242
00:11:33,985 --> 00:11:36,445
I think everyone here has met.
Dumpster-fire?
243
00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:38,322
- Peter!
- It's 'cause of the hair!
244
00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:40,032
Jam band's starting, Bon-fire.
245
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:42,827
Let's go dance
like it's our first day in a human body.
246
00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,454
What the hell, Peter?
247
00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:48,791
Joe's unconscious, and he and Bonnie
have a better sex life than we do.
248
00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:50,125
Lois, we've been over this.
249
00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:52,002
Once one of us agrees
to shave it,
250
00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:53,379
we're back in business.
251
00:11:56,299 --> 00:11:58,675
Man, I had the best time
at Joe's yesterday.
252
00:11:58,676 --> 00:12:03,055
You said it! Me and Donna
ate some goofy mushrooms and then cried
253
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,598
watching the sunrise.
254
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:05,891
And good crying,
255
00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:08,228
not the-bank's-coming
for-your-house crying.
256
00:12:08,436 --> 00:12:10,270
- Hey, there he is!
- The King!
257
00:12:10,271 --> 00:12:12,606
We are very behind
on our payments though.
258
00:12:12,607 --> 00:12:13,982
What are you guys
talking about?
259
00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:15,150
It's just me, Joe.
260
00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:16,944
We know! You sleepwalked again
261
00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:19,113
and threw the most epic party
of all time!
262
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:22,241
Yeah, why didn't you tell me
a "free love tent" is just an orgy,
263
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,077
minus condoms, plus B-O?
264
00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:25,827
Oh man,
I had that at my party?
265
00:12:25,828 --> 00:12:27,913
I hope Bonnie didn't see.
She'd kill me.
266
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:29,539
Uh, Joe,
Bonnie was in the tent.
267
00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:32,125
But don't worry, she didn't do
anything with anybody but you.
268
00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:33,877
Even under-the-pants stuff?
269
00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:35,587
Well, I am done
with those pills.
270
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:38,715
Next time I get UTP action,
I wanna be there.
271
00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:41,385
That's too bad 'cause
Joey Goodtimes is the man.
272
00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:44,304
He's so popular,
he already has his own Cameo account.
273
00:12:44,305 --> 00:12:46,390
{\an8}Hey there "Peter Griffin"!
274
00:12:46,391 --> 00:12:49,935
{\an8}Heard somebody's a little nervous about
changing his clothes at Planet Fitness.
275
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:53,231
{\an8}Well, let me tell you there's no shame
in your game, no matter how much...
276
00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:55,274
{\an8}it turtles
in front of a crowd.
277
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,401
{\an8}Are you coming back
to bed, Joey?
278
00:12:57,402 --> 00:13:01,321
{\an8}Yeah, just firing off some inspo to
a fat idiot with big balls, baby carrot.
279
00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:03,700
{\an8}It's like monster truck wheels
on a Miata.
280
00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:06,869
You're, uh, still learning
how to end the record.
281
00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:14,209
Hey, Bon, sorry I missed
the big party yesterday but I was thinking
282
00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:18,089
we could recreate that magic
with some Bosch and chill.
283
00:13:18,214 --> 00:13:19,631
Um, no, thanks.
284
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,466
You sure?
Doesn't have to be Bosch.
285
00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:24,220
Could be any one of those
last name crime shows and chill.
286
00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:27,931
Bul? Luther? Longmire?
Reacher? Will Trent?
287
00:13:27,932 --> 00:13:30,892
Which, I know,
it's a first-name last-name crime show.
288
00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:32,978
But what the hell,
it's almost Friday.
289
00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:35,732
Just wake me up if you decide
to fall asleep again.
290
00:13:35,857 --> 00:13:39,067
Bon-fire needs
another log.
291
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:40,652
Actually,
with the drought we've had,
292
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:43,238
we probably shouldn't be
starting any more fires--
293
00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:44,323
Bon?
294
00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:53,708
When did we get
so boring, Joe?
295
00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:00,422
Speak for yourself.
296
00:14:00,423 --> 00:14:02,299
Joey Goodtimes
and boring go together
297
00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:05,135
like peanut butter and jelly.
I know you guys like that,
298
00:14:05,136 --> 00:14:09,139
but in the imaginary mirror
universe, it's a gross combo.
299
00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:13,060
So tell me, when was the last time
your friends were excited to see you?
300
00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:16,147
When was the last time Bonnie
wanted you to come to bed?
301
00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:20,567
You're right.
Bonnie and the guys deserve better.
302
00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:23,570
I have to go.
Got a ketchup and tuna sandwich over here
303
00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:26,824
that ain't gonna eat itself.
Again, mirror universe.
304
00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:41,631
Okay, Joey's back
so let the good times walk.
305
00:14:41,923 --> 00:14:44,341
Wait, so I'm stuck
in here now?
306
00:14:44,342 --> 00:14:46,594
Might as well see
what all the fuss is about.
307
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:50,848
He gets Bonnie,
and I get a crappy mirror sandwich?
308
00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:04,528
I don't know where you get the energy
after a night like that.
309
00:15:04,529 --> 00:15:05,780
Just get over here, babe.
310
00:15:05,947 --> 00:15:07,864
I'm gonna do you
right on the counter
311
00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:09,866
where I prepped
the raw chicken.
312
00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:16,123
Your boobs are so wet.
313
00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:18,126
You're still holding
the chicken breast.
314
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:22,088
Oh. Well, in my defense,
I am asleep.
315
00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:32,514
Good God! He hit it so far,
316
00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:35,560
they added a yellow tail
so the viewers at home can enjoy it.
317
00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:41,439
Alright, fellas, let's go.
318
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,775
Good thing we don't need
that golf cart anymore.
319
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:47,112
We get to walk all 18 holes.
320
00:15:47,113 --> 00:15:49,657
Sheesh, I don't even walk
the mini golf course.
321
00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:09,050
Hey, slowpokes,
what do you want to drink?
322
00:16:09,051 --> 00:16:10,677
- Beer!
- Pedialyte.
323
00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:12,180
We don't have Pedialyte.
324
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:14,598
Don't worry, Cleveland,
Joey's got ya.
325
00:16:14,599 --> 00:16:17,351
Ava, give me a warm ginger ale
and a flat Sprite.
326
00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:19,519
Little trick
I learned from nausea TikTok.
327
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,021
My Apple Pay's on,
328
00:16:21,022 --> 00:16:22,815
you can just swipe
my pocket, hun.
329
00:16:27,028 --> 00:16:30,406
Mmm... I can feel it coating
my troubled innards.
330
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:31,907
You know what?
331
00:16:31,908 --> 00:16:33,658
Gimme one of them
clam chowders
332
00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:35,286
and a Baby Ruth.
333
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:40,541
Okay, that's 17, but let's just call it 18
for legal reasons.
334
00:16:42,126 --> 00:16:44,211
And that's another 20 for me.
335
00:16:44,212 --> 00:16:47,340
I think it's the Asian half
that makes Tiger Woods talented.
336
00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:52,636
Boy, I hope no ground hogs pop up
and drag my ball into the hole.
337
00:16:53,804 --> 00:16:55,640
Because
that would be terrible.
338
00:16:57,892 --> 00:16:59,601
Sounds like fun up there.
Should we go?
339
00:16:59,602 --> 00:17:00,769
Honey? We can't.
340
00:17:00,770 --> 00:17:02,355
It's not February second.
341
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:05,566
Uch! One day.
Black people get a whole month.
342
00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:06,816
Gerald. Don't.
343
00:17:06,817 --> 00:17:08,693
What? Breast cancer
gets a month.
344
00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:10,028
Mustaches get a month.
345
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,905
Not masturbating gets a month!
346
00:17:11,906 --> 00:17:13,949
Save it
for your podcast, honey.
347
00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:20,330
I can't believe Joey stayed
to play another round.
348
00:17:20,331 --> 00:17:23,541
Yeah, he said
he wanted to get in 54.
349
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:25,252
I can't even do that math.
350
00:17:25,253 --> 00:17:28,588
Not even I can get
in that many holes, tired giggity.
351
00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:29,590
It's like he ditched us.
352
00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:32,384
Probably because
you don't like to shower after a round.
353
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:34,803
Yeah, I-- I can smell you
from here.
354
00:17:34,804 --> 00:17:36,180
I forgot my jelly shoes.
355
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,223
It's important to wear them
in the clubhouse
356
00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:39,934
because drainage
in a public locker room--
357
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,643
Alright,
I'm starting the clock.
358
00:17:41,644 --> 00:17:43,270
Did you just "Joe" me?
359
00:17:43,271 --> 00:17:46,356
If anybody should be "Joe"-ing somebody,
it should be me "Joe"-ing you.
360
00:17:46,357 --> 00:17:48,859
Don't you dare "Joe" me,
you fat turd!
361
00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:54,739
Wait, guys, guys.
Don't you realize what's happening?
362
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:57,576
Every friend group
needs to have a bottom friend.
363
00:17:57,577 --> 00:18:00,036
A guy who's doing way worse
than all the rest of us.
364
00:18:00,037 --> 00:18:02,330
And we lost our bottom friend!
365
00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:05,125
Three Shirley Temples
for that booth over there.
366
00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:07,544
You're right.
Ever since Joe became awesome,
367
00:18:07,545 --> 00:18:10,213
the rest of us are just scrambling
to stay off the bottom.
368
00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:13,633
Without Joe, we're like Oates,
Messina and Garfunkel.
369
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:16,052
Well, that's a funny cutaway
we don't have time for.
370
00:18:16,053 --> 00:18:17,804
But we gotta get
the old Joe back!
371
00:18:17,805 --> 00:18:19,639
From the gentleman at the bar.
372
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,976
He told me to tell you,
"Bottoms up".
373
00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:31,694
Hey, Joey, how'd you shoot?
374
00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:34,696
Oh, I don't keep score,
but someone else did.
375
00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:35,740
Sixty-eight.
376
00:18:35,865 --> 00:18:37,741
Oh cool. Here's a question.
377
00:18:37,742 --> 00:18:40,118
Is Bermuda grass something
you can grow anywhere,
378
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,788
or is it like champagne
and it has to come from there?
379
00:18:42,913 --> 00:18:44,498
Oh, that's a long,
boring story
380
00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:46,417
that I have no desire to tell.
381
00:18:47,084 --> 00:18:49,503
Joey, is a AAA membership
worth it?
382
00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:55,592
I'll have plenty of time to tell you that
when I'm not waiting in line at the DMV.
383
00:18:55,593 --> 00:18:59,889
Or getting up to 40% off tickets
to any participating AMC theater.
384
00:19:00,598 --> 00:19:02,974
Hey, whatever this is,
knock it off!
385
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:05,143
Hey, Joey,
I can never remember,
386
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,063
what group sings this song.
387
00:19:09,065 --> 00:19:10,148
♪ Life is a highway ♪
388
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:11,816
♪ I wanna ride it ♪
389
00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:13,235
♪ All night long ♪
390
00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:15,862
Uh, actually,
it's not a group,
391
00:19:15,863 --> 00:19:17,197
it's a person. Tom Cochrane.
392
00:19:17,198 --> 00:19:18,699
A Canuck, no less--
393
00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:21,242
I know what you
guys are doing!
394
00:19:21,243 --> 00:19:23,411
You're trying to get
rid of Joey Goodtimes!
395
00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:26,039
Wheel to the light, Joe!
We need you back.
396
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:28,291
No! But I'm cool now!
397
00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:30,919
The old Joe
was just a crippled punching bag!
398
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:32,003
That's right.
399
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:35,006
And he was our crippled
punching bag and we miss him.
400
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:38,259
Yeah, we thought we liked
this Joe better, but we don't.
401
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:40,512
That's right.
The old Joe is the best Joe.
402
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,013
I can't go back!
403
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:43,765
I'll never go back!
404
00:19:43,766 --> 00:19:46,644
Fine. I didn't want to have
to do this, but I will.
405
00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:50,648
Joe tell us why aren't there
any B batteries?
406
00:19:50,773 --> 00:19:52,315
I-- I won't!
407
00:19:52,316 --> 00:19:54,652
Why aren't there
any B batteries?
408
00:19:55,820 --> 00:19:58,405
There are!
There are B batteries.
409
00:19:58,406 --> 00:20:00,657
It's just electronics
manufacturers favored
410
00:20:00,658 --> 00:20:03,159
the dimensions
of the new double and triple As.
411
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:05,453
We all know C and D
found their niche
412
00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:07,122
in high drain situations,
413
00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:08,873
but B slowly disappeared.
414
00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:11,585
Except for European lanterns
and bike lights!
415
00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:15,255
Joe, it's a miracle!
416
00:20:15,256 --> 00:20:16,424
You can't walk!
417
00:20:22,012 --> 00:20:24,139
And that's why Ralph Nader
deemed it,
418
00:20:24,140 --> 00:20:25,849
"unsafe at any speed".
419
00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:29,936
Wow, that was so long
and boring.
420
00:20:29,937 --> 00:20:31,688
It's nice
to have you back, Joe.
421
00:20:31,689 --> 00:20:35,860
And I enjoy having the space on the booth
seat for my pocket bric-a-brac back.
422
00:20:35,985 --> 00:20:39,028
Hey, what did you end up doing
with the rest of those pills I gave you?
423
00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:42,575
I dumped them in the 18th hole
in honor of Joey Goodtimes.
424
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:47,371
Oh, Gerald.
What are you doing?
425
00:20:47,538 --> 00:20:49,748
Don't worry about
what I'm doing, baby.
426
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,750
Worry about
what I'm about to do.
427
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:55,588
I'm gonna turn Groundhog Day
into poundhog day.
428
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:59,341
Gerald,
I'm cooking an acorn.
34481
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