Original subtitles

♪

♪ I GOTCHA WITH MY WINNING SMILE ♪

♪ I'M A LIVING LESSON IN FLAIR AND STYLE ♪

♪ YOU JUST CAN'T HELP BUT STARE AT MY SAVOIR-FAIRE ♪

♪ I'M NOUVEAU, DECO, ROMAN GRECO ♪

♪ ROCOCO, BARROCO, BEBOP, HIP HOP, FLIP FLOP ♪

♪ SOMEBODY, STOP ME ♪

♪ PRETTY VIRIDIAN FACES LIKE MINE ♪

♪ DON'T COME A DIME A DOZEN, I STAND OUT IN THE CROWD ♪

♪ BABE, WHEN THEY MADE ME, YEAH, THEY BROKE THE MOLD ♪

♪ WHOLESOME AND KIND, STAID AND REFINED ♪

♪ TOTALLY OUT OF MY MIND ♪

♪ ARCH-VILLAINS AND NE'ER DO WELLS ♪

♪ HAD BETTER LEARN TO DECORATE PRISON CELLS ♪

♪ GREEN GOES WITH ANYTHING IF THEY ASK, SEE ♪

♪ WELL, THERE'S ONE LAST THING I GOT TO SING ABOUT ♪

♪ OPEN UP WIDE AND REALLY SHOUT ♪

♪ WHOA, LOOK OUT, THIS IS THE MASK ♪

♪ SMOKIN' ♪♪

♪

NOBODY MOVE, THIS AIRPLANE IS BEING HIJACKED

BY THE PLANTAIN REPUBLIC LIBERATION ARMY.

BEHAVING YOURSELVES, AND NOBODY GETTING HURT.

THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK, SMILEY!

WE'RE EXPERIENCING SOME TURBULENCE, SO PLEASE

REMAIN IN OUR SEAT AND FASTEN OUR SEATBELT.

OH, SOMEBODY'S TRAY ISN'T IN AN UPRIGHT

AND LOCKED POSITION!

THERE, NOW, ISN'T THAT MORE COMFY?

NOW, WHAT ABOUT YOUR BUDDY?

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU FREQUENT FLYER, YOU.

YOU'VE JUST BEEN UPGRADED FROM COACH TO FIRST CLASS!

♪

THE PILOT'S UNCONSCIOUS!

THERE'S NOBODY TO FLY THE PLANE!

FEAR NOT, I CAN FLY THIS RUST BUCKET WITH ONE HAND TIED

BEHIND MY BACK!

♪

DON'T YOU WORRY, MY PRECIOUS JEWEL.

I HAVE SWITCHED ON THE AUTOPILOT.

THAT'S NOT THE AUTOPILOT!

OOPSIE!

WE'RE GONNA CRASH, WE'RE GONNA CRASH!

SIR, SIR, WE'VE ALREADY SAFELY LANDED.

IN FACT, YOU'RE THE LAST ONE ON BOARD.

OH... THIS IS A BAD DREAM.

♪

UH-OH, THERE YOU ARE.

HEY, THAT'S & MINE.

YOU ARE MISTAKEN, THIS IS MY BAG.

SORRY ABOUT THAT, THIS ONE IS MINE.

THEY KINDA LOOK ALIKE.

YES, SO THEY DO.

HEY, I THINK I'VE GOT A POSITIVE I.D.

ON THAT INTERNATIONAL SMUGGLER, SELINA SWINT.

UH, OOH, I'M SURPRISED I HAVEN'T NOTICED YOU BEFORE.

OH, UH, THANK YOU, YEAH, I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE LOUD,

TACKY TOURISTS... OLE!

SUCH BEAUTIFUL EYES YOU HAVE, SUCH LONG LASHES.

CLOSE YOUR EYES AND LET ME SEE THEM?

MY LA-MY LASHES?

SURE, OKAY, HEY, IF YOU INSIST, GO AHEAD.

SO, WHAT'S A NICE GIRL LIKE YOU-UH, HUH?

UH, SO LONG! HOPE TO SEE YOU AGAIN!

YOU CAN PLAN ON IT.

YOU WOULDN'T BE SMUGGLING ANY CONTRABAND,

NOW WOULD YOU... SELINA SWINT!

HEY, WHAT IS ALL THIS STUFF?

IT'S MINE, AND YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG PERSON.

♪

YOU'RE FINE, GO ON.

UM, EXCUSE ME, HOW COME EVERYONE ELSE HAS

TO OPEN THEIR BAGS, BUT NOT ME, HMM?

BECAUSE A WIMP LIKE YOU COULDN'T SNEAK A PEANUT

PAST A SLEEPING BABY.

OH, OH REALLY, WELL, I AM NOT LEAVING

UNTIL YOU CHECK MY BAG, WHOA!

♪

HEY-HEY, QUE PASO, AMIGO, VACATION BOY HAS RETURNED.

AND HOW WAS PEGGY AS A DOGSITTER?

TELL ME, MILO, HOW IS SHE?

AW, THAT BAD, HUH?

♪

WELL, BUDDY, NO FOOD AND NO MONEY.

MAYBE I HAVE A COUPLE BUCKS BURIED IN MY BAG HERE, HUH?

WHERE'D ALL THIS CASH COME FROM?

OH, NO, I MUST'VE TAKEN THAT WOMAN'S BAG BY MISTAKE.

AND THAT MEANS...

THAT-SHE'S GONNA SEE MY UNDERWEAR!

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, SETTLE, RELAX.

I'll CALL THE AIRPORT FIRST THING TOMORROW.

MAYBE THEY'LL BE ABLE TO GET ME HER ADDRESS.

I CAN'T LEAVE THIS KIND OF CASH LYING AROUND, MILO.

I KNOW, I'll STICK IT AT THE SAFETY DEPOSIT BOX.

AT THE BANK.

I GUESS IT WOULDN'T HURT TO BORROW A TWENTY.

ONLY UNTIL TOMORROW.

IPKISS!

IN CASE IT SLIPPED YOUR PUNY LITTLE MIND,

RENT IS DUE ON THE FIRST OF THE MONTH!

I KNOW, MRS. PEENMAN,

BUT I JUST GOT BACK FROM VACATION, AND I DON'T GET PAID

'TIL TOMORROW, MILO'S REALLY HUNGRY.

TRYING TO HOLD OUT ON ME, EH?

B-BUT, MRS. PEENMAN, THAT'S NOT MY & MONEY.

♪

HELLO, ANYBODY HERE?

♪

SO, STANLEY IPKISS, YOU'VE DECIDED

TO MAKE OFF WITH MY MONEY.

WELL, MISTER, YOU'VE JUST BOUGHT YOURSELF A MILLION BUCKS

WORTH OF TROUBLE.

STANLEY, MY MAN, YOU DIDN'T COME INTO SOME DINERO

AND FORGET THE TWENTY BUCKS YOU STILL OWE ME?

YOU KNOW WHAT, CHARLIE?

YOU SEE, THIS ISN'T REALLY MY MONEY.

WOULDN'T STIFF A PAL, WOULD YA?

I DIDN'T THINK SO... MWAH!

CHOW TIME, MILO... MILO?

♪

YOU MAY HAVE MY CASH, BUT I HAVE YOUR DOG!

BRING MY BAG TO BENCH 16 AT LANFIELD PARK AT THREE O'CLOCK

OR THE POOCH IS A GONER!

MASK, OLD PAL, YOU'VE GOT A DATE WITH A DOGNAPPER!

YIKES, STUPID.

C'MON, IT'S GOTTA BE AROUND HERE SOME PLACE.

QUIT SQUIRMING, YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE

BUT TO THE HOOSEGOW, GRAB THE EVIDENCE, DOYLE.

WHOA, YOU KNOW, I NEVER KNEW WAYNE NEWTON'S PICTURE

WAS ON A TWENTY DOLLAR BILL.

THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S COUNTERFEIT, YOU IDIOT.

NICE WORK SPOTTING IT, JENKINS.

I'M TELLING YOU, I GOT IT FROM IPKISS!

HE'S GOT A BAG OF IT!

UH, STANLEY IPKISS WAS IN HERE EARLIER BUYING DOG FOOD.

HE PAID WITH THIS.

IPKISS, HUH?

AH, THERE YOU ARE.

IPKISS, I JUST HEARD ON THE POLICE SCANNER

THAT YOU'RE PASSING PHONY MONEY.

WHAT... I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!

DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME!

I'M GONNA TAKE THE RENT OUT OF YOUR SKINNY HIDE.

MRS. PEENMAN, PLEASE, DON'T!

NO!

♪

BUT I DO LOVE YOU, DARLING, IT'S JUST THAT I'VE DECIDED

TO QUIT THE NEWSPAPER BUSINESS AND MARRY THE PRINCE.

GOODBYE, MY SWEET.

OH, THOSE OLD MOVIE STARS HAD THE LIFE, SUCH GLAMOUR,

SUCH EXCITEMENT.

WELL, I GUESS I BETTER GO BEAT THE BUSHES.

IT'S NOT LIKE SOME SCOOP IS GONNA

COME WALTZING THROUGH THE DOOR.

PEGGY, THE COPS ARE AFTER ME!

YOU GOTTA HELP ME GET THE MASK!

DOGNAPPING, COUNTERFEIT MONEY, AND THE MASK?!

THIS SHOULD BE SOME EXCLUSIVE.

HMM, WHY NOT JUST THIS ONCE?

A STAR & IS BORN!

PEGGY... YOU'RE WEARING THE MASK?

SO I AM.

BUT I NEED IT, I GOTTA RESCUE MILO!

THE TROUBLES OF ONE LITTLE DOG PALE IN COMPARISON

TO MY NEED FOR A BEAUTY MAKEOVER.

MY PUBLIC DEMANDS IT.

♪

I TOLD YOU TO GET ALL THE KINKS OUT!

OH, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY LOVELY TOENAILS?

THEY'RE FAR TOO SHORT.

NOW, START OVER AND DO IT RIGHT.

NO, TURN IT UP HOTTER!

I WANT MY HAIR TO BE EXTRA FLUFFY.

HAHAHAHAHA, HAHAHAHAH, A FABULOUS DO

FOR A FABULOUS DAME.

MIRROR, MIRROR IN MY HAND, WHO'S THE CLASSIEST BABE

IN THE LAND?

OH, WHAT DOES A MIRROR KNOW ABOUT REAL BEAUTY?

SPECTACULAR!

MR. DIRECTOR, I'M READY FOR MY CLOSEUP.

♪

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO HELP ME SO YOU COULD

REPORT A GREAT STORY?

I DON'T NEED TO REPORT THE STORY, DARLING.

I AM THE STORY!

LESS THAN AN HOUR TO SAVE MILO.

FORGET THE MASK, I'll HAVE TO HANDLE THIS MYSELF.

I MEAN, AFTER ALL, I'M MAN ENOUGH TO HANDLE

MY OWN BATTLES.

ALL RIGHT, IPKISS, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.

TICK TOCK, STANLEY IPKISS, TIME IS RUNNING OUT.

BETTER BE AT THAT PARK IN AN HOUR,

FOR YOUR MUTT'S SAKE!

♪

COME ON, I'M NOT A COUNTERFEITER, CALLOWAY!

YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME!

DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME, IPKISS,

I GOT IT ALL ON VIDEOTAPE.

CUE IT UP, DOYLE.

UM, TEN-FIVE, LIEUTENANT.

B-BUT, I THAT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

YEAH, WELL, IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE 20 YEARS IN THE STATE PEN

FOR YOU AND YOUR ALIAS, THE MASK.

VAST DISTURBANCE REPORTED AT FIFTH AND GRAND.

WHOA, LIEUTENANT, IF WE'VE GOT IPKISS IN THE CAR,

AND THE MASK IS OUT THERE, THEN HOW CAN IPKISS BE-

SHUT UP, DOYLE!

ONE NEVER KNOWS WHEN ONE WILL NEED AN EMERGENCY MAKEOVER,

DOES ONE?

YOU'VE PULLED YOUR LAST STUNT, GREEN HEAD!

I HAVE A WEAKNESS FOR TWO- FISTED TYPES LIKE YOU.

HEY, YOU'RE NOT THE-

YOU ADORE ME, YOU DESIRE ME...

YOU WANT TO MARRY ME!

I-I DO?

AND I DO, TOO, DARLING!

I NOW PRONOUNCE US HUSBAND AND GORGEOUS, GLAMOROUS WIFE.

YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BRIDE.

AM I NOT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BRIDE IN THE WORLD?

SISTER, I'VE PULLED THINGS OUT OF THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL

PRETTIER THAN YOU.

AAH!

CONSIDER THAT A DIVORCE!

WOW-EE, THE LIEUTENANT CAN SURE HIT THOSE HIGH NOTES

WHEN HE SCREAMS, HUH?

STANLEY, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME.

♪

OH, STANLEY, IT'S ALMOST TOO MUCH TO BEAR

TO BE SO BEAUTIFUL AND HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL THOSE

UGLY CREATURES DOWN BELOW.

NOT THAT I'M VAIN OR ANYTHING.

PEGGY, I'VE ONLY GOT TEN MINUTES TO SAVE MILO!

PLEASE, GIVE ME THE-AAH!

A CROOKED EYEBROW, THE SHAME!

NO, I CAN'T STAND TO LOOK AT IT, PLEASE, STANLEY DARLING,

TWEEZE ME.

WHOA!

WHOA!

AAH!

NOT GOOD.

FORTUNATELY, MR. MASK IS ALWAYS PREPARED.

A LITTLE TUG ON THE OLD PARACHUTE RIPCORD

AND, VOILA!

THE WRONG CORD.

JUST IN THE NICK OF &

TIME.

THERE YOU ARE, BACK IN MY POSSESSION AT LAST!

OH, MY LOVELY, LOVELY BAG OF-UNDERWEAR?!

THIS IS IPKISS'S JUNK.

♪

BACK OFF, WEIRDO, OR THE POOCH GETS IT!

♪

OBVIOUSLY THIS VICIOUS VIXEN DOESN'T KNOW

WITH WHOM SHE'S DEALING.

♪

AND THAT, GOOD FRIENDS, IS HOW YOU MUFFLE

AN EXPLOSION.

AAH, AH-HA WHEE!

AAH!

DON'T WORRY, HAIRBALL, THE BIG, BAD OLD LADY

WON'T HURT YOU ANYMORE.

I FIGURED THERE MIGHT BE A DOUBLE-CROSS,

SO I KEPT THE REAL DOG STASHED AWAY.

THAT ONE IS STUFFED.

ACTUALLY, I PREFER THE STUFFED MILO, MYSELF.

BUT THERE'S NO ACCOUNTING FOR STANLEY'S TASTE.

YOUR PAL IPKISS BETTER BE AT THE OLD GAZETTE WAREHOUSE

IN FIVE MINUTES WITH MY CASH, OR THE REAL DOG GETS IT!

FIVE MINUTES... I BETTER HAUL TAIL!

HMM, NEED TO USE THE OLD SKELETON KEY.

♪

YIKES, TWO MORE MINUTES AND THE OLD POOCH-O GOES

TO THE BIG HYDRANT IN THE SKY!

I KNEW YOU WERE BEHIND THIS, MASK.

THE COUNTERFEIT MONEY JIG IS UP!

OKAY, SO YOU GOT ME, YOU LOUSY COPPERS.

I'M WASHED UP, VENTILATED, SHOT THROUGH, IT'S CURTAINS...

CURTAINS, I SAY, PICKED 'EM OUT MYSELF, THE BLUE CHINTZ

REALLY PICKS UP THE MAUVE OVERTONES IN THE OTTOMAN.

SO LONG, SUCKERS, DON'T WAIT UP!

UGH, I GOTTA TACKLE THAT PESKY REENTRY PROBLEM

ONE OF THESE DAYS.

OKAY, TOOTS, HERE'S THE DOUGH.

NOW, WHERE'S THE POOCH?

YOU'RE CRUDE, SADISTIC, AND YOU HAVE A ROTTEN

DISPOSITION... YOU AVAILABLE?

I THINK NOT, WITH THIS I CAN BUY STOLEN TREASURY PLATES

THAT WILL ALLOW ME TO PRINT MORE PERFECT

COUNTERFEIT MONEY THAN I CAN EVER SPEND IN A LIFETIME!

ANOTHER DOUBLE-CROSS!

HEY, I DIDN'T DO THAT, I MEAN, I WISH I HAD, BUT I DIDN'T!

WELL, YOU CAN JUST KISS YOUR HAIRY POOCH, GOODBYE!

♪

STOP THE PRESSES, STOP THE PRESSES!

I ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT.

♪

AH-HAHAHAHA, I'VE GOT MONEY TO BURN AND THIS LITTLE BUNDLE

IS GOING RIGHT IN THE FURNACE.

♪

SMOKIN'!

ALL RIGHT, MISS MONEYBAGS, IT'S PAYBACK TIME!

ON SECOND THOUGHT, SIC HER.

NO, GET OFF ME, YOU LITTLE &

ALL RIGHT, MASK, HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.

LOOKS LIKE OUR LITTLE HOMING DEVICE WORKED PERFECTLY.

I STUCK IT IN THE BAG WHEN I SWITCHED THE MONEY

AT THE BANK, I KNEW YOU'D BE BACK TO PICK IT UP.

VERY CLEVER, LIEUTENANT, EXCEPT FOR ONE MINOR SNAG.

YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG CROOK, THAT LADY IS THE GUY YOU WANT.

YOU SEE, I'VE GOT HER ENTIRE CONFESSION RIGHT HERE ON TAPE.

ALL RIGHT, WHO'S THE WISE GUY?

OOH, WAIT, WAIT, I CONFESS TO THE WHOLE THING.

JUST GET THIS HORRIBLE LITTLE BEAST OFF ME.

WHAT A SCOOP, THE MASK DEFEATS COUNTERFEITER.

LOCAL COP SCREWS UP AGAIN, ANY COMMENT, LIEUTENANT?

NO... WAIT A MINUTE... DO I... KNOW YOU?

HEY, DON'T FEEL SO BAD, LIEUTENANT CALLOWAY.

THERE'S ALWAYS NEXT TIME, RIGHT?

HERE, HAVE A SOUVENIR, HEE-HAHAHAHAHAHA.

LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE, LIEUTENANT.

AT LEAST HE DIDN'T WEDGIE YA.

THANKS FOR REMINDING ME, CHUMP!

WHOA! HA HA HA. SOMEBODY, STOP ME!

♪