Original subtitles

♪ I GOTCHA WITH MY WINNING SMILE ♪

♪ I'M A LIVING LESSON IN FLAIR AND STYLE ♪

♪ YOU JUST CAN'T HELP BUT STARE AT MY SAVOIR FAIRE ♪

♪ I'M NOUVEAU, DECO, ROMAN-GRECO, ROCOCO, BARROCO ♪

♪ BE-BOP, HIP-HOP, FLIP FLOP ♪

SOMEBODY STOP ME!

♪ PRETTY VIRIDIAN FACES LIKE MINE ♪

DON'T COME A DIME A DOZEN,

I STAND OUT OF THE CROWD.

♪ BABE, WHEN THEY MADE ME, YEAH, THEY BROKE THE MOLD ♪

WHOLESOME AND KIND, STAID AND REFINED,

TOTALLY OUT OF MY MIND.

♪ ARCH VILLAINS AND NE'ER DO WELLS ♪

♪ HAD BETTER LEARN TO DECORATE PRISON CELLS ♪

GREEN GOES WITH ANYTHING IF THEY ASK. SEE?

♪ WELL, THERE'S ONE LAST THING I GOTTA SING ABOUT ♪

OPEN UP WIDE AND REALLY SHOUT.

OH! LOOK OUT!

♪ THIS IS THE MASK ♪♪

SMOKIN'!

♪

AND NOW, FLATFOOT PATROL

IN EDGE CITY, IN COLOR.

BROUGHT TO YOU BUY CORNITO CHIPS.

THEY'RE CRUNCHALICIOUS!

♪

TIME FOR NUCLEAR BURRITO!

AH-AH!

JUST LIKE MAMA'S MICROWAVE USED TO MAKE.

POLICE! DROP YOUR WEAPONS!

NOW!

YOU TOO. I KNEW YOU WERE INVOLVED IN

THIS, MASK!

SOMETIMES YOU REALLY LEAVE ME FLAT.

NOW, DROP YOUR WEAPONS!

WELL, IF YOU INSIST.

WHOA! OW!

♪

AH, THEY'RE GETTIN' AWAY, LIEUTENANT.

OH, LIEUTENANT, SIR, IN MY HASTE, I DID NEGLECT

TO HAND OVER ONE LAST WEAPON.

MY AK-47 SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEDGIE!

HUH?

♪

ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE FILMED ENOUGH.

LIEUTENANT CALLOWAY, LOOKIN' GOOD!

♪

WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON THAT GREEN-FACED FREAK,

I'M GONNA RIP HIS LIPS OFF!

IF SHOW AND TELL IS OVER,

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOUR NEW SUPERVISOR,

LAWRENCE LORENZO.

NOW, LISTEN UP, PEOPLE.

I'M HERE TO SEE THAT THIS DEPARTMENT STOPS MAKING

MONKEYS OUT OF OURSELVES ON NATIONAL TELEVISION

AND STARTS CATCHING NOTORIOUS CRIMINALS LIKE THE HOOD.

HE'S WANTED FOR LOAN SHARKING, SMUGGLING,

JEWEL HEISTS, YOU NAME IT.

MY GOAL IS TO CATCH HIM IN THE ACT, BOOK HIM,

AND THROW AWAY THE KEY.

AND I'VE SELECTED JUST THE MAN TO HEAD THIS INVESTIGATION.

LIEUTENANT CALLOWAY.

HIM?

OH, IS HE JOKING?

CALLOWAY'S SO WRAPPED WITH THIS MASK BUSINESS

HE CAN'T EVEN THINK STRAIGHT.

I CAN FORGET ABOUT THE MASK. I'll PUT HIM.

RIGHT OUT OF MY MIND.

CAN YOU REALLY DO THAT, LIEUTENANT?

YOU KNOW, FORGET ALL ABOUT THE MASK AND ALL?

OF COURSE I CAN. AND I WILL.

YOU WILL? WHAT?

MOM? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M VISITING MY ONLY SON.

DESPITE THE FACT HE NEVER WRITES, HE NEVER CALLS.

OOH! OH, I MISSED THE SMELL OF A

POLICE STATION, COFFEE BREWING, CRIMES BEING SOLVED!

NOT THAT YOU EVER CATCH ANYBODY.

NOT LIKE YOUR FATHER. NOW THERE WAS A POLICE OFFICER!

BUT MA, I'M HEADING AN INVESTIGATION AGAINST THE HOOD.

HOW WONDERFUL! I'M GOING TO GET A CHANCE TO

JOIN MY SON IN ACTION.

JOIN?

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. WE'LL GET TO SPEND SOME QUALITY

TIME TOGE...

I CAN'T TAKE MY MOTHER ON A STAKEOUT.

UH, IT'S AGAINST REGULATIONS.

I'M AFRAID YOUR SON IS RIGHT, MRS. CALLOWAY.

HOWEVER, SINCE YOU'RE SUCH A CONNOISSEUR

OF POLICE PROCEDURES,

IT MIGHT NOT HURT TO HAVE YOU THERE

IN AN UNOFFICIAL CAPACITY.

D'OH!

I HOPE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOIN'.

OH, DON'T WORRY, MR. MAYOR. I DO.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, MILO, OLD BUDDY?

ARE YOU UP FOR A NICE, QUIET EVENING?

AND NOW, A SPECIAL ENCORE PRESENTATION OF FLATFOOT PATROL,

IN EDGE CITY, IN COLOR.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

IPKISS, LISTEN UP, AND LISTEN GOOD.

I'M ON AN IMPORTANT CASE, AND I DON'T WANT ANY GREEN-FACED

TROUBLEMAKER GUMMIN' UP THE WORKS!

I, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, LIEUTENANT.

JUST STAY CLEAR OF THE GREASY, RUSTY, DISGUSTING SPOON DINER.

GOT ME, JACKSON?

DOYLE, I'VE SPOTTED THE HOOD. CAN YOU HEAR ME?

LOUD AND CLEAR THERE, LIEUTENANT.

THERE HE IS, MA. NOW JUST TRY TO BLEND IN.

WHAT? YOU'RE SAYING I DON'T LOOK NATURAL?

WELL, NO, MA. I JUST...

FIX YOUR COLLAR, SON. AND STRAIGHTEN YOUR BEARD.

YOU CALL THIS AN UNDERCOVER DISGUISE?

NOW, YOUR UNCLE MANNY... SHH! SHH! SHH!

THERE WAS A COPY WHO KNEW HIS WAY AROUND A PHONY BEARD.

YE-DA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA.

♪

OW! OH, I GOT SHAMPOO IN MY EYES.

TOWEL, TOWEL. WHERE'D THAT TOWEL GO?

OH, THANKS MILO.

GUESS WHO-LA'S COMING TO DINER.

♪

SO HONEY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE THIS

EVENING'S SPECIALS?

ALASKAN SNOW CRABS.

OW! OW! OW! OW!

AND MY PERSONAL RECOMMENDATION: TROPICAL FRUIT SALAD.

♪

BA-DUP-DUP-DUP-DUP-DUP HEY!

A CHA-CHA-CHA-CHA-OOH!

BA-DUP-DUP-DUP-DUP-DUP EEH!

UGH!

WHY, LIEUTENANT CALLOWAY.

ARE YOU UNDERCOVER OR SOMETHING?

OOH, YOU CAN TELL ME. I CAN KEEP A SECRET.

REALLY, I CAN.

WHOO!

TO PROTECT YOUR ANONYMITY, I'M GIVING YOU EACH CODE NAMES.

YOU'RE MR. RED. YOU'RE MR. BLUE.

YOU'RE MR. BROWN. AND YOU'RE...

OOH! OOH! LET ME BE MR. SALMON, YELLOW,

PLEASE, MR. FUCHSIA, PLEASE.

I WANNA BE MR. SALMON, YELLOW, PLEASE, MR. FUCHSIA.

DADDY! THAT MEAN OLD MAN WON'T LET ME

JOIN HIS GANG OF RUTHLESS CRIMINALS!

YOU'RE GONNA GET IT NOW, MR. BECAUSE MY DAD IS

AN UNDERCOVER POLICE OFFICER!

WHY YOU LITTLE!

♪

HOW COULD YOU BLOW OUR COVER LIKE THAT?

BUT MA! IT WASN'T MY FAULT.

SORRY, LIEUTENANT. THESE ARE THE ONLY ONES LEFT.

I'VE BEEN REFINING THIS HEIST FOR WEEKS.

IT'S FOOLPROOF.

BUT FIRST, WE MUST LEARN ANCIENT ART

OF ORIGAMI.

GIRAFFE-I-SON.

♪

MOOSE-SON.

AND NOW, THE PIECE DE RESISTANCE.

UNICORN-SON!

♪

THESE AREN'T MY PLANS.

THAT TEARS IT! I'M RIPPIN' YOUR HEAD OFF,

YOU GUACAMOLE-FACED WEASEL!

IS THIS YOUR IDEA OF WORKING UNDERCOVER?

DIDN'T I TEACH YOU ANYTHING?

OW! OW! OW! UH, BUT MA, HE STARTED IT!

IF WE CAN PROCEED WITH NO FURTHER INTERRUPTIONS,

I'll TELL YOU THIS ABOUT MY PLAN.

IT WILL SPELL THE END OF EDGE CITY AS WE KNOW IT,

AND HERALD A NEW AREA OF CRIME.

♪

OH, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO NOW?

♪

WAIT A MINUTE. THESE ARE THE HOOD'S PLANS FOR A HEIST

AT THE COCO BONGO TONIGHT!

♪

LIEUTENANT CALLOWAY! OH, BOY.

AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR EYE?

HEY, YEAH. LISTEN, YOU KNOW THAT HOOD GUY?

HE'S PULLING A HEIST AT THE...

TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR.

HE'S PULLING A HEIST AT THE COCO BONGO CLUB!

HOW I WONDER WHAT YOU ARE.

AND I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING YOU SAID,

ABOUT THE COCO BONGO CLUB. NOW GET LOST!

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? EVERYBODY'S LOOKING AT YOU!

MA? WAIT! MA?

OH, GREAT. NOW WHAT DO I DO?

♪

MR. AND MRS. VANDERBILT,

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET THE NEW POLICE CHIEF,

MR. LAWRENCE LORENZO.

WE'RE TAKING A TOUGH STANCE ON CRIME.

BOY, IT SURE WAS NICE OF THE MAYOR TO INVITE US HERE,

HUH, LIEUTENANT?

I LOVE THESE PIG TAILS.

GIVE ME THAT. HE DIDN'T INVITE US, DOYLE.

IT WAS MY IDEA.

I GOT AN ANONYMOUS TIP.

♪

HEY, PAL. WHERE'S YOUR INVITATION?

MY INVI... OH, OH. YEAH. UH, WELL, IT'S RIGHT HERE.

UH, SOMEPLACE.

THEN GO SOMEPLACE ELSE.

♪

OH!

AND STAY OUT.

SO HOW ARE THINGS FOR THE POLICE DEPARTMENT'S UNOFFICIAL

OBSERVER?

OH! I JUST LOVE A MAN WHO APPRECIATES THE IMPORTANCE OF

DISCIPLINE.

CARE TO DISCUSS IT OVER A WALTZ?

WELL, ACTUALLY, I DO HAVE A PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT.

♪

EVERYTHING'S QUIET LIEUTENANT.

YEAH, WAY TOO QUIET.

NEED PIZAZZ FOR YOUR PARTY? SPARKLE FOR YOUR SHINDIG?

SAVOIR FAIRE FOR YOUR CHIC SOIREE?

HA-HA. WELL, LOOK NO FURTHER.

♪

YOWZA! OH, BABY, THEY'RE PLAYING MY SONG!

♪

WHOO! SOMEBODY STOP ME!

♪

DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING?

WELL, YEAH, LIEUTENANT.

ALL THAT STUFF ABOUT PIZAZZ AND CHIC SOIREES

AND SHIN SPLINTS AND STU...

I DIDN'T, AND NEITHER DID YOU.

OH! I GET IT. JUST IGNORE HIM,

AND HE'LL GO AWAY. IS THAT IT?

SAY, WHAT'S WITH YOUR EYE?

WELL, I KNOW WHERE I'M NOT WANTED.

I'M LEAVING, VAMOOSING, TAKING A HIKE. I'M...

♪

IS THIS IS THE FACE THAT SUNK A THOUSAND SHIPS?

MIND IF I CUT IN?

♪

WHAT'S THAT FREAK DOIN' WITH MY MOTHER?

THE HUSTLE?

SO YOU'RE CALLOWAY'S MOM, EH? REALLY?

WELL, YOU MUST BE VERY PROUD.

SO, WHAT'S HIS FIRST NAME, ANYWAY?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. LET ME GUESS.

COSMO? HUBERT?

RUMPELSTILTSKIN?

LET GO OF HER, YOU!

AH!

OH, WHO WAS THAT MASKED MAN?

GAH!

EVERYBODY BE COOL. THIS IS A ROBBERY.

- POLICE! - HEADS UP!

- DROP YOUR WEAPONS! - THERE'S NO ESCAPE.

GUESS AGAIN, MY FLAT-FOOTED FRIENDS.

DON'T MAKE ANY DEALS, OFFICER.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE MAKE A DEAL.

MAKE A DEAL. MAKE A DEAL.

AYE, CARUMBA! IT'S A MEXICAN STANDOFF.

LA CUCARACHA. LA CUCARACHA.

LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.

I'll STOMP YOU LIKE A COCKAROACHA,

YOU SPLIT-PEA SOUP-FACED LITTLE... ♪

AND I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK YOU DIDN'T CARE, LIEUTENANT.

♪

AH!

YOINKS!

♪

I COULDN'T HAVE ASKED FOR A BETTER DISTRACTION IF I'D

PLANNED IT MYSELF.

HEY, BOSS. I GOT US A SECOND HOSTAGE.

YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS, YOU TWO-BIT LITTLE THUGS!

MY SON'S A COP! UMPH!

OF ALL THE PEOPLE IN THERE, YOU HAD TO PICK HER?

♪

YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA GET AWAY WITH KIDNAPPING THE MAYOR?

MY DEAR, DEAR, LADY. BY RANSOMING HIM, WE'RE GOING TO

MAKE A FORTUNE.

AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA LET US GO, RIGHT?

NO. THEN WE GET RID OF HIS HONOR.

AND THE TOWN WILL BE OURS.

YOU'RE GONNA BE REALLY SORRY. THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT'S

LOOKIN' FOR US!

YOU'RE IN FOR IT NOW, BUSTER!

FOR PITY'S SAKE, MAN. LET HER GO.

SHE'S GIVIN' ME A MIGRAINE!

PUT ME DOWN! YOU CAN'T DO THIS!

MY SON'S A POLICE LIEUTENANT! ALL RIGHT,

HE'S NOT A VERY GOOD ONE.

BUT YOU'RE STILL GONNA BE VERY SORRY.

YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH THIS, HOOD.

MY NEW POLICE CHIEF WILL TRACK YOU DOWN AND PUT YOU AWAY.

IS THAT A FACT, MR. MAYOR?

LORENZO?

WHEN YOU'RE GONE, EDGE CITY WILL BE MINE.

AW, AIN'T THIS THE CAT'S MEOW?

THE COCO BONGO IS CLOSED FOR THE NIGHT.

I GOTTA DO SOMETHING. I'M GETTING BORED

OUTTA MY SKULL.

♪

NO SIGN OF THE CROOKS SO FAR.

♪

CORNITO CHIPS! WHY THEY'RE CRUNCHALICIOUS!

♪

MAYBE THEY'RE GIVING AWAY FREE SAMPLES.

RELAX, MR. MAYOR. YOU AND THE OLD LADY AIN'T

CHECKIN' OUT... YET.

HMM?

♪

NOT 'TIL THE HOOD GETS BACK WITH YOUR RANSOM MONEY.

♪

CALLOWAY HERE.

TELEGRAM FOR LIEUTENANT CALLOWAY.

I KNOW WHERE YOUR MOM'S BEING HELD.

GAH!

LORENZO. YES, I HAVE THE RANSOM MONEY

RIGHT HERE.

OKAY, LIEUTENANT.

THEY WANT YOU TO GO DOWN TO THE WHARF

AND WAIT FOR INSTRUCTIONS.

MEANWHILE, I'll TAKE OFF WITH MY RANSOM MONEY.

♪

NO SIGN OF THE HOOD. NO WORD FROM LORENZO.

WHAT GIVES? HUH?

♪

AVAST, CALLOWAY. WHY WON'T YE LISTEN.

I KNOW THE SCURVY DOG'S TRUE WHEREABOUTS.

TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR.

HOW I WONDER WHAT YOU ARE.

ARR!

YOU MIGHT WANT TO HAVE SOMEONE CHECK OUT THAT EYE!

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

HA-HA! THAT'S THE SPIRIT, MATEY.

DONNER, BLITZEN, MIRRO, SPARTACUS, AWAY!

♪

HEY, LIEUTENANT! WAIT UP!

♪

LOOKS LIKE THE CHIPS ARE DOWN, MR. MAYOR.

♪

AND YOUR CHIPS ARE ABOUT TO BE DOWN FOR ALL ETERNITY.

♪

BUT I'M THE MAYOR!

♪

C-C-C-CORN!

♪

THERE YOU ARE!

I'M GONNA RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND...

CORN, LIEUTENANT? HAH!

OOH!

♪

NOT THAT WAY. WE'RE SURROUNDED.

POLICE! DROP YOUR WEAPONS!

- THERE'S NO ESCAPE. - HANDS UP!

OOH, YOU'RE IN FOR IT NOW.

TAKE CARE OF THEM.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT. USE ME FOR A SHIELD.

WHAT AM I? A SCHMUCKA?

YAAAH!

UGH. LORENZO.

SO, MR. BIG MOUTH LAW AND ORDER'S NOTHIN'

BUT A TWO-BIT CROOK!

♪

HUH?

YOU'LL BE SAFE IN HERE. HURRY!

♪

AND ANOTHER THING!

MRS. CALLOWAY. YOU BAGGED THE HOOD

AND HIS GANG!

♪

WHERE IS HE? WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON THAT

GREEN-FACED LITTLE...

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

AS MUCH AS I HATE TO ADMIT IT, THE MASK SAVED OUR LIVES.

NO! DON'T SAY THAT!

IT CAN'T BE TRUE!

NO!

HAS HE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS?

YES, AND I CAN'T FOR THE LIFE OF ME IMAGINE WHY.

♪

MRS. CALLOWAY, I HAVE ONLY ONE THING

TO SAY TO YOU.

FOR HELPING US APPREHEND THE HOOD,

I HEREBY PRESENT YOU WITH THE EDGE CITY MEDAL OF VALOR.

AND I DESERVE IT.

♪

AND I HEREBY PRESENT YOU

WITH THE EDGE CITY WEDGIE OF VALOR!

♪

AH! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!

♪

TUNE IN TOMORROW FOR ANOTHER THRILL-PACKED EPISODE OF

FLATFOOT PATROL IN EDGE CITY.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY CORNITO CHIPS.

♪

THEY'RE CRUNCHALICIOUS! HA-HA-HA.

♪