Original subtitles

♪ It seems today That all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies And sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

♪ All the things That make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's a family guy! ♪

Okay, now remember, Lois, the school likes to blame

the kids' bad grades on trouble at home.

So when we get in the parent teacher conference,

it can't seem like there's any cracks in our marriage.

Peter, this isn't a parent teacher conference,

- it's a fundraiser-- - Here we go again!

Let me punch your shrew card, Lois.

Because the tenth nag is free!

"Welcome to an hour of squeaks and echoes in the gym."

Gym, gym, gym.

Huh, I guess they're selling all the music department

instruments to raise money. Typical.

They always cut the arts programs but never any sports.

Actually, they canceled field hockey.

See? They're selling the old uniforms.

And what vintage is this one?

A 2022 Junior Varsity, sir.

Mm. Excellent year.

Sir, I'm gonna have my team cut it up and turn it into dinner napkins.

Oh, Giuseppe, you are a wizard.

Hello! I'm Mr. Campanale, the music teacher.

Welcome to my "going-out of-business" woodwind sale.

Everything must blow!

Uh-ha, yes, that's very good.

Uh, tell me, does your saxophone come with

the George Michael classic "Careless Whisper" on it?

With enough practice, this saxophone will play anything you like.

Sweet! I'll take it.

Great! How will you be paying today?

Are you sure you should spend that?

Oh yeah, there's still plenty in there for Meg to pay for online college.

Have you ever dreamed of learning calculus

on a crowded rush hour subway...

Or pushing that thing IVs hang from around the hospital...

Want to hug an old man at an ethnic family picnic?

Whatever the dream...

As long as it's not going to real college...

Online college is here for you.

Online college!

If you had another choice, you'd make it.

All right, everybody shut up.

The masked singer

is about to reveal who the big Gatorade-Bottle-Of-Pee is!

They're really scraping the bottom of the barrel for new costumes.

And your masked singer is...

Wait, who'd they say?

It's another D-Lister nobody can recognize my face alone.

Damn it, Peter! Do you know how many hours of Ken Jeong

and his tiny jackets I tolerated for that moment?

Sorry. In the future, I'll try not to be so... ...careless.

God, he never thinks about others.

Remember when he totally ruined our family

Thanksgiving football game?

Okay, we gotta go all tush-pushes.

Hot niece I'm not related to by blood, you're the center.

The rest of you, shove me into her as hard as you can.

So, I put the bottle down.

But even though her family forgave me,

I'll never forgive myself.

Bravo!

I knew these AA stories would be the perfect set-up

for the guilty pain of "Careless Whisper".

Okay, let's take it from the top

with the guy who can only have

supervised Panera visits with his kid.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Now, this screen is gonna ask you a couple of questions.

You want a tip?

Add 35%?

You have to pick it 'cause it's the button in the middle.

What the hell, Peter?

This is the fifth night in a row you woke me up with that damn song.

Your house is where the streetlight is.

It's not my fault.

Yeah, well, thanks a lot.

I was only having the best dream ever.

Oh yeah? One of them that ends wet?

No. Get this, I'm returning the lawn mower to Home Depot.

The workers were wearing blue but I still knew it was

a Home Depot,

dreams are weird like that.

Anyway, they offer me cash instead of store credit.

So I ask, "Are you sure? It's covered in grass, and I don't have a receipt."

And then you know what Bud said--

That was the guy's name, Bud,

which is also my Dad's name so.

Sir Carl Jung would have a field... ...field day with that one.

Anyway, you know what he said?

- No. - Me neither!

Now go play inside so I can get back to sleep

and see how this roller coaster ends.

And before you go to bed, this screen is gonna ask you a couple of questions.

Good game. Good game.

Good game. Hey, nice assist back there.

Good game. Good game.

Hey, Quagmire, you got a minute?

Sure, let me just violently wave my door a couple of times...

Come on in.

What am I gonna do, Quagmire?

Peter's driving me nuts with that saxophone.

Joseph, I realized a long time ago,

you can't fight Peter's antics.

The harder you resist the shenanigans,

the shenannier they become.

So what I did was put together

the Peter Griffin Survival Kit.

It's everything you need to make being his neighbor tolerable.

I've got a variety of these different sized plugs--

To put in your ears when he's loud?

Yeah or, you know, anywhere they fit.

And this tracks Peter's heart rate,

so I can avoid him when he's overstimulated.

That spike is when he found a frog the other day.

Do you have anything to help me sleep?

That doesn't involve putting your orifice plug in my ear, ideally.

As a matter of fact, I do.

These are powerful, unregulated sleeping pills.

I got them in the Navy.

They give these to all the guys who commit atrocious massacres

and then have trouble sleeping.

A caterpillar in March?

I'm coming! I'm coming!

Angrily tying a bathrobe... 'cause I got woken up...

Thanks again for those sleepy pills, Mr. Q.

Front row tickets to the blanket show, baby.

"Mr. Q?" What are you-- Oh my God!

Joe, you're walking!

Walk it like I talk it and talk it like I walk it.

Wait, are you.

You're asleep! How is this possible?

Well, I could tell you, but who needs a long, boring story.

You're walking and self-aware?

It's a miracle!

What happened?

What happened is you walked!

Oh my God, you're right!

I beat my record.

All right, what do we got,

four middle-aged guys at the same appointment?

I don't need to know how it got up there.

Just tell me who I'm taking it out of.

No, no! Doc, it's Joe!

He took a super strong sleeping pill last night and sleepwalked!

Well, people do display odd behavior under the influence of drugs

like Ambien. Let me get somebody better suited to help.

I got a code TB12 in room three.

Hi, I'm pseudo-science expert and Tom Brady face-thinner-outer

Doctor Alex Guerrero.

Now, how can I help you gentlemen?

I've been in a chair for years,

but I took one of these last night and started walking.

Interesting.

Well, there must be a neurological explanation.

So to get to the bottom of it, we'll have to use...

- An MRI? - ...our imaginations!

I think these pills put you in such a deep state of sleep,

the damaged part of your spinal cord went offline.

Then to compensate,

an undamaged neural pathway activated allowing you to walk.

So as long as Joe takes those pills,

he can walk again, right?

Yes, and no.

His legs might work, but in that state,

he'll have no access to his waking memory

or the personality he's developed over the course of his life.

So technically, it won't really be Joe who's walking.

Well, now that you mention it, he was acting strange.

He was super laid back and kind of cool!

Well, during sleep, we're not preoccupied with the stress

of our day to day lives.

So for him to be very relaxed makes a lot of sense.

Yeah, but does it though?

If you want my opinion-- and I cannot stress enough

how uninformed it is-- Joe should stay away from these pills.

There's no telling what sort of negative side effects they might have.

Well, guess it's back to my chair.

Thanks for seeing me.

My pleasure. Oh, you can make the co-pay out

to "Guerrero Shipping Solutions, LLC,"

and if anyone asks, this all took place in the state of Delaware.

Coming up this month on Turner Classic Movies.

Get a hold of yourself!

Turner Classic Movies,

if a woman gets slapped in black and white, we've got it.

So, I was choring it up last Friday,

buying new batteries for the smoke detector--

Ho-- Hold on, Joe.

This anecdote sounds like it's turning into a story.

Oh, it's a story alright.

- Quagmire, story clock. - On it.

Okay, you got 60 seconds, Joe.

Come on, is that thing really necessary?

You're using your time, Joe.

Okay. Okay. Where was I...

batteries for the smoke detector.

So I get to the store and I'm like, "Shoot.

There's A batteries, C batteries, and D batteries."

And that got me to thinking where the heck are the B batteries?

Did they really skip B?

I don't buy it, so I start digging.

- Time! - Oh, that's not fair.

Joe, if you talk any more, you're gonna put us all to sleep.

Wish Joe was asleep. He was way more interesting.

Yeah, Joe, why don't you take another one of them sleeping pills?

Maybe you'll sleepwalk again.

What the hell.

I guess one more time won't hurt.

Uh-uh, hell no! This ain't part of God's plan.

Holy crap, that's amazing!

That was my credit he played,

and I'm not a huge Bob Marley guy,

but otherwise, holy crap, that's amazing!

So I'm thinking I'll have. a summer solstice party.

Send the old' girl in the sky a big 'preesh for the vitamin D.

You guys should check it out.

And if you have any trouble getting in,

just tell 'em you're with... Joey Goodtimes.

- Can I bring a date? - No.

Bring two.

Man, sleepwalking Joe is awesome.

That was my beer for which I've been waiting quite some time.

But otherwise, sleepwalking Joe is awesome!

Hey, some party, Joe!

It's "Joey." Who's up for some food?

Great. Nothing like the Joe Swanson special,

a supermarket vegetable platter warmed by the sun.

Here we are, gents. Bowl of Ruffles, two liter bottle of Coke.

Pizza's on the way.

- Wow! - No way!

Donna says Cola makes me jumpy.

Did y'all meet Bon-fire? I call her that 'cause she's smoking hot.

Peter, give me a nickname that tells people I'm hot.

I think everyone here has met. Dumpster-fire?

- Peter! - It's 'cause of the hair!

Jam band's starting, Bon-fire.

Let's go dance like it's our first day in a human body.

What the hell, Peter?

Joe's unconscious, and he and Bonnie have a better sex life than we do.

Lois, we've been over this.

Once one of us agrees to shave it,

we're back in business.

Man, I had the best time at Joe's yesterday.

You said it! Me and Donna ate some goofy mushrooms and then cried

watching the sunrise.

And good crying,

not the-bank's-coming for-your-house crying.

- Hey, there he is! - The King!

We are very behind on our payments though.

What are you guys talking about?

It's just me, Joe.

We know! You sleepwalked again

and threw the most epic party of all time!

Yeah, why didn't you tell me a "free love tent" is just an orgy,

minus condoms, plus B-O?

Oh man, I had that at my party?

I hope Bonnie didn't see. She'd kill me.

Uh, Joe, Bonnie was in the tent.

But don't worry, she didn't do anything with anybody but you.

Even under-the-pants stuff?

Well, I am done with those pills.

Next time I get UTP action, I wanna be there.

That's too bad 'cause Joey Goodtimes is the man.

He's so popular, he already has his own Cameo account.

Hey there "Peter Griffin"!

Heard somebody's a little nervous about changing his clothes at Planet Fitness.

Well, let me tell you there's no shame in your game, no matter how much...

it turtles in front of a crowd.

Are you coming back to bed, Joey?

Yeah, just firing off some inspo to a fat idiot with big balls, baby carrot.

It's like monster truck wheels on a Miata.

You're, uh, still learning how to end the record.

Hey, Bon, sorry I missed the big party yesterday but I was thinking

we could recreate that magic with some Bosch and chill.

Um, no, thanks.

You sure? Doesn't have to be Bosch.

Could be any one of those last name crime shows and chill.

Bul? Luther? Longmire? Reacher? Will Trent?

Which, I know, it's a first-name last-name crime show.

But what the hell, it's almost Friday.

Just wake me up if you decide to fall asleep again.

Bon-fire needs another log.

Actually, with the drought we've had,

we probably shouldn't be starting any more fires--

Bon?

When did we get so boring, Joe?

Speak for yourself.

Joey Goodtimes and boring go together

like peanut butter and jelly. I know you guys like that,

but in the imaginary mirror universe, it's a gross combo.

So tell me, when was the last time your friends were excited to see you?

When was the last time Bonnie wanted you to come to bed?

You're right. Bonnie and the guys deserve better.

I have to go. Got a ketchup and tuna sandwich over here

that ain't gonna eat itself. Again, mirror universe.

Okay, Joey's back so let the good times walk.

Wait, so I'm stuck in here now?

Might as well see what all the fuss is about.

He gets Bonnie, and I get a crappy mirror sandwich?

I don't know where you get the energy after a night like that.

Just get over here, babe.

I'm gonna do you right on the counter

where I prepped the raw chicken.

Your boobs are so wet.

You're still holding the chicken breast.

Oh. Well, in my defense, I am asleep.

Good God! He hit it so far,

they added a yellow tail so the viewers at home can enjoy it.

Alright, fellas, let's go.

Good thing we don't need that golf cart anymore.

We get to walk all 18 holes.

Sheesh, I don't even walk the mini golf course.

Hey, slowpokes, what do you want to drink?

- Beer! - Pedialyte.

We don't have Pedialyte.

Don't worry, Cleveland, Joey's got ya.

Ava, give me a warm ginger ale and a flat Sprite.

Little trick I learned from nausea TikTok.

My Apple Pay's on,

you can just swipe my pocket, hun.

Mmm... I can feel it coating my troubled innards.

You know what?

Gimme one of them clam chowders

and a Baby Ruth.

Okay, that's 17, but let's just call it 18 for legal reasons.

And that's another 20 for me.

I think it's the Asian half that makes Tiger Woods talented.

Boy, I hope no ground hogs pop up and drag my ball into the hole.

Because that would be terrible.

Sounds like fun up there. Should we go?

Honey? We can't.

It's not February second.

Uch! One day. Black people get a whole month.

Gerald. Don't.

What? Breast cancer gets a month.

Mustaches get a month.

Not masturbating gets a month!

Save it for your podcast, honey.

I can't believe Joey stayed to play another round.

Yeah, he said he wanted to get in 54.

I can't even do that math.

Not even I can get in that many holes, tired giggity.

It's like he ditched us.

Probably because you don't like to shower after a round.

Yeah, I-- I can smell you from here.

I forgot my jelly shoes.

It's important to wear them in the clubhouse

because drainage in a public locker room--

Alright, I'm starting the clock.

Did you just "Joe" me?

If anybody should be "Joe"-ing somebody, it should be me "Joe"-ing you.

Don't you dare "Joe" me, you fat turd!

Wait, guys, guys. Don't you realize what's happening?

Every friend group needs to have a bottom friend.

A guy who's doing way worse than all the rest of us.

And we lost our bottom friend!

Three Shirley Temples for that booth over there.

You're right. Ever since Joe became awesome,

the rest of us are just scrambling to stay off the bottom.

Without Joe, we're like Oates, Messina and Garfunkel.

Well, that's a funny cutaway we don't have time for.

But we gotta get the old Joe back!

From the gentleman at the bar.

He told me to tell you, "Bottoms up".

Hey, Joey, how'd you shoot?

Oh, I don't keep score, but someone else did.

Sixty-eight.

Oh cool. Here's a question.

Is Bermuda grass something you can grow anywhere,

or is it like champagne and it has to come from there?

Oh, that's a long, boring story

that I have no desire to tell.

Joey, is a AAA membership worth it?

I'll have plenty of time to tell you that when I'm not waiting in line at the DMV.

Or getting up to 40% off tickets to any participating AMC theater.

Hey, whatever this is, knock it off!

Hey, Joey, I can never remember,

what group sings this song.

♪ Life is a highway ♪

♪ I wanna ride it ♪

♪ All night long ♪

Uh, actually, it's not a group,

it's a person. Tom Cochrane.

A Canuck, no less--

I know what you guys are doing!

You're trying to get rid of Joey Goodtimes!

Wheel to the light, Joe! We need you back.

No! But I'm cool now!

The old Joe was just a crippled punching bag!

That's right.

And he was our crippled punching bag and we miss him.

Yeah, we thought we liked this Joe better, but we don't.

That's right. The old Joe is the best Joe.

I can't go back!

I'll never go back!

Fine. I didn't want to have to do this, but I will.

Joe tell us why aren't there any B batteries?

I-- I won't!

Why aren't there any B batteries?

There are! There are B batteries.

It's just electronics manufacturers favored

the dimensions of the new double and triple As.

We all know C and D found their niche

in high drain situations,

but B slowly disappeared.

Except for European lanterns and bike lights!

Joe, it's a miracle!

You can't walk!

And that's why Ralph Nader deemed it,

"unsafe at any speed".

Wow, that was so long and boring.

It's nice to have you back, Joe.

And I enjoy having the space on the booth seat for my pocket bric-a-brac back.

Hey, what did you end up doing with the rest of those pills I gave you?

I dumped them in the 18th hole in honor of Joey Goodtimes.

Oh, Gerald. What are you doing?

Don't worry about what I'm doing, baby.

Worry about what I'm about to do.

I'm gonna turn Groundhog Day into poundhog day.

Gerald, I'm cooking an acorn.