Original subtitles

[yelling]

♪ I got ya with my winning smile ♪

♪ I'm a living lesson in flair and style ♪

♪ You just can't help but stare at my savoir-faire ♪

♪ I'm Nouveau, Deco, Roman-Greco ♪

♪ Rococo, Barroco ♪

♪ Be-bop, hip-hop, flip-flop ♪

Somebody stop me!

♪ Pretty viridian faces like mine ♪

Don't come a dime a dozen, I stand out of the crowd!

♪ Babe when they made me Yeah they broke the mold! ♪

Wholesome and kind, staid and refined, totally out of my mind!

♪ Arch-villains and ne'er-do-wells ♪

♪ Had better learn to decorate prison cells ♪

Green goes with anything if they ask, see?

♪ Well there's one last thing I gotta sing about ♪

Open up wide and really shout!

Whoa, look out!

♪ This is the Mask! ♪♪

Smokin'!

Nobody move, or I blow this place sky-high!

[screaming]

Mama mia! That's a spicy meatball!

[belches]

Another case of heartburn from my least favorite cook.

Issue one: the chef. Why is he disgruntled?

And was he ever truly gruntled in the first place?

My brother, Giuseppe, he stole all of my recipes and fire me!

So now I am gonna fire him!

Wrong! Next issue: what are your demands?

Love ya, babe, always let your agent handle the negotiations.

You want a million dollars? A helicopter?

And a year's supply of Scalp So Bright!

America's favorite head polish!

[sirens wailing]

Did you hear that? They're sending in a SWAT team!

[guns cocking]

♪ Da-da-da-da! Da-da-da-da! ♪♪

All right, Luigi! Hands over your head!

I'll find ya. Quick, this way!

Quick, hide in here.

Now where's that light switch?

Don't worry, Luigi.

Soon you'll be rollin' in dough.

♪ La-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la-la ♪♪

Help! Help me, please!

You gotta save me from the little green man!

[sniffs] And now back to the lovely Kelly.

This is the bill for ruining my dress,

and if that jerk Stanley Ipkiss ever shows up,

tell him to lose my number!

[screams]

[sniffles]

[chattering]

All right, so my date with Kelly was a total disaster.

Fine, but I still don't understand

how bringing Milo here is gonna to help?

Watch and learn.

With a little Charlie magic,

that dog is about to become the ultimate babe magnet!

[growling]

[whining]

Three, two, one...

[panting]

- How cute! - Aren't they, like, adorable?

What's its little name?

Good evening, ladies.

I'm Charlie Schumaker, billionaire playboy.

Um, Charlie? Charlie!

Oh.

[woman] Fired? Me?

But I am Madam Suspiria,

mistress of mystery.

You and that phony gypsy act are washed up, passe, old hat.

When this gig's over, so are you.

You're gonna regret this, Admiral.

What happened?

Our family once held the greatest magic

in all of Carpathia. Huh, but now...

Oh, Grandma, what happened to the source of the old magic?

[Stanley] Hello? Is this where I get my fortune told?

Oy.

Madam Suspiria knows all, Mister...

Ipkiss.

Obey my will, celestial sphere,

and make the future crystal clear.

Oh, I see trouble in your future.

Wow!

[gasping] I see you surrounded by great wealth.

I do work in a bank.

I see... Huh?

Oh, such power!

Is something wrong?

[Charlie] There you are!

Your dog was stealing all my action, Stanley.

[panting]

Hey, here you go, Stan.

A love potion.

Pay for it and let's get going.

Be careful!

One drop and any member of the opposite sex who sees your face

will fall hopelessly, madly in love with you!

Mask? Mask? Mask? Ah!

Is it possible?

Can that guy really possess the secrets to our family's old magic?

When I get it back and combine its power with this...

those ancient powers will finally be ours again!

Hey, Stan, wanna try an experiment?

[applause]

[growls]

[yipping]

Whoa! Whoa!

[yipping]

Hey, Stan, you mind if I... Sorry, Charlie,

I'm confiscating this potion on behalf of women everywhere.

Milo!

[yipping]

Celestial sphere, perform this task,

reveal to me the ancient mask.

[laughs] It works!

The mask's power must be great indeed!

The most powerful artifact in the world,

and this idiot keeps it with his laundry.

Mm, but not for long. [laughs]

A love potion that actually works?

Heh, I wonder what's in it.

[sniffing]

Eww!

[pounding, yipping]

Ipkiss! What are all these dogs doing out here?

[yipping]

[grunts]

[yells]

Ipkiss, what is this?

What are you looking at?

What is this vision I see before me?

Mrs. Peenman, your beauty shines as bright as the sun.

Very funny, Ipkiss.

Keep it up, and I'll give you a fat lip!

Ah!

Put a lid on it!

And get those dogs out of my building! Pronto!

She is the shrill heartbeat of my dreams.

And I know she'll love me, too.

I got all the magic I need right here.

[yipping]

Ow! Ow! Ow!

[knock on door]

Chocolates, I'll take.

At last!

My family's name's going to be restored.

And then I'll get even with Admiral Wombat,

and all the others who called me passe.

So, my power's washed up, is it?

Forces beyond all imagination will soon be mine!

[barking, yipping]

[pants]

No! Bring that back!

[knocking]

Ah!

The throbbing in my foot pales before the throbbing of my heart.

[French accent] Oh, my little mise-en-scene.

The creme in my latte.

The fruit of my loom!

[bell rings]

My salisbury steak's done.

I'd invite you to stay for dinner, but frankly,

you disgust me.

I will count les moments until your return.

Milo, what are you doing here?

Hey! No! Oh, no, no! Not now!

[yelling]

Smokin'!

No, not while I was so close.

Hup! Hup! Hey! Hup!

Ahooga!

[howls]

[wolf whistles]

[cries] No!

What wind through yonder window breaks!

[cries] No!

Peenman O Peenman! Wherefore art thou going, Peenman?

[screaming]

But I'm carrying such a torch for you!

[pants]

[screaming]

Light my fire!

Go ahead, make my date.

I shall treat you like a queen.

[crying] Hello, 911?

I wanna report a maniac on the loose!

I'm filling your hide with rock salt.

Now, now, you know the effect of salt on high blood pressure.

[Mrs. Peenman] No!

[crying] No!

[Tarzan yell]

Huh? This wouldn't be the place

we got all those calls about? Huh, lieutenant?

[grunts]

If love is a crime, then find me guilty!

Arrest that lunatic!

Anything you say, light of my life.

Backs up, I tells ya! I seen her first!

Oh, yeah?

[both grunting]

- [bell rings] - Where'd she go?

Peenman! Peenman!

Mrs. Peenman!

[snoring]

[grumbles] What?

Yes, of course I'll still respect you, Mrs. Pee...

[yells]

Oh, man! Talk about the mother of all nightmares!

[chuckles] I dreamed I was, like, madly in love

with, of all people, Mrs. P... P...

[screams]

[sputters, gurgles]

[pants]

[whines]

Thanks, Milo.

[sighs] At last, I've found the love of my life.

What am I saying?

Only one person can help me now.

Yes, that's it. That's it.

Play right into my hands.

Is anybody home?

Ah, young Mr. Ipkiss.

And why have the fates brought you once again to Madam Suspiria?

I need something that'll undo this.

It made me fall in love with the completely wrong person!

Fear not, my young friend.

The potion will wear off, unless...

You didn't use some other magical device at the same time,

did you?

[gulps] Um, s-supposing I did.

Then the love potion's effects

would be permanent.

No!

Oh, please. Please, you gotta help me!

Please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please!

Very well, Mr. Ipkiss.

But I will need the magical object you used.

Well, I did bring it along.

You know, just in case.

Now, quickly, give me the mask!

Boy, you're good. How'd you know it was a mask?

Time grows short.

Do you want the spell lifted or not?

Yes. [Laughs]

Yes! Yes!

[speaking foreign language]

So that's it? My troubles are over?

Your troubles, perhaps.

But Admiral Wombat's troubles are only beginning.

And now... revenge!

[screaming]

[carnival music playing]

[screaming]

[growling]

I hope this still works.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Ow!

Oh, man!

I'm stirred and shaken!

And where's that draft coming from?

[Scottish accent] 'Tisn't exactly what I had in mind.

Huh? I cannot change!

[screaming]

[Madam Suspiria] Where is he?

Where is the fool who calls himself Admiral Wombat?

I ain't no fool, I'm outta here.

Now see here, little miss fancy pants.

Begone, little man.

[screams]

Hey, I'm getting stronger!

I can change!

Maybe not a useful change, but you take what you get, right?

Now, if I can just keep Miss Congeniality

throwing magic back my way... [laughs]

Oh, Madam Diphtheria!

You couldn't hit the broad side of a mask!

Time for you to get your just deserts.

[laughing]

Oh, no cherry on top?

♪ To dance calypso is my favorite bag ♪

♪ And you ain't nothing but a wrinkled hag ♪♪

You dare to mock me?

Then suffer my wrath!

[roaring]

Whoa! Total bummer!

Now that was like totally groovy!

You! You're to blame for this!

Hey, that wasn't me, man.

It was that wigged-out flea-market looking lady!

Not that! This!

You've got a lot to answer for, my green-faced friend.

[roaring]

Ha! Sayonara, lieutenant-san.

Enough of this foolishness!

Where is Admiral Wombat?

He must pay for his insolence!

Oh! [Tsking]

My magic is washed up, is it? Passe? Old hat?

[growling]

You know, four out of five dentists surveyed

recommend wearing a retainer for straighter, brighter teeth.

[yodels]

What a lovely fashion statement!

May I?

[grunts]

Now to jumpstart the face!

Smokin'!

You can't stop Madam Suspiria, you... [yelling]

I can't bear to watch!

This just isn't my day.

Stupid love potion!

Get out of here. No, no, no!

[cheering]

[Stanley] Out of sight, out of mind.

And those guys are definitely out of their minds.

Well, that should keep the old crone busy for a while.

Every man at Edge City wants to sample her goulash.

Every man, hmm.

Leaving every single woman dateless on Saturday night.

This looks like a job for... me.

[screaming]

Somebody stop me!