Original subtitles

[yelling]

♪ I got ya with my winning smile ♪

♪ I'm a living lesson in flair and style ♪

♪ You just can't help but stare at my savoir-faire ♪

♪ I'm Nouveau, Deco, Roman-Greco ♪

♪ Rococo, Barroco ♪

♪ Be-bop, hip-hop, flip-flop ♪

Somebody stop me!

♪ Pretty viridian faces like mine ♪

Don't come a dime a dozen, I stand out of the crowd!

♪ Babe when they made me Yeah they broke the mold! ♪

Wholesome and kind, staid and refined, totally out of my mind!

♪ Arch-villains and ne'er-do-wells ♪

♪ Had better learn to decorate prison cells ♪

Green goes with anything if they ask, see?

♪ Well there's one last thing I gotta sing about ♪

Open up wide and really shout!

Whoa, look out!

♪ This is the Mask! ♪♪

Smokin'!

Oh, whoa.

I got to remember to take this stuff out sooner.

[groans]

[growling]

[screams]

You're beautiful. Stunning.

Simply spectacular.

Thanks, big guy. Couldn't have said it better myself.

Now to top it off with the perfect fashion statement.

Hmm, no.

Man, no.

Nick.

You're right. Why mess with perfection?

[knocking]

Good evening, sir.

Interested in a spectacular deal? Sure you are.

[chuckles] I'm authorized to give you a special...

What a co-winky-dink.

I'm authorized to give you the old heave ho.

There's the hoe.

And here's the heave.

[screams]

[gasps]

Lock-top Putterware?

All the shapes and sizes.

22 decorative colors.

Come to papa. I've got to have them all.

Order me one of everything.

No, better make it two.

Never know when company is coming. See ya!

I gotta shop, shop, shop 'till I drop, drop, drop.

[snoring]

I'm going to need all those things.

Yeah, the credit card is maxed out.

- [knocking] - Huh?

Stanley Ipkiss?

Yes?

[all] Sign here.

Wait. How am I going to pay for all of this?

Impressive purchases.

You seem like a man constantly striving to realize his full potential.

Would you like to have more control over your life?

That's crossed my mind.

Then you're just the kind of man we want in our family.

The Putterware sales family that is.

You can fulfill all your lifelong dreams and desires.

Gee, I don't know.

I've never sold anything before.

I could train you personally.

And offer spiritual guidance.

I've never been very assertive.

Assertiveness is something you learn

on the journey to self-discovery.

And I just couldn't walk door to door all day.

We'll get you comfortable shoes.

I guess I don't have much choice.

[stammering] Listen...

Couldn't you go with me to the first couple of houses?

The journey to self-empowerment must be taken alone.

I'm pushing you out of the nest to teach you to fly.

There you go. Fly, fly.

Fulfill your destiny,

and remember! No CODs.

[stammering] Good evening, sir.

I'm here to offer you the assurance

of Putterware food protection.

Putterware?

How dare you try to sell me more of your junk?

It's ruined my life.

Putterware sealed all our food so tight,

we can't get it out.

We haven't had a bite to eat in three months.

[door slams]

Good heavens, you nice young man.

What on Earth are you selling?

Why, Putterware, of course.

Putterware? [scowls]

Of all the nerve.

I had a Putterware party back in 1952.

Sold it to all of my friends.

But the stuff was such junk, they cancelled their orders.

I got stuck with every last piece.

Now, you get your scrawny carcass out of here.

You rotten con artist!

[yelps]

I've never seen anyone like you.

Where's your backbone, man?

If you just exude confidence and success,

your customers will pick up that energy and return it.

I think the only thing they want to return is the Putterware.

No, that's your resistance. Not theirs.

Get rid of that negativity.

I know there's a real salesman inside you dying to get out.

Yeah, trust me, I've met him.

Maybe just this once I could...

Oh, who am I kidding?

Yeah? What do you want?

Oh, hello, sir. I was... [coughs]

I'm not leaving until you heard all I have to say about Putterware.

Why? Are you aware that Putterware is a dangerous conspiracy

that threatens our very way of life?

Sir, no, sir!

Then let me acquaint you with the concept.

[screams]

[whimpering]

[groans]

Stanley, I've been trying to call you all night.

Where have you been?

Putterware? Door to door?

Boy, are you a glutton for punishment.

[yawns] What do you mean?

I'm just surprised anyone opened their door for you.

Not with the rotting ooze creature running loose.

OK, I'll bite.

What's the rotting ooze creature, Peggy?

Well, no one's ever seen him clearly,

but he's described as looking like a giant...

slimy, rotting stalk of celery.

[laughing]

What will your tabloids stoop to next?

You cooked up some pretty fishy stuff on these,

but this one... really smells.

- [screams] - [gasps]

Stanley!

Help!

[gasps]

Whoa! Help!

[screaming] Help!

[yelling]

Enough with peddling this plastic.

I've got bigger fish to fry.

But first...

time to dish out some just desserts.

Evening, ma'am. Special agent, Skuzzy Molar.

Your country needs your help.

A giant radioactive meteor has hit near by.

We plan to break it up and store it in many airtight containers.

Tell me, would you happen to have any Putterware?

Would I?!

Here. Take it all.

Unfortunately, now that I've told you this,

you know far too much.

You have to enter the witness protection program.

And you'll have to be relocated.

[screaming]

Ma'am, you left your credit card.

She needs more Putterware, anyway.

She'll thank me for this later.

I got a report that you refused to requisition Putterware.

Is this affirmative, soldier?

Don't you know mold encroachment is the biggest threat to our country's borders?

I'm placing you under house arrest.

And lifetime K.P. duty.

Now, get the potatoes out of your ears,

and start peeling, soldier!

I want your John Hancock on this Putterware requisition form

before I transfer you to Kalamazoo!

Nice work, sonny... I mean, marine.

Ooh, that reminds me.

[groaning] Let me go!

[muttering]

On guard, you overgrown anchovies.

Food fight.

Hmm, not going well.

Looks like I'll just have to eat my losses.

[munching]

[moans] I'm going to blow chunks.

Mm, revolting.

Nice going.

Now we'll never know where those fish came from,

or whether they have any connection to the rotting ooze monster.

You can thank me later, Peg.

I don't know why, but I'm in the mood for sushi.

[groans]

Hmm.

- [snoring] - [knocking]

Huh?

Come on, open up! It's me, Harold!

We just got your new sales figures. They're phenomenal.

You've already outsold every other Putterware salesman in history combined.

[muttering] Putterware history... I did?

Oh, I did.

- What are you doing? - Don't worry.

You'll come back for the rest of your stuff.

Who's "they?" Where are we going?

Son, you're being inducted into the inner circle.

Only the cream of the sales crop are invited.

[chuckles] Your orientation begins at...

[man] The Putterware compound.

A monument to the accomplishment and genius

of our founder, Miss Celia Anne Airtight.

She personally requested a meeting with you, Stanley.

It's a great honor to be asked to serve her.

If I can lead the killer sardines to Putterware,

I'll be polishing a Pulitzer for sure.

What kind of weirdo would be this fixated

on a bunch of plastic bowls?

Celia N. Airtight. Delighted.

You're quite a salesman, my son.

Well, you know, I do what I can.

I have a few questions about this...

Of course, of course.

You burn with curiosity about how this family was born.

I was once the top research scientist for that cellophane colossus...

Wrapmaster corporation.

But the short-sighted fools said my experiments

in food preservation were too radical.

Too unorthodox.

They booted me out... for knowing too much.

I vowed to create my own food preservation empire.

But success isn't enough.

I don't want to just outsell Wrapmaster.

I want to destroy them.

Come. Let me show you how.

- [beeping] - [gasps]

Well, the genius in this plan was in its simplicity.

An innocent leftover sandwich...

found in hundreds of homes.

But by reversing the freshness process,

we make it spoil at amazing rates...

until it reformulates...

into a completely new life form.

- [gasps] - [whirrs]

It's alive!

Alive!

[snarling]

I've turned the tables and created leftovers

that eat people.

[cackles]

Oh, man. I've got to get to the Mask somehow.

Excuse me.

I'd really like to capture this moment on film.

Just let me run home and get my camera.

But didn't Harold explain to you?

When you joined my inner circle,

you agreed to renounce all your worldly possessions.

Thanks to you and the rest of my sales force,

Putterware is now in every corner of the city.

Now I can spawn an entire legion of leftovers,

guide them to the Wrapmaster corporation,

and reduce it to rubble.

[clattering]

Don't mind me.

Let's go, Peggy.

[snaps]

Well, Stanley, why don't you introduce me

to your little friend?

[chuckles] What a pity.

I thought you were going to be enlightened.

Now that you know my secrets,

thou must be destroyed.

I'd offer you a last meal,

but you're already going to be one.

[snarling]

[snarling]

[screams]

[clucks]

[snarling]

[both gasp]

- [screaming] - [snarling]

Follow me, my hideous darlings.

Follow me to your destiny.

[snarling]

- Stanley! The vent. - Right.

[shrieks]

OK, come on, Peg. Atta girl.

[Peggy] Hey, Stanley? Isn't that your stuff?

[whimpers]

[barks]

- Milo! - [panting]

I can't believe we got to catalogue all this junk.

[grunts]

Milo, get me the Mask, boy.

- Come on. - [barks]

[pants]

Not that, Milo. Mask.

Put down the flask. Bring me the Mask.

[snarling]

I think we need to speed this along.

[snarling]

Good boy, Milo.

I'm not saying it was cramped in there,

but I just gave myself a complete physical.

I'd like to propose a toast.

Smokin'.

[screaming]

[snarling]

Hey, they're making pretty good time.

I call that "fast food."

Kids, finish your vegetables before they finish you.

[shrieks]

One Samurai stir-fry coming up.

No, no!

Ho, ho, ho.

You must be the ghost of Christmas pasta.

[sings]

[moaning]

Now that's using the old noodle.

[clucks]

Yee-haw! It's a bucking clucker.

Try saying that five times fast

without getting your face slapped.

Now, this is what I call fly fishing.

[screaming]

[siren wailing]

I can see the headline...

"Mask spoils leftovers' dinner."

Well, my work here is done.

Coco bungo, here I come.

But first...

Come on. Where is it? I know it's in here somewhere.

Aha!

Couldn't leave you behind, now, could I?

There. Just like I left it.

[barking]

Sorry, my canine American compadre.

And now it's party time!

Like I'm really gonna let him have all the fun.

Somebody stop us!