Original subtitles

♪

♪ I GOTCHA WITH MY WINNING SMILE ♪

♪ I'M A LIVIN' LESSON IN FLAIR AND STYLE ♪

♪ JUST CAN'T HELP BUT STARE ♪

♪ AT MY SAVOIR-FAIRE ♪

♪ I'M NOUVEAU, DECO, ROMAN-GRECO, ROCOCO, BARROCO, ♪

♪ BE-BOP, HIP-HOP, FLIP-FLOP, SOMEBODY STOP ME ♪

♪ PRETTY VIRIDIAN FACES LIKE MINE ♪

♪ DON'T COME A DIME A DOZEN ♪

♪ I STAND OUT OF THE CROWD ♪

♪ BABE, WHEN THEY MADE ME, ♪

♪ YEAH, THEY BROKE THE MOLD ♪

♪ WHOLESOME AND KIND, STAID AND REFINED, ♪

♪ TOTALLY OUT OF MY MIND ♪

♪ ARCH-VILLAINS AND NE'ER-DO-WELLS ♪

♪ HAD BETTER LEARN TO DECORATE PRISON CELLS ♪

♪ GREEN GOES WITH ANYTHING IF THEY ASK, SEE ♪

♪ WELL, THERE'S ONE LAST THING I GOT TO SING ABOUT ♪

♪ OPEN UP WIDE AND REALLY SHOUT ♪

♪ WHOA, LOOK OUT ♪

♪ THIS IS THE MASK ♪♪

SMOKIN'

♪

IT'S TIME FOR A LITTLE MUNCHITO.

IT'S TIME FOR A LITTLE MONTEZUMA'S REVENGE!

OLE, BURRITO BURGLING BANDITS!

NONE SHALL PILFER GUACAMOLE FROM SUPER MASK.

AND THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR NACHO BURRITO,

DEEP FRIED ICE CREAM CUT, CUT!

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT TOOK US

TO SET UP THAT SHOT?

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?

UM, SMILE, YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA?

HE DIDN'T MEAN ANY HARM, HONEST!

YOU KNOW THIS PERSON?

HE'S A LOCAL ECCENTRIC, HARMLESS, REALLY.

HARMLESS, HIM?

HE'S A MENACE!

SHH, IX-NAY ON THE ENACE-MAY.

THE CITY NEEDS THEIR PRODUCTION MONEY AND THE GOOD PRESS.

BABY BEAR, THIS IS PAPA BEAR.

TELL THE BIG BOYS IN THE MAIN OFFICE

THAT EDGE CITY IS DEFINITELY OUT.

NO, NO, NO, LET'S NOT BE HASTY NOW!

I'M SORRY, BUT MR. EASTENEGGER WILL NEVER

TOLERATE THESE INTERRUPTIONS.

SLY EASTENEGGER, MEDIA SUPERSTAR?

ACTION HERO EXTRAORDINAIRE?

NUMBER ONE BOX OFFICE ATTRACTION IN THE WORLD?

HERE?

CAN I HAVE HIS AUTOGRAPH, PLEASE?

CAN I, CAN I, HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH?

STRIKE THE SET, WE'RE GONE.

THE MASK WON'T BE A PROBLEM.

YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW HE'S HERE.

I PROMISE, AND NOT A CAMPAIGN PROMISE.

A REAL PROMISE, PLEASE, DO WE HAVE A DEAL?

♪

AVAST, YE MATEY!

THERE BE A GREAT WHITE WHALE!

SHIVER ME TIMBERS, BLOW THE MAN DOWN!

CUT, NOT AGAIN!

GET HIM OUT OF HERE!

DO I HAVE STAR POTENTIAL OR WHAT?

SPECIAL EFFECTS!

WELL, THERE GOES MY CHANCE TO RAKE IN THE DOUGH.

PSYCH, DO I GET THE PART?

GET THIS THROUGH YOUR LOONY GREEN HEAD.

SLY EASTENEGGER IS THE REAL DIRECTOR.

HE'S THE ONLY ONE DOING THE CASTING!

I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE,

NO ONE BY THE NAME OF SLY.

THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S NOT HERE YET!

YOU'RE INSANE, YOU'RE OBNOXIOUS, YOU'RE GREEN,

AND YOU CAN'T EVEN ACT!

OH, WHEN MR. EASTENEGGER SEES MY TALENT AND GOOD LOOKS,

YOU KNOW HE JUST HAS TO PUT ME IN HIS PICTURE!

I AM SO GLAD THEY DIDN'T WANT TO PUT THE MASK IN THAT MOVIE.

'CAUSE THE BANK IS GIVING THAT BIG

ACCOUNTING TEST TOMORROW MORNING,

AND IF I PASS IT, I WILL BE IN LINE FOR A BIG PROMOTION!

SO I HAVE GOT TO STUDY, STUDY, STUDY.

GO TO BED EARLY AND GET A FULL NIGHT'S SLEEP.

GOOD NIGHT, MILO.

♪

WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE?

CUT!

WHO'S THE JERK STICKING HIS HEAD INTO THE SHOT?

HEY, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE SHOT!

OH, NOT HERE, NOT NOW!

HUH, YOU MIND, WE'RE MAKIN' A MOVIE HERE!

WOULD YOU MIND TERRIBLY SHOOTING, I DON'T KNOW,

SOMEWHERE ELSE?

SEE, I'VE GOT THIS BIG TEST TOMORROW, AND I...

SECURITY!

BOY, AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU!

THESE GUYS ARE MAKIN' AN AWFUL LOT OF RACKET,

AND I JUST GOT... LOSE HIM!

HEY!

MOVE ALONG, IPKISS.

THIS MOVIE'S GONNA BRING EDGE CITY A GOOD KINDA GREEN.

BUT I NEED SLEEP!

PLEASANT DREAMS, IPKISS.

OH, WELL, I CAN STILL GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP

AND PASS THE TEST.

GOOD NIGHT, BOY.

THAT'S IT, THIS TIME IT'S PERSONAL!

HEY, WHERE DO YOU HOLLYWOOD TYPES COME OFF

WALKIN' ALL OVER ME, HUH?

I TOLD YOU, I'll BE BACK.

WOW! SLY EASTENEGGER, ON MY STREET!

IT'S JESS LETHAL, THE EX-TERMINATOR!

WE'RE DOOMED!

HASTA LA VISTA, BABY!

EXCUSE ME, MR. EASTENE... YO, PUNK.

NOT EVEN A PIT FULL OF DOLLARS WILL SAVE YOU NOW.

KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WELL, PUNKYDOODLE.

DO YOU FEEL LUCKY?

CUT, CUT, STOP THE CAMERAS!

HEY, YO, I'M THE DIRECTOR!

ONLY I SAY CUT AND STOP THE CAMERAS AND YOU KNOW,

THINGS LIKE THAT.

LISTEN, I'M NOT AN ACTOR, AND I...

YEAH, THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?

YOU RUINED MY SCENE, YOU TAMPERED WITH US!

YOU STEPPED INTO MY LIGHT!

GO AWAY!

BUT THIS IS MY NEIGHBORHOOD!

NOT ANYMORE, SMART GUY!

MR. EASTENEGGER, THE SPECIAL PROP YOU ORDERED HAS ARRIVED.

OH REALLY, HOW POWERFUL IS IT?

IT'S GONNA MAKE YOUR DAY.

♪

PEGGY?

I CAN'T SEE A THING!

THERE HE IS, SLY, OH, SLY!

THANKS FOR THE LIFT, GUYS.

PEGGY, YOU GOTTA HELP ME!

YOO HOO, SLY! OVER HERE!

OH, THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

THAT EASTENEGGER GUY IS RUINING MY LIFE!

YOU TALKED TO HIM?

YOU THINK YOU COULD GET ME AN INTERVIEW, STANLEY?

HE'S HARD COPY.

HE'S... WHAT ABOUT ALL THE HEADLINES THE MASK GOTCHA?

OH, PLEASE, THAT WAS YESTERDAY!

I'M WORKING ON TOMORROW.

SEE YA THEN.

PEGGY, I...

OH, HOW AM I EVER GONNA GET ANY SLEEP?

KEEP OUT, RENTED TO MOVIE COMPANY?

MRS. PEENMAN, I NEED CLOTHES!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!

NO MORE MISTER NICE STANLEY.

OH, PLEASE, LET IT BE HERE.

OH, GREAT, WHAT DO I DO NOW?

MILO!

BUDDY, YOU JUST EARNED A SLAB OF PRIME RIB!

SCENE 68, TAKE TWO!

IT'S JESS LETHAL, THE EX-TERMINATOR!

WE'RE DOOMED!

HASTA LA VISTA, BABY!

LET'S GET 'EM, PARTNER!

OH, PLEASE, THAT'LL NEVER WORK AGAINST TOERATE.

GET OFF MY SET!

I'M AN ACTION STAR, RIGHT?

NOT A KINDERGARTEN COP!

♪

GET AWAY FROM HER, YOU WITCH!

HEY, BE CAREFUL, DON'T DROP THAT!

NOW WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT?

ALL RIGHT, PUT THE PROP SOMEPLACE SAFE,

YOU GOT IT?

I'll DEAL WITH THIS STRING BEAN NINCOMPOOP.

BEFORE HE GETS IN OUR WAY!

I THINK THE PLOT JUST BEGAN TO THICKEN!

YOU WANNA BE AN ACTION HERO, HUH?

YOU GOTTA BE TOUGH, YOU GOTTA BE STRONG!

HEY, YOU GOTTA NOT SHAVE.

THAT'S IT, MASK, YOU'RE MINE!

OKAY, YOU GREEN SLIME BALL,

THERE'S A CELL WAITIN' WITH YOUR NAME ON IT!

HEY, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOIN'?

THERE'S NO QUESTION, I SEE STAR POTENTIAL HERE.

OH, YOU'RE TOO KIND, REALLY.

YOU'LL BE TERRIFIC, THAT MANLY JAW, THOSE STEELY EYES,

THAT DEVIL-MAY-CARE SMILE.

WHY, THANK YOU.

YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH, YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH?

I'll SHOW YOU TOUGH!

THIS TOWN AIN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US, PILGRIM.

YOU DON'T HAVE THE GUTS TO GO ONE-ON-ONE WITH ME!

AU CONTRAIRE, STEROID BREATH!

I CHALLENGE YOU TO A CONTEST.

SHALL WE SAY, WHAT DO YOU CALL,

MINDLESS ACTION STUNTS AT DAWN?

IF THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO GET RID OF YOU,

WE'LL LET THE FANS DECIDE WHO'S THE LAST ACTION HERO.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BUT FIRST, YOU CAN HAVE MY SIGNATURE.

YOURS 'TIL THE END.

THE MASK HAS GOTTA KNOW HIS LIMITATIONS.

♪

OKAY, LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE.

THERMONUCLEAR DEVICE, HANDLE WITH CARE?

PROPERTY OF U.S. GOVERNMENT?

OH, WHEW, THIS LOOKS TOO REAL TO BE A SIMPLE MOVIE PROP.

COULD IT REALLY BE A...

HEY, I WANT YOU TO MAKE SURE THAT THE MASK

NOT ONLY LOSES THE CONTEST,

BUT HE DOESN'T SURVIVE IT EITHER!

NO ONE MUST INTERFERE WITH THE CLIMAX OF MY MOVIE.

THE REAL AND TOTAL DESTRUCTION OF AN ENTIRE CITY!

HELLO THERE.

YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH THIS!

WHEN I WRITE MY STORY UP...

YOUR STORY'S GONNA HAVE A REAL CLIFFHANGER.

WHEN THE BOMB GOES OFF,

YOU'LL BE THE FIRST TO KNOW.

HEY!

ALL RIGHT, DOLL FACE,

I PROMISED YOU THE BEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D DESTROY A WHOLE CITY,

JUST FOR ONE STUPID MOVIE!

THE CRITICS CALLED MY LAST PICTURE A BOMB!

NOW THEY'LL EAT THOSE WORDS,

AND I'll GET THE RESPECT I'VE ALWAYS DESERVED!

BUT FIRST, TO GET THE MEDIA'S ATTENTION,

I GOTTA DEFEAT THAT BUFFOONISH MASK!

YOU THINK YOU'RE A MATCH FOR ME?

THEN YOU GO FIRST.

NO PROBLEMO.

THE TEST IS CALLED SURVIVING THE GAUNTLET.

TO WIN, YOU GOTTA REACH THE FAR END, STICK BOY.

MAY THE BEST ACTION HERO WIN,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

♪

ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GO!

HE FLIES THROUGH THE AIR AND DOES VERY WELL.

THAT DARING YOUNG MASK ON THE TANK'S CARNEGIE.

I'M HANDSOME AND GRACEFUL!

AND QUITE AGILE!

IF THERE'S ONE THING I LIKE,

IT'S A GOOD BARBEQUE!

SMOKIN!

♪

I FLOAT LIKE A BUTTERFLY AND STING LIKE A BEE.

I AM THE GREATEST, I AM... SQUISHED!

BEST OF LUCK, PAL!

SOMEBODY STOP ME!

♪

EACH IN THE WOODS.

♪

THIS AIN'T SAFE!

♪

NOW, WE'RE GONNA DO THE BUNGEE JUMP!

♪

I'll BE BACK.

I GOTCHA, I GOTCHA!

OOPS.

TOP THAT!

ALL RIGHT, SMART GUY!

ELEVATOR GOING DOWN!

NOBODY'S USING ME AS A... YO!

WHEW!

ACTION HEROES HAVE TO BE ABLE TO ESCAPE

IMPOSSIBLE SITUATIONS.

SORRY, WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH PARACHUTES

FOR THE BIT PLAYERS.

NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL MORE BANG FOR THE BUCK!

OH, MR. DARING DO'S AND DON'TS.

MODERN HEROES DO THINGS WITH A LITTLE MORE PANACHE!

♪

WELL, THAT'S EGG ON MY FACE!

OH NO, ANYTHING BUT THAT!

DON'T GIVE UP YOUR DAY JOB, WIMP.

AND STAY AWAY FROM MY MOVIE.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS YOUR BIG SCENE!

NOW WHEN I CUE YOU, PRESS THIS RED BUTTON.

AND THAT'LL MAKE THE BIG EXPLOSION?

YEAH, YEAH, RIGHT, THE BIG EXPLOSION!

ISN'T THIS KIND OF DANGEROUS!

DON'T WORRY, WE'LL BE VERY FAR AWAY!

♪

DETECTIVE KELLAWAY, MAN AMONG ACTORS.

WAIT, I WANNA DO IT, LEMME DO IT!

SCRAM, YOU EMERALD IDIOT!

YOU'RE RUINING MY SCENE!

♪

STOP IT, BOTH OF YOU RIGHT NOW!

THE BOMB IS REAL, IT'S REAL!

REAL, AS IN... AS IN THERMONUCLEAR,

CITY-BUSTING, CRATER-MAKING REAL!

READY AND ACTION!

HEY, YOU CAN'T FOOL US WITH YOUR SHOW BIZ GLITZ AND HYPE!

WE'RE ON TO YOU, BUB, RIGHT, GUYS?

IT'S MY SCENE!

I WAS BORN TO PLAY THIS PART!

WAIT A MINUTE, THIS BOMB'S REAL!

NO SHINOLA, SHERLOCK!

NOW WHAT DO WE DO?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

CALLING ON MY EXTENSIVE POLICE TRAINING,

I THINK THIS STRATEGY WILL WORK, RUN!

FRIENDS, ROMANS, COUNTRYMEN,

LEND ME YOUR EARS, THANK YOU.

I COME NOT TO PRAISE MY FAVORITE TACO STAND,

BUT TO SEE IT BLOWN TO SMITHEROONS.

ALONG WITH MY SONNY CHIBA VIDEO COLLECTION.

LIKE HECK!

NOBODY FLUSHES MY TOWN DOWN THE TUBES!

OH, MR. MEGASTAR!

I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU TO SHUT DOWN THE BOMB!

WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

IT'S THE CLIMAX TO MY, UH, MASTERPIECE.

BECAUSE, THAT'S WHERE I MOVED ALL THE FILM YOU SHOT!

AND IF THE CITY GOES UP IN SMOKE,

SO DOES YOUR BIG COME BACK.

WE HAVE TO SAVE MY CAREER!

I'M IN THE CITY!

HERE WE COME TO SAVE THE DAY!

♪

IT'S HOPELESS.

YOU GOTTA HELP ME!

I'M NOT A HERO, I'M JUST AN ACTOR, YOU KNOW?

NOT EVEN CLASSICALLY TRAINED!

THE CLOCK'S TICKING!

MASK, DO SOMETHING!

YEAH, BUT WHAT?

I ALWAYS DO MY BEST THINKING SITTING DOWN.

THERE'S GONNA BE NO REMATCH.

OOPSIE, MUST HAVE BEEN ALL THOSE TACOS.

YOU'LL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN,

OR ANYWHERE ELSE, FOR THAT MATTER!

OH, SLY, ANY FINAL STATEMENT FOR YOUR FANS?

JUST THIS.

MR. DEVILLE, I'M READY FOR MY WEDGIE!

CUT AND PRINT!

♪