Original subtitles

♪ I GOTCHA WITH MY WINNING SMILE ♪

♪ I'M A LIVIN' LESSON IN FLAIR AND STYLE ♪

♪ JUST CAN'T HELP BUT STARE ♪

♪ AT MY SAVOIR-FAIRE ♪

♪ I'M NOUVEAU, DECO, ROMAN-GRECO, ROCOCO, BARROCO, ♪

♪ BE-BOP, HIP-HOP, FLIP-FLOP, SOMEBODY STOP ME ♪

♪ PRETTY VIRIDIAN FACES LIKE MINE ♪

♪ DON'T COME A DIME A DOZEN ♪

♪ I STAND OUT OF THE CROWD ♪

♪ BABE, WHEN THEY MADE ME, ♪

♪ YEAH, THEY BROKE THE MOLD ♪

♪ WHOLESOME AND KIND, STAID AND REFINED, ♪

♪ TOTALLY OUT OF MY MIND ♪

♪ ARCH-VILLAINS AND NE'ER-DO-WELLS ♪

♪ HAD BETTER LEARN TO DECORATE PRISON CELLS ♪

♪ GREEN GOES WITH ANYTHING IF THEY ASK, SEE ♪

♪ WELL, THERE'S ONE LAST THING I GOT TO SING ABOUT ♪

♪ OPEN UP WIDE AND REALLY SHOUT ♪

♪ WHOA, LOOK OUT ♪

♪ THIS IS THE MASK ♪♪

SMOKIN'

PEGGY BRANDT, NOVEMBER 6TH.

I'M IN A PARKING GARAGE ON THIRD AND MAIN

WAITING FOR CONTACT WITH MY SOURCE.

OVER HERE, MS. BRANDT.

DID YOU COME ALONE?

AS PER YOUR INSTRUCTIONS, YES.

ARE YOU STREP THROAT?

OH, THIS IS STUPID.

WHY DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS?

BECAUSE IT'S MY GAME AND MY RULES!

NOW, DO YOU WANT THIS INTERVIEW OR NOT?

YOU KNOW I DO.

IT'S THE STORY OF A LIFETIME,

ONE-ON-ONE WITH THE MASK,

BUT A SECRET RENDEZVOUS?

STREP THROAT?

I MEAN, COME ON.

ONE-ON-ONE WITH THE MASK?

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE CALLING THIS?

YEAH, WHY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

WELL, RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD, IT STINKS!

YOU NEED AN ANGLE, SOMETHING CATCHY,

SOMETHING THAT'LL GRAB 'EM BY THE EYEBALLS

AND NOT LET GO!

SOMETHING LIKE, ON THE LAM WITH THE MASK.

A NIGHT ON THE TOWN WITH THE MASK.

COME, FAIR PEGGY.

OUR SIX-CYLINDER STEED AWAITS US!

NOT A BAD ANGLE.

A TYPICAL NIGHT OUT WITH THE MASK.

A NIGHT OUT WITH ME IS NEVER TYPICAL.

TO THE COCO BONGO!

♪

HEY, YOU WENT RIGHT BY IT.

DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO FLY THIS THING?

OH, FOR SURE, MAN.

BUT, LIKE, EVER SINCE MY COUSIN SPILLED

A MILKSHAKE IN THE CARB, IT'S BEEN ACTIN' UP.

WE'RE OUT OF CONTROL!

YOU'VE GOT TO STOP IT, DON'T YOU HEAR?

STOP IT!

I'M OUT OF CONTROL!

SOMEBODY STOP ME!

I MEANT THE SHIP!

STOP THE SHIP!

♪

SPEED TOO GREAT.

LOSING CONSCIOUSNESS.

MUSTN'T BLACK OUT.

WE'LL MISS THE MOVIE.

♪

WHAT A RIDE.

WHERE ARE WE?

OR SHOULD I SAY WHEN ARE WE?

ACCORDING TO THIS, IT'S THE YEAR 4,996.

MASK, DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?

I'M UP, I'M UP, WHERE ARE MY PANTS?

I'M UP, I'M UP!

OH, THANK GOODNESS.

FOR A MINUTE THERE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE...

DEAD?

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE JAVA, BABE, YOU'RE

NO BEAUTY QUEEN EITHER.

I MEAN FIRST THING IN THE MORNING AND ALL.

HONEY, IS THE COFFEE READY?

WE MUST'VE PASSED THROUGH SOME KIND OF A TIME WARP.

WE'VE BEEN ASLEEP FOR 3,000 YEARS.

GOOD, 'CAUSE I'll TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

IF I DON'T GET A SOLID 26,280,008 HOURS OF SLEEP

ONCE IN AWHILE, I'M A REAL BEAR.

WELL, BOYS AND GIRLS, WE'RE HERE TO STAY.

WELL, THIS IS JUST GREAT.

ACCORDING TO THIS INVENTORY, WE'VE ONLY GOT

ENOUGH FOOD AND WATER FOR 24 HOURS.

WELL, THAT'S WHEN THE GROCERIES RUN OUT.

AND WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE THAT?

NO REASON, LICORICE?

WILL YOU GET SERIOUS?

I COULD JUST SHAKE YOU!

THANKS TO YOU, WE'RE STRANDED

ON SOME STRANGE PLANET 3,000 YEARS IN THE FUTURE!

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

WELL, I SAY WE CHECK INTO A NICE HOTEL,

TAKE IN THE SIGHTS, SEE A FEW SHOWS.

YOU DO HAVE AN EXPENSE ACCOUNT, DON'T YOU?

AND SO IT CAME TO PASS THAT PEGGY AND THE MASK

BEGAN THEIR ARDUOUS JOURNEY TOGETHER,

A JOURNEY BORN OF A DESPERATE STRUGGLE

FOR SURVIVAL AND FUELED BY HOPE IN THEIR SEARCH

FOR THE LAND OF MILK AND HONEY

AND FRUIT-LADEN TREES APLENTY.

IT WAS A TIME OF GREAT SUFFERING

AND THE WAILING AND GNASHING OF TEETH

AND MUCH HEARTACHE.

ALL RIGHT, WE GET THE IDEA!

HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF SUFFERING IN SILENCE?

NO, BUT I'M SURE YOUR READERS CAN

TELL US ABOUT IT.

MY READERS, DON'T REMIND ME.

HERE I AM WITH THE STORY OF THE YEAR,

AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH THE MASK,

AND I'M 3,000 YEARS TOO LATE.

OH, WELL, YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING.

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER?

NO, THERE'S A HAIRY BUNCH OF SAVAGES STANDING

RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

HUMANS!

A CITY!

WE'RE SAVED!

♪

YES, BUT WHO ARE THESE NOBLE CREATURES?

AND HOW DID THEY ARRIVE AT THIS SORRY JUNCTURE

IN THE COURSE OF EVOLUTION?

IF ONLY WE HAD SOME SORT OF CLUE.

IT SAYS HERE, THEY'RE FROM THE LONG-DEFUNCT

LAW FIRM OF AUDACIOUS, BRAZEN, AND CRASS.

OF COURSE!

THE STRANGE CLOTHES!

THE LANGUAGE ALL THEIR OWN.

THEY'RE A DEVOLVED TRIBE OF ENTERTAINMENT LAWYERS.

WELL, YOU GOT TO FIND A WAY TO COMMUNICATE WITH THEM.

TELL 'EM WE NEED FOOD AND SHELTER

AND A RIDE HOME.

I HAVE JUST THE THING.

♪

THIS WAY, DOLL.

THEY SAID, AND I QUOTE, "WE CASA IS YOU CASA."

GREAT, BUT WHERE ARE THEY GOING?

THE CITY'S THAT WAY.

OH, THEY NO LIVE IN CITY.

CATCHY ALL SAME-SAME.

TOO CROWDED, YOU SAVVY?

PARKING NIGHTMARE.

BUT IF HUMANS DON'T LIVE IN THE CITY, WHO DOES?

♪

WILL YOU LOOK AT ALL THE SEASONED BIKERS.

THERE'S DEB AND AL... MUST BE SOME KIND

OF DAREDEVIL TEAM.

YOU KNOW I ALWAYS GET ROPED IN BY THESE STUNT SHOWS.

HEY, BOYS!

YOU MIND IF I PUT MY OWN SPIN ON THINGS?

NOW, THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT.

TORRO, OLE!

IT IS MY LATEST WORK OF ART.

I CALL IT CRASH AND FERN.

MASK!

HELP, COME QUICK!

GOTTA GO, BOYS.

THAT'S THE OLD BALL AND CHAIN A-CALLIN'.

NOW PAY ATTENTION, PEGGY.

THAT'S NINE DOWN AND... ONE TO GO, LOOK!

WHO ARE THESE GUYS?

SAY OINK.

OINK!

OH... BROTHER.

♪

HEY, THE NEW CROP OF HUMANS ARE IN.

LET'S HOPE THEY'RE SMARTER THAN THE LAST BATCH.

YEAH.

YOU JUST CAN'T CATCH GOOD HELP ANYMORE.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

GOTTA GO, BABE, EARLY SQUASH GAME.

YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

NO, I MEAN WHAT HAPPENED?

WHERE ARE WE, AND WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

THAT WOULD BE ME.

YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

NO. NO, NO, NO PROBLEM AT ALL.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THAT FROM HIM.

YOU'RE THE MASK.

GET US OUT OF HERE!

NO CAN DO, I'M UNDER THEIR SPELL.

YEAH.

WE SLAPPED THE COLLAR OF COMPLIANCE ON HIM.

THE COLLAR OF COMPLIANCE?

TIRED OF DEALING WITH PRISONERS

THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY, FRIENDS?

WANT TO TAKE THE HASSLE OUT OF PRISON REFORM?

THEN THROW AWAY ALL THOSE TIRED, OLD

DISCIPLINARY TOOLS AND GET THE COLLAR OF COMPLIANCE!

WITH THE SIMPLE PUSH OF A REMOTE

AND A FEW WELL-UTTERED COMMANDS, YOU TOO CAN HAVE

EVEN THE MOST HARDENED CRIMINALS JUMPING THROUGH HOOPS.

LAB-TESTED COMMANDS LIKE ROLL OVER.

PLAY DEAD.

AND STOP LICKING THOSE FLEAS.

WHY IS HE DOING THAT?

BECAUSE HE CAN.

GIVE ME THAT, I DON'T WANT YOUR COOTIES.

NOW... NOW JUST SIT THERE AND STAY.

YOU HEAR, STAY!

AND YOU COME WITH ME.

YOU'VE BEEN SELECTED.

♪

CUSTODIAN.

TOILET SCRUBBER.

THEY'RE TURNING US INTO SLAVES!

SLAVES OF THEIR CORPORATE EMPIRE.

EXCUSE ME!

I THINK THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE.

MY FRIEND AND I, WE DON'T BELONG HERE.

WE COME FROM A TIME WHEN HUMANS RULED THE EARTH.

REALLY, YOU'VE GOT TO BELIEVE ME.

WE'RE JUST AS SMART AS YOU.

WE'RE INTELLIGENT.

OH, LOOK, HON.

INTELLIGENT HUMANS.

SURE THEY ARE.

IT'S TRUE.

LET ME PROVE IT TO YOU.

WE HAVE NO TIME FOR GAMES.

I HAVE A CROSSWORD TO FINISH.

TAKE HER AWAY.

HEY, I'M NOT THROUGH WITH THAT.

HERE, TAKE THE ART SECTION.

HERE YOU GO.

WHY, IF SHE WEREN'T A GIRL, I'D...

EASY, ROD.

NO HARM DONE.

OKAY, I NEED A NINE-LETTER WORD FOR STUBBORN.

PIGHEADED!

SO YOU SEE, DR. MAIUS, THEY'RE VERY CLEVER.

AND SO MUCH MORE ADVANCED THAN OTHER HUMANS,

ESPECIALLY THE GREEN-FACED ONE.

TEACHER'S PET.

JEALOUS?

THEIR INTELLIGENCE IS EXACTLY

WHAT CONCERNS ME, PAISLEY.

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN OUR LAWS?

THE TEACHINGS OF OUR SACRED COBS?

THE SACRED COBS!

THE WISDOM OF THE OLD ONES.

BEWARE THE BEAST MAN FOR IN HIM LIES THE ROOT

OF ALL EVIL.

SHUN HIM.

CAST HIM OUT.

HE IS THE HARBINGER OF DOOM,

THE EATER OF PORK!

HEY, DON'T KNOCK IT TILL YOU'VE TRIED IT.

YOU SEE?

SAVAGES!

GUARDS, TAKE THEM AWAY.

READY, AIM...

WAIT, DOCTOR, MAYBE WE CAN REFORM THEM.

YOU MEAN BREAK THEM OF THEIR LOVE OF PORK?

IMPOSSIBLE!

I'M WITH OLD DOC MAIUS ON THIS ONE, PAIS.

YOU CAN'T MAKE A SILK PURSE OUT OF A SOW'S EAR.

BUT THEY DO MAKE DANDY HANDLES, DON'T THEY?

OKAY, ENOUGH!

THESE HUMANS ARE A THREAT

TO OUR VERY EXISTENCE.

I WANT THEM TERMINATED IMMEDIATELY!

TERMINATED?

IT IS I WHO WILL BE DOING THE TERMINATING AROUND HERE,

YOU FLABBY, LITTLE, GIRLY PIGS.

♪

NO, COME BACK!

HE SAID TERMINATED, NOT EXTERMINATED!

YOU'VE BEING FIRED, NOT EXECUTED.

LOOK WHAT YOUR MEDDLING HAS DONE.

NOW WE HAVE AN ARMED LUNATIC ON OUR HANDS.

HEY, THERE, SORRY TO JUST DROP IN LIKE THIS.

I'M JUST SUCH A HAM.

- THERE HE IS! - HEY!

CALLING ALL SOWS, CALLING ALL SOWS.

FOOD FIGHT AT THE CORNER OF PORK AND BEANS.

SEE THE MASKED MAN, OVER.

♪

THIS GREASED PIGGY WENT TO MARKET.

THESE LITTLE PIGGIES STAYED HOME.

THIS LITTLE PIGGY SERVED ROAST BEEF.

AND THIS ANGRY PIGGY HAD NONE.

THEN THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT HE-HE-HE ALL THE WAY...

HEY, I CAN'T BUDGE!

I'M A STUCK PIG.

WHERE AM I?

WHAT HAPPENED?

AND WHY DOES MY HAIR SMELL LIKE BACON GREASE?

PIGS, PUT ME DOWN.

PIGS?

WALKING, TALKING PIGS.

I MUST BE HAVING A NIGHTMARE.

HEY, SOMEBODY PINCH ME.

OW!

LOOK AT THE HUMAN. WHAT A DIMWIT.

THEY'RE ALL THE SAME.

YOU KEEP YOUR STINKING COMMENTS TO YOURSELF,

YOU DARN DIRTY SWINE!

WELL, BE... BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, IF YOU DON'T

HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY, WELL,

THEN YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL,

YOU SEE, BUT... ♪

YOUR OUTBURST HAS MADE A MOCKERY OF OUR CULTURE.

IT'S GIVEN OUR CORPORATE IMAGE A BLACK EYE.

TERMINATION IS NOT A SEVERE ENOUGH PUNISHMENT

FOR THE LIKES OF YOU!

OINK, OINK, OINK, OINK!

THEREFORE, IT IS THE DECISION

OF THIS COUNCIL TO HAVE YOU...

TO HAVE US WHAT?

EXTERMINATED, EXPERIMENTED ON?

TRANSFERRED TO OUR SISTER CORPORATION

IN ALL BALONEY.

ALL BALONEY?

OUR NATION'S NUMBER ONE PRODUCER

OF SOIL AND GREEN, A PORCINE DELICACY.

OH, GOOD.

YOU KNOW, WE... FOR A MINUTE THERE,

I THOUGHT WE WERE GONERS.

CAN YOU... CAN YOU IMAGINE?

WE THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT ANY HUMAN THAT'S BEEN SENT

TO ALL BALONEY...

HAS NEVER BEEN HEARD FROM AGAIN.

YOU MEAN SOIL AND GREENS ARE PEOPLE?

NO, DON'T BE SILLY.

WE'RE VEGETARIANS.

BUT THAT DOES NOT CHANGE YOUR FATE

AND THE FACT THAT YOU WILL REMAIN THERE

FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS.

THIS COURT IS ADJOURNED!

THIS DOES NOT LOOK GOOD, STANLEY.

I KNOW, IF ONLY I HAD MY MASK.

THIS IS THE LAST YOU'LL SEE OF THE OUTSIDE WORLD

FOR A LONG TIME.

OH, THIS IS REALLY SILLY.

I SAW IT IN A MOVIE ONCE.

- PORTLY? - PAISLEY?

- STANLEY! - PEGGY!

WE HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.

HEY, THAT'S RIGHT.

OH, WE LEFT WITHOUT A GOOD-BYE HUG.

THAT'S NICE, BUT WHY DON'T WE

JUST GAVE YOU THIS INSTEAD?

MY MASK!

WHERE'D YOU FIND IT?

MY COUSIN WORKS DOWN IN WASTE DISPOSAL.

PUT IT ON.

STANLEY, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

DON'T TELL ME IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE

AT ODDS ABOUT PUTTING IT ON!

NO.

ITS BECAUSE IT SMELLS LIKE GARBAGE.

PUT IT ON!

WHAT IN HAMNATION WAS THAT?

YOU TWO ARE SUCH BOARS!

LOOSEN UP!

IT'S PARTY TIME.

HEY, IF THIS VAN'S ROCKIN', DON'T COME KNOCKIN'.

SHOULDN'T WE HELP THEM?

NAH, THEY'LL BE FINE.

IT'S YOU TWO I'M WORRIED ABOUT.

BY SAVING US, YOU'VE CONDEMNED YOURSELVES.

THAT'S TRUE, BUT WE WOULDN'T WANT TO LIVE

IN A WORLD WHERE SOCIAL STATUS IS BASED SOLELY

ON WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.

BESIDES, OUR CAREERS WERE GOING NOWHERE.

IT WAS TIME FOR CHANGE.

FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT.

THESE LITTLE PIGGIES COULD USE A CHANGE THEMSELVES.

WE HAVE TO HURRY.

THEY WON'T NAP LONG, THESE LITTLE DARLINGS.

YEAH, BUT WHERE WILL WE GO?

THE ONLY PLACE WE CAN GO

TO ESCAPE THE WRATH OF DR. MAIUS.

YOU MEAN...

BENEATH... AROUND... UNDER... INTO THE SOW'S BELLY.

SMOKIN'!

WHAT IS THIS PLACE?

THE FLEA-BITTEN ZONE.

IT'S ALL THAT REMAINS OF SOME LONG-VANISHED

CULTURE, A SUBTERRANEAN GHOST TOWN THAT'S

OFF LIMITS TO EVERYONE BUT DR. MAIUS.

AND NOW, I UNDERSTAND WHY.

THESE ARTIFACTS, HUMAN IN DESIGN,

WERE CREATED LONG BEFORE

THE SACRED COBS WERE EVEN WRITTEN.

HOW CAN YOU BE SURE?

THE EXPIRY DATES, SEE?

UH-OH, MARCH '97?

EAT UP, GUYS!

THEN IT'S TRUE.

THERE WAS A TIME WHEN HUMANS RULED THE EARTH!

CONGRATULATIONS, PAISLEY MY DEAR.

YOU'VE MADE A REMARKABLE DISCOVERY.

UNFORTUNATELY, YOU'LL NEVER RETURN

TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT.

DR. MAIUS!

YOU MEAN YOU'VE KNOWN ABOUT THIS ALL ALONG?

OF COURSE I KNEW!

THE FLEA-BITTEN ZONE WAS ONCE A PARADISE

UNTIL THEIR KIND TURNED IT INTO A GHOST TOWN.

THAT'S RIGHT.

AND THEY SAY THAT ON NIGHTS JUST LIKE THIS,

HUMAN SPIRITS RISE TO REVEL

IN A LUAU OF THE DEAD.

BACON!

PORK CHOPS?

WE'D HEARD ABOUT SUCH HORRORS,

BUT NEVER THOUGHT THEY EXISTED!

DR. MAIUS, YOU MAKE IT STOP!

MAKE IT STOP!

I LOVE SAUSAGES.

SAUSAGES.

SAUSAGES!

DON'T BE ALARMED.

WELL, DOCTOR, IT LOOKS LIKE THE SHOE

IS ON THE OTHER HOOF.

WELL, KIDS, WE GOT TO BE SHOVIN' OFF NOW.

ADIOS, SEE YOU, TOOTLES, FARE DI SLICE, BYE!

AND GOOD RIDDANCE.

JUST REMEMBER OUR DEAL, DOCTOR.

NO HARM WILL COME TO OUR FRIENDS HERE

OR YOU KNOW WHO WILL PAY YOU ANOTHER VISIT.

IT'LL BE LIKE A SLEEPOVER.

I MEAN, WE CAN TALK AND PLAY CHARADES

AND DO EACH OTHER'S HAIR AND GIGGLE

AND TALK ABOUT BOYS.

YES, IT'S A DEAL!

JUST KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ME!

WHAT?

NO GOOD-BYE WEDGIES?

NO, NO, NO, NO, GOOD-BYE WEDGIES.

NO GOOD-BYE WEDGIES!

- BYE! - BYE!

WHAT WILL THEY FIND OUT THERE, DOCTOR?

THEIR DESTINY.

STOP!

NO, YOU MANIACS!

YOU FLOODED IT UP!

DARN YOU!

DARN YOU ALL TO HECK!

NO!

HOLD IT, WHAT ABOUT US?

HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET HOME?

WE ARE HOME, PEGSTER.

THIS IS EARTH, DON'T YOU GET IT?

I GET IT.

BUT THAT STILL DOESN'T EXPLAIN

HOW WE'RE GONNA GET BACK TO THE 20TH CENTURY.

NO, YEAH?

TELL ME, PEG.

WHAT DO YOU DO ON EARTH

WHEN YOU WANT TO GET SOMEPLACE?

YOU WHISTLE.

YOU CAN WHISTLE, CAN'T YOU, PEG?

YOU JUST PUCKER YOUR LIPS AND BLOW.

WHERE TO, MISS?

TO THE 20TH CENTURY, MY GOOD MAN.

AND STEP ON IT.

NOW, WHERE WERE WE?

OH, YEAH.

A NIGHT OUT ON THE TOWN WITH THE MASK,

BY PEGGY BRANDT.

NEXT STOP, THE COCO BONGO!

♪